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Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't

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Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift.

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Speaker 2: If we don't know something about ourselves at this point

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Speaker 2: in our life, it's probably because it's uncomfortable to know.

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Speaker 2: If you can die before you die, then you can

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Speaker 2: really live. There's a wisdom at death's door. I thought

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Speaker 2: I was insane. Yeah, and I didn't know what to

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Speaker 2: do because there was no internet. I don't know, man,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I feel like everything is hard.

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Speaker 1: Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. I'm a human first

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Speaker 1: and a licensed therapist second. And right now I'm inviting

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Speaker 1: you into conversations that I hope encourage you to become

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Speaker 1: more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, and the

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Speaker 1: world around you.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi guys, and welcome to

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Speaker 2: a new episode of that You Need Therapy Podcast. My

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Speaker 2: name is Kat. I am the host and so glad

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Speaker 2: you are here today. Quick reminder before we get into

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Speaker 2: the episode that although this podcast is hosted by a therapist,

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Speaker 2: it does not serve as a replacement or substitute for

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Speaker 2: any actual mental health services. However, we always hope that

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Speaker 2: it can help you in some way wherever you are

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Speaker 2: the day that you were listening to it, or maybe later. Now,

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Speaker 2: today's episode is inspired by something that happened recently and

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Speaker 2: something that I talked about with my current therapist, and

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Speaker 2: it actually sparked something that a previous therapist has had

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Speaker 2: said to me. So I want to start this episode

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Speaker 2: by asking two questions. Have you ever had a consequence

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Speaker 2: thrown at you for not turning a blind eye? Or

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Speaker 2: have you ever been punished for telling a secret that

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Speaker 2: you never should have been asked to keep? Now, the

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Speaker 2: thing that I was reminded that a therapist told me

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Speaker 2: years ago was that I am the kind of person

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Speaker 2: who holds up a mirror to the people around me.

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Speaker 2: And she said, this is a really special quality and

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Speaker 2: one that's very beneficial, especially to you as a therapist. However,

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Speaker 2: not everybody wants to look in that mirror you're holding up.

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Speaker 2: And I sat on this for a really long time,

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Speaker 2: and I remember I took notes on it after the session,

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Speaker 2: which I went to go find, but I cannot find

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Speaker 2: because I probably deleted them because I am constantly having

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Speaker 2: issues with having no storage in my phone, so I

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Speaker 2: deleted a bunch of stuff recently I think I must

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Speaker 2: have deleted that note. I now have Google Photos, so

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Speaker 2: hopefully that will help clear some storage and it won't

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Speaker 2: happen again. But what I'm really trying to say is

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Speaker 2: I don't know what we were talking about. I really

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Speaker 2: don't know what it was that I was bringing up

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Speaker 2: that day, but I imagine it was something about being frustrated

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Speaker 2: with someone, or because someone got mad at me for

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Speaker 2: being honest, or becoming the bad guy for saying something

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Speaker 2: that other people are probably thinking and just afraid to say.

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Speaker 2: These scenarios can make you feel crazy. How can you

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Speaker 2: be bad for telling the truth? I thought that line

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Speaker 2: was bad. Line is something we are taught not to

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Speaker 2: do as children. And I imagine there are some of

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Speaker 2: you listening that are like, wait, I've felt this before.

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Speaker 2: I have felt that feeling, the fire shooting out of

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Speaker 2: my ears, feeling when you get blamed for refusing not

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Speaker 2: to turn a blind eye or for not sweeping something

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Speaker 2: under the rug, when you didn't do the thing, but

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Speaker 2: you are exposing it. Chances are, in these instances, what

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Speaker 2: you didn't do is follow the implicit family rules. Those

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Speaker 2: family rules. That family can be your family of origin,

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Speaker 2: it can be a friend group, it can be a

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Speaker 2: work team, it can be any kind of system like that.

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Speaker 2: And what implicit rules are is they are the unspoken rules,

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Speaker 2: so rules that kind of most of the time keep

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Speaker 2: boundaries how the system wants to keep them. A lot

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Speaker 2: of times when it's dysfunctional, they're pretty rigid, or often

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Speaker 2: they can be the opposite of that really really really use.

