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Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, Sophia Bush here. Welcome to work in progress,

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Speaker 1: where I talked to people who inspire me about how

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Speaker 1: they got to where they are and where they think

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Speaker 1: they're still going. Guys, I love to do's guests, and

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you all do too. Today we have Coamo Brown.

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Speaker 1: He is just the sweetest. We talked about everything from

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Speaker 1: his childhood, the currygo he used to bring for school lunch,

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Speaker 1: his passion for helping people, the Queer Eye guys, his sons,

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Speaker 1: and so much more. And if you haven't read his

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Speaker 1: memoir you must and his new children's book Hello. He

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Speaker 1: is an author. The children's book is called I Am

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Speaker 1: Perfectly Designed and it comes out this fall. Enjoy. Hi,

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Speaker 1: thanks for coming in. Would miss this for the world.

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Speaker 1: So happy to see you. Every time I see you,

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Speaker 1: I feel uplifted. Thank you the same way about you.

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Speaker 1: We have that sort of personality where it's like we

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Speaker 1: have good days, we have bad days, but we try

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Speaker 1: to always live in the better space. Yes, and I

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Speaker 1: see that from you all the time. Thanks everyone. In

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Speaker 1: a while, I'll joke with myself and be like, I'm

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Speaker 1: feeling a little ugly right now and I'm just going

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Speaker 1: to have to come right back, like I gotta walk

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Speaker 1: it back, you know what I mean? Amen? Yeah, my

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Speaker 1: my my higher self, my more adult self, whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: I got to bring it back in the room. I

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Speaker 1: will say that it was so much fun when you

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Speaker 1: and I met, because obviously, I mean, I feel like

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Speaker 1: it must be such a wild thing, this ride that

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Speaker 1: you've been on, because Queer Eye has been this beautiful,

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Speaker 1: explosive force for good. And I remember how special I

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Speaker 1: felt when we met and connected and talked about how

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Speaker 1: nice it was to meet in person and how fun

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Speaker 1: it is to follow each other. And I'm like you

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Speaker 1: probably have that with every person, Like every person runs

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Speaker 1: up to you and it's like, You're amazing, and I

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Speaker 1: have so much fun on your journey following along, and

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Speaker 1: it must be crazy. It is. Well, first of all,

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Speaker 1: you were the first celebrity. No, you you were that

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Speaker 1: hit us all up. We all kind of debate between

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Speaker 1: you and Christy taking one of you were like the

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Speaker 1: very first to be yeah yeah, And I was like

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Speaker 1: we it was. It was like such an amazing moment

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Speaker 1: for us to wake up and be like, what do

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Speaker 1: you mean, what do you mean following us like that?

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Speaker 1: We went geeked out. I know we shouldn't be saying

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Speaker 1: because we should be cool, but I'm I have absolutely

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Speaker 1: no ability to be cool, like literally to the point

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Speaker 1: that people will be like, Sophia, you cannot be like

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Speaker 1: this at a close party. You are a famous person.

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Speaker 1: You can't react this way to famous people. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not famous exactly if it makes me, I don't

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Speaker 1: know how to do it because I think like my

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Speaker 1: in or nine year old is always in disbelief that

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Speaker 1: I'm in the room. Yeah, and I had that when

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Speaker 1: I realized we were all following each other, I was like,

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Speaker 1: shut up, Okay, I didn't know that we were doing

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Speaker 1: that so so, but it was very special. And when

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Speaker 1: people come up to me or any of us, I

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Speaker 1: want to speak for the guys on this, I say

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Speaker 1: something that I think it's true, is that at some

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Speaker 1: point in all of our lives we felt unseen. Like

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Speaker 1: whether it's an elementary school, middle school, high school, at

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Speaker 1: the job you're at now, in the relationship you're with

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Speaker 1: with your mom, wherever, you just feel like people don't

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Speaker 1: get me, they don't see me, they don't appreciate me

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Speaker 1: like I want them to. And the thing about this

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Speaker 1: piece of my journey is that I feel seen constantly.

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Speaker 1: So when people come up to me, I promise you

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Speaker 1: anyone will tell you, I will stop and talk with

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Speaker 1: anyone and give them a hug because I'm like, you're

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Speaker 1: seeing me, and I'm going to see you back, and

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Speaker 1: so we all try to do that, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's just a beautiful thing. So I just love this

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Speaker 1: little piece of my journey right now. Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I love that. That makes me so happy for you.

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Speaker 1: And weirdly, I just realized something because people will ask, you, know,

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Speaker 1: how how do you feel about it? And how do

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Speaker 1: you feel when people recognize you or stop you and

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Speaker 1: want to talk. And the only way I've ever been

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Speaker 1: able to articulate it before is that I think it's

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Speaker 1: about the energy I'm receiving, because sometimes it's lovely and

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Speaker 1: sometimes it's scary. But you just illuminated something more deeply

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Speaker 1: for me, because you are being seen on this show

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Speaker 1: and in this platform and in this very self actualized,

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Speaker 1: beautiful phase in your life, and you're doing this work

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Speaker 1: that you're so proud of and and so they're seeing

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Speaker 1: everything that brings you joy. And I just literally in

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Speaker 1: this moment When you said that, I went, oh, I

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Speaker 1: think when I've been really uncomfortable in interactions with strangers,

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Speaker 1: it's it's because they see something that isn't me or

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Speaker 1: differently than my experience. You know, I've had the experience

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Speaker 1: of having a really terrible time of something, and when

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Speaker 1: someone is like, oh my god, I love that thing,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, you love the that's cool. I'm really

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Speaker 1: glad you like it. But inside I'm like, I'm suffering

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Speaker 1: from that. It was so bad and and oh my god,

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Speaker 1: what a gift to be doing something, to be in

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Speaker 1: your purpose so much that exchanging on it feels like

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Speaker 1: a recharge. Yes, yeah, so that's what it is. But

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Speaker 1: you know, you just about something else that I love

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Speaker 1: because I'm all about solution base. The guy's joke with

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Speaker 1: me because I'm always the one on the show that

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Speaker 1: gets homework. It's just part of my career before this.

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Speaker 1: And then I just and a dad. I just love

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Speaker 1: giving people solutions that they can really take. And you

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Speaker 1: just said something that I think people listening should gain

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Speaker 1: from this is when they feel uncomfortable in that moment,

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Speaker 1: it's because people are not seeing them for it's something

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Speaker 1: that makes them uncomfortable. So of course I'm uncomfortable because

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Speaker 1: you're seeing something that I didn't like about me or

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Speaker 1: I didn't experience in a positive way. And I think

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Speaker 1: we should understand that we have the power, especially you

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Speaker 1: having these fans interactions, to stop in that moment and

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Speaker 1: to set a clear boundary with them, which is hard

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Speaker 1: for people to do, of saying so, I know you

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Speaker 1: are acknowledging that moment, but I'm still working through that moment.

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Speaker 1: So I would love to talk to you about something else.

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Speaker 1: I've done that before people and they're not turned off.

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Speaker 1: They don't think I'm being rude because they're now feeling

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Speaker 1: more involved and more respected because I'm not saying, oh,

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Speaker 1: I gotta go because I don't want to hear whatever

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Speaker 1: you're talking about. I'm stopping them and saying before this

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Speaker 1: makes me uncomfortable, and before now this interaction, the energy

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Speaker 1: we're exchanging gets weird. Can I set a new boundary

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Speaker 1: with you of maybe not discussing that while I am

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Speaker 1: on a journey of figuring out how that affects me more.

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Speaker 1: People need to know they have the power to do that.

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Speaker 1: But that's what you just said. You know, It's like

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Speaker 1: someone makes me uncofortable. But I say, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I love doing this, and you're like, I didn't like that.

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Speaker 1: You just stop them in that moment. Yeah, anyway, that's beautiful. Well,

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Speaker 1: and and really, you know, it may not be everyone's

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Speaker 1: experience that they're talking about a you know, a piece

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Speaker 1: of entertainment that they made or a certain job that

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Speaker 1: they did. But if there's something in your life that

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Speaker 1: is a trigger for something confusing or painful or or

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Speaker 1: that to your point you're working through, you can just

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Speaker 1: say I don't actually want to I don't want to

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Speaker 1: trigger that. I don't want to open that door. Let's go,

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Speaker 1: let's open the store over here. Yeah. So easy to

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Speaker 1: do with people, but we're not taught that, especially women

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Speaker 1: in our country, and not taught that it's okay to

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Speaker 1: set boundaries. Yeah, oh my gosh, can I tell you

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Speaker 1: a really quick story please? So I love a story.

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Speaker 1: I know it's that it's not really like a fun

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Speaker 1: story anything. But me and one of my best friends

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Speaker 1: almost had a blowout fight like two weeks ago, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh. And we have investment. We're sixteen. So he

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Speaker 1: has a little girl, his daughter, she's three now, and

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Speaker 1: some family members that come in town and I'm sitting

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Speaker 1: in there washingtons interaction. I can't not but speak up,

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Speaker 1: especially when I see people being forced to do things

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Speaker 1: that are not KAY. And we also try to have

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Speaker 1: really transparent conversations so that they can grow as people.

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Speaker 1: I can grow as people. We learned from each other. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: these family members came to town and they were like,

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Speaker 1: go hug them, and literally, you already know where I'm

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Speaker 1: going to this. The daughter was like clinching my best

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Speaker 1: friend and his mom like saying no, no, and they

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Speaker 1: were like, this is your aunt. You have to hug them.

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Speaker 1: And so I like tapped them on the shoulder and

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Speaker 1: was like, I just want to whisper. Do you hear

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Speaker 1: what your daughter saying to you. She's saying, my boundary

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Speaker 1: is I don't want to hug these people, and you're

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Speaker 1: telling her her boundaries don't matter because they are quote

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Speaker 1: unquote family members. That's a stranger to her, and you're

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Speaker 1: telling her no. And they were like, no, no, this

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Speaker 1: is family. This is how you do it. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, and so I started getting upset because she's crying.

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Speaker 1: I was kind of feeling like empathic and feeling her pain.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, she's telling you she doesn't want it,

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Speaker 1: And what that's really about is consent with your body,

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Speaker 1: with your body boundaries, all these things. And so the

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Speaker 1: reason I brought that up is because we're just like

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Speaker 1: we had a little bit of that conversation, but I

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Speaker 1: just thought, like, how we start teaching people that at

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Speaker 1: such young ages? So when you're twenty five or sixteen

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Speaker 1: or forty five, you're confused about when it's proper to

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Speaker 1: set boundaries because when you started to people told you know,

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Speaker 1: you have to go along with it. That's a family

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Speaker 1: member or that's a ball, so that's a teacher, and

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Speaker 1: it's like no. And so I literally put my hand

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Speaker 1: down and said, do you want to come to uncle Momo?

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Speaker 1: That's what she calls me. And she grabbed my hand

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Speaker 1: and I was like, let's go take a walk, and

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Speaker 1: of course they were kind of looking at me, and

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Speaker 1: they we argued later because I was like, I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to allow you to take away her power at

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Speaker 1: such a young age, and they were like, that's not

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Speaker 1: what we're doing, and then we kind of got to it.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, that's no for everyone else, Like if you

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Speaker 1: see that happening and somebody stop it. Please yes. And

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Speaker 1: I also think to your point, if we don't learn

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Speaker 1: that we have that kind of autonomy at a young age,

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Speaker 1: we learn it by being harmed at an older age,

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Speaker 1: and then we have to do the work to fix

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Speaker 1: the harm. And I know that I went through that.

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Speaker 1: I'm seeing on your face that you went through that.

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Speaker 1: And even for me, I've had interactions like we we

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Speaker 1: just did this amazing thing one of the shows I

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Speaker 1: used to work on. We did this huge fan convention

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Speaker 1: and we did it to benefit too great charities and

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Speaker 1: it was awesome. But a request that I made, and

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Speaker 1: this was me learning how to advocate for myself and

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Speaker 1: for my little girl who was told that her boundaries

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Speaker 1: didn't matter. I said, I'm really excited to see everyone here,

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Speaker 1: but I need you all to do something for me.

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Speaker 1: I'm obviously very familiar to you because we did nine

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Speaker 1: years of a show together, but as lovely as you

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Speaker 1: see them, y'all are strangers to me. So when we

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Speaker 1: have our one on one interactions, if you would like

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Speaker 1: to touch or hug me, please ask first. And it's

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Speaker 1: like I just need to be able to say yes,

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Speaker 1: or could we shake hands instead? Or I need to

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Speaker 1: have a little agency over my personhood. And it was

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Speaker 1: so special because there was a girl who then came

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Speaker 1: up to me and said, you know, I let people

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Speaker 1: hug me all the time, and I didn't realize until today,

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Speaker 1: I don't have to, and I was like, oh my god.

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Speaker 1: But it was like this moment, and I realize over

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Speaker 1: and over again, you hear stories, you witness things, and

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Speaker 1: you just see that so many of us haven't been

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Speaker 1: taught that our needs are as valuable or valid as

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Speaker 1: anyone else's, and so we have some unlearning to do. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: a lot of learning. But I love the way you

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Speaker 1: say stated that, Like, kudos to you for having the

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Speaker 1: courage to say in front of people and giving it

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Speaker 1: to the audience. This is a a digestible way of saying, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we had a relationship through this show and you know me,

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Speaker 1: but I'm a stranger. You're a stranger to me. I

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Speaker 1: think that was such a clear way that somebody is

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Speaker 1: not going to be like, oh, she's being a rude

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Speaker 1: or she's because that's the fear of all of ours,

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Speaker 1: that people are going to not perceive certain way, and

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Speaker 1: when you explain it in such a clear, articulate way,

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Speaker 1: like that people get it and they're like, oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then you had that beautiful moment. So I mean,

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Speaker 1: and I've had I've learned that because like I certainly

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Speaker 1: haven't always had the language, and I've left certain experiences

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Speaker 1: feeling super freaked out and weird, and I'm sure having

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Speaker 1: made people feel super weird and that's obviously never the intention,

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Speaker 1: but it's it's a learning process. And nobody gives us

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Speaker 1: a manual for this. But I'm curious you obviously, your

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Speaker 1: whole career and your work and you're hosting and your

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Speaker 1: social work and your advocacy has led you to this

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Speaker 1: place where you just like my friend love you always

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Speaker 1: says like you're just dropping gems, like you just are

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Speaker 1: like oom and there's a no one and there's not

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Speaker 1: like you get a lesson and you get a lesson

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Speaker 1: and it's so good. But I'm so curious, like how

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Speaker 1: did this start? Were you? Were you a really wise child?

