1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:09,800 Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the 3 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: home office in Austin, Texas, where today we're talking about 4 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 1: sex Baby, just you and me, well and Xander and Vanessa. 5 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:22,119 Speaker 2: And all of you at home, because we got some 6 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:27,040 Speaker 2: questions from you all. For Vanessa and Xander Marin. They 7 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 2: are a couple who works together in the sex, marriage 8 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,680 Speaker 2: and family therapy space. They have a podcast, they've ran 9 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 2: a New York Times best selling book, and so we 10 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,800 Speaker 2: did one incredible episode with them where we just kind 11 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 2: of got to know them a little bit and talk 12 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 2: through some big picture stuff. And then now we are 13 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 2: getting specific with questions, burning questions, burning desire questions that 14 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:48,519 Speaker 2: you all have. 15 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,680 Speaker 1: So without further ado, let's bring back Vanessa and Xander 16 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 1: to the most dramatic podcast ever. Vanessa and Xander, thank 17 00:00:55,920 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: you guys so much for joining us for a second episode. 18 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 1: So that first episode, if you haven't listened to it, 19 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,679 Speaker 1: go back. We covered a lot about relationships, We covered 20 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: a lot about the basics. We had a lot of 21 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 1: questions from our listeners who wanted to get deeper, no 22 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 1: pun intended. Why does everything sound sexual when you're having 23 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,400 Speaker 1: a sex. 24 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,399 Speaker 3: Talk, everything can be made sexual. 25 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,319 Speaker 1: Yes, everything in your home. 26 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 2: You are sex a couple that works together in sex therapy. 27 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,360 Speaker 2: At this point, do you acknowledge the puns and jokes 28 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,880 Speaker 2: or do you just move right past them and you're 29 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:32,200 Speaker 2: over it? 30 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,280 Speaker 3: Oh, we're so cheesy. We were making all the joke. 31 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 3: Any chance we can get to turn something into a 32 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:38,680 Speaker 3: sex joke. 33 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:39,839 Speaker 4: It's how we flirt. 34 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, babe, you reached out. We got a ton 35 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: of questions from our listeners. Just start firing. We'll see 36 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: how many of these we can get through. 37 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,080 Speaker 2: Okay, Well, you guys are all about as we were 38 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,280 Speaker 2: just saying starting the conversation. So here's a question about 39 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 2: conversations with sex in your relationship. This person wants to 40 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,520 Speaker 2: know when do you first share your fantasies with someone 41 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,920 Speaker 2: you're dating. When should you have that first conversation not 42 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,360 Speaker 2: just about sex, but these are my fantasies. 43 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,800 Speaker 3: Great question. So our book Sex Talks is the five 44 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:16,360 Speaker 3: conversations that will transform your level life. Talking about fantasies 45 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:20,360 Speaker 3: is the fifth conversation in a specific order. Because we 46 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 3: wanted to guide people through it and make it feel 47 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:27,600 Speaker 3: like a very manageable process, not overwhelming or intimidating. So 48 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,399 Speaker 3: I would wait until you've had other conversations. So I'll 49 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,079 Speaker 3: tell you what the five conversations are. The first one 50 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 3: is acknowledgment, where you're just getting comfortable talking about sex 51 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,919 Speaker 3: as a topic of conversation. The second one is actually connection. 52 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,359 Speaker 3: What do we need to feel close to each other 53 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,640 Speaker 3: and intimate with each other, because there's a big, big 54 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:50,800 Speaker 3: role that emotional intimacy plays in sexual intimacy. The third 55 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,640 Speaker 3: conversation is desire. What do we need to feel turned 56 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 3: on and get excited about being with each other? Fourth, 57 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 3: we have pleasure, what do we each need to feel good? 58 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,920 Speaker 3: And then fifth is exploration what do we want to 59 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:05,960 Speaker 3: try next? So talking about fantasy's secret desires, all that 60 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 3: type of stuff, wait until you have the foundation of 61 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 3: the other conversations. 62 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 4: First. Yeah, that being said, though, I think that you know, 63 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,760 Speaker 4: you might hear that and think, oh god, well that 64 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,680 Speaker 4: that's going to take a couple of years. I got 65 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,399 Speaker 4: to get really deep in my relationship. But the reality 66 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,080 Speaker 4: is if you are, you know, starting a new relationship 67 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 4: or dating someone, you can actually have a lot of 68 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 4: those conversations pretty naturally. And quickly in the early stages 69 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 4: of a relationship, you know, especially like as you start 70 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 4: having sex for the first time, you know, you can 71 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 4: start to work those in pretty easily where it takes 72 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 4: a lot of time. Actually are people who have been 73 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 4: in relationships for many, many years and have no foundation 74 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 4: of talking about this stuff. So I think that you 75 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,600 Speaker 4: can actually get to the fantasy stuff fairly quickly if 76 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 4: you from the very beginning are just working in sex 77 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,880 Speaker 4: as Hey, this is this is an important topic of 78 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 4: conversation that I want to be able to come naturally 79 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 4: to us and oh, as we start having sex, like, 80 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 4: oh yeah, how do we feel connected? What are the 81 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 4: things that are making each other feel good? So it 82 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 4: doesn't have to be a big scary thing. 