WEBVTT - #11 What Would Dean Do? 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:04.320 Help I Suck At Dating with Dean Ungler and I 0:00:04.400 --> 0:00:09.920 Heart Radio Podcast. Hello, Welcome to episode eleven of Help 0:00:09.960 --> 0:00:13.000 I Suck At Dating. I hope you're staying warm in 0:00:13.039 --> 0:00:16.000 these chilly December months. We're gonna have a fun episode today. Basically, 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:21.080 what we're gonna be doing is fielding listener emails, listener conversations, 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:23.800 phone calls, all that kind of stuff. Um, and we 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:28.639 are going to start off by taking Anna from Minneapolis. Hi, Anna, 0:00:28.680 --> 0:00:31.680 this is Dean. How are you hey. I'm good. How 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:33.600 are you. I'm doing well? Thanks for calling? And what 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:37.240 the question do you have? Um? Okay, so we're talking 0:00:37.280 --> 0:00:44.280 about like dating advice, right, Okay, So I I'm a um, 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:47.879 I'm in college and like all semester I have like 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:49.800 stopped by this guy in my class and I knew 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:52.440 him from last year and like in the summer we 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:55.000 would like snapchat occasionally, but we were like in different 0:00:55.040 --> 0:00:58.000 states and whatever. So he's like a friend, I guess, 0:00:58.560 --> 0:01:01.080 but like I've all what you felt like, we just 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:04.480 like we have this connection, like I could like literally 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.479 like see him, like she's like I feel like it's 0:01:07.520 --> 0:01:09.920 like my other half. And it's so weird because like 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:13.840 normally I would never obsess over anyone um like this, 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:16.640 like I never have, but like and we've like we've 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:19.720 never hung out, like we've never like it's only a 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:22.640 class thing, you know. Yeah, I feel like I know 0:01:22.800 --> 0:01:24.600 him so well and we get along so well, and 0:01:24.640 --> 0:01:26.160 I was just every time I go to class and 0:01:26.160 --> 0:01:28.480 come home and just like oh my god, like you 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:32.240 know what about at parties and stuff, I've only like 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:35.000 we okay, so we're both in Greek life, but I've 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:38.399 only seen him, like I don't go to his frat 0:01:38.440 --> 0:01:40.160 that much, and like when I did, it was just 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:43.600 like I don't know, like am I just friend zoned? Well, 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:45.760 so what's stopping you from from trying to hang out 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:48.480 with him one on one outside of class? I just 0:01:48.600 --> 0:01:50.920 I feel like why wouldn't he be the one like 0:01:50.960 --> 0:01:55.520 asking me? You know, uh, maybe he's just shy about it. 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:59.560 I don't know, Like it's either like I've gone through 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:03.360 this and it's like it's either like she like I 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:05.000 don't know if he thinks like I'm like too cool 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:06.880 and like I want to be interested, but I feel like, 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:10.600 you know, like I feel like it's just so weird 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:12.639 because like we have so much in common and like 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:16.359 I feel like we're like our personalities are like gost 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:19.120 all out together. Well, I think I think you definitely 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:20.640 need to hang out with him because it's it's I 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.240 think that the veil of mystery, of of thinking you 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:25.280 know a lot about someone, even though you only have 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:27.600 like snapchat conversations or you only spend you know, X 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:29.640 amount of time with him in class, you're allowed to 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:31.680 like make up a lot of things about him that 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:33.560 you think he is, that you like. So it's like 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:35.399 the more you get to know him, the less you'll 0:02:35.400 --> 0:02:36.800 be able to fill in the blanks for yourself. And 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:38.640 I think that's where you should definitely start and maybe 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:39.840 just like ask him out for I don't know, if 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:41.320 you're over twenty one, and maybe asking him out for 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:42.720 a drink, just for a couple of coffee, or even 0:02:42.760 --> 0:02:45.639 just like ask him to study with you in the library. Um, 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:47.760 I was telling this story earlier on this episode two 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:49.480 um or I guess not in this episode. I was 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:53.040 telling the story earlier UM about this girl in college 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:54.800 that I was like obsessed with. It was very similar 0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:56.920 to what you're saying. You know, we would snapchat a lot. Uh, 0:02:57.560 --> 0:02:59.120 I was like obsessed with her, I thought that we 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:00.640 were like going to be in of and get married 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:02.360 and blah blah blah. And so it was just a 0:03:02.400 --> 0:03:04.519 matter of like building a friendship and just like spending 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:08.000 as much time with her as possible, but doing it 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:10.640 like platonically and around friends and you know, making sure 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.200 that um, all of that kind of stuff checks out. 