1 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:08,920 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,600 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,079 Speaker 1: changes and transitions about twenties and what they mean for 4 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 1: our psychology. Hi. Everyone, new listeners, old news listeners, friends, strangers, exes, feelings. 5 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:35,080 Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast and to this week's topic of discussion, 6 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 1: which is the breakup. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the breakup 7 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: such a big part of our lives, such a big 8 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: part about twenties, you know, when I think the majority 9 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: of us experience our first type of real and serious heartbreak, 10 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 1: and you know, the breakups and the relationships we have 11 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 1: in our twenties are just going to impact us way 12 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:05,120 Speaker 1: down the line. So I thought we should finally discuss it. 13 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 1: This is going to be a pretty big episode, I think, 14 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,759 Speaker 1: a hard episode, a sad episode, but also one of 15 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:19,119 Speaker 1: healing and thriving, getting through your heartbreak and hopefully coming 16 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,760 Speaker 1: out of it as a better person. And if you're 17 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 1: here and listening, I'm sending you a lot of love 18 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: and support because I'm guessing that you're listening for a reason, 19 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: most likely because you're going through this right now and 20 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: we've all been there in the midst of a breakup 21 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:41,039 Speaker 1: where the grief just feels overwhelming. So hopefully what we 22 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: talk about today we'll offer you some guidance or at 23 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: least a sense of solace that you're not in it alone, 24 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: that you're not the first one to go through this. 25 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:55,240 Speaker 1: And you know, time passes. That's the beautiful thing about time. 26 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: It always keeps moving forward and you will as well. 27 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: That sounds so happy, but I hope you know what 28 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: I mean. So I have been working writing, replanning, reworking, 29 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,519 Speaker 1: and thinking about this episode for over a year. In fact, 30 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:15,240 Speaker 1: when I first began this podcast, it was one of 31 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:19,400 Speaker 1: the main things, the main topics that I really wanted 32 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: to get around to discussing. But every time I've revisited 33 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: the subject, I just felt that I couldn't. I was 34 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 1: at a place where I could objectively view heartbreak and 35 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,680 Speaker 1: a break up and not feel like I was still 36 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 1: in one myself. Basically, I wasn't sure if I could 37 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 1: recall this from a wise place or not cry. And 38 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: you know, this is a really vulnerable topic. And I 39 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 1: know that you know, friends and family are probably listening 40 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,640 Speaker 1: to this, which is great hello, But yeah, safe space 41 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: to share, I feel like, and to link up with 42 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 1: the people who are in the same place as you, 43 00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:00,160 Speaker 1: and I think now I can now I can all 44 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 1: this episode. I believe more on that later, but yeah, 45 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,880 Speaker 1: I'm in a wiser place about it, so I was like, 46 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 1: let's give it a crack. Actually a bit of podcast history. 47 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:13,640 Speaker 1: I actually began this podcast after a pretty serious breakup 48 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,320 Speaker 1: I went through last year with Yeah, with the guy 49 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: I was seeing at the time who Yeah, with this person. 50 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,400 Speaker 1: I went through a breakup with them, and I was 51 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: at a really low place in terms of my self esteem, 52 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 1: keeping myself occupied with all of my free time I 53 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 1: had because I wasn't with this person anymore, and you know, 54 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: recreating myself how I saw myself. And this podcast was 55 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: just such a savior for me to heal and grow 56 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 1: as a person, as a person that was beyond them, 57 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,480 Speaker 1: that was no longer attached to them. So I am 58 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 1: very grateful to this podcast, the people who have listened, 59 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: and how much it's grown out of that vision I 60 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: had for it initially, and it's helped me so massively 61 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: and it's just like unbelievable what it's become. So thank 62 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: you to those who have sup haarded me. I really 63 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:05,600 Speaker 1: appreciate it. So I truly believe that there is a 64 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 1: certain reverence to being heartbroken, to building yourself back up 65 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: from such a low point where you have lost someone 66 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:19,479 Speaker 1: you cared for so deeply. There's something spiritual about the 67 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: process of feeling emotions so intensely and being able to 68 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,600 Speaker 1: adjust to them and move forward. It's a significant grieving 69 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: process that I can imagine many of you are currently in. 70 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: I think I also went through a period. I don't 71 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 1: think I know I went through a period of that 72 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: recently as well, and though I probably wouldn't call it 73 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,200 Speaker 1: a breakup, it certainly felt that way and it still 74 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:43,400 Speaker 1: really hurts. There are times when I missed this person 75 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,000 Speaker 1: really intensely, and I wish I could tell them about 76 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,800 Speaker 1: the things I see and message them about things that 77 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 1: remind me of them. And we'll go through how you 78 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 1: can move through those periods of longing in grief, how 79 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,520 Speaker 1: you can move forward with your life and you know, 80 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: with respect and admiration for that person and everything they 81 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,599 Speaker 1: can attributed to your life, but leaving the love you 82 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 1: had for them behind and solidly in the past. We'll 83 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 1: talk more about that later. Love is not always easy 84 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 1: or straightforward. And I think the majority of the times 85 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,479 Speaker 1: we do choose to put ourselves out there and have 86 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 1: a deep connection with someone, we risk being profoundly hurt. 87 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,919 Speaker 1: But I guess the message of this episode that I 88 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: really want to convey is that it's always worth it. 89 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: The growth you see in yourself, the ability to recreate yourself, 90 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,600 Speaker 1: to remind yourself of your strength and why you are 91 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:37,200 Speaker 1: fucking amazing, is just such an incredible reward. You know, 92 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 1: also just the fact that you lean on your friends 93 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:44,120 Speaker 1: and your family and your hobbies so much more intensely, 94 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,839 Speaker 1: and you're just going to see so much growth and 95 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: reward in that area of your life as well. After 96 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: a breakup. Some of the moments of the greatest change 97 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,000 Speaker 1: and growth and significance in my life has come after 98 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: periods of heartache, and I look back at the person 99 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,400 Speaker 1: I was for and I can't even recognize her anymore 100 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 1: because I'm profoundly different. You are profoundly different after you 101 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 1: have loved and lost, no matter how significant that relationship was. 102 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: It could have been for three months, could have been 103 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 1: for six, could have been for years. But I guess 104 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:19,520 Speaker 1: I am speaking to people in their twenties where you know, 105 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,279 Speaker 1: I don't think many of us have met the loves 106 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,400 Speaker 1: of our lives yet. Maybe you have congratulations, but it 107 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 1: ultimately means that you're going to have to probably go 108 00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 1: through this at least once or twice before you get there. 