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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. So

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Speaker 1: great to have you here for another episode, for another topic,

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Speaker 1: one that I have wanted to discuss for some time,

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Speaker 1: but it felt appropriate and you, lovely listeners, thought the

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Speaker 1: same way. So today we are going to discuss the

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Speaker 1: stigma of being single. In twenty twenty three, when I

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Speaker 1: am recording this episode, more people I think are single

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Speaker 1: than ever before. In Australia, at least I know, it's

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Speaker 1: like one in four or twenty five percent of people

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Speaker 1: over the age of eighteen are single, and that number

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Speaker 1: climbs when we look at the US or North America

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Speaker 1: or Europe. I think in some places it's as high

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Speaker 1: as like thirty five percent, totally against the historical norm.

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Speaker 1: And yet sometimes it feels like it's a bit of

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Speaker 1: an invisible group, and we face a lot of expectations

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Speaker 1: to eventually want to settle down or to find our soulmate,

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Speaker 1: both externally and internally as well. I would say, there

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Speaker 1: is still this general sense that being single is a

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Speaker 1: phase that we all want to get out of. It's

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Speaker 1: not forever, and what we should all be aiming for

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Speaker 1: is monogamy and a relationship, and that expectation becomes a

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Speaker 1: lot more pronounced than I would also say internalized. In

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Speaker 1: our twenties, we may begin to feel a lot of

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Speaker 1: shame or self stigma for not having someone, or we

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Speaker 1: feel drawn by into dating apps or serial dating to

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Speaker 1: tick that partnership off our list. That has been my

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Speaker 1: personal experience my last relationship. If you have listened to

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Speaker 1: me for a while, you'll know it left me very

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Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable, I would say, for a long time, and

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Speaker 1: I protected my peace a little too hard, and being

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Speaker 1: single has become a very comfortable part of my identity.

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Speaker 1: But some of that internalized misogyny, I would say, and

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Speaker 1: that shame and that pressure to settle down has definitely

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Speaker 1: been creeping in recently this episode, and I guess my

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Speaker 1: general thoughts on this was also really inspired by some

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Speaker 1: recent events that have happened in my life. I went

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Speaker 1: to a dinner party the other day for a very

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Speaker 1: good friend of mine, No shame to her. I love

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Speaker 1: her to bits, but I showed up at this party

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Speaker 1: and every single person there was in a relationship or

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Speaker 1: had attended with their partner, and it just made me

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Speaker 1: so aware of how alone I was, And maybe alone

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Speaker 1: isn't the best word. It just made me consider my

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Speaker 1: status as a single person and wonder whether I was

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Speaker 1: really actually missing out, or I was doing something wrong,

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Speaker 1: or I was in some way flawed. I've also just

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Speaker 1: encountered more and more conversations and questions from friends or

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Speaker 1: family or even acquaintances. The older I get, where that

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Speaker 1: looming question always seems to come up, how's your dating

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Speaker 1: life going? Is there anyone serious? And it feels weird

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Speaker 1: to always have the same answer, and yet I am

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Speaker 1: genuinely the happiest I have ever been in my life.

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Speaker 1: I think here's the thing I've realized. No one can

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Speaker 1: make you feel bad about something that you are comfortable with.

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Speaker 1: And let me tell you, society is going to try

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Speaker 1: and make you feel insecure about being single a million

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Speaker 1: different ways. It's in the movies and the media, we

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Speaker 1: can see, it's in our childhood experiences, in the misogyny

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Speaker 1: that we internalize, cultural norm societal expectations into personal relationships

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Speaker 1: and also some of the structural and economic challenges that

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Speaker 1: a company being a single person in this society. But

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Speaker 1: is it wrong to want a relationship? Is it wrong

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Speaker 1: to feel insecure about your relationship status? Does that, you know,

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Speaker 1: indicate that perhaps we're unhappy being alone, that somehow we

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Speaker 1: aren't fulfilled without someone in our lives. And maybe one

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Speaker 1: of the biggest questions of all, is my desire to

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Speaker 1: be with someone actually a sign that I need to

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Speaker 1: do more healing? Or am I only seeking a partnership

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Speaker 1: because that's what society expects because of the shame, because

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Speaker 1: of this whole social norm that I need to be

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Speaker 1: married and I need to have someone in my life.

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Speaker 1: A million thoughts, a million questions, those are the things,

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Speaker 1: those are the ideas that I really want to explore today.

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Speaker 1: And this is not an episode that is going to

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Speaker 1: scream in your face and claim you can't have a

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Speaker 1: relationship or that a partnership will limit you. Absolutely not.

