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Speaker 1: Misspelling with Tory Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hi, how are you?

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Speaker 1: Hi? My friend?

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Speaker 2: My friend?

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, how are you doing. I'm okay, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was up.

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Speaker 2: It's it's Tuesday.

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Speaker 1: It's Tuesday, you know, still standing.

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Speaker 2: Still standing, still standing, Tuesday. Do you find that weeks

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Speaker 2: are easy easier for your heard er for you with

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Speaker 2: the kids? Like weekdays?

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Speaker 1: Oh as you know, my friend, Like there's no weekday,

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Speaker 1: there's no weekend. There's it's just Michael say, are you

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Speaker 1: so happy it's the weekend. I'm like, never me, never know.

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Speaker 2: For me, my because I have six in school right

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Speaker 2: now and just want at home snapping right now. And

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Speaker 2: it's like I just I just like when the weekend

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Speaker 2: comes around. I mean, I love it because we have

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Speaker 2: so much fun and we're going to the museums and

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Speaker 2: they go to the like soccer classes. There's so much fun.

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Speaker 2: But I'm exhausted. And when it's Monday and they're like,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, everybody's going to school, You're all going to

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Speaker 2: go good bye.

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Speaker 1: See. I think I'm I think I am very code

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Speaker 1: dependent obviously, so I actually like when they go to school,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, like, meantime, what is this what does this

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Speaker 1: look like? It's oddly the quiet is like I don't

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Speaker 1: like it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I hear you. It's a

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Speaker 2: missing one of our eldest son has away for two nights.

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Speaker 2: First time he's away. Is that school just like this

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Speaker 2: outward bound thing? Right?

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I went, oh my gosh, and like last night I

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Speaker 2: was like one o'clock, I'm up and I'm like, he's okay.

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Speaker 2: I'm getting all these pictures like from the school, like oh,

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Speaker 2: he's having like the time of his life.

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Speaker 1: Like right, and you can't contact them and they're just like,

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Speaker 1: we will send you. It's just like so it's that

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Speaker 1: lack of like control of like that Oh god, it's

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Speaker 1: it's so hard. So so this is interesting. I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to think back when we became friends and we're and

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Speaker 1: when I say friends, I feel like we're friends, but

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Speaker 1: we've really only been like DM and text friends for years.

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Speaker 2: Which are sometimes the best of friends. I have like

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Speaker 2: really amazing relationships with people that I never met in person.

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Speaker 1: Same and I when we first started talking, I obviously

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Speaker 1: felt very connected with you because we were on this

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Speaker 1: mom journey together in the public eye, and it was

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Speaker 1: it just felt so soothing to have someone that could

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Speaker 1: relate on some level. And then we were kind of

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Speaker 1: on the same timeline. And then you had two more kids,

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Speaker 1: so you one that was.

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Speaker 2: A little bit crazier kept on going.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Mama, I I would have kept going.

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Speaker 1: And and this is interesting because I know you and

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Speaker 1: I both get this a lot. Like have they heard

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Speaker 1: of birth control?

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Speaker 2: Have? Yes? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Very well versed in it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I know. It's it's always amazes me people who

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Speaker 2: have the audacity opinion about other people's families. And you know,

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Speaker 2: I always think in my small self, so of course

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Speaker 2: we have like what we'll actually say, but then your

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Speaker 2: official self, we'll be like, one day, I'm going to

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Speaker 2: keep these comments and I'm gonna know who you are

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Speaker 2: and to show my kids, and they're gonna come and

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Speaker 2: they're gonna be like, why would you say that I

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Speaker 2: shouldn't exist? You know, like which one which one of

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Speaker 2: us should go back? Because one of the amazing things

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Speaker 2: about having And of course I don't say that because

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Speaker 2: that's not nice, but but you know, one of the

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Speaker 2: amazing things I've found. I don't know how you feel

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Speaker 2: about having so many kids, is they're all different, and

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Speaker 2: each one can have same parents, they could not have

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Speaker 2: same prins. It doesn't it doesn't matter. Just every single

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Speaker 2: kid comes out with your own soul, and you know,

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Speaker 2: if we allow them to be themselves and of course

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Speaker 2: guide them and you know, teach them right from wrong

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Speaker 2: and how to speak up for themselves and all the

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Speaker 2: things that we try to do as as parents. But

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Speaker 2: each one comes with their own soul and just letting

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Speaker 2: them be who they are. It's been one of my

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Speaker 2: greatest joys in life.

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Speaker 1: I I'm getting chills a thousand percent agree with that.

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Speaker 1: The uniqueness, and of course we guide them. And of

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Speaker 1: course some are more like I'm sure some are more

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Speaker 1: like you. Some are more like Alec. And the same

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Speaker 1: with my husband and I seem to be ex husband,

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Speaker 1: but my baby daddy, I guess I'll label in with Z.

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Speaker 1: That's on trend right. It's just that has been my

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Speaker 1: joy as well, seeing them grow and seeing like, wow,

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Speaker 1: you're you, you are your own being. And I mean

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Speaker 1: for me personally, we like ours came when they came,

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Speaker 1: and you know, we had we had dry spells, we

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Speaker 1: had years where we didn't get pregnant, and and I

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Speaker 1: look back on that, and I'm like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: there's soul contracts there, like they pick us, I believe,

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Speaker 1: and it's like they came to us and I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I can't. Here's the hard thing that you have to

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Speaker 1: deal with all the time, and I deal with it

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Speaker 1: as well, is that there's people across the world that

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Speaker 1: have larger families. Yes, but somehow that's that's okay. But

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Speaker 1: if you're in the public eye, if you are a celebrity,

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Speaker 1: you shouldn't. And it's like why.

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Speaker 2: Because everybody just wants to have an opinion. I mean,

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Speaker 2: you also look at women who are celebrities who are

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Speaker 2: in the public life, in the public eye.

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Speaker 1: Wow, that was a Freudian slip. You said the public

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Speaker 1: lie like this. I think that's good that you.

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Speaker 2: Turn this into the public lie. I'm okay, we can

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Speaker 2: go we can go down a rabbit hole of that.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we could.

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Speaker 2: But you know, in the public eye where they didn't

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Speaker 2: have any kids, and we don't necessarily need to know why.

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Speaker 2: Maybe they didn't want to, maybe they couldn't, maybe they

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Speaker 2: didn't find the right person and they wanted to do

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Speaker 2: this with another person and they get crap too. So

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Speaker 2: it's like you. Just the thing is that people, I

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Speaker 2: think it's more about the person who is doing the judging,

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Speaker 2: and they're going to find a judgment no matter what.

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Speaker 2: And I think for people, you know, like us, who

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Speaker 2: are empathetic and you know, purely for the fact that

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Speaker 2: you know, we're even discussing this, it's hurt us these

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Speaker 2: kinds of comments, and we're sort of like, why would

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Speaker 2: you say that about me and my family, my most sacred,

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Speaker 2: blessed thing, and they and the truth is that it

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Speaker 2: doesn't matter what we do, they're gonna say it anyway.

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Speaker 2: So I'm in a point, you know, I'm now in

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Speaker 2: my forties, and I'm at a point where I just

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Speaker 2: like want to like live life and be connected to

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Speaker 2: really great people and try to do good in the

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Speaker 2: world and try to raise my kids and just enjoy

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Speaker 2: a little bit more. And realizing that lu gat in

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Speaker 2: that sort of like defensive mode of trying to make

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Speaker 2: sense out of something that makes no sense whatsoever, Like

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Speaker 2: having opinions about other people's families makes zero sense, zero sense.

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Speaker 2: You just have to be like, Okay, you know what,

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna actually just somewhere else and then that's it.

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Speaker 1: That sounds great in theory. I know, I know, and

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Speaker 1: I'm I always say I have really thick skin. But

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Speaker 1: so I watched The bald Ones and really really enjoyed it.

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Speaker 1: I gotta say, my eight year old is your biggest

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Speaker 1: fan now.

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Speaker 2: Uh.

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Speaker 1: So we actually started watching this, watching it before we

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Speaker 1: booked this interview, because I said, oh, this is mommy's

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Speaker 1: friend and look they have a big family as well.

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Speaker 1: And he was like, ugh, we have to turn off

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Speaker 1: YouTube for this, and I said, please give me a moment.

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Speaker 1: This is my This is a little bit of me

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Speaker 1: wanting to watch it, and I, you know, I need

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Speaker 1: a little me time too, because he controls me and

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Speaker 1: the TV. He's the youngest ones, my baby, so I

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Speaker 1: wrapped around all my fingers in my entire body. He's

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Speaker 1: got me. But I was like, we were watching and

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Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, I was like, Okay, you

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Speaker 1: have to do your homework, and he was going to

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Speaker 1: go do it with this older sibling, Stella, who is

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Speaker 1: very much like Carmen. I'll get to that, but and

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Speaker 1: he said, no, no, no, wait, I'm watching my show. Oh

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Speaker 1: I love that, and he and it was really nice

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Speaker 1: because what he took from it obviously is very different

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Speaker 1: what I took from it, and it was just such

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Speaker 1: an interesting perspective because it made him feel accepted in

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Speaker 1: a way that he got to see, well, they have

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Speaker 1: a big family too, look, and it felt so relatable

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Speaker 1: to him. And he was just like, oh, look they're

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Speaker 1: getting haircuts. Like wait, mom, you know he has long hair.

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Speaker 1: And he goes, do you think I could get his haircut?

