1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,319 Speaker 1: Hey bessies, Hello Sunshine. 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:07,520 Speaker 2: Today on the bright Side, we're changing the way we 3 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,760 Speaker 2: talk about being a stay at home mom. Founder and 4 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 2: CEO of Mother Untitled, Neha Rouche is back on the 5 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,919 Speaker 2: bright side and her new book, The Power Pause is 6 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 2: out now. She's flipping the script on parenthood and pausing 7 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,560 Speaker 2: your career. She's here to give us fresh tools, empowering language, 8 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,800 Speaker 2: and a whole new way to think about this transformative 9 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:31,200 Speaker 2: phase of life. It's Tuesday, January twenty eighth. I'm Danielle Robe. 10 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,160 Speaker 3: And I'm Simone Boyce, and this is the bright Side 11 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:37,320 Speaker 3: from Hello Sunshine, Simone. 12 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,760 Speaker 2: I am truly grateful to be in conversation with Neha 13 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 2: Rush again. She was your friend that you brought on 14 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:47,519 Speaker 2: the show, and I just fell in love with her 15 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,920 Speaker 2: when she joined us last time. I felt like we 16 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,479 Speaker 2: just scratched the surface about how challenging it can be 17 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 2: for moms to determine whether or not to stay at 18 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 2: home to raise their children or invest in childcare. I mean, 19 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 2: we talked about how some women fear that starting a 20 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,600 Speaker 2: family could be a career ender even and she really 21 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,479 Speaker 2: shed light on some of the false beliefs of stay 22 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 2: at home parenthood. 23 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: It was such an enlightening conversation. 24 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 3: It always is an enlightening conversation when Neha Rush is involved, 25 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,600 Speaker 3: and I feel like Danielle, we have to kind of 26 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 3: start by giving some context as to why you're not 27 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 3: going to hear my voice in this interview. This is 28 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,199 Speaker 3: an interview I've been looking forward to for forever, because, 29 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 3: as you mentioned, she's a friend of mine and I 30 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 3: have been cheering her on behind the scenes as she's 31 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 3: been working on this book. I know that she has 32 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:36,120 Speaker 3: poured her heart and soul into The Power Pause, and 33 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,920 Speaker 3: I know that she really believes that can help an 34 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:41,399 Speaker 3: entire generation of women break through from some of these 35 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 3: false beliefs that I think we've inherited from our own mothers. Unfortunately, 36 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 3: there was a fire near my house. I'm sure you 37 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 3: guys are aware of bright Side besties of what's been 38 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 3: going on in LA with all these fires, and just 39 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 3: had to make the decision to keep my family safe 40 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 3: and get everybody out of the house. So unfortunately I 41 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,040 Speaker 3: missed this interview, but I had spent so much time 42 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 3: highlighting her book, and there's so many things I want 43 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,240 Speaker 3: to talk about and ask about. But I know that 44 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 3: I know that you guys had an electrifying conversation Danielle, 45 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 3: and I cannot wait to hear it. 46 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 2: We also got to ask some of your questions, so 47 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 2: I don't want you to be you do, said yeah, 48 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 2: and we credited you would they everyone will know that 49 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,080 Speaker 2: they're yours. 50 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,520 Speaker 1: I don't care about that. 51 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 3: I just the reason why I did that is because 52 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:32,760 Speaker 3: this book is so interactive and it truly is comprehensive. 53 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 3: Like she's got exercises in there to help you, you know, 54 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:41,119 Speaker 3: disentangle your identity from your work. She's got sample schedules 55 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 3: from mothers who are navigating some similar challenges that you 56 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,400 Speaker 3: might be walking through. So yeah, I just want to 57 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 3: honor how incredibly thorough this this book is, and to 58 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,679 Speaker 3: be honest, Danielle, like, this is the kind of book 59 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,480 Speaker 3: that I wish was available not just when I decided 60 00:02:58,480 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 3: to pause my own. 61 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:02,320 Speaker 1: Career, but I wish it was available. 62 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 3: As I was thinking about building a family, because I 63 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 3: get so many young women reaching out to me asking 64 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 3: me about how to navigate, you know, breaks in your career, 65 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:18,520 Speaker 3: especially like in broadcast journalism. And now not only can 66 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 3: I point to my experience and say, hey, look what's possible, 67 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,799 Speaker 3: look how robust your career can be on the other 68 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 3: side of motherhood. But also I have this incredible guide 69 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 3: Naha's book to point them to. 70 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 1: Now it's interesting you say that. 71 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 2: As I was talking to her, I was thinking, I'm 72 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:38,440 Speaker 2: so glad that I'm learning about this before parenthood. I 73 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:42,360 Speaker 2: really think that this is a book that applies to 74 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: almost any phase of life that you're in. If you're 75 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 2: thinking about becoming a mom, it's interesting. If you are 76 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 2: a mom, it's fascinating, And if you're not wanting to 77 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 2: be a mom, it's also interesting to learn about the 78 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,840 Speaker 2: language that we're using as a culture around stay at 79 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 2: home parenthood. 80 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,440 Speaker 3: Another thing that really stood out to me in Naha's book. 81 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 3: She talks about the transition itself, like what it's like 82 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 3: to put your career on pause and what it's like 83 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 3: to navigate the financial aspect of that. But she also 84 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 3: talks about the return, and she's encouraging parents to really 85 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,440 Speaker 3: prepare yourselves for what it's like when you do return 86 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 3: to work. So that's a fresh perspective that I feel 87 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,640 Speaker 3: like is not talked about enough in this conversation. 