Speaker 1: Personally with Fuelsman. This episode is very important because we're
Speaker 1: discussing a topic that is not openly discussed enough abuse,
Speaker 1: domestic violence, and everything in between. I know this topic
Speaker 1: is hard to hear about, but it's even harder for
Speaker 1: those who've experienced it. I have some personal experience with
Speaker 1: this topic, and it was time that I shared some
Speaker 1: more about it in hopes I can bring some more
Speaker 1: awareness and help others understand some behaviors better. First, I
Speaker 1: have on Kyla Steele sharing her story and why she's
Speaker 1: now a post abuse recovery expert, and then I'll share
Speaker 1: an audio journal entry of my first hand account on
Speaker 1: this topic and why it's so important an episode like
Speaker 1: this exists. This is a very important episode for me personally,
Speaker 1: but also because I found somebody on social media who
Speaker 1: shares a lot of similarities in an experience I've had
Speaker 1: in my life. Her name's Kyla Steele, and she's a
Speaker 1: post abuse recovery expert. But more importantly, she's also somebody
Speaker 1: who has been through an abusive relationship as have I.
Speaker 1: So I'm I don't want to say excited to have
Speaker 1: you on, but I'm really looking forward for us to
Speaker 1: talk Hi Kyla, how are you.
Speaker 2: I'm so good. Thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1: And it feels weird when I say that. It's not
Speaker 1: that I'm not excited to talk with you, but it's
Speaker 1: a difficult topic that excited doesn't feel like the right
Speaker 1: word to use.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree, Yeah.
Speaker 1: But I am really happy that you were willing to
Speaker 1: share your story. And as I've mentioned in moments of
Speaker 1: my time working on the radio show that I do
Speaker 1: and doing this podcast, people have heard kind of bits
Speaker 1: and pieces, but I felt it was time. It's been
Speaker 1: about eight years for me now, and I think it's
Speaker 1: really time for me to share a lot more in
Speaker 1: depth of my story and the experiences I had. And
Speaker 1: finding your content on social media also showed that that's
Speaker 1: something that you do. So I would love to hear
Speaker 1: how you got into this line of work and your
Speaker 1: story and why it brought you to where you are now.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, it definitely is not like a linear journey
Speaker 2: at all.
Speaker 1: It never is. That's okay, never is.
Speaker 2: But it's crazy because it is like this full circle moment. Ultimately,
Speaker 2: when I had left my abusive relationship, it was a
Speaker 2: seven year long relationship I was I met him when
Speaker 2: I was eighteen, and I left when I was twenty five,
Speaker 2: and so when I had left, there was not a
Speaker 2: lot awareness around abuse or emotional abuse or cycle pose
Speaker 2: like a lot of women do. I went to a
Speaker 2: walk in doctor because I'm like, I'm so incredibly depressed.
Speaker 2: I need someone to validate me and like, just give
Speaker 2: me some direction and where to go. And it's funny
Speaker 2: because this one doctor and I actually didn't even take
Speaker 2: it seriously at the time, but he asked me, and no,
Speaker 2: no doctor has ever done this, but he asked me
Speaker 2: these three questions and he was like, I told him
Speaker 2: everything about my relationship and then he was like, okay,
Speaker 2: so let me ask you this, like how do you
Speaker 2: want to feel in the future. And I was like,
Speaker 2: I want to be happy. That's why I'm here. That's
Speaker 2: why i'm here. I'm miserable. He's like okay, He's like, well,
Speaker 2: what is something that you're really passionate about. Well, I
Speaker 2: really want to help people, and I want to see
Speaker 2: more of the world. I want to travel the world.
Speaker 2: He was like, okay, and what's a big life goal
Speaker 2: of yours? And I was like, oh, I want to
Speaker 2: have a hobby farm. And I want to raise a
Speaker 2: family like out in the country and build my dream house.
Speaker 2: That's what you need to do right now, Kyla. You
Speaker 2: need to find your passion that involves helping people where
Speaker 2: you can travel around the world and bring in enough
Speaker 2: income to build that dream house with your family and
Speaker 2: have a farm. And I was like, okay, Like I
Speaker 2: don't understand how this is going to help me. I'm
Speaker 2: like heartbroken right now. And so a couple of years
Speaker 2: go by, I'm still grieving the relationship. I'm still very
Speaker 2: much like heavily in this victim mentality, dating the same
Speaker 2: types of men. And I was in school and criminology.
Speaker 2: I was pursuing to become a police officer and it
Speaker 2: didn't feel aligned to me. I was not excited about it.
Speaker 2: And just one day I was like, oh, like, this
Speaker 2: cannot be it for me. I'm not excited about it.
Speaker 2: What can I do? And I always had this like
Speaker 2: entrepreneurial mindset, but it was never something that was like
Speaker 2: the norm, and so I thought I had to work
Speaker 2: this nine to five. And so it's funny because a
Speaker 2: couple of years later, I like circled back to what
Speaker 2: that doctor had said to me, and so I was
Speaker 2: just writing in my notebook, Okay, how can I make
Speaker 2: a career out of this? And during that time, I
Speaker 2: was listening to a podcast. I don't know if you've
Speaker 2: heard of him, but it's Rob Dial the Mindset mentor Yes,
Speaker 2: and he started talking about whatever painful situation you've been through,
Speaker 2: like you can help so many people, and just talking
Speaker 2: about life coaching, and I'm like, okay, this is something
Speaker 2: that I can do. And then from there on, I
Speaker 2: like just made the decision I'm going to do this.
Speaker 2: I had no idea what I was doing, and so
Speaker 2: I just started speaking about my story and yeah, here
Speaker 2: we are a couple of years later.
Speaker 1: Okay, so I want to get into a few parts
Speaker 1: of this. When you say, doctor, did you just go
Speaker 1: to a regular doctor? Are you talking to a therapist?
Speaker 2: No? I didn't even have any money for a therapist.
Speaker 2: This was strictly a walk in doctor.
Speaker 1: Wow, okay, really cool doctor, because not often is that
Speaker 1: what happens?
Speaker 2: I know. And a couple prior to that wanted to
Speaker 2: put me on antidepressants and I was like, I really
Speaker 2: want to try to heal this the natural way, and
Speaker 2: so I never went that route. And yeah, he honestly,
Speaker 2: he's amazing.
Speaker 1: And then also you had mentioned your relationship was several
Speaker 1: years long. If I had to guess that was not
Speaker 1: a consistent several years.
Speaker 2: Long, No, no, it was not.
Speaker 1: Okay, walk me through your relationship a little bit, and
Speaker 1: I don't want to say abuse you endured, but your
Speaker 1: experience is with abuse in this particular relationship.
Speaker 2: I met him when I was eighteen, and at that
Speaker 2: age I was going through a lot. I was partying
Speaker 2: a lot, hanging out with a bad crowd. My parents
Speaker 2: were in this spot where they were maybe going to separate,
Speaker 2: maybe divorce, and that was really hard on me. I
Speaker 2: got kicked out of the house for using drugs, and
Speaker 2: so I was living with not very good people. And
Speaker 2: so I was a very baroken girl when I met him,
Speaker 2: very low self esteem. I had other little high school
Speaker 2: relationships where I was the first boyfriend I ever had.