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Speaker 1: And I said, yeah, absolutely, Like because people always say

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Speaker 1: to me, cut your kid's hair, what's wrong with you

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Speaker 1: having boys with the long hair? And I say, I

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Speaker 1: let them be who they want. I'm not telling them

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Speaker 1: they can't, you know, cut you know, cut their hair.

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Speaker 1: If they want to cut their hair, great, they can.

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Speaker 1: They can dye their hair, you know, safely.

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Speaker 2: He done that, We've done the dying.

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Speaker 1: I'm all about expression. I want them to be able

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Speaker 1: to be them. But yeah, he said, no, you know what, mom,

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Speaker 1: He said, but if I cut my hair and it

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Speaker 1: doesn't look good, then I'm stuck with it and kids

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Speaker 1: at school will make fun of me. And I said, no,

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Speaker 1: hair grows back, it doesn't matter. And then he's paused

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Speaker 1: and he goes, well, they make fun of me anyway,

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Speaker 1: because I have long hair, and it was just such

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Speaker 1: a juxtaposition of like, wow, what you just said, taking

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Speaker 1: it back, like they make fun of you no matter what,

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Speaker 1: they hate you, no matter what. You can't win, and

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Speaker 1: it's not.

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Speaker 2: And that's the thing that we hope our kids will

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Speaker 2: we'll learn. But a lot of times we we you know,

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Speaker 2: I find through parenting my kids, I'm parenting myself, and

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Speaker 2: I'm you know, once you can teach it, sometimes you're

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Speaker 2: actually teaching yourself. I mean when I was teaching yoga

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Speaker 2: more and I would teach other teachers how to be teachers,

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Speaker 2: and I would say, listen to what teachers are teaching,

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Speaker 2: that's what they're working on for themselves. And so you know,

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Speaker 2: with the with the kids, like just tell them, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's was never about you anyway. It's about them trying

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Speaker 2: to figure out what's right and what's wrong, and hopefully

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Speaker 2: they'll figure out that there is no righting wrong. It's

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Speaker 2: just let people live, let them, you know, express themselves.

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Speaker 2: And I love you know how you're letting him play

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Speaker 2: with you know, how he wants his hair. And I'm

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Speaker 2: sure in all ways because I can tell that that's

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Speaker 2: just the kind of person that you are, because you

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Speaker 2: never want to be your kids first fully, And I

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Speaker 2: think during these years where they're cute and the chemic

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Speaker 2: can get wait with them, and then they start to

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Speaker 2: get into eat and a lot of people say that

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Speaker 2: eat is one of the most challenged in years to parents.

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Speaker 2: I definitely believe this, and getting into the tween and

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Speaker 2: the teen years, you know, really becoming their friend and

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Speaker 2: fostering a good relationship with them, nothing is more important,

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Speaker 2: I think, because you want them to always know that

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Speaker 2: you have their back, you're on the side, that you're

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Speaker 2: the safe person that they can come to, and so

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Speaker 2: it sounds like that's what's happening and hopefully I'll be

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Speaker 2: able to do that with all of mine.

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Speaker 1: And I saw you say on the show that you're

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Speaker 1: honest with your kids and you lead by that, and

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Speaker 1: I think, I you just said friendship. And again people

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Speaker 1: will slam people that say, like, don't be best friends

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Speaker 1: with your kids, and they'll see this and be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: they both said they're friends with their kids. But it's

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Speaker 1: important to me, like, of course i'm their parent and

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Speaker 1: I'm there, but I'm not trying to be their best friend.

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Speaker 1: I'm just trying to have an open communication. I grew

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Speaker 1: up in a different generation. Obviously I'm a lot older

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Speaker 1: than you, but like, I love that much. Actually twelve

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Speaker 1: years but.

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Speaker 2: No, I didn't know eleven years.

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Speaker 1: I'll be fifty two in May.

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Speaker 2: Good, good, and enjoy life.

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to for the first time because I feel

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Speaker 1: like for the first time, because no one's ever allowed

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Speaker 1: me to be myself, you know, and I fed into

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Speaker 1: that for so long and now going through a divorce

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Speaker 1: and going through Sorry, this is about you and I'm

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Speaker 1: making about me.

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Speaker 2: No, I love it.

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Speaker 1: This is stuff I've like wanted to talk to you

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Speaker 1: about for so long, but we're too busy talking about Bengals,

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Speaker 1: which oh my god. But yeah, I'm starting to be like, wait,

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Speaker 1: I I want to enjoy myself. I've always been authentic,

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Speaker 1: but I felt so judged that I'd have to like

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Speaker 1: kind of curtail to this and people please, and it's like,

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Speaker 1: I just want to be happy. I want to dress

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Speaker 1: the way I want to dress.

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Speaker 2: What are you doing for yourself to be able to liberate?

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Speaker 2: Like where do you think? Because that's really where I'm

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Speaker 2: trying to figure out again, Like you said before, in theory,

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Speaker 2: it's great, but in practice, it's really really hard, like

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Speaker 2: what are you doing that allows you to find that independence,

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Speaker 2: the self worth, the comfort of being like I'm going

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Speaker 2: to live life.

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Speaker 1: My way, just surviving. It's like, I don't know, I

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Speaker 1: think the divorce really helped me have a voice and

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Speaker 1: help me kind of go okay. I felt like for

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Speaker 1: so long I was trying to not cover my acts,

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Speaker 1: protect what the world perceived, because from the moment, I mean,

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Speaker 1: you know, since the moment you two got together, there

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Speaker 1: was like, you know, she's so much younger, like is

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Speaker 1: she a gold digger? Why is she like so much shit?

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Speaker 1: But the moment Dean and I got together, it was like,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah, because we met, we were both married. You know,

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Speaker 1: she's a homewrecker. And I give them six months And

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Speaker 1: as you say, it's the noise, you're just like trying

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Speaker 1: to quiet it. But it's really challenging. And I think

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Speaker 1: for so long, even when we had our reality show,

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Speaker 1: I would try really hard to protect that. And we

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Speaker 1: had two different reality shows. We had Tori and Dean,

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Speaker 1: and that was more light hearted family stuff and it

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Speaker 1: was all authentic what everyone saw. But you know, when

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Speaker 1: any fights or stuff would have we kind of did

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Speaker 1: that behind closed doors, and we didn't want to prove

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Speaker 1: people right that it's like something's wrong. And then my

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Speaker 1: husband publicly it was infidelity, and the woman sold a

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Speaker 1: story and it all came out and it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you know, the curtain came up. It's like the Great

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Speaker 1: Oz and it's like, oh my god. You know, everyone said,

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Speaker 1: like you found your prints. I wish I had a

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Speaker 1: Dean and I wanted to say like, yeah, there's great

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Speaker 1: things about him, but there's also really dark things, and

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Speaker 1: there's addiction issues, and there's emotional issues and anger. But

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Speaker 1: I couldn't. So when that blew up, I did true

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Speaker 1: tory and I was just like fuck it, and I

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Speaker 1: just put it all out there. But then as soon

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Speaker 1: as you do that, everyone's like too much. Why are

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Speaker 1: you putting that all out there?

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Speaker 2: Right? But it's not. And that's the whole thing I

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Speaker 2: started to learn. When you know, what I would do

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Speaker 2: press or people would ask me questions like well people

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Speaker 2: say and it's like, well, who's saying it saying it?

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Speaker 2: Or is there a group of people that who knows

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Speaker 2: how many there are if they really believe it or not?

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Speaker 2: You know, in front of our house, people say, you know,

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Speaker 2: the paparassi. Sometimes they'll say the craziest thing and the

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Speaker 2: only reason they're saying this is to get us to react.

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Speaker 2: So it's not And that's the thing. It's like, if

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Speaker 2: somebody wants to come and have a real conversation and say, Tori,

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Speaker 2: this is what I think about you, you know the

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Speaker 2: first then go back to the audacity, right, But it

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Speaker 2: really isn't. It's we are we have been able to

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Speaker 2: hide a system, and not just for people in the

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Speaker 2: public eye. By the way, this now is rampant among

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Speaker 2: children who are online now, amongst people in workplaces, on

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Speaker 2: their homes, like every it is everywhere now. This is

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Speaker 2: a relatable subject now. And when you and I first

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Speaker 2: started experiencing this, it wasn't relatable, right because it was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: oh my god, to cry I cry about No, it's

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Speaker 2: actually everywhere now, and so I think it's time to

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Speaker 2: have these kind of these conversations, but taking more seriously

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Speaker 2: and saying, hey, where are my boundaries? And ultimately I'm

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Speaker 2: only one person and one nervous system. And for kids

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Speaker 2: who are experiencing all these opinions and the bullying online

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Speaker 2: and stuff like that, they're a very underdeveloped nervous system

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Speaker 2: still you know what I mean, whatever scientific way to

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Speaker 2: put it, but they're still growing and the brain is

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Speaker 2: still forming and everything, and you know, it's we need

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Speaker 2: to clean it up and teach everybody boundaries, starting with

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Speaker 2: ourselves and then just hoping that other people will also

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Speaker 2: follow suit. But it is, you know, I find that.

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Speaker 2: You know, I'm very proud of you for what you

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Speaker 2: just shared with me, of being able to go and

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Speaker 2: just be like, I'm just I'm so sick of it.

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Speaker 2: I'm just going to show you. And that's how I

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Speaker 2: felt about the reality show. It's how I felt about

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Speaker 2: this book, you know, take it or leave it. But

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Speaker 2: I when I met Alec, everybody had the opinions. I

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Speaker 2: was like, all underprepared for what this public life world was.

