WEBVTT - 11 Principles for Love I've Learned about Love for 2022 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:03.200 You're going to meet someone, and that someone is going 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:06.480 to come with all their flaws, their baggage that challenges 0:00:06.519 --> 0:00:08.840 their trauma. But it is up to you and that 0:00:08.960 --> 0:00:12.400 person to figure out whether you're willing to do that 0:00:12.600 --> 0:00:16.040 work in order to make that person a soul, in 0:00:16.120 --> 0:00:25.320 order to make that person the one. Hey, everyone, welcome 0:00:25.360 --> 0:00:28.880 back to on Purpose, the number one health podcast in 0:00:29.160 --> 0:00:32.199 the world. Thanks to each and every one of you 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:37.400 that come back every week to listen, learn and grow Now. 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:44.320 January was our biggest month of all time listens on 0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:46.920 the podcast, thanks to each and every one of you. 0:00:47.120 --> 0:00:51.480 It's amazing. We were literally at number five in the US, 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:54.200 always in the top ten to fifteen in the whole 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:57.640 world across categories. And that's because of each and every 0:00:57.640 --> 0:01:00.360 single one of you that keep coming back. And it 0:01:00.400 --> 0:01:02.560 means the world to me that we're only growing, we're 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:06.560 only meeting more people, we're only connecting with more of you, 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:08.920 and you're sharing it, and you're spreading this and you're 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:11.520 passing it on to your friends. And this week I 0:01:11.560 --> 0:01:14.440 bumped into a few of you at a premiere and 0:01:14.640 --> 0:01:17.480 I was just blown away by just a love and 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:20.800 the genuineness. If you ever see me anywhere. Please please 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:23.920 please come and say hello, Please come and give me 0:01:23.959 --> 0:01:26.160 a big hug. I mean on purpose at this point 0:01:26.280 --> 0:01:29.040 is family is community, and so thank you to each 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:33.240 and every single one of you. Now Monday is Valentine's Day. 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:37.040 I had to do an episode dedicated to love, and 0:01:37.120 --> 0:01:40.920 today's episode is about the eleven principles I've learned about 0:01:40.959 --> 0:01:46.160 love for twenty twenty two. These are new principles ideas 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:48.920 that I've been grappling with, things I've been thinking about. 0:01:49.200 --> 0:01:52.120 And if you're someone who's been working on your relationship recently, 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:55.640 if you're someone who's looking for love this year, if 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:58.720 you're someone who's coming out of a breakup or coming 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:02.400 out of a tough situation, I definitely want you to 0:02:02.480 --> 0:02:05.120 listen to this episode and pass it on to a 0:02:05.120 --> 0:02:08.040 friend who may actually need some of the insight and 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:14.720 advice that's inside this particular session. So let's get going 0:02:14.960 --> 0:02:20.040 right away now. Recently I was doing a few interviews 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:25.079 sharing my exciting new partnership and collaboration with Calm. I've 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:27.840 joined as the chief Purpose Officer. I'm an equity owner. 0:02:27.919 --> 0:02:31.639 I'm guiding the company from a chief purpose officer point 0:02:31.639 --> 0:02:35.040 of view. And I was doing some interviews with people 0:02:35.080 --> 0:02:38.400 that had connected with digitally over the pandemic but never met, 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:41.119 and one of those people was Drew Barrymore. Now, Drew 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:45.200 Barrymore is an absolute dream. She was amazing. Her energy 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:49.600 in person was even more incredible than it's been over 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:53.400 messaging and texting and dming, and I'm so grateful that 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:55.240 I finally got to meet her. And I went on 0:02:55.240 --> 0:02:58.400 her show in New York and in the show, they 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:02.480 do this segment where they react to news headlines. So 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:06.560 they'll take headlines from the news and then me and 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:08.919 her and everyone else we have to react to these 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:12.760 new headlines. Now, one of the news headlines really got 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:18.639 me thinking. The headline was our soulmates real? Right, our 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:24.560 soulmates Real? And the first thing that came to my mind, 0:03:24.600 --> 0:03:28.560 which I said in the interview, was that I believe 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:32.480 that a soulmate is a mate