Speaker 2: He cheated on me. So I had met my ex
Speaker 2: during that time after that relationship where I got cheated
Speaker 2: on in high school. At the beginning, he was like
Speaker 2: my knight in Charming or Shining Armor. He would drop
Speaker 2: flowers off at my house and he'd walk me home
Speaker 2: and like in the pouring rain, send me these notes.
Speaker 2: He was just everything that I wanted. But it was
Speaker 2: always like a little bit rocky, like we were abusing
Speaker 2: alcohol and partying a lot, and so there would be
Speaker 2: a lot of fights, and there was always almost like
Speaker 2: every other month. I was always like, I can't do this,
Speaker 2: I can't do this. No, this isn't going to work.
Speaker 2: And he always knew how to charm me back into
Speaker 2: the relationship, and so as soon as I graduated high school,
Speaker 2: we ended up living together. And so once we started
Speaker 2: living together, that's when the emotional and verbal abuse started
Speaker 2: to get a little bit worse. And it would just
Speaker 2: be him like leaving the house for days like abandonment,
Speaker 2: but then coming back in and acting as if nothing happened.
Speaker 2: And by that time, you're already so deep into the
Speaker 2: trauma bond, which is this like emotional dependency, and so
Speaker 2: leaving became so much harder. And at that time, the
Speaker 2: good times outweighed the bad. But then as the years
Speaker 2: went on and he had way more control over me,
Speaker 2: it then turned into like way more bad times, and
Speaker 2: then the bad times would get a lot worse. So
Speaker 2: a lot of manipulation, a lot of lying, infidelity, like
Speaker 2: destroying the house, property damage, things like that. So yeah,
Speaker 2: it got over time, it just kept getting worse and worse.
Speaker 2: And I had left at one point, I had left
Speaker 2: for eight months. And I don't think a lot of
Speaker 2: women know this, but just because you leave the relationship
Speaker 2: doesn't mean you're not trauma bonded to them anymore. I
Speaker 2: still had so many codependency wounds that I wasn't dealing with,
Speaker 2: and so eight months later I was still just as
Speaker 2: heartbroken and so dependent on him that I went back
Speaker 2: for another two years.
Speaker 1: Everything that you're saying I unfortunately relate to, and I
Speaker 1: also unfortunately know a lot of people can relate to.
Speaker 1: It's more common than we know because oftentimes with abusive relationships,
Speaker 1: what happens behind closed doors is never what's happening out
Speaker 1: in the world. It only happens within the home. And
Speaker 1: so it's really easy, especially much like it sounded yours was,
Speaker 1: when they're super charming and there seem like this great
Speaker 1: person and they're out in the world and everybody loves them. Heck,
Speaker 1: my family loved him at one point when I was
Speaker 1: dating him, And yeah, you know that experience, But you're
Speaker 1: the one who's experiencing different things behind closed doors. But
Speaker 1: it gives you a very interesting dynamic where you are
Speaker 1: questioning everything all the time because nothing seems real because
Speaker 1: one moment you have this person, the next you have
Speaker 1: a different person. So everything you're saying, I can totally relate.
Speaker 1: And we're gonna break a few of these down in
Speaker 1: different directions. Okay, Yeah, something you had mentioned was how
Speaker 1: it was good moments and there was bad and he'd
Speaker 1: pull you back in. I think a lot of times
Speaker 1: when I talk about my abusive relationship, people will be like, well,
Speaker 1: why didn't you just leave? Why didn't you just get
Speaker 1: out of it? Why didn't you just stop? And you're
Speaker 1: talking about the trauma bond. The trauma bond is so important,
Speaker 1: and it's so important when it comes to relationships like this.
Speaker 1: This is the only time that this phrase actually is
Speaker 1: and should be used. There are not trauma bonds and
Speaker 1: other scenarios. This is what it is meant to be
Speaker 1: used for is abusive relationships. And it's so unique and
Speaker 1: you feel so connected to this person. So talk me
Speaker 1: through for you from the experience of why didn't you
Speaker 1: just leave? Why why didn't you just one day say stop?
Speaker 1: Tell me that experience for you, because I also can
Speaker 1: attest that it was never as easy as why don't
Speaker 1: you just leave?
Speaker 2: No? And never so for me, I felt this like
Speaker 2: great responsibility to help him, Like I because when you
Speaker 2: see them being so loving and being so funny in
Speaker 2: all these amazing qualities, you're like, yes, you can be
Speaker 2: like this, you can be so much better. Like you're
Speaker 2: only acting this way because you're hurt and broken person,
Speaker 2: and that is true, but it makes it so it
Speaker 2: almost makes it like it's your responsibility, Like you just
Speaker 2: you feel like you love this person so much that
Speaker 2: you just you don't want to abandon them, and you
Speaker 2: and I think, like for me, it's like women that
Speaker 2: get into these types of relationships are extremely empathetic, good hearted,
Speaker 2: beautiful women, and they really just have these wounds of
Speaker 2: just being wanted and loved, and so it's like if
Speaker 2: they put their purpose into changing this person, then they're
Speaker 2: feeling fulfilled inside, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Yep, very much. So it was where I started to
Speaker 1: really hate that I had a big heart. He was
Speaker 1: the beginning of that experience for me. M And I'm
Speaker 1: sure you can attest to that you start to hate
Speaker 1: that you're empathetic. You hate that you want have this
Speaker 1: desire to help people. You hate that somebody has used
Speaker 1: that against you because now you don't want to use
Speaker 1: it anymore. They take that power away from you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they do. Yeah, And it's hard because when
Speaker 2: you're in those relationships, you really give it your all,
Speaker 2: and then when you leave, you're like, I can never
Speaker 2: do this again, and I don't think I'll ever want
Speaker 2: to do this again, and so it's really unfortunate and
Speaker 2: soul crushing because you know, it's like they took your
Speaker 2: innocence away, right, and you have so much love to give,
Speaker 2: and when they just when you almost tell yourself that
Speaker 2: you can never do that again, it's really unfortunate because
Speaker 2: the right man really does deserve that from you.
Speaker 1: Something I experienced often was a constant push and pull.
Speaker 1: I felt like we would be connected and then something
Speaker 1: would happen and then we'd be back to this very
Speaker 1: toxic going at each other all the time. Because there
Speaker 1: was a part of me that was always fighting. There
Speaker 1: was a part of me that always wanted to stick
Speaker 1: up for myself and always understand that I shouldn't take this.
Speaker 1: But when you mentioned that trauma bond. I don't think
Speaker 1: people understand what happens in a trauma bond. You feel
Speaker 1: so connected to this person that even when they are
Speaker 1: hurting you, you feel like they still love you. And
Speaker 1: can you imagine a more complicated experience than having that.
Speaker 1: So did you have that same experience with that trauma bond?
Speaker 2: Oh, one hundred percent. And I think that's why women
Speaker 2: have such a hard time with believing that they're abusive,
Speaker 2: and they make uses for that because it's like, no,
Speaker 2: I know, he would never intentionally do this to hurt me.