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Speaker 2: I came from the yoga worlds. Everybody's really nice. It's

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Speaker 2: all about breathing and I must say and shabasana, like

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Speaker 2: everything's like really nice and happy, right, and then all

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Speaker 2: of a sudden, I get you know, I started getting Alec.

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Speaker 2: I put into this world and I have no idea

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Speaker 2: what I'm doing. And by the way, Alec Baltwman is

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Speaker 2: not like a great teacher on tarts of like how

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Speaker 2: to be in the public eye, okay, because he has

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Speaker 2: these opinions and his you know, strong feelings about things.

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Speaker 2: So I'm learning it through him. And you know, whether

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Speaker 2: people talk about you and it's kind or it's not kind,

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00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,480
Speaker 2: whether it's true or it's not true, it's people talking

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Speaker 2: about you for you. And I think when you did

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Speaker 2: this project that you did, and you know, I've done

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Speaker 2: some of these projects that I'm learning I'm beginning to do.

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Speaker 2: This is us taking back, you know, and say, hey,

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Speaker 2: you know what, I'm a whole person and this is

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Speaker 2: these are these are my words, this is my voice,

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Speaker 2: this is who I am, and I'm going to continue

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Speaker 2: to evolve. You know, the pain that maybe you showed

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Speaker 2: on that show and you know is a pain that

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Speaker 2: you were dealing with, and it was very true in

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Speaker 2: that moment. And then maybe in five years is this

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Speaker 2: and another five years is this, and that's valid.

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Speaker 1: It's totally about great because we're always changing or you hope.

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Speaker 1: You know, that's when there's a problem when people don't evolve. Yes,

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Speaker 1: So yeah, so now people say like, oh, she's a

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Speaker 1: hot mess, she's a train wreck, and I'm like I mean,

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Speaker 1: if my kids love me, I'm a great mom.

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Speaker 2: I work my ass off exactly. It's like if you're

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Speaker 2: a train red both, I'll get on that train reck

364
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Speaker 2: with you because you know then not, by the way,

365
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Speaker 2: this is a woman. When a woman uses their voice,

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Speaker 2: they stand up for themselves. They live the life, the family, everything.

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Speaker 2: They're survivor. You're survivor, you've been through a lot. Then

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Speaker 2: you know, people come and it is I think ultimately,

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Speaker 2: what it does is it makes people uncomfortable sometimes with

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Speaker 2: ourselves as women, like well, what this is against the

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Speaker 2: rules we have, like these rules that we've been like, yes,

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Speaker 2: we've been grained and this person outside of the rules,

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Speaker 2: and we like, are we're belonging to people? We're black people,

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Speaker 2: we got it? Like ring it in? This is not

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Speaker 2: an okay thing to do, you know. I mean, like

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Speaker 2: how many times people, you know, I post something online

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00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,160
Speaker 2: or something and they're like, did you did you ask

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Speaker 2: your husband permission for that?

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Speaker 1: I was like, excuse me, You're like, uh, it's it's

380
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Speaker 1: twenty twenty five and nineteen fifties didn't have Instagram, so

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Speaker 1: go back to that.

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Speaker 2: So okay, y, yeah, yeah, no, no, truly true it is.

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Speaker 1: We're conditioned. We're so But you know what I feel like,

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Speaker 1: you know, obviously watching you from the outside, I feel

385
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:58,320
Speaker 1: like you are overcoming that you're owning that it's like,

386
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Speaker 1: okay to break that mold. And that to me is

387
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:07,920
Speaker 1: inspirational because it's it's such and I don't know if

388
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,440
Speaker 1: anyone will ever get past it. Like you know, it's

389
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,000
Speaker 1: still you're supposed to. You know, you're supposed to be married,

390
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,960
Speaker 1: You're supposed to you know, be like have all these

391
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,479
Speaker 1: like things, you're supposed to hit and you know you're

392
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,399
Speaker 1: supposed to have the two kids three years apart or

393
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:26,000
Speaker 1: two years apart. Right, That's how like women plan things out.

394
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Speaker 1: It's like, Okay, that's what worked for them, and that's great,

395
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,800
Speaker 1: but it doesn't work the same for everyone. And we

396
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:38,160
Speaker 1: have to let people be themselves. And that's what we're

397
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Speaker 1: teaching our children and.

398
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Speaker 2: We're teaching each other. I mean, the title of my

399
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,720
Speaker 2: book is Manuel Not Included, and the whole thing is

400
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Speaker 2: just like there's no man.

401
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Speaker 1: I love that title. By the way, thank you.

402
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Speaker 2: It was like just this when I started.

403
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Speaker 1: Your book, and I'm loving it. And I got to say,

404
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 1: I haven't sat down with a book in so long

405
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:01,119
Speaker 1: and I used to be a big reader. But I felt,

406
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,680
Speaker 1: well for me at least at least knowing you a

407
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:08,960
Speaker 1: little bit, like it was so relatable and I could

408
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,840
Speaker 1: hear your voice coming out of it, and well, I

409
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 1: really max it comes out correct, ma.

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00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,080
Speaker 2: Sex it comes out. But you know, I mean, what

411
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Speaker 2: I was going to say is that the other day,

412
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Speaker 2: off of what you were saying that, there was a

413
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Speaker 2: woman who stopped me at this copy shop that I

414
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,800
Speaker 2: go to, and she said that she enjoyed watching her show.

415
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Speaker 2: And it's always so meaningful when people say that because

416
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Speaker 2: it feels so authentic and felt so cathartic at the time,

417
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,679
Speaker 2: and she said she was excited about the book, and

418
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Speaker 2: she said, you know what I learned from watching your show.

419
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,480
Speaker 2: I'm going to swear for a second because that was

420
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:41,840
Speaker 2: her words, So if you guys have to cleep it up,

421
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:47,119
Speaker 2: she said, you're one tough, strong bitch. And I just

422
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,760
Speaker 2: felt like, because I don't know how you feel when

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Speaker 2: you go through her I don't feel like that all

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Speaker 2: the time. I you know, because I have so many kids,

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Speaker 2: and I don't want my kids that, even though I'm

426
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Speaker 2: honest with them, I don't want them to see me

427
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,840
Speaker 2: cry or feel unsure, and of course they've seen that.

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00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,320
Speaker 2: So I try to, like I'll close myself off and

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Speaker 2: like cry for like thirty seconds really hard, like try

430
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 2: to get it all out, and then I wipe the rips,

431
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,440
Speaker 2: like Gartie, it's gonna come out and smile. But there's

432
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,919
Speaker 2: how many times I was just like, I don't know

433
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,159
Speaker 2: what to do. There is no manual for this. I

434
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 2: don't know, which is why it has this title. There's

435
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,160
Speaker 2: there is no one right way, and there's nobody's telling

436
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,720
Speaker 2: me because there's no experience that has really been had

437
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,520
Speaker 2: exactly in the way that my life is unfolding and.

438
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,439
Speaker 1: Never will be and never will be.

439
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,800
Speaker 2: And when it is exactly, we're all different and we're

440
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,160
Speaker 2: also similar, and it's just we're just a mixed we're

441
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,640
Speaker 2: a mixed back. But when this woman, what I responded

442
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:40,240
Speaker 2: to her was it was other strong, tough bitches that

443
00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:43,240
Speaker 2: got me through. And it could be people that I

444
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,680
Speaker 2: knew that I had deep conversations with. It could be,

445
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,919
Speaker 2: you know, people who I just met on the street.

446
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:53,000
Speaker 2: It could be people who are not well known online,

447
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:56,399
Speaker 2: you know, you know, inspirational people on It could be

448
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,680
Speaker 2: famous people on the but it was women who were

449
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,720
Speaker 2: living their life. Just like you're saying, I'm going to

450
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,359
Speaker 2: come and be wrong. I'm going to show myself that

451
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:08,560
Speaker 2: it gives me permission to try that, you know. So

452
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,640
Speaker 2: I'm really standing on the shoulders of other women who

453
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 2: were brave enough to do what I am attempting, what

454
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:18,040
Speaker 2: I'm practicing to do. And sometimes I get it right

455
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,120
Speaker 2: and sometimes I get it wrong. And sometimes I try

456
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:22,439
Speaker 2: and I mess it up, and I feel like I

457
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 2: would tray myself because I did it in the not

458
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,480
Speaker 2: the way that I wanted to be And I just

459
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,879
Speaker 2: told my friends and like cry about it and then

460
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,200
Speaker 2: they picked me back up. But it's just a practice

461
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,080
Speaker 2: because we've been so conditioned to do the opposite.

462
00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:38,720
Speaker 1: I completely agree. And now from what you are doing,

463
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 1: other women are able to stand on your shoulders. Thank you.

464
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,199
Speaker 2: I mean, we're all we're all in this together and

465
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,439
Speaker 2: all of it all we are. We kind of live free,

466
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:47,720
Speaker 2: you know.

467
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 1: So It's interesting because it's women that we look towards

468
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:57,639
Speaker 1: to have a community, to have, you know, a connection with,

469
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:03,760
Speaker 1: but it's also women that simultaneously completely break us down. Yes,

470
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:09,920
Speaker 1: which is something I hope we move past. Men while

471
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:13,679
Speaker 1: we love them, it's you know, it's more of a

472
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 1: simple thing. You know, you never see you never see

473
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 1: men judging or going at other men, and it's like

474
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:28,840
Speaker 1: they're living their lives and we just you know, it's

475
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:29,360
Speaker 1: a hard thing.

