Speaker 1: I am a Yama. I had a baby daddy relationship,
Speaker 1: I spend time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: It's important for us to understand how a relationship ends,
Speaker 1: so that we learn the lessons, that we identify the
Speaker 1: mistakes so that we don't carry them forward. You know,
Speaker 1: sometimes when a relationship ends, people go into a deep
Speaker 1: sense of mourning that infects every relationship thereafter. Sometimes they
Speaker 1: mourn for ever and just never even attempt to revive
Speaker 1: or be involved in another relationship. How did the relationship die?
Speaker 1: Was it a slow death? Was it sudden and unexpected?
Speaker 1: Was there somebody who did something? Were the people in
Speaker 1: the relationships the culprit one or both of them? And
Speaker 1: what were the life saving attempts. If we can do
Speaker 1: it for people and they're living, we can surely do
Speaker 1: it for a relationship. And it's important and it's important
Speaker 1: that we understand the role we play in the way
Speaker 1: our relationship ends and what we can do differently the
Speaker 1: next time. So I've got some callers today, brave callers,
Speaker 1: ready to do a relationship inventory to see if there's
Speaker 1: a culprit or if the thing just died a natural death.
Speaker 1: Here's my first caller. Greetings, would love it, and welcome
Speaker 1: to the art spot. We are doing relationship autopsy today,
Speaker 1: looking at what caused the thing to die. So I
Speaker 1: understand you have a relationship that's no longer among you.
Speaker 1: How did it die? Come on? Spill the tea? Spill
Speaker 1: the tea.
Speaker 2: My relationship basically failed because I never had really the
Speaker 2: courage to speak up for myself and say what I wanted.
Speaker 2: And I was always afraid that if I did speak
Speaker 2: up and say something that either I wouldn't get it,
Speaker 2: or like somebody would get mad at me or something
Speaker 2: like that. And so things would just go on and
Speaker 2: on with me not saying anything until it would just
Speaker 2: come to a head when I would get like super
Speaker 2: mad and like when I got upset. That's almost like
Speaker 2: when I gave myself permission to speak up and say something.
Speaker 2: And by that time it was usually for me at
Speaker 2: the point of like it's over now, and sometimes almost
Speaker 2: like blindsiden the person because they didn't really know what
Speaker 2: was going on. They didn't know ourself this way. But
Speaker 2: because things have been going on in Mounting, then I'm
Speaker 2: just at the place like I'm done with this and
Speaker 2: like i have no more to do with you. And
Speaker 2: that's just been a pattern that I've had over the
Speaker 2: years that I'm trying to get out of. And I'm
Speaker 2: hoping that you can give me some guidants and some
Speaker 2: tools to you be able to have a successful and
Speaker 2: healthy long term relationship because I've been divers that one before.
Speaker 1: Okay, how old was this relationship when it died? Uh?
Speaker 2: Six to seven months? And that's my longest relationship.
Speaker 1: That ain't no relationship, y'all. Don't even know what brand
Speaker 1: the toothpaste you used to That is a baby take
Speaker 1: nine months to be born. You had a premature birth here.
Speaker 1: That is not a relationship. He had a pre me.
Speaker 2: Well, we made it, remained in contact up until four
Speaker 2: weeks ago.
Speaker 1: So what happened four weeks ago? Spill the tea. What happened?
Speaker 2: He reached out like normal, wanted something from me that
Speaker 2: I usually would get, like whatever he would call to
Speaker 2: ask me, And this time he wanted to come and
Speaker 2: take a nap in my place because he was in
Speaker 2: between ships with his job, and I was just at
Speaker 2: the point where I was like over him reaching out
Speaker 2: to me only when he needed something, and so I
Speaker 2: just told him no, like no, But.
Speaker 1: You trained him to do that. Yeah, absolutely, But you
Speaker 1: you understand, you articulated to me what you do to
Speaker 1: kill your relationships. So first of all, you don't stay
Speaker 1: long enough. But that's number one, But number two that
Speaker 1: you don't have the courage to ask for what you want,
Speaker 1: that you go into a relationship in the fear that
Speaker 1: you can't have what you want. That you go into
Speaker 1: a relationship with fear that if you don't please the
Speaker 1: other person that they're going to leave. That you people
Speaker 1: fall in love with who you're not, because when you
Speaker 1: don't ask for what you want and show up with
Speaker 1: what you want, when you're in the people pleasing mood,
Speaker 1: you're not showing up as who you are, You're showing
Speaker 1: up as who you not. And then they fall in
Speaker 1: love with who you're not until you get fed up,
Speaker 1: and then you blow up. Then they thank you some
Speaker 1: kind of nutball.
