1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,720 Speaker 1: I am a Yama. I had a baby daddy relationship, 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,640 Speaker 1: I spend time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:32,880 Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:39,840 Speaker 1: It's important for us to understand how a relationship ends, 7 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,559 Speaker 1: so that we learn the lessons, that we identify the 8 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 1: mistakes so that we don't carry them forward. You know, 9 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 1: sometimes when a relationship ends, people go into a deep 10 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 1: sense of mourning that infects every relationship thereafter. Sometimes they 11 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 1: mourn for ever and just never even attempt to revive 12 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:10,400 Speaker 1: or be involved in another relationship. How did the relationship die? 13 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: Was it a slow death? Was it sudden and unexpected? 14 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: Was there somebody who did something? Were the people in 15 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:23,319 Speaker 1: the relationships the culprit one or both of them? And 16 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 1: what were the life saving attempts. If we can do 17 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: it for people and they're living, we can surely do 18 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 1: it for a relationship. And it's important and it's important 19 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,320 Speaker 1: that we understand the role we play in the way 20 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:44,320 Speaker 1: our relationship ends and what we can do differently the 21 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,560 Speaker 1: next time. So I've got some callers today, brave callers, 22 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 1: ready to do a relationship inventory to see if there's 23 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:57,120 Speaker 1: a culprit or if the thing just died a natural death. 24 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: Here's my first caller. Greetings, would love it, and welcome 25 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:06,200 Speaker 1: to the art spot. We are doing relationship autopsy today, 26 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 1: looking at what caused the thing to die. So I 27 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: understand you have a relationship that's no longer among you. 28 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,880 Speaker 1: How did it die? Come on? Spill the tea? Spill 29 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:18,480 Speaker 1: the tea. 30 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 2: My relationship basically failed because I never had really the 31 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 2: courage to speak up for myself and say what I wanted. 32 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,800 Speaker 2: And I was always afraid that if I did speak 33 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,799 Speaker 2: up and say something that either I wouldn't get it, 34 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,760 Speaker 2: or like somebody would get mad at me or something 35 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,960 Speaker 2: like that. And so things would just go on and 36 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 2: on with me not saying anything until it would just 37 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,799 Speaker 2: come to a head when I would get like super 38 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,800 Speaker 2: mad and like when I got upset. That's almost like 39 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,440 Speaker 2: when I gave myself permission to speak up and say something. 40 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 2: And by that time it was usually for me at 41 00:02:55,480 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 2: the point of like it's over now, and sometimes almost 42 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:04,560 Speaker 2: like blindsiden the person because they didn't really know what 43 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 2: was going on. They didn't know ourself this way. But 44 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,519 Speaker 2: because things have been going on in Mounting, then I'm 45 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,720 Speaker 2: just at the place like I'm done with this and 46 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 2: like i have no more to do with you. And 47 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 2: that's just been a pattern that I've had over the 48 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,200 Speaker 2: years that I'm trying to get out of. And I'm 49 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 2: hoping that you can give me some guidants and some 50 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 2: tools to you be able to have a successful and 51 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,160 Speaker 2: healthy long term relationship because I've been divers that one before. 52 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 1: Okay, how old was this relationship when it died? Uh? 53 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 2: Six to seven months? And that's my longest relationship. 54 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,880 Speaker 1: That ain't no relationship, y'all. Don't even know what brand 55 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: the toothpaste you used to That is a baby take 56 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,839 Speaker 1: nine months to be born. You had a premature birth here. 57 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:02,320 Speaker 1: That is not a relationship. He had a pre me. 58 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 2: Well, we made it, remained in contact up until four 59 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 2: weeks ago. 60 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,720 Speaker 1: So what happened four weeks ago? Spill the tea. What happened? 61 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,000 Speaker 2: He reached out like normal, wanted something from me that 62 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,919 Speaker 2: I usually would get, like whatever he would call to 63 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,000 Speaker 2: ask me, And this time he wanted to come and 64 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 2: take a nap in my place because he was in 65 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,520 Speaker 2: between ships with his job, and I was just at 66 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,160 Speaker 2: the point where I was like over him reaching out 67 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 2: to me only when he needed something, and so I 68 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,040 Speaker 2: just told him no, like no, But. 69 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: You trained him to do that. Yeah, absolutely, But you 70 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: you understand, you articulated to me what you do to 71 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,839 Speaker 1: kill your relationships. So first of all, you don't stay 72 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:54,160 Speaker 1: long enough. But that's number one, But number two that 73 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,840 Speaker 1: you don't have the courage to ask for what you want, 74 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 1: that you go into a relationship in the fear that 75 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:05,159 Speaker 1: you can't have what you want. That you go into 76 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,039 Speaker 1: a relationship with fear that if you don't please the 77 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,840 Speaker 1: other person that they're going to leave. That you people 78 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,120 Speaker 1: fall in love with who you're not, because when you 79 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:18,000 Speaker 1: don't ask for what you want and show up with 80 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 1: what you want, when you're in the people pleasing mood, 81 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 1: you're not showing up as who you are, You're showing 82 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,640 Speaker 1: up as who you not. And then they fall in 83 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 1: love with who you're not until you get fed up, 84 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: and then you blow up. Then they thank you some 85 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,080 Speaker 1: kind of nutball. 86 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,720 Speaker 2: Yes, And can I give a little backstory? 