WEBVTT - Ep. 34; Kyla Steele Talks Abusive Relationships & How to Heal Yourself Post-Abuse

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<v Speaker 1>Personally with Fuelsman. This episode is very important because we're

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<v Speaker 1>discussing a topic that is not openly discussed enough abuse,

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<v Speaker 1>domestic violence, and everything in between. I know this topic

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<v Speaker 1>is hard to hear about, but it's even harder for

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<v Speaker 1>those who've experienced it. I have some personal experience with

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<v Speaker 1>this topic, and it was time that I shared some

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<v Speaker 1>more about it in hopes I can bring some more

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<v Speaker 1>awareness and help others understand some behaviors better. First, I

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<v Speaker 1>have on Kyla Steele sharing her story and why she's

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<v Speaker 1>now a post abuse recovery expert, and then I'll share

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<v Speaker 1>an audio journal entry of my first hand account on

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<v Speaker 1>this topic and why it's so important an episode like

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<v Speaker 1>this exists. This is a very important episode for me personally,

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<v Speaker 1>but also because I found somebody on social media who

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<v Speaker 1>shares a lot of similarities in an experience I've had

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<v Speaker 1>in my life. Her name's Kyla Steele, and she's a

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<v Speaker 1>post abuse recovery expert. But more importantly, she's also somebody

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<v Speaker 1>who has been through an abusive relationship as have I.

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<v Speaker 1>So I'm I don't want to say excited to have

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<v Speaker 1>you on, but I'm really looking forward for us to

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<v Speaker 1>talk Hi Kyla, how are you.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm so good. Thank you so much for having me on.

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<v Speaker 1>And it feels weird when I say that. It's not

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<v Speaker 1>that I'm not excited to talk with you, but it's

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<v Speaker 1>a difficult topic that excited doesn't feel like the right

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<v Speaker 1>word to use.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I agree, Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>But I am really happy that you were willing to

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<v Speaker 1>share your story. And as I've mentioned in moments of

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<v Speaker 1>my time working on the radio show that I do

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<v Speaker 1>and doing this podcast, people have heard kind of bits

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<v Speaker 1>and pieces, but I felt it was time. It's been

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<v Speaker 1>about eight years for me now, and I think it's

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<v Speaker 1>really time for me to share a lot more in

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<v Speaker 1>depth of my story and the experiences I had. And

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<v Speaker 1>finding your content on social media also showed that that's

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<v Speaker 1>something that you do. So I would love to hear

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<v Speaker 1>how you got into this line of work and your

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<v Speaker 1>story and why it brought you to where you are now.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Well, it definitely is not like a linear journey

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<v Speaker 2>at all.

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<v Speaker 1>It never is. That's okay, never is.

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<v Speaker 2>But it's crazy because it is like this full circle moment. Ultimately,

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<v Speaker 2>when I had left my abusive relationship, it was a

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<v Speaker 2>seven year long relationship I was I met him when

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<v Speaker 2>I was eighteen, and I left when I was twenty five,

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<v Speaker 2>and so when I had left, there was not a

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<v Speaker 2>lot awareness around abuse or emotional abuse or cycle pose

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<v Speaker 2>like a lot of women do. I went to a

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<v Speaker 2>walk in doctor because I'm like, I'm so incredibly depressed.

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<v Speaker 2>I need someone to validate me and like, just give

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<v Speaker 2>me some direction and where to go. And it's funny

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<v Speaker 2>because this one doctor and I actually didn't even take

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<v Speaker 2>it seriously at the time, but he asked me, and no,

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<v Speaker 2>no doctor has ever done this, but he asked me

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<v Speaker 2>these three questions and he was like, I told him

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<v Speaker 2>everything about my relationship and then he was like, okay,

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<v Speaker 2>so let me ask you this, like how do you

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<v Speaker 2>want to feel in the future. And I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>I want to be happy. That's why I'm here. That's

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<v Speaker 2>why i'm here. I'm miserable. He's like okay, He's like, well,

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<v Speaker 2>what is something that you're really passionate about. Well, I

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<v Speaker 2>really want to help people, and I want to see

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<v Speaker 2>more of the world. I want to travel the world.

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<v Speaker 2>He was like, okay, and what's a big life goal

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<v Speaker 2>of yours? And I was like, oh, I want to

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<v Speaker 2>have a hobby farm. And I want to raise a

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<v Speaker 2>family like out in the country and build my dream house.

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<v Speaker 2>That's what you need to do right now, Kyla. You

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<v Speaker 2>need to find your passion that involves helping people where

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<v Speaker 2>you can travel around the world and bring in enough

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<v Speaker 2>income to build that dream house with your family and

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<v Speaker 2>have a farm. And I was like, okay, Like I

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<v Speaker 2>don't understand how this is going to help me. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>like heartbroken right now. And so a couple of years

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<v Speaker 2>go by, I'm still grieving the relationship. I'm still very

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<v Speaker 2>much like heavily in this victim mentality, dating the same

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<v Speaker 2>types of men. And I was in school and criminology.

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<v Speaker 2>I was pursuing to become a police officer and it

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<v Speaker 2>didn't feel aligned to me. I was not excited about it.

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<v Speaker 2>And just one day I was like, oh, like, this

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<v Speaker 2>cannot be it for me. I'm not excited about it.

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<v Speaker 2>What can I do? And I always had this like

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<v Speaker 2>entrepreneurial mindset, but it was never something that was like

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<v Speaker 2>the norm, and so I thought I had to work

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<v Speaker 2>this nine to five. And so it's funny because a

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<v Speaker 2>couple of years later, I like circled back to what

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<v Speaker 2>that doctor had said to me, and so I was

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<v Speaker 2>just writing in my notebook, Okay, how can I make

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<v Speaker 2>a career out of this? And during that time, I

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<v Speaker 2>was listening to a podcast. I don't know if you've

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<v Speaker 2>heard of him, but it's Rob Dial the Mindset mentor Yes,

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<v Speaker 2>and he started talking about whatever painful situation you've been through,

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<v Speaker 2>like you can help so many people, and just talking

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<v Speaker 2>about life coaching, and I'm like, okay, this is something

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<v Speaker 2>that I can do. And then from there on, I

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<v Speaker 2>like just made the decision I'm going to do this.

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<v Speaker 2>I had no idea what I was doing, and so

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<v Speaker 2>I just started speaking about my story and yeah, here

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<v Speaker 2>we are a couple of years later.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, so I want to get into a few parts

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<v Speaker 1>of this. When you say, doctor, did you just go

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<v Speaker 1>to a regular doctor? Are you talking to a therapist?

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<v Speaker 2>No? I didn't even have any money for a therapist.

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<v Speaker 2>This was strictly a walk in doctor.

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<v Speaker 1>Wow, okay, really cool doctor, because not often is that

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<v Speaker 1>what happens?

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<v Speaker 2>I know. And a couple prior to that wanted to

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<v Speaker 2>put me on antidepressants and I was like, I really

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<v Speaker 2>want to try to heal this the natural way, and

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<v Speaker 2>so I never went that route. And yeah, he honestly,

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<v Speaker 2>he's amazing.

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<v Speaker 1>And then also you had mentioned your relationship was several

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<v Speaker 1>years long. If I had to guess that was not

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<v Speaker 1>a consistent several years.

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<v Speaker 2>Long, No, no, it was not.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, walk me through your relationship a little bit, and

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to say abuse you endured, but your

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<v Speaker 1>experience is with abuse in this particular relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>I met him when I was eighteen, and at that

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<v Speaker 2>age I was going through a lot. I was partying

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<v Speaker 2>a lot, hanging out with a bad crowd. My parents

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<v Speaker 2>were in this spot where they were maybe going to separate,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe divorce, and that was really hard on me. I

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<v Speaker 2>got kicked out of the house for using drugs, and

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<v Speaker 2>so I was living with not very good people. And

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<v Speaker 2>so I was a very baroken girl when I met him,

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<v Speaker 2>very low self esteem. I had other little high school

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<v Speaker 2>relationships where I was the first boyfriend I ever had.

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<v Speaker 2>He cheated on me. So I had met my ex

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<v Speaker 2>during that time after that relationship where I got cheated

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<v Speaker 2>on in high school. At the beginning, he was like

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<v Speaker 2>my knight in Charming or Shining Armor. He would drop

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<v Speaker 2>flowers off at my house and he'd walk me home

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<v Speaker 2>and like in the pouring rain, send me these notes.

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<v Speaker 2>He was just everything that I wanted. But it was

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<v Speaker 2>always like a little bit rocky, like we were abusing

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<v Speaker 2>alcohol and partying a lot, and so there would be

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of fights, and there was always almost like

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<v Speaker 2>every other month. I was always like, I can't do this,

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<v Speaker 2>I can't do this. No, this isn't going to work.

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<v Speaker 2>And he always knew how to charm me back into

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<v Speaker 2>the relationship, and so as soon as I graduated high school,

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<v Speaker 2>we ended up living together. And so once we started

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<v Speaker 2>living together, that's when the emotional and verbal abuse started

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<v Speaker 2>to get a little bit worse. And it would just

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<v Speaker 2>be him like leaving the house for days like abandonment,

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<v Speaker 2>but then coming back in and acting as if nothing happened.

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<v Speaker 2>And by that time, you're already so deep into the

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<v Speaker 2>trauma bond, which is this like emotional dependency, and so

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<v Speaker 2>leaving became so much harder. And at that time, the

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<v Speaker 2>good times outweighed the bad. But then as the years

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<v Speaker 2>went on and he had way more control over me,

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<v Speaker 2>it then turned into like way more bad times, and

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<v Speaker 2>then the bad times would get a lot worse. So

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of manipulation, a lot of lying, infidelity, like

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<v Speaker 2>destroying the house, property damage, things like that. So yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>it got over time, it just kept getting worse and worse.

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<v Speaker 2>And I had left at one point, I had left

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<v Speaker 2>for eight months. And I don't think a lot of

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<v Speaker 2>women know this, but just because you leave the relationship

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<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean you're not trauma bonded to them anymore. I

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<v Speaker 2>still had so many codependency wounds that I wasn't dealing with,

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<v Speaker 2>and so eight months later I was still just as

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<v Speaker 2>heartbroken and so dependent on him that I went back

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<v Speaker 2>for another two years.

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<v Speaker 1>Everything that you're saying I unfortunately relate to, and I

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<v Speaker 1>also unfortunately know a lot of people can relate to.

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<v Speaker 1>It's more common than we know because oftentimes with abusive relationships,

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<v Speaker 1>what happens behind closed doors is never what's happening out

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<v Speaker 1>in the world. It only happens within the home. And

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<v Speaker 1>so it's really easy, especially much like it sounded yours was,

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<v Speaker 1>when they're super charming and there seem like this great

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<v Speaker 1>person and they're out in the world and everybody loves them. Heck,

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<v Speaker 1>my family loved him at one point when I was

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<v Speaker 1>dating him, And yeah, you know that experience, But you're

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<v Speaker 1>the one who's experiencing different things behind closed doors. But

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<v Speaker 1>it gives you a very interesting dynamic where you are

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<v Speaker 1>questioning everything all the time because nothing seems real because

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<v Speaker 1>one moment you have this person, the next you have

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<v Speaker 1>a different person. So everything you're saying, I can totally relate.

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<v Speaker 1>And we're gonna break a few of these down in

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<v Speaker 1>different directions. Okay, Yeah, something you had mentioned was how

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<v Speaker 1>it was good moments and there was bad and he'd

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<v Speaker 1>pull you back in. I think a lot of times

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<v Speaker 1>when I talk about my abusive relationship, people will be like, well,

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<v Speaker 1>why didn't you just leave? Why didn't you just get

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<v Speaker 1>out of it? Why didn't you just stop? And you're

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<v Speaker 1>talking about the trauma bond. The trauma bond is so important,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's so important when it comes to relationships like this.

