WEBVTT - Just Like an Arrow 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:04.640 Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. This episode contains 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:09.119 discussion of physical abuse, animal abuse, and suicidal ideation. Listener 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:10.600 discretion is advised. 0:00:12.920 --> 0:00:16.000 To have children and not be prepared for the possibility 0:00:16.079 --> 0:00:20.040 of schizophrenia. Would be irresponsible, But that's not a reason 0:00:20.120 --> 0:00:23.239 not to have them if I want them. What if 0:00:23.239 --> 0:00:26.560 my grandmother had opted not to have my mother? What 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:29.880 if my mother had opted not to have me. You 0:00:29.960 --> 0:00:32.560 become a mother, and that's who you are. My mother 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:35.400 used to say to me. Would she have been better 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:39.280 off she hadn't become a mother? If not, who would 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:40.199 she have become? 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:48.239 That's Sarah LaBrie, la based TV writer, producer, teacher, and 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:51.839 author of the recent memoir No One Gets to Fall Apart. 0:00:52.960 --> 0:01:00.400 Sarah's is a story of inheritance, inherited trauma, genetic history, violence, brilliant, 0:01:01.040 --> 0:01:08.720 and ultimately, it's a story of triumph, the triumph of creativity, seeking, searching, persevering, 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:24.480 and of love. I'm Danny Shapiro and this is family Secrets, 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:27.080 the secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:30.240 keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves. 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:41.319 I was born in Oakland, and I lived there with 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:43.959 my mom and dad and about a million cousins until 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:47.240 maybe I was one or two, and then my parents 0:01:47.240 --> 0:01:50.600 divorced and my mom brought me back to Houston, and 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:55.120 then I was raised by her and my grandmother and 0:01:55.160 --> 0:02:00.760 my aunt in Texas. And this completely one hundred percent 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:04.600 black Mottle class neighborhood. Everybody get true to black Ginnis 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:07.120 with black. My doctor was black. That was just the 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:10.360 world I knew. I was all matriarchal and women led. 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:17.359 And then when I was about seven, I got to 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:20.600 a private school which was just the opposite of everything 0:02:20.639 --> 0:02:25.800 i'd ever no, never understood. It was also in Houston, 0:02:25.840 --> 0:02:28.960 and a neighborhood called for Brookes, which was like Beberly 0:02:29.000 --> 0:02:33.040 Hells of Hosted and you know, all the children of 0:02:33.120 --> 0:02:36.000 Houston Royalty went there, and I had no idea that 0:02:36.040 --> 0:02:41.639 world even existed and that crossover was. It was interesting 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:43.280 for me because I was I was just child. But 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:46.000 I think it was really hard on my mom. I 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:48.160 think it was frustrating for girl, as a single mom 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:52.320 who had me, which was twenty, to suddenly see this 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:55.920 world of privilege that she hadn't had access to. That 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:58.520 she worried that I would never have real access to 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:03.760 and I think that frustration exacerbated. It's an angerish she said, 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:08.160 she already had. Obviously some frustrations she already had, and 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:10.040 it means my childhood difficult. 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:15.079 Sarah lives with her mom and grandmother in Third Ward, 0:03:15.639 --> 0:03:20.400 a deeply rooted African American community in Houston, but when 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:23.000 it's time for her to go to school, she is 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:26.720 sent to Saint John's in River Oaks, a private school 0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:29.160 fifteen minutes and a world away. 