Speaker 1: Believe it or not, I used to suffer from performance anxiety.
Speaker 2: Well, believe it or not, sometimes I still suffer from
Speaker 2: performance anxiety.
Speaker 3: But what matters is how you overcome it.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass. Wow, it all started with real talk, unfiltered,
Speaker 1: honest and straight from the heart. Since then, we've gone
Speaker 1: on to become Webby award winning podcasters in New York
Speaker 1: Times bestselling authors.
Speaker 2: Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us. It
Speaker 2: was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable.
Speaker 1: Be raw, or but most apportly be us.
Speaker 2: But as we know, life keeps evolving and so do we,
Speaker 2: and through it all, one thing has never changed.
Speaker 1: This is.
Speaker 3: Because we got a lot to talk about, all.
Speaker 1: Right, storytime, So I'm gonna tell y'all the moment I
Speaker 1: realized I had performance anxiety. And afterwards then we can
Speaker 1: discuss how I was able to overcome it. But I'll
Speaker 1: never forget this day.
Speaker 3: The earliest moment.
Speaker 1: This is the earliest moment that I remember, and I
Speaker 1: remember I remember saying, like, what's going on? But it
Speaker 1: was sophomore year of high school. I was playing playing
Speaker 1: JV basketball. Was the first time I ever had a
Speaker 1: chance to start. Freshman year, I played basketball in high school.
Speaker 1: I was on the bench the whole time. Mister Brown
Speaker 1: was a basketball coach. He was like, you need to
Speaker 1: learn how to play basketball, and he just like sit.
Speaker 1: So I'm sitting there watching, sitting there watching. Second year
Speaker 1: comes in. It's coach Velasquez, right, and she's a brand
Speaker 1: new coach. And I had gotten way better. I had
Speaker 1: been practicing with my cousin Sean. I had been outside
Speaker 1: in the park and I had At this time, there
Speaker 1: was no performance classes, no speed agility classes. This is
Speaker 1: nineteen ninety nine, right, So now I'm getting ready to
Speaker 1: go try out for the sophomore basketball team. Make the team.
Speaker 1: They start doing everything. I'm a starter, I'm the starting
Speaker 1: point guard. Then the first game is about to hit,
Speaker 1: and up until that point, everything was fun, Everything was cool,
Speaker 1: everything was good, like you know, everybody's oh yeah, we
Speaker 1: about to be good. Da da da da da. Then
Speaker 1: we go into the weight room before the game, we
Speaker 1: all have our warm ups on coaches talking to all
Speaker 1: the starters, and I remember one of the young freshmen
Speaker 1: was just like, Yode, I can't wait to watch you play,
Speaker 1: like you're gonna be good. And it hit me in
Speaker 1: that moment that everybody there was coming to watch you
Speaker 1: me play. And then I went and sat on the bench.
Speaker 1: My stomach got real queasy. I sat on the bench
Speaker 1: and I let my head rest back on the bench,
Speaker 1: and then all I did was wake up. I fell asleep.
Speaker 1: Didn't realize that I had fell asleep. And then I
Speaker 1: woke up, and I was like, and coach, just go,
Speaker 1: let's go to Valaces go to Vale. And I was
Speaker 1: only sleep for maybe like five minutes, but my central
Speaker 1: nervous system felt real low, and when the game started,
Speaker 1: I was like like dragging like behind. And then midway
Speaker 1: through the second quarter, I sat down on the bench
Speaker 1: and I didn't know what was going on because everything
Speaker 1: was like blurry and everything was kind of like happening,
Speaker 1: and everything seemed real loud, and I remember Coach Alaska
Speaker 1: was like, yo, yo, wake up, are you okay? And
Speaker 1: I remember everything going like whoa, And I breathed, and
Speaker 1: I said breathe. I was sweating because and I wasn't
Speaker 1: like playing. I was sweating, and I remember my body
Speaker 1: got real cool, and I breathed and I went back
Speaker 1: in the game, and then the rest was history. I
Speaker 1: was able to like I breathed and I calmed my
Speaker 1: central nervous system down and I played fine. I didn't
Speaker 1: play as good as I wanted to the first game,
Speaker 1: but then the second game, I knew that this was
Speaker 1: gonna happen. So rather than go lay down on the bench,
Speaker 1: I sat up and I just kept breathing, and I
Speaker 1: made sure that my body calmed down, and I played
Speaker 1: well a second game. But that was the first time
Speaker 1: I realized that I had performance anxiety.
Speaker 2: Interesting when we come back, I'll tell you mine. Okay,
Speaker 2: all right, time of karaoke.
Speaker 1: Yes, karaoke, and we were trying to figure out what
Speaker 1: we were going to sing. Yeah, but seeing this how
Speaker 1: to Win the Wicks, seeing this how to KNX just
Speaker 1: won the championship, it only feels right to sing this song.
Speaker 3: That's a fact.
Speaker 1: I got a honeyd guns and honey clips. I'm from
Speaker 1: New York. I gotta send me auto manic that spits
Speaker 1: the time you two and I know, shout out Fat Joe,
Speaker 1: JD Kiss. Who else is on that song? Joe Jady Kiss,
Speaker 1: fab fabuls that No, Fat Joe, what a time to
Speaker 1: be in New York has been.
Speaker 2: Going, That's all I've been hearing that. Of course, the
Speaker 2: Empire state of mind?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Is it another one?
Speaker 1: What's another one? This from from New York that we
Speaker 1: hear all the time?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 4: Shoot, one more, the one with Camon jay Z. Yes, Yes,
Speaker 4: welcome to New York City.
Speaker 5: Yeah, Welcome New York City.
Speaker 1: Those three yeah, those three heavy rotation, shout out to
Speaker 1: New York.
Speaker 2: I mean that said, I'm not from New York. But
Speaker 2: now I understand why she was on stage with jay Z.
Speaker 2: And it was little and and it's just the pride
Speaker 2: that us New Yorkers hash little Mama, So I love
Speaker 2: her down what was.
Speaker 4: Going through mine?
Speaker 6: You get on with jay Z.
Speaker 5: It's the pride.
Speaker 1: Remember, she had just lost her she had just lost
Speaker 1: her grandmother. I believe her mom. She was going through
Speaker 1: you know, she was grieving. But this was also a
Speaker 1: moment where two people who she looked up to the most.
Speaker 1: It's Alicia Keys and jay Z. She's a rapper, and
Speaker 1: you know, like, these are two people from New York
Speaker 1: who was singing this song. And I guess she just
Speaker 1: had the feeling in the moment. And you know, but
Speaker 1: I mean New Yorkers, I can't I can't say I
Speaker 1: wouldn't do it, because if I was in the garden
Speaker 1: and that and they won that championship. I'd have been
Speaker 1: up there just like this too. They'd have been escorting
Speaker 1: my body guard too, like you're not supposed to be up.
Speaker 5: There with you, but I don't right, Josh would have
Speaker 5: been right there behind him, Nick.
Speaker 1: Josh might get kicked out of the garden.
Speaker 3: Josh there, You would have been there.
Speaker 1: Yoah should have seen how Josh was screaming at me
Speaker 1: and Jackson when they want bro It's like he wanted.
Speaker 5: The first person that they called like that.
Speaker 2: That was it was little like they won and two
Speaker 2: seconds dated Jackson jobs, apologies, I love it.
Speaker 1: Shout out to New York for real.
Speaker 2: Let me take Let's take a break and we're gonna
Speaker 2: come back with the meat of the show.
Speaker 5: But before that, or Op or no oh, I.
Speaker 3: Can't speak today.
Speaker 2: We're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna be
Speaker 2: back with op or no op.
Speaker 3: So stick around.
Speaker 2: All right and we're back. I'm gonna toss to my
Speaker 2: girl trips.
Speaker 7: I will say, little Mama has the confidence that I
Speaker 7: wish I had. You know, if I had the confidence
Speaker 7: little mamad that night, I could do anything. Literally, So
Speaker 7: I like threads. I'll be on threads all the time.
Speaker 7: And I saw a video somebody reposted of some guys
Speaker 7: on a podcast, and the caption that they posted was,
Speaker 7: twelve grades with the option for college ain't enough make
Speaker 7: Mike's expensive. That's what they said, because at twelve age,
Speaker 7: twelve grades, twelve grades with the option for college ain't
Speaker 7: enough make Mike's expensive. That was the caption because in
Speaker 7: the video there's a man saying, women say they're willing
Speaker 7: to die for their kids.
