Speaker 1: Help I Suck At Dating with Dean Ungler and I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio Podcast. Hello, Welcome to episode eleven of Help
Speaker 1: I Suck At Dating. I hope you're staying warm in
Speaker 1: these chilly December months. We're gonna have a fun episode today. Basically,
Speaker 1: what we're gonna be doing is fielding listener emails, listener conversations,
Speaker 1: phone calls, all that kind of stuff. Um, and we
Speaker 1: are going to start off by taking Anna from Minneapolis. Hi, Anna,
Speaker 1: this is Dean. How are you hey. I'm good. How
Speaker 1: are you. I'm doing well? Thanks for calling? And what
Speaker 1: the question do you have? Um? Okay, so we're talking
Speaker 1: about like dating advice, right, Okay, So I I'm a um,
Speaker 1: I'm in college and like all semester I have like
Speaker 1: stopped by this guy in my class and I knew
Speaker 1: him from last year and like in the summer we
Speaker 1: would like snapchat occasionally, but we were like in different
Speaker 1: states and whatever. So he's like a friend, I guess,
Speaker 1: but like I've all what you felt like, we just
Speaker 1: like we have this connection, like I could like literally
Speaker 1: like see him, like she's like I feel like it's
Speaker 1: like my other half. And it's so weird because like
Speaker 1: normally I would never obsess over anyone um like this,
Speaker 1: like I never have, but like and we've like we've
Speaker 1: never hung out, like we've never like it's only a
Speaker 1: class thing, you know. Yeah, I feel like I know
Speaker 1: him so well and we get along so well, and
Speaker 1: I was just every time I go to class and
Speaker 1: come home and just like oh my god, like you
Speaker 1: know what about at parties and stuff, I've only like
Speaker 1: we okay, so we're both in Greek life, but I've
Speaker 1: only seen him, like I don't go to his frat
Speaker 1: that much, and like when I did, it was just
Speaker 1: like I don't know, like am I just friend zoned? Well,
Speaker 1: so what's stopping you from from trying to hang out
Speaker 1: with him one on one outside of class? I just
Speaker 1: I feel like why wouldn't he be the one like
Speaker 1: asking me? You know, uh, maybe he's just shy about it.
Speaker 1: I don't know, Like it's either like I've gone through
Speaker 1: this and it's like it's either like she like I
Speaker 1: don't know if he thinks like I'm like too cool
Speaker 1: and like I want to be interested, but I feel like,
Speaker 1: you know, like I feel like it's just so weird
Speaker 1: because like we have so much in common and like
Speaker 1: I feel like we're like our personalities are like gost
Speaker 1: all out together. Well, I think I think you definitely
Speaker 1: need to hang out with him because it's it's I
Speaker 1: think that the veil of mystery, of of thinking you
Speaker 1: know a lot about someone, even though you only have
Speaker 1: like snapchat conversations or you only spend you know, X
Speaker 1: amount of time with him in class, you're allowed to
Speaker 1: like make up a lot of things about him that
Speaker 1: you think he is, that you like. So it's like
Speaker 1: the more you get to know him, the less you'll
Speaker 1: be able to fill in the blanks for yourself. And
Speaker 1: I think that's where you should definitely start and maybe
Speaker 1: just like ask him out for I don't know, if
Speaker 1: you're over twenty one, and maybe asking him out for
Speaker 1: a drink, just for a couple of coffee, or even
Speaker 1: just like ask him to study with you in the library. Um,
Speaker 1: I was telling this story earlier on this episode two
Speaker 1: um or I guess not in this episode. I was
Speaker 1: telling the story earlier UM about this girl in college
Speaker 1: that I was like obsessed with. It was very similar
Speaker 1: to what you're saying. You know, we would snapchat a lot. Uh,
Speaker 1: I was like obsessed with her, I thought that we
Speaker 1: were like going to be in of and get married
Speaker 1: and blah blah blah. And so it was just a
Speaker 1: matter of like building a friendship and just like spending
Speaker 1: as much time with her as possible, but doing it
Speaker 1: like platonically and around friends and you know, making sure
Speaker 1: that um, all of that kind of stuff checks out.
Speaker 1: And then after the fact she had a boyfriend of
Speaker 1: the time, she broke up with her boyfriend and then
Speaker 1: we started dating. Um And even at the beginning of
Speaker 1: dating her, I was like, this girl is going to
Speaker 1: be my wife. I'm gonna marry her. And then like
Speaker 1: six six seven months later, I kind of it kind
Speaker 1: of fizzled because it just it wasn't necessarily what I
Speaker 1: expected it to be, not for lack of either of
Speaker 1: us trying or being good people, it just wasn't We
Speaker 1: didn't have the chemistry that I anticipated us having. And
Speaker 1: it sounds like you think that you and this guy
Speaker 1: are gonna have a lot, but you're not really going
Speaker 1: to know it until you spend some time with him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And okay, so do you think that you kind of
Speaker 1: like played it up in your head like any thought, like, oh, absolutely,
Speaker 1: I think even even whenever my friends talked about it.
Speaker 1: My friends all knew that I had like this huge
Speaker 1: crush on her, um they would constantly bring her up,
Speaker 1: and I would like constantly like talk very highly of her.
Speaker 1: So it's like, the more you associate positive words with
Speaker 1: this person, the more that you begin to build them
Speaker 1: up in your head. And there's nothing wrong with that,
Speaker 1: of course, I just I think that you really need
Speaker 1: to dedicate and commit some time to it. And this
Speaker 1: is Mark Dean's producer. He's absolutely right. I think you
Speaker 1: are building this guy up too much. But it's so
Speaker 1: frustrating what you're going through when you feel like there's
Speaker 1: a real connection here but he won't do anything about
Speaker 1: it exactly, And I'm like, well, I'm not going, you know.
