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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. You're welcome to stuff

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Speaker 1: I've never told your production of I Heart Radio. I

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Speaker 1: have kind of a personal question for you, and you

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Speaker 1: don't have to answer it if you don't want to.

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Speaker 1: Have you ever like I had a rebound relationship? Oh yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I haven't had too many relationships, so anything I thought

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Speaker 1: could be serious. If I got heartbroken or sad, I

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Speaker 1: would go back to this one. Dude. He was my

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Speaker 1: one rebound. Is that weird? I don't know. I don't

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Speaker 1: Did he know he was your rebound? I don't know,

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Speaker 1: because I told you we didn't. We haven't really communicated

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Speaker 1: about what we ever were Like, we were off so

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Speaker 1: badly in communication that when one would be actually interested

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Speaker 1: in one actual relationship, the other wouldn't. And we definitely

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Speaker 1: had moments of just being off. So everything finally did

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Speaker 1: when he started seriously seeing somebody and I started seriously

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Speaker 1: seeing somebody, and it kind of just died off and

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Speaker 1: then he got engaged, so I was like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: definitely definitely off. So I think, yeah, so typically that

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Speaker 1: would be he was my rebound guy, which, by the way,

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Speaker 1: is a Sex in the City episode. Are we coming

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Speaker 1: up on it. No, it's a long time. It's a

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Speaker 1: long time. Well no, I want to say, since season two.

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Speaker 1: So we're coming along, We're coming along. Okay, I'll have

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Speaker 1: more time to think about it, all right. Well I

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Speaker 1: had I also had a guy. It's sometimes it's strange

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Speaker 1: to think because to me, reinbound relationship is something I've

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Speaker 1: seen a sitcoms. I know it exists, but there's kind

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Speaker 1: of that like really over the top aspect of it.

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Speaker 1: But there was a guy in my life that I

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Speaker 1: think we were on the kind of rebound path, even

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Speaker 1: though nothing serious really ever happened, but like if he

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Speaker 1: broke up with somebody all of a sudden, I was like,

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Speaker 1: he wanted to hang out with me all the time,

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Speaker 1: and I was kind of the opposite, where not the opposite,

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Speaker 1: but I always want to hang out with him. I

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Speaker 1: kind of had a crush on him. But it was

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Speaker 1: just interesting to me that it's a strange place to

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Speaker 1: be where you're like, Okay, now you're sad at alone,

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Speaker 1: and I am here, and we can we can He

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Speaker 1: said the quiet part out loud. Okay, it's true, it's true.

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Speaker 1: And I just I was thinking about this because of course,

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Speaker 1: I my mind is I'm riled up about some some

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Speaker 1: Star Wars stuff, so I I'm going to talk about

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Speaker 1: it in the future. But I was just thinking about attachment,

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Speaker 1: types of attachment, and a rebound came up. People were

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Speaker 1: bringing that up, and now it's kind of it can

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Speaker 1: be different based on your attachment, and it can be healthy,

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Speaker 1: and it can be unhealthy and all these things. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: all that to say, please enjoy this classic episode in

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Speaker 1: the meantime, Welcome to Stuff Mom Never Told You from

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Speaker 1: how Stuff Works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline. So Caroline, I think that

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Speaker 1: we can both agree on and the breakup suck. I

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Speaker 1: do believe they do. Yeah, I mean, even if you're

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Speaker 1: the one doing the breaking up or you're the one

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Speaker 1: being broken up with, it's just a pain in the

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Speaker 1: painful is yeah, like the heart. The pain is a

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Speaker 1: pain in the heart and the butt and the but yeah, no,

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Speaker 1: it leaves you feeling kind of worthless sometimes. So sometimes

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Speaker 1: the knee jerk response to a breakup is, well, you

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Speaker 1: can you can just get back together with a person,

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Speaker 1: or you can rebound. Yes you can. Now this is

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Speaker 1: kind of a bad idea. According to some people, though, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: rebound relationships have I think a pretty negative connotation. You're

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Speaker 1: like you always fear like, oh, you know, you're just rebounding.

