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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space, I don't do

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Speaker 2: that shit no more.

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Speaker 3: So you would pop the other person in the mouth. So,

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Speaker 3: just so we're clear, you would physically put your hands

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Speaker 3: on someone else if they said something you didn't want

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Speaker 3: to hear.

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Speaker 2: It was, it's a little more nuanced than that, so

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Speaker 2: it was exactly okay. So to be in again, it's

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Speaker 2: wrong either way. Like I don't I belive believe that

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Speaker 2: women should not put their hands on men. Men should

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Speaker 2: not put their hands on women. Women should put their

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Speaker 2: hands on women, men should No one should put their

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Speaker 2: hands on anyone like that's point blank.

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Speaker 3: Like we were talking grade school, keep your hands to

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Speaker 3: use your hands to yourself.

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Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 2: or even a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA

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Speaker 2: moments or if you feel comforted throughout the episode, lady,

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Speaker 2: please leave us a review and tell us what we're

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Speaker 2: doing right so we can stay on track. Also, we

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Speaker 2: release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe on

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Speaker 2: iTunes and visit her space podcast dot com and enter

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Speaker 2: your email address to get updates about our live events

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Speaker 2: and all the new beginnings that we have for this year.

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Speaker 3: Thanks. Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your costs doctor Dominique Broussard, a

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Speaker 3: polege professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often missed, represented and misunderstood,

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Speaker 2: please join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything

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Speaker 2: from fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space

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Speaker 2: where black women can just be Hey girl. Hey, it's

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Speaker 2: Terry here from the Heirspace podcast. Every Wednesday, I release

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Speaker 2: a Wisdom Wednesday mini episode that'll give you the quick

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Speaker 2: boost you need to get you through hump day. Visit

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Speaker 2: herspacepodcast dot com and click the Wisdom Wednesday with terrylink

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Speaker 2: under start here to get your weekly gems. I hope

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Speaker 2: to see you there.

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Speaker 3: Our quote of the day comes from Brianna Weist. Your

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Speaker 3: toxicity in your relationships with other people is actually an

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Speaker 3: extension of the toxicity in your relationship to yourself. What

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Speaker 3: you have is not an issue with how you relate

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Speaker 3: to others, but fundamental trauma that is preventing you from

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Speaker 3: being at ease within yourself. That is what you must address.

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Speaker 3: Well damn, I mean damn, Yeah. That felt like a

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Speaker 3: punch in the gut. It did, It did. But I

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Speaker 3: think that that's the reality, right that like, when we're

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Speaker 3: having issues with multiple people, that's a sign that there

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Speaker 3: may be something happening within us. Right. If you have

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Speaker 3: a relationship with one person that you're just like, man,

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Speaker 3: what the hell? That's one thing, right, that's an outlier.

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Speaker 3: But when it's across multiple relationships within multiple settings, that's

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Speaker 3: when you do have to kind of turn the mirror

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Speaker 3: on yourself and say, what's happening for me? What do

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Speaker 3: I need to evalue? Wait?

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Speaker 2: You know what's interesting though, I feel like the people

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Speaker 2: and I don't know, let me know what you think

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Speaker 2: of it. I feel like the people that are the

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Speaker 2: common denominator and all of the issues in the toxicity

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Speaker 2: they're experiencing life, I feel like sometimes they just don't

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Speaker 2: see that it's them, Like they will literally look at

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Speaker 2: everyone else like, oh, they did this to me, it

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Speaker 2: was them, they did that. And I feel like a

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Speaker 2: lot of other people around them can look at them

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Speaker 2: and say, do you not realize like you are the

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Speaker 2: common denominator and all the fucking drama and all the toxicity,

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Speaker 2: like you are playing a part in this, you know.

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Speaker 3: But the hardest relationship to examine is that relationship with self.

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Speaker 2: Okay, therapists tell us more more.

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Speaker 3: Okay, think about it. For a lot of us, it's

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Speaker 3: easy to look at what other people, the people around

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Speaker 3: us are doing to us, right, and to look at

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Speaker 3: that relationship within yourself requires a level of vulnerability that

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Speaker 3: most of us struggle with. Is taking yourself into a

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Speaker 3: space that requires a lot of work and sometimes taking

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Speaker 3: that deep dive. You've got to actually not sometimes all

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Speaker 3: the time taking that deep dive, you have to really

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Speaker 3: be ready to go in and pull that shit up.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I feel like there has to be a balance too.

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Speaker 2: There has to be a balance. If you're okay, we're

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Speaker 2: going to go along with this analogy of taking a

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Speaker 2: deep dive, you sort of have to anchor yourself and

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Speaker 2: then go for a dive. Because I know for me

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Speaker 2: in my experience at least I know for me, sometimes

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Speaker 2: I wont the ego, like the defensiveness. Yeah, I don't

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Speaker 2: want to hear what I'm doing wrong, That's one thing

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Speaker 2: that comes up. But then another part is either I

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Speaker 2: don't want to hear what's going wrong, or I don't

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Speaker 2: want to hear about what I'm doing because I feel

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Speaker 2: so I'm going to beat myself up so bad that

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Speaker 2: I may not be able to recover. Maybe I feel worthless,

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Speaker 2: or I'm like I've become suicidal because I just fucked

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Speaker 2: up and I have to face something that I'm not

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Speaker 2: ready to face. And so that's kind of something that

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Speaker 2: I've thought about. But for me, I got to a

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Speaker 2: place in life I realized I had some toxic traits

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Speaker 2: when I was with a very toxic person, and the

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Speaker 2: thing about it was me coming from an abusive household

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Speaker 2: and having all these obstacles in this adversity that I faced,

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Speaker 2: I sort of saw myself as a victim, but not

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Speaker 2: in the way that people talk about it. Right, So

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Speaker 2: I felt as though I was victimized. I have these

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Speaker 2: bad things happened to me, and I felt like I

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Speaker 2: was a very good person, and so it was hard

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Speaker 2: for me to see any of my stuff because this

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Speaker 2: thing happened to me. I was raised in this household,

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Speaker 2: like I kind of held onto the victim badge in

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Speaker 2: a way where it covered any toxic ways that I

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Speaker 2: may have had or excused them. Does that make sense, yes, yep.

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Speaker 2: So it wasn't until I got into this relationship that

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Speaker 2: I realized and we can dive into that in a

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Speaker 2: little bit where I realized, oh no, but bu, you

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Speaker 2: got some stuff you have to deal with too.

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Speaker 3: And I think that's the hard part though, right of

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Speaker 3: like having that turned on you, because it's like I said,

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Speaker 3: it's easy to point the finger at the other person

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Speaker 3: then to look at what you may be doing. But

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Speaker 3: I think you bring up like a good point about

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Speaker 3: when you're looking at yourself stepping back and saying, wait,

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Speaker 3: like what is this that I'm really am holding on to?

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Speaker 3: How is it really impacting me? Because what you've gone

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Speaker 3: through is still traumatic exactly, But it's how you're responding

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Speaker 3: to that that is making the difference exactly.

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Speaker 2: That makes perfect sense. And I guess before we get

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Speaker 2: into the juiciest stuff, let's talk about why it's important

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Speaker 2: to address our own toxicity. Okay, And when I think

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Speaker 2: about the importance of this, it's easy to brush aside.

