Speaker 1: Hi, everybody. It's the week of July fourth, and I
Speaker 1: would like to say in honor of Independence Day? Is
Speaker 1: that what July fourth? Yes, it is Independence Day. I've
Speaker 1: forgotten because all of our holidays need to be canceled, right,
Speaker 1: like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Speaker 2: I'm sure Flag Day is there's something wrong with that time.
Speaker 1: No, nothing's wrong with Flag Day. Actually, that's a good
Speaker 1: day to have a threesome. I always say, you know,
Speaker 1: it's a three day week it's a three day weekend.
Speaker 1: If it's a three day weekend or it's Flag Day,
Speaker 1: then you can get up to some funky stuff like
Speaker 1: anal or whatever you're into. I love that I invented anal.
Speaker 1: So thank you, Thank you for your gift to the world.
Speaker 2: Chelsea. Do you think that your partner should also be
Speaker 2: your best friend?
Speaker 1: I don't care about any well, I mean I guess
Speaker 1: I don't care. I mean, you know, sometimes that's great
Speaker 1: and sometimes it's not. Ultimately, yes, they have to be
Speaker 1: your closest confidant and like know everything. I mean, you
Speaker 1: don't have to tell them everything, obviously. I think women
Speaker 1: have friends and then they have their spouse. And yeah,
Speaker 1: if you can combine those two but it's very annoying
Speaker 1: when people are like, he's.
Speaker 2: My best friends.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's my best friend. Like I was texting with
Speaker 1: my girlfriend the other day and she's like, I go,
Speaker 1: let me guess, because she took a while to text
Speaker 1: me back. I go hello, Hello. I'm like, shalom, where
Speaker 1: are you? And she writes she's like, sorry, sorry, I
Speaker 1: was cooking, And I said, yeah, I bet you're listening
Speaker 1: to a podcast and you're cooking in the kitchen because
Speaker 1: that's her thing. Yeah, and she goes, and then my husband,
Speaker 1: whose name i'll leave out, she goes. Then he came
Speaker 1: home and just ruined my whole afternoon. And I was like,
Speaker 1: that's the kind of honesty I'm looking for, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's nice to fall in love and have those feelings,
Speaker 1: but I think as you age, it's the closest person
Speaker 1: to you, so do they also need to be your bestie?
Speaker 1: It's a little interdependent.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I think, you know, it's great to
Speaker 2: have a friendship with your partner, but also like you
Speaker 2: should have other best friends.
Speaker 1: Well, yea, you should definitely have a friendship with your partner,
Speaker 1: because that's a problem. A lot of people have where
Speaker 1: they feel like they're in love, but they don't like
Speaker 1: their partner. So it's very important to like your partner
Speaker 1: because without that, then there's that comes with respect, and
Speaker 1: if you don't respect them, then then everything falls apart.
Speaker 2: I feel really lucky. Grew up with a dad who
Speaker 2: was like, women can get anything they want on their own.
Speaker 2: They can get money, they can have their own house,
Speaker 2: they can have their own lives. They can give themselves orgasms,
Speaker 2: but the one thing they can't do is make themselves laugh.
Speaker 2: That's what you should look for, someone who like you,
Speaker 2: dig their vibe and they crack you up.
Speaker 1: Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my Little
Speaker 1: Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We added
Speaker 1: a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so
Speaker 1: that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth, which is my
Speaker 1: favorite day of the week or the year, I guess.
Speaker 1: We added a second show in Boston at the Wang
Speaker 1: Center September twenty ninth and thirtieth is two shows in
Speaker 1: New York. I also have a show in East Hampton,
Speaker 1: New York. August twenty six we added a second show
Speaker 1: in Portland, so Thursday, November tewod Friday November third, and
Speaker 1: Portland November fourth and fifth in San Francisco, two shows there.
Speaker 1: We added a second show in Seattle November tenth and eleventh.
Speaker 1: Two shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the
Speaker 1: Bach Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to
Speaker 1: Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville.
Speaker 1: So I will see everybody at all of these shows.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. Next
Speaker 1: guest is back by popular demand because everybody just loved
Speaker 1: him and his absolute gayness, which everybody appreciates on this show.
Speaker 1: Our gay guests are our highest rated guests. Who knew
Speaker 1: we had just a bunch of what are we called
Speaker 1: when you hang out with gay guys? But we can't
Speaker 1: say that right.
Speaker 3: Flies can't say that either.
Speaker 1: Oh really, fruit flies are out? Okay, so Ravo fans,
Speaker 1: but I don't even watch Bravo, you know what. I'm
Speaker 1: so sick of. I'm so sick of hearing about that
Speaker 1: fucking show with whatever just happened in Maddox and some
Speaker 1: divorce they sent me a break down to explain it
Speaker 1: on social media for all of the people who don't
Speaker 1: watch the show and need to understand what's going on.
Speaker 1: I was like, thank you for this chart graph. Anyway,
Speaker 1: his new special is Availa on YouTube. It's called hair
Speaker 1: Plugs and Heartache, and you're gonna fucking love it because
Speaker 1: everybody loves Mateo Lane. So welcome Mateo Lane.
Speaker 3: Thank you, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be back, having.
Speaker 1: You back your second appearance. Like Juliana Margulis, who's also
Speaker 1: very popular on this podcast, we have had two. She's
Speaker 1: coming back as well. Well, she'll be back for her
Speaker 1: third episode. But I have to tell you, Mateo, so
Speaker 1: much has happened. I have so many men that want
Speaker 1: to fuck you. That's contenting me about fucking you. So
Speaker 1: one of my new friends, a newer neighbor, actually was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, you got to set me up with Matteo.
Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, but I think he's
Speaker 1: kind of into boys his own age. I didn't know that.
Speaker 1: I just assumed I've only seen you out with a
Speaker 1: couple guys, and it seems to be consistent and you
Speaker 1: have a type, and so I let him know that
Speaker 1: he's not it, and he's like, well, could you just
Speaker 1: ask him? And I asked him and then I heard
Speaker 1: the news this morning. I was leaving my house and
Speaker 1: my assistant Casey, I said, oh, Mateo's on the podcast
Speaker 1: because we've recorded Joel Kim Booster yesterday. I love. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: he's pretty solid and uh and he was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so obsessed with Mateo. I go, oh my god.
Speaker 1: Everyone wants to fuck Mateo. And then I found out
Speaker 1: that Mateo has a boyfriend.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: Well, it's it's all very new, but it's I think
Speaker 3: a couple of months, but it's like that it's the
Speaker 3: healthiest thing that I've ever been involved with, Like someone
Speaker 3: who communicates and sees a therapist and understands themselves. And
Speaker 3: I'm like, wow, this feels very healthy. That's new. Usually
Speaker 3: I love hot men that hate me. But he's great.
Speaker 3: He lives in Mexico and he's been in New York.
Speaker 3: I'm in Mexico. We're going Italy together in a couple
Speaker 3: of weeks.
Speaker 1: N So, do you speak Spanish to him?
Speaker 3: I do, well, we speak more English because his English
Speaker 3: is really good, but I do speak Spanish, but I
Speaker 3: have an Italian accent when I speak Spanish, so everyone's like,
Speaker 3: you sound like Mario super Mario. Yeah, oh no, you know,
Speaker 3: pretty embarrassing. But yeah, I'm really it feels very good,
Speaker 3: very healthy. And he also understands, like, I mean, it's
Speaker 3: long distance, but I'm like, anyone who dates is going
Speaker 3: to have to date long distance, right, you know, you know,
Speaker 3: on the road.
Speaker 1: But it's preferable in a relationship. I think it is
Speaker 1: preferable in our day and age. There are so many
Speaker 1: ways to communicate, and the only way to not get
Speaker 1: sick of somebody is to not see them all the time.
Speaker 1: I agree, And it keeps the fire burning, right, yes.
Speaker 3: Yes, but it's nice that so many people you don't
Speaker 3: want to fuck me. I know, I feels good.
Speaker 1: I know. I mean you must be used to that though,
Speaker 1: getting hit on by people's friends or wanting people people
Speaker 1: wanting to set you up with their friends.
Speaker 3: Right, Yes, that happened. That does happen pretty often. But
Speaker 3: you know, I don't know. I'm I kind of just
Speaker 3: I'm on planes, I play video games, then I do shows.
Speaker 1: So how did you hook up with this guy?
Speaker 3: I just started following him on Instagram because he was
Speaker 3: so gorgeous, and then I said him like a hard
Speaker 3: emogi in the heat, like someone Back then we're just chatting.
Speaker 3: It was like casual check. Then it was chatting all
Speaker 3: the time. Then he's like, well, here's my number, and
Speaker 3: then it was facetiming all day.
Speaker 1: Before you saw each other, were facetiming. Yeah.
