1 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,880 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm not gonna stephanely 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:19,319 Speaker 1: never told your protection of iHeart Radio. Okay, Anny, for 3 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:23,520 Speaker 1: today's episode, I have a pretty big generic question, but 4 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:27,680 Speaker 1: you know, we'll see how well you do. So, on average, 5 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: how often do you think you've actually said no or 6 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: declined a request in your adult life? On average? On average? 7 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 1: I think it's shifted recently because the pandemic, but before 8 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:51,240 Speaker 1: that not often often at all. And even now, like 9 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 1: during the pandemic, I'm still pretty bad. But I have 10 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: gotten better because I have a pretty good reason. Um. 11 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:02,160 Speaker 1: I have a friend, a good friend of ours, once 12 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,919 Speaker 1: told me like, you don't have to even respond because 13 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: the non response equals no, And I was like, but 14 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:10,319 Speaker 1: that's so rude. So I can't even do that. I 15 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: have to say yes or no. That's my co to. 16 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,600 Speaker 1: It's just to not respond. Not now, I know, I 17 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,520 Speaker 1: pretend like I'm not there. I'm like, I don't I 18 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,399 Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know what's happening. Oh no, And 19 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: then like the next day you're like, oh, I'm sorry, 20 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: it's so sorry. I just kidding. If I if I 21 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,600 Speaker 1: know you well know that I can say no to you. Like, 22 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: if you can handle a note, then I say no. 23 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,680 Speaker 1: But if you people have had people who like pressure 24 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,119 Speaker 1: me and talk you into it and won't take that, 25 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 1: so I just don't respond sometimes. Yeah, if I say 26 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,960 Speaker 1: no and then you're trying to convince me, now during 27 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: the pandemic, I will say, then I just won't respond anymore. 28 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: But before then I could be convinced, I could be 29 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: easily convinced. Yeah, yeah, And you know what, You're not 30 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 1: the only one. And we're gonna talk a little bit 31 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,080 Speaker 1: about all of that, including the fact that we do 32 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: need to perspect other people's nose, which is sometimes hard 33 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 1: for me. I'm one of those people, like I really 34 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 1: feel like I can't read sometimes whether you're saying no 35 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:13,280 Speaker 1: just because you feel like you can't do it versus 36 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,200 Speaker 1: you actually don't want to do it like that, those 37 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 1: are the two differences. But you know, with all the 38 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,400 Speaker 1: everyday stress, there's been a lot thrown at us recently, 39 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 1: and it seems like so much, so much in the 40 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: past few years, and for some of us we have 41 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 1: really grown into setting some boundaries again, like I just 42 00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:36,079 Speaker 1: may not respond to you, and you have done really 43 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,240 Speaker 1: well because you've decided that you actually like you're alone time, 44 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 1: maybe a little too much sometimes, but for others it's 45 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 1: actually gotten worse, especially when it comes to people trying 46 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,880 Speaker 1: to change the state of the world. There's been so 47 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: much that's happening, and there's been so much, honestly just 48 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 1: scary moments where we're like everything is about to be 49 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,120 Speaker 1: the worst. So to that end, we feel like we 50 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,240 Speaker 1: have to do even more and definitely can't slow down. 51 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 1: But there's no denying setting of boundaries is at a 52 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 1: nactual talent um, and there's some who are really good 53 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:17,520 Speaker 1: at it and then some we're not. We're still learning, right, 54 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,600 Speaker 1: And of course we had to take a minute and 55 00:03:19,639 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: research if there was a difference based on gender. And 56 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:26,000 Speaker 1: again so just to note a lot of the studies, 57 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,920 Speaker 1: though some more recent, are typically done from assist hetero perspective, 58 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,720 Speaker 1: so it's not as intersectional when it comes to like 59 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: the queer community or any of that. So again, we 60 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 1: would like, we would like that to be not so 61 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 1: much as the case, but unfortunately we can't always get that. 62 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: But again, this is information that is good to know 63 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 1: on a personal level, and we are going to hit 64 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: the intersectional marks. We are going to talk about when 65 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,880 Speaker 1: it comes to the bipod community as well, but just 66 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: for the perspective, it is on a very personal level, 67 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 1: so very individualistic, I guess, yeah, yeah, And I know 68 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 1: we're going to discuss this later, but I feel like 69 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: this is one of those topics that often gets wrapped 70 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 1: up and sort of the like catchy, very heteronormative magazine 71 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: titles that are like, here's how you set boundaries with 72 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 1: your men, And there's so many of those, like we 73 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,240 Speaker 1: had to we throw all of the Cosmo articles, which 74 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: is there's nothing wrong with that if they are evidence based, 75 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,640 Speaker 1: you do you, but you know to the point that like, 76 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,800 Speaker 1: this is not what we're looking at necessarily to better 77 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:34,000 Speaker 1: to boundaries to catch a man, right right, Yeah about that, 78 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:38,040 Speaker 1: But we better get into this first, all right, and 79 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: let's get started with the definition. According to Miriam Webster, 80 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,920 Speaker 1: boundaries are defined as something that indicates or fixes a 81 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,560 Speaker 1: limit or extent. But a better definition of what we're 82 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: talking about is boundaries as quote an expression of inner authority. 83 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 1: And that's according to Bethany Webster dot com. And it 84 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 1: continues saying boundaries are a function of how much you 85 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 1: are in tune with yourself, how much value yourself and 86 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,040 Speaker 1: where and with whom you choose to invest your energy. 