1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,080 Speaker 1: Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area, 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:06,640 Speaker 1: you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,520 Speaker 1: don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why, 4 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:11,479 Speaker 1: you don't need to do a deep dive. The more 5 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: energy that you put into something that feels negative in 6 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,479 Speaker 1: your life, the more negativity is coming into your life. 7 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,239 Speaker 1: And if that person doesn't want you in their life, 8 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,720 Speaker 1: that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't 9 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,919 Speaker 1: mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean 10 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,759 Speaker 1: that your energies do not match, and that is so fine. 11 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 1: I'm Raley W. Kiah and on my podcast A Really 12 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:33,720 Speaker 1: Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing 13 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and 14 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find 15 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 1: comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode 16 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,880 Speaker 1: of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell 17 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story 18 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 1: because it's actually been something that I found really difficult 19 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,639 Speaker 1: to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons, 20 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: but my main reason for sharing the story is because 21 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 1: I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often, 22 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: and we end up seeing people with these beautiful friendships online. 23 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: You see people together, and to be honest, I have 24 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: some really great friendships in my life that I am 25 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples 26 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 1: of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to 27 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,880 Speaker 1: let you guys in on the times I've been epically 28 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 1: rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me 29 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,960 Speaker 1: within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways 30 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because 31 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 1: I learned a lesson to throw it about things I 32 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in 33 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 1: rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that 34 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason, 35 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 1: even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people 36 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: just do not want to be your friend, and that 37 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 1: is the harsh reality. But we get back up and 38 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 1: we try again. So I'm gonna really summarized this very 39 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 1: long story, but essentially I met this girl and she 40 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 1: was lovely. Lots of people would tell us that we 41 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 1: would really get along, and so I was like, oh, 42 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:13,880 Speaker 1: this is going to be an exciting new friendship. Anyway, 43 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,799 Speaker 1: we kind of had an online friendship for a while 44 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 1: before we actually met in person, and honestly, that online 45 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:26,120 Speaker 1: friendship seemed nice and supportive. We ended up finally going 46 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 1: to I think it was like an event or something 47 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: that we were meant to be going to. And before 48 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:33,239 Speaker 1: that we scheduled to meet up and have a really 49 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 1: nice dinner. And honestly, when I went there, we had 50 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 1: such a great time. We got along really well. I 51 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 1: felt like we had a good conversation. You know, I 52 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,359 Speaker 1: felt like it was going to be a friendship for 53 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 1: a long time. I think she had just launched something 54 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 1: or something big had happened in her life, and I 55 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: took her a little gift to say congratulations, and you know, 56 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 1: it felt like a friendship worth investing in. I think 57 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,799 Speaker 1: that we had consistently been messaging each other. I can't 58 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 1: remember what about, but you know, just the Hayes highs 59 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,919 Speaker 1: and trying to schedule. Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if 60 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:05,640 Speaker 1: we'd gone back and forth about a date, and then 61 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,520 Speaker 1: I kind of forget to respond. That's something that I'm 62 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,080 Speaker 1: really working on and have worked on a lot. After 63 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,200 Speaker 1: reflecting on this story, like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating, 64 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,960 Speaker 1: but at the same time, when it's a new friendship 65 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,799 Speaker 1: can kind of give people grace, right You're like, Okay, 66 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,800 Speaker 1: they probably do have other things going on. And I 67 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,400 Speaker 1: felt the same with her. You know, she would come here, 68 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 1: we wouldn't necessarily get to meet each other. But I 69 00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: was like, dirt, obviously she's not going to prioritize me. 70 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,640 Speaker 1: We're not that close. But still I wanted to continue 71 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 1: and try and build a friendship. And then I was 72 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 1: like reaching out to all my friends and people that 73 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: I wanted to send my book to and I was 74 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,560 Speaker 1: so excited and I was like, I'd love to send 75 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,200 Speaker 1: you my book and she was like, no, no, I'll 76 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: I'll buy it. And I was like, oh, that's so sweet, 77 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,520 Speaker 1: but I would love to send it to you because 78 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,360 Speaker 1: I actually have a gift that's going out to some 79 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: of my friends with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe 80 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 1: I've done something wrong, maybe something's happened. I in writed 81 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,600 Speaker 1: it to a few things. She said no, and then 82 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,160 Speaker 1: I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about 83 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional, 84 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,160 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's 85 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 1: misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment. 86 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: We don't have to be good friends, but I just 87 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 1: want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and 