Speaker 1: It's like that feeling of like, well, he's not going
Speaker 1: to I don't want Why don't you? Though? I think
Speaker 1: if you, I think if you feel so strongly about it,
Speaker 1: I think that you should take the initiative. Guys are
Speaker 1: really afraid of rejection. They don't want to admit it,
Speaker 1: but they're really afraid of rejection, and everybody is. But
Speaker 1: it's on guys to do the actor asking out Most
Speaker 1: of the time, and every time I ever asked anybody out,
Speaker 1: I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was
Speaker 1: so nervous. He's not going to for whatever reason. You
Speaker 1: need to. You need to be empowered. We want to
Speaker 1: empower you and find a way to do it. That's
Speaker 1: not like I love you, I want to go out
Speaker 1: with you. It's more casual. Maybe there is a college
Speaker 1: campus situation that you need to bring a date to
Speaker 1: that you could ask him to be to make it
Speaker 1: easier than that. You guys said you have the same
Speaker 1: classes together, right, yeah, and we we ride the bus home.
Speaker 1: So I'm always like, oh my god. I could totally
Speaker 1: just tell him, like, do you want to come over
Speaker 1: and study? But I always be too nervous, don't Okay? Well,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm sure you have like friends that you study with.
Speaker 1: I always got like butterflies in my stomach whenever this
Speaker 1: girl would ask me to study with her and her friends.
Speaker 1: And again, I know from her perspective, it was solely
Speaker 1: just to have more people to study with. But you
Speaker 1: can study in a room with like four or five
Speaker 1: of your friends, maybe some of his friends. If there's
Speaker 1: a group of like six of you guys and you're
Speaker 1: all studying together, like it allows you to hang out
Speaker 1: with him with so much less pressure than having him
Speaker 1: come over by himself and study with you. I love
Speaker 1: you guys on the bus together, talking like looking at
Speaker 1: your textbook, like saying like I'm not so sure, and
Speaker 1: then as you get to your stop, you hey, you
Speaker 1: want to come in? There's a study area right in here. Oh,
Speaker 1: trust me, I've had this planned out, like this is
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna do. And then I just don't want
Speaker 1: to get nervous. But do you think that, like if
Speaker 1: you do that, if you play like the platonic like
Speaker 1: route and you're like, oh, like we'll be like better
Speaker 1: friends first, then are you like in danger of getting stuck?
Speaker 1: I see, I personally, I don't think so. I know
Speaker 1: that people will have those worries. I think that if
Speaker 1: you're confident in it, and you're confident in yourself, and
Speaker 1: you're confident in your relationship, your potential relationship with him,
Speaker 1: and there wouldn't have to be a fear of a
Speaker 1: friend zone. And if there is a friend zone, then
Speaker 1: it just wasn't necessarily meant to be. But I've never really,
Speaker 1: I mean, I've definitely been in the friend zone before, right,
Speaker 1: But I just think that if you're confident enough in yourself,
Speaker 1: then it's start really something you should have to worry about. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree with that. Do you think that, like, do
Speaker 1: you think he's already friends zoned me in his mind? Though? Like,
Speaker 1: do you think that that happens? Like do you have
Speaker 1: people who like you're just like all they're just friends zoned?
Speaker 1: I mean, yes, of course I have friend zoned people before,
Speaker 1: But I don't think that he's friend zoned you. Again. Again,
Speaker 1: I don't know enough about the situation, but it sounds
Speaker 1: like it hasn't been the case. So you're saying I
Speaker 1: just need to go for it, and one of you does,
Speaker 1: And I think you take it upon yourself to be
Speaker 1: because what is the worst that could happen? I guess
Speaker 1: he would just say no, yeah, he's not interested, and
Speaker 1: then you can move on with your life. That's true,
Speaker 1: And I think being that like yes or no answer
Speaker 1: is way better than the like what if? And you
Speaker 1: also need to know more about this guy before you
Speaker 1: decide if he's as magical as you think he is.
Speaker 1: And this is the way. That's why I'm saying I
Speaker 1: don't think it's gonna be a yes or no right away.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be uh, let's hang out and and see
Speaker 1: what we can. I don't know, like if you guys
Speaker 1: really have the strong connection like you're saying, which it
Speaker 1: sounds like you do. UM, I think that there will be.
Speaker 1: He'll have every interesting hang out with you, unless I
Speaker 1: don't know, maybe he's dating someone else. I don't know
Speaker 1: if you're dating anyone, UM, but I think that you
Speaker 1: definitely have to go to shot and it's not going
Speaker 1: to be as objective right away. It's gonna be, um
Speaker 1: like a slow process. It's not gonna happen overnight. But
Speaker 1: I have a good feeling about this one, a great
Speaker 1: feeling about it, I do. I think he's just shy
Speaker 1: or oblivious, which guys are both of those from the
Speaker 1: bachlor that I have to ask you to hang out now?
Speaker 1: You have to do you want me to d m
Speaker 1: M for you? Do it? Said to send me his
Speaker 1: Instagram handle. I'm dming him right now. Oh no, no, no, no, no, UM,
Speaker 1: all right, and well good luck. I think you honestly
Speaker 1: need to extend all the branch and see um. But
Speaker 1: make it make it like light like I said, make
Speaker 1: it like if you guys could study together or something.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you have mid terms coming up with winter
Speaker 1: break and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: already thought about, like we're playing the long game here,
Speaker 1: but I have to like make the move. I guess
Speaker 1: make the move. The long game is okay, but yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm eventually gonna want to make a move, and I
Speaker 1: would say to do it before you leave for the holidays,
Speaker 1: so you have somebody to text while you're gone. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and if he if he denies, you just tell him
Speaker 1: that it was my fault and that you were just kidding. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: all right, well, good luck with everything. Great. I guess
Speaker 1: he's some awesome confidence you got this girl. Thanks for
Speaker 1: talking to me, all right, by Hi Ali from Alabama.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling in. How are you? I'm good?
Speaker 1: How are you? I'm good? Thanks for calling? What's your question? Okay?
Speaker 1: So I was in one serious long term relationship and
Speaker 1: we work up a couple of years ago. So we
Speaker 1: did about three years and ever since then, it's like
Speaker 1: I go and day took guys, and I really liked
Speaker 1: him at first, and then it's kind of like I'll
Speaker 1: pick out a flower too and just kind of start
Speaker 1: fixating on them and to start like pushing them away.
