Speaker 1: Niggas still be beefing.
Speaker 2: Dead ass, But what happens when the beef came from
Speaker 2: such a great place?
Speaker 3: Good ass on both sides. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout,
Speaker 3: and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 3: With our voice and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 3: form of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therby most days. Wow.
Speaker 3: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 4: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 4: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 3: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 5: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 5: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 5: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 5: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 5: We about to take philosof to our whole new level.
Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Shoot, this is three days ago, three days ago.
Speaker 2: Normally, deval I was like, I'm gonna take you way
Speaker 2: back back in the time two thousand and six.
Speaker 3: Ye, now this is like three days ago.
Speaker 1: It's three days ago.
Speaker 6: Just the heads up, Kadeen and I, Well, I have
Speaker 6: a new agent now and a new manager for my
Speaker 6: theatrical So I've been focused really on leaning into my
Speaker 6: creative side and being a thespian, like I'm really taking
Speaker 6: that part of my career seriously. So I hired a
Speaker 6: new agent, hired a new manager, got my first set
Speaker 6: of auditions the first week of the year, so I'm
Speaker 6: super excited. Got my stuff, got my shirt, got everything on.
Speaker 6: I went and got my all my outfits together. I
Speaker 6: called Brian Jordan Junior over to come help me read.
Speaker 6: He was supposed to.
Speaker 1: Help us with the dances that we have going on
Speaker 1: for the tour. So I'm in a mold.
Speaker 6: I'm getting ready to go downstairs and then boom, so.
Speaker 2: Deval at this point, now, unbeknownst to him, I ordered
Speaker 2: some equipment that I reached out to.
Speaker 3: His friend Cheeto, who plays Gary on the show.
Speaker 2: Says to shout out to Cheeto anytime we'd see Cheeto
Speaker 2: posting self tapes or showing a boomerang on Instagram of
Speaker 2: him doing a self tape. Devals like, man, his backdrop
Speaker 2: looks good, like his setup looks really good. And typically
Speaker 2: we just filmed these in the theater. But Davao seemed
Speaker 2: to really make a comment about every time Cheeto had
Speaker 2: these self tapes that he was doing.
Speaker 3: So I hit up Cheeto sometime.
Speaker 2: In November December of last year and I said, hey, bro,
Speaker 2: I want to get Deval a new revamped, you know,
Speaker 2: look for his audition tapes, his self tape, So can
Speaker 2: you just send me like everything that you've purchased for
Speaker 2: your setup. I want to surprise him with it as
Speaker 2: a little something I do for him at the top
Speaker 2: of the year. So Cheeto sent me all of the links.
Speaker 2: I ordered everything on Amazon, and I wanted to surprise
Speaker 2: the vow with this prior to his audition because I
Speaker 2: felt like, you know this twenty twenty.
Speaker 3: Four, it's a new year, he has a new agent.
Speaker 2: I just kind of feel this energy around him just
Speaker 2: booking and just really people getting to see him being
Speaker 2: the leading male that I know he is. So I
Speaker 2: wanted to give this to him as a nice gesture
Speaker 2: because the val has also said that he's felt like
Speaker 2: in the past I don't do things to make him
Speaker 2: feel love and appreciate it, like little things. So that's
Speaker 2: an effort that I said I was going to try
Speaker 2: to make moving forward to just show him little ways
Speaker 2: I've been thinking about him, and this was one of them.
Speaker 3: So de Val comes out of the room prepared to
Speaker 3: do his audition.
Speaker 2: He's about to go downstairs and I stop him with
Speaker 2: Matt and I'm like, hey, babe, I just wanted to
Speaker 2: show you something that I got for you, a little surprise.
Speaker 2: And I told him how much you know, I was
Speaker 2: just using it as a moment to give him his
Speaker 2: flowers and just say how much I believe in him.
Speaker 2: And this is a new year and this is his
Speaker 2: breakthrough year and I want the world to figure out
Speaker 2: what I already know that you are a star.
Speaker 3: And Devou then says thanks.
Speaker 6: Said also all the stuff in the boxes to hear
Speaker 6: so cool, gave her a hug, gave her a kid
Speaker 6: So I said thanks. So I'm gonna take this downstairs.
Speaker 6: And then Kay says, are you being an asshole? And
Speaker 6: I'm like, huh, Like, how am I being an asshole?
Speaker 6: And She's just like no, I just feel like you're
Speaker 6: being an asshole. You like you just so I'm like, Matt,
Speaker 6: am I being an asshole? And Matt is like, hey, listen,
Speaker 6: I'm just here to capture content. I don't know what
Speaker 6: so then we go downstairs.
Speaker 2: That was kind of Matt did look at me like
Speaker 2: because I think he genuinely saw like, Okay, it was
Speaker 2: a moment. It was awkward, and I think it was
Speaker 2: awkward because you just say, we.
Speaker 6: Can tell the story, and then we can dissect the story.
Speaker 6: We just tell the story. So the end of the
Speaker 6: story is Kadeen called me an asshole. Yes, and then
Speaker 6: we walked downstairs. When we come back, we're gonna dissect
Speaker 6: how everything happened. Okay, but before we come back, before
Speaker 6: we come back, we got karaoke.
Speaker 1: Let me see if you know this song, Uncle Paul,
Speaker 1: he commissioned. You know what it is. She's a Leo
Speaker 1: des Narrow.
Speaker 6: Charlie Baltimore, Iceberg, Slim, the most shady Frankie, Baby, you
Speaker 6: what's beef? Beef is when you need you get to
Speaker 6: go to sleep. Beef is when your moms ain't safe,
Speaker 6: U been in the streets. Beef is when I see
Speaker 6: you guaranteed to be here, I see you one more
Speaker 6: Time's beef. That's so now he called me an asshole.
Speaker 6: We got beef.
Speaker 3: We got beef, y'all.
Speaker 6: When we come back, we're gonna we're gonna dissect the
Speaker 6: beef and talk about what went wrong.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you how we made it into filaming
Speaker 2: your wagoo wago.
Speaker 1: We're back.
Speaker 3: We're back and run to take back.
Speaker 6: So we don't even gotta tell y'all what we were
Speaker 6: about to discuss the y'all, So matter of fact, we're
Speaker 6: gonna put this into dead ass podcast.
Speaker 1: Court DNN Boom.
Speaker 6: Deval stepped out of the room ready for an audition,
Speaker 6: not sure what the surprise was. Boom, Kadeen stepped to
Speaker 6: Devo with a surprise he got. Deval does not seem
Speaker 6: happy enough. Kadeen calls the vow an Assholeval.
Speaker 2: Continues to ensue with asshole activity by taking all of
Speaker 2: the contents in the box, fumbling down the steps, opening
Speaker 2: them quickly and expeditiously, trying to set everything up in
Speaker 2: one clean, sweet potion.
Speaker 3: And he failed.
Speaker 6: So let's discuss this, okay, bro, let's discuss this. Number One,
Speaker 6: name calling is never.
Speaker 3: Acceptable, that's a fact. Will admit that.
Speaker 6: Never acceptable, but admit that when somebody is gonna call
Speaker 6: somebody else the name, we know who the culprit is.
Speaker 1: Kadeen is the queen name caller.
Speaker 3: I don't be calling we don't do name calling. We don't.
Speaker 1: We don't.
Speaker 3: But in that moment, I was like it was getting
Speaker 3: the record. Let the record show asshole activity.
Speaker 6: The first time I express myself my true feelings, Kadeen said,
Speaker 6: I sounded like a bit.
Speaker 1: So now I.
Speaker 6: Didn't express myself enough with gratitude, and now I'm an asshole.
Speaker 1: I just want to be clear. But I just want that.
Speaker 6: I want because in dead ass podcast court, I want
Speaker 6: to submit these into evidence. Submit I got received, I
Speaker 6: got a whole foul on you.
Speaker 3: Well, let me grant emotion for pain and suffering.
Speaker 1: Pain and suffering. Well, what did I do.
Speaker 3: Because you hurt my feelings?
Speaker 2: De val when I was trying to do a nice
Speaker 2: gesture for you, and you literally were like, okay, h
Speaker 2: let me patch you on the head like I'm a dog,
Speaker 2: or like give me that church hug, thank you, and
Speaker 2: then go on about it. But you didn't even like
Speaker 2: sit in the moment with me for a little bit
Speaker 2: to be like wow, like Kadine, I can really this
Speaker 2: is great, Like this is somewhere I can really elevate
Speaker 2: my auditions. You just really like brushed me off and
Speaker 2: you were dismissive. Now, maybe not quite asshole, but dismissive.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 6: In my defense, and you know this, yes, I've been
Speaker 6: preparing for these auditions for three.
