WEBVTT - Help! I’m Struggling With Intimacy After My Divorce 0:00:16.320 --> 0:00:20.040 Hey, everybody, and I do Part two. This is psychologist 0:00:20.200 --> 0:00:24.799 doctor Hillary Culture taking over the pod today. So excited 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:27.160 to be here. I've been on the show a couple 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:31.120 of times, but as a refresher. I am a licensed 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:35.239 clinical psychologist who's done a ton of work in the 0:00:35.360 --> 0:00:39.880 area of relationships. I help couples as well as individuals 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:45.640 in all areas of life before marriage, during marriage, separated, divorced, 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:50.200 high conflict, divorce, any stage of relationship is an area 0:00:50.280 --> 0:00:53.279 that I love to delvin and is part of the 0:00:53.320 --> 0:00:56.680 work that I do. And today I'm extra excited because 0:00:56.720 --> 0:01:00.160 it looks like we're going right in that arena. I'm 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:03.000 going to answer some of your email questions and some 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:08.039 of your voicemail questions, so let's dive right in. We 0:01:08.120 --> 0:01:12.640 have a combo of some listener email questions and some voicemails, 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:16.400 so I'm going to go to my first listener question, 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:20.959 and this one is from anonymous. I want to know 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:25.199 how to stop overthinking the beginning of relationships. I find 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:29.360 myself over analyzing texts, assuming I know someone's intentions before 0:01:29.400 --> 0:01:31.360 they've had the chance to show me who they are, 0:01:31.959 --> 0:01:34.800 and creating a version of them in my head based 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:38.440 on my own fears or past experiences. How do you 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:42.039 stop doing that, stay present and give someone a genuine 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:45.039 chance to show you who they are instead of who 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:49.000 you're afraid they'll be. This one is a good one 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:55.160 and juicy and loaded and so relatable that early relationship 0:01:55.320 --> 0:02:00.200 angst is an inherent part of the risk profile file 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:07.920 associated with entering into a psychological intimate connection with someone, 0:02:08.560 --> 0:02:11.000 and I have a couple of thoughts about how to 0:02:11.080 --> 0:02:15.040 manage it and how to acknowledge that it's part of 0:02:15.080 --> 0:02:20.440 the process. So, starting from where I ended, engaging in 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:24.040 an intimate relationship both physically, emotionally, etc. Does have a 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:28.240 risk profile, and so being able to recognize that part 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:33.680 of it is going to be guiding yourself to accept 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:37.320 that there's going to be nerves involved, there's going to 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:40.440 be fraught feelings involved, and there's going to be moments 0:02:40.440 --> 0:02:43.360 where you're going to feel vulnerable. And so instead of 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:46.680 trying to guide yourself to not feel those feelings, the 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:49.920 question becomes how do I acknowledge those feelings, have compassion 0:02:50.000 --> 0:02:53.120 for those feelings, and manage those feelings, and how do 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:56.840 I want to show up on the back of those feelings? 0:02:57.120 --> 0:02:59.320 And so I think I'm making a really important distinction, 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:03.600 because the edict that somehow you could eliminate those feelings 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:07.000 is to pressure filed. It's more about, Okay, so those 0:03:07.000 --> 0:03:09.880 feelings are here, what do I do with them? And 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:13.840 at the beginning of a relationship, trying to remind yourself 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:18.480 that you don't know someone, that you don't have data 0:03:18.840 --> 0:03:22.520 around them, and that you're really in an investigative kind 0:03:22.520 --> 0:03:26.560 of collective mode and you're trying to gather information about 0:03:26.600 --> 0:03:30.640 who they are, and so trying to extrapolate that data 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:34.920 into making predictions about the future is sort of a 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:39.360 poor use of time and energy. So I would recommend 0:03:39.360 --> 0:03:43.280 two things. One, when the feelings come of fear around 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:46.400 what do they mean? How are they representing themselves? Do 