88 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,680 Speaker 1: Absolutely, we touch on that and so much more. 89 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 2: Here's our conversation with neh Uche. 90 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,719 Speaker 1: Okay, nay, how welcome back to the bright side. 91 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,680 Speaker 2: Thank you, it's so nice to see your face. I'm 92 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 2: so happy to see you. Congratulations on Power Pause. This 93 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,880 Speaker 2: is not just a beautiful cover, but truly a beautiful book. 94 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:53,600 Speaker 2: So this book is already resonating with parents around the 95 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,159 Speaker 2: country very deeply. I want to start with the language. 96 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 2: What is a power pause? The power pause is the 97 00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 2: antidote to this idea that if you part with your 98 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 2: career for a chapter, that you're somehow a shut in 99 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 2: trope that has long since been associated with a stay 100 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,719 Speaker 2: at home mother. And instead it's this reclaiming of language 101 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 2: that speaks to shifting priorities away from our paid work 102 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 2: for a chapter for family life, for mental health, for 103 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,159 Speaker 2: elder care, for a variety of different priorities, and in 104 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:29,320 Speaker 2: making room for that, allowing ourselves to discover new interests, 105 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 2: new skills, and ultimately be able to add that all 106 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 2: back to such a robust career portfolio. One thing I've 107 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 2: heard you say a lot about is that motherhood gets 108 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 2: bad pr Why is it important to you to provide 109 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 2: a different and possibly even more accurate view we've. 110 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 4: Done such incredible work, only in the recent years of 111 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 4: finally starting to think about, well, is there value to 112 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 4: unpaid labor, dignifying that work, and really starting to elevate 113 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:03,080 Speaker 4: it from the mems of divers and laundry, and really 114 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 4: think about the onspiring work that happens behind the scenes, 115 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 4: right you know, the women advocating for their child's care 116 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:13,599 Speaker 4: to insurance companies, or navigating really complicated education systems to 117 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 4: get their kids the best possible structures and systems to 118 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 4: help them grow and learn. That's the work behind the scenes. 119 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,680 Speaker 4: And when we shine a light on that, then we 120 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 4: do two things. We better understand why people might want 121 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 4: more room and time with their kids or for their kids, 122 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 4: and we also start to understand that, you know, women's 123 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,600 Speaker 4: brains don't go and die if they take a break 124 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 4: from the paid workforce. Actually, it can expand in all 125 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 4: sorts of new directions. You're taking this on in a 126 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,599 Speaker 4: very granular sense. In each chapter you outline a false 127 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:48,200 Speaker 4: belief and then a new narrative to correct it. What 128 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,000 Speaker 4: is the first false belief that you had to unlearn 129 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:51,839 Speaker 4: in your own power? 130 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 1: Pause? 131 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,840 Speaker 4: When I had my first child and I decided I 132 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:00,640 Speaker 4: wanted to downshift my career. I switched to part time 133 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,040 Speaker 4: so that I could be two days at the workplace 134 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:04,599 Speaker 4: and then the rest of the week at home. In 135 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,920 Speaker 4: twenty sixteen, it was the height of the leaning era, 136 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 4: the height of the girl boss era, and you know, 137 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 4: in some ways we had reached the pinnacle of that 138 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,360 Speaker 4: second wave of feminism. In what we had to do 139 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 4: was rethink, well, if I have clocked in a decade 140 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 4: plus in my career and I don't serve my husband 141 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 4: cocktails at the end of the day, right, these are 142 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,360 Speaker 4: dads who are three times as involved with their kids 143 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 4: versus any generation prior. And I have all this access 144 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 4: to tools and technology, so I know I'm going to 145 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 4: continue to grow. Then how can I re architect my 146 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 4: sense of playing the long game. I'm actually pausing, and 147 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 4: this isn't a career ender, and actually this is going 148 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 4: to be one stage in my life. The idea of ambition, 149 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,000 Speaker 4: specifically is the determination to do things with care, and 150 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 4: the reality is we're going to care about a lot 151 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 4: of things over the long game life. 152 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,400 Speaker 2: I have a good friend who just had a baby, 153 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 2: and pre baby was very career focused. Post baby, she's 154 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 2: really considering a career pause. Now, for someone like her, 155 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:17,720 Speaker 2: what's the first place to start? What questions should she 156 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:22,960 Speaker 2: be asking herself or asking her partner? Well, I think 157 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:27,160 Speaker 2: the first place is, you know, have I explored all 158 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 2: the options to make room for family? Because there are 159 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 2: more than the black and white idea of pausing or 160 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 2: staying full time right, there's such a vast in between 161 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 2: of stay at women working. The second question is do 162 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,320 Speaker 2: I need to stay connected to this particular role to 163 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 2: preserve my options? And if the answer still feels like yes, 164 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,880 Speaker 2: then you know, is there a part time or flexible 165 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,040 Speaker 2: arrangement that feels available to me? And if the answer 166 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 2: is no, then you might say, okay, Well, if I pause, 167 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,439 Speaker 2: what are ways in which I can think about strategically 168 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 2: navigating my exit so that I'm going to feel empowered, 169 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 2: so that I can know that I have a study 170 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 2: on ramp if I want to come back. 171 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,320 Speaker 1: To that particular work. 172 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,199 Speaker 4: But I think the other piece is if I am 173 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 4: pausing or me and my partner aligned on this being 174 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 4: a joint household decision. If you are wanting to shift, 175 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 4: that decision needs to be made together with the foundational 176 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 4: understanding that even if you pause, your paid work, you 177 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 4: are still contributing, So the partner working out of the 178 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:34,520 Speaker 4: home is equally dependent on the work you're doing in 179 00:09:34,559 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 4: the home and the intellectual and emotional labor you're going 180 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,959 Speaker 4: to be contributing, so they can single task. And deciding 181 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,320 Speaker 4: that budgeting for that allows you the ability to then 182 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 4: walk through this stage of life knowing you both deserve 183 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,199 Speaker 4: to be whole and healthy and that you feel respected 184 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,280 Speaker 4: as you navigate the next chapter. 