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Speaker 2: We see so many people, right, I'm sure lady, you

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Speaker 2: can think of someone in your family right now. We're like,

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Speaker 2: I know that person has not done a deep dive

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Speaker 2: into themselves to understand themselves better and to overcome the

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Speaker 2: toxic ways. But I think the one reason that it's

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Speaker 2: important is because we should always be evolving, yes, and

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Speaker 2: change is a process and not an event, like if

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Speaker 2: you are I heard the quote earlier. Actually, I heard

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Speaker 2: a quote where it said if you are the same

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Speaker 2: person that you were twenty years ago or ten years ago,

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Speaker 2: something needs to be evaluated there, Like we should always

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Speaker 2: be developing a fresh perspective on something, or revisiting the

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Speaker 2: way we think about things, or trying to figure out

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Speaker 2: how can I become better?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 2: Maybe I don't handle myself well when it comes to

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Speaker 2: arguments or when I disagree with someone. How can I

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Speaker 2: evolve and become better. So I think that's number one.

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Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, I would definitely agree with that. I think

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Speaker 3: that it's important to recognize that the core of who

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Speaker 3: you are is what doesn't change, because I think people

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Speaker 3: get that confused, right when you're saying, oh, we should

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Speaker 3: be changing, Well, it is evolution, like you point it out,

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Speaker 3: and there is a difference between change and evolution. That

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Speaker 3: evolution to mean is a reflection of your core is

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Speaker 3: staying the same. But how your core gets reflected out

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Speaker 3: is what evolves over time based on your lived experiences.

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Speaker 3: So if your core trait, one of your core traits

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Speaker 3: is to be a helper, right, or to be warm,

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Speaker 3: then as you grow over time, how you display that

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Speaker 3: is what is evolving. You will always be a warm person,

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Speaker 3: but how it's displayed is what evolves.

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Speaker 2: That is a really good point down And I think

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Speaker 2: about my personal experience, and I'm sure you can think

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Speaker 2: about yours too. Like when I look back and read

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Speaker 2: journal entries from my seventeen year old self, right, I

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Speaker 2: am the same person, Like my essence has not changed,

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Speaker 2: and it's so fascinating to me because I'm like, all

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Speaker 2: these years have passed, but like I had some of

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Speaker 2: the same goals. I had the same like just inner spirit.

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Speaker 2: I guess, Yes, the best way to describe it where

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Speaker 2: it's like, you know, resilience is something I value. Personal

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Speaker 2: development was something I value, and now it's out evolving.

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Speaker 2: It looks different at different stages, but I am the

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Speaker 2: same person, but I've changed or evolved, right, So I

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Speaker 2: think sometimes it can be used interchangeably. But I like

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Speaker 2: the way you said evolving is more like your core

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Speaker 2: staying the same, but you just kind of becoming a

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Speaker 2: better you.

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Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, how you're expressing your core is what changes

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Speaker 3: over time.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and that brings us one to number two. When

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Speaker 2: you address your own toxicity, and I think we all

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Speaker 2: have it personally. I think many of us do. And

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Speaker 2: I think that when you do address your own toxicity,

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Speaker 2: it allows you to have better relationships. I have realized

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Speaker 2: that the better I've become over the years, the better

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Speaker 2: communicator I am, the better just person human being. Like

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Speaker 2: I used to take things so offensively and take things

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Speaker 2: so personally even though they had nothing to do with me,

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Speaker 2: And now my mind is shifting and I see people

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Speaker 2: as a reflection of what's going on with themselves. Versus

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Speaker 2: what it means too, and for me, you know what

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Speaker 2: I mean, and that shift in and of itself has

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Speaker 2: transformed my whole vibe and like my energy, and so

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Speaker 2: now I'm better in relationships because of how I relate

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Speaker 2: to myself.

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Speaker 3: And I think the other thing too. One of the

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Speaker 3: things that I've noticed within myself is that as my

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Speaker 3: communication gets better, my anxiety decreases. Right. So I don't

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Speaker 3: know for some folks, I know for me, particularly like

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Speaker 3: if someone has like social anxiety, a lot of that

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Speaker 3: social anxiety is about the communication with other people or

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Speaker 3: how they may be perceived by other people, right, And

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Speaker 3: so the more you communicate clearly, which can be hard,

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Speaker 3: sometimes the easier it is for you to be in

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Speaker 3: that situation. So let's say you're running late, right. I

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Speaker 3: know for years that used to be a thing that

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Speaker 3: would like give me anxiety if I was running late,

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Speaker 3: because some of it was tied to me beating myself

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Speaker 3: up about well, you should have been on time, and

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Speaker 3: you know why, you need to be better about your

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Speaker 3: time management. And I could go down the list of

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Speaker 3: negative things to say to myself to make myself feel bad,

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Speaker 3: and then also at the same time, saying, and you're

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Speaker 3: not valuing this other person's time, and what are they

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Speaker 3: going to think of you if you are running behind?

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Speaker 3: And it could be something as simple as we're meeting

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Speaker 3: up for drinks at happy hour, and so I would

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Speaker 3: find myself like, okay, I know, I'm like, clearly I'm

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Speaker 3: gonna be late, and I would have this inner battle

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Speaker 3: with how do I communicate that I'm gonna be late?

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Speaker 3: And as I'm building up all this inner battle, all

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Speaker 3: it really takes is for me to send a simple

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Speaker 3: text message, hey girl, you know I can't be on

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Speaker 3: time for shit, I'll be there in five minutes, right,

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Speaker 3: So I take ownership of me not being on time,

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Speaker 3: and that's like, you know, that's a humorous rate way

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Speaker 3: to deal with it. I could also just say, hey girl,

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry on not being more appreciative of your time.

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Speaker 3: I'm running give me five minutes, right, But just putting

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Speaker 3: that communication out there and leaving it that would ease

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Speaker 3: so much anxiety, right, And so I think it's it

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Speaker 3: really is about figuring out where you are and how

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Speaker 3: you are presenting yourself, you know, in those moments spot.

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Speaker 2: On dom, I couldn't agree more. I think it goes

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Speaker 2: back to that quote that we started with where it's like,

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Speaker 2: it's all about the toxicity, It's all about your relationship

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Speaker 2: to yourself. Right. So yes, you people may think that, oh,

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Speaker 2: this person is so toxic, but when you get to

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Speaker 2: the when you get to the core, they really have

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Speaker 2: issues with themselves. And so we're going to dive into

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Speaker 2: the next important reason why we need to address our toxicity,

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Speaker 2: and then we're going to dive into more juicy stuff.

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Speaker 2: So you gotta stay tuned, lady. So next, it's important

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Speaker 2: to address your own toxicity because you don't tolerate as

254
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Speaker 2: much shit because you're facing your own shit. So your

255
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Speaker 2: standards have risen, right. And the perfect example I can

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Speaker 2: think of here is that when I began to really

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Speaker 2: address my stuff and now, for instance, I'm a pretty

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Speaker 2: good communicator. Like people may have thought I was good

259
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Speaker 2: in the past, that I really like, I really wasn't.

260
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Speaker 2: I may have been in a public facing situation, but

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Speaker 2: in my intimate relationships, I wasn't the best communicator. And

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Speaker 2: so for me now, it takes a lot for someone

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Speaker 2: to get me to that rowdy nook if you buck

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean to back it takes a

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Speaker 2: lot to get me to that point, and now that

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Speaker 2: I communicate better. If you're coming to me trying to communicate,

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Speaker 2: you kind of meet me up here. You can't be

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Speaker 2: doing all the rowdy, extra shit because I'm my own

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Speaker 2: That's not how I communicate, and so you're trying to

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Speaker 2: bring that type of energy toward me. I have a

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Speaker 2: higher standard for communication. So you need to develop yourself,

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Speaker 2: develop some tools, and you come back to me with

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Speaker 2: the tools that you developed, because now I'm elevating my

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Speaker 2: own conversation and communication style and someone needs to meet

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Speaker 2: me at that point. And so I think that when

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Speaker 2: we address what's toxic for us, you really can't tolerate

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Speaker 2: someone else's BS, especially if they're trying to manipulate you

278
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Speaker 2: in a relationship or let's say you're with a narcissist,

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Speaker 2: or you're just with someone that is extremely toxic. They

280
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Speaker 2: can't even hang with you now, right.