87 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 1: Boundaries are often a battle people choose to not take 88 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 1: on easier to please people, rather than dealing with the 89 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: conflict of saying no. Or it could be what author 90 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,360 Speaker 1: Dr Kristen Lee of Psychology Today rights quote, it signifies 91 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,239 Speaker 1: a deeper value set. If you're the type that always 92 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 1: wants to be there for people you care about, it's 93 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 1: because you value relationships. If you're the one at work 94 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 1: who says yes to every project, it reflects how much 95 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: you value learning. But when we only say yes, we 96 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: might be missing chances to invest your time and energy 97 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,719 Speaker 1: in ways that help us take our values and goals 98 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 1: to new levels. And it can affect women and those 99 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,880 Speaker 1: in marginalized communities differently, right, And we're gonna talk a 100 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,279 Speaker 1: little bit about that in a minute. But first, here's 101 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,560 Speaker 1: some reasons why people may not stick to boundaries, and 102 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:53,159 Speaker 1: it includes perfectionism kind of what we're talking about, not 103 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: want to let anyone down, or wanting to be seen 104 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: as the person who can do everything in anything. And yes, 105 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 1: I don't want people to see me being weak. So 106 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,479 Speaker 1: therefore like, yeah, of course I know how to do 107 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 1: that what what does that mean? You know? Uh, Then 108 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,680 Speaker 1: there's fomo, or the fear of missing out. I don't 109 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,920 Speaker 1: want to be left out. What if you miss something 110 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,520 Speaker 1: or you get excluded the next time around, which was 111 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,800 Speaker 1: a big fear as an introvert. I'm like, oh, no, 112 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,880 Speaker 1: I don't want to go out, but they're gonna not 113 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,360 Speaker 1: invite me anymore, and that's even worse. But on top 114 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 1: of yes, there I have friends who absolutely will not 115 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 1: say no because they're afraid they're gonna miss out on 116 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,360 Speaker 1: something significant and then they're gonna miss out on the 117 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:39,240 Speaker 1: conversations later to come that you do you are? Do 118 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,479 Speaker 1: you have fomo? I do have fomo. I think we've 119 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 1: talked about this before. I have both fomo. But also 120 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 1: like I'm I'm a queen of avoidance, and going out 121 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,080 Speaker 1: or doing something is the best way for me. Not 122 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 1: not in a good way and not in a healthy way, 123 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,039 Speaker 1: but the best way for me to continue my unhealthy 124 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,280 Speaker 1: habit of a it whatever it is. So they kind 125 00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:06,240 Speaker 1: of both come together in a real un natural way. 126 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 1: It's not good. Yes, I know a lot of people 127 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: who do that because being alone meis you have to 128 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 1: think about things, you know, Uh, maybe it's based on 129 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 1: your personality. You know what I'm talking about? Are you 130 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: and I n f J. Well, maybe you have a 131 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,240 Speaker 1: hard time in settling limits, or if you're an I 132 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: n f P, you are the example we need to 133 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: look toward as someone who does, who is good at 134 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,640 Speaker 1: setting boundaries, and that they try to force you into 135 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: something you're like, nah, I'm good, I'm good. So there's 136 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 1: this whole article if you want to go look at it. 137 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: It's at personality growth dot com titled how each personality 138 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,920 Speaker 1: type handles boundaries and yeah, if you want to know, 139 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: and if you know your Myers Briggs personality type, this 140 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 1: may tell you what kind of boundaries or lack of 141 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:57,480 Speaker 1: boundaries you have, just so you know, or perhaps not 142 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,280 Speaker 1: being able to differentiate between the emotion of a no 143 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 1: because you feel like you're rejecting someone or turning someone 144 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: down or they're rejecting new and the rationality of knowing 145 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,960 Speaker 1: your limits. So a k A. You're the people please 146 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: are the same kind of perspective of being the perfectionists, 147 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 1: but you are scared to tell them no because that 148 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 1: means they feel rejected and you of course have to 149 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,560 Speaker 1: spare their feelings and you can't say no, and say 150 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,960 Speaker 1: no means it hurts their feelings, which is not typically true, 151 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: although sometimes people do feel that way because I feel 152 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 1: like that a lot, because I and have a fear 153 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,959 Speaker 1: of rejection. That's a whole different conversation. Of course, that 154 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,719 Speaker 1: could be more than just these reasons, and there are, 155 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 1: but we just wanted to give kind of a few 156 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: examples of why this could be a problem. But let's 157 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 1: talk about the deeper meanings yes according to one setting. 158 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 1: When it comes to setting boundaries, oftentimes those who are 159 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 1: perceived as less powerful have a harder time in setting them. 160 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 1: In a nineteen article in The Swaddle titled how Society 161 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 1: makes it Difficult for Women at minority to set emotional boundaries, 162 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 1: sot up Venda talks about the difficulties of women and 163 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 1: marginalized communities saying no. They write setting boundaries as to 164 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,840 Speaker 1: where the self ends and where other people begin. Navigating 165 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,680 Speaker 1: relationships with this bounce in mind and saying no when 166 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: necessary is a difficult task, especially for women and people 167 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: from marginalized communities. Uh They continue on about the difference 168 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: due to culture, gender, and societal expectations and how these 169 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: differences can lead to different levels of philosophy when it 170 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: comes to individualism and collectivism and how that can impact 171 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,840 Speaker 1: a person's boundaries. For example, when it comes to family, 172 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 1: different cultures would dictate absolute loyalty to the detriment of 173 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: an individual and would have a harder time in setting 174 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 1: limits because of that. Right and related to that is 175 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 1: a concept known as quote differentiation of self, which was 176 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 1: originated by family therapist Murray Bowen. It is described as 177 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,680 Speaker 1: a quote a level of the differentiation of self, first 178 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 1: to the degree to which a person can think and 179 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,960 Speaker 1: act for self while in contact with emotionally charged issues. 