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Speaker 2: But these rules are things that nobody is writing down

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Speaker 2: on a list or telling you. It's things like we

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Speaker 2: just know that we don't stand up to dad, we

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Speaker 2: don't talk about our feelings, we don't tell outsiders what's

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Speaker 2: going on inside the house, and we show up for

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Speaker 2: family no matter what. We show it for people, no

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Speaker 2: matter what they did. We will give whatever we have.

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Speaker 2: You can't say no. And when the systems that are

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Speaker 2: involved are dysfunctional, when you throw a wrench in their

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Speaker 2: sense of order, when you go against these rules, it

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Speaker 2: usually does not go well, even if their sense of

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Speaker 2: order is disordered itself, because it's easier to push the

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Speaker 2: one going against the grain out than for the majority

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Speaker 2: of humans to change. After all, most people don't really

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Speaker 2: like change. And if you're identifying with this experience, then

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Speaker 2: chances are you've experienced being a scapegoat. What is a scapegoat, Well,

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Speaker 2: it's one of the family roles that come up in

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Speaker 2: dysfunctional families. And we've talked about this on an episode

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Speaker 2: before in more depth, but I'm going to go over

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Speaker 2: what those other roles are. So the other family roles

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Speaker 2: include one the hero. This is the golden child. They

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Speaker 2: can do no wrong. Usually they are very high achieving

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Speaker 2: and they because of that, get a lot of praise

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Speaker 2: and positive attention and affirmation from their family and those

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Speaker 2: around the family. And that can look really awesome. It

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Speaker 2: can look like a really great place to be in. However,

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Speaker 2: it can also come with a lot of anxiety. It

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Speaker 2: can come with a lot of fear and pressure. They

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Speaker 2: end up making a lot of decisions that will make

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Speaker 2: the family or system happy instead of what feels authentic

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Speaker 2: and true to them. Next, we have the mascot. So

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Speaker 2: the mascot is the sibling at the dinner table that

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Speaker 2: cracks the tension with a sarcastic comment or a joke.

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Speaker 2: They keep things from exploding by diverting attention, and they

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Speaker 2: use humor and entertainment to deflect or sue a lot

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Speaker 2: of the discomfort of the chaos in that system. Then

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Speaker 2: we have the lost child. This is the kid that

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Speaker 2: just kind of gets left in the dust, and they

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Speaker 2: tend to go with the flow and just go along

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Speaker 2: with the order that everything else is in to not

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Speaker 2: create any more chaos. They stay small, they stay unseen,

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Speaker 2: they stay unheard. It's better to be out of the way,

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Speaker 2: and parents can often see them as the easy child,

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Speaker 2: but often they just lose sight of their needs because

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Speaker 2: the need to keep the peace becomes more important. Okay,

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Speaker 2: then we have the play cater. This kid is kind

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Speaker 2: of like the fixer. They get brought into a lot

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Speaker 2: of stuff that isn't theirs because they can be a

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Speaker 2: voice of reason and it can feel really good to

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Speaker 2: be a play cater because you feel needed. But in

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Speaker 2: this role there's also a lot of pressure to manage

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Speaker 2: other people's chaos, and they can be brought into parent

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Speaker 2: issues and sometimes can serve as the surrogate spouse, which

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Speaker 2: is a child that then takes on a lot of

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Speaker 2: them emotional responsibilities of one of the parents for the

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Speaker 2: other parent, which is not ideal for somebody who is

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Speaker 2: supposed to be a kid and is supposed to look

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Speaker 2: to their parents to help them get their needs met

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Speaker 2: versus helping their parents get their needs met. And then lastly,

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Speaker 2: we have the scapegoat. So the scapegoat is often seen

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Speaker 2: as the rebel. They can get labeled as the bad kid,

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Speaker 2: the troublemaker. And when I think of a scapegoat, I

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Speaker 2: think of someone with like purple spiked hair and a

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Speaker 2: studded leather jacket. And while that can be true, what's

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Speaker 2: more true about a scapegoat is the simple fact that