185 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,720 Speaker 2: That part feels so important because you could make a 186 00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 2: decision and your partner, it says they're on the same page, 187 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 2: they're not. 188 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,400 Speaker 1: That's that, I think is what scares. 189 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 4: A lot of women one hundred percent because even if 190 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 4: this is a financial no brainer, this idea of parting 191 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 4: with our financial independence, this idea of dependent has just 192 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 4: felt so scary for so long, and so being able 193 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 4: to challenge that and think of yourselves as a business 194 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 4: organization like depersonalize it for a little bit. In say, 195 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 4: household income in, household income out, we're making an adjustment 196 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,280 Speaker 4: together to the household's income. Right. I've heard of couples 197 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,560 Speaker 4: making big, bold moves from San Francisco to Virginia for 198 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 4: lower cost of living I've seen other couples say, you 199 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,240 Speaker 4: know what, We're going to turn down travel opportunities for 200 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,240 Speaker 4: this year because that's the sort of wig overom we 201 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 4: need to part with income. If you start to feel that, 202 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 4: wait a second, I don't feel like I'm going to 203 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 4: have equal access to this household income or the mindset 204 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,840 Speaker 4: of both being interdependent on one another is getting harder 205 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,720 Speaker 4: to come by in this conversation. Bring in a mayoral 206 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 4: counselor bring in a fair play facility tator, bring in 207 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,560 Speaker 4: a financial planner, because the reality is if you don't 208 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:13,079 Speaker 4: feel secure in that, then stepping into this is a risk. 209 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,280 Speaker 4: If you are in a rocky marriage, this is not 210 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,800 Speaker 4: the time to be parting with your income. If you 211 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,960 Speaker 4: need to pause or make more room, consider ways in 212 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,920 Speaker 4: which you can stay connected to income. Right. 213 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 2: Is there anything specifically that you did with your husband 214 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,680 Speaker 2: that you think helped make your pause successful. 215 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:34,320 Speaker 4: We did bouts, a couple's therapy. I think we did 216 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,760 Speaker 4: one thing really well, which is we had started looking 217 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:43,600 Speaker 4: at our budget in our forecast well before we had children, 218 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 4: so we had an established cadence of meeting every January 219 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,080 Speaker 4: and having a financial planning session for the year. Assigning 220 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,320 Speaker 4: ourselves budgets, so it didn't feel prescriptive. Then when we 221 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,559 Speaker 4: were doing it with kids, that was an exercise we'd 222 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 4: been doing year over year. You know, that was already 223 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,480 Speaker 4: built into our vernacular. But we kept it up. And 224 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:06,880 Speaker 4: I think this idea of a team of mentality serves 225 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,440 Speaker 4: you later on because if you foundationally believe that you 226 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 4: both are contributing, you both are doing work of value, 227 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,240 Speaker 4: you both deserve to be healthy and whole. Then on 228 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,320 Speaker 4: the weekends when you have downtime, it's not you know, 229 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 4: the person working out of the home who needs a break. 230 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 4: You both need breaks. And then you're both figuring out 231 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 4: ways in which you can give yourselves that, whether that's 232 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,240 Speaker 4: outsourcing you know, to a date night babysitter, or you're 233 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,520 Speaker 4: trading off hours on the weekend. I would say we 234 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 4: really succeeded in seeing it as a partnership, and when 235 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 4: we hit troubles along the way. I remember the first 236 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,440 Speaker 4: time he called it a luxury to stay home, and 237 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 4: he was like, well, it's a luxury, and I was said, what, listen, 238 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 4: have you ever been at home with two children? There's 239 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:55,400 Speaker 4: nothing luxurious about those. We went to therapyge and just 240 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 4: you know, and so much of that was working through 241 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 4: the language, and we really had, you know, our values 242 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 4: were aligned, but we did have to sort of shift 243 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,560 Speaker 4: our mindsets around value. Were you I rate when he 244 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:12,080 Speaker 4: said that I rate bananas? I remember when he said that. 245 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:15,079 Speaker 4: I couldn't quite get my head around why it was 246 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 4: so bothersome. And then I did the digging and I realized, 247 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,200 Speaker 4: wait a second. We have associated stay at home motherhood 248 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,839 Speaker 4: with luxury for so long in this country, and the 249 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 4: problem with that is as soon as you associate one 250 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,319 Speaker 4: side with luxury, you decide it's not work of value, 251 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,600 Speaker 4: and or you deem it not worthy of support. One 252 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:38,440 Speaker 4: in three women feel forced to make this choice because 253 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,120 Speaker 4: of the cost of childcare. The privilege I have is 254 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 4: to get to choose, and the privilege my husband and 255 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 4: I had was to. 256 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 1: Get to choose. 257 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,439 Speaker 4: But that was a privilege that we both shared. So 258 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,760 Speaker 4: there was a nice lot talking too, But luckily it 259 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,000 Speaker 4: helped fill up an entire chapter of the book. 260 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 2: Speaking of the book, before it even begins, you have 261 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 2: a page that says how to use this book, which 262 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,720 Speaker 2: I love. You write that this book is for women 263 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 2: who have the privilege to pause their careers. According to 264 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 2: your American Mothers on Pause survey, over forty percent of 265 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,240 Speaker 2: women say they worry about money after stepping back from work, 266 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 2: even though they also say it was totally worth it. 267 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 2: Is there anything specific, aside from aligning on budgets with 268 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 2: your spouse that you think can set you up for 269 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,400 Speaker 2: financial success in the transition. 