Speaker 8: They do anything for the kids, they're willing to die from.
Speaker 7: But as soon as the baby daddy cheats, you leave
Speaker 7: them and break up the family. How you gonna be
Speaker 7: willing to die for your kids, Well, you won't make
Speaker 7: that sacrifice.
Speaker 1: That's a hilarious correlation.
Speaker 5: How did we get there? How did he arrive there?
Speaker 8: I don't know.
Speaker 7: You know, people post things out of context, but that
Speaker 7: was the clip, that was all I saw.
Speaker 1: I think it's funny. I think he was I think
Speaker 1: he was trying to be funny.
Speaker 8: You think so he looked like he was dead serious.
Speaker 1: Whether he was trying to be serious or not, it's
Speaker 1: hilarious if you just think to the juxtaposition, right, I'm
Speaker 1: willing to die for my kids, but I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: stay with this nigga.
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's what he's saying, right right right.
Speaker 1: Think about it. It's hilarious. I give you really think God.
Speaker 2: Death anyway, so it kind of equates to the same
Speaker 2: thing essentially.
Speaker 3: That's crazy.
Speaker 1: I think it's a funny comment. I think he's just
Speaker 1: trying to be funny.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just funny, trying to have it land on the podcast.
Speaker 2: So we have a conversation.
Speaker 5: What's your take on it?
Speaker 8: What's my take?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 7: I wonder like how far are you willing to go? Like,
Speaker 7: or how far do you expect your partner to go
Speaker 7: for you? Like, when you get in a relationship with somebody,
Speaker 7: do you really think like, oh, I can hurt them
Speaker 7: one time and they'll forgive me because they really love me.
Speaker 7: And if they don't forgive you, are you really gonna
Speaker 7: be salty? Because I know some people who fucked up
Speaker 7: in their marriage. They thought it was gonna be cool
Speaker 7: and it wasn't cool, and they was salty for a
Speaker 7: long long time. And I'm like, damn, I mean, you
Speaker 7: probably shouldn't have fucked around and found that out right.
Speaker 7: That's a crazy thing to find out, but I don't
Speaker 7: know because I don't. I also don't necessarily think that
Speaker 7: I've never been married, so maybe I would feel differently,
Speaker 7: but I don't necessarily think infidelity is a deal breaker.
Speaker 7: I'm a very like open person in my relationship. So
Speaker 7: if you if we're dating and you want to date
Speaker 7: other people, we can actually have that conversation. But if
Speaker 7: I had kids, I don't think I would do anything
Speaker 7: simply for my.
Speaker 8: Kids, especially if stay in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I feel you. I don't disagree with that. I think
Speaker 1: it's intent and impact, Like would you and you said
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get into this relationship and if I cheat
Speaker 1: one time, she can't get mad. If that's your mindset,
Speaker 1: then she should lead.
Speaker 3: I was about to conceived into That's.
Speaker 1: What it feels like. Your intent was to cheat. If
Speaker 1: that wasn't your intent, then the impact is different. You
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. The intent matters to people. If
Speaker 1: that wasn't your intent to hurt my feelings and have
Speaker 1: me deal with it, we can work through it. But
Speaker 1: if your intent was to hurt my feelings, and because
Speaker 1: I'm with you, I should just deal with it because
Speaker 1: it was only one time. No, I'm out of here.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. The intent and the impact
Speaker 1: have to have some genuine or care for the other person.
Speaker 1: If it doesn't, if it's so for seeing them out.
Speaker 1: But his take on the fact that you said you're
Speaker 1: willing to die for your kids, but you want to
Speaker 1: deal with a nigga cheating is funny. It is like,
Speaker 1: it is funny.
Speaker 3: It is funny. It's pretty clever. Yeah, it's clever and
Speaker 3: crazy at.
Speaker 2: The same time, because it's really not willing. Brought that
Speaker 2: up in an argument with a woman. I'm imagining what
Speaker 2: would that look like like real life scenario?
Speaker 1: Hilarious, you said you was willing to die for these
Speaker 1: kids actually one time a bad mother. That's exactly what
Speaker 1: it wouldn't it be.
Speaker 7: And that's a real great way to gaslight somebody because
Speaker 7: I feel like argument I would have to stop and
Speaker 7: think about that first.
Speaker 1: Well, it's the greatest gas lighting I saw was on
Speaker 1: Yolan Yolanda van zand listen, listen, man I tried.
Speaker 4: At all.
Speaker 1: So Yolanda, Okay, a woman on there with two daughters
Speaker 1: and an ex husband, and Yana had this family on
Speaker 1: there and the daughters were going to the mom and saying,
Speaker 1: we're upset at you because you told us that our
Speaker 1: dad sexually assaulted us and abused us, and it turns
Speaker 1: out that he didn't. Why did you lie?
Speaker 7: You know? What?
Speaker 1: Her respond was, he should have fought harder to tell y'all.
Speaker 1: To t y is the biggest guess that I've ever
Speaker 1: seen in my lif She's straight faced. You ain't fight
Speaker 1: hard enough to tell him the truth? And excuse me,
Speaker 1: she was like, if he really loved his daughters, he
Speaker 1: would have felt harder to make sure they knew the truth.
Speaker 1: Didn't take no accountability that she held for years like
Speaker 1: yes and girls like he didn't do it. He didn't
Speaker 1: do it, Like why would you tell us that? And
Speaker 1: she was like, he should have told you, he should
Speaker 1: have worked.
Speaker 8: That's dirty.
Speaker 1: People just be wrong and strong. I'm like, that's.
Speaker 3: That's insanity.
Speaker 1: Her and him need to do a podcast together, that
Speaker 1: lady and this dude.
Speaker 7: That podcast idiots one mic.
Speaker 1: That's that's a great that's why you.
Speaker 5: Podcast exactly exactly.
Speaker 2: That is catchy as hell too, and people would probably
Speaker 2: tune in just for the shenanigans.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, it's entertainment. Absolutely, that's another thing I will say
Speaker 1: to the whole thing about attacking people who have a
Speaker 1: different opinion in you and saying they shouldn't have an
Speaker 1: opinion is what's wrong with the world. Just because someone
Speaker 1: is trying to be jestful or have a different opinion
Speaker 1: or doesn't agree with your take doesn't mean they don't
Speaker 1: have a right to talk, as long as they're not
Speaker 1: being disrespectful or causing harm to people or trying to
Speaker 1: cause violence to people. To let them people talk. We've
Speaker 1: been letting people talk before podcasts, who I I personally
Speaker 1: feel like some people shouldn't even be talking. We have presidence,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. I worry about podcast people,
Speaker 1: but we have a president right now who just says
Speaker 1: whatever he wants on any random day, disrespecting.
Speaker 3: What every platform.
Speaker 1: Yes, you know what I'm saying, But we worried about
Speaker 1: people with podcasts. Man, get out of here, Like, I
Speaker 1: ain't even with that.
Speaker 2: Literally, you have a choice, yes, what you engage in.
Speaker 7: And it does irk my nerves when people are like
Speaker 7: when they hate post stuff like I hate this, let
Speaker 7: me show you. Let me get more engagement off of
Speaker 7: it because I hated it so bad, Like just skipp.
Speaker 2: It it like I never take any energy to like
Speaker 2: repost something I hate.
Speaker 1: Or that is you know who's talking about that I hate?
Speaker 1: Who's who's Courtney Kemp. Jim made a post of how
Speaker 1: she loves that people hate watch her shows, like when
Speaker 1: Power was on, people were saying, like, I hate this.
Speaker 1: The writing is terrible, the acting is terrible. She says,
Speaker 1: she enjoys like go ahead and hate watch it because
Speaker 1: it just runs the numbers up right. But it does
Speaker 1: make you wonder, like why would you watch a show
Speaker 1: that you said you hate and then go online to
Speaker 1: comment and talk for hours? How to show that you
Speaker 1: claim you hate? It makes no sense to me, it doesn't.
Speaker 7: I guess you know, people are entertained by their own
Speaker 7: like anger, or if they're just so disregulated that they
Speaker 7: got to stay in a disregulated state, like they got
Speaker 7: to be mad all the time.
Speaker 8: I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 7: Somebody said the other day, okay, here's another opera. Not
Speaker 7: because somebody did say on threads the other day that
Speaker 7: they're tired of hearing Uh people use the word whimsy.