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<v Speaker 1>This is the only time that this phrase actually is

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<v Speaker 1>and should be used. There are not trauma bonds and

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<v Speaker 1>other scenarios. This is what it is meant to be

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<v Speaker 1>used for is abusive relationships. And it's so unique and

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<v Speaker 1>you feel so connected to this person. So talk me

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<v Speaker 1>through for you from the experience of why didn't you

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<v Speaker 1>just leave? Why why didn't you just one day say stop?

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<v Speaker 1>Tell me that experience for you, because I also can

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<v Speaker 1>attest that it was never as easy as why don't

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<v Speaker 1>you just leave?

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<v Speaker 2>No? And never so for me, I felt this like

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<v Speaker 2>great responsibility to help him, Like I because when you

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<v Speaker 2>see them being so loving and being so funny in

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<v Speaker 2>all these amazing qualities, you're like, yes, you can be

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<v Speaker 2>like this, you can be so much better. Like you're

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<v Speaker 2>only acting this way because you're hurt and broken person,

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<v Speaker 2>and that is true, but it makes it so it

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<v Speaker 2>almost makes it like it's your responsibility, Like you just

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<v Speaker 2>you feel like you love this person so much that

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<v Speaker 2>you just you don't want to abandon them, and you

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<v Speaker 2>and I think, like for me, it's like women that

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<v Speaker 2>get into these types of relationships are extremely empathetic, good hearted,

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<v Speaker 2>beautiful women, and they really just have these wounds of

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<v Speaker 2>just being wanted and loved, and so it's like if

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<v Speaker 2>they put their purpose into changing this person, then they're

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<v Speaker 2>feeling fulfilled inside, you know what I mean?

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<v Speaker 1>Yep, very much. So it was where I started to

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<v Speaker 1>really hate that I had a big heart. He was

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<v Speaker 1>the beginning of that experience for me. M And I'm

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<v Speaker 1>sure you can attest to that you start to hate

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<v Speaker 1>that you're empathetic. You hate that you want have this

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<v Speaker 1>desire to help people. You hate that somebody has used

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<v Speaker 1>that against you because now you don't want to use

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<v Speaker 1>it anymore. They take that power away from you.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, they do. Yeah, And it's hard because when

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<v Speaker 2>you're in those relationships, you really give it your all,

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<v Speaker 2>and then when you leave, you're like, I can never

0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:21.520
<v Speaker 2>do this again, and I don't think I'll ever want

0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:24.720
<v Speaker 2>to do this again, and so it's really unfortunate and

0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:30.839
<v Speaker 2>soul crushing because you know, it's like they took your

0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:34.600
<v Speaker 2>innocence away, right, and you have so much love to give,

0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.520
<v Speaker 2>and when they just when you almost tell yourself that

0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:42.120
<v Speaker 2>you can never do that again, it's really unfortunate because

0:13:42.160 --> 0:13:45.120
<v Speaker 2>the right man really does deserve that from you.

0:13:45.760 --> 0:13:49.360
<v Speaker 1>Something I experienced often was a constant push and pull.

0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:53.160
<v Speaker 1>I felt like we would be connected and then something

0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:56.199
<v Speaker 1>would happen and then we'd be back to this very

0:13:56.240 --> 0:14:01.240
<v Speaker 1>toxic going at each other all the time. Because there

0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:03.679
<v Speaker 1>was a part of me that was always fighting. There

0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:05.560
<v Speaker 1>was a part of me that always wanted to stick

0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:08.800
<v Speaker 1>up for myself and always understand that I shouldn't take this.

0:14:10.440 --> 0:14:13.480
<v Speaker 1>But when you mentioned that trauma bond. I don't think

0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:17.040
<v Speaker 1>people understand what happens in a trauma bond. You feel

0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:21.440
<v Speaker 1>so connected to this person that even when they are

0:14:21.640 --> 0:14:27.720
<v Speaker 1>hurting you, you feel like they still love you. And

0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:31.040
<v Speaker 1>can you imagine a more complicated experience than having that.

0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:35.560
<v Speaker 1>So did you have that same experience with that trauma bond?

0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:39.760
<v Speaker 2>Oh, one hundred percent. And I think that's why women

0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:44.680
<v Speaker 2>have such a hard time with believing that they're abusive,

0:14:45.760 --> 0:14:48.880
<v Speaker 2>and they make uses for that because it's like, no,

0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:53.120
<v Speaker 2>I know, he would never intentionally do this to hurt me.

0:14:53.480 --> 0:14:56.720
<v Speaker 2>And I think that is the hardest part out of

0:14:56.760 --> 0:15:01.880
<v Speaker 2>it all, is accepting that they never loved you, And

0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:06.480
<v Speaker 2>that makes one feel very crazy because you're in this

0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:11.520
<v Speaker 2>completely twisted, distorted reality that's I have in reality. That's

0:15:11.600 --> 0:15:15.560
<v Speaker 2>the hardest part about it. For me, at least, there.

0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:18.160
<v Speaker 1>Was a moment for me. I want to say it

0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:22.800
<v Speaker 1>took three years after this relationship ended for me to

0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:25.000
<v Speaker 1>finally come to terms with the fact that I was

0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:28.680
<v Speaker 1>in an abusive relationship. I don't think I could accept

0:15:28.800 --> 0:15:31.960
<v Speaker 1>for a really long time that had happened to me.

0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:34.080
<v Speaker 1>Did you ever experience that? Do you experience that a

0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:37.040
<v Speaker 1>lot with your clients? Where there's just this moment of

0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:40.960
<v Speaker 1>it finally clicks, but most of the time it takes

0:15:40.960 --> 0:15:42.520
<v Speaker 1>a really long time for that to happen.

0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:47.280
<v Speaker 2>Yes, it's interesting because I actually just had a coaching

0:15:47.320 --> 0:15:51.520
<v Speaker 2>call with one of my clients and she was offered

0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:56.520
<v Speaker 2>a domestic violence worker for this mediation, and she had

0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:59.200
<v Speaker 2>expressed that she wasn't sure if she needed one or

0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:02.600
<v Speaker 2>wanted one, And it's so hard for me to accept

0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.160
<v Speaker 2>that I need one, and I think for a lot

0:16:06.160 --> 0:16:09.840
<v Speaker 2>of women, it's because when you're in that relationship, your

0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:14.680
<v Speaker 2>brain is rewired to believe that you're overreacting, that you're crazy,

0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:19.440
<v Speaker 2>that you're the toxic one. And so imagine all those years,

0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:22.920
<v Speaker 2>however long you've been in that relationship and someone telling

0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:28.080
<v Speaker 2>you that that is going to affect your brain. And

0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:30.840
<v Speaker 2>so it's almost like this little voice in your head

0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:33.600
<v Speaker 2>sometimes when I put out even content on my social

0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:37.160
<v Speaker 2>media and I tell a story, like sometimes I'm like, oh,

0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.640
<v Speaker 2>I like, I hear him in my head being like

0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:44.440
<v Speaker 2>that's not true, that didn't happen, Like you're overexaggerating. And

0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:48.920
<v Speaker 2>so I think it just all comes with that little

0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.360
<v Speaker 2>voice in your head with what they have been conditioning

0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:53.480
<v Speaker 2>you to believe.

0:16:54.160 --> 0:16:56.560
<v Speaker 1>Well, and you mentioned that kind of control they have

0:16:56.680 --> 0:16:59.240
<v Speaker 1>over your mind. When I was in this, there was

0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:02.280
<v Speaker 1>moments where it would be really bad and I will

0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:04.159
<v Speaker 1>have ended it. I say I'm done, leave me alone,

0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.639
<v Speaker 1>and he would show up to my work with flowers,

0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:09.240
<v Speaker 1>he would follow me when I was out in public,

0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:11.880
<v Speaker 1>he would just show up on my doorstep. He would

0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:17.080
<v Speaker 1>threaten suicide. He did so many things that made me

0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:20.840
<v Speaker 1>feel like I did not have control, even though I

0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:25.440
<v Speaker 1>did in a way, but there was like this survival

0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:28.960
<v Speaker 1>in me that existed where I felt I had to

0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:33.720
<v Speaker 1>accept it because it was more important for me to

0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:40.960
<v Speaker 1>survive those scenarios than to tell him no. And that's

0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:43.199
<v Speaker 1>a really hard thing to come to terms with when

0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:45.399
<v Speaker 1>you look back. There's a lot of shame associated with

0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:48.639
<v Speaker 1>that that you feel like you couldn't put your foot

0:17:48.640 --> 0:17:51.240
<v Speaker 1>down when really you didn't have control in the first place.

0:17:51.320 --> 0:17:56.239
<v Speaker 1>Because imagine somebody's really threatening your life and who you

0:17:56.280 --> 0:18:01.440
<v Speaker 1>are and your safety as a human being, and you're

0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:04.720
<v Speaker 1>just supposed to say no, I'm going to walk away,

0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:07.920
<v Speaker 1>please leave me alone. But this is someone who notoriously

0:18:07.960 --> 0:18:13.480
<v Speaker 1>does not listen, So that experience is also part of this,

0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:16.280
<v Speaker 1>and I know you had mentioned something like this in

0:18:16.280 --> 0:18:19.120
<v Speaker 1>your content and social media, like where they find this

0:18:19.200 --> 0:18:21.240
<v Speaker 1>way to pull you back in. Can you give some

0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:24.159
<v Speaker 1>examples of what you've seen you heard some of mine,

0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:29.440
<v Speaker 1>but maybe for other people, because I think it's really

0:18:29.480 --> 0:18:32.679
<v Speaker 1>easy to mistake some of those things as love and

0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:35.040
<v Speaker 1>as somebody really wanting you when it isn't.

0:18:37.400 --> 0:18:41.080
<v Speaker 2>I think a big one is like the jealousy or

0:18:41.119 --> 0:18:47.280
<v Speaker 2>the control. So them saying, oh I reacted that way

0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.720
<v Speaker 2>at the bar because I really care about you and

0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:54.159
<v Speaker 2>I want you to be safe kind of thing. I

0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:56.560
<v Speaker 2>think honestly, all the ones that you just said, my

0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.800
<v Speaker 2>ex did as well, and those are all big ones.

0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:04.320
<v Speaker 2>They call that hoovering, the stalking, and yeah, I think

0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:07.280
<v Speaker 2>that's a way for them to maintain control and to

0:19:07.520 --> 0:19:10.880
<v Speaker 2>always see where you're at. And again, like you said,

0:19:10.960 --> 0:19:14.600
<v Speaker 2>threatening suicide, my ex as well did that. I love

0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:16.840
<v Speaker 2>you so much that if you don't stay with me,

0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:22.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna die again. That's just all control. So I

0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:24.439
<v Speaker 2>think the ones that you sat are all from what

0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:26.119
<v Speaker 2>I've heard, are all the big ones.

0:19:29.080 --> 0:19:32.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's really tough, and it's I feel like in

0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:36.480
<v Speaker 1>a lot of scenarios we've really been taught to sometimes

0:19:36.520 --> 0:19:38.800
<v Speaker 1>accept the bare minimum because I don't know if you

0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:43.240
<v Speaker 1>ever had this experience for your relationship, But for me,

0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:47.280
<v Speaker 1>I really wanted to make things work. I was told

0:19:47.440 --> 0:19:49.520
<v Speaker 1>that once you're in it with somebody, you figure it

0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:53.639
<v Speaker 1>out and you work through things together. But what I

0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:55.960
<v Speaker 1>was failing to realize in this relationship, because I had

0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:59.560
<v Speaker 1>zero experience with abuse, was that I was the only

0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:01.760
<v Speaker 1>one that actually wanted to make something work. I was

0:20:01.760 --> 0:20:03.440
<v Speaker 1>the only one who was fighting for something that didn't

0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:08.399
<v Speaker 1>really exist. Do you have some experience with that too, yes?