88 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,720 Speaker 1: that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I 89 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: see you and I wish you well. You see me 90 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me 91 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like, 92 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I 93 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 1: want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because 94 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: I would feel terrible if that's what you think. And 95 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,480 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way, 96 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: like would love to talk about it. So anyway. She 97 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,719 Speaker 1: then ends up messaging me back, I think like six 98 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 1: days later or something, being like, oh no, it wasn't 99 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: about you. If you want to send me the book, 100 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries. 101 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 1: And I then felt like you know when you just 102 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: feel like the energy is not right between you, like 103 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So 104 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 1: then I end up reaching out again, like I think 105 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 1: a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd 106 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,599 Speaker 1: love to just sit down and chat and just catch 107 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 1: up and and hope you're well blah blah blah. Basically, 108 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh, 109 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,919 Speaker 1: this is a bit weird because I saw that she 110 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,160 Speaker 1: was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker, 111 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 1: I know, but this is something I'm working on. And 112 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 1: then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I 113 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,159 Speaker 1: then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you 114 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you. 115 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me, 116 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: but then also I no longer follow her, so like 117 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 1: maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows 118 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 1: both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay, 119 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done 120 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: something to fully offend her. So then I reached out 121 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 1: to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't 122 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 1: know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like, 123 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 1: have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I 124 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 1: have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't 125 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,039 Speaker 1: think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just 126 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 1: trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in 127 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,280 Speaker 1: her life, and I was like, what have I done 128 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 1: for her to not want me in my life? Anyway? 129 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 1: It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything. 130 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 1: I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted 131 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 1: was to just have a comversation, just to make sure 132 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 1: that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I 133 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,719 Speaker 1: also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe 134 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: I gave off the energy that I didn't want to 135 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 1: be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I 136 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and 137 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 1: it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and 138 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,559 Speaker 1: at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone 139 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: go to such an extreme measure with something that I 140 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things 141 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 1: can be small to you but then also big to 142 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 1: the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected, 143 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation, 144 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want 145 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,919 Speaker 1: to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay, 146 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,840 Speaker 1: you need to stop because this is getting a little 147 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,719 Speaker 1: bit crazy and you need to ease off. You need 148 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: to like you need to be okay. If someone doesn't 149 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,360 Speaker 1: like you, they just don't like you. And I realized 150 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,000 Speaker 1: that I had struggled with that throughout my life, and 151 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,279 Speaker 1: it was a really good lesson for me to remind 152 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: myself that I really have to work on that practice 153 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: that rejection, whether it's in friendship and work in any area, 154 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:02,240 Speaker 1: you have to remin but that sometimes it's just okay. 155 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: You don't need an explanation, you don't need to find 156 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: out why, you don't need to do a deep dive. 157 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 1: The more energy that you put into something that feels 158 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: negative in your life, the more negativity is coming into 159 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: your life. And if that person doesn't want you in 160 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: their life, that is okay. Doesn't mean that that person 161 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 1: is terrible, doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong. It 162 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,280 Speaker 1: may just mean that your energies do not match. And 163 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,880 Speaker 1: that is so fine someone to sell that story, because 164 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,440 Speaker 1: I'm sure, in some rendition or some way in your life, 165 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: you've been through a situation where you don't know why 166 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 1: someone has stopped being your friend or why that person 167 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,280 Speaker 1: doesn't want to be a friend. No matter how much 168 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 1: effort you put in the problem, that we most of 169 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: us go through is that we focus on the people 170 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,720 Speaker 1: or the things that actually give us the least amount 171 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: of attention, and then we don't focus on the people 172 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,120 Speaker 1: or the things that actually provide us with so much 173 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 1: joy and actually give us so much love and attention 174 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,640 Speaker 1: in our life. It also taught me lessons that I 175 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: have recently worked on when it comes to communication and friendship, 176 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,280 Speaker 1: and so what I wanted to do. I want to 177 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,240 Speaker 1: go through some of the things that I've