476
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,520
Speaker 2: I don't know if you saw the episode, just to

477
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:33,440
Speaker 2: bring a little like lightheartedness, because I thought it was

478
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 2: one of the funniest parts of my of the show

479
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:40,240
Speaker 2: where Alec and I while I was pregnant with our

480
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 2: seventh whenever dear dear friends, who was on our first

481
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 2: day because I would only go out with Alec who

482
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 2: we went out in like a group situation, because I

483
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,119
Speaker 2: was like, I don't know this person. So Scott Ellis,

484
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:54,439
Speaker 2: who's amazing director on Broadway. He was on our first days,

485
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,120
Speaker 2: our wedding. Him and his husband are just like love

486
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,920
Speaker 2: them so much. He was directing play called Take Me

487
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,200
Speaker 2: Out on Broadway, and I don't know if you heard

488
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:07,119
Speaker 2: about Staking Me Out, but everybody is naked skate on

489
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,359
Speaker 2: stage for like the majority of the play. Now, I

490
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:12,320
Speaker 2: as much as I love Scott and we want to

491
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,119
Speaker 2: like support him, I knew because I'm still friendly with

492
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,240
Speaker 2: him and Alec is friendly with him. My ex boyfriend

493
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:23,439
Speaker 2: was in the show that we went to watch that

494
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,480
Speaker 2: I was trying not to go to because can you

495
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 2: imagine I'm pregnant with me my seventh sitting next to

496
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,399
Speaker 2: my husband and my ex boyfriend is naked for like

497
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,399
Speaker 2: what is an hour and a half or whatever a

498
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:37,800
Speaker 2: Broadway show is, And so this just shows you what.

499
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:44,080
Speaker 2: Alex knew that and he wanted you want, no, no, no,

500
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,320
Speaker 2: I'm there like this looking at my lap the whole time.

501
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 2: It's really really awkward, and he wanted to go backstage

502
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,639
Speaker 2: and say hello and shake his head like you were

503
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,760
Speaker 2: so great. You know, he's like a younger actor. You know,

504
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,240
Speaker 2: I've not done this same things that Alec has done,

505
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,119
Speaker 2: and he's so so kind, and you know, just Alec

506
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:08,520
Speaker 2: is just literally the best with other actors. And I

507
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:12,119
Speaker 2: am just like like just don't know what to say

508
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 2: because it is the awkward position that like is the

509
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:17,520
Speaker 2: most unrelatable experience, like no one else has had this experience.

510
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 2: And Alec on the show is like the most complimentary

511
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:27,840
Speaker 2: of my ex boyfriend and his like physique, and I'm

512
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,400
Speaker 2: just like, that's a man supporting a man. He's like, yeah,

513
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,560
Speaker 2: he looks really good naked. And he said it in

514
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 2: other words that are a little bit more graphic that

515
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 2: I will let you go and take a look because

516
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,880
Speaker 2: it's online. But can you imagine?

517
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 1: Wait, which how did I miss this? Which episode? Is

518
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:44,280
Speaker 1: it in seven or eight?

519
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:47,360
Speaker 2: I know, I feel like it's like, I don't know,

520
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,720
Speaker 2: maybe six as something like that. I have to look,

521
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,880
Speaker 2: I have to look back. But yeah, no, it is

522
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:56,560
Speaker 2: one of the moments. And the best part about it

523
00:28:56,600 --> 00:29:00,480
Speaker 2: as well is no one asked Alec about this, and

524
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,520
Speaker 2: he just like, like the you know, we were on

525
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:04,800
Speaker 2: the couch and we're talking about different things and different

526
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:05,280
Speaker 2: and he's.

527
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,720
Speaker 1: Like, during your sitdown interview, the producer didn't.

528
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 2: Ask no And that was like the funniest thing and

529
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,640
Speaker 2: super complimentary and super kind about my ex boyfriend, about

530
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 2: us to see my ex boyfriend nick, you know, I

531
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,040
Speaker 2: think that would make me very uncomfortable. I don't know

532
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 2: if i'd be like, you know, as positive as him.

533
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:31,719
Speaker 1: But that does some of his personality like he I mean, gosh,

534
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:34,760
Speaker 1: the lives you guys have. You have to have a

535
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 1: sense of humor. Oh my god, that's crazy.

536
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:42,760
Speaker 2: Absolutely crazy. I mean, if you don't laugh, you.

537
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:47,040
Speaker 1: Was he like a boyfriend? Oh gosh, I guess you

538
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:50,560
Speaker 1: can't answer this like a well endowed boyfriend, and.

539
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,719
Speaker 2: He was, No, he was. I think Alex called it

540
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,040
Speaker 2: like a baseball batmanclarinet. But it's we can.

541
00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:05,080
Speaker 1: I love that, I know, like I.

542
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 2: Mean, it's like he has such comfort with himself that

543
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,640
Speaker 2: he can go and say this when nobody asked him,

544
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 2: I'm not like tell the story, producers, not like tell

545
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,240
Speaker 2: the story. He said, I'm just going to tell the

546
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:18,840
Speaker 2: story and that's out.

547
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:23,680
Speaker 1: That's what's it up. I love that. That is so beautiful.

548
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 1: Do you, I mean, what was the reason you initially

549
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:31,200
Speaker 1: wanted to do with the Baldwins. Did you feel sorry

550
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 1: not to put words in your mouth but no, no, no.

551
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: Did you feel because I know I haven't the past.

552
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,560
Speaker 1: Did you feel like, I mean when it's great you

553
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 1: get to work with your family and that's I loved

554
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,240
Speaker 1: that part of it. Did you feel like you wanted

555
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 1: people to find you guys relatable?

556
00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 2: I mean, I think one of the most important things

557
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 2: to understand about me that I hope I can be

558
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,960
Speaker 2: in the in the in both the book and the show,

559
00:30:55,200 --> 00:31:00,840
Speaker 2: is that I am a very impulsive person, always think

560
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 2: things through, not necessarily and I mean sometimes it doesn't

561
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,120
Speaker 2: go well, but it's not in the typically reckless ways.

562
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 2: But you could consider doing a reality show starting to

563
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 2: film two weeks before my husband went on child that's

564
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 2: a little reckless, right, And of course it was something

565
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 2: that Alec and I chose to do together. But in

566
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,960
Speaker 2: that time, you know, there was he was just in

567
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 2: such a hard place that I really had to stand

568
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 2: up and try to be the protector of the whole family.

569
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 2: And you know, I think a lot of times, if

570
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,880
Speaker 2: I thought it through better, I probably would have been like,

571
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:39,800
Speaker 2: all right, it's best to like just go into like

572
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,160
Speaker 2: our little cave and like hide out here and try

573
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 2: to figure this out. But I think because of all

574
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:50,280
Speaker 2: the people speaking for you about you again true not true, kind,

575
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 2: not kind, it was like, I want to speak, and

576
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 2: during a time when we're told not to speak, yeah,

577
00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,760
Speaker 2: and you know, we'd have people outside, you know, and

578
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:02,800
Speaker 2: or in different things they would like, what would you say?

579
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,320
Speaker 2: What do you say? And then you say something? How

580
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:05,320
Speaker 2: dare you say something?

581
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:05,840
Speaker 1: You know?

582
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:07,800
Speaker 2: And again damned if you do, damned if you don't.

583
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,600
Speaker 2: And the one rule is that you lose. And so

584
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:14,360
Speaker 2: it felt as much as I think I didn't think

585
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:18,000
Speaker 2: it through. I didn't really you know, think that you know,

586
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,960
Speaker 2: far and ahead, I have ADHD and I think something

587
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:24,360
Speaker 2: that's very typical of people, like as there's like the

588
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,200
Speaker 2: timeframe people talk about there's now and there's not now.

589
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,440
Speaker 2: So I'm like, We're just going to do it now.

590
00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,000
Speaker 2: I'm not going to think of it was that thing too,

591
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 2: just like now. And when that two week mark came

592
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 2: and everybody wrapped and we didn't film, you know, uh,

593
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,320
Speaker 2: going to trial, it was just us, you know, kind

594
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:43,760
Speaker 2: of we're going to break for three weeks, and I

595
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 2: look at the croon, I'm like, I'm not gonna we

596
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 2: all very close and I'm not going to see you

597
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:50,120
Speaker 2: guys again. They're like, nobody knows what's going to happen.

598
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,520
Speaker 2: Nobody knows. And then of course it went down the

599
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 2: way that it went down, and you know, we came

600
00:32:55,600 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 2: back in a week and our our producer flew back

601
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:03,440
Speaker 2: from Sarah Ready, who's like going to be one of

602
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:07,160
Speaker 2: my lifelong best friends, just from how amazing she wasn't

603
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 2: supportive through that really hard experience. She flew back and

604
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 2: beat us to our home and with her iPhone she filmed.

605
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,400
Speaker 2: I think it's the beginning of episode three where we're

606
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:19,280
Speaker 2: reuniting with the.

607
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,360
Speaker 1: Kids, which is so beautiful.

608
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,560
Speaker 2: Oh oh my god, meet too. Even when I think

609
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,600
Speaker 2: about it, and that's like, I barely remember that night

610
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 2: because I was so confused about like what is happening,

611
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:36,600
Speaker 2: what is going on? And just to see, you know,

612
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:39,480
Speaker 2: as much as when we parents are children through difficult

613
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 2: things to see, as much as we tried to protect

614
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 2: them and what you're saying, you know, I tried to

615
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:49,080
Speaker 2: I am honest with them. So they had to know

616
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:52,200
Speaker 2: they had to say goodbye to their dad, like they

617
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,000
Speaker 2: may not see them for a year and a half.