109 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,600 Speaker 1: But being able to, you know, look at who you 110 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: were before, look at who you are now, and think 111 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: about who you are and could be who you could 112 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 1: be in the future. It's just such a beautiful part 113 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,200 Speaker 1: of that process. And I had this recently. I went 114 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,280 Speaker 1: back to Canberra, where I went to UNI and spent 115 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 1: a lot of time, and I just realized how much 116 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: I had grown since I was last there and when 117 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,919 Speaker 1: I was living there, and I felt so sad. I 118 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,039 Speaker 1: felt so sad for the person I was when I 119 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,679 Speaker 1: was there, and I missed those memories and those people 120 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 1: that I loved in that place. But I was also 121 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 1: so grateful and proud for what I chose to do 122 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,039 Speaker 1: after periods of hurt. And I was proud of myself for, 123 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 1: you know, I guess, standing up for myself not being 124 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,840 Speaker 1: with those people anymore, realizing that I did deserve better, 125 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,800 Speaker 1: and I did a bit of a survey of my 126 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: life and I just felt so much gratitude for those 127 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: people and for myself, because I guess you put in 128 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: the work and it pays off and one day you 129 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,840 Speaker 1: get a kind of look around and be like, Wow, 130 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,920 Speaker 1: I did it. I like move past those periods of 131 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: like shittiness. And I also think this is a period 132 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 1: of my life. I think it's like the first time 133 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: in like five years that I haven't either been heartbroken 134 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: dating or falling in love. And what a liberating feeling 135 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: that is. And if you're in your own breakup right now, 136 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,559 Speaker 1: which I am assuming you are, I hope that's something 137 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 1: to look forward to. Okay, I'm really sorry for the ramble. 138 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 1: I guess it's a vulnerable subject though, So if you're 139 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,520 Speaker 1: not here for the vulnerability, you're probably not here for 140 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: the right reasons. But let me give you an overview 141 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,679 Speaker 1: of what we are what I am planning to discuss today. 142 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:07,120 Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about the biology and the 143 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: underlying kind of physical reactions that many breakups contain and 144 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: that make breakups so hard. There is, like most things, 145 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: a science to it or that we will discuss. And 146 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 1: we'll talk about grief and how to move through the 147 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: stages of grief associated with a breakup and then eventually 148 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 1: how you move on. Also, can you be friends with 149 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,640 Speaker 1: your ex? Well, I'm going to speak from experience and 150 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: say yes, we can, but it has a few conditions. 151 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,439 Speaker 1: And I think it's a question that a lot of 152 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,480 Speaker 1: us ask ourselves when we're in a breakup, like I 153 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: just want to be friends with them. I just want to, 154 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,480 Speaker 1: you know, as long as we stay friends. So that's 155 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 1: also a point of contention, but also discussion that I 156 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 1: want to think about with you, discuss with you. So 157 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 1: all you heartbroken people out there, welcome, strap yourself in 158 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:02,080 Speaker 1: and yeah, prepare for a brilliant EPI. So, I don't know, 159 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,080 Speaker 1: an informative episode and one that hopefully you can relate to. 160 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,400 Speaker 1: So the first thing I want to talk about is 161 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 1: the biology, the science, the psychology behind breakups. What does 162 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:24,040 Speaker 1: it mean from I guess a brain sense or a 163 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:28,320 Speaker 1: mind sense, what's actually happening up there? Why does this hurt? 164 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:32,280 Speaker 1: Why does this hurt so much? So a big part 165 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,719 Speaker 1: of it is, of course, to do with neurotransmitters. I'm 166 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 1: sure you probably guess that neurotransmitters are basically hopefully I'm 167 00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 1: not explaining this if you already know, but basically they're 168 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:47,560 Speaker 1: these little chemicals in our brain that allow for communication. There, 169 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,800 Speaker 1: you know, the fuel that the brain rate, you know, 170 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 1: kind of relies on to communicate messages and to get 171 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: us to act and do things. And our neurotransmitters play 172 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 1: a pretty big role in feelings like love and then 173 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 1: the subsequent feeling of her when it doesn't work out. 174 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,599 Speaker 1: The primary ones are serotonin and dopamine. We hear a 175 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:13,200 Speaker 1: lot about them, and for good reasons. So there was 176 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:18,080 Speaker 1: this study done around a breakup and around love that 177 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:25,080 Speaker 1: shows that addiction and love are actually very very similar. 178 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: So in the study, there's psychologists. She had two groups 179 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 1: of people and one group were you know, intensely in 180 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,960 Speaker 1: love falling in love, and the other group had been 181 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:39,840 Speaker 1: broken up with and she showed them pictures of you know, 182 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 1: their beloved the people that they loved, and when she 183 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,120 Speaker 1: showed it to the people who were actively in love, 184 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: the same areas lit up in their brain as you 185 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 1: would expect when you know, you would see when someone 186 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 1: would do like heroin or when you got a massive 187 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 1: dopamine hit from gambling or from intense exercise. Anything that 188 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:06,120 Speaker 1: is addictive activates the same parts of our brains that 189 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,640 Speaker 1: love does, which is really interesting and really accounts where 190 00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: I think that really intense period where you're first meeting 191 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 1: someone and getting to know them, where you're just obsessed 192 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 1: and you love them and you're just you know, thinking 193 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,680 Speaker 1: about they could do no wrong, thinking about all the 194 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: future plans, all the amazing things about them, and you know, 195 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,720 Speaker 1: its essence. What the psychologist is saying is that its 196 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:29,080 Speaker 1: addiction is that dopamine. The dopamine in our brain is 197 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 1: creating pathways really quickly that make you want to have 198 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:36,280 Speaker 1: more of a fix and make you more connected to 199 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,199 Speaker 1: this person or a neurological level. So then she showed 200 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:45,040 Speaker 1: these photos of people, you know, people that were connected 201 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: to the participants, to the people who've just been broken 202 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 1: up with. Here's the