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:14.840 And then after the fact she had a boyfriend of 0:03:14.880 --> 0:03:16.160 the time, she broke up with her boyfriend and then 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:19.120 we started dating. Um And even at the beginning of 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:20.840 dating her, I was like, this girl is going to 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:22.840 be my wife. I'm gonna marry her. And then like 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.760 six six seven months later, I kind of it kind 0:03:25.760 --> 0:03:28.000 of fizzled because it just it wasn't necessarily what I 0:03:28.040 --> 0:03:30.080 expected it to be, not for lack of either of 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:31.959 us trying or being good people, it just wasn't We 0:03:32.000 --> 0:03:34.080 didn't have the chemistry that I anticipated us having. And 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:35.640 it sounds like you think that you and this guy 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:37.320 are gonna have a lot, but you're not really going 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.040 to know it until you spend some time with him. Yeah, 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:41.960 And okay, so do you think that you kind of 0:03:42.000 --> 0:03:45.559 like played it up in your head like any thought, like, oh, absolutely, 0:03:45.800 --> 0:03:48.000 I think even even whenever my friends talked about it. 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:49.640 My friends all knew that I had like this huge 0:03:49.640 --> 0:03:51.840 crush on her, um they would constantly bring her up, 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:54.000 and I would like constantly like talk very highly of her. 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:56.480 So it's like, the more you associate positive words with 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:58.320 this person, the more that you begin to build them 0:03:58.360 --> 0:03:59.920 up in your head. And there's nothing wrong with that, 0:04:00.000 --> 0:04:02.480 of course, I just I think that you really need 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:05.040 to dedicate and commit some time to it. And this 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:08.000 is Mark Dean's producer. He's absolutely right. I think you 0:04:08.040 --> 0:04:09.760 are building this guy up too much. But it's so 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:12.560 frustrating what you're going through when you feel like there's 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:14.760 a real connection here but he won't do anything about 0:04:14.800 --> 0:04:17.599 it exactly, And I'm like, well, I'm not going, you know. 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:19.840 It's like that feeling of like, well, he's not going 0:04:19.880 --> 0:04:22.680 to I don't want Why don't you? Though? I think 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:24.840 if you, I think if you feel so strongly about it, 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:26.680 I think that you should take the initiative. Guys are 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:29.400 really afraid of rejection. They don't want to admit it, 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:31.800 but they're really afraid of rejection, and everybody is. But 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:34.160 it's on guys to do the actor asking out Most 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:36.320 of the time, and every time I ever asked anybody out, 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:37.680 I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:41.640 so nervous. He's not going to for whatever reason. You 0:04:41.680 --> 0:04:43.440 need to. You need to be empowered. We want to 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:45.400 empower you and find a way to do it. That's 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:47.839 not like I love you, I want to go out 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:50.320 with you. It's more casual. Maybe there is a college 0:04:50.360 --> 0:04:53.400 campus situation that you need to bring a date to 0:04:53.680 --> 0:04:55.840 that you could ask him to be to make it 0:04:55.880 --> 0:04:57.400 easier than that. You guys said you have the same 0:04:57.400 --> 0:05:01.279 classes together, right, yeah, and we we ride the bus home. 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:02.839 So I'm always like, oh my god. I could totally 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:04.120 just tell him, like, do you want to come over 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:06.680 and study? But I always be too nervous, don't Okay? Well, 0:05:06.800 --> 0:05:09.000 maybe I'm sure you have like friends that you study with. 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:11.440 I always got like butterflies in my stomach whenever this 0:05:11.480 --> 0:05:13.359 girl would ask me to study with her and her friends. 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:15.360 And again, I know from her perspective, it was solely 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:17.919 just to have more people to study with. But you 0:05:17.960 --> 0:05:20.000 can study in a room with like four or five 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:22.000 of your friends, maybe some of his friends. If there's 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:23.400 a group of like six of you guys and you're 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:25.760 all studying together, like it allows you to hang out 0:05:25.800 --> 0:05:27.960 with him with so much less pressure than having him 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:30.000 come over by himself and study with you. I love 0:05:30.120 --> 0:05:32.640 you guys on the bus together, talking like looking at 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:35.240 your textbook, like saying like I'm not so sure, and 0:05:35.279 --> 0:05:37.000 then as you get to your stop, you hey, you 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:39.880 want to come in? There's a study area right in here. Oh, 0:05:40.080 --> 0:05:42.520 trust me, I've had this planned out, like this is 0:05:42.560 --> 0:05:44.480 what I'm gonna do. And then I just don't want 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:48.840 to get nervous. But do you think that, like if 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:50.960 you do that, if you play like the platonic like 0:05:51.160 --> 0:05:53.480 route and you're like, oh, like we'll be like better 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:56.720 friends first, then are you like in danger of getting stuck? 