1 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:01,440 Speaker 1: Cut booms. 2 00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:05,360 Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes 3 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:09,200 Speaker 2: a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants 4 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,480 Speaker 2: of the old Republic, a sole fastion of fairness. He 5 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 2: treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the 6 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:19,439 Speaker 2: rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearing House 7 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:23,200 Speaker 2: of hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth 8 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:30,760 Speaker 2: Hour with Ben Mallard starts right now. 9 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:34,880 Speaker 1: In the air everywhere, The Fifth Hour with me Ben Malor, 10 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: and we hang out together here on this eleventh day 11 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:44,840 Speaker 1: of April. Happy Saturday to you back in the audio Sweatshop. 12 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,320 Speaker 1: That does not stop. This the secret menu item, not 13 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,920 Speaker 1: to be confused with the original recipe. This is the 14 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,200 Speaker 1: secret Menu Extra Crispy edition that is only available here 15 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: in the podcast format. So we can say bad words, 16 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 1: which I have done in the past on the podcas However, 17 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: I would like to point out I have generally speaking 18 00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: stopped doing that because once I start cursing, and I 19 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 1: don't know whether I'm on the radio or the podcast, 20 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 1: it's all the same. I record this at odd hours 21 00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: and every Friday I do the overnight show and then 22 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,640 Speaker 1: go in and do the podcast, and it gets very 23 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,399 Speaker 1: confusing in the remote studio. So I've determined to try 24 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: to ixnay the cursing a at this particular time, much 25 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 1: to the dismay of Lucky Tony and some of the 26 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:37,160 Speaker 1: other fans who love to hear me say the F word, 27 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,760 Speaker 1: the C word, the B word, the D word, all 28 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 1: those words. All those words and a programming node. On 29 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: this Saturday, the eleventh of April, if you missed the 30 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 1: pod yesterday, the Fifth Hour podcast, we went into painstaking 31 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 1: details giving you information on the upcoming Malard Meet and greet, 32 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: the great Sojourn to Cincinnati, which will be coming up 33 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: here in two weeks, two weeks from today. My god, 34 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,799 Speaker 1: I can't believe it. Two weeks from today we will 35 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,200 Speaker 1: be hanging out there having a great time and looking 36 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: forward to that. So go back in here, and some 37 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:16,880 Speaker 1: of you are already sending me email. I checked the 38 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:20,200 Speaker 1: email this morning before I cranked the mic on, and 39 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,760 Speaker 1: you said you're going to Ohio. You could have gone 40 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,800 Speaker 1: to Columbus. You could have gone somewhere in the middle 41 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 1: of the state. Made it easier for people. You're going 42 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,079 Speaker 1: to Kentucky. It's the Kentucky Meet and Greet, it's not 43 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,919 Speaker 1: the Ohio meet and greet. I'm like, dude, this is 44 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 1: what I've been arguing. We are in the very tip 45 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 1: of northern Kentucky when we do the mallor meet and greet, 46 00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: and a very fine restauranteur. It's a mom and pop 47 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 1: We love supporting mom and pop businesses. It's part of 48 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,640 Speaker 1: a small chain, but it's individually owned and the guy 49 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,639 Speaker 1: that runs it is a friend of a friend and 50 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 1: invited us in. And I'm excited. That pizza looks amazing. 51 00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:01,400 Speaker 1: It's literally a couple miles, just like you can walk 52 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,720 Speaker 1: across a bridge, I am told and go to the 53 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 1: Reds game, which, oh, by the way, we very well 54 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:08,760 Speaker 1: might be doing that. We might be doing that. We 55 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,919 Speaker 1: might be going to the Reds game that night on 56 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 1: that on that Saturday, playing the Tigers, and the meet 57 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: and greet is from two to five, and so we'd 58 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 1: have a little bit of time to hang out and 59 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: walk and or drive if we want, and go and 60 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 1: check out some Cincinnati Reds baseball. So we'll see about that. 61 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: We're excited about a couple weeks away, So check out 62 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: that Friday podcast for all the details on that and 63 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 1: the great Dick and Dayton get together as the Dixter 64 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 1: will be the star of the show. And we're hoping 65 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 1: some of these other big names. Again, we don't know 66 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: who's going to be there, Justin and Cincinnati, a man 67 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: of mystery, just Josh Ohio, al big