Speaker 2: And I think that is the hardest part out of
Speaker 2: it all, is accepting that they never loved you, And
Speaker 2: that makes one feel very crazy because you're in this
Speaker 2: completely twisted, distorted reality that's I have in reality. That's
Speaker 2: the hardest part about it. For me, at least, there.
Speaker 1: Was a moment for me. I want to say it
Speaker 1: took three years after this relationship ended for me to
Speaker 1: finally come to terms with the fact that I was
Speaker 1: in an abusive relationship. I don't think I could accept
Speaker 1: for a really long time that had happened to me.
Speaker 1: Did you ever experience that? Do you experience that a
Speaker 1: lot with your clients? Where there's just this moment of
Speaker 1: it finally clicks, but most of the time it takes
Speaker 1: a really long time for that to happen.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's interesting because I actually just had a coaching
Speaker 2: call with one of my clients and she was offered
Speaker 2: a domestic violence worker for this mediation, and she had
Speaker 2: expressed that she wasn't sure if she needed one or
Speaker 2: wanted one, And it's so hard for me to accept
Speaker 2: that I need one, and I think for a lot
Speaker 2: of women, it's because when you're in that relationship, your
Speaker 2: brain is rewired to believe that you're overreacting, that you're crazy,
Speaker 2: that you're the toxic one. And so imagine all those years,
Speaker 2: however long you've been in that relationship and someone telling
Speaker 2: you that that is going to affect your brain. And
Speaker 2: so it's almost like this little voice in your head
Speaker 2: sometimes when I put out even content on my social
Speaker 2: media and I tell a story, like sometimes I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: I like, I hear him in my head being like
Speaker 2: that's not true, that didn't happen, Like you're overexaggerating. And
Speaker 2: so I think it just all comes with that little
Speaker 2: voice in your head with what they have been conditioning
Speaker 2: you to believe.
Speaker 1: Well, and you mentioned that kind of control they have
Speaker 1: over your mind. When I was in this, there was
Speaker 1: moments where it would be really bad and I will
Speaker 1: have ended it. I say I'm done, leave me alone,
Speaker 1: and he would show up to my work with flowers,
Speaker 1: he would follow me when I was out in public,
Speaker 1: he would just show up on my doorstep. He would
Speaker 1: threaten suicide. He did so many things that made me
Speaker 1: feel like I did not have control, even though I
Speaker 1: did in a way, but there was like this survival
Speaker 1: in me that existed where I felt I had to
Speaker 1: accept it because it was more important for me to
Speaker 1: survive those scenarios than to tell him no. And that's
Speaker 1: a really hard thing to come to terms with when
Speaker 1: you look back. There's a lot of shame associated with
Speaker 1: that that you feel like you couldn't put your foot
Speaker 1: down when really you didn't have control in the first place.
Speaker 1: Because imagine somebody's really threatening your life and who you
Speaker 1: are and your safety as a human being, and you're
Speaker 1: just supposed to say no, I'm going to walk away,
Speaker 1: please leave me alone. But this is someone who notoriously
Speaker 1: does not listen, So that experience is also part of this,
Speaker 1: and I know you had mentioned something like this in
Speaker 1: your content and social media, like where they find this
Speaker 1: way to pull you back in. Can you give some
Speaker 1: examples of what you've seen you heard some of mine,
Speaker 1: but maybe for other people, because I think it's really
Speaker 1: easy to mistake some of those things as love and
Speaker 1: as somebody really wanting you when it isn't.
Speaker 2: I think a big one is like the jealousy or
Speaker 2: the control. So them saying, oh I reacted that way
Speaker 2: at the bar because I really care about you and
Speaker 2: I want you to be safe kind of thing. I
Speaker 2: think honestly, all the ones that you just said, my
Speaker 2: ex did as well, and those are all big ones.
Speaker 2: They call that hoovering, the stalking, and yeah, I think
Speaker 2: that's a way for them to maintain control and to
Speaker 2: always see where you're at. And again, like you said,
Speaker 2: threatening suicide, my ex as well did that. I love
Speaker 2: you so much that if you don't stay with me,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna die again. That's just all control. So I
Speaker 2: think the ones that you sat are all from what
Speaker 2: I've heard, are all the big ones.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really tough, and it's I feel like in
Speaker 1: a lot of scenarios we've really been taught to sometimes
Speaker 1: accept the bare minimum because I don't know if you
Speaker 1: ever had this experience for your relationship, But for me,
Speaker 1: I really wanted to make things work. I was told
Speaker 1: that once you're in it with somebody, you figure it
Speaker 1: out and you work through things together. But what I
Speaker 1: was failing to realize in this relationship, because I had
Speaker 1: zero experience with abuse, was that I was the only
Speaker 1: one that actually wanted to make something work. I was
Speaker 1: the only one who was fighting for something that didn't
Speaker 1: really exist. Do you have some experience with that too, yes?
Speaker 2: And I think it's so interesting because you see movies
Speaker 2: and it's almost like that type of like intense fighting
Speaker 2: and then leaving and not coming back for months, and
Speaker 2: then then all of a sudden showing up on your
Speaker 2: doorstep with flowers and a huge apology and all these
Speaker 2: grand gestures. Like I know, for me, that was normalized, right,
Speaker 2: Fights are normal, we say things we don't mean. It
Speaker 2: was just so normalized for me. I don't think I
Speaker 2: ever growing up had a positive role model of what
Speaker 2: a relationship should be like. So I don't know if
Speaker 2: that's the same for you. If you ever had you know,
Speaker 2: someone you looked up to with like a healthy love.
Speaker 1: I did, my parents did. But I think from my experience,
Speaker 1: this is so hard because I just thought because I
Speaker 1: hadn't had a lot of good experiences before in relationships,
Speaker 1: I had much to your point, I had been cheated
Speaker 1: on in every relationship I have up until my most
Speaker 1: recent one, like this has gone through my entire life.
Speaker 1: And because I had never had good experiences in relationships before,
Speaker 1: I almost thought, well, this is someone who really loves
Speaker 1: me so much that they're really willing to go through it.
Speaker 1: It's twisted my mind in a way. He twisted my mind.
Speaker 1: But then I added to it because I couldn't understand
Speaker 1: that's not what a relationship looked like. Because I had
Speaker 1: been cheated on. I was like, well, this is somebody
Speaker 1: who's who really loves me that they're gonna they're gonna
Speaker 1: fight for me, and they might fight me, but they're
Speaker 1: gonna fight for me. And that just felt weird. That
Speaker 1: was such an unusual experience for me, and to have
Speaker 1: that experience for the first time, I was so ill
Speaker 1: equipped to handle it. My body didn't know what to do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it is. It's almost like some deep down
Speaker 2: subconsciously for me. I think because I was always surrounded
Speaker 2: by chaos, toxic friendships, even toxic relationships up until being
Speaker 2: fifteen and having my first boyfriend, and so I think
Speaker 2: deep down I thrived in chaos and I was always
Speaker 2: in survival mode. And so because I had never experienced
Speaker 2: calm or peace, that was weird to me, and so
Speaker 2: I associated chaos and fights with passion and love. And
Speaker 2: looking back, I can see why I wanted to go
Speaker 2: into play because I said, well, I really want to
Speaker 2: help people, but I also need something that's going to
Speaker 2: keep me on my toes. And I think once I
Speaker 2: finally found that piece regulated my nervous system and healed
Speaker 2: all these wounds, I was like, oh no, Like I
Speaker 2: do not thrive in this situation anymore.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I think a big part of it, too, is
Speaker 2: like subconsciously we associate chaos with passion and love.