Speaker 7: Have y'all heard this whimsy? Yeah, you gotta be chronically
Speaker 7: online to know. But people are using the word whimsy,
Speaker 7: like you don't have any whimsy, you know. And somebody
Speaker 7: was like, oh, I hate that. Give it up learning
Speaker 7: new word. Y'all learn one word and you wear it out.
Speaker 7: Notice how ain't nobody demurreor.
Speaker 1: Anymore like demure whimsy?
Speaker 2: Narcissistic delusional was the one diabolical?
Speaker 7: Yeah, but look at us all enjoying something together.
Speaker 8: That's my op.
Speaker 7: Sometimes we gather around a word and we love to
Speaker 7: use it together. We know what it means, we laugh together,
Speaker 7: we can create jokes out of it, and we are
Speaker 7: one people for just a small amount of time.
Speaker 1: I just think people just love to hate stuff.
Speaker 5: Right like, and they find solidarity.
Speaker 1: That's how cancel culture happened. Let's let's I hate that.
Speaker 5: Let's cancel.
Speaker 1: We get a bunch of ackle to agree that.
Speaker 2: We all, for seventy two hours we hate this. Feel
Speaker 2: in the cycle shifts to something else we hate.
Speaker 1: Because that's how you can collectively. Galvin, here's the truth.
Speaker 1: Those who can't do talk right. So social media has
Speaker 1: allowed all the people who can't do to talk. So
Speaker 1: while people are going out there to try things and
Speaker 1: try things, there's other people who are just talking negatively
Speaker 1: about it. Because they can't do nothing that part. And
Speaker 1: I think more people need to realize what it is
Speaker 1: and use social media for what it's for, Like it's
Speaker 1: not real life. Let people have their billion opinions. They
Speaker 1: hate watch, They don't like this, they don't want to
Speaker 1: use the word.
Speaker 2: Is that driving up engagement? Are people actually watching her shows? Then?
Speaker 3: Great?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, he's watching drives engagement said the same thing.
Speaker 2: People hate Geneva, Yes, they hate Geneva, all the clips
Speaker 2: to go about my facialist versions and all the things. Yes, yes,
Speaker 2: hate watch Geneva, y'all please do I love it?
Speaker 1: Memory Games Michael Rainey Jr. Into his own spin off
Speaker 1: that went for five seeds. They hated him on Power
Speaker 1: They talked so bad and all he did was get
Speaker 1: a whole another.
Speaker 4: Series and got another one.
Speaker 1: Yes, he got another one from see.
Speaker 5: This is and he does Wow, this is?
Speaker 1: This is important?
Speaker 3: Right, that's great.
Speaker 1: You know who hated their way into a multi billion
Speaker 1: dollar generational family, The Kardashians. I heard so much talk
Speaker 1: from people I hate the Kardashians, and they just kept
Speaker 1: making more money, dripping more products, having more TV.
Speaker 4: Shows for y'all stupid as telling us you hate it if.
Speaker 1: You think about it, if you think about it, that
Speaker 1: most of.
Speaker 5: The hate has funded their entire life.
Speaker 1: Jake Paul, Yeah, people hate watch his fights and he
Speaker 1: makes millions of dollars every time he gets on age.
Speaker 1: I'm about to fight Floyd Mayweather. This with people, so
Speaker 1: I'm not watching that ship. This ain't real boxing.
Speaker 4: Meanwhile, Jake Paul breaks another record.
Speaker 1: It's the truth both right, it's the truth.
Speaker 3: It is good ship.
Speaker 4: If you hate, keep your opinion to yourself and your
Speaker 4: shut up.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: I can't tell you the things that I hate because
Speaker 1: if I hate it, I don't watch it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 7: And to me, I think this ties into what we're
Speaker 7: talking about today performance anxiety, because I feel like when
Speaker 7: you judge other people, and when you spend a lot
Speaker 7: of time judging earth people or hate watching stuff, you
Speaker 7: then start to develop like subconscious fear of doing.
Speaker 3: I like that trip.
Speaker 1: I never thought about that, but I can see that though.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because remember something because you think someone will do.
Speaker 1: To you what them it's projections, Yes, this production, So
Speaker 1: you should ask yourself first, do you have anxiety because
Speaker 1: you hate watch people and you get upset watch other
Speaker 1: people try stuff that deep? As hell.
Speaker 3: That's interesting.
Speaker 2: Did you ever overcome your performance anxiety for we're trying.
Speaker 3: To back to the story.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what did you do? Repetition tactics? Repetition this I
Speaker 1: know works for a fact, bro the thing that you're
Speaker 1: worried about the most. Practice it until it becomes muscle memory,
Speaker 1: because then when you go out to try to do it,
Speaker 1: you don't have to think about doing it, so then
Speaker 1: your anxiety shuts off because you've done it so many times.
Speaker 1: Case in point. I used to hate having to be
Speaker 1: at the free throw line and shoot free throws, and
Speaker 1: I hated open layups. I'd rather take a contested layer.
Speaker 1: This was in sophomore year. I'd rather take a contest
Speaker 1: layer because if I missed, then people will say, oh,
Speaker 1: it was contested fast break, wide open layup. It's like
Speaker 1: the worst thing, especially if I'm in the middle of
Speaker 1: the rim. You hate, yeah, you hate to have that
Speaker 1: moment where you missing and everybody's going, oh, So what
Speaker 1: I did in practice when everybody was done, I used
Speaker 1: to go full court lay up right hand and left
Speaker 1: hand all the way down the back ten times, and
Speaker 1: I had to do it until I made it like
Speaker 1: consecutively and I did the same thing with free throws.
Speaker 1: I had to make ten free throws before I left
Speaker 1: the gym. And I did the same thing with football,
Speaker 1: with returning punts and catching passes. I always gave myself
Speaker 1: a target and said, if I do this this many
Speaker 1: times in a row, that means I was able to
Speaker 1: do it under pressure. And then I got so used
Speaker 1: to doing that that when I got into games and
Speaker 1: I lined up right there, it was just like, I've
Speaker 1: done this before, and the fear never crept in about
Speaker 1: I might miss. My thought then became watch what they see,
Speaker 1: watch what they say when I make this. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And it was almost like it changed
Speaker 1: my thought process. I've been this. I've done the same
Speaker 1: thing with Jackson. We talked about this on the bike
Speaker 1: episode with Kaz. Rather than tell Jackson all the things
Speaker 1: that's going to go wrong if he don't practice, I
Speaker 1: tell him all the things that's going to go right
Speaker 1: if he does this way. He only focuses on the road.
Speaker 1: Remember with Kaz. Rather than saying stay off the grass,
Speaker 1: Kaz kept focusing on the I said stay. He was
Speaker 1: riding his bike and he couldn't stay straight. I kept saying,
Speaker 1: stay off the grass, Stay off the grass. He kept
Speaker 1: looking down at the grass and running to the grass.
Speaker 1: Same thing happens with anxiety. What if I miss What
Speaker 1: if I missed? What if I miss Stop focusing on
Speaker 1: the missus? What's going to happen when you make all
Speaker 1: them shots? And then Jackson started saying, Oh, the power
Speaker 1: of manifestation works. I told you that to that and
Speaker 1: I scored twenty seven points. I said, did you miss
Speaker 1: any He said yeah, but I knew the next one
Speaker 1: was going in. That's how you get rid of performance anxiety.
Speaker 1: You practice it so many times that you know the
Speaker 1: next one is going to be positive, and you never
Speaker 1: think about the negative.
Speaker 3: You know, I did the opposite.
Speaker 2: So my story on performing anxiety when I realized I
Speaker 2: had it early on, was when it came to playing
Speaker 2: the piano. My mother put me in piano lessons just
Speaker 2: because she wanted me to try it. You know, she's
Speaker 2: exposing me to different things, and.
Speaker 5: I hate it.
Speaker 2: I hated every day of it. I really enjoyed my
Speaker 2: music teacher. He was an awesome guy, so like getting
Speaker 2: a chill with him and spend time was like cool.
Speaker 2: When I was a kid and I was playing decent,
Speaker 2: but not enough to perform anywhere.
Speaker 1: However kind of piano jazz or classical, class.
Speaker 3: Classical piano, how I was. I started when I was
Speaker 3: about eight.
Speaker 1: Classical piano was born.
Speaker 3: I started, Yeah, I did it to so one summer.
Speaker 1: Done that really?
Speaker 3: See?