Speaker 1: So I don't know, like what is that, Um, I
Speaker 1: do that, I'm guilty of that. I think that everyone
Speaker 1: kind of just inherently does that a little bit. I
Speaker 1: think that like what kind of flaws are you picking on?
Speaker 1: Like what do you um just like I'll sign some
Speaker 1: sort of personality flaw. I mean it depends on the guy. Really.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I'm I'm really not superficial, but this
Speaker 1: one guy, like I really liked him, and I usually
Speaker 1: date guys like six foot and over, but he's really
Speaker 1: shut and I just can't get tasted. And I know
Speaker 1: that's like so bad. But I mean it's a little superficial,
Speaker 1: but I don't think necessarily bad. Like you definitely have
Speaker 1: a taste in men, and if they have, if you
Speaker 1: prefer taller men, then that's just what you prefer. Um.
Speaker 1: I think the whole like knitpicking negative qualities. It's probably
Speaker 1: like a defense mechanism you you kind of find you
Speaker 1: because I do this too. And again this is kind
Speaker 1: of maybe what I'm speaking to is you will see
Speaker 1: yourself like getting closer to this person, and then you
Speaker 1: get scared of that, and so you find negative qualities
Speaker 1: to kind of let yourself move in the opposite direction. Um.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, you shouldn't if you're looking
Speaker 1: for the person that you want to spend the rest
Speaker 1: of your life with. I don't think you should necessarily
Speaker 1: be pinpointing these negative qualities. I don't think you should
Speaker 1: even be able to notice a single negative quality in
Speaker 1: this person. Um. I'm less of an authority on this
Speaker 1: because I'm twenty six and single. But Market Studio has
Speaker 1: been married for twenty years. Maybe he can give you
Speaker 1: a little bit of advice. I mean, look, you've got
Speaker 1: to focus on what you think is important. There's got
Speaker 1: to be a few things, and maybe height is one
Speaker 1: of them, and that doesn't necessarily make you superficial as
Speaker 1: long as you don't have a lift that's a hundred
Speaker 1: things long. I think you need to know what the
Speaker 1: real deal breakers are for you. How old do you
Speaker 1: if you don't mind my asking, twenty two? Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: twenty two, So I think you can have these standards
Speaker 1: when you're twenty two, when there's nothing wrong with that
Speaker 1: you want the perfect guy. But I do think Dean's right.
Speaker 1: It is a fear of commitment and when you're twenty two,
Speaker 1: that's okay, you're gonna you're but you're finding ways to
Speaker 1: get out before you have to open up too much.
Speaker 1: So there may be some some deeper psychological element as
Speaker 1: to why you're not letting yourself commit fully to these
Speaker 1: guys and bailing and pulling the ripcord on the parachute
Speaker 1: before you get into deep. Yeah. I could definitely see that.
Speaker 1: I just feel like I have this picture of like
Speaker 1: the perfect guy for me, and it's kind of like
Speaker 1: one thing off about that. Then I'll just be like,
Speaker 1: all right, well, I'm not gonna waste my time anymore
Speaker 1: on that. Parents still married, Yeah, they're still married. There,
Speaker 1: super happy, great relationship. Have you been hurt really badly
Speaker 1: in the past by a boyfriend? Oh yeah, I hurt
Speaker 1: me pretty bad, so so that may be part of it.
Speaker 1: I mean, I I sorry to go so psychological on you,
Speaker 1: but that might be part of it. It's just a
Speaker 1: fear of getting hurt in like, and we've all I
Speaker 1: think we've all dealt with that fear and overcoming that
Speaker 1: fear because once it happens to you once, man, it's tough,
Speaker 1: and it's tough because you don't ever want to go
Speaker 1: through that again. So I I and and and committing
Speaker 1: fully is being completely vulnerable. You are putting your fragile
Speaker 1: self in their hands to do whatever they want to you.
Speaker 1: And it can be a very scary thing. And it's
Speaker 1: like the fear of rejection kind of fids away when
Speaker 1: you're rejecting them first. You know, like by by finding
Speaker 1: these negative things to push them away, you're kind of
Speaker 1: saving yourself. And again, I do this, I do the
Speaker 1: same exact thing. It's something that I'm trying to work on. Um,
Speaker 1: I think I've gotten better. I think honestly, if you
Speaker 1: were twenty two, you have a lot of time to
Speaker 1: figure it out. I'm twenty six and still figuring it out. Um,
Speaker 1: but I don't know. I think I think that once
Speaker 1: you find the right person for you, you're not going
Speaker 1: to be able to find any negative qualities that really
Speaker 1: kind of push you away. And like, obviously the more
Speaker 1: guys that you meet that you are able to pinpoint
Speaker 1: things that you don't like about them, then you can
Speaker 1: kind of continue to mold the perfect person for you
Speaker 1: as you meet more people. Seems like we all just
Speaker 1: want to that's going to make us laugh, and that
Speaker 1: we want to clamb on top of right, isn't that
Speaker 1: basically what we're looking for? Perfect? Those two things somebody
Speaker 1: that were attracted to in that way and that can
Speaker 1: make us laugh. I think we're can overlook a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff if we can find those two things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it's very fair. That's great. All right, Ali, Well,
Speaker 1: good luck, Thank you for calling in. Thank you so much. Yeah,
Speaker 1: of course, all right, take care. Hey, Julie, thank you
Speaker 1: for calling in. This is Dean. How are you Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm good. How are you? I'm doing well? Thanks for
Speaker 1: waiting on hold for so long. There, I'm sorry for
Speaker 1: the way. But how what question do you have? Um?
Speaker 1: So yeah, my question is um from seven And I've
Speaker 1: never really had like a serious relationship, And my question
Speaker 1: is how do I go from like the casually dating
Speaker 1: because I've had one to two months flings to something
Speaker 1: more serious. So a serious relationship to you, is just
Speaker 1: more than two months? Um yeah, I'm more than yeah,
Speaker 1: just dating. I would say, how, well, what do you
Speaker 1: think you're doing that hasn't allowed these relationships to progress
Speaker 1: like that? Is it something you're doing? Is something they're doing?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Sometimes, you know, I end things, sometimes
Speaker 1: they end it. Sometimes it just stades away. Um. I
Speaker 1: don't know what the problem is, but m M, I
Speaker 1: think that so you seven, you haven't had a serious boyfriend.