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Speaker 2: they are just different. How are they different? Well, at

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Speaker 2: some point, the scapegoat refuses to play the game that

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Speaker 2: everyone else is playing. A scapegoat is what we like

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Speaker 2: to call a truth teller. They say the thing that

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Speaker 2: no one else is willing to say and that no

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Speaker 2: one else wants them to say. They bring the family

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Speaker 2: secrets out. And while the family usually doesn't like this

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Speaker 2: now because they offer and feel different from the rest

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Speaker 2: of the family, this gape goo often feels like there's

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Speaker 2: something wrong with them, and to confirm that, they are

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Speaker 2: usually the kid that gets dropped off in treatment or

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Speaker 2: is forced to go to see a therapist, while the

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Speaker 2: rest of the family just sits back and waits for

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Speaker 2: them to get their act together. They are what is

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Speaker 2: also called the identified patient in the family a lot

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Speaker 2: of times, which sounds bad, but honestly can be the

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Speaker 2: best thing that ever happens to them because it is

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Speaker 2: here when they end up going to therapy, or they

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Speaker 2: go to treatment, or they go somewhere where they're expressing

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Speaker 2: the experience that they're having, that they can start to

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Speaker 2: see that maybe they are the outlier in their family.

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Speaker 2: But it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with them.

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Speaker 2: It means that there might be something very, very very

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Speaker 2: right with them. However, this is no bueno for the family,

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Speaker 2: and the family does not send them to treatment or

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Speaker 2: send them to get in quotes fixed because they want

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Speaker 2: them to see what I just said. They don't want

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Speaker 2: to see that. They want them to be again the

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Speaker 2: identified patient. They are the focus. So if we can

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Speaker 2: focus on that issue that being the problem, we don't

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Speaker 2: have to look at our own and we can hide

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Speaker 2: our own. The family system thrives off of the ability

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Speaker 2: to push chaos onto the scapegoat. The scapegoat is a

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Speaker 2: form of protection for the family. As long as we

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Speaker 2: can blame them and push blame on them or use

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Speaker 2: them as a distraction, we don't have to look at

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Speaker 2: our own issues. Therefore, the responsibility of taking ownership and

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Speaker 2: changing and making things right and doing what is right

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Speaker 2: and healthy does not belong to us. It can serve

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Speaker 2: as a way to believe the delusion that the family

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Speaker 2: is healthier than they really are. It's the whole. It's

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Speaker 2: not us, it's them. If they would just X, we

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Speaker 2: wouldn't have all these problems. A general example of this,

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Speaker 2: it would be like if my teenage son didn't have

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Speaker 2: a substance abuse problem, then our marriage issues never would

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Speaker 2: have happened. We were so in love, me and my husband,

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Speaker 2: such a perfect pair, but the stress of the problems

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Speaker 2: that arose with our son war on us until we

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Speaker 2: just couldn't take it anymore. Now, in reality, maybe the

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Speaker 2: substance abuse was a way to give a big fu

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Speaker 2: to the lie that he was living with the perfect,

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Speaker 2: ideal parents. Maybe his dad was never home and always working,

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Speaker 2: and maybe his mom leaned on him a lot for

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Speaker 2: emotional support and because his father was always away. And

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Speaker 2: will never know if this is true or not, because

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Speaker 2: it's made up scenario and because the family does not

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Speaker 2: want you to know this, but maybe the kid was

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Speaker 2: tired of being and stressed out from being possibly the

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Speaker 2: serious spouse to the mom. So what do you do?

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Speaker 2: What do you do if you feel like you're in

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Speaker 2: this position, or if you feel like you constantly get

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Speaker 2: put in this position and you keep finding yourself as

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Speaker 2: the bad guy or the outlier? What do you do

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Speaker 2: if you feel like you're in this position, or if

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Speaker 2: you feel like you constantly get put in this position

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Speaker 2: and you keep finding yourself as the bad guy or

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Speaker 2: the outlier. So one, it's super helpful to recognize it.