83 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,320 Speaker 2: By the way, on that note, I mean I wish 84 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 2: resources like you all were around when I was in 85 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 2: college and all that. At that point, my friends and 86 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 2: I were just watching Sex in the City and trying 87 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,600 Speaker 2: to learn everything we could, and I remember on Sex 88 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,160 Speaker 2: and the City, like I think it was from that 89 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,920 Speaker 2: show there was talk about, you know, the third date rule, 90 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 2: or like, as a sex therapist, as a couple who 91 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 2: works in this space, do you think there's a healthy 92 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:31,360 Speaker 2: amount of time to wait to have sex with someone 93 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,040 Speaker 2: when you should start having sex in a relationship when 94 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:34,520 Speaker 2: you're dating. 95 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:38,919 Speaker 3: I don't think that there's one crystal clear rule that 96 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,839 Speaker 3: we should all follow. I mean, we had sex pretty 97 00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 3: early on in our relationship as well, and it wasn't 98 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 3: anything that you know, destroyed the relationship or oh he 99 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 3: wasn't interested. I think people put so much weight on 100 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 3: that decision, But really all we need to think about 101 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 3: in the moment is what do I genuinely feel open 102 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 3: to in this moment. And I would think about it 103 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:03,360 Speaker 3: as well in terms of not putting anything on it, 104 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,279 Speaker 3: like I would be happy to have sex with this person, 105 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,680 Speaker 3: and if it ends here, it ends here. If it 106 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 3: continues on, it continues on. I think where we get 107 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 3: ourselves into trouble is trying to use sex as a 108 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 3: way to get the relationship to progress. 109 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,160 Speaker 1: I'm curious. I want to take the topic we were 110 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: just on about having these conversations a little bit further 111 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 1: because I'm sure there is a level of people being 112 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,920 Speaker 1: worried about being embarrassed about crossing that line. Like we've 113 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: had good sex, everything's pretty good. But I'm just trying 114 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 1: to think off the top of my head. I'd really 115 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: like you to choke me out or spank me a little, 116 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:43,359 Speaker 1: or backdoor play things that you might go, oh, god, like, 117 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,360 Speaker 1: am I going to push this person away? If I'm 118 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: asking for something that is quote unquote taboo. 119 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 3: I'll give you a little trick to do it. We 120 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,039 Speaker 3: call this the dream scheme. So what you can do 121 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 3: is tell your partner I had a dream about it. 122 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 3: So you know what, I had the funniest dream last night. 123 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 3: It was this really sexy dream. We were doing a 124 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 3: little backdoor play. You know, It's not something that I've 125 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 3: ever really thought about before, but that dream was pretty 126 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 3: sexy and it got me thinking. So obviously, you're not 127 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,599 Speaker 3: telling the complete truth with care, which I have to 128 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,480 Speaker 3: say as a therapist and do like people to tell 129 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 3: the truth. But I think this can be a nice 130 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 3: way to like ease into a conversation because it gives 131 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 3: you an out. So if your partner says, oh ooh, 132 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,360 Speaker 3: that sounds kind of weird, then you can just back 133 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 3: out of it and like, oh yeah, just like a 134 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 3: weird dream that I had. So it gives you an 135 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 3: opportunity to save face. But your partner might also say 136 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 3: something like, oh, that's kind of interesting. I've never thought 137 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,680 Speaker 3: about that either, And then it just gives you a 138 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 3: softer way to continue the conversation and say, well, you know, yeah, 139 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 3: I had the dream, so maybe we should try it out. 140 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,840 Speaker 2: You can alsow it's the back door into backdoring. 141 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 3: Yes, and you can also use podcasts too. So I 142 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,600 Speaker 3: was listening to this podcast and they. 143 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,480 Speaker 1: Were talking about. 144 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,279 Speaker 2: I love that. Yeah, I mean, I had this dream 145 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 2: the other night that you bought me this diamond tennis 146 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,160 Speaker 2: bracelet and I don't know, it's just this dream that 147 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,039 Speaker 2: I had and I'm just kidding you know what. That's funny. 