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Speaker 1: Lisa Lampanelli is not a licensed therapist or life coach.

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Speaker 1: She is a meddling advice giving yana and know it all,

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Speaker 1: and her words come from her head, her heart, and

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Speaker 1: often out of her ass. This podcast should not be

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Speaker 1: misconstrued as therapy. I should be taking with a huge

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Speaker 1: strain of salt for entertainment purposes only.

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Speaker 2: These You need help, you're the problems. Come on, come down,

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Speaker 2: go lamb, take a pill. I think you're insane. Do

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Speaker 2: what I said, dumb ass.

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Speaker 3: Listen to me.

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Speaker 2: You yeah, but you never stand up during the podcast before. Sorry, guys,

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Speaker 2: we have to put all that on the air because

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Speaker 2: she suddenly sell you our freaking quote unquote producer slash

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Speaker 2: glorified intern jumps up during the intro song throws me

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Speaker 2: off because she's like, oh, I gotta make sure it's recording. Listen.

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Speaker 2: If you are not recording this, I've wasted my morning.

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Speaker 2: I was so happy it was going well. We're driving

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Speaker 2: into Connecticut. I had taken a nice poop I'll say

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Speaker 2: before in the car, a pre show poop at my house.

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Speaker 2: Because sometimes with the timing, you get worried and you

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Speaker 2: gotta hold it through the whole show. You know, not

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Speaker 2: that anyone in this studio hasn't shipped a chair. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 2: trust me, there's been some shatting.

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Speaker 3: I'm shitting right now. I don't know whose chair this is.

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Speaker 2: Well, hope that yeah, I don't know whose shared is either.

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Speaker 2: Who is it? Oh it's a Nate at the guy,

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Speaker 2: another straight white guy who's ruining America. Speaking of straight

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Speaker 2: guys who are ruining America, welcome Nixco Paletti. This is,

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Speaker 2: by the way, shrike this with Lisa Labinelley. Im Lisa

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Speaker 2: labin Ali. You can find me on social nowhere. I

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Speaker 2: don't care. Okay, it's at Lisa Lampinelli. And then that's

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Speaker 2: on the Instagram Nick, and then there's the the TikTok,

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Speaker 2: which is at the real Lisa Lampinelli because somebody stole

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Speaker 2: my name. Really, yes, it was probably Kathy Griffin, now,

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Speaker 2: who I like and we're friends. Anyway, Nick Scopoletti, our

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Speaker 2: token white devil is here. Now this is a non

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Speaker 2: cursing podcast, So dare you Oh yeah, cunt yeah.

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Speaker 3: Cut yeah.

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Speaker 2: We had a cunt heavy episode a couple of weeks ago,

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Speaker 2: and you'd think I would be like, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 2: I was happy. I said, you know, sometimes cunts deserve

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Speaker 2: a place. And speaking of kunts who have a place,

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Speaker 2: Celia is here and she's pretending to look very studious

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Speaker 2: about our recording. And I've noticed that Celia has a

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Speaker 2: panic stricken look every time I mentioned her. Don't worry,

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Speaker 2: she's doing your job. Are you doing your job, Celia?

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Speaker 4: I am.

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Speaker 2: Is it recording?

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Speaker 4: Yes?

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Speaker 2: God, that would suck. If it didn't, we would have

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Speaker 2: lost all that magic.

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Speaker 3: Oh, I wouldn't lost this, guys. You could follow me

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Speaker 3: at Nick.

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Speaker 2: Such a dick. Nick. This is the thing, you guys

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Speaker 2: know that every time I bring up an issue on

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Speaker 2: the podcast, it's something I've gone through recently. And let

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Speaker 2: me tell you, what's your cock? What's your girlfriend here? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Your dad? He sucks for one. Get it anyway, It's

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Speaker 2: always something somebody does to me. They victimize me in

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Speaker 2: some way, and I have to create an episode about it.

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Speaker 2: So a couple of weeks ago, Oh, Nick pissed me

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Speaker 2: off and he doesn't even know I'm going to talk

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Speaker 2: about this, and he has no idea what I'm gonna say,

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Speaker 2: because the subject of this episode is quote, leave a

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Speaker 2: tender moment alone, And that is of course the Billy

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Speaker 2: Joel song, which in which he was inspired by Christy Brinkley.

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Speaker 2: When they were dating, she noticed that every time they'd

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Speaker 2: have a serious moment or a little sweetness between them,

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Speaker 2: he would have to crack a joke just to deflect,

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Speaker 2: because feelings are difficult to feel. It's very hard if

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Speaker 2: you have a humor, a sense of humor, a humorous

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Speaker 2: bone in your body. And if there's ever a humorous bone,

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Speaker 2: it's nick you deflect with humor. But I've done it, obviously,

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Speaker 2: I still do it. But Nick pissed me off. Celia,

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Speaker 2: don't be reading your email right now. Listen up. We're

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Speaker 2: sitting there. And I had what I felt was a

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Speaker 2: very scary experience. I was on a Tuesday. I went

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Speaker 2: and now I don't view a cemetery as a necessarily

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Speaker 2: sad place. I've viewed as a place where you would go,

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Speaker 2: you know, you plant flowers for the people. It's kind nice,

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Speaker 2: you get a little like a little tenderness maybe, But

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Speaker 2: for the most part that Tuesday, I was there just

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Speaker 2: to water the flowers, make sure they didn't die on

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Speaker 2: my parents' graves and my grandparents. So there's an unwritten

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Speaker 2: rule that I think ninety nine percent of people would

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Speaker 2: agree with that. If someone's in the cemetery, you don't

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Speaker 2: fucking talk to them. They could be having an emotional moment,

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Speaker 2: they could be having something going on. I wasn't that day,

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Speaker 2: but in any case, this very How do you say

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Speaker 2: a guy who looked homeless and be politically correct? How

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Speaker 2: do you say that a guy looks like he was

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Speaker 2: like no, a guy no, no, a guy who looks no.

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Speaker 2: This is how they say it now, a man who

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Speaker 2: looked like he was experiencing homelessness because they try not

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Speaker 2: to ident I'm sorry, but that's politically correct that I'm

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Speaker 2: going to use the right terminology. So I go there,

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Speaker 2: and this guy who looks very disheveled, looks like he may,

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Speaker 2: at some point in the very near future, exit bearing's

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Speaker 2: homelessness or find his home in that cemetery above ground

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Speaker 2: in the woods recognize me, which, by the way, always

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Speaker 2: shocks me that I'm recognized anymore, because I look so

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Speaker 2: different than when I was doing comedy. And he makes

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Speaker 2: an insulting joke to me. First of all, I have

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Speaker 2: a hot button when unfunny people try to be funny.

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Speaker 2: When audience members used to in the old day's poke

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Speaker 2: at you, It's like, no, the reason I'm famous for

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Speaker 2: insulting people is because I'm good at it. I don't

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Speaker 2: mean it, and I can get away with it, and

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Speaker 2: I have a good heart. So Nick, you've experienced this

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Speaker 2: is of course after shows, people come up and try

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Speaker 2: to be broy and funny with you. Does that bug

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Speaker 2: the shit out of you as a comedian?

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Speaker 3: It depends. It really depends on how all I could

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Speaker 3: say this. It depends if they're being like a douchey

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Speaker 3: about it, like you know that the least favorite thing.

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Speaker 3: This is my least favorite thing. Yeah, when they go,

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Speaker 3: you know, like I've been told I got like some oh.

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Speaker 2: I've ended When I used to date, I ended a

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Speaker 2: date after twenty minutes because the guy goes, you know,

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Speaker 2: I've been told I'm funny. I said, check please, because

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Speaker 2: guess what. And I go, well, guess what you're not.

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Speaker 2: And you're implying it's easy. It's like me saying I

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Speaker 2: could have been a lawyer, like I probably couldn't. That

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Speaker 2: requires a intelligence I don't have. So I'm like, uh no,

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Speaker 2: So I always hated that. That's why I loved I

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Speaker 2: talked in the past about Canadian audiences, how they're the

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Speaker 2: best because they're so respectful and they're just like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I miss Lampinelli, and they would never joke with you.

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Speaker 2: So anyway, this chooch comes up to me at the

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Speaker 2: cemetery and I used to in the past joke about

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Speaker 2: having a big ass. Clearly I don't anymore because I'm

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Speaker 2: at forty pounds. Thank you. Was embic skin me. Yes,

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Speaker 2: he's so adsy, so he I used to to joke

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Speaker 2: about having a big ass. So he goes and he

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Speaker 2: looks very scruffy and rough. This guy, so you most

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Speaker 2: people would not want to banter with him anyway. So,

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Speaker 2: first of all, the boundary of being in a cemetery

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Speaker 2: didn't stop him. Second, the boundary of being like I

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Speaker 2: shouldn't probably approaching anyone who's female because I look like

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Speaker 2: this in the mirror. Ah, he looks scary. He comes

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Speaker 2: up and he goes, hey's that the big ass insult comic?

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Speaker 2: And I literally stopped watering the plant. I looked him

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Speaker 2: right in the eyes, and I go, that's really inappropriate.

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Speaker 2: Give him where we are. I don't think you should

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Speaker 2: insult anyone in a cemetery. And he goes, we have

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Speaker 2: like they start losing their fucking steam. You were a comic,

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Speaker 2: I go, I was, And then I go to eleven

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Speaker 2: and I'm very proud of myself because I have to

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Speaker 2: scare him off because he could you know, who knows

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Speaker 2: I'm a woman. He could like have something. No, he

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Speaker 2: could have like a knife or something or be nuts.

