Speaker 1: You're going to meet someone, and that someone is going
Speaker 1: to come with all their flaws, their baggage that challenges
Speaker 1: their trauma. But it is up to you and that
Speaker 1: person to figure out whether you're willing to do that
Speaker 1: work in order to make that person a soul, in
Speaker 1: order to make that person the one. Hey, everyone, welcome
Speaker 1: back to on Purpose, the number one health podcast in
Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you
Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn and grow Now.
Speaker 1: January was our biggest month of all time listens on
Speaker 1: the podcast, thanks to each and every one of you.
Speaker 1: It's amazing. We were literally at number five in the US,
Speaker 1: always in the top ten to fifteen in the whole
Speaker 1: world across categories. And that's because of each and every
Speaker 1: single one of you that keep coming back. And it
Speaker 1: means the world to me that we're only growing, we're
Speaker 1: only meeting more people, we're only connecting with more of you,
Speaker 1: and you're sharing it, and you're spreading this and you're
Speaker 1: passing it on to your friends. And this week I
Speaker 1: bumped into a few of you at a premiere and
Speaker 1: I was just blown away by just a love and
Speaker 1: the genuineness. If you ever see me anywhere. Please please
Speaker 1: please come and say hello, Please come and give me
Speaker 1: a big hug. I mean on purpose at this point
Speaker 1: is family is community, and so thank you to each
Speaker 1: and every single one of you. Now Monday is Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: I had to do an episode dedicated to love, and
Speaker 1: today's episode is about the eleven principles I've learned about
Speaker 1: love for twenty twenty two. These are new principles ideas
Speaker 1: that I've been grappling with, things I've been thinking about.
Speaker 1: And if you're someone who's been working on your relationship recently,
Speaker 1: if you're someone who's looking for love this year, if
Speaker 1: you're someone who's coming out of a breakup or coming
Speaker 1: out of a tough situation, I definitely want you to
Speaker 1: listen to this episode and pass it on to a
Speaker 1: friend who may actually need some of the insight and
Speaker 1: advice that's inside this particular session. So let's get going
Speaker 1: right away now. Recently I was doing a few interviews
Speaker 1: sharing my exciting new partnership and collaboration with Calm. I've
Speaker 1: joined as the chief Purpose Officer. I'm an equity owner.
Speaker 1: I'm guiding the company from a chief purpose officer point
Speaker 1: of view. And I was doing some interviews with people
Speaker 1: that had connected with digitally over the pandemic but never met,
Speaker 1: and one of those people was Drew Barrymore. Now, Drew
Speaker 1: Barrymore is an absolute dream. She was amazing. Her energy
Speaker 1: in person was even more incredible than it's been over
Speaker 1: messaging and texting and dming, and I'm so grateful that
Speaker 1: I finally got to meet her. And I went on
Speaker 1: her show in New York and in the show, they
Speaker 1: do this segment where they react to news headlines. So
Speaker 1: they'll take headlines from the news and then me and
Speaker 1: her and everyone else we have to react to these
Speaker 1: new headlines. Now, one of the news headlines really got
Speaker 1: me thinking. The headline was our soulmates real? Right, our
Speaker 1: soulmates Real? And the first thing that came to my mind,
Speaker 1: which I said in the interview, was that I believe
Speaker 1: that a soulmate is a mate that helps you find
Speaker 1: your soul. And therefore, I think we have lots of
Speaker 1: soulmates at different times in our life that directly or
Speaker 1: indirectly help us find parts of our soul. And this
Speaker 1: really got me thinking about this concept of soulmate and
Speaker 1: where it comes from. Now, I was reading a great
Speaker 1: article which was looking at Marist Pole, and it was
Speaker 1: saying that seven three percent of Americans believe in soulmates,
Speaker 1: and more men than women believe that they're destined to
Speaker 1: find their one true soulmate. Males seventy four percent and
Speaker 1: female seventy one percent, and seventy nine percent of people
Speaker 1: younger than forty five believe in soulmates, while only sixty
Speaker 1: nine percent of those over forty five do. Now, I
Speaker 1: don't know if this is surprising to you. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you look at it and go, yeah, that
Speaker 1: makes sense, that's exactly what I think. Because the reason
Speaker 1: I thought that was fascinating. So I realized that it's
Speaker 1: a really popular concept to believe in soulmates, to believe
Speaker 1: that there is someone ideally suited to you as a
Speaker 1: romantic partner. And I think that that idea, like many ideas,
Speaker 1: has certain positives, but it also has certain negatives. It
Speaker 1: has pros and cons, and in this episode, I want
Speaker 1: to dissect that as I share with you these eleven principles.