Speaker 1: And to your point, I think so many movies and
Speaker 1: TV shows have also taught us that, so we are
Speaker 1: what we see out into the world. For you, did
Speaker 1: you experience after this relationship, and maybe you haven't gotten
Speaker 1: to this point yet, but dating and finding healthy relationships, now,
Speaker 1: what's that experience been like for you?
Speaker 2: Yes? Oh, gosh. So I was actually in a year
Speaker 2: and a half very healthy relationship for the first time. Unfortunately,
Speaker 2: we parted ways last October, but it was my first
Speaker 2: healthy relationship and it was hard, but I was self
Speaker 2: aware enough to be like, Okay, Kayla, you can work
Speaker 2: through these things now, and it Honestly, I guess I
Speaker 2: can fully say now that I'm a cycle breaker, and
Speaker 2: I broke the cycle because yeah, I have experienced a
Speaker 2: healthy relationship and it is a breath of fresh air.
Speaker 2: I never thought I would be a be into a
Speaker 2: healthy relationship. I always thought it would be boring, and
Speaker 2: that's just simply not true. It's not true.
Speaker 1: It's a mind trick that we definitely play on ourselves,
Speaker 1: for sure. When you were having that first healthy relationship
Speaker 1: in the beginning, was there a lot of moments of
Speaker 1: PTSD where you wanted to create chaos because you didn't
Speaker 1: know how to handle non chaos.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, I wanted to self sabotage the shit
Speaker 2: out of that relationship. Oh there's a tiny little problem here.
Speaker 2: Let's blow this out of proportion so I can leave
Speaker 2: because I'm extremely uncomfortable right now.
Speaker 1: And it is, and to your credit, it at least
Speaker 1: sounds like you found someone who is willing to be
Speaker 1: a safe space and work through those things for you.
Speaker 1: And I think that's really an important part of post
Speaker 1: abusive relationship dating, where you have to truly be able
Speaker 1: to find someone who is a safe space and who
Speaker 1: isn't gonna take advantage of that side of you because
Speaker 1: it is would you ever when you were dating and
Speaker 1: probably dating again now and this is a part of
Speaker 1: your story, It's a part of who you are. So
Speaker 1: when you talk about this stuff dating and you're like, Okay, crap,
Speaker 1: we're getting to the part where I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: be vulnerable and I'm gonna have to share that this
Speaker 1: is a part of who I am. What is that
Speaker 1: like for you when that starts to happen.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. And because I'm so like public on social
Speaker 2: media too, if anyone else me for like my Instagram,
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, let's wait on it a little bit.
Speaker 2: I'd rather tell you things in person. But I think
Speaker 2: before I would always lead with my past going into relationships,
Speaker 2: and I think I still was very much in that
Speaker 2: like victim mentality and also subconsciously still looking for the
Speaker 2: same types of men because I was still so like
Speaker 2: my holy identity revolved around this man, and so I
Speaker 2: think that's why I kept repeating those relationships. But now
Speaker 2: I'm trying to really not lead with that because that's
Speaker 2: just a part of my chapter. It's not who I am,
Speaker 2: and so it's not something that I would open up
Speaker 2: about right away, but definitely in the future. Like if
Speaker 2: I'm comfortable with the person, then I'd be comfortable opening
Speaker 2: up about it, And if they were more curious about it,
Speaker 2: like I'm an open book and if that scares them,
Speaker 2: then cool. If not, then that's my person. Oh great.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I think I see a lot of women
Speaker 2: because I did this too, and I know a lot
Speaker 2: of other women do this, is they'll lead with their past.
Speaker 2: I have trust issues because of this, and I have
Speaker 2: a hard time opening up because of this. And you
Speaker 2: can't go into it like that, you really can't. You
Speaker 2: have to heal those parts of you. And I always say,
Speaker 2: it's not that you don't trust other people, it's that
Speaker 2: you lack trust within yourself, because you ultimately, last time
Speaker 2: you got into a relationship, you made the wrong decision.
Speaker 2: And so if you really want to gain control and
Speaker 2: power back over your life, you have to take responsibility
Speaker 2: for those things and heal those things. Although abuse is
Speaker 2: never your fault, you have to understand what brought you
Speaker 2: into that relationship mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And to your point, healing that trust with yourself is
Speaker 1: one of the hardest things to do. I still struggle
Speaker 1: with that and still make my little dark humor jokes
Speaker 1: from like I have trusted Sheeley don't do that, and
Speaker 1: I just don't because I panic and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: know what this means, but I don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about it right now, you know what I mean? Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I think that's very real. That's a really real
Speaker 1: part of the post side of this that gets lost
Speaker 1: in the mix because so much of it is recovering
Speaker 1: and a lot of PTSD and a lot of trauma
Speaker 1: that you're getting rid of. That that trust with yourself
Speaker 1: rebuilding is not easy to trust that you're going to
Speaker 1: make the right decisions. Again, I don't know how many
Speaker 1: times I sat in a therapist's office and I said
Speaker 1: I don't think this is the right call and they're like, well, why,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't know. I just don't believe it.
Speaker 1: I don't believe anything anymore. I don't trust that any
Speaker 1: of this is going to work out. I don't trust
Speaker 1: that anybody's going to have my back. I don't trust
Speaker 1: that I'm going to make the right call. There was
Speaker 1: so much in trust, and when you said that, it
Speaker 1: was like it triggered another thing in me. I was like, Oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's still deep down in there somewhere it's lingers.
Speaker 2: Yeah, per yeah. And I think ultimately building trust within
Speaker 2: yourself is just becoming so crystal clear on who you are.
Speaker 2: Because if you know what your morals are and you
Speaker 2: know what your values are and you're living life in
Speaker 2: alignment to those, then making decisions for yourself is going
Speaker 2: to become a thousand times easier.
Speaker 1: Will you also elaborate on the victim mentality because that
Speaker 1: was an experience I had to where I really had
Speaker 1: to get out of this victim mentality.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Same here. It's something so obviously traumatic that happens
Speaker 2: to you, and it's so easy to put your whole
Speaker 2: identity in that. And I think that just comes with
Speaker 2: you not wanting to let go of something and it's
Speaker 2: so powerful, Like the words that you say are so powerful,
Speaker 2: and there has to be I think where the shift
Speaker 2: happens is you have to realize, okay, this, yes, this
Speaker 2: happened to me. But once you shift it to like, okay,
Speaker 2: how was this happening for me? And what can I
Speaker 2: do to become better from this? That's when you can
Speaker 2: shift out of it. But it's so much easier. I
Speaker 2: guess it's not easier, but sometimes it can feel easier
Speaker 2: to just sit in that pain because changing is hard, right.