618
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:56,480
Speaker 1: And what'd you say? You said, Carmen said, should I

619
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,400
Speaker 1: say a meaningful goodbye to dad?

620
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:00,800
Speaker 2: Something like should I say to that like in a

621
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:02,960
Speaker 2: special way, like I'm not getting something like I'm not

622
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 2: going to see them for a long time? And and

623
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:09,319
Speaker 2: I said, yeah, I mean it like that's when when

624
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:13,240
Speaker 2: children have seen darkness, and this is in all different

625
00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:17,040
Speaker 2: walks of life. If you tell them it's okay and

626
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:21,279
Speaker 2: they're seeing it's not okay, then you are having them

627
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:27,200
Speaker 2: question their sense of okay and and giving them false understanding.

628
00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 2: Now we are strong, we will make it through. We

629
00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:33,920
Speaker 2: are here together, we are united. Yes, don't be so

630
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,879
Speaker 2: darkened down because you need to summon the strength within

631
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 2: yourself to be able to give them part and encourage.

632
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,880
Speaker 2: But you have to be real with them, you know.

633
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 2: And before you were saying something about you know, they say, oh, well,

634
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 2: I you know, don't be your kid's best friend. I think,

635
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,239
Speaker 2: be your kid's best friend. But what kind of I

636
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 2: think everybody who worries about that, what kind of best

637
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:59,279
Speaker 2: friend are you? Because I want to be the best friend.

638
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:01,520
Speaker 2: I mean, like with my friends, I'm very honest with them.

639
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:03,920
Speaker 2: I'm honest about client kinds. I'm not going to be

640
00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:06,319
Speaker 2: somebody who's like, you know, being like, yeah, let's go

641
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:10,879
Speaker 2: do something extremely ridiculous and negatively reckless. You know, I'm

642
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:12,959
Speaker 2: going to try to be there and be a good

643
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,000
Speaker 2: influence and I want them to be happy. And so

644
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:18,680
Speaker 2: I try to be my kid's best friends because you know,

645
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 2: I want them to know that a best friend is

646
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 2: going to support them and is going to help them

647
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,600
Speaker 2: leave their best life. Do they have to eat their vegetables, yes,

648
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:29,840
Speaker 2: do their homework, go to bed, be nice, all of

649
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,880
Speaker 2: these things. Yes, I am mon, we have rules, but

650
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:36,000
Speaker 2: I'm also a best friend, and best friends have rules too.

651
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:40,000
Speaker 1: This is true, and it's about redefining words I have

652
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:43,400
Speaker 1: found in life that people have put a definition on

653
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:46,120
Speaker 1: and it's like it's okay to say this ord or

654
00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:49,280
Speaker 1: have this meaning of something else, and how it works

655
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:52,520
Speaker 1: for me and my family. And so to me, a

656
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:58,320
Speaker 1: best friend is best advocate, like I am their best advocate.

657
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:01,560
Speaker 1: And honesty, I just I got to tell you. I

658
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:05,680
Speaker 1: watched the show and that's the part that just broke me,

659
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,840
Speaker 1: but like in a beautiful way, because it gave me

660
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:13,319
Speaker 1: permission to know what I was doing was okay. Was

661
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,920
Speaker 1: when Carmen does ask you that question and you say

662
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: about should I say, I mean ful goodbye, special goodbye,

663
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:24,359
Speaker 1: and you said you should, and I was like, she.

664
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 2: Should, and she actually came with us, you know. In

665
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,480
Speaker 2: the end, I didn't know, you know. And I think

666
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:32,080
Speaker 2: one of the complicated things. I don't know how you

667
00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 2: feel about having many kids is traveling. It's very complicated.

668
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,040
Speaker 2: And I actually never got into an airplane with all

669
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:44,400
Speaker 2: of them until recently went to go visit my family.

670
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 2: My all family lives o art seeing and we but

671
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:52,319
Speaker 2: at the time of the trial, I hadn't traveled with

672
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 2: all of them, and so I didn't know do I

673
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:58,759
Speaker 2: keep everybody together? And I'm such the I'm going to

674
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 2: keep taking care of you know I talk about in

675
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,840
Speaker 2: the book, He's got health scares. You always died, you know.

676
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:08,359
Speaker 2: During this whole thing, there's been so many hard things,

677
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,040
Speaker 2: and I just want to make sure you know I'm

678
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:14,000
Speaker 2: hovering around all of them, trying to keep everybody safe

679
00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:17,359
Speaker 2: and together. And the idea that I would go and

680
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,840
Speaker 2: travel so far from home and be away from my

681
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 2: children and I've never been away from before to go

682
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:29,160
Speaker 2: into this very scary and unknown situation, yeah, I didn't

683
00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:31,319
Speaker 2: know how to do that. And so in the end,

684
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,640
Speaker 2: and I knew that every decision I made was going

685
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,520
Speaker 2: to be wrong and right at the same time. There

686
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:37,560
Speaker 2: was going to be pros and cons. And so I

687
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,640
Speaker 2: decided to take my two that weren't in camp because

688
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:42,640
Speaker 2: the wounds in camp had a routine and I was

689
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:44,640
Speaker 2: only going to be gone for a couple of days.

690
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:47,759
Speaker 2: I was going to I was going to just go

691
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 2: and be with him, and he didn't want me to come.

692
00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:53,000
Speaker 2: He said, I you need to take care of our kids.

693
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 2: I need you to take care of the kids and

694
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 2: I'm going to go and face this alone, which like,

695
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:59,920
Speaker 2: oh my god, bless it. And he's just so he is.

696
00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:02,919
Speaker 2: He is so tough, you know, and so not tough,

697
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:05,400
Speaker 2: like you know that mix of the two. Anyway, So

698
00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:07,399
Speaker 2: I brought Carmen and I brought the baby and where

699
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:09,960
Speaker 2: my best friends came and he's on the show. We

700
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,640
Speaker 2: laid the rug together and he took care of them

701
00:38:12,719 --> 00:38:14,880
Speaker 2: during the day, and the baby I was, you know,

702
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,000
Speaker 2: still nursing her, and I was, you know, she was

703
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,360
Speaker 2: in bed with me, and or maybe I just top nursing,

704
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,760
Speaker 2: but she was still sleeping in bed with me, and

705
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 2: she was teething, so all night long I'd have her

706
00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:28,000
Speaker 2: on top of me and giving her emotion for the pain,

707
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,440
Speaker 2: and she's crying and jet lagged and all this sort

708
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 2: of stuff. And then you know, during the day we

709
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,400
Speaker 2: go and every single morning Carmen would ask me, is

710
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:39,760
Speaker 2: today the day I have to say goodbye to Taddy?

711
00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 2: And you know, it's just the world can be a

712
00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 2: hard place. World can be a hard place.

713
00:38:50,640 --> 00:39:04,400
Speaker 1: It can you say that you're impulsive, but I feel

714
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:09,239
Speaker 1: like watching you you and I don't know how you

715
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 1: do it. I think because I know. I know you.

716
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:15,440
Speaker 1: I know you as my text friend, but I know

717
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,239
Speaker 1: a lot of people that know you, and not one

718
00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 1: person has anything I'm kind to say about you. You're lovely,

719
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: your energy is great and people feel that. You know,

720
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:29,400
Speaker 1: I feel that across a zoom and you can't mimic that,

721
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:35,160
Speaker 1: and you're so kind. But I'm when I watch you,

722
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:38,920
Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, I don't know how because you say

723
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:42,719
Speaker 1: you're impulsive, but like I feel like everything you say,

724
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:46,200
Speaker 1: I'm like hanging on every word. But I'm like, you're

725
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: so mindful of how you speak. Were you always that way?

726
00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:56,839
Speaker 2: I think I've always been, you know, I'm a Capricorn,

727
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:01,000
Speaker 2: I'm a I'm a deep thinker. I remember when I

728
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:02,520
Speaker 2: was very little and I would go to bed at

729
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:06,560
Speaker 2: night and I would laying down and I would say,

730
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:08,759
Speaker 2: how did I treat people today? And how can I

731
00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:11,880
Speaker 2: treat people better tomorrow? I don't know where that came from.

732
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:14,919
Speaker 2: I sometimes think that we're old souls and I don't

733
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 2: even know. And it only started to hit me as

734
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:21,520
Speaker 2: an adult, and that, you know, watching my children growth,

735
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,839
Speaker 2: Like I come up with that from. But I do

736
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:28,839
Speaker 2: think that it came I've always just been somebod who's

737
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:31,920
Speaker 2: very connected to energy, and I want people around me

738
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:35,880
Speaker 2: to feel good. I want people to be happy. I,

739
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:42,920
Speaker 2: you know, very much was surrounded by people who really cared,

740
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,759
Speaker 2: and I'm very blessed for that. I think that the

741
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:49,920
Speaker 2: difficult parts of that is people who are wired like

742
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:52,239
Speaker 2: me tend to give ourselves a way a lot. So

743
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,839
Speaker 2: again I'm now I'm trying to learn and say, hey,

744
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:58,319
Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to give to everybody, But

745
00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,640
Speaker 2: I'm feeling really empty right now, and so I'm trying

746
00:41:01,719 --> 00:41:06,040
Speaker 2: to learn to connect with the people also who can

747
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,960
Speaker 2: I can give to and then they're going to also

748
00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 2: give with me, you know. And it can just be

749
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:15,280
Speaker 2: this energy that we're giving, you know. I mean, good

750
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 2: energy from people is so energizing, it's so just it

751
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 2: just fills you up and it gives you hope. And

752
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,360
Speaker 2: I think the impulsivity, it's not again I think the

753
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,920
Speaker 2: word impulsive sometimes can can feel like such a negative thing.