Speaker 1: I think that you just have to kind of keep
Speaker 1: taking it slow and just kind of keep trying. I
Speaker 1: don't think that there's really going to be any one
Speaker 1: thing that kind of lets you get over that hump
Speaker 1: unless there is like some major issue that uh, either
Speaker 1: you have or that these guys keep having. But I
Speaker 1: think you just gotta keep trying until you find that
Speaker 1: right guy. Yeah, I feel like I just haven't met
Speaker 1: the right person yet. I don't know. I don't think
Speaker 1: you should put the pressure on finding someone that you're
Speaker 1: you're wanting to be in a long, long term relationship with.
Speaker 1: I think it should just happen in kind of unfold naturally. Um,
Speaker 1: but I don't know. I don't know what the dating
Speaker 1: pools like in Massachusetts. Could I delf Could I do
Speaker 1: a little psychological Delvin because I enjoyed this part. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So you say that you're saying that you're you're with
Speaker 1: these guys if you must, and that they break up
Speaker 1: with you, and you break up with them, right, have
Speaker 1: you had your heart broken or has it always been like, Okay, fine,
Speaker 1: I don't think I've had my heartbroken. Now, you've never
Speaker 1: really been all in enough on these guys to really
Speaker 1: have it hurt when they break up with you, And similarly,
Speaker 1: you don't feel like have you broken their hearts? You
Speaker 1: think there was one guy in grad school who I
Speaker 1: feel like took it pretty hard, like I wasn't as bad.
Speaker 1: But yeah, other than that, not really. So I feel
Speaker 1: like you're putting up walls. I think there's a reason
Speaker 1: that you're not fully committing to these people, or maybe
Speaker 1: allowing yourself to fully be involved, because if you've never
Speaker 1: had your heartbroken, that means you haven't really fallen in
Speaker 1: for these guys. And yes, it's possibly you just haven't
Speaker 1: met the right guy. But what are your parents still together? No?
Speaker 1: What was it? Was it messy? Uh? No? I mean
Speaker 1: it was a long time ago. They're both remarried though now.
Speaker 1: But but I'm guessing it was hard on you what
Speaker 1: had happened when they split up? Yeah? Yeah, I wonder
Speaker 1: if there's something they're like you've seen, You've seen the
Speaker 1: pain that can be caused by these relationships and I
Speaker 1: wonder if there's something there that's not allowing you to
Speaker 1: go deeper. Yeah, I feel like there's some truth in that.
Speaker 1: I feel like we it all goes back to our parents,
Speaker 1: Like I feel every way, we're all messed up, and
Speaker 1: it's and I have daughters, and I wonder daily how
Speaker 1: I am messing up my daughters because you really don't
Speaker 1: have a choice. You're messing them up in some way.
Speaker 1: It will you'll find out when they're grown up. But
Speaker 1: you're doing your best. I'm doing my best every day
Speaker 1: and at the end of the most important well, yes,
Speaker 1: of course, but it's just you're influenced by them in
Speaker 1: so many ways that you don't even realize. And the
Speaker 1: next thing, you know. I mean, my parents are fantastic,
Speaker 1: but I know that I have issues because of them,
Speaker 1: because we all do. So I wonder if there's something there.
Speaker 1: But also I think maybe you haven't met the guy
Speaker 1: that's worth kind of jumping off the deep end with. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like it's both. Probably, I think I think
Speaker 1: you just need to be patient, wait for that right guy.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna have It's said this, I think times
Speaker 1: today it's not gonna happen overnight. Uh, I mean, but
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, like, yeah, you could
Speaker 1: meet the guy very very soon. But um, have you
Speaker 1: heard from that guy from grad school? No, I don't know.
Speaker 1: We don't really talk anywhere. Now. I wonder, how wonder
Speaker 1: if that was the one that got away. Maybe I
Speaker 1: think the opposite I got away from him. You're happy
Speaker 1: that you're happy. Okay, that's good. Good luck again. I'm
Speaker 1: sure it's gonna it's gonna flip and you're gonna find
Speaker 1: that guy soon. Um again, just don't put like an
Speaker 1: unrealistic expectation on it, and try to be open. Try
Speaker 1: to be open to what they have to offer. And
Speaker 1: like we said to the last caller, we're all just
Speaker 1: looking for somebody who can make us laugh and then
Speaker 1: we want to get in bed with. And if we
Speaker 1: can find that, we can overlook a lot of other stuff.
Speaker 1: Nobody's perfect, especially me, especially Deane. All right, Julia, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for calling in. Yeah, thank you guys
Speaker 1: so much, really helpful. All right, take care. Hi. Hey,
Speaker 1: this is Dean. How are you good? For you good?
Speaker 1: I'm right for for having you on hold there for
Speaker 1: so long. How what's what's question you have for me,
Speaker 1: and my question is how is your dating like after
Speaker 1: you left one credit? How has my dating life been
Speaker 1: post Bachelor in Paradise. That's a great question that I've
Speaker 1: actually never been asked. Um, it's been, for the most
Speaker 1: part non existent. I would say there have been certain
Speaker 1: dates that I've gone on, UM, but it's definitely changed
Speaker 1: a lot from before going on the show. It's after
Speaker 1: going on the show, like, I think that if I
Speaker 1: wanted to, I could be going on many more dates,
Speaker 1: but I don't have that yearning inside of me to do.
Speaker 1: That's interesting though, because I would imagine that once you
Speaker 1: go on one of these shows, it's an embarrassment of riches.