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:34.560 My grandmother was actually a pretty successful business woman in 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:37.360 Third Ward. It's interesting. She was a housing lawyer. She 0:03:37.440 --> 0:03:40.400 worked for the city in the seventies, and she started 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:43.080 her own all female law firm with all black female 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:46.200 lawyers from her law school. And she'd done really well 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.480 for herself. And by the time I was born, she 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:53.280 had left her practice. She'd actually watched her mother die 0:03:53.320 --> 0:03:55.680 of breast cancer and had gone back to school and 0:03:55.720 --> 0:03:59.160 started a natural health company. This was kinda back in 0:03:59.200 --> 0:04:01.720 the eighties when I was really doing that, And so 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:06.240 she became kind of a de facto not doctor, but 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:10.920 kind of paramedical professional for that neighborhood. And so because 0:04:10.920 --> 0:04:14.080 of that, she had access to certain things in certain worlds. 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:18.680 So She knew about Saint John's and she understood the 0:04:18.720 --> 0:04:21.839 opportunities that would come from going to a school like that, 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:25.400 and she made sure that I got on the wait list. 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:27.680 She took me through the testing to get in in 0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:30.080 first grade, and I think she just thought it was 0:04:30.120 --> 0:04:33.080 safer and it was just a better bet for my future. 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:36.680 And my mom did not agree at all and didn't 0:04:36.720 --> 0:04:38.680 want me to go there, and it consed a lot 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:40.200 of difficulty between the two of them. 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:44.560 Tell me about your mom from your childhood, like from 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:49.000 that time, what was your experience of her and you know, 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:52.320 this matriarchal society in your childhood, what did you pick 0:04:52.400 --> 0:04:55.640 up on before age seven? What was your sense of things? 0:04:56.520 --> 0:05:01.080 My mom, she was so beautiful and so beloved, and 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:06.320 she had grown up in Houston, in this community. My 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:09.719 whole family knew everybody, and I think that's something that 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:13.280 can sometimes be easy to forget. I think, you know, 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:16.279 we were, yes, we we we're a black family, but 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:19.600 it wasn't like she was constantly worried about racism or 0:05:19.640 --> 0:05:22.240 being victimized. And same with my grandmother, like just everyone 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:25.680 we knew was black. I cannot stress not enough. And 0:05:26.000 --> 0:05:27.960 that was the world that she wanted me to live 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:32.920 in too. There's something about sort of how strong when 0:05:32.920 --> 0:05:36.440 those bonds are, and how comfortable she felt having gone 0:05:36.520 --> 0:05:39.719 to the high school she went to where you know 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:41.359 a lot of black artists have come out of that 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:44.839 well and hopeful shuvershot as from their maybe Alvin Aley, 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:48.599 just like she felt really proud of that history. And ye, 0:05:48.680 --> 0:05:53.640 she was beautiful, she was smart, but she had a darkness. 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:56.080 I found out more about a since got worse as 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:59.760 I got older. She was reactive. She couldn't really handle 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:03.479 all lot of emotional stress. I think having me so young, 0:06:03.760 --> 0:06:07.239 and then she dropped out of college and moved home 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:09.599 so that my grandmother could help take care of me, 0:06:09.960 --> 0:06:12.800 and she wanted to be a writer, and suddenly just 0:06:12.880 --> 0:06:15.039 everything had changed for her. And I you know, I 0:06:15.080 --> 0:06:17.000 know that she loved me. I don't presented me, but 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:21.080 I do you think my existence represented kind of a 0:06:21.120 --> 0:06:24.560 division and her future and the potential for what her 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:27.200 life could have been. And I don't know how subconscious 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:28.840 so that was for her, how aware of it was 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:30.960 she was. But I think things got hard for her 0:06:31.080 --> 0:06:32.919 after she gave birth to me and moved home. 0:06:34.160 --> 0:06:36.920 And your father was he in the picture at all. 