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:48.720 they like me? Do they pick me? Is he going 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:52.120 to call? What does this text mean? Taking a pause 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.160 and recognizing that, like right, some of this is just 0:03:55.400 --> 0:04:02.040 generalized anxiety around the natural hope and potential disappointment that 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:06.280 comes from engaging in the possibility of finding a relationship 0:04:06.880 --> 0:04:12.400 and trying to overanalyze bits of data into making huge 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:15.840 meaning at the beginning of a relationship is like using 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:19.359 I don't know like the onion to get your daily news. 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.360 It's just not a credible source. You need more experience 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:25.479 and more time with someone to make meaning about who 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:28.240 they are and how they feel about you. And the 0:04:28.320 --> 0:04:29.839 other thing I wanted to recommend it this is a 0:04:29.839 --> 0:04:33.960 big one, is that we often find ourselves in relationships 0:04:34.040 --> 0:04:37.240 thinking about how does this person feel about me? Do 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:41.280 they pick me? Are they oriented toward me? Are they 0:04:41.279 --> 0:04:44.680 putting energy into me? And we forget to ask ourselves 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:48.679 how we feel around them, how do they make me feel? 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:53.480 What kind of energy am I getting from them? How 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:55.440 do I feel about how they move through the world, 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:57.440 How do I feel about how they treat me, how 0:04:57.480 --> 0:05:01.240 they communicate with me, how they resolve conflicticked And if 0:05:01.240 --> 0:05:04.680 we diversify our analysis of not just being around how 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:07.239 they feel about us, but being around how we feel 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:11.039 about them, it gives us a sense of empowerment. So 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:16.760 it is a fraud part of a relationship that beginning 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:20.920 so normalizing yet but realizing that you can curate internal 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:25.160 tools so that you feel a little more empowered. All right, 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:29.640 let's see what our next listener question is. This one 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:34.680 is from Lyric and she's talking about her experience around 0:05:34.760 --> 0:05:37.640 divorce and so there are a lot of listeners that 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:40.400 may be able to relate to this. She says, I 0:05:40.440 --> 0:05:44.239 got divorced last year and we've been together since high school. 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:48.600 I immediately got into another relationship after the split, and 0:05:48.680 --> 0:05:52.039 now my current boyfriend is asking what the next steps 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:55.000 are We aren't on the same timeline. Does this mean 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:57.800 our relationship is likely not going to work out? How 0:05:57.839 --> 0:05:59.720 do I tell him I want to go slow with 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:05.760 our hurting his feelings? This issue itself, the question is 0:06:05.800 --> 0:06:11.440 so important, but the answer encompasses more than just this context. 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:15.920 And this really is about one's ability to communicate authentically 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:19.960 and honestly in the context of a relationship. And so 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:22.000 I'll break that down in a moment. But getting to 0:06:22.120 --> 0:06:25.839 her specific, so she was divorced, she quickly got into 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:28.839 a new relationship with lots of people have lots of 0:06:28.839 --> 0:06:32.560 feelings about that. People like to think about whether or 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:37.839 not getting into a relationship quickly is quote bad or okay, 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:41.240 or that there's some clear amount of time that's right 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:45.160 in terms of waiting until one days again after a breakup. 