names. We're hoping 68 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,960 Speaker 1: for an appearance by cardiac Stanley, who famously had a 69 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: heart attack on the show years ago. And you never 70 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: know who else is going to be there, So snap 71 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 1: your finger, make that happen. Now. On this podcast, we 72 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 1: have audio contraband, a suburban superhero with an extension chord, 73 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:12,040 Speaker 1: and the daytime soap opera. We begin with this. We 74 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,760 Speaker 1: begin with this. There are holidays, and then there are 75 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:20,800 Speaker 1: broadcastable holidays. Town Today, on this Saturday, the worlds are 76 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:29,400 Speaker 1: combining together. The holidays of today feel less like calendar 77 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:34,320 Speaker 1: filler and more like programming notes from the audio gods 78 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 1: out there in the cosmos. It is National Poutine Day. 79 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 1: And but wait, there's more. It is Barbershop Quartet Day. 80 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:46,200 Speaker 1: They have arrived like a double feature that no one, 81 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,920 Speaker 1: no man, woman or child, asked for, yet somehow is 82 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,799 Speaker 1: perfectly suited for what we do. Our meat and potatoes 83 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 1: overnight talk radio, where the absurdity is not a bug 84 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 1: but a feature. In other words, today's goofy holidays are perfect. 85 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 1: In the malor universe, we have a connection to both. 86 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: We'll start with the barbershop quartet day. It is a 87 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,440 Speaker 1: hazel toned post guard to the late nineteenth century, back 88 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 1: in the eighteen eighties. The legend goes, as these things 89 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 1: generally happened, This is eighteen eighties, men in straw hats 90 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 1: waiting for a trim, waiting for a trim, passing time. 91 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: Not with smartphones, those didn't exist. However, with four part harmony, 92 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 1: what in the web it was? The idle noise turned 93 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:43,119 Speaker 1: into an art form which is still enjoyed all these 94 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,680 Speaker 1: years later, all these years they are over, almost one 95 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:50,360 Speaker 1: hundred and fifty years later, and like most things quaint, 96 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 1: it eventually collided with the modern sensibilities. And that would 97 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: be where we enter the picture. The Ben Mahler Show, 98 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:02,679 Speaker 1: which about two decades ago, stumbled in to our own 99 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 1: barber shop subplot put out. Now, if you've been with 100 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,320 Speaker 1: the show for some time, there's two things that are true. 101 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: First of all, you're no spring chicken. Secondly, you likely 102 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: remember this famous story. It was with a great Malmentton 103 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: show history. Very proud of this that we had moved 104 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: the needle back in the day, so many many years ago. 105 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: In a land far far away, a Malard militia member 106 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 1: who happened to be originally from Chicago, a super fan, 107 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 1: sent me in my inbox a very interesting musical oddity 108 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:46,559 Speaker 1: titled the Chubby Cubby, The Chubby Cubby now the Chubby Cuby, 109 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 1: a barber shop ditty that sounded like it had been 110 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:55,640 Speaker 1: marinated in hot dogs at Wrigley Field out in the 111 00:06:55,640 --> 00:07:00,480 Speaker 1: bleachers and then lightly dusted with innuendo. I'm saying it 112 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,640 Speaker 1: was ridiculous, it was catchy. This is back in the 113 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 1: Sami Socid days of the Cubs. It was radio gold. 114 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 1: It was therefore deemed unacceptable for human consumption. Yes, I'm 115 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: not making that up. This is many years ago, according 116 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: to the program director at our Chicago affiliate at the time, 117 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: which promptly treated it like contraband, and the song had 118 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:29,160 Speaker 1: been blacklisted. It was rebotan. The bit was exiled, only 119 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:35,080 Speaker 1: to be resurrected years later. When the Cubs finally did exercise, 120 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: they finished the journey, they beat the Cleveland Indians and 121 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: they exercise the curse of the Billy Goat. However, like 122 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: many sequels, it suffered from the cruelest fate adequacy. Yeah, 123 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 1: then there is poutine mentioned the two for one special. 