Speaker 2: Yes, And can I give a little backstory?
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, please, Well put on this tea right here,
Speaker 1: because it's a bit of that you've given me.
Speaker 2: Okay. So I was molested as a child by my
Speaker 2: older brother, and I subsequently gained a lot of weight.
Speaker 2: As a preteen, I was overweight like high school, gained
Speaker 2: even more weight after my first year of college. And
Speaker 2: so after then, you know, I changed my eating habits
Speaker 2: and lost the weight. And before then, like when I
Speaker 2: was heavy, I was always known as like the person
Speaker 2: the girl with the pretty face, or the one that
Speaker 2: was funny because of my sense of humor. But men
Speaker 2: weren't really interested in dating me. And so it was
Speaker 2: like when I lost the weight, all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: I started getting all this attention for men, and it
Speaker 2: was frightening at first, but then it was like, oh okay.
Speaker 2: And at that point it was like I was able
Speaker 2: to get like the finest of the fine. And it
Speaker 2: wasn't a conscious decision then, but looking back, I think
Speaker 2: I liked the fact that I was the fat girl
Speaker 2: with the pretty faith who was able to attract these men,
Speaker 2: like it was some sort of validation. And so at
Speaker 2: that point, like with those men, I would give up
Speaker 2: the goods too, soons it's super attached to them didn't
Speaker 2: really require anything from them, like I said, for fear
Speaker 2: that they wouldn't do it, and really like have the
Speaker 2: nerve to expect to be treated like I was in
Speaker 2: a committed relationship, and if you said once I didn't
Speaker 2: get it, I would just kind of spies out, create
Speaker 2: drama and be all immature. And the interesting thing is
Speaker 2: with my last relationship, like I really wasn't attracted to
Speaker 2: him physically. It just kind of grew over time. I
Speaker 2: didn't even have expectation of liking him, because usually my
Speaker 2: pattern was when I was dealing with one of those guys,
Speaker 2: I would usually do all the drama until I lost interest,
Speaker 2: and I was usually by finding somebody else to have
Speaker 2: an intimate accounter with, and then I was older, and
Speaker 2: then like once I moved on in that way, and
Speaker 2: so when I met him, that's kind of how that
Speaker 2: happened because I was kind of sort of with somebody
Speaker 2: else right before that or at that time, and kind
Speaker 2: of he jumped into the picture and I used him
Speaker 2: to get over the last guy, but then somehow ended
Speaker 2: up falling in love with him. And then after that point,
Speaker 2: you know, he started off okay, but then he wasn't
Speaker 2: keeping his word. He wasn't making me a priority. Got
Speaker 2: to the point where he wasn't even making pleasure in
Speaker 2: me during intimacy a priority. And so that started us
Speaker 2: kind of pattern of me just breaking up with him,
Speaker 2: and then he would come back and apologize and we
Speaker 2: would get back together. He would you know, not make
Speaker 2: any changes. I would break up with him again, he
Speaker 2: would come back. It was just that, and then finally
Speaker 2: we finally like broke up, broke up about six or
Speaker 2: seven mins to the relationship. But like I said, we
Speaker 2: remained in contact, engage in intimacy every now and again
Speaker 2: up until you know, a month ago, and I'm just
Speaker 2: I just see it. I want to I want to
Speaker 2: get out of that, and I just I need to know.
Speaker 1: Wow, did I hear you accurately when you said your
Speaker 1: step brother violated you?
Speaker 2: No, it was my brother.
Speaker 1: We you my brother, same same mother, same father, just
Speaker 1: same mom. Yeah, okay, And how old were you?
Speaker 2: It was from Obahu seven to ten.
Speaker 1: So hear what I'm saying saying? Okay, I don't have
Speaker 1: no heat of no judgment on this, but we're doing
Speaker 1: an autopsy, so we've got to look at every organ,
Speaker 1: every structure, every system in this thing. So that we
Speaker 1: can determine what cause where we are right now, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: at some point in this thing with your brother, did
Speaker 1: you just give in, not fighting, just give in. Yes,
Speaker 1: when you gave in, did you know it was wrong?
Speaker 2: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: I'm asking you this, I'm gonna tie it up. I'm
Speaker 1: not asking you this, you know, not holding him accountable
Speaker 1: or responsible. You were seven to ten, how old was.
Speaker 2: He nineteen nineteen to like twenty somethings.
Speaker 1: So authority, an elder male in your life, coerced you
Speaker 1: into doing something that was wrong, bad, and you remain
Speaker 1: silent about it. That's where you learned I can't speak
Speaker 1: up for myself because when you are sexually violated by somebody,
Speaker 1: you know it's a catch twenty two because in one sense,
Speaker 1: you love this person, you care about this person, you
Speaker 1: don't want to get them in trouble. And in the
Speaker 1: other hand, you know what you're doing is inappropriate or wrong.