180 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 1: It also refers to the degree which a person can 181 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 1: discern between thoughts and feelings, kind of like how we're 182 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: talking about the people pleaser. At higher levels of differentiation, 183 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 1: people maintain separate solid cells under considerable stress and anxiety, 184 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 1: they manage their own reactivity and choose thoughtful actions. At 185 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: lower levels of differentiation, people depend on others to function, 186 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:28,200 Speaker 1: and they develop significant symptoms under stress. They act often 187 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:32,840 Speaker 1: destructfully based on anxious reactions to the environment. Their intellectual 188 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,040 Speaker 1: reasonings uses with emotionality. Even highly intelligent people can be 189 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 1: poorly differentiated. So what they are talking about is this 190 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 1: level of having the emotions being disconnected to the reality. 191 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:50,199 Speaker 1: And we know that women kind of have been targeted 192 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,439 Speaker 1: that way, being told you are the nurture the caregiver, 193 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 1: so you should care and you should feel these ways. 194 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,200 Speaker 1: And we also know that men are told don't that 195 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,720 Speaker 1: is not mainly feeling feelings is not good. So it 196 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,480 Speaker 1: kind of has this abuse of power and this differentiation 197 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 1: can really impact how you set those boundaries. And for women, well, 198 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: again it's complicated. Doctor Tamiko Let explains in one article 199 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 1: in the Zoe report dot com quote, in my opinion, 200 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,959 Speaker 1: when women say quote I need help or I need 201 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,640 Speaker 1: a break, we are viewed as a weak or not 202 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: as competent as our male counterparts, despite not taking care 203 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 1: of ourselves, which can result in mental health issues such 204 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 1: as anxiety or depression. Women are also seen as liabilities, 205 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,520 Speaker 1: and again we know the implications of being seen as vulnerable. 206 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,720 Speaker 1: This is a feminine quality, and this is kind of 207 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,920 Speaker 1: how it's attributed to weaknesses, especially when it comes to 208 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: positions of authority. Again, this whole level of that that 209 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:49,560 Speaker 1: nurture nature, the gendered ideas of emotions and and why 210 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: that is so harmful at youth again, this impacts how 211 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,040 Speaker 1: we set boundaries and whether or not we can set 212 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,680 Speaker 1: those boundaries. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I think the 213 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,480 Speaker 1: Socialization Act as but that is very very important. And 214 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 1: I know for me, like because of some of the 215 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: trauma in my past, I don't even if I want 216 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,679 Speaker 1: to say no, I don't say it at first because 217 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 1: it's the safety. It feels like, oh, my city, he's 218 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:17,720 Speaker 1: gonna get mad, especially a man involved. Yeah. And and 219 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,600 Speaker 1: so for me, like this kind of almost separation of emotions. 220 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,360 Speaker 1: It's like I feel the emotion and then I shut 221 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 1: it down and just say like yeah, yeah, like bubbly, bubbly, yes, right, 222 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 1: And then later I'm like, oh god, um. And honestly, 223 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: we're going to talk later on about how to set boundaries. 224 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 1: But so many of these articles that are referring to 225 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,880 Speaker 1: women trying to set boundaries teach them how to do 226 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:43,200 Speaker 1: it kindly because it is dating. But again we'll come 227 00:12:43,200 --> 00:13:00,160 Speaker 1: back to that. Yeah, alright, therapist Emily party Way, He's 228 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,120 Speaker 1: in on the same article saying boundary setting. Phrases like 229 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,080 Speaker 1: those mentioned above can also sometimes be interpreted as anti 230 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,920 Speaker 1: feminist in a society where women have fought so hard 231 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 1: to gain quality and opportunity. It could be seen as 232 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:14,119 Speaker 1: a step in the wrong direction when a woman acknowledges 233 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: healthy boundaries and limitations. It's ironic, truly, when the most 234 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 1: feminist thing you can do is know yourself well and 235 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:24,240 Speaker 1: stand up for your knees, which feels like a damned 236 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,679 Speaker 1: if you do and damned if you don't situation. And also, yeah, like, 237 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: like we talked about in Glenn and Doyle's book, the 238 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: whole idea that women have been taught like selflessness is 239 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:37,240 Speaker 1: such a good thing that's of value, right, Yeah, setting 240 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 1: your boundaries feels like being selfish, right right, and and 241 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:46,120 Speaker 1: being able to say no is such a power trip. 242 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:51,440 Speaker 1: So therefore again not female enough, are feminine enough, and 243 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 1: so therefore all these things. But then again she say 244 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,880 Speaker 1: that it can also look like it's anti feminist, not 245 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,800 Speaker 1: taking on everything to show that you can take on everything, 246 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 1: which is ironic in itself. Yep. Uh. So now we're 247 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: going to talk about masculinity and boundaries because this whole 248 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: thing could be translated as a perception of power or 249 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,120 Speaker 1: supremacy and how it plays in setting boundaries. And yes, 250 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,800 Speaker 1: boundaries are hard to discept for those who are more 251 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:22,640 Speaker 1: likely to be oppressed and marginalized, as Vida says, and 252 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:26,080 Speaker 1: I apologize because I think I added a superfluous in 253 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 1: in my pronunciation earlier, and I hope I'm not butchering 254 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,720 Speaker 1: it in either case. Um. Anyway, they say, those who 255 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 1: have more power in society, like men, build a lot 256 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: of unwritten rules around themselves, and their time is often 257 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: treated as a privilege. These powerful sections also ensure that 258 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 1: the time and effort of others is seen as disposable, 259 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,760 Speaker 1: and thus this means these oppressed sections end up doing 260 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,280 Speaker 1: more of the work and having hardly any emotional and 261 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 1: personal boundaries. Uh and what happens when privilege is rejected 262 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: or limited? They pushed back, as the Bethany Webster dot 263 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 1: com article rights, male fragility has played a role and 264 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:06,040 Speaker 1: that women quote have been conditioned to view our needs 265 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,920 Speaker 1: for boundaries with distrust. Having boundaries, saying no and setting 266 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,720 Speaker 1: one's own limits has long been associated with being difficult, puppetite, 267 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 1: or a bit. Women who set boundaries have been characterized 268 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 1: as being ugly, semin Nazis are man hating and have 269 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,400 Speaker 1: been threatened with violence and death. Right and of course, 270 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,480 Speaker 1: there is an actual other side to this before we 271 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 1: move on, though we do, we want to talk about 272 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,440 Speaker 1: the fact that, yes, this becomes dangerous. And we've talked 273 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:34,920 Speaker 1: about this so often that when we put limits in 274 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: saying no, I'm not interested, and we get pushed back 275 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 1: on there is a dangerous precedent. What can we do 276 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 1: to make sure that we don't get to that place? 