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Speaker 1: What I really want to dive into is all the

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Speaker 1: ways that we subliminally and implicitly feel convinced that a

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Speaker 1: relationship is the only thing that will make us happy,

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Speaker 1: and that we are somehow less than without one. This

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Speaker 1: time in our lives is so sacred, and there is

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Speaker 1: a genuine science that points to the value of our

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Speaker 1: single years, and it's information that I really want to share,

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Speaker 1: and I feel like it's really worth knowing. The stigma

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Speaker 1: of being single is alive and well, but it's not

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Speaker 1: always other people who are making us feel bad about it.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes the people who have the greatest stigma and feeling

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Speaker 1: of discomfort towards our relationship status is ourselves. And when

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Speaker 1: we're in our twenties, there is absolutely no reason to

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Speaker 1: be feeling this way. So I really want to discuss

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Speaker 1: why we do feel that pressure, what it means to

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Speaker 1: feel stigma around your relationship status, is it wrong to

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Speaker 1: want a relationship status? And so many other questions in

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Speaker 1: this episode. So without further ado, let's dive into it

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Speaker 1: and unpack the stigma of being single in our twenties.

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Speaker 1: I've talked about this before, but I think that our

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Speaker 1: twenties are a real pivot decade where half the people

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Speaker 1: in this age group are settling down or they have

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Speaker 1: these very adult relationships, and the other half are kind

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Speaker 1: of stuck in this perpetual loop of bad dates and

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Speaker 1: failed situationships and dry spells. I can directly see this

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Speaker 1: in the people around me. We're on one side, I

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Speaker 1: have close friends who live with their partners and who

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Speaker 1: are talking about marriage and children. And on the other

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Speaker 1: side is people like me who feel woefully underprepared for

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Speaker 1: this next stage. Sometimes we feel like our identity is

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Speaker 1: tied to our relationship status, and we can't help but

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Speaker 1: notice and crave the type of comfort and security of

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Speaker 1: the people we see in these very happy relationships. I

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Speaker 1: don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It's not jealousy.

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Speaker 1: There's not something inherently wrong with us. We psychologically crave

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Speaker 1: what we don't have. It's scientifically proven, and it has

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Speaker 1: a very appropriate name. It's called the grass is greener syndrome.

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Speaker 1: And this can also be explained by the scarcity effect.

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Speaker 1: When we feel like something is desirable or worthwhile or rare,

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Speaker 1: such as a relationship, our subconscious mind makes us want

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Speaker 1: it more so, for example, when when everyone around us

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Speaker 1: has this beautiful partner, or when we feel like the

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Speaker 1: dating pool is slowly becoming a lot more limited and scarce,

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Speaker 1: such that the potential for a relationship is more rare,

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Speaker 1: we crave them more because its value in our mind

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Speaker 1: suddenly goes up, and that can really diminish our decision

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Speaker 1: making and our standards, because we do become desperate, we

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Speaker 1: do feel like we are racing against the clock. I

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Speaker 1: think there's also the fact that our society still very

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Speaker 1: much values the idea of monogamy and partnership. Being single

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Speaker 1: is not the norm, and as this amazing article put it,

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Speaker 1: it's more acceptable to be part of a couple, even

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Speaker 1: a dysfunctional one, than it is to be happy and

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Speaker 1: content by yourself. There's a lot to be said about

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Speaker 1: this and about where this comes from the origins of

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Speaker 1: this stigma. And if you're thinking that the use of

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Speaker 1: the word stigma is perhaps a little bit dramatic, you

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Speaker 1: may or may not be surprised by how much research

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Speaker 1: has actually been conducted into this rising trend. I think

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Speaker 1: this The term stigma is used pretty broadly in psychology

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Speaker 1: and in society to refer to negative attitudes towards someone

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Speaker 1: based on a particular characteristic or an attribute, and it's

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Speaker 1: also typically accompanied by false stereotypes such as I don't

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Speaker 1: know spinster or old maid or cat lady. All of

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Speaker 1: these stereotypes associated with singleness, particularly female singleness, really firmly

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Speaker 1: plant people who choose to be single as inherently unhappy,

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Speaker 1: as unsatisfied, or to be looked down upon. So there

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Speaker 1: is this amazing psychotherapist called Alison Abrams, and she has

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Speaker 1: done a lot of thinking about this, and she said

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Speaker 1: that single shaming is negatively judging somebody for not being

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Speaker 1: partnered up and not conforming to society's expectations to be

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Speaker 1: married or at least in a relationship by a certain age,

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Speaker 1: And it manifests in a lot of implicit judgments and

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Speaker 1: phrases that I'm sure we are probably familiar with. You know,

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Speaker 1: you must be so lonely. The right person is out

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Speaker 1: there for you. It's just a numbers game. You know,

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Speaker 1: once you get to thirty it becomes a lot worse,

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Speaker 1: or you know, you'll find someone eventually. When people make

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Speaker 1: these statements, it may sound like encouragement or sympathy, but

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Speaker 1: what they're really enforcing is that you kind of better

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Speaker 1: get a move on, because if you're not in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: there must be something inherently missing in your life. And

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Speaker 1: we can't fully believe that you are happy or secure

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Speaker 1: until you conform and until you find that puzzle piece,