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Speaker 1: I Oh, I love a journey. So this is the

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Speaker 1: beauty of my career that I'm so thankful for. And

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Speaker 1: especially I think some of the like interactions that I've

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Speaker 1: been having a lot with people, they have seen my

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Speaker 1: journey because when I was twenty two, fresh out of college.

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Speaker 1: I got cast on MTV's Real World, which is a

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Speaker 1: big reality show for anybody overseas as listening to this

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Speaker 1: here in the States, where were you living? I was

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Speaker 1: here in Los Angeles And then where did you have

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Speaker 1: to go for Real World? Philadelphia? And so the reason

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Speaker 1: the way I got on Real World was not like

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Speaker 1: I want to be on a reality show. I was

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Speaker 1: actually protesting MTV because there was a show on that

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Speaker 1: I wanted to get off the air, and being straight

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Speaker 1: out of college, I was like, this is how you

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Speaker 1: get it off if you create a power point and

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Speaker 1: then you protest, and so that was like my mindset.

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Speaker 1: So I got I was there was a show called

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Speaker 1: Pimp My Ride. You remember that show with exhibit So

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Speaker 1: the organ the nonprofit I was working for, there was

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Speaker 1: kids that was leaving my program and going instilling from

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Speaker 1: cars to make their cars better, and so this is

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Speaker 1: what they were watching every day and so they thought, oh,

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Speaker 1: if my car doesn't have it, I'll go do this.

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Speaker 1: So anyway, I protested and this executive came out and

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Speaker 1: was like who organized this? And I was like me,

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Speaker 1: be like I'm literally cussing, like me I organized this,

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Speaker 1: and how dare you you? Irresponsible b work, I'm just

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Speaker 1: like going off. I'm like, now I know. But I

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Speaker 1: was like, if you ever did try to protest, cussing

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Speaker 1: of the person who you're trying to get to get

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Speaker 1: on your side is not going to help. But she

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Speaker 1: was like, you just alone did this, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: knows me and my boyfriend, and she was like angry

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Speaker 1: black gay ding ning ming ming Ming. She's like, can

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Speaker 1: you come back tomorrow? And I thought, like I thought

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Speaker 1: the world. I thought like everything's gonna happen. I was

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Speaker 1: gonna go change MTV. I was gonna get on. They

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Speaker 1: came back the next day and they were like, you

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Speaker 1: want to be on the real World, And of course

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Speaker 1: on twenty two and my ego is in full flame,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, hell yeah, quit the job. The

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Speaker 1: next day. I've never seen those kids ever again. So

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Speaker 1: it was like shows like that's not something I would

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Speaker 1: do now, but young me and don't want the real world.

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Speaker 1: It was a train wreck, cussing, drinking, drunk, having sex

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Speaker 1: like it was a train wreck. And then after the

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Speaker 1: real world was doing club appearances, train wreck, doing tons

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Speaker 1: of cocaine, train wreck, drinking, train wreck, being an abusive

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Speaker 1: relationship where I was the abuser because that's how I

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Speaker 1: learned from my home and so how do you mean

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Speaker 1: can we into that? So I grew up in a house.

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Speaker 1: Uh well, first, let me just finish this. That's the

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Speaker 1: reason why I'm so happy about like what people see

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Speaker 1: me now is because they know he I wasn't always.

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Speaker 1: Even though I had the training I finished school, I

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Speaker 1: still didn't know how to apply it to my life.

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Speaker 1: And I didn't have any guides and mentors. And so

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Speaker 1: when they hear me now, they can see the full

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Speaker 1: growth of like, oh, if I'm a train wreck right

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Speaker 1: now listening to this, so was he, and now he's

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Speaker 1: happy and healthy and doing well. So I appreciate that

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Speaker 1: even on the extreme end of that kind of spectrum.

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Speaker 1: One of my favorite things I've ever heard of human

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Speaker 1: say Brian stephens In who works to get people off

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Speaker 1: of death row. He's you know, for anyone listening who

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Speaker 1: doesn't know, please watch his ted talk. He's the most

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Speaker 1: incredible attorneys justice projects. He's so amazing and he talks

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Speaker 1: about getting to know these people and he says, you

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Speaker 1: are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done,

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Speaker 1: and it like it. It's like a needle right into

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Speaker 1: the center of my heart because we live in this

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Speaker 1: world that celebrates what success looks like, but not what

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Speaker 1: it takes to get there. And you know, even when

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Speaker 1: to your point about what what women are told, successful

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Speaker 1: women are celebrated, but if they talk about trauma, they've

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Speaker 1: been through their being drama queens. Women who report are

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Speaker 1: not being team players women. And it's like and there

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Speaker 1: are versions of that for all of us, and even

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Speaker 1: for you at twenty two finding your way as an

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Speaker 1: activist and a person who knew you had this purpose,

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Speaker 1: you got take an advantage of as taking interesting boxes

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Speaker 1: for a production. You know, like to your point, black gay,

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Speaker 1: fulfilling that that horrible stereotype of like a young angry

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Speaker 1: black person, which is such an unfair thing to have

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Speaker 1: projected onto you. Why shouldn't you be angry for your

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Speaker 1: community that's being negatively affected by a team of people

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Speaker 1: who aren't from there and who don't look like the

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Speaker 1: people there, and who aren't thinking about the people there.

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Speaker 1: Rather than having that nurtured, somebody said, we can put

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Speaker 1: him on TV and he'll be interesting and exploit it. Yes,

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Speaker 1: meeting that on a T shirt. You're not the worst

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Speaker 1: thing that ever happened to you. That is beautiful. Wow,

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Speaker 1: it's so good. But I'm happy because people have seen

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Speaker 1: my growth and they get it, you know. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: you asked me before by the domestic violence. Yes, So

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Speaker 1: I have a new book out called Karama, My Journey

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Speaker 1: just say all the way, don't like loud. I'm proud

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Speaker 1: of Ramo, My Journey of embracing, purpose, healing and hope.

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Speaker 1: And in that book, I talked about domestic violence, and

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Speaker 1: I talked about the fact that I grew up in

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Speaker 1: a household where my father was actually abusive to my mother.

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Speaker 1: And so I'm the only boy. I have all older sisters,

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Speaker 1: and I you know, I was never witnessed him hitting

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Speaker 1: her because they would always protect me because I was

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Speaker 1: the youngest. But I would hear it, and I would

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Speaker 1: see the aftermath the next day. So I would see

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Speaker 1: the bruises on my mom. I would see her trying

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Speaker 1: to cover up stuff, and so I knew it was happening,

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Speaker 1: but everyone tried to pretend like it wasn't happening. And

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Speaker 1: then even though I knew it was happening, I would

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Speaker 1: have these conversations with my father where he would say,

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Speaker 1: when you get with a woman, you never hit a woman.

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Speaker 1: So it was like these mixed messages because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I know you're hitting mom. But then also I was like,

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Speaker 1: you're right, you never hit a woman. You don't hit anyone,

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Speaker 1: now I know, But then all I was taught that

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Speaker 1: you don't hit a woman. So what happens to a

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Speaker 1: little boy who knows that they're gay, who's only being

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Speaker 1: told you don't hit women, Yet you're going to be

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Speaker 1: in intimate relationships with other men, And culturally we tell

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Speaker 1: little boys two men fighting is just boys being boys.

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Speaker 1: It's it's how they rough it out. And so immediately

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Speaker 1: when I got out of the real world and I

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Speaker 1: had all now all of these things bubbling at the

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Speaker 1: top and no one helping me know how to figure

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Speaker 1: out all the stuff that I had just experienced on

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Speaker 1: the show. Prior to the show, everything was at bubbling,

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Speaker 1: it was about to explode. And here I'm in this

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Speaker 1: relationship and the first time I got angry, I did

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Speaker 1: what my so I did what my father did. I

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Speaker 1: can't say what I witnessed him do, but I did

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Speaker 1: what I knew he did, which was hit my mother

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Speaker 1: to get his anger out. And every time I hit

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend at the time, I would say, you're not

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Speaker 1: a girl, You're a man. So if you want to

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Speaker 1: fight back, fight back, because that's what society had said.

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Speaker 1: Two men can fight, you're That's that's what we're able

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Speaker 1: to do. You know, Like, if you get a girl

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Speaker 1: she's fragile, you're that's a problem. But two men fighting,

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Speaker 1: go fight, you know. And it's me a long time,

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Speaker 1: almost until I became a father, to stop being an

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Speaker 1: abusive relationships where I was the abuser. And I remember

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Speaker 1: there was a time where I felt really disgusting because

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Speaker 1: I had just gotten to a fight with my boyfriend

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Speaker 1: and he called the police, and the police came to

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Speaker 1: our apartment Valley Village, California. If anyboy, Oliver from l

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Speaker 1: A and I so boldly sat outside of our apartment

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Speaker 1: waiting for the police, literally taunting him, being like, I

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Speaker 1: can't wait for these police to come here, and after

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Speaker 1: they get here, I'm gonna knock you out again. And

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Speaker 1: he was like crying, and I'm like, I'm gonna hit

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Speaker 1: you again for wasting my time with these police. That's

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Speaker 1: how horrible of a person I was, And the police

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Speaker 1: got there and they saw two guys and they were like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: this is just you're just you're just roommates, work it out.

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Speaker 1: Don't call us together for this. And I literally went

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Speaker 1: upstairs and I punched them again, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: don't ever waste my goddamn time. And I don't know

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Speaker 1: what been. I walked in the room and I walked

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Speaker 1: past the mirror and I looked at myself and I

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Speaker 1: was like, what what did you just do? Police just

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Speaker 1: came that didn't scare you? And then you came back

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Speaker 1: upstairs and hit him again to prove a point. And

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Speaker 1: I literally ran out the house and I just was

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Speaker 1: crying in my car, like as if I was a

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Speaker 1: victim or something. Um And I realized so a small degree,

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Speaker 1: there was part of me that where I had to

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Speaker 1: grow and I had to find stuff. But I was like,

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Speaker 1: this is the worst. And that's when I stopped doing

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Speaker 1: research about like domestic violence and how it affects you

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Speaker 1: when you're in the house of that. And then I

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Speaker 1: also started realizing that domestic violence in the LGBT community

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Speaker 1: is the highest because it's not discussed law enforcement, paramedics, doctors,

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Speaker 1: they're not trained on how to deal with this. So

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Speaker 1: just like those two male police, they saw two men,

428
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,600
Speaker 1: they were like, just handle us, don't. If he would

429
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,520
Speaker 1: have been a woman, they would have drugged me away,

430
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,639
Speaker 1: but since we were two men, we didn't. And I

431
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,359
Speaker 1: had to go on this journey of first apologizing to

432
00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:00,600
Speaker 1: every single person I had ever hit, which was really hard. Hard.

433
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,880
Speaker 1: It was like some of them didn't want to talk

434
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,159
Speaker 1: to me at to write notes just to say I'm sorry.

435
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,800
Speaker 1: And now we're at a place where every single of

436
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,240
Speaker 1: mess forgiving me. We we have relationships. Then I had

437
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,520
Speaker 1: to go back and talk to my mom about what

438
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 1: she stayed to figure out, like how can I start

439
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:18,199
Speaker 1: to heal the trauma from my childhood? And then I

440
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,280
Speaker 1: had to write my father a note because he and

441
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,680
Speaker 1: I weren't talking and saying even though I didn't see

442
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,359
Speaker 1: you do this, it affected me, It hurt me, it

443
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,880
Speaker 1: hurt our family. And then I went to this sort

444
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:33,679
Speaker 1: of training of like how to be better and channel

445
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,720
Speaker 1: my emotions in a positive way. And these were the

446
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 1: steps that I took that I encourage other people to take,

447
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,320
Speaker 1: because domestic violence would have still been affecting my life

448
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,960
Speaker 1: today if I would not have stopped acknowledged it. I

449
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,359
Speaker 1: went back to my past and then got the support

450
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:53,919
Speaker 1: I needed. Yeah, that's incredible, it's me and it is.

451
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,800
Speaker 1: But it's so fascinating to me because the way we're

452
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:02,080
Speaker 1: imprinted as children, yes, and the way that our little brains,

453
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 1: you know, our brains aren't developed, like, let's say, as

454
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:09,240
Speaker 1: nine year olds. That's what you're witnessing. Your brain is

455
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:13,119
Speaker 1: not developed enough to understand the layered complexity of an

456
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 1: adult situation. So your brain makes these irrational connections which

457
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,880
Speaker 1: cement in your little brain as truth, and you don't

458
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,199
Speaker 1: even know that that's been the truth, the story that

459
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,919
Speaker 1: you've been telling. And and so it makes sense to me.

460
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:32,000
Speaker 1: Of course, not only were you cultured to hear like

461
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 1: boys will be boys, but also you were told that

462
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,560
Speaker 1: in your most intimate partnership you don't ever abuse someone.

463
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,679
Speaker 1: But then you also saw that abuse happening, and that

464
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,680
Speaker 1: abuse was hidden but not really. It was also out

465
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:49,359
Speaker 1: in the open but never discussed, so you didn't know

466
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:52,000
Speaker 1: how to process it. So of course at home, behind

467
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:55,840
Speaker 1: closed doors, you repeat it, and then when it's brought

468
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,800
Speaker 1: out in the open, you're like, nobody's going to care

469
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:01,560
Speaker 1: because nobody cared then when it happened to you, it's

470
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:09,200
Speaker 1: like the cycle of it is obvious almost, but so

471
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,280
Speaker 1: prevalent in so many places. And I think that the

472
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:18,840
Speaker 1: disservice of this kind of gendered opinion on violence is

473
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:23,199
Speaker 1: so hard because I know, at least in so many

474
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,760
Speaker 1: women in my community and straight relationships in my community,

475
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: the number of us who've talked about, okay, well, of

476
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,399
Speaker 1: course I tolerated that bad behavior or that emotional abuse

477
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,800
Speaker 1: or that verbal abuse, because when I was little and

478
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,359
Speaker 1: a boy would pull my hair or hit me, someone

479
00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 1: would say that just means he likes and nerves it

480
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,400
Speaker 1: kills me. That just means he likes you. Boys will

481
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,320
Speaker 1: be boys, you know, even even the way that women

482
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:52,040
Speaker 1: are told like girls are catty and and the way

483
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 1: that girls fight. To your point, when you see this,

484
00:24:55,200 --> 00:25:00,240
Speaker 1: these sort of abusive tendencies in LGBT relationships p people

485
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,439
Speaker 1: who have been marginalized and abused themselves for who they

486
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:08,120
Speaker 1: are turn that kind of marginalization onto the person closest

487
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,280
Speaker 1: to them. And that I know that happens across any

488
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 1: sort of gendered relationship. But it's no shock to me

489
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,800
Speaker 1: that people who are more harmed harm more until we

490
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,160
Speaker 1: learn how to break these cycles. And you, first of all,

491
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:28,520
Speaker 1: you're doing it is miraculous and impressive, and you being

492
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: so willing to talk about it so that other people

493
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,160
Speaker 1: don't feel ashamed, don't feel scared to ask for help,

494
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,920
Speaker 1: can can maybe have that moment in the mirror where

495
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,719
Speaker 1: they go, oh my god, I need help. That's thanks.