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Speaker 3: Right, And that goes and what ends up happening is

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Speaker 3: either they will rise to the occasion or they'll fade away.

283
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Speaker 3: But the other beauty in that is that then you

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Speaker 3: will find yourself interacting with different people because you are

285
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Speaker 3: in a different space. So you will be attracting people

286
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Speaker 3: who communicate on that level that you are at or

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Speaker 3: that you're seeking spot on.

288
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Speaker 2: It just makes me think about certain loved ones where

289
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Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, you seem to be upset right now.

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Speaker 2: This is not how I communicate. So I think maybe

291
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Speaker 2: you should take a breather and maybe if we'll revisit

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Speaker 2: the conversation, because I'm also at the point now where

293
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Speaker 2: I'm not going to tolerate someone talking to me crazy,

294
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Speaker 2: yelling at me, and all these other things that I

295
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Speaker 2: tolerate in the past, because that's how I communicate it

296
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Speaker 2: as well.

297
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Speaker 3: Right right, And I think that that becomes hard for

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Speaker 3: those people hearing that. Right when you are setting that boundary,

299
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Speaker 3: when you are communicating in a way that feels healthy

300
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Speaker 3: for you, it ends up being a reflection to them of.

301
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Speaker 1: Oh shit.

302
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Speaker 3: Then they may end up in a space where they

303
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Speaker 3: get defensive because they're realizing, oh, she is communicating in

304
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Speaker 3: a different way that is requiring some vulnerability that I

305
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:37,000
Speaker 3: don't know if I'm ready for. And naturally, what they're

306
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,000
Speaker 3: gonna do is they're going to fight back or retreat

307
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Speaker 3: or retreat or freeze, because that's the way our body operates.

308
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Speaker 3: We fight, fight, or freeze. And the beauty of all

309
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Speaker 3: of that is that it's just information, right, But sometimes

310
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Speaker 3: it's hard to receive that information.

311
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Speaker 2: Yes, it definitely can be hard. But lady, here's the thing.

312
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Speaker 2: We are going to walk you through this journey together.

313
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Speaker 2: We got you, so as we continue to have this conversation,

314
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Speaker 2: there is no shame, there is no judgment. This is

315
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Speaker 2: all Adam said. I love that you said that. It's

316
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,800
Speaker 2: all information. And once we have information, we can decide

317
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Speaker 2: on how we want to move right, Yeah, and we

318
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Speaker 2: can possibly get to transformation once we have information. So

319
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Speaker 2: what we're going to do is, Domina, are actually going

320
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Speaker 2: to share with you some of our toxic ways. But

321
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Speaker 2: before we dive into our toxic ways and give you

322
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Speaker 2: some of that tea, we want to give you some

323
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:37,159
Speaker 2: signs that show that it's you, right, or signs that

324
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,560
Speaker 2: show that it's us, so signs that maybe we are

325
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Speaker 2: the toxic ones.

326
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Speaker 3: Sign number one, all of your problems are someone else's fault,

327
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Speaker 3: so you never take responsibility for the things that you

328
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Speaker 3: are experiencing. It's my boss, it's my partner, it's my mama,

329
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:05,240
Speaker 3: my daddy, the neighbor down the street they cut me

330
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Speaker 3: off on, right, it's everyone else but you.

331
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Speaker 2: And a question that you can ask yourself if you're

332
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Speaker 2: trying to figure out, well, is this me or is

333
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Speaker 2: it not? What is the last thing you've taken responsibility for?

334
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,679
Speaker 2: Because when I think about, I mean, I do this

335
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,000
Speaker 2: stuff so regularly now that it's a lot easier for

336
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Speaker 2: me to take responsibility for a problem that I remember

337
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,320
Speaker 2: when I wasn't at that place and when I got

338
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,639
Speaker 2: very defensive and didn't want to take responsibility for anything

339
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,320
Speaker 2: that had a negative connotation. Right, And so when is

340
00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:38,919
Speaker 2: the last time you're taken responsibility for something? Again, Domino

341
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,000
Speaker 2: are going to dive into our toxic ways or whatever

342
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,800
Speaker 2: you want to call it soon, But sit with that question,

343
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Speaker 2: like what is the last thing you've taken responsibility for?

344
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Speaker 2: And the thing about it is, sometimes when we can't

345
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Speaker 2: maybe identify something right off the bat, I would think

346
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Speaker 2: about another question that is what role am I playing

347
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,120
Speaker 2: in this scenario?

348
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:03,760
Speaker 1: Right?

349
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:09,080
Speaker 3: That's a great question, that's a great reflection question.

350
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,440
Speaker 2: That takes us on to number two. Sign Number two

351
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:16,320
Speaker 2: is you take more than you give? Now? I know

352
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,639
Speaker 2: many of us know people that take take take and

353
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Speaker 2: I think at certain points of your life, and depending

354
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,680
Speaker 2: on what stage you're in, you will be in a

355
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,120
Speaker 2: place where you feel as though maybe you take more

356
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,120
Speaker 2: because you don't have much to give. But I do

357
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,520
Speaker 2: think that it's not necessarily about what or how much

358
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:34,119
Speaker 2: you give, but it's about the spirit, right your spirit

359
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,600
Speaker 2: or do you have a giving spirit? Or is your

360
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:36,360
Speaker 2: spirit take? Take?

361
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:36,600
Speaker 3: Take?

362
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Speaker 2: And they give you an example. Let's say that you

363
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,440
Speaker 2: volunteer after work or after school, right, Or let's say

364
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,480
Speaker 2: that you are trying to always find ways to help

365
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,480
Speaker 2: other people. Maybe you have some knowledge or insight that

366
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,560
Speaker 2: you can share with someone, or maybe it's something small,

367
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,159
Speaker 2: like you do someone a favor, or you're at the

368
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,000
Speaker 2: store and you're getting sticky notes and you pick up

369
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,439
Speaker 2: sticky notes for your coworker this is next to you. Like,

370
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,480
Speaker 2: just think about how you move throughout life and are

371
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Speaker 2: you giving more or are you taking more?

372
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Speaker 3: And either one of those can be problematic. I know

373
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Speaker 3: that we said we started off with you take more

374
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Speaker 3: than you give, But if you are also that person

375
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Speaker 3: that is always giving and never taking, that can be

376
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Speaker 3: problematic as well, because that may be a sign that

377
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:32,040
Speaker 3: you are constantly being taken advantage of and that is

378
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,119
Speaker 3: not healthy either.

379
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Speaker 2: There's like, okay, there's like layers to this because that's

380
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,280
Speaker 2: a good point dom you could be taking advantage of.

381
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,720
Speaker 2: But you could also be one of those people. And

382
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Speaker 2: I used to be this person that struggled to get help.

383
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,880
Speaker 2: So you wanted to give, give, give from a place

384
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,719
Speaker 2: you wanted to appear to be strong. But maybe you

385
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:52,680
Speaker 2: didn't want anyone to help you. You didn't want to say

386
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,520
Speaker 2: that anyone has ever been able to help you like

387
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,080
Speaker 2: you've been giving. Maybe sometimes you give with an ulterior motive.

388
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:02,040
Speaker 2: This is all about just reflect on who am I today?

389
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:02,600
Speaker 3: Right?

390
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,040
Speaker 2: Where am I right? It's all about reflection.

391
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:09,080
Speaker 3: Because that giver if all you do is give. The

392
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:10,760
Speaker 3: other piece of that, too, is that it could be

393
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:18,840
Speaker 3: about ego that I'm so superior to everyone else, I

394
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:24,639
Speaker 3: don't need it. This makes me feel good and look good.