0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:15.680
<v Speaker 2>And I think it's so interesting because you see movies

0:20:16.280 --> 0:20:20.879
<v Speaker 2>and it's almost like that type of like intense fighting

0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:24.280
<v Speaker 2>and then leaving and not coming back for months, and

0:20:24.320 --> 0:20:26.600
<v Speaker 2>then then all of a sudden showing up on your

0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:30.360
<v Speaker 2>doorstep with flowers and a huge apology and all these

0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:35.920
<v Speaker 2>grand gestures. Like I know, for me, that was normalized, right,

0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.000
<v Speaker 2>Fights are normal, we say things we don't mean. It

0:20:39.080 --> 0:20:43.040
<v Speaker 2>was just so normalized for me. I don't think I

0:20:43.160 --> 0:20:47.800
<v Speaker 2>ever growing up had a positive role model of what

0:20:47.880 --> 0:20:50.480
<v Speaker 2>a relationship should be like. So I don't know if

0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:53.679
<v Speaker 2>that's the same for you. If you ever had you know,

0:20:53.760 --> 0:20:57.280
<v Speaker 2>someone you looked up to with like a healthy love.

0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:03.880
<v Speaker 1>I did, my parents did. But I think from my experience,

0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:09.119
<v Speaker 1>this is so hard because I just thought because I

0:21:09.200 --> 0:21:12.199
<v Speaker 1>hadn't had a lot of good experiences before in relationships,

0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:14.399
<v Speaker 1>I had much to your point, I had been cheated

0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.840
<v Speaker 1>on in every relationship I have up until my most

0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:21.320
<v Speaker 1>recent one, like this has gone through my entire life.

0:21:22.000 --> 0:21:26.240
<v Speaker 1>And because I had never had good experiences in relationships before,

0:21:26.800 --> 0:21:29.919
<v Speaker 1>I almost thought, well, this is someone who really loves

0:21:29.960 --> 0:21:34.040
<v Speaker 1>me so much that they're really willing to go through it.

0:21:34.040 --> 0:21:38.080
<v Speaker 1>It's twisted my mind in a way. He twisted my mind.

0:21:38.080 --> 0:21:42.280
<v Speaker 1>But then I added to it because I couldn't understand

0:21:42.440 --> 0:21:46.320
<v Speaker 1>that's not what a relationship looked like. Because I had

0:21:46.359 --> 0:21:48.080
<v Speaker 1>been cheated on. I was like, well, this is somebody

0:21:48.119 --> 0:21:51.040
<v Speaker 1>who's who really loves me that they're gonna they're gonna

0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:53.120
<v Speaker 1>fight for me, and they might fight me, but they're

0:21:53.119 --> 0:21:57.240
<v Speaker 1>gonna fight for me. And that just felt weird. That

0:21:57.400 --> 0:22:00.720
<v Speaker 1>was such an unusual experience for me, and to have

0:22:00.760 --> 0:22:04.400
<v Speaker 1>that experience for the first time, I was so ill

0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:07.360
<v Speaker 1>equipped to handle it. My body didn't know what to do.

0:22:08.640 --> 0:22:17.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, it is. It's almost like some deep down

0:22:17.400 --> 0:22:23.359
<v Speaker 2>subconsciously for me. I think because I was always surrounded

0:22:23.400 --> 0:22:29.400
<v Speaker 2>by chaos, toxic friendships, even toxic relationships up until being

0:22:29.480 --> 0:22:33.399
<v Speaker 2>fifteen and having my first boyfriend, and so I think

0:22:34.280 --> 0:22:39.520
<v Speaker 2>deep down I thrived in chaos and I was always

0:22:39.560 --> 0:22:44.080
<v Speaker 2>in survival mode. And so because I had never experienced

0:22:44.160 --> 0:22:48.399
<v Speaker 2>calm or peace, that was weird to me, and so

0:22:48.560 --> 0:22:55.480
<v Speaker 2>I associated chaos and fights with passion and love. And

0:22:56.520 --> 0:22:59.480
<v Speaker 2>looking back, I can see why I wanted to go

0:22:59.560 --> 0:23:02.679
<v Speaker 2>into play because I said, well, I really want to

0:23:02.680 --> 0:23:05.119
<v Speaker 2>help people, but I also need something that's going to

0:23:05.200 --> 0:23:08.560
<v Speaker 2>keep me on my toes. And I think once I

0:23:08.760 --> 0:23:14.399
<v Speaker 2>finally found that piece regulated my nervous system and healed

0:23:14.440 --> 0:23:17.439
<v Speaker 2>all these wounds, I was like, oh no, Like I

0:23:17.520 --> 0:23:19.760
<v Speaker 2>do not thrive in this situation anymore.

0:23:20.480 --> 0:23:20.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:23:20.680 --> 0:23:23.439
<v Speaker 2>So I think a big part of it, too, is

0:23:23.480 --> 0:23:27.639
<v Speaker 2>like subconsciously we associate chaos with passion and love.

0:23:29.000 --> 0:23:31.080
<v Speaker 1>And to your point, I think so many movies and

0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:34.760
<v Speaker 1>TV shows have also taught us that, so we are

0:23:34.840 --> 0:23:38.360
<v Speaker 1>what we see out into the world. For you, did

0:23:38.400 --> 0:23:41.640
<v Speaker 1>you experience after this relationship, and maybe you haven't gotten

0:23:41.680 --> 0:23:45.560
<v Speaker 1>to this point yet, but dating and finding healthy relationships, now,

0:23:45.680 --> 0:23:47.240
<v Speaker 1>what's that experience been like for you?

0:23:48.000 --> 0:23:51.080
<v Speaker 2>Yes? Oh, gosh. So I was actually in a year

0:23:51.119 --> 0:23:55.959
<v Speaker 2>and a half very healthy relationship for the first time. Unfortunately,

0:23:55.960 --> 0:24:01.359
<v Speaker 2>we parted ways last October, but it was my first

0:24:01.359 --> 0:24:06.760
<v Speaker 2>healthy relationship and it was hard, but I was self

0:24:06.800 --> 0:24:09.040
<v Speaker 2>aware enough to be like, Okay, Kayla, you can work

0:24:09.080 --> 0:24:13.040
<v Speaker 2>through these things now, and it Honestly, I guess I

0:24:13.040 --> 0:24:15.399
<v Speaker 2>can fully say now that I'm a cycle breaker, and

0:24:15.440 --> 0:24:18.320
<v Speaker 2>I broke the cycle because yeah, I have experienced a

0:24:18.320 --> 0:24:22.520
<v Speaker 2>healthy relationship and it is a breath of fresh air.

0:24:23.640 --> 0:24:26.320
<v Speaker 2>I never thought I would be a be into a

0:24:26.359 --> 0:24:30.320
<v Speaker 2>healthy relationship. I always thought it would be boring, and

0:24:30.560 --> 0:24:32.879
<v Speaker 2>that's just simply not true. It's not true.

0:24:34.200 --> 0:24:36.560
<v Speaker 1>It's a mind trick that we definitely play on ourselves,

0:24:36.560 --> 0:24:40.240
<v Speaker 1>for sure. When you were having that first healthy relationship

0:24:40.280 --> 0:24:43.920
<v Speaker 1>in the beginning, was there a lot of moments of

0:24:44.040 --> 0:24:47.760
<v Speaker 1>PTSD where you wanted to create chaos because you didn't

0:24:48.800 --> 0:24:51.320
<v Speaker 1>know how to handle non chaos.

0:24:52.200 --> 0:24:56.359
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, yeah, I wanted to self sabotage the shit

0:24:56.520 --> 0:25:00.920
<v Speaker 2>out of that relationship. Oh there's a tiny little problem here.

0:25:01.080 --> 0:25:03.680
<v Speaker 2>Let's blow this out of proportion so I can leave

0:25:03.840 --> 0:25:06.200
<v Speaker 2>because I'm extremely uncomfortable right now.

0:25:07.800 --> 0:25:10.640
<v Speaker 1>And it is, and to your credit, it at least

0:25:10.640 --> 0:25:12.639
<v Speaker 1>sounds like you found someone who is willing to be

0:25:12.720 --> 0:25:14.840
<v Speaker 1>a safe space and work through those things for you.

0:25:14.880 --> 0:25:19.359
<v Speaker 1>And I think that's really an important part of post

0:25:19.720 --> 0:25:23.880
<v Speaker 1>abusive relationship dating, where you have to truly be able

0:25:23.880 --> 0:25:26.080
<v Speaker 1>to find someone who is a safe space and who

0:25:26.119 --> 0:25:29.879
<v Speaker 1>isn't gonna take advantage of that side of you because

0:25:29.920 --> 0:25:34.080
<v Speaker 1>it is would you ever when you were dating and

0:25:34.119 --> 0:25:37.359
<v Speaker 1>probably dating again now and this is a part of

0:25:37.400 --> 0:25:40.119
<v Speaker 1>your story, It's a part of who you are. So

0:25:40.160 --> 0:25:44.200
<v Speaker 1>when you talk about this stuff dating and you're like, Okay, crap,

0:25:44.200 --> 0:25:45.520
<v Speaker 1>we're getting to the part where I'm gonna have to

0:25:45.560 --> 0:25:47.199
<v Speaker 1>be vulnerable and I'm gonna have to share that this

0:25:47.240 --> 0:25:50.359
<v Speaker 1>is a part of who I am. What is that

0:25:50.840 --> 0:25:52.720
<v Speaker 1>like for you when that starts to happen.

0:25:54.320 --> 0:25:58.480
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah. And because I'm so like public on social

0:25:58.560 --> 0:26:01.320
<v Speaker 2>media too, if anyone else me for like my Instagram,

0:26:01.359 --> 0:26:03.560
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, no, let's wait on it a little bit.

0:26:03.600 --> 0:26:06.840
<v Speaker 2>I'd rather tell you things in person. But I think

0:26:07.800 --> 0:26:13.440
<v Speaker 2>before I would always lead with my past going into relationships,

0:26:13.640 --> 0:26:16.040
<v Speaker 2>and I think I still was very much in that

0:26:16.119 --> 0:26:19.639
<v Speaker 2>like victim mentality and also subconsciously still looking for the

0:26:19.680 --> 0:26:23.239
<v Speaker 2>same types of men because I was still so like

0:26:23.320 --> 0:26:27.840
<v Speaker 2>my holy identity revolved around this man, and so I

0:26:27.880 --> 0:26:31.160
<v Speaker 2>think that's why I kept repeating those relationships. But now

0:26:32.160 --> 0:26:36.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm trying to really not lead with that because that's

0:26:36.119 --> 0:26:39.160
<v Speaker 2>just a part of my chapter. It's not who I am,

0:26:39.520 --> 0:26:44.200
<v Speaker 2>and so it's not something that I would open up

0:26:44.240 --> 0:26:48.120
<v Speaker 2>about right away, but definitely in the future. Like if

0:26:48.119 --> 0:26:50.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm comfortable with the person, then I'd be comfortable opening

0:26:50.920 --> 0:26:53.639
<v Speaker 2>up about it, And if they were more curious about it,

0:26:53.720 --> 0:26:57.000
<v Speaker 2>like I'm an open book and if that scares them,

0:26:57.040 --> 0:27:00.879
<v Speaker 2>then cool. If not, then that's my person. Oh great.

0:27:01.280 --> 0:27:05.600
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, I think I see a lot of women

0:27:05.640 --> 0:27:07.280
<v Speaker 2>because I did this too, and I know a lot

0:27:07.280 --> 0:27:10.080
<v Speaker 2>of other women do this, is they'll lead with their past.

0:27:10.240 --> 0:27:13.240
<v Speaker 2>I have trust issues because of this, and I have

0:27:13.280 --> 0:27:16.520
<v Speaker 2>a hard time opening up because of this. And you

0:27:16.560 --> 0:27:19.480
<v Speaker 2>can't go into it like that, you really can't. You

0:27:19.640 --> 0:27:23.080
<v Speaker 2>have to heal those parts of you. And I always say,

0:27:23.240 --> 0:27:27.360
<v Speaker 2>it's not that you don't trust other people, it's that

0:27:27.400 --> 0:27:32.400
<v Speaker 2>you lack trust within yourself, because you ultimately, last time

0:27:32.400 --> 0:27:34.800
<v Speaker 2>you got into a relationship, you made the wrong decision.