thing, those same areas lit up, 203 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: but something else happened as well. Firstly, they lit up 204 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:01,199 Speaker 1: just as much, but it took long to die down. 205 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 1: So what that means is that you're not getting the 206 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,679 Speaker 1: same hit or fix. You know, your brain gets activated 207 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: to receive a reward and you don't get it, and 208 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,840 Speaker 1: what ends up happening is withdrawal. So your brain sends 209 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 1: out all these messages of like oh my gosh, we're 210 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,280 Speaker 1: going to get this reward. You know, we've seen this 211 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: person that's like a hit it or it's a rush 212 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,360 Speaker 1: of like some drug. And in the people who were 213 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,680 Speaker 1: in love, you know, they were rewarded by that. They 214 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,040 Speaker 1: knew that those feelings of love would be reciprocated. They 215 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,200 Speaker 1: could go back to that person and get that hit. 216 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 1: But for the people who were in a breakup, their 217 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 1: brains were no longer getting that hit, and it caused 218 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 1: genuine withdrawal, genuine withdrawal symptoms within their brain, a crash 219 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 1: within their brain, a dopamine crash. And this other group 220 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 1: of researchers, they studied young adults had experienced a recent 221 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 1: unwanted breakup, so they were broken up with, and when 222 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: participants viewed photos of their ex as their ventual to 223 00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 1: mental vent tegimental area, so basically it's the VTA and 224 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: they're this like nucleus in the center of their brain 225 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,000 Speaker 1: where the dopamine center is. They all lit up with activity. 226 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: And these regions are tied to our brains reward system, 227 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,559 Speaker 1: specifically dopamine, which we've talked about the causes feelings of 228 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,960 Speaker 1: euphoria and addiction. And in the face of a breakup, 229 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: your brain stimulates the addiction. The dopamine signals your brain 230 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:27,080 Speaker 1: to crave an object or a person that previously caused 231 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 1: the euphoria for you to crave them in the first place. 232 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: So our reward or motivation system means that we're now 233 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,080 Speaker 1: driven to find the source of our joy and to 234 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:39,520 Speaker 1: to you know, find that person. But we don't have 235 00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:44,240 Speaker 1: access to them anymore. They're not ours, So you basically 236 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: have that crash. You have that high and you have 237 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 1: that crash. Kind of also explains you know, those like 238 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,200 Speaker 1: awkward drunk texts that you send your acts when you're 239 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: really drunk and you're like looking at photos of them 240 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: or like thinking of them, and your brain's like, oh, 241 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,959 Speaker 1: I know how we can how we can get a hit. 242 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,120 Speaker 1: Let's just message to them out of the blue. Don't 243 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 1: do it. Never works. I feel like, yeah, let's just 244 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,600 Speaker 1: steer clear of that. Another part of our kind of 245 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,319 Speaker 1: internal systems and our neurological systems that contributes to the 246 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: pain of a breakup is this thing called long term potentiation. 247 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 1: I've talked about this on the podcast before. You all 248 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 1: know the term. You use it or you lose it, 249 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: But there is kind of a reverse of that as well. 250 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: The more you use a pathway, the stronger it becomes. 251 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 1: So when you've been with someone, when you've been with 252 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,120 Speaker 1: them for a while, when you've built up memories and 253 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 1: connections and patterns of behavior with them, your brain creates, 254 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 1: you know, simultaneously creates patterns of synapses and patterns of 255 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,160 Speaker 1: neurons that reflect those activities, that reflect those feelings. And 256 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 1: then you break up with them, and you know, whilst 257 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:53,360 Speaker 1: they may be gone, those neurological patterns and pathways in 258 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,600 Speaker 1: your brain associated with that person, they're still there. They 259 00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 1: didn't go anywhere, so your brain continues to fire signals 260 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 1: along along those pathways. That creates a sense of craving, 261 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,960 Speaker 1: and it takes a while for those pathways to die out. 262 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,920 Speaker 1: I guess that's the great part of you know, you 263 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,400 Speaker 1: use it or you lose it. You can lose it 264 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: if you don't act on those reactions or those impulses 265 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: to talk to that person, to see that person, to 266 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 1: connect with that person. Slowly, those pathways that are associated 267 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: with your feelings for them, they'll die, They will no 268 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: longer be used in the brain, will be like okay, well, 269 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: let's let's replace that with something better. In a breakup, 270 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,320 Speaker 1: you also feel a lot of physical symptoms as well. 271 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:43,720 Speaker 1: So MRI scans and some other neuroscience studies have shown 272 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 1: that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same parts 273 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 1: of the brain which are activated when we go through withdrawal. 274 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 1: So it also sends the same signals to your body 275 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 1: to pay attention to certain things, and it creates physical 276 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: pain as well. So these MRI s and showed that 277 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: there are several areas of the brain which contribute to that. Basically, 278 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 1: what it means is your brain is addicted to something 279 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,920 Speaker 1: and when it can't get it, it sends signals to 280 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 1: your body to do so to go out and find it. 281 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 1: You know, you might feel, you know, physically ill, you 282 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 1: might feel like nauseous, you might feel incredibly tired or 283 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 1: anxious or jittery, fatigue, muscle agges, headaches, all of these 284 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,080 Speaker 1: are symptoms of what you would expect from you know, 285 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: drug withdrawal, But lovers love is the best drug, I guess, 286 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:40,200 Speaker 1: and so you're expecting and it's expected that you'll also 287 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:45,880 Speaker 1: experience that when you go through a breakup. The other component, 288 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,760 Speaker 1: which is more of a social element, I think, But 289 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: equally as important is that when you date someone and 290 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:57,080 Speaker 1: when you love someone, your identity becomes intertwined with them. 291 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,840 Speaker 1: There are parts of you that you associate with them. 292 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,960 Speaker 1: They've had kind of a hand in, you know, love 293 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 1: and romance. I'm sure we've all seen. It also creates codependence, 294 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,679 Speaker 1: where you're relying on that person for support and for 295 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,520 Speaker 1: love and for validation. And when you can no longer 296 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,960 Speaker 1: get that, your sense of self really crumbles and diminishes 297 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 1: because you no longer have that support structure to hold 298 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: you up. You just feel weakened without it, and our 299 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,200 Speaker 1: brain kind of does weird things with that as well. 300 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 1: I don't know if you've had this, but you know, 301 00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,479 