87 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:43,120 Speaker 1: Uh yeah, please, Well put on this tea right here, 88 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,599 Speaker 1: because it's a bit of that you've given me. 89 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 2: Okay. So I was molested as a child by my 90 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 2: older brother, and I subsequently gained a lot of weight. 91 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:56,720 Speaker 2: As a preteen, I was overweight like high school, gained 92 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 2: even more weight after my first year of college. And 93 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:02,240 Speaker 2: so after then, you know, I changed my eating habits 94 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,800 Speaker 2: and lost the weight. And before then, like when I 95 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,680 Speaker 2: was heavy, I was always known as like the person 96 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 2: the girl with the pretty face, or the one that 97 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 2: was funny because of my sense of humor. But men 98 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 2: weren't really interested in dating me. And so it was 99 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:16,839 Speaker 2: like when I lost the weight, all of a sudden, 100 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 2: I started getting all this attention for men, and it 101 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,839 Speaker 2: was frightening at first, but then it was like, oh okay. 102 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 2: And at that point it was like I was able 103 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 2: to get like the finest of the fine. And it 104 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 2: wasn't a conscious decision then, but looking back, I think 105 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 2: I liked the fact that I was the fat girl 106 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,680 Speaker 2: with the pretty faith who was able to attract these men, 107 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 2: like it was some sort of validation. And so at 108 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 2: that point, like with those men, I would give up 109 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 2: the goods too, soons it's super attached to them didn't 110 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,480 Speaker 2: really require anything from them, like I said, for fear 111 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 2: that they wouldn't do it, and really like have the 112 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,919 Speaker 2: nerve to expect to be treated like I was in 113 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,119 Speaker 2: a committed relationship, and if you said once I didn't 114 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 2: get it, I would just kind of spies out, create 115 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:07,159 Speaker 2: drama and be all immature. And the interesting thing is 116 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 2: with my last relationship, like I really wasn't attracted to 117 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 2: him physically. It just kind of grew over time. I 118 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:18,840 Speaker 2: didn't even have expectation of liking him, because usually my 119 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 2: pattern was when I was dealing with one of those guys, 120 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 2: I would usually do all the drama until I lost interest, 121 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 2: and I was usually by finding somebody else to have 122 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 2: an intimate accounter with, and then I was older, and 123 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 2: then like once I moved on in that way, and 124 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 2: so when I met him, that's kind of how that 125 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 2: happened because I was kind of sort of with somebody 126 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 2: else right before that or at that time, and kind 127 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 2: of he jumped into the picture and I used him 128 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 2: to get over the last guy, but then somehow ended 129 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,880 Speaker 2: up falling in love with him. And then after that point, 130 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 2: you know, he started off okay, but then he wasn't 131 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 2: keeping his word. He wasn't making me a priority. Got 132 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 2: to the point where he wasn't even making pleasure in 133 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 2: me during intimacy a priority. And so that started us 134 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 2: kind of pattern of me just breaking up with him, 135 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,400 Speaker 2: and then he would come back and apologize and we 136 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 2: would get back together. He would you know, not make 137 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 2: any changes. I would break up with him again, he 138 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 2: would come back. It was just that, and then finally 139 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 2: we finally like broke up, broke up about six or 140 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,200 Speaker 2: seven mins to the relationship. But like I said, we 141 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,520 Speaker 2: remained in contact, engage in intimacy every now and again 142 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 2: up until you know, a month ago, and I'm just 143 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 2: I just see it. I want to I want to 144 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,520 Speaker 2: get out of that, and I just I need to know. 145 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:36,439 Speaker 1: Wow, did I hear you accurately when you said your 146 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:40,240 Speaker 1: step brother violated you? 147 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,080 Speaker 2: No, it was my brother. 148 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:47,880 Speaker 1: We you my brother, same same mother, same father, just 149 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: same mom. Yeah, okay, And how old were you? 150 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 2: It was from Obahu seven to ten. 151 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 1: So hear what I'm saying saying? Okay, I don't have 152 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,320 Speaker 1: no heat of no judgment on this, but we're doing 153 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 1: an autopsy, so we've got to look at every organ, 154 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:14,800 Speaker 1: every structure, every system in this thing. So that we 155 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:23,320 Speaker 1: can determine what cause where we are right now, Okay, yeah, 156 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:28,320 Speaker 1: at some point in this thing with your brother, did 157 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:33,840 Speaker 1: you just give in, not fighting, just give in. Yes, 158 00:09:34,559 --> 00:09:40,000 Speaker 1: when you gave in, did you know it was wrong? 159 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 2: Absolutely? 160 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: I'm asking you this, I'm gonna tie it up. I'm 161 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 1: not asking you this, you know, not holding him accountable 162 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,280 Speaker 1: or responsible. You were seven to ten, how old was. 163 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 2: He nineteen nineteen to like twenty somethings. 164 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:05,960 Speaker 1: So authority, an elder male in your life, coerced you 165 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 1: into doing something that was wrong, bad, and you remain 166 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: silent about it. That's where you learned I can't speak 167 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: up for myself because when you are sexually violated by somebody, 168 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,360 Speaker 1: you know it's a catch twenty two because in one sense, 169 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,319 Speaker 1: you love this person, you care about this person, you 170 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: don't want to get them in trouble. And in the 171 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,520 Speaker 1: other hand, you know what you're doing is inappropriate or wrong. 172 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,720 Speaker 1: You probably don't want to do it even at some point. 