0:27:35.600 --> 0:27:39.159
<v Speaker 2>And so if you really want to gain control and

0:27:39.200 --> 0:27:42.400
<v Speaker 2>power back over your life, you have to take responsibility

0:27:42.440 --> 0:27:45.560
<v Speaker 2>for those things and heal those things. Although abuse is

0:27:45.640 --> 0:27:49.080
<v Speaker 2>never your fault, you have to understand what brought you

0:27:49.200 --> 0:27:51.800
<v Speaker 2>into that relationship mm hmm.

0:27:52.119 --> 0:27:56.159
<v Speaker 1>And to your point, healing that trust with yourself is

0:27:56.200 --> 0:27:59.160
<v Speaker 1>one of the hardest things to do. I still struggle

0:27:59.200 --> 0:28:02.520
<v Speaker 1>with that and still make my little dark humor jokes

0:28:02.560 --> 0:28:04.919
<v Speaker 1>from like I have trusted Sheeley don't do that, and

0:28:04.960 --> 0:28:07.080
<v Speaker 1>I just don't because I panic and I'm like, I

0:28:07.160 --> 0:28:08.760
<v Speaker 1>know what this means, but I don't want to talk

0:28:08.800 --> 0:28:11.399
<v Speaker 1>about it right now, you know what I mean? Yeah,

0:28:11.680 --> 0:28:14.359
<v Speaker 1>And I think that's very real. That's a really real

0:28:14.640 --> 0:28:18.520
<v Speaker 1>part of the post side of this that gets lost

0:28:18.560 --> 0:28:20.679
<v Speaker 1>in the mix because so much of it is recovering

0:28:20.720 --> 0:28:22.760
<v Speaker 1>and a lot of PTSD and a lot of trauma

0:28:22.800 --> 0:28:26.440
<v Speaker 1>that you're getting rid of. That that trust with yourself

0:28:27.840 --> 0:28:32.359
<v Speaker 1>rebuilding is not easy to trust that you're going to

0:28:32.400 --> 0:28:34.400
<v Speaker 1>make the right decisions. Again, I don't know how many

0:28:34.440 --> 0:28:37.359
<v Speaker 1>times I sat in a therapist's office and I said

0:28:37.560 --> 0:28:40.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't think this is the right call and they're like, well, why,

0:28:40.160 --> 0:28:41.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, I don't know. I just don't believe it.

0:28:42.000 --> 0:28:44.520
<v Speaker 1>I don't believe anything anymore. I don't trust that any

0:28:44.560 --> 0:28:46.160
<v Speaker 1>of this is going to work out. I don't trust

0:28:46.200 --> 0:28:48.560
<v Speaker 1>that anybody's going to have my back. I don't trust

0:28:48.560 --> 0:28:50.280
<v Speaker 1>that I'm going to make the right call. There was

0:28:50.360 --> 0:28:53.440
<v Speaker 1>so much in trust, and when you said that, it

0:28:53.480 --> 0:28:55.640
<v Speaker 1>was like it triggered another thing in me. I was like, Oh, yeah,

0:28:55.680 --> 0:28:58.080
<v Speaker 1>that's still deep down in there somewhere it's lingers.

0:28:58.960 --> 0:29:05.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, per yeah. And I think ultimately building trust within

0:29:05.400 --> 0:29:10.720
<v Speaker 2>yourself is just becoming so crystal clear on who you are.

0:29:11.320 --> 0:29:13.520
<v Speaker 2>Because if you know what your morals are and you

0:29:13.640 --> 0:29:17.240
<v Speaker 2>know what your values are and you're living life in

0:29:17.480 --> 0:29:20.920
<v Speaker 2>alignment to those, then making decisions for yourself is going

0:29:21.000 --> 0:29:23.640
<v Speaker 2>to become a thousand times easier.

0:29:24.760 --> 0:29:28.440
<v Speaker 1>Will you also elaborate on the victim mentality because that

0:29:28.560 --> 0:29:30.760
<v Speaker 1>was an experience I had to where I really had

0:29:30.800 --> 0:29:33.240
<v Speaker 1>to get out of this victim mentality.

0:29:34.880 --> 0:29:41.680
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Same here. It's something so obviously traumatic that happens

0:29:41.720 --> 0:29:43.920
<v Speaker 2>to you, and it's so easy to put your whole

0:29:45.040 --> 0:29:48.320
<v Speaker 2>identity in that. And I think that just comes with

0:29:49.560 --> 0:29:55.520
<v Speaker 2>you not wanting to let go of something and it's

0:29:55.600 --> 0:29:59.720
<v Speaker 2>so powerful, Like the words that you say are so powerful,

0:30:00.160 --> 0:30:05.560
<v Speaker 2>and there has to be I think where the shift

0:30:05.680 --> 0:30:12.240
<v Speaker 2>happens is you have to realize, okay, this, yes, this

0:30:12.400 --> 0:30:15.400
<v Speaker 2>happened to me. But once you shift it to like, okay,

0:30:15.880 --> 0:30:18.280
<v Speaker 2>how was this happening for me? And what can I

0:30:18.400 --> 0:30:22.520
<v Speaker 2>do to become better from this? That's when you can

0:30:22.560 --> 0:30:24.640
<v Speaker 2>shift out of it. But it's so much easier. I

0:30:24.720 --> 0:30:27.800
<v Speaker 2>guess it's not easier, but sometimes it can feel easier

0:30:27.800 --> 0:30:33.000
<v Speaker 2>to just sit in that pain because changing is hard, right.

0:30:33.640 --> 0:30:38.440
<v Speaker 2>Acknowledging your mistakes as a human being is hard. It

0:30:38.520 --> 0:30:41.880
<v Speaker 2>hurts your ego a little bit, and so sometimes it

0:30:42.120 --> 0:30:45.959
<v Speaker 2>just is more comfortable to just sit in that.

0:30:47.560 --> 0:30:50.880
<v Speaker 1>Do you ever get clients that come to you and

0:30:50.920 --> 0:30:54.840
<v Speaker 1>they're like, I think I'm in this, but I don't know. Oh, yes,

0:30:55.760 --> 0:30:58.000
<v Speaker 1>What do you tell them when they come to you

0:30:58.080 --> 0:31:01.320
<v Speaker 1>and they're in this position? Because I do think a

0:31:01.320 --> 0:31:03.680
<v Speaker 1>lot of people will often hear my story. I'm sure

0:31:03.720 --> 0:31:06.560
<v Speaker 1>they see yours and they're like, gosh, that sounds really familiar.

0:31:06.560 --> 0:31:08.920
<v Speaker 1>But that couldn't be me. That's not me. There's no

0:31:08.960 --> 0:31:11.520
<v Speaker 1>way that's what my relationship is. So when they come

0:31:11.560 --> 0:31:13.280
<v Speaker 1>to you and they say, I think this is happening

0:31:13.320 --> 0:31:15.800
<v Speaker 1>to me, what are you doing with them to help

0:31:15.840 --> 0:31:19.200
<v Speaker 1>them see what's actually happening or how are you helping

0:31:19.240 --> 0:31:21.520
<v Speaker 1>them work through that potential experience.

0:31:23.320 --> 0:31:28.520
<v Speaker 2>I think just first of all, validating their experience, and

0:31:29.640 --> 0:31:31.160
<v Speaker 2>I know a lot of women just want to be

0:31:31.280 --> 0:31:40.040
<v Speaker 2>validated and heard and understood, and ultimately, if you're questioning it,

0:31:40.040 --> 0:31:44.440
<v Speaker 2>it's a pretty good indicator that something is going on.

0:31:45.960 --> 0:31:49.719
<v Speaker 2>It's so tricky because abuse is not like one size

0:31:49.760 --> 0:31:55.240
<v Speaker 2>fits all. We get into this like comparing like spiraling loop,

0:31:55.560 --> 0:31:59.920
<v Speaker 2>and we then will go and analyze like the nurse

0:32:00.440 --> 0:32:03.320
<v Speaker 2>and look up all these like traits of a narcissist

0:32:03.360 --> 0:32:06.880
<v Speaker 2>and all these things, and at the end of the day,

0:32:07.320 --> 0:32:11.479
<v Speaker 2>if they are making you anxious and you're not feeling safe,

0:32:11.560 --> 0:32:14.400
<v Speaker 2>I think a lot of women know that something's not right,

0:32:15.240 --> 0:32:18.320
<v Speaker 2>but accepting it more so is like the hard part,

0:32:18.480 --> 0:32:20.720
<v Speaker 2>right because then they know that they have to leave,

0:32:20.920 --> 0:32:24.800
<v Speaker 2>and so they're like justifying the behavior so they don't

0:32:25.120 --> 0:32:27.280
<v Speaker 2>they don't want to leave.

0:32:28.280 --> 0:32:31.720
<v Speaker 1>Well, leaving a normal relationship is hard. You don't want

0:32:31.760 --> 0:32:34.640
<v Speaker 1>to end something you're comfortable with. Your point change is hard.

0:32:35.400 --> 0:32:37.680
<v Speaker 1>So then you add on the layers of well, this

0:32:37.800 --> 0:32:41.480
<v Speaker 1>is tumultuous, or it's toxic, or it's abusive, and you

0:32:41.560 --> 0:32:45.240
<v Speaker 1>just threw fifteen extra layers onto what that leaving procedure

0:32:45.320 --> 0:32:49.160
<v Speaker 1>is probably going to look like. And to your point,

0:32:49.400 --> 0:32:52.480
<v Speaker 1>it isn't a one size fits all, But I love

0:32:52.520 --> 0:32:57.760
<v Speaker 1>what you said that if you feel like something is wrong,

0:32:57.920 --> 0:33:02.240
<v Speaker 1>that's your sign. If you're already questioning it, that's all

0:33:02.320 --> 0:33:07.720
<v Speaker 1>really you need to know, because truly, and I, for

0:33:07.880 --> 0:33:12.120
<v Speaker 1>my personal experience, like I, it took me recognizing it

0:33:12.200 --> 0:33:16.960
<v Speaker 1>and leaving at vastly different timelines. Me realizing when it

0:33:17.000 --> 0:33:19.280
<v Speaker 1>was happening to me versus when I finally was able

0:33:19.320 --> 0:33:21.760
<v Speaker 1>to leave and feel safe, to get out and make

0:33:21.880 --> 0:33:27.640
<v Speaker 1>my very land and executed exit was a very long

0:33:27.720 --> 0:33:31.240
<v Speaker 1>time in between. And I think that happens for most people.

0:33:31.640 --> 0:33:34.880
<v Speaker 1>And unfortunately there is a even much harder side of

0:33:34.920 --> 0:33:39.080
<v Speaker 1>this where it doesn't have a good ending. And that's

0:33:39.120 --> 0:33:41.560
<v Speaker 1>also my hope in bringing you on and talking about this,

0:33:41.600 --> 0:33:44.360
<v Speaker 1>even though it is so hard, is I don't want

0:33:44.400 --> 0:33:48.120
<v Speaker 1>that ending for everyone. And you said it like, you

0:33:48.120 --> 0:33:50.920
<v Speaker 1>should feel safe, you should feel happy in a relationship,

0:33:50.960 --> 0:33:54.760
<v Speaker 1>you should feel good, and if you weren't feeling those things,

0:33:55.400 --> 0:33:58.880
<v Speaker 1>this is beyond having an argument and a disagreement about life.

0:33:58.920 --> 0:34:02.560
<v Speaker 1>This is not being able to exist with another person

0:34:02.640 --> 0:34:05.960
<v Speaker 1>without feeling anxiety all the time, Like I would sleep

0:34:06.000 --> 0:34:08.319
<v Speaker 1>next to my ex and I would be terrified. There

0:34:08.320 --> 0:34:10.160
<v Speaker 1>were nights I would not sleep because I did not

0:34:10.280 --> 0:34:15.040
<v Speaker 1>know what was coming. And I know that that's a

0:34:15.080 --> 0:34:17.480
<v Speaker 1>similar experience for a lot of people abuse, because you

0:34:17.600 --> 0:34:19.880
<v Speaker 1>just you don't know what you're going to sleep next to.