270 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 4: There's some tactical pieces like planning six months ahead ideally 271 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 4: and having at least three months of reserves in the bank. 272 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 4: And most people don't know, but you can be getting 273 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 4: a spousal IRA, so your spouse can be contributing to 274 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 4: your IRA even when you're not. 275 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,120 Speaker 1: Working for pay. 276 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:51,880 Speaker 4: There are some of those technical pieces that just take planning, 277 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 4: and I think that's the foundational piece, is planning and 278 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,760 Speaker 4: making sure we don't like trip and fall into this 279 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,400 Speaker 4: decision and then realize you don't have a plan. I 280 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,560 Speaker 4: think the other piece that was interesting was some of 281 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 4: the creative ways people practiced and budgeting. Some said like, Okay, 282 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,360 Speaker 4: we're going to go through six months having cut the 283 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,360 Speaker 4: costs that were predicting cutting, and we're going to see 284 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 4: how that feels before we come in to it. I 285 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 4: heard of someone else trialing living on one income. So 286 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,000 Speaker 4: they contributed all of. 287 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:26,400 Speaker 2: Her Oh that's interesting her salary into her four to 288 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 2: one k, so that she a had that later on, 289 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 2: but b that they were able to practice living on 290 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 2: one income. And so there are some really creative and 291 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,240 Speaker 2: interesting ways to do that. And again, I think it 292 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 2: just takes that forward thought and the joint team thinking 293 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,840 Speaker 2: around money. Simon was sharing in preparation for this that 294 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 2: she felt there was also a little bit of a 295 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 2: mental battle here too, because a lot of women feel 296 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:55,640 Speaker 2: pride around being independent, funding their own lives without having 297 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 2: to rely on a partner. Do you think there's ways 298 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 2: that we can reframe and feel empowered by the decision. 299 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,720 Speaker 4: If an at home parent was compensated, it would be 300 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,840 Speaker 4: one hundred and eighty four thousand dollars a yere, no 301 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 4: one is paying you that. However, I do think having 302 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 4: some of that backpocket data is helpful in reframing that 303 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 4: this is not work anyone would do without help. If 304 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:25,120 Speaker 4: your friend was getting paid, that they would be considered 305 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 4: having a big job. All of that data doesn't even 306 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,640 Speaker 4: include the emotional and intellectual labor that we keep talking about. 307 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,680 Speaker 4: It talks about stuffurring, it talks about cooking and talks 308 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,920 Speaker 4: about nutrition, but it doesn't really speak to the stuff 309 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 4: you can't outsource. 310 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 2: We have to take a quick break, but we'll be 311 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:56,760 Speaker 2: right back with Neha Rush And we're back with Neha Roush. 312 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 2: I've tried to figure out a way to reframe the 313 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:05,600 Speaker 2: question what you do, because I've noticed I'll ask people 314 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 2: and sometimes stay at home mothers, I can feel they're like, oh, 315 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 2: I just I must stay at home mom, or they 316 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 2: qualify I'm just to stay at home mom, And in 317 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 2: my mind, I'm like, it's not just. 318 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 1: But there's no great way to ask that question. 319 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:24,199 Speaker 2: And I think that in reading your book, one of 320 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,520 Speaker 2: the things that I was really learning is this struggle 321 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,120 Speaker 2: with identity. 322 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,639 Speaker 1: In the moment of career pause. 323 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,880 Speaker 4: First of all, what do you do? It is such 324 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,399 Speaker 4: a universal stumbling block. The phrase has just come to 325 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:43,399 Speaker 4: stand in for who are you? And when you rely 326 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,840 Speaker 4: on your professional title to sum up the things you 327 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 4: care about. There was a woman I interviewed. 328 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:50,400 Speaker 1: And she. 329 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,360 Speaker 4: Was a teacher, and she got great prating from saying 330 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,119 Speaker 4: she was a teacher, because it immediately communicated that she 331 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 4: was empathetic, that she might have been calm, that she 332 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 4: was a communicator that she was intellectually curious, and it 333 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:10,040 Speaker 4: communicated so much about her without that many words, And 334 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 4: when you part with that, you don't have that language 335 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 4: as easily available to you. So you have to figure out, well, 336 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,240 Speaker 4: what belongs to me without that. If you are a teacher, 337 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,280 Speaker 4: or if you're a brand marketer, or if you were 338 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 4: in the media, or if you were a lawyer, that 339 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 4: skill and experience doesn't evautrate just because you're not practicing right, 340 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,320 Speaker 4: So if you want to identify with that, still go 341 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:38,800 Speaker 4: right ahead. There's something interesting about the opportunity of reflecting on, well, 342 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 4: what parts of that identity go with me? What do 343 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,919 Speaker 4: I get to take from In my example, from that 344 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 4: decade in brand marketing, I'm creative. I'm so curious about 345 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,560 Speaker 4: how women work and stories and all of that gets 346 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,959 Speaker 4: to go with me, And I wonder what else I 347 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,120 Speaker 4: can now explore in this stage of life. I've heard 348 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:01,720 Speaker 4: this anecdotally that women working out of the home me 349 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,399 Speaker 4: not want to ask a woman who they perceive as 350 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,679 Speaker 4: a stay at home mom. They might not want to 351 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 4: ask them