Speaker 1: Posh show.
Speaker 2: Hi, everybody, it's me Daniel Tosh, host of a podcast
Speaker 2: called Toss Show. All right, Eddie, hit me with the
Speaker 2: emergency pod sirens. You're right, what is this emergency pod about?
Speaker 2: Roll the clip. Hey, guys, it's your boy d to
Speaker 2: the t driving myself to my vasectomy. Oh, this is
Speaker 2: exciting now. The reason I'm driving myself is because nobody
Speaker 2: my family cares and I'm not going under. So they
Speaker 2: said I could drive myself, so we'll see what happens.
Speaker 2: Get to watch the procedure. We'll see if they let
Speaker 2: me film, how bad can it be? Huh?
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 2: Spoiler alert. I'm still alive. I had a vasecto me.
Speaker 2: Oh man, now going in to this vessectomy. I was
Speaker 2: not nervous during the vasectomy. Was not nervous. Was humiliated, embarrassed, sure,
Speaker 2: but wasn't nervous.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 2: The reason I did it, first of all, having kids
Speaker 2: past forty nine seems weird. But also, hey, and my wife,
Speaker 2: she birth controls tricky with her with her bleeding disorder.
Speaker 2: So I was like, no, you don't need to do this.
Speaker 2: I'll take care of it now. I talked to a
Speaker 2: lot of people and they were like, Oh, I can't
Speaker 2: believe you're not getting put under now. My doctor, he's
Speaker 2: the number one vasectomy reversal doctor in the country. I
Speaker 2: had to go in a few weeks earlier and they
Speaker 2: just check you out, you pull your pants down, they
Speaker 2: squeeze your balls, you know, the normal stuff. And he
Speaker 2: tells me, I have to tell you before you sign
Speaker 2: this that this is not reversible. Now that being said,
Speaker 2: I'm the number one vasectomy reverse doctor in the country.
Speaker 2: So I was like, oh, okay, that's good to know,
Speaker 2: but I don't really care about reversing it. He's like,
Speaker 2: you're gonna have the procedures in Beverly Hills, h You're
Speaker 2: gonna be in and out. Then you're gonna have to
Speaker 2: come back to my office about six weeks later. Uh,
Speaker 2: we're gonna have to test your seamen. And I had
Speaker 2: went to their bathroom when I first got to that
Speaker 2: doctor that appointment that day, and I noticed there's tons
Speaker 2: and tons of pornography and I was like, oh, I
Speaker 2: know it goes on in this bathroom, a little jerkshack.
Speaker 1: Ugh. Anyway, I didn't I didn't touch anything, and I
Speaker 1: washed I'd be instead. It's just weird.
Speaker 2: To see so many publications of pornography still in print. Anyway,
Speaker 2: he looks at me and he says, you know, are
Speaker 2: you sure you don't. I'm like, God, listen, I've got
Speaker 2: two kids. I've got tons and tons of semen that
Speaker 2: I store in all my socks. Now, yeah, I had some.
Speaker 2: I've got some stored if things would ever change. And
Speaker 2: then leading up to it, I've talked to some friends
Speaker 2: and people sort of tell all, you're not getting put under.
Speaker 2: I'm like, ah, he told me, fifty percent of people
Speaker 2: get put under, fifty percent don't. So I was like,
Speaker 2: all right, I'll drive myself, I won't get put under,
Speaker 2: and I'll watch it. I get there for my appointment,
Speaker 2: and lo and behold, it's at a place that I
Speaker 2: know very well. It's at a fertility doctor's office where
Speaker 2: the surgery happened, which was not where his office was originally,
Speaker 2: and that i'd been there before, and that those places are.
Speaker 2: You know, there's a lot of emotion going on there.
Speaker 2: There's there's women in there getting you know, egg retrievals,
Speaker 2: embryos implanted. You know, they're being told that they can't
Speaker 2: have kids. So there's just there's just a lot of
Speaker 2: stress there. There's a sign when you go to that
Speaker 2: facility like don't bring your kids, don't show off, you know,
Speaker 2: and people are getting cysts drained. It's it's just all bad.
Speaker 2: And then me and they're just im just in here
Speaker 2: to get my balls singed. It's just a circle of life,
Speaker 2: is what I'm saying. This place does everything from we'll
Speaker 2: make sure that your seemen, you know, makes the baby,
Speaker 2: all the way to we'll make sure you never just again,
Speaker 2: that's not what they do.
Speaker 1: But you understand. Okay, I get there.
Speaker 2: I get They give me the questionnaire to fill out
Speaker 2: and I always get furious and I don't read it.
Speaker 1: I just check no.
Speaker 2: It's just a thousand boxes because you feel like if
Speaker 2: you hit yes on any of them that they might
Speaker 2: not do your surgery and you have to come back.