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:49.560 I don't really subscribe to that. I think any experience 0:06:49.640 --> 0:06:54.440 that one has post a fraud relationship can be practice, 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:58.760 can be playful, can be fun. It's really about being 0:06:58.760 --> 0:07:01.839 connected to your own in tensions and your own internal 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:08.320 feeling state, rather than being overly concerned about how other 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:11.760 people are viewing it or what your community is saying 0:07:11.840 --> 0:07:15.360 around timing. But it appears this person gotten to Lara 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:18.560 gotten too a relationship quickly afterwards, and now her current 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:21.440 boyfriend is asking what the next steps are and it 0:07:21.640 --> 0:07:24.360 sounds like he is wanting to move forward more quickly 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:28.440 than she is. Does this automatically mean the relationship won't work? 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.400 The answers, I don't know, and she doesn't know either, 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:33.360 And the reason why she doesn't know is because she 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:37.880 hasn't directly communicated to her authentic feeling state around this. 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:41.160 And this is the key, and this is why this 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:45.040 question is both about the thing, the divorce, and timing 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:49.080 timing posts a divorce, but it's also about communication. It's 0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:53.120 hard to say hard things in relationships, and yet it's 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:57.560 one of the keys to relationships staying dynamic and connected 0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:02.880 and authentic. And so recommendation here is to sit down 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:07.160 with him and say very directly that it appears we 0:08:07.240 --> 0:08:11.720 have different ideas about timing around this relationship and that's 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:15.560 a potential obstacle. It scares me to have this conversation 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:18.240 because I'm afraid it could mean that we'll find we 0:08:18.280 --> 0:08:21.680 can't be together. But nonetheless, I wanted to take the 0:08:21.760 --> 0:08:24.080 risk because I care about you so much and sit 0:08:24.120 --> 0:08:26.680 down and talk about where's your head at in terms 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:29.840 of timing, where my head is at in terms of 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:33.679 my authentic feelings around timing, and is there something that 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:36.800 we can come to that's a mutual compromise that's good 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:39.640 enough for both of us. And so when people talk 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:43.240 about compromise, this is really what it looks like, sitting 0:08:43.240 --> 0:08:48.160 down respectfully, coming from your adult centered place and saying, 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:51.680 where can we come together on this issue that feels 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:54.800 good enough for both of us and feels like a sacrifice, 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:59.439 feels like a compromise versus a sacrifice, compromise versus a sacrifice, 0:08:59.520 --> 0:09:04.360 especially the beginning of a relationship. So she was asking 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:07.680 about how she has this conversation without hurting his feelings. 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:12.199 And it's an interesting way to frame the dilemma because 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:16.160 I think there's a sense that we often have that 0:09:16.240 --> 0:09:19.959 we can be in relationships with others without ever hurting 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:24.080 their feelings or ever disappointing them, and that's not really 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:29.280 a thing we want to do. Communication that's tricky in 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:33.240 a respectful manner, in a digestible manner, But we can't 0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:36.439 operate as if we're never going to disappoint somewhere or 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.960 never going to hurt their feelings. It's really about how 0:09:39.000 --> 0:09:42.640 we say things and how we come together after something 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:50.040 feels divisive or fraud. So my summary is to be gentle, honest, authentic, 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:54.400 and vulnerable and have a real discussion about where there 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:58.280 might be alignment and face the possibility that it might 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.719 not work, but embrace possibility that it might. The only 0:10:01.760 --> 0:10:05.200 way to know is to have that conversation. Lyric, Okay, 0:10:05.200 --> 0:10:08.440 we're going to do one more email. Then after this 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:11.560 I'm gonna pivot to a voicemail. So this one is 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:16.440 from Alisa, and she says, I find myself ruminating on 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:20.600 negative thoughts since my last relationship ended. I'm in my 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:24.000 late fifties, don't have kids, and have been single a 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:28.160 long time. That's in capital letters, the long What can 0:10:28.200 --> 0:10:30.720 I do when I start to negatively spiral so it 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:34.520 doesn't offset my entire day. It's a really good question. 