Speaker 2: So I was doing it because my mother was pretty much,
Speaker 2: you know, like we are with the kids, if you
Speaker 2: start something, you have to finish it, like you can't
Speaker 2: just quit midway through.
Speaker 4: Was it your choice to do it?
Speaker 3: No, No, it wasn't.
Speaker 5: It was kind of like, you know, you want to.
Speaker 2: Take up an instrument, and she's like, what about the piano?
Speaker 5: And I was like, I guess I'll try it.
Speaker 8: And then I.
Speaker 3: Realized going into it that I really didn't enjoy it
Speaker 3: that much.
Speaker 4: But everyone, you can't be you can't fulfill something that
Speaker 4: you didn't really want to do.
Speaker 1: That was my thing.
Speaker 2: I was kind of like, okay, but then my mom
Speaker 2: goes in like brags to everyone, Oh she does she
Speaker 2: plays the piano.
Speaker 5: She takeing piano lessons.
Speaker 2: So the very first time that my school, Bethlehem Baptist Academy,
Speaker 2: was like, oh we're having chapel service, you know, I
Speaker 2: forget it was like the third grade performing and oh,
Speaker 2: Kadean plays the piano, she can do a piano solo.
Speaker 2: So I have this piano piece that I'm like practicing,
Speaker 2: practicing right with my teacher to perform at Chapel. And
Speaker 2: I had like a month to prepare for it. But
Speaker 2: I wasn't practicing on my own. I was literally just
Speaker 2: like fiddling around and then I would leave. I would
Speaker 2: never just sit the time to say practice other than
Speaker 2: when I was with my teacher. So what do we
Speaker 2: know about pittspo preparations.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know exactly.
Speaker 2: So I got up on stage with this piano, Everyone's
Speaker 2: looking at me and chapel and I started to play
Speaker 2: and then I froze. I kept trying to start over
Speaker 2: and over again, froze to the point where my mom
Speaker 2: had to come and like sit next to me just
Speaker 2: to like, you know, ease my fear to get through
Speaker 2: the piece. And I just barely got through it and
Speaker 2: was so humiliated after, and of course everyone was like, you.
Speaker 5: Know, you did a good job, It's okay. I was like,
Speaker 5: I did not, y'all lie it to me? Why y'all lie,
Speaker 5: y'all can say that I.
Speaker 2: Stuck and I should never play the piano again. But
Speaker 2: because of that, my mother was like, well, now you
Speaker 2: have to practice and still see it through. I was
Speaker 2: ready to throw in the towel after that, because I'm
Speaker 2: just like I just got I'm embarrassed in front of everybody,
Speaker 2: because we do perform and we add what typically when
Speaker 2: you perform, you add value to whatever reaction you get
Speaker 2: out of the performance. And to me, at that moment,
Speaker 2: I completely dropped the ball. I sucked and just wanted
Speaker 2: to like call into a hole.
Speaker 1: I'll say this as a parent now, it's unfair to
Speaker 1: tell your kids to try something and then you don't
Speaker 1: help them prepare the right way.
Speaker 2: Like me.
Speaker 1: If that was me, and I'm not knocking mean me,
Speaker 1: I would have done the same thing you want. You're
Speaker 1: gonna learn how to play the piano. Oh could you
Speaker 1: know how to play the piano? You know you got
Speaker 1: ten days before you play the piano every day in
Speaker 1: this house. You're gonna play this piano for me, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be staring at you, and you're gonna be nervous,
Speaker 1: and you're gonna do it until it gets right. Because
Speaker 1: by the time you get to that performance on that day,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, man, I did this in front
Speaker 1: of my dad. Looked like he was gonna kill me.
Speaker 1: That's how should have.
Speaker 4: That was me stood there right there, like play yep,
Speaker 4: that's yeah, play okay, m hm, start over. I don't
Speaker 4: I don't want to play.
Speaker 1: Play yep.
Speaker 4: I guess I'm gonna figure out.
Speaker 1: I'm not against that for real.
Speaker 2: And I played the piano for years and never got
Speaker 2: any better. The one song I was comfortable with was
Speaker 2: Old to Joy.
Speaker 5: I'll Never Forget.
Speaker 2: And I remember playing that because when when my aunts
Speaker 2: and uncles would come by or whatever, my father would
Speaker 2: be like, go play in my song, and I would
Speaker 2: play Old to Joy and like fast forward four years later,
Speaker 2: my aunt was like, he's the only song, favorite song,
Speaker 2: your favorite song you like to play.
Speaker 5: That's the only song quiet as his cats, you know
Speaker 5: what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: But I did practice pieces because when I had the
Speaker 2: pageants that I were performing, it's like you have a
Speaker 2: talent competition, and I couldn't sing worth a damn.
Speaker 5: I would dance sometimes, but my mom was like, if
Speaker 5: you show you know classical.
Speaker 2: Pianists, you know there's an elevated level of technicality, and
Speaker 2: she was on it. She was right.
Speaker 5: I just hated this ship.
Speaker 1: The approach was wasn't wasn't ironed out right?
Speaker 2: She was she was onto something, and I wasn't locked in.
Speaker 2: Now I was an adult, I'm like, damn, I should
Speaker 2: have locked in. It had been dope to like get
Speaker 2: on a piano and be able to play like Mozart
Speaker 2: or some ship rul I could have been.
Speaker 8: And it is hard when your parents don't know how
Speaker 8: to do the thing that you're doing.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 7: I played violin all through school, first grade through senior year,
Speaker 7: and I always played like in an orchestra. We always
Speaker 7: had recitals. I always played in front of people. But
Speaker 7: senior year, I was in this like high school kind
Speaker 7: of sorority group thing and we had a conference every summer.
Speaker 7: So at the conference we had a little talent show.
Speaker 7: They asked me to play the violin. I'm like, fine,
Speaker 7: I had to play in front of our group like
Speaker 7: in rehearsals and stuff, and I felt okay, But by
Speaker 7: the time the day came, I was shaking so bad
Speaker 7: trying to play my violin.
Speaker 8: It sounded terrible.
Speaker 7: I could barely stand on my two feet and I
Speaker 7: had never experienced that before. As a kid, I was
Speaker 7: always a performer and I was never shy. I was
Speaker 7: always a singer. I was singing front of everybody, talent shows, whatever,
Speaker 7: and I never had performance anxiety.
Speaker 8: But between like seventh grade and senior year, I didn't
Speaker 8: really perform anymore.
Speaker 7: My parents hadn't poured into me the way that I
Speaker 7: wanted them to, and I would ask to go to
Speaker 7: theater camp or whatever, and they would just be like, girls,
Speaker 7: shut the hell up, you know.
Speaker 8: So I wasn't really performing.
Speaker 7: So by the time senior year came, I hadn't been
Speaker 7: on stage by myself, you know, in a long time.
Speaker 7: I even did like a speech competition that year, and
Speaker 7: I had practiced so much, knew it and could not
Speaker 7: recite the speech at all.
Speaker 8: When I got up there, it was you.
Speaker 1: Said, your legs, your legs were weak. Yes, I was
Speaker 1: shaking your central nervous system. Your brain is spine like.
Speaker 3: The physical manifestation happens.
Speaker 1: To athletes too. That's why athletes can't perform when people
Speaker 1: what you went through is what athletes go through. And
Speaker 1: people were like, why he playing like that? Or why
Speaker 1: she playing with like that? Why she not playing like herself?
Speaker 1: It's performance anxiety. Bro when your brain and your spine
Speaker 1: shut down. You move slower, you sweating, you don't have balance.
Speaker 1: Everything almost seems like you're high, almost just like why
Speaker 1: can't I correct what's happening? And before you know, the
Speaker 1: performance over and everybody looking at you like what was that?
Speaker 7: Yeah, it was insane and I don't think I've ever
Speaker 7: had performance anxiety that bad again, but I can tell
Speaker 7: that with like violin, I wasn't really I didn't really
Speaker 7: practice at home as much as I as you know,
Speaker 7: my counterparts did. My teacher is like you have to
Speaker 7: take private lessons and so that you'll practice whatever. So
Speaker 7: I didn't feel like I was good at it. So
Speaker 7: that was another part of it. I was like, I
Speaker 7: don't think I'm good at this. And then even though
Speaker 7: I did practice for the event, I still was like,
Speaker 7: not confident in my skill to be on stage doing
Speaker 7: it in front of people.
Speaker 1: Count I got my moment of truth. Anxiety happens because
Speaker 1: people don't feel confident in what.