learned that 178 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: have actually allowed me to make some of the best 179 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,320 Speaker 1: friends that I've ever had in my life. But also 180 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 1: I shared that story so that you understood that also 181 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself out there 182 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 1: is not an easy is not an easy journey, but 183 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,280 Speaker 1: it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends, and 184 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,120 Speaker 1: they've come in some of the most beautiful ways. And 185 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,320 Speaker 1: you know, I've had to reset completely in my life 186 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,040 Speaker 1: in so many different phases of my life, whether it 187 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: was moving to New York City where I literally knew nobody, 188 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 1: and then I moved from New York to la where 189 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 1: I literally didn't know anybody either, or within the space 190 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 1: of a couple of years, so I actually had to 191 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,080 Speaker 1: reset completely each time. I had to find new friends 192 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,959 Speaker 1: and then also make time to invest in the friends 193 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: that I already had back in London. And for anybody 194 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 1: that struggles with making friends, you know, when we were younger, 195 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:42,600 Speaker 1: we were put in a lot of situations where a 196 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,960 Speaker 1: lot of our friendships were situational. So whether it's school 197 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 1: or whether it's college, we're kind of forced into these 198 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 1: environments where making friends is a big part of why 199 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 1: we are there. And so as we become adults, we're 200 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,000 Speaker 1: put into less situations like that. When you're a child, 201 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:01,720 Speaker 1: you make friends on in the playground or activities after school, 202 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: or sports teams or like me, playing violin, or you 203 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 1: go to your swim classes afterwards, and you create different 204 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,000 Speaker 1: friends because of the activities that you do. Your parents 205 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: facilitate that for you, and friendships doing childhood are also 206 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,280 Speaker 1: so much simpler most of the time because we don't 207 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 1: have the baggage or the complexities of adult life or 208 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: responsibilities or expectations that we've built over the things that 209 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: we've been through in our life. And so I remember 210 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,240 Speaker 1: going through these phases of my life where I was like, oh, 211 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,560 Speaker 1: the more friends I have, the better. I need to 212 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,839 Speaker 1: pile them up. And then I went through phases where 213 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 1: I'd been burned and I had my walls up, and 214 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:34,839 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I only need a few good 215 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 1: friends in my life. And I actually realized now that 216 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,600 Speaker 1: both the narratives for me were wrong. One thing I 217 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 1: do know is that connection and community can completely make 218 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 1: or break you. I have so many friends who, when 219 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: I moved to LA would tell me just how much 220 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 1: they disliked LA because they had not built a community 221 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 1: or made good friends. Then as soon as they found 222 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: their people or their community, they completely shifted their mood 223 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,600 Speaker 1: and loved LA again. They felt like they had found 224 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 1: their place. And I always say this, I'm like, you 225 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,439 Speaker 1: can go anywhere in the world, and if you find 226 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 1: community and if you find good friendship, it can feel 227 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: like home. If you don't find that, it will not 228 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,360 Speaker 1: feel like home. And that's why LA for me, was 229 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,080 Speaker 1: such a beautiful space, because I really cultivated so many 230 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,080 Speaker 1: friendships here that it began to feel like family. It 231 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: began to feel like we had a community around us. 232 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:22,679 Speaker 1: You know, community is what we're built for. We literally 233 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 1: as humans are built to live together, to be together. 234 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:27,560 Speaker 1: And I think lack of community is a big part 235 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 1: of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually, 236 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,080 Speaker 1: if I think about it, I've made some of my 237 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,520 Speaker 1: closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a 238 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,240 Speaker 1: fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating. 239 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: I will say that because it takes a lot of investment. 240 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 1: You also have to start going out on dates. You 241 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,200 Speaker 1: have to feel it out. You have to see if 242 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,200 Speaker 1: you like the person, you like their qualities, you like 243 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 1: what they do, how you like spending time with them. 244 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,680 Speaker 1: And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we 245 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 1: first moved to New York, j You would keep trying 246 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,560 Speaker 1: to set me up with every single girl that he 247 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,080 Speaker 1: possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you, 248 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these 249 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 1: gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But 250 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: at the same time, I was like, listen, I need 251 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,320 Speaker 1: to do this by myself. I do not need you 252 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,560 Speaker 1: to be responsible for my friend life. And I get it. 253 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,080 Speaker 1: Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh, 254 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: that person may not be really nice, or they already 255 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,440 Speaker 1: have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah, 256 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling 257 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,920 Speaker 1: yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to 258 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't 259 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,240 Speaker 1: end up even trying to make friends. And you have 260 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 1: to think in your mind, do I want friends or 261 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 1: do I not? And so you can keep building this 262 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,240 Speaker 1: narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out 263 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,320 Speaker 1: there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and 264 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 1: space into a friendship, you can't expect it to grow 265 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,960 Speaker 1: and look. Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships, 266 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: and I found some really solid ones. So I thought 267 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,960 Speaker 1: i'd just share some of my reflections and hope that 268 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,520 Speaker 1: it helps you to create your community too. So my 269 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,760 Speaker 1: first piece of advice is do not shut people off 270 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,199 Speaker 1: too fast. Give people a second chance. I learned that 271 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,360 Speaker 1: from the situation I told you about at the beginning 272 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 1: of this podcast. I've learned that through my own fault 273 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: that I've made in friendships before, where I met someone 274 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: once and I judged them based on that one interaction, 275 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: and then I'm like, wait, I meet them again in 276 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe they're in 277 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: a different mood, and I really like them as a person, 278 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:15,720 Speaker 1: and I then want to spend time with them. So 279 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,400 Speaker 1: I really think you have to give people more than 280 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 1: one chance in your friend's circle, Like would you not 281 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,840 Speaker 1: want someone to give you more than one chance? And 282 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 1: if you would, then why would you not do that 283 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,920 Speaker 1: for somebody else. I recently had a guest on that 284 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: was talking about dating, and she said, ideally you should 285 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 1: do a minimum of two dates to actually make an 286 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,079 Speaker 1: informed decision. And I think that's true, whether it's a 287 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,960 Speaker 1: relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays we just ghost 288 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:42,559 Speaker 1: and cut people off so fast, like no explanation, no conversation, 289 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,560 Speaker 1: no chance given, and we just cut them off because 290 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 1: we're like, oh, you know what, We'll find someone else. 291 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,600 Speaker 1: But I think having a wide group of friends and 292 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:52,200 Speaker 1: friends for different things is actually a really integral part 293 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: of having a community. You don't have to be best 294 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,160 Speaker 1: friends with everyone, and that's the mistake we make. We're like, 295 00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,040 Speaker 1: but I don't feel like that person's my best friend, 296 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,559 Speaker 1: and I don't feel like I can tell everything where 297 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 1: you don't have to. I have friends who I work 298 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,719 Speaker 1: out with or play sports with. I have friends who 299 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,640 Speaker 1: are my FOODI friends who I know I can go 300 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: to fund exciting food adventures with or send them some 301 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: fun recipes that I can't wait to make. I have 302 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,240 Speaker 1: my spiritual group of friends that I connect with on 303 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 1: practices and fundamental values. I have friends that I know 304 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,480 Speaker 1: I have a good night out with, and then I 305 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,720 Speaker 1: have couple friends that me and Jay hang out with together. 306 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 1: They don't all meet all my needs, and that's not 307 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,959 Speaker 1: what friends are supposed to do. I think the point 308 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 1: is you find different friends, and you find the one 309 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,520 Speaker 1: thing or the two things that you enjoy doing or 310 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: that you love about them, and then you work off 311 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 1: that every single person has flaws, every single person is 312 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,599 Speaker 1: working on something, every single person has weeds. We cannot 313 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,080 Speaker 1: expect the people that we meet to be perfect because we, 314 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,559 Speaker 1: down well are not perfect, and so you can't expect 315 00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:48,400 Speaker 1: perfection from other people. So now when I meet someone, 316 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,400 Speaker 1: I think about how do I enjoy spending time with 317 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,760 Speaker 1: them most. Maybe I don't love sitting with them one 318 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,960 Speaker 1: on one, but that doesn't mean I don't like them. 319 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 1: It just means maybe we connect better in another way. 320 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: So on in write them out to a workout or 321 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: with an other group setting. And of course you have 322 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,320 Speaker 1: to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy you or bore you, 323 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,679 Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, you are investing 324 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 1: time and energy and you're fitting them into your life 325 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,680 Speaker 1: and into your circle. But if they have the basic 326 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,439 Speaker 1: qualities that you like in a person, then why take 327 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 1: away a potential friend from your life? And on that note, 328 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,640 Speaker 1: I guess my second piece of advice would be figure 329 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,880 Speaker 1: out what your basic values or qualities are that you 330 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: like in a friend. I realize in my life because 331 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: I have my sister or my mom, I don't really 332 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 1: need a friend to confide in or help me through 333 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 1: my hard times because Jay and then my family are 334 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: those crutches for me. They're the people that I turn to. 335 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,680 Speaker 1: But living away from my family, I do appreciate friends 336 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: that I can do family style things with, like hang 337 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 1: out and play games, or have dinners together, or be 338 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: able to call and rely on if my car broke 339 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,360 Speaker 1: down or if I need a last minute favor, and 340 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,680 Speaker 1: I would want to be there for them in that 341 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,760 Speaker 1: way too. I also have quickly learned how to identify 342 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:55,800 Speaker 1: when people start displaying certain qualities that are deal breakers 343 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,080 Speaker 1: for me, like the things that I fundamentally know I 344 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 1: do