277 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,640 Speaker 1: And that is oftentimes, uh, make up an excuse, try 278 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,440 Speaker 1: to be kind, all of those things, uh, and trying 279 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,080 Speaker 1: to get out of the situation because when we do 280 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: set of boundaries, especially like in the dating world, uh, 281 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: it becomes a challenge. Yeah. And on that other side, 282 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about the nice guys as in fact, 283 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 1: we stumbled upon some articles about how nice guys are 284 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 1: asking how to set boundaries with quote flirty women and 285 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: when I say flirty, this is in a negative connotation. 286 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,200 Speaker 1: And y'all we watched these advice videos, so you didn't 287 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 1: have to uh and you shouldn't uh. And it includes 288 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 1: teaching men to put limits and boundaries with quote firmness 289 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: and through grounding. Uh. And according to one video, this 290 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,560 Speaker 1: is the idea of taking from the bottom half of yourself. 291 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: And I'm assuming he's talking literally because he talks about 292 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 1: don't take it from the truest pick from bottomoms like what, 293 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 1: maybe he's talking about his feet. I'm gonna go with that, 294 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:42,240 Speaker 1: and really being planted or fill yourself being planted, and 295 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:47,240 Speaker 1: not quote overreact because if a nice guy overreacts, women 296 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 1: will continue to quote poke adam, which was the phrase 297 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,240 Speaker 1: I was really quid to get a reaction and continually 298 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 1: test those boundaries. Uh. Now it may sound like we're 299 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 1: being sarcastic. The language of this video and articles, especially 300 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: when it comes to the pickup artists who use this 301 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:09,120 Speaker 1: keith reinforcing the idea that women are mere property to conquer. 302 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,879 Speaker 1: Some of the videos we see, I think we're on 303 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,879 Speaker 1: religious based sites, so talking about being a man and 304 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,680 Speaker 1: fearlessly conquering your fears, all of these things. It was 305 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,239 Speaker 1: interesting and they do talk about why they may be 306 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,719 Speaker 1: rejected a little bit. And this article that popped up 307 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,919 Speaker 1: was specifically to the idea of how to deal with 308 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: women who are degrading towards men when flirting. I will 309 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:37,040 Speaker 1: say again this article did try to differentiate with the 310 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,000 Speaker 1: person who was asking the question on whether he was 311 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:43,159 Speaker 1: upset about being rejected or the woman was actually being degrading, 312 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 1: so at least he questions this. But let's be honest, 313 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: when it comes to these conversations, they continue to place 314 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: a woman at a level of being a prize instead 315 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 1: of being a human. So it doesn't really have the 316 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,320 Speaker 1: connotation that this is a conversation with another person, but 317 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:04,240 Speaker 1: about how to kind of uh control them in this 318 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 1: narrative of control the narrative in itself, but there is 319 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: a whole other point to these types of articles uh 320 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 1: misogyny in itself. It teaches men that setting boundaries, respecting 321 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:18,160 Speaker 1: boundaries are a part of a power play. Respecting boundaries 322 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:21,520 Speaker 1: is not manly, and that women want manly men, of course, 323 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,600 Speaker 1: and that only men can set these boundaries because once 324 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 1: again it's based on privilege and power. When we see 325 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:34,159 Speaker 1: it in this context, we know not all men, Okay, 326 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,240 Speaker 1: we know, but the fact teachings like this are still prevalent. 327 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:43,760 Speaker 1: We can't underestimate the level of the need for perceived masculinity, 328 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 1: and to do so can be detrimental for all of 329 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,439 Speaker 1: the marginalized community. And this is why we continue to 330 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:53,120 Speaker 1: talk about it and why we yeah are somewhat dismissive 331 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,920 Speaker 1: of the not all men because it just takes one man. 332 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:59,399 Speaker 1: It's just like that one time for us to underestimate 333 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:06,679 Speaker 1: what these conversations can push to. Yeah, and continuing the 334 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 1: conversation of power and privilege and boundaries, there are many 335 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,639 Speaker 1: examples of why women continue to be unable to set 336 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 1: limits and boundaries. One of the biggest examples is the 337 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 1: backlash of saying no. As we talked about earlier, just 338 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:22,040 Speaker 1: by rejecting someone, a woman maybe putting themselves in danger. 339 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 1: And many have learned throughout their lives our self worth 340 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,000 Speaker 1: is based on the way we can sacrifice ourselves, meaning 341 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 1: in order to show our value, we have to give 342 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:35,159 Speaker 1: up ourselves our happiness for the betterment of others. Another 343 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: great quote, we learned to unconsciously and automatically oppress ourselves 344 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,680 Speaker 1: and other women as a means of survival. We had 345 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 1: to self fragment, disabling our own connection with ourselves to 346 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,600 Speaker 1: some degree and prioritizing external approval in a world that 347 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 1: favors rich white men over everybody else, Right, and Danie 348 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,560 Speaker 1: a little daper When it comes to the bipop community, 349 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:59,399 Speaker 1: the dangers and past trauma is even greater. Black women 350 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,240 Speaker 1: have been the outskirts throughout the centuries when it comes 351 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,120 Speaker 1: to having their boundaries respected, but have been the ones 352 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: to fight the hardest to establish it for the sake 353 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,280 Speaker 1: of the entire community. When the term intersectionality was coined 354 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,919 Speaker 1: by Kimberly Crenshaw, many pushed back because it meant that 355 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 1: those in the hierarchy a k a. White women had 356 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,520 