Speaker 7: Yeah, even like social media, I have performance anxiety when
Speaker 7: it comes to posting on social media. Every single time
Speaker 7: I post, I'd be like, oh my god.
Speaker 2: And it's fair of the reaction you're gonna get from
Speaker 2: people post I hear sometimes and like, well, delete if
Speaker 2: it doesn't get a certain amount of engagement in a
Speaker 2: certain amount of time, or post with the option to
Speaker 2: take off likes or comments or things like that, because
Speaker 2: ultimately we're I mean, the whole purpose of performing is
Speaker 2: to get up in front of an audience of people,
Speaker 2: essentially to do something right.
Speaker 1: But it's also your purpose for doing it right, Like
Speaker 1: do you perform for cheers or do you perform just
Speaker 1: to share?
Speaker 7: Right?
Speaker 1: And that matters, right, because if you're performing for cheers
Speaker 1: and you don't get the response you want, that can
Speaker 1: give you anxiety. But if you're performing just to share,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what they feel. I just wanted to
Speaker 1: share this because this was something I had, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And that's that's always been my approach
Speaker 1: to social media. And me and josh Are talked about
Speaker 1: this before. I'm like, he'd be like, yo, this is
Speaker 1: his biggest thing is things got to be perfect. And
Speaker 1: I always used to be like, I don't care if
Speaker 1: it's perfect, I just want to share it.
Speaker 2: It's funny you mentioned purpose because I've read something that
Speaker 2: said purpose is the antidote for panic.
Speaker 3: Wow, purpose is the antidote for panic.
Speaker 8: Yeah, that's a really great point. I'm gonna say.
Speaker 7: There are other times, like doing stand up, I don't
Speaker 7: get I'll get nervous beforehand, but when I get on
Speaker 7: stage it goes away. And I remember when I first
Speaker 7: started doing stand up, I was so scared that I
Speaker 7: was going to have that same reaction that I did
Speaker 7: playing the violin, that I would be shaking and I
Speaker 7: wouldn't be able to stand up, you know, But.
Speaker 1: It goes away, you know, with that and that purpose.
Speaker 8: Yeah, and it's something that I feel like i've, like,
Speaker 8: you know, in my head what I know about myself.
Speaker 1: You want to do stand up, don't you. You didn't
Speaker 1: want to do the violin. Yeah, you wanted to do pageants,
Speaker 1: you didn't want to play the piano. Your purpose was
Speaker 1: directly tied to the thing you wanted to do, which
Speaker 1: made you have confidence because you felt like, this is
Speaker 1: what I'm meant to do. When you're doing something that
Speaker 1: you don't feel like you're meant to do, or someone
Speaker 1: else is making you do, you kind of feel uncertain.
Speaker 1: That brings doubt, Doubt brings fear, It brings panic.
Speaker 2: And that's why people say you should know your purpose
Speaker 2: in life, because you excel in those moments where the
Speaker 2: panic will cease because you know you're living out something
Speaker 2: you're supposed to be doing.
Speaker 1: And then if your purpose, for example, when you're sharing
Speaker 1: something and you're sharing it just to share and it
Speaker 1: because it's your purpose, you're not worried about the cheers
Speaker 1: because if people don't like it, it wasn't for them
Speaker 1: to like it was just because I wanted to share it.
Speaker 1: And if it helps one person or ten people, that's
Speaker 1: what it was for. Oh they didn't like it, well,
Speaker 1: I didn't share it for them to like it. I
Speaker 1: wanted to help these people and that's what it did.
Speaker 1: You don't have anxiety over that because that was the purpose.
Speaker 1: The purpose wasn't to get admiration from millions of people.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Well, think about us even performing on the stage of life, right,
Speaker 2: So if you're showing up as your true self and
Speaker 2: not as a representative of yourself and you're not performing,
Speaker 2: do you think people walk through this world every day
Speaker 2: just having anxiety in general because they feel like they
Speaker 2: have to show up for as who they are, you know,
Speaker 2: and isn't that crazy? How sometimes you can't even feel
Speaker 2: like you can be your true self because you're having
Speaker 2: fear of what that's going to look like to other people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that's that's definitely true. But then you
Speaker 1: you come to a realization, like you're not on this
Speaker 1: earth to be here for other people.
Speaker 3: And once you realize, yeah, that's the awakening that happened.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's when they say, oh you woke, Yeah, you
Speaker 1: woke because you don't care about public admiration, so you're
Speaker 1: not afraid to say how you really feel. And when
Speaker 1: people throw backlash at you, you don't run from the
Speaker 1: backlash because it's like, well that's how I felt because
Speaker 1: this was my purpose. You know what I'm saying. It's freeing,
Speaker 1: it's free. And you also realize that you're not gonna
Speaker 1: don't you're not trying to win everybody over, right, Like
Speaker 1: my my purpose in sharing this is just me purposely,
Speaker 1: but me personally. My purpose in sharing is not to
Speaker 1: convince anybody here that they need to think like I think.
Speaker 1: That's not my purpose. My purpose is to just share
Speaker 1: how I think so that someone else may see a
Speaker 1: different perspective and they may able to see a different
Speaker 1: side of the world that they never saw. That's the
Speaker 1: same reason why I'm willing to listen to anybody and everybody,
Speaker 1: just because I want to hear like maybe that perspective
Speaker 1: is different than mine, but that doesn't mean it's wrong,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. I think that that allows
Speaker 1: me to have empathy for everyone, because it could be
Speaker 1: the worst person, let me just hear where they're coming from.
Speaker 2: But it also allows you to be sure in who
Speaker 2: you are, so you don't have to feel like you
Speaker 2: need to perform for this world.
Speaker 5: For whoever.
Speaker 2: Anybody reached that point yet, I feel like you reach
Speaker 2: the point where you kind of just are not performing.
Speaker 2: You're just this is who I am, and this is
Speaker 2: how I feel, and take me as I am in life.
Speaker 4: Year that's definitely me. I'm at that point now, but
Speaker 4: I still get anxiety in terms of things I have
Speaker 4: to do, like my hands will start sweating badly, like
Speaker 4: we're recording right now. I have a level of anxiety
Speaker 4: because I need everything to go well. In my mind,
Speaker 4: you gotta go perfect. When I play the drums, I
Speaker 4: can't give you a I can't dap you up prior,
Speaker 4: but my hands are like, it's like, what's happening in
Speaker 4: my head? I'm like, what's happening right now? But what's
Speaker 4: a start? It's all right, cool, I.
Speaker 1: Might so once you start, you don't have a ritual
Speaker 1: or anything you do to start. You just say I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go.
Speaker 4: I know for the drums, primarily, my anxiety came from
Speaker 4: because I never had time or place the practice at consistently.
Speaker 4: So excuse me, Like on Sundays I'd be up there playing.
Speaker 4: I'm just going off with what I already know. How
Speaker 4: I know I can play, but I never had a
Speaker 4: chance to actually really go through and practice.
Speaker 1: And photography three three people said the same thing, lack
Speaker 1: of preparation late to their anxiety. How about you, Josh, same? Yeah.
Speaker 6: I mean even with like photography now and things I
Speaker 6: do now, if it's not repetition, like if I'm not
Speaker 6: active enough and then I'll go to do it.
Speaker 4: I have a level of anxiety.
Speaker 6: It's not as bad as it was anymore because I
Speaker 6: already feel like I got my ten thousand hours, so
Speaker 6: it feels like I could easily adjust to certain things.
Speaker 6: But the anxiety is still there and I don't think
Speaker 6: it'll ever go away. I kind of I kind of
Speaker 6: I kind of like the anxiety because it makes me
Speaker 6: know I care.
Speaker 2: I was gonna say that, Yeah, we tell Jackson.
Speaker 6: It's I think it's one of those things that you
Speaker 6: that is completely necessary but needs to be under control.
Speaker 6: There has to be some level control, and the only
Speaker 6: thing that's going to control it is that preparation period
Speaker 6: that you do prior, because once that's not there, you're
Speaker 6: like left to the wolves. You're you're making assumptions about
Speaker 6: things that you probably should have known before. You are
Speaker 6: letting other factors like other people or their reactions or
Speaker 6: comments or things play a role into like they're taking
Speaker 6: the space where preparations should be.
Speaker 1: Yes, So I think I know what's all. I always
Speaker 1: know what's.
Speaker 6: Necessary in order to get rid of my anxiety.