that helps you find 0:03:32.520 --> 0:03:35.280 your soul. And therefore, I think we have lots of 0:03:35.320 --> 0:03:39.760 soulmates at different times in our life that directly or 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:44.760 indirectly help us find parts of our soul. And this 0:03:44.880 --> 0:03:47.960 really got me thinking about this concept of soulmate and 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:52.760 where it comes from. Now, I was reading a great 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:58.960 article which was looking at Marist Pole, and it was 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:05.040 saying that seven three percent of Americans believe in soulmates, 0:04:05.840 --> 0:04:09.040 and more men than women believe that they're destined to 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:12.800 find their one true soulmate. Males seventy four percent and 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:16.960 female seventy one percent, and seventy nine percent of people 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:21.520 younger than forty five believe in soulmates, while only sixty 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:25.039 nine percent of those over forty five do. Now, I 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:26.840 don't know if this is surprising to you. I don't 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:29.080 know if you look at it and go, yeah, that 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:32.400 makes sense, that's exactly what I think. Because the reason 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:35.479 I thought that was fascinating. So I realized that it's 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:39.599 a really popular concept to believe in soulmates, to believe 0:04:39.640 --> 0:04:44.760 that there is someone ideally suited to you as a 0:04:44.880 --> 0:04:50.760 romantic partner. And I think that that idea, like many ideas, 0:04:50.880 --> 0:04:54.160 has certain positives, but it also has certain negatives. It 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:57.080 has pros and cons, and in this episode, I want 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:01.200 to dissect that as I share with you these eleven principles. 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:04.920 When I look at this through the lens of wisdom, 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:07.760 one of the things that's fascinating to me is that 0:05:07.920 --> 0:05:12.400 in traditions, especially Eastern traditions that value the role of 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:17.200 karma and reincarnation, the idea that we have multiple lives, 0:05:17.520 --> 0:05:20.760 and therefore, throughout those multiple lives, we may re meet 0:05:20.800 --> 0:05:24.800 and reconnect with several people that we've connected within the 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:30.200 past for the benefit of transformation, purification, and growth. If 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:33.960 we don't learn a lesson, learn a principle, we're often 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:39.760 brought into similar scenarios or settings where we can reconnect 0:05:39.839 --> 0:05:43.720 with that meaning, with that lesson, with that growth. Soulmates 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:47.160 in that sense are people that are connected to us 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:52.640 throughout our lifetimes that keep reoccurring for us to learn 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:55.479 certain principles, for us to have certain growth periods, for 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:58.600 us to go on certain journeys. But I think today 0:05:58.640 --> 0:06:02.479 we've over simple fid The version of a soulmate is 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:05.920 just being this perfect person that exists just for us. 0:06:06.880 --> 0:06:11.520 And while it is true that you can construct and 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:15.279 build and grow a relationship, to believe that there is 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:18.280 only one person who is already this is where my 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:20.919 challenge with this idea comes from, is that we believe 0:06:20.960 --> 0:06:24.600 that there is someone already ideally suited. I believe that 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:28.080 there are people who are ideally suited to work with 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:31.160 to grow with, but to believe that there is already 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:35.880 someone ideally suited with no work. That's where I struggle 0:06:35.920 --> 0:06:40.120 with the concept. So when I share these ideas today, 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:43.679 what they really are is you're going to meet someone, 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:47.000 and that someone is going to come with all their flaws, 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:50.440 their baggage, there challenges, their trauma. But it is up 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:53.560 to you and that person to figure out whether you're 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:56.760 willing to do that work in order to make that 0:06:56.839 --> 0:07:00.000 person a soulmate, in order to make that person the one. 0:07:00.320 --> 0:07:04.280 So this is really about that part of the journey, 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:07.400 