124 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:57,400 Speaker 1: So Canada's most decinente export, the most important thing. Canada 125 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,240 Speaker 1: has given the world a dish that looks like it 126 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: lost a bet. It looks like something you might see 127 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: in a porta potty, and yet it tastes like it 128 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 1: won the war. We're talking fries, gravy, cheese, curds, culinary chaos, 129 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 1: assembled with bravado, assembled with rot. This dish originated in 130 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 1: Quebec in the nineteen sixties and then slowly made its 131 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:32,720 Speaker 1: way across Canada and eventually to the United States. For 132 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:37,480 Speaker 1: this show, poutine is not just a meal, and for 133 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,080 Speaker 1: me it was an event. It became an event a 134 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,439 Speaker 1: Vancouver meet and greet. You might remember we did the 135 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,560 Speaker 1: Vancouver Meet and Greet, which was a lot of fun, 136 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 1: really cool, really cool stories. One of the guys showed 137 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: up was a ball boy for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers 138 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,679 Speaker 1: back when he was a kid, and he showed up. 139 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,320 Speaker 1: He was very proud of that, and I was cool too, 140 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: because that's always the team I mentioned in the Canadian 141 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 1: Football League is the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. So nonetheless, that 142 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,000 Speaker 1: event hosted by a loyalist and good friend of the show, 143 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 1: our buddy Nico, who is a really really good dude, 144 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,320 Speaker 1: and someday we're gonna see this kid in the World 145 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: Cup or at least playing pro soccer somewhere. So Nico transformed, 146 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 1: transformed that journey into a grow a gravy soaked I 147 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 1: guess pilgrimage is the way we had to meet and greet. 148 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:31,040 Speaker 1: He catered it. There was poutine there. It was great. 149 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,360 Speaker 1: So I made my way around. I was in Vancouver 150 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: for the weekend and I made my way around to 151 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:42,199 Speaker 1: all of the many spots the tabernacle of the poutine. 152 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,679 Speaker 1: There were three locations that are famous that are poutine. 153 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,079 Speaker 1: I know it started in Montreal, and get some It's 154 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,800 Speaker 1: not Vancouver, that's with you, that's out west. This is 155 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:55,160 Speaker 1: out in Montreal, Quebec, Okay, whatever. At some point I'll 156 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,199 Speaker 1: get to Montreal. I hope. I've not been to Montreal. 157 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,320 Speaker 1: I was supposed to go a couple of years ago. 158 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,560 Speaker 1: They canceled the TV show. I was gonna drive up 159 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 1: to Montreal anyway, who cares? So we stopped one of 160 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,880 Speaker 1: the final stops on the Malar Poutine tour. If you remember, 161 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:13,640 Speaker 1: the Temple of Bolt Consumption Costco. Now, this Costco is 162 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 1: my favorite costco in Canada, and it's also the only 163 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,680 Speaker 1: costco I've been to in Canada. It is strategically positioned 164 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:24,480 Speaker 1: near the arena of the NHL's Vancouver Canucks, where fans 165 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: could carbload before watching hockey that on most nights these 166 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:35,320 Speaker 1: days requires emotional insulation and it's a little tough on 167 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 1: the tummy there. It gives you heartburn. Now, in the end, 168 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: both of these holidays reveal the same truth that a 169 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,440 Speaker 1: lot of times these things are improvised. Poutine started as 170 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 1: a mistake in the kitchen. The barbershop quartet to kill time, 171 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 1: they started it, and it has become something that both 172 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 1: these things that are part of modern society all these 173 00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:01,679 Speaker 1: years later. And so sometimes barber shop, you know, sometimes 174 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,080 Speaker 1: in a food court, and occasionally, if you're lucky, on 175 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 1: the overnight radio waves, where these strange things that go 176 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 1: bump in the night not only survive, they headline all right. Now, Meanwhile, 177 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: this is the Saturday Podcast and the Life of malor. 178 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: This may shock you, This may shock you. I want 179 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:25,560 Speaker 1: you to brace yourself. Buckle up, buckeroo. I am not 180 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 1: a landscaper. Let me start there, Let me start there. 181 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,200 Speaker 1: I'm not a landscaper. I am not a gardener. I've 182 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:36,160 Speaker 1: never been confused with a nurseryman, horticllege what was it, horticulturist. Yeah, 183 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: that's the term, horticulturist. I've not been confused with that. 184 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: I don't even care much for groundskeeper Willie on the Simpsons. 185 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,680 Speaker 1: I have generally avoided yardwork since I was a kid. 186 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,360 Speaker 1: My mom and dad gave me the lawnmower and told 187 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 1: me to go out and mow the lawn. I have 188 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:56,520 Speaker 1: built an entire adult life around not doing yard work, 189 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: despite having a yard. And yet there. I was not 190 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,600 Speaker 1: by choice, not by my decision. No one chooses that life. 191 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 1: This life chose you. I was drafted. Not into the Army, 192 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 1: not into the Marines or the Air Force no no, no, 193 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,959 Speaker 1: or the Navy, or the Coast Guard or the Space Force. 