Speaker 1: I used to.
Speaker 6: Even when I do like speaking engagements, like like if
Speaker 6: I'm teaching or I'm like speaking at a conference or
Speaker 6: something like that, I know for a fact when I'm nervous,
Speaker 6: and I'm nervous not because I don't notice material.
Speaker 1: I'm nervous because I didn't I was in a.
Speaker 6: Hotel like going over it, or I went I'm saying yeah,
Speaker 6: and I wasn't like, I just don't probably know the
Speaker 6: order of my deck. I gotta look at my screen.
Speaker 1: Things like that make me anxious. Anxious.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I've learned to embrace it. Like you hear
Speaker 4: people talk about meditating and it says like, embrace the
Speaker 4: nervous energy you feel asolutely, like, welcome that in because
Speaker 4: you know you're gonna perform better with those feelings there.
Speaker 1: You're absolutely right. Physiologically that happens. They tell us in
Speaker 1: sports psychology that that kinetic energy that you have comes
Speaker 1: from anxiousness. You can control it and you can utilize it,
Speaker 1: and it can help you. It can help you be
Speaker 1: a little bit faster because adrenaline comes. The The way
Speaker 1: it can hurt you is if you try to get
Speaker 1: too relaxed to where you like and you slow your
Speaker 1: central nervous down too much. But now you have to perform.
Speaker 1: Now you look slow. We went through this with Jackson
Speaker 1: because Jackson's just starting high school. He's putting all this
Speaker 1: pressure on himself, and I get it. You have two
Speaker 1: over achieving parents. Jackson automatically assumes he got to be
Speaker 1: first and perfected everything, and rather than say to him,
Speaker 1: why do you think like that we know. So I'm
Speaker 1: just like, how can I help him? You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So he didn't play his best game. But
Speaker 1: this is the hard part when you have like anxious kids.
Speaker 1: He didn't play bad. You're a rising ninth grader playing varsity.
Speaker 1: Most kids have to go to JV. You're playing varsity, right.
Speaker 1: You didn't have a lot of turnovers, you scored. There
Speaker 1: are things you could have did better, but you were
Speaker 1: playing a little slow. He's talking to himself about and
Speaker 1: I'm talking about yo, Jack's what's going on. He's saying
Speaker 1: all of the things that could go wrong. And I said,
Speaker 1: you've prepared for this, right, you know what you have
Speaker 1: to do?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: He's like yes. I said, why are we thinking about
Speaker 1: the negative? And he said, I'm gonna be honest. This
Speaker 1: is and parents, I hope you listening. He's I gotta
Speaker 1: get off to social media. I said, what you mean?
Speaker 1: He said, Bro, I'm looking at all my friends. I'm
Speaker 1: looking at all this stuff and they, you know, they
Speaker 1: get accolades for this. I want that and I haven't
Speaker 1: gotten that yet. And I said, well, Jackson, you're comparing
Speaker 1: where you are to other people's highlights. You're start doing
Speaker 1: that before you even get into high school. You're not
Speaker 1: gonna make it for a year in high school if
Speaker 1: you keep doing that. And he was just like, you're right,
Speaker 1: you're right, You're right. But the thing I didn't do
Speaker 1: is I didn't hide the reality from him. I said, look, bro,
Speaker 1: you didn't play your best, but you didn't play bad.
Speaker 1: Are there things that you need to do to get better?
Speaker 1: And he was honest with me, he said, yeah, I
Speaker 1: would feel more confident if I worked on my handle.
Speaker 1: So all we did the next few days was just
Speaker 1: ball work for an hour, plays the next game, and kills.
Speaker 1: And what it showed me was it wasn't just the
Speaker 1: preparation because these were things we were doing before. It's
Speaker 1: also understanding the why, Like kids need to understand. The
Speaker 1: why me and Kate was talking about is how do
Speaker 1: you create a dog out of an athlete? You know,
Speaker 1: my parents, I gotta create a dog. I used to
Speaker 1: think screaming and cursing and hollering at my kids during
Speaker 1: sports activity was going to create the dog. I was like,
Speaker 1: this is going to teach them how to ignore what's
Speaker 1: going on around them if they can do it. From that,
Speaker 1: and I learned very quickly that that doesn't work. How
Speaker 1: you get the dog out of people is having them
Speaker 1: understand the why why they're anxious, why they're nervous, why
Speaker 1: they don't feel prepared, and then fix it. When I
Speaker 1: did that with Jack's when he realized why he was anxious,
Speaker 1: it was my bull handling.
Speaker 2: He worked on it for days and remembering his purpose
Speaker 2: and all this, what's the n goal here?
Speaker 3: What are we trying to get out of?
Speaker 1: Glad you brought that up, you know, because the purpose
Speaker 1: was a thing. I said, Yo, why are we playing basketball?
Speaker 1: He's like, I said, I don't want to play basketball exactly.
Speaker 1: I never said you had to. Your mother never said
Speaker 1: you had to. Your friends never said you had to.
Speaker 1: But now you're saying all of these things about what
Speaker 1: people are saying. He was like, yeah, I kind of
Speaker 1: made that up on my own, Bro, you're creating narratives
Speaker 1: in your own mind. He put that, and then once
Speaker 1: I explained to him, this is why you're anxious. You're
Speaker 1: thinking about things that are never going to happen, or
Speaker 1: people saying things that have never been said.
Speaker 2: But think about your story time when you said that,
Speaker 2: you sat on the bench and everybody came to watch
Speaker 2: you because they typed you up and said, yo, were
Speaker 2: comeing and watch you. Jackson had the same thing happened
Speaker 2: to him. Everyone was just like yo, Jack, like, we're
Speaker 2: gonna be good because you're here. You know, we're gonna
Speaker 2: be happy to have you play with us because you're
Speaker 2: gonna be able to contribute. So he had that pressure
Speaker 2: on his so hard. And then it's funny because he
Speaker 2: called us and we were in the car on the
Speaker 2: way to the game. He went ahead with his team,
Speaker 2: you remember, and he called and he's just like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm good. You know, I feel good. You know, I'm
Speaker 2: watching the other team play that, you know. And I
Speaker 2: could tell he was talking himself up because I know
Speaker 2: my child. And when I got there, I could tell
Speaker 2: that Jackson was nervous. And even after the game, I
Speaker 2: asked him, were you nervous? Because the valve was kind
Speaker 2: of you know, in the car getting on him, like,
Speaker 2: you know, bro, what happened?
Speaker 5: What happened?
Speaker 2: You know all the things we talked about, And I said, Jackson,
Speaker 2: were you nervous? Na, MA, I wasn't nervous. I wasn't nervous,
Speaker 2: you know, I wasn't.
Speaker 3: And then Eventually he broke down. He broke down. He nervous.
Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, I was nervous. And I was like, bro,
Speaker 1: why did you have to lie about that to us?
Speaker 1: And he told me the truth. He said, I was
Speaker 1: trying to talk myself out of the nerves. And I said, well,
Speaker 1: you were saying I'm not nervous, and he said, yeah,
Speaker 1: think about what you're saying.
Speaker 4: I'm not nervous.
Speaker 1: I'm not nervous. I said, why do you say nervous
Speaker 1: so many times? You know what your body's hearing.
Speaker 4: I'm nervous, nervous, nervous.
Speaker 1: He was like, I said, so don't say I'm not nervous,
Speaker 1: say I'm going to play well.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I think if I embrace the nervous. Yes, it's
Speaker 6: literally there for a reason.
Speaker 8: M right.
Speaker 3: And you can tell it matters to him too, It
Speaker 3: does matter.
Speaker 1: And he said it matters to him like he wants
Speaker 1: to do well. He wants to perform well because everybody
Speaker 1: else has put the work into him. And I said, Jackson,
Speaker 1: you you're worried about the wrong thing.
Speaker 4: Bro.
Speaker 1: You got to do it because it's your purpose. We
Speaker 1: put the work into you because you're our purpose.
Speaker 4: I get nervous because I care too much for myself.
Speaker 4: I care so much for myself. Not too much because
Speaker 4: you can't care much, but so much. I care so much.
Speaker 4: I want this to go really, really well. So it's
Speaker 4: like I'm putting all that pressure on myself.
Speaker 2: You you better get it right, absolutely and show up
Speaker 2: and do it. Think about how many times as people,
Speaker 2: I'm sure if I pull like your average person or anyone,
Speaker 2: think about how many things that we've just not done
Speaker 2: because we just waiting for the right time, or waiting
Speaker 2: until we're ready, or waiting till the nerves.