Speaker 1: You probably don't want to do it even at some point.
Speaker 1: There's this twist in the consciousness because you want to
Speaker 1: make this person happy, you want them to like you,
Speaker 1: you want them to love you. But in order to
Speaker 1: get that, you've got to do something wrong. This crazy
Speaker 1: making right. Does that sound familiar to you?
Speaker 2: Absolutely? I mean, like I remember when I finally made
Speaker 2: the outfry to my parents and like my mother just.
Speaker 3: Blew up, like she she ran back.
Speaker 2: He was asleep in the back. She ran back there.
Speaker 2: She was like, get out, get out. And my brother
Speaker 2: he's here and peers and she was just yelling him,
Speaker 2: get out, get out. And he was like, Mama, what
Speaker 2: did I do?
Speaker 3: What did I do? Get out?
Speaker 2: So, like he left and I felt horrible. I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, she put him out because of me,
Speaker 2: Oh my god. And it was like he came back
Speaker 2: two days later and it never happened again. But we
Speaker 2: never talked about it ever.
Speaker 1: Yes, So a couple of things happened there that I
Speaker 1: really want you to understand, because you say you're in
Speaker 1: and out of these relationships for six months and then
Speaker 1: you're the you know, the big girl with the pretty
Speaker 1: face and all of that because of the depth of
Speaker 1: betrayal that you experienced at a very young age. Your
Speaker 1: brother's betrayal of his position in your life, that's a betrayal.
Speaker 1: He was supposed to protect you and look out for you.
Speaker 1: He betrayed that position. He abused his power. If you will,
Speaker 1: being your elder brother, the betrayal of yourself by allowing
Speaker 1: or participating, not allowing participating in this thing that violated you,
Speaker 1: this thing that you knew you were wrong, but to
Speaker 1: spare him trouble, which he eventually got. Yeah, that's why
Speaker 1: you felt terrible. To spare him trouble, you sacrificed and
Speaker 1: betrayed yourself. Do you understand that?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: And then the weight. So somewhere in there between seven
Speaker 1: and ten, you lost your definition of self. This is me,
Speaker 1: I'm a girl, this is my body. I get to say,
Speaker 1: I get to say. But if I say, my brother's
Speaker 1: gonna get in trouble. If I say, then people will
Speaker 1: think I'm bad, I'm wrong. So your concept of intimacy
Speaker 1: is off. Intimacy is shrouded in secrecy and wrongness. Yes,
Speaker 1: And at seven to ten, when you're just budding and
Speaker 1: blossoming and flowering, you know, God forbid he should do
Speaker 1: something that feels good because the body is gonna respond naturally.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Now I'm a part two. I'm complicit
Speaker 1: in my own violation.
Speaker 2: And that did happen?
Speaker 1: Does that sound from? Yeah? Oh baby? So what you
Speaker 1: did then in that confusion, and that betrayal was you
Speaker 1: patted yourself to protect yourself. That's what the weight was form.
Speaker 1: But even if you lose the weight, you're still padded
Speaker 1: and protected, not having the courage to ask for what
Speaker 1: you want because if you speak up, it's gonna be
Speaker 1: a problem. So I've got to please people even though
Speaker 1: they treat me bad, and I just can't take this anymore.
Speaker 1: So now I'm a blow up. Yeah, so here's the
Speaker 1: good news. Here's the good news. You don't need a
Speaker 1: relationship autopsy because you ain't no had one, so it
Speaker 1: ain't dead. You ain't never had a relationship participated in
Speaker 1: all manner of dysfunction. But and you participated. You I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna say you were a willing participant because it's
Speaker 1: seven to ten. You didn't have a choice. So you
Speaker 1: don't need an autosy. What you need is a thorough examination.
Speaker 1: You need a thorough examination of your relationship with yourself
Speaker 1: and what you told yourself about yourself as a result
Speaker 1: of the early violation and betrayal. Now you've told yourself
Speaker 1: that it's okay to betray yourself, dishonor yourself if it
Speaker 1: makes somebody else happy, Well we're not together, come to
Speaker 1: my house and take a nap the hell because you
Speaker 1: you are not going to be able to have a relationship,
Speaker 1: I mean really an intimate relationship, because intimacy means in
Speaker 1: to me see, but if people look into you, you
Speaker 1: think they're going to see what you did with your
Speaker 1: brother mm hmm. So it's going to be hard for
Speaker 1: you to build a relationship with yourself with anybody until
Speaker 1: you build a relationship with yourself, because you never have one.