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:02.039 I see, I personally, I don't think so. I know 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:04.880 that people will have those worries. I think that if 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:07.599 you're confident in it, and you're confident in yourself, and 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:09.880 you're confident in your relationship, your potential relationship with him, 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:11.080 and there wouldn't have to be a fear of a 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:12.920 friend zone. And if there is a friend zone, then 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:15.239 it just wasn't necessarily meant to be. But I've never really, 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:18.080 I mean, I've definitely been in the friend zone before, right, 0:06:18.120 --> 0:06:21.239 But I just think that if you're confident enough in yourself, 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:23.640 then it's start really something you should have to worry about. Yeah, 0:06:23.760 --> 0:06:26.720 I agree with that. Do you think that, like, do 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.320 you think he's already friends zoned me in his mind? Though? Like, 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:32.320 do you think that that happens? Like do you have 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:35.320 people who like you're just like all they're just friends zoned? 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:37.400 I mean, yes, of course I have friend zoned people before, 0:06:37.400 --> 0:06:39.480 But I don't think that he's friend zoned you. Again. Again, 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:41.919 I don't know enough about the situation, but it sounds 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:44.760 like it hasn't been the case. So you're saying I 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.360 just need to go for it, and one of you does, 0:06:48.120 --> 0:06:49.960 And I think you take it upon yourself to be 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:53.719 because what is the worst that could happen? I guess 0:06:54.080 --> 0:06:56.279 he would just say no, yeah, he's not interested, and 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:59.239 then you can move on with your life. That's true, 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:01.480 And I think being that like yes or no answer 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:04.240 is way better than the like what if? And you 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:06.120 also need to know more about this guy before you 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:08.080 decide if he's as magical as you think he is. 0:07:08.240 --> 0:07:11.560 And this is the way. That's why I'm saying I 0:07:11.560 --> 0:07:13.200 don't think it's gonna be a yes or no right away. 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:16.880 It's gonna be uh, let's hang out and and see 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:19.880 what we can. I don't know, like if you guys 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:21.560 really have the strong connection like you're saying, which it 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:24.600 sounds like you do. UM, I think that there will be. 0:07:24.760 --> 0:07:26.760 He'll have every interesting hang out with you, unless I 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:28.120 don't know, maybe he's dating someone else. I don't know 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:31.600 if you're dating anyone, UM, but I think that you 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:32.840 definitely have to go to shot and it's not going 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:35.280 to be as objective right away. It's gonna be, um 0:07:35.360 --> 0:07:37.640 like a slow process. It's not gonna happen overnight. But 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:39.720 I have a good feeling about this one, a great 0:07:39.720 --> 0:07:44.760 feeling about it, I do. I think he's just shy 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:48.480 or oblivious, which guys are both of those from the 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:51.480 bachlor that I have to ask you to hang out now? 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:53.920 You have to do you want me to d m 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.480 M for you? Do it? Said to send me his 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:03.480 Instagram handle. I'm dming him right now. Oh no, no, no, no, no, UM, 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:05.840 all right, and well good luck. I think you honestly 0:08:05.880 --> 0:08:08.600 need to extend all the branch and see um. But 0:08:08.680 --> 0:08:10.440 make it make it like light like I said, make 0:08:10.440 --> 0:08:12.360 it like if you guys could study together or something. 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:13.840 I'm sure you have mid terms coming up with winter 0:08:13.920 --> 0:08:16.400 break and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:19.280 already thought about, like we're playing the long game here, 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:21.960 but I have to like make the move. I guess 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:24.600 make the move. The long game is okay, but yeah, 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:25.960 I'm eventually gonna want to make a move, and I 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:27.720 would say to do it before you leave for the holidays, 0:08:27.760 --> 0:08:29.800 so you have somebody to text while you're gone. Absolutely, 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:33.080 and if he if he denies, you just tell him 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:37.120 that it was my fault and that you were just kidding. Okay, Well, 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:39.520 all right, well, good luck with everything. Great. I guess 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:43.320 he's some awesome confidence you got this girl. Thanks for 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:47.560 talking to me, all right, by Hi Ali from Alabama. 