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:37.880 Once again, I can answer the specific question, and it's 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:41.840 sort of based in the realm of relationship stuff, but 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:46.079 the tools I'm going to recommend are useful for any 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:49.480 set of tricky feelings, which is essentially, what do I 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:54.760 do when I'm consumed with negative thoughts that take away 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:56.880 from my day and make it hard to move through 0:10:56.880 --> 0:11:00.600 my day with positivity or momentum. In this case, Lisa's 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.240 really struggling since her last relationship and probably feeling some 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:08.679 sense of hopelessness and sadness and pain around being single 0:11:08.880 --> 0:11:13.480 and what her future prospects look like very real and 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:15.800 so how do we move through a day when we 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:18.640 have very real pain points but don't want it to 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:22.240 consume us? And so I have some very specific notions 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:24.920 around this that I talk about a lot with my clients, 0:11:24.960 --> 0:11:27.680 and that is kind of a twofold process, and I 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:30.760 sort of alluded to this earlier, which is it is 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:35.560 really important when we have negative feelings to not move 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:39.080 away from it, paradoxically, to not suppress it, to not 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:43.400 dismiss it, deny it, minimize it. Why because if we 0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:47.079 do that, we become more symptomatic. What I mean is 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:50.960 that if we suppress hard feelings, eventually they catch up 0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:53.960 with us, and how they catch up with us is 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:59.120 more involuntary, meaning we get agitated, we have trouble sleeping, 0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:03.800 we eat too much, we too little, we overwork, underwork, 0:12:03.840 --> 0:12:07.360 et cetera. There's some way in which we'll have emotional 0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:10.800 rent to pay if we don't safely deal with our 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:16.160 tricky feelings. And so I would recommend facing those feelings 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:21.560 on a daily basis, maybe setting aside some quote worry 0:12:21.679 --> 0:12:25.120 time if it's resonant right, so that like ooh, I 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:27.680 woke up, Maybe a Lisa wakes up and she's feeling 0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:31.240 these really negative feelings and being really gentle with herself 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:34.200 that like, there they are again. I'm feeling that negative sense, 0:12:34.280 --> 0:12:37.640 I feel that foreboding feeling about my day. I'm going 0:12:37.679 --> 0:12:41.000 to really pause and honor these feelings. Maybe I journal 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:44.040 about them, Maybe I sit and think about them. Maybe 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:47.520 I call a safe other, maybe I have a therapy appointment. 0:12:47.920 --> 0:12:50.679 But I find a safe outlet to get them up 0:12:50.720 --> 0:12:53.520 and out. And it's not so much about solving them, 0:12:53.640 --> 0:12:57.080 it's about acknowledging them. I feel lonely, I feel sad, 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:01.560 I feel hopeless about my romantic prospects in the future. 0:13:01.920 --> 0:13:05.880 I'm just sitting with these honest, real, authentic human feelings. 