0:34:20.120 --> 0:34:21.600
<v Speaker 1>You don't know what you're waking up next to, you

0:34:21.640 --> 0:34:24.080
<v Speaker 1>don't know what that next day is going to bring.

0:34:25.160 --> 0:34:27.680
<v Speaker 1>And I think your advice was so great for that though,

0:34:27.719 --> 0:34:30.320
<v Speaker 1>because it as much as it's not a one size

0:34:30.640 --> 0:34:34.800
<v Speaker 1>fits all, that very intuition, gut feeling is so important.

0:34:35.600 --> 0:34:39.520
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and you said it right there. Awareness is not

0:34:40.320 --> 0:34:43.600
<v Speaker 2>enough to leave. Like I was a criminology student, this

0:34:43.640 --> 0:34:47.719
<v Speaker 2>is where I learned about all these narcissistic personality disorders

0:34:47.760 --> 0:34:50.759
<v Speaker 2>because we actually have to diagnose criminals. And I'm like,

0:34:51.120 --> 0:34:53.800
<v Speaker 2>oh my god, my boyfriend is like that. My boyfriend

0:34:53.880 --> 0:34:57.440
<v Speaker 2>does that, And I started calling him out on all

0:34:57.480 --> 0:35:01.279
<v Speaker 2>the you're being manipulative, your gaslighting. These terms weren't a thing,

0:35:02.160 --> 0:35:05.120
<v Speaker 2>and that's how I learned them. But again, I knew

0:35:05.120 --> 0:35:07.479
<v Speaker 2>he was doing this to me, and it wasn't enough

0:35:07.520 --> 0:35:12.360
<v Speaker 2>to leave. And ultimately, you need to have, like I

0:35:12.400 --> 0:35:16.799
<v Speaker 2>treat it like an addiction. And so every person who

0:35:17.760 --> 0:35:21.760
<v Speaker 2>has a drinking problem, they all have that pivotal moment,

0:35:21.920 --> 0:35:25.640
<v Speaker 2>that breaking point. They all remember that story, like the

0:35:25.760 --> 0:35:29.120
<v Speaker 2>defining moment where they're like, I've had enough, I'm done.

0:35:29.719 --> 0:35:35.879
<v Speaker 2>I remember mine, and you're at some point you have

0:35:35.960 --> 0:35:40.080
<v Speaker 2>to reach that like pivotal defining moment for yourself. And

0:35:40.120 --> 0:35:43.000
<v Speaker 2>it all depends on your pain tolerance. It all depends

0:35:43.040 --> 0:35:46.520
<v Speaker 2>on what is going on inside of you and your body, right,

0:35:46.680 --> 0:35:51.520
<v Speaker 2>and we all have different levels of pain and what

0:35:51.640 --> 0:35:55.640
<v Speaker 2>our threshold is. And so obviously I never wanted to

0:35:55.680 --> 0:35:58.200
<v Speaker 2>get to that point. But that's why it's so hard

0:35:58.200 --> 0:36:00.480
<v Speaker 2>for me, Like I won't coach with and if they're

0:36:00.520 --> 0:36:03.200
<v Speaker 2>still in the abuse of relationship just because I know

0:36:04.160 --> 0:36:06.879
<v Speaker 2>no one can tell you when to leave. You have

0:36:07.000 --> 0:36:09.200
<v Speaker 2>to have that defining moment for yourself.

0:36:10.280 --> 0:36:13.520
<v Speaker 1>That's so true. It is because you could have everybody

0:36:13.520 --> 0:36:15.360
<v Speaker 1>screaming at you from the rooftops that this is the

0:36:15.360 --> 0:36:18.480
<v Speaker 1>worst thing, but until you feel it, much like addiction,

0:36:18.600 --> 0:36:22.600
<v Speaker 1>that's also a great way of comparing it. You have

0:36:22.680 --> 0:36:25.759
<v Speaker 1>to decide that for yourself. You have to have the

0:36:25.800 --> 0:36:28.080
<v Speaker 1>strength to walk away, because if you don't, you will

0:36:28.120 --> 0:36:30.800
<v Speaker 1>go back. You will find yourself in this situation again,

0:36:31.600 --> 0:36:36.360
<v Speaker 1>and strength is so important at the end, I wanted

0:36:36.360 --> 0:36:39.480
<v Speaker 1>to ask you. I saw on your social media pages

0:36:39.560 --> 0:36:43.400
<v Speaker 1>that you had said you won't label yourself as a

0:36:43.440 --> 0:36:47.239
<v Speaker 1>survivor of abuse. We share why and that kind of

0:36:47.480 --> 0:36:48.399
<v Speaker 1>reasoning for you.

0:36:50.480 --> 0:36:55.040
<v Speaker 2>I don't want it to become my whole identity. This

0:36:55.280 --> 0:37:01.600
<v Speaker 2>is something that I had lived through operience, and it

0:37:01.680 --> 0:37:08.120
<v Speaker 2>was a big chapter in my life, but I ultimately

0:37:08.160 --> 0:37:10.759
<v Speaker 2>have my control and my power back, and I don't

0:37:10.760 --> 0:37:15.839
<v Speaker 2>want to see myself as a survivor anymore. I'm now thriving,

0:37:16.040 --> 0:37:21.920
<v Speaker 2>So I don't like it because I know, I just

0:37:22.160 --> 0:37:25.279
<v Speaker 2>know what it can do to your mind and how

0:37:25.320 --> 0:37:29.319
<v Speaker 2>it can affect life decisions. I feel like if I

0:37:29.520 --> 0:37:32.799
<v Speaker 2>still refer to myself as a victim and a survivor,

0:37:33.040 --> 0:37:36.239
<v Speaker 2>then I feel like I would have less control over

0:37:36.280 --> 0:37:39.279
<v Speaker 2>my future and the relationships that I choose, because at

0:37:39.280 --> 0:37:42.400
<v Speaker 2>the end of the day, we actually do get to

0:37:42.440 --> 0:37:44.600
<v Speaker 2>decide what relationships we get to be in.

0:37:46.000 --> 0:37:48.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I love that I had seen that, and I

0:37:48.040 --> 0:37:51.160
<v Speaker 1>wanted to hear it from your words because I feel

0:37:51.200 --> 0:37:53.600
<v Speaker 1>the same way. And it's like the stages of grief,

0:37:53.680 --> 0:37:55.799
<v Speaker 1>but the stages of abuse a little bit where when

0:37:55.800 --> 0:37:57.480
<v Speaker 1>I came out of it, I was in denial that

0:37:57.520 --> 0:37:59.839
<v Speaker 1>it ever happened to me. Then I came to terms

0:37:59.880 --> 0:38:01.840
<v Speaker 1>with and I was like, okay, I am a survivor.

0:38:01.880 --> 0:38:03.800
<v Speaker 1>And then you come out of that and you're like, Okay,

0:38:03.880 --> 0:38:06.160
<v Speaker 1>that's now just part of my story. It's very much

0:38:07.040 --> 0:38:10.960
<v Speaker 1>stages that you experience. But gosh, I wish everybody could

0:38:11.000 --> 0:38:14.920
<v Speaker 1>get to that the place that you're in now quicker.

0:38:15.560 --> 0:38:19.719
<v Speaker 1>And that's so hard because you're coming from someone who

0:38:19.800 --> 0:38:22.160
<v Speaker 1>spent three years working on herself after my experience where

0:38:22.160 --> 0:38:23.520
<v Speaker 1>I was like, don't touch me, don't talk to me.

0:38:23.560 --> 0:38:25.799
<v Speaker 1>I don't I have things to figure out.

0:38:26.640 --> 0:38:29.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, one hundred percent. That's my goals. Just help as

0:38:29.640 --> 0:38:33.680
<v Speaker 2>many women as possible. You don't have to struggle this long,

0:38:33.760 --> 0:38:35.840
<v Speaker 2>like I've made all the mistakes for you, guys, I

0:38:36.000 --> 0:38:39.879
<v Speaker 2>promise you, like I will guide you the right way,

0:38:39.960 --> 0:38:42.720
<v Speaker 2>like you don't have to. You don't have to struggle

0:38:42.719 --> 0:38:43.400
<v Speaker 2>in silence.

0:38:44.200 --> 0:38:46.399
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I love what you're doing and I'm really glad

0:38:46.440 --> 0:38:48.359
<v Speaker 1>you came on and shared parts of your story. And

0:38:48.760 --> 0:38:50.759
<v Speaker 1>is there anything you would like to leave us on,

0:38:50.840 --> 0:38:53.560
<v Speaker 1>anything we didn't touch on or talk about, or maybe

0:38:53.600 --> 0:38:56.640
<v Speaker 1>some words of wisdom. However you want to leave us,

0:38:56.800 --> 0:38:58.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm leaving this floor to you.

0:38:59.120 --> 0:39:01.200
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, almost what here?

0:39:01.920 --> 0:39:03.560
<v Speaker 1>I just have to make sure if there's anything else

0:39:03.560 --> 0:39:05.600
<v Speaker 1>that I didn't touch on that you feel so important,

0:39:06.040 --> 0:39:07.480
<v Speaker 1>I want this to be the space for that.

0:39:08.400 --> 0:39:10.360
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I guess. I just want to let women know

0:39:10.480 --> 0:39:14.440
<v Speaker 2>if you think that you will never find love or

0:39:14.440 --> 0:39:17.920
<v Speaker 2>you'll never love someone like that again, Like that, I

0:39:19.840 --> 0:39:22.200
<v Speaker 2>from someone who was crying to her mom saying I

0:39:22.239 --> 0:39:25.360
<v Speaker 2>will never love someone like that again. I promise you

0:39:25.360 --> 0:39:28.879
<v Speaker 2>you will, and it will be the best kind of love,

0:39:29.640 --> 0:39:33.480
<v Speaker 2>and that love will be with yourself first before anything.

0:39:33.880 --> 0:39:37.520
<v Speaker 2>And so anyone who is in their fields right now

0:39:37.560 --> 0:39:40.040
<v Speaker 2>about that this is coming from someone who felt that,

0:39:40.280 --> 0:39:43.440
<v Speaker 2>and just know that is just simply not true at all.

0:39:44.040 --> 0:39:44.759
<v Speaker 2>You'll get through it.

0:39:45.920 --> 0:39:48.440
<v Speaker 1>The perfect way to end us on I echo that statement.

0:39:48.560 --> 0:39:52.440
<v Speaker 1>That's beautiful and thank you for sharing again, thanks for talking.

0:39:52.160 --> 0:39:54.719
<v Speaker 2>With me, Thank you so much for having me on.

0:40:01.000 --> 0:40:04.400
<v Speaker 1>This week felt appropriate for me to do another audio

0:40:04.520 --> 0:40:07.680
<v Speaker 1>journal entry where I shared a piece of my story

0:40:07.680 --> 0:40:10.440
<v Speaker 1>with you guys. This episode was really important to me

0:40:10.520 --> 0:40:13.880
<v Speaker 1>to do because I have personal experience with an abusive

0:40:13.920 --> 0:40:16.680
<v Speaker 1>relationship and I'm not coming on here to share this

0:40:16.760 --> 0:40:19.400
<v Speaker 1>story for sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me.