Speaker 1: When I look at this through the lens of wisdom,
Speaker 1: one of the things that's fascinating to me is that
Speaker 1: in traditions, especially Eastern traditions that value the role of
Speaker 1: karma and reincarnation, the idea that we have multiple lives,
Speaker 1: and therefore, throughout those multiple lives, we may re meet
Speaker 1: and reconnect with several people that we've connected within the
Speaker 1: past for the benefit of transformation, purification, and growth. If
Speaker 1: we don't learn a lesson, learn a principle, we're often
Speaker 1: brought into similar scenarios or settings where we can reconnect
Speaker 1: with that meaning, with that lesson, with that growth. Soulmates
Speaker 1: in that sense are people that are connected to us
Speaker 1: throughout our lifetimes that keep reoccurring for us to learn
Speaker 1: certain principles, for us to have certain growth periods, for
Speaker 1: us to go on certain journeys. But I think today
Speaker 1: we've over simple fid The version of a soulmate is
Speaker 1: just being this perfect person that exists just for us.
Speaker 1: And while it is true that you can construct and
Speaker 1: build and grow a relationship, to believe that there is
Speaker 1: only one person who is already this is where my
Speaker 1: challenge with this idea comes from, is that we believe
Speaker 1: that there is someone already ideally suited. I believe that
Speaker 1: there are people who are ideally suited to work with
Speaker 1: to grow with, but to believe that there is already
Speaker 1: someone ideally suited with no work. That's where I struggle
Speaker 1: with the concept. So when I share these ideas today,
Speaker 1: what they really are is you're going to meet someone,
Speaker 1: and that someone is going to come with all their flaws,
Speaker 1: their baggage, there challenges, their trauma. But it is up
Speaker 1: to you and that person to figure out whether you're
Speaker 1: willing to do that work in order to make that
Speaker 1: person a soulmate, in order to make that person the one.
Speaker 1: So this is really about that part of the journey,
Speaker 1: because that's often the part of the journey that we
Speaker 1: want to miss. The first one is a relationship only
Speaker 1: works if both people are working on it. Now, that
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're working on it at the same time,
Speaker 1: but both people have to sign up to work for
Speaker 1: the relationship. Now, it's important that when I say this
Speaker 1: that you notice people work for the relationship in different ways.
Speaker 1: Not everyone is working on it in the same way
Speaker 1: as you. For example, you may be someone who's turning
Speaker 1: up and solving problems, putting out fires for the relationship.
Speaker 1: The other person might be preparing, planning, scheduling. So notice
Speaker 1: how you're both prioritizing the relationship, but one is preparing
Speaker 1: for challenges, preparing for scenarios, and the other one is
Speaker 1: putting out fires. Which one is more important? I mean,
Speaker 1: that's just a subjective debate. The truth is that both
Speaker 1: people are working on the relationship, but they're working on
Speaker 1: it in different ways. And this is often our mistake
Speaker 1: as humans is that we're looking for people to work
Speaker 1: on things the way we work on them, and when
Speaker 1: they don't work on things the way we work on them,
Speaker 1: we think they're not working right. Imagine you just bought
Speaker 1: a new piece of furniture from Ikea or Ikea, I
Speaker 1: don't know how you say it. Here in the UK
Speaker 1: we say Ikea. And you're putting this piece of furniture together,
Speaker 1: and one of you is going through all the instructions.
Speaker 1: One of you is putting it all together, etc. But
Speaker 1: the other person's not doing that. But they put the
Speaker 1: order in, they went and picked it up. They are
Speaker 1: someone who's planning the next thing for the next room. Now,
Speaker 1: the person who's actually putting it together may feel like
Speaker 1: they're doing all the work, but the other person's also
Speaker 1: working on a different part a different way. So when
Speaker 1: you ask yourself the question are we both working on
Speaker 1: this relationship? Take a moment to notice how someone's working,
Speaker 1: because often when people are not working like us, we
Speaker 1: feel they're not working at all. And that is one
Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships, where we
Speaker 1: say where you're not working on this relationship, you're not
Speaker 1: helping build this relationship, You're not constructive in this relationship.