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Speaker 1: It sort of implies that you are still an emotional

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Speaker 1: wreck and nobody wants to be with the rebounder. Yeah, no,

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Speaker 1: because you're just gonna use them up. You're gonna use

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Speaker 1: them until you are whole again and have regained your

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Speaker 1: self confidence and self worth, and then you'll move on

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Speaker 1: to the more substantial person unless you just get stuck there. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: if you just want attention, I mean, you might just

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Speaker 1: stick with whoever you come across right after your breakup exactly. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Rebounders also tend to be labeled pretty desperate. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: so many people do it. So are we all just

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Speaker 1: a desperate pack of sad sex? That might be a

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Speaker 1: harsh assessment. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong

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Speaker 1: with uh, you know, after you've either been broken up

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Speaker 1: with or or dumped somebody that you know, you want

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Speaker 1: to get back to feeling like a normal person. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it also it sort of broadens your perspective maybe

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Speaker 1: instead of just focusing on that one person you've broken

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Speaker 1: up with, so some pros and some cons um And

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Speaker 1: we actually found a study, a survey published in the

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Speaker 1: College Study Journal UM oddsounding journal from March two thousand

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Speaker 1: nine that looked into the characteristics of a rebounder. They

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Speaker 1: weren't all positive. They were not all positive. Rebounders were

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Speaker 1: painted as love seeking, desperate, lonely individuals yes, who were

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Speaker 1: also cheaters yes, and promiscuous ye. So so there you

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Speaker 1: go in a podcast. Don't do it. Don't get involved

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Speaker 1: with a rebounder. Now, first of all, Um, a majority

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Speaker 1: of the people in the survey, this was roughly a

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Speaker 1: thousand undergrads, said that they had knowingly been in a

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Speaker 1: rebounding relationship, had initiated a rebound um And the top

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Speaker 1: characteristics that these researchers found among the people who were

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Speaker 1: in these rebound relationships were Number one, Caroline, like you said,

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Speaker 1: they just tend to fall in love fast, right, They

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Speaker 1: also tend to get married faster. So once they got

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Speaker 1: their hooks and somebody, they just keep them. Yeah. So

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Speaker 1: not only do they marry quickly, but they are also

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Speaker 1: randomly enough more likely to marry foreigners. I have indeed

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Speaker 1: rebounded with an Englishman myself. Yes, he was an actor,

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Speaker 1: an English actor. Yes, that wouldn't have lasted in real life,

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Speaker 1: but luckily I was in England so it didn't count.

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Speaker 1: That sounds like a fantasy rebound. I would like to

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Speaker 1: be made into a movie. And he was very concerned

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Speaker 1: with his hair, so well the stage what the stage?

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Speaker 1: It would not have worked out. Was he a stage actor?

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Speaker 1: He was British, very theatrical. He told me I should

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Speaker 1: wear more dangly earrings. And did you know, good for you?

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Speaker 1: You knew a rebounding sawd And you're not going to

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Speaker 1: invest in new jewelry. Buddy, You're in shape and you

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Speaker 1: have an accent. You're making me feel better about myself.

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Speaker 1: I have no desire to change anything for you or

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Speaker 1: randomly get married. Yes, exactly. And also I thought this

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Speaker 1: was interesting. They found that people who are quote looking

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Speaker 1: for love on the internet are more likely to be rebounders.

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Speaker 1: And that makes total sense if you think about online dating.

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Speaker 1: First of all, so many people are doing it. But

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Speaker 1: I mean, if there were an easier way to rebound

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Speaker 1: these days, I can't think of one other than signing

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Speaker 1: up for say I don't know, okay, keep it and

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Speaker 1: just letting the dates slow your way, or just being

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Speaker 1: you know, a volunteer to be the doorman at a bar.

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Speaker 1: Just let the dates come to your said, you just

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Speaker 1: have a little business cards ready with your with your

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Speaker 1: number on them. But then this is where it starts

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Speaker 1: to get a little little sketchy. Is the hedonistic patterns

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Speaker 1: cheating Caroline, what's up with these cheaters and rebounding? Now?