Speaker 3: And then I met him at the airport in New York.
Speaker 3: And then before I met him, I was like, what
Speaker 3: the fuck? Why did I agree to this? Like some
Speaker 3: strangers come in my home. Now I got to like
Speaker 3: take him around New York. The second I met him,
Speaker 3: I thought, he's going to be in my life for
Speaker 3: a while.
Speaker 1: That's cute. What do you mean you met him at
Speaker 1: the airport?
Speaker 3: Did you picked him up?
Speaker 1: Oh that's old school MATEO. I don't even know how
Speaker 1: to get to the airport.
Speaker 2: When you're meeting someone for the first time. Do you
Speaker 2: like bring flowers? Do you bring I.
Speaker 3: Brought an approaching bar.
Speaker 1: No, Catherine, no one's doing that. No one's bringing flowers
Speaker 1: or hard boiled eggs to the fucking air Thin lives
Speaker 1: in La La Land.
Speaker 3: I love that now, Chelsea. Anytime I'm on a flight
Speaker 3: and I see something like people with their feet up.
Speaker 3: I just text you.
Speaker 1: My dms are so filled with people. They were like
Speaker 1: I was on this flight from Singapore to whatever, and
Speaker 1: look what happened. And I'm like, I want to help
Speaker 1: you people, but I need to stop getting fee in
Speaker 1: my dms. There's a whole There was a New York
Speaker 1: Times article with its flight attendant who said, like, these
Speaker 1: are our requests moving forward, Please honor these things. And
Speaker 1: then one that I thought was interesting was don't recline
Speaker 1: your seat until you asked the person behind you. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, no, I disagree. Disagree. I disagree too.
Speaker 1: So based on what that you can't work. It's not
Speaker 1: like you're lying down into someone's lap.
Speaker 2: Here's the thing. Traveling with a husband who's six foot five,
Speaker 2: even if he's sitting totally up straight, his knees are
Speaker 2: against the person's seat back, and so when they put
Speaker 2: it back, like really hard, it's really painful. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: that's that's.
Speaker 1: What it is.
Speaker 3: Well, I think if I have someone who's six foot
Speaker 3: five sitting behind me, I'll be sure to ask them.
Speaker 3: But usually I was peak right, Well, I think I
Speaker 3: agree with you if everyone has the option to go back,
Speaker 3: because what are you going to say you can't go back,
Speaker 3: but then I can.
Speaker 1: That's it's that argument, Yeah, you can't go back because
Speaker 1: someone too tall is behind you. Also, like, I get it,
Speaker 1: it's actually empathetic and compassionate to do that, but at
Speaker 1: the same time, it's like I have to sit erect
Speaker 1: because you're so tall. I mean, I just like and
Speaker 1: then well, I always think it's so annoying when they
Speaker 1: come over and put your seat back up before takeoff,
Speaker 1: Like why what the fuck is gonna happen when I'm
Speaker 1: reclined in ten degrees during takeoff? Like is the whole
Speaker 1: plane going to blow up? But I thought it was
Speaker 1: interesting that the flight attendants had this whole thing of rules,
Speaker 1: Please don't talk to other people's children, don't yell at
Speaker 1: other people's children, because there was this article that came
Speaker 1: out about South Korea that were doing public spaces, that
Speaker 1: were talking about they wanted to prohibit children in certain
Speaker 1: public spaces, and I was like, even, I think that's
Speaker 1: wrong because they're part of society. Like it's one thing
Speaker 1: to have a restaurant or a club that's no children allowed,
Speaker 1: but not in parks or like public areas. They have
Speaker 1: every right to be there. I don't want to see
Speaker 1: them either, but I don't want to discriminate against children.
Speaker 1: They didn't ask to be fucking born anyway. That's that.
Speaker 1: Back to your relationship, Mateia, when was the last time
Speaker 1: you had a long term relationship? Have you ever?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I did. I've only had two boyfriends, and the
Speaker 3: last one was on and off for four years. That
Speaker 3: was but really on and off. I mean, we were together,
Speaker 3: then we break up.
Speaker 1: So volatile. Would you describe it as volatile? Turbulent?
Speaker 3: It was turbulent. It was a lot of turbulence, and
Speaker 3: I didn't have a seat belt. So yeah, but you know,
Speaker 3: we ended up becoming friends, like him and I stayed friends.
Speaker 1: That's nice.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is the first person
Speaker 3: I've ever dated where I thought to myself, like, oh,
Speaker 3: they also could be a friend. Like when I dated,
Speaker 3: I was always under the assumption like, well, this is dating,
Speaker 3: so like I have to behave a certain way or
Speaker 3: look a certain way. And with him, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 3: we can just be weird and go karaokeing with each
Speaker 3: other and have fun and be silly and I don't care,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So it feels good and isn't it a big difference
Speaker 1: when somebody has gone to therapy, Like obviously, but I
Speaker 1: don't think I would date anyone who hasn't been to therapy.
Speaker 3: It definitely helps because it makes conversations much better, deeper. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I think honesty is key to most of it.
Speaker 3: Just be honest, Like, you know, I felt I was
Speaker 3: always a jealous person, but I realized it wasn't that
Speaker 3: I was jealous, is that I was insecure because my
Speaker 3: partner in the past was doing things on purpose to
Speaker 3: get that out of me in a way to make
Speaker 3: themselves feel more secure. So now with him, like he'll
Speaker 3: be like, oh, yeah, when I dated this one guy,
Speaker 3: and I don't feel a shred of jealousy or like,
Speaker 3: oh that guy's attracted, don't feel a strategy. I'm like, oh,
Speaker 3: that's because he's a good communicator.
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's also the ability to communicate the greatest thing
Speaker 1: about therapy and becoming in touch with yourself is the
Speaker 1: ability to articulate difficult emotions so that when you feel
Speaker 1: insecure or you feel jealous, you're actually able to communicate
Speaker 1: that like this makes me feel this way, instead of
Speaker 1: you know, a ridiculous reaction to that feeling you what's
Speaker 1: your therapy story. How long have you I've been.
Speaker 3: Going to the same therapist for almost two years now.
Speaker 3: He's great. He's gay, which I really like.
Speaker 1: That's probably best, right.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because I had a straight therapist for a minute,
Speaker 3: I would say certain things that he either wouldn't understand
Speaker 3: or he would say, well, you know, just because you're
Speaker 3: gay doesn't mean, like you know, everyone has it. I'm like, no,
Speaker 3: there are some things that are specific.
Speaker 2: It's a worldview thing.
Speaker 3: It's a worldf you think. My friend Joel Johnson is
Speaker 3: a great comic. She was like, you know, I want
Speaker 3: to see a black woman because I'm black, and they're
Speaker 3: going to understand my experiences and it'll just make me
Speaker 3: more comfortable talking about my experiences. She helped me find
Speaker 3: my therapist and I was like, yeah, I feel like
Speaker 3: a gay guy would be I don't have to explain anything.
Speaker 3: And she was like, you should find someone who's gay.
Speaker 3: And he's right. I see him every Tuesday. It's great.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would like I had a gay therapist once.
Speaker 1: I did because my friend was going to him and
Speaker 1: I thought it would be great, and it had no
Speaker 1: impact at all on our therapy, like I mean, it
Speaker 1: was obviously I don't need a straight therapist. I don't
Speaker 1: think I actually like to. I relate to gay men
Speaker 1: a lot too, so I find when you're around a
Speaker 1: straight For me, I become attracted to people when they're
Speaker 1: smarter than I am. So it didn't happen with Dan Siegel,
Speaker 1: thank god, because he's half the size of me, so
Speaker 1: I wasn't going to be attracted to him, and I'm
Speaker 1: you know, he's an older man and he's married, so
Speaker 1: that helped also us not to penetrate. But yeah, I
Speaker 1: like being vulnerable in front of a man for some reason.
Speaker 1: There's like a dynamic there that I respect, probably because
Speaker 1: I feel it's that little girl syndrome where you like
Speaker 1: want someone to take care of you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're in a position of power, and it's sort.
Speaker 1: Of any doctor I want to fuck after they helped me,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, anyone as soon as I like,
Speaker 1: I have to go get an epidural in my neck
Speaker 1: for my slip disc or whatever. My neck is so
Speaker 1: fucking annoying, and I'm going to be attracted to the
Speaker 1: anesthesiologists because they put me under and anytime that happens.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter what that person looks like. As soon
Speaker 1: as they are holding my hand and they're like okay,
Speaker 1: count back from ten, I'm like, I'm I want feelings
Speaker 1: for you. And then you never see them again. So
Speaker 1: it's kind of like the perfect encounter, Like yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: we're going to take a quick bubble bath and we'll
Speaker 1: be right back. We're back.