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:10.480 I'm not broken, I'm not flawed, it's just real. And 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:16.760 setting aside concrete time for worried feelings is really healthy 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:20.240 because they don't get stuck inside. I like to recommend 0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:23.960 even putting a timer around it. Maybe we set our 0:13:24.280 --> 0:13:27.200 phone for ten minutes, fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. I wouldn't 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:31.000 recommend more than thirty minutes, like really delving into the 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:34.560 pain and creating sacred space for them. But here's the 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:37.400 part that I think Alisa is mostly asking about, which 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:40.000 is what then so it doesn't consume your whole day, 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:45.280 then being very deliberate, very intentional, but very gentle around. Okay, 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:48.360 so I've set aside time for these worried feelings. I'm 0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:51.800 going to gently urge myself to put them away. Does 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:55.160 that mean they magically disappear? Of course not. And this 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:57.520 is where the work begins, because of course they don't 0:13:57.520 --> 0:14:01.400 magically disappear. But by telling our elves that we're going 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:06.040 to seek to compartmentalize the feelings, we start building new 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:08.959 neural pathways. And this gets like a little tricky, but 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:10.960 let me see if I can break it down. We 0:14:11.040 --> 0:14:15.480 have these neural pathways that repeat quickly involuntarily. We have 0:14:15.559 --> 0:14:17.920 a negative thought, we go all the way to the 0:14:18.000 --> 0:14:20.920 undesired outcome, which is I'm consumed with negative feelings and 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:24.640 feel hopeless. And that's what she's talking about, and that 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:27.560 can make up a pattern of our day if it 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:31.320 goes uninterrupted day after day after day. So we need 0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:34.600 to interrupt the neural pathway so it doesn't travel quite 0:14:34.640 --> 0:14:37.960 so fast and we don't end up at that unwanted 0:14:38.000 --> 0:14:42.360 outcome of feeling like we're consumed and ruminating with negative feelings. 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:45.000 And how we do that is we do different things. 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:48.320 So we put away our feelings after our worry time, 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:51.280 and then we make concrete decisions about how we're going 0:14:51.280 --> 0:14:53.600 to move through the rest of our day, one small 0:14:53.640 --> 0:14:58.080 decision at a time. And I'm a decision neutral, meaning 0:14:58.120 --> 0:15:00.600 whether it means you're going on a walk, you're calling 0:15:00.680 --> 0:15:04.720 a friend, you're going to the store to pick some 0:15:04.960 --> 0:15:08.640 flowers out for your kitchen table, whatever it is that 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.360 you're finding ways to move through the world in a 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:15.320 more expansive way, even if they're small. And when you 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:18.840 start stringing those things together, those neural pathways I alluded 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:21.840 to earlier on as powerful and there's more room for 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:24.560 more feelings. And so it's one of those things you 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:26.360 got to stick with. You're not going to feel better 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:30.400 on day one, potentially, or day five or day fourteen. 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:34.200 Over time, your body will start to recognize that you 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:38.440 have internal resources to combat hard feelings, and that in 0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:44.040 itself starts to make more room for more feelings. So, Alisa, 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:47.360 I honor the feeling state that you're having, and I 0:15:47.400 --> 0:15:50.960 also really encourage you to get as concrete as I 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:54.800 was describing in how you approach it. This is something 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:57.520 if you want things to be different, you have to 0:15:57.560 --> 0:16:00.360 do things differently. If you want things to be different, 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:03.920 you have to do things differently. And it isn't about 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:09.680 how quickly the pivot occurs. It's about the habitual nature 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:23.320 of doing things differently that yields results over time. Let's 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:28.800 pivot to voicemails. Let's start with Greg. 