148 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 2: That leads into one of the funnier questions we got, 149 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 2: and I say funny with all the love, just because 150 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 2: of the way it was worded. Quote is everyone having 151 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,080 Speaker 2: anal sex? 152 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:22,120 Speaker 3: Now help exclamation points. So we've pulled our audience about this. 153 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 3: We actually put up the question like are you curious 154 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 3: about anal play? And sixty nine percent of people said 155 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,640 Speaker 3: that they were, which endlessly delighted us. That numbers is 156 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 3: our favorite number. But yeah, a lot of people are 157 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 3: very at least very curious about it. And I think 158 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 3: it's a great example of how taboo changes over time. 159 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,080 Speaker 3: This used to be something that people would never admit 160 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 3: to doing, and now we're talking about it more openly, 161 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 3: We're getting more curious about it, We're being willing to 162 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,840 Speaker 3: admit that we're curious about it, and I think that's 163 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 3: a great thing. At the end of the day, it's 164 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 3: just a body part. It has nerve and like so 165 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 3: many other sensitive parts of our bodies, and it's something 166 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 3: worth exploring. 167 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,360 Speaker 2: I remember because there was just a profile on her. 168 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,560 Speaker 2: I remember it was a pretty big thing that doctor 169 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 2: Ruth who was such a pioneer in the world, but 170 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 2: she was like very famously anti anal. Is that So 171 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 2: do you you think when you say the taboos changed, like, 172 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 2: do you feel like people are just I don't know what. 173 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,080 Speaker 2: What do you think has made it change? Because that's 174 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:27,720 Speaker 2: interesting to me. 175 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 3: I think it's just people being willing to talk about 176 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,680 Speaker 3: it more openly. And we've you know, it's been in 177 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 3: media and TV shows and movies which a lot of 178 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 3: us like take our cues from. People are just starting 179 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,320 Speaker 3: to talk about it more and so it gives us 180 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 3: that permission to say, like, oh, somebody else is talking 181 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 3: about it. I guess it's okay for me to consider 182 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 3: it within myself. And so that's what I think. You know, 183 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,200 Speaker 3: part of the reason that Xander and I try to 184 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,920 Speaker 3: be so vulnerable and open about our own relationship and 185 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 3: our own sex life is to kind of be that 186 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 3: example for people and help them realize like, hey, we're 187 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,839 Speaker 3: a real couple. We can talk about this stuff too, 188 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 3: and help them feel more comfortable than it is. 189 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:06,240 Speaker 4: That being said, I do think that, you know, some 190 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 4: people can really get in their heads about fantasies or 191 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 4: about curiosities and think, oh, if I'm if I'm thinking 192 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,600 Speaker 4: about this, I have to try this, or I need 193 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 4: to try this. And I think that you know, very 194 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 4: often curiosities or fantasies, like they can be things that 195 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,400 Speaker 4: we just enjoy fantasizing about. They don't always have to 196 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,000 Speaker 4: be things that we want to play out in real life. 197 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,960 Speaker 4: And I like calling that out because I think people 198 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 4: can get you can get a little freaked out about things, 199 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 4: and very often, you know, it's it's fun to think 200 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 4: about something, or it's fun to talk dirty about something, 201 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,200 Speaker 4: but I think it's important to ask yourself, hey, is 202 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:46,680 Speaker 4: this something that you know I want to try right now? 203 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,840 Speaker 4: Because you know, we don't want people rushing into things. 204 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:54,200 Speaker 4: I think, especially with stuff like anal play, people kind 205 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 4: of can rush into it very quickly and be like, Okay, 206 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,440 Speaker 4: let's try this. We're gonna go all the way, rather 207 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 4: than like, oh, let's ease our way into this and 208 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 4: you know you can. That can be a much more 209 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,520 Speaker 4: enjoyable experience. A lot of people end up kind of 210 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:08,920 Speaker 4: just going all in with it, don't have a very 211 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 4: good experience and go, oh, that's not for me. So 212 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 4: I think it's important to take some time to play 213 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,760 Speaker 4: around with your fantasy, think through, oh, yeah, is this 214 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,640 Speaker 4: fun just in my head? Or is the idea of 215 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 4: doing this in real life actually sounding good, and give 216 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 4: yourself some time to ease into it and thinking about, Okay, 217 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 4: if I do want to do it in real life, 218 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 4: what are some baby steps that I could take to 219 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,280 Speaker 4: kind of try this out Rather than jumping in full steam. 220 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:36,680 Speaker 3: Let's learn to swim first. 221 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 2: I love that, Yeah, because then you're gonna be like 222 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 2: it won't like we just you just said it won't 223 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,959 Speaker 2: be good, and then you're going to close the door 224 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 2: on it completely. 225 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,240 Speaker 1: I'm going to kind of combine two questions because one 226 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:01,959 Speaker 1: listener asked about bringing toys into the bedroom, and if 227 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 1: you have a suggestion as far as toys go, and 228 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,560 Speaker 1: I'll go so far farther is to bring in another 229 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: question about watching porn together. Plus's minus benefits negatives to that. 230 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, so both of these things can be great things 231 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,199 Speaker 3: to bring into the bedroom. With toys, I think one 232 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 3: of the best starting places if you're a male female partnering, 233 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 3: do a vibrating cockring, so that way there's a little 234 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,440 Speaker 3: bit of something fun for both of you to play with. 235 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,079 Speaker 3: He gets that added pressure around his penis, she gets 236 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 3: the stimulation from the vibrator. He gets the stimulation from 237 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 3: the vibrator too. But it's just gonna be a fun 238 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 3: toy to feel like you're both playing with it together. 