what to do because they don't want to 352 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,040 Speaker 4: make them uncomfortable. And I think that there is this 353 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 4: fear of we're going to make them uncomfortable, but that's 354 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,400 Speaker 4: on them to work through. It's our job to include 355 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,919 Speaker 4: them in the conversation. And worse than being asked what 356 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 4: you do is not being asked right because then you 357 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,120 Speaker 4: are automatically content out of the conversation. So another way 358 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,879 Speaker 4: to ask might be what are you up to for 359 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,439 Speaker 4: the rest of the day. It gives you a chance 360 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,720 Speaker 4: to talk about how you're actually spending your time. Right 361 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:39,840 Speaker 4: on the inverse, the real language that served me was 362 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 4: right now, because it's a chapter in life. This is 363 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,000 Speaker 4: one part of my story. I get to be with 364 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 4: my kids. That's what I'm actually doing with my time. 365 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 4: We'll see what comes next. 366 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,840 Speaker 2: I love that so much because at the core of 367 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 2: that question is someone just trying to understand what your 368 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 2: interests are and how you spend your time. And so 369 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,160 Speaker 2: you're just reframing that. 370 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,879 Speaker 4: And I think there's a relief that we give ourselves 371 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:06,040 Speaker 4: that we don't have to be fixed into this decision forever. 372 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,960 Speaker 4: But we can own the power or the privilege to 373 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,119 Speaker 4: get to choose this and stand in the power of that. 374 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:15,200 Speaker 4: If you didn't choose, you can say I'm spending time 375 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,240 Speaker 4: with my kids right now. 376 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:16,879 Speaker 1: That's it. 377 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,040 Speaker 2: There's a lot of feelings I imagine that come up 378 00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:23,520 Speaker 2: after deciding to take a career pause. What are some 379 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:28,720 Speaker 2: of those usual feelings. There's a real fear around becoming irrelevant. 380 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,240 Speaker 2: It's sort of the third myth that we try and 381 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,440 Speaker 2: dismantle in the book is this idea that your career 382 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,159 Speaker 2: pause is your career ender. For the reasons we just 383 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,720 Speaker 2: talked about, all of that experience goes with you, right 384 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 2: and I wish I had done a better job of this, 385 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,480 Speaker 2: so I spent time with it on the book. When 386 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 2: you're resigning, you're actually networking on your way out to 387 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,399 Speaker 2: essentially build the bridge back for yourself. You're taking a 388 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:55,840 Speaker 2: mentor out for coffee, or you're taking the administrative assistant 389 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 2: who you had such a nice connection with out to 390 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:02,120 Speaker 2: a drink, because you want to be able to nurture 391 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 2: that network that may serve you really well. And the 392 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:07,840 Speaker 2: nice thing about what the era we're living in right 393 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 2: now is that we can stay connected. It takes thirty 394 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 2: minutes a week maybe to scroll your LinkedIn feed and 395 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:20,680 Speaker 2: be able to engage with former employers, former colleagues, content 396 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 2: and know that. 397 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,159 Speaker 1: That web still exists. 398 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 4: The other thing I wish I'd done was take stock 399 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 4: of my experience when I left. You know, you forget 400 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 4: those little moments that lit you up, that those big 401 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:36,000 Speaker 4: wins that are sort of tangible and easy to communicate, 402 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,359 Speaker 4: and you want those intact and I think being able 403 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,679 Speaker 4: to sort of dignify what you did before reminds you 404 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 4: that those skills are still there for you to draw on. 405 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 4: The other piece is this idea of like, you can 406 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:53,480 Speaker 4: also update your LinkedIn headline to say ten your market 407 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,120 Speaker 4: or something interesting about you that makes you nance right, 408 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 4: curious about women currently volunteering, were currently on sabbatical, something 409 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,720 Speaker 4: that just speaks to where you are without shutting yourself off. 410 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,879 Speaker 4: And then there's a fear of feeling stuck and not 411 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 4: growling and not knowing what comes next. That's my favorite 412 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 4: part to talk about because that's actually where. 413 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:16,720 Speaker 1: You can use this. 414 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,840 Speaker 4: Stage of life to get really intentional, and I think 415 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,560 Speaker 4: that's the part that's lesser talked about. 416 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,879 Speaker 2: My mom told me she took I think four years 417 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,919 Speaker 2: off when she had my brother and I we were 418 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,359 Speaker 2: two years apart, and she said those were some of 419 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 2: the hardest years of her life. 420 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 1: She really enjoyed working. 421 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 2: And she felt that sense of stuckness for a person 422 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,719 Speaker 2: like that who takes a career pause and then thought, 423 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:45,679 Speaker 2: maybe this isn't for me. 424 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:47,879 Speaker 1: What does somebody do? 425 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 4: Then you're allowed to reevaluate your decision at any time. 426 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,719 Speaker 4: First of all, it's normal to feel a little bit 427 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,280 Speaker 4: of grief as your trait and discomfort as your transition. 428 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 4: Even if this was your choice, it's going to going 429 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,439 Speaker 4: to feel uncomfortable. And I think that the part around 430 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,200 Speaker 4: that is really starts with giving yourself permission that this 431 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 4: stage of life you might have chosen or not chosen to, 432 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,080 Speaker 4: but it happened that you're making room to raise your kids, 433 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 4: but you can actually make room to grow alongside. When 434 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:21,760 Speaker 4: we reframe that as yes, we are here in this 435 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,119 Speaker 4: moment in this chapter to focus on our family life 436 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 4: and to thrive in family life, and for our family 437 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:34,000 Speaker 4: to thrive, they deserve a healthy and whole parent. What 438 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,639 Speaker 4: can I do now to plant seeds for my future 439 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 4: vision state? You know, I think a lot about how 440 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,600 Speaker 4: when I was in the workforce, I know many women 441 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,199 Speaker 4: were this way. You know, you go at the end 442 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 4: of your year end review and you kind of say 443 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,119 Speaker 4: the things you have to say to get a promotion 444 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,360 Speaker 4: or a salary bump. This is actually the only time 445 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,560 Speaker 4: where you're reporting only to yourself. And when you're reporting 446 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,199 Speaker 4: to yourself, what are those metrics? Right? And if you 447 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 4: aren't going to get a promotion and you aren't going 448 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,640 Speaker 4: to get a salary, how else can you measure success? 