Speaker 2: We haven't taken a bath in a Why.
Speaker 1: Well, we don't have a bath at this studio. That's
Speaker 1: why it's all showers. Yeah, it's all showers.
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: I tried to take a bath the other night, and
Speaker 1: I was so stoned when I got home. I I,
Speaker 1: this is really not a funny story. It's it's embarrassing,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to tell it. I had a stomach
Speaker 1: flu or a bug or whatever. I had explosive diarrhea
Speaker 1: for three days on the road, and one night it
Speaker 1: was so bad I just kept running the bathroom, grinding
Speaker 1: in the bathroom, and my opener was on stage and
Speaker 1: I was sweating like sick, and I was backstage. There's
Speaker 1: my security guard and then a strange security guard that
Speaker 1: I've never met, just watching me while I'm sitting there
Speaker 1: trying to clench my asshole so that nothing else hts.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, just I have to get on stage,
Speaker 1: because you know, you get on stage and it all
Speaker 1: goes adrenaline takes over you never like that is the
Speaker 1: perfect elixir for any time you're saying get on stage,
Speaker 1: if you get in front of a large, crowded and
Speaker 1: I remember just sitting back and I'm just like this,
Speaker 1: like oh, and then I had the decision do I
Speaker 1: run in the bathroom one more time or she's getting off,
Speaker 1: or do I just go? And because I was like,
Speaker 1: what would happen if I shot my pants on stage?
Speaker 1: Like what would I do? Would I continue? I think
Speaker 1: I would if it's far enough away from everybody. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to.
Speaker 3: Say, Oh, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that the smell obviously would be a problem,
Speaker 1: but I mean I'm always wearing black, so it's like,
Speaker 1: I don't know that everybody would see it. But oh,
Speaker 1: it was just so terrible. Obviously everything went fine. I
Speaker 1: got on stage and then the diarrhea ended the next morning.
Speaker 3: So clip though it is straight when I get on stage,
Speaker 3: if I'm sick, I'm not sick. If I'm never sneezed
Speaker 3: on stage. I don't cough. It's like everything becomes everything phrases.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true. A dreynonline is a powerful tool.
Speaker 3: Well good, Next time I have explosive diarrhea, I'm running
Speaker 3: to the comedy seller.
Speaker 1: Take a zou fran that's actually good for really Yeah,
Speaker 1: zofran is good for nausea and diarrhea. Oh, I found
Speaker 1: out the hard way. I already use I'm going to
Speaker 1: Africa for the summer, and I've already used half of
Speaker 1: my drugs that are Africa for now because oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm having all of the illnesses and I'm supposed to
Speaker 1: have an Africa already. I'm like, can I get a
Speaker 1: refill on that zip bro.
Speaker 2: Well. Our first question actually comes from Josephine. Dear Chelsea.
Speaker 2: I'm in the process of combining lives with my boyfriend.
Speaker 2: He feels like my forever person, but we've run into
Speaker 2: a few speed bumps in combining finances. My partner loves
Speaker 2: to travel and he loves to shop. He makes a
Speaker 2: good bit more money than me, so he's starting to
Speaker 2: travel without me a lot and planning more trips in
Speaker 2: the future solo because he can afford to go. I'm
Speaker 2: happy for him, or at least I really want to be.
Speaker 3: Is she? Because she's writing us, how happy could she be?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: When you travel a lot, So I thought this was
Speaker 2: a good question for you. We're currently trying to start
Speaker 2: a family, buy a house, and plan for a small wedding,
Speaker 2: so all my finances feel tied up in the future.
Speaker 2: So I'm choosing to save money rather than push my
Speaker 2: budget to join his travels. I'm trying to find fulfilling
Speaker 2: ways to spend my time when he is away, but
Speaker 2: I can't stop thinking about how much money he's spending
Speaker 2: seeing the world alone. The question am I short changing
Speaker 2: myself by not asking my partner to give up a
Speaker 2: few experiences now for our future together? Should I drop
Speaker 2: all of it because I want him to be happy
Speaker 2: and I don't want to fight about money or attempt
Speaker 2: to control how he lives his life. Is it okay
Speaker 2: that I feel sad and that I'm getting left behind
Speaker 2: for trying to be responsible with my money. Should I
Speaker 2: just say fuck it and spend all my money traveling
Speaker 2: with him? Or should I get a third job so
Speaker 2: I can save money and travel and not feel as
Speaker 2: sorry for myself that I can't do it all, Josephine.
Speaker 1: Don't get a third job, Like, why would you do
Speaker 1: that if you don't have to?
Speaker 2: I think out of this, Kay, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: I'm suspicious of the amount of traveling this game exactly
Speaker 3: do alone?
Speaker 1: Who is he traveling with? If he's not traveling with
Speaker 1: her by.
Speaker 3: Apparently by himself, he's just going to Croatia by himself.
Speaker 3: That's I would also be I'm like, Okay, who are
Speaker 3: you meeting? Who you hanging out with? What are you
Speaker 3: doing alone? Like, I don't want to travel alone.
Speaker 2: You want to be with your person, if you have
Speaker 2: a person, If you have.
Speaker 1: A person, and also he should want to be with her,
Speaker 1: and like wait until she has the money or save
Speaker 1: the money together, or be generous enough to say, I've
Speaker 1: got this trip for you. You know what I mean? You
Speaker 1: can come. I know you can't afford it right now.
Speaker 3: Maybe plan less trips, but with trips that you can
Speaker 3: afford to bring her along. Wouldn't that be what you
Speaker 3: want to do? Yes?
Speaker 1: But I would say, also, you're planning a small wedding.
Speaker 1: This is good information for you to have before you
Speaker 1: get married to somebody, because what's going to happen when
Speaker 1: you get married. Is he going to continue to go
Speaker 1: on trips by himself?
Speaker 3: Is he going to do his honeymoon alone? Yeah, I'm
Speaker 3: going to go to Vietnam alone.
Speaker 1: And I also, just like, you know, this whole co
Speaker 1: mingling thing of finances. I just don't understand why once
Speaker 1: you get with somebody that it shouldn't be just like
Speaker 1: a shared pot of Like not that you share all
Speaker 1: of your money with each other, but like what do
Speaker 1: we our expenses together? And in the areas where somebody
Speaker 1: needs help, the person who's making more money should be
Speaker 1: willing to help that person. It's your partner. You're supposed
Speaker 1: to spend your life with this person. It's going to
Speaker 1: be sometimes you're going to have more of an advantage financially,
Speaker 1: and sometimes he's going to have more of an advantage financially,
Speaker 1: So you're both gonna have to scratch each other's back
Speaker 1: at some point. But when you're with somebody that you love,
Speaker 1: that shouldn't even be an issue. It's not like you
Speaker 1: should give all your money away to a stranger. But
Speaker 1: I'm saying, like, be conscientious about your partner's needs and
Speaker 1: wanting to be together. You're supposed to be a couple,
Speaker 1: so I don't know. He kind of sounds like an asshole.
Speaker 3: But he really does selling an ass It's like, I'm
Speaker 3: going to take trips by myself and I'm not going
Speaker 3: I love that. Like, what's her deal with the relationship
Speaker 3: that she was like, should I feel bad? Yeah, I
Speaker 3: write this letter to Chelsea Handler, you should feel bad.
Speaker 3: I would feel bad for you. My boyfriend's like, I'm
Speaker 3: taking trips all by myself, bye bye. I'd be like, okay, okay,
Speaker 3: I'll be home playing angry birds, Like you don't want
Speaker 3: me to come with it all? Are we to local
Speaker 3: shit together?
Speaker 1: I think when you're in a relationship that's like that,
Speaker 1: it's totally fine to go on a trip or two
Speaker 1: by yourself or with your friends, of course, but not
Speaker 1: as a regular thing. That's kind of like very inconsiderate.
Speaker 2: The fact that she's taking all of the responsibility of
Speaker 2: saving for their future on herself. I don't love this.
Speaker 3: Is she communicating she you know what she needs to do.
Speaker 3: She needs to communicate this to him and be like, hey,
Speaker 3: instead of going to Zimbabwe, maybe stale.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And also, who is in Zimbabwe that you're seeing. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I know that this is also like get in front
Speaker 2: of a couple's counselor because he might have some like
Speaker 2: backlash of like, wow, I'm just doing my thing and
Speaker 2: why would you want to staple me?
Speaker 1: Good point, he should, Well, they're gonna have to split
Speaker 1: that one. But also I think you know, when you
Speaker 1: see things that make you not feel good about yourself,
Speaker 1: you have to pay attention to those, especially before you
Speaker 1: marry someone, because those things usually just intensify once that
Speaker 1: deal is settled. Like if in the courting phase people
Speaker 1: aren't on their best game, things are only going to
Speaker 1: get more comfortable and less lax as you go forward.