Speaker 2: So I just hit and I checked no on everything.
Speaker 2: But some of them were like really silly, like have
Speaker 2: you ever had back pain? I'm like nope, never, of
Speaker 2: course I have.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Finally they call me, they call my name. I go
Speaker 2: back there and she's like, here, put this with RoboN,
Speaker 2: leave the backside open. You can just keep your socks on.
Speaker 2: I'm like okay, and I go in there. I never
Speaker 2: know how to tie the thing because it's behind me.
Speaker 2: I can't do a good job. But I didn't have
Speaker 2: to tie this one because it only had one string
Speaker 2: on one side. The other side had ripped off, probably
Speaker 2: from someone's frustration, so I just had to pinch it
Speaker 2: closed while I walked out of the bathroom through the
Speaker 2: common area to back to my room, and then I
Speaker 2: sat down. Now, the nurse that I had was was young,
Speaker 2: kind of cute. Immediately felt bad for her. I, oh, man,
Speaker 2: you're gonna you're gonna see a lot today. What I
Speaker 2: picked up on later is she was relatively new, or
Speaker 2: at least new to doing this procedure, because some of
Speaker 2: the couple of the older nurses were, uh, we're giving
Speaker 2: her a lot of oh, this is what you should
Speaker 2: do here, this is what She might have just been
Speaker 2: an intern. Maybe when I wasn't looking at stuff, I
Speaker 2: signed that, yeah, sure have some intern, uh sit in
Speaker 2: on this one.
Speaker 1: So anyway, I keep my phone with me, of course,
Speaker 1: and and uh.
Speaker 2: And once I get into the into the operating room,
Speaker 2: they lay me out on a table and they open
Speaker 2: these arm things for my arms, and then they immediately
Speaker 2: pull up my thing and expose me from belly button
Speaker 2: to mid thigh. So I'm laying on my back, arms spread,
Speaker 2: just dicking balls in the you know, an operating room.
Speaker 2: So well that and at least three to five people
Speaker 2: at any any moment are inside this room, and I'm
Speaker 2: like this, balls and penis just up. You're probably gonna
Speaker 2: see my penis in this emergency pod from time to time.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna show you my testicles. Okay, but we need
Speaker 2: to be mature here. This is medical. I want other
Speaker 2: people to learn from this, to know what to expect
Speaker 2: going into it. I don't need people taking my penis
Speaker 2: or my testicles and then putting them into some AI
Speaker 2: generator and doing funny things with them. You know, Oh
Speaker 2: my my penis just endorsed Trump.
Speaker 1: I don't want it. I had trimmed.
Speaker 2: I didn't shave going into this surgery, so I wasn't
Speaker 2: I didn't look like a monster. But you know, she's like, oh,
Speaker 2: did you shave? There was an older nurse and she's like,
Speaker 2: did you shave? I said no, I didn't shave. I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: and she's like, no, it's fine, and then she grabs
Speaker 2: this like a little tiny hand raiser that doesn't have
Speaker 2: like a stick on it, like she just hold her
Speaker 2: to the finger and she just starts doing my ball
Speaker 2: so fast. And then the girl, the young girl, she
Speaker 2: comes over with some tape, like just a big piece
Speaker 2: of it's not duct tape, but it's it's wide, it's
Speaker 2: about the same with and she just starts sticking it
Speaker 2: to my balls like sorry, and like is collecting the hair.
Speaker 2: It's like a lint roller. There's quickly shaving my balls.
Speaker 2: And then just she's just patting him. Then they begin cleaning,
Speaker 2: and I say they there's three. There's three nurses, two
Speaker 2: older nurses, and then this one young girl and they're
Speaker 2: just my floppy sad Penis who's you know, scared and
Speaker 2: rightfully so doesn't know what's going on.
Speaker 1: It's literally like the dream scenario.
Speaker 2: Remember if you've ever gotten a massage, and not I'm
Speaker 2: not talking about like a place that the owner of
Speaker 2: the Patriots goes, but a real place like a nice spa,
Speaker 2: and they're rubbing and they get really close to your
Speaker 2: private and you're like, oh, my goodness, is so close,
Speaker 2: but they don't. They don't actually touch anything. They tuck
Speaker 2: things the right way. This is the exact opposite. This
Speaker 2: is they exposed your penis and only touch your penis,
Speaker 2: all of them at once. They're just and they're just
Speaker 2: like it's just moving around, you know, they're putting eyed
Speaker 2: eye everywhere, and it's just it's just embarre. It's just
Speaker 2: whipping around. This is ten fifteen minutes of more and
Speaker 2: she's spraying it with some cleanser, which it felt like
Speaker 2: if you had a can of lighter fluid on a
Speaker 2: charcoal grill that you was like going shit because like
Speaker 2: it was cold. I was like, well, oh I jumped
Speaker 2: a little bit at that, and she's like, oh, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: And then casually my doctor walks in and goes, oh, guys,
Speaker 2: what are you doing. You never want to hear that. Guys,
Speaker 2: what do you do? Like, oh, they're definitely doing something wrong.