Speaker 1: But actually they are just in a different way. Everyone
Speaker 1: brings something different to a relationship, and that's what makes
Speaker 1: it special. That's really truly what makes it special. I
Speaker 1: want to share with you the biggest news of the year.
Speaker 1: How many of you want to meditate? I can see
Speaker 1: your head's nodding, I can see you raising your hands.
Speaker 1: I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want
Speaker 1: to learn to meditate. How many of you would like
Speaker 1: to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now,
Speaker 1: I already know what the answer is because I know
Speaker 1: how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay,
Speaker 1: I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took
Speaker 1: meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days
Speaker 1: live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I
Speaker 1: am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm.
Speaker 1: I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series
Speaker 1: called The Daily Ja where you can meditate with me
Speaker 1: every single day for seven minutes to make it a
Speaker 1: real habit. I would love for you to come and
Speaker 1: join me and take part in building a really powerful
Speaker 1: meditation practice. And guess what, we're going to do it together?
Speaker 1: Head over right now Tocalm dot com Forward slash j
Speaker 1: to get forty percent off a premium membership. That's Calm
Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash J. I had this beautiful opportunity
Speaker 1: this week. I was contacted by Jennifer Opez, who of
Speaker 1: course we've had on the podcast before and her team
Speaker 1: and they asked me to be a part of her
Speaker 1: special on NBC for the movie Marry Me. So their
Speaker 1: movies or some I just went to the premiere, who's
Speaker 1: absolutely fantastic. I love a feel good rom com, I
Speaker 1: genuinely do. I have a long list of my favorites,
Speaker 1: everything from how to Lose a Guy in ten Days
Speaker 1: He's just not that into you to think like a man,
Speaker 1: and the list goes on and Raddy and I absolutely
Speaker 1: love rom coms and we're always like why can't we
Speaker 1: have more rom combs in the world. So, you know,
Speaker 1: I loved watching the movie Marry Me. But along with that,
Speaker 1: because she wrote and sang the whole soundtrack, she launched
Speaker 1: a special premiere, which is a music concert with her
Speaker 1: and Maluma for NBC, and on that she asked me
Speaker 1: to speak about love and also to officiate the weddings
Speaker 1: of four people as part of the special. Now, these
Speaker 1: four people's stories brought tears to my eyes and literally
Speaker 1: all of us as we were officiing this wedding, we
Speaker 1: were all into because one of the couples they've been
Speaker 1: together for fifty years and they were renewing their vows
Speaker 1: and I was just blown away. I mean, I'm inspired
Speaker 1: by them. And then another couple, one of them had
Speaker 1: asked the man had asked the woman now in the
Speaker 1: relationship when they were eleven years old, and she said
Speaker 1: no because she thought they were too young. And now
Speaker 1: eleven years ago they got engaged and now they got married.
Speaker 1: And there was another couple, Matt and Bruno, who asked
Speaker 1: me if they could exchange rings, and I was just like, look,
Speaker 1: this is your wedding. I wanted you to have the
Speaker 1: most special wedding. Why am I sharing all these examples
Speaker 1: with you, because I've been immersed in love this week,
Speaker 1: and as I was speaking about love that day, I
Speaker 1: spoke about love based on this second principle that relationships
Speaker 1: are a classroom, not a candy shop. This is a
Speaker 1: really interesting mindset shift that the commitment we're making when
Speaker 1: we commit to love is to choose love over ego,
Speaker 1: to choose love over challenges, to choose love over everything.
Speaker 1: That's the commitment you're making is can you choose love?
Speaker 1: And relationships are a classroom for love, not a candy shop,
Speaker 1: because a candy shop means I just want to have fun.