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Speaker 2: And so I gotta get loud because there's no when

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Speaker 2: else around. And I started yelling. I won't do volume here,

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Speaker 2: but I yelled, now shut up up and get the

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Speaker 2: fuck out here, but loud what I call the Gloria yell,

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Speaker 2: which Glorious was my mother and she had the loudest

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Speaker 2: yell ever, and it's very fucking scary. So I got

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Speaker 2: very My face was like a cloud. I was like,

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Speaker 2: he got so scared, he starts wheeling away, and I'm

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Speaker 2: like kind of scared. Oh he on his bike?

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Speaker 5: Oh yeah, yeah, Oh no. I wish I wonder how

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Speaker 5: it would have gone if he was in a wheelchair,

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Speaker 5: because I probably would have been like move on, and

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Speaker 5: because I would, but I wouldn't have been physically scared.

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Speaker 2: So I think any woman's physically scared when a guy

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Speaker 2: comes up to them. So I'm he he wheels away

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Speaker 2: on his bike, and I remember that I'm in a

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Speaker 2: small town. Anyone can look up where anyone lives. It's

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Speaker 2: not hard to look up anybody you want. And I remember,

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Speaker 2: and this has never happened before. I had left the

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Speaker 2: back door unlocked because my driveway was getting paved, and

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Speaker 2: I'm like, holy crap, if he goes over my house,

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Speaker 2: My dogs are in there. They're little. They certainly can't

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Speaker 2: defend me, because he'd have a piece of steak from

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Speaker 2: his fucking stolen meal and they suck a dick for that.

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Speaker 2: They wouldn't kill him. So I bump into a town

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Speaker 2: cop on the way, and they all know me because

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Speaker 2: my battle LIKEX mother used to work at the police

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Speaker 2: station and scare everybody with the l And I said,

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Speaker 2: you know, if you heard of this guy, and I

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Speaker 2: gave him a description, goes no, but you want us

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Speaker 2: to like follow the ear in a house, you know,

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Speaker 2: we might do a search of the house if you

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Speaker 2: want to go no, no, no, So I go in.

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Speaker 2: I search everything because I'm like a woman, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 2: like I'm tough, I'm formidable, but Jesus, you get scared.

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Speaker 2: So I'm so angry. I locked the doors. I never

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Speaker 2: have the doors locked it unless it's at night. I

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Speaker 2: freaking put on the alarm during the day, Are you

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Speaker 2: kidding me? So I feel like captive in this house.

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Speaker 2: So that night this is you know, I'm less mad

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Speaker 2: at the homeless guy than I got mad at Nick.

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Speaker 2: Because this Nick, God forbid, he would take anybody seriously

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Speaker 2: but his own damn self or a girl he wants

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Speaker 2: to fuck. So since I'm in neither of those categories

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Speaker 2: that I am with him at comedy class. So I

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Speaker 2: say to him this. I teach this little class to

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Speaker 2: adults who have very little talent on Wednesday night, just kidding.

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Speaker 2: Most of them are fine other than Nick. So I say, hey, man,

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Speaker 2: walk me to my car. Not like the guy could

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Speaker 2: have followed me there, but I just was like, just

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Speaker 2: come down in my car. I freaking tell Nick. I go, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I had a really scary experience in the And I'm

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Speaker 2: not laughing at all, Like I'm literally like, wow, I'm

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Speaker 2: really going to take a risk and tell this guy

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Speaker 2: what happened. And I go, man, I had a really

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Speaker 2: scary thing happened at the cemetery. I start telling him,

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Speaker 2: and I literally see the wheels turning in his head.

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Speaker 2: How he can make light of this. And again, I'm

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Speaker 2: smart enough as a human to know it's not because

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Speaker 2: he doesn't care. He just can't fucking handle anyone telling

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Speaker 2: him anything that requires empathy or sympathy when he's in

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Speaker 2: whatever fucking dumb mood he's in. So he's like, oh so,

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Speaker 2: and I'm just like I knew to short something very

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Speaker 2: deflective of like, hey man, like I said, Nick, it's

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Speaker 2: really serious. I had a Mason in the car and

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Speaker 2: you go, and then he goes, can you imagine, like

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Speaker 2: why don't you just get a gun? Can you imagine

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Speaker 2: if you had a gun, you'd like shoot everybody? And

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Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, Like, so whatever you're saying, it's not funny,

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Speaker 2: it'd be funny because I would shoot a lot of.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 2: I can't even throw a punch. I throw a punch

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Speaker 2: like a girl. I like, I'm help me. So I

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Speaker 2: in my heart, I'm like, he does not get it.

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Speaker 2: He's not going to be able to handle right now

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Speaker 2: me saying to him, dude, all you had to do

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Speaker 2: is listen. I knew you couldn't hear that. But the

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Speaker 2: next time I was like, fuck this motherfucker. I know

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Speaker 2: we didn't mean it. He cannot leave a tender moment alone.

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Speaker 2: He cannot do what I need him to do in

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Speaker 2: this moment. I have to accept him for who he is.

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Speaker 2: I have to now view this as Nick cannot handle

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Speaker 2: me talking seriously to him, but I can handle him

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Speaker 2: talking seriously to me. So I have to readjust the

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Speaker 2: friendship in my mind. And you don't go to the

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Speaker 2: well that's dry for water. You know, Nick is a

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Speaker 2: dry She's dry as a fucking bone. Now I'm not

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Speaker 2: gonna get anything. See, I'm not going to get anything.

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Speaker 2: And that's why the subjects of this came up, because

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Speaker 2: there's so many of us who have used humor to deflect,

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Speaker 2: who are turning people off. But those people aren't as

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Speaker 2: kind as me. You still want to be friends with them,

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Speaker 2: they'll cut you off instead. I'm like, Oh, I just

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Speaker 2: who you tell these stories to? I feel you and

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Speaker 2: everyone in the universe other than true sociopaths or narcissists

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Speaker 2: do the best they can in any moment. That was

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Speaker 2: the best you could in that moment, And if it

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Speaker 2: was your like if you were dating somebody, if that

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Speaker 2: was them, they might get really pissed and be like

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Speaker 2: I can't trust you with my feelings, gobblinob But I

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Speaker 2: was like mad. But then I was like, well that's him,

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Speaker 2: Like what are you doing? So do you have anything

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Speaker 2: any input of what was going on? Do you even

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Speaker 2: remember this happening or did you blanket out as fucking

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Speaker 2: fast as it happened.

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Speaker 3: Oh no, I'm remembering because I think you told me

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Speaker 3: because we were one on one on the at the

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Speaker 3: night before at the diner and you told me the

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Speaker 3: story about them. Oh I didn't, Yeah, the homeless guy

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Speaker 3: and the thing, and you're like, I was fucking nervous.

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Speaker 3: I got into my driveway and I remember like being

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Speaker 3: tender in that moment. I think the next night I

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Speaker 3: saw you at class and you're like, and I have

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Speaker 3: to have mace in the car. And then I was like, oh,

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Speaker 3: like I thought then it was okay because I was

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Speaker 3: serious the night before, Oh okay, made no jokes, which like, honestly,

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Speaker 3: it was like, Oh, that's fucking shitty that happens, especially

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Speaker 3: the cemetery. So I think that's all weird too, right,

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Speaker 3: the weirdest.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, By the way, never go up to anyone in

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Speaker 2: a cemetery other than like, if you want to dig

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Speaker 2: up a body and get the jewelry, that you can do,

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Speaker 2: but don't be doing this. Who's burying anyone with jewelry?

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Speaker 2: Like I remember Goublesser when my mom died, the funeral

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Speaker 2: directors like, well, yeah, we take it. We would never

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Speaker 2: bury her with her wedding rings and stuff, like you.

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Speaker 3: Just would do that too. Anyway, the technicalities of like

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Speaker 3: you have to dig six feet and then open a

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Speaker 3: box to get jewelry, like, no, there's other ways to

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Speaker 3: steal ship.

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Speaker 2: That's for a future podcast, how Grave Rob Week It's insane,

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Speaker 2: but so so you felt that I had had my

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Speaker 2: share of upsetnists about this, and you, as the Great

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Speaker 2: grand Pooba, get to dictate, Hey, it's been twenty four hours,

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Speaker 2: this should be over it.

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Speaker 3: Correct. Yeah, I guess I was like I was serious

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Speaker 3: last night. I didn't think I actually didn't think any

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Speaker 3: of this, right. I just remember you telling me the

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Speaker 3: night before at the diner, and then like you're saying

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Speaker 3: I joked Wednesday, And I was like, that's probably why

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Speaker 3: I did joke, because I was like, oh, because when

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Speaker 3: you said I don't know, I just you was a gun,

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Speaker 3: it would be the best.

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Speaker 2: Okay, But but there's that old adage that Alan King

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Speaker 2: had said, comedy is tragedy plus time. So you felt

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Speaker 2: like you gave me enough time twenty four hours to

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Speaker 2: be scared and that's it.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, okay, well thank you for telling me.

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Speaker 3: Well, also, I'll kill anyone if you want me to.

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Speaker 3: I got you.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if that's true. I don't trust you, okay, Okay,

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Speaker 2: do you. I don't think you would. I think you

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Speaker 2: easily say it. But if I was to call you

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Speaker 2: and say, hey, the man ex hearing houselessness is in

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Speaker 2: the cemetery right now, can you come over, I think

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Speaker 2: you'd be like, dude, I'm on my break at work.

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Speaker 2: I rarely get any time to myself.