Speaker 1: Days, Yes, three days.
Speaker 6: Brian had just gotten into the house to help us
Speaker 6: with something else. I asked him to do one audition
Speaker 6: and then the second one came in. So it wasn't
Speaker 6: that I was just trying to brush her off. It
Speaker 6: was more like, let me be cognizant of everyone's time
Speaker 6: and be considerate because it was already eight pm. Brian
Speaker 6: had got here eight pm in the night. He also
Speaker 6: has to drive back to Nova Scotia where he lives,
Speaker 6: because he lives far from us. So I was really
Speaker 6: just trying to be cognizant of everyone's time because we
Speaker 6: had to do these auditions and then also prepare for
Speaker 6: the tour. So in my defense, I was not brushing
Speaker 6: you off. I was trying to stay prepared because, as
Speaker 6: you know, it's two auditions, it's two sets asides two
Speaker 6: separate characters. You've heard me mumbling through these lines for
Speaker 6: the past couple of days. So I just was focused.
Speaker 6: It wasn't that I was brushing you off. I really
Speaker 6: was just focused. Last thing, In my defense, I didn't
Speaker 6: give you a church hug. I held you with my
Speaker 6: right arm. I kissed you on your head. I kissed
Speaker 6: you on the forehead.
Speaker 3: I said, thank you.
Speaker 6: This is it was like a headlock. It was I'm
Speaker 6: not gonna lie, it was like a headlock. But I
Speaker 6: kissed you on the four and I was said, baby,
Speaker 6: this is very, very thoughtful. It's all the stuff in
Speaker 6: the box.
Speaker 1: This is it? Okay? Cool?
Speaker 6: Now can we go downstairs. That's what I did. Now,
Speaker 6: I will admit that wasn't the same thing that I
Speaker 6: typically do when I have time. No, I typically throw
Speaker 6: you in the air, twirl you around, tell you how
Speaker 6: great you are, swim through the floor, announce to the
Speaker 6: whole world how amazing my wife is.
Speaker 1: I didn't get a chance to do that this time.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I rest my case.
Speaker 6: Objective objection not objective? God, come on, man, how you
Speaker 6: gonna be in dead ass podcast? You don't even know
Speaker 6: the words objection, objection, strike.
Speaker 3: To motion the strike. First of all, you're.
Speaker 6: Just saying all the stuff you see on the practice.
Speaker 3: Law in order.
Speaker 2: It's for you too much. I, in that moment, wasn't
Speaker 2: wasn't wanting you to give me. In turn, all of
Speaker 2: my flowers and make me feel good about doing something
Speaker 2: for you. I just genuinely wanted you to feel good
Speaker 2: that something was done for you. So it really like
Speaker 2: I wasn't looking for you to, you know, praise me
Speaker 2: in that moment and be like, oh my god, couldn't
Speaker 2: you hear the best wife ever? Because you thought of this.
Speaker 2: I really just wanted you in that moment to say, wow,
Speaker 2: oh my god, I could probably be using for my audition,
Speaker 2: like this was a really thoughtful thing, Like, let's see
Speaker 2: if we can set it up. But in your defense,
Speaker 2: I do know how you get when you are very
Speaker 2: like one track mine horse blinders on. When you have
Speaker 2: an audition, particularly two at the same time. It's two
Speaker 2: different characters that you have to get into that mode. Like,
Speaker 2: I completely understand it. So after everything panned out, I
Speaker 2: did say to Matt, you know, maybe we should have
Speaker 2: given it to him yesterday because I was going to
Speaker 2: give it to you the day before so you can
Speaker 2: kind of know that you have it and prep for it.
Speaker 3: But since I wanted to kind of capture.
Speaker 2: Everything and we were doing a Patreon episode all in one,
Speaker 2: I kind of felt like that was the perfect time
Speaker 2: to do everything and just make it fluid. We can
Speaker 2: capture everything to that one episode and you know, I
Speaker 2: got you. That was my mindset. But was it poor
Speaker 2: timing on my part? Probably because I didn't even think
Speaker 2: about you being in that mode for auditioning. Right, So
Speaker 2: I apologize for calling you an asshole? Do you accept
Speaker 2: my apologies?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 6: I accept. I accepted your apologist now, and here's the
Speaker 6: truth you said. I then continued in asshole activities after
Speaker 6: she caught me an asshole. I felt bad because I
Speaker 6: was kind of like, what did I do wrong? So
Speaker 6: she was like, you can leave it here. It's like no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 6: let's use it. So I'm grabbing all the stuff to
Speaker 6: take downstairs because I'm trying to prove to her like
Speaker 6: I appreciate it. And now she's like upset that I'm
Speaker 6: grabbing the stuff, and she keeps saying to me theout
Speaker 6: we don't have to use it now, we don't have
Speaker 6: to use it now, And I'm like, you called me
Speaker 6: an asshole because I didn't get excited about using it
Speaker 6: in that moment.
Speaker 1: So we're gonna use it now.
Speaker 2: But there's a way to do it, Like he was
Speaker 2: like pretty much grabbing everything, because even Brian when you
Speaker 2: came downstairs, Brian was like, yo, I just looked over
Speaker 2: and saw de VAO's eyes looking at the floor like
Speaker 2: he was on a mission. I was like, yeah, that's
Speaker 2: because you called me an asshole, right, and that was
Speaker 2: the asshole activity. You weren't coming downstairs like damn be like,
Speaker 2: KY set this up for me. I know that you're
Speaker 2: here waiting my bad like she got me this setup.
Speaker 2: I want to try to use it for my audition.
Speaker 2: You went downstairs like like you were on a mission
Speaker 2: to open up all on your thing.
Speaker 6: It's not full, no, but it was. I'm watching it
Speaker 6: and it's on the end of spilling because you keep clicking.
Speaker 1: Your leg, do do you?
Speaker 2: But you were down this stairs like on a mission
Speaker 2: to get the set up done, so I need you
Speaker 2: to use.
Speaker 3: It that moment.
Speaker 6: But let's ask the people what's asshole activity? Calling someone
Speaker 6: an asshole because they don't respond the way you want
Speaker 6: them to respond, or then trying to respond the way
Speaker 6: they want you to respond after the fact, one seems
Speaker 6: a little bit more assholest than the other.
Speaker 1: And it's not me. I'm just being honest, like I
Speaker 1: really did do nothing to you. I didn't do anything
Speaker 1: to you.
Speaker 2: So I did say after the fact that maybe asshole
Speaker 2: wasn't the right word, But you were dismissive in that moment.
Speaker 6: So in my defense, I will say I don't think
Speaker 6: I was dismissive because I wasn't even really paying attention.
Speaker 6: It'd be different if I was paying attention and I
Speaker 6: was just like, fuck this gift.
Speaker 1: I really wasn't. I was unaware.
Speaker 6: I was a loof, and I don't think that's any better,
Speaker 6: But I don't think it was dismissive. I was a loof,
Speaker 6: like I was focusing while you were saying the things
Speaker 6: you were saying. I was focusing on being Zach Cobb
Speaker 6: and being Quentin like you was just like, babe, I
Speaker 6: just this, and I'm going through lines over my head.
Speaker 1: And the minute you were done, I was just like.
Speaker 2: I did.
Speaker 1: I didn't hear what you were saying.
Speaker 2: I was, and so it's fair to say that you
Speaker 2: weren't paying attention to what I was not paying attention,
Speaker 2: And because of that, it made me feel like you
Speaker 2: were detached and disconnected and being in that moment asshole.
Speaker 2: But you were dismissive, I felt right, and that was
Speaker 2: where the disconnect came in.
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolut I agree, that's where the disconnect came in.
Speaker 6: I just feel like calling someone the name and then
Speaker 6: being upset about how they respond about you calling them
Speaker 6: a name.
Speaker 1: It's not an adult like behavior.
Speaker 2: I didn't know you were upset because I called you asshole.
Speaker 2: I thought you were just upset because I was like
Speaker 2: breaking your train of thought when it came you were upset.
Speaker 6: Because I was definitely upset that you called me an asshole.