because that's often the part of the journey that we 0:07:07.480 --> 0:07:12.880 want to miss. The first one is a relationship only 0:07:12.960 --> 0:07:17.920 works if both people are working on it. Now, that 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:20.000 doesn't mean that you're working on it at the same time, 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:22.840 but both people have to sign up to work for 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:26.280 the relationship. Now, it's important that when I say this 0:07:26.720 --> 0:07:30.240 that you notice people work for the relationship in different ways. 0:07:30.760 --> 0:07:33.320 Not everyone is working on it in the same way 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:37.200 as you. For example, you may be someone who's turning 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:41.480 up and solving problems, putting out fires for the relationship. 0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:47.760 The other person might be preparing, planning, scheduling. So notice 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:51.520 how you're both prioritizing the relationship, but one is preparing 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:55.240 for challenges, preparing for scenarios, and the other one is 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:58.960 putting out fires. Which one is more important? I mean, 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:03.640 that's just a subjective debate. The truth is that both 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:07.400 people are working on the relationship, but they're working on 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:10.640 it in different ways. And this is often our mistake 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:13.960 as humans is that we're looking for people to work 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:17.320 on things the way we work on them, and when 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:20.080 they don't work on things the way we work on them, 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:25.120 we think they're not working right. Imagine you just bought 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:28.280 a new piece of furniture from Ikea or Ikea, I 0:08:28.320 --> 0:08:29.600 don't know how you say it. Here in the UK 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:33.440 we say Ikea. And you're putting this piece of furniture together, 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:38.599 and one of you is going through all the instructions. 0:08:38.720 --> 0:08:42.040 One of you is putting it all together, etc. But 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:44.480 the other person's not doing that. But they put the 0:08:44.600 --> 0:08:48.640 order in, they went and picked it up. They are 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:52.600 someone who's planning the next thing for the next room. Now, 0:08:53.120 --> 0:08:55.120 the person who's actually putting it together may feel like 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:58.120 they're doing all the work, but the other person's also 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:02.120 working on a different part a different way. So when 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:04.720 you ask yourself the question are we both working on 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:08.800 this relationship? Take a moment to notice how someone's working, 0:09:09.240 --> 0:09:12.480 because often when people are not working like us, we 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:14.920 feel they're not working at all. And that is one 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:17.760 of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships, where we 0:09:17.800 --> 0:09:20.880 say where you're not working on this relationship, you're not 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:26.160 helping build this relationship, You're not constructive in this relationship. 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:29.760 But actually they are just in a different way. Everyone 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:33.080 brings something different to a relationship, and that's what makes 0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:39.040 it special. That's really truly what makes it special. I 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:42.960 want to share with you the biggest news of the year. 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:46.960 How many of you want to meditate? I can see 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:49.600 your head's nodding, I can see you raising your hands. 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:51.959 I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:54.440 to learn to meditate. How many of you would like 0:09:54.559 --> 0:09:59.760 to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now, 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:01.800 I already know what the answer is because I know 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:06.600 how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay, 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:09.640 I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:13.480 meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:17.400 live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:22.320 am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm. 0:10:22.440 --> 0:10:26.280 I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.280 called The Daily Ja where you can meditate with me 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:33.120 every single day for seven minutes to make it a 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:35.680 real habit. I would love for you to come and 0:10:35.800 --> 0:10:39.560 join me and take part in building a really powerful 0:10:39.600 --> 0:10:43.079 meditation practice. And guess what, we're going to do it together? 