Speaker 1: these people that you've broken up with, it you're not 302 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: with anymore, they show up in your dreams. They like 303 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,680 Speaker 1: I remember, I like a few months ago, I was 304 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 1: just having like vivid, vivid dreams of this person showing up, 305 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 1: and it felt so real because my brain was still 306 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,840 Speaker 1: trying to use those old pathways that you know, we 307 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 1: were trying to shut down. And also because they had 308 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: been a big part of my life, so they were 309 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 1: all of the I wasn't having them in my life, 310 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,160 Speaker 1: so my brain was kind of creating situations for me 311 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,440 Speaker 1: in which I got to have that kind of fix. 312 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,520 Speaker 1: It also might be why, you know, you do also 313 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:05,120 Speaker 1: feel your self esteem and your self confidence really kind 314 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:08,880 Speaker 1: of go down the toilet, because, like we were talking about, 315 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,000 Speaker 1: with that social element of your identity becoming intertwined with them, 316 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,200 Speaker 1: you no longer have that validation and reinforcement from someone 317 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:19,119 Speaker 1: you truly loved, and your confidence just kind of drops. 318 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,400 Speaker 1: I had that recently. I would just like felt so 319 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:26,240 Speaker 1: low and so like crappy about myself because I could 320 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:30,320 Speaker 1: no longer look to this person to kind of lift 321 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,479 Speaker 1: me up. Not that they really did anyways, but in 322 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: the ways that they would show you affection or they 323 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 1: would show you that you cared. I'll show you that 324 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:41,160 Speaker 1: they cared about you. You don't have that anymore, So 325 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:43,919 Speaker 1: what do you have to replace it with you In 326 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 1: the initial stage of the breakup, nothing really seems to 327 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,040 Speaker 1: feel that whole the same way that they did, which 328 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:53,280 Speaker 1: is really tough, and it all kind of links together. 329 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,119 Speaker 1: That's why you just feel so crap and you feel 330 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: so shitty because there are physical and social and mental 331 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 1: and psychological reactions going on in your brain that is 332 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 1: to do with withdrawal, and that is to do with 333 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 1: no longer having access to that fix or that sense 334 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:19,879 Speaker 1: of companionship with that person. So now that we understand 335 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,960 Speaker 1: where those shitty feelings are coming from, I want to 336 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:28,639 Speaker 1: talk about grief. I think losing a relationship, losing someone 337 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:32,800 Speaker 1: you love not permanently is and they're dead, but losing 338 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,600 Speaker 1: someone you're no longer with is this type of grief. 339 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,639 Speaker 1: Having to say goodbye to that person and what you 340 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,359 Speaker 1: had and what you could have had in the future 341 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,640 Speaker 1: is grief. And I do truly believe that there are 342 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,959 Speaker 1: stages of grieving to a breakup, just like there are 343 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,000 Speaker 1: stages of grieving with a death. For those who don't know, 344 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:53,640 Speaker 1: the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 345 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:59,560 Speaker 1: Let's apply these to heartbreak to a breakup. Denial. That's 346 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:02,159 Speaker 1: probably the first two weeks, i'd say for most of us, 347 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 1: where it's just like this isn't happening. Everything is as normal, 348 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 1: everything is, We're just going about our business. And it's 349 00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:13,120 Speaker 1: where you don't really feel anything. You know, you're full 350 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:15,320 Speaker 1: of like opportunities for what you can do. You know, 351 00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: like now I can date other people, now I can, 352 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,640 Speaker 1: you know, hang out with my friends, let's go drinking, 353 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,240 Speaker 1: Let's like, you know, go gym, heaps, or like whatever 354 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:28,360 Speaker 1: you decide to do. Essentially, it's just like the emotions 355 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: haven't hit you yet, you're still in denial about what 356 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:36,040 Speaker 1: is actually happening. Next comes anger. Anger is just such 357 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,439 Speaker 1: a severe stage I think of grief, but one that 358 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,639 Speaker 1: you just have to work through. Anger at yourself, anger 359 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 1: at the person, anger at the situation. I remember finding 360 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: myself so angry at myself for allowing myself to be in, 361 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:55,040 Speaker 1: you know, a relationship that wasn't suiting me for so long, 362 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: and now I'm having to go through this period of 363 00:20:57,119 --> 00:21:00,159 Speaker 1: like intense heartbreak I should have just like not that 364 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,720 Speaker 1: you know, started it to begin with, which is ridiculous. 365 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,479 Speaker 1: But the anger, I think a big element of it 366 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,960 Speaker 1: is it's not rational and it's not necessarily something you 367 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 1: can control. Other either bargaining. You know, typically how people 368 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,840 Speaker 1: would see bargaining in relationship a breakup is wanting to 369 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,680 Speaker 1: get back together with them, trying to you know, kind 370 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,960 Speaker 1: of have a discussion with yourself for that, Oh, you know, 371 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,439 Speaker 1: eventually we'll get back together, Like it's in the future. 372 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,159 Speaker 1: You know we're meant to be together, we'll get back together, 373 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 1: or bargaining around like, oh, I'm just going to find 374 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,639 Speaker 1: someone better. I'm just going to you know, if I 375 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,880 Speaker 1: do these things, I'll feel great in a couple of weeks. 376 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,119 Speaker 1: If I go and sleep with someone else, I'll feel fine. 377 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,840 Speaker 1: It's basically yourself kind of trying to convince You're trying 378 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,119 Speaker 1: to convince yourself that there's an easy way out, which 379 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,200 Speaker 1: I'm sure you know there isn't. And when it doesn't work, 380 00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:51,640 Speaker 1: we have depression, perhaps the longest stage of the breakup 381 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: and the most acute, where you just feel shit, You 382 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:59,439 Speaker 1: just feel awful, you feel sad, you feel lonely, you 383 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,760 Speaker 1: miss that person so much. You know you're probably looking 384 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 1: back through all the photos and fun times you had 385 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,560 Speaker 1: of them. Sometimes it's actually, at least I think, really 386 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:13,359 Speaker 1: good to embody that period and to really let yourself 387 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 1: feel that emotion like you would anything else. You know, 388 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,800 Speaker 1: if you were physically hurt, I would hope you wouldn't 389 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,200 Speaker 1: just ignore it. But in another sense, I think it's 390 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,600 Speaker 1: actually can be quite nice and a little bit indulgent 391 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,840 Speaker 1: in a good way to just let yourself be sad, 392 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:34,080 Speaker 1: let yourself really be sad about what could have been, 393 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,800 Speaker 1: about what you miss about that person, because if you don't, 394 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,920 Speaker 1: and if you try and suppress it, if you try 395 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:43,359 Speaker 1: and use things like, you know, drink or have sex, 396 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,080 Speaker 1: or throw yourself into something else or you know, stay 397 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,600 Speaker 1: you know, always be on your screen or whatever it is, 398 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,960 Speaker 1: excessively socialize, you're never actually going to move through this stage. 