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Speaker 1: I think it's and peity derives from this inherent belief

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Speaker 1: that you must be suffering or that you're experiencing some

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Speaker 1: grave misfortune. In a study conducted by Match Research has

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Speaker 1: found that of the common shaming phrases, thirty five percent

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Speaker 1: of single people were told that they would find someone soon,

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Speaker 1: twenty nine percent had heard that they must be lonely,

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Speaker 1: and thirty eight percent reported a general pity over their

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Speaker 1: relationship status. So why is that? Why do we still

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Speaker 1: face this implicit idea that in order to be happy

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Speaker 1: we have to be in love. We have seen a

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Speaker 1: big change recently accompanying the acceptability of singlehood, both in

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Speaker 1: attitudes and demographics, particularly amongst women. In the past, marriage

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Speaker 1: was one of the only ways to really gain social

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Speaker 1: power or even security. If you've read Pride and Prejudice

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Speaker 1: or you've seen the movie, you'll know that in miss Line,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm twenty seven, i have no money, i

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Speaker 1: have no prospects, I'm already a burden to my family,

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Speaker 1: and I'm frightened. And that's a pretty accurate depiction of

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Speaker 1: the choices of women in particular. Back in the day,

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Speaker 1: it was either marriage or it was poverty, and you know,

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Speaker 1: we can thank the suffragettes and first and second wave

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Speaker 1: feminism for kind of liberating us from that belief. But

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Speaker 1: as much as our society has experienced somewhat of a

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Speaker 1: cultural and sexual liberation in the last fifty years, it

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Speaker 1: does take generations for stigma and certain expectations to be eliminated.

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Speaker 1: There is still a typical, normalized script for how our

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Speaker 1: lives should run that at its core is focused on

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Speaker 1: obtaining partnership and starting a family. In some ways, this

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Speaker 1: is evolutionary, you know, partnership provided offspring which continued on

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Speaker 1: our genetics and the survival of our speed, and those

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Speaker 1: offspring were more likely to survive if there were two

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Speaker 1: people to take care of them. In other ways, it's

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Speaker 1: very cultural. Some you know, still consider women over the

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Speaker 1: age of thirty who were single to be left over,

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Speaker 1: and we implicitly do place couples or partnership on a

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Speaker 1: pedestal because they have met the blueprint of what our

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Speaker 1: society expects. They have done what they've been told to do,

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Speaker 1: which is to find each other and to hold on

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Speaker 1: to each other. And maybe the reason why there is

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Speaker 1: such an obvious pressure to even do this before thirty

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Speaker 1: is because of our cultural and our biological awareness of fertility.

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Speaker 1: There are so many justifications, but I think that a

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Speaker 1: biological explanation actually eliminates some of the societal responsibility for

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Speaker 1: this implicit stigma against single people. And we cannot talk

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Speaker 1: about this stigma without examining the psychology behind gender and misogyny.

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Speaker 1: Like most things in society, Like most stigma, single shaming

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Speaker 1: is not equally distributed. Think about the words used to

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Speaker 1: describe singleness past thirty. A woman is a spinster, a

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Speaker 1: man is a bachelor. And words are not empty constructs.

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Speaker 1: They contain an implied social message and a meaning, a

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Speaker 1: certain tone. Women tend to endure the most shame or

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Speaker 1: prejudice because of the emphasis on marriage and child rearing,

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Speaker 1: and we can understand this by looking at gender schema theory.

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Speaker 1: So gender schemer theory it was introduced in the nineteen

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Speaker 1: eighties by this amazing psychologist. Her name is Sandra bem

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Speaker 1: a Central reading you should go and look her up,

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Speaker 1: and this theory essentially says that the binary or the

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Speaker 1: suggested differences between male and female have become one of

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Speaker 1: the basic organizational structures of human society. Whereby men are

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Speaker 1: the breadwinners, the moneymakers, the leaders, the powerful sex and

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Speaker 1: women are the wives, they're the homemakers, they're the mothers.

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Speaker 1: As children, we learn about gender through these specific attributes

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Speaker 1: and we create gender schemers, And a schemer is essentially

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Speaker 1: a pattern of thought or behavior that's used to organize

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Speaker 1: categories or to simplify our interpretation of the world. If

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Speaker 1: you were born a girl, you're implicitly influenced by what

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Speaker 1: you observe, by how your behavior is corrected by the media.