Speaker 1: So like, I think you should really address this, and
Speaker 1: a counselor would be a great idea. Or you can
Speaker 1: just tell him to go fuck himself. But it sounds
Speaker 1: like you like him.
Speaker 3: So how would he feel if she went on a
Speaker 3: trip without him.
Speaker 1: I'm sure he would say he's fine with that, no problem,
Speaker 1: because he knows it's not a real actuality, Like it's
Speaker 1: probably not going to happen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a real big
Speaker 2: red flag. Josephine and go take into a counselor well,
Speaker 2: our first caller today is Read. He is in Ecuador
Speaker 2: and he is in the Peace Corps. He is twenty four.
Speaker 2: Reid says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a committed relationship
Speaker 2: with my boyfriend for over a year and I'm totally smitten. However,
Speaker 2: I moved to Ecuador in January, giving us a fourteen
Speaker 2: hour time difference. And he'll tell you more about this.
Speaker 2: But his boyfriend is in South Korea, and of course,
Speaker 2: because we're in our twenties, we decided that we should
Speaker 2: try an open relationship to grapple with the distance. Since then,
Speaker 2: I've hooked up with a few people here and there,
Speaker 2: but no one really excites me like my boyfriend, and
Speaker 2: I've recently stopped seeking out other people all together. My boyfriend,
Speaker 2: on the other hand, has been, let's just say, very busy. Recently,
Speaker 2: I've become overcome by emotions of incredible jealous money. It
Speaker 2: appears as though he's unable to go out with his
Speaker 2: friends and not go home with somebody. We had intimacy
Speaker 2: problems before the distance, and I know that my insecurity
Speaker 2: is stemming from those problems. Make it harder for me
Speaker 2: to be at peace while he's having fun. I also
Speaker 2: think it's odd that he doesn't get jealous at all
Speaker 2: and actively wants me to hook up with other people
Speaker 2: like fight for me anyway. I want to cut off
Speaker 2: the open part of our relationship, but I don't want
Speaker 2: to gate keep his self discovery and experimentation as he's
Speaker 2: somewhat newly out of the closet and into the gay scene.
Speaker 2: What should I do? Clever? Sign off?
Speaker 3: Read Hi, Read Hi, read Ola Ola Ola?
Speaker 4: Come much done? How are y'all?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're gonna do this.
Speaker 3: That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen. That look
Speaker 3: like a measuring cup for baking.
Speaker 1: You've never had coffeeidor that's how they serve.
Speaker 2: Excellent.
Speaker 1: I had a beer last night for dinner. I fucking
Speaker 1: enjoyed that beer. But it has to stay cold.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2: It's a good when it's very hot out. Are you
Speaker 2: been doing yard work? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Have you been doing yard work the Peace Corps? Are
Speaker 1: you gonna answer?
Speaker 4: I did sign for yard right now?
Speaker 1: No, good for you. That's nice that you're in the
Speaker 1: Peace Corps. Good boy. I love that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you, thank you so well.
Speaker 1: Matteo is a registered gay man so I'm going to
Speaker 1: let him start with this, and because you have more
Speaker 1: experience in.
Speaker 3: This, yeah, I think that. So you guys are in
Speaker 3: an open relationship. And it's interesting because a lot of
Speaker 3: gay people are queer people will tend to go back
Speaker 3: and forth like I'm open or no, we're like monogamous,
Speaker 3: And I think breaking the rules and doing whatever we
Speaker 3: want is the benefit of being gay is that we
Speaker 3: don't have to follow the same rules of society. But
Speaker 3: that doesn't necessary. I mean, it still works for you. So,
Speaker 3: like I understand that you're saying like, Okay, well we're
Speaker 3: separate and this is the healthy thing to do and
Speaker 3: blah blah, But if you're already starting to run into
Speaker 3: issues that are affecting you emotionally, then I think it
Speaker 3: would be time to have a conversation with your partner
Speaker 3: and be like, you know, I know this is something
Speaker 3: we agreed on, but I'm feeling a certain kind of way.
Speaker 3: Do you want to stop fucking everyone you see in
Speaker 3: South Korea? Or you know? Because I just feel like
Speaker 3: I have friends who literally clean the house for the
Speaker 3: other person's grinder appointment. He's like their boyfriend's like, oh,
Speaker 3: I can clean in the house, He's got a grinder
Speaker 3: date and then I'm getting out of here. Well, I
Speaker 3: think that's great. I don't work that way. I work
Speaker 3: better in monogamy because I'm maybe because I'm obscure, I
Speaker 3: don't know, but I'm sensitive. So I think it just depends.
Speaker 3: And if would you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship,
Speaker 3: did you do the open relationship because you felt that
Speaker 3: was the right thing to do to keep him?
Speaker 5: I definitely would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship
Speaker 5: for sure.
Speaker 4: I didn't do it because I felt like that was
Speaker 4: how I would keep him.
Speaker 5: I did it because, you know, there's a lot of
Speaker 5: distance where continents away, there's a massive time difference. I
Speaker 5: can only talk to him in the morning or at night,
Speaker 5: and so you know, like there's also like certain needs
Speaker 5: and things that happen, and so like it just was
Speaker 5: a logical step for me. It wasn't necessarily in fear
Speaker 5: of the relationship falling apart.
Speaker 3: Now, when is the next time you guys will be
Speaker 3: with each other?
Speaker 4: Eight It depends.
Speaker 5: So I'm in Ecuador until twenty twenty five, Oh my god.
Speaker 5: And he doesn't have a real immediate path back to
Speaker 5: the US because he was deported, So we don't really
Speaker 5: know when we'll be in the same country again, though
Speaker 5: hopefully he'll come and visit me sometime in.
Speaker 1: August or September so he can visit you. How long
Speaker 1: can he come to Ecuador for.
Speaker 4: I mean, it depends on his work, schuess and everything.
Speaker 4: It would only probably be for like two weeks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, it was very generous of you a
Speaker 1: to just like open up your relationship when that's not
Speaker 1: really your kind of predisposition. You know, that was nice
Speaker 1: of you to do. And all you can do is
Speaker 1: be honest. I think that's all you can do with
Speaker 1: any relationship, because you have every right to be want
Speaker 1: to be monogamous, and he has every right to want
Speaker 1: to be, you know, not monogamous, have lots of different
Speaker 1: lovers and experience, and especially since you said he's to
Speaker 1: write out of the closet, all you can do is
Speaker 1: have an open conversation with him and said this is
Speaker 1: how I'm feeling. I mean, it's not like a deal breaker,
Speaker 1: but I just want you to know. I mean, have
Speaker 1: you said anything like this yet.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we had a conversation kind of shortly after.
Speaker 5: Actually, I wrote the email to you all, and I said,
Speaker 5: I was like, I don't really know if this is
Speaker 5: working for me right now. I don't really know how
Speaker 5: I feel about the open component of what we've got
Speaker 5: going on. And when we started the open relationship, we
Speaker 5: kind of had a rule. It was like, if somebody
Speaker 5: wants to close the relationship, we have to close it.
Speaker 5: And so I kind of indicated that that I wanted
Speaker 5: to close it. But then he said, okay, fine, like
Speaker 5: I understand, we made that agreement that if one of
Speaker 5: us wants to close, the other one has to agree.
Speaker 5: So he acquiesced. But then he kind of also said
Speaker 5: at the same time, I'm also like really exploring myself.
Speaker 5: I'm learning more things about my sexuality as I'm out
Speaker 5: here meeting different men and you know, immersing myself into
Speaker 5: the gate community and gay scene in a different way.
Speaker 5: And I also don't want to lose that. So then
Speaker 5: I kind of backtracked and said, Okay, well, I understand
Speaker 5: where you're coming from, and I don't want to as
Speaker 5: I mentioned the email, I don't really want to gate
Speaker 5: keep your self discos and your experiences. So I again
Speaker 5: kind of just like let him essentially win the conversation
Speaker 5: for that reason.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like when people need space or time,
Speaker 1: you should give them double even if it comes to
Speaker 1: a point where you kind of like he should definitely
Speaker 1: come visit you, if and when that's possible. But I
Speaker 1: think you should look at the relationship as like a
Speaker 1: maybe instead of everything right. Hopefully he'll circle back around.
Speaker 1: He has to sew his oats. Everybody has to get
Speaker 1: that out of their system at some point, and it
Speaker 1: sounds like that's what he's doing. And I think as
Speaker 1: long as you if you can tolerate that and giving
Speaker 1: him the space you know, you should do that. And
Speaker 1: if you can't, and if you get to the point
Speaker 1: where it becomes really unbearable for you or untenable because
Speaker 1: of where you are emotionally, then you should also just say, like, listen,
Speaker 1: I really care about you and I do not want
Speaker 1: to limit you at all, but why don't you go
Speaker 1: do your thing. I still would love you to visit me,
Speaker 1: but let's not have this label as we're in a relationship.