239 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 3: So that's a great option to try. When it comes 240 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,360 Speaker 3: to porn, porn is a really complicated topic. I think 241 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 3: the basic reality of like, watching other people have sex 242 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,480 Speaker 3: is hot, it's very entertaining, it's arousing, it can be 243 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:56,239 Speaker 3: a fun thing to do together. As a sex therapist, 244 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,560 Speaker 3: I do want to encourage people to seek out ethical 245 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 3: porn because there are a lot of issues with the 246 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,480 Speaker 3: porn industry, but fortunately there are some amazing people who 247 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 3: are trying to make porn more ethical, more realistic, because 248 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 3: you know, a big thing that comes up with porn 249 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:13,960 Speaker 3: is that porn sex isn't how sex looks like in 250 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 3: real life, and so we need to be really careful 251 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 3: about about resetting expectations when we're watching it. 252 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,320 Speaker 2: I'm fascinated by ethical porn, can you? But what are 253 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 2: some resources people have? 254 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:25,840 Speaker 1: No? 255 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 2: Because it's true, I mean, I you know, look, I'm 256 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 2: a millennial. I think all the time. My girlfriends and 257 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 2: I have talked about this. We're the first generation that 258 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 2: had a lot of internet access as teenagers on and 259 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 2: so there's this like generation of people who grew up 260 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 2: with pretty easy access to pretty hardcore porn. And I'm 261 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,439 Speaker 2: you know, I'm that's a whole topic we could get 262 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 2: into about how that's affected everything. But what are some 263 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 2: resources for ethical, realistic porn. 264 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 3: It's a tricky question to ask because porn preferences are 265 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 3: so unique, So which people literally just google ethical porn 266 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:04,559 Speaker 3: and look at some of the producers that come up, 267 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 3: But basically you want to dig a little bit deeper, 268 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,320 Speaker 3: not just going for the free sites, and often you 269 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,520 Speaker 3: have to pay for these as well, which I think 270 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 3: is a worthy investment to know that it's being made 271 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 3: in a responsible. 272 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:19,280 Speaker 2: Way, all right, from watching other people to having sex 273 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 2: to bringing someone into the bedroom. And by the way, 274 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,160 Speaker 2: these are all real questions, but of course, not including 275 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,079 Speaker 2: anybody's names, just wanted people to feel they couldn't obviously 276 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 2: asked these, So I got one question, short and sweet. 277 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:36,480 Speaker 2: Are threesomes a bad idea? I think they mean if 278 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 2: you're in a relationship. 279 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,320 Speaker 3: I think three someomes are a perfect example of what 280 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 3: Xander was just talking about a few minutes ago, where 281 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:47,800 Speaker 3: a lot of people fantasize about threesomes and then immediately think, oh, 282 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 3: that means I need to do it. And for a 283 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,679 Speaker 3: lot of couples, you might actually have a lot more 284 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,000 Speaker 3: fun just fantasizing about it. So you fantasizing about it 285 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,840 Speaker 3: in your head, you can fantasize about it together, you 286 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 3: can talk dirty about it. You can maybe watch some 287 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,240 Speaker 3: porn that has threesomes in it. But I would be 288 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,560 Speaker 3: really thoughtful about, like, do I actually want to do 289 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,520 Speaker 3: this in real life or do I just like the 290 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,319 Speaker 3: idea of playing with it in my head? 291 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 4: Yeah, or like what might this feel like in real life? 292 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 4: And kind of playing out. What is it going to 293 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:19,480 Speaker 4: feel like if I see you know my you know, 294 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 4: I'm being paid attention to a little less and maybe 295 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,000 Speaker 4: my partner is getting on better with this other person. 296 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 4: What's it going to be like once we finish? What's 297 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 4: the conversation. 298 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,120 Speaker 1: That's a big question. What will this feel like ten 299 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: minutes after? 300 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, but thinking really thinking through the details of 301 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,480 Speaker 3: what will I feel like watching my partner with another person? 302 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 3: Will it strip up insecurities for me? Will I be 303 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,320 Speaker 3: comparing my body to the other person, like trying to 304 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 3: think through all the details of it. 305 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,640 Speaker 2: Do you have one you want to usk? 306 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 4: No? 307 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 2: Go ahead, Okay, this question is really interesting to me. 308 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 2: I'm just fascinated by where you might how you might 309 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 2: take this. But someone messaged just and asked how much 310 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 2: of a factor is lack of sex when it comes 311 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 2: to divorce. 