1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:03,200 Speaker 1: You're going to meet someone, and that someone is going 2 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:06,480 Speaker 1: to come with all their flaws, their baggage that challenges 3 00:00:06,519 --> 00:00:08,840 Speaker 1: their trauma. But it is up to you and that 4 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:12,400 Speaker 1: person to figure out whether you're willing to do that 5 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: work in order to make that person a soul, in 6 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 1: order to make that person the one. Hey, everyone, welcome 7 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,880 Speaker 1: back to on Purpose, the number one health podcast in 8 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,199 Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you 9 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn and grow Now. 10 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:44,320 Speaker 1: January was our biggest month of all time listens on 11 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,920 Speaker 1: the podcast, thanks to each and every one of you. 12 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:51,480 Speaker 1: It's amazing. We were literally at number five in the US, 13 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 1: always in the top ten to fifteen in the whole 14 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: world across categories. And that's because of each and every 15 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: single one of you that keep coming back. And it 16 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: means the world to me that we're only growing, we're 17 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,560 Speaker 1: only meeting more people, we're only connecting with more of you, 18 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,920 Speaker 1: and you're sharing it, and you're spreading this and you're 19 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: passing it on to your friends. And this week I 20 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 1: bumped into a few of you at a premiere and 21 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 1: I was just blown away by just a love and 22 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: the genuineness. If you ever see me anywhere. Please please 23 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,920 Speaker 1: please come and say hello, Please come and give me 24 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 1: a big hug. I mean on purpose at this point 25 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,040 Speaker 1: is family is community, and so thank you to each 26 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:33,240 Speaker 1: and every single one of you. Now Monday is Valentine's Day. 27 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,040 Speaker 1: I had to do an episode dedicated to love, and 28 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,920 Speaker 1: today's episode is about the eleven principles I've learned about 29 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 1: love for twenty twenty two. These are new principles ideas 30 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 1: that I've been grappling with, things I've been thinking about. 31 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 1: And if you're someone who's been working on your relationship recently, 32 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 1: if you're someone who's looking for love this year, if 33 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: you're someone who's coming out of a breakup or coming 34 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 1: out of a tough situation, I definitely want you to 35 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 1: listen to this episode and pass it on to a 36 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 1: friend who may actually need some of the insight and 37 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 1: advice that's inside this particular session. So let's get going 38 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:20,040 Speaker 1: right away now. Recently I was doing a few interviews 39 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 1: sharing my exciting new partnership and collaboration with Calm. I've 40 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 1: joined as the chief Purpose Officer. I'm an equity owner. 41 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:31,639 Speaker 1: I'm guiding the company from a chief purpose officer point 42 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 1: of view. And I was doing some interviews with people 43 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: that had connected with digitally over the pandemic but never met, 44 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,119 Speaker 1: and one of those people was Drew Barrymore. Now, Drew 45 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: Barrymore is an absolute dream. She was amazing. Her energy 46 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: in person was even more incredible than it's been over 47 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: messaging and texting and dming, and I'm so grateful that 48 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,240 Speaker 1: I finally got to meet her. And I went on 49 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 1: her show in New York and in the show, they 50 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 1: do this segment where they react to news headlines. So 51 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 1: they'll take headlines from the news and then me and 52 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,919 Speaker 1: her and everyone else we have to react to these 53 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 1: new headlines. Now, one of the news headlines really got 54 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:18,639 Speaker 1: me thinking. The headline was our soulmates real? Right, our 55 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: soulmates Real? And the first thing that came to my mind, 56 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: which I said in the interview, was that I believe 57 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 1: that a soulmate is a mate that helps you find 58 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,280 Speaker 1: your soul. And therefore, I think we have lots of 59 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: soulmates at different times in our life that directly or 60 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:44,760 Speaker 1: indirectly help us find parts of our soul. And this 61 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,960 Speaker 1: really got me thinking about this concept of soulmate and 62 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 1: where it comes from. Now, I was reading a great 63 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 1: article which was looking at Marist Pole, and it was 64 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:05,040 Speaker 1: saying that seven three percent of Americans believe in soulmates, 65 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 1: and more men than women believe that they're destined to 66 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: find their one true soulmate. Males seventy four percent and 67 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: female seventy one percent, and seventy nine percent of people 68 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:21,520 Speaker 1: younger than forty five believe in soulmates, while only sixty 69 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:25,039 Speaker 1: nine percent of those over forty five do. Now, I 70 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,840 Speaker 1: don't know if this is surprising to you. I don't 71 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: know if you look at it and go, yeah, that 72 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 1: makes sense, that's exactly what I think. Because the reason 73 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,479 Speaker 1: I thought that was fascinating. So I realized that it's 74 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:39,599 Speaker 1: a really popular concept to believe in soulmates, to believe 75 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 1: that there is someone ideally suited to you as a 76 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 1: romantic partner. And I think that that idea, like many ideas, 77 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:54,160 Speaker 1: has certain positives, but it also has certain negatives. It 78 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 1: has pros and cons, and in this episode, I want 79 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:01,200 Speaker 1: to dissect that as I share with you these eleven principles. 