173 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 1: There's this twist in the consciousness because you want to 174 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,240 Speaker 1: make this person happy, you want them to like you, 175 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,880 Speaker 1: you want them to love you. But in order to 176 00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,959 Speaker 1: get that, you've got to do something wrong. This crazy 177 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:05,680 Speaker 1: making right. Does that sound familiar to you? 178 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:10,520 Speaker 2: Absolutely? I mean, like I remember when I finally made 179 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:15,559 Speaker 2: the outfry to my parents and like my mother just. 180 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 3: Blew up, like she she ran back. 181 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,559 Speaker 2: He was asleep in the back. She ran back there. 182 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 2: She was like, get out, get out. And my brother 183 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 2: he's here and peers and she was just yelling him, 184 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,840 Speaker 2: get out, get out. And he was like, Mama, what 185 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 2: did I do? 186 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 3: What did I do? Get out? 187 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,960 Speaker 2: So, like he left and I felt horrible. I was like, 188 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,560 Speaker 2: oh my god, she put him out because of me, 189 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:44,160 Speaker 2: Oh my god. And it was like he came back 190 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 2: two days later and it never happened again. But we 191 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,160 Speaker 2: never talked about it ever. 192 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:56,760 Speaker 1: Yes, So a couple of things happened there that I 193 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:01,080 Speaker 1: really want you to understand, because you say you're in 194 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,079 Speaker 1: and out of these relationships for six months and then 195 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,560 Speaker 1: you're the you know, the big girl with the pretty 196 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: face and all of that because of the depth of 197 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:20,240 Speaker 1: betrayal that you experienced at a very young age. Your 198 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:25,439 Speaker 1: brother's betrayal of his position in your life, that's a betrayal. 199 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: He was supposed to protect you and look out for you. 200 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 1: He betrayed that position. He abused his power. If you will, 201 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 1: being your elder brother, the betrayal of yourself by allowing 202 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: or participating, not allowing participating in this thing that violated you, 203 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 1: this thing that you knew you were wrong, but to 204 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:58,840 Speaker 1: spare him trouble, which he eventually got. Yeah, that's why 205 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:03,199 Speaker 1: you felt terrible. To spare him trouble, you sacrificed and 206 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:07,640 Speaker 1: betrayed yourself. Do you understand that? 207 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:08,320 Speaker 2: Yes? 208 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 1: And then the weight. So somewhere in there between seven 209 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: and ten, you lost your definition of self. This is me, 210 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:22,520 Speaker 1: I'm a girl, this is my body. I get to say, 211 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,080 Speaker 1: I get to say. But if I say, my brother's 212 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: gonna get in trouble. If I say, then people will 213 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 1: think I'm bad, I'm wrong. So your concept of intimacy 214 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: is off. Intimacy is shrouded in secrecy and wrongness. Yes, 215 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:52,920 Speaker 1: And at seven to ten, when you're just budding and 216 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 1: blossoming and flowering, you know, God forbid he should do 217 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:03,960 Speaker 1: something that feels good because the body is gonna respond naturally. 218 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,800 Speaker 1: Oh my god, Now I'm a part two. I'm complicit 219 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: in my own violation. 220 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 2: And that did happen? 221 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 1: Does that sound from? Yeah? Oh baby? So what you 222 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: did then in that confusion, and that betrayal was you 223 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 1: patted yourself to protect yourself. That's what the weight was form. 224 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,840 Speaker 1: But even if you lose the weight, you're still padded 225 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:38,440 Speaker 1: and protected, not having the courage to ask for what 226 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 1: you want because if you speak up, it's gonna be 227 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 1: a problem. So I've got to please people even though 228 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 1: they treat me bad, and I just can't take this anymore. 229 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:53,360 Speaker 1: So now I'm a blow up. Yeah, so here's the 230 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: good news. Here's the good news. You don't need a 231 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 1: relationship autopsy because you ain't no had one, so it 232 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: ain't dead. You ain't never had a relationship participated in 233 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:14,200 Speaker 1: all manner of dysfunction. But and you participated. You I'm 234 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,080 Speaker 1: not gonna say you were a willing participant because it's 235 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: seven to ten. You didn't have a choice. So you 236 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:25,720 Speaker 1: don't need an autosy. What you need is a thorough examination. 237 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:35,080 Speaker 1: You need a thorough examination of your relationship with yourself 238 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:41,119 Speaker 1: and what you told yourself about yourself as a result 239 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 1: of the early violation and betrayal. Now you've told yourself 240 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:52,120 Speaker 1: that it's okay to betray yourself, dishonor yourself if it 241 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: makes somebody else happy, Well we're not together, come to 242 00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:03,920 Speaker 1: my house and take a nap the hell because you 243 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 1: you are not going to be able to have a relationship, 244 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:13,880 Speaker 1: I mean really an intimate relationship, because intimacy means in 245 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 1: to me see, but if people look into you, you 246 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,080 Speaker 1: think they're going to see what you did with your 247 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: brother mm hmm. So it's going to be hard for 248 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: you to build a relationship with yourself with anybody until 249 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,200 Speaker 1: you build a relationship with yourself, because you never have one. 250 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 2: Right, what you're saying is really hitting home because like, yeah, 251 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,520 Speaker 2: even though I lost the weight, like I do still 252 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,680 Speaker 2: feel like that little girl sometimes and feel like I 253 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 2: can't speak up. And I've been trying to make those 254 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,920 Speaker 2: changes in my life, like not even just with intimate partners, 255 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,440 Speaker 2: but just even with just family and friends speaking up 256 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,960 Speaker 2: because I wouldn't before. And so I do realize that 257 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 2: those changes have to be made before I can have 258 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 2: a successful relationship. And I'm just trying to get there. Really, 259 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 2: EQUI running everybody. 