194 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,600 Speaker 1: I was. I was not drafted. I was drafted. I 195 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 1: was not recruited. When I'm trying to I was not. 196 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,439 Speaker 1: I was not like, hey, you want to come here. 197 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,199 Speaker 1: We'll give you some nil money. No. I was brought 198 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 1: in like, hey, we need a long snapper. This guy 199 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: looks like it could be a long snapper. And there 200 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:36,440 Speaker 1: you go. And it began, as these domestic dramas often do, 201 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,800 Speaker 1: with a summons, not a request, not a request, not 202 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:45,880 Speaker 1: a suggestion, a court summons from the commissioner of the 203 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 1: Malor mansion, my wife, who pointed with the authority of 204 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 1: a Roman general towards the tree. That's right, the tree. Now, 205 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,959 Speaker 1: let me describe this tree, because it deserves its own 206 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 1: own monologue. I'm not gonna do a whole monologue here. 207 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 1: It really demands it. This is not just a tree. 208 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:09,359 Speaker 1: A tree could be anything. This thing has a personality. 209 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:13,480 Speaker 1: This is not landscaping. This is a presence. This thing 210 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:20,240 Speaker 1: is like the Wemby of trees, the Parisian Prodigy. It's insane. 211 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,319 Speaker 1: It sits right in front of the Malor Mansion, or 212 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:28,520 Speaker 1: as the locals call it, the chateau. Yes, chateau, I 213 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: can use that word now, like a smug landlord collecting rent. Now, 214 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:38,320 Speaker 1: this tree is wide, it is tall, it is elegant. 215 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 1: It is in the brochure of life. You know how 216 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 1: you look at the perfect house with the tree out 217 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,439 Speaker 1: in front, very charming. You think like a post guard. 218 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,800 Speaker 1: You know better analogy would be like an emoji, you 219 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,679 Speaker 1: know that house emoji on your phone that's got the 220 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,480 Speaker 1: house since it's got the roof there. And then right 221 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:00,280 Speaker 1: in fronts of the tree, Yeah, how lovely look at it? 222 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,760 Speaker 1: They said, Wow, how perfect is that? What a delightful 223 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 1: tree next to that nice home? What a wonderful home 224 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 1: and tree? Lie lie and damn lie. Because what they 225 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,960 Speaker 1: don't tell you, and what Paul Harvey would whisper dramatically, 226 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 1: you know what a tree is. In a minute, you're 227 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:25,200 Speaker 1: about to hear the rest of the story, but you 228 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 1: know here is that this tree is a serial offender, 229 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 1: a culprit on the loose, a repeat vandal, a leafy anarchist. 230 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: If you will, you see, this tree doesn't just exist. 231 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: It causes misery. And it reminds me. I had a 232 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 1: buddy of mine years ago that dated a really really 233 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: attractive woman like way out of his league, as Klay 234 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 1: Travis would say, out kicked his coverage, and all of 235 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 1: us friends were like, wow, that is I mean, she's 236 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 1: really too hot for you, dude, And he eventually pointed out, 237 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:10,960 Speaker 1: while she was amazing, the outer beauty was amazing, let's 238 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:15,480 Speaker 1: just say the the trouble that she caused the inside 239 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 1: stuff was not particularly great. But anyway, as far as 240 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: this tree, it's not just any tree. This is a 241 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:25,280 Speaker 1: jack Aranda tree. Now, if you're not, as we said, 242 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 1: a it was the word horticulturist. I believe that's the word. Yeah, 243 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: if you're not into that kind of thing, so well, 244 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: what the f is a jack Aranda tree? And let 245 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 1: me say this right up front. It is gorgeous, That's 246 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,600 Speaker 1: what it is. It's the kind of a tree that 247 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 1: makes neighbors think you have everything perfect in your life. 248 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:50,920 Speaker 1: Purple blue flowers, It's a purple rain wide canopy Instagram 249 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 1: ready at all times, ready for that photo shoot. Again. 250 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:00,120 Speaker 1: The beauty, as we know, is a scam. It is 251 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 1: because this tree is. It's criminal. It's a neighborhood criminal. 252 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 1: From sap leaves, pods, twigs, branches, some kind of mystery 253 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 1: debriath or what you might call it. I don't even 254 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:15,000 Speaker 1: know what that is. Things that hit your car with 255 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 1: the subtlety of a meteor shower, you park your vehicle 256 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,840 Speaker 1: under it for ten minutes and you come back and 257 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: it looks like it lost a bar fight with a 258 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: syrup factory. Like a syrup factory went kaboom. Now we 259 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: are on a first name basis at this point with 260 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 1: the dudes that work at the car wash. The car 261 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 1: wash people, they see us coming and they just nod. 262 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 1: There's no words, there's just hey, well we know the deal. 263 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:48,040 Speaker 1: Come on in. So the call came and the message 264 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:54,280 Speaker 1: was two words, You're tall. That's how it began. You're tall, which, 265 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,280 Speaker 1: by the way, is not necessarily a compliment. Many people 266 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 1: think being tall as a compliment, saying you're tall as 267 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,480 Speaker 1: a compliment. In this case, it was a job assignment. 