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Speaker 1: It says the study says that people who cheating their

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Speaker 1: relationships are more likely to rebound. Does that just mean

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Speaker 1: that they just want so much attention that they they're

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Speaker 1: not getting enough attention from their girlfriend or their boyfriends,

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Speaker 1: so they're cheating on them with somebody else, and in

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Speaker 1: that busts, they just go for somebody else right away.

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Speaker 1: And what a double whammy if you somehow end up

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Speaker 1: being with a person who is not only a pathological

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Speaker 1: cheater but a rebounder. Yeah, so that maybe they are

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Speaker 1: cheating on you while also rebounding, so that then you

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Speaker 1: would probably need to rebound big time. That's too many steps,

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Speaker 1: I know, it's a lot. Those are people that you

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Speaker 1: just need to draw big red X over. Yeah, just

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Speaker 1: stay away from them. Um. And the researchers also tried

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Speaker 1: to draw a correlation between rebounding and unprotected sex, but

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Speaker 1: that one was a little weak to me. Yeah, this

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Speaker 1: was a study of about a thousand, like you said,

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Speaker 1: about a thousand undergrads, and so I'm thinking that's more

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Speaker 1: a result of maybe young people like eight nineteen, you know,

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Speaker 1: your first to college. You're young, You're doing crazy things

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Speaker 1: that might have more to do with it than actually

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Speaker 1: being someone who rebounds frequently. And there was one big

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Speaker 1: question that the study did not address, which is the

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Speaker 1: reason behind why these people were rebounding, like how the

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Speaker 1: relationship dissolved, um whether they initiated the breakup or they

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Speaker 1: were the ones who were being broken up with. That

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Speaker 1: can really tell you a lot more about maybe the

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Speaker 1: quality and motivation of a rebound, because, as we learned

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Speaker 1: in psychology today, there are some benefits to rebounding, especially

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Speaker 1: if you are anxiously attached. And that leads me to

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Speaker 1: picture somebody in an absolute panic over finding a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, these people tend to have avoid they

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Speaker 1: feel like they have to fill this void with someone else,

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Speaker 1: and you know that could lead you to had decisions,

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Speaker 1: but it could also help you disconnect from your previous relationships.

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Speaker 1: So if you just are one of those people who

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Speaker 1: after a breakup, you know, you just feel all of

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Speaker 1: this tremendous grief and you just can't get over it.

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Speaker 1: If you rebound with somebody that you know disconnects you

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Speaker 1: from your previous relationship, it could make you feel you know,

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Speaker 1: attractive again, or you know, just having a good time

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Speaker 1: after a bad breakup. Right, because anxiously attached people tend

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Speaker 1: to put so much emotional investment into one person that

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Speaker 1: they feel such a great loss. It's all of this

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Speaker 1: is based around the idea of an exchange theory, and

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Speaker 1: it's this psychological sort of framework of relationships that puts

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Speaker 1: it in very sort of economic terms of gains versus losses.

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Speaker 1: So by rebounding, you move as quickly as you can

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Speaker 1: from a loss to a gain. So this could be

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Speaker 1: a good thing for an anxiously attached person to instead

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Speaker 1: of wallowing, you know, in a very bridget owns this

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Speaker 1: kind of Bridget Jens is Bridget Jones kind of way. Uh,

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Speaker 1: It pulls your head out of the other person's behind

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Speaker 1: behind and and gets you moving forward. Right, But what

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Speaker 1: happens when the reboundy realizes that you're just an anxiously attached,

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Speaker 1: crazy individual. And you know what if they then leave

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Speaker 1: you because they don't want to be the reboundy, or

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Speaker 1: because since you're on the rebound, what if you start

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Speaker 1: acting maybe a little desperate, maybe treating them like they're

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Speaker 1: your ex, you know, sliding them right into that position. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I have been guilty of that. I'll be honest, I've

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Speaker 1: I've certainly done the rebound that I just wanted to

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Speaker 1: funnel all like unresolved emotion in the last relationship straight

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Speaker 1: into them, and they were not ready for it, and

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Speaker 1: they should not have been ready for the exact same

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Speaker 1: thing happened to me. I sort of put all of

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Speaker 1: my angs onto this poor, unsuspecting schmuck, and you know,

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Speaker 1: you thought, oh, nice girl, we're just hanging out casually.