Speaker 1: I just want pleasure. And if you view your relationship
Speaker 1: as just another way to get pleasure, you may be
Speaker 1: very dissatisfied or discontent because that seeking for pleasure is
Speaker 1: dissatisfying in and of itself, because now you just seek
Speaker 1: more pleasure, and more pleasure and more pleasure. The pursuit
Speaker 1: of pleasure is a never ending pursuit, and relationships are
Speaker 1: actually designed for purification, for unlocking your potential, for helping
Speaker 1: you discover your purpose, much more powerful or ground breaking
Speaker 1: beautiful things. But we're like, just make me happy, give
Speaker 1: me pleasure, Give me pleasure. And when you walk in
Speaker 1: and say give me pleasure, that person now has to
Speaker 1: be like a candy shop where they just keep trying
Speaker 1: to give you pleasure, but you don't work on deeper aspects.
Speaker 1: So why are relationships about a classroom? Because they're purifying.
Speaker 1: Relationships purify you of all your negative intentions, of all
Speaker 1: your selfish desires. Because you have to think about someone else,
Speaker 1: you have to work on yourself. It's forcing you to
Speaker 1: grow up. It's forcing you to take responsibility. You've been
Speaker 1: dodging and avoiding responsibility. All of a sudden, you have
Speaker 1: someone in your life and you really really have to
Speaker 1: show up. You really have to show up. The second
Speaker 1: reason that it's about potential is because relationships help you
Speaker 1: realize things about yourself that you didn't even know. Relationships
Speaker 1: help you learn lessons that you would never learn. Because
Speaker 1: now you're spending so much deep intimate time with someone,
Speaker 1: your flaws come out, your mistakes come out. Those would
Speaker 1: never come out if you're on your own. And finally,
Speaker 1: they're also about purpose because you get the opportunity to
Speaker 1: share this journey with someone. But all of this is
Speaker 1: only unlocked when we don't just seek pleasure. We have
Speaker 1: to seek more than pleasure from a relationship for it
Speaker 1: to be pleasurable. How fascinating is that concept? Right, just
Speaker 1: wrap your head around that for a second. When you
Speaker 1: seek pleasure, it almost runs away from you. When you
Speaker 1: seek purpose, when you seek potential, when you seek purification,
Speaker 1: pleasure comes towards you. Because pleasure is a byproduct of
Speaker 1: putting in the work. It is not meant to be
Speaker 1: a pursuit in and of itself, and that is where
Speaker 1: we go wrong. Now, the third principle is be playful,
Speaker 1: but don't play mind games. Playfulness is so important, but
Speaker 1: I still find so many people saying, well, he's not messaging,
Speaker 1: she's not messaging me. He's not asked me out. They've
Speaker 1: not asked me out, they haven't made the first move.
Speaker 1: If you're interested, make the move and observe. If the
Speaker 1: person doesn't reciprocate, move on. Make the move and move forward,
Speaker 1: or move on. If you don't make the move, you're
Speaker 1: constantly kidding yourself to figure out where this person stands
Speaker 1: with you. Right, make the move, and then you have
Speaker 1: two choices. You move forward because you like the way
Speaker 1: the other person responds or you move on. Now, we
Speaker 1: don't do that because our ego makes us think we're
Speaker 1: weak if we make the move, But actually we build
Speaker 1: strength when we make the move, because we build confidence
Speaker 1: in where is this going. We're now in charge of
Speaker 1: our destiny because we're saying this is something I'm interested in.
Speaker 1: Let me display that interest, and if the interest is
Speaker 1: not reciprocated, I can move on freely. But if you're
Speaker 1: just waiting, you may waste time. If you're just waiting,
Speaker 1: you just spend time hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting, which just
Speaker 1: drains energy and actually takes away from that relationship. Be playful,
Speaker 1: but don't play mind games. Right, Be playful. It's important
Speaker 1: to have fun, it's important to create joy. But the
Speaker 1: mind games destroy the authenticity of a connection. And I
Speaker 1: see too many people who don't think they're playing mind games.
Speaker 1: Like You're like, I'm not playing any games. I'm just
Speaker 1: you know, I'm just making sure that they're interested in me.
Speaker 1: But it's like, let's just display how we feel as
Speaker 1: opposed to hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting. When are they going
Speaker 1: to do this? When are they going to do that?
Speaker 1: So much time and energy is wasted in that hope.
Speaker 1: The fourth principle is making someone feel bad does not
Speaker 1: make them be good, but might make them act good.