not appreciate friends anymore. And also there were things 345 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 1: that I used to do when I was in dark 346 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,680 Speaker 1: times in my life, and so I've noticed that when 347 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: people do do these things, it involves being in a 348 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,400 Speaker 1: dark space in your own life. One of those fundamental 349 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 1: things and non negotiables for me is if someone is 350 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:19,120 Speaker 1: talking behind someone else's back for absolutely no reason, because 351 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 1: you know what, if they're sharing something about someone else 352 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 1: with you, especially when your friendship is new, then it's 353 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,200 Speaker 1: more than likely that they're saying something about you to 354 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 1: somebody else, and especially if it's not relevant to your life, 355 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,640 Speaker 1: like if it is just pure gossip where you're being 356 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 1: told information about somebody else's life and it has nothing 357 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 1: to do with you, that to me is not a 358 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: sign of a good friend. And you know, I've noticed 359 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: and I think I used to do this when I 360 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,240 Speaker 1: was younger, where you end up telling people information because 361 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 1: you think it brings you closer, Like I'll tell you 362 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,280 Speaker 1: something about this person. You tell me something about this person, 363 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,960 Speaker 1: and we're kind of bonding over this secret. But you 364 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: don't need to have secrets to be friends, Like you 365 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,120 Speaker 1: can just have great energy together, you can have fun together. 366 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,640 Speaker 1: You don't need to have secrets between you to actually 367 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 1: be good friends. So figure out and reflect on your 368 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 1: past friendships and what would the deal breakers for you. 369 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 1: Next up, I would say, be okay with finding friends 370 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 1: in the most unexpected places. Listen. I have met some 371 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 1: of my closest friends in the most random ways, the 372 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,640 Speaker 1: most bizarre ways. Whether it was the lift in my building, 373 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 1: whether it was that random events and I've invinted them 374 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: to my house, whether I was cooking for the fires 375 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: and I reached out to a girl that I'd never 376 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: met who has now become one of my best friends. 377 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 1: Whether it is me getting slapped when I was a 378 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 1: teenager and through that slap I found one of my 379 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: best friends. I know you want to hear this story, 380 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 1: so I'm going to go into it. I think I 381 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,600 Speaker 1: was probably definitely younger than sixteen. I think I was 382 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,560 Speaker 1: maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to this event. This ridiculous girl, 383 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 1: who had obviously nothing better to do, had told this 384 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 1: rowdy friend of hers that I'd said something about her. 385 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,320 Speaker 1: I literally did not even know who she was. I 386 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,320 Speaker 1: go up to them. They're standing in a group thinking 387 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,600 Speaker 1: that they're all bad, as you do when you're a 388 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: fifteen year old girl with all your girl group friends. 389 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,240 Speaker 1: They were like, you know, the popular girls. And this 390 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,399 Speaker 1: girl just says, did you say something about me? And 391 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,880 Speaker 1: I was like no, and she just slaps me around 392 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,920 Speaker 1: the face in front of all of them. The girl 393 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 1: that told her was laughing. Everyone was like having a 394 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,359 Speaker 1: good old time. I obviously ran off crying because what 395 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 1: the hell. I then ended up telling one of my 396 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,359 Speaker 1: friends that I went to school with and I had 397 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:21,000 Speaker 1: become really good friends with her boyfriend who went to 398 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 1: another school. He then is like, listen, I'm going to 399 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,199 Speaker 1: sort this out for you. No one does that to you. 400 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,840 Speaker 1: He adds me into yes an MSN conversation with one 401 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 1: of his best friends and me, and he's like, listen, 402 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,800 Speaker 1: she's going to sort this out for you. Don't even 403 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 1: worry about it. This girl, when I tell you, she 404 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,560 Speaker 1: is still one of my bestest friends. We've been friends 405 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 1: for over fifteen years. She is my ride or die, 406 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:47,359 Speaker 1: and this instance or this situation will like show how 407 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,400 Speaker 1: bad she is. Like she is and I mean bad 408 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,879 Speaker 1: in a good way, Like she had a presence. You know. 409 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,840 Speaker 1: People were also a little bit scared of her back then, which, 410 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,159 Speaker 1: by the way, obviously I seem to have needed. She 411 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: adds Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl 412 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,800 Speaker 1: who slept me and her intal conversation, and she says, 413 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,480 Speaker 1: you have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend. 414 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: Bearing in mind she didn't even know me or else. 415 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: This girl is apologizing to me, And funnily enough, I 416 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 1: ended up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me 417 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: to don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends 418 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 1: with this girl then ended up sticking up for me 419 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,880 Speaker 1: in a situation where I didn't feel like I could 420 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,800 Speaker 1: stick up for myself. She is now still one of 421 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 1: my best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need 422 00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:29,199 Speaker 1: to talk to someone about anything, she is that person. 423 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:32,560 Speaker 1: She's non judgmental. She has backed me up throughout my 424 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,480 Speaker 1: whole life, and we have got into some serious trouble together. 425 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,480 Speaker 1: But we met because I got slapped in another space. 