395
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:30,639
Speaker 3: To always be the giver, there's gotta be a balance

396
00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:37,240
Speaker 3: of give and take. That takes us to sign number three.

397
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:43,760
Speaker 3: You're the drama queen, the person who is toxic or

398
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:50,800
Speaker 3: and unhealthy. Every time you turn around. They love the drama,

399
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:55,600
Speaker 3: the reality TV show that is they live that that

400
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,359
Speaker 3: truly is their reality.

401
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,320
Speaker 2: They love the drama or they're literally always in the

402
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,000
Speaker 2: midst of drama. Now I will, let's kind of add

403
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,719
Speaker 2: some distinction here, right, I feel as though drama comes

404
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:13,600
Speaker 2: to me more often than i'd like it too. But

405
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,080
Speaker 2: when I look at the drama, when I look at

406
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:19,800
Speaker 2: the situation, I am not the common denominator and all

407
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,880
Speaker 2: the dramas that are playing out right, So for instance,

408
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,119
Speaker 2: if they're someone may call me and bring some drama

409
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,120
Speaker 2: to me, So now I have the decision to decide.

410
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 2: Now I have to decide whether I want to engage

411
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 2: in that help out or what role I want to

412
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,320
Speaker 2: play in that drama. But when I look at all

413
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,479
Speaker 2: the drama around, so whether it's you know, this person

414
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,879
Speaker 2: and their relationship, this person with financial issues, this person

415
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,879
Speaker 2: with their job, whatever it is, am I the common denominator?

416
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,199
Speaker 2: Am I the one that's involved in everything? Or is

417
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,040
Speaker 2: someone coming to me with the drama? Because if you notice,

418
00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:56,639
Speaker 2: oftentimes toxic people, they are always in the mix of

419
00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:00,160
Speaker 2: some drama. This person did that to them, this person still,

420
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,120
Speaker 2: this that got involved with this, this person did that,

421
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,760
Speaker 2: And you just listen and you're kind of like, how

422
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,919
Speaker 2: the hell. Now, I've had very adverse, you know, situations

423
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:10,760
Speaker 2: in life. I faced a lot of obstacles, but I

424
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,359
Speaker 2: wasn't the common denominator in all those issues, right, there

425
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:16,040
Speaker 2: were other people. So you really have to ask yourself, like,

426
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,200
Speaker 2: where's all this drama coming from?

427
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,159
Speaker 3: Are you the star of the soap opera?

428
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,880
Speaker 2: And if so, we're gonna be gentle with you. It's

429
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 2: just important for us to understand is this the case right?

430
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:33,960
Speaker 3: Right? Again, we are gathering information that's right. So then

431
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:39,359
Speaker 3: that takes us to number four. Sign number four. You

432
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 3: have a major superiority complex. Now we talked a little

433
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:47,480
Speaker 3: bit about this in the give and tape. Right, are

434
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 3: you that person that believes that you truly are better

435
00:24:53,840 --> 00:25:02,000
Speaker 3: and above everyone else, that you're perfect, you can do

436
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:06,119
Speaker 3: no wrong? You are sitting up on your high horse

437
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,360
Speaker 3: judging everyone else around you?

438
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 2: Or do you always need to be the center of attention?

439
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:18,320
Speaker 2: Like does everything have to revolve around you? And there

440
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,119
Speaker 2: were definitely stages in my life where I felt like

441
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 2: I wanted do I want all the attention? Maybe in

442
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,320
Speaker 2: certain areas of life where I was like, oh, I

443
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:30,919
Speaker 2: want the attention in this case, But does it always

444
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 2: need to be you? Like do you have to If

445
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 2: it's not you, it can't be nobody else, Like can

446
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,720
Speaker 2: you not give praise to anyone else because you are

447
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,120
Speaker 2: just the bomb dot com? Or as we used to say,

448
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,080
Speaker 2: what the bomb diggity? Right? You need taking it back?

449
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:52,120
Speaker 3: Okay, right, it's just come on, you know, yeah, yeah,

450
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,080
Speaker 3: who it's exhausted, We'll have two more.

451
00:25:57,119 --> 00:26:00,840
Speaker 2: Number five is your DeBie Downer when you think about

452
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,720
Speaker 2: a debut down or this is the person that always

453
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:08,200
Speaker 2: has something negative to bring into the equation. So someone says,

454
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:12,480
Speaker 2: oh god, I just got a promotion. Oh well did

455
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,400
Speaker 2: you get raised though? Or like how much you're gonna

456
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 2: make it? Or oh god, just got a new place.

457
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,840
Speaker 3: Oh well, that place still costs too much? Or it's

458
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,840
Speaker 3: in a bad neighborhood. Why did you get that place?

459
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:30,320
Speaker 3: Like finding some kind of way to tear you down,

460
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 3: to bring the situation down, never being able to find

461
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,080
Speaker 3: the joy.

462
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,399
Speaker 2: So someone does something. I'm just thinking of different words

463
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,760
Speaker 2: and phrases that I hear it from Debbie Downers. But

464
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,600
Speaker 2: they're like, oh, you doing too much? What does that

465
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,439
Speaker 2: even mean? Is there such a thing as doing too much?

466
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,280
Speaker 2: I mean sometimes there is, but like you know what

467
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,439
Speaker 2: I mean, Like if you go above and beyond and

468
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,360
Speaker 2: it's in a positive manner. It's like, oh, you're doing

469
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:57,080
Speaker 2: too much or it's just always something. They always find

470
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 2: that thing.

471
00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 3: That wasn't enough. Yeah, there's just no nothing you can

472
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:11,440
Speaker 3: do will ever please them. They are never satisfied. That's

473
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 3: what it is. They are never satisfied. Sign number six

474
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,840
Speaker 3: that you are the toxic person. You only express love

475
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:24,920
Speaker 3: or admiration when you need something. Girl, you know you're

476
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:30,840
Speaker 3: looking good. Girl, your hair stays laid, So you're gonna

477
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,200
Speaker 3: hook me up with your beautician.

478
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,200
Speaker 2: Oh so you only gave me that compliment because you

479
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,879
Speaker 2: wanted something? Or can I get fined? Not less, you

480
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,399
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Just something? Yeah, I know a

481
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:40,440
Speaker 2: lot of people like that too.

482
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,919
Speaker 3: That person is you know, it's sometimes it may be

483
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 3: hard to see it because that person is coming in

484
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,960
Speaker 3: and it feels they can be a bit charming, right

485
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,080
Speaker 3: because they they're presenting themselves in a way that like

486
00:27:55,280 --> 00:28:00,840
Speaker 3: they're ingratiating, and so you're like, oh, it's building up

487
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,680
Speaker 3: your ego for this person to come in and they're

488
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,600
Speaker 3: complimenting you and they're being they're providing you with all

489
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 3: this admiration and making building you up, making you feel good,

490
00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:16,520
Speaker 3: only to hit you with what can you do for me?

491
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,879
Speaker 2: Yeah, it reminds me of you know how it is,

492
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,080
Speaker 2: lady right? You had those family members where they're like,

493
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,439
Speaker 2: you know, I love you, right? You know how your

494
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 2: favorite auntie, Right, you know how your favorite uncle or

495
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,440
Speaker 2: a girl, your hair looks so good, let me hold

496
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 2: ten dollars. You know how it is? So it's like

497
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:36,480
Speaker 2: they try to butter you up for the ask.

498
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:42,480
Speaker 3: Yes. Yes, in marketing that's great, yes, But in our

499
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 3: personal relationships not so much.