80 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,920 Speaker 1: When I look at this through the lens of wisdom, 81 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,760 Speaker 1: one of the things that's fascinating to me is that 82 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: in traditions, especially Eastern traditions that value the role of 83 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 1: karma and reincarnation, the idea that we have multiple lives, 84 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 1: and therefore, throughout those multiple lives, we may re meet 85 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 1: and reconnect with several people that we've connected within the 86 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:30,200 Speaker 1: past for the benefit of transformation, purification, and growth. If 87 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,960 Speaker 1: we don't learn a lesson, learn a principle, we're often 88 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 1: brought into similar scenarios or settings where we can reconnect 89 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:43,720 Speaker 1: with that meaning, with that lesson, with that growth. Soulmates 90 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,160 Speaker 1: in that sense are people that are connected to us 91 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: throughout our lifetimes that keep reoccurring for us to learn 92 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 1: certain principles, for us to have certain growth periods, for 93 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,600 Speaker 1: us to go on certain journeys. But I think today 94 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,479 Speaker 1: we've over simple fid The version of a soulmate is 95 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,920 Speaker 1: just being this perfect person that exists just for us. 96 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: And while it is true that you can construct and 97 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:15,279 Speaker 1: build and grow a relationship, to believe that there is 98 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,280 Speaker 1: only one person who is already this is where my 99 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,919 Speaker 1: challenge with this idea comes from, is that we believe 100 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,600 Speaker 1: that there is someone already ideally suited. I believe that 101 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 1: there are people who are ideally suited to work with 102 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:31,160 Speaker 1: to grow with, but to believe that there is already 103 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 1: someone ideally suited with no work. That's where I struggle 104 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: with the concept. So when I share these ideas today, 105 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,679 Speaker 1: what they really are is you're going to meet someone, 106 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 1: and that someone is going to come with all their flaws, 107 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 1: their baggage, there challenges, their trauma. But it is up 108 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,560 Speaker 1: to you and that person to figure out whether you're 109 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 1: willing to do that work in order to make that 110 00:06:56,839 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 1: person a soulmate, in order to make that person the one. 111 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,280 Speaker 1: So this is really about that part of the journey, 112 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: because that's often the part of the journey that we 113 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:12,880 Speaker 1: want to miss. The first one is a relationship only 114 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,920 Speaker 1: works if both people are working on it. Now, that 115 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're working on it at the same time, 116 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,840 Speaker 1: but both people have to sign up to work for 117 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: the relationship. Now, it's important that when I say this 118 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 1: that you notice people work for the relationship in different ways. 119 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: Not everyone is working on it in the same way 120 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: as you. For example, you may be someone who's turning 121 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,480 Speaker 1: up and solving problems, putting out fires for the relationship. 122 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: The other person might be preparing, planning, scheduling. So notice 123 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 1: how you're both prioritizing the relationship, but one is preparing 124 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 1: for challenges, preparing for scenarios, and the other one is 125 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: putting out fires. Which one is more important? I mean, 126 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 1: that's just a subjective debate. The truth is that both 127 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: people are working on the relationship, but they're working on 128 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 1: it in different ways. And this is often our mistake 129 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,960 Speaker 1: as humans is that we're looking for people to work 130 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 1: on things the way we work on them, and when 131 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: they don't work on things the way we work on them, 132 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:25,120 Speaker 1: we think they're not working right. Imagine you just bought 133 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 1: a new piece of furniture from Ikea or Ikea, I 134 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 1: don't know how you say it. Here in the UK 135 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,440 Speaker 1: we say Ikea. And you're putting this piece of furniture together, 136 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:38,599 Speaker 1: and one of you is going through all the instructions. 137 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:42,040 Speaker 1: One of you is putting it all together, etc. But 138 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: the other person's not doing that. But they put the 139 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 1: order in, they went and picked it up. They are 140 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 1: someone who's planning the next thing for the next room. Now, 141 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 1: the person who's actually putting it together may feel like 142 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,120 Speaker 1: they're doing all the work, but the other person's also 143 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: working on a different part a different way. So when 144 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,720 Speaker 1: you ask yourself the question are we both working on 145 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: this relationship? Take a moment to notice how someone's working, 146 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,480 Speaker 1: because often when people are not working like us, we 147 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 1: feel they're not working at all. And that is one 148 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships, where we 149 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,880 Speaker 1: say where you're not working on this relationship, you're not 150 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:26,160 Speaker 1: helping build this relationship, You're not constructive in this relationship. 