268 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:07,080 Speaker 1: Your tall, Go cut the branches, and just like that, 269 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,679 Speaker 1: the flag goes up and I was called out of 270 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,920 Speaker 1: the bullpen. No warm up, no stretching, starting pitcher, got hurt. 271 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 1: Go in there and pitch. Go in there and pitch. 272 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:20,640 Speaker 1: No contract negotiation, straight into the game, no bullpen cart, 273 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:26,000 Speaker 1: none of that. Now Phase number one, the cutting, the cutting. 274 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:31,160 Speaker 1: Now I approached this with confidence. This is known as 275 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:35,679 Speaker 1: false confidence, the kind of confidence you have right before 276 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:41,120 Speaker 1: something very unfortunate and humiliating happens. So I grabbed the trimmer. Now, 277 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:45,520 Speaker 1: the tree trimmer is a stick that you can extend 278 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 1: up to the heavens, and so this thing is ridiculous. 279 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 1: I think it goes up to like thirty feet if 280 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: you stretch it all the way out. And it's got 281 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,120 Speaker 1: a string. And you likely have seen these, maybe you've 282 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: used them, and you pull the string and it brings 283 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: down the the razor that cuts the branches. So I 284 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: don't know who created this. They're very very smart people, 285 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: brilliant genius. So I sized up the tree. I said, 286 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: I got this, and I heard in the background. I 287 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: was like, I'm the only one here, what is it? 288 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,520 Speaker 1: And I heard this truckle out in the background. It 289 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,239 Speaker 1: turned out it was the tree laughing at me. And 290 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,200 Speaker 1: I didn't know trees could laugh. The tree was going hogwow. 291 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,320 Speaker 1: Tree was going hogwhow. So here's the thing about branches, 292 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 1: and I learned this the hard way. They don't fall 293 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: like they're supposed to fall. They don't fall like you 294 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: think they are going to fall. They don't politely descend, 295 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,919 Speaker 1: they don't follow instructions. They attack, they wait, they calculate, 296 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:50,640 Speaker 1: They drop at angles. They defy physics and common decency, 297 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: depending on which direction the wind is blowing. Every single 298 00:18:54,119 --> 00:19:01,160 Speaker 1: cut a gamble. Every branch was a roulette wheel Russian roulette. 299 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 1: Am I trimming? Or am I staring at a low 300 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:10,800 Speaker 1: budget remake of an evil canieval documentary? At one point, 301 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:14,680 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure the tree was having fun saying, let's 302 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 1: try to hit mallor here, Let's try to hit Mallar 303 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 1: right in the head, not metaphorically personally. So that was 304 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 1: phase one. Phase two the breakdown because apparently it's not 305 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,159 Speaker 1: enough to cut the branches. No, no, you can't just 306 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,760 Speaker 1: cut the branches. What are you stupid? Now? That would 307 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,800 Speaker 1: be too easy. You must now process the branches like 308 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: a lumberjack who missed orientation. So there I was as 309 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 1: the lumberjack. Big branches became medium branches. Medium branches became 310 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:48,280 Speaker 1: small branches. Small branches became still somehow too big for 311 00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:50,360 Speaker 1: the trash can, so then they had to be cut 312 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: even more. And this is the moment where you realize, 313 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:59,440 Speaker 1: wait a minute here, that trash can is not your friend. 314 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,119 Speaker 1: And I thought I always had a good relationship with 315 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:03,040 Speaker 1: trash cans. I grew up a fan of Oscar the 316 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,560 Speaker 1: Grouch on Sesame Street. We were bros. We were bros. 317 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 1: I thought, okay, we get along. It turns out, much 318 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,199 Speaker 1: like Oscar the Grouch, the trash can is a critic. 319 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:17,639 Speaker 1: It stands there, open mouth, and it was judging my 320 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 1: life choices. And these little snide comments from the trash 321 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,000 Speaker 1: can leak. Oh you really thought that would fit? Are 322 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:29,440 Speaker 1: you stupid? Really? You call that cutting? You're a middle 323 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 1: aged man, You're a loser. A kid could do that better. 