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Speaker 1: But I pretty much started dating him a month after

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Speaker 1: my to your relationship broke up. So yeah, I just

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Speaker 1: sort of started treating him like my boyfriend. And he

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Speaker 1: didn't know where that came from. Did not to me

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Speaker 1: as well, because I was like, wait, wait is this

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's cool if we hang out every day, right,

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Speaker 1: because I'm like, I mean I can call you all

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Speaker 1: the time and text you throughout the work day, right,

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Speaker 1: I kind of expect you to stay over every night.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it's a little tricky. You gotta you gotta

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Speaker 1: be careful with that timing. But it is good to

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Speaker 1: know that rebounding isn't all all bad. I mean, there's

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Speaker 1: there's this um study from University of Toronto saying that

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Speaker 1: that rebounding absolutely can provide confidence in the availability of

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Speaker 1: new sources of connection. You know, yeah, there are other

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Speaker 1: it's the whole they're more efficient to see that. All

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Speaker 1: your girl friends and guy friends whoever will tell you,

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Speaker 1: you know, to comfort you. But that sounds like total

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Speaker 1: trite cliche, right honky, But um, but it's true. It's

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Speaker 1: actually true, and there's facts to scientific data to back

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Speaker 1: that up. But if you are finding yourself, you know,

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Speaker 1: in a rebounding kind of pattern, or if you are

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Speaker 1: fresh out of relationship and you want to move forward,

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Speaker 1: but maybe you're thinking, like I don't know, maybe this

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Speaker 1: isn't maybe this is the right time. There are possibly

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Speaker 1: some questions you would want to ask yourself. You found

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Speaker 1: these over um at Huffington Post. This is from a psychotherapist,

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Speaker 1: Mary Darling Montero, And I mean, there and there are

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Speaker 1: questions kind of no brainer questions that you would ask like, okay,

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Speaker 1: am I just ping ponging around from person to person?

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Speaker 1: Are you giving yourself any sort of time to actually recover?

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Speaker 1: Are you giving yourself any time to actually deal with

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Speaker 1: what you just went through? Or are you just going

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Speaker 1: to dump it on the next person who comes along?

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Speaker 1: And I think that there's a definite distinction between, like

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Speaker 1: you said, dealing with um, the past relationship and wallowing

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Speaker 1: right right, and that's going to be different from every

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Speaker 1: person for every person as well. UM, and then also

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Speaker 1: recognizing if you are legitimately rebounding and you just want

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Speaker 1: to have fun with someone, yeah, because you've got to

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Speaker 1: be careful with the other person in that case, like

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Speaker 1: if you want absolutely nothing serious, because I think we've

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Speaker 1: been there as well, dude, and it can get you know,

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Speaker 1: you don't want to hurt the other person, So also

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Speaker 1: good to be straightforward about it. Well, so do you

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Speaker 1: warn the other person? Do do you just let it

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Speaker 1: come up naturally like oh, yeah, you know, my fifteen

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Speaker 1: year relationship just broke up. Watch out, Yeah, I am

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Speaker 1: trouble waiting to happen. I have a psychological in this.