399 00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:57,240 Speaker 1: And it's just going to take longer. Everyone has to 400 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,760 Speaker 1: get through it. If you're going through a breakup, it's 401 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,680 Speaker 1: just part of the deal. You're going to be really 402 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:05,520 Speaker 1: sad for a while, and it's best to make that 403 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,520 Speaker 1: last a little bit shorter, I think by just like 404 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: pushing yourself really into it, hitting that kind of low stage, 405 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,920 Speaker 1: and then you building yourself back up, and that's when 406 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,240 Speaker 1: you get to the final stage of grief, which is acceptance. 407 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,600 Speaker 1: Acceptance is the key to moving on. It is the 408 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:25,560 Speaker 1: golden antidote to everything that's come before. It's realizing that 409 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:29,040 Speaker 1: you're not going to be with that person. That person 410 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,520 Speaker 1: is no longer yours in a sense, you are probably 411 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,679 Speaker 1: never going to see them again, or at least not 412 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,760 Speaker 1: in a setting where you probably want to see them again. 413 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,480 Speaker 1: You're never going to tell them you love them again. 414 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: You're never going to you know, kiss them again, go 415 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,959 Speaker 1: on holidays with them again, have that same level of intimacy. 416 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:51,919 Speaker 1: And it's about really accepting that you do want to 417 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 1: be with someone that loves you and someone that you 418 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,040 Speaker 1: can grow with, someone that treats you with respect. That 419 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:02,720 Speaker 1: was a point I really had to get to where 420 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,879 Speaker 1: I was. I think in previous breakups where I was like, actually, no, 421 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,080 Speaker 1: Like I accept that I do deserve things better. I 422 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,439 Speaker 1: accept that that was a very beautiful relationship and that 423 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,040 Speaker 1: we did have a great time. But it's over now. 424 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,480 Speaker 1: And I think that's the thing that I really stags 425 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,760 Speaker 1: a lot of people, really trips them up, is you 426 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 1: don't truly let them go. You don't recognize that it's 427 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:28,640 Speaker 1: truly over. You always have that thought at the back 428 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,320 Speaker 1: back of your mind of like, yeah, maybe one day 429 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: we'll get back together, you know, I'll get to see 430 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,080 Speaker 1: them here, I'll get to maybe one day we can 431 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:40,680 Speaker 1: we can do this again. And you're not going to 432 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: be able to move forward unless you get over that, essentially, 433 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,320 Speaker 1: unless you really come to terms with that, and you 434 00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:51,600 Speaker 1: can kind of tell if you haven't. I remember I 435 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,440 Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I'm totally over it. I've accepted this, 436 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,919 Speaker 1: we're not together anymore. And then you know what happens. 437 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:59,560 Speaker 1: You know what happens. They get a new partner, they 438 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,720 Speaker 1: get an new relationship. And that's the real, I guess 439 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:07,360 Speaker 1: moment of truth in determining whether you really have accepted 440 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:09,280 Speaker 1: that it's over or whether you've just been telling yourself 441 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,439 Speaker 1: that it is. Because when that person gets a new partner, 442 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:17,520 Speaker 1: that's when that conclusion that realizes that realization of like, 443 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:21,720 Speaker 1: oh fuck, like I'm not with this person anymore, they're 444 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,320 Speaker 1: not with me, this is really done. And I think 445 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:27,600 Speaker 1: that's when the breakup can truly kind of set it. 446 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: If you haven't been through that depression stage, you've just 447 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 1: kind of skipped over it and gone straight to like, yeah, 448 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 1: it's done, we're over, Like let's move on. As soon 449 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:38,359 Speaker 1: as they get, you know, meet someone new. I think 450 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,359 Speaker 1: that's really when you kind of realize, you kind of 451 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,680 Speaker 1: realize that you probably haven't really really reached that stage yet. 452 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,720 Speaker 1: And I think one way to get to that acceptance 453 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,600 Speaker 1: stage is kind of having a bit of a funeral 454 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 1: for your love. And I know this is really really strange, 455 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:00,679 Speaker 1: but it's something that I have done that really helps 456 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,080 Speaker 1: me and really has helped me in the past. Make 457 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,040 Speaker 1: a box of all the things they gave you, or 458 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:11,399 Speaker 1: your little mementos, you know, cards they wrote you, gifts, 459 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: they gave you, tickets to things that you did together, photos, 460 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,000 Speaker 1: whatever it may be. Put it in a box and 461 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 1: put it away. And I think write them almost like 462 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,480 Speaker 1: a bit of a eulogy, a bit of a letter 463 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: saying you know, yeah, really acknowledging how much you loved them, 464 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 1: saying all the things that you really loved about them, 465 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,320 Speaker 1: that you really saw in them, the best things about them, 466 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,280 Speaker 1: and then also taking a moment to realize why it 467 00:26:39,359 --> 00:26:44,000 Speaker 1: probably wasn't meant to be. Sometimes, I think when we 468 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: are in that depression stage of that stage of grief, 469 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,240 Speaker 1: we look back on our relationships with rose tinted lenses 470 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:54,359 Speaker 1: and we really tend to forget the awful times. It's 471 00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 1: a terrible type of cognitive dissonance. You just look back 472 00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,520 Speaker 1: and you think, oh, you know, how amazing was it 473 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:02,600 Speaker 1: when we were on this beautiful trip together, and like, 474 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,320 Speaker 1: how amazing was it when we did this, And you know, 475 00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:08,520 Speaker 1: how amazing was it when we had this experience Not 476 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,879 Speaker 1: remembering all the times in between when perhaps you didn't 477 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:16,560 Speaker 1: feel loved and you didn't feel respected or not, you know, 478 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,080 Speaker 1: remembering the fact that if they wanted to, they would 479 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:21,879 Speaker 1: be with you, and then not for a reason, write 480 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 1: that letter. It's going to be really hard. You will 481 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,920 Speaker 1: probably have a few tears. And it's actually a really 482 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:32,399 Speaker 1: good thing to feel sad when you're doing it, because 483 00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:36,520 Speaker 1: you're sitting back or you're acknowledging both the gratitude you 484 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,280 Speaker 1: have for them, but also your fears and also in 485 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:44,359 Speaker 1: some ways the reasons why it did to have to end. 486 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,560 Speaker 1: If the funeral idea is a little bit weird for you, 487 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,199 Speaker 1: I totally get it. I'm just saying it works. I 488 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:54,679 Speaker 1: have like a few boxes of like X's stuff that 489 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,359 Speaker 1: I like keep in my attic, and you know, maybe 490 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,320 Speaker 1: I'll pull it out one day, but it's safe now. 491 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:04,000 Speaker 1: But if that's not really your thing, keep a diary 492 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:08,479 Speaker 1: or some way of tracking your progress. So this might 493 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,760 Speaker 1: sound a little bit dramatic, but the first breakup I 494 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:15,320 Speaker 1: ever went through, I was so distraught. I don't even know. 495 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:16,960 Speaker 1: That was the worst. I don't even know how to 496 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 1: explain it. I was just so sad. I was crying 497 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,400 Speaker 1: all the time, I was just like miserable, and my 498 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,359 Speaker 1: psychologist at the time said, you should film this. You 499 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:30,000 Speaker 1: should film yourself in this stage. Every time you're crying, 500 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: every time you get overwhelmed and you think about them, 501 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,879 Speaker 1: pull out your camera and start recording. And I did it, 502 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:39,600 Speaker 1: and every time I was crying about them, I would 503 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 1: record exactly how I was feeling, what I was thinking 504 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:47,440 Speaker 1: about at that moment. And I still have those videos. 