449 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:11,600 Speaker 4: And too often we see women feel like, well, if 450 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,679 Speaker 4: I'm going to be taking care of my kids, my 451 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,280 Speaker 4: metric for success is their behavior the state of my home. 452 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:22,520 Speaker 4: But can we reframe this to think for ourselves if 453 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,600 Speaker 4: we want to measure our own growth, how can we 454 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,440 Speaker 4: start to back into what are measures of success? And 455 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,400 Speaker 4: I mean I talk about a number of different ways, 456 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:34,919 Speaker 4: but my favorite one is forecast your ideal day in 457 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,199 Speaker 4: five ten years, right, great detail where you're spending time with, 458 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,000 Speaker 4: what are you're spending time on, how do you feel 459 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,639 Speaker 4: in your body? How do you feel in your mind? 460 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 4: Because that will reveal to you, well, what do I 461 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,960 Speaker 4: really care about moving myself toward? And I think in 462 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,840 Speaker 4: that way, we reclaim this time for ourselves and we 463 00:24:55,920 --> 00:25:02,120 Speaker 4: dignify that time with goals. 464 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 2: For another short break, but don't go anywhere. We'll be 465 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:13,760 Speaker 2: right back and we're back with njar roush Okay, going 466 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,240 Speaker 2: to Your American Mother's on Pause survey, the majority of 467 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 2: stay at home moms say they find the process of 468 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,160 Speaker 2: applying to jobs pretty intimidating. 469 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:23,040 Speaker 1: Where do you think. 470 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,960 Speaker 2: The best place to look for the next big job 471 00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,640 Speaker 2: or the next big opportunity is when. 472 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,479 Speaker 4: You have been on a career pause. Well, ideally you 473 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,880 Speaker 4: start that practice kind of right away. There's such an 474 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,639 Speaker 4: interesting moment of self study, this idea that once you 475 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:44,440 Speaker 4: step into a career break, no one's tracking those accomplishments, 476 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 4: but you can. Can you write down and make a 477 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:51,320 Speaker 4: list in your phone iPhone out We're on a Google 478 00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 4: doc of what's a moment that sparked your interest, What's 479 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 4: something that made you feel proud this week? Any and 480 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,200 Speaker 4: all things. And it might seem completely disparate, but when 481 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,919 Speaker 4: you look back, the dots will connect and they'll do 482 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,199 Speaker 4: two things. One and I'll use the example of this 483 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 4: woman in North Carolina who what jumped out to her 484 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,440 Speaker 4: and looking back at a year of notes was that 485 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:23,480 Speaker 4: one time that she helped her local school system organize 486 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,760 Speaker 4: a new bus route for her area which was underserved. 487 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 4: One it revealed to her that she's actually really interested 488 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:35,639 Speaker 4: in project management. Second thing, when she realized she wanted 489 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:38,439 Speaker 4: to go into project management, which was not necessarily like 490 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 4: a full pivot, but it was an evolution from where 491 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:46,920 Speaker 4: she was. She started to put the bullets under her 492 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:51,679 Speaker 4: experience over these last couple of years together, and she 493 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,480 Speaker 4: was able to fancify that one experience to make it relevant. 494 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 4: Game changing suddenly gave her an ability to speak with 495 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:02,480 Speaker 4: confidence to number of relevant experiences that she had during 496 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,639 Speaker 4: that time away. And I'm not saying brush under the 497 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:07,480 Speaker 4: rug that she paused her career to take care of 498 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,480 Speaker 4: family life, but she has a way in which to 499 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,440 Speaker 4: speak to how she expanded her skills in like really 500 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,040 Speaker 4: tangible practical ways. 501 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,080 Speaker 2: What are some pitfalls to look out for when you're 502 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:19,520 Speaker 2: planning a return to work. 503 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:24,240 Speaker 4: I ran into this and I work for myself. Whatever 504 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:28,880 Speaker 4: your shift is that you're stepping into around career and family. 505 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,639 Speaker 4: When you're entering in a new season, there's re examination 506 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 4: between your partner and you, and so we go back 507 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:40,679 Speaker 4: to those meetings around how might we think about the 508 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,000 Speaker 4: dynamic that's shifting. In this case, it might not be 509 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,440 Speaker 4: a money conversation, but it might be a roles and 510 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:49,320 Speaker 4: responsibilities conversation right, And I think too often we've been 511 00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:53,679 Speaker 4: so focused on the re entry and our children have 512 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:58,080 Speaker 4: grown along side and maybe their needs have changed, but 513 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:02,159 Speaker 4: we try and have similar to the money meetings are 514 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:05,399 Speaker 4: pretty consistent back to school. It is a sort of 515 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:10,400 Speaker 4: normal inflection point or revisiting period where we've re examined 516 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 4: the routines, who's doing pickups, lay out all the cards 517 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:20,159 Speaker 4: and the fair play, and reassign them because what we 518 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,880 Speaker 4: don't want to see is we take on more work 519 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:26,639 Speaker 4: outside of the home and we're still holding all of 520 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,400 Speaker 4: the cards that we were before. For many women who 521 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:33,160 Speaker 4: have been carrying the sort of unpaid intellectual emotional labor 522 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:37,520 Speaker 4: for so long, it can very quickly continue to default 523 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:40,400 Speaker 4: that way unless you intentionally have that dialogue, and not 524 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 4: just with your husband, with your kids too. I got 525 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 4: some great wisdom from Tova Klein, who I interviewed for 526 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:49,400 Speaker 4: the book, and she said, it's not about working in 527 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 4: or out of the home. 528 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:51,040 Speaker 3: Right. 