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Speaker 3: I mean, there'd be other people to call before me.

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Speaker 2: But if there's one hundred and fifty people to call

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Speaker 2: before you, like the firemen, hot guys.

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Speaker 3: But I'm saying, if like something, if you really needed something,

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Speaker 3: for sure, I brought meds to your house once or twice.

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Speaker 2: I think, right, it's gotta be once because I don't

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Speaker 2: even remember there. Once you're sick as I remember, and

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Speaker 2: then once you also put together my outdoor patio furniture

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Speaker 2: with bo and which, by the way, it's always been

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Speaker 2: a little wonky. I have to be honest with you.

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Speaker 2: I feel like it's gonna fall. No, not Tod, but

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Speaker 2: so In does this again. I let it go because

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Speaker 2: I am a generous human who feels people do the

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Speaker 2: best they can, so I have to forgive. So probably

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Speaker 2: there's other people out there who are saying, oh, Lisa

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Speaker 2: is doing the best she can. I have to forgive.

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Speaker 2: So I let it go. But I think this is

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Speaker 2: a common problem with people. Yeah, this must happened to

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Speaker 2: you a lot. Well, no, it's definitely you do it

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Speaker 2: a lot. Yeah where I live. Yeah, so shut up.

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Speaker 2: What does that come from? Where do you think it

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Speaker 2: comes from? Because we all do it.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I mean the word the buzzword is trauma, right,

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Speaker 3: but like just wanting everything to be okay and like

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Speaker 3: distracting with Like I actually told this story recently. I

334
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Speaker 3: was I was being a little self deprecating about something.

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Speaker 3: The person I was with was like, I don't like

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Speaker 3: when you do that, blah blah blah, and I was like,

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Speaker 3: I understand, Like I don't actually feel that way about myself,

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Speaker 3: Like I am confident. I just this is how I've

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Speaker 3: been my whole life. And I said example I gave

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Speaker 3: her was when I was in Kids still talk about this.

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Speaker 3: When I was in fifth grade, we went on like

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Speaker 3: a field trip to Washington, d C. For two days

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Speaker 3: and then Gettysburg. Right. I always grew up in areas

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Speaker 3: like Westchester County and Fairfield County, so I grew up

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Speaker 3: around tremendous wealth, and I was like not so much. Right.

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Speaker 3: So I remember being on the bus and we're all talking,

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Speaker 3: and all the kids are talking about like their dads

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Speaker 3: and what they do, and like, you know, these are

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Speaker 3: all at the time, it's you know, I was in Westchester,

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Speaker 3: so it's all like Wall Street guys and the amount

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Speaker 3: of money these kids have blah blah blah. And I

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Speaker 3: remember cracking a joke I found weirdly, I had cargo

353
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Speaker 3: shorts on and I found like a tube sock in

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Speaker 3: my car fifth grade and I was on my own,

355
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Speaker 3: so I didn't know how to pack it.

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Speaker 2: Is that a tube sock.

357
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Speaker 3: Me? So I literally I was like, oh shit, And

358
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Speaker 3: I put the tubesack out of my hand and I

359
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,240
Speaker 3: pretended to talk with it, and I was like, my

360
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,840
Speaker 3: dad puts cream cheese on bagels because he owned a

361
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Speaker 3: bagel shop. They all fucking died. But it was my

362
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Speaker 3: way of like being like, oh, my dad's not nearly

363
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Speaker 3: as successful, right, And I'm like I was like, if

364
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Speaker 3: your dad's need to eat, you're my dad's got like

365
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Speaker 3: fucked if my dad's like I was trying to like

366
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Speaker 3: make a joke and everyone laughed about it and they're

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Speaker 3: like remember that, and I'm thirty seven now, still be like, dude,

368
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Speaker 3: remember that on the bus?

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 2: So it's a way to connect. Humor's a way to

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Speaker 2: connect and make friends, but it's also a way to

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Speaker 2: like really alienate people and make enemies. Sure, because if

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Speaker 2: you're dating someone and they constantly every time it gets

374
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Speaker 2: like tender or sweet, those are really threatening emotions. It's

375
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Speaker 2: so hard to be like seen by someone emotionally. It's

376
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Speaker 2: really gonna like put a crimp in the relationship. Yeah,

377
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Speaker 2: I mean that's where the song comes from. You know.

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Speaker 2: Luckily Christy Brinkley hunting there as long as she could. Man,

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Speaker 2: you know, but it's just like, so, I mean I

380
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Speaker 2: remember dating, and you do feel really weird that you

381
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,280
Speaker 2: either have to say something stupid or inappropriate. Or just

382
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Speaker 2: make them laugh because that's where we live, but there's

383
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Speaker 2: no growth in staying there.

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Speaker 3: I think with the Billy Joel story too, what first

385
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,639
Speaker 3: came to my mind was the fact that like, he

386
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,399
Speaker 3: looks like how he looks, and she looks like how

387
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:52,879
Speaker 3: she looks.

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Speaker 2: Okay, if we're doing that, we're gonna talk about you

389
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,400
Speaker 2: and dating because you got some hot chicks and look

390
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Speaker 2: at you.

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Speaker 3: That's exactly I mean too. This is what I'm saying, yea,

392
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Speaker 3: is that if they're having a serious tender moment and

393
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Speaker 3: maybe he can't even accept that a woman that that's

394
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,679
Speaker 3: good looking can be with him, and he's like, I

395
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,119
Speaker 3: gotta be the funny guy or like right, like he

396
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,480
Speaker 3: can't wrap his head around it and he has to

397
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,399
Speaker 3: make a joke about it.

398
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Speaker 2: So it's almost like we have to shift from the

399
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:23,359
Speaker 2: identity of I'm the funny guy to I'm funny plus

400
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:28,520
Speaker 2: these other things too, because sitting with someone's feelings is

401
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,639
Speaker 2: so hard. Like literally, if I told you that cemetery

402
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,240
Speaker 2: story and you just were like, even if it was

403
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,159
Speaker 2: the next day and my time had elapsed on how

404
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,760
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to feel, If I said to you, man,

405
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,119
Speaker 2: I really feel like shit, because I gotta carry mace

406
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,159
Speaker 2: around if you had just it's so uncomfortable for people,

407
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:49,120
Speaker 2: including you and me to be like that sucks. Yeah,

408
00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:53,240
Speaker 2: and just silence because Brene Brown had a great story

409
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,240
Speaker 2: where somebody was asking, like, oh, my kid it comes

410
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,840
Speaker 2: home with heartbreak. My kid's all sad about not making

411
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,000
Speaker 2: the team or whatever, and it's oh, I got chiv

412
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,600
Speaker 2: shivers just thinking about it. She's like, she goes, what

413
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,399
Speaker 2: should I do? And she goes, you sit in the

414
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 2: dark with your kid. Yeah, I mean you just present.

415
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,040
Speaker 2: I hate the word presents it like it sounds like

416
00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:16,480
Speaker 2: it's not of her, but like you just are present

417
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,360
Speaker 2: for it and you don't try to fix. Because that's

418
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,920
Speaker 2: another thing we deflect with is well, here's what you

419
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 2: should do, Like some idiot would say you should get

420
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,680
Speaker 2: a gun. Oh wait, you said that, you know what

421
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,879
Speaker 2: I mean, So give her, give her a fixed this

422
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,560
Speaker 2: bum goe fist Celia. Oh fisting Celia. That's a new

423
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,040
Speaker 2: podcast we should do. Let's just fist her. So anyway,

424
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:43,360
Speaker 2: we deflect with that too, of like, well, I'm uncomfortable

425
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,120
Speaker 2: just being sad with that person, so let me fix them,

426
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,919
Speaker 2: which I've gone to advice giving so many times, and

427
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,040
Speaker 2: it's it's hard not to it's because you go humors

428
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,879
Speaker 2: where you live. Advice giving was where I live. Then

429
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:59,280
Speaker 2: it starts alienating people because it's kind of insulting to

430
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 2: always try to fix someone who isn't asking. But boy,

431
00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:06,280
Speaker 2: that that like you get that little cat nip off

432
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,359
Speaker 2: of look at I'm making a joke. I get it

433
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,919
Speaker 2: from ooh, they asked advice, which neither is the greatest.

434
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 2: How would just be in the presence of the sad

435
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 2: or hard feeling.

436
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 3: Just be like a hot guy.

437
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:27,600
Speaker 6: See, you're absolutely right, But that that's what well, yes,

438
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 6: before that's what it came from.

439
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:29,159
Speaker 2: For me.

440
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,920
Speaker 3: It was just like making everything okay and being.

441
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:37,320
Speaker 2: Like, so do you think so you still thought my

442
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:41,280
Speaker 2: statute of limitation said run out? You're like, okay, time

443
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,840
Speaker 2: for her to get over it. Get over it? And

444
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 2: so it wasn't even like a thought in your head.

445
00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:49,480
Speaker 2: Let me deflect with humor. It's just a pattern and

446
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:49,960
Speaker 2: a habit.

447
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, And then, honestly, quite frankly, I just thought you

448
00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:56,240
Speaker 3: would appreciate it because you're fun.

449
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,679
Speaker 2: I'm not a lot less fun than you think. I

450
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,560
Speaker 2: don't you know, I'm a lot less fun.

451
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 3: No, I get a kick out of trying to make

452
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 3: you laugh because I that is true.

453
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,359
Speaker 2: I am an icon. People do worship me.