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:33.680 This is Greg from Sarah soa. I'm curious, as a 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:38.720 divorced single man, do you bring up on the first 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:43.600 date that your divorce or usually wait and bring that 0:16:43.720 --> 0:16:46.360 up later in the second or third date. 0:16:46.720 --> 0:16:52.520 Thanks Greg, Thank you so much for calling and asking 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:55.560 that question. It's so nice to hear from a guy 0:16:55.760 --> 0:16:58.760 who's trying to think through how to move through the 0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:02.520 world post di Wars. It can be fraught, and it's 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:06.959 a really good question. And I think there's a bigger 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:12.480 macro question around your micro question, which is like, no, seriously, 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:14.440 do I say the thing or not on the first date? 0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:18.840 And the macro question is what is your orientation towards 0:17:18.880 --> 0:17:23.040 your journey of divorce? Meaning is it one that's fraught 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:28.280 with shame or embarrassment or is it one that includes 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:34.720 kind of acceptance and self compassion and empathy. And divorce 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:37.280 is one of my areas of expertise as well. It's 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:42.520 an incredibly painful, traumatic time and so it's never a 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:47.040 dichotomous answer. There's lots of feelings that people feel around divorce, 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:51.119 but I really encourage you to start deliberately embodying a 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:55.040 sense of self acceptance around it. That divorce is part 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:59.360 of your story and there's pain points associated with it, 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:04.480 but hopefully now there's expansiveness and openness and hope associated 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:07.920 with it as well. As you put yourself out there, 0:18:08.160 --> 0:18:12.760 it appears to look for do experiences and potentially a 0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:16.280 meaningful connection. So I think if you're coming from that 0:18:16.400 --> 0:18:20.120 frame of mind. The question about whether to talk about 0:18:20.160 --> 0:18:23.480 it or not won't feel as fraud if it naturally 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:26.960 comes up in conversation on a first date. I think 0:18:26.960 --> 0:18:30.560 it's absolutely more than fine that you allude to your 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:34.840 experience and where you are in your process, and there's 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:36.720 a good chance that it does. I think on many 0:18:36.760 --> 0:18:40.160 first dates people start talking about their relationship history because 0:18:40.200 --> 0:18:43.680 it's an interesting point of conversation, and I think it's 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:47.720 more than fine and even in power to say, like, yep, 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:51.200 this is where I am. I've been through this, this 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:53.960 is sort of the highlights of what I've learned, and 0:18:54.000 --> 0:18:56.600 you know thematically where I am now and that I'm 0:18:56.640 --> 0:19:00.600 in like a hopeful forward moving place to not feel 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:04.920 like you have to justify or explain. And if for 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:11.159 some reason, someone sort of doesn't feel good about dating 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:15.560 someone who has been through a divorce stating the obvious, 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:19.359 but that's clearly not an alignment and someone that you 0:19:19.400 --> 0:19:22.080 wouldn't want to invest a lot of time in going 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:25.400 through a divorce. While painful, shouldn't be a source of embarrassment. 0:19:26.119 --> 0:19:31.440 Relationships are complicated, and it doesn't make you a bad 0:19:31.520 --> 0:19:35.000 relationship option. If you've made the tough decision to not 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:38.520 stay in a relationship. So thanks for the question, Greg, 0:19:38.520 --> 0:19:50.639 I think it's a really important one. I think we 0:19:50.720 --> 0:19:53.200 have time for one more voicemail. 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:57.440 I have a question. My name is Kelly. I'm wondering 0:19:57.520 --> 0:20:03.040 how you open up to man after a divorce, newly dating, 0:20:03.160 --> 0:20:06.320 or you've been single a long time, probably single a 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:07.560 long time? What apply to me? 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:09.600 And how do. 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:12.919 You become intimate with somebody when you're been single a 0:20:12.960 --> 0:20:17.000 long time and you have had your heartbroken a couple 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:21.199 of times, not necessarily by because somebody cheated, just not 0:20:21.320 --> 0:20:22.399 emotionally available. 