0:40:20.200 --> 0:40:22.960
<v Speaker 1>I share it because I think using our voices in

0:40:23.440 --> 0:40:28.560
<v Speaker 1>platforms to share stories like this is what matters. And

0:40:28.920 --> 0:40:31.719
<v Speaker 1>just like everybody else, I'm human and I want to

0:40:31.760 --> 0:40:34.480
<v Speaker 1>feel connected to I want other people to hear this

0:40:34.600 --> 0:40:37.359
<v Speaker 1>story and say, hey, I had this too, and this

0:40:37.440 --> 0:40:40.160
<v Speaker 1>is my experience because I don't want to feel alone

0:40:40.200 --> 0:40:42.399
<v Speaker 1>in it, and I know if I feel that way,

0:40:42.440 --> 0:40:45.719
<v Speaker 1>then other people feel that way. So I share these

0:40:45.800 --> 0:40:49.200
<v Speaker 1>journal entries in hopes that it allows us to feel

0:40:49.239 --> 0:40:52.839
<v Speaker 1>connected when maybe you hear something that I've went through

0:40:52.840 --> 0:40:55.960
<v Speaker 1>and it makes you feel seen. In my early twenties,

0:40:56.160 --> 0:41:00.799
<v Speaker 1>I was in a couple year long abusive relationship and

0:41:02.280 --> 0:41:04.800
<v Speaker 1>you heard me talk to Kayla about this a little

0:41:04.800 --> 0:41:07.520
<v Speaker 1>bit where it took me about three years after that

0:41:07.600 --> 0:41:10.080
<v Speaker 1>relationship to come to terms with the fact that I

0:41:10.280 --> 0:41:14.439
<v Speaker 1>was in an abusive relationship. I had never had any

0:41:14.480 --> 0:41:17.680
<v Speaker 1>experience with anything like that. My parents are still together.

0:41:18.440 --> 0:41:23.200
<v Speaker 1>I had never been technically in an abusive physically relationship before.

0:41:24.440 --> 0:41:29.279
<v Speaker 1>But my past relationships didn't look that great either when

0:41:29.280 --> 0:41:32.080
<v Speaker 1>I looked back on them after this relationship was said

0:41:32.080 --> 0:41:35.840
<v Speaker 1>and done. My history before my abusive relationship. I had

0:41:36.120 --> 0:41:39.880
<v Speaker 1>three serious relationships, and every single one they cheated on me.

0:41:40.560 --> 0:41:43.160
<v Speaker 1>One of them was a little bit more on the

0:41:43.200 --> 0:41:48.240
<v Speaker 1>controlling side, and they all had things that would resemble

0:41:48.280 --> 0:41:53.239
<v Speaker 1>a chaotic, not safe relationship for somebody, but none of

0:41:53.239 --> 0:41:57.000
<v Speaker 1>them were abusive. So I didn't quite understand what was

0:41:57.040 --> 0:42:00.759
<v Speaker 1>happening to me when I found myself in an abuse relationship.

0:42:00.840 --> 0:42:03.000
<v Speaker 1>Now I'm not going to detail from start to finish

0:42:03.040 --> 0:42:06.520
<v Speaker 1>this entire thing. I'm just going to share some pieces

0:42:06.560 --> 0:42:10.440
<v Speaker 1>and moments that happened that allowed me to understand and

0:42:10.480 --> 0:42:14.920
<v Speaker 1>eventually leave and do better for myself. So at the

0:42:14.960 --> 0:42:18.600
<v Speaker 1>beginning of this relationship, when it first started, he was charming.

0:42:19.280 --> 0:42:22.520
<v Speaker 1>He was handsome. Everybody loved him, my family, my friends.

0:42:23.160 --> 0:42:26.319
<v Speaker 1>He did everything right. He wooed me, swept me off

0:42:26.360 --> 0:42:30.040
<v Speaker 1>my feet, he was romantic, He did everything that a

0:42:30.080 --> 0:42:34.759
<v Speaker 1>girl would want a partner to do, and so I

0:42:34.800 --> 0:42:38.480
<v Speaker 1>fell for him quickly. He made me feel safe in

0:42:38.520 --> 0:42:42.279
<v Speaker 1>the beginning, he made me feel seen, and what I

0:42:42.360 --> 0:42:46.239
<v Speaker 1>realized was it was him shaping me, understanding me in

0:42:46.280 --> 0:42:48.839
<v Speaker 1>every way that he could, so one day he could

0:42:48.920 --> 0:42:50.840
<v Speaker 1>use all of that against me. And that was just

0:42:50.880 --> 0:42:55.880
<v Speaker 1>the beginning. As our relationship continued is when the emotional

0:42:55.880 --> 0:42:59.200
<v Speaker 1>abuse started. The control and he had a problem with alcohol,

0:42:59.320 --> 0:43:02.520
<v Speaker 1>so that played it to this in a much larger picture.

0:43:03.120 --> 0:43:06.200
<v Speaker 1>But it was often fights, and he was often very

0:43:06.239 --> 0:43:10.759
<v Speaker 1>emotionally verbally abusive and would say a lot of aggressive

0:43:10.800 --> 0:43:13.880
<v Speaker 1>things to me or common on things that I'm wearing

0:43:14.080 --> 0:43:15.799
<v Speaker 1>or want to approve of the things that I would

0:43:15.840 --> 0:43:19.000
<v Speaker 1>post on social media. He would not like half the

0:43:19.040 --> 0:43:21.680
<v Speaker 1>things we'd talk about. On my main job on the

0:43:21.680 --> 0:43:25.520
<v Speaker 1>Bobby Bone Show. I'd come home almost two three times

0:43:25.520 --> 0:43:28.800
<v Speaker 1>a week to a fight. He heard something, saw something,

0:43:28.840 --> 0:43:31.839
<v Speaker 1>and he didn't like it. There was no trust. It

0:43:31.880 --> 0:43:35.120
<v Speaker 1>was like he wanted everything to always be wrong, which

0:43:35.200 --> 0:43:38.319
<v Speaker 1>was a drastic change from the person that I had

0:43:38.320 --> 0:43:41.360
<v Speaker 1>first started dating, and so it really threw me. I

0:43:41.360 --> 0:43:44.400
<v Speaker 1>didn't understand what was happening. This was a completely different

0:43:44.440 --> 0:43:49.360
<v Speaker 1>human being, and as I do an EmPATH often does,

0:43:49.920 --> 0:43:52.520
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to fix things. I wanted to make this

0:43:52.600 --> 0:43:57.600
<v Speaker 1>relationship work, also because I often felt like with all

0:43:57.600 --> 0:44:00.960
<v Speaker 1>of my failed relationships that I played such significant role.

0:44:00.960 --> 0:44:02.799
<v Speaker 1>Why was I the one always being cheated on? What

0:44:02.840 --> 0:44:05.360
<v Speaker 1>were all of these things having to do with me?

0:44:05.480 --> 0:44:08.280
<v Speaker 1>Why was that happening? It had to be a meat problem,

0:44:09.200 --> 0:44:12.120
<v Speaker 1>and so when he had first started doing this, I

0:44:12.239 --> 0:44:17.840
<v Speaker 1>recall feeling just very vulnerable and like it was my fault,

0:44:18.480 --> 0:44:21.120
<v Speaker 1>even though looking back now I absolutely know that it

0:44:21.160 --> 0:44:23.319
<v Speaker 1>was not. I couldn't come to terms with that. That

0:44:23.400 --> 0:44:25.680
<v Speaker 1>was another thing that took me a while to understand

0:44:25.719 --> 0:44:28.719
<v Speaker 1>that this wasn't my fault. That while I was in

0:44:28.760 --> 0:44:32.560
<v Speaker 1>the relationship and I had things to work on because

0:44:32.600 --> 0:44:37.239
<v Speaker 1>of that, me being a victim of abuse was not

0:44:37.320 --> 0:44:40.120
<v Speaker 1>my fault. I can recall the moment when it first

0:44:40.120 --> 0:44:44.440
<v Speaker 1>started getting physically abusive. He shoved me into the shower

0:44:45.040 --> 0:44:48.480
<v Speaker 1>and I kind of thought to myself, Oh, well that's

0:44:48.920 --> 0:44:51.239
<v Speaker 1>that's not horrible. We just, you know, got an altercation.

0:44:51.960 --> 0:44:55.239
<v Speaker 1>And then a few days later he was acting very

0:44:55.239 --> 0:44:59.400
<v Speaker 1>aggressive towards my dog, Remy. And anybody who knows me

0:44:59.760 --> 0:45:02.759
<v Speaker 1>no is that my dog Remy is my lifeline. She

0:45:02.960 --> 0:45:06.160
<v Speaker 1>is my everything. So do see him act that way

0:45:06.200 --> 0:45:08.920
<v Speaker 1>towards her brought out a different side of me. I

0:45:08.960 --> 0:45:14.280
<v Speaker 1>started becoming very angry back with him. I wasn't docile,

0:45:14.440 --> 0:45:19.560
<v Speaker 1>I wasn't blaming myself. I was mad, and him doing

0:45:19.600 --> 0:45:22.960
<v Speaker 1>that in that moment was the start of the downturn

0:45:23.160 --> 0:45:27.080
<v Speaker 1>for us, because then I also remember moments in our relationship.

0:45:27.120 --> 0:45:29.239
<v Speaker 1>One time we were headed to a dinner and I

0:45:29.280 --> 0:45:31.319
<v Speaker 1>really wanted to pull over to save this dog that

0:45:31.360 --> 0:45:35.160
<v Speaker 1>I saw running and dodging traffic, and he was like, no,

0:45:35.320 --> 0:45:37.520
<v Speaker 1>we have places to be. You can't do this. It's

0:45:37.560 --> 0:45:40.160
<v Speaker 1>not allowed. And I was like not allowed, Like this

0:45:40.200 --> 0:45:42.200
<v Speaker 1>is who I am? What do you mean not allowed?

0:45:42.440 --> 0:45:44.319
<v Speaker 1>And he was like, you have to keep driving? And

0:45:44.400 --> 0:45:47.720
<v Speaker 1>I something that I wish I didn't do was continue driving.

0:45:47.800 --> 0:45:49.719
<v Speaker 1>I wish I would have pulled over and tried to

0:45:49.719 --> 0:45:53.279
<v Speaker 1>save that dog and did what identified for me, but

0:45:53.360 --> 0:45:56.959
<v Speaker 1>I couldn't. I was at this moment in survival mode.

0:45:57.080 --> 0:45:59.440
<v Speaker 1>I was just doing whatever I could to keep the peace,

0:46:00.200 --> 0:46:03.960
<v Speaker 1>and him doing that was another ticker that allowed me

0:46:04.040 --> 0:46:06.880
<v Speaker 1>to see things and start opening my eyes and understand

0:46:06.960 --> 0:46:09.600
<v Speaker 1>what was happening. There's another time we were driving on

0:46:09.600 --> 0:46:13.040
<v Speaker 1>one of the bridges here in Nashville and there was

0:46:13.080 --> 0:46:15.880
<v Speaker 1>a water bottle in the car and he got upset.

0:46:16.360 --> 0:46:18.920
<v Speaker 1>To me, I have no idea what that reason was,

0:46:19.440 --> 0:46:22.200
<v Speaker 1>but he got upset and he opened the water bottle

0:46:22.320 --> 0:46:26.319
<v Speaker 1>and splashed it all over me, and of course I

0:46:26.440 --> 0:46:30.000
<v Speaker 1>was incredibly upset because to my knowledge, I can't remember

0:46:30.000 --> 0:46:32.120
<v Speaker 1>what I did wrong that had upset him in this moment.

0:46:32.440 --> 0:46:35.080
<v Speaker 1>And then he all let me get out of the car. Mind,

0:46:35.160 --> 0:46:39.360
<v Speaker 1>you were on a bridge walking. It's midnight at this point,

0:46:39.520 --> 0:46:42.120
<v Speaker 1>and I got out of the car because I remember

0:46:42.160 --> 0:46:44.920
<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to be anywhere near him in that moment,

0:46:45.320 --> 0:46:46.960
<v Speaker 1>and so I was kind of happy that he was

0:46:47.040 --> 0:46:49.759
<v Speaker 1>kicking me out of the car. But I didn't have

0:46:50.360 --> 0:46:52.680
<v Speaker 1>any keys with me. I didn't have my own car.