Speaker 1: You know, that way, it doesn't feel like such an
Speaker 1: affront with him hooking up and that way, maybe when
Speaker 1: you guys do reconnect, it will be a reminder of
Speaker 1: why you guys were in a relationship in the first place,
Speaker 1: and so much will have been under the bridge at
Speaker 1: that point that maybe he will have sown his oats
Speaker 1: and been satiated in that regard and wanting to get
Speaker 1: into a normal relationship. But I would only send the
Speaker 1: relationship if you get to a point where it's just
Speaker 1: really not pleasant for you. I think it's very unsustainable
Speaker 1: what you're describing, as young as you guys both are,
Speaker 1: with that time distance, with everything up in the air,
Speaker 1: and not knowing when he's going to be able to
Speaker 1: really like get out of there permanently or come live
Speaker 1: with you or whatever you're you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: It's just it's a young love and it doesn't sound
Speaker 1: very practical or sustainable.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it feels like, you know, something that might work
Speaker 2: really well is when you're together, you're together exactly what
Speaker 2: Chelsea's describing, and when you're a part, you're apart, but
Speaker 2: you like know that you're in love. I know, this
Speaker 2: is the worst thing you can say to someone who's
Speaker 2: twenty four and in love, but people come back together if
Speaker 2: they're meant to be together. You know, I really do
Speaker 2: believe that.
Speaker 1: What's that saying, though, saying when I let someone go,
Speaker 1: if they fly away.
Speaker 3: If that's the Maria lyrics from Butterfly.
Speaker 1: Let it fly, fly, fly away, and if.
Speaker 3: It comes back, it was meant to.
Speaker 1: Be, and if it doesn't, it was never yours to
Speaker 1: begin with. I listen, nobody respects Mariah Carey more than
Speaker 1: I do. I care.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know what My suggestion is, just listen to
Speaker 3: Mariah Carey's Butterfly album and over and over again, and
Speaker 3: you'll find all of your answers there. Okay, not win
Speaker 3: in DOWB.
Speaker 1: So how do you so? I mean, you seem like
Speaker 1: you're okay. You don't seem devastated emotionally or anything like that.
Speaker 4: At Ebbs and Flows.
Speaker 5: I wrote my letter to the podcast when I was
Speaker 5: really in my feelings about it, because there had been
Speaker 5: like a couple issues, Like there was like an STD scare,
Speaker 5: there was him kind of being not super communicative, and
Speaker 5: so there were problems at the time when I wrote
Speaker 5: the letter, And like the last week or so since
Speaker 5: then has been like a lot better and I feel
Speaker 5: a lot more comfortable and secure with where we are currently.
Speaker 3: How long have you guys been together for.
Speaker 5: We've been dating for about fifteen months over a year.
Speaker 3: Like you're like one of those mothers that has like
Speaker 3: a seventeenth month year old child, and instead of saying
Speaker 3: one and a half, you're like, yeah, any other eighty
Speaker 3: five months?
Speaker 5: Well, because I don't know, yeah, yeah, sure, you're like
Speaker 5: fifteen months.
Speaker 3: Not that I'm counting.
Speaker 1: It's what were you going to say before? Mitteo is
Speaker 1: so rudely interrupted you.
Speaker 5: The last week, so I felt more secure in what
Speaker 5: we've got going on. But I know he's out partying
Speaker 5: right now, yeah, because the time different. So it's like
Speaker 5: four am in Soul and I know he's out with
Speaker 5: the guy he like soak up with, and he normally
Speaker 5: texted me good night, and he hasn't text me good night,
Speaker 5: So I'm like, what the fuck? But that's just me
Speaker 5: like getting into my own head and like being bound
Speaker 5: by like the insecurities of stuff that's happened in the
Speaker 5: past and all these other things. I'm trying to rationalize
Speaker 5: my emotions when I feel like I should just be
Speaker 5: able to feel them.
Speaker 3: It really doesn't sound great.
Speaker 1: It doesn't sound great. Here's what I want to say
Speaker 1: to you. I understand everyone has been through this. You're jealous,
Speaker 1: and you're looking at the phone and you're when are
Speaker 1: they gonna call? What are they gonna text? Are they home?
Speaker 1: Who are they with? You're in the Peace Corps, You're
Speaker 1: doing a lot of great shit on your own. I
Speaker 1: really would urge you to just kind of try to
Speaker 1: redouble your efforts towards yourself and not obsess. I know
Speaker 1: it's harder to do than to say, but it is
Speaker 1: a practice, like anything, to not obsess over what he's doing,
Speaker 1: because it's really nothing you can control and you know that,
Speaker 1: and focus on your efforts on what's happening with you
Speaker 1: down there in Ecuador and the people that you're surrounding
Speaker 1: yourself with. That's a once in a lifetime thing. You're
Speaker 1: never going to get this time back, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, So better to have it spent being present
Speaker 1: and meeting guys down there.
Speaker 5: You know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just because you had sex with a couple guys
Speaker 1: that didn't interest you, that doesn't mean that no one
Speaker 1: in Ecuador will interest you.
Speaker 5: Yeah, But I do think that's also a bit of
Speaker 5: the issue I've been having too, is like I'm living
Speaker 5: in like a little bit of a smaller city there's
Speaker 5: not a lot of people around the more rural and
Speaker 5: so my options just as a gay man in general, I.
Speaker 3: Mean, yeah, it looks like you're calling me from like
Speaker 3: the back of a shed, love shed. That's a lot.
Speaker 5: Literally, I'm like in a house like right off the highway. Yeah,
Speaker 5: it's like there's just like I am living in a
Speaker 5: smaller area. There's not a whole lot going on. There's
Speaker 5: not a lot of options for me, even like if
Speaker 5: I wanted to get out there and like see other people,
Speaker 5: have sex, other people, whatever it is.
Speaker 4: It's rather limited.
Speaker 5: Where he's in like a major metropolitan city, he's able
Speaker 5: to live his twenties in a better way.
Speaker 3: What's the biggest city near you?
Speaker 4: Quito is about four or five hours away.
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, you can't just kid.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would say you get some really fucking good
Speaker 1: books and start educating yourself even further. You know, you're
Speaker 1: obviously a responsible, caring individual, and I would say to
Speaker 1: spend that time really filling your brain up, because nothing
Speaker 1: works as escapism to me like a book does, and
Speaker 1: especially when you're down there in this kind of different
Speaker 1: part of the world. There's so much to learn in
Speaker 1: their books that they have available there just about that
Speaker 1: whole about all of South America, Like you could be
Speaker 1: filling yourself up with knowledge and occupying your time so
Speaker 1: that you're not looking at your phone, you're not spending it,
Speaker 1: and also make some guardrails for yourself that you're not
Speaker 1: checking your phone, you know what I mean, give yourself
Speaker 1: a couple of those crucial hours where you're waiting for
Speaker 1: him to check in where you don't look. You just
Speaker 1: have to get off of the habit and fill yourself
Speaker 1: off in other ways. And I'm not talking about seeing
Speaker 1: it so just I mean, I am, I am. Of
Speaker 1: course that's always an option, but if people are few
Speaker 1: and far between, figure out other ways to entertain yourself.
Speaker 1: And the last time you spend on your on your phone,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, well find a nice girl entertain DA would
Speaker 1: be so proud. Oh yeah yeah right, yeah, you're like dad,
Speaker 1: I met a woman. She's an Ecuador. We're together. It's over.
Speaker 1: My gayness is over. It's stopped. It's it flew away
Speaker 1: like a butterfly. Sorry that you're feeling this way, but seriously,
Speaker 1: you're awesome. You're handsome, you're smart, you're fun, and you
Speaker 1: have a good vibe. Going. Don't let someone else kind
Speaker 1: of take out your joy and you know, for life
Speaker 1: and learning and growing.
Speaker 3: Also, does he party every single day?
Speaker 1: Sounds like it.
Speaker 5: No, it's not like an every night thing. No, but
Speaker 5: like a couple of times a week. And I just
Speaker 5: like he's going out. I know where he's going. I
Speaker 5: still have friends in the city, right, so like they
Speaker 5: see him out, Like some of them will like texting
Speaker 5: being like yo, I saw your man tonight doing X,
Speaker 5: Y and C.
Speaker 3: Well, then you need to tell them to stop texting
Speaker 3: you about. You got to put an end to that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's not fun to s Did you used to
Speaker 1: live in South Korea?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I lived there last year after I graduated college.
Speaker 1: Oh what brought you there? Or took you there?