151 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 1: But actually they are just in a different way. Everyone 152 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,080 Speaker 1: brings something different to a relationship, and that's what makes 153 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:39,040 Speaker 1: it special. That's really truly what makes it special. I 154 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 1: want to share with you the biggest news of the year. 155 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: How many of you want to meditate? I can see 156 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,600 Speaker 1: your head's nodding, I can see you raising your hands. 157 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,959 Speaker 1: I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want 158 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 1: to learn to meditate. How many of you would like 159 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now, 160 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: I already know what the answer is because I know 161 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay, 162 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took 163 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:13,480 Speaker 1: meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days 164 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I 165 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:22,320 Speaker 1: am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm. 166 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,280 Speaker 1: I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series 167 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,280 Speaker 1: called The Daily Ja where you can meditate with me 168 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 1: every single day for seven minutes to make it a 169 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: real habit. I would love for you to come and 170 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,560 Speaker 1: join me and take part in building a really powerful 171 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:43,079 Speaker 1: meditation practice. And guess what, we're going to do it together? 172 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:46,400 Speaker 1: Head over right now Tocalm dot com Forward slash j 173 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:50,080 Speaker 1: to get forty percent off a premium membership. That's Calm 174 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash J. I had this beautiful opportunity 175 00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: this week. I was contacted by Jennifer Opez, who of 176 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 1: course we've had on the podcast before and her team 177 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,240 Speaker 1: and they asked me to be a part of her 178 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: special on NBC for the movie Marry Me. So their 179 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: movies or some I just went to the premiere, who's 180 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: absolutely fantastic. I love a feel good rom com, I 181 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: genuinely do. I have a long list of my favorites, 182 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,439 Speaker 1: everything from how to Lose a Guy in ten Days 183 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: He's just not that into you to think like a man, 184 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,360 Speaker 1: and the list goes on and Raddy and I absolutely 185 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 1: love rom coms and we're always like why can't we 186 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,600 Speaker 1: have more rom combs in the world. So, you know, 187 00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:34,800 Speaker 1: I loved watching the movie Marry Me. But along with that, 188 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 1: because she wrote and sang the whole soundtrack, she launched 189 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 1: a special premiere, which is a music concert with her 190 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 1: and Maluma for NBC, and on that she asked me 191 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,640 Speaker 1: to speak about love and also to officiate the weddings 192 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,880 Speaker 1: of four people as part of the special. Now, these 193 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 1: four people's stories brought tears to my eyes and literally 194 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,200 Speaker 1: all of us as we were officiing this wedding, we 195 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 1: were all into because one of the couples they've been 196 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:05,959 Speaker 1: together for fifty years and they were renewing their vows 197 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,720 Speaker 1: and I was just blown away. I mean, I'm inspired 198 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 1: by them. And then another couple, one of them had 199 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,360 Speaker 1: asked the man had asked the woman now in the 200 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,800 Speaker 1: relationship when they were eleven years old, and she said 201 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: no because she thought they were too young. And now 202 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:23,079 Speaker 1: eleven years ago they got engaged and now they got married. 203 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 1: And there was another couple, Matt and Bruno, who asked 204 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: me if they could exchange rings, and I was just like, look, 205 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,240 Speaker 1: this is your wedding. I wanted you to have the 206 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:33,439 Speaker 1: most special wedding. Why am I sharing all these examples 207 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,720 Speaker 1: with you, because I've been immersed in love this week, 208 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,719 Speaker 1: and as I was speaking about love that day, I 209 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,800 Speaker 1: spoke about love based on this second principle that relationships 210 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 1: are a classroom, not a candy shop. This is a 211 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 1: really interesting mindset shift that the commitment we're making when 212 00:12:55,040 --> 00:13:00,120 Speaker 1: we commit to love is to choose love over ego, 213 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 1: to choose love over challenges, to choose love over everything. 214 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,920 Speaker 1: That's the commitment you're making is can you choose love? 215 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: And relationships are a classroom for love, not a candy shop, 216 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:19,680 Speaker 1: because a candy shop means I just want to have fun. 217 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:23,440 Speaker 1: I just want pleasure. And if you view your relationship 218 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 1: as just another way to get pleasure, you may be 219 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: very dissatisfied or discontent because that seeking for pleasure is 220 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,720 Speaker 1: dissatisfying in and of itself, because now you just seek 221 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:45,000 Speaker 1: more pleasure, and more pleasure and more pleasure. The pursuit 222 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: of pleasure is a never ending pursuit, and relationships are 223 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:56,559 Speaker 1: actually designed for purification, for unlocking your potential, for helping 224 00:13:56,559 --> 00:14:00,440 Speaker 1: you discover your purpose, much more powerful or ground breaking 225 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,719 Speaker 1: beautiful things. But we're like, just make me happy, give 226 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,440 Speaker 1: me pleasure, Give me pleasure. And when you walk in 227 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,560 Speaker 1: and say give me pleasure, that person now has to 228 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,520 Speaker 1: be like a candy shop where they just keep trying 229 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:13,679 Speaker 1: to give you pleasure, but you don't work on deeper aspects. 