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Speaker 2: Always awareness is the first step and a lot of

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Speaker 2: these processes. But then I want to bring you back

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Speaker 2: to what I was saying about my therapist, what she

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Speaker 2: said to me years ago. I'm the kind of person

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Speaker 2: who holds a mirror up to the people around me.

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Speaker 2: And while that can be really great in some instances,

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Speaker 2: not everybody is willing and wants to look in that mirror.

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Speaker 2: Not everybody wants to know the truth, and not everybody

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Speaker 2: is willing to listen to it. And one thing I

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Speaker 2: know for certain is we cannot control other people. And

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Speaker 2: as much as I would love to control them, and

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Speaker 2: as much as I would like to ignore the fact

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Speaker 2: that I can't, just trying to continue to do that

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Speaker 2: is going to only impact my dysfunction. It's only going

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Speaker 2: to create more dysfunction in my relationships to others and myself.

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Speaker 2: So we very well might not be able to stop

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Speaker 2: our family, friends, coworkers, etc. From avoiding the truth as

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Speaker 2: much as it drives you crazy. You might not be

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Speaker 2: able to ever do that, and you might not be

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Speaker 2: able to create healthier systems and the systems that you've

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Speaker 2: been caught in. But what you can do as an

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Speaker 2: adult is you can choose the systems you engage in.

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Speaker 2: And we also get to choose and decide who we

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Speaker 2: want to tell our truth to. Who are the people

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Speaker 2: you can share truth with, people who are safe, who

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Speaker 2: can hold responsibility, who are capable of pulling the skeletons

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Speaker 2: out of the closet. It's a lesson that I'm actually

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Speaker 2: still learning. And like I said, this all came about

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Speaker 2: because of a recent conversation I was having with my

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Speaker 2: current therapist that brought up the memories from my last one.

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Speaker 2: And it came up recently because I was on a

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Speaker 2: girl's trip to the beach. We went to Seaside and

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Speaker 2: we had a horrible, horrendous experience at one of my

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Speaker 2: now old favorite restaurants, which is very sad for me

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Speaker 2: because I really love this restaurant and I will never

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Speaker 2: be going back there. And I'm not going to tell

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Speaker 2: the whole story because it's kind of long and it's

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Speaker 2: not important to know all the details. But basically what

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Speaker 2: happened was one of my friends had an issue with

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Speaker 2: her meal. Not a big deal. Restaurants make mistakes all

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Speaker 2: of the time. Restaurants are run by humans, so it

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Speaker 2: only makes sense that they're going to make mistakes. However,

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Speaker 2: when the issue was brought to management, we were treated

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Speaker 2: and our waitress, who was an angel, was treated in

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Speaker 2: a way that I will never understand and I don't

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Speaker 2: want to understand because it's doesn't make sense. I can't

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Speaker 2: understand it because you can't make it make sense. It

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Speaker 2: was horrendous, and I was ranting about this experience to

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Speaker 2: my therapist and I was saying things like why can't

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Speaker 2: I get over this? Like I am so frustrated and

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Speaker 2: it is bothering so much. The manager was such a jerk,

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Speaker 2: and I just want to yell about it, and I

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Speaker 2: want everybody to get on this train with me and

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Speaker 2: get as mad as I am and I was especially

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Speaker 2: angry with how our waitress was treated. Yes, it was

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Speaker 2: very frustrating for us to be treated that way, but

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Speaker 2: what was more maddening was how this person would blatantly

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Speaker 2: treat their own staff in front of us, and like,

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Speaker 2: let it be known and seen. And again the waitress

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Speaker 2: was an angel. And my therapist said, when I'm saying

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Speaker 2: they were like, why does this bother me so much?