Speaker 6: Why would I be happy what you calling me an asshole?
Speaker 6: Especially when I don't think I'm being an asshole? And
Speaker 6: then also, no one wants to be called a name.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 6: But it's like I really didn't understand in the moment
Speaker 6: because I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know
Speaker 6: how I was being an asshole. I legitimately didn't know
Speaker 6: how you perceived it. It was kind of like you.
Speaker 1: And here's the truth.
Speaker 6: Remember I was looking for the light, yes, and I
Speaker 6: was like, babe, I was like, where's a tripod?
Speaker 1: Babe, where's a tripod?
Speaker 6: So I thought you had a tripod in there, And
Speaker 6: at first I was like, why are we filming you
Speaker 6: giving me a tripod you asked me for. I asked
Speaker 6: for a tripod. I didn't know what was happening. I
Speaker 6: noticed it was a whole thing you.
Speaker 1: Had thought of.
Speaker 3: It was a surprise going wrong.
Speaker 6: And I'll say I was I was aloof to that.
Speaker 6: I could have been, yeah, I could have been more aware.
Speaker 6: But it's like after that, I was really trying to
Speaker 6: correct it because I was like, so, what did I do? Like,
Speaker 6: I didn't know? I was like, and then I was concerned.
Speaker 6: I was like, is it something I do to her
Speaker 6: all the time? And she's she hasn't told me, And
Speaker 6: now this is destroyed.
Speaker 2: This is what happens when two people who like, are
Speaker 2: invested and love each other, Yeah, are really like internally
Speaker 2: trying to figure out what's going on well and then
Speaker 2: also trying to like make sure the other person's okay
Speaker 2: at the same time simultaneously. And I didn't read it
Speaker 2: that way. I guess the way I received it was okay.
Speaker 2: Once I did call you an asshole, which I will
Speaker 2: apologize that for that again and say that you don't
Speaker 2: have to apologize, No, just for people to know it's
Speaker 2: not okay to be name calling you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: but in that moment, I think my feelings were a
Speaker 2: little hurt, and that's just what came out, you know
Speaker 2: what I'm.
Speaker 3: Saying in that moment.
Speaker 2: But I just felt like the way that you went
Speaker 2: about then trying to now put the light together and
Speaker 2: like you were kind of fumbling over everything. You weren't
Speaker 2: even taking care of that moment to say, Okay, let's
Speaker 2: try to figure this out real quick, or really just
Speaker 2: decide do I want to tackle this right now or
Speaker 2: do I want to continue to focus on my audition.
Speaker 2: It just felt that you were just adding fuel to
Speaker 2: the fire in that moment by being all erratic about
Speaker 2: how you were trying to put things together.
Speaker 6: I'm going to be honest, I didn't know what to
Speaker 6: do because I thought I was doing what I wanted
Speaker 6: to do, and I got called an asshole for it.
Speaker 6: So now it's like, well, let me just do what
Speaker 6: she wants me to do, and now you're telling me, well,
Speaker 6: you don't have to do it. It was kind of
Speaker 6: like you called me an asshole for not doing what
Speaker 6: you want or not responding the way you want me
Speaker 6: to respond. But now I think I'm trying to respond
Speaker 6: and I was confused. I was like, what did I do?
Speaker 6: I was like, I wasn't really focused on putting it together.
Speaker 6: I was more thinking like what did I do? Like?
Speaker 1: What did I do?
Speaker 6: And that's why I asked Matt, And ultimately I asked
Speaker 6: Matt to run the tape back, which is a good
Speaker 6: thing about having filmed hey. And then once I watched it,
Speaker 6: I was like, man, like, I didn't realize you had
Speaker 6: said all of those things. And I saiday am, I bad,
Speaker 6: Like I don't want you to feel bad, but I
Speaker 6: see how I can see how you felt dismissed. Right,
Speaker 6: So I apologized and that time after watching the tape, and.
Speaker 1: It's the good thing. Sometimes it's good to have tape
Speaker 1: back of yourself.
Speaker 3: I wasn't gonna say that.
Speaker 2: Imagine if people argued or had discussions in debates with tape.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't want that.
Speaker 3: Why wouldn't I want that?
Speaker 1: Trust me, you would not want that. You don't you
Speaker 1: don't you really want to know why you wouldn't want that?
Speaker 2: All I said, I didn't say anything about me. I said,
Speaker 2: imagine if people had arguments like you sound triggered because
Speaker 2: you're you're putting it on me. I didn't say anything.
Speaker 2: I just said, imagine if people had arguments with.
Speaker 1: Tape, and I'm saying you wouldn't want that.
Speaker 3: Why is it about me? What about people? What about
Speaker 3: in general?
Speaker 6: Well?
Speaker 3: Why are you making it so personal?
Speaker 1: Because we talking about us? We are?
Speaker 6: Are we not literally talking about us? Are we not
Speaker 6: literally talking about us? Dead ass podcast Court Matt Josh Tripple?
Speaker 6: Are we not talking about us?
Speaker 3: Who are we talking to? I'm just saying, in general,
Speaker 3: wouldn't it be a talking to people about us tapes? Okay,
Speaker 3: go ahead to Beth.
Speaker 6: We are talking to people. We are talking to the
Speaker 6: people about us, right right? My is you don't want
Speaker 6: the tape to be there all the time.
Speaker 2: I didn't say all the time. I'm just saying to
Speaker 2: imagine if there were, and if there were what.
Speaker 6: That cozy part, there's a crazy part.
Speaker 1: You keep saying how I triggered? I am right. You
Speaker 1: called me an asshole the other day.
Speaker 6: Right, All I said was you don't want that, You
Speaker 6: wouldn't want the tape and look at how triggered you got.
Speaker 6: That's my point about the tape. That's my point about
Speaker 6: the tape. Some people can't deal with accountability. Can't deal
Speaker 6: with seeing theyself, and that's my point.
Speaker 2: But we both got a chance to see ourselves. I
Speaker 2: don't have a problem with accountability. I have in the past,
Speaker 2: but I don't have a problem with the accountability now
Speaker 2: do I really?
Speaker 3: Oh? Now we sit and tea over here, y'all, y'all
Speaker 3: in the middle of it Ellis debate.
Speaker 1: This is why we're bringing it to that podcast.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 2: I don't have a problem with the accountability, especially at my
Speaker 2: big age. I think we've gotten past all of that.
Speaker 2: But I'm saying if people did have the opportunity to
Speaker 2: run a tape back the same way we did, they
Speaker 2: probably can then say, damn, I didn't even realize I
Speaker 2: came across like that, Or I don't even realize I
Speaker 2: said that on shit in the heat of the moment,
Speaker 2: moment in the debate, or you know, having emotions flearing,
Speaker 2: I didn't realize I said that, or I delivered it
Speaker 2: that way. That's why I said that people would probably
Speaker 2: not or it would be interesting to see if people
Speaker 2: had tapes to play back after debates.
Speaker 6: Copy I said what I said because between the two
Speaker 6: of us, and since we're debating between the two of us.
Speaker 6: One of us is more logic driven and one of
Speaker 6: us is more emotion driven. The more stopped me when
Speaker 6: I'm telling a lie, The more logic driven person is
Speaker 6: who you right, Typically I said, more logically driven person.
Speaker 6: I'm not always logically driven, right. But with that being said,
Speaker 6: I typically do things based on fat, based on things
Speaker 6: that happened.
Speaker 1: You go based on emotion.
Speaker 6: Typically, when we argue, your thing is deval, I didn't
Speaker 6: say it like that. And if I had a camera
Speaker 6: to show you how many times you said things based
Speaker 6: on the way you responded with your emotion, you'd be like,
Speaker 6: I didn't know that I said it like that. I've
Speaker 6: agree and that's why I said, but that's why I said.
Speaker 6: You wouldn't want to see that that you that would
Speaker 6: trigger you all the time. If every time we got
Speaker 6: to an argument I said stop play the tape, you would.
Speaker 3: Be like, oh, would it trigger me? Or wouldn't allow
Speaker 3: me to say?
Speaker 2: Damn Kitdeen like, maybe you need to make an adjustment
Speaker 2: because you've been doing this and IV I was telling you,
Speaker 2: And clearly, if there's only two people in the room
Speaker 2: during an argument, you all I can.
Speaker 3: Rely on is what you tell me. How I said it,
Speaker 3: or how it made you feel.