230 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,959 Speaker 1: So why are relationships about a classroom? Because they're purifying. 231 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: Relationships purify you of all your negative intentions, of all 232 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,760 Speaker 1: your selfish desires. Because you have to think about someone else, 233 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,080 Speaker 1: you have to work on yourself. It's forcing you to 234 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:33,640 Speaker 1: grow up. It's forcing you to take responsibility. You've been 235 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: dodging and avoiding responsibility. All of a sudden, you have 236 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:39,160 Speaker 1: someone in your life and you really really have to 237 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,040 Speaker 1: show up. You really have to show up. The second 238 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 1: reason that it's about potential is because relationships help you 239 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 1: realize things about yourself that you didn't even know. Relationships 240 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,520 Speaker 1: help you learn lessons that you would never learn. Because 241 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 1: now you're spending so much deep intimate time with someone, 242 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: your flaws come out, your mistakes come out. Those would 243 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,479 Speaker 1: never come out if you're on your own. And finally, 244 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 1: they're also about purpose because you get the opportunity to 245 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 1: share this journey with someone. But all of this is 246 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 1: only unlocked when we don't just seek pleasure. We have 247 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,440 Speaker 1: to seek more than pleasure from a relationship for it 248 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,560 Speaker 1: to be pleasurable. How fascinating is that concept? Right, just 249 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,760 Speaker 1: wrap your head around that for a second. When you 250 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 1: seek pleasure, it almost runs away from you. When you 251 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 1: seek purpose, when you seek potential, when you seek purification, 252 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:39,080 Speaker 1: pleasure comes towards you. Because pleasure is a byproduct of 253 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 1: putting in the work. It is not meant to be 254 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,200 Speaker 1: a pursuit in and of itself, and that is where 255 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:51,720 Speaker 1: we go wrong. Now, the third principle is be playful, 256 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 1: but don't play mind games. Playfulness is so important, but 257 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,360 Speaker 1: I still find so many people saying, well, he's not messaging, 258 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: she's not messaging me. He's not asked me out. They've 259 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,000 Speaker 1: not asked me out, they haven't made the first move. 260 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: If you're interested, make the move and observe. If the 261 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 1: person doesn't reciprocate, move on. Make the move and move forward, 262 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 1: or move on. If you don't make the move, you're 263 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 1: constantly kidding yourself to figure out where this person stands 264 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: with you. Right, make the move, and then you have 265 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 1: two choices. You move forward because you like the way 266 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,800 Speaker 1: the other person responds or you move on. Now, we 267 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: don't do that because our ego makes us think we're 268 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 1: weak if we make the move, But actually we build 269 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,840 Speaker 1: strength when we make the move, because we build confidence 270 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: in where is this going. We're now in charge of 271 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 1: our destiny because we're saying this is something I'm interested in. 272 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 1: Let me display that interest, and if the interest is 273 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 1: not reciprocated, I can move on freely. But if you're 274 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:01,120 Speaker 1: just waiting, you may waste time. If you're just waiting, 275 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:06,200 Speaker 1: you just spend time hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting, which just 276 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 1: drains energy and actually takes away from that relationship. Be playful, 277 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 1: but don't play mind games. Right, Be playful. It's important 278 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,919 Speaker 1: to have fun, it's important to create joy. But the 279 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:26,359 Speaker 1: mind games destroy the authenticity of a connection. And I 280 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:29,320 Speaker 1: see too many people who don't think they're playing mind games. 281 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:31,320 Speaker 1: Like You're like, I'm not playing any games. I'm just 282 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 1: you know, I'm just making sure that they're interested in me. 283 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:40,640 Speaker 1: But it's like, let's just display how we feel as 284 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,840 Speaker 1: opposed to hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting. When are they going 285 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,360 Speaker 1: to do this? When are they going to do that? 286 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: So much time and energy is wasted in that hope. 287 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:58,080 Speaker 1: The fourth principle is making someone feel bad does not 288 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: make them be good, but might make them act good. 289 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:07,280 Speaker 1: Let me repeat that one. This is huge. Making someone 290 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 1: feel bad does not make them become good, but it 291 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: might make them act good. So I used to believe 292 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,920 Speaker 1: that if someone wasn't responding to me, if I made 293 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,320 Speaker 1: them feel really bad, then that would make them change, 294 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,520 Speaker 1: if they felt bad about it, if I made them 295 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:28,159 Speaker 1: feel guilty, that that would make them grow. And actually 296 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,320 Speaker 1: I realized that I actually pushed, and even with Rather, 297 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: I often did this. With Rather. I would make her 298 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: feel guilty if I wasn't happy, and then she just 299 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 1: didn't feel she could do anything to make me happy. 