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Speaker 2: She's like, well, what does this remind you of? And

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Speaker 2: it reminded me of a lot of things. And I'm

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Speaker 2: not going to get into all of those things. I'm

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Speaker 2: not gonna name all those things, but basically it brought

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Speaker 2: up of a lot of experiences where I was feeling

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Speaker 2: like I wasn't being heard, or no one wanted to

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Speaker 2: hear me, or I became the problem because I brought

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Speaker 2: up an issue that I was seeing, or I spoke

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Speaker 2: up about something that didn't feel good, and then I'm

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Speaker 2: in trouble for acknowledging that. And it felt like, in

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Speaker 2: that moment for a second that it was like anytime

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Speaker 2: this would happen, anytime I spoke up for the truth,

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Speaker 2: or anybody time I said the truth, I would get

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Speaker 2: in trouble. But that's not entirely true. That's where we

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Speaker 2: do this all or nothing think thing. And it's not

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Speaker 2: true that every time I told the truth I got

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Speaker 2: in trouble. But it is true that I became the

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Speaker 2: problem if I talked about the problem to certain people.

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Speaker 2: Now what this means is I have to reconcile the

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Speaker 2: fact that justice will not always be served in this world,

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Speaker 2: which is one thing that I will struggle with for

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Speaker 2: the rest of my life. But if people do not

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Speaker 2: have ears open to hear the truth, there is nothing

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Speaker 2: I can do to force that, no matter how just

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Speaker 2: or right I am. Which in acknowledging that there's so

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Speaker 2: much grief, there is so much sadness, There's so much

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Speaker 2: pain that I have to feel because it's there and

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Speaker 2: I can process it. Some of that experience of processing

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Speaker 2: it is just sitting and acknowledging it, and there's nothing

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Speaker 2: I can do to change it, and that's hard. I

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Speaker 2: don't want to acknowledge this thing because that means I

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Speaker 2: have to also sit in these feelings and they might

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Speaker 2: not ever go away when I acknowledge this thing. But

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Speaker 2: the reason I'm bringing this experience up is because hearing

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Speaker 2: my therapist remind me that the manager of that restaurant

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Speaker 2: was not open to being wrong. Was so helped and

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Speaker 2: disengaging with him his narrative and his responses to our

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Speaker 2: truth was so helpful for me. I don't have to

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Speaker 2: explain my way into being right by him. I get

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Speaker 2: to let him live in his warped delusion of self righteousness,

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Speaker 2: and he will probably end up having consequences for that

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Speaker 2: that are not my problem to fix or avoid. I

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Speaker 2: also can't save everybody that runs through his path, which

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Speaker 2: is also a really hard thing for me to sit

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Speaker 2: with because I don't want him to be able to

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Speaker 2: manage anybody, because I don't want him hurt other people.

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Speaker 2: But I cannot control that. I can have faith that

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Speaker 2: other people have the ability to learn how to take

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Speaker 2: care of themselves, and that's really helpful. But again, the

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Speaker 2: reason I'm bringing this up is it made such a

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Speaker 2: difference for me when I heard somebody say, Hey, you're

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Speaker 2: continuing to feel more crazy because you're setting yourself up

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Speaker 2: to argue with somebody who's going to talk to you

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Speaker 2: in circles, which actually happened because us one when we

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Speaker 2: were there. But also we did reach out to the

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Speaker 2: owners to tell them about our experience. In y'all, I

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Speaker 2: wish I was somebody that was like totally open to

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Speaker 2: just like blasting people on the internet freely. But I'm

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Speaker 2: not going to do that because I don't know what

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Speaker 2: kind of trouble that could get me in. But the

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Speaker 2: responses that the owners sent back to my friend who

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Speaker 2: wrote a beautiful kind email were almost more crazy making

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Speaker 2: than the actual experience. Actually they're probably pretty equal. And

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Speaker 2: every time we got a response one of those emails

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Speaker 2: back from the owners, we started to feel again more

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Speaker 2: riled up and more crazy because this person is refusing

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Speaker 2: to acknowledge the truth that we're putting right in front

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Speaker 2: of them and hearing my therapists say, hey, you got

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Speaker 2: to remember, some people aren't willing to look at that.