Speaker 3: And the anxiety.
Speaker 2: Yes, think about how many things we do not try
Speaker 2: because of that and how that can be a hindrance
Speaker 2: to just your quality of life, or just doing something
Speaker 2: that you've always wanted.
Speaker 1: To do, but you're just cuter Altar call man bro.
Speaker 3: Man, and the time is just passing us by.
Speaker 1: You Hear what Jackson says. Now, negative thoughts become negative actions,
Speaker 1: negative actions become negative habits, and negative habits become a
Speaker 1: negative lifestyle. He really believes that. He's like, I'm not
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that no more. I'm just going into everything.
Speaker 1: Just this is what's going to happen this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we be over here like hype man and women.
Speaker 2: You know, everybody be rallying around him the same way
Speaker 2: we rallying around all of them. The cold have taken
Speaker 2: on football camp at four. I don't even know if
Speaker 2: they were taking four year olds. But I sent his
Speaker 2: little lass and you know what, he came out. He's like, Mommy,
Speaker 2: I didn't make any touchdowns today, but tomorrow I want
Speaker 2: to make touchdowns. So I saw his little states over
Speaker 2: here on the side of the camera, and I saw
Speaker 2: him giving me thumbs ups.
Speaker 5: I don't know if that meant that he maybe did.
Speaker 5: We'll see everybody be like the coder, just go do
Speaker 5: shit it. That's my moment is just do shit.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: Do it?
Speaker 3: All right, y'all?
Speaker 8: Are we in?
Speaker 3: How far are we in?
Speaker 2: All right, Let's take a quick break and we're gonna
Speaker 2: come back with our listener letter of the day.
Speaker 5: Be right back, all right, let's dive in.
Speaker 2: Hi everyone, okay, mat come on now with karaoke around
Speaker 2: to the high pitched too. Hey, everybody, hope all is well.
Speaker 2: Sending love to all of you and extra hugs and
Speaker 2: condolences to Triple thank you for that. You guys can
Speaker 2: call me Naisha. Apologies for this being long. I've been
Speaker 2: listening to you guys and your different journeys on taking
Speaker 2: care of your parents. Currently, my dad is ill. We've
Speaker 2: been told that he has scars. Soy dope cars. I
Speaker 2: just want to make sure, I say, you're right, Star
Speaker 2: Cordus of the lungs. It's hard for him to breathe
Speaker 2: on a regular basis. He's now on home breathing machine
Speaker 2: and must check his pulse and oxygen levels regularly. I
Speaker 2: do not live with him. I'm thirty seven. I'm a
Speaker 2: thirty seven year old woman. I live alone in my
Speaker 2: own home. I'm the oldest of five. My whole life,
Speaker 2: I've been the extra pedia. We know, I understand. My
Speaker 2: whole life, I've been the extra parent from my siblings
Speaker 2: on both sides, Mom and dad mm hm. As I've
Speaker 2: gotten older, I've had to set boundaries with my parents
Speaker 2: for them to stop treating me like the baby mama
Speaker 2: and baby daddy that they didn't have to.
Speaker 5: I'm laughing because of it.
Speaker 2: They didn't have to help who didn't have to help
Speaker 2: them and treat me as their daughter. Now that my
Speaker 2: dad is sick. I do my best to check on him,
Speaker 2: as well as having to check on my mom and granny,
Speaker 2: who is ninety. Everyone lives on opposite sides of town.
Speaker 2: Plus I work in in my own photography business. When
Speaker 2: I do see my dad, I tried to wash dishes
Speaker 2: and do little things around the house, but he always
Speaker 2: gets up and makes it, becomes a dictator.
Speaker 5: It's not pleasant.
Speaker 2: He's mean and grumpy, always talking about his kids don't
Speaker 2: do anything for him, and constantly reminds us of how
Speaker 2: he took care of us as he was supposed to
Speaker 2: growing up, saying things like none of us would have
Speaker 2: anything with or be anywhere without him, etc. My dad
Speaker 2: is a single man, and as an adult woman, I
Speaker 2: know why. It's funny how we learn our parents. After
Speaker 2: a while, it's like you understand why you're single.
Speaker 4: Bro.
Speaker 2: He's one of those men who chased women younger than
Speaker 2: him legal age, but always ten plus years younger, and
Speaker 2: never wanted to be married or find true love. He
Speaker 2: didn't like women his age because he simply couldn't manipulate that.
Speaker 1: That.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's another listener letter right now. He's old, lonely,
Speaker 2: and miserable. My question is how do I continue to
Speaker 2: do this. It's hard enough to watch his health decline,
Speaker 2: which I'm sure is even harder for him, but mentally,
Speaker 2: it's taking a toll on all his children.
Speaker 3: He's pushing us away.
Speaker 2: We all have anxiety of one have the anxiety of
Speaker 2: wanting to see him, but not wanting to be put
Speaker 2: down or talked too poorly. And you don't have to
Speaker 2: mind you. None of his kids have been to jail
Speaker 2: or ever been on drugs. We all work good jobs,
Speaker 2: and my brothers have their own family. Yet he will
Speaker 2: stay still say things like my kids sorry as hell,
Speaker 2: or my sons are too focused on their women, as
Speaker 2: if they're not supposed to be.
Speaker 5: Please help love you guys, God bless.
Speaker 4: This is very sick.
Speaker 3: That is jealous, chest.
Speaker 2: I was about to say that is jealous and cantankerous
Speaker 2: and old because his life did not pan out the
Speaker 2: way he soffits.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and now he's mad at everybody around you. Don't
Speaker 3: take that on you.
Speaker 1: He's sick. Yeah, And this is to all of the
Speaker 1: the frat boys and city girls who live in life
Speaker 1: alone on the edge. At some point, you're gonna get
Speaker 1: old and who's gonna take care of your old lass
Speaker 1: when you went out here giving everybody the finger for
Speaker 1: all of your twenties and thirties and forty becase everybody
Speaker 1: fingers about me and me selfish, me, me, me, me.
Speaker 1: Now you got kids and you old, and can nobody
Speaker 1: take care of you? And you mad at everybody. This
Speaker 1: is what happens with life, and you don't realize until
Speaker 1: you get older. That's just a fact. Like if you're
Speaker 1: a city boy, you a city good. It's gonna come
Speaker 1: a point. My boys who are in their forties now,
Speaker 1: who don't got women, all tell me, They all tell me, like, bro,
Speaker 1: this shit, why they I'm telling you. The twenties and
Speaker 1: the thirties is a lot of battle of the sexists, right.
Speaker 1: People are learning each other, especially on the Internet, a
Speaker 1: lot of arguing. Then people get older and they realize
Speaker 1: what life is like, and they realize how simple life is.
Speaker 1: And you spent so many years pushing people away, being selfish,
Speaker 1: and now you want the same people you pushed the
Speaker 1: way to be there for you, and you try to
Speaker 1: use the same manipulative tactics. But sorry as hell. So
Speaker 1: you're gonna tell somebody they sorry as hell and expect
Speaker 1: them to come take care of you.
Speaker 2: That partly supposed to be your savior in this moment now, sir, certain,
Speaker 2: So trust me, I understand, thankfully my parents don't treat
Speaker 2: us like that. So but it's still hard to try
Speaker 2: to parents or your parents as well. Like it's faithfully,
Speaker 2: they're pleasant for the most part, so we don't have
Speaker 2: to deal with that. So I imagine like wanting to
Speaker 2: help and being I will say though, that when someone
Speaker 2: is sick and not at their best, it does kind
Speaker 2: of trigger those kind of emotions.
Speaker 5: Like when my dad was going through the thick of
Speaker 5: his uh.
Speaker 2: I hate to say his treatment the treatment, because I
Speaker 2: never like to claim that over his but when he
Speaker 2: was going through the thick of treatment and he was
Speaker 2: at his worst, he was a bit snappy, and.
Speaker 5: He was a bit you know, irritating.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he was irritable, but that's because I understood that
Speaker 2: he was just going through like the absolute worst of
Speaker 2: the worst in that moment, so I gave him grace
Speaker 2: but also gently had to be like, hey, we're all
Speaker 2: still here to help. You know, Mom is trying to assist.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to help, and you not saying please or
Speaker 2: thank you or you being snappy.
Speaker 5: It's not going to get you anything. Yes, sorry, listen, sorry.