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:41.800 So she had left Houston to go to college. She 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:46.080 ended up going to community college in the Bay Area, 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:48.800 and then she transferred to San Francisco State and that's 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:50.839 where she met my dad. And he was from a 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:55.080 big Catholic family in Oakland, and you know, he's a 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:57.480 sweet guy, but he's not super interested in being a 0:06:57.520 --> 0:07:01.680 responsible father. And the couple different versions of the story, 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:04.680 but from what I understand, he just was not pulling 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:06.760 his weight and was making it very difficult for her 0:07:06.800 --> 0:07:09.360 and their kids. At this point, she was twenty one, 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:12.760 that's how old he was when they got married, and 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:13.960 I think she tried to make a go of it 0:07:14.000 --> 0:07:16.880 for maybe a year or so, and eventually my mom's 0:07:16.920 --> 0:07:22.480 mom actually came and got my mom at NY and 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:24.720 he left my dad behind. You know, my dad now 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:27.640 says he was so devastated, but he knows who knows 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:31.440 that's true. And he came and he visited a little 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:35.480 when I was a kid, but my mom was very 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:38.480 angry with him. And I think when my mom was angry, 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:42.960 it was really scary, and I got tired of big 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:46.200 threat did stop making an effort. He wasn't really in 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:48.680 the picture. I think maybe we would talk a couple 0:07:48.680 --> 0:07:50.760 of tens a year, and that's why I said the case. 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:55.680 So, when you're seven, you go to this new school 0:07:55.800 --> 0:08:00.480 that's very different, just an entirely different world from the 0:08:00.520 --> 0:08:03.160 world that you had grown up in up until that point. 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:10.080 Would you say that's around the time that your mother's 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:15.000 rage started really emerging toward you, or was it something 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:19.800 that you had experienced prior to making that shift that 0:08:19.880 --> 0:08:20.840 was so threatening for her? 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:25.680 Honestly, I think towards me it came even later. It 0:08:25.720 --> 0:08:28.600 was only at this point that I started and now 0:08:28.640 --> 0:08:31.720 in retrospect so that I can see that there was 0:08:31.760 --> 0:08:35.520 a point in second grade where she thought that a 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:38.679 teacher was being racist towards me, And it's entirely possible 0:08:38.720 --> 0:08:40.360 that she was. I don't know. I was one of 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:43.400 two black students in my grade, one of maybe ten 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:46.760 in the whole school of however many, you know, twelve 0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:51.320 hundred people, Keithrie tells hir at school. I remember her, 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:55.120 you know, just ranting and calling for racist. But then 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:57.360 she also kind of set me down and was like, well, 0:08:57.400 --> 0:08:59.679 this woman's going to be racist towards you. I'm going 0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:02.120 to make or she has nothing She complained about with you. 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:04.000 And the problem I think is that I was getting 0:09:04.040 --> 0:09:06.600 vargas on a spelling test, even though my spelling was perfect, 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:09.160 but I was getting handwriting docked, and so she made 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:12.520 me sit down and learn how to have perfect handwriting, 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:15.160 you know, out of kind of rage at this teacher. 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:19.680 So it was almost like a constructive rage or like 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.959 a spite, like you are going to win in spite 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:26.080 of these people. Another time, I remember we were at 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:29.400 a library and I was she was studying. A woman 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:31.880 at a table over shushed me. I remember my mom 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:34.319 lepped across the table. I screamed at this one. I 0:09:34.559 --> 0:09:38.600 called her names, insulted her and for shushing me. And 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:41.000 that was sort of a story in my family about oh, 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:43.240 you know, she's such a mama bear. But it was 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:46.880 also like deeply antisocial behavior. I mean, even though it's sweet, 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:49.160 I think it was a symptom of what was to come. 