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Speaker 1: Do you warn them of this. Do you just let

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Speaker 1: that come up naturally or you know, in my experience,

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Speaker 1: they you know, they catch on eventually, when when the

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Speaker 1: emotional distance becomes more and more apparent, you know, they'll

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Speaker 1: either just be down with it or it'll dissolve. But

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Speaker 1: that's essentially what you want, though, is at some point

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Speaker 1: for it to dissolve, you know, So God, don't date me. Apparently. Well, No,

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Speaker 1: I got into a situation where, um, I was the

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Speaker 1: REBOUNDY went on some dates with this guy who had

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Speaker 1: just gotten out of a very long term relationship, and

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Speaker 1: he was under the impression that he was fine, and

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Speaker 1: I warned him. I said, you know, I've been in

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Speaker 1: your shoes. I know it's hard to get out of

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Speaker 1: a long term relationship. You probably feel a little, maybe

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Speaker 1: little lonely. You know, I get it. But you know,

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Speaker 1: are you okay because you're probably not? Oh no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm fine. No, I really like you. Let's hang out. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Lasted a couple of weeks and we finally actually called

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Speaker 1: each other the day before Valentine's Day and I said, hey,

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Speaker 1: I think we should talk about something and he said, oh,

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Speaker 1: me too. I said, I think maybe we shouldn't see

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Speaker 1: each other anymore. He said, oh me to Oh that's good. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: we both realized that he was in no position to

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Speaker 1: be dating someone because he started actually treating me like

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Speaker 1: his ex. Yeah, that's gonna be awkward. It was definitely awkward,

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Speaker 1: was on it. You know, I would totally get bombarded

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Speaker 1: because I would say something innocent and he would just

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Speaker 1: totally respond negatively because it's something he and his ex

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Speaker 1: had thought about. You know, I think it's interesting, like

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Speaker 1: we we talked about this um actually before we started

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Speaker 1: recording the podcast, but this idea that there might be

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Speaker 1: kind of a gender difference between men rebounding and women rebounding,

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Speaker 1: Like time and again, it seems like the story is

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Speaker 1: a guy and a girl breakup and the girl is lonely,

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Speaker 1: and the guy somehow rebounds and ends up marrying the

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Speaker 1: girl or something. Is that that could just be differences

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Speaker 1: and how men and women deal with things. I mean,

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Speaker 1: do you think it's possible that women are more open

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Speaker 1: to actually working through their feelings? Although I definitely have

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Speaker 1: been guilty and rebounding immediately, you know, it's it possible

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Speaker 1: that maybe women are more likely to work through their feelings.

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Speaker 1: You know, think about it, get through it, talk about

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Speaker 1: it with their friends, whereas a guy might just be

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Speaker 1: lonely and go straight to dating someone else. I think

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Speaker 1: that could absolutely be the king. And we haven't been

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Speaker 1: able to find any studies, Like, there's no data to

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Speaker 1: back this up. But I think that you make a

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Speaker 1: very good point. But we need to hear from from

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Speaker 1: guys out there because obviously these are two female minds

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Speaker 1: right at work. Cookie thing, we're just judging away exactly

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Speaker 1: her huge But we've been talking a lot about dating,

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Speaker 1: so I guess the final thing to talk about is

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Speaker 1: the marriage rebound. This might be the most horrified thought

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Speaker 1: to me is a rebound marriage, because that right there

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Speaker 1: sounds like trouble. Yeah, there was actually a study that said, hey,

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Speaker 1: this isn't so bad if you want to leave one

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Speaker 1: marriage and hop right on over to the other one,

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Speaker 1: don't worry about what your friends say about recovering and

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Speaker 1: taking your time for yourself. It says, no, just go ahead.

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Speaker 1: And what he's what the guy was saying was just

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Speaker 1: that there's no evidence of a higher rate of divorce. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think that the divorce rate is already probably still high.

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Speaker 1: You can't screw it up whether you've been there's been

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Speaker 1: time between marriages or not. Um, maybe it's difficult for

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Speaker 1: that person who you're marrying. You might have to deal

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Speaker 1: with any any excess baggage that you have, but you

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Speaker 1: know what, there's always gonna be baggage. Yeah, there's someone

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Speaker 1: for everyone. There's enough desperate people in the world that

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Speaker 1: hopefully they can find each other. Yes, but I don't

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Speaker 1: see how, um, something so legally binding could be a

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Speaker 1: good idea. Yeah, that definitely seems like a lot. But hey,

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Speaker 1: study says not a problem, you know, so don't take

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Speaker 1: our word for it, but you know so, what's our