Speaker 1: Let me repeat that one. This is huge. Making someone
Speaker 1: feel bad does not make them become good, but it
Speaker 1: might make them act good. So I used to believe
Speaker 1: that if someone wasn't responding to me, if I made
Speaker 1: them feel really bad, then that would make them change,
Speaker 1: if they felt bad about it, if I made them
Speaker 1: feel guilty, that that would make them grow. And actually
Speaker 1: I realized that I actually pushed, and even with Rather,
Speaker 1: I often did this. With Rather. I would make her
Speaker 1: feel guilty if I wasn't happy, and then she just
Speaker 1: didn't feel she could do anything to make me happy.
Speaker 1: So there were times when she would actually hold back
Speaker 1: because she was like, well, he's not going to be
Speaker 1: happy with anything, so I'll just play it safe. And
Speaker 1: to me that looked like she was putting in even
Speaker 1: less effort. But I realized that making someone feel bad
Speaker 1: does not make them become good, it might make them
Speaker 1: act good. Like people start pretending, People start trying to
Speaker 1: make you happy, and now you think they're being inauthentic
Speaker 1: if someone's letting you down. If someone is not according
Speaker 1: to your standards or what you need or you're looking for.
Speaker 1: Communicate that without guilt. Communicate that without judgment. Communicate that
Speaker 1: without expectation. Because we don't change because of judgment, guilt,
Speaker 1: and expectation. We change because of love, clarity, and communication. Right,
Speaker 1: we don't change because of judgment, guilt, and expectation. We
Speaker 1: change because of clarity, openness, and communication. Remember this next
Speaker 1: time you share something. Because it's so easy to try
Speaker 1: and make someone feel bad, hoping that that will make
Speaker 1: them be good. But they'll just act good, they'll tiptoe
Speaker 1: around you. Maybe they'll last a few more months, but
Speaker 1: it won't be satisfying. No one wants someone around them
Speaker 1: that's acting good, that's on their best behavior. We're not
Speaker 1: in school. That's a huge one principle Number five. You
Speaker 1: have to learn about this person again and again and again.
Speaker 1: Remember when you meet someone new and you ask some
Speaker 1: things like what's your favorite cuisine? Where would you like
Speaker 1: to travel? What did you want to be when you
Speaker 1: grew up? Right, you ask these questions and you have
Speaker 1: fantastic conversations and the chemistry and this interest. And now
Speaker 1: you've been dating for a long time and you already
Speaker 1: know the answer to those questions or hope maybe you do,
Speaker 1: but you stopped learning new things about the same person.
Speaker 1: I was recently on a podcast with Demi Levado where
Speaker 1: she interviewed me, and I said to I don't think
Speaker 1: there's any new ideas. I think there are only deeper ones.
Speaker 1: And this approach, to me is how we have to
Speaker 1: solve relationships. You're not going to get to know a
Speaker 1: new person if you're committed to a person in love,
Speaker 1: but you can always know them deeper. And this is
Speaker 1: partly why infidelity being moving on is so attractive, because
Speaker 1: you're getting to know someone new again until they become old,
Speaker 1: and when they become old, you want to move on
Speaker 1: to someone new because we're fascinated by newness, right We're
Speaker 1: addicted to newness. There's something about the new phone, the
Speaker 1: new TV show, the new season, the new outfits, the
Speaker 1: new person in their life. Newness is a natural phenomena
Speaker 1: for humans to be attracted to, and we need to
Speaker 1: use that as a trick of the mind. We have
Speaker 1: to use that. We can't ignore that. I can't tell
Speaker 1: you no, no, no, Just be fascinated with the old.
Speaker 1: Just be fascinated with what you already know, because that's
Speaker 1: not how we're wired. We're wired to be attracted to
Speaker 1: new things. That's the way we're built, right, because it's
Speaker 1: what helped us adapt, it's what's kept us relevant, it's
Speaker 1: what kept us alive. So keeping something alive in our
Speaker 1: relationship means seeking the new and the depth in the old.
Speaker 1: I talk about this experience in my book Think Like
Speaker 1: a Monk, when as monks we would walk down the
Speaker 1: same path every day and we were asked to find
Speaker 1: a new flower, or a new stone, or notice a
Speaker 1: new part in nature. And I'm not kidding with you.