0:10:43.559 --> 0:10:46.400 Head over right now Tocalm dot com Forward slash j 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:50.080 to get forty percent off a premium membership. That's Calm 0:10:50.200 --> 0:10:56.720 dot com Forward slash J. I had this beautiful opportunity 0:10:56.800 --> 0:11:00.640 this week. I was contacted by Jennifer Opez, who of 0:11:00.720 --> 0:11:03.120 course we've had on the podcast before and her team 0:11:03.679 --> 0:11:06.240 and they asked me to be a part of her 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:10.760 special on NBC for the movie Marry Me. So their 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:12.520 movies or some I just went to the premiere, who's 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:15.640 absolutely fantastic. I love a feel good rom com, I 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:18.920 genuinely do. I have a long list of my favorites, 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:21.439 everything from how to Lose a Guy in ten Days 0:11:22.080 --> 0:11:24.880 He's just not that into you to think like a man, 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:27.360 and the list goes on and Raddy and I absolutely 0:11:27.440 --> 0:11:29.360 love rom coms and we're always like why can't we 0:11:29.400 --> 0:11:31.600 have more rom combs in the world. So, you know, 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:34.800 I loved watching the movie Marry Me. But along with that, 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:39.400 because she wrote and sang the whole soundtrack, she launched 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:43.760 a special premiere, which is a music concert with her 0:11:43.760 --> 0:11:46.960 and Maluma for NBC, and on that she asked me 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:50.640 to speak about love and also to officiate the weddings 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:52.880 of four people as part of the special. Now, these 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:56.880 four people's stories brought tears to my eyes and literally 0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:59.200 all of us as we were officiing this wedding, we 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:02.520 were all into because one of the couples they've been 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:05.959 together for fifty years and they were renewing their vows 0:12:06.400 --> 0:12:09.720 and I was just blown away. I mean, I'm inspired 0:12:09.760 --> 0:12:13.200 by them. And then another couple, one of them had 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:15.360 asked the man had asked the woman now in the 0:12:15.400 --> 0:12:17.800 relationship when they were eleven years old, and she said 0:12:17.840 --> 0:12:20.640 no because she thought they were too young. And now 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:23.079 eleven years ago they got engaged and now they got married. 0:12:23.600 --> 0:12:26.760 And there was another couple, Matt and Bruno, who asked 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:28.920 me if they could exchange rings, and I was just like, look, 0:12:28.960 --> 0:12:30.240 this is your wedding. I wanted you to have the 0:12:30.280 --> 0:12:33.439 most special wedding. Why am I sharing all these examples 0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:36.720 with you, because I've been immersed in love this week, 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:40.719 and as I was speaking about love that day, I 0:12:40.760 --> 0:12:44.800 spoke about love based on this second principle that relationships 0:12:44.800 --> 0:12:48.840 are a classroom, not a candy shop. This is a 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:55.040 really interesting mindset shift that the commitment we're making when 0:12:55.040 --> 0:13:00.120 we commit to love is to choose love over ego, 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:05.400 to choose love over challenges, to choose love over everything. 0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:09.920 That's the commitment you're making is can you choose love? 0:13:10.640 --> 0:13:16.480 And relationships are a classroom for love, not a candy shop, 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:19.680 because a candy shop means I just want to have fun. 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:23.440 I just want pleasure. And if you view your relationship 0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:27.320 as just another way to get pleasure, you may be 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:37.800 very dissatisfied or discontent because that seeking for pleasure is 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:40.720 dissatisfying in and of itself, because now you just seek 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:45.000 more pleasure, and more pleasure and more pleasure. The pursuit 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:49.240 of pleasure is a never ending pursuit, and relationships are 0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:56.559 actually designed for purification, for unlocking your potential, for helping 0:13:56.559 --> 0:14:00.440 you discover your purpose, much more powerful or ground breaking 0:14:00.480 --> 0:14:02.719 beautiful things. But we're like, just make me happy, give 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.440 me pleasure, Give me pleasure. And when you walk in 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:08.560 and say give me pleasure, that person now has to 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:10.520 be like a candy shop where they just keep trying 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:13.679 to give you pleasure, but you don't work on deeper aspects. 