454
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,520
Speaker 3: Wow, there's a dumb thing I used to do with

455
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,399
Speaker 3: the diner all the time, when we would sit there

456
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,800
Speaker 3: and we would like write and I would take like

457
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,120
Speaker 3: little pieces of my notebook paper and I would write

458
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,560
Speaker 3: like love cock, and I would fold it and slide

459
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:22,160
Speaker 3: it across the table and right you would just start laughing,

460
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 3: and I would get a kick out of that because

461
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,320
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah.

462
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 2: But probably the I love cock or you sometimes just

463
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,800
Speaker 2: draw dick and balls, which why it's never not funny.

464
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,760
Speaker 2: I defy, like, I don't care how smart you are,

465
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:39,199
Speaker 2: that's funny. But if someone's saying they just you know,

466
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:43,280
Speaker 2: their mom's on life support, the cock being slid across

467
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:45,640
Speaker 2: the table isn't the great.

468
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:47,840
Speaker 4: No.

469
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:52,320
Speaker 2: If if like grandma's dying, you probably and you're telling

470
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:54,280
Speaker 2: the sad story, you probably don't want to see that

471
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:59,520
Speaker 2: little note coming across. I know that that is true.

472
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,160
Speaker 2: You've been so I think it's a lot of timing,

473
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:06,119
Speaker 2: and usually your timing's pretty good. But yeah, Also, do

474
00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:08,000
Speaker 2: you ever have a friend who thinks they're funny, But

475
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:08,359
Speaker 2: they're not.

476
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,560
Speaker 3: No, except probably wouldn't be friends with them.

477
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:14,240
Speaker 2: You can't tell me all your friends are funny.

478
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 3: They are because they're not trying to be.

479
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're they're naturally humorous.

480
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 3: My friend Anthony is just like naturally dry. It's just him.

481
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:27,879
Speaker 3: He's a stressed out suburban dad who runs a business,

482
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,720
Speaker 3: and he's just like, yeah, I can't with the fucking.

483
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 2: Just the he's a character.

484
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, I left my ass off with him because he's

485
00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,600
Speaker 3: just so yeah, here it is.

486
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,040
Speaker 2: Do you think it's more common in men than women

487
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:42,280
Speaker 2: to deflect with humor?

488
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 1: Men?

489
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,399
Speaker 2: It's gotta be what do you think Celia got to be?

490
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:47,640
Speaker 3: Men?

491
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,639
Speaker 2: I mean, I think men are way I mean, just

492
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,840
Speaker 2: as a stereotype, so much more uncomfortable with hard feelings

493
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,160
Speaker 2: and sad feeling. They're really comfortable with anger. But again,

494
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,640
Speaker 2: that's actually what I was gonna say.

495
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,359
Speaker 4: I think men deflect with anger so that they scare

496
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:06,080
Speaker 4: off whoever is like trying to bother them and correct them.

497
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,639
Speaker 4: They like get mad at least, like I've seen that

498
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,320
Speaker 4: a lot in my friends' relationships and stuff.

499
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,119
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm very masculine in that because but see,

500
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:19,639
Speaker 2: this was what bothered me with this guy in the cemetery.

501
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 2: I led with, hey, man, that's inappropriate. So it wasn't angry.

502
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,240
Speaker 2: Then you fucking come back at me, and it went

503
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:34,040
Speaker 2: to Gloria. There's scale zero to Gloria, and Gloria is like,

504
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:35,960
Speaker 2: I will go away from the mic. I will do

505
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:37,119
Speaker 2: it as loud as she did it.

506
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:37,760
Speaker 3: Okay.

507
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,879
Speaker 2: So Nick, you be the unhoused man and you say, uh,

508
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:53,240
Speaker 2: is that the big Is that the biggest in sel comic?

509
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 2: Here's your lines? You're an actor? Is that the biggest

510
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 2: in cell comic? Then I'm going to respond, and then

511
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 2: you go, but you were insult comic? Okay, go.

512
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 3: Hey, is that the big ass insult comic?

513
00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 2: Hey man, Like we're in a cemetery, that's inappropriate.

514
00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you were the insult the comic.

515
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:18,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was. Now shut the fuck up and get

516
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:23,000
Speaker 2: the fuck out it. Okay, that's the fucking vody.

517
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 3: I was like three feet away from the microphone from

518
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:25,679
Speaker 3: anyone listening.

519
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,439
Speaker 2: Yes, So he wheeled away in his wheelchair.

520
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,879
Speaker 3: She yelled at the house, just trying to have a

521
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:34,920
Speaker 3: good times.

522
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:40,280
Speaker 2: A veteran of foreign wars, and is my dad to

523
00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:44,480
Speaker 2: my dad's bunk made in the bay and all we

524
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,200
Speaker 2: came around. No, so uh yeah, I wonder how many

525
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,120
Speaker 2: World War two guys are still around. Probably none? Yeah,

526
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:52,600
Speaker 2: probably like three.

527
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:53,679
Speaker 3: I said, like one of the last ones.

528
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:07,920
Speaker 2: Damn Well, anyway, that guy wasn't he appeared a coward.

529
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 3: Now he's dead because Lisa killed him. You know what's

530
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 3: weird because I already paid for the plot.

531
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,359
Speaker 2: My mom bought us plots for Christmas. I am an

532
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:24,040
Speaker 2: extra jumping next to me, I think because I started

533
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:28,879
Speaker 2: with hey, man, just that's not appropriate. I don't appreciate that.

534
00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 2: Then I went to anger, so I was like, oh,

535
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,960
Speaker 2: he can't be trusted with the more quiet feeling. He

536
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 2: has to get the man treatment. So I think men

537
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 2: sometimes do start at the bigger one first.

538
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:46,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure. We I think we men absolutely are

539
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 3: the kings of deflecting. I can't even envision a woman

540
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 3: doing it.

541
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 2: I don't even know how I've done it. And I'll

542
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,200
Speaker 2: tell you you lose friends. No, not just in comedy.

543
00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:00,200
Speaker 2: I remember in college I had a college roommate, Stephanie,

544
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,280
Speaker 2: who actually she's really nice, she's a really decent human,

545
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 2: And I just remember, because I had so uncomfortable being away,

546
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 2: I was so uncomfortable a college, just uncomfortable with feelings.

547
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,720
Speaker 2: We weren't in our family, we didn't have feelings or

548
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 2: we weren't allowed to show them. So I was deflecting

549
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,760
Speaker 2: with you Moor all the time. And she just finally

550
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,719
Speaker 2: got fed up with it because she came in and

551
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:27,320
Speaker 2: she had been dating this guy, Kevin something, and she

552
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 2: kept lamenting that like they weren't getting along or he was,

553
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 2: you know, not that interested. She got this feeling he

554
00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 2: wasn't interest. I knew I had dadar back then, this

555
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 2: is the eighties or no, seventy nine, and I already

556
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,800
Speaker 2: was like the guy as gay as the day is long.

557
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,560
Speaker 2: The guy could sit on lollipop and guess the flavor.

558
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 2: So I was just like, okay, I just said to

559
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,920
Speaker 2: her once, yeah, maybe it helped if if he wasn't

560
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 2: what would I say, something like if his chapstick wasn't

561
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:02,440
Speaker 2: cock flavored or whatever I said, because like, I'm a

562
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 2: humorous person, and she shows so shut down. It'd been

563
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 2: like a year of this, like in this dorm and

564
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,800
Speaker 2: she never spoke to me again. Can you imagine living

565
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 2: in the same room with someone as a roommate and

566
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,840
Speaker 2: they just will not acknowledge you. So I literally lost

567
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 2: a friend. And when I did my last special, at

568
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 2: the end of the special idea roast of myself, and

569
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,840
Speaker 2: part of it was where I might make then a

570
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:31,800
Speaker 2: list of apologies to people who I really hurt. And

571
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,760
Speaker 2: I said to my roommate Stephanie, who was hurting because

572
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,240
Speaker 2: her boyfriend turned out to be gay. I said, dot

573
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 2: dot dot, And I was so glad because I go,

574
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,240
Speaker 2: I really hurt her by doing that. So I think

575
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,520
Speaker 2: it has hurt my relationships.

576
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 3: Too, probably. I mean I've been pretty perfect. Think about it.

577
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 2: I'm telling you, if you ever start dating anybody seriously,

578
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 2: they are not gonna like it. If they don't if

579
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 2: they are getting all mushi with you and you like

580
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 2: go like grab my dick.

581
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 1: No, I.

582
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:08,960
Speaker 3: In those those moments, I don't do it as much.

583
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,400
Speaker 3: It's it's more in social settings with like a bunch

584
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:14,400
Speaker 3: of people. It's never like too much of like a

585
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,720
Speaker 3: one on one, especially in a romantic sense. I wouldn't really.

586
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,560
Speaker 3: It would depend heavily on the moment and what's being

587
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:24,000
Speaker 3: said and where we are and like I hold, we're

588
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,480
Speaker 3: home alone, and like it's like I'm not just gonna

589
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 3: interrupt and be like Mike, I don't know, really vulnerable dude,

590
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 3: because there's no no one to laugh at. It's just

591
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:37,440
Speaker 3: the person. There's no like.

592
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 2: All right, I think you're wrong. I think if you

593
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,160
Speaker 2: should ever get a girlfriend, which I doubt because you're

594
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,600
Speaker 2: not very appealing, I would like copious notes and a

595
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,320
Speaker 2: phone number from her so that we can talk about

596
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 2: all the deflections.

597
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:59,520
Speaker 3: Letter number one. Yes, Lisa, my name is Kevin. I'm

598
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:03,040
Speaker 3: twenty and live in whole broken New Jersey.