0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:50.559 Thank you for calling in. How are you? I'm good? 0:08:50.600 --> 0:08:54.280 How are you? I'm good? Thanks for calling? What's your question? Okay? 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:58.720 So I was in one serious long term relationship and 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.920 we work up a couple of years ago. So we 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:06.520 did about three years and ever since then, it's like 0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:09.400 I go and day took guys, and I really liked 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:12.160 him at first, and then it's kind of like I'll 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:14.400 pick out a flower too and just kind of start 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:17.960 fixating on them and to start like pushing them away. 0:09:19.080 --> 0:09:22.000 So I don't know, like what is that, Um, I 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:24.439 do that, I'm guilty of that. I think that everyone 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:26.600 kind of just inherently does that a little bit. I 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:28.679 think that like what kind of flaws are you picking on? 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:32.840 Like what do you um just like I'll sign some 0:09:32.920 --> 0:09:36.880 sort of personality flaw. I mean it depends on the guy. Really. 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:42.040 I'm like, okay, I'm I'm really not superficial, but this 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:44.800 one guy, like I really liked him, and I usually 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:48.959 date guys like six foot and over, but he's really 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:52.280 shut and I just can't get tasted. And I know 0:09:52.360 --> 0:09:56.199 that's like so bad. But I mean it's a little superficial, 0:09:56.240 --> 0:09:58.280 but I don't think necessarily bad. Like you definitely have 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:00.560 a taste in men, and if they have, if you 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:04.000 prefer taller men, then that's just what you prefer. Um. 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:07.600 I think the whole like knitpicking negative qualities. It's probably 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.800 like a defense mechanism you you kind of find you 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:13.080 because I do this too. And again this is kind 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:17.000 of maybe what I'm speaking to is you will see 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:19.360 yourself like getting closer to this person, and then you 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:21.640 get scared of that, and so you find negative qualities 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:25.280 to kind of let yourself move in the opposite direction. Um. 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:29.080 But at the same time, you shouldn't if you're looking 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:30.319 for the person that you want to spend the rest 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:31.840 of your life with. I don't think you should necessarily 0:10:31.880 --> 0:10:33.760 be pinpointing these negative qualities. I don't think you should 0:10:33.760 --> 0:10:35.520 even be able to notice a single negative quality in 0:10:35.520 --> 0:10:38.680 this person. Um. I'm less of an authority on this 0:10:38.760 --> 0:10:42.000 because I'm twenty six and single. But Market Studio has 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:43.800 been married for twenty years. Maybe he can give you 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:45.160 a little bit of advice. I mean, look, you've got 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:47.559 to focus on what you think is important. There's got 0:10:47.559 --> 0:10:49.079 to be a few things, and maybe height is one 0:10:49.080 --> 0:10:51.360 of them, and that doesn't necessarily make you superficial as 0:10:51.360 --> 0:10:52.880 long as you don't have a lift that's a hundred 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:54.640 things long. I think you need to know what the 0:10:54.720 --> 0:10:57.959 real deal breakers are for you. How old do you 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:01.199 if you don't mind my asking, twenty two? Yeah, you're 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:03.560 twenty two, So I think you can have these standards 0:11:03.559 --> 0:11:05.440 when you're twenty two, when there's nothing wrong with that 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:08.040 you want the perfect guy. But I do think Dean's right. 0:11:08.400 --> 0:11:11.400 It is a fear of commitment and when you're twenty two, 0:11:11.679 --> 0:11:13.760 that's okay, you're gonna you're but you're finding ways to 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:15.439 get out before you have to open up too much. 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:18.520 So there may be some some deeper psychological element as 0:11:18.559 --> 0:11:21.440 to why you're not letting yourself commit fully to these 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:24.200 guys and bailing and pulling the ripcord on the parachute 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:28.719 before you get into deep. Yeah. I could definitely see that. 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:32.280 I just feel like I have this picture of like 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:34.559 the perfect guy for me, and it's kind of like 0:11:35.559 --> 0:11:37.680 one thing off about that. Then I'll just be like, 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:40.600 all right, well, I'm not gonna waste my time anymore 0:11:40.600 --> 0:11:44.640 on that. Parents still married, Yeah, they're still married. There, 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.319 super happy, great relationship. Have you been hurt really badly 0:11:48.360 --> 0:11:51.720 in the past by a boyfriend? Oh yeah, I hurt 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:54.360 me pretty bad, so so that may be part of it. 