Speaker 2: Acknowledging your mistakes as a human being is hard. It
Speaker 2: hurts your ego a little bit, and so sometimes it
Speaker 2: just is more comfortable to just sit in that.
Speaker 1: Do you ever get clients that come to you and
Speaker 1: they're like, I think I'm in this, but I don't know. Oh, yes,
Speaker 1: What do you tell them when they come to you
Speaker 1: and they're in this position? Because I do think a
Speaker 1: lot of people will often hear my story. I'm sure
Speaker 1: they see yours and they're like, gosh, that sounds really familiar.
Speaker 1: But that couldn't be me. That's not me. There's no
Speaker 1: way that's what my relationship is. So when they come
Speaker 1: to you and they say, I think this is happening
Speaker 1: to me, what are you doing with them to help
Speaker 1: them see what's actually happening or how are you helping
Speaker 1: them work through that potential experience.
Speaker 2: I think just first of all, validating their experience, and
Speaker 2: I know a lot of women just want to be
Speaker 2: validated and heard and understood, and ultimately, if you're questioning it,
Speaker 2: it's a pretty good indicator that something is going on.
Speaker 2: It's so tricky because abuse is not like one size
Speaker 2: fits all. We get into this like comparing like spiraling loop,
Speaker 2: and we then will go and analyze like the nurse
Speaker 2: and look up all these like traits of a narcissist
Speaker 2: and all these things, and at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: if they are making you anxious and you're not feeling safe,
Speaker 2: I think a lot of women know that something's not right,
Speaker 2: but accepting it more so is like the hard part,
Speaker 2: right because then they know that they have to leave,
Speaker 2: and so they're like justifying the behavior so they don't
Speaker 2: they don't want to leave.
Speaker 1: Well, leaving a normal relationship is hard. You don't want
Speaker 1: to end something you're comfortable with. Your point change is hard.
Speaker 1: So then you add on the layers of well, this
Speaker 1: is tumultuous, or it's toxic, or it's abusive, and you
Speaker 1: just threw fifteen extra layers onto what that leaving procedure
Speaker 1: is probably going to look like. And to your point,
Speaker 1: it isn't a one size fits all, But I love
Speaker 1: what you said that if you feel like something is wrong,
Speaker 1: that's your sign. If you're already questioning it, that's all
Speaker 1: really you need to know, because truly, and I, for
Speaker 1: my personal experience, like I, it took me recognizing it
Speaker 1: and leaving at vastly different timelines. Me realizing when it
Speaker 1: was happening to me versus when I finally was able
Speaker 1: to leave and feel safe, to get out and make
Speaker 1: my very land and executed exit was a very long
Speaker 1: time in between. And I think that happens for most people.
Speaker 1: And unfortunately there is a even much harder side of
Speaker 1: this where it doesn't have a good ending. And that's
Speaker 1: also my hope in bringing you on and talking about this,
Speaker 1: even though it is so hard, is I don't want
Speaker 1: that ending for everyone. And you said it like, you
Speaker 1: should feel safe, you should feel happy in a relationship,
Speaker 1: you should feel good, and if you weren't feeling those things,
Speaker 1: this is beyond having an argument and a disagreement about life.
Speaker 1: This is not being able to exist with another person
Speaker 1: without feeling anxiety all the time, Like I would sleep
Speaker 1: next to my ex and I would be terrified. There
Speaker 1: were nights I would not sleep because I did not
Speaker 1: know what was coming. And I know that that's a
Speaker 1: similar experience for a lot of people abuse, because you
Speaker 1: just you don't know what you're going to sleep next to.
Speaker 1: You don't know what you're waking up next to, you
Speaker 1: don't know what that next day is going to bring.
Speaker 1: And I think your advice was so great for that though,
Speaker 1: because it as much as it's not a one size
Speaker 1: fits all, that very intuition, gut feeling is so important.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you said it right there. Awareness is not
Speaker 2: enough to leave. Like I was a criminology student, this
Speaker 2: is where I learned about all these narcissistic personality disorders
Speaker 2: because we actually have to diagnose criminals. And I'm like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, my boyfriend is like that. My boyfriend
Speaker 2: does that, And I started calling him out on all
Speaker 2: the you're being manipulative, your gaslighting. These terms weren't a thing,
Speaker 2: and that's how I learned them. But again, I knew
Speaker 2: he was doing this to me, and it wasn't enough
Speaker 2: to leave. And ultimately, you need to have, like I
Speaker 2: treat it like an addiction. And so every person who
Speaker 2: has a drinking problem, they all have that pivotal moment,
Speaker 2: that breaking point. They all remember that story, like the
Speaker 2: defining moment where they're like, I've had enough, I'm done.
Speaker 2: I remember mine, and you're at some point you have
Speaker 2: to reach that like pivotal defining moment for yourself. And
Speaker 2: it all depends on your pain tolerance. It all depends
Speaker 2: on what is going on inside of you and your body, right,
Speaker 2: and we all have different levels of pain and what
Speaker 2: our threshold is. And so obviously I never wanted to
Speaker 2: get to that point. But that's why it's so hard
Speaker 2: for me, Like I won't coach with and if they're
Speaker 2: still in the abuse of relationship just because I know
Speaker 2: no one can tell you when to leave. You have
Speaker 2: to have that defining moment for yourself.
Speaker 1: That's so true. It is because you could have everybody
Speaker 1: screaming at you from the rooftops that this is the
Speaker 1: worst thing, but until you feel it, much like addiction,
Speaker 1: that's also a great way of comparing it. You have
Speaker 1: to decide that for yourself. You have to have the
Speaker 1: strength to walk away, because if you don't, you will
Speaker 1: go back. You will find yourself in this situation again,
Speaker 1: and strength is so important at the end, I wanted
Speaker 1: to ask you. I saw on your social media pages
Speaker 1: that you had said you won't label yourself as a
Speaker 1: survivor of abuse. We share why and that kind of
Speaker 1: reasoning for you.
Speaker 2: I don't want it to become my whole identity. This
Speaker 2: is something that I had lived through operience, and it
Speaker 2: was a big chapter in my life, but I ultimately
Speaker 2: have my control and my power back, and I don't
Speaker 2: want to see myself as a survivor anymore. I'm now thriving,
Speaker 2: So I don't like it because I know, I just
Speaker 2: know what it can do to your mind and how
Speaker 2: it can affect life decisions. I feel like if I
Speaker 2: still refer to myself as a victim and a survivor,
Speaker 2: then I feel like I would have less control over
Speaker 2: my future and the relationships that I choose, because at
Speaker 2: the end of the day, we actually do get to
Speaker 2: decide what relationships we get to be in.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I love that I had seen that, and I
Speaker 1: wanted to hear it from your words because I feel
Speaker 1: the same way. And it's like the stages of grief,
Speaker 1: but the stages of abuse a little bit where when
Speaker 1: I came out of it, I was in denial that
Speaker 1: it ever happened to me. Then I came to terms
Speaker 1: with and I was like, okay, I am a survivor.
Speaker 1: And then you come out of that and you're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's now just part of my story. It's very much
Speaker 1: stages that you experience. But gosh, I wish everybody could
Speaker 1: get to that the place that you're in now quicker.