312 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 3: It definitely is a huge factor. Sex is one of 313 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 3: the top three reasons why couples break up. Kids, money, 314 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 3: and sex are the big three. And I think it's 315 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 3: really an indicator of how, like most of us, we 316 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 3: tend to compartmentalize sex. We think of it as just 317 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,880 Speaker 3: this thing of like, oh, that's just this thing that 318 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 3: happens in the bedroom with the doors closed and the 319 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 3: lights off. But the reality is that sex is intimacy. 320 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,680 Speaker 3: Sex is a way that we convey our love for 321 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 3: our partner. It's a way that we play with our partner, 322 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,760 Speaker 3: that we're present in the moment with them. 323 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:39,880 Speaker 4: Yeah, we feel connected. 324 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a really important part of a relationship. And 325 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,119 Speaker 3: obviously for every couple it's a different level of importance, 326 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 3: and that's fine too, but it truly is a very 327 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 3: central thing for most relationships. So I want to encourage 328 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,000 Speaker 3: couples not to just write it off it's like, oh, 329 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,920 Speaker 3: it's just sex, it's just this physical thing. To recognize 330 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 3: that it's about a deeper intimacy. Yeah. 331 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 4: But then on the flip side of that, it's like 332 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,520 Speaker 4: not falling into the trap of, oh, we got to 333 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 4: have sex to tick the box. We've got to have it, 334 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 4: you know, three times a week in order to keep 335 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,840 Speaker 4: my partner happy or so that we don't get divorced. 336 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 4: It's it is that focusing on the quality of it, 337 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,600 Speaker 4: you know, talking about it, making sure it's something that 338 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 4: you each know is important to each other, rather than 339 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 4: it just being okay, well, you know, this is sort 340 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:28,200 Speaker 4: of like my divorce insurance, it's doing saxax number of times. 341 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 1: A very common conversation is about sex drive. Very rarely 342 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,240 Speaker 1: do our sex drives align perfectly. Somebody is a little 343 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: more fired up than the other person. And then the 344 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 1: next one is I'm going to steal a stat from 345 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:48,600 Speaker 1: your social media about initiating and that forty five percent 346 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 1: of relationships the woman is actually initiating more than the man, 347 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: which is so it's pretty close to fifty to fifty, right. 348 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, the moments the one who has the higher desire. 349 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 1: So talk about if you're in a relationship where maybe 350 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: someone's not initiating enough, and then also where sex drives 351 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:07,360 Speaker 1: don't align, how we can still be compatible, still be intimate, 352 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 1: and still have a very healthy sex life. 353 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,159 Speaker 3: The most important thing to know here is that just 354 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 3: about every couple is going to have mismatch sex drives. 355 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 3: We all get so scared about this, like, oh, is 356 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:21,480 Speaker 3: our desire mismatch? But that's the case for everybody. It 357 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,719 Speaker 3: would be too weird of a coincidence that every single 358 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 3: time you want to have sex, your partner is magically 359 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,840 Speaker 3: rarn and ready to go, and they want to have 360 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,720 Speaker 3: the exact same kind of sex that you want to 361 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 3: have every single time, like it just it does not happen. 362 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,280 Speaker 4: It's kind of like if it's Friday night and you're like, oh, 363 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 4: let's go out to dinner. It would be like if 364 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,400 Speaker 4: the expectation is were we both are going to say 365 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,399 Speaker 4: what cuisine we want right now and it has to 366 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 4: be the exact same thing, and if it's not, like 367 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,879 Speaker 4: oh my god, we're just not meant to be, like 368 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:49,920 Speaker 4: we can't decide on what. 369 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,280 Speaker 3: So, just like I think people place too much of 370 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,159 Speaker 3: an emphasis on frequency, I also think we place too 371 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,200 Speaker 3: much of an emphasis on desire because what often happens is, 372 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 3: let's say your partner initiates with you. In that moment, 373 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,280 Speaker 3: you usually feel almost this pop quiz kind of feeling. 374 00:18:07,359 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 3: You feel off guard, like, oh my god, wait, they 375 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,640 Speaker 3: want to have sex right now. I'm not writing for sex. 376 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,439 Speaker 3: I wasn't thinking about it, And so a lot of 377 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,879 Speaker 3: us will just say no to our partner in that moment, 378 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,359 Speaker 3: and we feel like kind of ashamed and embarrassed about it. 379 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 4: Right. 380 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,920 Speaker 3: So that's the problem that happens if we really prioritize desire, 381 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 3: this feeling of like, oh, you had to be in 382 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,840 Speaker 3: the mood for it an exact moment that I was. 383 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,040 Speaker 3: So instead, I recommend that couples think about it in 384 00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 3: terms of openness, Not do I want to have sex 385 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,439 Speaker 3: with my partner? Am I magically horny in the exact 386 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,680 Speaker 3: same moment that they were? But to be able to 387 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,600 Speaker 3: say to yourself in the moment, Oh, my partner wants 388 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,320 Speaker 3: to connect with me right now? Am I open to 389 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 3: connecting with them? Am I open to seeing if I 390 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,399 Speaker 3: can get in the mood and turned on? So if 391 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,600 Speaker 3: we kind of delay the timeline, give ourselves a little 392 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,440 Speaker 3: bit more space in that way, we're gonna be saying 393 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 3: yes to our partner so much more often. 