Speaker 2: He goes, oh, just tape is his penis down because
Speaker 2: he saw it doing the helicopter thing. So they took
Speaker 2: a piece of tape just across my waist and taped
Speaker 2: it to my stomach. You know, like if you ever
Speaker 2: when you were a kid or on a plane and
Speaker 2: you got a boner, you hide it under your waistband.
Speaker 1: You know, keep it flush against you. I don't know.
Speaker 2: He made to a long nap on a plane. You
Speaker 2: woke up with a heart on. It's happened anyway. Now
Speaker 2: it's time. Now it's time for the big show. He
Speaker 2: comes in and he's just gonna he's got his own
Speaker 2: concoction of whatever is gonna numb me, and he's like,
Speaker 2: this is gonna hurt just for a second, about twenty seconds,
Speaker 2: he's gonna puncture and you know, fill me.
Speaker 1: And he's and he's gonna pinch hard.
Speaker 2: He basically, you know, finds the Vaz deference with his
Speaker 2: finger and that's where he's going to go through. And
Speaker 2: so he pinches. He injects, I'm feeling it. I'm like oh,
Speaker 2: and he's like you're doing fine. I'm like okay, but
Speaker 2: like that hurts.
Speaker 1: It hurts.
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, now we just wait a few minutes.
Speaker 2: There's small talk. He's telling me all kinds of things
Speaker 2: about other celebrities, and you know, he's like, I can't
Speaker 2: tell you who this athlete is, but just celebrity gossip.
Speaker 1: It was fun. By the way, Well I'm having the surgery.
Speaker 1: Guess what music they're playing?
Speaker 2: Literally eighties rock ballads like everything is about like losing love,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, is this a joke? And it had
Speaker 2: to have been, but he's like, oh, it's just what's
Speaker 2: on anyway. Next thing, you know, my balls are not
Speaker 2: can you feel this? And I'm like no, and he's
Speaker 2: like are you sure? And I'm like, whoa now, none
Speaker 2: of that. So then he goes in there with his thing.
Speaker 2: It's just like it's like a puncture hole, clips it
Speaker 2: and you know it cauterizes it and people say, oh
Speaker 2: you can like it smells like bacon or something. I
Speaker 2: didn't smell anything. I've got a great sense of smell,
Speaker 2: and smells sometimes freaked me out. I didn't smell anything.
Speaker 2: And then I was like, oh, that wasn't so bad.
Speaker 2: And he's like, okay, now we got to do the
Speaker 2: other side. And I was like, oh, I didn't think
Speaker 2: about that. You know, you got two balls. It's basically
Speaker 2: you're going in for two surgeries, one for each boy,
Speaker 2: and so then the exact same thing, pinch, painful, inject
Speaker 2: a hole, sticks it in, clips, cauter rises, and that's it.
Speaker 2: I pulled my phone out At one point He's like,
Speaker 2: put your phone away, man, I'm like all right, sorry.
Speaker 1: Then I pulled it out again.
Speaker 2: I took a phone over my penis because I'm like
Speaker 2: that if I'm gonna have one dick pic in my phone,
Speaker 2: it should be of this again.
Speaker 1: So many people just in there seeing this. He's done.
Speaker 1: I thank him.
Speaker 2: I guess I was like, I'll see in a few weeks,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, okay, hey, I have to go home.
Speaker 2: I have to heal, and then I have to masturbate
Speaker 2: for twenty ejaculations in twenty four hours. No, not twenty
Speaker 2: four hours. I think he said six to eight weeks.
Speaker 1: I'm like, easy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't think that impressed him, but whatever. So
Speaker 2: he finishes. Then the nurses begin cleaning me up, and
Speaker 2: they're like, can you like lift up. There's a lot
Speaker 2: of stuff underneath now, like wiping my butt. Like I'm
Speaker 2: just like a and I'm fully awake and like, you know,
Speaker 2: everything is normal, so I can help. But I'm like,
Speaker 2: just keep doing it.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: There's rubbing me clean, all of them at once, like
Speaker 2: just it's almost like it's like a team at a
Speaker 2: car wash where they're just as fast as they can.
Speaker 2: Let's let's get this dick out and get the next
Speaker 2: one in here, and yeah. Then they're like, okay, let's
Speaker 2: you know, we'll go over. And by the way, when
Speaker 2: she was like, go over your post of the young
Speaker 2: girl again, I could barely look her in the eyes
Speaker 2: at this point. I'm like, you should see me erect
Speaker 2: And I didn't say any of that, but no, She's like,
Speaker 2: you can read. That's what she said to me.