426 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,960 Speaker 1: I actually ended up coming to stay in the UK 427 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 1: for like five months of my life during the pandemic, 428 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,600 Speaker 1: so not long ago, and I was working on my 429 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,960 Speaker 1: cookbook at the time, and so I ended up moving 430 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 1: into an apartment building and I thought I would only 431 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:53,600 Speaker 1: be there for a short period of time. I wanted 432 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 1: to test recipes, and I did not want to mess 433 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: up my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided 434 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,239 Speaker 1: to work from that space, and I decided I did 435 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: to start these games nights with some of my friends 436 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,680 Speaker 1: in the common area. I then ended up meeting random 437 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 1: girls in the gym, random people in the common areas, 438 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,040 Speaker 1: random people in lifts, and I started inviting them to 439 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,760 Speaker 1: these games nights. It ended up being like three of 440 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,560 Speaker 1: us to ten of us to fifteen of us and 441 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,679 Speaker 1: going on week after week after week. And it was 442 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: when people would introduce themselves or say, how do you 443 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,359 Speaker 1: know Raley, they'd be like, well, we met her in 444 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,479 Speaker 1: the lift or we met her in the gym. And 445 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,720 Speaker 1: so I actually really enjoyed building community and helping other 446 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:28,560 Speaker 1: people find it. And the amount of people within these 447 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,360 Speaker 1: different areas that have told me they were really sad 448 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,840 Speaker 1: and that they were trying to make friends and they 449 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,640 Speaker 1: didn't know how to, or they actually found friendship within 450 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: those groups during the time that they really needed it. 451 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,359 Speaker 1: It made me realize so many people are lonely and 452 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,840 Speaker 1: we don't even know, we don't even realize it. That 453 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:47,480 Speaker 1: brings me on to making the first move. Okay, put 454 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,600 Speaker 1: yourself out there and do not wait for someone to 455 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 1: give you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting 456 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,840 Speaker 1: at home for somebody to come and be your best 457 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,879 Speaker 1: friend without putting in any effort, without putting in the 458 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:00,520 Speaker 1: first step, without planning, you've got a lot of coming. 459 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,320 Speaker 1: You are looking for someone to treat like a princess, 460 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:05,240 Speaker 1: and that's not what friendship is about. So stop planning 461 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,680 Speaker 1: those dates. Once you find someone that you like, start 462 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,160 Speaker 1: in writing them to things. I'm not all in person, okay, 463 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,240 Speaker 1: if I find someone that I like like recently, I 464 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,720 Speaker 1: found one of my friend that I really enjoy spending 465 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,600 Speaker 1: time with. I've invited her to everything, and we've done 466 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,720 Speaker 1: a little sleep over together. I basically invite to every 467 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy 468 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: spending time with her and we don't have time to waste. 469 00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:27,520 Speaker 1: It also allows you to figure out really fast whether 470 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,280 Speaker 1: you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like, 471 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,920 Speaker 1: instead of longing out over months, going on like a 472 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,359 Speaker 1: little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there, 473 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 1: if you invest a solid amount of time, you know 474 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 1: straight away whether this is your girl or it's not. 475 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,280 Speaker 1: And Also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff 476 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,400 Speaker 1: is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult 477 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 1: to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time 478 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,359 Speaker 1: with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly, 479 00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end 480 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:56,040 Speaker 1: up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you 481 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 1: can be in your chill clothes and hang out and 482 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 1: it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait 483 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,120 Speaker 1: for someone to put in that first piece of effort. 484 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,760 Speaker 1: You can do that. And if you're nervous about it, 485 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,960 Speaker 1: set a time frame, do something which has a time limbit. 486 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 1: Go for a workout, go for a coffee, go for 487 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,159 Speaker 1: a little walk. You don't have to spend like a 488 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,439 Speaker 1: full day with someone. And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay, 489 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: the worst thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool, 490 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,359 Speaker 1: You move your energy onto the next person, or you 491 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 1: actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end 492 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 1: up liking you. Cool. At least you tried and you've 493 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,560 Speaker 1: learned some skills in how to communicate with someone. Or 494 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: they do something that you don't like, Okay, fabulous, that 495 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,520 Speaker 1: is a great lesson learned for the next time, or 496 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 1: this is my favorite one. I always think this, and 497 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:38,680 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, what if they think I'm 498 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,600 Speaker 1: too keen or if they think I'm too much? And 499 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,359 Speaker 1: then I realize, if I have a good intention and 500 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,399 Speaker 1: I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying to 501 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,359 Speaker 1: be a friend, and I am too much for that person. 