529 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 4: We know that there are equally healthy outcomes for children 530 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:57,240 Speaker 4: no matter what. It's about having a present parent when 531 00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:00,440 Speaker 4: you are there, So how can you redefine intently what 532 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,880 Speaker 4: that presence is going to look like for you? And 533 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,880 Speaker 4: maybe I'll give you my example. I now work until 534 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:10,320 Speaker 4: four thirty every day, and I return home and I 535 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,920 Speaker 4: put my phone away on the front console table and 536 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,440 Speaker 4: I don't pick it up again untill eight. So I 537 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:19,360 Speaker 4: know that from an hour's perspective, I'm spending far fewer hours. 538 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,320 Speaker 4: But that was what allows me the ability to feel 539 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:29,040 Speaker 4: really confident that they're still getting a whole and present parent. 540 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,520 Speaker 4: The other piece of this is our needs and wants 541 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,040 Speaker 4: are allowed to shift over time, just like the whole 542 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:34,920 Speaker 4: family units. 543 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 2: Nothing makes me feel more loved and cared for than 544 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 2: when someone puts their phone away. Oh and so I 545 00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 2: think your kids must feel that me too. Okay, this 546 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,479 Speaker 2: is Simone's great question and I want to share it 547 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,080 Speaker 2: even though she's not here. She said she wants to 548 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,560 Speaker 2: talk child care. This feels like the biggest barrier for 549 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,920 Speaker 2: her and most of the moms that she speaks to, 550 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:01,640 Speaker 2: and the biggest struggle. So during her pause, it was 551 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,200 Speaker 2: hard to find help and then pay for it. What 552 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,040 Speaker 2: are some creative ways to find help? 553 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:10,640 Speaker 4: I think the first piece was that she struggled, and 554 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,000 Speaker 4: if I remember correctly, with this idea that if I'm 555 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:16,360 Speaker 4: not doing paid work, I don't deserve paid help, right, 556 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,200 Speaker 4: and I think that that sadly, we see reflected in 557 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,800 Speaker 4: the research that one in three women feel that way. 558 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,560 Speaker 4: This work is of value, but it's also work, and 559 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 4: no one should expect to do that twenty four to 560 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:32,840 Speaker 4: seven without breaks. With that in mind, the next question becomes, Okay, 561 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,120 Speaker 4: the most readily available person to give you a break 562 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,360 Speaker 4: is your partner in the case of a two parent household. 563 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,800 Speaker 4: So how might we have conversations with our partner in 564 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:44,480 Speaker 4: the case of especially if we don't have access to 565 00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 4: paid help, about how we might be able to take 566 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,400 Speaker 4: the mornings to ourselves, if our partner can wake up 567 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:53,800 Speaker 4: with our child, or even rotate mornings so that we 568 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 4: can have a dependable hour every morning that we can 569 00:30:56,600 --> 00:31:00,440 Speaker 4: work out. You know, we can invest in whatever lights 570 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:01,840 Speaker 4: us up and keeps us healthy. 571 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:02,280 Speaker 1: Right. 572 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 4: Part two of that is how might you think about 573 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:08,640 Speaker 4: what else you can delegate? It doesn't always have to 574 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,360 Speaker 4: be childcare, and I have a full robust list at 575 00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,960 Speaker 4: the end of the help chapter. Maybe for you it's 576 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,680 Speaker 4: not about getting help with the kids, but it is 577 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,640 Speaker 4: about the stuff that you do want to delegate, like laundry, 578 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:25,600 Speaker 4: gift buying, cleaning, in general meals, whatever that might be. 579 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 4: Have that conversation with yourself and in the home about 580 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,560 Speaker 4: what are stuff that I can either delegate or let 581 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,640 Speaker 4: go of for this time or lower the bar on, 582 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:35,920 Speaker 4: Like we know that we do have to do laundry 583 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:37,720 Speaker 4: in a house, but how often do we have to 584 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:40,400 Speaker 4: do it? I heard one woman say I just bought 585 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,720 Speaker 4: ten under It turns out that like getting ten under 586 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:45,600 Speaker 4: pats of underwear was just cheaper. 587 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:46,360 Speaker 1: I didn't have to. 588 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:48,440 Speaker 4: Get like a cleaning lady, but I could only have 589 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,760 Speaker 4: to do laundry once a month, once a week and 590 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:52,640 Speaker 4: not made. 591 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:53,320 Speaker 1: Sense for us. 592 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 4: And then the really creative ones were the ones who 593 00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,600 Speaker 4: decided to do like a coworking swap where one takes 594 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,480 Speaker 4: three kids at a time and then the two others 595 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 4: get a break for a few hours each afternoon. It's 596 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:11,760 Speaker 4: like a win win, But it does take saying you 597 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:15,520 Speaker 4: need help, putting yourself out there with friends, asking what 598 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,240 Speaker 4: other solutions other people are using. It can be nanny shares, 599 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,360 Speaker 4: it can be mothers helpers, It can be your partner 600 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 4: or family. But everyone deserves those breaks. 601 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:30,160 Speaker 2: Nah has you're doing these community events for your book launch, 602 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 2: do you find that women are gravitating towards a chapter 603 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:35,320 Speaker 2: or an idea. 604 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:39,720 Speaker 4: In particular, the chapter on reframing our sense of ambition 605 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:43,760 Speaker 4: that are in our sense of identity is always you know, 606 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:45,480 Speaker 4: I think it sits at the heart of this work 607 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:52,520 Speaker 4: because we have been fed this idea that our worth 608 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:57,200 Speaker 4: is so tied up to what we do for a living, 609 00:32:57,520 --> 00:32:59,480 Speaker 4: and if we part with that, who are we? How 610 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 4: do we exist? How do we stay relevant? The other 611 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,880 Speaker 4: piece that people are really interested in when they're in 612 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,840 Speaker 4: community is when they look around and they realize, wait 613 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,400 Speaker 4: a second, this is not the stay at home mom 614 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,600 Speaker 4: fore yesteryear. I think this sort of stay at home 615 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:16,920 Speaker 4: working mother divide has done us no good and we need, 616 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,240 Speaker 4: we need a lot more together in this for these 617 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:20,280 Speaker 4: next few years. 