260 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,720 Speaker 1: Off, Well, you're not running everybody off. You've left home 261 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,280 Speaker 1: when you were seven. The lights are on in nobody's home. 262 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 2: Baby. 263 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back, Welcome back 264 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. 265 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:35,119 Speaker 1: How old are you now? 266 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 2: My love? WHOA yeah, time is of the it. 267 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 1: But you know what, let me just say this to you. 268 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,200 Speaker 1: Because you said I don't have the courage. I never 269 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 1: had the courage. That is not true. You are courageous 270 00:17:53,200 --> 00:18:00,680 Speaker 1: to continue to try, to continue to desire, to continue 271 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 1: to want it, and to be able to say I'm 272 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:09,359 Speaker 1: messing this up. I need some help. That's courageous. Don't 273 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,560 Speaker 1: you ever say that you're not courageous. You were never 274 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: taught how to use your voice, and it's unloving to 275 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 1: expect yourself to know how to do something you were 276 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,200 Speaker 1: never taught how to do. You weren't taught how to 277 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,159 Speaker 1: use your voice as a woman. It started when you 278 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,680 Speaker 1: were seven to ten, and you were silenced by self 279 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:32,600 Speaker 1: betrayal and coercion and manipulation for somebody else's pleasure. 280 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 2: No, no, yeah, and here recently, like well probably it's 281 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:40,840 Speaker 2: been about six months. I had to cut off my 282 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:46,199 Speaker 2: brother because he's in prison for unrelated issue, and he 283 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,480 Speaker 2: would continue to call me and try to manipulate me 284 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,080 Speaker 2: to send him money and would try to make me 285 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:52,679 Speaker 2: feel bad because I wouldn't send him money in prison 286 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,879 Speaker 2: like all the other prisoners. There are people sending money, 287 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,199 Speaker 2: and you know I need money from you and I 288 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 2: don't have anything. And for sometime I would send it, 289 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 2: but it just got to the point where I'm like, no, 290 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,479 Speaker 2: you don't get to manipulate me from stitting behind bars. 291 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:08,280 Speaker 2: Absolutely not. 292 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: He is behind bars for all of this. 293 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 3: Now. 294 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,480 Speaker 1: He may not have no. 295 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,960 Speaker 2: Not for this. No, no, he was nothing ever came 296 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:15,200 Speaker 2: with it. 297 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:21,600 Speaker 1: No, yes he is, Oh, yes he is. Get it. 298 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:26,119 Speaker 1: He is behind bars as a result of whatever it 299 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:30,040 Speaker 1: was that A allowed this to happen for so long. 300 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: Be taught him that it was all right and c 301 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: didn't correct it. 302 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 2: Mm hmm. That's true. 303 00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:41,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, no, there was no correction. But I'm not talking 304 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 1: to him. I'm talking to you. So here's another prescription 305 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 1: for you. Yes, where do you live? 306 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,720 Speaker 2: I live in Dallas, Okay. 307 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,239 Speaker 1: I want you to go find a yoga class. I'm 308 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,800 Speaker 1: gonna tell you why. I want you to find a 309 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:57,879 Speaker 1: yoga class. 310 00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 3: M h. 311 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:04,000 Speaker 1: Because it's gonna help you get in your body. Your 312 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:09,399 Speaker 1: body's padded to protect you because you're not home. And yoga, 313 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:14,359 Speaker 1: the breath and the movement that's gonna help you land 314 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 1: fully in your body. You're not in your body. 315 00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 2: And that's interesting because I had started. There's a black 316 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,680 Speaker 2: owned yoga too, and she has hot yoga, and so. 317 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:31,719 Speaker 1: Oh, go to the hot yoga. Baby. Yeah, I do 318 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,399 Speaker 1: love me some hot yoga. Oh, I do love it 319 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: so much. But the heat and the movement and if 320 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 1: she's doing bickram, I don't know if she's doing bickroom 321 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: or she's just doing a different masanas in the heat. 322 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,400 Speaker 1: But it'll help you land in your body. That's what 323 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 1: you have to do. And you take your time. Don't 324 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,720 Speaker 1: give up because everybody else can stick their toe in 325 00:20:53,760 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 1: they ear and you can't. They don't worry about your 326 00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 1: toe in your ear. You get there when you can. 327 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 1: But it's the breath and it's the movement landing in 328 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:11,440 Speaker 1: your body. You left home at seven and I don't 329 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:16,080 Speaker 1: think you've come home yet. And beloved, I need, I 330 00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 1: need a promise for me that you ain't given nobody, 331 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:23,679 Speaker 1: no nookie for the next nine months. I want you 332 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,080 Speaker 1: to do nine months of therapy, nine months of yoga, 333 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: and then let's see if we can birth a new you. 334 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: No nukie, no nokie for you. 335 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 2: Because I was just about to ask you, like, what 336 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,800 Speaker 2: do you think I should do to prepare myself to 337 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:40,880 Speaker 2: be in relationship? 