496
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:45,439
Speaker 1: I mean, I try to use my story completely to

497
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,240
Speaker 1: always be honest about what I'm going through that because

498
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 1: the only goal I have in my mind and my

499
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 1: intention is always I don't want you to go through it.

500
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:54,639
Speaker 1: I don't want you to have to deal with this

501
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 1: like I want you to be better. And if I

502
00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:59,520
Speaker 1: can share my story to help you to be better

503
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,919
Speaker 1: than great, let's be honest about and let's share it.

504
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,959
Speaker 1: And that's why I always try to give I always

505
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 1: tell people what solution I did, and I don't do

506
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:08,800
Speaker 1: it as a way of like you do this. I'm like,

507
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: if you're listening and you don't understand how to get

508
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,600
Speaker 1: out of this, let me tell you some steps that

509
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,160
Speaker 1: I took. Let me because I think sometimes we miss

510
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:19,840
Speaker 1: that in our lives especially, And this is not against

511
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 1: anyone who's a celebrity or who's its personality. But I

512
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,439
Speaker 1: think sometimes we get so caught up in just sharing

513
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,840
Speaker 1: the trauma that we forget that by sharing the trauma,

514
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,919
Speaker 1: we have to give them a solution so that someone

515
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,399
Speaker 1: can truly figure it out. Because most people don't have

516
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,880
Speaker 1: the the access of things we have. So it's like

517
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,200
Speaker 1: they're listening to us to say what do I do?

518
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,560
Speaker 1: And it's like this might not work for you, but

519
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,880
Speaker 1: here's one little solution anyway, that's it. Do you think

520
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:50,400
Speaker 1: that you are so solutions oriented? Not only because you've

521
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,840
Speaker 1: lived it, you obviously walk the walk, but because of

522
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 1: what you studied, and because of your experience at nonprofits

523
00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,720
Speaker 1: and social work and and all of that, My experience

524
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 1: of working and social services for twelve years, you're trained

525
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,320
Speaker 1: to understand you have to figure out what step one, two,

526
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,320
Speaker 1: three for is to create a solution for the population

527
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,919
Speaker 1: you're working for. Can you give people listening like a

528
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,399
Speaker 1: little bit of a timeline so they can understand that background,

529
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,639
Speaker 1: because I'm sure there are some people who have seen

530
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:25,480
Speaker 1: you on TV who don't know that you're totally the

531
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,200
Speaker 1: reason I hated the term culture when we start a

532
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,080
Speaker 1: queer eye, because I was like, I'm higher to fix

533
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,320
Speaker 1: the inside, but the term culture doesn't make any sense

534
00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:36,159
Speaker 1: to anyone, so they're like the first season, it was

535
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 1: a little bit of a trigger for me. It was

536
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,360
Speaker 1: like people would come up afterwards and they be like,

537
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:43,680
Speaker 1: what do you do? And I'm like, I'm trying to

538
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: help the person to not go back and also to

539
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,399
Speaker 1: figure out why in twenty years you haven't cut your

540
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 1: hair and they're like, oh, I understand that now. And

541
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,480
Speaker 1: you know, as we've gotten through the different seasons, people

542
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,040
Speaker 1: are like, oh, I get it, but at the first

543
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 1: people are like culture, what does that mean? So working

544
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:02,439
Speaker 1: as a social Workground MSW, the population I work with

545
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,879
Speaker 1: first was LGBT youth and you know, I worked in

546
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:10,000
Speaker 1: the fosscare system. They were kids who were being placed

547
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,639
Speaker 1: in different homes, were you know, trying to go up

548
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:16,680
Speaker 1: for adoption, and within that you start to learn the

549
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,119
Speaker 1: trauma and helping them to work through their trauma. But

550
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:22,320
Speaker 1: then also what is the best plan for this child

551
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 1: so that they can have some assimilation of a life

552
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 1: that is going to be best for them. And so

553
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,040
Speaker 1: you have to start figuring out simple things is like

554
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: who is the best family member that we can contact

555
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,600
Speaker 1: or what is the best foster home that we can

556
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,600
Speaker 1: put them in, and how can you continue the services

557
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:42,080
Speaker 1: and what services they need. So it's always figuring those

558
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 1: things out. And even before you get to that place,

559
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 1: Like I remember when I do home visits, the first

560
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:50,600
Speaker 1: thing you're looking for in home visit is neglect, like

561
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: is there a sign of neglect here? And you know,

562
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 1: that's also like something that I bring to queer eye

563
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 1: into my own life. I think, am I neglecting myself?

564
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:02,720
Speaker 1: And where am I neglecting myself? And then how do

565
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:06,320
Speaker 1: I then start to identify the solutions I need to

566
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 1: work on that neglect so I'm not neglecting that anymore,

567
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,000
Speaker 1: you know. And for Hours show, it's a little bit

568
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:13,200
Speaker 1: easier in some of the categories because it's like, oh,

569
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 1: you're neglecting your hair, your clothes, your home, your diet,

570
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 1: So now we have to figure out why have you

571
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,840
Speaker 1: been neglecting those things? What's going on? And that all

572
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: started from my work that I did for twelve years,

573
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 1: and you know, prior to the real world, after the

574
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,560
Speaker 1: real world, because after the real world, I didn't work

575
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,720
Speaker 1: in television at all, because I didn't I had a

576
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:36,720
Speaker 1: dream being in television, but being enough home, where my

577
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,880
Speaker 1: parents are immigrants. TV is not a real job. I

578
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:41,280
Speaker 1: was like, you have to go get a real job.

579
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:44,560
Speaker 1: You have to do something that we can tell people

580
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,760
Speaker 1: so that we feel proud, you know, that whole thing.

581
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:51,000
Speaker 1: And so it wasn't until maybe four or five years

582
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 1: ago that my youngest son inspired me to go out

583
00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 1: of my dreams. And that's when working in TV, and

584
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:57,560
Speaker 1: that's when I started to figure out, how can I

585
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,720
Speaker 1: use the skill set that I have to this career

586
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 1: here as a host, and so, you know, I bring

587
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 1: my training every day to what I do. You know,

588
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,720
Speaker 1: I just wish my title on the show was life

589
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 1: coach or something. But you know, what I think is

590
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 1: interesting and God, I get that. I get what you're saying,

591
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,480
Speaker 1: and especially how how that can make you feel like

592
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 1: I do very serious work. Actually, but I almost wonder,

593
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 1: and this is obviously me speculating, but if because the

594
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: show is so transformative and challenging for people, and you

595
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:39,400
Speaker 1: managed to challenge people in such a gentle way, I

596
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,840
Speaker 1: wonder if they had said social worker, if people would

597
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:45,040
Speaker 1: have been immediately turned off, if they would have thought,

598
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't

599
00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 1: want to talk to a therapist. I don't want to.

600
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,960
Speaker 1: So you come in and they say he's this cultural

601
00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 1: expert and people are like, oh cool, what's that? And

602
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 1: they're curious and so they're energetically open to the work.

603
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:03,000
Speaker 1: Where As you know the number of people I've spoken to,

604
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:05,320
Speaker 1: I'm like, I am the biggest proponent of therapy, and

605
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 1: like everybody go to therapy and people get really scared.

606
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,720
Speaker 1: People are like culture to be afraid of that, yes,

607
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,840
Speaker 1: which is it's so crazy. Chelsea Handler said the smartest thing.

608
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 1: I spoke to her recently and she was like, therapy

609
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,760
Speaker 1: is my mental gym. She was like, I want my

610
00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,000
Speaker 1: body to be strong. I want my brain to be strong.

611
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,920
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, yeah, we should start talking

612
00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: about it as a mental gym. Yes. I tell people

613
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 1: all the time when I give lectures around the country,

614
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:32,680
Speaker 1: I want people to get to a place where they

615
00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: talk about their mental health the same way they talk

616
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 1: about their physical health. And I try to give people

617
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 1: suggestions of how they can do that. For instance, if

618
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 1: you we all know that person or all of us

619
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:44,960
Speaker 1: will go to work and we'll be like I'm starting

620
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 1: a new diet, I'm going to the gym, I'm doing that.

621
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:48,960
Speaker 1: We did it before we started this interview, Yes we did.

622
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 1: We were both like, oh my gosh, we're gonna get

623
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: our Christmas body on this and like whatever. But we

624
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 1: don't talk about our mental health in the same way.

625
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 1: And so I encourage people. The first step is if

626
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,760
Speaker 1: you're going to talk about a diet, talk about a

627
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 1: new way that you're going to focus on your health

628
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 1: in front of publicly. And part of that comes as

629
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 1: simple as this. When someone says to you, how are

630
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,400
Speaker 1: you doing. If you're not okay, do not say that

631
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: you're okay. And we've been trained as a culture to

632
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,800
Speaker 1: feel like if I say what I'm truly feeling, I'm

633
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 1: a burden, that I'm being needy, or you know, like

634
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,880
Speaker 1: it's yeah weak, or all the things that come along

635
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 1: with that. So you got to start being able to

636
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:35,640
Speaker 1: say I'm not okay and express it out loud, because

637
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 1: what happens when you keep it in your head it

638
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,640
Speaker 1: becomes darker, it becomes bigger than it is. Anything that's

639
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,880
Speaker 1: lodged in your subconscious Is this waiting to be realized?

640
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:45,600
Speaker 1: And will it be realized in a positive way or

641
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: negative way? Secondly, just like with your physical health. You

642
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 1: will find a gym buddy, you'll find a workout partner,

643
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 1: you'll go with. You'll be like, oh, I need you

644
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:57,600
Speaker 1: to come, let's go to gym together, let's go on

645
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 1: and run together. But you won't do that with your

646
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 1: mental health. You'll sit there and you'll try to figure

647
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:06,120
Speaker 1: this out on your own. And the thing is that's

648
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:09,600
Speaker 1: part of the stigma with therapists, counselor's life coach. So

649
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:13,000
Speaker 1: why not find someone in your life that's the healthiest

650
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 1: person mentally and start to have conversation with them. It's

651
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:20,000
Speaker 1: an easy step to get to talking about your mental

652
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 1: health with someone you can trust. And a lot of

653
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,560
Speaker 1: times I would recommend it not being a best friend

654
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,480
Speaker 1: because what happens is that when they're your best friend,

655
00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:31,040
Speaker 1: you think, oh, we're really talking about mental health, but

656
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:33,440
Speaker 1: really it's an echo chamber. They're just gonna say to

657
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 1: you what you need to hear because they understand. It's

658
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,080
Speaker 1: rare when people really have those true relationships where someone's

659
00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:43,400
Speaker 1: going to push you out of your comfort zone. That's

660
00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:45,240
Speaker 1: what the train is for. They push you out your

661
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 1: comfort zone. So find someone who's who's talking about the

662
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,440
Speaker 1: mental health that doesn't know your mom, your dad, your sisters,

663
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:54,040
Speaker 1: your cousins, because they're not gonna be biased and they're

664
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:57,520
Speaker 1: gonna try to help to push you. Also re evaluate

665
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,560
Speaker 1: your tribe the people you're around, the same way you

666
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 1: would go to a gym and you would be like,

667
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 1: I don't like that there's all muscle guys here, and

668
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 1: then they're dropping weights. Same thing, look at the people

669
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 1: around you, say, is this tribe that I'm around? Actually

670
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 1: what I need to be happy when I walk out

671
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 1: of here is the people I'm sitting with that lunch.

672
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,120
Speaker 1: Are the people that I'm talking to really my tribe

673
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:22,080
Speaker 1: when it comes to my mental health. Same way you're

674
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,520
Speaker 1: in a gym and I'm like, oh, everyone seems really

675
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 1: beautiful and stuck up. I don't want to be here anymore.

676
00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:29,759
Speaker 1: Find people around you. And so my hope is that

677
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,399
Speaker 1: people can start to and I have a whole list

678
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:34,439
Speaker 1: of these of ways that people can simply figure out

679
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:38,239
Speaker 1: how to equate their physical health to their mental health,

680
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: because that's only way you're gonna really start focusing on

681
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:44,160
Speaker 1: it if you realize it's just as accessible as you're

682
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,400
Speaker 1: going to the gym. You're changing your diet and you

683
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:51,280
Speaker 1: have to be thoughtful about it. You have to choose it.

684
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,799
Speaker 1: It's so awesome and it is so crazy, isn't it

685
00:34:54,840 --> 00:35:00,960
Speaker 1: that we've never really been told to think about it

686
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 1: or prioritize it. You know, it's it's so it's so wild.

687
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,520
Speaker 1: It starts at school, and I, you know, I try

688
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 1: to do a lot of work with the education system

689
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:17,399
Speaker 1: in our country because that's where our kids are really

690
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:20,120
Speaker 1: being formed, even more than at home. I think for me,

691
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,960
Speaker 1: it goes school, television and parents. I know a lot

692
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,280
Speaker 1: of people would disagree with me, but I personally feel

693
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,839
Speaker 1: working in social services, working with children, that's where they're

694
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:32,760
Speaker 1: getting the training tools they need to be the adults.

695
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:35,880
Speaker 1: They look at what's happening in school, how people are interacting,

696
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:39,520
Speaker 1: how they're being taught. Then they get home, they're watching

697
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:44,759
Speaker 1: their screens, their phones, their iPads, their computers, their televisions

698
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:47,239
Speaker 1: that are now informing or reinforcing what they just saw

699
00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:50,840
Speaker 1: at school. And then the parents come in and drop

700
00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:54,279
Speaker 1: a little things on them unconsciously or consciously. And so

701
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:56,359
Speaker 1: if we're looking at this in that way of like

702
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:59,560
Speaker 1: this pyramid of like that's at the top, well, at school,

703
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,080
Speaker 1: we need to be talking about these things in a

704
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,400
Speaker 1: better way. You know, we need to be at school

705
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:06,239
Speaker 1: and teachers need to have better training about mental health.