Speaker 2: I can't know what actually happened, so it would be helpful,
Speaker 2: and I would like something like that. If we did
Speaker 2: have an argument, you could play a tape back. I
Speaker 2: wouldn't mind that if you want to. You want to
Speaker 2: set a camera up every time we have a debate
Speaker 2: from now on, if you try whatever you want to do,
Speaker 2: we could try and see what it's saying. I'm not
Speaker 2: opposed to it. Well, I'm a big girl. I could
Speaker 2: do with it.
Speaker 1: Whatever.
Speaker 6: Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to do.
Speaker 2: Back to the story at hand, Back to the should
Speaker 2: we go to the facts and stats? Because I don't
Speaker 2: know Trippa was able to find facts and stats out
Speaker 2: of this whole.
Speaker 3: Debacle that happened with us the other day.
Speaker 2: What Ultimately, I just wanted to love on my man
Speaker 2: and give him a moment, and I know you just
Speaker 2: want to deliver a great audition, and in both of
Speaker 2: our hearts, I think we're in the right place ultimately
Speaker 2: when we deciphered and broke down everything.
Speaker 1: No, yeah, I just that's you do a lot of.
Speaker 3: Tea sipping over here, So I'm not sure. I just
Speaker 3: wasn't sure if you.
Speaker 1: Were I'm just sipping my tea because it's here in
Speaker 1: this tea.
Speaker 3: Like okay, just making sure you don't want to.
Speaker 1: You don't want me to sit my tea no more.
Speaker 1: I won't sit my tea.
Speaker 6: No money either, Tell me what else you don't want
Speaker 6: me to do, and write down the responses you want
Speaker 6: me to have to the things you want to have.
Speaker 2: I sitting next to you in this moment, I just
Speaker 2: want to make sure that you are okay, babe.
Speaker 3: So when I see you sipping your tea doesn't.
Speaker 1: Mean you need more tea.
Speaker 3: You can't sip your tea to make sure.
Speaker 1: It'll cause no more fights today.
Speaker 3: I just want to make sure that you're okay. I'm
Speaker 3: fine this moment.
Speaker 1: I'm fine.
Speaker 3: Do you need to reaup on some tea?
Speaker 6: No, because I don't want to accidentally sip it and
Speaker 6: cause any problems. So I'm just gonna not set my tea.
Speaker 6: I'll just be partched while I'm here, I'll be parted.
Speaker 2: I don't want you to be parched. So Triple was
Speaker 2: able to come up with the facts and stats. Let's
Speaker 2: see what they have to say here.
Speaker 6: The risk we haven't even finished how we we haven't
Speaker 6: even finished telling everybody how we got to a resolution.
Speaker 1: Oh right, right.
Speaker 2: I think I was trying to say that ultimately my
Speaker 2: heart was in the right place. You delivered a great audition,
Speaker 2: But how do we get to the audio? Yeah, tell
Speaker 2: them how we were able to hash things out after
Speaker 2: all of that. So we left you off where you
Speaker 2: fumbling and bumbling taking things out of the boxes. Me saying, Babe,
Speaker 2: you really don't have to assemble this right now. I
Speaker 2: don't want to take you out of your mindset that
Speaker 2: you're in for these characters. Brian is on the floor
Speaker 2: laughing yes, yes. Matt is standing there like, I don't
Speaker 2: know if I should record this or not. It was
Speaker 2: just very, very awkward in that moment.
Speaker 6: And then I asked I was I was like, yo, Matt,
Speaker 6: can you, like, like seriously, can you tell me what
Speaker 6: I did? And then I asked my saying, let me
Speaker 6: just see the tape. After watching the tape, I apologized
Speaker 6: to Kay for not responding in the way that she
Speaker 6: deemed to be a acceptable in the moment and making
Speaker 6: her feel small. I apologize for that, and then I
Speaker 6: proceeded to give you a hug and then listen to
Speaker 6: you tell me what the whole purpose behind that was,
Speaker 6: and then we were able to squash it. But the
Speaker 6: biggest thing was being able to put everything aside and
Speaker 6: say I see fault in myself and apologizing, which I'm
Speaker 6: just putting out there and want to cause a fight.
Speaker 1: I did first. You did not apologize for calling me
Speaker 1: an asshole. First.
Speaker 6: I apologize first for saying that I might have dismissed you.
Speaker 6: And then you apologize for calling me an asshole, and
Speaker 6: you said asshole might not have been the word.
Speaker 2: Yes, does it matter who did what first? Because we
Speaker 2: were in there adults me.
Speaker 1: If it don't matter to you, it doesn't matter me, okay.
Speaker 2: Because I mean we were trying to at that point
Speaker 2: talk things out and figure out what went wrong in
Speaker 2: that moment.
Speaker 6: So I will say I will say that I think
Speaker 6: that it is important to note that I did ask
Speaker 6: to see the tape and was willing to apologize without
Speaker 6: being prompted by anyone.
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, that matters because a lot of people,
Speaker 1: when they have arguments, no one is willing.
Speaker 6: To be first, to be first, yeah, or to be
Speaker 6: I will say on that ass podcast, And I am
Speaker 6: always willing to be first because I don't like there
Speaker 6: to be any conflict.
Speaker 1: I want there to be resolution.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah.
Speaker 6: And the reason why I think that's important is because
Speaker 6: I feel like I always proclaim that I am the
Speaker 6: leader of this house. I proclaim that as the leader
Speaker 6: of the house, at most times, you have to be
Speaker 6: willing to apologize first, even if you don't think you
Speaker 6: did anything wrong. If you can find fault in what
Speaker 6: you did and may have made your partner feel a way,
Speaker 6: it is your responsibility to apologize first. I don't think
Speaker 6: it should be well, I did it last time, you
Speaker 6: did it next time. It's just if you proclaim to
Speaker 6: be the leader, whether you're a man or a woman,
Speaker 6: there is a responsibility that comes with that, and that
Speaker 6: responsibility means you have to be accountable for what you did,
Speaker 6: even if you don't think what you did warranted the
Speaker 6: response from your partner. And I just want to put
Speaker 6: that out there because some people will say, well, she
Speaker 6: called you an asshole and you didn't know, so she
Speaker 6: was wrong. To me, it didn't matter who I felt
Speaker 6: was wrong. I just knew that I want into a
Speaker 6: potest for what I did wrong. And that's how I
Speaker 6: feel like we're able to get to resolutions because like
Speaker 6: you said, it doesn't matter who does what first.
Speaker 1: Somebody has to take the first step.
Speaker 2: Right, and thank you for just even teaching me how
Speaker 2: to do that right, to be accountable, to have the discussions,
Speaker 2: to talk about it, to be the first to say something,
Speaker 2: because I didn't come from that, and it took a
Speaker 2: long time for me to get to the place where
Speaker 2: I am where I can just see, for example, something
Speaker 2: may be wrong with you come something completely unrelated to
Speaker 2: this topic, but I can see, okay, something's off with
Speaker 2: de Val and what do I do now, I'll be
Speaker 2: in your face. I wanted to talk about it and
Speaker 2: wanted to find out what's wrong in the moment because
Speaker 2: I don't want things to linger into fester. And the
Speaker 2: overarching topic here I think that we could take away
Speaker 2: from this is that there was clearly a riff.
Speaker 3: There was clearly a beef.
Speaker 2: Both feelings were hurt in that moment, for me calling
Speaker 2: him asshole, for me feeling like he didn't receive my
Speaker 2: surprise the way I intended for it to be received.
Speaker 2: And then it could have been a thing where we
Speaker 2: both just like in the past, we joke about it.
Speaker 2: But in the past, Deval would have sent Brian Home
Speaker 2: and Matt and been like, fuck these auditions and we'd
Speaker 2: have been in a fight for the night yep, Like
Speaker 2: years ago that would have been us Like it would
Speaker 2: have played out so many different ways, but the way
Speaker 2: it did in that moment, we literally watched.
Speaker 1: It in that moment maturity.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then Deval was able to deliver stellar Stellar
Speaker 2: auditions for two different roles, one show, one film. I'm
Speaker 2: so excited for you, ultimately, that's that's all. And you
Speaker 2: look beautiful against that background that you got.
Speaker 1: Don't don't forget that part you got it? What why
Speaker 1: do you look at me like that?
Speaker 3: You look beautiful against that background.