338 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:41,160 Speaker 3: God? 339 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,800 Speaker 1: Now, ain't that that? 340 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:47,359 Speaker 2: Ain't it sounds like the concern of that. 341 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,119 Speaker 1: No, because you got to learn how to be in 342 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 1: your body with yourself before you start giving it away 343 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,639 Speaker 1: and sharing your energy with other people. I want you 344 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 1: to get in there. I want you to feel your body. 345 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,760 Speaker 1: I want you to know what makes your nipples a hard. 346 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 1: I want you to know you know when the distinction 347 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 1: between gas and fear. I want you to know when 348 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:14,720 Speaker 1: when you're feeling joy or peace, or when you're feeling triggered. Yeah, 349 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 1: you know, get in your body into me. See. I 350 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,560 Speaker 1: want you to learn how to see in yourself. Yeah, 351 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:28,359 Speaker 1: don't get no good ease to nobody, no nookie for you. Say, listen, 352 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:40,000 Speaker 1: you gotta build a relationship with yourself. And at forty seven, 353 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 1: you know it's not too late. You're heading toward fifty four. 354 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 1: That's really what's going to make a difference. So you 355 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:56,560 Speaker 1: got time, but no nookie. Yoga therapy, coloring, coloring really 356 00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:00,480 Speaker 1: really good because what coloring does is it focus the 357 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:04,800 Speaker 1: brain number one and it brings things up to the surface, 358 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:09,720 Speaker 1: but the colors will dispel the energy of it. If 359 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:15,919 Speaker 1: you can get a mandola coloring book. A mandola is 360 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:21,680 Speaker 1: a design that has very little intricate pieces and parts familiar, 361 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 1: and you color each one. Use two colors or three colors. 362 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 1: Don't use a whole bunch of colors. So if you 363 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 1: paint one red, orange and yellow, and then the next 364 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,960 Speaker 1: one may be blue, green, and purple, and then do 365 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 1: one just black and white. To really get your your 366 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 1: get your brain focused on you, on your energy. Coloring 367 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: will focus your energy. Yeah, and do that yoga at 368 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 1: least two or three times a week. 369 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,920 Speaker 2: And I'm fifteen days sober right now. And so there's that, 370 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,440 Speaker 2: and so I'm working through. 371 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:03,600 Speaker 1: That. 372 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 2: You said, just trying to use all this. I just 373 00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:10,280 Speaker 2: really want to evolve into a better me, so that 374 00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 2: you know, yes, for me, for my daughter, for all this, 375 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 2: and I'm doing my things. 376 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:20,159 Speaker 1: You are, you are evolving. How old is your daughter? 377 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 2: He's fourteen? 378 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 1: Okay, get a copy of and one day my soul 379 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:32,880 Speaker 1: opened up. Get okay, do it with your daughter. Go 380 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,440 Speaker 1: back and do it with your daughter. Make a little 381 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 1: mourning ritual. Make a little mourning ritual. You all have 382 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,639 Speaker 1: tea or coffee or something, even if you do it 383 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: once a week and read through the story and answer 384 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:49,280 Speaker 1: those questions, because she who lived in your body is 385 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,600 Speaker 1: going to tell you what's going on inside of you. 386 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,199 Speaker 2: Yes, man, I love that idea. I love that idea. 387 00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:00,200 Speaker 2: And yeah, that book is what made me realize I 388 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,680 Speaker 2: said I was the problem in these relationships. 389 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:07,320 Speaker 1: I was like, oopsie, you have not had a relationship. 390 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:16,679 Speaker 2: What I get, I am right, and I want that 391 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:17,080 Speaker 2: for you. 392 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,080 Speaker 1: I want you to have a relationship, and you know, 393 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:23,840 Speaker 1: and not an escape route. I want you to have 394 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:29,680 Speaker 1: a relationship first with yourself because the courage that you are, 395 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: the power that you are, I really want you to 396 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:38,199 Speaker 1: share that with somebody because it's it's it's beautiful. I 397 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,640 Speaker 1: know it sounds dysfunctional, but when you clean it up, 398 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,480 Speaker 1: it's gonna be beautiful. 399 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,200 Speaker 2: Oh I like that. That's exciting. 400 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:51,240 Speaker 1: You're gonna be busy till you're fifty four, coloring yoga, 401 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:56,159 Speaker 1: reading the book. No, no, nookie. 402 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,880 Speaker 2: I ain't gonna have time for that anyway, with all 403 00:25:58,880 --> 00:25:59,359 Speaker 2: this worker. 404 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,240 Speaker 1: So hopefully you'll get something before you fifty four, but 405 00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,040 Speaker 1: we want it to be right this time. 406 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 2: Absolutely, that's the part right there. 407 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,120 Speaker 1: Oh, my beloved, I wish you. Oh my gosh, I'm 408 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:16,800 Speaker 1: so excited for you. You're at such a wonderful time 409 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,320 Speaker 1: in your life as a woman. You know, you still 410 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,879 Speaker 1: got a fourteen year old princess that you can impact. 411 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,159 Speaker 1: And you got it. You got it. You're not in 412 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,280 Speaker 1: a bottle, You're not at the end of a needle. 413 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:35,320 Speaker 1: You can go to yoga. Oh, I'm excited for you. Oh, 414 00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 1: thank you, Thank you for calling, my beloved. 415 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:41,280 Speaker 2: Thank you. I appreciate you. 416 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,080 Speaker 1: Okay, I appreciate you too. Wish you the best. 417 00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:45,800 Speaker 2: All right, thank you, bye bye. 418 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:52,080 Speaker 1: If I were to do a relationship autopsy on fifty 419 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 1: thousand relationships, what I'm going to find in every core, 420 00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: every system, every organ, every tissue, every muscle, the only 421 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:06,520 Speaker 1: thing I'm gonna find is a reflection of the relationship 422 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:11,280 Speaker 1: you're having with your self. If you ain't present for you, 423 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 1: if you don't trust you, if you don't respect you, 424 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,840 Speaker 1: if you don't tell you the truth, you're gonna marry 425 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,560 Speaker 1: it or live with it for eighteen years. I think 426 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:27,479 Speaker 1: I've gotten another caller. Greetings, beloved, welcome to the ur spot. 427 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: Thank you for joining me today, and thank you for 428 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:35,600 Speaker 1: your patience. Now we're doing a relationship autopsy. I understand 429 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,560 Speaker 1: that you have a relationship that's no longer with us. 430 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:43,200 Speaker 1: So tell me how did it end? How did it die? 431 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:49,160 Speaker 3: So I say the relationship ended. It was kind of ambiguous. 