500
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 2: Not so much. And the thing is, we learned this

501
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 2: in one of our previous episodes. Right, relationships are like mirrors,

502
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:53,320
Speaker 2: and for me personally, I didn't realize how toxic I

503
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,040
Speaker 2: was until I got into intimate relationships really, And I

504
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,600
Speaker 2: grew up in a very violent and abusive household where

505
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:04,280
Speaker 2: I saw stabbings, I saw people being thrown. I saw

506
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 2: a lot, and because of that, I didn't like to

507
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,640
Speaker 2: play I didn't like to play fight growing up. I

508
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:10,520
Speaker 2: don't know about you know, when we're younger and your

509
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,600
Speaker 2: friends want to play fight, I was like, Nope, I

510
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:14,920
Speaker 2: don't want to play fight because I felt like it

511
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 2: was traumatizing and I feared my own rage that would

512
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,719
Speaker 2: come out because of what I experienced and so in

513
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,840
Speaker 2: relationships though, I didn't behave very well and I had

514
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,840
Speaker 2: some bad some toxic traits, and so the thing that

515
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 2: I realized is that sometimes when you're a victim for

516
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,160
Speaker 2: a long time, it's hard to realize that you can

517
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:35,440
Speaker 2: be both the villain and the victim at the same day. Time.

518
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,240
Speaker 3: Yes, yes you can. And that's that is a hard

519
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,720
Speaker 3: thing to sit with. It is especially if you've been

520
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:45,320
Speaker 3: in that space where the space you've been holding is

521
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 3: an identity that you've been holding is I'm the victim.

522
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:50,000
Speaker 2: Yep.

523
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 3: It really makes it hard to see where you can

524
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,880
Speaker 3: be the villain because you've villainized. You villainize the other

525
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:02,760
Speaker 3: people in your life. Yeah, and the way and you

526
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 3: probably villainize them with such at a loss for words here, but.

527
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 2: Grotesque comes to mind, yes, Like it's just you.

528
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 3: Have so much disdain for them, that a negative judgment

529
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:21,640
Speaker 3: for them, that it's hard for you when you have

530
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 3: to look at yourself and say, well, I'm a villain.

531
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,480
Speaker 3: Why would you want to identify with this person that

532
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 3: you hold such disdain for? That is so incredibly hard

533
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 3: and painful it is to sit with.

534
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 2: And the thing about it is I feel like for me,

535
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 2: I had to come to grips with my shit. So

536
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,720
Speaker 2: I couldn't blame mommy, I couldn't blame daddy, I couldn't

537
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 2: blame whoever else had an impact on me. I had

538
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,720
Speaker 2: to come to grips with who am I today? Who

539
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,000
Speaker 2: am I today? What is this woman? What does she

540
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,480
Speaker 2: what baggage does she does she come with? And so

541
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,880
Speaker 2: dom I figured we could play a little toxic game

542
00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 2: where if I share my toxic trait, you could share

543
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 2: one of yours and we go back and forth.

544
00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 3: Okay, So the toxic.

545
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 2: Trait that I had that I actually had a very

546
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 2: intimate and like close relationship with this. I wore this

547
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,840
Speaker 2: as a badge of honor. And it was that I

548
00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:16,240
Speaker 2: was often called the man in the relationship because I

549
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:19,320
Speaker 2: didn't care. I pretended not to care a lot. So

550
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:21,840
Speaker 2: the people that I would date in the past would

551
00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:23,560
Speaker 2: often say like, oh, you're like the guy in the

552
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 2: relationship because of how cold I would sort of appear

553
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,960
Speaker 2: in the relationship. And I loved it because I was like, good,

554
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 2: that means that they can't get to me like I'm hard.

555
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:35,200
Speaker 2: I may be, you know, on somebody's heels or like

556
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 2: someone a lot back in the day, but I wouldn't

557
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:39,320
Speaker 2: show it. I'm that person that would play the game

558
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:41,920
Speaker 2: where it's like do I call them or not? Okay, cool,

559
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,960
Speaker 2: I'm just going to delete their number and not reach

560
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,560
Speaker 2: out because I want to show that I'm stronger. And

561
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 2: so I didn't realize that that was a problem until

562
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,200
Speaker 2: I got into a real relationship, like a real relationship

563
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 2: that I wanted to take seriously, and I had to

564
00:31:54,920 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 2: dig past all these layers of hurt and normalcy that

565
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 2: just weren't okay, Like it's not okay for you to

566
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 2: be in a relationship and to pretend that you don't

567
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 2: care about someone because you want them to show that

568
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:07,960
Speaker 2: they're It.

569
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,960
Speaker 3: Was like a big game game, and a lot of

570
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 3: people do that. I can think back to times when

571
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,840
Speaker 3: I did that, and I think some of what that

572
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:20,000
Speaker 3: ties into is the toxic trait that I've dealt with,

573
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:22,960
Speaker 3: and it's the need to be in control.

574
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,720
Speaker 2: Cool child tell me more.

575
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 3: So for me. And I was actually listening to Doctor

576
00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 3: Tama's podcast and she hadn't recently, and she had an

577
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 3: episode on control right Yes, And I listened to it

578
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:40,200
Speaker 3: and I was like, Lord, she's speaking my life. So

579
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:43,760
Speaker 3: it was basically talking about how depending on how you

580
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 3: were raised, that has an impact on how you present,

581
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:52,800
Speaker 3: like your need to have control. And for me, being

582
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:56,800
Speaker 3: the oldest and being what you would call the parentified child,

583
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 3: what helped me equilibrium, what helped keep my anxiety down,

584
00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 3: is to be in control and in charge of everything.

585
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:17,600
Speaker 3: And it has taken years for me to get to

586
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:22,320
Speaker 3: a space and literally that's only recent right of being

587
00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 3: in a space where I can truly just let go,

588
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 3: and it's still there's still times when it will pop

589
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:31,680
Speaker 3: up and I have to remind myself, no, you don't

590
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:33,720
Speaker 3: have to be in charge of that. And the way

591
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,520
Speaker 3: it would show up for me is my interactions like

592
00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 3: was my sisters, And you know, I've talked on previous

593
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:47,040
Speaker 3: episodes about being bossy and for years claiming that and

594
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:49,240
Speaker 3: wearing that, like you said, like a badge of honor,

595
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:55,320
Speaker 3: like I'm bossy, and realizing that I wanted to be

596
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 3: in control of so many of everything right, Like I

597
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,760
Speaker 3: can think think back to like planning or discussing family

598
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:08,880
Speaker 3: events and I would just step in and take control. Meanwhile,

599
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:13,440
Speaker 3: like that's causing me so much anxiety on the inside

600
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:18,440
Speaker 3: on an outside it's like I got this. And it

601
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,960
Speaker 3: was more so when I listened to Doctor Tama's episode,

602
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 3: like it made me reflect on, Oh, okay, so that's

603
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:30,320
Speaker 3: about my own how I've been conditioned and my own

604
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:34,120
Speaker 3: need to like have stability and manage my own anxiety.

605
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:39,359
Speaker 3: And over the years, I've learned to just let that go.

606
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:45,040
Speaker 3: And what I truly have been working on is other

607
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:50,480
Speaker 3: people can do this. If they want my help, they

608
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 3: can ask. I don't have to insert myself and volunteer

609
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:59,879
Speaker 3: because I know that sometimes if I volunteer, I will

610
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:04,120
Speaker 3: end up taking over and I don't have to do it.

611
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 3: They are other people. We're grown now.