Speaker 1: You can read. It's just this paper base.
Speaker 2: I need you to ice your balls for twenty four
Speaker 2: to forty eight hours every twenty minutes. I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: what about when I sleep? As she's like, oh, just
Speaker 2: go to bed. I'm like, okay, good. And they give
Speaker 2: you a jockstrap to wear, and then they give you
Speaker 2: like thirty medical gloves that they just want you to
Speaker 2: fill with ice and tie it ont And I'm like,
Speaker 2: why don't you guys have your own ice pack mechanism?
Speaker 2: Why am I using a glove? Is like a little
Speaker 2: funny hand job joke that you got you have for
Speaker 2: people to give vasectomies. But you put that down there,
Speaker 2: you wrap it in gauze, and you put it there
Speaker 2: twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off for the first twenty
Speaker 2: four to forty eight hours. I don't know if I
Speaker 2: was good about it. I didn't have any swelling. They
Speaker 2: gave me some tile and all three you know, the
Speaker 2: coating one. I took that one time because I wanted
Speaker 2: to get ahead of the pain when the numbing wore off.
Speaker 1: And I never felt pain, so I never took it again.
Speaker 2: And then I took the You have your antibiotics that
Speaker 2: you take, and you can't go into a pool of
Speaker 2: jacuzzi for a week or work out for a week.
Speaker 2: I guess I'm on day four right now, and I'm
Speaker 2: not allowed to ejaculate for five to seven days. And
Speaker 2: I'm told that feels a little different on your first ejaculation.
Speaker 2: But I will see. I'm gonna do it on air.
Speaker 2: But all in all, you know a good thing. Now
Speaker 2: I have to go back after fifteen ejaculations, fifteen to twenty,
Speaker 2: and I have to get two zero sperm count, you know,
Speaker 2: all clears before they say you're good to go to
Speaker 2: bang roadhors. I have to go back to his original office,
Speaker 2: go into the bathroom with all the pornography. You know,
Speaker 2: he's got to collect a sample. I don't think I
Speaker 2: can bring a sample in. I'll check pete. See if
Speaker 2: I can bring a sample in. Yeah, you can. It
Speaker 2: just can only be like an hour old. Oh man,
Speaker 2: that's gonna be tough. So I can bring my own
Speaker 2: sample in What kind of container am I gonna put
Speaker 2: it in? They sent us a link to some on
Speaker 2: Amazon that we can use.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: I thought I was gonna have to use some of
Speaker 2: my tupperware, because I know Carly get mad because we
Speaker 2: have tupperware that we give away to people.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I gave some way to my cookie dealer, and then
Speaker 2: I've got the good stuff at home that we use glass.
Speaker 2: The next day, my wife scheduled a back to school
Speaker 2: pool party, so a bunch of my son's friends were over,
Speaker 2: and she's like, well, you can't swim, so you can
Speaker 2: be lifeguard. Just keep an eye on everybody. I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: if somebody's drowned, I can't jump in, and she's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: that's a good point. But then all the dads were
Speaker 2: asking me like, oh, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't.
Speaker 2: There's no way. I always think that's weird. Why but yeah,
Speaker 2: the amount of people are like, you lose some of
Speaker 2: your libido when you do this. I'm like, how much
Speaker 2: libido do you need? How much libido do you guys
Speaker 2: want tons? You want tons? No, how much more productive
Speaker 2: would I be my entire career if I had thirty
Speaker 2: percent less libido. That's a high number. I think you
Speaker 2: only lose like, I don't know five. I don't even
Speaker 2: know what you lose. I don't even know if you
Speaker 2: lose any and some men. I know there's some side effects.
Speaker 2: So one of the side effects is dementia, which I
Speaker 2: think is a great side effect. Love to get dementia
Speaker 2: right now. That's not my problem. That's my wife's problem.
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna remember shit anyway. I've got a reversal
Speaker 2: scheduled for next week. I wonder what the fastest someone's
Speaker 2: done a reversal. I wonder if I could come in
Speaker 2: the next day and get a reversal, that would be
Speaker 2: That'd be interesting.
Speaker 1: Doc, I made a huge mistake. It just seems like
Speaker 1: such an easy thing.
Speaker 2: For a guy to take care of, versus counting on
Speaker 2: women to take a pill every single day at the
Speaker 2: same time.
Speaker 1: That's just nonsense. I know how you're responsible. My wife is. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: I've been sending anybody who asked, oh I was of
Speaker 1: a second. I just send him a.
Speaker 2: Photo of my balls during the surgery, all right. That
Speaker 2: does it for me and my sad boy balls. Eddie
Speaker 2: hit with the siren. It's just sad sounding. My poor
Speaker 2: little balls, my poor little balls.
Speaker 1: Man. They went through a lot