505 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:51,480 Speaker 1: I actually looked at them a few days ago in 506 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,840 Speaker 1: thinking about this episode. Fuck, it was sad, but you 507 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:57,600 Speaker 1: know what else, it was kind of beautiful. It's like 508 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:01,160 Speaker 1: thirty five minutes of just like clips of me, like 509 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:05,000 Speaker 1: in tears in different locations around you know, Camber and Melbourne, 510 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,080 Speaker 1: and I just looked watched it back and I was like, 511 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:11,120 Speaker 1: that's just crazy that I was feeling that emotion so intensely. 512 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 1: And I can look at this now and realize how 513 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: far I've come, and it's a great way to kind 514 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:19,600 Speaker 1: of see that you are moving forward. And yeah, progress 515 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:22,440 Speaker 1: isn't linear, but at the end of the day, when 516 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:24,200 Speaker 1: you do watch them back in the future, you're just 517 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 1: going to kind of laugh at yourself, you know, feel 518 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 1: a little bit of pity, but also just have that 519 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:30,840 Speaker 1: moment of like kerror, I did it, I made it 520 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:35,160 Speaker 1: through that I'm actually not that person anymore. Some more strategies, 521 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,600 Speaker 1: the classic one and one that I do really stand by. 522 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,760 Speaker 1: Block them, block them, put them in spam, at least 523 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: for a little while, don't have any contact. I know 524 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 1: it's really really hard. I know you don't want to 525 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 1: do it. Trust me, I've been there that if you 526 00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:58,640 Speaker 1: don't feel like you can do that right now. If 527 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:00,480 Speaker 1: I think also, you know, if you have things that 528 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,640 Speaker 1: tie you together, like maybe you lived with them and 529 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:05,480 Speaker 1: you've got bank accounts you need to deal with, or 530 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 1: you've got leases that you need to deal with, or 531 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:11,520 Speaker 1: furniture or shared property or cars or anything like that, 532 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 1: obviously it doesn't make sense to block them straight away 533 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,880 Speaker 1: because A. That's rude. B that's irresponsible. But put them 534 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:22,080 Speaker 1: in spam. Put them in spam, and then give yourself 535 00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 1: like thirty minutes in the day where you can think 536 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:26,520 Speaker 1: about them and you can reply to them, and you 537 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:28,520 Speaker 1: can do whatever you want. And then outside of that 538 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,160 Speaker 1: thirty minutes, put them away. There's nothing that needs to 539 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,360 Speaker 1: be done within twenty four hours that they can't wait 540 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:37,040 Speaker 1: for and it really stops you from getting those notifications 541 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:39,600 Speaker 1: or being reminded of them when you don't want to 542 00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 1: think about them, having them pop up to you on 543 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 1: Instagram when you're spending time with your friends. You know 544 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,320 Speaker 1: how shitty that is. It's just like the worst feeling 545 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:48,880 Speaker 1: because it makes you feel like you've made no progress. 546 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:52,200 Speaker 1: It pulls you away from the moment, and it keeps 547 00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:54,480 Speaker 1: you in the loop. So I would say, if you 548 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:56,480 Speaker 1: can't block them, at least put them in spam. That 549 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:58,320 Speaker 1: is my biggest tip. And when you do get the 550 00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 1: option to block them, do it. It is just amazing 551 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 1: and I think really helps contribute to that acceptance of like, 552 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,600 Speaker 1: we're not together anymore, I'm not going to see this 553 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:13,080 Speaker 1: person anymore. I shouldn't have any contact. My friend Phoebe 554 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,560 Speaker 1: God bless her if she's listening, absolute legend. She has 555 00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:21,600 Speaker 1: said this to me and my most recent experience of heartache. 556 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:25,000 Speaker 1: She goes, if you don't have contact with them, if 557 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:27,440 Speaker 1: they're not in your life, if you're not seeing them, 558 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 1: if you're not getting notifications from them, if they're not 559 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:33,040 Speaker 1: present in your daily kind of routine, you can kind 560 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:35,640 Speaker 1: of forget that they even exist. If they're not in 561 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:39,160 Speaker 1: your like periphery. If they're not in your field of vision, 562 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:43,240 Speaker 1: either on your phone or by seeing them, you can 563 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:46,280 Speaker 1: move forward a lot faster. And I think that kind 564 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:48,760 Speaker 1: of links to this next idea of like keep yourself busy. 565 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:53,160 Speaker 1: Although I've said, like it's important to really feel your emotions, 566 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:57,440 Speaker 1: keeping yourself busy, it's just like so useful when you 567 00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 1: are in that like really terrible stage. Reconnect with your friends, 568 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,360 Speaker 1: reconnect with the things that you might have given up 569 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:07,560 Speaker 1: that we naturally give up when we become intertwined and 570 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:12,320 Speaker 1: connected with someone else. And I think that is also 571 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:16,280 Speaker 1: relevant to creating new parts of you, pursuing new things 572 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 1: that you know they don't have some connection to, new 573 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 1: parts of you that are just yours. Hobbies and new friends. 574 00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,960 Speaker 1: They're a great place to start, you know, try a 575 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,520 Speaker 1: new sport, go hiking, go see new places. And I 576 00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: think that's a massive thing. I remember I went when 577 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:34,600 Speaker 1: I was in camera and I went through this like 578 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:37,800 Speaker 1: break up with one of my exes. Everywhere I go 579 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,280 Speaker 1: would just remind me of them, and it was so painful, 580 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:44,080 Speaker 1: it was so terrible. But I started visiting new places 581 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:47,000 Speaker 1: that had no connection with them. That were just mine. 582 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,800 Speaker 1: And by doing that, I got to create and recreate 583 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:54,320 Speaker 1: my identity outside of that relationship and outside of my 584 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,600 Speaker 1: you know, of us together, and it was a really 585 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:01,680 Speaker 1: great way to kind of move forward, to reconnect with 586 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:04,680 Speaker 1: myself and see myself as not just their's, not just 587 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,520 Speaker 1: their girlfriend, not just their person, but as Gemma, as 588 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:11,800 Speaker 1: my own person who has their own things that they 589 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:15,600 Speaker 1: don't have any touch or hold or fingers in, that 590 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,320 Speaker 1: they don't have any connection to. And I think that's 591 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,080 Speaker 1: a really important step and you know, hopefully a good 592 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:24,680 Speaker 1: strategy for you if you are in that situation where 593 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,040 Speaker 1: you're just in a loop of being reminded of them, 594 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 1: of feeling like everything you do is in some way 595 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: theirs as well. Okay, so what next? What next? You've 596 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:44,400 Speaker 1: done the work, you've invested in yourself, you've invested in 597 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 1: your hobbies, you've invested in your friends, you've cut off contact. 