612
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:09,879
Speaker 2: I'm glad that you said that that was definitely that

613
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:12,200
Speaker 2: resonates with me for sure, because I know we had

614
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:14,920
Speaker 2: like similar upbringings and that we were parentified at a

615
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,759
Speaker 2: young age. But the one thing I learned about from

616
00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:21,680
Speaker 2: my experience as it relates to control is that I

617
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:24,200
Speaker 2: had to take control in some areas, but I felt

618
00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 2: like a lack of control, like there was a lack

619
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 2: of goal that I had on you know, what was

620
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:32,799
Speaker 2: gonna what is life gonna look like tomorrow or today? Right?

621
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:34,560
Speaker 2: And so because of that, I just had to have

622
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 2: all the pieces when I think about my you know,

623
00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:40,359
Speaker 2: pretending not to care and being deemed as the man

624
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:44,000
Speaker 2: in the relationship. That came up for me because I

625
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:48,799
Speaker 2: saw so many men that I was around play women. Yes,

626
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 2: I mean I saw like they had side chicks and

627
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,320
Speaker 2: they were talking. I just saw them do women so dirty,

628
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:57,879
Speaker 2: and I was like, yo, I refuse to be one

629
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 2: of those women's out here looking fucking crazy. And so

630
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm going to be the one that

631
00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 2: I'm going to be in control in the relationship and

632
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,239
Speaker 2: that I'll control how my emotions show up because I

633
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,479
Speaker 2: don't want him to play me and until I get him. Okay,

634
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,279
Speaker 2: this was again the whole game, but that was the

635
00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:15,880
Speaker 2: reason why I got to that place. And can we

636
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:18,680
Speaker 2: talk a bit about like how we acknowledge that, Like

637
00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:20,719
Speaker 2: how did you even overcome.

638
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:22,640
Speaker 3: Well, the reality is that, like I said, like, it's

639
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:27,839
Speaker 3: still something that I actively work on. And I think

640
00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,359
Speaker 3: that's the thing that I want us to emphasize and

641
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 3: recognize is that breaking old habits takes a long time,

642
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,480
Speaker 3: and you have to be patient with yourself as you're

643
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,680
Speaker 3: moving through it, because even when you think that you're

644
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:49,319
Speaker 3: like I've arrived, yes, and I am healed and I

645
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 3: am no longer bossy. It still may sneak up on

646
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:55,759
Speaker 3: you every now and then, and for me, like when

647
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 3: it sneaks up on me, it's just a matter of

648
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 3: me saying like acknowledging to myself, Oh wait, I'm trying

649
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:05,959
Speaker 3: to take control here, let me step back. And I've

650
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:09,399
Speaker 3: gotten better at saying like asking what do you need

651
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 3: from me? How can I help? And then thinking about

652
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:20,280
Speaker 3: in other terms, like in other situations, trying to figure

653
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:25,319
Speaker 3: out like what to ask. So it's about like identifying,

654
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:29,759
Speaker 3: like where's my control showing up? Like how is my

655
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:34,440
Speaker 3: control showing up? And what is it that I really

656
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,440
Speaker 3: need in this moment? And how can I ask for

657
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 3: what it is that I need in this moment.

658
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 2: That's really good. I like the fact that you said

659
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:43,960
Speaker 2: that it still comes up because even for me, like

660
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:48,240
Speaker 2: although I'm married now, for a lot of my getting

661
00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:51,080
Speaker 2: out of the pretending not to care space, how to

662
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:52,839
Speaker 2: do with me doing my own work and being more

663
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 2: in tune with my emotions and being okay with them

664
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:57,000
Speaker 2: and being vulnerable and as many of you know, like

665
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,560
Speaker 2: I'm very vulnerable these days, and so I've had to

666
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 2: work to peel that back. I would say, the next

667
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:06,000
Speaker 2: one for me, the next toxic trait is communication. So

668
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:08,120
Speaker 2: doing what I saw on the home, even though I

669
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:12,920
Speaker 2: didn't know what impacted me, Like I remember seeing certain

670
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:14,960
Speaker 2: fights in my household and I was like, oh my gosh,

671
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,440
Speaker 2: I would never do that kind of stuff. And girl,

672
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 2: one day I was like, ooh, I sound just like so,

673
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:22,399
Speaker 2: and so I was like, oh damn. And my thing

674
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,920
Speaker 2: with communication and relationships used to be if my partner

675
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 2: didn't listen to what I was saying or they were

676
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:32,279
Speaker 2: rude one, I would interrupt all of the time, which

677
00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:35,239
Speaker 2: is so annoying as to be conversing with so ona

678
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:37,520
Speaker 2: interrupt And I realized how rude it is now and

679
00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:41,480
Speaker 2: I've had to work on that very very hard to

680
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:44,120
Speaker 2: stop that. But I would say interrupting, And then I

681
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,200
Speaker 2: used to do this little like popping the mouth kind

682
00:38:46,239 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 2: of thing, which is so inappropriate. I know it's not good,

683
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,960
Speaker 2: don't judge me, but I would do that because there

684
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,799
Speaker 2: was something that was said that I didn't like. It

685
00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,400
Speaker 2: was just kind of like a reaction because that's what

686
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,399
Speaker 2: I grew up seeing. I didn't think it was that bad.

687
00:38:58,719 --> 00:38:59,680
Speaker 2: I don't do that shit, no.

688
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:01,920
Speaker 3: More so you would pop the other person in the mouth.

689
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:08,960
Speaker 3: So just so we're clear, you would physically put your

690
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:12,560
Speaker 3: hands on someone else if they said something you didn't

691
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:12,960
Speaker 3: want to hear.

692
00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:16,279
Speaker 2: It was. It's a little more nuanced than that. So

693
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,880
Speaker 2: it was exactly okay, So to be in it again,

694
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 2: it's wrong either way, Like I don't I believe that

695
00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:24,359
Speaker 2: women should not put their hands on men women. Men

696
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,120
Speaker 2: should not put their hands on women. Women should put

697
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:27,920
Speaker 2: their hands on women, men should. No one should put

698
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 2: their hands on anyone like that's point.

699
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:31,839
Speaker 3: Like we were taking grade school, keep your hands to.

700
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,279
Speaker 2: Take your hands to yourself. For me, it was it

701
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:37,080
Speaker 2: started off as like a little flirty thing with a

702
00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 2: past partner where they would make a joke. I told

703
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 2: them I was uncomfortable with it. I didn't like the joke,

704
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:44,480
Speaker 2: and they would continue to do it, and so that

705
00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:46,760
Speaker 2: was like my little flirty thing. But then they began

706
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,440
Speaker 2: to despise the fact that I did that, and I

707
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:51,000
Speaker 2: was like, well, you need to stop saying this thing

708
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,719
Speaker 2: that you keep saying. I told you I didn't like

709
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:55,880
Speaker 2: and then that was my response. Either way, it's still inappropriate, Like,

710
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,960
Speaker 2: but I think he gives information right, It's not just

711
00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:00,879
Speaker 2: like boop upside right.

712
00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:06,000
Speaker 3: But I think that that that's good information because what

713
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:09,680
Speaker 3: you said in there was that you initially did it

714
00:40:09,719 --> 00:40:13,840
Speaker 3: as a flirty thing, and that flirty thing was still

715
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 3: sending a message. It was passive aggressive. But the reality

716
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,680
Speaker 3: is that oftentimes when our needs aren't being met, because

717
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:24,839
Speaker 3: you said you initially verbally communicated what you needed, yes,

718
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 3: that person did not respond to you, and so then

719
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:32,879
Speaker 3: you reacted to.

720
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 2: What I saw and witnessed right right.

721
00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:41,440
Speaker 3: And so to me, what that's saying is that, Okay,

722
00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:46,000
Speaker 3: you did try to assert yourself. That didn't work, so

723
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:49,800
Speaker 3: now we have to go to another method. But again

724
00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:52,839
Speaker 3: we are if we step back and we look at

725
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:56,319
Speaker 3: the actions that we take, it constantly gives us information. Yes,

726
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:00,520
Speaker 3: in that moment, even though you were trying to be flirty,

727
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:04,800
Speaker 3: you were still trying to find another way to communicate

728
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,480
Speaker 3: what you tried to say but wasn't being heard.