Speaker 1: And that's so hard because you're coming from someone who
Speaker 1: spent three years working on herself after my experience where
Speaker 1: I was like, don't touch me, don't talk to me.
Speaker 1: I don't I have things to figure out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, one hundred percent. That's my goals. Just help as
Speaker 2: many women as possible. You don't have to struggle this long,
Speaker 2: like I've made all the mistakes for you, guys, I
Speaker 2: promise you, like I will guide you the right way,
Speaker 2: like you don't have to. You don't have to struggle
Speaker 2: in silence.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I love what you're doing and I'm really glad
Speaker 1: you came on and shared parts of your story. And
Speaker 1: is there anything you would like to leave us on,
Speaker 1: anything we didn't touch on or talk about, or maybe
Speaker 1: some words of wisdom. However you want to leave us,
Speaker 1: I'm leaving this floor to you.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, almost what here?
Speaker 1: I just have to make sure if there's anything else
Speaker 1: that I didn't touch on that you feel so important,
Speaker 1: I want this to be the space for that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess. I just want to let women know
Speaker 2: if you think that you will never find love or
Speaker 2: you'll never love someone like that again, Like that, I
Speaker 2: from someone who was crying to her mom saying I
Speaker 2: will never love someone like that again. I promise you
Speaker 2: you will, and it will be the best kind of love,
Speaker 2: and that love will be with yourself first before anything.
Speaker 2: And so anyone who is in their fields right now
Speaker 2: about that this is coming from someone who felt that,
Speaker 2: and just know that is just simply not true at all.
Speaker 2: You'll get through it.
Speaker 1: The perfect way to end us on I echo that statement.
Speaker 1: That's beautiful and thank you for sharing again, thanks for talking.
Speaker 2: With me, Thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1: This week felt appropriate for me to do another audio
Speaker 1: journal entry where I shared a piece of my story
Speaker 1: with you guys. This episode was really important to me
Speaker 1: to do because I have personal experience with an abusive
Speaker 1: relationship and I'm not coming on here to share this
Speaker 1: story for sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me.
Speaker 1: I share it because I think using our voices in
Speaker 1: platforms to share stories like this is what matters. And
Speaker 1: just like everybody else, I'm human and I want to
Speaker 1: feel connected to I want other people to hear this
Speaker 1: story and say, hey, I had this too, and this
Speaker 1: is my experience because I don't want to feel alone
Speaker 1: in it, and I know if I feel that way,
Speaker 1: then other people feel that way. So I share these
Speaker 1: journal entries in hopes that it allows us to feel
Speaker 1: connected when maybe you hear something that I've went through
Speaker 1: and it makes you feel seen. In my early twenties,
Speaker 1: I was in a couple year long abusive relationship and
Speaker 1: you heard me talk to Kayla about this a little
Speaker 1: bit where it took me about three years after that
Speaker 1: relationship to come to terms with the fact that I
Speaker 1: was in an abusive relationship. I had never had any
Speaker 1: experience with anything like that. My parents are still together.
Speaker 1: I had never been technically in an abusive physically relationship before.
Speaker 1: But my past relationships didn't look that great either when
Speaker 1: I looked back on them after this relationship was said
Speaker 1: and done. My history before my abusive relationship. I had
Speaker 1: three serious relationships, and every single one they cheated on me.
Speaker 1: One of them was a little bit more on the
Speaker 1: controlling side, and they all had things that would resemble
Speaker 1: a chaotic, not safe relationship for somebody, but none of
Speaker 1: them were abusive. So I didn't quite understand what was
Speaker 1: happening to me when I found myself in an abuse relationship.
Speaker 1: Now I'm not going to detail from start to finish
Speaker 1: this entire thing. I'm just going to share some pieces
Speaker 1: and moments that happened that allowed me to understand and
Speaker 1: eventually leave and do better for myself. So at the
Speaker 1: beginning of this relationship, when it first started, he was charming.
Speaker 1: He was handsome. Everybody loved him, my family, my friends.
Speaker 1: He did everything right. He wooed me, swept me off
Speaker 1: my feet, he was romantic, He did everything that a
Speaker 1: girl would want a partner to do, and so I
Speaker 1: fell for him quickly. He made me feel safe in
Speaker 1: the beginning, he made me feel seen, and what I
Speaker 1: realized was it was him shaping me, understanding me in
Speaker 1: every way that he could, so one day he could
Speaker 1: use all of that against me. And that was just
Speaker 1: the beginning. As our relationship continued is when the emotional
Speaker 1: abuse started. The control and he had a problem with alcohol,
Speaker 1: so that played it to this in a much larger picture.
Speaker 1: But it was often fights, and he was often very
Speaker 1: emotionally verbally abusive and would say a lot of aggressive
Speaker 1: things to me or common on things that I'm wearing
Speaker 1: or want to approve of the things that I would
Speaker 1: post on social media. He would not like half the
Speaker 1: things we'd talk about. On my main job on the
Speaker 1: Bobby Bone Show. I'd come home almost two three times
Speaker 1: a week to a fight. He heard something, saw something,
Speaker 1: and he didn't like it. There was no trust. It
Speaker 1: was like he wanted everything to always be wrong, which
Speaker 1: was a drastic change from the person that I had
Speaker 1: first started dating, and so it really threw me. I
Speaker 1: didn't understand what was happening. This was a completely different
Speaker 1: human being, and as I do an EmPATH often does,
Speaker 1: I wanted to fix things. I wanted to make this
Speaker 1: relationship work, also because I often felt like with all
Speaker 1: of my failed relationships that I played such significant role.
Speaker 1: Why was I the one always being cheated on? What
Speaker 1: were all of these things having to do with me?
Speaker 1: Why was that happening? It had to be a meat problem,
Speaker 1: and so when he had first started doing this, I
Speaker 1: recall feeling just very vulnerable and like it was my fault,
Speaker 1: even though looking back now I absolutely know that it
Speaker 1: was not. I couldn't come to terms with that. That
Speaker 1: was another thing that took me a while to understand
Speaker 1: that this wasn't my fault. That while I was in
Speaker 1: the relationship and I had things to work on because
Speaker 1: of that, me being a victim of abuse was not
Speaker 1: my fault. I can recall the moment when it first
Speaker 1: started getting physically abusive. He shoved me into the shower
Speaker 1: and I kind of thought to myself, Oh, well that's
Speaker 1: that's not horrible. We just, you know, got an altercation.
Speaker 1: And then a few days later he was acting very
Speaker 1: aggressive towards my dog, Remy. And anybody who knows me
Speaker 1: no is that my dog Remy is my lifeline. She
Speaker 1: is my everything. So do see him act that way
Speaker 1: towards her brought out a different side of me. I
Speaker 1: started becoming very angry back with him. I wasn't docile,
Speaker 1: I wasn't blaming myself. I was mad, and him doing
Speaker 1: that in that moment was the start of the downturn
Speaker 1: for us, because then I also remember moments in our relationship.