Speaker 1: There's so many women in America that would love to
Speaker 1: go out with you rather than somebody who doesn't go
Speaker 1: on these shows. They just have the little community that
Speaker 1: people they know from their lives. But that can also
Speaker 1: be it's it's too much on, isn't it. It's too
Speaker 1: many options, too many possibilities. You don't know anybody, you
Speaker 1: don't know them at all. It's well, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of that. It's a lot of Um. I'm I'm a
Speaker 1: very reclusive and kind of like introverted person. So I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily well, I do well in social settings, I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily like to go out of my way to
Speaker 1: seek them out. Um, and so I'd rather like spend
Speaker 1: a night in by myself than go out and meet
Speaker 1: you know, a hundred new people. Um. But that to
Speaker 1: to to Mark's point, who's the producer on the podcast,
Speaker 1: he was, Uh, definitely is the potential to meet a
Speaker 1: lot more women, is there, like the people that slide
Speaker 1: into my d M s on a daily basis. It
Speaker 1: definitely has obviously increased hundred x percent since going on
Speaker 1: the show, right, But um, I don't know, it's just
Speaker 1: it's it seems like almost like when you have something
Speaker 1: so available to you, you kind of want to go
Speaker 1: to the opposite direction and not necessarily go down that route.
Speaker 1: So that's kind of where I am. Like I I've,
Speaker 1: like I said, I've gone on a few dates. Um,
Speaker 1: I still maintained, you know, friendships with a lot of
Speaker 1: the people that I had post or pre show, but
Speaker 1: it really has been a non existent dating life that
Speaker 1: I've had for the most part. I'll bet a lot
Speaker 1: of guys some come off that show and just go
Speaker 1: out and mad tear Oh so even like some of
Speaker 1: my closest friends here in Los Angeles. Um, like sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll show them like to go through my d M
Speaker 1: or something like that, and I know for a fact
Speaker 1: like they would message every single one of them back
Speaker 1: and try and hang out with every single one of
Speaker 1: them for the for their own I don't know, egotistical purposes,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And I just I don't necessarily see
Speaker 1: why I'm I honestly, I'm kind of proud of myself
Speaker 1: for not really giving into that temptation whatsoever. And yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just not me. But yes, I definitely think that
Speaker 1: even my closest some of my closest friends would take
Speaker 1: full advantage of that opportunity and just kind of start
Speaker 1: going crazy and have a heyday. Um. But no, I
Speaker 1: mean I'm not really like that. I just kind of
Speaker 1: want to find that one person that, um, I can
Speaker 1: eat ice cream with and watch Seinfelderie runs on Friday
Speaker 1: Night with And I don't know. I hope that answers
Speaker 1: your question. All right, Well, thank you for calling in,
Speaker 1: Thank you all right, have a great day. You sounds
Speaker 1: so sweet. I've talked about them before, I'll talk about
Speaker 1: them again. I wear them all the Time Movement Watches.
Speaker 1: They're they're a local company here in Los Angeles. They
Speaker 1: just sprouted up recently. What's great about them is they
Speaker 1: are a very fashion forward but very affordable watch company. Here.
Speaker 1: You'll see a lot of great looking watches, but a
Speaker 1: lot of them will really break the bank. And especially
Speaker 1: with the holidays coming up, it's nice to be able
Speaker 1: to buy a lot of cool looking things for maybe
Speaker 1: a little bit less money than you would you would
Speaker 1: be spending otherwise. So you can buy Movement watches basically
Speaker 1: starting just right around ninety five dollars um. If you
Speaker 1: were to go to a department store, you're probably looking
Speaker 1: to spend like four to five hundred dollars on a
Speaker 1: similar styled and quality watch. But the best thing about
Speaker 1: them is is most of their bands are interchangeable, their
Speaker 1: faces are interchangeable. They are are super unique, so if
Speaker 1: you see someone wearing them, you're pretty much able to
Speaker 1: spot it right away, unlike you know a lot of
Speaker 1: the generic watches out there. Um. So, like I said,
Speaker 1: you can get Movement watches starting at just nine dollars.
Speaker 1: But if you go to movement dot com slash help,
Speaker 1: you can get fifteen percent off with free shipping and
Speaker 1: free return so you know, just because you like the
Speaker 1: way it looks doesn't mean you're like the way it feels.
Speaker 1: If you go and order it, you can return it,
Speaker 1: swap it out for free. Uh find the watch that
Speaker 1: fits you perfectly and again, if you go to Movement
Speaker 1: dot Com slash help, you can get fift off any
Speaker 1: of their watches, which started just so. If you are
Speaker 1: struggling to find gifts for whoever it is you're looking
Speaker 1: to give gifts to this this year. I know it's
Speaker 1: always been difficult for me. Um, and I'm a big
Speaker 1: gift giver. I like to give my friends gifts. I
Speaker 1: like to always surprise my siblings with gifts whenever I'm
Speaker 1: able to look no further than go into Movement dot
Speaker 1: Com slash Help m v emty dot com slash help.
Speaker 1: Not only do they have watches, but they also have
Speaker 1: sunglasses men's and women's. I think they have like so
Speaker 1: many styles. Again, go to Movement dot Com m v
Speaker 1: mt dot com slash help. You get fifteen percent off,
Speaker 1: free shipping, free returns. No better place to look for
Speaker 1: your holiday season gift giving than m v mt dot
Speaker 1: com slash help. Um Fun, Little tidbit about me in
Speaker 1: my life. So I'm sure by now, if you listen
Speaker 1: to this podcast, you see and here how quickly I talk.
Speaker 1: At times, I stumble over my words, and I just
Speaker 1: maybe when I get excited about things, I talked very
Speaker 1: very quickly. And this is the dumbes story. I don't
Speaker 1: even know what I'm sharing it. But when I was
Speaker 1: in college and probably a little bit of high school
Speaker 1: as well, um this same thing happened, but probably to
Speaker 1: a higher degree. And so I would constantly introduce myself
Speaker 1: and say Hi, I'm Dean, and people constantly thought I
Speaker 1: was saying hi, or Hi, it's Dean. Like when I'm
Speaker 1: saying what's your name, people constantly thought I was saying Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm Steve. And so literally, for like four or five
Speaker 1: years of the time, when I would introduce myself as Dean,
Speaker 1: people would think my name was Steve. And then in
Speaker 1: college it got to this point where every time I
Speaker 1: got drunk and I went out with my friends, I
Speaker 1: would just start introducing myself as Steve. And so I
Speaker 1: had this alternate drunk ego which was Steve. And and
Speaker 1: now whenever I hear it played back like like talking
Speaker 1: to a caller when it's like, Hi, it's Dean, how
Speaker 1: are you. I always, in the back of my head
Speaker 1: think it sounds like I'm saying Steve a little bit.