706
00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: I think about the pressure we put on kids and

707
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:14,120
Speaker 1: how that affects their lives. You know, Like, it's so

708
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:17,719
Speaker 1: horrible to me that we expect children to figure out

709
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 1: their entire lives by the age of eighteen. You have

710
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:21,719
Speaker 1: to know a college you have to go to, you

711
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 1: have to know a career you want. You have to

712
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:27,440
Speaker 1: It's so irresponsible, And how is anyone supposed to figure

713
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:30,359
Speaker 1: out what they want, what makes them feel good, what

714
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:34,680
Speaker 1: fulfills them without experimenting. This idea that you're meant to

715
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:38,120
Speaker 1: pick before you've tried anything is so backwards, so backwards.

716
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,000
Speaker 1: And then that brings to the second point. How are

717
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:43,560
Speaker 1: we in a school that no longer fosters curiosity and experimentation.

718
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:46,560
Speaker 1: So it's like, you know, once you get to college,

719
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:48,920
Speaker 1: they say pick your close course load. You know, now

720
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 1: you can try this, to try that. But if I've

721
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,959
Speaker 1: been taught for twelve years, I'm not allowed to pick.

722
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: I have to just go with this path that you

723
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 1: put in front of me. Then I don't know how

724
00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 1: to do that, and it's not going to be done

725
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:01,600
Speaker 1: proper and you don't You certainly don't know how to

726
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:03,319
Speaker 1: do it in a healthy way, in a healthy way.

727
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:05,200
Speaker 1: So why can't we get to a place with our

728
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:10,080
Speaker 1: education system where yes, we are of course giving fundamentals

729
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,520
Speaker 1: to our kids, but where they're actually being able to

730
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:15,080
Speaker 1: experiment what they want. I think this fact of like

731
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,360
Speaker 1: the fact that electives are being cut that you know,

732
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:21,240
Speaker 1: there's only two in a you know school now, no horrible.

733
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:25,440
Speaker 1: You should be having like four or five six electives personally,

734
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:30,040
Speaker 1: because are all the dance, because that's what you see,

735
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:32,759
Speaker 1: you know. I also don't believe that a child has

736
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 1: spent all day in a classroom, meaning going from the

737
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,759
Speaker 1: classroom the classroom, there needs to be at least two

738
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:42,239
Speaker 1: to three periods outside like that, just cognitively. Anybody go

739
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:45,080
Speaker 1: research it. When you go outside, the sun, the fresh air,

740
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:49,680
Speaker 1: it totally changes your whole mental health, your physical health,

741
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:53,799
Speaker 1: it changes everything, changes the way your brain. So why

742
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,759
Speaker 1: are we keeping children stuck in a classroom? Yes, and

743
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,640
Speaker 1: then they leave the classroom and leave school when they're

744
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,239
Speaker 1: not getting any of this training, they're not being able

745
00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:02,160
Speaker 1: to be curious or not getting anything that's really going

746
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:03,759
Speaker 1: to give them the skills they need to be their

747
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 1: best self. And then they go home and now they're

748
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:11,400
Speaker 1: watching are their screens that reinforce these negative behaviors and

749
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:14,279
Speaker 1: these thoughts of like anxiety, fear. And then by the

750
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:16,440
Speaker 1: time the parents get home, they're like, I'm stressed and

751
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:18,520
Speaker 1: overwhelmed because I went to that same process. I don't

752
00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:20,440
Speaker 1: know how to deal with this, but I'm gonna try.

753
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:23,680
Speaker 1: And they're You're they're picking up signals from you that

754
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:26,719
Speaker 1: you're not trying to give, but unconsciously you're giving. And

755
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:31,359
Speaker 1: often parents are harping on grades rather than debating with

756
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:35,000
Speaker 1: their kids, critically thinking with their kids, teaching their kids

757
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,520
Speaker 1: to look at two sides of something and analyze it.

758
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:41,440
Speaker 1: And and something that I love that you talk about

759
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,719
Speaker 1: is how as a parent, you don't want to tell

760
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,399
Speaker 1: your kids you know best. You want to hear their

761
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:51,600
Speaker 1: opinion and tell them your opinion and talk about it always,

762
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 1: and you validate that their opinions are meaningful. This whole

763
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,359
Speaker 1: idea of I'm your elder, I know more. It's like,

764
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:01,920
Speaker 1: but what if you don't, and they don't a lot

765
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:03,880
Speaker 1: of times we don't. It's like you didn't have the

766
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:07,719
Speaker 1: experience I had today. Let's talk about it. Yeah, And

767
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:09,920
Speaker 1: I think that's part of the whole thing with it

768
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 1: of like getting to a place where I'm just like parents,

769
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:17,319
Speaker 1: we need to start understanding. Stop telling your kids I

770
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:19,600
Speaker 1: love that you just said that about the debating about grades,

771
00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:21,960
Speaker 1: and like that you're no longer a good child. You're

772
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:23,400
Speaker 1: not doing what you need to do because you're not

773
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 1: getting a grade. Maybe I'm not interested. Maybe there's a

774
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,680
Speaker 1: learned dis building so many things. And then also have

775
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:31,640
Speaker 1: a conversation about their day and their experience without telling

776
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:34,759
Speaker 1: them what they should be feeling, because you haven't been

777
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,160
Speaker 1: in their shoes. You may think you have. I like,

778
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 1: I try to never with my kids when they come

779
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 1: home and tell me their issues, to be like, oh,

780
00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:44,840
Speaker 1: I've been there, I know what it's like. I don't.

781
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 1: I don't because no matter if the large picture seems

782
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:54,880
Speaker 1: familiar to me, meaning you're in high school, you're saying

783
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 1: you don't like this teacher. You know these large picture

784
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,399
Speaker 1: things may seem familiar to me, but then you wants

785
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:03,600
Speaker 1: of it are not the same. And that means if

786
00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:06,600
Speaker 1: you can recognize that, that means you deserve to share

787
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:09,200
Speaker 1: your opinion, to share your experience and for us to

788
00:40:09,239 --> 00:40:11,439
Speaker 1: have a conversation about it. And that's what I try

789
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,240
Speaker 1: to do with them, because that's really what foster's growth

790
00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 1: and critical thinking and all these beautiful things that adults

791
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:21,400
Speaker 1: really actually need. And so it's like, how can we

792
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 1: start to switch all these things one by one, you know,

793
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,520
Speaker 1: the school system, media, and then how parents are treating

794
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:35,840
Speaker 1: their kids so that we can foster better children. Okay, everybody,

795
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:43,680
Speaker 1: how is your experience in school? Because I know that

796
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:47,359
Speaker 1: you grew up in Texas and then moved to Florida. Yes,

797
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 1: when my parents got divorced. When I was when that happened, Okay,

798
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 1: and what was that whole transition? I mean, I guess,

799
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,920
Speaker 1: both with your family and changing school systems, how was

800
00:40:56,960 --> 00:40:59,000
Speaker 1: that for you as a kid? It was that was

801
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:03,759
Speaker 1: challenging for me because I my father being immigrants, we

802
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:06,040
Speaker 1: didn't grow up rich. My I talked about this in

803
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 1: my memoir. He was had a lot of bad qualities,

804
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:11,360
Speaker 1: had a lot of good qualities. And one of his

805
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:13,640
Speaker 1: good qualities that he thought he was doing the best

806
00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,600
Speaker 1: for us is that though we were never zoned to

807
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:20,359
Speaker 1: schools that were better quote unquote, and the only reason

808
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,600
Speaker 1: they were better was because they were better funded, better

809
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:27,040
Speaker 1: teacher student ratio, and those were normally in white neighborhoods,

810
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:30,359
Speaker 1: so he would find an apartment building right on the

811
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 1: edge of whatever school was the best school, so that

812
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,000
Speaker 1: we could go there. So of course it gave us

813
00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:39,279
Speaker 1: better opportunities because we're now in these better schools. But

814
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,759
Speaker 1: then we were the only children of color in there.

815
00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 1: We were the only children or one of twenty kids

816
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:47,200
Speaker 1: who had immigrant parents. You know, there might have been

817
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:50,640
Speaker 1: an Asian person or an Indian person or whatever, but

818
00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:54,000
Speaker 1: for the most part I felt isolated. So I remember

819
00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 1: my school lunches. Third grade is the last time it happened.

820
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,360
Speaker 1: Because I was like so ashamed of my culture. My

821
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:02,560
Speaker 1: mother gave me curry goat to bring the school, which

822
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 1: is my favorite dish. Even did this thing curry goat

823
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:06,760
Speaker 1: and rice rice white rice. If you haven't tried it, people,

824
00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:09,360
Speaker 1: try it. I know it sounds anywhere for curry with

825
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:12,400
Speaker 1: you any day and listen, come to the house. Well

826
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:16,640
Speaker 1: I'll cook, I'll come coming over, Okay, But we had

827
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,920
Speaker 1: She made curry goat for me for lunch to bring,

828
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,360
Speaker 1: and I remember getting in school and being so excited

829
00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:24,560
Speaker 1: to eat my curry goat I opened it up, and

830
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:28,399
Speaker 1: every student around me was like, what the hell is that?

831
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:32,000
Speaker 1: What's going on? Gross? You're disgusting you. And I had

832
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 1: this spotlight on me that told me my culture was

833
00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:37,120
Speaker 1: wrong because my father put me an environment hoping to

834
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,920
Speaker 1: make me better. That then also made me feel bad

835
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:43,040
Speaker 1: about who I was because it it mothered me. And

836
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:46,160
Speaker 1: I remember picking up my curry goat throwing it in

837
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:50,399
Speaker 1: the trash, and every day from then on, I was like, Mom,

838
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:51,880
Speaker 1: you never make my lunch again. I'm gonna make my

839
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:54,440
Speaker 1: own lunch. And I would go to school to mimic

840
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,000
Speaker 1: what other people did, and that sort of became what

841
00:42:57,080 --> 00:43:01,440
Speaker 1: I did to survive throughout high school. So in a sense,

842
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:05,640
Speaker 1: I excelled because I never I never felt like an

843
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:08,120
Speaker 1: outcast ever. Again, I always had tons of friends, I

844
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,120
Speaker 1: was super involved in student government, I played sports. But

845
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:12,799
Speaker 1: it was because I got to this place where I

846
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,640
Speaker 1: learned how to mimic what the masses did so that

847
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,360
Speaker 1: people felt comfortable around me, and then I no longer

848
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:22,440
Speaker 1: felt other And how did that? Did you notice the

849
00:43:22,520 --> 00:43:28,160
Speaker 1: difference in experience? I'm curious just having learned from other people.

850
00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:33,160
Speaker 1: As you grew quite literally in age and size, I mean,

851
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 1: you are a tall, big, beautiful black man. I'm like you,

852
00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 1: but I have been lucky enough to learn about other

853
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:49,680
Speaker 1: people's experiences. And one of the things that's always been

854
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:53,399
Speaker 1: so striking to me is that my male friends who

855
00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:57,319
Speaker 1: look like you, who have a version of your skin

856
00:43:57,360 --> 00:44:01,479
Speaker 1: color and your size, talk about how the bigger they got,

857
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:06,000
Speaker 1: the more they needed to be really careful to fit

858
00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:12,520
Speaker 1: in to not be seen as stereotypically intimidating. And I'm

859
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:16,480
Speaker 1: curious about your experience in high school moving from Texas

860
00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:19,080
Speaker 1: being in Florida. You you went to Marjorie Stone and

861
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:24,600
Speaker 1: Douglas and what that's like not only being in the

862
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,680
Speaker 1: body that you were born in, but being the man

863
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:31,480
Speaker 1: that you were born as, being this big, beautiful black

864
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:35,200
Speaker 1: man who's also gay. What what is that like when

865
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 1: you're a teenager. It made me very self conscious and

866
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:42,120
Speaker 1: self aware because I was very clear about my actions,

867
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:44,600
Speaker 1: and that started even before then, so I always was

868
00:44:44,719 --> 00:44:48,440
Speaker 1: very aware of how I approached people, what I said,

869
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:52,080
Speaker 1: what activities I did, how I dressed, where I went.

870
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:56,279
Speaker 1: And it's a very unhealthy place in state to live

871
00:44:56,280 --> 00:45:00,279
Speaker 1: in where you're constantly worried about what others PERCEI of

872
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:01,880
Speaker 1: you is going to be. But for me it was

873
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:04,400
Speaker 1: a protection. It was like, I gotta protect myself. I

874
00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:06,760
Speaker 1: don't want to be outcast. I want to have friends,

875
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:10,080
Speaker 1: I want to feel good, I want to not be

876
00:45:10,239 --> 00:45:12,560
Speaker 1: seen as a threat. All these things, so I would

877
00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:16,160
Speaker 1: consistently I don't want to be seen as the other

878
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:18,359
Speaker 1: because I can't. I started letting people into my life

879
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,160
Speaker 1: regarding my sexuality of the age of fifteen. So you

880
00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:24,399
Speaker 1: came out. Yeah, I don't ever use the term coming

881
00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:26,680
Speaker 1: out because I think it takes away the power from

882
00:45:26,719 --> 00:45:29,359
Speaker 1: people in our community. I use the term letting people in,

883
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:32,319
Speaker 1: which is what it is, you know, like coming out

884
00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:34,759
Speaker 1: and give someone else the power to accept or deny you,

885
00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:36,799
Speaker 1: and the only person who you should be worried about

886
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,960
Speaker 1: accepting you as yourself. And also it helps you to

887
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:43,120
Speaker 1: realize you can set boundaries. You know, me letting someone

888
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:45,799
Speaker 1: into that intimate part of my life means that I

889
00:45:45,840 --> 00:45:47,400
Speaker 1: respect you and love you enough. It doesn't mean that

890
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:49,600
Speaker 1: I'm ashamed if I didn't don't let her in or

891
00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:53,320
Speaker 1: I don't let her in. It's my choice. And except

892
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:58,920
Speaker 1: verse this idea that another gym just versus this idea

893
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 1: that it's not my choice, and everyone has to know. Like,

894
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:04,320
Speaker 1: so I started letting people in my life at fifteen

895
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:06,680
Speaker 1: and and and you know it, it was like I

896
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 1: didn't want to be perceived as you know, wrong because

897
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:14,200
Speaker 1: of my sexuality. And so I picked up quickly that

898
00:46:14,239 --> 00:46:17,000
Speaker 1: if I was more effeminate, that somehow that back then

899
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,239
Speaker 1: seemed I was wrong. So I put on this sort

900
00:46:19,239 --> 00:46:21,719
Speaker 1: of idea that I'm more masculine, and it drew me

901
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 1: in a football and drew me in And so it

902
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:26,960
Speaker 1: was always a protection of like how I talked about

903
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:30,120
Speaker 1: my culture and how I talked about my parents being immigrants.