300 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,320 Speaker 1: So there were times when she would actually hold back 301 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:42,560 Speaker 1: because she was like, well, he's not going to be 302 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,919 Speaker 1: happy with anything, so I'll just play it safe. And 303 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,920 Speaker 1: to me that looked like she was putting in even 304 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:52,159 Speaker 1: less effort. But I realized that making someone feel bad 305 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,120 Speaker 1: does not make them become good, it might make them 306 00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:00,359 Speaker 1: act good. Like people start pretending, People start trying to 307 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,800 Speaker 1: make you happy, and now you think they're being inauthentic 308 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: if someone's letting you down. If someone is not according 309 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,680 Speaker 1: to your standards or what you need or you're looking for. 310 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: Communicate that without guilt. Communicate that without judgment. Communicate that 311 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:21,919 Speaker 1: without expectation. Because we don't change because of judgment, guilt, 312 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:29,280 Speaker 1: and expectation. We change because of love, clarity, and communication. Right, 313 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:36,439 Speaker 1: we don't change because of judgment, guilt, and expectation. We 314 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:43,920 Speaker 1: change because of clarity, openness, and communication. Remember this next 315 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,080 Speaker 1: time you share something. Because it's so easy to try 316 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,119 Speaker 1: and make someone feel bad, hoping that that will make 317 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:52,360 Speaker 1: them be good. But they'll just act good, they'll tiptoe 318 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,919 Speaker 1: around you. Maybe they'll last a few more months, but 319 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,000 Speaker 1: it won't be satisfying. No one wants someone around them 320 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 1: that's acting good, that's on their best behavior. We're not 321 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: in school. That's a huge one principle Number five. You 322 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: have to learn about this person again and again and again. 323 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,119 Speaker 1: Remember when you meet someone new and you ask some 324 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,840 Speaker 1: things like what's your favorite cuisine? Where would you like 325 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: to travel? What did you want to be when you 326 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,479 Speaker 1: grew up? Right, you ask these questions and you have 327 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,960 Speaker 1: fantastic conversations and the chemistry and this interest. And now 328 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,719 Speaker 1: you've been dating for a long time and you already 329 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,680 Speaker 1: know the answer to those questions or hope maybe you do, 330 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: but you stopped learning new things about the same person. 331 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,760 Speaker 1: I was recently on a podcast with Demi Levado where 332 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,360 Speaker 1: she interviewed me, and I said to I don't think 333 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:42,159 Speaker 1: there's any new ideas. I think there are only deeper ones. 334 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,959 Speaker 1: And this approach, to me is how we have to 335 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:50,800 Speaker 1: solve relationships. You're not going to get to know a 336 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: new person if you're committed to a person in love, 337 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,480 Speaker 1: but you can always know them deeper. And this is 338 00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 1: partly why infidelity being moving on is so attractive, because 339 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,920 Speaker 1: you're getting to know someone new again until they become old, 340 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 1: and when they become old, you want to move on 341 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,200 Speaker 1: to someone new because we're fascinated by newness, right We're 342 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:16,679 Speaker 1: addicted to newness. There's something about the new phone, the 343 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 1: new TV show, the new season, the new outfits, the 344 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:27,160 Speaker 1: new person in their life. Newness is a natural phenomena 345 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: for humans to be attracted to, and we need to 346 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,919 Speaker 1: use that as a trick of the mind. We have 347 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 1: to use that. We can't ignore that. I can't tell 348 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,800 Speaker 1: you no, no, no, Just be fascinated with the old. 349 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: Just be fascinated with what you already know, because that's 350 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,080 Speaker 1: not how we're wired. We're wired to be attracted to 351 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:49,720 Speaker 1: new things. That's the way we're built, right, because it's 352 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: what helped us adapt, it's what's kept us relevant, it's 353 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,520 Speaker 1: what kept us alive. So keeping something alive in our 354 00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:02,399 Speaker 1: relationship means seeking the new and the depth in the old. 355 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,399 Speaker 1: I talk about this experience in my book Think Like 356 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 1: a Monk, when as monks we would walk down the 357 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,359 Speaker 1: same path every day and we were asked to find 358 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,080 Speaker 1: a new flower, or a new stone, or notice a 359 00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 1: new part in nature. And I'm not kidding with you. 360 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: I discovered so many interesting shaped stones, discovered so many 361 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,000 Speaker 1: amazing flowers that I would never have noticed before, and 362 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:31,000 Speaker 1: I started to realize that the same old path could 363 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:36,760 Speaker 1: be new, beautifully extraordinary. To look for the extraordinary within 364 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:41,359 Speaker 1: the ordinary, to look for the uniqueness in the sameness, 365 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 1: is a skill that we have to develop in our relationships. 