599
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:08,080
Speaker 2: Nice the Manzo's from Jersey Housewives pretty close. And also Carlos.

600
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,240
Speaker 2: Remember Carlos Bakery.

601
00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:12,280
Speaker 3: I used to date a girl live in Hope Boken.

602
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:13,200
Speaker 3: It's a cool city.

603
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:17,320
Speaker 2: Wow. That is so adds nothing cut that out? Go ahead.

604
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:23,800
Speaker 3: Uh. I've always coped with I've always coped with humor,

605
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 3: but I recently took it too far and I cannot

606
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:28,160
Speaker 3: stop thinking about it when I lay in bed at night. Hmm,

607
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:30,560
Speaker 3: how is that my grandmother's funeral?

608
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:30,840
Speaker 4: Oh?

609
00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:32,160
Speaker 2: But what is this a theme?

610
00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 4: Wow?

611
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 3: And when my cousin started crying, I made him shook.

612
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 3: I love this already. I did to talk about how

613
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 3: my grandma would have hated the floor floral arrangements. Anyway,

614
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,880
Speaker 3: my family laughed, except my aunt, who told me I

615
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 3: was emotionally tone deaf. Ever since, I have noticed that

616
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 3: I seem to have bad comedic timing. As the amazing

617
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:56,840
Speaker 3: comedian you are me, I.

618
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,600
Speaker 2: Think he's asking you, Nick, as the amazing comedian.

619
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,640
Speaker 3: Kevin, what I would do.

620
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,520
Speaker 2: I think it's so funny funerals and those are like

621
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:10,240
Speaker 2: and weddings anything that there's like a solemnity to it.

622
00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:14,400
Speaker 2: It's really hard to be cracking jokes obviously at a

623
00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:18,080
Speaker 2: wake or a funeral. A little diffusion of the humor

624
00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 2: is nice, especially if this old broad is elderly. It's

625
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:25,640
Speaker 2: a little more like, say, a woman dies when she's forty,

626
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 2: that's gonna be tougher to squeeze in your material. It's

627
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:33,040
Speaker 2: like an older person. Sometimes it's okay, And maybe that

628
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:37,600
Speaker 2: aunt was an aunt with a capital C, because sometimes

629
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 2: there's that clamion one.

630
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 3: Of them spinn't find a man.

631
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:45,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, it happens, I know, kind of like Cynthia Nixon's

632
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:49,960
Speaker 2: character on The Guilded Age. Ockay, but it doesn't. It

633
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,560
Speaker 2: seem like there's always someone who's gonna take issue. It's

634
00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 2: like the person in the audience, the one person not

635
00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 2: laughing in the club or in the theater. So I

636
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 2: think with that, it's just like I think he's now

637
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:06,080
Speaker 2: this poor guy second guessing all his jokes because what

638
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 2: did he say, something like, I'm noticing now my comedic

639
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:09,640
Speaker 2: timing isn't good.

640
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:11,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, which it's fine.

641
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,840
Speaker 2: I mean maybe it is, maybe it's not. Maybe it

642
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:16,959
Speaker 2: is a chance for him to reflect on deflecting like that.

643
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 3: Or just know who to say it to.

644
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:20,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to know your audience. Just like I

645
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:24,480
Speaker 2: said with the emotionally unavailable Nick Scopoletti, I was like,

646
00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 2: never tell Nick anything again that you want being held

647
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:32,319
Speaker 2: safe and serious, have the surface level friendship that you

648
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:34,000
Speaker 2: always knew he was capable of.

649
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:41,719
Speaker 3: Right, yes, pure sex, no, but dude, to defend this

650
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,439
Speaker 3: man my dad, My dad made a joke like this once.

651
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,600
Speaker 3: Now we've talked about it prior. But you know, my

652
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,120
Speaker 3: mom died when I was six. She was thirty two

653
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:57,719
Speaker 3: years old, So sucks at age now, right, But once

654
00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,960
Speaker 3: you've gone through that, it's kind of like, eh, right,

655
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,439
Speaker 3: So when my grandmother died, his mother at the age

656
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:07,080
Speaker 3: of ninety four, like didn't feel well, fell asleep, passed away,

657
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:10,800
Speaker 3: Like best scenario you could have right warranted. At her funeral,

658
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 3: I remember, like they said, have family come up, pay

659
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,920
Speaker 3: your last respects. I'm looking down the line and my

660
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 3: aunts and cousins and everyone they're crying blah blah blah.

661
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:21,520
Speaker 3: And I'm looking down the line at them, and I'm like, yeah,

662
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 3: I'm not crying. I'm just like, yeah, this is you know,

663
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:25,279
Speaker 3: it's sad, but you know obviously been through worse. And

664
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:26,920
Speaker 3: I turn and look at my dad and this is

665
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:28,799
Speaker 3: his mother in the casket. I turn to look at

666
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:31,080
Speaker 3: my dad. My dad just goes, what are you gonna do?

667
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:36,680
Speaker 3: You know? I mean, I was like, so that's where

668
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:37,120
Speaker 3: he's at.

669
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 2: His dad. Is your dad in general a deflector with humor?

670
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,800
Speaker 3: Probably not immediately. I mean I will say, like, obviously,

671
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 3: right when my mom died, he wasn't like.

672
00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:51,200
Speaker 2: Hey, right, but just in life in general.

673
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 3: No, I mean he can. I think he he feels

674
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,040
Speaker 3: his emotions. Like I remember when my you know, obviously

675
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 3: my mom died. Took him years to make jokes. I

676
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 3: think it wasn't until I was like fourteen he started

677
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:04,160
Speaker 3: to make jokes and it got us through it. It helped

678
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,200
Speaker 3: us for sure. But even when his mother died. I

679
00:36:07,239 --> 00:36:10,160
Speaker 3: remember so vividly. He got the phone call. We were

680
00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:12,040
Speaker 3: leaving there, like Grandma's not doing well, got to come

681
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,400
Speaker 3: to the hospital. He got the phone call, and I

682
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,800
Speaker 3: saw him go like this when they told him, and

683
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,920
Speaker 3: he like cried for a second. He pinched his eyes

684
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 3: and then he went hmm, okay, and then he wow,

685
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:25,040
Speaker 3: and then he called because he knew every The funeral

686
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:27,400
Speaker 3: home knows us very well, and he knows and he

687
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:31,439
Speaker 3: planned everything dinner, and he was just flying. You could

688
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 3: tell that he was trying to distract, not with humor

689
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:34,320
Speaker 3: but by being busy.

690
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,240
Speaker 2: Well, I was just going to say that, And I think,

691
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,560
Speaker 2: I don't want you to publish this store if I cry.

692
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 2: But I remember. My father's sister died when he was

693
00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 2: away on a trip with the grandkids. So my brother

694
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:54,200
Speaker 2: and my dad went to Disney with the four boys, right,

695
00:36:54,239 --> 00:36:57,640
Speaker 2: they were really little. So we hear that my aunt,

696
00:36:57,760 --> 00:36:59,920
Speaker 2: poor thing had died. And she wasn't that hold those

697
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:06,399
Speaker 2: maybe fifty and she had troubles anyway, So my mother goes,

698
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 2: let's we can't ruin dad's trip. He can't come home

699
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,040
Speaker 2: only anyway, like, let's just hold it in for like

700
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:17,680
Speaker 2: two days but when my mother, when my dad came home,

701
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 2: she sits him down, and she was the deflector with

702
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:27,400
Speaker 2: busyness and talk. So it's all kindness in the moment,

703
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:29,640
Speaker 2: but you go, oh, let him have his feelings. Like

704
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:32,719
Speaker 2: that's sad, because I remember her saying, Lenny, we got

705
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,919
Speaker 2: a call that Jean died, and you know, but don't

706
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,719
Speaker 2: worry about anything went right, don't worry about anything. The

707
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:40,960
Speaker 2: funerals this day and this day. And I got this

708
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,920
Speaker 2: for the house and this kind of food, and we

709
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:46,319
Speaker 2: got plates of this and that and the other. And

710
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,120
Speaker 2: he goes because my father was way more present with

711
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:51,880
Speaker 2: feeling than any of us, and he just like physically

712
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:56,000
Speaker 2: shook his head and he just soa, wait, Jean's dead.

713
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,600
Speaker 2: Like so, my poor mom was trying to, like with

714
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:02,120
Speaker 2: you with humor or me hum or anything. She was

715
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:06,040
Speaker 2: trying to like distract from him crying or feeling. And

716
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,760
Speaker 2: you can never outrun the feeling. That's the whole problem.

717
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,360
Speaker 2: We should have to let people have their feelings. So

718
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,560
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, that's he was actually right. He

719
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:16,919
Speaker 2: didn't get mad or anything, but he was like, wait

720
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:19,799
Speaker 2: a minute, And so he had his little feeling about it,

721
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:23,680
Speaker 2: and then whatever, he dealt with it later. But I'm like, man,

722
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 2: that poor woman, my mom trying to jump through hoops

723
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 2: to get him to not feel So it didn't come

724
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 2: from a bad place, not at all.

725
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:33,160
Speaker 3: That was probably her trying to take care of him

726
00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:35,680
Speaker 3: in a way. Yeah, and plus like kind of sucks

727
00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 3: like he's on this trip with his grandkids, He's and

728
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,759
Speaker 3: Disney having a fantastic time. So you guys got to

729
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,280
Speaker 3: sit with this for two days and you're.

730
00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:43,759
Speaker 2: Like, oh, well, how about this.