754
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 2: But you know, as being the mother of so many,

755
00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:34,680
Speaker 2: like you can try to make a plan and the

756
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:36,800
Speaker 2: plan's going to go bad, like it's just going to

757
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:39,200
Speaker 2: go bad. Yeah, And I think it's just it's like

758
00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:42,800
Speaker 2: impulsivity it's flexibility and it's like okay, sure I'll try this, Okay,

759
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:46,239
Speaker 2: I'll do this, you know. And and that's my mother

760
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:48,239
Speaker 2: and I bought our belly button hears when when I

761
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:50,040
Speaker 2: think she's when she was like fifty or something like that,

762
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:53,839
Speaker 2: like I was like, sure, let's do it. And the

763
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:56,600
Speaker 2: person who ap peers at least my value, but I

764
00:41:56,600 --> 00:42:01,000
Speaker 2: don't remember was like trying like learning, let's do this.

765
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,359
Speaker 2: It's like that kind of thing. Let's try this now

766
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:05,560
Speaker 2: that was gonna always work out well to find in

767
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,279
Speaker 2: this party in this instance. But I think just like

768
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 2: being there and wanting to experience life, I think that

769
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:16,160
Speaker 2: there's just a spontaneity and willing to try it and

770
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:20,200
Speaker 2: willing to play and be curious. I think that's that's

771
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:21,439
Speaker 2: something that's definitely.

772
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:23,960
Speaker 1: Vary me and you never want to let that go

773
00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:27,879
Speaker 1: like that. It's that light I call it, that is

774
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:31,280
Speaker 1: inside of you that keeps you going, keeps your family going.

775
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:35,160
Speaker 1: But to that note, like I know, I go through

776
00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:38,799
Speaker 1: this a lot. You're taking care of everyone, You're that

777
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:43,320
Speaker 1: safe place for everyone in your family. Who does fulfill

778
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:45,480
Speaker 1: that for you? How do you get that?

779
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:49,600
Speaker 2: Oh, it's that like mom time how do we get

780
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:51,239
Speaker 2: how do we get that? I don't know if I've

781
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:55,840
Speaker 2: come up with the right thing yet. I definitely exercise

782
00:42:55,920 --> 00:43:01,000
Speaker 2: for me is extremely important part because of just sort

783
00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:06,560
Speaker 2: of my hyper nature. And I've been like that growing up.

784
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:08,640
Speaker 2: I was, you know, many times the kid that was

785
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:15,000
Speaker 2: like running around the classroom and I would, So I

786
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:20,600
Speaker 2: run every day. And I have really really good friends.

787
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,960
Speaker 2: I have really really good friends, and I'm so connected

788
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 2: with my family. My big brother is you're in a

789
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 2: huffold within me and I he just gives me so much.

790
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:32,920
Speaker 2: And I think it's through connecting with other people and

791
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:36,200
Speaker 2: just being like a little bit messy, just be like,

792
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:38,040
Speaker 2: oh my god. And you know, I have one friend

793
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:43,719
Speaker 2: who he and I will talk about absolutely nothing, like

794
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 2: we'rely taxi drivers. Maybe taxi drivers are actually talking about things.

795
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 2: I don't know, but like it's been in the taxi

796
00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:51,839
Speaker 2: and they're just like all day long, they're just on

797
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:53,480
Speaker 2: like the phone. There's like a joke about it, like

798
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 2: that they're just talking and talking all day long. And

799
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:58,080
Speaker 2: he and I are like this, I've just the word

800
00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:00,279
Speaker 2: like talking and we're just you know, it's it's like

801
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:02,839
Speaker 2: a and it can be our conversation will from very

802
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:05,960
Speaker 2: typical age from here. He also has to hear to hear,

803
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 2: to hear, to hear, to hear to hear, and it

804
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,960
Speaker 2: makes sense to us. But like sometimes they will listen

805
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 2: and and you like, He's like, I can't handle the

806
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:16,360
Speaker 2: two if you got annually. So I think it's just

807
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:19,279
Speaker 2: having saved people, and you know, moving my body I

808
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:24,080
Speaker 2: think is really important. A therapy. Love the therapy, Love therapy.

809
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:25,880
Speaker 1: I just went back into therapy.

810
00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:28,399
Speaker 2: That's the best. I don't know, how do you other

811
00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:30,080
Speaker 2: than other than therapy? What are you like?

812
00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:31,920
Speaker 1: I don't know the answer. I guess I was trying

813
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 1: to ask you for tips. I don't know because I

814
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:40,440
Speaker 1: but I I'm the type. I've been like this my

815
00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:45,279
Speaker 1: whole life. I repress everything so and I'm a good

816
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:48,239
Speaker 1: listener and I want to take care of people. I

817
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,960
Speaker 1: want to save people. I'm trying to work on that.

818
00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:55,919
Speaker 1: And I'm a nurturer. So it's like I give, give, give, give,

819
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,040
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, but wait, wait, wait, I'm just

820
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:04,680
Speaker 1: pushing all my feelings down and it's it's near impossible

821
00:45:04,719 --> 00:45:08,399
Speaker 1: to do when you have a big family because there

822
00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 1: are so many and while there's two parents, there's only

823
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,680
Speaker 1: one of you, and it's the mom. You know that

824
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:19,719
Speaker 1: you're just like, oh, a mom feeling and so and

825
00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:23,120
Speaker 1: the mom guilds like that's a real thing.

826
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:27,360
Speaker 2: It's a real thanks one. We're never going to be enough.

827
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:33,080
Speaker 2: But I think that part of a great lesson for

828
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:36,759
Speaker 2: our kids is that they will hopefully learn that their

829
00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:40,400
Speaker 2: moms are humans too. Here people, And I say that

830
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:42,960
Speaker 2: to them sometimes when it's just so much. You know,

831
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,600
Speaker 2: I don't know if you've had the experience, but I

832
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:48,640
Speaker 2: can have all seven of them shouting different things at

833
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,880
Speaker 2: me at the same time. One's mad, one's excited. Was

834
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:55,279
Speaker 2: just like it's all the different emotions, and it's it's

835
00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 2: almost like a joke. You have seven children around this

836
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:01,399
Speaker 2: one person, and I'm just like thinking, and I've said

837
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:03,879
Speaker 2: to them a few times and be like, you can

838
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:07,160
Speaker 2: break me. I can be broken a person, and I

839
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:11,040
Speaker 2: can't be breakable. So like, I want to hear everything

840
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:13,320
Speaker 2: that you guys are saying, but like I can't register

841
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,080
Speaker 2: any of this. And sometimes they've learned a little bit.

842
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:18,839
Speaker 2: They're like, I think mom looks a little overwhelmed right now.

843
00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:24,120
Speaker 2: And so just being able to focus and take time

844
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:26,279
Speaker 2: and you know, I mean, and there's no you know.

845
00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:28,920
Speaker 2: The reason why you and I don't have the answer

846
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,160
Speaker 2: for this is we need different things every day. We're

847
00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:34,200
Speaker 2: gonna wake up some days and we have lots of energy,

848
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,200
Speaker 2: and we're gonna wake up some days and it's just like,

849
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:37,960
Speaker 2: you know, I didn't sleep all last night, or I

850
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:40,719
Speaker 2: just feeling down, or somebody said something to me and

851
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:42,799
Speaker 2: that makes me so sad, and it got to me

852
00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 2: and it shouldn't get to me. Now I'm mad at

853
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,719
Speaker 2: myself that it got to me, you know. I mean,

854
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:50,239
Speaker 2: it's just we are such fluid beings and I think that,

855
00:46:52,080 --> 00:46:54,720
Speaker 2: you know, ultimately, the more that we can tap into

856
00:46:54,840 --> 00:46:59,040
Speaker 2: what we're feeling and connect with ourselves. And I have

857
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:01,400
Speaker 2: a first book that I that I wrote called The

858
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:04,960
Speaker 2: Living Clearly Method that was much more to do with this,

859
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:09,040
Speaker 2: and it was about connecting within yourself. I had a

860
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:13,040
Speaker 2: very bad eating disorder for like twenty years, and I

861
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:15,040
Speaker 2: have a great relationship with food now, which I would

862
00:47:15,080 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 2: have never imagined possible. But it really plagued me for

863
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,000
Speaker 2: a long time. And I could have a completely rational

864
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:25,600
Speaker 2: conversation with you about how Anirex and Blivia was bad.

865
00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:27,239
Speaker 2: I talk like this, and the same time, I think

866
00:47:27,239 --> 00:47:29,279
Speaker 2: that's really buy it's awful, this and this and this

867
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:31,359
Speaker 2: and this, and then I would go home and I'd

868
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:32,360
Speaker 2: repeat the pattern.

869
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:36,120
Speaker 1: And why I understand.