394 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,200 Speaker 2: That was that was so freeing what you just said, truly, 395 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 2: because like the comparison of do we both want the 396 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,160 Speaker 2: exact same dinner at the exact same time, No, And 397 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 2: every couple out there probably spends way more time debating 398 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 2: where they're going to go to dinner than they do. 399 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,680 Speaker 1: Like it would not only be anything at the same 400 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:17,480 Speaker 1: time on the count of three, say where we're going 401 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 1: to dinner, what we're going to order off the menu, 402 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,200 Speaker 1: and and what or like it would be lining those 403 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 1: things up, which is never gonna happen. 404 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, that was so relieving. 405 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,439 Speaker 2: I sort of feel like that took a weight off 406 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,959 Speaker 2: my shoulders. Thank you guys, because you know, there's and 407 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,399 Speaker 2: it's not just like sometimes I think with us. I mean, 408 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 2: Chris is seventeen years older than me. I just saw 409 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,080 Speaker 2: Lisa Rinna say the other day. She's like, well, it's interesting. 410 00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:41,159 Speaker 2: You know her and Harry Hamlin have been married for 411 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,080 Speaker 2: a long time, and she's like, his sex drive is changing, 412 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,359 Speaker 2: my sex drive is changing. So we not only have 413 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,600 Speaker 2: the factor of being a man and a woman, but 414 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 2: like our ages are different. I don't know if that 415 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 2: means like when I'm I don't know, perimenopausal, will I'd 416 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,600 Speaker 2: be different? And where will he be at? You know, 417 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:59,160 Speaker 2: So there's a lot of factors of like the differences 418 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,840 Speaker 2: both mentally but also physiologically and all that. 419 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,639 Speaker 3: Oh absolutely, And yeah, I'm so glad to hear that. 420 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,840 Speaker 3: It felt like a weight coming off of your shoulders 421 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,400 Speaker 3: because I think we all put this pressure on ourselves 422 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,920 Speaker 3: and when we have this misunderstanding about desire and mismatched 423 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,640 Speaker 3: sex drives, it just creates so much pressure and at 424 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,240 Speaker 3: the end of the day, like we're in relationships with 425 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,840 Speaker 3: our partner because we love them, we care about them, 426 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,199 Speaker 3: we want to feel close and connected to them. And 427 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,680 Speaker 3: we just see so many couples like because of these 428 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:32,200 Speaker 3: basic misunderstandings about sex and intimacy, just missing each other, 429 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,520 Speaker 3: missing these opportunities to really connect with each other. And 430 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 3: I think initiation is the perfect example of that. Like, 431 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,240 Speaker 3: if we change change around the way that it works, 432 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,400 Speaker 3: we're actually going to connect with each other so much 433 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:43,960 Speaker 3: more often. 434 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: Before we let you go, there has to be things 435 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,919 Speaker 1: that we have not touched on that you get a lot, 436 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,200 Speaker 1: are there? You know, please don't let us go without. 437 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 1: Oh I wish they had asked about this. 438 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,439 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, there's so many different ways that we 439 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 3: can go with that one. You know, one really important 440 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,640 Speaker 3: thing that we should talk about as we're talking about 441 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 3: initiation too, is also the different sex drive types. So 442 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,880 Speaker 3: most people don't realize that there are two different sex 443 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 3: drive types. The two types are spontaneous and responsive, and 444 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:28,439 Speaker 3: they boil down to where we feel desire first, So 445 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,960 Speaker 3: we can feel desire in our heads, Like the idea 446 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,119 Speaker 3: of sex sounds good. It kind of maybe it pops 447 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,280 Speaker 3: into your head randomly and you're like, ohyah, that sounds nice. 448 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,120 Speaker 3: And we can also get turned on physically in our bodies, 449 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,880 Speaker 3: so getting erections, getting wet, nipples, getting hard, all kinds 450 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,200 Speaker 3: of stuff like that. And so the two types boil 451 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 3: down to where you're going to feel desire first. So 452 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:53,440 Speaker 3: with spontaneous desire, you feel it mentally and then your 453 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,320 Speaker 3: body gets ready for it, and that's it. 454 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 4: This is what we see on TV in the movies. 455 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,280 Speaker 4: That's that you turn and look at you know, someone 456 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,680 Speaker 4: says something witty, You turn and look and it's like, oh, 457 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 4: it's on. We both want it. We don't even need 458 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:05,480 Speaker 4: to say anything. 459 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 3: He is so witty. 