Speaker 2: And I'm just hoping that that will bring you some
Speaker 2: good luck and some good energy as you go into it.
Speaker 6: Will it will, because when you manifest things, things come
Speaker 6: out well.
Speaker 3: And you work for it.
Speaker 2: Fact, since that's the risk of miscommunication is higher with
Speaker 2: your spouse than it is with a stranger.
Speaker 3: It's interesting.
Speaker 6: I think that's the fact because we communicate the most,
Speaker 6: Like if that's a stranger, I don't got to talk
Speaker 6: to you, and if you say something that I don't like,
Speaker 6: I could just walk away.
Speaker 1: Your spouse I got to see you every day.
Speaker 6: So even if we have a miscommunication, now, I gotta
Speaker 6: see you tomorrow.
Speaker 1: I got to see you later on in the day.
Speaker 1: There's no getting away from it.
Speaker 2: Absolutely miscommunication can occur when one person is emotional and
Speaker 2: the other person is left to interpret those emotions.
Speaker 3: I tend to be the more emotional one go figure.
Speaker 6: And I tend to have to interpret these emotions and
Speaker 6: handle them with silk gloves.
Speaker 3: Now, I'm a big girl. You don't got to do
Speaker 3: all that. No more, ask for clarity. Are you serious?
Speaker 3: I'm very serious. Do you feel like you gotta handle
Speaker 3: me with a silk glove? I'm a thug de val.
Speaker 1: I can't even to sit my tea because if I
Speaker 1: sit my tea, then I'm gonna get it. Ques it
Speaker 1: being triggered for simple tea.
Speaker 3: Don't talk about it. Say what it is. We hear.
Speaker 1: I do feel like I got to handle you with
Speaker 1: silk gloves. I do.
Speaker 6: That's a perfect situation. I'm going into something that I'm
Speaker 6: super focused on it. Because I didn't respond the way
Speaker 6: you wanted me to respond, I get called an asshole
Speaker 6: that don't seem a little crazy to you.
Speaker 1: And then even though I get called an asshole.
Speaker 6: I have to apologize first for you didn't open up
Speaker 6: and be like, maybe I could do it a different time.
Speaker 6: That don't seem a little crazy. Think just think about
Speaker 6: it for a minute. You know how focused I am.
Speaker 6: You know how I have to become a different character.
Speaker 6: You know, I didn't mean no harm. But still I
Speaker 6: get called an asshole, and then I still apologize first.
Speaker 1: That don't seem crazy.
Speaker 3: That's amazing. He wins, y'all, he wins.
Speaker 6: No, it's not about Judge. I'm asking you a serious
Speaker 6: I'm asking you a serious question. I don't even give
Speaker 6: a fuck about the these stat facts, the stats. I'm
Speaker 6: asking you a serious question. When you sit back and
Speaker 6: think about that whole thing, you don't realize that damn Like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 6: he just didn't you know, I didn't do it on purpose.
Speaker 2: Of course, that's what we hashed out after the fact.
Speaker 2: I'm saying in the moment, of course I was being emotional.
Speaker 6: But that's what I'm saying about handling. You were so gloves.
Speaker 6: I know that you're a more emotional person. Hey, And
Speaker 6: what I'm saying is is that since I know that,
Speaker 6: I have to make sure that I handle you delicately.
Speaker 3: I understand that.
Speaker 2: And typically in a situation like that, right, you probably
Speaker 2: wouldn't have even responded the way you responded because you
Speaker 2: just your head wasn't in the right place. Right unbeknownst
Speaker 2: to me, you probably on a day to day basis,
Speaker 2: whenever we do have a debate or a discussion or
Speaker 2: whatever you want to call it, you probably approached me
Speaker 2: with a level of delicacy that I don't even.
Speaker 1: Know that you use's And that's what I was saying.
Speaker 3: Okay, so that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Now that we're talking about it, I can see, all right,
Speaker 2: So maybe I do need to be handled with silk
Speaker 2: gloves and I don't even realize that. And the moment
Speaker 2: when you didn't necessarily handle me that way, that's what
Speaker 2: what happened. Yes, so that's a moment of revelation for it.
Speaker 6: But that's what I'm saying, is like, even in a relationship,
Speaker 6: one person is more emotional than the other, if I
Speaker 6: know that.
Speaker 1: It's my responsibility to handle you more delicately, not say,
Speaker 1: well I'm not as emotional, I'm gonna handle you how
Speaker 1: I'm handled. No, this is how you have to handle
Speaker 1: someone who's more emotional. My point is is that understanding
Speaker 1: that your partner is different and that your partner may
Speaker 1: handle things differently, requires that if you want to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship with that person, you learn how to
Speaker 1: handle that person in a way that works for both
Speaker 1: of you.
Speaker 6: Rather than saying everything has to be split evenly. If
Speaker 6: you talk to me like this I talked, that just
Speaker 6: doesn't work. You know what I'm saying. And that's my
Speaker 6: whole point is that, like you just said, here, one
Speaker 6: person is more emotional than the other.
Speaker 1: If we know that, then we have to be able.
Speaker 6: To handle those things and understand that that's what our
Speaker 6: reality is, not try to change that person into a
Speaker 6: less emotional person.
Speaker 1: I you know what I'm saying, I get it.
Speaker 3: I mean there's tact with the way we approach each other.
Speaker 2: You don't think that you're emotional most of the time,
Speaker 2: but there's attacked and a level of sensitivity and approach
Speaker 2: that I take when I approach you about certainly, I'm
Speaker 2: pretty and you may not even think that, you may
Speaker 2: think it's it's not. I'm pretty sure, but in my mind,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I have to approach the voalt in this
Speaker 2: way so that it doesn't sound like I'm being insensitive
Speaker 2: or I'm attacking. I'm pretty so yeah, we both do it,
Speaker 2: I think to an extent, but me being the more
Speaker 2: emotional one, which we admit, I completely get what this
Speaker 2: statement is saying.
Speaker 3: Okay, got it.
Speaker 2: Next that ask for clarity if you're not sure about
Speaker 2: the intent behind someone's words.
Speaker 3: That's exactly what we did.
Speaker 2: If I ran the tape back in this instant because
Speaker 2: he wasn't quite sure what, I call him an asshole
Speaker 2: and we were able.
Speaker 1: To question about point something out to you, why you
Speaker 1: was going to be what?
Speaker 6: You do that too? You realize that that's like a
Speaker 6: like a defense mechanism.
Speaker 3: What's that?
Speaker 6: If I say I have to hold you, handle you
Speaker 6: with delicate clothes because you're emotional, your response isn't like, well,
Speaker 6: that's true, I am more emotional.
Speaker 1: You're poscious. Well, you're emotional too. Do you not realize that.
Speaker 3: I've definitely just said that You're right, I am the
Speaker 3: emotional one.
Speaker 1: But then your response to that is to be like, well,
Speaker 1: I do that for you too.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying unbeknownst to the other party, we many
Speaker 2: not even know how we approach the other because we
Speaker 2: feel like they need that. Like you're saying that you
Speaker 2: don't announce me, Kadin, You're the most emotional one, So
Speaker 2: I'm going to approach you this way. I'm saying, I
Speaker 2: can agree with you because I do the same thing
Speaker 2: on my end for the sake of the discussion.
Speaker 3: Is what I'm saying, but.
Speaker 1: Base but based on arguments and debates.
Speaker 6: If I say that I do this to you because
Speaker 6: you're this way, and you say I do this to you,
Speaker 6: that's in a way negating my statement by saying, well,
Speaker 6: I do the same thing for you.
Speaker 3: I'm not negating it ilways agreeing with you.
Speaker 1: No, but based on okay, in debates.
Speaker 2: But I never debated other than with you. I didn't
Speaker 2: do debate team or anything like that. But you can
Speaker 2: probably educate me on it.
Speaker 1: There's a way.
Speaker 6: There's a way to debate, right by a debate. I
Speaker 6: forgot the exact term. But if I say a point
Speaker 6: by saying I prove that you're more emotional by handling
Speaker 6: you this way, and then you say, well, you do
Speaker 6: the same thing, what that does is negate my point
Speaker 6: because what I'm saying is I only have to do
Speaker 6: that for you.
Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying to me.
Speaker 2: It's not about a point and who made the point.
Speaker 2: The fact of the matter is that we're having a
Speaker 2: discussion about the both of us. It's not a debate
Speaker 2: to see who's right or who wins right.