Speaker 1: to admit that their cause was not about equality but 357 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,120 Speaker 1: more about power for themselves. Not too long ago, black 358 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,680 Speaker 1: women drew a line in the sand after being continually 359 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: sidelined or made a token by those who wanted to 360 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,919 Speaker 1: be considered quote allies. In a twenty nineteen article written 361 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,399 Speaker 1: in an injustice mac dot org, one writer says quote 362 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 1: that over familiarity was acceptable for white women to display 363 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 1: towards Black women, and we were meant to simply accept 364 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:46,560 Speaker 1: the faux familial connection while simultaneously remembering our place. And 365 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,200 Speaker 1: they continue in the article, given the history of slavery 366 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,840 Speaker 1: and white women's active, yes active role in subjugating, abusing, 367 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,520 Speaker 1: and dehumanizing Black women during that time, and after, we 368 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 1: do not feel comfortable, and once we stay, we don't 369 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,879 Speaker 1: feel comfortable, and they for see to make it about 370 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:04,160 Speaker 1: their emotional distress. Is clear why we feel that way, 371 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 1: even friendships nourished over years have boundaries. Adhering to boundaries 372 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:11,760 Speaker 1: shows value and respect for the individual and the relationship. 373 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,440 Speaker 1: How are we united when our attempts to establish boundaries 374 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 1: are disregarded? How can there be respect? Right? And I'm 375 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,040 Speaker 1: just gonna put this out there, true, ally ship is 376 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:27,160 Speaker 1: not us non black and Indigenous women and non binary 377 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,439 Speaker 1: folks stating that we are allies, as this is not 378 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,080 Speaker 1: a title we can give ourselves. Just a reminder just 379 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:36,640 Speaker 1: because you call yourself that does not mean that that's 380 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,000 Speaker 1: what you are. I know you want to be, but 381 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,960 Speaker 1: if you truly are an ally you wouldn't have to 382 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,760 Speaker 1: say that for yourself. And honestly, that term has begun 383 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 1: to fade as many people cannot understand the true responsibilities 384 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:52,880 Speaker 1: of ally ship. But about all of this is accepting 385 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:57,360 Speaker 1: the boundaries that have been set for us. So when 386 00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:59,800 Speaker 1: we talked about earlier, yes, we want to learn how 387 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,639 Speaker 1: who set boundaries for ourselves? A part of this learning 388 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 1: is to respect boundaries as well. From that same article, 389 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: they say if they are fighting for women, that must 390 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,240 Speaker 1: include all of us, which means combating all aspects of 391 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:17,439 Speaker 1: marginalization that women outside of whiteness are subjected to because 392 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,000 Speaker 1: just like your whiteness can often chilled you from the 393 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,720 Speaker 1: aspects of sexism, a black woman, a black trains woman 394 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,560 Speaker 1: will often see the worst because they like the protection 395 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,680 Speaker 1: of whiteness and they have to contend with anti blackness, 396 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:33,080 Speaker 1: misogyn noir and or transphobia. And to add our own 397 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:37,200 Speaker 1: trauma to other trauma, proceeds to cross the boundary lines 398 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,680 Speaker 1: as allies and honestly as decent humans. This is something 399 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,240 Speaker 1: that is important that we talk about, especially in a 400 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: time where everybody is trying to come together for a 401 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 1: greater purpose. But the fact of the matter is this 402 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:54,240 Speaker 1: intersectional level. Until everyone has equality, then no one has it. 403 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 1: And the people who have been fighting the longest and 404 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,000 Speaker 1: the hardest are the ones that we should be listening 405 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,359 Speaker 1: to and oftentimes are the ones that are ignored. And 406 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:04,880 Speaker 1: just because we have good intentions, those good intentions are 407 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:11,160 Speaker 1: not always good mm hmm. And for the bipod community, 408 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,440 Speaker 1: it has only been more clear in the last few 409 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:18,080 Speaker 1: years the importance in setting boundaries. The pandemic and quarantine 410 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: has made it clear that so often boundaries are pushed 411 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:24,680 Speaker 1: past the limits to the detriment of marginalized communities. According 412 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:29,680 Speaker 1: to another article, Ifa Hinde, a licensed therapist, talks about 413 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,480 Speaker 1: the impact of working from home during the pandemic. With 414 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 1: many working from home over the last year, it has 415 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,359 Speaker 1: become harder to escape toxic workplace culture, which has been 416 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 1: particularly hard on black women. According to Women in the 417 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,719 Speaker 1: Workplace study, of black women said they had their judgment 418 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,120 Speaker 1: questioned in their area of expertise while earning only sixty 419 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: seven cents on the dollar compared to what men earned. 420 00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:55,879 Speaker 1: These factors and other instances of workplace discrimination can cause 421 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,840 Speaker 1: a major impact on mental health and create a demand 422 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:02,520 Speaker 1: to separate work from other areas of one's life. Unfortunately, 423 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:08,439 Speaker 1: quarantine made that much harder, and they continue writing. Coupled 424 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,120 Speaker 1: with everything that's been going on and more awareness around 425 00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:14,720 Speaker 1: police brutality and racial and systemic injustice, I think it's 426 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,639 Speaker 1: become really important for people to navigate what their limits 427 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,679 Speaker 1: are and how they can help really maintain their identity 428 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,000 Speaker 1: and engage the world around them. Right and another therapist, 429 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 1: Rita Walker, was quoted in the same article saying these 430 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:31,000 Speaker 1: communities disproportionately carry high levels of burden, with less access 431 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:35,600 Speaker 1: to education, housing, economic and political opportunities while shouldering more 432 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,080 Speaker 1: violence and disparities in health and well being. These communities 433 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:42,480 Speaker 1: are resilient, but even resilience has its limits. We often 434 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,280 Speaker 1: get overwhelmed before we know it. When that happens, we 435 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,680 Speaker 1: feel as if we cannot take any more mentally, because 436 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: we need our minds to accomplish everything in life. It's 437 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,520 Speaker 1: a good idea to protect it before feeling overwhelmed. And 438 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: even if we think we can handle anything, everyone has 439 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,399 Speaker 1: a limit. Yeah, and there is a barrier. What comes 440 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,560 Speaker 1: to Black and Indigenous women being able to set boundaries? 