Speaker 1: To be clear, your name is Dean, not Steve. Yes,
Speaker 1: I have an email from Claire and this is very interesting, Tanya.
Speaker 1: Maybe you can weigh in on this as well, because
Speaker 1: this is an interesting question. Claire says, I have a
Speaker 1: topic I think y'all might find interesting, and I'd be
Speaker 1: curious to hear your thoughts. I've didd a lot of
Speaker 1: people in my life, but very few of the dates
Speaker 1: have turned into relationships. I am another example of the
Speaker 1: common story. It just hasn't worked out with anyone. I'm
Speaker 1: not looking to get married tomorrow, but I'd love to
Speaker 1: find something a little more serious. I'd like to invest
Speaker 1: in someone and get the same in return. Here's the catch.
Speaker 1: I'm one semester and one bar exam away from being
Speaker 1: a practicing attorney, and I'm a stripper. How did you
Speaker 1: know that? I just get the vibe. He just whispered
Speaker 1: to Tanya, she's a stripping As I was reading this, Wow,
Speaker 1: she's about to be an attorney. But yeah, she's a stripper.
Speaker 1: I could go on and on about stripping, the stereotypes,
Speaker 1: the truths and the lies, and how I truly believe
Speaker 1: that by stripping, I've made a profound difference in many lives.
Speaker 1: But I'll spare you that for now. My question is
Speaker 1: simply this, would you date a stripper? Some guys say
Speaker 1: it's no problem. Other guys have a big problem with it.
Speaker 1: I get strong reactions about my choice to dance, and
Speaker 1: it has cost me friends, but it's also shown me
Speaker 1: people's true character. The bottom line. For men who are
Speaker 1: skeptical of dating me because of my job, I say this,
Speaker 1: I'm just like any other woman. But I can put
Speaker 1: my body into all sorts of contorted positions on a pole,
Speaker 1: and I can give a super sexy lap dance. And
Speaker 1: for my boyfriend, I'd even consider doing it for free. Well,
Speaker 1: this is incredibly interesting, I think it is. I'm flustered
Speaker 1: even just thinking about it. To be honest, all right, yes,
Speaker 1: you meet a girl, hit it off, she says. Look,
Speaker 1: before we go any further, I need you to know
Speaker 1: I strip. It's helping me pay for law school. It's
Speaker 1: been great for me. Secure, confident. Dean wants to say
Speaker 1: that in theory I could be totally comfortable with that,
Speaker 1: but in practice I see my insecurities being not comfortable
Speaker 1: with it. How about Steve, how would he be with it?
Speaker 1: Steve being drunk all the time, he would be Um, wow,
Speaker 1: that's tough. I don't like to think that I'm a
Speaker 1: jealous person, but I do have jealous tendencies at times,
Speaker 1: and I do get maybe protective or territorial at times.
Speaker 1: I think it's just kind of in human nature to
Speaker 1: to do that, especially when you care a lot about someone.
Speaker 1: But if if Claire has never done anything to breach
Speaker 1: a boy's trust, she essentially is right by saying that
Speaker 1: she's just working another job. And if she uwsed it
Speaker 1: solely as a job until she gets her law degree,
Speaker 1: passes the bar, then I don't necessarily see that much
Speaker 1: fault with it. Okay, so that's a current stripper. What
Speaker 1: if you met a girl to look, I gotta be
Speaker 1: honest with you, just so you know I used to
Speaker 1: be a stripper. Would that be a red flag? I
Speaker 1: would be more comfortable with that than than because what's
Speaker 1: past is passed. Sure, But then for me, it would
Speaker 1: come down to a very basic and probably very silly
Speaker 1: thing It would drive me nuts that all these people
Speaker 1: have seen my girlfriend or wife naked and stuff. I
Speaker 1: feel like that's such a special thing. I feel fortunate
Speaker 1: anytime any woman, and it's been one for twenty years now,
Speaker 1: would show me her naked self, Like, that's such a vulnerable,
Speaker 1: giving thing. It's such a gift to receive as a male.
Speaker 1: It would drive me nuts that others have seen that.
Speaker 1: What about the thought that all these other guys are
Speaker 1: like idolizing her and like wishing they could have her,
Speaker 1: none of them are getting her, And then at the
Speaker 1: end of the day, Y're the one that gets to
Speaker 1: spend the rest of the night with their sort of thing. Like,
Speaker 1: I think there's something to say about that. Um, I
Speaker 1: want to say that this girl has and I can't
Speaker 1: even imagine what she must be going through right now.
Speaker 1: So when I first moved to Los Angeles, about a
Speaker 1: week before I moved, I met a girl in Denver
Speaker 1: who was older. She's probably thirty three, thirty four, No, no no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, she was like thirty one, but she lived
Speaker 1: in Orange County going to what school did you go to?
Speaker 1: Chapman University law school studying for the bar are similar
Speaker 1: to to Claire Um and she the amount of stress
Speaker 1: and pressure that she was under to be in school,
Speaker 1: studying for the bar, taking the bar, all that kind
Speaker 1: of stuff was so like in so much for her,
Speaker 1: we couldn't be in a relationship, so for her to
Speaker 1: for for Claire to be doing that same exact thing,
Speaker 1: but also be having this element of her career her
Speaker 1: her career obviously, but her job on the side, there's
Speaker 1: so much going on. I feel like she shouldn't even
Speaker 1: be thinking about relationships right now. That's my take on it.