729
00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 2: Yes, at a spot on, And I'm glad that you

730
00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 2: asked for clarity and you were like, let me repeat

731
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:15,520
Speaker 2: this back to you. Why we got more information? So

732
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:17,880
Speaker 2: I love that you said that. But again I've learned

733
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,120
Speaker 2: that no one should put their hands on anyone, because

734
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:22,560
Speaker 2: it really can escalate. And I am totally not like

735
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:24,839
Speaker 2: I grew up with too much domestic violence to be

736
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:26,799
Speaker 2: repeating any of those cycles on like that. I need

737
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:28,960
Speaker 2: to knit that in the bud so down, what is

738
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,240
Speaker 2: your next toxic site?

739
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 3: So mine is also around communication, and so for me,

740
00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:42,120
Speaker 3: I would not communicate what I was really feeling. And

741
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:44,200
Speaker 3: again a lot of some of my a lot of

742
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 3: my anxiety that I've experienced in life was around me

743
00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:52,759
Speaker 3: not articulating what I needed. So in those situations, what

744
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:58,200
Speaker 3: would happen is and this is not just romantic relationships,

745
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:02,440
Speaker 3: This would be across the board that I would someone

746
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:05,920
Speaker 3: would say something to me and it would upset me,

747
00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:13,040
Speaker 3: or it would irritate me, or it would just make

748
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:19,040
Speaker 3: me feel something unpleasant. And instead of me articulating and

749
00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:23,919
Speaker 3: communicating to that person that hey, that annoyed me or

750
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:28,680
Speaker 3: I was hurt by these words or I was hurt

751
00:42:28,719 --> 00:42:33,879
Speaker 3: by these actions, instead of saying anything and addressing it,

752
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:38,800
Speaker 3: I would kind of hold it in and eventually I

753
00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:42,120
Speaker 3: would build up it, built up resentment. So then I

754
00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:46,880
Speaker 3: might find myself doing something in a passive aggressive way,

755
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:52,799
Speaker 3: like not commuting one not directly communicating with them how

756
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:57,160
Speaker 3: I was feeling, but then also finding myself feeling annoyed

757
00:42:57,239 --> 00:42:59,680
Speaker 3: or irritated when I would have to interact with that person,

758
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,800
Speaker 3: even if they weren't doing something that they could be pleasant.

759
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,440
Speaker 3: They could be like, hey girl, let's go get some

760
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:10,239
Speaker 3: let's go grab brunch, and I'm like, I don't feel

761
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:12,560
Speaker 3: like being bothered with this person today, you know, And

762
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:17,120
Speaker 3: really it was because they had done something to irritate

763
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 3: me that I hadn't let them know about. And they're

764
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 3: going on carrying on as if everything is normal. Meanwhile

765
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 3: I'm sitting here. I'm the one feeling miserable and they

766
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:33,280
Speaker 3: are everything's cool, and then I might get more irritated

767
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:36,840
Speaker 3: that everything's cool for them, and I'm over here pissed off,

768
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,920
Speaker 3: and it's like, well, how are they supposed to know

769
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,280
Speaker 3: that you're pissed off if you don't open your mouth

770
00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:46,160
Speaker 3: and say you were pissed off? Yes, So now I

771
00:43:46,239 --> 00:43:51,480
Speaker 3: want to take us to how do we make that change?

772
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:53,839
Speaker 3: So we've identified and I think we've kind of been

773
00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:56,000
Speaker 3: talking about this a little bit too, of like, as

774
00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:59,280
Speaker 3: we've been identifying some of those toxic traits that we've had,

775
00:43:59,719 --> 00:44:02,000
Speaker 3: we've also been kind of talking a little bit about

776
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:05,319
Speaker 3: ways to address it, but I want us to get

777
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:06,480
Speaker 3: a little bit more concrete.

778
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:09,840
Speaker 2: Let's do it. So when you think about the people

779
00:44:09,920 --> 00:44:12,279
Speaker 2: that you are in relationship with and the people that

780
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:16,239
Speaker 2: you're around, just kind of be mindful of how they communicate.

781
00:44:16,239 --> 00:44:18,800
Speaker 2: I think mindfulness is so key in all of this.

782
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,240
Speaker 2: It's just sitting and being the observer of your thoughts

783
00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:24,640
Speaker 2: and just being aware of what's happening around you and

784
00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:29,120
Speaker 2: think to yourself, are these people are they walking on eggshells?

785
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:32,520
Speaker 2: Like do people seem to be acting a certain way

786
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:34,840
Speaker 2: because I'm around you? Get you know how it is

787
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:37,680
Speaker 2: like you ever walk into an environment and you're like, damn,

788
00:44:37,719 --> 00:44:40,520
Speaker 2: something just shifted when I walked in, or you just

789
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 2: notice that there's a shift in the environment or something's different.

790
00:44:43,719 --> 00:44:46,160
Speaker 2: I think that's something to be mindful of because sometimes

791
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,719
Speaker 2: if we are the talks of people, those people may

792
00:44:48,719 --> 00:44:50,560
Speaker 2: not want to come to us and tell us that

793
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:54,200
Speaker 2: it's you right. They may not feel comfortable saying that,

794
00:44:54,239 --> 00:44:56,399
Speaker 2: they may not have the language, they may not even

795
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 2: know how to do it. And so it's important for

796
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:01,759
Speaker 2: us to be self aware to realize if we are

797
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:04,560
Speaker 2: coming into an environment and shifting things up, or you

798
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:05,440
Speaker 2: could ask.

799
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:09,080
Speaker 3: Right in the spirit of being mindful. That takes us

800
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:14,000
Speaker 3: to number two, monitor your own thoughts and actions. And

801
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:16,359
Speaker 3: I think that what that means is that when you

802
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 3: are responding to other people, you're engaging other people, is

803
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:24,560
Speaker 3: your first response to be critical and not critical in

804
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,840
Speaker 3: a I'm using my critical thinking skills because I advocate

805
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:32,640
Speaker 3: for that right, yes, but critical in the judgmental way

806
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:37,480
Speaker 3: and finding the flaw, always looking specifically for the flaws

807
00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:42,040
Speaker 3: or what they're not doing well. And then you say it.

808
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,520
Speaker 3: You voice your opinion and don't care whether or not

809
00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:46,680
Speaker 3: you're hurting the other person's feelings or not.

810
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:48,600
Speaker 2: And one thing that came to mind for me as

811
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:50,320
Speaker 2: you said that, don was like, you see a woman

812
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 2: with a nice outfit and maybe someone complimentary and you're like, oh, yeah,

813
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,440
Speaker 2: I mean, I guess it's cute, but I would have

814
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:57,960
Speaker 2: ward different shoes. It's like, that's really not even necessary,

815
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:00,080
Speaker 2: the fact that you would have just give some all

816
00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:03,400
Speaker 2: of y'alls kudos. It's cool, Like it's all right, baby,

817
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:07,680
Speaker 2: it's all good, right, right cool. So that's one. The

818
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:14,799
Speaker 2: next one is apologize more and seek understanding. Apologizing can

819
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:18,879
Speaker 2: really unlock so many doors for us if we apologize more.