441 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: Many are criticized for taking a break. A couple of 442 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: examples include Naomi Osaka and Simone Vials, who are both 443 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 1: criticized for stepping back due to their mental health. Many 444 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:17,680 Speaker 1: accused them of betraying their country for not willingly sacrificing 445 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,000 Speaker 1: their own health for a metal, and many Black women 446 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:24,280 Speaker 1: are characterized as being angry or too sensitive when asking 447 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:29,000 Speaker 1: civil requests, like using belittling language or appropriating terms like sys, 448 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 1: which we're gonna kind of talk about in a minute. 449 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,879 Speaker 1: But Dr Let from the Zoe Report that we mentioned 450 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 1: earlier actually talked of the very situation concerning Osaka and vials, 451 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,600 Speaker 1: She says, they have both put a spotlight on the 452 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 1: idea that health is holistic and includes mind, body, and spirit. 453 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,840 Speaker 1: They've also exposed that black women have to work harder 454 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:50,400 Speaker 1: at demonstrating their worth and abilities, which makes them more 455 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:54,160 Speaker 1: susceptible to mental health concerns that are not often addressed 456 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 1: due to stigmas surrounding women and the black and brown communities. 457 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,040 Speaker 1: And yeah, I think we need to kind of have 458 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:05,159 Speaker 1: that big conversation about why we want to demonize someone 459 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:10,160 Speaker 1: for our self worth. Again, that's the whole different thing. 460 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,600 Speaker 1: And as we were talking about the term CIS last year, 461 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: there was a black TikTok creator who requested white women 462 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,439 Speaker 1: to not call her CIS and she was met with 463 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:24,679 Speaker 1: a lot of angry white women who immediately violate that 464 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:29,360 Speaker 1: request and went after her for for that small, simple request. 465 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: And though we aren't going to talk about the incident 466 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,119 Speaker 1: too deeply, it's interesting to look at how quickly allies 467 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: turned when told they do not have the privilege of 468 00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:40,439 Speaker 1: saying something. And again, this has a lot to do 469 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,080 Speaker 1: with the African American vernacular that we have talked about 470 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,880 Speaker 1: previously that has been addressed previously by other hosts and 471 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:51,400 Speaker 1: why it's important that we understand appreciation versus appropriation. When 472 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,840 Speaker 1: we we had a book club with our guests talking 473 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:57,000 Speaker 1: about language and and the basis and the history of language, 474 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 1: and a lot of it was stolen from black culture, 475 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:03,160 Speaker 1: which lack culture has been villainized for uh and being 476 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,600 Speaker 1: told they're angry or inappropriate or unprofessional. But yet we're 477 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,240 Speaker 1: taking their language. And this is one of those moments 478 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:10,760 Speaker 1: of like, you have not earned the right to call 479 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:15,560 Speaker 1: me sis and appropriately so and yet white women coming 480 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:20,840 Speaker 1: out of the woodward going but but but why can't I? Yeah, 481 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,880 Speaker 1: I mean I think that the whole respecting of boundaries, 482 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,919 Speaker 1: like if you want to set your own boundaries, you 483 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,159 Speaker 1: need to respect other people's boundaries as well. And I 484 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 1: think that's so important to remember and even see that 485 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:40,639 Speaker 1: with them pronouns and trace pronouns right now. Um, and 486 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 1: it feels very it does feel like very weaponized and 487 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,600 Speaker 1: privileged of like where you can't tell me no, do 488 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:53,840 Speaker 1: you know, but but you can't deny me of mine 489 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,919 Speaker 1: of making me miserable, which yeah, and you know this 490 00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 1: has kind of moved on that TikTok. I believe she 491 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,800 Speaker 1: erased her content because she was getting so much flak 492 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 1: and even being told that she was too angry. It 493 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:10,400 Speaker 1: was so absurd. Mm hmmm mm hmmm. Um. But yes, 494 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,880 Speaker 1: as we have said before, angers is not a bad thing, 495 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:17,400 Speaker 1: and therapist Hindi agrees. They write, I think that when 496 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,920 Speaker 1: people experience a black woman being angry, it is not random. 497 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,160 Speaker 1: Oftentimes anger is a healthy response to someone violating your 498 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,960 Speaker 1: boundary or being dismissive, because we're all entitled to be heard. 499 00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:30,840 Speaker 1: And I do think it really impacts black women and 500 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,919 Speaker 1: how they engage, especially in work. I think in social 501 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:38,240 Speaker 1: environments where black woman and black female identifying individuals engage 502 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,680 Speaker 1: with others like them, there's less of this fear of 503 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 1: being angry because they're being heard and understood. Right, And Yeah, 504 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,680 Speaker 1: that's just such a big open conversation of what we've 505 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:53,120 Speaker 1: been seeing recently of like, okay, how do we do better. 506 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:56,120 Speaker 1: Let's do better. That's I feel like since Annie, you 507 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:57,800 Speaker 1: and I have come onto the show, that's kind of 508 00:28:57,840 --> 00:28:59,960 Speaker 1: been that perspective, like we want to do better. Let 509 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:03,360 Speaker 1: snow when we're doing something that is inappropriate and or 510 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:07,040 Speaker 1: going against our own mission. But of course there comes 511 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,720 Speaker 1: to the outrage because you are being taken away from 512 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,440 Speaker 1: something and these boundaries that we've had to set for ourselves, 513 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,120 Speaker 1: even when it comes to the show, like yes, if 514 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: we responded to you maybe because yeah, thank you so 515 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,360 Speaker 1: much for clarifying and letting get us know, versus you 516 00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:25,080 Speaker 1: feeling offended because we're calling you in. That's a whole 517 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,640 Speaker 1: different conversation and studying that boundary of like, we're not 518 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:31,520 Speaker 1: going to engage in toxicity for the sake of your entertainment. 519 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 1: And that's kind of where we are seeing these the boundaries. 520 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:40,280 Speaker 1: We all want our boundaries to be met and or respected. 