432 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:54,919 Speaker 3: We just kind of fell off communication wise. But I 433 00:27:54,960 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 3: think that there was just a lot of confusion going 434 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,480 Speaker 3: on and we stopped trying to figure it out. 435 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,520 Speaker 1: Mmm, so you got a John Doe death, just dead. 436 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:08,199 Speaker 1: Don't know why, don't know who it is. 437 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:13,919 Speaker 3: Yeah. I had a sneaking suspicion that my partner was 438 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:19,199 Speaker 3: a you know, like bisexual or homosexual. But I couldn't 439 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,439 Speaker 3: really you know, I couldn't prove it. It was just 440 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:25,440 Speaker 3: a feeling I had. But sometimes I wonder if maybe 441 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,280 Speaker 3: he was just showing traits and characteristics that I'm not 442 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,840 Speaker 3: used to, you know, heterosexual men showing. 443 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 1: At all such as such. Ass do Tael spill the tea? 444 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:39,520 Speaker 3: Honestly? I mean, he just he showed up. He was 445 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 3: always there. I mean, this was like the perfect guy. 446 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,000 Speaker 3: He was tall, he was fit, he had a vibrant 447 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,160 Speaker 3: social life. He took care of his sisters, he took 448 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:52,480 Speaker 3: care of his mom. He always one thing I never 449 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 3: experienced this man could calm me down, like he'd never 450 00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:00,520 Speaker 3: escalated any disagreement we were ever in. Everything was always calm. 451 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 3: But he was raised with like nine sisters, so he 452 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:08,880 Speaker 3: had some very feminine mannerisms, Like he did a lot 453 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,640 Speaker 3: of huffing and puffing, and he kind of just the 454 00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:16,200 Speaker 3: way you would hang his head, and it was just 455 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:19,400 Speaker 3: he had some feminine gestures, but he did all the 456 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,840 Speaker 3: very manly things that you know men are supposed to do, 457 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,840 Speaker 3: you think. But he also just he never really looked 458 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 3: that happy to see me, but he did everything that 459 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,400 Speaker 3: showed me he was there for me. But I never 460 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 3: felt like he was like attracted to me and he 461 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:37,880 Speaker 3: wanted me and he was happy to be there. I 462 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,760 Speaker 3: just felt like, you know, he was just showing up 463 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,480 Speaker 3: for me because that's what he knew how to do 464 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 3: for people. Because I feel like I have the gatar, 465 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:47,840 Speaker 3: But then I feel like, well, they don't know, and 466 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:50,640 Speaker 3: they're not gonna they don't know, and I'm just afraid 467 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 3: they're gonna, you know, they won't know until they're like 468 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,080 Speaker 3: sixty and we had ten kids, and I'm you know, 469 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,920 Speaker 3: I'm just afraid that they would't figure it out. Till later. 470 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:04,920 Speaker 1: Oh, you got a lot of work. We'll talk about 471 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:11,640 Speaker 1: that right after the Welcome back to the R spot. 472 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:17,080 Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. How old was the relationship? 473 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,120 Speaker 3: So we were together on and off for about a 474 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 3: year and a half, maybe two years. I kind of 475 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,400 Speaker 3: changed the title on it. It was supposed to be 476 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:27,560 Speaker 3: a hookup. Then I thought this is a great guy. 477 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 3: I have a two year old son. He'd be a 478 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:34,240 Speaker 3: great dad. We should be together. And then we were 479 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:37,720 Speaker 3: together and I was like, I don't feel any passion, 480 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:41,280 Speaker 3: I don't feel any fire. We should just be friends. 481 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:41,480 Speaker 2: You know. 482 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,440 Speaker 3: It was like back and forth like that a lot. 483 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,479 Speaker 3: But whatever I said, he kind of just went with 484 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 3: it until one day I had to talk with him 485 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:51,400 Speaker 3: and I was like, hey, you know, i've been really 486 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,920 Speaker 3: wishy washying back and forth with you over the past 487 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 3: couple of years. I was like, I'm really sorry about that. 488 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,280 Speaker 3: I think I was insecure and this and that, and 489 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,160 Speaker 3: you know, I'm ready to just give it a hundred percent. 490 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,000 Speaker 3: And after I did that, do you know this man 491 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:07,720 Speaker 3: just slowly faded into the distance. 492 00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:09,480 Speaker 1: Yeah. 493 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:14,040 Speaker 3: Like I didn't know what to do, so but I 494 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,200 Speaker 3: thought maybe we just didn't have a lot in common, 495 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:18,320 Speaker 3: and like I told y'all, was all over the place, 496 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:20,200 Speaker 3: and I still kind of think he's a little gay. 497 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:21,080 Speaker 3: I just I don't know. 498 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,720 Speaker 1: So I'm going to ask you this, what are you 499 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:30,680 Speaker 1: acting like? You don't know? Take a breath. I'm acting 500 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 1: like I don't know what? What are you acting like? 501 00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 1: You don't know? 502 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:43,040 Speaker 3: I'm acting like I don't know that I'm inconsistent. 