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Speaker 2: So they are going to do whatever they need to

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Speaker 2: do to confuse or avoid or project to make sure

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Speaker 2: that mirror doesn't get in their way. And what I'm

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Speaker 2: not saying here is that truth tellers need to stop

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Speaker 2: telling the truth. I'm not advocating to shut people down

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Speaker 2: or keep people quiet and small. I'm not victim blaming

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00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:13,960
Speaker 2: or shaming. I'm advocating for us to one acknowledged reality,

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Speaker 2: and also to stop hurting our own feelings by telling

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Speaker 2: people truths and hope to help or change, only to

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Speaker 2: be shut down and disappointed. I am really advocating for

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Speaker 2: us to be more careful with our expectations, and a

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Speaker 2: lot of times we have to lower them because again,

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Speaker 2: not everybody wants to look in that mirror. What can

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Speaker 2: I do about that restaurant? Not a lot. I can

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Speaker 2: definitely not go again, and I can definitely write a

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Speaker 2: really bad YELP review for them. And like I said,

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Speaker 2: my friend emailed the owner to express concern, hoping that

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Speaker 2: it would bring upon some awareness of what's happening there.

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Speaker 2: It was the most defensive and dismissive customer service response

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Speaker 2: in history. I'm pretty sure they basically said that one,

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Speaker 2: we're in the wrong, and if we have an issue

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Speaker 2: with their establishment, then it's in our best interest not

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Speaker 2: to go back, which isn't our best interest not to

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Speaker 2: go back. But I was wild to hear that from

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Speaker 2: the owners of our restaurant, very wild. But this is

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Speaker 2: such a perfect, wonderful example of us being able to

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Speaker 2: take ownership and take control of who we show up

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Speaker 2: with and who we go to in our need of

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Speaker 2: exposing what is real. They don't want to acknowledge that

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Speaker 2: there's a problem with their system because that would require movement,

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Speaker 2: it would require change. It would also require them to

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Speaker 2: take responsibility and drop an ego. But if somebody does

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Speaker 2: not want to do that, I cannot continue to engage

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Speaker 2: in it because I'm going to end up feeling like

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Speaker 2: there's something wrong with me. That's how that's going to end. So,

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Speaker 2: as adults, we have way more power in picking the

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Speaker 2: systems we integrate into. Right, we don't get to pick

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Speaker 2: our family. As adults, we get to pick the systems

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Speaker 2: and the relationships that we welcome into our lives and

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Speaker 2: that we continue to engage in. And as adults, we

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Speaker 2: have more power in picking the systems that we integrate into.

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Speaker 2: We don't get to pick our families, but we get

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Speaker 2: to choose the systems as adults and the relationships that

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Speaker 2: we welcome into our lives. And we get to choose

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Speaker 2: the people that we have those hard conversations too. We

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Speaker 2: get to choose the people that we tell the truth to,

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Speaker 2: as hard as those conversations are. Now, if you feel

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00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,760
Speaker 2: like you've played the scapegoat role as a kid, chances

382
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,960
Speaker 2: are you still find yourself playing that role. You aren't

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Speaker 2: willing to sit around and pretend that things are okay

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00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,199
Speaker 2: because you seek to care for others the way that

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Speaker 2: you wish to be cared for, probably as a child.

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Speaker 2: Here's my encouragement to you. One, honor your truth. Like

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Speaker 2: I said, I'm not saying to suck your truth up

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Speaker 2: and ignore it and hide from it.

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Speaker 1: No.

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00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:06,439
Speaker 2: Honor your truth by sticking to your truths versus trying

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Speaker 2: to tell other people their truths. If other people don't

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00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,800
Speaker 2: want to see it, it's not your responsibility or job

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00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,639
Speaker 2: to force that on them, as frustrating as that can

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Speaker 2: be when you can't see it. Two, differentiate between the

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Speaker 2: truths that we need to tell and the truths that

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00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:25,639
Speaker 2: we want to tell. Are we looking at a real

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Speaker 2: concern of safety and something that really really needs to

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00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,159
Speaker 2: be brought about, or are we looking at a flaw

399
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,880
Speaker 2: in a human much like the flaws that we all have,

400
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,439
Speaker 2: those character defects that we really think somebody would benefit

401
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,520
Speaker 2: if they'd work on this or work on that. If

402
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:47,880
Speaker 2: something's not unsafe, then sometimes it's best to just let

403
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:52,040
Speaker 2: people have their flaws. And Three, the most important one,

404
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,959
Speaker 2: tell your truths to save people, and that means you

405
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,720
Speaker 2: may not be able to tell the truth to someone

406
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,520
Speaker 2: you want to be able to tell the tr truth too.