Speaker 6: But there also has to be a level of accountability,
Speaker 6: and the accountability comes as is. Accountability stops, starts and
Speaker 6: stops with yes, I am this way. That's what it is,
Speaker 6: not yes I am this way. But because then you've
Speaker 6: just taken away anytime you add a butt or you
Speaker 6: say something that's not accepting accountability.
Speaker 2: But what if you say also because I said, I
Speaker 2: also can agree with you that yes, I am the
Speaker 2: emotional one that I have to be handled with the
Speaker 2: glove that I didn't even know that you were handling
Speaker 2: me with. So I'm saying, yes, I agree to that,
Speaker 2: and I'm just like, shoot, as you say that, I
Speaker 2: don't even realize that maybe I approach you the same
Speaker 2: way with a certain level of delicacy that you don't know.
Speaker 2: So I'm not negating anything at all. I'm just agreeing
Speaker 2: with you and saying that yeah, I can see that. No,
Speaker 2: or does does that? I mean, from a debate standpoint,
Speaker 2: does that not make sense.
Speaker 1: No, I mean.
Speaker 6: Is understanding is understanding right, And it's like trying to
Speaker 6: figure out what words work for each partner is exactly
Speaker 6: an exercise and what people are seeing us do now
Speaker 6: trying to understand what we mean by having a civil
Speaker 6: conversation that doesn't resort to any type of hostility or
Speaker 6: volatile acts. Yeah, for sure, you know, from name calling
Speaker 6: to hitting or whatever. It's just let's have a discussion
Speaker 6: about it, which to me, I think is a greater
Speaker 6: exercise than just stating this is what we've done, but
Speaker 6: they actually get a chance to see it's exercising it.
Speaker 2: This is literally how our debates, arguments, discussions. I don't
Speaker 2: know what you want to call it, but this is
Speaker 2: literally how it goes. Like dival and I will sit
Speaker 2: here and just do this and so back and forth,
Speaker 2: and I really genuinely try to understand where you're coming from,
Speaker 2: because I mean, I don't want to repeat the same
Speaker 2: behaviors over and over again. And if I can take
Speaker 2: a pound ability for something I've done wrong, then I'll
Speaker 2: be like, all right, well I did it wrong.
Speaker 3: I don't profess to be perfect.
Speaker 6: Well I've said this before and I'm just sometimes I
Speaker 6: feel like in these conversations, you'd rather defend your point
Speaker 6: more than trying to understand where I'm coming from. And
Speaker 6: I think that's sometimes where couples end up with miscommunications
Speaker 6: or not even miscommunications, but they don't even communicate because
Speaker 6: it's like one partner will be trying to express how
Speaker 6: they feel about something, and then the other partner was
Speaker 6: just waiting for an opportunity to just defend what they're
Speaker 6: saying without even saying, well, you know what, that is true,
Speaker 6: or the partner will just be yeah, that's true, but
Speaker 6: you understand what I'm saying. So when you just say yeah,
Speaker 6: that's true, butt and then you give a response, it's like,
Speaker 6: so you really just want to defend I'm not saying
Speaker 6: you when I'm saying Anyone who speaks in that manner
Speaker 6: just want to defend their point to say this is
Speaker 6: why I did it, rather than saying, well, I realize
Speaker 6: what I did hurt your feelings, or what I did
Speaker 6: or what I'm doing is.
Speaker 1: Being perceived the wrong way. You understand what I'm.
Speaker 3: Saying, understand that.
Speaker 2: But my response to that always is because we battle
Speaker 2: with this, you know, we have battle with this saying
Speaker 2: that you understand and you know, trying to get to
Speaker 2: the bottom of how it made the person feel. Don't
Speaker 2: you then want to understand why I might have acted
Speaker 2: a certain way, or how I might have arrived at
Speaker 2: whatever delivery or whatever I imparted on you to make
Speaker 2: you feel that way. Don't you want to know why?
Speaker 2: Or you just prefer for me to say, I understand
Speaker 2: how you feel. You're warranted for feeling the way you feel.
Speaker 2: I'm taking accountability for it, and that be it.
Speaker 6: I guess it depends on the person. I guess it
Speaker 6: just depends on the person because there is no one
Speaker 6: way to debate, right, There's no one way that it depends
Speaker 6: on the person. So me, for example, when I gave
Speaker 6: my example, my example was I looked at the tape
Speaker 6: and I realized, like, man.
Speaker 1: How she took it.
Speaker 6: She might have felt dismissed. That's my fault, baby coming,
Speaker 6: that's my fault. You might even dismissed, and I didn't
Speaker 6: want you to feel like that. Boom, and I gave
Speaker 6: you a hug and apologize.
Speaker 4: To me.
Speaker 6: That apology feels sincere because I just recognized what I did,
Speaker 6: rather than me saying, yeah, I see how you feel,
Speaker 6: but I did it because this then it kind of
Speaker 6: negates the fact that I apologize.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't see it that way.
Speaker 1: That's why I'm saying it's a difference in on discuss
Speaker 1: That's why.
Speaker 2: We always have an issue every debate because for me,
Speaker 2: it's the damn babe, I watch the tape, I see
Speaker 2: how you could have taken it this way.
Speaker 3: But to be honest, in that moment, my head was just.
Speaker 2: Really in the game and I was not even thinking
Speaker 2: about anything else other than the audition. So if it
Speaker 2: landed the wrong way, it's not because it was intentional,
Speaker 2: it's because of XYZ. Like that's the kind of explanation
Speaker 2: that I like to have because I want to know
Speaker 2: why you made me feel that way, Whereas with you,
Speaker 2: you're just like you made me feel this way and
Speaker 2: that's just it.
Speaker 3: So you have to accept that that's at with me,
Speaker 3: I didn't do that.
Speaker 1: I actually gave you an explanation. I told you why.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying, we're just doing like this like exercise
Speaker 2: in terms of like how people can argue sometimes where
Speaker 2: you're saying that you don't want to hear the butt,
Speaker 2: you just want to hear it, I understand.
Speaker 6: Absolutely, because if you're going to give me apology with me,
Speaker 6: I don't even like apologies.
Speaker 1: The best apologies to me is changed behavior. But if
Speaker 1: you're going to give me.
Speaker 6: An apology, give me an apology and tell me why
Speaker 6: you sorry. Don't give me an apology. Tell me why
Speaker 6: you sorry. But then they try to explain to me
Speaker 6: why I shouldn't feel the way I feel. That to
Speaker 6: me is like it's almost like a slap in the face.
Speaker 6: You know what I'm saying, Like, if I know I
Speaker 6: did something wrong to you and it made you wrong,
Speaker 6: I mean made you feel bad, I don't I don't
Speaker 6: ever in my heart of hearts want to be like, damn, babe,
Speaker 6: you feel bad.
Speaker 1: But I think you acting.
Speaker 6: I think you acted kind of sensitive because I did
Speaker 6: it this way, or I didn't mean to do it, or.
Speaker 2: But you saying that is then negating someone's feelings. It's
Speaker 2: not saying, babe, I didn't intend to do it that way. Really,
Speaker 2: in my heart of hearts, what I was trying to
Speaker 2: do was this, this, that, and the third.
Speaker 3: Then that's just saying.
Speaker 2: I arrived at this location because of these things, not
Speaker 2: saying that you still should feel a certain kind of
Speaker 2: way about it. You still entitled to feel the way
Speaker 2: you want to feel about it, but at least give
Speaker 2: me a background or scenario of how we arrived here,
Speaker 2: so I don't think you were just frivolously out here
Speaker 2: just doing whatever, and then now my feelings are hurt
Speaker 2: and I don't know how we got there.
Speaker 6: No, I understand it's more important for you to explain
Speaker 6: your position so that you don't want it to be
Speaker 6: taken as doing something with malice.
Speaker 1: I get that. I get that. What I'm saying is
Speaker 1: that sometimes when I'm.
Speaker 6: Trying to tell you how I feel and you just
Speaker 6: disregard that, and because you're more concerned with that, it
Speaker 6: makes me feel like you don't feel like you did
Speaker 6: anything wrong, gotcha, because it's.
Speaker 1: Like I'm feeling a way.
Speaker 6: You ask me how I feel, I tell you how
Speaker 6: I feel, and then your first response when I'm telling
Speaker 6: you how I feel is, but I did it like this,
Speaker 6: so I don't think you should feel that way.