904
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:34,120
Speaker 1: You know, um, I for the longest I stopped talking

905
00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:37,720
Speaker 1: about them coming to this country and not having anything

906
00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:40,359
Speaker 1: like it was omitted from the story I would tell

907
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:42,680
Speaker 1: because I was like, you're going to think that my

908
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:46,960
Speaker 1: parents are were princes and queens in their country and

909
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:48,759
Speaker 1: we just came here and now we're just as good

910
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:52,000
Speaker 1: as you. I wasn't gonna say anymore that they struggled,

911
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:53,920
Speaker 1: and because I didn't see the beauty and their struggle,

912
00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:57,080
Speaker 1: it was like their struggle made me feel different because

913
00:46:57,120 --> 00:46:59,640
Speaker 1: your parents didn't struggle. And so I constantly just found

914
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,640
Speaker 1: myself in those moments of like what am I gonna say?

915
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:05,120
Speaker 1: What am I gonna do to make other people feel

916
00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:07,719
Speaker 1: like I'm okay and that they can be all right

917
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:10,920
Speaker 1: around me? And it got exhausting. And then by the

918
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:16,200
Speaker 1: time I got to twelfth grade, I got accepted several colleges,

919
00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:22,879
Speaker 1: and my father saw me living this very dual, exhausting existence,

920
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 1: and he never talked about it with me, but he

921
00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:27,839
Speaker 1: was like he knew enough was enough. I mean even

922
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:30,360
Speaker 1: to the point I mean I talked about my book I.

923
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:34,520
Speaker 1: People didn't know me as Karamo. In high school. My

924
00:47:34,719 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: nickname was first KK, and then I stopped having people

925
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:42,040
Speaker 1: call me KK because I thought it was too young sounding.

926
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,439
Speaker 1: Because I didn't want anyone to call me Karamo because

927
00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:46,840
Speaker 1: it means I was different and people can pronounced it

928
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:48,799
Speaker 1: and they would say you're Camaro and Camar and I

929
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:51,279
Speaker 1: just was like nope, So it went to KK. And

930
00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:53,200
Speaker 1: then when we got to high school, I didn't like

931
00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:55,840
Speaker 1: KK because it was young, so I started calling myself Jason.

932
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:58,920
Speaker 1: Where the hell Jason came from, I don't know, but

933
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:01,239
Speaker 1: it was the most easy going names. So people in

934
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:05,880
Speaker 1: high school called me Jason. I was known as Jason wow. Literally,

935
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:10,600
Speaker 1: and so my father watching his son go by Jason,

936
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:12,600
Speaker 1: and he gave me my name. He's a Rassafari and

937
00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:15,040
Speaker 1: he was proud of giving his son a name from

938
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:19,279
Speaker 1: African despora that had meaning. And he was like, you're

939
00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:22,319
Speaker 1: going by Jason, what are you ashamed of? And so

940
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:24,279
Speaker 1: as I was going getting picking the college, I was

941
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:27,880
Speaker 1: gonna accept the two. He strongly encouraged me to go

942
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:31,200
Speaker 1: to historically black college and university. And I didn't understand

943
00:48:31,239 --> 00:48:33,200
Speaker 1: at the time because it was confusing to me. You

944
00:48:33,239 --> 00:48:36,040
Speaker 1: had put me for the last twelve years in predominantly

945
00:48:36,040 --> 00:48:38,920
Speaker 1: white schools and now you're forcing me to go to

946
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:42,799
Speaker 1: a predominantly black school. It didn't make any sense to me,

947
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:44,480
Speaker 1: and I fought against it. I was like, what is

948
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:48,200
Speaker 1: wrong with you? You literally made me this way and

949
00:48:48,239 --> 00:48:50,040
Speaker 1: now you're trying to force me to go somewhere else.

950
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:52,360
Speaker 1: I don't I don't have that many black friends. I

951
00:48:52,360 --> 00:48:53,600
Speaker 1: don't know any of these things, like what are you?

952
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:57,600
Speaker 1: What are you doing to me? But Dad one best

953
00:48:57,640 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 1: decision he ever made, because I got to Florida in

954
00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:05,120
Speaker 1: the university where I graduated from, and I was surrounded

955
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:08,640
Speaker 1: around people of color who had immigrant parents, who owned

956
00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:11,600
Speaker 1: their story, who didn't feel like they had to play

957
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:16,880
Speaker 1: and do things to fit in, who found the beauty

958
00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:20,520
Speaker 1: and their struggle and the beauty of their strength, and

959
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:22,239
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I just remember the first

960
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:25,799
Speaker 1: day I read about this, I walked into orientation and

961
00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:28,239
Speaker 1: the girl walking in who was walking in, her name

962
00:49:28,320 --> 00:49:31,520
Speaker 1: was Karama. First time I've ever met somebody, and she

963
00:49:31,600 --> 00:49:33,440
Speaker 1: was like, what's your name? And I was like, I

964
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:35,920
Speaker 1: almost said Jason, and she was like, I was like Karamo.

965
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:38,799
Speaker 1: She's like, oh, just like mine. How cool going Karamo.

966
00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:41,040
Speaker 1: It was the first time I've experienced that because in

967
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:44,760
Speaker 1: high school when someone said Karamo, all of my friends

968
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:47,560
Speaker 1: and teachers were like, Karama, let's call her name. As

969
00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:50,880
Speaker 1: that first time, got to this large auditorium with other students,

970
00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:54,200
Speaker 1: the freshman advisor got on stage and started saying our

971
00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:56,319
Speaker 1: names to give us our package. They got to my

972
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:59,799
Speaker 1: name and this woman did not mispronounce my name, and

973
00:50:00,239 --> 00:50:01,719
Speaker 1: all this stud I was on this path where I

974
00:50:01,719 --> 00:50:07,080
Speaker 1: felt accepted. I now was Karamo. Then I remember they

975
00:50:07,080 --> 00:50:09,319
Speaker 1: had this thing on campus where they had all the

976
00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:12,000
Speaker 1: clubs and there was a big Jamaican club there. There

977
00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:14,279
Speaker 1: was a Cuban club, and my parents Jamaican cubid and

978
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:18,600
Speaker 1: I was like what And they had food out there

979
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:20,680
Speaker 1: for the little festival and guess what they had out there?

980
00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:26,440
Speaker 1: No bs curry go yes, And I was like, I

981
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 1: can eat this and no one's gonna make fun of me.

982
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:30,920
Speaker 1: And to feel seen, I feel seen and I feel safe.

983
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:34,000
Speaker 1: And that changed the way that I started going through life.

984
00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:36,880
Speaker 1: And I always trying to encourage people. Anytime you feel

985
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:40,840
Speaker 1: like you have to code switch, you know, like change

986
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:42,880
Speaker 1: who you are to fit into an environment, That's what

987
00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:45,920
Speaker 1: that means. Assimilate in some way. Anytime you have to

988
00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:49,560
Speaker 1: hide who you are, it's it's I understand why you're

989
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:52,319
Speaker 1: doing it. You're trying to defend yourself. You're trying to

990
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 1: feel safe. But as you're on your journey of growth,

991
00:50:56,120 --> 00:51:02,120
Speaker 1: find your tribe inside of social media and a club somewhere.

992
00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 1: Actively just try to find people who are going to

993
00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:07,560
Speaker 1: see you for who you are. And that's the first

994
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:11,160
Speaker 1: step in loving yourself, finding self worth, and being okay

995
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:15,680
Speaker 1: with every part of your identity. I think so much

996
00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:17,799
Speaker 1: about and I'm glad you brought it up. I was

997
00:51:17,840 --> 00:51:20,920
Speaker 1: thinking while you were talking about that sort of dual

998
00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:22,960
Speaker 1: life you felt like you were leading in high school.

999
00:51:24,040 --> 00:51:30,360
Speaker 1: The amount of emotional labor that code switching requires of people,

1000
00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:34,960
Speaker 1: like I think we hear people talk about emotional labor

1001
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:38,600
Speaker 1: and relationships and how in heteronormative relationships, women are often

1002
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:41,160
Speaker 1: assigned a lot of emotional labor around the house and

1003
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:46,720
Speaker 1: with the kids, and I mean, it's fance, but I

1004
00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:50,480
Speaker 1: I think that we have to have conversations around the

1005
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:58,000
Speaker 1: emotional labor that is heaped on children when assimilation is

1006
00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:01,799
Speaker 1: required for survival. And when I think about how sad

1007
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:05,839
Speaker 1: that is. You know, my I am for my dad,

1008
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 1: I'm a first generation American and via my mom a

1009
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 1: second my mom's mom and grandparents came here literally on

1010
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:19,640
Speaker 1: a boat through Ellis Island from Italy, and my grandmother

1011
00:52:20,239 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 1: wanted them to assimilate so badly because they experienced such

1012
00:52:24,239 --> 00:52:29,520
Speaker 1: intense bigotry in New York City. There was so much,

1013
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:34,280
Speaker 1: you know, the the slurs used for Italian people. While

1014
00:52:34,880 --> 00:52:37,959
Speaker 1: not amounting to the amount of horror by any sense

1015
00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:41,040
Speaker 1: that people of color have gone through, they were really

1016
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:46,399
Speaker 1: degrading and traumatizing in the relativism that my family was experiencing.

1017
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:50,680
Speaker 1: Looking the way we look, but being immigrants and my

1018
00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:56,360
Speaker 1: grandmother demanded that her mother stopped speaking Italian to my

1019
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:58,840
Speaker 1: mother and her brother. They were not allowed to speak

1020
00:52:58,840 --> 00:53:02,120
Speaker 1: Italian in the house, and my mom lost her culture.

1021
00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:06,400
Speaker 1: She doesn't have it anymore. And she knows how to

1022
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,759
Speaker 1: make her grandmother's meat balls, and she knows there's a

1023
00:53:08,800 --> 00:53:11,560
Speaker 1: couple of things that she held because she used to

1024
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:15,560
Speaker 1: cook with her grandma. But my great grandma made pasta

1025
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:18,240
Speaker 1: by hand, and all she had, all of these traditions.

1026
00:53:18,239 --> 00:53:21,640
Speaker 1: They made cheese in the basement, and in one generation

1027
00:53:21,680 --> 00:53:28,400
Speaker 1: it disappeared. And I'm so for all the nightmarishness that

1028
00:53:28,480 --> 00:53:31,680
Speaker 1: exists in the world today. And you know, the quote leadership,

1029
00:53:31,719 --> 00:53:33,960
Speaker 1: I can't call them leaders that we have installed in

1030
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:36,160
Speaker 1: the country frightened me very much for all of us.

1031
00:53:37,080 --> 00:53:41,040
Speaker 1: But I am so grateful for whatever is happening that

1032
00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:44,800
Speaker 1: we get to have these conversations and that I feel

1033
00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:47,560
Speaker 1: like there's a whole group of people really working to

1034
00:53:47,640 --> 00:53:52,440
Speaker 1: teach kids that different is exciting and that we should

1035
00:53:52,520 --> 00:53:56,600
Speaker 1: lean into other people's cultures and learn about other people's cultures.

1036
00:53:57,080 --> 00:53:59,160
Speaker 1: And I feel so grateful that I got to go

1037
00:53:59,719 --> 00:54:02,160
Speaker 1: to a junior high in high school where that was embraced.

1038
00:54:02,600 --> 00:54:06,120
Speaker 1: We had a Culture Day every semester, and all the

1039
00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:08,239
Speaker 1: families would come and my friend Mega's mom would do

1040
00:54:08,320 --> 00:54:11,000
Speaker 1: Hanna for people, and we learned about Hinduism, and my

1041
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:14,400
Speaker 1: friend Chelsea's parents, who were Greek Orthodox, would make you know,

1042
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:17,359
Speaker 1: the rice and leaf wraps. I don't even I don't

1043
00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:19,520
Speaker 1: know what they're called. I can't remember, but we and

1044
00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:23,000
Speaker 1: we would experience everybody's food and families and learn about

1045
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:27,319
Speaker 1: people's religions. And it was I think about how progressive

1046
00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:29,960
Speaker 1: the people who ran that school were, by the way

1047
00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:34,280
Speaker 1: in Pasadena, which like you wouldn't expect, and they wanted

1048
00:54:34,360 --> 00:54:39,720
Speaker 1: us to be in love with each other's worlds. And

1049
00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:42,560
Speaker 1: that is one of the things, back to the earlier

1050
00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:44,720
Speaker 1: part of our conversation that I feel like we're lacking

1051
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:49,480
Speaker 1: in school. You imagine if we taught kids to love culture,

1052
00:54:52,600 --> 00:54:56,719
Speaker 1: if we taught kids empathy education around consent and hand

1053
00:54:56,760 --> 00:55:00,000
Speaker 1: holding and hitting and hugging and all of these acknowledge

1054
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:03,719
Speaker 1: the emotional labor they're experiencing, Like all these things should

1055
00:55:03,880 --> 00:55:06,440
Speaker 1: are being lost. I mean, I wish we had a

1056
00:55:06,440 --> 00:55:10,600
Speaker 1: culture to day that would have probably changed my entire experience.

1057
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:13,040
Speaker 1: We're going to hear that there was none of that

1058
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:16,520
Speaker 1: like the Asian kids in my school never talked about

1059
00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:19,880
Speaker 1: their you know, like I remember probably thinking until I

1060
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:22,400
Speaker 1: was probably in the sixth seventh grade that all Asian

1061
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:25,640
Speaker 1: people were Chinese. Seriously, I know it sounds ignorant now,

1062
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:28,959
Speaker 1: but at the time I never experienced Asian people, and

1063
00:55:29,160 --> 00:55:33,400
Speaker 1: my Asian friends didn't talk about it because they didn't

1064
00:55:33,440 --> 00:55:37,840
Speaker 1: want to seem different than the white kids, and so

1065
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:39,799
Speaker 1: they were like, we're not gonna talk about this. And

1066
00:55:39,840 --> 00:55:42,239
Speaker 1: all I knew was the age the Chinese spot that

1067
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:45,000
Speaker 1: we went to and eat. So I'm like, oh, everyone's Chinese.