460 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 2: I'm going to get naked in the middle of this restaurant. Yes. 461 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,640 Speaker 3: So the second type of desire is the exact opposite, 462 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 3: and that's where our bodies need to get turned on 463 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,959 Speaker 3: first before mentally. The idea of sex sounds good, and 464 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:23,200 Speaker 3: research has shown that most women are responsive desire types. 465 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,960 Speaker 3: So a classic way to know that you might be 466 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,800 Speaker 3: responsive desire is if you've ever been in the middle 467 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,280 Speaker 3: of sex, or maybe even at the end of sex, 468 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,680 Speaker 3: and you catch yourself thinking, this is really fun. Why 469 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,000 Speaker 3: do I never seem to want this? Or why don't 470 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,480 Speaker 3: I want this more? Often that's responsive desire because your 471 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 3: body needs to feel excited, turned on, feeling pleasure first, 472 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,119 Speaker 3: and then your brain starts to catch up and think like, oh, yeah, 473 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:52,000 Speaker 3: this is good, this is fun. So most women who 474 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:56,040 Speaker 3: are responsive desire types think of themselves as being low desire, 475 00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 3: no desire. They think of themselves as its being broken 476 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,000 Speaker 3: in some sort of way, and really it's just a 477 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:05,119 Speaker 3: misunderstanding about how your desire works. You're not going to 478 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,439 Speaker 3: be able to ask a responsive sex drive person like 479 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:08,880 Speaker 3: do you want to have sex right now? 480 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 4: Right now? 481 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,520 Speaker 3: Yeah? Like right, and then what what are you talking about? 482 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:11,760 Speaker 2: No? 483 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,160 Speaker 3: I wasn't thinking about that. 484 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:17,600 Speaker 1: And do you find men you mentioned women? Are men responsive? 485 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,119 Speaker 3: Yes? Men tend to be more responsive. 486 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,760 Speaker 4: No, men tend to be more spartaneous. 487 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 3: Yes, men tend to be more spontaneous. 488 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,439 Speaker 1: Right, but I know you mentioned it, but I was like, 489 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,760 Speaker 1: are there do you find men that are responsive? 490 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 4: Oh? Absolutely absolutely, I have been. You know, early in 491 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 4: our relationship, I was much more of a responsive sex 492 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,159 Speaker 4: drife type and it took me a long time of 493 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,120 Speaker 4: really coming to terms with that and understanding what that 494 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 4: meant and understanding Okay, I just need to give myself 495 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:48,879 Speaker 4: a little time, like you know, if if Vanessa's wanting 496 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,440 Speaker 4: to have sex, or even if I want to have sex, 497 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,320 Speaker 4: but I'm not really feeling like the desire for it. 498 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,280 Speaker 4: I realise, oh, I need to put myself in a 499 00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:00,240 Speaker 4: situation to start to feel some desire. So put myself 500 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,560 Speaker 4: in a situation where oh, let's let's kiss, let's make out, 501 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,199 Speaker 4: let's cuddle, let's you know, just do something, you know, 502 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:09,760 Speaker 4: just us in the bedroom, and started to realize, oh, yeah, 503 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,639 Speaker 4: once I give myself five or ten minutes of doing this, 504 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,280 Speaker 4: like oh boom, all of a sudden, like I am, 505 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 4: I am ready to go. And so it was kind 506 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,400 Speaker 4: of flipping that mindset of like, oh, it's not about 507 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 4: how much I want it in any given moment, Like 508 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,960 Speaker 4: that's not what defines me as a man or my sexuality. 509 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 4: It's like it's like it's just understanding, Oh, this is 510 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,359 Speaker 4: this is what I need. It's just like some people 511 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,040 Speaker 4: remember things really well. Some people need to make lists, 512 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:36,920 Speaker 4: some people you know, need to use their calendar or whatever. 513 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 4: And it's like I just needed to come to terms 514 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,919 Speaker 4: with that and understand, oh yeah, this is this is 515 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,800 Speaker 4: how it works for me. And what I will say 516 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,120 Speaker 4: is that as I have gotten better and better at 517 00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:47,560 Speaker 4: that and more in tune with that and more confident 518 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 4: in that, you know, I feel like my desire is 519 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:52,960 Speaker 4: really shifted to be more in the middle because now 520 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,000 Speaker 4: that amount of time is really shrunk. I'm like, I know, okay, yeah, 521 00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 4: it's just kind of take me a couple seconds of 522 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:03,600 Speaker 4: talking about it or touching or whatever before I'm fired 523 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 4: up and ready to go. But I think for you know, 524 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:10,440 Speaker 4: most people need to start to understand that and start 525 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,080 Speaker 4: taking action, building that habit of oh, these are the 526 00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:15,159 Speaker 4: things that I need to do to get ready, and 527 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,480 Speaker 4: then very often that amount of time can really start 528 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:18,240 Speaker 4: to shrink down. 529 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 2: Again. This is all feeling like such a weight lifted. 530 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 2: I have to be honest, and this isn't fair to Chris. 