731
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,520
Speaker 3: I'm home and we got to tell him his fucking

732
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 3: sister died, like.

733
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:49,320
Speaker 2: I know, and you think you're doing all the right stuff.

734
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:53,200
Speaker 2: I remember my uncle, who was really close with us,

735
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 2: died on Christmas Day and my mother he had been

736
00:38:56,640 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 2: sick for a long time. My mother dealt with it

737
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:04,320
Speaker 2: by herself and pretended everything was okay till December twenty sixth,

738
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 2: so we wouldn't have a ruined Christmas, like I personally,

739
00:39:07,719 --> 00:39:10,080
Speaker 2: I mean, I probably would do that for a little kid,

740
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:14,040
Speaker 2: because I'd be like, don't ruin the nieces or daughter's Christmas.

741
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:17,120
Speaker 2: But that's strong, Like you gotta be a strong person

742
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 2: to then like disappear for like ten minutes and cry

743
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 2: or because the feelings don't disappear within you.

744
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:23,719
Speaker 3: Yeah.

745
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:26,759
Speaker 2: So I think we're always just trying to do our best.

746
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:31,640
Speaker 2: So now, thinking about my dad and my mom and

747
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:34,600
Speaker 2: you know, all these things, I'm like, maybe I could

748
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:37,319
Speaker 2: forgive Nick. And he's not such a piece of shit.

749
00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:40,399
Speaker 3: Pretty perfect, no, but not.

750
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 2: As disgusting horrible of a human being. If you just

751
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,279
Speaker 2: say you're sorry, let's see if you've gotten any better

752
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:55,840
Speaker 2: at that. Okay, are you sorry? Nick? I'm like, you suck.

753
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 2: You're gonna say it, but you're looking down, which means

754
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,919
Speaker 2: you gonna really say it. I don't care, but can

755
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:07,680
Speaker 2: I next? All right, shut the fuck on thet letter you. Okay,

756
00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:09,880
Speaker 2: by the way, dude with the fucking funeral and the

757
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,640
Speaker 2: dig grandmother, sorry for your freaking loss. But let me

758
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,440
Speaker 2: tell you, sometimes you gotta know your audience. That's all

759
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,920
Speaker 2: I'm saying. I mean, Nick, you've like done comedy, get

760
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,279
Speaker 2: a synagog You're not gonna yell about the Holocaust.

761
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 3: It's my first open Okay.

762
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:22,799
Speaker 2: Oh that's true.

763
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:24,880
Speaker 3: Well you step on stage if it's funny.

764
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:25,440
Speaker 2: It's funny.

765
00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:29,440
Speaker 3: Amen. All right, let her number two. My name is Carrie,

766
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:30,080
Speaker 3: is it Carrie?

767
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:33,719
Speaker 2: Coon? From the guilded, Oh, shut up your gag. I

768
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:34,719
Speaker 2: know she's a hot.

769
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:37,760
Speaker 3: Oh, she's so fucking hot. My name is Carrie, forty

770
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:41,480
Speaker 3: six from Vermont. I've always used humor in tough conversations,

771
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,720
Speaker 3: but recently it has affected my relationship with my teenage daughter.

772
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 3: If she brings up something serious like anxiety, dating, or college,

773
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,480
Speaker 3: I crack a joke to make her laugh instead of

774
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:54,200
Speaker 3: digging deeper. She recently told me it makes her feel

775
00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:57,759
Speaker 3: like I don't take her seriously. Am I sparing her?

776
00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 3: Or am I just avoiding my own discomp Oh.

777
00:41:01,719 --> 00:41:05,000
Speaker 2: If I didn't hate her already because she's from Vermont,

778
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 2: I hate her more now. She is teaching her daughter

779
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 2: to not feel her feelings, that her feelings are wrong,

780
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:15,440
Speaker 2: that she's to be embarrassed by them. That daughter's gonna

781
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,799
Speaker 2: end up an alcoholic anorexic because she's gonna have to

782
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:22,759
Speaker 2: look to substances for fulfillment because mom's not doing it.

783
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:27,240
Speaker 2: Correct this immediately. You gotta let kids have their feelings.

784
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:28,879
Speaker 2: You got to sit in the dark with them, and,

785
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 2: by the way, get comfortable with your own feelings. Get

786
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:34,680
Speaker 2: comfortable with the fact that you were touched as a child,

787
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:38,080
Speaker 2: show us on the doll where he touched you, Carrie,

788
00:41:38,719 --> 00:41:42,759
Speaker 2: because she's deflecting. She's uncomfortable. I get it, but you

789
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 2: gotta let these kids especially. I like that the daughter,

790
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:47,799
Speaker 2: by the way, had the presence of mind to say, Mom,

791
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:49,040
Speaker 2: I feel like you're dismissing me.

792
00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 3: Kids nowadays are way smarter than we were.

793
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:54,520
Speaker 2: I know we couldn't have said that. No, I can't

794
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,319
Speaker 2: imagine if I'd said to my mom, I think by

795
00:41:56,360 --> 00:42:06,080
Speaker 2: your constant like decimal ten, yelling really wouldn't be funny.

796
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,359
Speaker 2: She'd be like, really, you don't.

797
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:11,320
Speaker 3: Say what if she just was like, oh, then throat

798
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 3: punched you just.

799
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:15,799
Speaker 2: I mean, that's like, yeah, I wouldn't blame her. But no,

800
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,080
Speaker 2: with kids especially, I think it's important. And I have

801
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:21,440
Speaker 2: a lot of younger friends, like people were in their thirties, Like,

802
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,319
Speaker 2: can you imagine, like poor Bobby comes up to me

803
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,839
Speaker 2: and he's all sad because he didn't get whatever part

804
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:30,440
Speaker 2: in Rent that he wanted because he's yeah and doesn't

805
00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 2: have an age yet. And I would be like, yeah, but

806
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,479
Speaker 2: everybody in that show dies made at least you don't

807
00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 2: have to die, And in his head he'd probably be like, geez,

808
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:40,200
Speaker 2: I guess I can't trust her.

809
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 3: With that, you know, I think too, like if you,

810
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,879
Speaker 3: especially with like a girl like you gotta let them

811
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,160
Speaker 3: feel their feelings because then next thing you know, they're

812
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:51,759
Speaker 3: in their thirties and they're dating the guy like me.

813
00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:54,239
Speaker 2: Well no, and also with a guy. I think it's

814
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:57,239
Speaker 2: with a boy, it's just as important because you are

815
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,799
Speaker 2: telling him to squash the feelings. Then he becomes an

816
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,880
Speaker 2: inn cell. Then he gets guns. Then he decides to

817
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 2: shoot everybody, and he got.

818
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:07,400
Speaker 3: A shooting right, So you just need a little puss.

819
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:10,880
Speaker 2: So parents, let your kids have their feelings and get

820
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:13,799
Speaker 2: comfortable with your own fucking feelings. I'm sick and tired

821
00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:25,200
Speaker 2: of all this yelling. Yeah, okay, go ahead.

822
00:43:25,239 --> 00:43:30,040
Speaker 3: Next letter, letter number three, Dear Lisa, I'm a huge

823
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:32,479
Speaker 3: fan and could really use your advice. My best friend

824
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 3: Amanda was engaged in the love of her life, but

825
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:37,160
Speaker 3: he broke it off two weeks ago because he's gay.

826
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:42,000
Speaker 3: That's not a month before their wedding. When I try

827
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:43,719
Speaker 3: to talk to her about it, she keeps brushing it

828
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:45,320
Speaker 3: off like he did me a favor and now I

829
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 3: don't have to listen to his loud chewing for the

830
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:50,680
Speaker 3: rest of my life. Women with chewing.

831
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 2: Oh, he didn't nerve.

832
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:54,840
Speaker 3: Lisa, you've been having dinner with me.

833
00:43:54,880 --> 00:43:57,880
Speaker 2: If you do, not too loud, I'm going to thank you.

834
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:00,680
Speaker 3: Clip it, send it to me, Celia, thank you.

835
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:05,800
Speaker 2: No, honestly, I'm very aware of table manners. My father

836
00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:09,760
Speaker 2: was very like adamant about no elbows on the table,

837
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:12,120
Speaker 2: No this, no that, no talk with your mouthful. You

838
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:15,280
Speaker 2: don't have bad manners. You'll eat those four fucking eggs

839
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:16,000
Speaker 2: in one bite.

840
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:18,799
Speaker 3: Yeah. But other than that, I gather every week for

841
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:21,280
Speaker 3: like five years. You hear that people compars.

842
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:23,360
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, hot button.

843
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:26,719
Speaker 3: I know I don't have to listeners loud chewing the

844
00:44:26,719 --> 00:44:29,400
Speaker 3: rest of my life. I know inside she shattered. Should

845
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:31,359
Speaker 3: I try to get her speak truthfully about her pain

846
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:33,800
Speaker 3: or just let her deal with it anyway? She chooses.

847
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:36,160
Speaker 3: Thanks Sam from Larch Mountain, New Law.

848
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:39,160
Speaker 2: I don't thank you. I can't. I don't think you

849
00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:44,040
Speaker 2: can like force her to be open. There's something she

850
00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:50,400
Speaker 2: doesn't feel safe about feeling herself, and this like deflecting

851
00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:56,160
Speaker 2: of one's own troubles, like when you're just you know,

852
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:59,960
Speaker 2: you're hiding your feelings from yourselves and others. That's got

853
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:02,799
Speaker 2: until it boils over and you can really say it.