1068
00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:47,920
Speaker 1: And then I started again old. I was like your Cambodian,

1069
00:55:48,040 --> 00:55:51,239
Speaker 1: Oh you're Japanese. Oh You're How beautiful is all these

1070
00:55:51,239 --> 00:55:53,200
Speaker 1: different cultures that if we had a culture day and

1071
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:55,960
Speaker 1: I could have learned that early on versus being a

1072
00:55:57,040 --> 00:55:59,239
Speaker 1: three year old adult twenty one year old adult that

1073
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:02,280
Speaker 1: was actively going after it, how much would my world

1074
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:05,600
Speaker 1: and experience have changed? You know? Like I just wish

1075
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:09,640
Speaker 1: that we could really take more moments to teach kids

1076
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:13,120
Speaker 1: and to be better to children, uh, you know, and

1077
00:56:13,160 --> 00:56:15,560
Speaker 1: then invertently we're going to be better at ourselves, because

1078
00:56:15,560 --> 00:56:17,400
Speaker 1: that's where the change and the shift happens, and I

1079
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:21,359
Speaker 1: don't think we're focusing on that enough. Yeah, God, that's

1080
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:25,839
Speaker 1: so true. What that leads me thinking about kids? What's

1081
00:56:25,880 --> 00:56:31,200
Speaker 1: it like to be a dad? It's the worst. It is,

1082
00:56:31,239 --> 00:56:34,759
Speaker 1: like I feel like I am in a it is.

1083
00:56:34,960 --> 00:56:37,800
Speaker 1: It's so weird. How old are your boys? They two

1084
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:42,440
Speaker 1: and eighteen now? And you didn't no, no, I did

1085
00:56:42,480 --> 00:56:44,640
Speaker 1: not have any idea how did all that happen? Because

1086
00:56:44,640 --> 00:56:50,000
Speaker 1: you you had a girlfriend and then when we started

1087
00:56:50,080 --> 00:56:53,319
Speaker 1: letting people in you you've been in relationships with men

1088
00:56:53,400 --> 00:56:56,520
Speaker 1: since yep. So she was the last girl I dated

1089
00:56:56,520 --> 00:56:59,640
Speaker 1: when I was fourteen, and she was my best friend

1090
00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:02,319
Speaker 1: and we felt safe with each other, and so I

1091
00:57:02,400 --> 00:57:04,319
Speaker 1: let her into my life. So she was aware that

1092
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:07,759
Speaker 1: I am identified as gay, but we still decided, because

1093
00:57:07,760 --> 00:57:09,480
Speaker 1: we were feeling safe with each other that we lose

1094
00:57:09,480 --> 00:57:12,040
Speaker 1: our aginity to each other. And we didn't have any

1095
00:57:12,080 --> 00:57:15,040
Speaker 1: type of like real conversations about safe sex. That wasn't

1096
00:57:15,040 --> 00:57:17,240
Speaker 1: being talked about our school there. Well that's another hot

1097
00:57:17,280 --> 00:57:20,480
Speaker 1: mess with education, right, like, hello, sex that is important,

1098
00:57:20,800 --> 00:57:23,720
Speaker 1: very and so there was none of these conversations. So

1099
00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:26,040
Speaker 1: of course I didn't know what an orgasm met. I

1100
00:57:26,080 --> 00:57:29,040
Speaker 1: didn't know what any of this met and so it

1101
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:33,160
Speaker 1: lasted for three minutes after we were done, three if

1102
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:36,920
Speaker 1: even after we were done, I was like, so I

1103
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:38,920
Speaker 1: don't never want to do that again because I was like,

1104
00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:41,439
Speaker 1: and then I feel good and I feel really bad

1105
00:57:41,480 --> 00:57:43,320
Speaker 1: for that moment because I always think, and I've told

1106
00:57:43,320 --> 00:57:46,880
Speaker 1: her this many times because we're still close friends. Um,

1107
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:49,360
Speaker 1: I'm always like apologizing. She's like, stop apologizing, but I

1108
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:52,840
Speaker 1: always feel bad. I'm like, your first experience. The guy

1109
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:56,840
Speaker 1: afterwards was like gross. I was like, definitely, not for

1110
00:57:57,600 --> 00:58:00,920
Speaker 1: not for me. I messed with your self esteem and

1111
00:58:00,920 --> 00:58:03,440
Speaker 1: your worth because like she's like it's like she's like

1112
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:06,480
Speaker 1: it's fine, but like I'm like, I'm sorry, you know,

1113
00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:10,120
Speaker 1: because I got to experience my first time again when

1114
00:58:10,160 --> 00:58:12,480
Speaker 1: I had my first sexual account with the mail and

1115
00:58:12,560 --> 00:58:15,440
Speaker 1: so you didn't get that do over. I gotta do over.

1116
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:17,760
Speaker 1: You didn't, and I always feel bad. But anyway, she

1117
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:21,840
Speaker 1: got pregnant but I didn't know, and our parents my

1118
00:58:21,880 --> 00:58:24,040
Speaker 1: parents got divorced and I moved to Florida and she

1119
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:26,200
Speaker 1: had moved away before I moved to Florida, so I

1120
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:30,160
Speaker 1: didn't know this is before because you know, I'm thirties eight.

1121
00:58:30,200 --> 00:58:32,960
Speaker 1: I just turned thirty eight. We didn't have how internet

1122
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:34,480
Speaker 1: and social media is now. There was none of that.

1123
00:58:34,800 --> 00:58:37,720
Speaker 1: So when someone moved, it was like, yeah, there was

1124
00:58:37,720 --> 00:58:39,400
Speaker 1: no following you on social media to see that you

1125
00:58:39,440 --> 00:58:41,640
Speaker 1: had moved to Kansas or wherever. It was like, you're gone.

1126
00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:43,720
Speaker 1: And so I never thought about her because now I

1127
00:58:43,760 --> 00:58:46,000
Speaker 1: started on this journey of like where are boys? I'm

1128
00:58:46,080 --> 00:58:48,480
Speaker 1: roy crazy? I like boys, where the boys? Like what

1129
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:51,000
Speaker 1: boy am I gonna date? And so the girl I've

1130
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:52,680
Speaker 1: been there, yeah, so you know, so I was like,

1131
00:58:52,720 --> 00:58:56,000
Speaker 1: I'm not thinking about her anymore. And I went through

1132
00:58:56,040 --> 00:58:57,760
Speaker 1: high school, went to college, and then when I was

1133
00:58:57,800 --> 00:59:00,840
Speaker 1: coming home from this event, this real world road rules event,

1134
00:59:00,840 --> 00:59:02,280
Speaker 1: there was a stack of papers on my doorstep for

1135
00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:06,960
Speaker 1: back child support and I actually thought, God, honest, yeah,

1136
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:10,240
Speaker 1: I'm in the show punked. I talked about this all

1137
00:59:10,280 --> 00:59:11,920
Speaker 1: the time. I thought that I was being punked. You're like,

1138
00:59:11,920 --> 00:59:14,480
Speaker 1: where's the camera? Yeah. I swore that Ashon Cutcher was

1139
00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:16,560
Speaker 1: in my house, and he was such a hottie back then,

1140
00:59:17,120 --> 00:59:19,640
Speaker 1: and he might he saw a hottie now, but I

1141
00:59:19,720 --> 00:59:21,080
Speaker 1: was like ash and Cutchers in my house. So I

1142
00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:24,280
Speaker 1: ran downstairs, changed clothes because it's about me. Ashon Cutcher

1143
00:59:24,520 --> 00:59:26,360
Speaker 1: because I was like, there's no way I have a kid.

1144
00:59:26,440 --> 00:59:28,480
Speaker 1: I have not. I did it once. Wait does he

1145
00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:31,640
Speaker 1: know this story? I feel like there's like a hot

1146
00:59:31,760 --> 00:59:39,080
Speaker 1: dad hang in y'all's future, good looking dads who are funny. Sorry,

1147
00:59:39,120 --> 00:59:41,120
Speaker 1: that's a tangent you go on. But I'm like, wait

1148
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:43,600
Speaker 1: a minute, you have to tell him this. I'm so down.

1149
00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:46,680
Speaker 1: Like literally, the outfit I changed into for Action Cutcher,

1150
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:48,600
Speaker 1: you could not imagine. It was like my best Sean

1151
00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:51,040
Speaker 1: John Valor suit. What oh? I was like, was it

1152
00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:56,920
Speaker 1: a bomber jacket? Because sure? Yeah? That was like the

1153
00:59:57,000 --> 01:00:00,280
Speaker 1: era of the juicy tracks. Oh my god, the alers

1154
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:02,240
Speaker 1: that I used to wear those in I look back

1155
01:00:02,280 --> 01:00:06,120
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm just so humiliated those long T

1156
01:00:06,240 --> 01:00:09,439
Speaker 1: shirts that hip hop told me and my culture to wear.

1157
01:00:09,760 --> 01:00:11,920
Speaker 1: I was like, this is a skirt. Why do I

1158
01:00:11,920 --> 01:00:14,040
Speaker 1: have on a long white like I'm wearing a dress

1159
01:00:14,520 --> 01:00:16,880
Speaker 1: like which now I'm fine with, but like back then,

1160
01:00:16,960 --> 01:00:19,480
Speaker 1: it was like, what is going on with this long

1161
01:00:19,520 --> 01:00:22,760
Speaker 1: T shirt? Why is this fashion? But but it was, God,

1162
01:00:22,800 --> 01:00:26,440
Speaker 1: it was a moment. Yeah I liked it. Then I'm

1163
01:00:26,440 --> 01:00:28,840
Speaker 1: glad it's gone. You know, fashion comes back around. I'm like,

1164
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:35,120
Speaker 1: please don't let this come back. Please just skip over

1165
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:36,960
Speaker 1: the early two thousands and go back to the nineties

1166
01:00:37,040 --> 01:00:39,800
Speaker 1: or something, or the eighties. Good nineties were good, you

1167
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:44,000
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So I changed, you changed right inside,

1168
01:00:44,640 --> 01:00:46,440
Speaker 1: and there was no lights on. I was like, Oh,

1169
01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:49,400
Speaker 1: they're hiding in the back ashtions in the back ashtions

1170
01:00:49,400 --> 01:00:51,480
Speaker 1: in my rooms. What I'm thinking in my head and

1171
01:00:51,640 --> 01:00:54,840
Speaker 1: threw the papers down and I was like, who's home,

1172
01:00:55,400 --> 01:00:59,000
Speaker 1: like all dramatic mess and nobody was there. And I

1173
01:00:59,040 --> 01:01:00,600
Speaker 1: was like, oh, this is to be for my next

1174
01:01:00,600 --> 01:01:02,560
Speaker 1: door neighbor, because this clearly it's not for me. There's

1175
01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:05,640
Speaker 1: no child paternity coming for me. And later on that night,

1176
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:07,959
Speaker 1: about two o'clock in the morning, was a Friday, I

1177
01:01:08,000 --> 01:01:09,840
Speaker 1: went to get some drink and was looking at the

1178
01:01:09,880 --> 01:01:13,880
Speaker 1: papers and I saw her name, my name, and then

1179
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:18,440
Speaker 1: this child's name who's ironically dun dunt don. Remember I

1180
01:01:18,520 --> 01:01:20,600
Speaker 1: told you in high school I went by Jason. I

1181
01:01:20,640 --> 01:01:24,439
Speaker 1: actually wrote by Jason Raine. His name was Jason Rashad.

1182
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:26,880
Speaker 1: And so I was like, if this is a joke,

1183
01:01:27,120 --> 01:01:29,000
Speaker 1: this is a really well crafted joke. And I'm not

1184
01:01:29,120 --> 01:01:33,280
Speaker 1: laughing because how did you like, how in the hell

1185
01:01:33,360 --> 01:01:35,600
Speaker 1: did you find her name? My name? And then you

1186
01:01:35,640 --> 01:01:37,480
Speaker 1: knew I went by Jason Raine and now you have

1187
01:01:37,640 --> 01:01:40,880
Speaker 1: Jason Rashad as the child. I was like, did you

1188
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:43,160
Speaker 1: have that like hot Tingley feeling in your whole body?

1189
01:01:43,240 --> 01:01:45,480
Speaker 1: Allow my body? I was freaking out and it was

1190
01:01:45,520 --> 01:01:46,720
Speaker 1: two o'clock in the morning, and I was like, what

1191
01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:48,360
Speaker 1: do I do because no one's here, and like I

1192
01:01:48,400 --> 01:01:51,360
Speaker 1: can't call anybody. And it was the weekend right after that,

1193
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:53,280
Speaker 1: so it was like I couldn't even call the number

1194
01:01:53,280 --> 01:01:57,920
Speaker 1: on it and fast forward called found out that I

1195
01:01:57,920 --> 01:02:00,040
Speaker 1: need to come home back to Texas to do a

1196
01:02:00,080 --> 01:02:03,280
Speaker 1: pratornity test. Did it? I'd not. The kid was mine.

1197
01:02:04,040 --> 01:02:05,880
Speaker 1: They gave me her address because she didn't have a

1198
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:08,640
Speaker 1: phone number, and I showed up on her doorstep and knocked,

1199
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:11,600
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I was a dad. It

1200
01:02:11,680 --> 01:02:13,840
Speaker 1: was like, you know, my child was nine going on

1201
01:02:13,880 --> 01:02:16,520
Speaker 1: tent at the time, So here I am, and I'm like,

1202
01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:22,240
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do. How old were you? Wow? Yeah,

1203
01:02:22,320 --> 01:02:24,680
Speaker 1: it's like what am I supposed to with a nine

1204
01:02:24,760 --> 01:02:27,080
Speaker 1: year old? Like, I don't know this nine going on tent?

1205
01:02:27,120 --> 01:02:29,520
Speaker 1: I'm like we were And so this is after the

1206
01:02:29,560 --> 01:02:33,920
Speaker 1: real world after the world, were you back in the

1207
01:02:33,920 --> 01:02:37,160
Speaker 1: world of social work. At this point, I was doing

1208
01:02:37,200 --> 01:02:40,600
Speaker 1: these club appearances where I'd get paid ten thousand dollars

1209
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:43,800
Speaker 1: to drink with college students, which at that point I

1210
01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:46,640
Speaker 1: was balled because it was like you go in there

1211
01:02:46,640 --> 01:02:48,400
Speaker 1: and get drunk. But I was also on a spiral

1212
01:02:48,480 --> 01:02:51,640
Speaker 1: because it was like I would literally go to my

1213
01:02:51,720 --> 01:02:53,560
Speaker 1: job was a party and I would literally walk into

1214
01:02:53,920 --> 01:02:58,040
Speaker 1: the club and they would have liquor, cocaine, ecstasy, all

1215
01:02:58,120 --> 01:03:00,000
Speaker 1: that ready, because they want you to be more hyped up.

1216
01:03:00,520 --> 01:03:02,720
Speaker 1: So they're like, if you're sober, you're not gonna have

1217
01:03:02,760 --> 01:03:05,440
Speaker 1: a guitar with these kids. They missed this whole window.