Speaker 2: Right, what you're saying is really hitting home because like, yeah,
Speaker 2: even though I lost the weight, like I do still
Speaker 2: feel like that little girl sometimes and feel like I
Speaker 2: can't speak up. And I've been trying to make those
Speaker 2: changes in my life, like not even just with intimate partners,
Speaker 2: but just even with just family and friends speaking up
Speaker 2: because I wouldn't before. And so I do realize that
Speaker 2: those changes have to be made before I can have
Speaker 2: a successful relationship. And I'm just trying to get there. Really,
Speaker 2: EQUI running everybody.
Speaker 1: Off, Well, you're not running everybody off. You've left home
Speaker 1: when you were seven. The lights are on in nobody's home.
Speaker 2: Baby.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back, Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 1: How old are you now?
Speaker 2: My love? WHOA yeah, time is of the it.
Speaker 1: But you know what, let me just say this to you.
Speaker 1: Because you said I don't have the courage. I never
Speaker 1: had the courage. That is not true. You are courageous
Speaker 1: to continue to try, to continue to desire, to continue
Speaker 1: to want it, and to be able to say I'm
Speaker 1: messing this up. I need some help. That's courageous. Don't
Speaker 1: you ever say that you're not courageous. You were never
Speaker 1: taught how to use your voice, and it's unloving to
Speaker 1: expect yourself to know how to do something you were
Speaker 1: never taught how to do. You weren't taught how to
Speaker 1: use your voice as a woman. It started when you
Speaker 1: were seven to ten, and you were silenced by self
Speaker 1: betrayal and coercion and manipulation for somebody else's pleasure.
Speaker 2: No, no, yeah, and here recently, like well probably it's
Speaker 2: been about six months. I had to cut off my
Speaker 2: brother because he's in prison for unrelated issue, and he
Speaker 2: would continue to call me and try to manipulate me
Speaker 2: to send him money and would try to make me
Speaker 2: feel bad because I wouldn't send him money in prison
Speaker 2: like all the other prisoners. There are people sending money,
Speaker 2: and you know I need money from you and I
Speaker 2: don't have anything. And for sometime I would send it,
Speaker 2: but it just got to the point where I'm like, no,
Speaker 2: you don't get to manipulate me from stitting behind bars.
Speaker 2: Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: He is behind bars for all of this.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: He may not have no.
Speaker 2: Not for this. No, no, he was nothing ever came
Speaker 2: with it.
Speaker 1: No, yes he is, Oh, yes he is. Get it.
Speaker 1: He is behind bars as a result of whatever it
Speaker 1: was that A allowed this to happen for so long.
Speaker 1: Be taught him that it was all right and c
Speaker 1: didn't correct it.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm. That's true.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, there was no correction. But I'm not talking
Speaker 1: to him. I'm talking to you. So here's another prescription
Speaker 1: for you. Yes, where do you live?
Speaker 2: I live in Dallas, Okay.
Speaker 1: I want you to go find a yoga class. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you why. I want you to find a
Speaker 1: yoga class.
Speaker 3: M h.
Speaker 1: Because it's gonna help you get in your body. Your
Speaker 1: body's padded to protect you because you're not home. And yoga,
Speaker 1: the breath and the movement that's gonna help you land
Speaker 1: fully in your body. You're not in your body.
Speaker 2: And that's interesting because I had started. There's a black
Speaker 2: owned yoga too, and she has hot yoga, and so.
Speaker 1: Oh, go to the hot yoga. Baby. Yeah, I do
Speaker 1: love me some hot yoga. Oh, I do love it
Speaker 1: so much. But the heat and the movement and if
Speaker 1: she's doing bickram, I don't know if she's doing bickroom
Speaker 1: or she's just doing a different masanas in the heat.
Speaker 1: But it'll help you land in your body. That's what
Speaker 1: you have to do. And you take your time. Don't
Speaker 1: give up because everybody else can stick their toe in
Speaker 1: they ear and you can't. They don't worry about your
Speaker 1: toe in your ear. You get there when you can.
Speaker 1: But it's the breath and it's the movement landing in
Speaker 1: your body. You left home at seven and I don't
Speaker 1: think you've come home yet. And beloved, I need, I
Speaker 1: need a promise for me that you ain't given nobody,
Speaker 1: no nookie for the next nine months. I want you
Speaker 1: to do nine months of therapy, nine months of yoga,
Speaker 1: and then let's see if we can birth a new you.
Speaker 1: No nukie, no nokie for you.
Speaker 2: Because I was just about to ask you, like, what
Speaker 2: do you think I should do to prepare myself to
Speaker 2: be in relationship?