854
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:04,920
Speaker 2: All we can do on the receiving end is make

855
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:08,719
Speaker 2: that friend feel like you're the safe one. So they say, like,

856
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:14,160
Speaker 2: even in coaching, suppose somebody in suppose I hypothetically am

857
00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:17,640
Speaker 2: doing group coaching of a bunch of women and one

858
00:45:17,680 --> 00:45:21,720
Speaker 2: of them just will not share, will not cry, will

859
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:26,879
Speaker 2: not open up. As long as you create space and

860
00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:29,719
Speaker 2: be like, we're here when you need us, We're all

861
00:45:29,719 --> 00:45:32,759
Speaker 2: here for each other, not target them and say, well,

862
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 2: you know, how are you feeling, then they're going to

863
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:39,440
Speaker 2: eventually open up to someone. It might not be us,

864
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:41,480
Speaker 2: it might not be the group, it might be five

865
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 2: years down the road. They'll feel, oh, I'm warmed up

866
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:47,160
Speaker 2: to feel safe. So what she has to do for

867
00:45:47,239 --> 00:45:51,479
Speaker 2: her friend who broke the engagement is be like, give

868
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:55,000
Speaker 2: the impression that she's there for her without almost saying it.

869
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:58,200
Speaker 2: Because if you ever beg on receiving any of that

870
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:00,440
Speaker 2: of like, well, if you ever want to talk here,

871
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:02,680
Speaker 2: it's a little bit like now, am I really going

872
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 2: to talk to you? Because you're expecting it. So I

873
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:08,320
Speaker 2: think you have to sort of just somehow be present

874
00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:11,560
Speaker 2: with it and be uncomfortable with the fact that she's deflecting.

875
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's nothing you can do. It's kind of like,

876
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:17,720
Speaker 3: I think I've learned this from having so many comedy

877
00:46:17,719 --> 00:46:21,480
Speaker 3: friends in AA and NA, and they're like, like, you

878
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:23,880
Speaker 3: just got to let someone have their their bottom and

879
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:27,040
Speaker 3: their moment, like you can't. There a lot of you know,

880
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:28,719
Speaker 3: I'm not let any names out here, but a lot

881
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,400
Speaker 3: of guys I know they're at AA and NA. If

882
00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:32,880
Speaker 3: they're at a comedy show and there's a comic who's

883
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:34,799
Speaker 3: drinking and a comic's like, you know, I always think

884
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:38,799
Speaker 3: about quitting. They never are like, yeah, man, you fucking.

885
00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,440
Speaker 2: Should, even though that's what they're thinking.

886
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:42,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, but they're like yeah, they just go oh yeah,

887
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:45,359
Speaker 3: I mean, you know, if you want, that's cool. Why

888
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:48,400
Speaker 3: you know, they's so non judgmental about it and like

889
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:50,480
Speaker 3: the shit just comes out when it comes out.

890
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 2: I know. I hate that. My friend Anthony always says,

891
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:56,680
Speaker 2: it's hard enough to change when you want to. It's

892
00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:59,799
Speaker 2: it's impossible to change someone else. Oh yeah, or change

893
00:46:59,800 --> 00:47:02,120
Speaker 2: when and you don't want to. So you could easily

894
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:04,480
Speaker 2: say to this girl, listen, I know you're deflecting with

895
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:07,320
Speaker 2: jokes A lot. I know you probably are in pain inside.

896
00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:10,440
Speaker 2: She knows that you don't even have to say it,

897
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,520
Speaker 2: you know, and if you ever want to talk, I'm here.

898
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:16,440
Speaker 2: Is probably as far as it should be taken.

899
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:19,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, she wants to have fun for now, maybe three

900
00:47:19,640 --> 00:47:21,239
Speaker 3: four months from now. She's at dinner and she's like,

901
00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:23,279
Speaker 3: you know what, this shit is fucking me up? Can

902
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:24,440
Speaker 3: we talk and be like okay?

903
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:27,879
Speaker 2: Right? Because the safety has been established and I think

904
00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:31,560
Speaker 2: we under value that, we forget that. That's all you

905
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:35,000
Speaker 2: have to do is be there right and actually listen

906
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:39,200
Speaker 2: and don't deflect yourself then because you're uncomfortable. So she

907
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:42,400
Speaker 2: might be a little uncomfortable too watching her friend not

908
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:45,120
Speaker 2: dig deeper, which I get really uncomfortable with that too.

909
00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:47,439
Speaker 2: I like when people dig as much as I dig

910
00:47:47,480 --> 00:47:50,759
Speaker 2: into myself, but they're not gonna No. We're all at

911
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:52,960
Speaker 2: different stages. We can all handle different things.

912
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,919
Speaker 3: Setting yourself up for disappointment and that's the case.

913
00:47:56,080 --> 00:48:00,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, And also, oh my god, guys and ladies, stop

914
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:04,399
Speaker 2: accusing your partners of chewing loudly. Not many people do it.

915
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,040
Speaker 2: I eat out almost every meal. I don't hear a

916
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:09,480
Speaker 2: lot of chewing. I think what happens is you start

917
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:12,480
Speaker 2: you're dating somebody, you get across the table from him,

918
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:16,920
Speaker 2: you start looking for things to criticize. You start looking perfect,

919
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:20,160
Speaker 2: and you're like, pick and pick and pick. Stop that.

920
00:48:20,560 --> 00:48:22,520
Speaker 2: But food on the face is a different story.

921
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:25,640
Speaker 3: You don't.

922
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:28,440
Speaker 2: We have a friend who does and we always have it.

923
00:48:28,440 --> 00:48:30,920
Speaker 2: How do you not? How do you not feel a

924
00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:33,280
Speaker 2: stalk of broccoli coming out of your face?

925
00:48:34,480 --> 00:48:36,439
Speaker 3: Maybe you should have him on one day? And what's

926
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:36,920
Speaker 3: wrong with you?

927
00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:40,520
Speaker 2: Maybe he just has too much like dulled nerve endings

928
00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:44,800
Speaker 2: because of all the drinking and the cock see to

929
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:49,560
Speaker 2: reflect with you one more real quick last one.

930
00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:52,279
Speaker 3: Hurry up, Dear Lisa. I've been dating this guy for

931
00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:55,480
Speaker 3: three months and I think he's great. Break up with ups.

932
00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:58,640
Speaker 2: By the way, we should do an episode on the

933
00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:01,760
Speaker 2: three month mark, because that's when everything starts to go wrong.

934
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:04,960
Speaker 3: That does. I've been dating this guy for three months

935
00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:07,479
Speaker 3: and thinks think he's great. The one thing that gets

936
00:49:07,520 --> 00:49:14,360
Speaker 3: me is his nervous laughing during a quiet moment or

937
00:49:14,360 --> 00:49:18,279
Speaker 3: when he meets new people like him. Should I call

938
00:49:18,360 --> 00:49:20,800
Speaker 3: him on it? Or except that everyone has.

939
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:27,640
Speaker 2: Flaws, dude, I have a button with the nervous laugh

940
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:32,640
Speaker 2: and or tick. I cannot stand it. We were doing

941
00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:36,600
Speaker 2: I'm doing this coaching class and they showed us a

942
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:41,440
Speaker 2: video of this master coach coaching a woman and she,

943
00:49:42,680 --> 00:49:47,520
Speaker 2: the client, had a nervous laugh after every fucking sentence.

944
00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:50,680
Speaker 2: So we're on this group zoom and she's like, well,

945
00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:55,960
Speaker 2: you know, sometimes I do overwork after every fucking sentence.

946
00:49:56,360 --> 00:50:00,920
Speaker 2: So we're doing this debrief and the he's like twenty

947
00:50:00,960 --> 00:50:05,560
Speaker 2: people on the zoom and I go, dude, Adam, I go,

948
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:10,480
Speaker 2: did you not want to fucking murder her with that

949
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:15,600
Speaker 2: nervous laugh? What did you say about the laugh? And

950
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:19,279
Speaker 2: he goes, I took note of it, and I'll know

951
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:23,520
Speaker 2: when to bring it up. Because it's like a first session.

952
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 2: She's not gonna want to hear did you notice by

953
00:50:26,680 --> 00:50:30,080
Speaker 2: the way that you laugh to deflect feeling anything, She's

954
00:50:30,080 --> 00:50:32,279
Speaker 2: not gonna want to hear it. Then she's working on

955
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:35,600
Speaker 2: bigger things and then this is something for later. So

956
00:50:35,760 --> 00:50:38,600
Speaker 2: the nervous laugh. And by the way, half the clams

957
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:40,919
Speaker 2: in this coaching program with me, they go, we didn't

958
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:42,920
Speaker 2: even notice the laugh. I'm like, yeah, cause you probably

959
00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:45,759
Speaker 2: do it. You don't be twat Yeah, fuck you, I

960
00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:46,399
Speaker 2: hate that.

961
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:47,520
Speaker 3: Go right into the show.

962
00:50:47,560 --> 00:50:52,200
Speaker 2: We don't want to help you, so I hate this.

963
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:56,839
Speaker 2: So if a partner I had had a nervous tick, though,

964
00:50:56,880 --> 00:51:00,480
Speaker 2: there's I don't think there's a way you can bring

965
00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:03,360
Speaker 2: it up eventually and say honey, I love you, like

966
00:51:03,440 --> 00:51:05,759
Speaker 2: create some safety around and be like I love you.