1218
01:03:05,600 --> 01:03:08,320
Speaker 1: I was like working in North Carolina, which at the

1219
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:10,040
Speaker 1: time I was like, I just want to go home,

1220
01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:12,640
Speaker 1: But I think I think it was a real good

1221
01:03:12,640 --> 01:03:16,600
Speaker 1: thing to be far far away. That ero really took

1222
01:03:16,600 --> 01:03:18,920
Speaker 1: a lot of people down, and it's a lot of

1223
01:03:18,960 --> 01:03:21,520
Speaker 1: people down, and I don't think we've never really talked

1224
01:03:21,520 --> 01:03:23,120
Speaker 1: about it, and like, whoa, you know, even when you

1225
01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:24,840
Speaker 1: see some of the effects of some of our biggest

1226
01:03:24,840 --> 01:03:28,800
Speaker 1: stars today, who I still respect, Like I love Britney Spears,

1227
01:03:28,840 --> 01:03:32,880
Speaker 1: but that error did a number on her. Self esteem,

1228
01:03:32,880 --> 01:03:35,400
Speaker 1: mental health in a way that we see it and

1229
01:03:35,440 --> 01:03:38,160
Speaker 1: people like to make fun of, but we don't realize

1230
01:03:38,200 --> 01:03:40,400
Speaker 1: like that machine that was around her and all the

1231
01:03:40,440 --> 01:03:42,640
Speaker 1: things that were going on that still even happens today

1232
01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:45,920
Speaker 1: was really bad. And I've suffered from that dramatically. So

1233
01:03:46,000 --> 01:03:50,040
Speaker 1: you're in the middle of that seen and experience and

1234
01:03:50,040 --> 01:03:55,480
Speaker 1: you you feel like you're losing yourself. You find yeah,

1235
01:03:55,600 --> 01:03:57,600
Speaker 1: and so you know, people always are like, because I

1236
01:03:57,640 --> 01:03:59,919
Speaker 1: see my relationship with my son, They're like, you say,

1237
01:04:00,120 --> 01:04:02,000
Speaker 1: his life, oh my gosh, And I'm like, we saved

1238
01:04:02,040 --> 01:04:05,760
Speaker 1: each other's lives because being seeing him it forced me

1239
01:04:05,880 --> 01:04:10,240
Speaker 1: to wake up. What was that mirror? Like like to

1240
01:04:10,320 --> 01:04:13,479
Speaker 1: have a little boy? Oh my god, who's you? Look

1241
01:04:13,520 --> 01:04:15,840
Speaker 1: at you for the first time? What was that light?

1242
01:04:16,080 --> 01:04:18,440
Speaker 1: I have to tell you, Well, first when I saw him,

1243
01:04:18,600 --> 01:04:21,600
Speaker 1: there was this hole that like was in me and

1244
01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:23,000
Speaker 1: I didn't know it was in me that when I

1245
01:04:23,040 --> 01:04:25,640
Speaker 1: saw him walk around the corner, like I started to

1246
01:04:25,640 --> 01:04:28,560
Speaker 1: sew itself up as it's a vivid feeling that I

1247
01:04:28,560 --> 01:04:31,240
Speaker 1: will never forget it, Like I just felt like what

1248
01:04:31,400 --> 01:04:33,120
Speaker 1: is going on in my stomach? And like and then

1249
01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:39,520
Speaker 1: it was nerves. But now I realized I yeah, I

1250
01:04:39,640 --> 01:04:44,040
Speaker 1: just I just felt everything just because seeing him was

1251
01:04:44,080 --> 01:04:47,000
Speaker 1: like it was a piece that was missing, and then

1252
01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:50,480
Speaker 1: he started to fill it. But then I realized as

1253
01:04:50,520 --> 01:04:52,480
Speaker 1: he was looking at me and he was asking me questions,

1254
01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:54,800
Speaker 1: he was starting to say, like what do you do?

1255
01:04:55,040 --> 01:04:57,240
Speaker 1: What's your life? And I was like, I'm ashamed to

1256
01:04:57,280 --> 01:05:00,160
Speaker 1: tell him every bit that a month ago I don

1257
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:04,760
Speaker 1: a club doing lines of cocaine drunk, and that I

1258
01:05:05,000 --> 01:05:08,240
Speaker 1: just two years ago had a year and a half ago,

1259
01:05:08,320 --> 01:05:10,320
Speaker 1: was beating up some guy. I was like, I can't

1260
01:05:10,320 --> 01:05:12,640
Speaker 1: say any of this to him. I can't tell him this.

1261
01:05:13,040 --> 01:05:14,720
Speaker 1: And I think this is the difference in the beauty

1262
01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:18,840
Speaker 1: of my experience because when a child is newborn and

1263
01:05:18,920 --> 01:05:21,840
Speaker 1: you have that child from newborn, you know, we all

1264
01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:23,600
Speaker 1: that you do this in all of our relationships. We

1265
01:05:23,640 --> 01:05:27,560
Speaker 1: feel comfortable in our negative behavior. So what happens is

1266
01:05:27,600 --> 01:05:30,160
Speaker 1: that you do the negative behavior once, then you do

1267
01:05:30,160 --> 01:05:32,200
Speaker 1: it again, and then it becomes the norm. And so

1268
01:05:32,280 --> 01:05:34,400
Speaker 1: you never have to really explain to your child what's

1269
01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:36,680
Speaker 1: going on, because you're just living it's going on. But

1270
01:05:37,120 --> 01:05:39,520
Speaker 1: they know you that, and they know you as that,

1271
01:05:39,600 --> 01:05:42,480
Speaker 1: and it's like what it is with me, he didn't

1272
01:05:42,520 --> 01:05:44,560
Speaker 1: know me so now there had to be a full

1273
01:05:44,640 --> 01:05:46,960
Speaker 1: conversation of all the things he didn't know about me,

1274
01:05:47,480 --> 01:05:50,240
Speaker 1: and that mirror was like, I have to do better

1275
01:05:50,280 --> 01:05:54,400
Speaker 1: because he can't. He can't, he can't want that. He

1276
01:05:54,480 --> 01:05:56,920
Speaker 1: can't he can't think that's okay, he can't see that

1277
01:05:57,000 --> 01:06:00,960
Speaker 1: in himself. He's not gonna work. And it changed me dramatically.

1278
01:06:01,080 --> 01:06:04,120
Speaker 1: I was like, no, we're drinking and we're drugs. I

1279
01:06:04,320 --> 01:06:06,760
Speaker 1: reevaluated my tribe. I looked at the people around me,

1280
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:09,040
Speaker 1: and I tell people all the time, think about who

1281
01:06:09,040 --> 01:06:11,000
Speaker 1: needs a front row seat, and who needs an orchestra seat,

1282
01:06:11,000 --> 01:06:14,400
Speaker 1: and who needs a balcony seat. And everyone got reshuffled around,

1283
01:06:14,960 --> 01:06:17,520
Speaker 1: and I stayed in Texas. I didn't come back to California,

1284
01:06:17,560 --> 01:06:21,040
Speaker 1: and I just got my life in order. And as

1285
01:06:21,120 --> 01:06:23,840
Speaker 1: I was getting my life in order, I would slowly

1286
01:06:24,280 --> 01:06:27,680
Speaker 1: give him pieces of information that he could digest and

1287
01:06:27,800 --> 01:06:31,120
Speaker 1: understand my growth. Because if you just put it all

1288
01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:32,640
Speaker 1: on him, he's not gonna get it. So I would

1289
01:06:32,640 --> 01:06:35,040
Speaker 1: slowly feed him pieces that he could digest and give

1290
01:06:35,120 --> 01:06:37,600
Speaker 1: him the truth behind it. So I wouldn't just say yeah,

1291
01:06:37,680 --> 01:06:40,600
Speaker 1: Dad did drugs. I would say Dad was sad. I

1292
01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:44,360
Speaker 1: was in a dark place, and people around me who

1293
01:06:44,480 --> 01:06:46,960
Speaker 1: who were in a dark place as well, took advantage

1294
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:49,840
Speaker 1: of the fact that I was lonely and sad and

1295
01:06:50,120 --> 01:06:54,479
Speaker 1: encouraged me to use drugs and alcohol to feel better

1296
01:06:54,560 --> 01:06:59,120
Speaker 1: about myself to mask it. And he was like really,

1297
01:06:59,160 --> 01:07:00,760
Speaker 1: and I was like yeah, you know, like have you

1298
01:07:00,760 --> 01:07:03,520
Speaker 1: ever been sad? And then someone's like, well, drink a

1299
01:07:03,560 --> 01:07:05,040
Speaker 1: soda or do something and he's like yeah, And I

1300
01:07:05,080 --> 01:07:06,640
Speaker 1: was like, that's what they were basically doing for me

1301
01:07:06,680 --> 01:07:08,800
Speaker 1: with drugs and he was like oh, and he was

1302
01:07:08,840 --> 01:07:11,240
Speaker 1: like it didn't work, and I was like, no, it

1303
01:07:11,280 --> 01:07:13,720
Speaker 1: made me worse. And so now he doesn't have drug

1304
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:16,320
Speaker 1: issues because of the way I gave it to him

1305
01:07:16,320 --> 01:07:19,880
Speaker 1: in a digestble way, and so we just got better.

1306
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:24,320
Speaker 1: People hide things from their kids, and then their kids

1307
01:07:24,560 --> 01:07:28,360
Speaker 1: don't know to avoid those things, or how to process

1308
01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:30,960
Speaker 1: those things, or how to recognize it when it's coming.

1309
01:07:31,200 --> 01:07:33,040
Speaker 1: And that's the reason I described it to him that way,

1310
01:07:33,120 --> 01:07:35,520
Speaker 1: I said, first me, because every statement we ever make

1311
01:07:35,560 --> 01:07:37,640
Speaker 1: about our lives should always start with an ice statement.

1312
01:07:37,840 --> 01:07:40,160
Speaker 1: If you ever find yourself in relationship people out there listening,

1313
01:07:40,480 --> 01:07:43,560
Speaker 1: and you start to see yourself saying they're the issue

1314
01:07:43,840 --> 01:07:46,320
Speaker 1: where the problem telling you you're already stepping off on

1315
01:07:46,360 --> 01:07:48,600
Speaker 1: the wrong foot. It should always start with I. And

1316
01:07:48,640 --> 01:07:52,520
Speaker 1: so by telling him that I felt sad, I felt down,

1317
01:07:52,840 --> 01:07:55,560
Speaker 1: I felt unhappy, let him know that if he finds

1318
01:07:55,640 --> 01:07:59,400
Speaker 1: himself in these spaces where he feels sad, he feels unhappy,

1319
01:07:59,640 --> 01:08:01,920
Speaker 1: it's not I guess someone else, it's his own personal feeling.

1320
01:08:02,400 --> 01:08:06,200
Speaker 1: And then I said, secondly, there was somebody that recognized

1321
01:08:06,240 --> 01:08:08,800
Speaker 1: that in me and told me, if I want to

1322
01:08:08,800 --> 01:08:11,880
Speaker 1: feel better, I should use this. So it allowed him

1323
01:08:11,920 --> 01:08:15,040
Speaker 1: to realize when he's feeling sad or down or isolated.

1324
01:08:15,360 --> 01:08:17,200
Speaker 1: If someone came up to him and said, hey, how

1325
01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:19,840
Speaker 1: about drink with me, he was like, oh, this is

1326
01:08:19,880 --> 01:08:23,000
Speaker 1: what dad said. I'm feeling sad, and now they're recognizing

1327
01:08:23,080 --> 01:08:25,200
Speaker 1: it at me, and they're trying to make me do

1328
01:08:25,280 --> 01:08:27,760
Speaker 1: something that they it's going to make me feel worse.

1329
01:08:28,000 --> 01:08:31,040
Speaker 1: It's it's it's digestible steps that he still did this

1330
01:08:31,120 --> 01:08:33,519
Speaker 1: day uses so that he can recognize it. Because I

1331
01:08:33,520 --> 01:08:37,200
Speaker 1: don't think we teach kids how to recognize the negative behaviors.

1332
01:08:37,240 --> 01:08:39,240
Speaker 1: And what happens is that you can't put a kid

1333
01:08:39,320 --> 01:08:41,200
Speaker 1: in college when you never gave them these tools and

1334
01:08:41,240 --> 01:08:44,479
Speaker 1: tell them be able to recognize a pervert, be able

1335
01:08:44,520 --> 01:08:47,360
Speaker 1: to recognize drinking too much, be able to recognize when

1336
01:08:47,400 --> 01:08:49,960
Speaker 1: things are not going good because we just tell you

1337
01:08:50,040 --> 01:08:52,880
Speaker 1: watch out for the pervert, but if the pervert is

1338
01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:56,360
Speaker 1: a really handsome guy who has now made me feel

1339
01:08:56,479 --> 01:09:02,200
Speaker 1: so seen and special and who says I'll walk you

1340
01:09:02,240 --> 01:09:07,280
Speaker 1: home after the party, And I don't realize that perverts

1341
01:09:07,360 --> 01:09:10,960
Speaker 1: have come in pretty packages because you've never given me

1342
01:09:11,200 --> 01:09:14,040
Speaker 1: how to recognize it. You get what I'm saying, You know,

1343
01:09:14,200 --> 01:09:16,240
Speaker 1: I'm like over here, literally raising my hand. I'm like,

1344
01:09:16,360 --> 01:09:20,400
Speaker 1: did it? And so I try to teach my kids

1345
01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:23,640
Speaker 1: how to recognize things and then give them tools on

1346
01:09:23,760 --> 01:09:26,719
Speaker 1: how to handle it. It's amazing, and that's a really

1347
01:09:26,760 --> 01:09:29,479
Speaker 1: important distinction. And you're right, You've said it more than

1348
01:09:29,520 --> 01:09:33,360
Speaker 1: once that the tools are what we need. And I

1349
01:09:33,400 --> 01:09:37,280
Speaker 1: think that there's so much stress out there culturally right

1350
01:09:37,320 --> 01:09:40,760
Speaker 1: now because people are identifying the problems but don't know

1351
01:09:40,760 --> 01:09:45,240
Speaker 1: what to do with them. And thank you for sharing

1352
01:09:45,400 --> 01:09:47,320
Speaker 1: so many tools today, because I think this is going

1353
01:09:47,360 --> 01:09:49,920
Speaker 1: to be really helpful. For thanks sharing a part of

1354
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:51,479
Speaker 1: your story. I learned more about you too, and I

1355
01:09:51,520 --> 01:09:54,680
Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh, it's kind of cool. It's

1356
01:09:54,880 --> 01:09:56,920
Speaker 1: I just love to get into things of people. But

1357
01:09:57,200 --> 01:09:59,800
Speaker 1: so I have a question. So you met Jason when

1358
01:09:59,840 --> 01:10:03,760
Speaker 1: he is nine, but you have two boys, so they

1359
01:10:03,800 --> 01:10:06,720
Speaker 1: had the same biological mother got it. Ironically, the very

1360
01:10:06,760 --> 01:10:09,040
Speaker 1: first photo the night that I met Jason, actually the

1361
01:10:09,120 --> 01:10:11,880
Speaker 1: very first photo I have was with my other son, Chris.