598 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,960 Speaker 1: You have gone to therapy. A big one. My friend 599 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,760 Speaker 1: Aaron would always say that, go to therapy. You have 600 00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:59,600 Speaker 1: moved through, you've gone through that grieving process. Where do 601 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,760 Speaker 1: you go there? Like, what do you do not just 602 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:05,800 Speaker 1: in relation to them, but in relationship to your broader 603 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:09,000 Speaker 1: relationships as well. The first thing I think we all 604 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,280 Speaker 1: think about is like, is it possible to be friends 605 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:15,839 Speaker 1: with your ex? I actually think it is. This is 606 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:19,680 Speaker 1: not based on any kind of research, just like personal experience. 607 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:22,960 Speaker 1: I think that you had a really deep connection with 608 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:27,399 Speaker 1: them for a reason. Perhaps you would have been better 609 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,200 Speaker 1: as friends. You know this whole time. But if you 610 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:36,399 Speaker 1: have a successfully moved through those stages, if you no 611 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: longer see them as a romantic interest, if you no 612 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:43,120 Speaker 1: longer and this is critical, no longer have any expectations 613 00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:47,239 Speaker 1: for a future romantic or intimate relationship with them, I 614 00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:49,959 Speaker 1: think it is possible. I think it's possible to reintroduce 615 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,960 Speaker 1: them to your life, slowly and making sure it's not 616 00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:56,719 Speaker 1: derailing any progress you've made, or that you know you're 617 00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,319 Speaker 1: putting too much attention on them, or you really are 618 00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:01,600 Speaker 1: se really thinking like, oh, yeah, this is it, we're 619 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,839 Speaker 1: going to get back together this time. But if you're 620 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,240 Speaker 1: no longer in that thought process, I do think it's possible. 621 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:09,840 Speaker 1: I had this with one of my exes, who I 622 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: love very deeply and who was now I would say, 623 00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:16,439 Speaker 1: a very good friend of mine, and after a while 624 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:19,640 Speaker 1: we had we had a large period of separation. We 625 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:24,480 Speaker 1: both went on and dated different people, and then slowly 626 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:27,080 Speaker 1: we just started to become friends the way that you 627 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:30,520 Speaker 1: would become friends with a stranger, just like thinking about 628 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,399 Speaker 1: things you had in common, you know, having a laugh 629 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: with them every now and again, helping them out with 630 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:38,959 Speaker 1: like some random thing, and keeping it at that level, 631 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:42,160 Speaker 1: not letting it get any deeper. I remember the moment 632 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:44,640 Speaker 1: I realized that like I truly was like just like 633 00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,799 Speaker 1: actually just good pals with this person was when I 634 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:50,640 Speaker 1: was talking to them about another relationship I was in 635 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:53,000 Speaker 1: and he was doing the same, and there was no 636 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:57,200 Speaker 1: feeling of jealousy, there was no feeling of like sadness. 637 00:35:57,680 --> 00:35:59,520 Speaker 1: It was just as if I was talking to any 638 00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:03,399 Speaker 1: of my other friends about something I was going through. Yeah, 639 00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:05,759 Speaker 1: that's actually I would say, you know, a rare thing 640 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,840 Speaker 1: to achieve, and it's definitely not for everyone. And I 641 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,799 Speaker 1: would say, if you can't keep up healthy boundaries with 642 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,839 Speaker 1: that person, if that person has really hurt you or 643 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:19,200 Speaker 1: done something that's like genuinely abhorrent or like terrible, in 644 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:21,120 Speaker 1: no way should you feel like you have to be 645 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,759 Speaker 1: friends with them again, or should you feel obligated cut 646 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:27,160 Speaker 1: them off, get them out of your fucking life. But 647 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 1: if you have that inclination, and if it's natural and 648 00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:32,800 Speaker 1: if it works, I do think that there is something 649 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:35,720 Speaker 1: to be said about being friends with your ex and 650 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 1: keeping them in your life at a healthy distance. I 651 00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:42,920 Speaker 1: think the other thing is when do you know that 652 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:45,920 Speaker 1: you're ready to date again. I don't think you ever know. 653 00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:50,040 Speaker 1: I think they will just come a point where you'll 654 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,440 Speaker 1: just realize that that's actually an option now, and that 655 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,120 Speaker 1: you are in the right place to be able to 656 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:59,440 Speaker 1: meet someone new, to give it another shot, and to 657 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:03,040 Speaker 1: share with yourself a big hurdle. I think there's two 658 00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:05,279 Speaker 1: things I really want to say about that. If you're 659 00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,320 Speaker 1: just dating because you're trying to get over that person, 660 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:10,319 Speaker 1: I don't think that's that great. Firstly, you're just going 661 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,920 Speaker 1: to end up hurting yourself more. It's also not fair 662 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:16,000 Speaker 1: to those other people either, And I don't actually think 663 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,880 Speaker 1: it's a healthy way to move through grief. You're just 664 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:24,640 Speaker 1: using dating and other people as a distraction, and you're 665 00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:27,440 Speaker 1: always I think, looking to those people that you're seeing 666 00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:30,960 Speaker 1: to be like that person you were just with with. 667 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:34,160 Speaker 1: It's just like such an unhealthy expectation to place on 668 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:39,879 Speaker 1: every single possible party in that situation. I also think 669 00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:41,719 Speaker 1: the other thing that comes into it is your self 670 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:46,520 Speaker 1: confidence levels and feeling as if you are yourself again, 671 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:48,879 Speaker 1: if you do have something to share, if your life 672 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,680 Speaker 1: would at this stage be better with someone else. My 673 00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:57,920 Speaker 1: friend Kate is incredible, just an incredible, incredible person, and 674 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,719 Speaker 1: I just remember her saying like she just mate, like 675 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:03,920 Speaker 1: she after she went through like a hard period of 676 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:07,520 Speaker 1: hard breakup, heart heart break thing, she just focused really 677 00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:11,719 Speaker 1: intently on making her life as amazing as possible, as 678 00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:14,640 Speaker 1: suited to what she wanted as possible. So when someone 679 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 1: did come along, the only thing left is for them 680 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,400 Speaker 1: to do was just to already elevate what she already 681 00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:22,640 Speaker 1: knew she had, which was happiness, which was friends, which 682 00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:27,160 Speaker 1: was opportunities, and which was gratitude. And I think that's 683 