407
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,560
Speaker 2: You may not be able to tell the truth to

408
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 2: somebody that you are close to but is not safe

409
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,840
Speaker 2: in that way. And again, like I said, this is

410
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Speaker 2: one of the hardest I think this is the hardest

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00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,959
Speaker 2: part that sometimes we don't get to tell the people

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00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,040
Speaker 2: that we think are the most important people to tell. Now,

413
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,760
Speaker 2: like I say, in almost every episode in conversation I

414
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,600
Speaker 2: have on here, all of the information I'm sharing with

415
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,840
Speaker 2: you is very nuanced. So there's not a black and

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00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,640
Speaker 2: white way for you to fit this into your head

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Speaker 2: and fit this into your life. And that's why some

418
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:33,600
Speaker 2: of the conversations we have on here are kind of

419
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:38,440
Speaker 2: hard to just take and immediately put into your own life.

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00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,800
Speaker 2: Like a hat that you can just put on that

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00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,960
Speaker 2: I'm wearing that now you're wearing. It doesn't really work

422
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,120
Speaker 2: like that. So I want you to take the information

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00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,920
Speaker 2: that I'm sharing with you and apply it, but don't

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00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,280
Speaker 2: apply it blindly. Really sit with it, process it, think

425
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,120
Speaker 2: about it. Maybe if you have a therapist and you've

426
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,200
Speaker 2: had experiences like this, you can talk to them about it.

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00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,199
Speaker 2: And the most I think free and satisfying part of

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00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:06,120
Speaker 2: this for me was understanding that there is nothing wrong

429
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 2: with me. I wasn't overreacting. I didn't see something wrong.

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00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,560
Speaker 2: I wasn't being dramatic. I wasn't being mean, I wasn't

431
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:17,120
Speaker 2: being unkind. I wasn't the bad guy in this story.

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00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 2: I became the bad guy because somebody else didn't want to.

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00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:23,600
Speaker 2: Well doesn't mean that even those people are the bad guy,

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00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 2: but nobody wanted to play that role themselves, and it's

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Speaker 2: easier to push it onto somebody else. So I get

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Speaker 2: this bad guy role not because there's something wrong with

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Speaker 2: me and I am, but because it's hard for other

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Speaker 2: people to take responsibility for what is actually going on now.

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Speaker 2: Not always, sometimes we do say things that aren't true,

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Speaker 2: but you know what I mean. So that was the

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Speaker 2: most important part for me because it allows us to

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Speaker 2: give ourselves more compassion and look at ourselves as a

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00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:55,199
Speaker 2: look at ourselves, see ourselves with a true lens, the

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Speaker 2: truth lens versus the lens that makes other people feel

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Speaker 2: more comfortable about them about themselves. So I hope this

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00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 2: was helpful, and if you have any questions or feedback

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00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,239
Speaker 2: on any of this, I would love to hear it.

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00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 2: You can email me Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 2: dot com. You can follow us at Kat dot Defada

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00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,600
Speaker 2: at you Need Therapy podcast and my therapy practice at

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00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 2: three Courts Therapy on Instagram, and if you live in Tennessee,

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00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,879
Speaker 2: you can also reach out to us at three Courts

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Speaker 2: Therapy dot com if you are looking for a new therapist.

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Speaker 2: I am currently not taking new clients. However, I have

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Speaker 2: three wonderful therapists Stacy, Julia, and Josie who work with

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00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,360
Speaker 2: me at Three Chords that are and I would love

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Speaker 2: to be able to recommend them to you and set

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Speaker 2: you up with somebody who I believe has a really

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Speaker 2: good gift in helping others see their truth and figure

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Speaker 2: out who to tell their truth to as well. So

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Speaker 2: that is going to do it for me today. I

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Speaker 2: hope you guys have the day you need to have

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Speaker 2: and I will be back with you on Wednesday for

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Speaker 2: Couch Talks books put on bo