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:17.959 So why are relationships about a classroom? Because they're purifying. 0:14:18.280 --> 0:14:22.720 Relationships purify you of all your negative intentions, of all 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:25.760 your selfish desires. Because you have to think about someone else, 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:29.080 you have to work on yourself. It's forcing you to 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:33.640 grow up. It's forcing you to take responsibility. You've been 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:36.240 dodging and avoiding responsibility. All of a sudden, you have 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:39.160 someone in your life and you really really have to 0:14:39.200 --> 0:14:43.040 show up. You really have to show up. The second 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:45.960 reason that it's about potential is because relationships help you 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:49.840 realize things about yourself that you didn't even know. Relationships 0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:52.520 help you learn lessons that you would never learn. Because 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:55.320 now you're spending so much deep intimate time with someone, 0:14:55.600 --> 0:14:58.320 your flaws come out, your mistakes come out. Those would 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:01.479 never come out if you're on your own. And finally, 0:15:02.400 --> 0:15:07.240 they're also about purpose because you get the opportunity to 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.800 share this journey with someone. But all of this is 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:15.280 only unlocked when we don't just seek pleasure. We have 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:18.440 to seek more than pleasure from a relationship for it 0:15:18.440 --> 0:15:21.560 to be pleasurable. How fascinating is that concept? Right, just 0:15:22.080 --> 0:15:24.760 wrap your head around that for a second. When you 0:15:24.800 --> 0:15:29.040 seek pleasure, it almost runs away from you. When you 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:33.760 seek purpose, when you seek potential, when you seek purification, 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:39.080 pleasure comes towards you. Because pleasure is a byproduct of 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:41.640 putting in the work. It is not meant to be 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:44.200 a pursuit in and of itself, and that is where 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:51.720 we go wrong. Now, the third principle is be playful, 0:15:52.320 --> 0:15:57.680 but don't play mind games. Playfulness is so important, but 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:00.360 I still find so many people saying, well, he's not messaging, 0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:03.600 she's not messaging me. He's not asked me out. They've 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:06.000 not asked me out, they haven't made the first move. 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:12.080 If you're interested, make the move and observe. If the 0:16:12.160 --> 0:16:18.120 person doesn't reciprocate, move on. Make the move and move forward, 0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:22.160 or move on. If you don't make the move, you're 0:16:22.200 --> 0:16:25.720 constantly kidding yourself to figure out where this person stands 0:16:25.720 --> 0:16:29.320 with you. Right, make the move, and then you have 0:16:29.320 --> 0:16:31.600 two choices. You move forward because you like the way 0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:34.800 the other person responds or you move on. Now, we 0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:37.000 don't do that because our ego makes us think we're 0:16:37.040 --> 0:16:39.840 weak if we make the move, But actually we build 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:42.840 strength when we make the move, because we build confidence 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:47.160 in where is this going. We're now in charge of 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:50.400 our destiny because we're saying this is something I'm interested in. 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:54.000 Let me display that interest, and if the interest is 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:57.520 not reciprocated, I can move on freely. But if you're 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:01.120 just waiting, you may waste time. If you're just waiting, 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:06.200 you just spend time hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting, which just 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:12.040 drains energy and actually takes away from that relationship. Be playful, 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:16.160 but don't play mind games. Right, Be playful. It's important 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:19.919 to have fun, it's important to create joy. But the 0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:26.359 mind games destroy the authenticity of a connection. And I 0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:29.320 see too many people who don't think they're playing mind games. 