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Speaker 1: You consume, the words of your peers and adults, the

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Speaker 1: behavior of your parents, so many things. You know. If

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Speaker 1: you were raised in a traditional culture, there may have

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Speaker 1: been very strict divisions between men and women. Women belonged

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Speaker 1: to the private sphere, to the home. They took care

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Speaker 1: of the household and they raised children, whilst men had

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Speaker 1: access to the public sphere. They worked outside the home

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Speaker 1: to support the family. And when we are raised in

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Speaker 1: this culture, which I think is every culture in some

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Speaker 1: way or another, we develop gender schema in line with

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Speaker 1: what we observe, and through this schema we develop an

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Speaker 1: understanding of what we can do to be a woman

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Speaker 1: or to be a man. Of what society expects from us,

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Speaker 1: and when you act in line with those expectations, your

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Speaker 1: behavior is reinforced. You are praised, you are told you're pretty,

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Speaker 1: you're told that you're good, such that you become conditioned

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Speaker 1: to embrace a certain gender identity and expression. And a

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Speaker 1: big part of the equation of being woman of that

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Speaker 1: identity that we learn is being a wife and being

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Speaker 1: a mother. And we often construct the identity of a

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Speaker 1: woman based on her relationship to others and her social role.

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Speaker 1: And because of those very early and consistent influences, it

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Speaker 1: does feel like a natural duty for you to live

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Speaker 1: up to those expectations, to fulfill that role. And who

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Speaker 1: are we without a husband, without a manie, without a child.

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Speaker 1: So we really feel shame around being single because we're

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Speaker 1: not living up to what we know is expected of us.

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Speaker 1: We're not fulfilling that role, that trope that has been

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Speaker 1: sold to us since we were children. It's also important

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Speaker 1: to examine the continuing and i'd say maintaining influence of

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Speaker 1: the media and television. The media, i would say, is

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Speaker 1: the main way that societal norms are reinforced. There's even

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Speaker 1: a whole new discipline in psychology known as media psychology

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Speaker 1: that looks into the impact of the media on our

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Speaker 1: perspective of the world and the role of online learning.

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Speaker 1: So there is this infamous study. If you're a psychology student,

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Speaker 1: you will definitely have come across this. But it found

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Speaker 1: that when children were exposed to, for example, violence on

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Speaker 1: television or violent video games, they were more likely to

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Speaker 1: be aggressive towards their peers because they believed it was

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Speaker 1: socially acceptable and they modeled their behavior on these displays.

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Speaker 1: And we can make that same connection with the presentation

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Speaker 1: of singleness as a concept in television and movies. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let me list a few movies for you. Bridget Jones's diary.

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Speaker 1: The proposal was Standardbile, a very good movie. I will say,

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Speaker 1: twenty seven Dresses, Ten Things I Hate About You, The

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Speaker 1: Devil Wears Prada. You want to know what all these

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Speaker 1: movies have in common. They all peddle a really familiar

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Speaker 1: narrative and storyline. There is a woman who is focused

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Speaker 1: on herself, who was successful, who was career driven, who

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Speaker 1: at many times is quite content being alone, but she

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Speaker 1: needs a boyfriend or a husband to complete her, to

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Speaker 1: tame her. And when she finds him she's happy, and

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Speaker 1: that's when the story kind of ends. Once you begin

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Speaker 1: to recognize that pattern, I think there's no wonder that

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Speaker 1: we feel less than if we aren't in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: A relationship, marriage it's presented as the end game. You know,

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Speaker 1: what more is there to a successful story, to a

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Speaker 1: happy ending, then a wedding than a ring. And if

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Speaker 1: that's not enough to reinforce the stigma of singleness, our

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Speaker 1: society also makes it much harder for those of us

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Speaker 1: who are not in relationships. I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: our cultural context and how our society operates is built

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Speaker 1: on the concept of the nuclear family, or at least

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Speaker 1: some form of partnership. You know, think about buying a

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Speaker 1: home these days, I think you need two incomes to

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Speaker 1: do that. So that economic security provided by marriage back

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Speaker 1: in the sixteen hundreds, it's still very much around. It's

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Speaker 1: just been repackaged and rebranded. You know. Some other examples insurance,

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Speaker 1: it's cheaper for couples, being married, is great for tax purposes.

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Speaker 1: And there's even been this term kind of coined for

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Speaker 1: those policies, called singalism, So the policy of making single

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Speaker 1: people pay more than couples for their basic needs. As

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Speaker 1: a way of kind of nudging people towards partnership through

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Speaker 1: this positive reinforcement, and as a way to kind of

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Speaker 1: make people feel like they have to conform and fit

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Speaker 1: into this box. I think when you look at all

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Speaker 1: those factors, there's no wonder that we feel terrible for

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Speaker 1: being alone. In so many ways, you know, from social

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Speaker 1: schemers to the media to economic security, society is actively

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Speaker 1: implying that if you are single, you are somehow not

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Speaker 1: really made to fit into this society. This is not acceptable,

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Speaker 1: and when we begin to internalize these beliefs, we no

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Speaker 1: longer need others to tell us that will never be

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Speaker 1: happy if alone, because we start to believe it ourselves

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Speaker 1: and apply that stigma in our own right. This is

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Speaker 1: known in psychology as self stigma in contrast to public stigma.

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Speaker 1: If we are exposed to enough conditioning and negative beliefs,

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Speaker 1: we begin to self regulate and we internalize that negative stereotype.