324 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: And so I'm out there in the heat and I'm sweating, 325 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:41,639 Speaker 1: I'm tired, I'm negotiating with the wood. I'm negotiating, you know, 326 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: in my head, what do we do with this? So 327 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:50,320 Speaker 1: that was phase two. Then phase three the blower. Ah, yes, Benny, 328 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:55,720 Speaker 1: the blower. Now let me address something that is unfortunate. 329 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,160 Speaker 1: In a perfect world, I would have had a very 330 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:02,040 Speaker 1: masculine kind of gas power leaf blower that makes you 331 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:06,239 Speaker 1: feel like a man, like you're operating heavy machinery, the 332 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:10,399 Speaker 1: kind that ores, the kind that announces a man is 333 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 1: working here with a lot of tust nosterone. Stay out 334 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,080 Speaker 1: of the way. However, I live in the People's Republic 335 00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:20,280 Speaker 1: of California, where we are saving the world by not 336 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,320 Speaker 1: using gas power leaf blowers. They've been outlawed. Of course, 337 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:25,880 Speaker 1: that law is not enforced, because every gardener I ever 338 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:30,920 Speaker 1: see has a gas power leaf blower. I digress. So instead, 339 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: because of the rules of the land, the blower has 340 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:39,520 Speaker 1: been neutered. So instead I have a electric blower, a 341 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,280 Speaker 1: very polite, petite blower, a blower that sounds like it's 342 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 1: apologizing to the world while it works. And yet I 343 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,440 Speaker 1: loved it. I did become Benny the Blower because there 344 00:21:52,520 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 1: is nothing in life that can match the satisfaction almost 345 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:05,760 Speaker 1: spiritual about taking chaos and just blowing it into a 346 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 1: neat little pile leaves, to breeze those purple things from 347 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: the tree, all of that and moving it at your command. 348 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 1: Abra cadabra. It's power, it's controlled, it's a little therapeutic. 349 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,120 Speaker 1: And so a very short amount of time, very short 350 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:26,440 Speaker 1: amount of time, for a brief shining moment. As they 351 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,280 Speaker 1: say at the end of the basketball tournament, I was 352 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:37,959 Speaker 1: a superhero, suburban superhero with an extension cord. That's right. Yeah. 353 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,160 Speaker 1: And when it was done, when the yard was clean, 354 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: when the branches were gone, when the blower had sung 355 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 1: its gentle song, I stood there. I was very proud, 356 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,080 Speaker 1: a little tired, slightly confused by what I'd been doing, 357 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:57,040 Speaker 1: and the kicker on this, if you owe the punchline, 358 00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:02,760 Speaker 1: the tree is still there, watching me, waiting, regenerating, stockpiling, 359 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:09,480 Speaker 1: because this is life with a jackarandit tree, a Jacaranda tree, beautiful, majestic, completely, 360 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:14,800 Speaker 1: completely untrustworthy, blooms, dazzles, everyone's impressed by it, drops the 361 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: purple flowers like it's a print song, falling down like confetti. 362 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,240 Speaker 1: And then when you let your guard down, it unleashes 363 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:29,159 Speaker 1: the sap, the nonsense, and so in many ways, it's 364 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,959 Speaker 1: a metaphor. It's a double edged sword, the floral con artist, 365 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 1: the botanical front of me, if you will, and yes, 366 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: the job was done. For that moment, the yard was 367 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:43,920 Speaker 1: cleaned up, looked majestic. The superhero with the extension cord, 368 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:48,199 Speaker 1: Benny Blower had delivered. Deep down, though we all know 369 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: the truth, this is not victory. I'm not declaring victory. 370 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:56,920 Speaker 1: This is more of a ceasefire because that tree, that beautiful, charming, 371 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:02,680 Speaker 1: deceitful tree, is already planning it's next attack, and it'll 372 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,359 Speaker 1: be just days away, and then we'll be back to 373 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: square one. It's like when you were you were a 374 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,240 Speaker 1: kid and you'd you'd, I forget the name of it. 375 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,679 Speaker 1: There's that thing you'd you'd you'd write on it and 376 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,879 Speaker 1: then you'd shake it and it would vanish, that kind 377 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 1: of you know what I'm talking about? Anyway, A right 378 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:25,000 Speaker 1: last part of this rant on the Fifth Hour podcast 379 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:28,879 Speaker 1: on this Saturday special. So I have now reached the 380 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:33,040 Speaker 1: stage of my life where the most intense battle inside 381 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:38,800 Speaker 1: the household is between me and my dog, Moxie, my 382 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: bulldog a Komodo dragon in the dog form. And the 383 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:50,680 Speaker 1: competition here was between Moxie with the Komodo dragon tongue 384 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 1: and a piece of velcro. So let me explain here 385 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,639 Speaker 1: all right now, this is not something I thought I 386 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,199 Speaker 1: would ever say when I was a kid into a microphone, 387 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: that I have competition in my house between a bulldog 388 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:07,840 Speaker 1: and a piece of velcrow. Welcome to the podcast Life 389 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,959 Speaker 1: the Life of Maler, where we document the daily grind, 390 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,480 Speaker 1: the day to day. So Moxie, my English bulldog, has 391 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,400 Speaker 1: the leisurely lifestyle. How would you describe Moxie's lifestyle? She's 392 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,959 Speaker 1: got the life most people spend decades trying to achieve. 