Speaker 1: That's true. So I think that we've had nothing but
Speaker 1: kind of negative feedback for Claire at this point. But
Speaker 1: I do feel like the bottom line is it's gonna
Speaker 1: take a special guy. It's going to take a certain guy,
Speaker 1: and maybe he has a certain I don't know what
Speaker 1: the comfortable job is on the guy side of things
Speaker 1: would be maybe he's a stripper, maybe he works at
Speaker 1: a strip club, or maybe you know, maybe there's somebody
Speaker 1: in the circle more. But it's gonna take a special
Speaker 1: guy because a lot of guys I think will have
Speaker 1: an issue with and there's nothing wrong with with the
Speaker 1: job that she does. I don't I don't think I
Speaker 1: just think that there are a lot of guys that
Speaker 1: kind of see it as uh an obstacle to overcome
Speaker 1: at some point or not. Because if she meets a
Speaker 1: guy that's that's down with it. The other problem is
Speaker 1: like what happens when you go home and he starts
Speaker 1: like throwing not the singles? Like there's the guys that
Speaker 1: don't know those kind of boundaries. You know, she's the
Speaker 1: only she gets home. You know, I took out some
Speaker 1: of emails. She has had some bad experiences with guys
Speaker 1: when she's told them that she is, they get too presumptuous.
Speaker 1: I guess, yeah, one assaulted her. So yeah, it's been
Speaker 1: a real maybe. Honestly, Claire, if you're listening, I just
Speaker 1: wouldn't even share that until you're become incredibly comfortable with
Speaker 1: the guy. Right, what's terrible advice? Do you think? I
Speaker 1: think it should be an up front thing, like, hey,
Speaker 1: heads up, this is what I do for Look, she's
Speaker 1: in law school. She's gonna meet a lot of guys
Speaker 1: through law school. Is that something you could How long
Speaker 1: could you hold that? I would keep it a secret,
Speaker 1: and for how many days I'm not going to waver
Speaker 1: from this? I think I wouldn't tell them until you
Speaker 1: become maybe uh committed in the relationship and you're comfortable
Speaker 1: sharing the information with whoever it is. I don't think
Speaker 1: you should share it with him as as long as
Speaker 1: it's only stripping and only dancing, and it's not like
Speaker 1: other things, as long as you're not sure what's the
Speaker 1: one thing all these people have been telling us is
Speaker 1: the key to a successful communication. Honestly, all that kind
Speaker 1: of stuff. I understand that that's actually a very fantastic
Speaker 1: point to lie or not lie. It's a lie by amission,
Speaker 1: I could I could think you could see it as that,
Speaker 1: But I just think that you're opening up slowly about
Speaker 1: yourself and that's a very big thing that many people
Speaker 1: would be uncomfortable with. And it doesn't define who she
Speaker 1: is as a person. It doesn't make her any any
Speaker 1: different as a person. But people will assume that by
Speaker 1: doing that, she is a certain type of way, even
Speaker 1: though she most clearly isn't. It's true, and it's too
Speaker 1: bad because she does have a lot of credit if
Speaker 1: she was able to put herself through law school this way,
Speaker 1: like that's that's tough to do. That's a lot. Yes,
Speaker 1: although on the flip side Titania's point, it would be
Speaker 1: difficult to be dating someone for like six or nine months,
Speaker 1: come to find out they've been stripping the whole time.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, thanks, by, Like, I just want to
Speaker 1: dump you for the lying for six months. That's such
Speaker 1: a hard that's such a hard situation. I don't know. Sorry, Claire,
Speaker 1: have great advice for you, but I think it happens
Speaker 1: to everybody. You know, how badass is that a stripping attorney? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like a TV show in there somewhere, you know.
Speaker 1: And that's another element that guys we need to mention
Speaker 1: with guys. Guys will look past a lot if you're
Speaker 1: a certain level of hot. That rhymed and I'm kind
Speaker 1: of proud of it. Yeah, But the truth is, if
Speaker 1: she looks like the dream girl and she's just a
Speaker 1: knockout incredible as I'm sure she is in incredibly intellectual,
Speaker 1: if she's yeah, she's smart, she's the whole package. Things
Speaker 1: are turning around in my mind for Claire. Maybe she
Speaker 1: maybe this is okay. I don't know, Maybe we're just insecure.
Speaker 1: Maybe guys are going to see this for what it is.
Speaker 1: She's a hustler. She's smart, she does what she's gotta do,
Speaker 1: and she's incredibly attractive. I want to meet Clear in person.
Speaker 1: I demand Claire comes to the studio, California. Well, I
Speaker 1: hope you can take something some seblance of a takeaway
Speaker 1: from that. Here's an anonymous email. Hi Dean, I did
Speaker 1: the guy at thought I was going to marry for
Speaker 1: three and a half years. Sadly it ended and I
Speaker 1: was really hurt. Yeah, I'm glad you're here for this
Speaker 1: time you Just a few months later, I found out
Speaker 1: he was in another serious relationship with someone new, someone
Speaker 1: he became friends with a month before our relationship ended.
Speaker 1: Came as a surprise and it made it harder to
Speaker 1: move forward. We broke up two years ago. I've gone
Speaker 1: on a few dates since then, but it's hard finding
Speaker 1: someone new when you thought you were going to be
Speaker 1: married to someone else. Since the creation of Instagram Stories
Speaker 1: about a year and a half ago, his new girlfriend
Speaker 1: has watched every single one of my stories. I believe
Speaker 1: I met her once before we broke up, and she
Speaker 1: doesn't follow me on Instagram. She then has gone on
Speaker 1: to watch all of my friends stories that I've tagged
Speaker 1: or shown on my Instagram stories. It doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1: This means she goes to my account and watches my
Speaker 1: stories and also stalks my friends. She's the one who
Speaker 1: ended up with my ex. I just don't get why
Speaker 1: she does this, and it makes me upset every time
Speaker 1: I see she's been on my profile? Do I block her?
Speaker 1: That seems excessive and makes me look crazy? But doesn't
Speaker 1: she know that I can see that she watches every
Speaker 1: one of my stories. Help. Thanks for the advice, Tanya,
Speaker 1: The floor is yours. Okay, this is what I would
Speaker 1: do whatever what was her name? Her name was sorry, Anonymous, beautiful,
Speaker 1: so it's just flows right off the tongue. What I
Speaker 1: would do is whatever is going to make you happy?
Speaker 1: So yes, do I think blocking this this new girlfriend
Speaker 1: is excessive? Yes? But if it irks you every single
Speaker 1: time you see her name pop up on your story,
Speaker 1: then block her. Who cares? You know? She's nobody in
Speaker 1: your in your She's not making you happy by any means.