0:46:52.760 --> 0:46:54.480
<v Speaker 1>How was I going to get home? I had my phone,

0:46:54.480 --> 0:46:56.319
<v Speaker 1>I could call an uber, but it was midnight and

0:46:56.360 --> 0:46:59.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm alone in a dark area of town and I'm

0:46:59.040 --> 0:47:01.600
<v Speaker 1>walking on this bridge and he's just driving next to me,

0:47:01.800 --> 0:47:06.040
<v Speaker 1>brading me, angry at me, and that moment sticks out

0:47:06.080 --> 0:47:08.880
<v Speaker 1>in my brain as well. In our relationship, it was

0:47:08.920 --> 0:47:11.480
<v Speaker 1>another tick. It was another thing that was going wrong.

0:47:11.680 --> 0:47:13.919
<v Speaker 1>And at this point you could listen and say, well,

0:47:13.960 --> 0:47:16.120
<v Speaker 1>both of those things happened at that point. Why didn't

0:47:16.120 --> 0:47:19.560
<v Speaker 1>you leave the relationship? That's always a question people who

0:47:19.600 --> 0:47:22.760
<v Speaker 1>are in abusive relationships get why didn't you leave sooner?

0:47:23.239 --> 0:47:26.719
<v Speaker 1>And he was so good, so manipulative, and so good

0:47:26.760 --> 0:47:30.399
<v Speaker 1>at controlling and gaslighting every scenario that he always made

0:47:30.400 --> 0:47:33.120
<v Speaker 1>me feel like it was my fault. Every time would

0:47:33.120 --> 0:47:36.040
<v Speaker 1>get in a fight, it was my fault. Those things

0:47:36.080 --> 0:47:38.120
<v Speaker 1>would happen, and he would twist the story in my

0:47:38.200 --> 0:47:40.520
<v Speaker 1>head and think that I did something wrong, and I

0:47:40.520 --> 0:47:44.680
<v Speaker 1>would take it and my brain couldn't compute what was happening.

0:47:45.320 --> 0:47:50.279
<v Speaker 1>I couldn't understand what was true, what was reality. He

0:47:50.440 --> 0:47:53.160
<v Speaker 1>was warping it. And so every time we'd get in

0:47:53.200 --> 0:47:56.879
<v Speaker 1>these fights, he'd come back, he'd bring flowers, he'd gosh,

0:47:56.960 --> 0:48:01.280
<v Speaker 1>there's so many times he did these grand, romantic gestures

0:48:01.320 --> 0:48:04.160
<v Speaker 1>after one of these things happened, and I'm like, Okay,

0:48:04.360 --> 0:48:08.280
<v Speaker 1>this is normal. I didn't know that it wasn't normal. Again,

0:48:08.280 --> 0:48:11.120
<v Speaker 1>I'd never experienced this before. I have no idea what's happening.

0:48:11.800 --> 0:48:14.319
<v Speaker 1>It didn't feel right and I didn't feel safe, but

0:48:14.760 --> 0:48:19.080
<v Speaker 1>I couldn't understand, and there was so much shame in

0:48:19.120 --> 0:48:20.960
<v Speaker 1>it that I didn't talk to anybody about it. I

0:48:21.000 --> 0:48:23.160
<v Speaker 1>didn't want to tell anybody that this was happening to me.

0:48:23.280 --> 0:48:25.800
<v Speaker 1>I was a shamed that I was in this. Anybody

0:48:25.840 --> 0:48:29.160
<v Speaker 1>who knows me know that I'm also incredibly driven, and

0:48:29.239 --> 0:48:31.520
<v Speaker 1>so to me, it was a problem. To fix. It

0:48:31.560 --> 0:48:36.239
<v Speaker 1>was something that I had to push forward and make

0:48:36.320 --> 0:48:39.160
<v Speaker 1>better because I was playing a role in this. After

0:48:39.200 --> 0:48:43.840
<v Speaker 1>that moment happened and a lot of apologies, it kept

0:48:43.880 --> 0:48:49.480
<v Speaker 1>progressing past that, and I'll save all the gosh details

0:48:49.480 --> 0:48:52.160
<v Speaker 1>of a lot of those incidentss These are the ones

0:48:52.200 --> 0:48:54.000
<v Speaker 1>that I can remember. There's a lot of things that

0:48:54.080 --> 0:48:55.840
<v Speaker 1>I blocked out. There's a lot of things that I

0:48:55.920 --> 0:48:59.160
<v Speaker 1>still can't quite recall, and I'm not sure the true

0:48:59.200 --> 0:49:02.719
<v Speaker 1>story on they were bad. One of the moments and

0:49:02.760 --> 0:49:06.279
<v Speaker 1>the end that I really recall was when he took

0:49:06.320 --> 0:49:10.399
<v Speaker 1>away my keys in my phone after an argument and

0:49:11.080 --> 0:49:14.480
<v Speaker 1>was trapping me inside my apartment. He was trying not

0:49:14.520 --> 0:49:16.880
<v Speaker 1>to let me leave. At the end, I was really

0:49:16.960 --> 0:49:20.120
<v Speaker 1>most afraid for Remy, my dog. And I know that

0:49:20.160 --> 0:49:24.560
<v Speaker 1>sounds crazy to think, well, she's not safe, why wouldn't

0:49:24.600 --> 0:49:27.040
<v Speaker 1>she care about her life? But I was in survival

0:49:27.120 --> 0:49:30.719
<v Speaker 1>mode for her, and honestly I didn't have Remy. I

0:49:30.760 --> 0:49:33.560
<v Speaker 1>don't know if I would have survived in a lot

0:49:33.560 --> 0:49:36.640
<v Speaker 1>of ways, because Remy was my motivation for getting out.

0:49:37.320 --> 0:49:40.560
<v Speaker 1>Seeing her and now she was being treated allowed me

0:49:40.600 --> 0:49:43.399
<v Speaker 1>to see it from a bigger picture and get out

0:49:43.440 --> 0:49:46.200
<v Speaker 1>for her. And so when we were arguing and he

0:49:46.239 --> 0:49:48.040
<v Speaker 1>took away my phone and my keys, and he was

0:49:48.080 --> 0:49:50.480
<v Speaker 1>trying to trap me in my apartment. I had Remy

0:49:50.480 --> 0:49:53.880
<v Speaker 1>in my arms, which Remmy's a twenty pounds dog, so

0:49:53.920 --> 0:49:56.359
<v Speaker 1>it's kind of heavy, but I'm holding her, and I'm

0:49:56.400 --> 0:49:59.560
<v Speaker 1>waiting for a moment, any moment that I have to

0:49:59.640 --> 0:50:01.960
<v Speaker 1>just get out of the apartment. I didn't have shoes on,

0:50:02.600 --> 0:50:04.120
<v Speaker 1>I did't have keys, I didn't have a phone. I

0:50:04.160 --> 0:50:06.719
<v Speaker 1>didn't care. I just wanted to get out. And when

0:50:06.719 --> 0:50:09.160
<v Speaker 1>I got out, I didn't even yell for help. And

0:50:09.200 --> 0:50:11.320
<v Speaker 1>I wish I could tell you why. I wish I

0:50:11.360 --> 0:50:13.400
<v Speaker 1>could look back on that and be like, why didn't

0:50:13.440 --> 0:50:15.840
<v Speaker 1>you just go to a door and ask somebody for help?

0:50:16.320 --> 0:50:18.800
<v Speaker 1>But in my brain, I was already planning my exit

0:50:19.160 --> 0:50:22.000
<v Speaker 1>and calling for help and calling the police just felt

0:50:22.080 --> 0:50:23.960
<v Speaker 1>like a lot of things I wasn't ready to handle.

0:50:24.640 --> 0:50:27.520
<v Speaker 1>So when I saw my out of the apartment in

0:50:27.560 --> 0:50:31.680
<v Speaker 1>this moment, I ran outside of the apartment complex and

0:50:31.800 --> 0:50:34.640
<v Speaker 1>Roomy and I hid in the bushes for two hours,

0:50:35.239 --> 0:50:38.280
<v Speaker 1>just hoping that he would calm down and stop looking

0:50:38.320 --> 0:50:41.879
<v Speaker 1>for us. I remember him yelling in the parking lot

0:50:41.920 --> 0:50:44.440
<v Speaker 1>trying to find us, and I didn't really know what

0:50:44.520 --> 0:50:47.800
<v Speaker 1>was going to happen, and eventually he did calm down,

0:50:47.920 --> 0:50:49.680
<v Speaker 1>and I remember that night I tried to ask him

0:50:49.680 --> 0:50:52.240
<v Speaker 1>to leave. I told him I didn't want him around.

0:50:52.520 --> 0:50:54.759
<v Speaker 1>This happened a lot. There's a lot of times I

0:50:54.840 --> 0:50:57.600
<v Speaker 1>tried to ask him to leave or give me space,

0:50:58.000 --> 0:50:59.759
<v Speaker 1>and he never would. So there was a lot of

0:50:59.760 --> 0:51:01.880
<v Speaker 1>sleepless nights. There was a lot of nights that I

0:51:01.920 --> 0:51:05.600
<v Speaker 1>slept next to somebody, afraid of what was to come.

0:51:06.239 --> 0:51:08.080
<v Speaker 1>And I don't know if you've ever had to do that,

0:51:08.200 --> 0:51:12.560
<v Speaker 1>but gosh, I'll take any sleepless night now over that.

0:51:12.920 --> 0:51:15.680
<v Speaker 1>A feeling of not knowing what's to come, that was

0:51:15.880 --> 0:51:19.280
<v Speaker 1>close to the end that moment that night. He braided

0:51:19.360 --> 0:51:23.520
<v Speaker 1>me really badly when I finally came back, because I

0:51:23.560 --> 0:51:26.600
<v Speaker 1>didn't have anywhere to go, and I had support systems.

0:51:26.600 --> 0:51:29.960
<v Speaker 1>I had wonderful family and friends, but none of them

0:51:30.239 --> 0:51:32.759
<v Speaker 1>knew any of this was going on. And that's what

0:51:32.800 --> 0:51:35.440
<v Speaker 1>they do to you. They keep you trapped, They keep

0:51:35.480 --> 0:51:38.200
<v Speaker 1>you isolated from everybody that you love. They don't want

0:51:38.239 --> 0:51:40.839
<v Speaker 1>you to spend time with them because you and them

0:51:40.880 --> 0:51:44.240
<v Speaker 1>should only be spending time together and together with other people.

0:51:44.920 --> 0:51:49.600
<v Speaker 1>So not only had I not told anybody, but again.

0:51:49.880 --> 0:51:53.000
<v Speaker 1>I also felt so much shame that I had found

0:51:53.040 --> 0:51:56.520
<v Speaker 1>myself in this situation. But the night that it finally ended,

0:51:56.840 --> 0:52:00.800
<v Speaker 1>then had I finally left. I'll never forget it because

0:52:01.320 --> 0:52:05.120
<v Speaker 1>my boss Bobby was competing and dancing with the Stars

0:52:05.680 --> 0:52:09.240
<v Speaker 1>and it was the championship night and we had gotten

0:52:09.280 --> 0:52:11.880
<v Speaker 1>into a My ex and I had gotten into a

0:52:12.080 --> 0:52:15.160
<v Speaker 1>huge fight over something that was talked about on the show.

0:52:15.200 --> 0:52:18.640
<v Speaker 1>I think it was comparing the guys who's the hottest

0:52:18.640 --> 0:52:21.480
<v Speaker 1>on our show, and he was so mad that I

0:52:21.600 --> 0:52:26.200
<v Speaker 1>participated in that, and I just remember finally being like,

0:52:26.320 --> 0:52:29.799
<v Speaker 1>I'm done. I don't care what you say. I don't care.