393 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:29,200 Speaker 1: No job, no bills, no responsibilities, beyond eating, sleeping, and farting, 394 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:36,640 Speaker 1: occasionally judging me while I watch a meaningless midweek Twins 395 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 1: game against the Royals. And so she is, in many 396 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 1: ways live in the dream. If the dream also included 397 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:53,320 Speaker 1: chronic pawlicking, say what, who goofed? I've got to know. Now, 398 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 1: keep in mind, I am not just talking about casual, 399 00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:02,720 Speaker 1: absent minded licking. I'm talking about full blown Komodo dragon 400 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:06,439 Speaker 1: level fork tongue the you know the you know how 401 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:12,520 Speaker 1: Komodo dragon uses its forked tongue to detect chemical signals 402 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:18,359 Speaker 1: track prey. Essentially, it's the GPS for the Komodo dragon. 403 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:25,360 Speaker 1: And that is Moxie. That's Moxie, except instead of hunting, 404 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,919 Speaker 1: she's investigating her own feet like their buried treasure that 405 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,440 Speaker 1: you got it. It's kind of like a Tutsi roll 406 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,240 Speaker 1: you know, you gotta you gotta, you know, go through it, 407 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,080 Speaker 1: or a tutsi pop, I should say, you lick it 408 00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 1: and then get a surprise there. At first, you think, 409 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:44,680 Speaker 1: all right, dogs do this, and it's not that big 410 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 1: a deal. It's said to be grooming. It's soothing for 411 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:52,719 Speaker 1: the dog. It's like built in having a stress ball. However, 412 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 1: then it becomes a hobby, then a passion project, then 413 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 1: something closer to a second care. If she could invoice 414 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 1: us for hours spent licking her pause, we'd be in 415 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,200 Speaker 1: financial trouble, right, I mean if she charges, oh my god, 416 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:13,960 Speaker 1: we'd be cooked. We'd have to sell the house, the 417 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:18,000 Speaker 1: whole thing. The problem is, unlike most hobbies, this one 418 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:24,200 Speaker 1: comes with consequences, namely blisters. Now not just blisters, blisters 419 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,440 Speaker 1: are one thing. These things it's like a second and 420 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 1: third head are growing on her pause. And that is 421 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:35,600 Speaker 1: the point of demarcation. That is the come to Jesus 422 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:40,680 Speaker 1: moment when my wife, the reasonable adult in the operation, 423 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,560 Speaker 1: stepped in and said, we're going to fix this. So 424 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,560 Speaker 1: we went to the veterinarian and they said, oh, yeah, 425 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,480 Speaker 1: we can fix that, no problem. She's clearly allergic to something. 426 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:53,920 Speaker 1: So what we'll do is we'll put her on some medication. 427 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,359 Speaker 1: It'll cost one hundred and ten dollars a month, and 428 00:27:56,440 --> 00:28:00,119 Speaker 1: we'll fix the problem. So I thought, well, I I 429 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,159 Speaker 1: don't think that seems like a good idea. That's a 430 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 1: lot of money. We love Moxie, but that's a lot 431 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,760 Speaker 1: of money. There's got to be another solution. So I 432 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,639 Speaker 1: was like, well, let's just monitor the situation further, which 433 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 1: is my go to strategy for every possible thing, every 434 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,600 Speaker 1: existential crisis. I'm like, you know, just kind of let's 435 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,280 Speaker 1: wait on that monitor. Well, the monitoring did not work. 436 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:25,679 Speaker 1: The problem continued and got worse. So the wife came 437 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,399 Speaker 1: up with a pretty good idea, a pretty good idea. 438 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,520 Speaker 1: He said, you know what, let's let's go on the 439 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:34,199 Speaker 1: old the Amazon. Let's go on the Amazon. And it 440 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:38,000 Speaker 1: was it Timu, and we'll you know, well, we'll solve 441 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 1: the problem. And I said, no, no, no, we don't 442 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,480 Speaker 1: need to do that. We don't need we don't anything 443 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,280 Speaker 1: special here, Come on, what's wrong with you? So I said, 444 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,360 Speaker 1: we'll just put socks on. We don't need special socks, 445 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:52,640 Speaker 1: just regular, innocent, defenseless socks. So we put them on 446 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:56,240 Speaker 1: Moxie and sat there, took some photos, admired the moment, 447 00:28:56,480 --> 00:29:00,800 Speaker 1: like we just solved the complex equation. And a few 448 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,880 Speaker 1: minutes later the socks were He's nowhere to be seen. 449 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 1: They vanished, poof gone, presto, Where do they go? I 450 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,600 Speaker 1: don't know where they went? Did she eat them? They vanished? 