Speaker 1: I discovered so many interesting shaped stones, discovered so many
Speaker 1: amazing flowers that I would never have noticed before, and
Speaker 1: I started to realize that the same old path could
Speaker 1: be new, beautifully extraordinary. To look for the extraordinary within
Speaker 1: the ordinary, to look for the uniqueness in the sameness,
Speaker 1: is a skill that we have to develop in our relationships.
Speaker 1: I find that I'm discovering new things about Rather all
Speaker 1: the time, and that's what makes me fall in love
Speaker 1: with her again and again and again. Right It's like
Speaker 1: I don't love Rather for the same reasons today as
Speaker 1: I did when I first met her. I'd say I
Speaker 1: love her for deeper reasons. Right, That's how love gets deeper.
Speaker 1: When you say has your love got deeper, It's got deeper,
Speaker 1: not because of more time. It's not got deeper because
Speaker 1: of more years. It's got deeper because I love her
Speaker 1: for more depth about her. Right, I've learned newer things.
Speaker 1: I've learned deeper things about her that make me fall
Speaker 1: in love with her more. Now, this is number six.
Speaker 1: This is a very practical thing. Up to until now,
Speaker 1: I've been talking about mindset shifts and changes, but this
Speaker 1: is a really practical one. Work on a relationship priority
Speaker 1: together every month. So you may say this month, we're
Speaker 1: working on our communication. We're going to try and be
Speaker 1: kind and empathetic. You may say this month we're going
Speaker 1: to try and work on our routine. We're going to
Speaker 1: try and go to sleep in bed at the same
Speaker 1: time because we want to spend that time together. This month,
Speaker 1: we're focusing on date night. So what you start doing
Speaker 1: is you all create a plan and a priority for
Speaker 1: your relationship rather than trying to do all of them.
Speaker 1: Most of the time, we're like, okay, this, we've gotta
Speaker 1: do date now this week, And we got to connect,
Speaker 1: and we got to communicate, and I'm going to spend
Speaker 1: time with our friends, and we're going to host dinners.
Speaker 1: No one thing per month, twelve things a year. This
Speaker 1: month we're focused on our finances. This month, we're focused
Speaker 1: on our personal growth. I mean personal growths always. This
Speaker 1: month we're focused on understanding new things about each other.
Speaker 1: This month we're focused on trying new experiences together. Take
Speaker 1: on a project every month like you do at work.
Speaker 1: I promise you if you approach it in that way,
Speaker 1: you plan your four weekends out, you've got four events
Speaker 1: to plan, to focus on it that month, to break
Speaker 1: it down that way, and you will notice that that priority,
Speaker 1: that project, that plan creates so much excitement. So this
Speaker 1: is the month we're focusing on our communication. All we're
Speaker 1: trying to do is be kinder when we communicate. What
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing to focus on. One of the things
Speaker 1: that I've loved about relationships is when you're working on
Speaker 1: something together, because then you feel you're growing together rather
Speaker 1: than being in the same place. The next one is
Speaker 1: any recurring issues, solve them for the long term. If
Speaker 1: you and your partner keep messing up on something, stop
Speaker 1: trying to solve it in the same way together. You
Speaker 1: may need to outsource it, you may need to bring
Speaker 1: someone in, You may need to invest a little bit
Speaker 1: together to get rid of it. Like if something keeps
Speaker 1: going wrong, you need to figure out a way of
Speaker 1: dealing with it so both of you are not having
Speaker 1: to deal with it, and there are lots of simple
Speaker 1: adjustments you can make to make that change. Happens if
Speaker 1: you see a recurring issue, figure out a way to
Speaker 1: create a long term solution, because obviously both of you
Speaker 1: are not able to do it now. What happens is
Speaker 1: that those things often amplify and become huge. The next
Speaker 1: one is prepare your partner for your mood swings. We
Speaker 1: all know when we're gonna have a tough week. We
Speaker 1: all know when we're going to be unreachable, but we're
Speaker 1: carrying the guilt and instead of explaining it, we just
Speaker 1: hope we're going to be good. I'll always tell rather
Speaker 1: rather I've got a really busy week coming up. I'm
Speaker 1: going to be really like stressed, and I've got a
Speaker 1: lot of pressure on, So just be mindful when you
Speaker 1: check in with me. Just know that that's where I'm