Speaker 1: One time we were headed to a dinner and I
Speaker 1: really wanted to pull over to save this dog that
Speaker 1: I saw running and dodging traffic, and he was like, no,
Speaker 1: we have places to be. You can't do this. It's
Speaker 1: not allowed. And I was like not allowed, Like this
Speaker 1: is who I am? What do you mean not allowed?
Speaker 1: And he was like, you have to keep driving? And
Speaker 1: I something that I wish I didn't do was continue driving.
Speaker 1: I wish I would have pulled over and tried to
Speaker 1: save that dog and did what identified for me, but
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I was at this moment in survival mode.
Speaker 1: I was just doing whatever I could to keep the peace,
Speaker 1: and him doing that was another ticker that allowed me
Speaker 1: to see things and start opening my eyes and understand
Speaker 1: what was happening. There's another time we were driving on
Speaker 1: one of the bridges here in Nashville and there was
Speaker 1: a water bottle in the car and he got upset.
Speaker 1: To me, I have no idea what that reason was,
Speaker 1: but he got upset and he opened the water bottle
Speaker 1: and splashed it all over me, and of course I
Speaker 1: was incredibly upset because to my knowledge, I can't remember
Speaker 1: what I did wrong that had upset him in this moment.
Speaker 1: And then he all let me get out of the car. Mind,
Speaker 1: you were on a bridge walking. It's midnight at this point,
Speaker 1: and I got out of the car because I remember
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be anywhere near him in that moment,
Speaker 1: and so I was kind of happy that he was
Speaker 1: kicking me out of the car. But I didn't have
Speaker 1: any keys with me. I didn't have my own car.
Speaker 1: How was I going to get home? I had my phone,
Speaker 1: I could call an uber, but it was midnight and
Speaker 1: I'm alone in a dark area of town and I'm
Speaker 1: walking on this bridge and he's just driving next to me,
Speaker 1: brading me, angry at me, and that moment sticks out
Speaker 1: in my brain as well. In our relationship, it was
Speaker 1: another tick. It was another thing that was going wrong.
Speaker 1: And at this point you could listen and say, well,
Speaker 1: both of those things happened at that point. Why didn't
Speaker 1: you leave the relationship? That's always a question people who
Speaker 1: are in abusive relationships get why didn't you leave sooner?
Speaker 1: And he was so good, so manipulative, and so good
Speaker 1: at controlling and gaslighting every scenario that he always made
Speaker 1: me feel like it was my fault. Every time would
Speaker 1: get in a fight, it was my fault. Those things
Speaker 1: would happen, and he would twist the story in my
Speaker 1: head and think that I did something wrong, and I
Speaker 1: would take it and my brain couldn't compute what was happening.
Speaker 1: I couldn't understand what was true, what was reality. He
Speaker 1: was warping it. And so every time we'd get in
Speaker 1: these fights, he'd come back, he'd bring flowers, he'd gosh,
Speaker 1: there's so many times he did these grand, romantic gestures
Speaker 1: after one of these things happened, and I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is normal. I didn't know that it wasn't normal. Again,
Speaker 1: I'd never experienced this before. I have no idea what's happening.
Speaker 1: It didn't feel right and I didn't feel safe, but
Speaker 1: I couldn't understand, and there was so much shame in
Speaker 1: it that I didn't talk to anybody about it. I
Speaker 1: didn't want to tell anybody that this was happening to me.
Speaker 1: I was a shamed that I was in this. Anybody
Speaker 1: who knows me know that I'm also incredibly driven, and
Speaker 1: so to me, it was a problem. To fix. It
Speaker 1: was something that I had to push forward and make
Speaker 1: better because I was playing a role in this. After
Speaker 1: that moment happened and a lot of apologies, it kept
Speaker 1: progressing past that, and I'll save all the gosh details
Speaker 1: of a lot of those incidentss These are the ones
Speaker 1: that I can remember. There's a lot of things that
Speaker 1: I blocked out. There's a lot of things that I
Speaker 1: still can't quite recall, and I'm not sure the true
Speaker 1: story on they were bad. One of the moments and
Speaker 1: the end that I really recall was when he took
Speaker 1: away my keys in my phone after an argument and
Speaker 1: was trapping me inside my apartment. He was trying not
Speaker 1: to let me leave. At the end, I was really
Speaker 1: most afraid for Remy, my dog. And I know that
Speaker 1: sounds crazy to think, well, she's not safe, why wouldn't
Speaker 1: she care about her life? But I was in survival
Speaker 1: mode for her, and honestly I didn't have Remy. I
Speaker 1: don't know if I would have survived in a lot
Speaker 1: of ways, because Remy was my motivation for getting out.
Speaker 1: Seeing her and now she was being treated allowed me
Speaker 1: to see it from a bigger picture and get out
Speaker 1: for her. And so when we were arguing and he
Speaker 1: took away my phone and my keys, and he was
Speaker 1: trying to trap me in my apartment. I had Remy
Speaker 1: in my arms, which Remmy's a twenty pounds dog, so
Speaker 1: it's kind of heavy, but I'm holding her, and I'm
Speaker 1: waiting for a moment, any moment that I have to
Speaker 1: just get out of the apartment. I didn't have shoes on,
Speaker 1: I did't have keys, I didn't have a phone. I
Speaker 1: didn't care. I just wanted to get out. And when
Speaker 1: I got out, I didn't even yell for help. And
Speaker 1: I wish I could tell you why. I wish I
Speaker 1: could look back on that and be like, why didn't
Speaker 1: you just go to a door and ask somebody for help?
Speaker 1: But in my brain, I was already planning my exit
Speaker 1: and calling for help and calling the police just felt
Speaker 1: like a lot of things I wasn't ready to handle.
Speaker 1: So when I saw my out of the apartment in
Speaker 1: this moment, I ran outside of the apartment complex and
Speaker 1: Roomy and I hid in the bushes for two hours,
Speaker 1: just hoping that he would calm down and stop looking
Speaker 1: for us. I remember him yelling in the parking lot
Speaker 1: trying to find us, and I didn't really know what
Speaker 1: was going to happen, and eventually he did calm down,
Speaker 1: and I remember that night I tried to ask him
Speaker 1: to leave. I told him I didn't want him around.
Speaker 1: This happened a lot. There's a lot of times I
Speaker 1: tried to ask him to leave or give me space,
Speaker 1: and he never would. So there was a lot of
Speaker 1: sleepless nights. There was a lot of nights that I
Speaker 1: slept next to somebody, afraid of what was to come.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if you've ever had to do that,
Speaker 1: but gosh, I'll take any sleepless night now over that.
Speaker 1: A feeling of not knowing what's to come, that was
Speaker 1: close to the end that moment that night. He braided
Speaker 1: me really badly when I finally came back, because I
Speaker 1: didn't have anywhere to go, and I had support systems.
Speaker 1: I had wonderful family and friends, but none of them
Speaker 1: knew any of this was going on. And that's what
Speaker 1: they do to you. They keep you trapped, They keep
Speaker 1: you isolated from everybody that you love. They don't want
Speaker 1: you to spend time with them because you and them
Speaker 1: should only be spending time together and together with other people.
Speaker 1: So not only had I not told anybody, but again.