503 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 1: Okay, maybe all right? What else I'm acting like? I 504 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:49,960 Speaker 1: don't know what. 505 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:55,479 Speaker 3: Else I'm acting like I don't know. I think the 506 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:59,120 Speaker 3: way my insecurities are set up, I think anybody who 507 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:03,480 Speaker 3: ever truly shows me that I'm worth loving, I think 508 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:05,600 Speaker 3: it's I think it's something wrong with them. And I 509 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:09,880 Speaker 3: think maybe this person is not good because there there's 510 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,240 Speaker 3: must be something wrong with them. I honestly, I think 511 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,200 Speaker 3: I'm just asking like I don't know what love looks like? 512 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,960 Speaker 1: Okay, and you do know? Do you know what love 513 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:20,440 Speaker 1: looks like? 514 00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:23,240 Speaker 3: I know what it looks like because when I see it, 515 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:27,480 Speaker 3: I think I deserve this and I want this, and 516 00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 3: this makes me happy. But I still find a way 517 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,040 Speaker 3: to to to be to be unfulfilled. You know, I 518 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:37,800 Speaker 3: know I got to fulfill myself, but I still find 519 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,360 Speaker 3: a way to just think, you know, all they talk 520 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:45,400 Speaker 3: about those patterns, like we like patterns and and and 521 00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:48,200 Speaker 3: I feel like that's what happens. Like I don't think 522 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:51,800 Speaker 3: love from a man is in my history. I don't 523 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:55,719 Speaker 3: have the blueprint or the pattern for it. So I 524 00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:57,920 Speaker 3: see it and I think, oh, I like that, I 525 00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,640 Speaker 3: want that. And then maybe I receive it and I think, well, 526 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,120 Speaker 3: this is weird, and I don't know what to do 527 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:08,400 Speaker 3: with that. And I'm honestly I'm bisexual myself, so I 528 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,280 Speaker 3: don't think I will really care if. 529 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:15,600 Speaker 1: My thank you. I was wondering when you was gonna 530 00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:22,360 Speaker 1: get there. Yeah, I'm acting like I don't know. I'm bisexual, Yeah, 531 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:26,400 Speaker 1: and inconsistent in it and not fully present in it, 532 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:30,400 Speaker 1: not owning it fully. So you're only going to attract 533 00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:33,080 Speaker 1: what you are. The cause of the death of this relation. 534 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: It was a murder. It was a cold case you 535 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,880 Speaker 1: not fully standing up in who you are. Being who 536 00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,280 Speaker 1: you are, you can't attract a man who's gonna stand 537 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:50,320 Speaker 1: up in it. And maybe the same kind of inconsistency 538 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:54,040 Speaker 1: lack of full presence he had to his sexual identity. 539 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,680 Speaker 1: It's a reflection of you in your in your did 540 00:33:57,680 --> 00:33:59,000 Speaker 1: he know you were bisexual? 541 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:00,520 Speaker 3: Yeah? 542 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:02,320 Speaker 1: And what did he say about himself? 543 00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:07,320 Speaker 3: He didn't, He didn't really say he didn't really say anything. 544 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:10,959 Speaker 3: I mean, but no man I've ever dated is well, 545 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:13,200 Speaker 3: actually there was one friend I had that system. But 546 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,239 Speaker 3: I never experienced a guy just being like, hey, I'm 547 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,640 Speaker 3: I have been curious or I've been fluid or whatever 548 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,600 Speaker 3: like it just it's like not socially acceptable to say. 549 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 3: And so that's why I get a freak. 550 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:29,279 Speaker 1: Okay, And it probably is a little more difficult for 551 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:33,239 Speaker 1: men to say that than it is for women. You know, 552 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,520 Speaker 1: there seems to be a lot more heat on it 553 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:40,400 Speaker 1: when men say it. Yeah, so maybe he's inconsistent in 554 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:45,719 Speaker 1: his sexuality. Maybe he's inconsistent or not fully present in 555 00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:51,520 Speaker 1: his sexual identity. So you just attracted yourself. Yeah, And 556 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,879 Speaker 1: it sounds like when you're with a woman, you want 557 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:55,919 Speaker 1: to be with a woman, and when you're with a man, 558 00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,120 Speaker 1: you you know, you want alpha man, you want to 559 00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:04,400 Speaker 1: a pull you around by your ass and kill a 560 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:10,520 Speaker 1: lion and bring it home and slapping on the table, right, 561 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:17,560 Speaker 1: you know, but you also threw out enough hoops and 562 00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:21,760 Speaker 1: tests to run him off, holding there must be something 563 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:27,200 Speaker 1: wrong with him instead of even in my bisexuality, this 564 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:29,520 Speaker 1: is the kind of man I want, and he ain't 565 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,959 Speaker 1: feeling like that. That's it. It's not simple. He ain't 566 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,560 Speaker 1: feeling like the kind of Okay, bye, he can't be 567 00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:36,480 Speaker 1: gay if he's with you. 568 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:40,840 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's fair. 569 00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:43,160 Speaker 1: So you were just living out your I'm gonna make 570 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:44,520 Speaker 1: something be wrong with him? 571 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know I wanted to be a I 572 00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:50,080 Speaker 3: wanted to be a safe space for him, but because 573 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:54,120 Speaker 3: I was so like afraid, I think I ended up 574 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:57,799 Speaker 3: being the opposite of that and just adding more confusion 575 00:35:57,880 --> 00:35:58,920 Speaker 3: into his life. 576 00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:02,960 Speaker 1: So well, more confusion to your life. 577 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:05,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, exactly. 578 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,759 Speaker 1: You said, I know what love looks like, but do 579 00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:11,800 Speaker 1: you know what it feels like? Right? I love? 580 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,600 Speaker 2: Okay, I know what it feels like. 581 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:19,839 Speaker 1: And are you open to the possibility that you may 582 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:22,839 Speaker 1: not be able to feel that with a man? 583 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:23,960 Speaker 3: Damn? 584 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:27,120 Speaker 1: And that's okay. 585 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, I would have to be And you know, I 586 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:32,480 Speaker 3: think that's one of my issues is you know I dated. 587 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:36,160 Speaker 3: I dated women up until I was about twenty five, 588 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,600 Speaker 3: and then I thought, you know, well I'm attracted to 589 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:41,480 Speaker 3: the man. I can date men too, and I never 590 00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:45,000 Speaker 3: had the same kind of connection or feeling, because I 591 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:47,960 Speaker 3: feel like sisterhood has its own thing and it's familiar. 