366 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 1: I find that I'm discovering new things about Rather all 367 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 1: the time, and that's what makes me fall in love 368 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 1: with her again and again and again. Right It's like 369 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,240 Speaker 1: I don't love Rather for the same reasons today as 370 00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: I did when I first met her. I'd say I 371 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,840 Speaker 1: love her for deeper reasons. Right, That's how love gets deeper. 372 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:07,359 Speaker 1: When you say has your love got deeper, It's got deeper, 373 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,680 Speaker 1: not because of more time. It's not got deeper because 374 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: of more years. It's got deeper because I love her 375 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:19,439 Speaker 1: for more depth about her. Right, I've learned newer things. 376 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,880 Speaker 1: I've learned deeper things about her that make me fall 377 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:27,959 Speaker 1: in love with her more. Now, this is number six. 378 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:32,159 Speaker 1: This is a very practical thing. Up to until now, 379 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:35,360 Speaker 1: I've been talking about mindset shifts and changes, but this 380 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:39,439 Speaker 1: is a really practical one. Work on a relationship priority 381 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,800 Speaker 1: together every month. So you may say this month, we're 382 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,679 Speaker 1: working on our communication. We're going to try and be 383 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 1: kind and empathetic. You may say this month we're going 384 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:50,840 Speaker 1: to try and work on our routine. We're going to 385 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: try and go to sleep in bed at the same 386 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,800 Speaker 1: time because we want to spend that time together. This month, 387 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,440 Speaker 1: we're focusing on date night. So what you start doing 388 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,520 Speaker 1: is you all create a plan and a priority for 389 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,560 Speaker 1: your relationship rather than trying to do all of them. 390 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,760 Speaker 1: Most of the time, we're like, okay, this, we've gotta 391 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,160 Speaker 1: do date now this week, And we got to connect, 392 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,600 Speaker 1: and we got to communicate, and I'm going to spend 393 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,240 Speaker 1: time with our friends, and we're going to host dinners. 394 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:17,120 Speaker 1: No one thing per month, twelve things a year. This 395 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 1: month we're focused on our finances. This month, we're focused 396 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,000 Speaker 1: on our personal growth. I mean personal growths always. This 397 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,720 Speaker 1: month we're focused on understanding new things about each other. 398 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,240 Speaker 1: This month we're focused on trying new experiences together. Take 399 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,919 Speaker 1: on a project every month like you do at work. 400 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 1: I promise you if you approach it in that way, 401 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,080 Speaker 1: you plan your four weekends out, you've got four events 402 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:41,520 Speaker 1: to plan, to focus on it that month, to break 403 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,879 Speaker 1: it down that way, and you will notice that that priority, 404 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,239 Speaker 1: that project, that plan creates so much excitement. So this 405 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,720 Speaker 1: is the month we're focusing on our communication. All we're 406 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,679 Speaker 1: trying to do is be kinder when we communicate. What 407 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,919 Speaker 1: a beautiful thing to focus on. One of the things 408 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,679 Speaker 1: that I've loved about relationships is when you're working on 409 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: something together, because then you feel you're growing together rather 410 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:10,960 Speaker 1: than being in the same place. The next one is 411 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:16,640 Speaker 1: any recurring issues, solve them for the long term. If 412 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,159 Speaker 1: you and your partner keep messing up on something, stop 413 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,679 Speaker 1: trying to solve it in the same way together. You 414 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,160 Speaker 1: may need to outsource it, you may need to bring 415 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,040 Speaker 1: someone in, You may need to invest a little bit 416 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: together to get rid of it. Like if something keeps 417 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,159 Speaker 1: going wrong, you need to figure out a way of 418 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,280 Speaker 1: dealing with it so both of you are not having 419 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,640 Speaker 1: to deal with it, and there are lots of simple 420 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,080 Speaker 1: adjustments you can make to make that change. Happens if 421 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 1: you see a recurring issue, figure out a way to 422 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,560 Speaker 1: create a long term solution, because obviously both of you 423 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,240 Speaker 1: are not able to do it now. What happens is 424 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:55,879 Speaker 1: that those things often amplify and become huge. The next 425 00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 1: one is prepare your partner for your mood swings. We 426 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,679 Speaker 1: all know when we're gonna have a tough week. We 427 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,480 Speaker 1: all know when we're going to be unreachable, but we're 428 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:10,280 Speaker 1: carrying the guilt and instead of explaining it, we just 429 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,719 Speaker 1: hope we're going to be good. I'll always tell rather 430 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,560 Speaker 1: rather I've got a really busy week coming up. I'm 431 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,480 Speaker 1: going to be really like stressed, and I've got a 432 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,119 Speaker 1: lot of pressure on, So just be mindful when you 433 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:20,880 Speaker 1: check in with me. Just know that that's where I'm 434 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 1: coming from, right or like