Speaker 1: It's like that's not I didn't ask to feel as well.
Speaker 2: I don't say I didn't like this, so then you
Speaker 2: shouldn't feel that way at that portion. I never do
Speaker 2: I just let you know this is why I did that,
Speaker 2: and then we normally hash out how that could have
Speaker 2: made you feel. I don't try to change the way
Speaker 2: you feel. I can't do that. As a person. You're
Speaker 2: entitled to feel the way you feel, regardless of my intent.
Speaker 2: I always want to make sure that you could hear
Speaker 2: like a damn Cadie wasn't just out here willy nearly
Speaker 2: doing whatever to make me feel some kind of way, right,
Speaker 2: she really arrived at this hit in this way. So
Speaker 2: moving forward, I know not to take that approach the
Speaker 2: next time.
Speaker 1: I got you.
Speaker 6: But what I'm saying is is that remember when you
Speaker 6: ask me about the tape and watching the tape. If
Speaker 6: I play the tape back and we're having a conversation
Speaker 6: or discussion about something that happens, you sometimes tend to
Speaker 6: think that you said or did things a certain way
Speaker 6: when you really didn't. For example, most of the time,
Speaker 6: I can't even get my full thought out about what
Speaker 6: I'm feeling before you cut me off and try to
Speaker 6: explain to me. So how could you even apologize for
Speaker 6: how I feel when you haven't even listened to how
Speaker 6: I feel? And then when I say to you, like baby,
Speaker 6: you won't even let me finish you like I did
Speaker 6: let you finish.
Speaker 1: You took a pause.
Speaker 6: I'm like, if there was a tape here to show
Speaker 6: you how many times when I'm trying to tell you
Speaker 6: how I feel, where you're more interested in getting out
Speaker 6: what you think so that you can defend your point,
Speaker 6: you would realize, like, dang, that's why deval ends up
Speaker 6: getting quiet when we have the base and just say
Speaker 6: as all right, that's that's how you feel.
Speaker 1: That's how you feel totally. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: That's and that's what I'm talking about that you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying.
Speaker 6: I learned that I when it comes to debates, I
Speaker 6: tend to be super narrow minded with certain things. And
Speaker 6: it's just like once I get my mind fixated, just
Speaker 6: like with auditions, once I get my mind fixated on
Speaker 6: one thing, that's but you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Once I get my mind fixated on one thing.
Speaker 2: That at one point and I completely get it, and
Speaker 2: I too, Yes, you're right. Sometimes I'm like, oh, but
Speaker 2: I want to just say something to explain if you're
Speaker 2: explaining to me how you feel, and I'm like, damn,
Speaker 2: this is the perfect moment for me to explain how
Speaker 2: I arrived there. I don't come from a debate background
Speaker 2: where I learned how to like register my points in
Speaker 2: my head to then be able to respond. So my
Speaker 2: natural inclination is to want to after you say something
Speaker 2: that may have been misconstrued, I want to go back
Speaker 2: in and say, babe, no, no, no, like that really
Speaker 2: wasn't how I arrived there, or that's not what I meant,
Speaker 2: or this is not the intent.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: That's when I That's the reason why I I think
Speaker 2: you feel like I cut you off a lot, is
Speaker 2: because I don't want to forget points. That's why I
Speaker 2: joked last time I think we met and had a discussion,
Speaker 2: I was like, damn, I need to literally like make
Speaker 2: bullet points as you speak, because then when it's my
Speaker 2: time to speak back, I can't remember everything that you've
Speaker 2: said because you sometimes tend to be long winded with
Speaker 2: your explanations, the same way I know I get long
Speaker 2: winded sometimes too.
Speaker 1: No, I feel you.
Speaker 6: I just the biggest thing is learning to have conversations
Speaker 6: to understand, as opposed to having conversations to win and
Speaker 6: be right.
Speaker 3: You know, you know what I'm saying that's never really
Speaker 3: our no.
Speaker 6: That's how we've been able to make it this far,
Speaker 6: even but even for people to see.
Speaker 1: How you practice having those discussions.
Speaker 6: Right, what I learned today, even in this moment, was
Speaker 6: that it's more important to you that I understand why you.
Speaker 1: Did what you did, to understand that you didn't come
Speaker 1: from malice.
Speaker 6: You know what I'm saying, And for me, it's more
Speaker 6: important for me to just apologize to you, so you
Speaker 6: understand that I recognize your feelings, which is actually kind
Speaker 6: of perfect when you think about it.
Speaker 1: You care about what I feel.
Speaker 6: You know that I'm a logically driven person, so you're
Speaker 6: trying to give me reasons as to why a logical
Speaker 6: reasons as to why you did it. So I don't
Speaker 6: think you come from malice. I know you're an emotional
Speaker 6: purpose person. So I'm trying to make you feel seen
Speaker 6: by saying, you know what, babe, I understand how you feel.
Speaker 1: It is what it is.
Speaker 6: The problem with that is when we're constantly debating with
Speaker 6: each other. You're worried about my feelings, I'm worried about
Speaker 6: your feelings. Sometimes we walk away and neither one of
Speaker 6: us have addressed our own feelings.
Speaker 2: And it happens a lot, and then what's left to
Speaker 2: our own devices to just self sue. Yes, yes, you're
Speaker 2: left to self soothe a lot because we're so invested
Speaker 2: in the other person.
Speaker 3: And that makes sense, It makes perfect sense. I didn't
Speaker 3: even think of it that way, but.
Speaker 6: I didn't think of it until I heard you talk
Speaker 6: just now, and I was like, like, once again just
Speaker 6: trying to actively listen. It really made me realize, like,
Speaker 6: oh snap, Like the reason why she gives me the
Speaker 6: explanation she gives me is because she's trying to logically
Speaker 6: get me to understand that she didn't come from malice, right,
Speaker 6: And then for me, I'm just listening to you because
Speaker 6: I want to hear like I deal with you, like
Speaker 6: I said with silk gloves, I want you in that
Speaker 6: moment to handle me the same way. But you know,
Speaker 6: I'm logically driven, so you like, he's not gonna want
Speaker 6: to be handled delicately.
Speaker 1: He's gonna want to hear what the facts are.
Speaker 2: And that's why sometimes you say at the end of
Speaker 2: like us having an argument or discussion or whatever, like
Speaker 2: you're just like you don't even come over. You don't
Speaker 2: give me a hug you can get me kiss Like
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't even know if that'll that will
Speaker 2: help you in that moment because you're so logically driven.
Speaker 2: For you, it's just like A plus B got an
Speaker 2: equal C, Like because you're so logically driven with a
Speaker 2: lot of things, Like I don't even know how to
Speaker 2: ventit that moment, like without it being awkward, throw emotion
Speaker 2: into it, because really, in the middle of arguments, I
Speaker 2: just want to hug you and just be like five.
Speaker 2: We don't want to fight, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I just want everything to be squashed. But I know
Speaker 2: that that's not gonna That's not you. You're gonna want
Speaker 2: to argue this point to the death until I realize
Speaker 2: this is your point and it doesn't happen that way
Speaker 2: all the time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, now I get it.
Speaker 6: It's just it's a good practice for two different people
Speaker 6: to understand and I even learned in this moment. And
Speaker 6: you know, I think it's a good time to take
Speaker 6: a break because we have to go to listening letters.
Speaker 3: I don't even know if we're gonna get to listen
Speaker 3: to letters today. I feel like this was a whole
Speaker 3: listening let of guys we wrote.
Speaker 1: It was a whole listen letter. This is.
Speaker 2: Let's let's do the Valenkadeens listener letter. That's exactly what
Speaker 2: today say.
Speaker 6: We did our own stuff for a listening letter. But
Speaker 6: we were supposed to take a break. We were, all right,
Speaker 6: so let's let's take a quick break. Let's take a
Speaker 6: quick break. Let's do one listening letter real quick. Going
Speaker 6: to get back to the moment of truth.
Speaker 3: All right, cool, all right, and we're back.
Speaker 2: So even though you got to listen to our long
Speaker 2: listen listening letter, we're gonna do one real quick just
Speaker 2: so we can have Oh what is this one talking about?
Speaker 1: You have the first one or the second one?
Speaker 3: Let's see, Well, the second one is a little short.
Speaker 1: Yeah, second short.
Speaker 2: We'll save that first one for another episode. How about that?