Speaker 5: I should I didn't want to get a real job,
Speaker 5: so I taught English there for a year. I'm an
Speaker 5: anthropology student. Oh cool, I'm going to go back to the
Speaker 5: level and.
Speaker 4: Get a PhD anthopology.
Speaker 5: So I just like traveling, seeing different cultures, studying different people,
Speaker 5: things like that.
Speaker 4: So it was just a good fit. That's why I'm
Speaker 4: doing the peace could Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what a good book I just read
Speaker 1: on Cuba was called Cuba and American History by Ada Ferrar.
Speaker 1: If you're looking for a good.
Speaker 4: Book, awesome, Yeah, that'll keep you look into it.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, good luck to you. Yeah, I would luck
Speaker 1: works out with you and just you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Remember to focus on yourself. You're the most important thing
Speaker 1: in this equation. You have to make sure that you're
Speaker 1: happy and all of the good things.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree. I agree with that.
Speaker 2: Well, keep in touch, okay, read and don't hit your
Speaker 2: hat when you stand up.
Speaker 5: Okay, I actually I actually did before I got on
Speaker 5: the call.
Speaker 4: That's so funny.
Speaker 1: I was like, is that a thatched roof? And then
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, it's actually.
Speaker 5: Would Yeah, too much beer in this giant mud.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll keep drinking. That's the one thing you should
Speaker 1: continue to do as well.
Speaker 3: There we go.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, take carried all.
Speaker 4: Right, Well, thank you so much. Nice meeting your eye.
Speaker 3: And is me.
Speaker 1: It's so interesting being gay, Like I just would never
Speaker 1: be down with an open relationship. I wonder what my
Speaker 1: limitations are because obviously monogamy is not sustainable. It's very
Speaker 1: hard to stay with somebody for longer. For now that
Speaker 1: people are living so long, it's just not natural, right.
Speaker 3: I just know, I mean, and I don't know. I
Speaker 3: think everything has to be a little bit like alcoholics anonymous.
Speaker 3: It's day by day. You just got to go day
Speaker 3: by day with a relationship. I think the second you
Speaker 3: set all these expectations for years and years into the future,
Speaker 3: it's just natural for people to want to break those
Speaker 3: rules and not feel confined. But really, and it's crazy,
Speaker 3: Like some of my best friends, I have gay friends
Speaker 3: who just they're so like open, like, oh, I have
Speaker 3: an extra boyfriend. We all hang out together and da
Speaker 3: da da da. So it depends on how you establish
Speaker 3: your relationship. And if you establish your relationship on trust
Speaker 3: and a good foundation, maybe that works. It doesn't work
Speaker 3: for me. But I'm also Italian, so yeah.
Speaker 1: But I also don't want to fuck a bunch of
Speaker 1: guys like I. If I'm in love with someone, I
Speaker 1: just want to fuck that person, Like I've never had
Speaker 1: the desire. Maybe I've never been in a relationship long
Speaker 1: enough to have the desire to have sex with other
Speaker 1: people because usually when I got out of a relationship,
Speaker 1: but I don't want any sex for a long time,
Speaker 1: it's like back the fuck off.
Speaker 3: That's not a healthy way to go. Then when you
Speaker 3: get out of a reallylationship and you're just sleeping around
Speaker 3: like calling all your.
Speaker 1: Exes, Yeah, that's I remember that. That's very young behavior
Speaker 1: when you get broken up with or you break up
Speaker 1: with someone and you want to go out to have
Speaker 1: revenge sex because nothing makes you feel worse than having
Speaker 1: sex with somebody you don't give a shit about. True,
Speaker 1: it makes you feel so lame, like you're not getting
Speaker 1: that's not fun.
Speaker 3: I felt bad for I mean, to be honest, that
Speaker 3: situation sounds horrible.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound horrible, but it doesn't
Speaker 1: sound like it's gotten to last. He's not holding on tightly.
Speaker 1: But you know, obviously when someone's kind of trying to
Speaker 1: be free, you can't hold on to them. You got
Speaker 1: to let them do their thing.
Speaker 2: And a fourteen hour time distance alone is like just
Speaker 2: as I.
Speaker 3: A six hour time difference, And that was hard enough,
Speaker 3: you know, because at like five pm, that's it. I'm
Speaker 3: not talking to him anymore. He's asleep, so it's in
Speaker 3: the rest of my night it's alone. You have to
Speaker 3: catch back up in the morning. It can be hard.
Speaker 1: I used to have a boyfriend who lived in New
Speaker 1: York and I lived in LA and he would call
Speaker 1: me when he got home at night, but it would
Speaker 1: be like three four in the morning. He owned a
Speaker 1: bunch of bars and restaurants at LA, so he was
Speaker 1: always out fucking partying and probably cheating on me. And
Speaker 1: I was so insecure in that relationship, and I just
Speaker 1: was like I would always be there, Like I'd wake
Speaker 1: up in the morning and check my phone and make
Speaker 1: sure that did he text me? Could I did he
Speaker 1: call me? Did he try? You know? And if he didn't,
Speaker 1: it was a huge fucking argument and it was so exhausting,
Speaker 1: like relationships like that age you you know, because you're
Speaker 1: not acting like your best self. You're not even acting
Speaker 1: like your real self because whoever like triggers you. And
Speaker 1: it's really no one's fault. It's not his fault, because
Speaker 1: I mean it was because he was lying about everything.
Speaker 1: But you know, if he had told me the truth,
Speaker 1: I was like, if you could just tell me the truth,
Speaker 1: then I could make my own decision about whether or
Speaker 1: not I want to participate in this.
Speaker 3: But alse you're spending all your time worrying and getting
Speaker 3: jealous and getting anxious, like all this energy could be
Speaker 3: put towards us to working towards a common goal, right
Speaker 3: and right now it's about him covering up and me
Speaker 3: worrying about it. It's like, not a I don't understand.
Speaker 1: That you could spend all that time masturbating actually, which
Speaker 1: is what my two friends who are staying with me
Speaker 1: from Canada are doing at my house right now. I
Speaker 1: just would like to make a public service announcement that
Speaker 1: my two friends are here visiting. But I get a
Speaker 1: lot of shit sent to my house and a lot
Speaker 1: of vibrators sent to my house. Whether they're from Goop
Speaker 1: or Whoop Do Do Woop, I don't know where. There
Speaker 1: are vibrators everywhere, and they're all in a box upstairs
Speaker 1: because my bell knows that I don't jerk off with
Speaker 1: a vibrator. I just don't. And these girls have charged
Speaker 1: all my vibrators and have been jerking off NonStop in
Speaker 1: my house.
Speaker 3: An earth square because your house is sha so much.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this morning, my friend's like, buddy, that was the best.
Speaker 1: That is the best vibrator. You should try it. I'm
Speaker 1: like the one you just used. You want me to try?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 1: Thank you?
Speaker 2: From you know, there's a little bowl. I mean We'll
Speaker 2: be down with that.
Speaker 1: I've never seen anything like it, such a positive masturbation community.
Speaker 3: I have a joker. I'm like, I'm so tired of masturbating.
Speaker 3: It's like I'm thirty six. I feel like I'm running
Speaker 3: an errand sometimes I lie to myself. I pretend to
Speaker 3: be my own wife, and I'm like, not.
Speaker 1: Tonight, Hut, I have a headache.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, our next caller, Olivia, wanted to talk about an
Speaker 2: ex that's been texting her. So she says, Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 2: I'm a twenty nine year old lesbian and I've been
Speaker 2: married to my wife for two years and I've known
Speaker 2: her for eight years. My problem is dealing with my
Speaker 2: first girlfriend, whom I dated ten years ago. As you
Speaker 2: can imagine, your first girlfriend as a woman is very special.
Speaker 2: That said, my ex has continued to want a friendship
Speaker 2: with me. We made amends a couple of years ago
Speaker 2: after she reached out to me wanting to restart our friendship.
Speaker 2: Knowing we were both in relationships. We all began hanging out.
Speaker 2: The more we hung out, the more I realized I
Speaker 2: felt weird hanging out with my ex, and it got
Speaker 2: to the point where I needed to end our friendship.
Speaker 2: After a long day and night of drinking, I got
Speaker 2: the courage to tell her that the friendship was difficult
Speaker 2: for me and I didn't want any part of it. Well,
Speaker 2: my wife overheard the conversation and we haven't spoken to
Speaker 2: them since. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for the
Speaker 2: I miss you texts anymore and the friendship was over.
Speaker 2: My now wife and I got engaged a few months
Speaker 2: after the incident, and we've been happily married for two
Speaker 2: years and are in the process of starting a family.
Speaker 2: I haven't thought twice about my ex until recently. I
Speaker 2: received a long text from my ex over two weeks ago,
Speaker 2: and it was the standard I miss you with a
Speaker 2: sprinkle of were meant to be in each other's lives.