0:20:22.920 --> 0:20:26.920 Yeah, Kelly, thank you so much for this question. And 0:20:27.240 --> 0:20:30.160 this is this is a big one. I think one 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:32.640 that a lot of people can relate to, is how 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:36.639 do you guide yourself into a potential state of intimacy 0:20:36.720 --> 0:20:41.080 when you've been hurt before. It's such an existential ask 0:20:41.520 --> 0:20:45.680 because we can't help but sometimes move into a place 0:20:45.720 --> 0:20:51.320 of self protection, and sometimes that's appropriate, but also for 0:20:51.400 --> 0:20:56.840 us to gain access to safe, playful fun intimacy, we 0:20:56.960 --> 0:20:59.560 have to have some degree of openness. So it really 0:20:59.600 --> 0:21:03.560 is a rough analysis, and my answer in some way 0:21:03.680 --> 0:21:08.080 may not feel completely satisfying because there isn't a perfect formula, 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:12.040 but I'm hoping thematically this helps. It's really normal to 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:16.400 feel both. You're both going to feel scared, afraid, vulnerable, 0:21:16.920 --> 0:21:22.520 and hopefully a sense of openness, expansion, possibility, and hopefulness, 0:21:23.160 --> 0:21:26.200 and those are appropriate, especially when you've been in relationships 0:21:26.200 --> 0:21:28.959 that have been painful, and painful doesn't have to mean cheating. 0:21:29.560 --> 0:21:33.280 And so I think you go slow and you build 0:21:33.320 --> 0:21:36.480 a rhythm that is resonant to you. And how do 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:39.320 you know what's resonant to you? It requires a lot 0:21:39.359 --> 0:21:43.679 of mindfulness and it might seem overly contrived or prescribed, 0:21:43.720 --> 0:21:47.240 and that's because it is. But really continuing to ask 0:21:47.280 --> 0:21:50.520 yourself throughout the process, how did that make me feel? 0:21:50.640 --> 0:21:53.480 How did being around this person make me feel? Did 0:21:53.480 --> 0:21:57.439 I feel safe? Did I feel comfortable? How do I 0:21:57.480 --> 0:22:01.760 feel around them? And being able to gauge the level 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:06.280 of connection and intimacy that they were helping to curate 0:22:06.520 --> 0:22:09.320 and that you were experiencing and whether or not it 0:22:09.400 --> 0:22:13.679 felt comfortable or not. Trust your intuition, check in regularly 0:22:14.240 --> 0:22:17.159 and if it's feeling like too much, it's okay to 0:22:17.240 --> 0:22:20.560 slow it down. And what is slowing it down even mean? Right? 0:22:21.480 --> 0:22:24.280 It could mean things as concrete from how often you 0:22:24.320 --> 0:22:28.400 see them, the topics that you're talking about, to how 0:22:28.480 --> 0:22:32.040 much energy you're putting into it in your mind. I 0:22:32.040 --> 0:22:37.800 think a universal relatively universal phenomenon is thinking too much 0:22:37.920 --> 0:22:41.119 about a potential relationship at the beginning and it feeling 0:22:41.280 --> 0:22:46.399 consuming and kind of cultivating feelings of insecurity. So really 0:22:46.480 --> 0:22:51.399 trying to go for emotional diversification so that we're putting 0:22:51.520 --> 0:22:54.679 energy where it belongs. If we've met someone that feels 0:22:54.720 --> 0:22:58.000 compelling and interesting and is starting to feel like a safe, 0:22:58.119 --> 0:23:02.080 interesting place to put time into, great, but also making 0:23:02.080 --> 0:23:06.800 sure there's emotional diversification. We're still spending time with our girlfriends, 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:10.520 our family, our siblings, etc. So that you're not relying 0:23:10.680 --> 0:23:14.280 on one person or one set of experiences for your 0:23:14.320 --> 0:23:17.040 sense of value and purpose. So I think it's a 0:23:17.080 --> 0:23:22.919 combination Kelly, of both being deliberate about the pace and 0:23:23.040 --> 0:23:28.119 emotionally diversifying your experience so your sense of self doesn't 0:23:28.160 --> 0:23:32.520 come from one place and trusting yourself to be able 0:23:32.560 --> 0:23:36.880 to handle if a relationship doesn't work out. And part 0:23:36.920 --> 0:23:39.840 of how we do that is through that emotional diversification, 0:23:39.960 --> 0:23:43.480 and we still have a landscape of people and resources 0:23:43.480 --> 0:23:46.800 and potential experience behind us even if a relationship doesn't 0:23:46.840 --> 0:23:51.840 work out. You guys, thank you so much for writing in, 0:23:52.119 --> 0:23:56.440 calling in, and being so vulnerable in your questions. I 0:23:56.480 --> 0:24:00.399 think it's so helpful for people to put words to 0:24:00.560 --> 0:24:04.640 so many other people's experiences and the realm of relationships 0:24:04.680 --> 0:24:07.720 and just in the realm of managing tricky feelings. So 0:24:07.760 --> 0:24:11.440 it gives us here at the pod an opportunity to 0:24:11.480 --> 0:24:13.480 talk about things that I think are so resonant for 0:24:13.600 --> 0:24:16.240 other people. So thank you so much for writing in. 0:24:18.200 --> 0:24:22.040 Are you finding it hard to navigate your chapter two 0:24:22.720 --> 0:24:26.920 struggling and need some advice? Send us an email or 0:24:27.119 --> 0:24:29.760 leave us a voicemail. All the info is in the 0:24:29.760 --> 0:24:32.879 show notes, and make sure to follow us on socials. 0:24:33.680 --> 0:24:37.320 I do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where falling in 0:24:37.400 --> 0:24:39.240 love is the main objective.