521 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:43,280 Speaker 1: That means we also have to respect others even if 522 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,960 Speaker 1: it makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel like, oh, 523 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,760 Speaker 1: you did something wrong, because there are moments it is 524 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:51,000 Speaker 1: again a call in, and you need to consider about 525 00:29:51,320 --> 00:30:12,400 Speaker 1: why that feels like a call in. So we've gone 526 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 1: through some other reasons why boundaries are important and how 527 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:19,280 Speaker 1: setting boundaries or respecting boundaries again can it be difficult? 528 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 1: So let's talk about how to set boundaries. And we're 529 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,640 Speaker 1: not gonna go completely into it. We're just gonna give 530 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:26,720 Speaker 1: you a few things that we have read from different 531 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:30,040 Speaker 1: articles and may be helpful. Uh. One big thing is 532 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:33,960 Speaker 1: figuring out what is important to you? Uh? Is it 533 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:37,520 Speaker 1: something that is a value to you? And just kind 534 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:40,200 Speaker 1: of I feel like I've talked a lot about mindfulness 535 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:41,920 Speaker 1: since the pandemic, but it's kind of that I like 536 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:45,200 Speaker 1: sitting there and thinking, Okay, what, why am I saying 537 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:47,040 Speaker 1: yes when maybe I didn't want to say yes? What 538 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:48,880 Speaker 1: is important? Where do I really want to lay down 539 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 1: this boundary? And why is that? Yeah? Is it not 540 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,160 Speaker 1: a big deal? Okay? Cool? Is it going to set 541 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:58,960 Speaker 1: a precedent? Okay? Also, you could start learning some new 542 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,840 Speaker 1: phrases to say or no thing? So maybe not today 543 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:04,280 Speaker 1: type of way. Uh? And here are some examples from 544 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:08,000 Speaker 1: the Zoe Report and Psychology Today. Annie, We're gonna practice 545 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,240 Speaker 1: you're ready, okay, So I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna say 546 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:14,880 Speaker 1: I'll get back to you. That won't work for me. 547 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,880 Speaker 1: I'm not going to take that on right now. Thank 548 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,840 Speaker 1: you for asking. But no, Well, I will need help 549 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:24,560 Speaker 1: with this. I need a break. Yeah, I've changed my mind. 550 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,240 Speaker 1: I'm not comfortable with that. That sounds like a great 551 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:30,960 Speaker 1: opportunity and I want to help, But is it okay? 552 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 1: If I think about it for a while, I'd love to, 553 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 1: but I know I'm over committed and won't be able 554 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:41,800 Speaker 1: to give this the time it deserves. We're very specific, 555 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,000 Speaker 1: but yeah, there are ways. Again, this is kind of 556 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:46,680 Speaker 1: again that whole being polite, and there's nothing wrong with 557 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 1: being polite, but again I am interested to know who 558 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:54,640 Speaker 1: is being polite and who is just being blunt, right, 559 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:57,280 Speaker 1: And I'm also curious. This is kind of reminding me 560 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:04,120 Speaker 1: of the conversation we had around strategic incompetence um when 561 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:07,640 Speaker 1: people are like not being honest and genuine when they 562 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,760 Speaker 1: say things like this, or because it kind of it's 563 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,920 Speaker 1: again that flip side the corn is very complicated. But 564 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:18,160 Speaker 1: it's also like my mom. I have talked about this before, 565 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,400 Speaker 1: but it's kind of interesting because there are some things 566 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:24,520 Speaker 1: that because of when, when and how she was raised, 567 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:27,200 Speaker 1: she's learning after me, and this is kind of one. 568 00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:31,080 Speaker 1: And she struggles really hard with saying no, and I've 569 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:33,960 Speaker 1: learned from her, but I think I've like kind of 570 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,000 Speaker 1: surpassed her. And I was telling her sometimes, if I 571 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:39,680 Speaker 1: know a conversation and I is going to involve that 572 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:41,640 Speaker 1: and I'm worried that I'm going to give in and 573 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,520 Speaker 1: I really don't want to, I'll like write out a 574 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:46,920 Speaker 1: freaking script. I will write something out. I will have 575 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,720 Speaker 1: bullet points on my hand like it's kind of it 576 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,760 Speaker 1: sounds silly like reading these things. That's like you can't 577 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:57,520 Speaker 1: just do that sometimes you need it, right. I have 578 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,520 Speaker 1: definitely practiced before head of whatever, mo would you say 579 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:03,680 Speaker 1: in the car as I'm driving having a full long 580 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:11,080 Speaker 1: conversation with myself meat alright, So back to some other 581 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:14,719 Speaker 1: smother tips that we found, Uh, taking a look at 582 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:18,000 Speaker 1: the big picture. Is it something you need to do 583 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:22,040 Speaker 1: right now? Can you kind of push it down the line? 584 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,960 Speaker 1: Does it help you, does it help anyone? Or is 585 00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 1: it just something that people are using you for. Be honest, 586 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,680 Speaker 1: let people know when you need a break. Don't ignore 587 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,400 Speaker 1: when you feel overwhelmed. And I think that's one of 588 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,120 Speaker 1: the things is we're not honest with ourselves when we 589 00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:40,160 Speaker 1: come to that breaking point until it's too late. And 590 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:42,600 Speaker 1: again that's the same thing of being mindful. Just really 591 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:46,680 Speaker 1: listen to that. Oh yeah, I'm hitting that wall. I'm 592 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:49,440 Speaker 1: gonna need before I lose it and lose friends. I'm 593 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:51,920 Speaker 1: gonna need to take a step back. Yeah. I mean 594 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,800 Speaker 1: that's a great way to look at it. Is you 595 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:57,440 Speaker 1: don't want to have a meltdown and then hurt somebody. 596 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,000 Speaker 1: And I think one of the things we haven't really 597 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,840 Speaker 1: touched on in this episode but is sort of on 598 00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 1: the outskirts. I think a lot of it has to 599 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,320 Speaker 1: do with self esteem, um, at least when it comes 600 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:08,840 Speaker 1: to women. So for me, I don't have the A 601 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,399 Speaker 1: lot of times I don't have the self esteem. I'm 602 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,319 Speaker 1: not worth saying no. They want to do it, and 603 00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,520 Speaker 1: they I want to make them happy because they're better 604 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:20,520 Speaker 1: than me. So kind of like telling yourself, now, if 605 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:23,120 Speaker 1: you want to stay in read that band fiction, then 606 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:28,359 Speaker 1: do it. What I say, Also find where you need 607 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:30,879 Speaker 1: to set boundaries. Is it in your work life, your 608 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:35,760 Speaker 1: love life. Many aspects of your life could be um. Yeah, 609 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:39,440 Speaker 1: and if you can get connected, whether it's through therapy 610 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:43,240 Speaker 1: or a support group. And there's a lot of bad 611 00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:45,680 Speaker 1: friends out there, but there's a lot of great friends 612 00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:47,920 Speaker 1: out there too, and hopefully you are able to connect 613 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:51,160 Speaker 1: with those people who will also tell you, hey, you're 614 00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,200 Speaker 1: are you sure you want to do all these things? 