Speaker 2: The moment I read it, I got very angry and
Speaker 2: wanted to respond to tell her please leave me alone,
Speaker 2: but I didn't and haven't. Now I feel like an
Speaker 2: asshole for ghosting. I want nothing to do with her,
Speaker 2: but I'm not sure what to say.
Speaker 1: Olivia, Hi, Olivia, Hello, Hi, this is Matteia Laine, our
Speaker 1: special guest today.
Speaker 3: Yes, hello, Hey, how are you good?
Speaker 2: Hi?
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with you blowing off
Speaker 1: your ax. I mean, it's not appropriate anymore for you
Speaker 1: guys to have a relationship for it. Sounds like multiple reasons.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I agree. I just wasn't sure because you know,
Speaker 6: there's a whole talk about ghosting people and it's like disrespectful,
Speaker 6: So I wasn't sure if I should at least just
Speaker 6: say something.
Speaker 3: I think it's disrespectful for her to not respect your boundaries.
Speaker 3: If you had to explain to her multiple times that
Speaker 3: you don't feel comfortable with the relationship with her, and
Speaker 3: she's still send you those messages, then you're allowed to ghost.
Speaker 3: I think ghosting is only rude if you've not communicated
Speaker 3: how you feel to that person, and you have so
Speaker 3: you don't need to.
Speaker 1: It's actually not even ghosting. Ghosting is when you're in
Speaker 1: a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden they
Speaker 1: disappear without any explanation. You've already given her an explanation, correct, Yes,
Speaker 1: So how many times do you want to repeat yourself?
Speaker 1: Can't you just block her at this point?
Speaker 6: Yeah? Yeah, and I have, like throughout the years, I
Speaker 6: would block and then unblock, you know, not that whole
Speaker 6: toxic thing.
Speaker 1: But well that's stupid. Just blocker and be done with it.
Speaker 1: Just blocker and be done with it. Meeting her in
Speaker 1: your life. It's an ex girlfriend. They don't be sentimental
Speaker 1: about it. It's over. It doesn't work with your new relationship.
Speaker 1: That's more important in your life, right, your new relationship,
Speaker 1: So fuck it. Don't worry. You don't owe her any explanation.
Speaker 1: You already told her. Say I'm done with you, miracle
Speaker 1: ear that's your last text, and then block her.
Speaker 3: I like how we're getting a very Natalie and Bruglia
Speaker 3: like music video.
Speaker 1: She's on the floor like where everyone's so good looking
Speaker 1: that calls.
Speaker 3: It everyone My god.
Speaker 1: I keep saying that, and it just sounds like we're biased.
Speaker 1: But no, I just can't live how good looking everyone is.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we have great but yeah, I think that you're
Speaker 3: just you don't want to leave the situation with the
Speaker 3: impression of like, I'm a bad person. But you're not
Speaker 3: a bad person. But you also can't allow people to
Speaker 3: just walk over you if they text you, If you've
Speaker 3: explained how you feel and she doesn't respect that, you
Speaker 3: have every right to stop them from entering your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it sounds like this, like the rekindling of
Speaker 2: the friendship stirred ups and things, and obviously, like I
Speaker 2: caused a rift, like you talked about with your with
Speaker 2: your now wife, Do you want to talk a little
Speaker 2: bit about like the shame and stuff that brought up
Speaker 2: for you, I know, especially today and talking about this
Speaker 2: whole thing.
Speaker 6: Yeah, Yeah, it was like kind of even hard to
Speaker 6: connect to this call. I felt really shameful after it
Speaker 6: had happened, just because you don't want someone who you
Speaker 6: love to kind of like overhear this conversation that's so
Speaker 6: personal with someone who you're not in love with, but
Speaker 6: it's just kind of this like necessary conversation that needs
Speaker 6: to happen, And so yeah, I just was really embarrassed
Speaker 6: about it, and we spoke about it. I went to
Speaker 6: therapy and got over that. And obviously we're married now
Speaker 6: and we're planning to have a family.
Speaker 3: And how many cats do you have?
Speaker 6: One?
Speaker 1: Okay, you're gonna need to get another one.
Speaker 2: He won't like that. Yeah, Yeah, I just think you
Speaker 2: don't need to have any shame about this.
Speaker 1: I think you expressed I don't even understand what your
Speaker 1: shame is about towards your new wife for having the
Speaker 1: conversation with your ex girlfriend.
Speaker 6: No, the whole situation that happened with my ex and
Speaker 6: my wife overhearing the conversation.
Speaker 1: Oh no, that's that's like, yeah, don't don't feel shame
Speaker 1: and don't self immolate, like everyone is so hard on themselves.
Speaker 1: You're married, you're happy, you have a cat to go
Speaker 1: to the park.
Speaker 5: You know.
Speaker 3: Well, she's also giving way too much credit to her
Speaker 3: ex's already.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: You can't manage her feelings and your wife's feelings and
Speaker 3: your feelings all at the same.
Speaker 1: Time, especially when she's not respecting your wishes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you're and there's a there's a reason you're
Speaker 2: not with her and you're with your wife now, who's
Speaker 2: like someone who obviously loves and respects you. I think tonight,
Speaker 2: in order to like get over some of these feelings,
Speaker 2: I think, make your wife a really nice dinner, have
Speaker 2: a romantic evening. I think you need to just say
Speaker 2: I'm absolving myself of any negative feelings around this and
Speaker 2: just like have a wonderful candle at dinner tonight.
Speaker 6: Okay, Okay, we'll do we'll do that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and play positive music, yes, yeah, Like Natalie and Brulia.
Speaker 2: All right, Olivia, thank you so much.
Speaker 6: All right, thank you all so much.
Speaker 2: Bye bye.
Speaker 1: Was Olivia in Ecuador too?
Speaker 2: I think so? I told her. I'm like, these are
Speaker 2: lesbian problems, like lesbian's always say.
Speaker 1: It seems to definitely have different problems, especially to gay men,
Speaker 1: because lesbians are more monogamous than gay guys.
Speaker 3: Right, Oh, yeah, you know the joke, right, well, stand
Speaker 3: a joke. What does lesbian bring on a second date
Speaker 3: her apartment? Yeah, you haul pretty much. But what does
Speaker 3: a gay bring on a second date? Oh?
Speaker 2: I don't know this part.
Speaker 3: What second date?
Speaker 2: I like that? Well, why don't we take a quick
Speaker 2: break and we'll be back. I have two kind of
Speaker 2: shorter questions. But there's some internet drama afoot.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, oh i'd like to I like the usage
Speaker 1: of a foot. Okay, we'll be right back later in
Speaker 1: a minute with our feet and we're back.
Speaker 2: We're back.
Speaker 1: Katie says, Hey, this is Katie courrct she almost every week?
Speaker 3: Is it really Katie? Correct?
Speaker 2: She does love you, she loves you very much.
Speaker 1: No, it's not Katie.
Speaker 3: Oh I would have lost my mind.
Speaker 2: This is dear Chelsea. My name's Katie. I'm twenty six
Speaker 2: years old. My husband of less than a year and
Speaker 2: I met in twenty sixteen, and three months later I
Speaker 2: was pregnant with our now almost five year old son.
Speaker 2: We were very toxic for a long time. He has
Speaker 2: issues with substance abuse and I had untreated mental illness.
Speaker 2: It was a recipe for disaster. We broke up for
Speaker 2: two years, and then in twenty twenty we ended up
Speaker 2: getting back together with a mutual understanding and agreement that
Speaker 2: we would consciously engage in a healthy relationship. A big
Speaker 2: thing for me is trust, and part of trust to
Speaker 2: me is having access to each other's phones. Not in
Speaker 2: the type of way that I obsessively go through his phone,
Speaker 2: but I want to know the password. Before we were married,
Speaker 2: I had my own fingerprint on his phone and he
Speaker 2: knows the password to mine, and we both had full
Speaker 2: access to each other's phones. Then one day after we
Speaker 2: were married, he decided to change his password and remove
Speaker 2: my fingerprint. He still has access to my phone. He
Speaker 2: says he has nothing to hide, and as far as
Speaker 2: I know, he's never cheated on me. But even if
Speaker 2: I pick up his phone, he immediately grabs it from me.
Speaker 2: It bothers me it makes me feel like he's got
Speaker 2: something to hide. I wouldn't even have a desire to
Speaker 2: look at it if I didn't feel like he was
Speaker 2: hiding something from me. What should I do just keep
Speaker 2: going as if nothing's wrong? Or should I make this
Speaker 2: a big deal? Katie?
Speaker 1: My opinion is I hate when people look through each
Speaker 1: other and I find that to be so going.