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:54.120 Did you recognize that as a child, and I asked 0:09:54.120 --> 0:09:57.160 this as the daughter of a very angry mother myself, 0:09:57.480 --> 0:10:01.400 like this feeling, you know that it's not usual, that 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:04.800 it's not you know that not everybody experiences this, or 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:07.600 did you have that feeling as a child the most 0:10:07.600 --> 0:10:10.800 more common feeling that kids have that whatever's going on 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:14.360 in their little universe is normal, that everybody must be 0:10:14.400 --> 0:10:16.240 experiencing this because it's the only world, you know. 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:20.160 Absolutely yeah, I had no idea that everyone's mom wasn't 0:10:20.240 --> 0:10:22.760 like this. I don't think it was until he was 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:25.959 a teenager and I remember a friend saying, oh, you know, 0:10:26.000 --> 0:10:27.280 I got I went and got my nails done with 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:29.040 my mom and we played tennis. So I was like, 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:31.439 you got your nails down, you played tennis with your mom. 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:34.680 What are you talking. I mean, it is possible to 0:10:34.720 --> 0:10:38.120 have sort of a civil relationship with one's mom, as 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:41.080 I think is often the case with what I think 0:10:41.200 --> 0:10:46.559 was ongoing a sporderline personality disorder generally. When I started 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:50.960 to pull away from her so fifth grade, sixth grade, eleven, twelve, thirteen, 0:10:51.040 --> 0:10:53.560 and I started to have my own friends, my own life, 0:10:54.360 --> 0:10:58.760 that was when she became much more, much more physically abusive, 0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:03.320 repeating me over the tiniest things like constantly ranting and 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:06.920 yelling over nothing, always on the drive to school, which 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:09.199 is why I think this school was such a trigger 0:11:09.240 --> 0:11:11.640 for her. And then I think the other thing was 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:16.079 my grandmother bought us this house because for my grandmother 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.120 was very important that I feel comfortable at Saint John's, 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:21.240 that I feel like, you know, the other kids didn't 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:23.400 have stuff that I couldn't have, even though they were 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:26.679 exponentially wealthiard than we were. And so she bought us 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:29.199 a house and the upscale part for board, you know, 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:31.880 where all the black doctors and lawyers lived. And so 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:36.680 suddenly my mom, who was making a nurse's salary, which 0:11:36.720 --> 0:11:39.680 was not very high at that time for her, was 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:43.400 living in this large, you know, three bedroom house with 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:48.240 the sunroom, herbid floors, air, separate garage, laund room, huge backyard. 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:52.040 And she didn't want that. She'd never wanted these trappings 0:11:52.040 --> 0:11:55.160 as well. She thought they were artificial. And she looked 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:58.360 at that house and I think she saw me. Maybe 0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:00.880 around the time I was eleven, we were silly, constantly 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.480 at war, and it just take our stores. 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:09.520 And then it got still worse. In these new surroundings, 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:14.520 Sarah has first won than two, then three dogs. They 0:12:14.559 --> 0:12:19.680 are her companions, they're her friends. Then something happens that 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:22.920 is so traumatic that it changes everything. 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:27.120 So this was the worst thing that had ever happened 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:30.280 to me. For a very long time, I had these dogs. 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.240 You know, think about Texas in the nineties. I think 0:12:33.679 --> 0:12:36.240 the relationship to dogs that people had in general was 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:39.360 very different than it is now. And I had a 0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:42.480 dog that a family friend had found abandoned, and because 0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:45.839 we had a backyard, my grandmother just said, here, you guys, 0:12:45.920 --> 0:12:48.000 take this dog at midnight. I loved him so much 0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:51.600 as white mutt. And then my grandmother, for some reason, 0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:56.480 bought me an akc registered Now you know, I loved 0:12:57.000 --> 0:13:01.320 his dog so much. And then my mom, maybe out 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:04.240 of rivalry with my grandmother or something, I don't know, 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:09.320 got me another Schnauzer puppy I don't I don't know why. 