00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,600 Speaker 1: a really successful and amazing way to go about it. 684 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,120 Speaker 1: And making sure that you're at a point where you 685 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:36,200 Speaker 1: feel like you could be vulnerable with someone again, that 686 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:38,680 Speaker 1: was a big thing and still a big thing for me. 687 00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:45,120 Speaker 1: I think where although like I'm definitely not actively dating 688 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,680 Speaker 1: or anything like that, a big reason behind me not 689 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:51,960 Speaker 1: doing that is because I just don't feel the need 690 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,319 Speaker 1: to but be just think there's so much work left 691 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,960 Speaker 1: to be done in myself, around my confidence levels after 692 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:03,440 Speaker 1: my recent experience, and just feeling like I am myself again, 693 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,279 Speaker 1: and that if someone met me tomorrow, if like my 694 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,680 Speaker 1: soulmate met me tomorrow, they would actually like the person 695 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:12,880 Speaker 1: I am, and the person I am is actually a 696 00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:16,120 Speaker 1: reflection of who I want to be and a reflection 697 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:19,040 Speaker 1: of my values and my principles and not of you 698 00:39:19,239 --> 00:39:22,319 Speaker 1: my self esteem issues. You know, it's a lot. If 699 00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:24,719 Speaker 1: you work through your baggage, Elly, it's a less weight 700 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:27,160 Speaker 1: and less burden on your future relationships. I think you're 701 00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:30,200 Speaker 1: doing yourself a favor for the future, You're doing them 702 00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:33,200 Speaker 1: a favor. It's not really much else to be said 703 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:36,759 Speaker 1: about it other than that. And before we wrap up 704 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:40,480 Speaker 1: this episode, if you are going through a breakup, I 705 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,760 Speaker 1: send you a lot of love. I know how it feels, 706 00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,880 Speaker 1: I know what can feel really terrible, But do focus 707 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,640 Speaker 1: on the really good parts of the relationship for a while, 708 00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:55,400 Speaker 1: let yourself feel pay let yourself feel the love that 709 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,560 Speaker 1: you do have for them, at least for a period, 710 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:02,040 Speaker 1: and be grateful for that relation ship and then really 711 00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:05,239 Speaker 1: get to work on accepting that it's not part of 712 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,239 Speaker 1: your life anymore. It's not part of your future, it's 713 00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:09,799 Speaker 1: not part of your reality, and it's time to move on. 714 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:13,680 Speaker 1: It's time to be with someone who's more compatible, be 715 00:40:13,719 --> 00:40:16,080 Speaker 1: with someone who can give you what you want and 716 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:19,120 Speaker 1: who can give you what you really deserve, because you deserve. 717 00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:22,480 Speaker 1: I think so much more. If that relationship didn't work, 718 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:25,759 Speaker 1: it didn't work for a reason. Remind yourself of that 719 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:28,319 Speaker 1: it didn't work for a reason. It might not be 720 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:31,640 Speaker 1: their fault, it might not be it's definitely not your fault. 721 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,640 Speaker 1: It might not be anyone's fault. Sometimes people just don't 722 00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:38,640 Speaker 1: work because there's friction, because there's incompatibilities, and that's all right, 723 00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:41,640 Speaker 1: and you don't have to get back together with them. 724 00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:45,440 Speaker 1: You shouldn't feel like you need to. There's someone a 725 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,720 Speaker 1: lot better out there. And even if you're by yourself 726 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:52,000 Speaker 1: for five ten years, that's just such a great opportunity 727 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:55,440 Speaker 1: to make yourself into the best version of you. Not 728 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:58,759 Speaker 1: for your future partner, not for your future you know, 729 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:04,080 Speaker 1: boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or whatever, but just for you, 730 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:06,640 Speaker 1: and just because you know, on this stuff, you really 731 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:10,320 Speaker 1: do only have yourself, and that's just the most crucial element. 732 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:13,160 Speaker 1: I think. If nothing else. If you take nothing else, 733 00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:16,120 Speaker 1: you really do only have yourself. So the investment you 734 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:20,080 Speaker 1: put into your identity, your character, how you feel about yourself, 735 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:24,160 Speaker 1: how you feel in relation to others, whether you're proud 736 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:26,640 Speaker 1: of yourself, whether you love yourself, is so much more 737 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:29,560 Speaker 1: important than whether you love someone else and whether they 738 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:34,160 Speaker 1: love you. So yes, I hope you enjoyed this episode. 739 00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:35,680 Speaker 1: I thought it was going to be a lot more 740 00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:38,040 Speaker 1: emotional than it was. I guess it's a testament to 741 00:41:38,719 --> 00:41:44,799 Speaker 1: having moved through this successfully. Congratulations, Gamma. But I hope 742 00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:48,840 Speaker 1: it also gave you some insight. It gave you something 743 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:54,920 Speaker 1: to think about and some strategies, some advice. Time is 744 00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:58,440 Speaker 1: just your best friend in this situation. It's a brilliant 745 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,239 Speaker 1: and worst thing about. Time always moves forward and you 746 00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:05,200 Speaker 1: will as well, And it really does heal all wounds, 747 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,880 Speaker 1: at least partially. Along with some good hard work and 748 00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:11,919 Speaker 1: some therapy, you'll get to a point where you can 749 00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:15,120 Speaker 1: look back on yourself in this stage, like I looked 750 00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:16,960 Speaker 1: back at those videos of me crying when I was 751 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:21,360 Speaker 1: like nineteen and just feel just a little bit silly 752 00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:24,799 Speaker 1: about it, but also just like so much. It's just 753 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:27,080 Speaker 1: such a strange feeling. It's just such a strange feeling 754 00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:30,200 Speaker 1: to be looking back at yourself in the past and 755 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:33,359 Speaker 1: just acknowledging how far you've come and just thinking back 756 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,080 Speaker 1: on those feelings and how you never thought it was 757 00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:37,600 Speaker 1: going to end and then eventually it does. And if 758 00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:41,160 Speaker 1: you did like this episode, please feel feel free to 759 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:44,640 Speaker 1: subscribe or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or 760 00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:50,080 Speaker 1: Spotify podcasts. It really does help this show grow. If 761 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:53,520 Speaker 1: this is an episode you think someone else in your 762 00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:56,960 Speaker 1: life would really appreciate it, would really appreciate or really 763 00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,000 Speaker 1: needs send it to them. I would be really greatful 764 00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:02,520 Speaker 1: if you would do that, and follow us on Instagram 765 00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:07,080 Speaker 1: as well at Twenties Psychology Podcast. I know it's a 766 00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:09,399 Speaker 1: weird handle. I'm trying to change it. I don't really 767 00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:12,839 Speaker 1: know how to, but sometimes we do like questions there 768 00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,960 Speaker 1: for topic ideas or things you want to hear about, 769 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:18,879 Speaker 1: So please feel free to send your suggestions over there. 770 00:43:19,239 --> 00:43:21,440 Speaker 1: And sending you a lot of peace, love, and happiness. 771 00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:24,920 Speaker 1: If you are moving through your breakup and some heartbreak 772 00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:27,359 Speaker 1: at the moment, it's going to get better and you're 773 00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:29,279 Speaker 1: on the right path. If you're listening to podcasts, I 774 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:32,680 Speaker 1: think you're you're getting into that acceptance stage, so best 775 00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:34,040 Speaker 1: of luck and thank you for listening.