Speaker 3: To step it. I think that your phone is your
Speaker 3: own business and to want to go through someone else's
Speaker 3: phone is unhealthy and insecure. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And yes, it's troubling that he now doesn't want you
Speaker 1: to go through his phone after he's given you carte
Speaker 1: blanche access to it up until now. Then there's that
Speaker 1: side too, where it's like, yeah, it does sound like
Speaker 1: he's up to something. And at the same time, I
Speaker 1: hate when people go through each other's phones. It's just
Speaker 1: such small behavior. So I don't know what to say
Speaker 1: to that. I don't know. I mean, yeah, he does,
Speaker 1: So why would he change her fingerprint all of a
Speaker 1: sudden and then jump every time she grabs the phone?
Speaker 1: That is kind of a red flag. So now that
Speaker 1: the Pandora's box has been opened, like, yeah, you got
Speaker 1: to find out what he's up to. But I would
Speaker 1: also say, like to anyone who's listening, like, do not
Speaker 1: start a relationship where you have access to each other's phones.
Speaker 1: Why is that necessary? You're starting out of mistrust Like
Speaker 1: that is You're always going to find something you don't like.
Speaker 1: He could be doing something as stupid as watching porn
Speaker 1: and he doesn't want you to see that.
Speaker 2: You know, Yeah, it could be like very normal porn.
Speaker 2: I mean, like brand and I have access to each
Speaker 2: other's phones. We like know each other's passwords, and I
Speaker 2: might grab his phones, like look something up on the
Speaker 2: internet if mine is not nearby, and he is fine
Speaker 2: with that. To me, I'm sort of like, if there's
Speaker 2: not an issue, if there's nothing to hide, why not
Speaker 2: you know, why why the need to hide it? But
Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess people can be embarrassed about
Speaker 2: things that are not red flags.
Speaker 3: You know what, You're probably right, Chelsea. I think it
Speaker 3: might just be something small, as like porn. You know,
Speaker 3: it doesn't necessarily not everything has to lead to their
Speaker 3: cheating on me. But it sounds like she has a
Speaker 3: little bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. She wants him
Speaker 3: to be cheating on her and to make and to
Speaker 3: meet that end. And I don't know if that's her
Speaker 3: enjoying the drama or she likes she hasn't dealt with
Speaker 3: any trauma or whatever that is if you're trying to
Speaker 3: replace something and get to a point where that that's
Speaker 3: where you end up, because I think that does happen,
Speaker 3: But it's.
Speaker 1: Another element of control. Like looking through someone's phone, wanting
Speaker 1: to know who they're talking to and what they're doing
Speaker 1: it every second of the day is not your fucking
Speaker 1: business unless you're sign these twins like that is not
Speaker 1: your pion and like you need autonomy as people because
Speaker 1: you're not attached to someone. You can be in a
Speaker 1: relationship with somebody, but that doesn't mean you own that
Speaker 1: person and you can control that person's behavior or thoughts.
Speaker 1: The whole point of being in a relationship is you're
Speaker 1: bringing two people together. So I just think like starting
Speaker 1: a relationship out like that way with you just move
Speaker 1: just your phone, Like it's so dumb. Yeah, it's like
Speaker 1: you want to hold through my phone, look through it,
Speaker 1: but you're gonna find something that's going to piss you off.
Speaker 1: If you're that fucking paranoid in the first place.
Speaker 2: Right, Like, I don't have a desire to go through
Speaker 2: his phone or like look in his Instagram, DMS or
Speaker 2: his text messages because I'm not worried about it.
Speaker 1: More on that later. Anyway, I'm in trouble guys anyway.
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess we helped you, but I don't know, honey,
Speaker 1: So I but I would, Yeah, I guess find out
Speaker 1: now that you've find out, what is it? What's in there?
Speaker 2: So you think she should like try to get act I.
Speaker 1: Guess, yeah, they're married, right, Like.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just want to know now, just for curiosity,
Speaker 3: so she can report back and let us know what
Speaker 3: she didn't find.
Speaker 2: Katie, let us know about the clown porn that you find.
Speaker 3: It's going to be like the al Capone Like they
Speaker 3: found his like that they opened that door and there
Speaker 3: was nothing inside. Do you remember that in the eighties,
Speaker 3: they were like, oh my god, we found al Capone's
Speaker 3: like hide away. What's going to be inside? They had
Speaker 3: all these cameras live TV. They opened it up empty.
Speaker 3: But we always assume there's something on the other side
Speaker 3: of that door. Yes, and it's just boring porn.
Speaker 2: Well, our last question today comes from d slightly similar question,
Speaker 2: you're Chelsea. Recently, my boyfriend of one year took me
Speaker 2: to the store because he said he had a surprise
Speaker 2: for me. He led me to the bathing suit section
Speaker 2: and said he wanted to buy me a new bikini.
Speaker 2: He said he had a specific one in mind. He
Speaker 2: then explained he had seen it on Facebook on a
Speaker 2: woman he went to high school with, and the style
Speaker 2: of bikini really made him think of me. Then he
Speaker 2: proceeds to pull up a picture of this gorgeous woman
Speaker 2: who looks about twenty five years old with huge boobs
Speaker 2: and a tiny waist. He casually says that she's single
Speaker 2: and always posts selfies. He hasn't talked to her in ages,
Speaker 2: but thought he could reach out to her and see
Speaker 2: where she got the suit. I could see the message
Speaker 2: quickly as he scrolled through the picks of the scantily
Speaker 2: clad babe. He complimented her by saying she looked great,
Speaker 2: and then asked where she got the bikini because he'd
Speaker 2: liked to buy one for his girlfriend.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, at what point when she was writing this
Speaker 3: did she not say to herself, I can save myself
Speaker 3: the time and break up with him.
Speaker 1: My god, the.
Speaker 2: Bikini was pretty basic and just FAI am in my
Speaker 2: forties and my boyfriend is in his fifties. This woman
Speaker 2: went to high school with him. Kudos to her for
Speaker 2: aging gracefully or using filters anyway, I thanked him for
Speaker 2: the surprise, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.
Speaker 2: What is yours and Catherine's take on this, I'm curious, sincerely.
Speaker 1: D Yeah, no, D. He sounds like a total toolbox.
Speaker 1: The whole story is so stupid and so convoluted.
Speaker 3: Yes, I was gonna say it's convoluted the fact that
Speaker 3: he's like this girl that was a high school with
Speaker 3: Then I thought him, and I thought about you, but
Speaker 3: I thought we should go to the store. And it's like, what,
Speaker 3: she's got a bikini?
Speaker 1: And so I d mented her and texted her, where
Speaker 1: did you get your bikini? Because I want to get
Speaker 1: one from my girlfriend. Sounds like he was trying to
Speaker 1: fucking hook up with that girl. What are you doing?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 2: Like, I don't know would he have been that open
Speaker 2: with her about.
Speaker 1: It if he was just so dumb, like, you don't
Speaker 1: need the same exact fucking bikini. There are a million,
Speaker 1: I think suits out there that would be and it's
Speaker 1: similar to whatever.
Speaker 3: And it sounds like he's digging himself out of a hole.
Speaker 3: He's giving way too much explanation. All he had to
Speaker 3: do was without her by the bikini and say, you
Speaker 3: know what, I think he would look really hot in
Speaker 3: this and move it along. You don't have to say
Speaker 3: this girl went to high school with and this and that.
Speaker 3: But I think whatever, it's like what, you're insane.
Speaker 2: I don't know if it's breakappable, but like, this guy
Speaker 2: sounds like a dummy.
Speaker 4: It's not.
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, but he just sounds like such
Speaker 1: a yeah, like a dumb ass, like a doe. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean men are so stupid sometimes. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: just sometimes embarrassing. Well, I'm just trying to give them
Speaker 1: some credit.
Speaker 2: Oh please, Well now that we've solved that.
Speaker 1: Well that was easy, yes, pie, I mean I don't
Speaker 1: think we really fucking helped anybody today. But uh no,
Speaker 1: heavy lifting over here.
Speaker 2: We maybe broke reads hard. I do feel a little
Speaker 2: bad about that.
Speaker 3: But what are you gonna do in Ecuador? We didn't
Speaker 3: do anything. His boyfriend, who's everyone that moves.
Speaker 1: He's twenty four years old. He's going to be fine.
Speaker 1: Can it be going to recuperate way before he knows it. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: well thanks for being here again today, Mattea, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for having Metayo and I are going to
Speaker 1: go eat some food now. I'm going to take him
Speaker 1: to lunch as a reward for being on the podcast. Bye, guys,
Speaker 1: we'll see you next by.
Speaker 2: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 2: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 2: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
Speaker 2: and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and
Speaker 2: be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot
Speaker 2: com