Hey, if you message me today, 435 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,120 Speaker 1: just know that I'm in meetings and so my messages 436 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,600 Speaker 1: may be short. This is a really good technique for 437 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,840 Speaker 1: your own self as well, because you start cutting yourself 438 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,679 Speaker 1: some slack because you're like, all right, I know I'm 439 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,840 Speaker 1: going to feel this way, and if I inform my 440 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:41,520 Speaker 1: partner now we both know, and I've prepared my partner 441 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,320 Speaker 1: for my mood swings, rather than them being surprised and 442 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,600 Speaker 1: thinking it's about them, rather than me being surprised and 443 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: trying to hold it all together. Sometimes we're like, oh 444 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 1: my god, I'm just trying to be the most perfect 445 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,879 Speaker 1: person even I'm dealing with all this pressure. Rather than 446 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,720 Speaker 1: just saying top on it. Hey, I'm under pressure, and 447 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,679 Speaker 1: I may communicate this way, and I just want you 448 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:00,600 Speaker 1: to be aware that it's not about you. I'm working 449 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,919 Speaker 1: on it and I'm figuring it out. Prepare your partner 450 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,480 Speaker 1: for your mood swings. Next one, don't make them work 451 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,640 Speaker 1: through your trauma. Work on it yourself, and be patient 452 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,320 Speaker 1: as they do theirs your trauma and your challenges. They 453 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:16,960 Speaker 1: can support you, they can be patient, but it is 454 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,520 Speaker 1: you who has to work through it. And often we're 455 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,240 Speaker 1: like my partner's not doing this. My partner's not doing that, 456 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,840 Speaker 1: And usually it's because we're not doing it, we're not 457 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 1: making the time for it, and that guilt is rubbing 458 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 1: off onto our partners. So yes, our partner is going 459 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,680 Speaker 1: to be patient with us, stay through the pain. But 460 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:39,159 Speaker 1: it's so important for you to do that work on yourself, 461 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,720 Speaker 1: and that's why you're here. That's where you're listening to 462 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 1: on Purpose, right And we've got so many more exciting therapists, coaches, experts, 463 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: academics coming on to the show this year that I 464 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,520 Speaker 1: cannot wait to share with you. The next one is 465 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 1: focus on how you can compliment, not compete, or complete 466 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:01,000 Speaker 1: your partner. A lot of couples end up competing. Competition 467 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,919 Speaker 1: means there's a winner and a loser. A lot of 468 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:07,040 Speaker 1: couples trying to complete each other. We're trying to be perfect. 469 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:13,679 Speaker 1: It doesn't exist compliment both in words, but compliment in 470 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,639 Speaker 1: what you bring. When you compete, you're trying to be 471 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 1: the same person. When you complete, you're trying to be everything. 472 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 1: When you compliment, you're trying to be You think about 473 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:30,760 Speaker 1: that for a second. Complimenting means noticing the beauty your 474 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 1: relationship and your partner brings. Noticing the beauty you bring, 475 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,560 Speaker 1: not trying to be perfect and not trying to win. 476 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,720 Speaker 1: And the final one is recognize what they bring to 477 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 1: the relationship, not just what they take. Take a moment 478 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,720 Speaker 1: today to notice what this person brings to the relationship, 479 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,560 Speaker 1: what they do for you, and tell them they probably 480 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,840 Speaker 1: don't hear it enough. I'm so grateful you. Listen to 481 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,200 Speaker 1: today's episode. Thank you so much for diving in. Tag 482 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,920 Speaker 1: me and let me know which is the best one 483 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: for you, which is the one that's going to have 484 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,160 Speaker 1: the most impact, And I'll see you again next week. 485 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 1: Have a great one. We're adding something new this year. 486 00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:13,640 Speaker 1: I'm calling them calm moments. I'm going to give you 487 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 1: special access to an episode of The Daily J. The 488 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:22,080 Speaker 1: Daily J is a seven minute daily meditation habit that's 489 00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:25,160 Speaker 1: on Calm. I'm giving you a sneak peek into what 490 00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,600 Speaker 1: you'll experience if you come over and get forty percent 491 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:32,200 Speaker 1: off a premium membership at Calm dot com Forward slash J. 492 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,120 Speaker 1: I can't wait for you to experience this calm moment. 493 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:39,720 Speaker 1: Let's do it now. Today's goal is to get back 494 00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:42,920 Speaker 1: in touch with the most essential thing in the world. Now, 495 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,280 Speaker 1: I'm not talking about your Instagram account. I'm talking about 496 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:53,480 Speaker 1: Inhales and Excels, breathing life. These next seven minutes are 497 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,040 Speaker 1: about you, your breath, and how it can be used 498 00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:02,040 Speaker 1: to manage your emotions. I'm Jay Jadie. Welcome to the 499 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:08,000 Speaker 1: Daily Jay, and let's begin with that breath. Let's get centered. 500 00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:16,800 Speaker 1: Big breath in and a big breath out. How about 501 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:23,360 Speaker 1: going even a little bigger this time in and out? 502 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:34,840 Speaker 1: One more and out we go. The breath is the 503 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:38,520 Speaker 1: foundation of life, Yet how often do we take it 504 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:42,880 Speaker 1: for granted, going about our days, forgetting that everything we 505 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:46,680 Speaker 1: do is possible because our body just continues to breathe. 