Speaker 1: So if it's going to make you happy, I'm all
Speaker 1: for doing the block blocker and and don't even think
Speaker 1: twice about it. What's her mindset? Not Anonymous? The girl
Speaker 1: who keeps talking Anonymous is Instagram. What is she thinking?
Speaker 1: You know, I don't know because I've never been like
Speaker 1: that girl all that. If I'm in a new relationship
Speaker 1: with somebody, I'm not stalking their exes profiles. That's just
Speaker 1: not me. That's just not who I am. So I
Speaker 1: don't know like what that mindset is, like what she's
Speaker 1: looking for. Um, although I have been the girl that
Speaker 1: when you break up with someone, your boyfriend gets a
Speaker 1: new girlfriend, and you stalk the new girlfriend because you're
Speaker 1: kind of thinking, like what is it about them that?
Speaker 1: So maybe it is the flip side, like what is
Speaker 1: it about them that's attracting your ex? I think it's
Speaker 1: it's similar. I think it's an insecurity. I think maybe
Speaker 1: she thinks that Anonymous is maybe prettier than she is,
Speaker 1: or like enjoying her life more. Yeah, And I think
Speaker 1: she is afraid that he will still have feelings for her,
Speaker 1: and so she's kind of obsessed with her. Maybe she's
Speaker 1: just yearning for a friendship from Anonymous ip that, But
Speaker 1: I think what this Okay, I think what Anonymous should
Speaker 1: do is I think she should just block the new
Speaker 1: girlfriend so it'll stop making her anxious or angry inside.
Speaker 1: And then I think she needs to move forward and
Speaker 1: she really, like, I think two years is not a
Speaker 1: long time to get over a three and a half
Speaker 1: year relationship that you thought you were going to marry.
Speaker 1: What's the rule is, And it's supposed to be a
Speaker 1: month for every year you were together. It's supposed to
Speaker 1: be half the time that you spent together. So she's
Speaker 1: by that math, she's just getting over at she should
Speaker 1: be by now half That seems excessive to me. I
Speaker 1: think your heart, Well, that's probably it's actually probably different
Speaker 1: for women and for men could be, but for girls
Speaker 1: it's it's half the relationship. And um, I think that
Speaker 1: she really needs just to try dating and like really
Speaker 1: put herself out there and just and cut all ties
Speaker 1: in anything that reminds her of her ex. Sure, and
Speaker 1: and obviously his current girlfriend reminds her of her ex. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think so. I think blocking is more for Anonymous
Speaker 1: because then she won't see her ex's girlfriend be looking
Speaker 1: at her stories, less so for her ex for his
Speaker 1: girlfriend to be looking at her stories, like she doesn't
Speaker 1: care so much but she just want to see her name.
Speaker 1: It takes a stress out of anonymouss life, and you're
Speaker 1: really doing the new girlfriend of favor. Yea, she can
Speaker 1: stop up obsessing so much. Here's the thing with blocking,
Speaker 1: is I mean I have multiple Instagram accounts. I have
Speaker 1: my public account, I have a private account that I'm
Speaker 1: only friends with follow friends and friends only follow me. Um.
Speaker 1: I have a help I stuck at dating account. So
Speaker 1: just because my danae Baby's account block someone or is
Speaker 1: blocked by someone doesn't mean I can't get on it
Speaker 1: another account and go look at anonymous, won't I won't
Speaker 1: see her name popping up? Does that make sense? Yes,
Speaker 1: So that's what I'm saying. It's more for anonymous to
Speaker 1: sake than for anything else. Exactly about going private though, yes,
Speaker 1: and go private. I think that she's definitely go private.
Speaker 1: And for the uh the girlfriend, the current girlfriend is lurking.
Speaker 1: If you look at Instagram stories from the web, no
Speaker 1: one can see that you're watching it. I'm just throwing
Speaker 1: that out. You can do that. There are there are ways,
Speaker 1: so there's there's things to be learned on both sides
Speaker 1: with isn't that so funny that this is like an
Speaker 1: actual conversation. We're burning calories figuring it out. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: so funny because I was kind of dating this guy
Speaker 1: very briefly over the summer, and his ex girlfriend was
Speaker 1: like up my stories and never met t next girlfriend.
Speaker 1: I've never even seen her, but her name started popping up,
Speaker 1: and I was like, why is this random ex girlfriend?
Speaker 1: And I'm dated it very briefly. I'm like, it's just
Speaker 1: so crazy to me that people have this fascination want
Speaker 1: to like I don't know, but you have the fast
Speaker 1: the want to know who's looking at your stories and
Speaker 1: you're finding it out. No, no, I'm just saying it's
Speaker 1: kind of a towy street, right, but it pops up it.
Speaker 1: I don't know what the algorithm is, but it was.
Speaker 1: She was always like that very first person to Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't think I've looked at who've used my Instagram
Speaker 1: stories in forever. You can't see that when you're like
Speaker 1: scrolling to the end, I just see a number. I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever clicked on the number to see
Speaker 1: you know, So maybe I don't know. Maybe I have
Speaker 1: a lot of creepy x is out there that are
Speaker 1: stocking me. Yeah, no, I don't think so. All Right, Well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to this week's episode
Speaker 1: of Help. I Suck at Dating a lot today. We
Speaker 1: learned a lot today. Um. Always great to have her
Speaker 1: way in you. The listeners are obviously what makes this
Speaker 1: podcast so great. So at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: big thanks to you guys for tuning in, for sending
Speaker 1: your emails, for having the phone calls with us. I
Speaker 1: Suck at Dating at I Heart media dot com. That's
Speaker 1: the email address if you share, if you feel like
Speaker 1: sharing your story like Claire, UM, if you feel like
Speaker 1: calling in like Anna, we would love to hear more
Speaker 1: from you guys. Like I said, it's always great to
Speaker 1: be able to mix in real life events with this podcast,
Speaker 1: so please tune in next week for another episode of
Speaker 1: help I Suck At Dating, because maybe then I'll suck
Speaker 1: a little bit less. Follow Hell I Suck At Dating
Speaker 1: with Dean Anglert on I Heart Radio or subscribe wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to podcasts.