615 00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:55,440 Speaker 1: This is kind of running yourself, you know, tooth and 616 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:58,040 Speaker 1: you might not want to do this. Those are the 617 00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:00,280 Speaker 1: friends you need, and sometimes it's nice to have someone 618 00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:03,239 Speaker 1: as a sounding board of like is this too much 619 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:06,960 Speaker 1: or is this not enough? Type of conversation. Yes, yes, 620 00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:12,480 Speaker 1: and again remember we need to learn to respect people's boundaries, 621 00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:15,200 Speaker 1: Listen when they are letting you in. If you want 622 00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:17,239 Speaker 1: to be an advocate, make sure you are listening and 623 00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:19,680 Speaker 1: not putting words into other people's mouths and adding more 624 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:23,080 Speaker 1: work for others. Google is an amazing tool for learning 625 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:26,440 Speaker 1: and there are so many great resources out there for that. 626 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,600 Speaker 1: Sometimes it does feel really funny again kind of looking 627 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:32,960 Speaker 1: at these sort of basic keeping traps, but it makes sense, 628 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:37,480 Speaker 1: Like you know, people are complicated, right, and honestly, when 629 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:40,160 Speaker 1: it comes to when we talk about social justice work 630 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,120 Speaker 1: and we're talking about wanting to be good people and 631 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:45,239 Speaker 1: good advocates, Um, there is work out there. We have 632 00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:48,319 Speaker 1: read several books and if you want to go through 633 00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:51,120 Speaker 1: our book club list, there are amazing books out there, 634 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:55,800 Speaker 1: resources that already exists where you don't have to tax 635 00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:59,239 Speaker 1: other people to do the same work when you can 636 00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:05,480 Speaker 1: do it you're elf. Yeah, definitely, definitely, yeah, all of this, 637 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,520 Speaker 1: all of this can be healthy if you're doing it 638 00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,200 Speaker 1: in a productive manner. And by the way, there are 639 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:15,520 Speaker 1: toxic boundary settings that happen as well again, refer back 640 00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:19,080 Speaker 1: to boundaries and biopod community and toxic masculinity and yes, 641 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:24,120 Speaker 1: strategic incompetence perhaps, and boundaries can help you avoid burnout 642 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,440 Speaker 1: and have a better sense of identity and yeah, even 643 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:31,680 Speaker 1: build a better self esteem, right um, And boundaries are 644 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:36,560 Speaker 1: different for different people from better humans. Dot pub article 645 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:40,720 Speaker 1: uh titled how to Set Healthy Boundaries a Compassionate Guide 646 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:44,800 Speaker 1: for Women, writer Julia Horvat rights quote, boundaries exist on 647 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:47,440 Speaker 1: a skill for each person, and we all have to 648 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,120 Speaker 1: find our own middle ground. And I think that's a 649 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:54,160 Speaker 1: good conversation to have. Not everyone has the same level 650 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 1: or limits and it looks differently for them. And continue 651 00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:00,720 Speaker 1: to ask questions for yourself, learn about your own limits 652 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:04,319 Speaker 1: and how to best set them. But also understand that yeah, 653 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:08,000 Speaker 1: community is a good thing. There is a healthy boundary. 654 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,360 Speaker 1: There's a healthy middle ground that we need to find 655 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:16,000 Speaker 1: when seeking help. Again, don't use your friends necessarily to 656 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:20,160 Speaker 1: to the point that you're pushing them away. You know, 657 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,040 Speaker 1: when I would mention that I was a social worker, 658 00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:25,279 Speaker 1: I got a lot of interesting reactions and I would 659 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:28,320 Speaker 1: have to set boundaries to be like, maybe you should 660 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:30,239 Speaker 1: talk to your therapists about that and not that I 661 00:37:30,239 --> 00:37:32,359 Speaker 1: didn't have many friends who did that, but I had 662 00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:35,360 Speaker 1: strangers roommates that I wasn't I wasn't close to that 663 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,400 Speaker 1: would do things like does this sound normal? Does this? 664 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:39,640 Speaker 1: So I'm like, okay, I don't get me wrong, I 665 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:45,719 Speaker 1: love analyzing, but being constantly on taxing um and yeah, 666 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:49,840 Speaker 1: that's that same level. It's understanding middle grounds for yourself. 667 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:52,120 Speaker 1: I know sometimes it's really hard because you want to 668 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:54,439 Speaker 1: be a helpful person and you feel like you owe 669 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:59,279 Speaker 1: that to someone, but you know there's a certain point 670 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:02,759 Speaker 1: that you need to get have a moment for yourself. Yeah. Yeah, 671 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,520 Speaker 1: this is like many of our conversation is very nuanced 672 00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:09,319 Speaker 1: because it's also like who are you actually trying to help? 673 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:12,440 Speaker 1: Are like me, are you trying to avoid something and 674 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 1: you're pouring that intailing someone who doesn't want your help? 675 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:21,920 Speaker 1: You know, Just questions, good questions, yes. And I know 676 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:23,959 Speaker 1: in a lot of past episodes we didn't talk about 677 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:25,239 Speaker 1: it too much in this, but a lot of you 678 00:38:25,239 --> 00:38:28,120 Speaker 1: have written about setting boundaries with family, so I know 679 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:30,440 Speaker 1: that is a big a big piece of this too. 680 00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:34,320 Speaker 1: Um And Yeah, taking that time to learn your boundaries 681 00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:36,000 Speaker 1: and how to set them in a healthy way. Is 682 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,719 Speaker 1: so important and if you have any tips you'd like 683 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:43,080 Speaker 1: to share. Again, not everything works the same for everybody 684 00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,440 Speaker 1: can be different. But if you have anything you'd like 685 00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:47,840 Speaker 1: to share, any resources you'd like to share, you know 686 00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:50,279 Speaker 1: we love those. You can emails at Stephanie and Mom 687 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:52,200 Speaker 1: Stuff that I Hurt Me dot com. You can find 688 00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:54,280 Speaker 1: us on Twitter at Month of Podcast or on Instagram 689 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,560 Speaker 1: that Stuff Whenever Told You. Thanks as always to our 690 00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:59,760 Speaker 1: super producer Christina, thank you and thanks to you for listening. 691 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,240 Speaker 1: Stephander close protection of my Heart Radio. For more podcast 692 00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:04,560 Speaker 1: on my Heart Radio is heart Radio app, Apple podcast 693 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,080 Speaker 1: or where you listen to your favorite shows