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:31.320 Like You're like, I'm not playing any games. I'm just 0:17:31.760 --> 0:17:34.480 you know, I'm just making sure that they're interested in me. 0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:40.640 But it's like, let's just display how we feel as 0:17:40.640 --> 0:17:44.840 opposed to hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting. When are they going 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:46.360 to do this? When are they going to do that? 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:49.800 So much time and energy is wasted in that hope. 0:17:50.800 --> 0:17:58.080 The fourth principle is making someone feel bad does not 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:02.720 make them be good, but might make them act good. 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:07.280 Let me repeat that one. This is huge. Making someone 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:12.639 feel bad does not make them become good, but it 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:15.800 might make them act good. So I used to believe 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:18.920 that if someone wasn't responding to me, if I made 0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:22.320 them feel really bad, then that would make them change, 0:18:22.640 --> 0:18:24.520 if they felt bad about it, if I made them 0:18:24.560 --> 0:18:28.159 feel guilty, that that would make them grow. And actually 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:30.320 I realized that I actually pushed, and even with Rather, 0:18:30.520 --> 0:18:32.280 I often did this. With Rather. I would make her 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:35.720 feel guilty if I wasn't happy, and then she just 0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:38.040 didn't feel she could do anything to make me happy. 0:18:38.080 --> 0:18:41.320 So there were times when she would actually hold back 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:42.560 because she was like, well, he's not going to be 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:45.919 happy with anything, so I'll just play it safe. And 0:18:46.000 --> 0:18:47.920 to me that looked like she was putting in even 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:52.159 less effort. But I realized that making someone feel bad 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:56.120 does not make them become good, it might make them 0:18:56.280 --> 0:19:00.359 act good. Like people start pretending, People start trying to 0:19:00.400 --> 0:19:02.800 make you happy, and now you think they're being inauthentic 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:07.960 if someone's letting you down. If someone is not according 0:19:08.000 --> 0:19:10.680 to your standards or what you need or you're looking for. 0:19:11.440 --> 0:19:17.879 Communicate that without guilt. Communicate that without judgment. Communicate that 0:19:17.920 --> 0:19:21.919 without expectation. Because we don't change because of judgment, guilt, 0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:29.280 and expectation. We change because of love, clarity, and communication. Right, 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:36.439 we don't change because of judgment, guilt, and expectation. We 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:43.920 change because of clarity, openness, and communication. Remember this next 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:46.080 time you share something. Because it's so easy to try 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:48.119 and make someone feel bad, hoping that that will make 0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:52.360 them be good. But they'll just act good, they'll tiptoe 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:55.919 around you. Maybe they'll last a few more months, but 0:19:55.960 --> 0:19:58.000 it won't be satisfying. No one wants someone around them 0:19:58.040 --> 0:20:01.000 that's acting good, that's on their best behavior. We're not 0:20:01.080 --> 0:20:07.080 in school. That's a huge one principle Number five. You 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:12.200 have to learn about this person again and again and again. 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:14.119 Remember when you meet someone new and you ask some 0:20:14.240 --> 0:20:16.840 things like what's your favorite cuisine? Where would you like 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:19.080 to travel? What did you want to be when you 0:20:19.119 --> 0:20:21.479 grew up? Right, you ask these questions and you have 0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:24.960 fantastic conversations and the chemistry and this interest. And now 0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:27.719 you've been dating for a long time and you already 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:30.680 know the answer to those questions or hope maybe you do, 0:20:30.920 --> 0:20:33.960 but you stopped learning new things about the same person. 