Speaker 1: I also felt so much shame that I had found
Speaker 1: myself in this situation. But the night that it finally ended,
Speaker 1: then had I finally left. I'll never forget it because
Speaker 1: my boss Bobby was competing and dancing with the Stars
Speaker 1: and it was the championship night and we had gotten
Speaker 1: into a My ex and I had gotten into a
Speaker 1: huge fight over something that was talked about on the show.
Speaker 1: I think it was comparing the guys who's the hottest
Speaker 1: on our show, and he was so mad that I
Speaker 1: participated in that, and I just remember finally being like,
Speaker 1: I'm done. I don't care what you say. I don't care.
Speaker 1: None of this is reality. I had finally gotten the
Speaker 1: glasses to come off, the trauma bond to break. I
Speaker 1: had finally broken, and Remy was worth every ounce of
Speaker 1: fighting for for me. And so that night when we
Speaker 1: got into that fight, I got really lucky because he
Speaker 1: had a game to go play with some friends. And
Speaker 1: when he was away at his game, I packed up
Speaker 1: everything in my apartment that I could in a big suitcase,
Speaker 1: and thankfully we were right around Thanksgiving break. So I
Speaker 1: call the girlfriend, and this girlfriend saved my life. I
Speaker 1: called her without hesitation, she welcomed to me and Remy
Speaker 1: in to stay the night until I could get on
Speaker 1: a flight the next morning and head home. And I
Speaker 1: will never be able to repay that French for what
Speaker 1: she did for me. That was a really hard night,
Speaker 1: because he called and he would contemplate suicide and he'd
Speaker 1: send pictures. I got a picture of him putting a
Speaker 1: belt on my ceiling fan, saying he was going to
Speaker 1: commit suicide if I didn't come home or I didn't
Speaker 1: call him back. And that friend helped me hold strong
Speaker 1: and say you can't do this, made me turn off
Speaker 1: my phone, and she kept me safe. She made sure
Speaker 1: I ate, And then that next morning, I mean, I
Speaker 1: flew home. I told my parents everything, and I asked
Speaker 1: them to keep Remy from me so I could get out,
Speaker 1: because I knew that if Remy was safe, then I
Speaker 1: could start to focus on me and find my exit,
Speaker 1: and I did. After that week break, I came back,
Speaker 1: and there was lots of arguming and lots of scary moments,
Speaker 1: and a lot of things that I had to do
Speaker 1: to get him out what I did, And there's some
Speaker 1: regret on my side that I never filed for protection
Speaker 1: against him or charged him, because I never would want
Speaker 1: him to do that to anybody else. But I also
Speaker 1: know what our system looks like when it comes to
Speaker 1: domestic violence, and I also know that I was still
Speaker 1: in a lot of shame and really still dealing with
Speaker 1: everything that I had just experienced. And the following weeks,
Speaker 1: as I ended that relationship and forced no contact and
Speaker 1: changed locks and did everything that I possibly could. I mean,
Speaker 1: he was still following me. I'd be out with friends,
Speaker 1: trying to get my mind off things, and he would
Speaker 1: follow me home from a bar and he'd be racing
Speaker 1: his car next to mine. Very erratic, very terrifying. He
Speaker 1: keeped my car. He was peeking into the windows of
Speaker 1: my house to see if I was home or if
Speaker 1: somebody was there with me. And finally, you know, I
Speaker 1: call his parents and was like, you have to get
Speaker 1: him to stop or I will file against him. So
Speaker 1: that's what you guys would like me to do. I can't.
Speaker 1: And that was the only way I knew how to
Speaker 1: get him to stop, because somewhere or another, he still
Speaker 1: had a relationship with his family and they did get
Speaker 1: him to stop. Eventually. I haven't spoken to this man
Speaker 1: since I left. Part of why I bought my house.
Speaker 1: What I did was for safety. It was a new
Speaker 1: place to live where he hopefully couldn't find me. It
Speaker 1: had this is why I have Fort Knox here, and
Speaker 1: I made friends with my neighbors. People knew what he
Speaker 1: looked like, so I had community again and I had
Speaker 1: my whole support a system back after being isolated. And
Speaker 1: then after that relationship, it took me a really long
Speaker 1: time to heal and it's not a relationship that I
Speaker 1: wished for anybody to ever be a man or a woman.
Speaker 1: And there's even still a lot of pain sharing this
Speaker 1: story today, because there's still shame, there's still sadness. But
Speaker 1: I have healed and learned so much about who I am,
Speaker 1: and if anything, I want this journal entry to be
Speaker 1: a hopeful reminder for people who may find themselves in
Speaker 1: these situations that there is a way out, that you
Speaker 1: should get out, you will be okay again, that you
Speaker 1: can be safe, that going to bed every night afraid
Speaker 1: and in survival mode is not normal and not okay.
Speaker 1: That's my only hope for sharing all of this is
Speaker 1: that maybe somebody leaves. And I don't think in my
Speaker 1: entire life this will ever be a story I can
Speaker 1: share without getting emotional. It's just going to be part
Speaker 1: of that and it will be part of my story,
Speaker 1: but one that I feel like needs to be heard.
Speaker 1: My voice needs to be heard because I don't want
Speaker 1: anybody to stay in a relationship that is like this.
Speaker 1: I want people to be safely and securely loved and
Speaker 1: cared for because we all deserve that. And I know
Speaker 1: that there's going to be some people who have a
Speaker 1: lot to say that I share the story, and that's okay.
Speaker 1: I also know there's a lot of people that are
Speaker 1: not going to understand why I share the story, and
Speaker 1: that's okay too. But for the people that need to
Speaker 1: hear it, I hope it finds you. I also want
Speaker 1: to make something very clear, there is nothing verbal, emotional,
Speaker 1: or physical abuse that is ever okay in any relationship, friendship, family, relationship.
Speaker 1: You should always deserve the right to be respected and
Speaker 1: listen to and understood and dealt with compassion. So if
Speaker 1: you ever find yourself in these situations and you don't
Speaker 1: feel like you have support, I hope you reach out
Speaker 1: to me. I'd rather you feel like you have someone
Speaker 1: than no one, because I miss you. You two and
Speaker 1: there is always a way to get through this, and
Speaker 1: there's a way to get out, and I want that
Speaker 1: for anybody who is dealing with this, has dealt with this.
Speaker 1: I'm also the person who can proudly say here that
Speaker 1: I am healed. It's also why looking for love is
Speaker 1: so hard for me, because I truly am looking for
Speaker 1: the right, safe, secure partner and that is honestly hard
Speaker 1: to find. It's going to take a special person to
Speaker 1: trust my heart with, and I've had good experiences recently
Speaker 1: because of the work that I've done on myself, because
Speaker 1: of the time, attention, and care I put into healing
Speaker 1: after this relationship. But there will always be a scar
Speaker 1: and it will always exist. The best part about scars, though,
Speaker 1: is they tell a story, and that's my story. Thanks
Speaker 1: for listening to it. Thanks for listening to this episode.
Speaker 1: If nothing else, I hope it brought awareness and I
Speaker 1: hope you are able to be kind to yourself and
Speaker 1: make sure you always surround yourself with people who are
Speaker 1: kind to you. Thanks for being here.