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Speaker 1: We internalize that belief that we should not be satisfied,

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Speaker 1: that we should be looking for someone, and that's where

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Speaker 1: a lot of the shame comes from. You know, I

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Speaker 1: haven't I really need to do a whole episode on this,

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Speaker 1: because I think that shame is such a powerful emotion,

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Speaker 1: and we feel shame when we feel like we have

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Speaker 1: violated a social norm and it makes us feel ourselves

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Speaker 1: in a negative light or feel like we are flawed

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Speaker 1: for not fulfilling some kind of social duty or expectation.

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Speaker 1: And our proneness to this shame. It's influenced by a

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Speaker 1: lot of factors. But according to researchers from the University

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Speaker 1: of Bern in Germany, they did this really interesting study

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Speaker 1: where they found that younger people in particular between the

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Speaker 1: ages of eighteen and twenty nine and women as well,

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Speaker 1: are much more impacted by the consequences and the experiences

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Speaker 1: of shame. And I think that is the target audience

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Speaker 1: for the stigma around being single women between eighteen and

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Speaker 1: twenty nine. And as much as you may, you know,

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Speaker 1: really love your single era, you're embracing your alone time,

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Speaker 1: You're really loving that you can put effort into your

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Speaker 1: friendships and your hobbies and your dreams, sometimes we can't

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Speaker 1: ignore that little voice in the back of our head

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Speaker 1: that is waiting for the right person to come along,

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Speaker 1: that is dreaming of love and dreaming of partnership. So

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Speaker 1: does that kind of mean that we've succumbed to public stigma,

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Speaker 1: and that we've internalized the belief that we need to

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Speaker 1: be in a relationship. I guess, is it wrong to

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Speaker 1: still want to be with someone? Is it wrong to

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Speaker 1: be in a relationship, or is that just an acknowledgment

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Speaker 1: that we do feel shame. I really want to unpack that,

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Speaker 1: because I think that that is really fascinating. I think

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Speaker 1: that we can both recognize that there is a certain

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Speaker 1: social and public stigma around singleness and still want to

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Speaker 1: experience love and partnership. So we're going to discuss all

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Speaker 1: of that and more after this shortbreak. Wanting to be

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Speaker 1: in a relationship does not mean that you are abandoning yourself.

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Speaker 1: I read that the other day, and I didn't really

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Speaker 1: know how I felt about it. I think when you

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Speaker 1: are someone who is single, especially in your twenties, in

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Speaker 1: order to kind of replace that cognitive dissonance of perhaps

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Speaker 1: wanting love and not being able to find it, we

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Speaker 1: can create a very apathetic exterior.

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Speaker 2: Maybe this is familiar to you, you know, that pattern

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Speaker 2: of telling your friends, you know, I don't need anyone,

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Speaker 2: and men are trash, and lover is a lie, and

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Speaker 2: I'm never settling down and perhaps that's true and power

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Speaker 2: to you.

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Speaker 1: But what I've personally found is that deep down we

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Speaker 1: kind of know we don't believe it, We kind of

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Speaker 1: know that we do want to conform to that narrative.

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Speaker 1: It's really an armor that we use to protect us

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Speaker 1: from being hurt. Again, if we appear detached to others,

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Speaker 1: perhaps we can convince ourselves and that we are, and

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Speaker 1: we know that we can protect ourselves from being hurt.

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Speaker 1: It can also be seen as kind of this protest

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Speaker 1: against society's obsession with partnership and monogamy and that repetitive

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Speaker 1: narrative that love is the point of living. But does

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Speaker 1: craving that relationship, that partnership, does that inherently mean that

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Speaker 1: you're not happy alone? Or is it something else? I

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Speaker 1: want to discuss that because and firstly, I think it's

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Speaker 1: absolutely okay and in fact, highly normal if you do

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Speaker 1: dream of finding your person. I know that we have

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Speaker 1: spoken a lot about the stigma to conform and the

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Speaker 1: societal expectations, but sometimes it does just come down to

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Speaker 1: some super rudimentary basic neuroscience. Humans rely subconsciously on others

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Speaker 1: for security, We rely on them for recognition and love,

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Speaker 1: and the presence of these things in our lives brings

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Speaker 1: us an important psychological sense of comfort and safety. It

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Speaker 1: kind of all derives from our innate human urge for belongingness,

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Speaker 1: and when we look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, for example,

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Speaker 1: belongingness and intimate relationships are a critical psychological need that

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Speaker 1: is required to be satisfied before we can reach self actualization,

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Speaker 1: and a lack of belongingness, or a failure to maintain

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Speaker 1: at least a minimum amount of lasting, positive and significant

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Speaker 1: relationships can have an impact on our mental well being

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Speaker 1: but also our ability to achieve our higher selves. There

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Speaker 1: was this really amazing article in Psychology Today which I'll

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Speaker 1: link in the show notes, and it really explains this

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Speaker 1: quite well. It says that the need to belong goes

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Speaker 1: beyond the need for superficial social ties or casual sexual connections.