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:12.320 So suddenly I had three dogs. I was maybe eleven 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:14.480 years old. My mom had no one testing taking care 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:16.720 of these dogs, and they barked a lot at night, 0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:18.920 and the neighbors would complain, and you know, I did 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:21.040 what I could, but I got a certain point. My 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:22.920 mom and I got to one of our mini fights, 0:13:22.920 --> 0:13:25.520 and I the dogs were out of food and I 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:27.360 wanted her to pick them up. She just had it out. 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:28.880 I want her to grab some on the way home. 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:31.600 She got mad at me for asking, and she yelled 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.720 at me in this really cruel way, like she often did. 0:13:34.800 --> 0:13:38.319 I really hurt my feelings. I threw I can of 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:42.439 bugspray or something at my bedroom window, and I broke it. 0:13:42.600 --> 0:13:44.719 I was so scared because I knew that I was 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:48.080 going to get so much trouble. And so I wrote 0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:51.160 a letter explaining what I had done and apologizing so 0:13:51.160 --> 0:13:53.440 she wouldn't find it be surprised. And I put it 0:13:53.480 --> 0:13:55.600 at the bottom of the stairs so she'd find it 0:13:55.600 --> 0:13:58.000 as her child. And she got home and she read it, 0:13:58.080 --> 0:14:00.240 she even saying, and she just like came up in 0:14:00.240 --> 0:14:02.200 the car. She got all three dogs. But then in 0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:04.959 the car she had this land Cruiser suv that my 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:09.360 grandmother had bought for her, and drove to a parking 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:11.920 lot like a pet coke off the side of the highway. 0:14:12.040 --> 0:14:14.280 The head store was closed and where she thought was 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.959 gonna happen, and she pulled into the parking lot, opened 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:19.400 the doors and just shoved the dogs out into the 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:22.320 parking lot and drove off with me still in the 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:25.040 car and the dog. She's behind us up on the highway, 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:28.920 and then you know saw me, I screaming, I didn't 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:31.160 I have no idea that she was going to do that. 0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:33.520 And I didn't know how to stop it. And then 0:14:33.560 --> 0:14:37.880 when I got home, she sent me over the side 0:14:37.880 --> 0:14:39.880 of the bathtob and beat me with a belt, which 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:42.320 was something that she often did. But yeah, I didn't 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:45.160 know why she was doing any of this at the time. 0:14:45.240 --> 0:14:47.320 I just thought that I was just so horrible that 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:50.600 I deserved this. And I remember going to bed and 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:56.920 the windows still being broken, and there were june bugs 0:14:57.080 --> 0:15:00.160 at this time of year in Houston, could hear, and 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:02.200 I was so scared. They're as terrified of them, and 0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:05.080 they're going to fly in through the window. And I 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:08.640 stayed up all night staring at that that whole glass, 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:11.800 the window. And after that I pretty much stopped talking 0:15:11.840 --> 0:15:14.800 to my mom for a long time, and I just 0:15:14.880 --> 0:15:17.640 I think that was when I understood, oh, Okay, something 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:22.800 is seriously broken here. That's maybe bigger than I knew before. 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:46.320 We'll be right back. When eighth grade rolls around, Sarah 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:52.640 starts emailing colleges. Yes, these emails are way premature, but 0:15:52.760 --> 0:15:55.920 she's hatching an escape plan and the process needs to 0:15:55.920 --> 0:16:00.760 start early. The ground must be laid to get out. 