Speaker 3: God?
Speaker 1: Now, ain't that that?
Speaker 2: Ain't it sounds like the concern of that.
Speaker 1: No, because you got to learn how to be in
Speaker 1: your body with yourself before you start giving it away
Speaker 1: and sharing your energy with other people. I want you
Speaker 1: to get in there. I want you to feel your body.
Speaker 1: I want you to know what makes your nipples a hard.
Speaker 1: I want you to know you know when the distinction
Speaker 1: between gas and fear. I want you to know when
Speaker 1: when you're feeling joy or peace, or when you're feeling triggered. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, get in your body into me. See. I
Speaker 1: want you to learn how to see in yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't get no good ease to nobody, no nookie for you. Say, listen,
Speaker 1: you gotta build a relationship with yourself. And at forty seven,
Speaker 1: you know it's not too late. You're heading toward fifty four.
Speaker 1: That's really what's going to make a difference. So you
Speaker 1: got time, but no nookie. Yoga therapy, coloring, coloring really
Speaker 1: really good because what coloring does is it focus the
Speaker 1: brain number one and it brings things up to the surface,
Speaker 1: but the colors will dispel the energy of it. If
Speaker 1: you can get a mandola coloring book. A mandola is
Speaker 1: a design that has very little intricate pieces and parts familiar,
Speaker 1: and you color each one. Use two colors or three colors.
Speaker 1: Don't use a whole bunch of colors. So if you
Speaker 1: paint one red, orange and yellow, and then the next
Speaker 1: one may be blue, green, and purple, and then do
Speaker 1: one just black and white. To really get your your
Speaker 1: get your brain focused on you, on your energy. Coloring
Speaker 1: will focus your energy. Yeah, and do that yoga at
Speaker 1: least two or three times a week.
Speaker 2: And I'm fifteen days sober right now. And so there's that,
Speaker 2: and so I'm working through.
Speaker 1: That.
Speaker 2: You said, just trying to use all this. I just
Speaker 2: really want to evolve into a better me, so that
Speaker 2: you know, yes, for me, for my daughter, for all this,
Speaker 2: and I'm doing my things.
Speaker 1: You are, you are evolving. How old is your daughter?
Speaker 2: He's fourteen?
Speaker 1: Okay, get a copy of and one day my soul
Speaker 1: opened up. Get okay, do it with your daughter. Go
Speaker 1: back and do it with your daughter. Make a little
Speaker 1: mourning ritual. Make a little mourning ritual. You all have
Speaker 1: tea or coffee or something, even if you do it
Speaker 1: once a week and read through the story and answer
Speaker 1: those questions, because she who lived in your body is
Speaker 1: going to tell you what's going on inside of you.
Speaker 2: Yes, man, I love that idea. I love that idea.
Speaker 2: And yeah, that book is what made me realize I
Speaker 2: said I was the problem in these relationships.
Speaker 1: I was like, oopsie, you have not had a relationship.
Speaker 2: What I get, I am right, and I want that
Speaker 2: for you.
Speaker 1: I want you to have a relationship, and you know,
Speaker 1: and not an escape route. I want you to have
Speaker 1: a relationship first with yourself because the courage that you are,
Speaker 1: the power that you are, I really want you to
Speaker 1: share that with somebody because it's it's it's beautiful. I
Speaker 1: know it sounds dysfunctional, but when you clean it up,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be beautiful.
Speaker 2: Oh I like that. That's exciting.
Speaker 1: You're gonna be busy till you're fifty four, coloring yoga,
Speaker 1: reading the book. No, no, nookie.
Speaker 2: I ain't gonna have time for that anyway, with all
Speaker 2: this worker.
Speaker 1: So hopefully you'll get something before you fifty four, but
Speaker 1: we want it to be right this time.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, that's the part right there.
Speaker 1: Oh, my beloved, I wish you. Oh my gosh, I'm
Speaker 1: so excited for you. You're at such a wonderful time
Speaker 1: in your life as a woman. You know, you still
Speaker 1: got a fourteen year old princess that you can impact.
Speaker 1: And you got it. You got it. You're not in
Speaker 1: a bottle, You're not at the end of a needle.
Speaker 1: You can go to yoga. Oh, I'm excited for you. Oh,
Speaker 1: thank you, Thank you for calling, my beloved.
Speaker 2: Thank you. I appreciate you.
Speaker 1: Okay, I appreciate you too. Wish you the best.
Speaker 2: All right, thank you, bye bye.