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Speaker 1: We want a profound bond, and when we feel that

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Speaker 1: that is absent, we inherently feel like something is lacking

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Speaker 1: from our lives and we feel unhappy. I also think,

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Speaker 1: let's not get ourselves here. Love feels great. Scientifically, of course,

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Speaker 1: we can talk about oxytocin, we can talk about zo

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Speaker 1: For me, We can talk about serotonin, but it just

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Speaker 1: feels really nice. It's also not the only thing that

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Speaker 1: feels really nice, and it's not the only thing that

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Speaker 1: can fulfill that psychological need for belongingness. There are so

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Speaker 1: many other aspects of our lives that fit that profile,

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Speaker 1: that match that requirement, you know, deep meaningful friendships and

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Speaker 1: familial closeness and shared jokes and memories and platonic soulmates.

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Speaker 1: I think the problem with desiring a relationship comes when

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Speaker 1: we implicitly or unconsciously believe that a partner will replace

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Speaker 1: our need for that more complex, diverse sense of belonging

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Speaker 1: for example, you know, using a relationship as a band

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Speaker 1: aid for loneliness. I think in some instances we do

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Speaker 1: use romantic partners as kind of this symbolic proxy coping

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Speaker 1: mechanism or distraction. And when that occurs, I think we

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Speaker 1: see the greatest correlation to things like codependency, but also

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Speaker 1: identity fusion. Identity fusion it normally relates to in group loyalty,

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Speaker 1: but we can also examine it on an individual level.

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Speaker 1: So it's this kind of visc psychological sense of a

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Speaker 1: oneness with another person and what that can create and

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Speaker 1: What that can cause is for us to entirely eliminate

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Speaker 1: our own identity and sense of self in devotion to

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Speaker 1: what is best for others or in this case, what

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Speaker 1: is best for our relationship and what is best for

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Speaker 1: our partner. When we feel a sense of unease in

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Speaker 1: ourself or loneliness, perhaps a lack of personal fulfillment, we

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Speaker 1: may find that we are more likely to choose people

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Speaker 1: who can aid in that insecurity, who can make us

433
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: feel loved, And the same can be said for low

434
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:42,480
Speaker 1: self esteem. When we don't feel confident enough, we use

435
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 1: the validation of others, including love and attraction, as an

436
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,960
Speaker 1: alternative to the internal validation that we lack, and we

437
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,800
Speaker 1: can become dependent on that feeling. I always think that

438
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,720
Speaker 1: this kind of offers an explanation for those people who

439
00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,880
Speaker 1: jump from one relationship to another as a coping mechanism

440
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 1: rather than doing some of that deeper dirty work. That

441
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,520
Speaker 1: and I think the combined stigma of being single offers

442
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:13,720
Speaker 1: a pretty accurate explanation for why we stay in dead

443
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 1: end relationships, or why we feel this urge to just

444
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,520
Speaker 1: like find someone and date them and be with them

445
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: even when they don't actually enhance our lives. So that

446
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,320
Speaker 1: kind of leads me to the next question. In a

447
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:33,280
Speaker 1: society where marriage and monogamy are very enviable and they

448
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 1: are placed on this pedestal, do we have to be

449
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:40,560
Speaker 1: completely healed before pursuing a relationship to kind of ensure

450
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 1: that we're doing so for the right reasons, not just

451
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:47,120
Speaker 1: to meet some cultural or societal norm. I have a

452
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,320
Speaker 1: lot of opinions on this because I think there are

453
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:53,240
Speaker 1: two kind of camps or schools of thought. The first

454
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 1: is that you need to heal completely before entering into

455
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,760
Speaker 1: a new relationship, and the second is that a re

456
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:04,240
Speaker 1: relationship in itself can be healing. I do believe that

457
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:07,920
Speaker 1: what you don't address when you are single, particularly around

458
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,760
Speaker 1: attachment issues and trust and understanding your values and standards,

459
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:16,479
Speaker 1: those conflicts and those kind of problems will show up

460
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:19,360
Speaker 1: in your next relationship. But that doesn't mean that you

461
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:24,200
Speaker 1: need to be completely perfect to pursue healthy connection. You

462
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:27,120
Speaker 1: just need to be cognizant of what triggers you, of

463
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:31,760
Speaker 1: what upsets you, and how you typically react to those triggers.

464
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,400
Speaker 1: For example, a common one we see with an anxious

465
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:38,080
Speaker 1: attachment style is a fear of abandonment, and that may

466
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 1: manifest in extreme anxiety and pulling away at the slightest

467
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 1: sign that someone is planning to leave you, even if

468
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:50,120
Speaker 1: it's as innocent as not replying to your messages straight away.