870
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,080
Speaker 2: Be able to get into that point, and I would

871
00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:43,480
Speaker 2: basically get into a point where I would associate and

872
00:47:43,719 --> 00:47:47,200
Speaker 2: spiral and collapse, you know, I just would not I

873
00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:51,319
Speaker 2: would go into a place where my my uncomfortable, my

874
00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:53,880
Speaker 2: discomfort with my nervous system would take over and do

875
00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:59,480
Speaker 2: behavior that was self harming. And I learned that I

876
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 2: had to practice when I was in my good space,

877
00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:07,080
Speaker 2: these techniques of connecting with my body, my breath, my grounding,

878
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,680
Speaker 2: my core, you know, and be very aware and clear

879
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:13,440
Speaker 2: and everything should look much more clear, because when we associate,

880
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:16,760
Speaker 2: everything kind of goes very inward and we lose touch

881
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:20,520
Speaker 2: with our physical surroundings. And the more I practiced that,

882
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:23,680
Speaker 2: the more when I started to get into my moments

883
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:26,839
Speaker 2: where things weren't going well, where I was starting to

884
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:30,960
Speaker 2: do this behavior that it wanted to not be doing anymore,

885
00:48:31,120 --> 00:48:33,520
Speaker 2: I could wake up from it. I can hold on

886
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:35,439
Speaker 2: a little bit more. Little by little, I could hold

887
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:38,040
Speaker 2: on a little bit more to me treating my body well.

888
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:43,720
Speaker 2: And then I was able slowly and slowly but surely

889
00:48:44,160 --> 00:48:47,640
Speaker 2: to be able to, you know, fix my problem that

890
00:48:47,719 --> 00:48:52,800
Speaker 2: I had. But it wasn't rationalizing it. It wasn't taking baths,

891
00:48:52,880 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 2: chewing your food a certain amount of time. It wasn't lavender,

892
00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 2: it wasn't any of these things. It was literally just

893
00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:01,720
Speaker 2: connecting with my body and staying connected all the time.

894
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:06,680
Speaker 1: Now, having been through that and come out the other side,

895
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:10,640
Speaker 1: do you feel in a different way? Obviously it's something

896
00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:16,600
Speaker 1: vastly different that you carry that over, the disassociation with

897
00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:21,400
Speaker 1: your life because of the public image and the critiques.

898
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:27,839
Speaker 2: Sometimes I've gone through some you know, some moments where

899
00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:29,960
Speaker 2: I was just like, I was like, oh shit, I

900
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:32,360
Speaker 2: thought I learned this lesson already, because you can feel it,

901
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 2: you know, when you're disconnected from yourself, and then you

902
00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:36,960
Speaker 2: have to forgive yourself, which is one of the hardest

903
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:37,880
Speaker 2: things of just being.

904
00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 1: Like I am a because it's trauma in a different.

905
00:49:40,239 --> 00:49:44,239
Speaker 2: Way, it's trauma trauma. It's also unnecessary and silly. But

906
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:50,239
Speaker 2: you know, I mean, but but I I had to

907
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,920
Speaker 2: try to use those techniques I try to learn from

908
00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:56,359
Speaker 2: you know, we all we all learned, we learned from

909
00:49:56,440 --> 00:50:00,239
Speaker 2: our our you know our difficult moments. You know, they

910
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:03,240
Speaker 2: say think or swim, and if you swim, as a

911
00:50:03,239 --> 00:50:06,320
Speaker 2: as a fitness instructor, if you swim, you get stronger.

912
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:08,520
Speaker 2: If I'm swimming, my muscles are going to get stronger.

913
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:12,760
Speaker 2: And so oh well, you know, but you're a walker.

914
00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:14,840
Speaker 2: You know you're here. You walk. Either you walk or

915
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:17,520
Speaker 2: you sit down. You you're a walker. But whatever it is,

916
00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:19,960
Speaker 2: when you continue to move through it, you're fighting through it,

917
00:50:20,200 --> 00:50:24,359
Speaker 2: You're going to get stronger, and that strength hopefully will

918
00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:28,640
Speaker 2: then when you get your next difficult moment, translate into

919
00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:30,600
Speaker 2: being able to deal with a little bit a little

920
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:31,040
Speaker 2: bit better.

921
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:42,600
Speaker 1: Do you feel like you guys are constantly in fight

922
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:45,160
Speaker 1: or flight in some form?

923
00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:48,400
Speaker 2: I think that we have been for a very long time,

924
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:54,799
Speaker 2: and I think that we are. It's something I the

925
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:57,880
Speaker 2: question you as something that I think about every single

926
00:50:57,960 --> 00:51:01,440
Speaker 2: day for myself, and I try, because of my experience,

927
00:51:01,480 --> 00:51:04,439
Speaker 2: to calm and nervous system and notice when it gets

928
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:07,759
Speaker 2: repped up again. I think my husband very much is

929
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:11,719
Speaker 2: in fight or flight all the time, and I'm very

930
00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:17,400
Speaker 2: much as his partner. I'm trying to help him with that.

931
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:24,439
Speaker 2: And I don't blame him because it's just it's just hard,

932
00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:30,319
Speaker 2: you know, but I always have hope that that he

933
00:51:30,400 --> 00:51:34,200
Speaker 2: can find some kind of connection and peace because he

934
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:36,919
Speaker 2: has so much to live for. You know, we've got

935
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:39,319
Speaker 2: We're so lucky in so many ways. You know, we

936
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 2: talk a lot, but the hardships, there's so much joy

937
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,319
Speaker 2: that we have, and you know, leaning into joy in

938
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:47,319
Speaker 2: our children and then just say the silliest things all

939
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:49,359
Speaker 2: the time, like our little babies. She's all into one minute.

940
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:51,759
Speaker 2: Everything is like she's like, negotiating with you doesn't even

941
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:55,080
Speaker 2: make sense. She's like a want more. She can't say see,

942
00:51:55,080 --> 00:51:58,120
Speaker 2: so she says to like calmness Tarman. So she says

943
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:01,440
Speaker 2: a lot more tape for for Kate. And I'm like, no,

944
00:52:01,560 --> 00:52:04,280
Speaker 2: you just had And she's like, no, just one minute,

945
00:52:04,560 --> 00:52:06,680
Speaker 2: just one minute, like want more, cat one minute? And

946
00:52:06,719 --> 00:52:09,680
Speaker 2: like something's so simple like that that every parent probably

947
00:52:09,719 --> 00:52:11,719
Speaker 2: can relate to the kids just says something. You think

948
00:52:11,719 --> 00:52:14,080
Speaker 2: it's the funniest in the world because you're watching them develop.

949
00:52:14,400 --> 00:52:16,360
Speaker 2: That's the small things that I think we need to

950
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:21,719
Speaker 2: lean into. Then we'll teach us to, you know, to

951
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:24,359
Speaker 2: see the things that really matter in life.

952
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:29,160
Speaker 1: It is it's the it's the simple things, the small things,

953
00:52:29,239 --> 00:52:33,360
Speaker 1: the simple joys. And I think it's easy to let that,

954
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:37,640
Speaker 1: no matter what circumstance you're in, kind of get out

955
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:41,439
Speaker 1: of control because you feel like you're always and even

956
00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:47,000
Speaker 1: not meaning to compare yourself to what others have or

957
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:51,319
Speaker 1: do or act, and it's just it's a constant thing.

958
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:54,840
Speaker 1: Do you do you think you guys will have more children?

959
00:52:55,200 --> 00:52:58,680
Speaker 2: Oh, Alex really wants more kids? Like really really?

960
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:02,440
Speaker 1: And I have you frozen your eggs? I wish I

961
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:04,120
Speaker 1: had frozen my eggs.

962
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:06,839
Speaker 2: Dead my eggs. We well, we did. We have one

963
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:10,520
Speaker 2: surrogate baby, right, So I tried iv A one time.

964
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:13,640
Speaker 2: It went not in the way that I wanted to,

965
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:15,399
Speaker 2: where everything seemed like it was going to be fine,

966
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:17,160
Speaker 2: and then I lasted maybe like four or five months,

967
00:53:17,719 --> 00:53:20,799
Speaker 2: which was not was not a fun experience obviously, and

968
00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:25,480
Speaker 2: one that is all too common. And so I I

969
00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:28,680
Speaker 2: got pregnant naturally like I did with you know, my

970
00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:31,600
Speaker 2: other ones. And I don't know if the right terminology,

971
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:33,160
Speaker 2: if I'm saying the right terminology, I don't want to

972
00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:36,719
Speaker 2: offend anyone because I know it is such an emotional subject,

973
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:39,360
Speaker 2: So forgive me if I'm using the wrong terminology. And

974
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:46,320
Speaker 2: then I my I was like, I can't put another,

975
00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:50,720
Speaker 2: this other embryo inside because I feel like my body

976
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:54,120
Speaker 2: rejected that process. I don't know why. In the look,

977
00:53:54,239 --> 00:53:57,080
Speaker 2: I mean, that's probably a completely irrational thing. There was

978
00:53:57,120 --> 00:54:00,560
Speaker 2: no explanation to what had happened, but I was so

979
00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:02,000
Speaker 2: sure at the time. I was like, I can't. So

980
00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:05,960
Speaker 2: I did serge at the same time that I was pregnant.

981
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:08,680
Speaker 2: And so that was my experience with the whole the

982
00:54:08,960 --> 00:54:11,719
Speaker 2: free the freezing of it. So and I love it.

983
00:54:11,760 --> 00:54:14,480
Speaker 2: We have you know, that's Edwin rylu. We called them

984
00:54:14,480 --> 00:54:16,520
Speaker 2: the did this. They're like five, They called themselves. They

985
00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:17,879
Speaker 2: called each other, did they when they were a little?

986
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:20,120
Speaker 2: And they account like then they're not Wins. It's just

987
00:54:20,120 --> 00:54:23,880
Speaker 2: like a little but they it's such a beautiful thing

988
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:27,480
Speaker 2: because they're so connected. But I don't know if I

989
00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:33,040
Speaker 2: if I have more kids, I feel like, hold were

990
00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:33,719
Speaker 2: you when you were your.