967
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:13,320
Speaker 2: Do you want feedback on something that you might want

968
00:51:13,360 --> 00:51:16,480
Speaker 2: to look at? It doesn't mean work on but you

969
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:19,040
Speaker 2: have to word it so perfectly, which I clearly don't

970
00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:23,160
Speaker 2: know how to do. I notice that you laugh or

971
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:26,800
Speaker 2: giggle after saying something uncomfortable. Have you noticed that about yourself?

972
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:29,680
Speaker 2: And if he says no, I really haven't, doesn't bother me. Okay,

973
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:33,040
Speaker 2: then you gotta live with the fact that this homo,

974
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:36,799
Speaker 2: that this guy is gonna have a nervous laugh. And

975
00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:38,839
Speaker 2: then you got to reconcile with can I live with

976
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:41,480
Speaker 2: that the rest of my life? Because you can never

977
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:43,839
Speaker 2: mention it again after that. If he says he'll live

978
00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:46,360
Speaker 2: with it, then he'll freaking live with it. What do

979
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:49,439
Speaker 2: you think I would die like it? By the way,

980
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:52,680
Speaker 2: even if it's somebody bit their nails, even if someone

981
00:51:52,840 --> 00:51:55,319
Speaker 2: clicked their tongue, like even if some but he did

982
00:51:55,400 --> 00:52:00,520
Speaker 2: something that's just distracting nervous ticks. I cannot talk, right.

983
00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:03,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, as long as he doesn't have a nervous dick,

984
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:07,960
Speaker 3: I think he's all right. See I'm staying, but you're entertaining.

985
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:08,480
Speaker 2: That's fine.

986
00:52:08,520 --> 00:52:13,840
Speaker 3: But yeah, I don't know. I think the way you

987
00:52:13,880 --> 00:52:14,920
Speaker 3: set it up is just like.

988
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:19,120
Speaker 2: Do you say anything if it's bothering it?

989
00:52:19,239 --> 00:52:21,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, as someone who's currently learning.

990
00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:25,640
Speaker 2: But if why does it? That's what we need to

991
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:29,399
Speaker 2: look at. Why does it bother me so much? That

992
00:52:29,400 --> 00:52:32,919
Speaker 2: that woman had the nervous giggle? If I looked into

993
00:52:32,920 --> 00:52:35,440
Speaker 2: it more, it would probably be, oh, I've done that.

994
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:37,360
Speaker 2: Like that used to be me. I used to have

995
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,120
Speaker 2: to defy. Maybe it wasn't a giggle, Maybe it was

996
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:43,719
Speaker 2: something else. Maybe it was a well timed fart, a

997
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:48,600
Speaker 2: good old let's do one. Okay, go ahead, Nick, say

998
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:51,520
Speaker 2: something and I'll do with my nervous tick. Go ahead.

999
00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:54,200
Speaker 3: Yes. So I was talking to Celia out in the hallway.

1000
00:52:54,320 --> 00:52:55,880
Speaker 2: Oh I know, yeah, she say.

1001
00:52:56,239 --> 00:52:59,400
Speaker 3: She just was like, I'm so tired, and like I

1002
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:00,000
Speaker 3: live in New York.

1003
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:01,239
Speaker 2: Oh I know.

1004
00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:02,799
Speaker 3: I feel it's like.

1005
00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:07,040
Speaker 2: I deflecting a nervous belt.

1006
00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:10,839
Speaker 3: That just flew up.

1007
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:11,759
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1008
00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:15,279
Speaker 2: Never, I'm good at it. I'm terrific at that. No,

1009
00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:18,160
Speaker 2: but like that, I don't know if I could live

1010
00:53:18,160 --> 00:53:20,680
Speaker 2: with somebody who did it. But also like, again, why

1011
00:53:20,760 --> 00:53:23,960
Speaker 2: am I uncomfortable with anything anyone does? It's none of

1012
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:24,600
Speaker 2: my business.

1013
00:53:24,760 --> 00:53:26,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it. That's a scene in Sopranos when to

1014
00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:29,759
Speaker 3: PAULI goes, you think you got Tourette's you know the

1015
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:35,719
Speaker 3: heck he goes, I don't know, ye, or something like

1016
00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:38,200
Speaker 3: he says, but something like, well, my.

1017
00:53:38,160 --> 00:53:40,640
Speaker 2: Dad used to have this thing where he would always

1018
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:42,759
Speaker 2: play with the back of his hair, like it's just

1019
00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:46,560
Speaker 2: a nervous thing. And I noticed I inherited it, and

1020
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:49,400
Speaker 2: my brother inherited it, and we both shook it because

1021
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,320
Speaker 2: we noticed it. But I think it was something my

1022
00:53:51,400 --> 00:53:53,319
Speaker 2: dad didn't even know and didn't bug me because I'm like,

1023
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:56,319
Speaker 2: it's not affecting me, somebody, it's a you know what

1024
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:59,719
Speaker 2: it is. It's a release of energy. So in this

1025
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:02,799
Speaker 2: code class, when I brought up the nervous laugh of

1026
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:07,799
Speaker 2: the client, the head of the coaching program said, yeah,

1027
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:10,160
Speaker 2: it's her way of releasing energy in that moment. So

1028
00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:12,680
Speaker 2: that's what I take it to mean for today. I'll

1029
00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:15,319
Speaker 2: have to watch if it continues to be distracting. I

1030
00:54:15,360 --> 00:54:18,919
Speaker 2: was like, God, he's good. So maybe it's like that's

1031
00:54:18,920 --> 00:54:22,080
Speaker 2: how they release energy. I release a nice energy with

1032
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:25,919
Speaker 2: that belt. It was terrific. Well time fartre quef same.

1033
00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:30,720
Speaker 2: I know, it's really delightful if you nerve with you,

1034
00:54:30,760 --> 00:54:35,279
Speaker 2: so I they from now on people discover why you're

1035
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:39,920
Speaker 2: uncomfortable and question that first. Try not to deflect or

1036
00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:43,799
Speaker 2: devalue other people's feelings like Nick so brutally does to

1037
00:54:43,840 --> 00:54:47,399
Speaker 2: me weak upon week, Try not to queef. If it's

1038
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:50,640
Speaker 2: something you can help. I haven't had one of those

1039
00:54:50,680 --> 00:54:55,640
Speaker 2: in a long time. I haven't queen it a lot.

1040
00:54:55,719 --> 00:54:56,759
Speaker 2: What's happening over there?

1041
00:54:57,760 --> 00:54:59,440
Speaker 3: Let's go, let's ing.

1042
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:02,160
Speaker 4: I also am not a man.

1043
00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:06,120
Speaker 3: So what what do you say?

1044
00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:13,960
Speaker 2: King? I said, geez, that's insulting. Shut up, insulted by

1045
00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:19,960
Speaker 2: for an apology. Let's see if you can do it apology.

1046
00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:24,080
Speaker 2: Well that's really not asking. But okay, how about you? Nick?

1047
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:26,279
Speaker 2: You hurt my feelings by misgendering me.

1048
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:28,719
Speaker 4: Nick, you hurt my feelings if I'm misgendering me.

1049
00:55:29,000 --> 00:55:30,160
Speaker 3: You know, I'm sorry.

1050
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:32,839
Speaker 2: Well, thank you. Wow, he actually looked in your eyes.

1051
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:35,239
Speaker 4: I forgive you.

1052
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:38,879
Speaker 2: Wow. Is that a hot button for you that you

1053
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:44,280
Speaker 2: think you have been accused of having penis and testicles. No, okay, luckily,

1054
00:55:45,160 --> 00:55:46,360
Speaker 2: I don't know. Is that lucky?

1055
00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:51,440
Speaker 4: I don't know what's PC these days, Like, I really don't. No,

1056
00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:54,000
Speaker 4: I don't get misgendered. I think it's quite obvious that

1057
00:55:54,040 --> 00:55:54,640
Speaker 4: I am a woman.

1058
00:55:54,960 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 2: I mean to some I have no idea. Hey, guess

1059
00:56:01,680 --> 00:56:04,800
Speaker 2: what if you liked this episode, which is highly doubtful

1060
00:56:04,800 --> 00:56:11,840
Speaker 2: you dad? Where can they find out more info about us? Nick? Guys,

1061
00:56:14,239 --> 00:56:17,360
Speaker 2: I love this function foremost.

1062
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:20,680
Speaker 3: Thanks for listening. Be sure to email us at Shrink

1063
00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:23,799
Speaker 3: This Show at gmail dot com. That is, Shrink this

1064
00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:26,520
Speaker 3: Show at gmail dot com. Please make sure to follow

1065
00:56:26,560 --> 00:56:29,920
Speaker 3: Lisa on social media at Lisa Lampinelli. You can follow

1066
00:56:30,040 --> 00:56:31,600
Speaker 3: me on social media at.

1067
00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:34,280
Speaker 2: Voice.

1068
00:56:34,920 --> 00:56:38,280
Speaker 3: We Love Black Voice. Make sure you listen to Shrink

1069
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:43,719
Speaker 3: This on your iHeartRadio app wherever you get podcasts.

1070
00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:45,680
Speaker 2: But do it on that iHeart. It means you won't

1071
00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:50,440
Speaker 2: deflect from true sponsorship and friendship with parent company.

1072
00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,439
Speaker 3: And if you love this show. If you're a fan

1073
00:56:52,480 --> 00:56:54,720
Speaker 3: of the show, the next time you see a homeless

1074
00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:57,200
Speaker 3: guy in a wheelshair in a cemetery, you'll stab.

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00:56:56,960 --> 00:57:07,360
Speaker 2: Him for me. Thank you, Eh,