469
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,200
Speaker 1: I was actually talking to a good friend of mine

470
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,080
Speaker 1: about this the other day. We've both definitely been through

471
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 1: the ringer, I would say, with a series of very

472
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,040
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable men, and as a result, I think both

473
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 1: of us kind of have this tendency to have one

474
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,480
Speaker 1: foot out the door whenever we enter into a new relationship.

475
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: For example, if you follow me on Instagram, you'll know this.

476
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,040
Speaker 1: But I've been dating a bit recently, and I've been

477
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,840
Speaker 1: going on a few dates with this guy and one

478
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,880
Speaker 1: night he was like, just letting you know I'm going

479
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,120
Speaker 1: to be really busy for the next few weeks. And

480
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 1: my first thought was like, liar, I know what that means.

481
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:30,200
Speaker 1: And my second thought was like run ice amount block

482
00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: his number, which is an entirely disproportionate response to the situation.

483
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:38,360
Speaker 1: And I think because I understand this now, I was

484
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:43,400
Speaker 1: able to apply rationality and recognize that this is a

485
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 1: learned behavior from myself. It doesn't mean that I am

486
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:51,280
Speaker 1: not deserving of a relationship. It doesn't mean that I

487
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:55,880
Speaker 1: am somehow flawed or not healed or not working on myself.

488
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 1: It's just something that you have to be aware of.

489
00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 1: You know, you can want a real relationship and still

490
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,960
Speaker 1: be in the process of healing as long as you

491
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:09,200
Speaker 1: are a pursuing connections for the right reasons, not because

492
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:14,280
Speaker 1: of your self stigma or public stigma, and if you

493
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 1: understand how your past experiences may create a pattern of

494
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:23,520
Speaker 1: behavior that is self sabotage. But there's also this question

495
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 1: of standards right because as much as we do feel

496
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,960
Speaker 1: the pressure to settled down from literally every direction and

497
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:34,480
Speaker 1: we want to experience love, being able to identify whether

498
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:37,560
Speaker 1: that person is right for you or whether you're just

499
00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 1: settling because they are the first one to come along

500
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:45,720
Speaker 1: is crucial because I truly believe it is a thousand

501
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:50,040
Speaker 1: times better being single than being in the wrong relationship.

502
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 1: The wrong relationship can do so much harm, but deliberately

503
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:59,360
Speaker 1: choosing to build a healthy relationship with yourself or to

504
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:04,600
Speaker 1: be self partnered, that really pays off in dividends. Being single,

505
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,200
Speaker 1: it can be stressful and it can be shameful at

506
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 1: times because of what we've learned and what we've been taught,

507
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 1: But so it can being with the wrong person or

508
00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:18,320
Speaker 1: in a dysfunctional relationship. Maybe we've all heard the statistic

509
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 1: that the happiest population group in the world is single women.

510
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:26,440
Speaker 1: But I think singleness offers so much more than just happiness.

511
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,480
Speaker 1: You know. A study published in the Journal of Marriage

512
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:33,040
Speaker 1: and Family. It found that single people exercise more and

513
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 1: they are overall more physically healthy. And another study found

514
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 1: that single people have a more diverse social circle, They

515
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 1: are more attentive to their friends, they find that their

516
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 1: friendships are more meaningful. And this one was really surprising,

517
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 1: but single people also have the lowest rates of credit

518
00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:57,640
Speaker 1: card debt, really interesting compared to married couples and couples

519
00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,320
Speaker 1: with children, and we don't hear about those benefits. All

520
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,800
Speaker 1: we've been told to focus on is how lonely we

521
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:05,800
Speaker 1: should feel, how happy a relationship will make us, how

522
00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:09,200
Speaker 1: much stronger we will be with someone by our side,

523
00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:12,200
Speaker 1: And it seems that this may actually be a bit

524
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:15,520
Speaker 1: of a fallacy. I'm going to say it one more time.

525
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 1: No one can make you feel bad about something that

526
00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:23,120
Speaker 1: you feel secure in. And if you're feeling the pressure

527
00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:26,520
Speaker 1: to settle down, just remember that there is going to

528
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:29,760
Speaker 1: be a time in your life when maybe you are married,

529
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,080
Speaker 1: or you're in a long term relationship, you live with

530
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,400
Speaker 1: this person, you see them every day. Maybe you have

531
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,839
Speaker 1: kids and they're sticky and they cry and they turn

532
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,799
Speaker 1: into children or teenagers who hate you, and you're going

533
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,799
Speaker 1: to make the same you know, Juni casserole every night.

534
00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:49,120
Speaker 1: And in those moments, you are going to look back

535
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:52,520
Speaker 1: at this time in your life right now and wish

536
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 1: that you could have just one more day of being single,

537
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 1: one more day of being alone and getting to sleep

538
00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:03,720
Speaker 1: in your own bed, by yourself and only being responsible

539
00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:07,840
Speaker 1: for you. And that time is right now. That time,

540
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:10,640
Speaker 1: that one day you're going to look back on and

541
00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:13,600
Speaker 1: be nostalgic for and wish that you were back there.