0:52:29.840 --> 0:52:33.520
<v Speaker 1>None of this is reality. I had finally gotten the

0:52:33.520 --> 0:52:37.279
<v Speaker 1>glasses to come off, the trauma bond to break. I

0:52:37.360 --> 0:52:42.400
<v Speaker 1>had finally broken, and Remy was worth every ounce of

0:52:42.440 --> 0:52:45.239
<v Speaker 1>fighting for for me. And so that night when we

0:52:45.280 --> 0:52:47.799
<v Speaker 1>got into that fight, I got really lucky because he

0:52:47.920 --> 0:52:50.840
<v Speaker 1>had a game to go play with some friends. And

0:52:50.880 --> 0:52:53.040
<v Speaker 1>when he was away at his game, I packed up

0:52:53.080 --> 0:52:55.960
<v Speaker 1>everything in my apartment that I could in a big suitcase,

0:52:56.480 --> 0:53:00.759
<v Speaker 1>and thankfully we were right around Thanksgiving break. So I

0:53:00.840 --> 0:53:04.799
<v Speaker 1>call the girlfriend, and this girlfriend saved my life. I

0:53:04.840 --> 0:53:08.160
<v Speaker 1>called her without hesitation, she welcomed to me and Remy

0:53:08.200 --> 0:53:10.160
<v Speaker 1>in to stay the night until I could get on

0:53:10.239 --> 0:53:13.120
<v Speaker 1>a flight the next morning and head home. And I

0:53:13.120 --> 0:53:16.799
<v Speaker 1>will never be able to repay that French for what

0:53:16.960 --> 0:53:19.719
<v Speaker 1>she did for me. That was a really hard night,

0:53:19.880 --> 0:53:22.439
<v Speaker 1>because he called and he would contemplate suicide and he'd

0:53:22.440 --> 0:53:25.000
<v Speaker 1>send pictures. I got a picture of him putting a

0:53:25.000 --> 0:53:27.279
<v Speaker 1>belt on my ceiling fan, saying he was going to

0:53:27.320 --> 0:53:29.680
<v Speaker 1>commit suicide if I didn't come home or I didn't

0:53:29.719 --> 0:53:33.320
<v Speaker 1>call him back. And that friend helped me hold strong

0:53:34.040 --> 0:53:36.520
<v Speaker 1>and say you can't do this, made me turn off

0:53:36.560 --> 0:53:39.719
<v Speaker 1>my phone, and she kept me safe. She made sure

0:53:39.719 --> 0:53:42.120
<v Speaker 1>I ate, And then that next morning, I mean, I

0:53:42.160 --> 0:53:45.319
<v Speaker 1>flew home. I told my parents everything, and I asked

0:53:45.320 --> 0:53:47.319
<v Speaker 1>them to keep Remy from me so I could get out,

0:53:47.920 --> 0:53:50.320
<v Speaker 1>because I knew that if Remy was safe, then I

0:53:50.360 --> 0:53:53.200
<v Speaker 1>could start to focus on me and find my exit,

0:53:54.360 --> 0:53:57.719
<v Speaker 1>and I did. After that week break, I came back,

0:53:57.760 --> 0:54:02.240
<v Speaker 1>and there was lots of arguming and lots of scary moments,

0:54:03.160 --> 0:54:04.799
<v Speaker 1>and a lot of things that I had to do

0:54:04.920 --> 0:54:10.000
<v Speaker 1>to get him out what I did, And there's some

0:54:10.160 --> 0:54:15.400
<v Speaker 1>regret on my side that I never filed for protection

0:54:16.360 --> 0:54:20.560
<v Speaker 1>against him or charged him, because I never would want

0:54:20.640 --> 0:54:23.120
<v Speaker 1>him to do that to anybody else. But I also

0:54:23.280 --> 0:54:26.040
<v Speaker 1>know what our system looks like when it comes to

0:54:26.200 --> 0:54:30.920
<v Speaker 1>domestic violence, and I also know that I was still

0:54:30.960 --> 0:54:34.480
<v Speaker 1>in a lot of shame and really still dealing with

0:54:34.600 --> 0:54:37.560
<v Speaker 1>everything that I had just experienced. And the following weeks,

0:54:37.560 --> 0:54:41.000
<v Speaker 1>as I ended that relationship and forced no contact and

0:54:41.560 --> 0:54:44.719
<v Speaker 1>changed locks and did everything that I possibly could. I mean,

0:54:44.760 --> 0:54:47.160
<v Speaker 1>he was still following me. I'd be out with friends,

0:54:47.440 --> 0:54:49.640
<v Speaker 1>trying to get my mind off things, and he would

0:54:49.680 --> 0:54:52.280
<v Speaker 1>follow me home from a bar and he'd be racing

0:54:52.320 --> 0:54:56.040
<v Speaker 1>his car next to mine. Very erratic, very terrifying. He

0:54:56.200 --> 0:54:58.759
<v Speaker 1>keeped my car. He was peeking into the windows of

0:54:58.800 --> 0:55:00.399
<v Speaker 1>my house to see if I was home or if

0:55:00.400 --> 0:55:04.839
<v Speaker 1>somebody was there with me. And finally, you know, I

0:55:04.920 --> 0:55:07.040
<v Speaker 1>call his parents and was like, you have to get

0:55:07.120 --> 0:55:10.480
<v Speaker 1>him to stop or I will file against him. So

0:55:10.760 --> 0:55:12.400
<v Speaker 1>that's what you guys would like me to do. I can't.

0:55:12.880 --> 0:55:14.319
<v Speaker 1>And that was the only way I knew how to

0:55:14.360 --> 0:55:17.560
<v Speaker 1>get him to stop, because somewhere or another, he still

0:55:17.560 --> 0:55:20.000
<v Speaker 1>had a relationship with his family and they did get

0:55:20.040 --> 0:55:23.040
<v Speaker 1>him to stop. Eventually. I haven't spoken to this man

0:55:23.200 --> 0:55:25.640
<v Speaker 1>since I left. Part of why I bought my house.

0:55:25.719 --> 0:55:28.239
<v Speaker 1>What I did was for safety. It was a new

0:55:28.280 --> 0:55:31.560
<v Speaker 1>place to live where he hopefully couldn't find me. It

0:55:31.600 --> 0:55:35.799
<v Speaker 1>had this is why I have Fort Knox here, and

0:55:36.200 --> 0:55:38.920
<v Speaker 1>I made friends with my neighbors. People knew what he

0:55:38.960 --> 0:55:43.719
<v Speaker 1>looked like, so I had community again and I had

0:55:43.760 --> 0:55:47.600
<v Speaker 1>my whole support a system back after being isolated. And

0:55:47.640 --> 0:55:50.160
<v Speaker 1>then after that relationship, it took me a really long

0:55:50.200 --> 0:55:53.200
<v Speaker 1>time to heal and it's not a relationship that I

0:55:53.239 --> 0:55:56.360
<v Speaker 1>wished for anybody to ever be a man or a woman.

0:55:57.200 --> 0:56:00.560
<v Speaker 1>And there's even still a lot of pain sharing this

0:56:00.640 --> 0:56:05.600
<v Speaker 1>story today, because there's still shame, there's still sadness. But

0:56:05.719 --> 0:56:09.200
<v Speaker 1>I have healed and learned so much about who I am,

0:56:10.160 --> 0:56:13.200
<v Speaker 1>and if anything, I want this journal entry to be

0:56:13.480 --> 0:56:18.520
<v Speaker 1>a hopeful reminder for people who may find themselves in

0:56:18.560 --> 0:56:22.000
<v Speaker 1>these situations that there is a way out, that you

0:56:22.080 --> 0:56:26.160
<v Speaker 1>should get out, you will be okay again, that you

0:56:26.160 --> 0:56:29.759
<v Speaker 1>can be safe, that going to bed every night afraid

0:56:30.680 --> 0:56:34.480
<v Speaker 1>and in survival mode is not normal and not okay.

0:56:35.040 --> 0:56:37.680
<v Speaker 1>That's my only hope for sharing all of this is

0:56:37.719 --> 0:56:42.360
<v Speaker 1>that maybe somebody leaves. And I don't think in my

0:56:42.600 --> 0:56:45.120
<v Speaker 1>entire life this will ever be a story I can

0:56:45.120 --> 0:56:48.399
<v Speaker 1>share without getting emotional. It's just going to be part

0:56:48.400 --> 0:56:51.240
<v Speaker 1>of that and it will be part of my story,

0:56:51.800 --> 0:56:54.160
<v Speaker 1>but one that I feel like needs to be heard.

0:56:54.320 --> 0:56:57.560
<v Speaker 1>My voice needs to be heard because I don't want

0:56:57.560 --> 0:57:01.000
<v Speaker 1>anybody to stay in a relationship that is like this.

0:57:01.280 --> 0:57:06.440
<v Speaker 1>I want people to be safely and securely loved and

0:57:06.480 --> 0:57:09.440
<v Speaker 1>cared for because we all deserve that. And I know

0:57:09.480 --> 0:57:11.120
<v Speaker 1>that there's going to be some people who have a

0:57:11.120 --> 0:57:14.320
<v Speaker 1>lot to say that I share the story, and that's okay.

0:57:15.040 --> 0:57:16.400
<v Speaker 1>I also know there's a lot of people that are

0:57:16.400 --> 0:57:21.000
<v Speaker 1>not going to understand why I share the story, and

0:57:21.080 --> 0:57:23.720
<v Speaker 1>that's okay too. But for the people that need to

0:57:23.760 --> 0:57:27.600
<v Speaker 1>hear it, I hope it finds you. I also want

0:57:27.640 --> 0:57:32.440
<v Speaker 1>to make something very clear, there is nothing verbal, emotional,

0:57:32.560 --> 0:57:39.680
<v Speaker 1>or physical abuse that is ever okay in any relationship, friendship, family, relationship.

0:57:40.160 --> 0:57:45.800
<v Speaker 1>You should always deserve the right to be respected and

0:57:45.960 --> 0:57:49.800
<v Speaker 1>listen to and understood and dealt with compassion. So if

0:57:49.840 --> 0:57:52.360
<v Speaker 1>you ever find yourself in these situations and you don't

0:57:52.400 --> 0:57:54.760
<v Speaker 1>feel like you have support, I hope you reach out

0:57:54.760 --> 0:57:57.960
<v Speaker 1>to me. I'd rather you feel like you have someone

0:57:58.320 --> 0:58:01.600
<v Speaker 1>than no one, because I miss you. You two and

0:58:01.640 --> 0:58:03.640
<v Speaker 1>there is always a way to get through this, and

0:58:03.680 --> 0:58:05.800
<v Speaker 1>there's a way to get out, and I want that

0:58:05.840 --> 0:58:09.160
<v Speaker 1>for anybody who is dealing with this, has dealt with this.

0:58:09.960 --> 0:58:13.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm also the person who can proudly say here that

0:58:13.120 --> 0:58:15.880
<v Speaker 1>I am healed. It's also why looking for love is

0:58:15.920 --> 0:58:19.200
<v Speaker 1>so hard for me, because I truly am looking for

0:58:19.280 --> 0:58:24.160
<v Speaker 1>the right, safe, secure partner and that is honestly hard

0:58:24.200 --> 0:58:27.680
<v Speaker 1>to find. It's going to take a special person to

0:58:27.760 --> 0:58:32.560
<v Speaker 1>trust my heart with, and I've had good experiences recently

0:58:32.680 --> 0:58:34.880
<v Speaker 1>because of the work that I've done on myself, because

0:58:34.920 --> 0:58:39.080
<v Speaker 1>of the time, attention, and care I put into healing

0:58:40.040 --> 0:58:43.120
<v Speaker 1>after this relationship. But there will always be a scar

0:58:43.720 --> 0:58:47.840
<v Speaker 1>and it will always exist. The best part about scars, though,

0:58:48.680 --> 0:58:52.360
<v Speaker 1>is they tell a story, and that's my story. Thanks

0:58:52.440 --> 0:58:54.800
<v Speaker 1>for listening to it. Thanks for listening to this episode.

0:58:55.520 --> 0:58:59.480
<v Speaker 1>If nothing else, I hope it brought awareness and I

0:58:59.520 --> 0:59:03.280
<v Speaker 1>hope you are able to be kind to yourself and

0:59:03.400 --> 0:59:05.760
<v Speaker 1>make sure you always surround yourself with people who are

0:59:05.840 --> 0:59:07.680
<v Speaker 1>kind to you. Thanks for being here.