592 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:50,480 Speaker 3: I know it, I like it, I know what to 593 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:54,280 Speaker 3: do with it. But I haven't had many strong bonds 594 00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:58,239 Speaker 3: with men in my life, so when I do create one, 595 00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:02,480 Speaker 3: I don't understand and it may be right. And I 596 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,799 Speaker 3: don't know what love feels like coming from a man. 597 00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:06,920 Speaker 3: I don't have a close relationship with my dad or 598 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:09,080 Speaker 3: my brothers or you know, so I don't know what 599 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:12,200 Speaker 3: that feels like, and it is confusing. But I do 600 00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:16,120 Speaker 3: know what you know, like the socially acceptable, the violence 601 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:18,480 Speaker 3: and the harm and all that stuff. Those guys, I 602 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:20,839 Speaker 3: get that, that makes sense. I'm like, okay, yeah, I 603 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:23,600 Speaker 3: know you. But when I when I get what I 604 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,920 Speaker 3: say I want, I just my mind is in uh 605 00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:34,000 Speaker 3: translated for me properly. So yeah, yeah, I have. 606 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,520 Speaker 1: A prescription for you, and I have I have a 607 00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:43,719 Speaker 1: new name, not bisexual, but will sexual. I mean, I 608 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:47,520 Speaker 1: prefer my team, but I'm willing to go to the 609 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,799 Speaker 1: other team if I have to. But I don't know 610 00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:51,719 Speaker 1: what that feels like. So I'm will sexual. 611 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:55,839 Speaker 3: That might be a thing. I thought this might as 612 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,040 Speaker 3: well work. I don't have any issues with it. 613 00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:01,799 Speaker 1: So yeah, and you're calling the man gay and he 614 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:08,040 Speaker 1: with you here, But here's your prescription, all right, Get present, 615 00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:14,200 Speaker 1: Get present with who you are and what feels right 616 00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:20,200 Speaker 1: for you. Man, woman, bananas, you know, chipmunks, It don't matter, okay, 617 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:25,239 Speaker 1: what feels right for you and where you can be 618 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:31,000 Speaker 1: fully present in yourself with another person, with another person, 619 00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,719 Speaker 1: stop trying to figure somebody else out, figure you out 620 00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:40,839 Speaker 1: right and let yourself. Give yourself permission to know what 621 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:44,320 Speaker 1: you know and want what you want. Just give yourself 622 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,000 Speaker 1: permission to do that. And if I want a man 623 00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:51,160 Speaker 1: Monday and a woman Tuesday, and you know, grit's Wednesday, 624 00:38:51,239 --> 00:38:58,280 Speaker 1: it's okay. You live in this generation where it's okay 625 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:02,080 Speaker 1: to be fluid. I'm old, I'm og. We don't know 626 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:04,839 Speaker 1: nothing about that. Our motto is pick a team and 627 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:05,520 Speaker 1: play on it. 628 00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:15,080 Speaker 3: Pray you're not stuck there, right, be present, present, get. 629 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:21,520 Speaker 1: Clear about what feels right for you. About that. I 630 00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:23,040 Speaker 1: can say, we have a son. 631 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,520 Speaker 3: Right, yes, I do. He just turns forward. 632 00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:29,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you want to demonstrate to him what a 633 00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:32,359 Speaker 1: woman looks like and what a woman feels like who 634 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:36,040 Speaker 1: she sleeps with. This secondary r what does a woman 635 00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:40,760 Speaker 1: feel like to be fully present in herself and sharing 636 00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:44,400 Speaker 1: herself with him? Because he's a man, he's gonna be 637 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:48,920 Speaker 1: a man, and that's somebody's father and somebody's else. So 638 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:51,239 Speaker 1: you want him to know what it feels like to 639 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:53,920 Speaker 1: be in the present of a woman who's fully present 640 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:54,600 Speaker 1: with herself. 641 00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,439 Speaker 3: Okay, I can do that. 642 00:39:57,760 --> 00:39:58,319 Speaker 1: Sound good? 643 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,279 Speaker 3: Yes it does. I think for your time. 644 00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:04,040 Speaker 1: Thank you for calling my love, kiss the baby for me? 645 00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:13,600 Speaker 1: All right, well too, alrighty bye bye. Our fear, our intrepidation, 646 00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:22,280 Speaker 1: our angst about a relationship not being successful, or being 647 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:27,759 Speaker 1: suspicious of cautious about somebody that wants to be in 648 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:35,000 Speaker 1: relationship with us will cause us to be overactive or 649 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:40,120 Speaker 1: inconsistent in a way that smothers and chokes the life 650 00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:46,759 Speaker 1: out of the relationship. Listen, just be present, moment by 651 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:52,040 Speaker 1: moment by moment by moment. Instead of seeing the other 652 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:56,719 Speaker 1: person as someone coming to fix you, save you, fulfill you, 653 00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:01,560 Speaker 1: trick you, disappoint you, what you wound you. Instead of 654 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:05,320 Speaker 1: seeing the other person like that, see them as your equal. 655 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:11,560 Speaker 1: Id the eyes soul to soul. This is another human 656 00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:18,040 Speaker 1: being who's longing and desiring to be loved. Let me, 657 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:23,440 Speaker 1: show up in my loving and be with them, not 658 00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:25,279 Speaker 1: let me see what they can give me. What are 659 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:29,879 Speaker 1: they trying to take for stop it to show up, 660 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:34,680 Speaker 1: ida eyes, soul to soul, moment to moment, and trust 661 00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:38,040 Speaker 1: yourself enough to know if it's not for you, your 662 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:41,120 Speaker 1: belly will let you know. And when you hear that grumbling, 663 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:45,480 Speaker 1: that discord, that upset in your belly or in your heart, 664 00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:50,759 Speaker 1: exit stage left, okay, or have a conversation this is 665 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:53,600 Speaker 1: not feeling good to me, Tell me this is what 666 00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:59,880 Speaker 1: I'm feeling at the same time, don't kill the relationship 667 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,560 Speaker 1: because you're afraid it might die, So before it dies, 668 00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,880 Speaker 1: you gonna kill it off with your crazyman and drama 669 00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:11,200 Speaker 1: in ysteria. I hope that you know something now that 670 00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:15,400 Speaker 1: you didn't know when you tuned in. And until we 671 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:24,040 Speaker 1: meet again, stay in peace and not pieces favor. The 672 00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:28,120 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 673 00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:33,279 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 674 00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:38,040 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 675 00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:39,759 Speaker 1: favorite shows.