531 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,040 Speaker 2: But if I, well, if I were to get very 532 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:31,960 Speaker 2: pretty real for a second, I think I put pressure 533 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:36,720 Speaker 2: on him of like, if he's not you know, it's 534 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,480 Speaker 2: probably growing up with the stereotypes of men and that 535 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,840 Speaker 2: they're like so sexually driven. So if he's not wanting 536 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,479 Speaker 2: to like you know, when I'm wanting to, then I 537 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,840 Speaker 2: think there's something wrong or I think like there's something 538 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:52,120 Speaker 2: wrong with me, or I think you said earlier, Vanessa, 539 00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:55,199 Speaker 2: even like women feel broken or something. I don't know, 540 00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:57,760 Speaker 2: So do you feel like do women say that a lot? 541 00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:58,919 Speaker 2: And what do you try to tell them? 542 00:25:58,960 --> 00:25:59,199 Speaker 1: If so? 543 00:25:59,720 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 2: Yeah? 544 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, I felt that exact same thing myself too. You know, 545 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 3: we really grow up with this stereotype that men want 546 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,560 Speaker 3: sex wherever, whenever. They'll take whatever they can get, right. 547 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,240 Speaker 2: If they're not getting it from us, they're getting it 548 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 2: from somewhere else or whatever else. 549 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,359 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think as women, we're really taught to 550 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 3: put so much of our value and worth into our desirability, 551 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,960 Speaker 3: so that can be a really painful experience. And again 552 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,920 Speaker 3: I've experienced that myself too, like times at Xander didn't 553 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,159 Speaker 3: want to have sex, or maybe I initiated and he 554 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,639 Speaker 3: wasn't open to it, Like I felt so ashamed and 555 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 3: something like something is so wrong with me? Why does 556 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,399 Speaker 3: he not want to be with me? Am I not 557 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 3: sexy enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. Like we 558 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:41,200 Speaker 3: can go to some really dark places in our heads 559 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 3: when that self consciousness comes up, and of course the 560 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,879 Speaker 3: challenge that is that he can feel all of that, 561 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,480 Speaker 3: because now sex is not just like, hey, do we 562 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,760 Speaker 3: want to connect and be intimate? In the moment together. 563 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,760 Speaker 3: Now it's like, oh, he has to prove to me 564 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,320 Speaker 3: that I'm sexy and desirable and attractive, and it just 565 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,919 Speaker 3: adds this whole other layer apart sure on top of it. 566 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,200 Speaker 3: So that's why I think it's so important for us 567 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,680 Speaker 3: to talk about the fact that in forty five percent 568 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,400 Speaker 3: of male female relationships, it's actually the woman that has 569 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,840 Speaker 3: the higher desire. And I think we need to have 570 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 3: these more nuanced conversations about male sexuality that like men aren't, 571 00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 3: you know, taking whatever they can get, or oh they're 572 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:22,280 Speaker 3: so easy they get turned on, Like we're all human, 573 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,960 Speaker 3: We're all like nuanced creatures who need different things and 574 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,879 Speaker 3: who you know, things change as we get older and 575 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,399 Speaker 3: evolve and have been in relationships longer, so being able 576 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,399 Speaker 3: to see more of that complexity in it and for 577 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,920 Speaker 3: us as women to recognize within ourselves like we are 578 00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:42,600 Speaker 3: worthy and desirable and beautiful. And I'm sure there are 579 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,640 Speaker 3: plenty of other times where your partner's trying to give 580 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:47,359 Speaker 3: you that message, but it doesn't all just have to 581 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:48,760 Speaker 3: be about the sex. 582 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:55,240 Speaker 2: Okay, maybe that's your next book, The Constant Conversation. Thank 583 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:59,160 Speaker 2: you guys so much, Vanessa and Xander Marin. Your podcast 584 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,000 Speaker 2: is pillow Talk, and if we had more time, I 585 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,040 Speaker 2: would get into you with that, because into that with you, 586 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:06,679 Speaker 2: because I was just listening to your episode about, you know, 587 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,040 Speaker 2: talking about your choice to not have kids and what 588 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,240 Speaker 2: that meant for you as a couple. There's so much 589 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,719 Speaker 2: great conversation there, and of course also in your book 590 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:15,880 Speaker 2: Sex Talks. 591 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,800 Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much, and Xander celebrating as a vasectomy. Yes, 592 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:23,760 Speaker 1: I feel you, and I mean literally I feel you. 593 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,680 Speaker 1: I get that and you can follow along and check 594 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 1: them out Vanessa and Xander on social media. I love 595 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,840 Speaker 1: the digestible, very bite sized little things you guys do. 596 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,040 Speaker 2: There's a lot of sex puns there, yes, exactly. 597 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:41,080 Speaker 1: But most importantly, just thank you. Thank you for you know, 598 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,920 Speaker 1: breaking this taboo, having these conversations, making it normal to 599 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,280 Speaker 1: have these conversations, which we all need to do. So 600 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,240 Speaker 1: truly appreciate what you guys do. 601 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:52,280 Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having us. We really appreciate 602 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,479 Speaker 3: you guys using your platform to open up these conversations too. 603 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,960 Speaker 3: It's it's really a great gift that you're able to 604 00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,120 Speaker 3: give to your community. 605 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,000 Speaker 1: Thanks for listen. Follow us on Instagram at the most 606 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,600 Speaker 1: dramatic pod ever, and make sure to write us a 607 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 1: review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you 608 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: next time.