506 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:50,560 Speaker 1: There's actually a way to be mindful of your breath, 507 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 1: to think about it differently, that can transform your life. 508 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,280 Speaker 1: It's something I learned on my very first day of 509 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,640 Speaker 1: monks school. I was kind of in between my old 510 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,400 Speaker 1: life and my new one. I was in an ushroom 511 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 1: in Mumbai, committed to becoming a monk, but I hadn't 512 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: yet started down the path. I shaved my head, but 513 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,239 Speaker 1: I wasn't yet wearing my robes. I felt like a 514 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,000 Speaker 1: fish out of water. I'm sure I looked like a 515 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,920 Speaker 1: fish out of water. But this was where I wanted 516 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:25,640 Speaker 1: to be, and my curiosity outweighed my anxiety. So I 517 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,200 Speaker 1: was wandering down the long hallway of the main building, 518 00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,760 Speaker 1: past classrooms on either side, and I came across a 519 00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:36,480 Speaker 1: child monk teaching a group of younger kids. It was incredible. 520 00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:39,160 Speaker 1: He must have been like ten years old and his 521 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:43,120 Speaker 1: students were like five. I observed them for a while 522 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,880 Speaker 1: from a distance, and I noticed that the teacher had 523 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:50,760 Speaker 1: this incredible aura about him, a sense of poise and 524 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:55,160 Speaker 1: confidence way beyond his years. When the class was over, 525 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,520 Speaker 1: I went up to him and asked what he had 526 00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 1: just taught his students. Turns out it was their first 527 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:05,160 Speaker 1: class ever. He explained that the first thing they had 528 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 1: taught is how to breathe, because that's the only thing 529 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,560 Speaker 1: that stays with you from the moment you're born till 530 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:18,160 Speaker 1: the moment you die. All your friends, your family, the 531 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:22,680 Speaker 1: country you live in, all of that can change. The 532 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:27,240 Speaker 1: one thing that stays with you is your breath. It's 533 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 1: also an indicator of your emotional state. When you get stressed, 534 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:37,600 Speaker 1: what changes your breath? When you get angry, what changes 535 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:43,080 Speaker 1: your breath? As he told it, we experience every emotion 536 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 1: with the change of the breath. When you learn to 537 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:53,240 Speaker 1: manage your breath, you can navigate any situation in life. Wow, 538 00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:58,280 Speaker 1: I was mind blown. I had meditated before, and I 539 00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:00,840 Speaker 1: had some vague understanding of the hour of the breath, 540 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:05,800 Speaker 1: but I had never heard it articulated like that. How 541 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:09,640 Speaker 1: often do we get worked up losing ourselves in spirals 542 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: of negative thoughts or emotions? How often do we spring 543 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:18,640 Speaker 1: into action or really reaction without any idea of our 544 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,840 Speaker 1: end goal? How often do we say things we don't 545 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:29,200 Speaker 1: want to say or do things we don't want to do. Fortunately, 546 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:33,120 Speaker 1: a few deep, mindful breaths can always help reset your 547 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:37,440 Speaker 1: system and regulate your fight or flight response, allowing you 548 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:42,760 Speaker 1: to make decisions with more composure and clarity. And with 549 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:46,480 Speaker 1: our final couple of minutes together, let's put these lessons 550 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: into practice. Let's breathe so get comfortable wherever you are, 551 00:33:56,320 --> 00:34:05,400 Speaker 1: settling into your body and into this, letting go of 552 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:10,560 Speaker 1: any tension. Sometimes I like to roll my shoulders a 553 00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:17,880 Speaker 1: little or stretch my neck. Close your eyes if you want, 554 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:27,640 Speaker 1: or leave them open. This is your experience, and let's 555 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:40,839 Speaker 1: take a deeper breath here, fully in and fully out. Now, 556 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:49,680 Speaker 1: just breathe as you would naturally, no focus, no force, 557 00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:57,840 Speaker 1: and gently try bringing your attention to the specific sensations 558 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:04,719 Speaker 1: of breathing. Feeling the cool, fresh air, entering your nostrils 559 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 1: on an inhale, feeling the body expand with oxygen, feeling 560 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:22,160 Speaker 1: the sense of release when you exhale all the way. 561 00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:27,479 Speaker 1: And now let's open it up. As you go through 562 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:31,560 Speaker 1: your day, maybe you can find little in between moments 563 00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:36,160 Speaker 1: to bring this type of attention to your breath, like 564 00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:39,480 Speaker 1: waiting for your tea to boil, or even just tying 565 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:45,960 Speaker 1: your shoes. Going forward, when you start to lose control, 566 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:50,800 Speaker 1: try pausing for a second and taking a few deep 567 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:58,160 Speaker 1: breaths before reacting. I promise you this will make a 568 00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:04,040 Speaker 1: genuine impact. Now, before we say goodbye, let's take one 569 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:09,960 Speaker 1: more conscious breath together, inhaling gratitude for the life force 570 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:15,680 Speaker 1: that sustains us, and exhaling a thank you for always 571 00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:22,640 Speaker 1: being there. I really hope you enjoyed today's experience. I'm 572 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:25,160 Speaker 1: grateful you chose to spend time with me, and I 573 00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:26,760 Speaker 1: cannot wait to see you tomorrow.