Speaker 1: No, it's like this ain't cool. K Yeah, like, yo,
Speaker 1: this is not cool.
Speaker 3: It's not cool.
Speaker 2: There's like a level of like decorum and respect because listen,
Speaker 2: we wouldn't be here in this position if you did
Speaker 2: some of the things you were supposed to do along
Speaker 2: the way and take care of yourself. And you didn't
Speaker 2: take care of yourself, and now we're having to take
Speaker 2: care of you. So if you would like for us
Speaker 2: to continue to do so, yeah, take a chill pills.
Speaker 3: Take a chill pill.
Speaker 4: That's fair.
Speaker 1: That's a super fair point, especially for older people who
Speaker 1: want to be mad at their kids, like I took
Speaker 1: care of y'all. Yeah, but if you would have took
Speaker 1: care of yourself the way I'm pretty sure your kids
Speaker 1: was telling you because we watched it. On this side,
Speaker 1: we all tell our parents watch your health, watch your health,
Speaker 1: and all your parents act like they know more than
Speaker 1: you until their health declines, and now they want you
Speaker 1: to do all these things. It's like now I'm the
Speaker 1: parent and you the child.
Speaker 2: Yeah you know, so essentially that's and who needs the
Speaker 2: help now? Like what I love about my mom specifically
Speaker 2: is that she's locked in like she had a heart
Speaker 2: and second fifty four and she was like.
Speaker 3: Never again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not gonna You're not gonna catch me twice
Speaker 2: And any little thing that she has, she plays her
Speaker 2: competitive tennis, she's like, deval, what can I do to
Speaker 2: do better at this? How can I move my body?
Speaker 2: She's on the grass with the boys doing work like detox. Yeah,
Speaker 2: she does her things to ensure that because she's like,
Speaker 2: I don't want to be a burden to you guys
Speaker 2: when I'm older. I want to live as long as
Speaker 2: possible as I can with you, all of these boys,
Speaker 2: you know. And then you have some parents that just
Speaker 2: be like, it is what it is.
Speaker 3: You know, it is what it is.
Speaker 2: And it's hard to watch, but I understand your frustration,
Speaker 2: you and your entire family. It's like, you love your dad,
Speaker 2: you want to be there for him, but not a
Speaker 2: doormat to steps on.
Speaker 1: He's not gonna beat nobody up. Tell your brother's to
Speaker 1: hold him accountable, like your pops. Cam, I'm coming to
Speaker 1: wash the dishes. I'm trying. I'm coming to do this right.
Speaker 1: Don't call me sorry yourself, because I'm not gonna come back,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna come do this because I love you.
Speaker 1: Watch your fucking mouth right, Like, sometimes it's okay to
Speaker 1: hold your family. It's accountable the same way they held
Speaker 1: you accountable, especially in an old age. I'm an adult.
Speaker 1: You're not going to talk down to me and expect
Speaker 1: me to do things like I'm a kid, right, not
Speaker 1: doing that. I'm definitely not doing that.
Speaker 2: How about you go find a young thing to wipe
Speaker 2: your ass, sir?
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 7: Yeah, and it seems like says if the lines is temporary,
Speaker 7: it should go away, so it's not chronic.
Speaker 1: He'll be all right.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he'll be all right. He's just going through it
Speaker 3: right now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's hurt if he can't breathe Remember Pops
Speaker 1: went through COPD and you can't brieth It makes you
Speaker 1: irritable because then you can't sleep. Then you emotional because
Speaker 1: you can't sleep, you have sleep deprivation. Still not ex
Speaker 1: used to be an asshold of people, but he is
Speaker 1: going through some things. So you know, if I'm the
Speaker 1: oldest son, that's what I do. I'm the oldest son
Speaker 1: because the oldest daughter, she seems like she's trying. The
Speaker 1: oldest son, the one who got his old family, need
Speaker 1: to go over there and be like, yo, dude, you
Speaker 1: ain't gonna be talking to my sisters like that. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Some people, especially men, deal better
Speaker 1: when another man check them. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's like, Yo, I gotta I gotta tell you, and
Speaker 1: not in a bad way, but it's like, Yo, look
Speaker 1: at how you coming across to the women in our life.
Speaker 2: Bro.
Speaker 1: Sometimes they need to see that and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: you're not doing right. So I would think, tell your
Speaker 1: older brother, or tell your little brother who's the oldest,
Speaker 1: who clearly is doing well in life because he has
Speaker 1: a family of his own and a wife, so he
Speaker 1: understands women. Tell him to talk to your pops.
Speaker 4: He'll do it.
Speaker 1: There's always one that they keep away. Now's not the
Speaker 1: time to keep that went away. Go talk to that.
Speaker 2: Go talk to that exactly all right. I hope everything
Speaker 2: is better with you, and I hope your dad feels
Speaker 2: better soon too. Hopefully that will help a tire demeanor.
Speaker 5: All right, y'all.
Speaker 2: If you want to be featured as a listener letter
Speaker 2: on a future episode, email us at the ellis advice
Speaker 2: at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's t h E E L l I s A
Speaker 1: d v I c E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, moment, true time, we're talking performance anxiety today,
Speaker 2: how we've all experienced it, continue to experience it in
Speaker 2: some facets, and how we've overcome.
Speaker 1: So anybody got this moment true mind was performance anxiety
Speaker 1: comes with reps. It comes with reps and understanding your purpose.
Speaker 1: If you're doing something that you love to do, when
Speaker 1: you really want to do, practice it as much as
Speaker 1: you can so when it's time to do it, you
Speaker 1: can get it done.
Speaker 3: Love that.
Speaker 2: And then you said the P word purpose. So I'm
Speaker 2: going to go back to that little quote that I
Speaker 2: heard that said purpose is the antidote to panic. If
Speaker 2: you understand what your purpose isn't anything that you do,
Speaker 2: whether it's reformative and it's something you enjoy, or whether
Speaker 2: it's just life, it'll definitely be a lot easier for
Speaker 2: you to get rid of the panicing anxiety around it
Speaker 2: because you understand that that's something you're here, you're supposed
Speaker 2: to do. So good luck to everybody finding their purpose
Speaker 2: and kicking performance anxiety.
Speaker 4: Facts Embrace the anxiety excuse me, embrase the anxiety and
Speaker 4: channelmen use it to your advantage.
Speaker 6: Sto Josh, I see I was gonna say, embrace the nervousness.
Speaker 1: And welcome it.
Speaker 6: The only way to overcome and challenge nervousness is by
Speaker 6: getting your reps in the ten thousand hours that we
Speaker 6: know about, uh. And it's a perfect way to become
Speaker 6: an outlier, even if you have perfect performance anxiety because ultimately,
Speaker 6: ultimately it is about performance and you you always want
Speaker 6: to be an outlier while you're you're performing. So ten
Speaker 6: thousand hours, embracing the things, all the things that come
Speaker 6: with it.
Speaker 8: Year ago.
Speaker 7: It's a poem keep it pee because practice makes perfect
Speaker 7: and purpose soothes panic.
Speaker 8: Ah.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's like that was better than a proper preparation
Speaker 2: prevents pits poor performance.
Speaker 8: But it's a similar.
Speaker 3: Oh yes, for sure.
Speaker 1: Teachers use that.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, that's I heard that every day in my
Speaker 3: life at battle him.
Speaker 1: But no, I heard that in Ps. Two o eight.
Speaker 1: But she was Guyanese too. It's not a Jamaican.
Speaker 3: Brashaw. She was back in the day.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all be sure to follow us on Patreon,
Speaker 2: where you can access the after show. So we sit
Speaker 2: and chit chat after the podcast it's over, and you
Speaker 2: can also get exclusive Ellis family content there as well.
Speaker 2: Follow us on social media if you have not been
Speaker 2: already at l us ever After, you can find me
Speaker 2: at Kadeen.
Speaker 4: I Am, i Am Devaal, I'm Underscore Matta Ellis and
Speaker 4: I'm airing Underscore Envy.
Speaker 8: And I'm at Trim's the Cool t ri ib b
Speaker 8: z that cool on everything.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, subscribe,
Speaker 1: and most importantly downad.
Speaker 5: We love y'all.
Speaker 1: Peace God.
Speaker 7: Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted by
Speaker 7: Kadeen and Deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video, Production
Speaker 7: by Joshua Dwyane and Matthew Ellis, video editing by Lashan Rothe.
Speaker 2: A s
Speaker 7: T