991
00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:35,600
Speaker 1: Last forty four?

992
00:54:36,840 --> 00:54:39,239
Speaker 2: So let's see. It just turned and they.

993
00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:42,080
Speaker 1: Say that it's a five percent chance of conceiving naturally

994
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:45,560
Speaker 1: at that point. But I can't imagine my life without him.

995
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:48,080
Speaker 2: Well I wasn't. I'm never goo in math anyway, So.

996
00:54:48,120 --> 00:54:52,040
Speaker 1: Like you, so if it's meant to be.

997
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:55,200
Speaker 2: If it's meant to be, yeah, well we'll we'll see

998
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:58,880
Speaker 2: Alec very much. I think he's it's always been a

999
00:54:58,880 --> 00:55:01,239
Speaker 2: beautiful thing when we've had another kid, and I think

1000
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:04,640
Speaker 2: that that's something that he leans into when he's thinking

1001
00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:07,120
Speaker 2: about how to create more joy in his life, is

1002
00:55:07,160 --> 00:55:10,640
Speaker 2: that they bring us such joy and there's just so magical.

1003
00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:13,440
Speaker 2: But we'll see. I'm tired, right.

1004
00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:17,600
Speaker 1: Well, I guess it depends do you like even numbers

1005
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:19,839
Speaker 1: or odd numbers? Because you have an odd number right now.

1006
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:21,360
Speaker 2: We have an odd number.

1007
00:55:21,440 --> 00:55:24,280
Speaker 1: But that always did it for me. I was like five,

1008
00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:27,200
Speaker 1: Oh my god, exactly right. And if I had one

1009
00:55:27,239 --> 00:55:30,840
Speaker 1: more girl, i'd have a Brady bunch. If I had six, well, I.

1010
00:55:30,800 --> 00:55:34,960
Speaker 2: Also have Ireland's my stepdaughter, so i'm a little I'm

1011
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,279
Speaker 2: eleven years older than her. So it's also like a

1012
00:55:37,320 --> 00:55:40,719
Speaker 2: super fun relationship. And I'm kind of a grandma too

1013
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:45,080
Speaker 2: because Ireland has a eight me now, so it's you know,

1014
00:55:45,160 --> 00:55:47,000
Speaker 2: it's a it's a pretty wild bunch we all have.

1015
00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:52,480
Speaker 1: It's so fun, it's so beautiful. I love you, and

1016
00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:54,560
Speaker 1: I know I don't even know you really would like

1017
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:57,520
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, it's like I've always felt so connected

1018
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:04,560
Speaker 1: to you, and I I'm sorry honestly for what people

1019
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:06,680
Speaker 1: say and what they're going to continue to say, because

1020
00:56:07,000 --> 00:56:10,440
Speaker 1: it's not going to get easier in that respect. It

1021
00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:13,279
Speaker 1: just is the life you live. And you didn't sign

1022
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:15,759
Speaker 1: up for this part. Alut didn't sign up for this part,

1023
00:56:16,640 --> 00:56:20,320
Speaker 1: and it's a really unfortunate thing. And thank you, and

1024
00:56:20,360 --> 00:56:23,040
Speaker 1: I feel and it's so beautiful how you're getting through it.

1025
00:56:23,360 --> 00:56:25,279
Speaker 2: No, thank you the same and the same for you.

1026
00:56:25,320 --> 00:56:27,560
Speaker 2: I know it's very painful. But one of the most

1027
00:56:27,560 --> 00:56:29,799
Speaker 2: important things I always have to remember is there are

1028
00:56:29,800 --> 00:56:33,560
Speaker 2: more good people saying positive things then people say that

1029
00:56:33,560 --> 00:56:37,959
Speaker 2: there are. It's really really true. Just it's the under

1030
00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:39,880
Speaker 2: Alec taught me this. He's you know when Carmen and

1031
00:56:39,960 --> 00:56:43,560
Speaker 2: somebody said something to Carmen one time or another kid, and

1032
00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:46,799
Speaker 2: he said, this is natural that you try to make

1033
00:56:46,920 --> 00:56:49,640
Speaker 2: sense that of something that doesn't make sense, and you spiral,

1034
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:51,319
Speaker 2: and you spiral and you spial, and this is why

1035
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:54,880
Speaker 2: negativity gets so much attention. You're trying to figure out,

1036
00:56:54,960 --> 00:56:57,560
Speaker 2: especially if you're an empathetic person like you are. You know,

1037
00:56:57,640 --> 00:57:00,640
Speaker 2: you you want to be like, why can we just

1038
00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:03,440
Speaker 2: be friends like this? Could just be good. Yeah, and

1039
00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:06,200
Speaker 2: so I think, no matter how much when we acknowledge

1040
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:09,480
Speaker 2: the negativity, it's so important to then say, Okay, I

1041
00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:12,520
Speaker 2: know this is hard and it sucks, but look at

1042
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:15,360
Speaker 2: all these great things over there, and then you hyper

1043
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:20,960
Speaker 2: focused benefit of ata, hyper focused towards the positivity, and

1044
00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:23,560
Speaker 2: then you're just like you know what, you go over there,

1045
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:24,800
Speaker 2: go over there.

1046
00:57:26,560 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 1: And I feel like people like us with good energy,

1047
00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:36,000
Speaker 1: positive people, positive positivity seekers and doers, I feel like

1048
00:57:36,800 --> 00:57:38,920
Speaker 1: we do win in the end. Look, I hesitated. I

1049
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:42,040
Speaker 1: wanted to come through strong with that one for you,

1050
00:57:42,080 --> 00:57:44,360
Speaker 1: But you know I have moments where I'm like, did

1051
00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:47,400
Speaker 1: the good guys ever win? Like? You know, we're good people,

1052
00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:52,280
Speaker 1: you know, in a heightened situation that because people don't

1053
00:57:52,360 --> 00:57:56,600
Speaker 1: find it relatable that they feel that they can do that.

1054
00:57:56,760 --> 00:57:59,440
Speaker 1: So but we're good people will come through it. Are

1055
00:57:59,440 --> 00:58:01,720
Speaker 1: you going to get any more Bengals from Bengals Embrace?

1056
00:58:02,360 --> 00:58:02,600
Speaker 1: You know?

1057
00:58:02,680 --> 00:58:03,480
Speaker 2: I have four?

1058
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:07,680
Speaker 1: I know She's like, I know I relate to Alec

1059
00:58:07,760 --> 00:58:11,640
Speaker 1: because I'm deeply allergic to cats and we got two

1060
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,040
Speaker 1: because of you for them.

1061
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:17,600
Speaker 2: No, they are the best. I would love the bad cat,

1062
00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:21,200
Speaker 2: all the cats, all the dogs, all the kids, all

1063
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:23,520
Speaker 2: the horses. I just want all of them all the time.

1064
00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:27,520
Speaker 2: But I feel like i'm always because I got two dogs.

1065
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:29,520
Speaker 2: I didn't tell Alex. Actually didn't tell him about any

1066
00:58:29,520 --> 00:58:30,240
Speaker 2: of the cats either.

1067
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:33,040
Speaker 1: They're just a right like I used to do that

1068
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:36,680
Speaker 1: with Dean. He'd like, but you didn't ask me about this,

1069
00:58:36,800 --> 00:58:37,160
Speaker 1: and I'm.

1070
00:58:37,160 --> 00:58:41,000
Speaker 2: Like, it's cute, and he loves them, even the cats,

1071
00:58:41,360 --> 00:58:45,439
Speaker 2: even I could tell yes, No, it's it's a very

1072
00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:47,560
Speaker 2: it's I know he's gonna be mad at me for

1073
00:58:47,600 --> 00:58:50,760
Speaker 2: like maybe thirty months, illid thirty minutes. He's very angry,

1074
00:58:50,760 --> 00:58:53,760
Speaker 2: and then he's like and then he's fine. I mean,

1075
00:58:53,800 --> 00:58:59,440
Speaker 2: his excelly. Kim had like so many animals. She's so wonderful.

1076
00:58:59,520 --> 00:59:03,000
Speaker 2: She's always, you know, rescuing dogs and she's done such

1077
00:59:03,080 --> 00:59:06,480
Speaker 2: incredible things. And I'm like, well she has eleven and

1078
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:11,960
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't have eleven yet, so yet, yes,

1079
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:12,680
Speaker 2: oh my gosh.

1080
00:59:12,720 --> 00:59:14,720
Speaker 1: Well, I hope to hug you in person one day.

1081
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:15,320
Speaker 1: I really do.

1082
00:59:15,960 --> 00:59:19,280
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me on. You're very kind and

1083
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:23,640
Speaker 2: very inspiring and I'm so grateful to to talk with you.

1084
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:27,200
Speaker 1: Back at you. Well, next time I'm in New York,

1085
00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:30,480
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna come see you and pick up

1086
00:59:30,480 --> 00:59:31,880
Speaker 1: another bangle, probably another.

1087
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:33,160
Speaker 2: We'll go see James together.

1088
00:59:33,840 --> 00:59:38,400
Speaker 1: Perfect. Oh you would love that. Okay, thank you, my friend.

1089
00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:41,160
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. This was really fun. Thank you you,

1090
00:59:41,200 --> 00:59:41,280
Speaker 2: and

1091
00:59:41,320 --> 00:59:43,320
Speaker 1: Tell Aleci I will by