502 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,119 Speaker 1: They do not deserve that kindness or that energy. So 503 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 1: I just have to keep it moving. And this whole 504 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 1: waiting for someone to message you listen, you already have 505 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,400 Speaker 1: to do that in dating or in a relationship. Friendships 506 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 1: are meant to be way less pressure and way less effort, 507 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 1: So let's not complicate friendships in that way if you're 508 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,840 Speaker 1: struggling to actually find friends. Some of the people that 509 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,480 Speaker 1: I know have actually found some of their best friends 510 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 1: on BUMBLEBFF, and I've actually never used it. I've actually 511 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,240 Speaker 1: been in luckily been in situations where I've met people 512 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,160 Speaker 1: quite a lot, especially with the work that I do. 513 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: But I recommend it because I've seen some of them 514 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,520 Speaker 1: with those friends, and they seem like they're having the 515 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,320 Speaker 1: time of their life and they've found people based on 516 00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 1: hobbies and activities that they like doing. And so that's 517 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,760 Speaker 1: another space. If you don't want to use an app, 518 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,439 Speaker 1: think about the activities you like doing, whether it's a 519 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,160 Speaker 1: sport club like a pickleball club or a tennis club, 520 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,439 Speaker 1: or you like pottery and you go to a pottery 521 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,919 Speaker 1: class and you meet people there. I think we're not 522 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,440 Speaker 1: used to getting out there anymore. Everything is so online. 523 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 1: But you can go out there and meet people and 524 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,359 Speaker 1: get used to making conversation with people when you normally wouldn't. 525 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,479 Speaker 1: It was actually really sweet. I went to this event 526 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,160 Speaker 1: last week. It was actually a Beigan Fashion Week event 527 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,920 Speaker 1: and I go there and I must have looked over 528 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,560 Speaker 1: and I smiled at this girl. She looked beautiful and 529 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,960 Speaker 1: I just gave smile. I then walked in her direction 530 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,640 Speaker 1: and she said, I just have to say that your 531 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,520 Speaker 1: smile like gave me such good energy and I really 532 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,960 Speaker 1: appreciated it so much, and I was like, your smile 533 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,159 Speaker 1: did the same for me. We ended up having a conversation. 534 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,679 Speaker 1: She was from London, she just moved here. I was like, 535 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 1: let's hang out, and it was just great. We ended 536 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:19,800 Speaker 1: up having a great connection and probably going to meet 537 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,159 Speaker 1: up with her next week. But you know, if you 538 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: don't end up opening your mouth and you don't end 539 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,399 Speaker 1: up having conversations, how are people supposed to get to 540 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,280 Speaker 1: know you and how are you supposed to have these 541 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: positive interactions with people? And so speak more, interact more 542 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,399 Speaker 1: in your day to day life, and there's more of 543 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,760 Speaker 1: a chance of refinding friends. Another thing I really enjoyed 544 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:41,840 Speaker 1: doing for people, and it's also helped build friendships with 545 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: people too, is I create these community activities. So the 546 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: games lights that I once was doing in London, I've 547 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,520 Speaker 1: continued doing in the US and so whatever. Usually every 548 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,320 Speaker 1: Friday night or something, I'll invite people over. And it 549 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:55,880 Speaker 1: started out really small, and now I have a list 550 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,280 Speaker 1: of forty people that I invite to these and sometimes 551 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 1: forty ten up sometimes fifteen do But what I've loved 552 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:05,480 Speaker 1: watching is being a facilitator for people to make friends. 553 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,119 Speaker 1: It's a really beautiful thing to do for people. So 554 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 1: if you are someone who has a lot of friends, 555 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:14,360 Speaker 1: connect them. Don't be scared of people becoming friends outside 556 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,159 Speaker 1: of your own circle with them. That is selfish behavior. People. 557 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,560 Speaker 1: There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What 558 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 1: I love is that all these people who are meeting 559 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,879 Speaker 1: at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives, 560 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,199 Speaker 1: and they all end up spending time together, going for 561 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,600 Speaker 1: dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so 562 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 1: everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the 563 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:36,920 Speaker 1: different friends that they want and how they want to 564 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,239 Speaker 1: spend time with them. I'd say my games Nights and 565 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,840 Speaker 1: bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements. 566 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,520 Speaker 1: It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize 567 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued 568 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: this cycle for a while now and I really like it. 569 00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:51,879 Speaker 1: I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is 570 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: really important when it comes to making friends is noticing 571 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,840 Speaker 1: your negative traits. And so I have some friends who 572 00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:59,680 Speaker 1: I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset 573 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,240 Speaker 1: with me about things that I was doing, and I 574 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,480 Speaker 1: noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to 575 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: change it. The friend that I went to about the 576 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,199 Speaker 1: girl in the beginning that I was telling you about, 577 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,400 Speaker 1: she told me that, yes, sometimes your communication is really bad, 578 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,280 Speaker 1: and I know you, so it's easy for me to handle, 579 00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:16,520 Speaker 1: but for people who are new to you, they may 580 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,960 Speaker 1: take it in a negative way and someone else mentioned 581 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,720 Speaker 1: to me, They're like, oh, when you reply back with 582 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,760 Speaker 1: short answers, I always thought that you were upset with me, 583 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,119 Speaker 1: but I realized you're not. You're just a fast hyper 584 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 1: And so for me, what I've had to now communicate 585 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,639 Speaker 1: openly to my friends is listen, I have to be 586 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,920 Speaker 1: on my phone a lot for my work, So when 587 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,840 Speaker 1: we're messaging, I'm sending