Speaker 1: coming from, right or like Hey, if you message me today,
Speaker 1: just know that I'm in meetings and so my messages
Speaker 1: may be short. This is a really good technique for
Speaker 1: your own self as well, because you start cutting yourself
Speaker 1: some slack because you're like, all right, I know I'm
Speaker 1: going to feel this way, and if I inform my
Speaker 1: partner now we both know, and I've prepared my partner
Speaker 1: for my mood swings, rather than them being surprised and
Speaker 1: thinking it's about them, rather than me being surprised and
Speaker 1: trying to hold it all together. Sometimes we're like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I'm just trying to be the most perfect
Speaker 1: person even I'm dealing with all this pressure. Rather than
Speaker 1: just saying top on it. Hey, I'm under pressure, and
Speaker 1: I may communicate this way, and I just want you
Speaker 1: to be aware that it's not about you. I'm working
Speaker 1: on it and I'm figuring it out. Prepare your partner
Speaker 1: for your mood swings. Next one, don't make them work
Speaker 1: through your trauma. Work on it yourself, and be patient
Speaker 1: as they do theirs your trauma and your challenges. They
Speaker 1: can support you, they can be patient, but it is
Speaker 1: you who has to work through it. And often we're
Speaker 1: like my partner's not doing this. My partner's not doing that,
Speaker 1: And usually it's because we're not doing it, we're not
Speaker 1: making the time for it, and that guilt is rubbing
Speaker 1: off onto our partners. So yes, our partner is going
Speaker 1: to be patient with us, stay through the pain. But
Speaker 1: it's so important for you to do that work on yourself,
Speaker 1: and that's why you're here. That's where you're listening to
Speaker 1: on Purpose, right And we've got so many more exciting therapists, coaches, experts,
Speaker 1: academics coming on to the show this year that I
Speaker 1: cannot wait to share with you. The next one is
Speaker 1: focus on how you can compliment, not compete, or complete
Speaker 1: your partner. A lot of couples end up competing. Competition
Speaker 1: means there's a winner and a loser. A lot of
Speaker 1: couples trying to complete each other. We're trying to be perfect.
Speaker 1: It doesn't exist compliment both in words, but compliment in
Speaker 1: what you bring. When you compete, you're trying to be
Speaker 1: the same person. When you complete, you're trying to be everything.
Speaker 1: When you compliment, you're trying to be You think about
Speaker 1: that for a second. Complimenting means noticing the beauty your
Speaker 1: relationship and your partner brings. Noticing the beauty you bring,
Speaker 1: not trying to be perfect and not trying to win.
Speaker 1: And the final one is recognize what they bring to
Speaker 1: the relationship, not just what they take. Take a moment
Speaker 1: today to notice what this person brings to the relationship,
Speaker 1: what they do for you, and tell them they probably
Speaker 1: don't hear it enough. I'm so grateful you. Listen to
Speaker 1: today's episode. Thank you so much for diving in. Tag
Speaker 1: me and let me know which is the best one
Speaker 1: for you, which is the one that's going to have
Speaker 1: the most impact, And I'll see you again next week.
Speaker 1: Have a great one. We're adding something new this year.
Speaker 1: I'm calling them calm moments. I'm going to give you
Speaker 1: special access to an episode of The Daily J. The
Speaker 1: Daily J is a seven minute daily meditation habit that's
Speaker 1: on Calm. I'm giving you a sneak peek into what
Speaker 1: you'll experience if you come over and get forty percent
Speaker 1: off a premium membership at Calm dot com Forward slash J.
Speaker 1: I can't wait for you to experience this calm moment.
Speaker 1: Let's do it now. Today's goal is to get back
Speaker 1: in touch with the most essential thing in the world. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about your Instagram account. I'm talking about
Speaker 1: Inhales and Excels, breathing life. These next seven minutes are
Speaker 1: about you, your breath, and how it can be used
Speaker 1: to manage your emotions. I'm Jay Jadie. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Daily Jay, and let's begin with that breath. Let's get centered.
Speaker 1: Big breath in and a big breath out. How about
Speaker 1: going even a little bigger this time in and out?
Speaker 1: One more and out we go. The breath is the
Speaker 1: foundation of life, Yet how often do we take it
Speaker 1: for granted, going about our days, forgetting that everything we
Speaker 1: do is possible because our body just continues to breathe.