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Speaker 1: consensus then on rebounding good bad? Depends? I think it

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Speaker 1: depends depends. It depends on the rebound or the reboundies

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Speaker 1: breakup that night. Pretty much, we should maybe stop demonizing

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Speaker 1: rebound relationships because it sounds like rebound relationships are pretty

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Speaker 1: much the same as any relationship and that both parties

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Speaker 1: will bring in different sets of things and the outcome

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Speaker 1: just depends. Yeah, you if you're the reboundy, you gotta

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Speaker 1: watch out for that crazy watch off that cheater, that crazy, hedonistic,

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Speaker 1: actually promiscuous cheater. Yes, and if you're the rebounder. If

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Speaker 1: you're doing it all the time, if you're not dealing

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Speaker 1: with your baggage and someplace siphoning out onto other people. Um,

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Speaker 1: your your your mess. You put a stop to it. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: If you're uncomfortable being alone in any time, then maybe

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Speaker 1: ate twice. Yeah, you have issues that you need to

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Speaker 1: work through. Caroline says, you got issues, Yeah, get a cat,

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Speaker 1: maybe dog volunteered to shelter. Yes, and some box set

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Speaker 1: DVDs of good TV shows such as twin Peaks. You'll

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Speaker 1: be too scared to want a date. And you know,

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Speaker 1: if it helps, you can yell at happy couples on

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Speaker 1: the street. Yeah, that's always fun. I think that them.

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Speaker 1: So if you have any thoughts to lend to our

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Speaker 1: rebounding conversation, we'd love to hear from you. Mom stuff

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Speaker 1: at how stuff works dot com. And we have a

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Speaker 1: couple of emails to read here in Caroline, why don't

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Speaker 1: you kick it off for us? Sure? This is from Erica.

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Speaker 1: This is in a response to the Delivery Room podcast.

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Speaker 1: She said, there are a lot of questions and things

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Speaker 1: people don't know about in regards to delivery. My friend

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Speaker 1: and I decided to be each other's support person for

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Speaker 1: our deliveries, and it has worked out great all four time. Wow.

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Speaker 1: We each had our husbands with us, but we had

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Speaker 1: another buddy there that could be a support and be

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Speaker 1: there for you on a level your husband can't. Her

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Speaker 1: husband truly dislikes hospitals, so he frequently leaves and goes

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Speaker 1: into the waiting room or outside for large parts of

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Speaker 1: the labor, giving him a break so he can be

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Speaker 1: better focused for the actual delivery. It's worked out great.

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Speaker 1: Both my children ended up meeting immediate medical care and

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Speaker 1: my husband was able to go with them and my

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Speaker 1: friends stayed with me. I think birth is very individual

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Speaker 1: and whatever works is good. And I've got one here

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Speaker 1: from Jane, also in response to our dads in the

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Speaker 1: delivery room episode, and she writes, my friends and I

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Speaker 1: have discussed this subject before. At the beginning of the conversation,

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Speaker 1: a lot of them thought they wouldn't want anyone except

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Speaker 1: the doctors to see them as a sweaty mess. But

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Speaker 1: by the end we really had come up with a

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Speaker 1: good answer. Marry the guy who you want to be

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Speaker 1: there holding your hand. That seems pretty simple. Simple advice

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Speaker 1: from Jane, And if you have any advice to send

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Speaker 1: our way or thoughts. Again. The email address is mom

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Speaker 1: Stuff at how stuff works dot com. We'd also love

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Speaker 1: to see you over on Facebook, give us a like

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Speaker 1: if you don't mind, and follow us on Twitter. So

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Speaker 1: many things we ask Our handle over there is at

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Speaker 1: mom Stuff podcast. And then finally, we have a blog

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Speaker 1: during the week, It's stuff Mom Never told You at

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Speaker 1: how stuff works dot com. Be sure to check out

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Speaker 1: our new video podcast, Stuff from the Future. Join how

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Speaker 1: Stuff Work staff as we explore the most promising and

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Speaker 1: perplexing possibilities of tomorrow. The how Stuff Work's iPhone app

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