Speaker 2: Go ahead and read it? Do you mind because I'm
Speaker 2: not voice off today.
Speaker 1: What's up? Fam?
Speaker 6: I hope all is well with you guys and the kids.
Speaker 6: I really enjoy watching the vols A team and sisters
Speaker 6: and Kadeen. I really need you back on okkk, what
Speaker 6: we got all dka on the Patreon page. What you mean?
Speaker 1: It's there every week? Hello, we your followers.
Speaker 6: Missusis I've been married for less than a year now,
Speaker 6: and there have been ups and real loads and real
Speaker 6: low downs, and I'm tired, but too embarrassed to call
Speaker 6: it quits. My husband has been unstable with the job
Speaker 6: since we have been together. The house we live in.
Speaker 6: I bought the car he drives. I bought a majority
Speaker 6: of the bills I pay for. I understand hard times,
Speaker 6: but damn every time. We have had issues with infidelity,
Speaker 6: and I have been trying to forgive, but I really
Speaker 6: just don't see the marriage working. Unlike me, he is
Speaker 6: involved in church, and to know after the wedding all
Speaker 6: the people he has slept with and is continuously sleeping
Speaker 6: with his baffling. He has been good at hiding his infidelity,
Speaker 6: but play stupid when confronted. I'm more embarrassed that what
Speaker 6: I say. I'm more embarrassed at what I saw, and
Speaker 6: what my family saw was just all a lie. I
Speaker 6: have recommended counseling, but he shot that I did down.
Speaker 6: I'm tired of being his roommate and want to start
Speaker 6: being his landlord.
Speaker 1: And he victim out helped me out.
Speaker 3: Girl do it.
Speaker 1: That's a lot.
Speaker 3: That's a lot going on somewhere.
Speaker 1: They have kids. She said, they have kids.
Speaker 3: Nope, but they've been married less than a year.
Speaker 1: Now, you know what's given. It's given.
Speaker 6: They got married and she takes care of him, and
Speaker 6: he's comfortable with that, extremely comfortable.
Speaker 3: He's comfortable with that.
Speaker 2: He comes, he goes, he doesn't, he pleases, he wants.
Speaker 6: Yeah, so he gets to just get his bills paid
Speaker 6: for and live there and do what he wants.
Speaker 2: That's what it's given to me. Wild, that's what it's
Speaker 2: given to me. That's wild. And being being concerned about
Speaker 2: being embarrassed, I mean, I know it's hard. It's hard
Speaker 2: sometimes because you do get concerned with you know, what
Speaker 2: other people will think, family and stuff like that. Trust me,
Speaker 2: I came from that. But it girl for you to
Speaker 2: be living in your own house or your own space
Speaker 2: where you're paying all the bills and doing all these
Speaker 2: things and getting cheated on simultaneously.
Speaker 3: I think that's more embarrassing than.
Speaker 6: Then I just about to say staying seems to be
Speaker 6: more embarrassing and actually saying like yo, I'm done, Like
Speaker 6: I'm done with this because right now it doesn't seem
Speaker 6: like she said we have kids and not take care
Speaker 6: of the kids. They got married, all right, so get unmarried, like,
Speaker 6: get a divorce, get a moment, depending on how long
Speaker 6: they've been married, and move on. Like, if you're that unhappy,
Speaker 6: there's no reason to stay, especially if you don't have kids.
Speaker 2: And this is just not the right way to start.
Speaker 2: Like less than a year, y'all should be in like
Speaker 2: is a moment of like wedded bliss. You you know
Speaker 2: what I mean, when you just can't come down from
Speaker 2: the high of being married and now you're on a low.
Speaker 1: Lo that's right, she said, I've been married for less
Speaker 1: than a year now. Yeah, that's tough.
Speaker 2: Don't be embarrassed, girl, You'll be more embarrassed when the
Speaker 2: years go by and time goes on and he's still
Speaker 2: doing more of the same and you're still unhappy. So
Speaker 2: I'm never an advocate for telling people to just go
Speaker 2: ahead and call it quits and not try to work
Speaker 2: on it. But if he's shooting town, I'm counseling and
Speaker 2: won't even be receptive or something like Yeah, with that,
Speaker 2: it doesn't seem like he even has a dog in
Speaker 2: the fight.
Speaker 1: So that's true.
Speaker 6: The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it
Speaker 6: shoos down council means he doesn't want to work, not.
Speaker 2: Invested girl, And one thing that you can't do is
Speaker 2: a one sided, one side of relationship on the side
Speaker 2: of marriage. So hopefully that works out for you. Sis. Yeah,
Speaker 2: this is crazy, crazy, crazy crazy. Well what an episode.
Speaker 2: I feel like we were in a real therapy session today.
Speaker 2: We was, we were, weren't we was? It's just like
Speaker 2: hashing things out on our own. So yeah, thank y'all
Speaker 2: for listening. If you want to be featured as a
Speaker 2: listener letter, be sure to email us at dead Ass
Speaker 2: Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 6: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 6: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, moment of truth time. I don't know what
Speaker 2: we're gonna do. Its gonna be the episode this.
Speaker 1: Is, I know, my moment of truth.
Speaker 2: Well, the description today was when two people trying to
Speaker 2: be of service to one another almost goes.
Speaker 6: I mean that's still just a perfect example though, Like, Yeah,
Speaker 6: I've realized in listening to you speak about this argument,
Speaker 6: which really wasn't even an argument because we squashed it
Speaker 6: to try to get something done and then we talked
Speaker 6: about it, so it was like a discussion. Yeah, I've
Speaker 6: learned that you give me information based on what you
Speaker 6: think I need as a person, and rather than trying
Speaker 6: to be upset at you for how you convey your information,
Speaker 6: I have to just listen to what you're trying to
Speaker 6: say rather than expecting you to say it the way
Speaker 6: I wanted to be said.
Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I understand that, and thank you for that, because I
Speaker 2: feel like a lot of the times, yeah, I feel
Speaker 2: like a lot of the times you just want me
Speaker 2: to argue with your debate with you or say things
Speaker 2: the way you want it to be done, and I'm like.
Speaker 3: It doesn't work like that.
Speaker 2: I can't work like that, and I always feel like
Speaker 2: I end up inadequate in those discussions and debates that
Speaker 2: we have because I'm just like, man, i feel like
Speaker 2: I'm over here with debate team captain and I can't
Speaker 2: find a way to even get my footing because I
Speaker 2: have worked for so many years to try to meet
Speaker 2: you when it came to communication or when it comes
Speaker 2: to communication and how to express myself, and sometimes that
Speaker 2: puts me back.
Speaker 3: In my shell a little bit. So thanks for that
Speaker 3: moment of truth.
Speaker 1: It's definitely helpful.
Speaker 2: A moment of truth for me, Well, first off, name
Speaker 2: calling is never okay, And I think the biggest overarching
Speaker 2: thing for me is trying to not let my emotions
Speaker 2: take over in the moments where I really could be logical,
Speaker 2: because a lot of times you do have great points
Speaker 2: whenever you are trying to tell me how you feel
Speaker 2: or just trying to assess a situation, you really do,
Speaker 2: like logically make sense with a lot of things, and
Speaker 2: sometimes it's hard for me to swallow. So continuing to
Speaker 2: make sure that I take accountability and not try to
Speaker 2: talk you out of feeling the way you feel. If
Speaker 2: that's how you felt I've handled things, I want to
Speaker 2: make sure that moving forward, I'm really acknowledging how you
Speaker 2: feel in that moment and moving forward.
Speaker 3: So all right, right, y'all.
Speaker 2: Be sure to follow us on Patreon if you have
Speaker 2: not been yet, for exclusive dead Ass Podcast video content,
Speaker 2: and you can find us on social media Kadeen, I
Speaker 2: am dead Ass the podcast.
Speaker 1: And I am Devout.
Speaker 6: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 6: review and subscribe. Makeup, make sure you pick up that
Speaker 6: copy of Wheel for Me, The Counterintuitive approach to getting
Speaker 6: everything you want out of your relationship and also get
Speaker 6: them tickets to dead Ass Podcast Live show Love against
Speaker 6: the World, Baby dead Ass.
Speaker 2: This giving after today, we need a part two to
Speaker 2: the book. We're still learning, y'all, We're still learning dead Ass.
Speaker 4: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
Speaker 4: it's produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 4: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never
Speaker 4: miss a Thing.