820
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:20,839
Speaker 2: I know I used to have a problem with saying

821
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:24,160
Speaker 2: I apologize because it just felt like I'm wrong? What

822
00:46:24,160 --> 00:46:26,319
Speaker 2: did I do? And it was the ego. But I

823
00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:29,680
Speaker 2: think that when you truly apologize and not make excuses,

824
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:32,640
Speaker 2: you just apologize and you seek understanding. So, for instance,

825
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 2: don what's something I might apologize for you for I

826
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:37,720
Speaker 2: don't know, maybe I kicked your leg or something by accident,

827
00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:40,560
Speaker 2: or yeah, let's say I'll kick your egg and I'm like,

828
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:45,840
Speaker 2: I apologize, dom or you tell me i'll kick your leg.

829
00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:51,399
Speaker 3: Like yeah, if I if so? If it doesn't even

830
00:46:51,440 --> 00:46:54,759
Speaker 3: have to be that I acknowledged it, right, something as

831
00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:59,080
Speaker 3: simple as you are being mindful of it and you

832
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:02,279
Speaker 3: are aware that that you kicked me and you say, oh,

833
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:05,360
Speaker 3: my bad, girl, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kick you. Yeah,

834
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:10,799
Speaker 3: or even and even if it's something more serious, then

835
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:15,560
Speaker 3: being mindful in a way that how you apologize also

836
00:47:15,719 --> 00:47:20,640
Speaker 3: is important as well. So you accidentally kicked me, my bad,

837
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:24,359
Speaker 3: I didn't mean to kick you. It's fine, But we

838
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:30,239
Speaker 3: had a scheduled telephone call and you didn't respond to

839
00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:32,719
Speaker 3: my text messages. You didn't respond to my email and

840
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:37,480
Speaker 3: you didn't call. That's not a oh my bad girl,

841
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:44,200
Speaker 3: that's a hey, dom, I am so sorry that I

842
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:47,239
Speaker 3: missed our call and that I wasn't responsive to your

843
00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:50,880
Speaker 3: communication when you were seeking to reach out to me.

844
00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:53,560
Speaker 2: I think that's a great example. I also think about

845
00:47:53,560 --> 00:47:56,080
Speaker 2: when people are when they bring them to your attention

846
00:47:56,560 --> 00:48:00,319
Speaker 2: and you want to apologize, seek understanding too, like I'm

847
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,520
Speaker 2: so sorry, don Like how did that make you feel?

848
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,360
Speaker 2: Or what could you know? What could I do better?

849
00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:08,000
Speaker 2: Or honestly, just asking someone how how do I make

850
00:48:08,040 --> 00:48:10,600
Speaker 2: you feel? That can unlock so many doors for you

851
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:12,960
Speaker 2: because now you get a chance to get more information

852
00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:16,440
Speaker 2: about what you can now specifically address because they've shared

853
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:18,920
Speaker 2: it with you how you made them feel, and people

854
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:19,960
Speaker 2: just want to be heard.

855
00:48:19,800 --> 00:48:25,200
Speaker 3: Right, And that takes us to our final tip, identifying

856
00:48:25,280 --> 00:48:28,200
Speaker 3: the root of the toxicity and what must be done

857
00:48:28,239 --> 00:48:31,880
Speaker 3: to heal. Y'all know resident therapists over here. I'm gonna

858
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:34,480
Speaker 3: say my suggestion is going to be to talk to

859
00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:38,400
Speaker 3: a professional, right because, like we said at the beginning,

860
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:46,920
Speaker 3: addressing the toxicity is hard. And even though we've been

861
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:50,279
Speaker 3: using that term toxicity and some of you may keep

862
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 3: hearing this and we're at the end of the show

863
00:48:53,040 --> 00:48:56,600
Speaker 3: and some of you still are like repulsed by the word,

864
00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:01,120
Speaker 3: having a hard time hearing the word toxicity and not

865
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:04,640
Speaker 3: take it as a personal attack. But what we're saying

866
00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:07,560
Speaker 3: when we're using the word toxicity is we're letting you

867
00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:13,359
Speaker 3: know that there are some unhealthy things happening, and if

868
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:19,640
Speaker 3: you really want to live your best life and be

869
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:26,360
Speaker 3: your happy, healthy, authentic self, you've got to heal those

870
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:31,360
Speaker 3: things that are causing problems in your relationships.

871
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:34,040
Speaker 2: That's right, because you already know we can't heal what

872
00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:36,360
Speaker 2: we don't reveal, and it's like if you have a

873
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:39,520
Speaker 2: cut on your leg or gaping gas and you just

874
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:41,200
Speaker 2: put a band aid on it, it's not going to

875
00:49:41,239 --> 00:49:42,719
Speaker 2: do much right, So we want to leave you with

876
00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:46,160
Speaker 2: some resources, lady, that you can tune into in addition

877
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:49,200
Speaker 2: to this episode, So we have a book called Will

878
00:49:49,239 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 2: I Ever Be Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,

879
00:49:52,960 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 2: which is a really great read. You should definitely check

880
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:57,680
Speaker 2: that out. It'll give you additional tips and tools. We

881
00:49:57,760 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 2: also have a self compassion deck with fifty mindfulness based practices,

882
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:04,840
Speaker 2: so that'll be in the show notes. And then we

883
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:07,680
Speaker 2: have three episodes that you should definitely listen to if

884
00:50:07,719 --> 00:50:10,239
Speaker 2: you have not already, and listen to them right after

885
00:50:10,280 --> 00:50:13,200
Speaker 2: this episode. So the first one is from season five,

886
00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:16,799
Speaker 2: episode three, which is a fresh perspective on receiving feedback

887
00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:20,239
Speaker 2: and managing defensiveness. That was a good episode where Dom

888
00:50:20,239 --> 00:50:22,759
Speaker 2: and I talked about how we have been processing the

889
00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:25,720
Speaker 2: feedback that we get from the podcast. Some is good,

890
00:50:26,239 --> 00:50:28,799
Speaker 2: others constructive feedback that's good for us to know about

891
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:31,200
Speaker 2: that we need to figure out how to process. And

892
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:34,399
Speaker 2: then we have season five episode four, which is how

893
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:37,640
Speaker 2: your words are creating your current reality. We encourage you

894
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,480
Speaker 2: to put some respect on your name in that episode.

895
00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:43,760
Speaker 2: And last, but not least, we have season three episode twelve,

896
00:50:44,120 --> 00:50:47,240
Speaker 2: which is one of our all time favorites. Yes, Healing

897
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 2: Intergenerational Trauma with doctor Tama Bryant Davis.

898
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:56,000
Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's doctor Dom here from the Herspace podcast.

899
00:50:56,560 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 3: Do you have a burning question you're dying to get

900
00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:02,319
Speaker 3: feedback on? Do you want an unbiased perspective on a

901
00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:07,360
Speaker 3: situation you're facing? If so, visit her spacepodcast dot com

902
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:11,360
Speaker 3: and click ask doctor Dom under the start here option.

903
00:51:11,880 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 3: Every Tuesday, I'll choose a few questions and answer them

904
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:19,160
Speaker 3: at random. Thanks for joining us today in her Space.

905
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:25,040
Speaker 3: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

906
00:51:25,520 --> 00:51:28,840
Speaker 3: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no

907
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:32,280
Speaker 3: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal

908
00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:37,080
Speaker 3: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are

909
00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:40,000
Speaker 3: someone you know is in need of mental health care,

910
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:44,680
Speaker 3: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today

911
00:51:45,200 --> 00:51:47,120
Speaker 3: or contact your insurance provider.

912
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:49,359
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

913
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:52,759
Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

914
00:51:52,840 --> 00:51:57,720
Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast, or check out our website

915
00:51:57,760 --> 00:52:02,000
Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

916
00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:06,359
Speaker 2: after me, There's something inside of me that's bigger than

917
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:07,319
Speaker 2: any obstacle.

918
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:09,720
Speaker 3: We'll see you next week, Lady