542
00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:17,719
Speaker 1: That is right now, so cherish it. Additionally, when that

543
00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:22,759
Speaker 1: love comes along, you will go into it so much stronger,

544
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,920
Speaker 1: with such a better sense of yourself. If you maintain

545
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:29,640
Speaker 1: your standards and you seek to elevate your life without

546
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:33,239
Speaker 1: a partner, and if that love doesn't come along, you'll

547
00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:36,640
Speaker 1: feel more confident in your own abilities. You will have

548
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,440
Speaker 1: created a life that you love, and you will be

549
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:46,160
Speaker 1: okay with whatever shame or stigma or pressure society throws

550
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:50,959
Speaker 1: your way as much as these social influences, both those

551
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:53,640
Speaker 1: close to us in terms of our family and our friends,

552
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:58,240
Speaker 1: but also those more macro social influences like the media,

553
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:02,120
Speaker 1: like television, try to convince us that we are only

554
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,640
Speaker 1: valuable if we are in a relationship, that that is

555
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 1: like the hallmark of happiness. We all can kind of

556
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,440
Speaker 1: recognize that maybe that's not true, that maybe that's not

557
00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:16,279
Speaker 1: something that everyone aspires for, and that a life is

558
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:19,640
Speaker 1: just as beautiful on your own, in fact, sometimes maybe

559
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:22,920
Speaker 1: even more so, and it's also a lot more beautiful

560
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 1: than if you were to conform and settle down just

561
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:31,120
Speaker 1: because of that self and public stigma. That's an important

562
00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:35,200
Speaker 1: thing to remember, especially when we do feel that implicit

563
00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 1: shame bubbles to the surface and we do feel like

564
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: we have to just pick someone and be with them

565
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: for the rest of our life. No, no, that's totally

566
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:46,359
Speaker 1: not what we should do. We are still so young.

567
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,919
Speaker 1: But also life has so much more to offer than marriage,

568
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,879
Speaker 1: and so much more to offer than partnership, and we

569
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:58,120
Speaker 1: should value that just as highly as those things. We

570
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:02,920
Speaker 1: should value the to adventure and explore and be alone

571
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:06,440
Speaker 1: and know ourselves just as much as we value the

572
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,280
Speaker 1: concept of monogamy. I hope that if you are someone

573
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,600
Speaker 1: who is single and maybe you're feeling a little bit

574
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,799
Speaker 1: down about it, maybe you're feeling like somehow you are

575
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 1: less than that there's something wrong with you, that this

576
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:20,319
Speaker 1: kind of helps you out. I hope you understand better

577
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:23,520
Speaker 1: now why it is you feel that way. It's not

578
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:27,080
Speaker 1: your fault. It's not because you are innately flawed. It's

579
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:32,120
Speaker 1: because of this huge, massive construction around the idea of

580
00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:34,719
Speaker 1: singleness and also the idea of partnership. It was so

581
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,839
Speaker 1: important to me to do this episode. I think it's

582
00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:41,239
Speaker 1: something that I personally have been thinking about a lot

583
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:45,360
Speaker 1: because of like the context and kind of my social relationships.

584
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,440
Speaker 1: So I hope you found it just as valuable as

585
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,760
Speaker 1: I did. I hope it helped you out. As always,

586
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:52,920
Speaker 1: if there is someone in your life who needs to

587
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 1: hear this episode, who maybe going through a bit of

588
00:37:56,640 --> 00:38:00,600
Speaker 1: self stigma or shame at the moment, please do feel

589
00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 1: free to share it along get them to listen. Also,

590
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,239
Speaker 1: if you feel called to do so, please feel free

591
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 1: to leave a five star review wherever you are listening

592
00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:14,520
Speaker 1: right now. I read every single one of them. They

593
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: really make my day. Also, also, oh my god, so

594
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:23,080
Speaker 1: many alsos. I have a Patreon coming out in two weeks.

595
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:25,680
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about it more on next week's episode,

596
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:29,160
Speaker 1: but keep your eye out. So many of you have

597
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:32,360
Speaker 1: been asking of ways that you can support me. That

598
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:36,640
Speaker 1: is so beautiful and meaningful, and I'm so grateful that

599
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:40,239
Speaker 1: you guys value what I'm doing. So keep your ears

600
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:44,640
Speaker 1: out and follow me on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast

601
00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:48,120
Speaker 1: to be the first to know when things like that happen,

602
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:50,439
Speaker 1: or if you want to suggest a topic, if there's

603
00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:53,120
Speaker 1: something you're going through and you want to hear some

604
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 1: of the psychology behind it, follow me over there and

605
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:58,960
Speaker 1: shoot me a message. I love hearing from you guys,

606
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,880
Speaker 1: as all always. We will be back next week with

607
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 1: another episode, and remember being single is not a crime.

608
00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:10,360
Speaker 1: You are going to be okay. I will talk to

609
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:10,719
Speaker 1: you soon