Speaker 1: If I were to do a relationship autopsy on fifty
Speaker 1: thousand relationships, what I'm going to find in every core,
Speaker 1: every system, every organ, every tissue, every muscle, the only
Speaker 1: thing I'm gonna find is a reflection of the relationship
Speaker 1: you're having with your self. If you ain't present for you,
Speaker 1: if you don't trust you, if you don't respect you,
Speaker 1: if you don't tell you the truth, you're gonna marry
Speaker 1: it or live with it for eighteen years. I think
Speaker 1: I've gotten another caller. Greetings, beloved, welcome to the ur spot.
Speaker 1: Thank you for joining me today, and thank you for
Speaker 1: your patience. Now we're doing a relationship autopsy. I understand
Speaker 1: that you have a relationship that's no longer with us.
Speaker 1: So tell me how did it end? How did it die?
Speaker 3: So I say the relationship ended. It was kind of ambiguous.
Speaker 3: We just kind of fell off communication wise. But I
Speaker 3: think that there was just a lot of confusion going
Speaker 3: on and we stopped trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1: Mmm, so you got a John Doe death, just dead.
Speaker 1: Don't know why, don't know who it is.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I had a sneaking suspicion that my partner was
Speaker 3: a you know, like bisexual or homosexual. But I couldn't
Speaker 3: really you know, I couldn't prove it. It was just
Speaker 3: a feeling I had. But sometimes I wonder if maybe
Speaker 3: he was just showing traits and characteristics that I'm not
Speaker 3: used to, you know, heterosexual men showing.
Speaker 1: At all such as such. Ass do Tael spill the tea?
Speaker 3: Honestly? I mean, he just he showed up. He was
Speaker 3: always there. I mean, this was like the perfect guy.
Speaker 3: He was tall, he was fit, he had a vibrant
Speaker 3: social life. He took care of his sisters, he took
Speaker 3: care of his mom. He always one thing I never
Speaker 3: experienced this man could calm me down, like he'd never
Speaker 3: escalated any disagreement we were ever in. Everything was always calm.
Speaker 3: But he was raised with like nine sisters, so he
Speaker 3: had some very feminine mannerisms, Like he did a lot
Speaker 3: of huffing and puffing, and he kind of just the
Speaker 3: way you would hang his head, and it was just
Speaker 3: he had some feminine gestures, but he did all the
Speaker 3: very manly things that you know men are supposed to do,
Speaker 3: you think. But he also just he never really looked
Speaker 3: that happy to see me, but he did everything that
Speaker 3: showed me he was there for me. But I never
Speaker 3: felt like he was like attracted to me and he
Speaker 3: wanted me and he was happy to be there. I
Speaker 3: just felt like, you know, he was just showing up
Speaker 3: for me because that's what he knew how to do
Speaker 3: for people. Because I feel like I have the gatar,
Speaker 3: But then I feel like, well, they don't know, and
Speaker 3: they're not gonna they don't know, and I'm just afraid
Speaker 3: they're gonna, you know, they won't know until they're like
Speaker 3: sixty and we had ten kids, and I'm you know,
Speaker 3: I'm just afraid that they would't figure it out. Till later.
Speaker 1: Oh, you got a lot of work. We'll talk about
Speaker 1: that right after the Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. How old was the relationship?
Speaker 3: So we were together on and off for about a
Speaker 3: year and a half, maybe two years. I kind of
Speaker 3: changed the title on it. It was supposed to be
Speaker 3: a hookup. Then I thought this is a great guy.
Speaker 3: I have a two year old son. He'd be a
Speaker 3: great dad. We should be together. And then we were
Speaker 3: together and I was like, I don't feel any passion,
Speaker 3: I don't feel any fire. We should just be friends.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: It was like back and forth like that a lot.
Speaker 3: But whatever I said, he kind of just went with
Speaker 3: it until one day I had to talk with him
Speaker 3: and I was like, hey, you know, i've been really
Speaker 3: wishy washying back and forth with you over the past
Speaker 3: couple of years. I was like, I'm really sorry about that.
Speaker 3: I think I was insecure and this and that, and
Speaker 3: you know, I'm ready to just give it a hundred percent.
Speaker 3: And after I did that, do you know this man
Speaker 3: just slowly faded into the distance.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Like I didn't know what to do, so but I
Speaker 3: thought maybe we just didn't have a lot in common,
Speaker 3: and like I told y'all, was all over the place,
Speaker 3: and I still kind of think he's a little gay.
Speaker 3: I just I don't know.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to ask you this, what are you
Speaker 1: acting like? You don't know? Take a breath. I'm acting
Speaker 1: like I don't know what? What are you acting like?
Speaker 1: You don't know?
Speaker 3: I'm acting like I don't know that I'm inconsistent.
Speaker 1: Okay, maybe all right? What else I'm acting like? I
Speaker 1: don't know what.