you short messages back just to 588 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,760 Speaker 1: get make sure that I've responded to you. And sometimes 589 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,359 Speaker 1: I might even forget, but if you called me, or 590 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: if you've voiced O me, I will hit you back 591 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,159 Speaker 1: for sure. And I've really worked on that, and my 592 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 1: friends have noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow, 593 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:49,760 Speaker 1: I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now. 594 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:51,960 Speaker 1: So people mean something to you and you want to 595 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,320 Speaker 1: keep them in your life. Notice what you are doing 596 00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 1: wrong too. Another one of mine was being late. I 597 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic. I 598 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 1: would end up just thinking I could get somewhere fast enough, 599 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,840 Speaker 1: and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track of time, 600 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,480 Speaker 1: and I'd always end up late. So I'd built a 601 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,800 Speaker 1: narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow, 602 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,320 Speaker 1: you're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that. 603 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,920 Speaker 1: So I've really worked on it, and now people are 604 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,120 Speaker 1: like shocked that I'm always on time, and guess what, 605 00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:20,399 Speaker 1: I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some 606 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,199 Speaker 1: people are still holding onto it with dear life, and 607 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,680 Speaker 1: I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now. 608 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,639 Speaker 1: I think it's really important to reflect on what we 609 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,360 Speaker 1: can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned 610 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 1: to do because my mind is so scattered and I 611 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,439 Speaker 1: have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant 612 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,480 Speaker 1: at being a friend. He really is. He's so good. 613 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,880 Speaker 1: He's so good at messaging people on no matter how 614 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 1: busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people, 615 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: call people, text people. So because I'm not good at 616 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,879 Speaker 1: that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is 617 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 1: kept a note in my phone of all the people 618 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,639 Speaker 1: I want to check I want to reach out to 619 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaker 1: on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey, 620 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,879 Speaker 1: how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave 621 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,240 Speaker 1: it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the 622 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,200 Speaker 1: capacity to then keep going back and forth and I 623 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,520 Speaker 1: don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them, 624 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you 625 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,359 Speaker 1: hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I 626 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:09,119 Speaker 1: think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort 627 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,199 Speaker 1: people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being 628 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 1: an active listener. We're so used to telling people things 629 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,720 Speaker 1: about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active 630 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,840 Speaker 1: listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working 631 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,399 Speaker 1: on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and 632 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 1: absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that 633 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,400 Speaker 1: I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact 634 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something 635 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,520 Speaker 1: that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that 636 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,760 Speaker 1: I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building 637 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you 638 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 1: actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey, 639 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,359 Speaker 1: how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of 640 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:47,360 Speaker 1: other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are, 641 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,240 Speaker 1: Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation, 642 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 1: because if you just say I'm good, how are you? 643 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:56,240 Speaker 1: It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for 644 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,880 Speaker 1: the conversation to go in different directions so they feel 645 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,639 Speaker 1: like they're getting to know you more, and you can 646 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,800 Speaker 1: ask them questions to help you get to know them more. 647 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,560 Speaker 1: I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I 648 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,280 Speaker 1: hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful 649 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,600 Speaker 1: ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in 650 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,880 Speaker 1: your life, because that's what community is about, support, care 651 00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:19,840 Speaker 1: and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me, 652 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: and I hope, hope and pray that it does that 653 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,200 Speaker 1: for you too. I read this one quote and I'll 654 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:26,680 Speaker 1: leave you with this. It said friendship is born at 655 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:30,120 Speaker 1: the moment when one person says to another what you too. 656 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 1: I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis, 657 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,479 Speaker 1: and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like, 658 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,560 Speaker 1: I just want to be understood, and I just want 659 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,240 Speaker 1: to feel like there's somebody else in the world that 660 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,239 Speaker 1: feels the same and understands me, or a community that 661 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 1: really understands me. And I thought it was such a 662 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:48,880 Speaker 1: beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope 663 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,040 Speaker 1: you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know, 664 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 1: send me in some of your rejection friends stories and 665 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,000 Speaker 1: also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear 666 00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:00,600 Speaker 1: them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful, 667 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 1: wonderful day.