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:08.360 I think I understood that because of the opportunities provided 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:12.560 for me by the school. I had a lot more 0:16:13.920 --> 0:16:18.240 access to the larger world than maybe somebody had gone 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:20.400 to a different school would. And I was like, how 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:23.920 do I just make sure that I get into the 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:27.280 best college I possibly can and then never have to 0:16:27.320 --> 0:16:29.320 come back here. I can just leave and never come 0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:32.560 back because I knew older students who had done that. Yeah, 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.400 it's strange to think about, but I just somehow knew, like, oh, 0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:38.440 I'm just gonna email. I remember emailing USC and thing 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:40.920 like here I am, I'd love to come here. Let 0:16:40.920 --> 0:16:42.840 me know what I need to do. And they were like, 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:45.040 you're way too young to be in touch with us, 0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:49.240 And I just kept emailing, just stayed in touch, did 0:16:49.280 --> 0:16:53.240 the summer programs, did the AP classes, volunteered, kept my 0:16:53.280 --> 0:16:56.480 grades up as high as possible. Like my whole body 0:16:56.680 --> 0:17:00.400 was just like an arrows to leaving how and never 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:01.000 coming back. 0:17:01.960 --> 0:17:05.320 Did you have anyone in your life that was like 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:10.119 in any way mentoring you or helping you become that arrow? 0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:12.560 Or was this all you? And was there a teacher? 0:17:12.760 --> 0:17:16.000 Was there anybody? Or was this just driven by your 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:18.600 own capacity and intense desire? 0:17:19.359 --> 0:17:23.080 I think indirectly, yes, I was always like the English 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:26.640 teacher's favorite. I would win the writing awards, and that 0:17:26.800 --> 0:17:30.040 was that was something I knew I was good at, 0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:32.880 and I think teachers expected me to be good at 0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:34.919 and to each year they would kind of hould me 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:38.120 up to a certain standard, and I think being held 0:17:38.200 --> 0:17:40.960 up to that standard was what gave me the confidence 0:17:41.040 --> 0:17:43.600 to think, Okay, well, I can lean on this and 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:45.680 hopefully a get into like a good college with a 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:47.959 full fellowship, and I just have to figure out how 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:50.440 to do it. What I think is probably a story 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:52.119 for a lot of kids who love to read and 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:54.240 love to write. You just realize, ok, hey, this could 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:56.679 be this could be my thing, and if you have 0:17:56.800 --> 0:18:00.520 the right teachers, it can become your thing. They didn't 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:03.480 know what was going on at home. I think, you know, 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:06.680 there were glimpses here and there, but for the most part, 0:18:06.720 --> 0:18:09.720 I just leaned into that sort of kindness that came 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:12.600 from those classrooms. 0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:18.639 Sarah's grandmother is on the one hand, responsible for Sarah 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:22.760 attending the school in River Oaks, but she's also focused 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:27.520 on keeping Sarah connected to her own culture and history. 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:30.320 I think what was very lucky was that I had 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:34.119 my grandmother Earth and she, you know, she was the 0:18:34.119 --> 0:18:35.920 one who had gotten me into this school, but I 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:38.000 think you a part of her felt like, all right, 0:18:38.040 --> 0:18:40.200 but you need to also stay connected to who you 0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:42.600 are and who your roots are, so we would travel 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:45.240 to Africa together. You know. She did really try to 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:49.080 keep me fully embedded in this third word community that 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:51.240 had been her home and was my home. But at 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:53.879 the same time I did pull away from that. I 0:18:53.880 --> 0:18:56.399 think there was a part of me that wanted to 0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:59.560 be loved at school, that wanted to assimilate, and that 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:01.760 meant that I changed the way I talked, you know, 0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:06.040 I straightened my hair. I tried to just be, you know, 0:19:06.119 --> 0:19:10.400 as skinny as possible and as pretty and perfect as possible. 