Speaker 3: Else I'm acting like I don't know. I think the
Speaker 3: way my insecurities are set up, I think anybody who
Speaker 3: ever truly shows me that I'm worth loving, I think
Speaker 3: it's I think it's something wrong with them. And I
Speaker 3: think maybe this person is not good because there there's
Speaker 3: must be something wrong with them. I honestly, I think
Speaker 3: I'm just asking like I don't know what love looks like?
Speaker 1: Okay, and you do know? Do you know what love
Speaker 1: looks like?
Speaker 3: I know what it looks like because when I see it,
Speaker 3: I think I deserve this and I want this, and
Speaker 3: this makes me happy. But I still find a way
Speaker 3: to to to be to be unfulfilled. You know, I
Speaker 3: know I got to fulfill myself, but I still find
Speaker 3: a way to just think, you know, all they talk
Speaker 3: about those patterns, like we like patterns and and and
Speaker 3: I feel like that's what happens. Like I don't think
Speaker 3: love from a man is in my history. I don't
Speaker 3: have the blueprint or the pattern for it. So I
Speaker 3: see it and I think, oh, I like that, I
Speaker 3: want that. And then maybe I receive it and I think, well,
Speaker 3: this is weird, and I don't know what to do
Speaker 3: with that. And I'm honestly I'm bisexual myself, so I
Speaker 3: don't think I will really care if.
Speaker 1: My thank you. I was wondering when you was gonna
Speaker 1: get there. Yeah, I'm acting like I don't know. I'm bisexual, Yeah,
Speaker 1: and inconsistent in it and not fully present in it,
Speaker 1: not owning it fully. So you're only going to attract
Speaker 1: what you are. The cause of the death of this relation.
Speaker 1: It was a murder. It was a cold case you
Speaker 1: not fully standing up in who you are. Being who
Speaker 1: you are, you can't attract a man who's gonna stand
Speaker 1: up in it. And maybe the same kind of inconsistency
Speaker 1: lack of full presence he had to his sexual identity.
Speaker 1: It's a reflection of you in your in your did
Speaker 1: he know you were bisexual?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And what did he say about himself?
Speaker 3: He didn't, He didn't really say he didn't really say anything.
Speaker 3: I mean, but no man I've ever dated is well,
Speaker 3: actually there was one friend I had that system. But
Speaker 3: I never experienced a guy just being like, hey, I'm
Speaker 3: I have been curious or I've been fluid or whatever
Speaker 3: like it just it's like not socially acceptable to say.
Speaker 3: And so that's why I get a freak.
Speaker 1: Okay, And it probably is a little more difficult for
Speaker 1: men to say that than it is for women. You know,
Speaker 1: there seems to be a lot more heat on it
Speaker 1: when men say it. Yeah, so maybe he's inconsistent in
Speaker 1: his sexuality. Maybe he's inconsistent or not fully present in
Speaker 1: his sexual identity. So you just attracted yourself. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: it sounds like when you're with a woman, you want
Speaker 1: to be with a woman, and when you're with a man,
Speaker 1: you you know, you want alpha man, you want to
Speaker 1: a pull you around by your ass and kill a
Speaker 1: lion and bring it home and slapping on the table, right,
Speaker 1: you know, but you also threw out enough hoops and
Speaker 1: tests to run him off, holding there must be something
Speaker 1: wrong with him instead of even in my bisexuality, this
Speaker 1: is the kind of man I want, and he ain't
Speaker 1: feeling like that. That's it. It's not simple. He ain't
Speaker 1: feeling like the kind of Okay, bye, he can't be
Speaker 1: gay if he's with you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 1: So you were just living out your I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: something be wrong with him?
Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know I wanted to be a I
Speaker 3: wanted to be a safe space for him, but because
Speaker 3: I was so like afraid, I think I ended up
Speaker 3: being the opposite of that and just adding more confusion
Speaker 3: into his life.
Speaker 1: So well, more confusion to your life.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: You said, I know what love looks like, but do
Speaker 1: you know what it feels like? Right? I love?
Speaker 2: Okay, I know what it feels like.
Speaker 1: And are you open to the possibility that you may
Speaker 1: not be able to feel that with a man?
Speaker 3: Damn?
Speaker 1: And that's okay.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would have to be And you know, I
Speaker 3: think that's one of my issues is you know I dated.
Speaker 3: I dated women up until I was about twenty five,
Speaker 3: and then I thought, you know, well I'm attracted to
Speaker 3: the man. I can date men too, and I never
Speaker 3: had the same kind of connection or feeling, because I
Speaker 3: feel like sisterhood has its own thing and it's familiar.