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:36.760 I was recently on a podcast with Demi Levado where 0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:38.360 she interviewed me, and I said to I don't think 0:20:38.359 --> 0:20:42.159 there's any new ideas. I think there are only deeper ones. 0:20:42.880 --> 0:20:45.959 And this approach, to me is how we have to 0:20:46.040 --> 0:20:50.800 solve relationships. You're not going to get to know a 0:20:51.040 --> 0:20:54.280 new person if you're committed to a person in love, 0:20:54.680 --> 0:20:57.480 but you can always know them deeper. And this is 0:20:57.520 --> 0:21:03.040 partly why infidelity being moving on is so attractive, because 0:21:03.040 --> 0:21:05.920 you're getting to know someone new again until they become old, 0:21:05.960 --> 0:21:08.000 and when they become old, you want to move on 0:21:08.040 --> 0:21:12.200 to someone new because we're fascinated by newness, right We're 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:16.679 addicted to newness. There's something about the new phone, the 0:21:16.840 --> 0:21:21.560 new TV show, the new season, the new outfits, the 0:21:21.720 --> 0:21:27.160 new person in their life. Newness is a natural phenomena 0:21:27.320 --> 0:21:30.840 for humans to be attracted to, and we need to 0:21:30.960 --> 0:21:33.919 use that as a trick of the mind. We have 0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:36.720 to use that. We can't ignore that. I can't tell 0:21:36.760 --> 0:21:38.800 you no, no, no, Just be fascinated with the old. 0:21:39.080 --> 0:21:41.840 Just be fascinated with what you already know, because that's 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:45.080 not how we're wired. We're wired to be attracted to 0:21:45.320 --> 0:21:49.720 new things. That's the way we're built, right, because it's 0:21:49.760 --> 0:21:52.600 what helped us adapt, it's what's kept us relevant, it's 0:21:52.600 --> 0:21:56.520 what kept us alive. So keeping something alive in our 0:21:56.560 --> 0:22:02.399 relationship means seeking the new and the depth in the old. 0:22:03.560 --> 0:22:07.399 I talk about this experience in my book Think Like 0:22:07.440 --> 0:22:09.520 a Monk, when as monks we would walk down the 0:22:09.560 --> 0:22:12.359 same path every day and we were asked to find 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:16.080 a new flower, or a new stone, or notice a 0:22:16.119 --> 0:22:19.040 new part in nature. And I'm not kidding with you. 0:22:19.160 --> 0:22:23.240 I discovered so many interesting shaped stones, discovered so many 0:22:23.720 --> 0:22:27.000 amazing flowers that I would never have noticed before, and 0:22:27.040 --> 0:22:31.000 I started to realize that the same old path could 0:22:31.000 --> 0:22:36.760 be new, beautifully extraordinary. To look for the extraordinary within 0:22:36.800 --> 0:22:41.359 the ordinary, to look for the uniqueness in the sameness, 0:22:42.000 --> 0:22:45.760 is a skill that we have to develop in our relationships. 0:22:46.280 --> 0:22:48.840 I find that I'm discovering new things about Rather all 0:22:48.840 --> 0:22:51.000 the time, and that's what makes me fall in love 0:22:51.000 --> 0:22:54.520 with her again and again and again. Right It's like 0:22:55.240 --> 0:22:58.240 I don't love Rather for the same reasons today as 0:22:58.240 --> 0:22:59.920 I did when I first met her. I'd say I 0:23:00.160 --> 0:23:03.840 love her for deeper reasons. Right, That's how love gets deeper. 0:23:03.840 --> 0:23:07.359 When you say has your love got deeper, It's got deeper, 0:23:07.400 --> 0:23:09.680 not because of more time. It's not got deeper because 0:23:09.680 --> 0:23:13.200 of more years. It's got deeper because I love her 0:23:13.720 --> 0:23:19.439 for more depth about her. Right, I've learned newer things. 0:23:19.520 --> 0:23:22.880 I've learned deeper things about her that make me fall 0:23:22.880 --> 0:23:27.959 in love with her more. Now, this is number six. 0:23:29.080 --> 0:23:32.159 This is a very practical thing. Up to until now, 0:23:32.520 --> 0:23:35.360 I've been talking about mindset shifts and changes, but this 0:23:35.400 --> 0:23:39.439 is a really practical one. Work on a relationship priority 0:23:39.480 --> 0:23:42.800 together every month. So you may say this month, we're 0:23:42.840 --> 0:23:45.679 working on our communication. We're going to try and be 0:23:45.800 --> 0:23:49.080 kind and empathetic. You may say this month we're going 0:23:49.119 --> 0:23:50.840 to try and work on our routine. We're going to 0:23:50.880 --> 0:23:52.760 try and go to sleep in bed at the same 0:23:52.800 --> 0:23:55.800 time because we want to spend that time together. This month, 0:23:56.040 --> 0:23:59.440 we're focusing on date night. So what you start doing 0:23:59.520 --> 0:24:02.520 is you all create a plan and a priority for 0:24:02.680 --> 0:24:04.560 your relationship rather than trying to do all of them. 0:24:04.560 --> 0:24:06.760 Most of the time, we're like, okay, this, we've gotta 0:24:06.760 --> 0:24:08.160 do date now this week, And we got to connect, 0:24:08.160 --> 0:24:09.600 and we got to communicate, and I'm going to spend 0:24:09.640 --> 0:24:11.240 time with our friends, and we're going to host dinners. 0:24:12.000 --> 0:24:17.120 No one thing per month, twelve things a year. This 0:24:17.200 --> 0:24:20.840 month we're focused on our finances. This month, we're focused 0:24:20.880 --> 0:24:24.000 on our personal growth. I mean personal growths always. This 0:24:24.040 --> 0:24:27.720 month we're focused on understanding new things about each other. 0:24:27.800 --> 0:24:31.240 This month we're focused on trying new experiences together. Take 0:24:31.280 --> 0:24:33.919 on a project every month like you do at work. 0:24:34.440 --> 0:24:36.480 I promise you if you approach it in that way, 0:24:36.560 --> 0:24:39.080