451 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:13,480 Speaker 1: They vanished like they had tunneled their way out, which 452 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:18,160 Speaker 1: is when it hit me that Moxie is basically living 453 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:25,840 Speaker 1: the Shawshank redemption. She's got nothing but time. Endless uninterrupted 454 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,360 Speaker 1: time is what my friend Moxie has. And like Andy 455 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:35,120 Speaker 1: two friend chipping away at the prison wall with the 456 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:40,800 Speaker 1: tiny rock hammer, Moxie will sit there hour after hour, 457 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:46,640 Speaker 1: quietly working at whatever obstacle is in front of her, 458 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:52,160 Speaker 1: whether it's a sock, a strap, or the concept of 459 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:57,040 Speaker 1: personal boundaries, until eventually she will break three She'll break free, 460 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:00,240 Speaker 1: and then she'll say, like the kool aid man, oh yeah, 461 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:04,880 Speaker 1: And you don't beat that kind of patience with just 462 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 1: an ordinary sock. You don't. So things did escalate. We 463 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,720 Speaker 1: eventually did go online. The wife did, because again Amazon 464 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,600 Speaker 1: and Timu are where all great decisions are made. So 465 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,800 Speaker 1: I lost this battle, and the wife found some doggie socks. 466 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,840 Speaker 1: I didn't even know this was a thing, and they're 467 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,160 Speaker 1: not cheap. We bought some doggy socks with velcrow. Why 468 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 1: not not just socks. These are commitment devices. It's like 469 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:32,280 Speaker 1: a chastity belt for dogs. And these are socks that 470 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,160 Speaker 1: say we respect your effort. However, we're raising the degree 471 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:40,160 Speaker 1: of difficulty. So now Moxie walks around like she's been 472 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:44,920 Speaker 1: placed under very polite house arrest, very polite house arrest. 473 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:48,480 Speaker 1: She tests the strap, she twists them, she flops dramatically, 474 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:52,760 Speaker 1: as if she's auditioning for a role in a daytime 475 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 1: soap opera called As the Bulldog Turns. However, surprise, spoiler alert, 476 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:05,200 Speaker 1: the velcral holds. It's relentless, it's the immovable object. The 477 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:09,360 Speaker 1: Komodo dragon tongue has been unable to crack the code 478 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:13,320 Speaker 1: a very determined Moxie. And yet there we are. So 479 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:17,000 Speaker 1: for now we've saved one hundred and ten dollars a month. 480 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:22,360 Speaker 1: Moxie cannot lick her pause. Therefore, the pause will heal 481 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:26,920 Speaker 1: as the body takes over. And don't worry, she still 482 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:30,360 Speaker 1: sleeps like she's preparing for a marathon of naps. She 483 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:34,920 Speaker 1: still claims my legs are her personal recliner. And Moxie 484 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: still watches me watch those games with no cares at all, 485 00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:45,160 Speaker 1: And every now and then she'll look down at her 486 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:48,960 Speaker 1: sock covered pause and then back up at me like, 487 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:54,320 Speaker 1: you know, this is not really necessary, You really shouldn't 488 00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:58,400 Speaker 1: be doing this, and she's not wrong. However, here's the 489 00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:02,760 Speaker 1: thing she has not given up because again the Shawshank 490 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:07,200 Speaker 1: movie lesson that taught us any If it tall us anything, 491 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:09,960 Speaker 1: it's that hope is a dangerous thing, especially when paired 492 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:14,280 Speaker 1: with unlimited free time and a stubborn streak. So somewhere 493 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:16,959 Speaker 1: right now, Moxie, she's not in here while I'm doing 494 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 1: the podcast, but somewhere Moxie is working on her next move, 495 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:26,120 Speaker 1: a new angle. Maybe she'll deputize the rabbits, what's up, 496 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:30,920 Speaker 1: Rabbit and have them help her out long term strategy, 497 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,240 Speaker 1: long term strategy, or just waiting us out, and we'll 498 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:38,160 Speaker 1: get tired of seeing her in those doggy socks. And honestly, 499 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 1: I wouldn't bet against her. It's Velco is very strong. 500 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:47,960 Speaker 1: Over time, Velcrow becomes less strong. So stay tuned. All right, 501 00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:49,480 Speaker 1: On that note, we'll get out of here. Have a 502 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,720 Speaker 1: great Saturday, and don't forget. We got the mail Bag 503 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:58,640 Speaker 1: podcast on Sunday. Fun fun, fun fun, Have a wonderful 504 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:00,640 Speaker 1: arrest of your day, we think. Thank you for supporting 505 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 1: the podcast. Don't forget. Listen to that Friday podcast. All 506 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,440 Speaker 1: the details on the Ohio meet and greet. Well it's 507 00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:07,960 Speaker 1: really in Kentucky. Just go with it, Okay, just go 508 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:11,040 Speaker 1: with it all right, Take care, Aloha, bye bye,