Speaker 3: I know it, I like it, I know what to
Speaker 3: do with it. But I haven't had many strong bonds
Speaker 3: with men in my life, so when I do create one,
Speaker 3: I don't understand and it may be right. And I
Speaker 3: don't know what love feels like coming from a man.
Speaker 3: I don't have a close relationship with my dad or
Speaker 3: my brothers or you know, so I don't know what
Speaker 3: that feels like, and it is confusing. But I do
Speaker 3: know what you know, like the socially acceptable, the violence
Speaker 3: and the harm and all that stuff. Those guys, I
Speaker 3: get that, that makes sense. I'm like, okay, yeah, I
Speaker 3: know you. But when I when I get what I
Speaker 3: say I want, I just my mind is in uh
Speaker 3: translated for me properly. So yeah, yeah, I have.
Speaker 1: A prescription for you, and I have I have a
Speaker 1: new name, not bisexual, but will sexual. I mean, I
Speaker 1: prefer my team, but I'm willing to go to the
Speaker 1: other team if I have to. But I don't know
Speaker 1: what that feels like. So I'm will sexual.
Speaker 3: That might be a thing. I thought this might as
Speaker 3: well work. I don't have any issues with it.
Speaker 1: So yeah, and you're calling the man gay and he
Speaker 1: with you here, But here's your prescription, all right, Get present,
Speaker 1: Get present with who you are and what feels right
Speaker 1: for you. Man, woman, bananas, you know, chipmunks, It don't matter, okay,
Speaker 1: what feels right for you and where you can be
Speaker 1: fully present in yourself with another person, with another person,
Speaker 1: stop trying to figure somebody else out, figure you out
Speaker 1: right and let yourself. Give yourself permission to know what
Speaker 1: you know and want what you want. Just give yourself
Speaker 1: permission to do that. And if I want a man
Speaker 1: Monday and a woman Tuesday, and you know, grit's Wednesday,
Speaker 1: it's okay. You live in this generation where it's okay
Speaker 1: to be fluid. I'm old, I'm og. We don't know
Speaker 1: nothing about that. Our motto is pick a team and
Speaker 1: play on it.
Speaker 3: Pray you're not stuck there, right, be present, present, get.
Speaker 1: Clear about what feels right for you. About that. I
Speaker 1: can say, we have a son.
Speaker 3: Right, yes, I do. He just turns forward.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you want to demonstrate to him what a
Speaker 1: woman looks like and what a woman feels like who
Speaker 1: she sleeps with. This secondary r what does a woman
Speaker 1: feel like to be fully present in herself and sharing
Speaker 1: herself with him? Because he's a man, he's gonna be
Speaker 1: a man, and that's somebody's father and somebody's else. So
Speaker 1: you want him to know what it feels like to
Speaker 1: be in the present of a woman who's fully present
Speaker 1: with herself.
Speaker 3: Okay, I can do that.
Speaker 1: Sound good?
Speaker 3: Yes it does. I think for your time.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling my love, kiss the baby for me?
Speaker 1: All right, well too, alrighty bye bye. Our fear, our intrepidation,
Speaker 1: our angst about a relationship not being successful, or being
Speaker 1: suspicious of cautious about somebody that wants to be in
Speaker 1: relationship with us will cause us to be overactive or
Speaker 1: inconsistent in a way that smothers and chokes the life
Speaker 1: out of the relationship. Listen, just be present, moment by
Speaker 1: moment by moment by moment. Instead of seeing the other
Speaker 1: person as someone coming to fix you, save you, fulfill you,
Speaker 1: trick you, disappoint you, what you wound you. Instead of
Speaker 1: seeing the other person like that, see them as your equal.
Speaker 1: Id the eyes soul to soul. This is another human
Speaker 1: being who's longing and desiring to be loved. Let me,
Speaker 1: show up in my loving and be with them, not
Speaker 1: let me see what they can give me. What are
Speaker 1: they trying to take for stop it to show up,
Speaker 1: ida eyes, soul to soul, moment to moment, and trust
Speaker 1: yourself enough to know if it's not for you, your
Speaker 1: belly will let you know. And when you hear that grumbling,
Speaker 1: that discord, that upset in your belly or in your heart,
Speaker 1: exit stage left, okay, or have a conversation this is
Speaker 1: not feeling good to me, Tell me this is what
Speaker 1: I'm feeling at the same time, don't kill the relationship
Speaker 1: because you're afraid it might die, So before it dies,
Speaker 1: you gonna kill it off with your crazyman and drama
Speaker 1: in ysteria. I hope that you know something now that
Speaker 1: you didn't know when you tuned in. And until we
Speaker 1: meet again, stay in peace and not pieces favor. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.