Speaker 1: There's actually a way to be mindful of your breath,
Speaker 1: to think about it differently, that can transform your life.
Speaker 1: It's something I learned on my very first day of
Speaker 1: monks school. I was kind of in between my old
Speaker 1: life and my new one. I was in an ushroom
Speaker 1: in Mumbai, committed to becoming a monk, but I hadn't
Speaker 1: yet started down the path. I shaved my head, but
Speaker 1: I wasn't yet wearing my robes. I felt like a
Speaker 1: fish out of water. I'm sure I looked like a
Speaker 1: fish out of water. But this was where I wanted
Speaker 1: to be, and my curiosity outweighed my anxiety. So I
Speaker 1: was wandering down the long hallway of the main building,
Speaker 1: past classrooms on either side, and I came across a
Speaker 1: child monk teaching a group of younger kids. It was incredible.
Speaker 1: He must have been like ten years old and his
Speaker 1: students were like five. I observed them for a while
Speaker 1: from a distance, and I noticed that the teacher had
Speaker 1: this incredible aura about him, a sense of poise and
Speaker 1: confidence way beyond his years. When the class was over,
Speaker 1: I went up to him and asked what he had
Speaker 1: just taught his students. Turns out it was their first
Speaker 1: class ever. He explained that the first thing they had
Speaker 1: taught is how to breathe, because that's the only thing
Speaker 1: that stays with you from the moment you're born till
Speaker 1: the moment you die. All your friends, your family, the
Speaker 1: country you live in, all of that can change. The
Speaker 1: one thing that stays with you is your breath. It's
Speaker 1: also an indicator of your emotional state. When you get stressed,
Speaker 1: what changes your breath? When you get angry, what changes
Speaker 1: your breath? As he told it, we experience every emotion
Speaker 1: with the change of the breath. When you learn to
Speaker 1: manage your breath, you can navigate any situation in life. Wow,
Speaker 1: I was mind blown. I had meditated before, and I
Speaker 1: had some vague understanding of the hour of the breath,
Speaker 1: but I had never heard it articulated like that. How
Speaker 1: often do we get worked up losing ourselves in spirals
Speaker 1: of negative thoughts or emotions? How often do we spring
Speaker 1: into action or really reaction without any idea of our
Speaker 1: end goal? How often do we say things we don't
Speaker 1: want to say or do things we don't want to do. Fortunately,
Speaker 1: a few deep, mindful breaths can always help reset your
Speaker 1: system and regulate your fight or flight response, allowing you
Speaker 1: to make decisions with more composure and clarity. And with
Speaker 1: our final couple of minutes together, let's put these lessons
Speaker 1: into practice. Let's breathe so get comfortable wherever you are,
Speaker 1: settling into your body and into this, letting go of
Speaker 1: any tension. Sometimes I like to roll my shoulders a
Speaker 1: little or stretch my neck. Close your eyes if you want,
Speaker 1: or leave them open. This is your experience, and let's
Speaker 1: take a deeper breath here, fully in and fully out. Now,
Speaker 1: just breathe as you would naturally, no focus, no force,
Speaker 1: and gently try bringing your attention to the specific sensations
Speaker 1: of breathing. Feeling the cool, fresh air, entering your nostrils
Speaker 1: on an inhale, feeling the body expand with oxygen, feeling
Speaker 1: the sense of release when you exhale all the way.
Speaker 1: And now let's open it up. As you go through
Speaker 1: your day, maybe you can find little in between moments
Speaker 1: to bring this type of attention to your breath, like
Speaker 1: waiting for your tea to boil, or even just tying
Speaker 1: your shoes. Going forward, when you start to lose control,
Speaker 1: try pausing for a second and taking a few deep
Speaker 1: breaths before reacting. I promise you this will make a
Speaker 1: genuine impact. Now, before we say goodbye, let's take one
Speaker 1: more conscious breath together, inhaling gratitude for the life force
Speaker 1: that sustains us, and exhaling a thank you for always
Speaker 1: being there. I really hope you enjoyed today's experience. I'm
Speaker 1: grateful you chose to spend time with me, and I
Speaker 1: cannot wait to see you tomorrow.