618 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,800 Speaker 2: In thinking about the stay at home mother of yesteryear, 619 00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 2: I was really interested to learn that the term stay 620 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,960 Speaker 2: at home mom only came into our vernacular in the 621 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:33,000 Speaker 2: nineteen nineties, and at the time it was meant to 622 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:37,520 Speaker 2: modernize the title housewife or homemaker. And so now in 623 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,400 Speaker 2: twenty twenty five, your book is out and you've put 624 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:42,480 Speaker 2: your stake in the ground, which is the word that 625 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,560 Speaker 2: you use last time you came on the podcast. How 626 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,240 Speaker 2: do you see the term and the perception of stay 627 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:50,240 Speaker 2: at home mom evolve in the future. 628 00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:52,800 Speaker 4: My hope is where you can just blur the edges 629 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,280 Speaker 4: around it and just get rid of it entirely. I mean, 630 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:58,200 Speaker 4: no one replies I'm a working mom. Like if you 631 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:00,760 Speaker 4: ask what you do, you don't say I'm a working mom. 632 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:02,680 Speaker 4: There's no reason to say I'm a stay at home mom. 633 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,240 Speaker 4: Right Yeah, the ability to just say and I go 634 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 4: back to right now, I get to be with my kids. 635 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:11,600 Speaker 1: We'll see what comes next. One part of a very 636 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 1: ongoing story. 637 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:19,279 Speaker 2: So I'm obsessed with book dedications, and I open up 638 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:24,760 Speaker 2: your book and it has a beautiful dedication. It says 639 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:27,920 Speaker 2: for my father for always honoring my mother's impact in 640 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,799 Speaker 2: our home and for believing in me and this work too. 641 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:34,600 Speaker 2: Can you share more about the dedication. 642 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:42,040 Speaker 4: We immigrated here when I was three, and he always 643 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:45,120 Speaker 4: worshiped the ground my mother walked on. I knew that, 644 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,200 Speaker 4: but I didn't know how fully he credited her for 645 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:51,600 Speaker 4: the work that he was able to do until I 646 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:55,560 Speaker 4: got a little bit older. And he always made so 647 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,239 Speaker 4: clear that he was not able to do what he 648 00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,080 Speaker 4: could do about her. He was building a company at 649 00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:04,400 Speaker 4: the time where there was a lot of immigrants coming 650 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:08,680 Speaker 4: in from India, and she was the one who would 651 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:12,080 Speaker 4: settle them into the local community and help line up 652 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,520 Speaker 4: housing and schools, that she would house them in many 653 00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,520 Speaker 4: cases and they would live with us. I mean, it 654 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:20,160 Speaker 4: was really she was his right, She was his head 655 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,359 Speaker 4: of hr and he paid her such respect that I 656 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:26,040 Speaker 4: didn't even fully understand when I took my own career 657 00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:29,680 Speaker 4: pods the shaman stigma I was going to feel. My 658 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,280 Speaker 4: mother did ultimately return to work outside of the home, 659 00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:35,239 Speaker 4: but they always seemed like such a team. And then 660 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,920 Speaker 4: that is and maybe is why I talk so much 661 00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:41,239 Speaker 4: about that mindset going into these kinds of shifts. 662 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:45,359 Speaker 1: Did he support your career pause? Did you consult him 663 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:46,600 Speaker 1: about it before you decided? 664 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:51,440 Speaker 4: I did, and he he did. I think, you know, 665 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:56,360 Speaker 4: he also put this faith in me that I would 666 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:57,359 Speaker 4: be able. 667 00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:58,360 Speaker 1: To turn it into something. 668 00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:05,840 Speaker 4: I had that belief and confidence pretty early on. And 669 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:08,040 Speaker 4: we don't always get those messages when we're young, and 670 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:10,399 Speaker 4: we don't always get those messages from the people who 671 00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:13,280 Speaker 4: raise us or surround us. And I do feel lucky 672 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,600 Speaker 4: in that way, and it is absolutely because I had 673 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:16,480 Speaker 4: him in my corner. 674 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:18,400 Speaker 1: It's so beautiful. 675 00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:24,200 Speaker 2: This almost feels like it's been a lifetime of practice 676 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,719 Speaker 2: and of work. Who are really a culture shifter, And 677 00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 2: I'm so glad that this book exists in the world, 678 00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:32,400 Speaker 2: and I'm so glad that you've been leading this charge. 679 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:35,200 Speaker 2: So thank you for sharing your time with us today. 680 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:42,640 Speaker 2: Thank you. Danielle nehal Ruche is the founder and CEO 681 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,680 Speaker 2: of Mother Untitled and the author of The Power Pause, 682 00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:46,480 Speaker 2: which is out. 683 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:56,480 Speaker 3: Now, that's it for today's show. Tomorrow it is Wellness Wednesday, y'all, 684 00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,880 Speaker 3: and we're talking all about financial health and how to 685 00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:01,399 Speaker 3: use AI to reach our money goals. Here to walk 686 00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:04,600 Speaker 3: us through it is the self proclaimed Beyonce of personal finance, 687 00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:10,880 Speaker 3: Melissa Jean Baptiste. Join the conversation using hashtag the bright 688 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,680 Speaker 3: Side and connect with us on social media at Hello 689 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:16,880 Speaker 3: Sunshine on Instagram and at the bright Side Pod on 690 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:20,000 Speaker 3: TikTok Oh, and feel free to tag us at Simone 691 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,080 Speaker 3: Boyce and at Danielle Robe. 692 00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:25,520 Speaker 2: Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, 693 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:28,239 Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 694 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:32,120 Speaker 3: See you tomorrow, folks. Keep looking on the bright side.