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:13.880 And there was always kind of this division in terms 0:19:13.960 --> 0:19:18.840 of like culture and taste and even language between what 0:19:18.960 --> 0:19:22.400 the school offered, which to me seemed like the doorway 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:26.560 to wealth and success and freedom and life, and then 0:19:27.680 --> 0:19:30.920 my home and sort of my roots in this place 0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:33.160 where my aunt was and my mom and my grandmother 0:19:33.240 --> 0:19:35.800 that had been our home you know for decades and 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:38.200 for generations, and I kind of just had to live 0:19:38.240 --> 0:19:41.119 with that divide inside me for a long time. I 0:19:41.160 --> 0:19:42.240 probably still do. 0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:49.160 Sarah's plan that first begins in eighth grade, works and 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:52.560 she's admitted to Brown University in two thousand and three. 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:57.280 Brown is a great school, an ivy, and perhaps it 0:19:57.320 --> 0:20:01.359 goes without saying, a super privileged place, a bastion of 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:05.399 wealth and whiteness that makes even Saint John's look like 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:06.200 child's play. 0:20:07.960 --> 0:20:13.000 I was terrified to feel anything, and I was on 0:20:13.040 --> 0:20:16.320 the opposite side of the country, and I was experiencing 0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:19.320 extremely cold weather for the first time, and I was 0:20:19.359 --> 0:20:21.600 still dealing with all of the residual effects of my 0:20:21.720 --> 0:20:25.520 childhood and none of that had been resolved. And also, 0:20:25.680 --> 0:20:28.720 I don't come from the family where you use the 0:20:28.720 --> 0:20:31.560 word depression, or you talk about medication, or you talk 0:20:31.560 --> 0:20:33.720 about singether. I didn't even know I was allowed to 0:20:33.720 --> 0:20:36.680 see a therapist. So by the time I got there, 0:20:36.760 --> 0:20:39.359 I was, you know, beyond divided. I think I was 0:20:39.400 --> 0:20:42.080 already just practically on the verge of shattering. I was 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:46.640 so fragile psychically, and I didn't quite know it. And 0:20:46.680 --> 0:20:51.080 the stress of being in that that sort of hothouse 0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:54.800 environment is that like deeply rarefied world where yes, everyone 0:20:55.160 --> 0:20:57.600 comes from amounts of money, you didn't even know where 0:20:57.640 --> 0:21:01.760 possible people are literal Royalty and you're hanging out with them, 0:21:01.800 --> 0:21:04.160 your friends are dating them, you're dating them, your exes 0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:06.520 are dating them, and you, you know, every second of 0:21:06.520 --> 0:21:09.080 every day, you're just like, what am I doing here? 0:21:09.119 --> 0:21:11.840 I don't belong here, but I have nowhere else to go, 0:21:11.960 --> 0:21:14.480 and so I have to make it work. I think 0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:17.720 that would maybe be enough to break anybody, but it 0:21:17.760 --> 0:21:21.400 was immensely difficult. Also at the same time, you're experiencing 0:21:21.400 --> 0:21:24.040 this incredible privilege. I mean, I was a brown I 0:21:24.080 --> 0:21:26.639 was at an ivy like school. I'd done it, you know, 0:21:26.760 --> 0:21:29.760 a black girl makes good like that's what the story 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:31.639 is supposed to be. But all I wanted to do 0:21:32.640 --> 0:21:34.480 was go home. And then I knew if I went 0:21:34.520 --> 0:21:37.240 home it wouldn't work. It would be horrible too. So 0:21:38.359 --> 0:21:39.679 it was just terrible. 0:21:41.320 --> 0:21:44.919 Despite the sense of not belonging. Sarah does make a 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:48.760 very good friend, and pretty much right away at orientation. 0:21:49.880 --> 0:21:52.879 Her name is Sadie and they have an instant kinship. 0:21:53.440 --> 0:21:54.520 But it's complicated. 0:21:55.840 --> 0:21:59.840 Sadie was much more of the world. Just even doing 0:22:00.480 --> 0:22:03.399 like that was just at pleast where she felt comfortable. 0:22:04.480 --> 0:22:07.600 She wasn't an outsider, it was she knew what these 0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:10.720 sort of all the academic counts were like and we 0:22:10.720 --> 0:22:14.160 were real black and we both wanted to write, and 0:22:14.359 --> 0:22:16.560 everything just seemed too much easier for her, and she 0:22:16.600 --> 0:22:18.919 sort of flowed through these various worlds and everyone had 0:22:18.920 --> 0:22:21.600 a crush on her, and she just impressed everyone. And 0:22:21.640 --> 0:22:23.359 she held out her hand to me and said, you know, 0:22:23.400 --> 0:22:25.000 come on, come with me. I'm going to show you 0:22:25.080 --> 0:22:28.320 how to do this. And that active kindness sort of 0:22:28.920 --> 0:22:31.119 changed my whole life and my whole factory at Brown. 0:22:32.600 --> 0:22:35.679 So this was the era of the hipster and there 0:22:35.680 --> 0:22:40.880 were all these rich hipster boys who lorded over Brown 0:22:41.040 --> 0:22:43.560 and knew it. You know, they underserved their status was 0:22:43.600 --> 0:22:45.880 and it was seen as a privilege to be among 0:22:45.920 --> 0:22:49.680