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:57.160 I mean, I I sorry to go so psychological on you, 0:11:57.240 --> 0:11:59.040 but that might be part of it. It's just a 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:01.120 fear of getting hurt in like, and we've all I 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:03.560 think we've all dealt with that fear and overcoming that 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:07.000 fear because once it happens to you once, man, it's tough, 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:08.760 and it's tough because you don't ever want to go 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:12.760 through that again. So I I and and and committing 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:16.480 fully is being completely vulnerable. You are putting your fragile 0:12:16.520 --> 0:12:19.280 self in their hands to do whatever they want to you. 0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:21.880 And it can be a very scary thing. And it's 0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:23.800 like the fear of rejection kind of fids away when 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:26.560 you're rejecting them first. You know, like by by finding 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:28.720 these negative things to push them away, you're kind of 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:33.079 saving yourself. And again, I do this, I do the 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:35.640 same exact thing. It's something that I'm trying to work on. Um, 0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:37.160 I think I've gotten better. I think honestly, if you 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:38.880 were twenty two, you have a lot of time to 0:12:38.880 --> 0:12:42.280 figure it out. I'm twenty six and still figuring it out. Um, 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:44.080 but I don't know. I think I think that once 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.040 you find the right person for you, you're not going 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:48.199 to be able to find any negative qualities that really 0:12:48.679 --> 0:12:50.640 kind of push you away. And like, obviously the more 0:12:50.679 --> 0:12:53.240 guys that you meet that you are able to pinpoint 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:54.640 things that you don't like about them, then you can 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:57.520 kind of continue to mold the perfect person for you 0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.480 as you meet more people. Seems like we all just 0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:01.720 want to that's going to make us laugh, and that 0:13:01.800 --> 0:13:03.840 we want to clamb on top of right, isn't that 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:07.360 basically what we're looking for? Perfect? Those two things somebody 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:10.080 that were attracted to in that way and that can 0:13:10.160 --> 0:13:12.880 make us laugh. I think we're can overlook a lot 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:14.880 of stuff if we can find those two things. Yeah, 0:13:15.040 --> 0:13:19.360 I think it's very fair. That's great. All right, Ali, Well, 0:13:19.360 --> 0:13:22.920 good luck, Thank you for calling in. Thank you so much. Yeah, 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:26.240 of course, all right, take care. Hey, Julie, thank you 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.200 for calling in. This is Dean. How are you Hi, 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:31.360 I'm good. How are you? I'm doing well? Thanks for 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:33.160 waiting on hold for so long. There, I'm sorry for 0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:36.680 the way. But how what question do you have? Um? 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:39.320 So yeah, my question is um from seven And I've 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:42.840 never really had like a serious relationship, And my question 0:13:42.880 --> 0:13:45.480 is how do I go from like the casually dating 0:13:45.480 --> 0:13:48.439 because I've had one to two months flings to something 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:51.320 more serious. So a serious relationship to you, is just 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:56.200 more than two months? Um yeah, I'm more than yeah, 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:59.120 just dating. I would say, how, well, what do you 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:01.680 think you're doing that hasn't allowed these relationships to progress 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:03.440 like that? Is it something you're doing? Is something they're doing? 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:08.400 I don't know. Sometimes, you know, I end things, sometimes 0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:12.240 they end it. Sometimes it just stades away. Um. I 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:15.880 don't know what the problem is, but m M, I 0:14:15.920 --> 0:14:19.920 think that so you seven, you haven't had a serious boyfriend. 0:14:21.160 --> 0:14:22.400 I think that you just have to kind of keep 0:14:22.400 --> 0:14:25.240 taking it slow and just kind of keep trying. I 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:28.000 don't think that there's really going to be any one 0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:29.960 thing that kind of lets you get over that hump 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:33.800 unless there is like some major issue that uh, either 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:35.960 you have or that these guys keep having. But I 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:37.640 think you just gotta keep trying until you find that 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:41.560 right guy. Yeah, I feel like I just haven't met 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:43.760 the right person yet. I don't know. I don't think 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:46.280 you should put the pressure on finding someone that you're 0:14:46.000 --> 0:14:48.560 you're wanting to be in a long, long term relationship with. 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:52.720 I think it should just happen in kind of unfold naturally. Um, 0:14:52.760 --> 0:14:53.840 but I don't know. I don't know what the dating 0:14:53.880 --> 0:14:55.800 pools like in Massachusetts. Could I delf Could I do 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:58.880 a little psychological Delvin because I enjoyed this part. Yeah, 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:01.640 So you say that you're saying that you're you're with 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:03.280 these guys if you must, and that they break up 0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:06.360 with you, and you break up with them, right, have 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:09.440 you had your heart broken or has it always been like, Okay, fine, 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:13.600 I don't think I've had my heartbroken. Now, you've never 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:16.360 really been all in enough on these guys to really 0:15:16.400 --> 0:15:18.680 have it hurt when they break up with you, And similarly, 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:20.640 you don't feel like have you broken their hearts? You 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:24.760 think there was one guy in grad school who I 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:27.320 feel like took it pretty hard, like I wasn't as bad. 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:30.040 But yeah, other than that, not really. So I feel 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:32.160 like you're putting up walls. I think there's a reason 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:34.800 that you're not fully committing to these people, or maybe 0:15:34.840 --> 0:15:37.520 allowing yourself to fully be involved, because if you've never 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.640 had your heartbroken, that means you haven't really fallen in 0:15:40.640 --> 0:15:42.520 for these guys. And yes, it's possibly you just haven't 0:15:42.560 --> 0:15:47.280 met the right guy. But what are your parents still together? No? 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:53.640 What was it? Was it messy? Uh? No? I mean 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:56.640 it was a long time ago. They're both remarried though now. 0:15:57.160 --> 0:15:59.080 But but I'm guessing it was hard on you what 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:03.880 had happened when they split up? Yeah? Yeah, I wonder 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:07.000 if there's something they're like you've seen, You've seen the 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:09.880 pain that can be caused by these relationships and I 0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:12.080 wonder if there's something there that's not allowing you to 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:15.880 go deeper. Yeah, I feel like there's some truth in that. 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:17.960 I feel like we it all goes back to our parents, 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:20.040 Like I feel every way, we're all messed up, and 0:16:20.040 --> 0:16:22.760 it's and I have daughters, and I wonder daily how 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:25.080 I am messing up my daughters because you really don't 0:16:25.120 --> 0:16:27.400 have a choice. You're messing them up in some way. 0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:29.640 It will you'll find out when they're grown up. But 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:32.920 you're doing your best. I'm doing my best every day 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:34.560 and at the end of the most important well, yes, 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:36.840 of course, but it's just you're influenced by them in 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:39.360 so many ways that you don't even realize. And the 0:16:39.400 --> 0:16:41.840 next thing, you know. I mean, my parents are fantastic, 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:43.840 but I know that I have issues because of them, 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:46.840 because we all do. So I wonder if there's something there. 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:48.880 But also I think maybe you haven't met the guy 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:53.080 that's worth kind of jumping off the deep end with. Yeah, 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:56.560 I feel like it's both. Probably, I think I think 0:16:56.600 --> 0:16:58.760 you just need to be patient, wait for that right guy. 0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:01.120 It's not gonna have It's said this, I think times 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:03.960 today it's not gonna happen overnight. Uh, I mean, but 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:05.080 at the end of the day, like, yeah, you could 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:07.960 meet the guy very very soon. But um, have you 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:11.840 heard from that guy from grad school? No, I don't know. 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:14.040 We don't really talk anywhere. Now. I wonder, how wonder 0:17:14.040 --> 0:17:17.439 if that was the one that got away. Maybe I 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:19.680 think the opposite I got away from him. You're happy 0:17:19.720 --> 0:17:23.760 that you're happy. Okay, that's good. Good luck again. I'm 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:25.880 sure it's gonna it's gonna flip and you're gonna find 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:28.040 that guy soon. Um again, just don't put like an 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:30.680 unrealistic expectation on it, and try to be open. Try 0:17:30.760 --> 0:17:32.520 to be open to what they have to offer. And 0:17:32.760 --> 0:17:34.320 like we said to the last caller, we're all just 0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:36.840 looking for somebody who can make us laugh and then 0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:38.760 we want to get in bed with. And if we 0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:40.879 can find that, we can overlook a lot of other stuff. 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:48.000 Nobody's perfect, especially me, especially Deane. All right, Julia, thank 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:50.640 you so much for calling in. Yeah, thank you guys 0:17:50.640 --> 0:17:56.080 so much, really helpful. All right, take care. Hi. Hey, 0:17:56.119 --> 0:17:59.680 this is Dean. How are you good? For you good? 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:01.439 I'm right for for having you on hold there for 0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:03.439 so long. How what's what's question you have for me, 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:08.240