1362
01:10:11,920 --> 01:10:14,920
Speaker 1: So before Jason came around the corner, his brother Chris

1363
01:10:14,920 --> 01:10:17,719
Speaker 1: came around the corner. Because my son's mother has five children,

1364
01:10:18,080 --> 01:10:20,200
Speaker 1: and so this kid ran around the corner, grabbed my

1365
01:10:20,280 --> 01:10:21,880
Speaker 1: leg and I'd never seen him, so I don't know

1366
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:23,479
Speaker 1: what my son looked like. And so I was like,

1367
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:25,920
Speaker 1: is this him pointing down and she was like, nope,

1368
01:10:26,240 --> 01:10:28,840
Speaker 1: but this kid it was held onto my leg. And

1369
01:10:28,880 --> 01:10:30,519
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, my son walks around the

1370
01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:32,040
Speaker 1: corner and he's on this side. And so the very

1371
01:10:32,040 --> 01:10:34,320
Speaker 1: first photo of us is my son here and this

1372
01:10:34,360 --> 01:10:36,800
Speaker 1: other kid, who at the time I didn't know I

1373
01:10:36,800 --> 01:10:40,280
Speaker 1: would adopt one day. And basically how it came about

1374
01:10:40,600 --> 01:10:42,920
Speaker 1: is I decided to stay in Texas so that I

1375
01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:45,040
Speaker 1: could I didn't want to rip my kid away from

1376
01:10:45,320 --> 01:10:47,640
Speaker 1: his family and all he ever knew. And also I

1377
01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:49,360
Speaker 1: had members of my family that were still in Texas.

1378
01:10:49,400 --> 01:10:50,720
Speaker 1: So I want him to get to know all of us.

1379
01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:52,519
Speaker 1: I also need the time to be there to heal,

1380
01:10:52,640 --> 01:10:55,479
Speaker 1: to get my life in order. And during that time,

1381
01:10:55,680 --> 01:10:58,800
Speaker 1: which I realized now divinely where I stayed, we found

1382
01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:02,160
Speaker 1: out that he was being abused by somebody in the

1383
01:11:02,160 --> 01:11:04,640
Speaker 1: household and they were going to remove him from the

1384
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:06,960
Speaker 1: house by no fault of his mother's. You know, there

1385
01:11:07,040 --> 01:11:11,000
Speaker 1: was just somebody who was grooming and doing things that

1386
01:11:11,040 --> 01:11:14,200
Speaker 1: were inappropriate. And you know the thing is that I've

1387
01:11:14,240 --> 01:11:16,719
Speaker 1: also working in some services try to help the States

1388
01:11:16,760 --> 01:11:19,439
Speaker 1: recognized like his mom didn't know, So why are you

1389
01:11:19,520 --> 01:11:22,160
Speaker 1: ripping a child out of his safest environment thinking that's

1390
01:11:22,160 --> 01:11:24,519
Speaker 1: going to help him. But luckily I was there, and

1391
01:11:24,560 --> 01:11:27,519
Speaker 1: so when they ripped him out, they needed safe placement,

1392
01:11:27,920 --> 01:11:29,280
Speaker 1: and if they couldn't find it, that's when you're going

1393
01:11:29,320 --> 01:11:31,759
Speaker 1: to foster care. So because I was a safe placement

1394
01:11:31,760 --> 01:11:33,120
Speaker 1: from the state, I was like, well, he can say

1395
01:11:33,120 --> 01:11:34,759
Speaker 1: with me for a week or two while we figure

1396
01:11:34,800 --> 01:11:38,040
Speaker 1: this out. A week turn to two, to turn to three,

1397
01:11:38,160 --> 01:11:40,240
Speaker 1: three turn two, two months, two months turning to four.

1398
01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:43,080
Speaker 1: And during that time he started doing extremely well because

1399
01:11:43,080 --> 01:11:45,240
Speaker 1: he had me, he had his brother, he was away

1400
01:11:45,240 --> 01:11:47,920
Speaker 1: from that environment. But also he wasn't ripped away from

1401
01:11:47,960 --> 01:11:49,760
Speaker 1: his mother and his siblings, and his mother is a

1402
01:11:49,800 --> 01:11:53,479
Speaker 1: great woman, and so I was still because I knew

1403
01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:55,439
Speaker 1: the way the state worked. He was still having the

1404
01:11:55,439 --> 01:11:59,479
Speaker 1: supervised visit with his mom, where I was there making

1405
01:11:59,479 --> 01:12:02,120
Speaker 1: sure nothing was happening, but he didn't know that. He

1406
01:12:02,200 --> 01:12:04,040
Speaker 1: was just like, I'm hanging with my mom and my sisters,

1407
01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:08,760
Speaker 1: and so everything was going by the state's accordance. But

1408
01:12:09,560 --> 01:12:12,880
Speaker 1: he didn't feel like he was the issue, because when

1409
01:12:12,880 --> 01:12:15,760
Speaker 1: you riff a child out of their home, they internalized

1410
01:12:15,760 --> 01:12:18,320
Speaker 1: that as I'm the problem, you gotta remember the person

1411
01:12:18,360 --> 01:12:21,679
Speaker 1: that caused whatever issue is still there. Why am I gone?

1412
01:12:21,720 --> 01:12:23,880
Speaker 1: Why am I removed? Why am I being punished? But

1413
01:12:23,960 --> 01:12:25,880
Speaker 1: because of the way that we were able to handle

1414
01:12:25,920 --> 01:12:29,120
Speaker 1: the situation, he didn't feel like he was the problem,

1415
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:32,280
Speaker 1: and so he started doing extremely well, and you know,

1416
01:12:32,360 --> 01:12:34,559
Speaker 1: everything got handled and he was going to go back

1417
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:37,479
Speaker 1: home with his mom, and I stopped and was like, Hey,

1418
01:12:37,520 --> 01:12:40,160
Speaker 1: our other son is doing really great. You have a

1419
01:12:40,160 --> 01:12:43,280
Speaker 1: lot on your plate. What would you think about him

1420
01:12:43,320 --> 01:12:46,160
Speaker 1: coming and staying with me? And the reason I give

1421
01:12:46,200 --> 01:12:48,320
Speaker 1: his mother so much credit is because as adult and

1422
01:12:48,360 --> 01:12:51,439
Speaker 1: also as mother's people have always been like she gave

1423
01:12:51,479 --> 01:12:53,759
Speaker 1: up her kids. She did not give up her children.

1424
01:12:54,280 --> 01:12:57,320
Speaker 1: She said to me, if you can give our child

1425
01:12:57,479 --> 01:13:00,320
Speaker 1: a better life and you can keep us a tight

1426
01:13:00,400 --> 01:13:04,800
Speaker 1: knit family, then I would love for our son to

1427
01:13:04,840 --> 01:13:08,400
Speaker 1: be raised by us. And I was thinking, how special

1428
01:13:08,520 --> 01:13:11,479
Speaker 1: is that? For no ego, no anything else, but for

1429
01:13:11,520 --> 01:13:14,479
Speaker 1: you to put your child's needs first. And I always

1430
01:13:14,479 --> 01:13:16,720
Speaker 1: say this day, respect and bow down to my children's mother,

1431
01:13:16,720 --> 01:13:20,880
Speaker 1: because I'm like that takes a very strong, comfortable woman

1432
01:13:20,920 --> 01:13:23,880
Speaker 1: to say, let me give our child the best life.

1433
01:13:24,360 --> 01:13:27,240
Speaker 1: But you have to make sure that we are always

1434
01:13:27,280 --> 01:13:31,679
Speaker 1: together family. And so he moved in. He we asked

1435
01:13:31,720 --> 01:13:34,479
Speaker 1: him and he was like yes, and then he started

1436
01:13:34,520 --> 01:13:37,880
Speaker 1: just flourishing. And to this day, when they have an issue,

1437
01:13:38,160 --> 01:13:41,720
Speaker 1: there's no dad and mom disconnected. You call both of us.

1438
01:13:41,760 --> 01:13:44,120
Speaker 1: We make all distance together. She was just in California.

1439
01:13:44,160 --> 01:13:47,400
Speaker 1: She's always here because we're a family unit. That's so beautiful.

1440
01:13:48,160 --> 01:13:52,280
Speaker 1: And I think there's something what I mean to commend

1441
01:13:52,320 --> 01:13:55,960
Speaker 1: you both, because there's this weird thing right where people

1442
01:13:56,640 --> 01:14:00,640
Speaker 1: think if something's non conventional, something must be wrong. But

1443
01:14:00,720 --> 01:14:05,360
Speaker 1: it's like any any non conventional family, any split family unit,

1444
01:14:05,920 --> 01:14:08,720
Speaker 1: and any it's non conventional. Most things in the world

1445
01:14:08,760 --> 01:14:12,840
Speaker 1: are non conventional, So why should a quote non conventional

1446
01:14:12,920 --> 01:14:16,599
Speaker 1: solution be off the table. At the end of the day,

1447
01:14:16,920 --> 01:14:21,160
Speaker 1: you cultivated and created a space that was so healthy

1448
01:14:21,200 --> 01:14:24,000
Speaker 1: for your kids and between the two of you, for

1449
01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:29,200
Speaker 1: all those kids, and that's so well, big things illuminating.

1450
01:14:29,400 --> 01:14:31,599
Speaker 1: Thank you well a big thing for me. Remember earlier

1451
01:14:31,640 --> 01:14:33,680
Speaker 1: I said every statement should start with I. There's a

1452
01:14:33,720 --> 01:14:36,320
Speaker 1: little mantra I kind of also say to myself is

1453
01:14:36,360 --> 01:14:38,360
Speaker 1: that every statement should start with I. But I should

1454
01:14:38,360 --> 01:14:42,639
Speaker 1: also think about my intention, and I do that with everything.

1455
01:14:42,760 --> 01:14:45,599
Speaker 1: So before I even walked in here to do this interview,

1456
01:14:45,640 --> 01:14:47,720
Speaker 1: I said, what is my intention? And I was like,

1457
01:14:47,760 --> 01:14:49,720
Speaker 1: my intention is to be open, honest and have fun

1458
01:14:49,760 --> 01:14:53,320
Speaker 1: with you. And when we were doing this with our kids,

1459
01:14:53,560 --> 01:14:56,439
Speaker 1: and I think about the conversation about unconventional families and

1460
01:14:56,479 --> 01:14:59,519
Speaker 1: what's going on. When I sat down with my son's mother,

1461
01:14:59,600 --> 01:15:02,120
Speaker 1: I said, our intention should be him to have the

1462
01:15:02,160 --> 01:15:05,320
Speaker 1: best life, and I asked her, is that your intention?

1463
01:15:06,000 --> 01:15:08,800
Speaker 1: And so I always try to encourage people to think

1464
01:15:08,840 --> 01:15:11,760
Speaker 1: anytime they think something is different or shouldn't be how

1465
01:15:11,760 --> 01:15:13,880
Speaker 1: it is. Even I work on the hill, like I

1466
01:15:13,920 --> 01:15:15,479
Speaker 1: go to the you know, to Washington a lot to

1467
01:15:15,520 --> 01:15:17,559
Speaker 1: try to do stuff. I always try to help people

1468
01:15:17,600 --> 01:15:20,640
Speaker 1: to say, what is your intention here with this? If

1469
01:15:20,640 --> 01:15:23,160
Speaker 1: your intention, especially when it comes to children, your intention

1470
01:15:23,200 --> 01:15:25,920
Speaker 1: should always be children to have the best life possible,

1471
01:15:26,240 --> 01:15:28,640
Speaker 1: to heal, to grow, to be happy. And if the

1472
01:15:28,720 --> 01:15:31,680
Speaker 1: actions you're taking are not in line with that intention,

1473
01:15:32,280 --> 01:15:33,760
Speaker 1: then we have to figure out how to get you

1474
01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:36,880
Speaker 1: to that place where that's your intention. And that's where

1475
01:15:37,040 --> 01:15:40,679
Speaker 1: people have to do on themselves. And so for our children,

1476
01:15:40,840 --> 01:15:43,160
Speaker 1: the reason they're happy and healthy is because we've always

1477
01:15:43,160 --> 01:15:45,840
Speaker 1: set the intention that no matter what we're going through,

1478
01:15:46,080 --> 01:15:48,800
Speaker 1: no matter what we're experiencing as adults in a relationship,

1479
01:15:48,880 --> 01:15:51,160
Speaker 1: no matter what I'm experiencing day by day, I have

1480
01:15:51,280 --> 01:15:53,280
Speaker 1: to step into the house and my intention is for

1481
01:15:53,320 --> 01:15:57,439
Speaker 1: them to be happy, healthy, and to be good. So

1482
01:15:59,439 --> 01:16:03,000
Speaker 1: what is your work in Washington? Look like? That's a lot.

1483
01:16:03,200 --> 01:16:04,559
Speaker 1: I feel like I've been watching them more than I

1484
01:16:04,560 --> 01:16:07,400
Speaker 1: am doing anything. I know, Well, you know, we have

1485
01:16:07,479 --> 01:16:10,519
Speaker 1: such amazing platforms. You're the same way and which I respect.

1486
01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:14,640
Speaker 1: I'm like, let's start, yes, but you know, like it's you.

1487
01:16:15,240 --> 01:16:16,760
Speaker 1: It's one of the reasons I respect you and love you.

1488
01:16:16,760 --> 01:16:19,000
Speaker 1: On top of your talents. You being sweet, but we're

1489
01:16:19,000 --> 01:16:22,680
Speaker 1: both like no, I'm if there's an issue, why not?

1490
01:16:23,240 --> 01:16:26,160
Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean that I feel like because we

1491
01:16:26,280 --> 01:16:28,519
Speaker 1: have these platforms that we're going to change the day.

1492
01:16:28,880 --> 01:16:30,680
Speaker 1: But what I realized that we have the power to

1493
01:16:30,840 --> 01:16:33,920
Speaker 1: inform more people and to encourage people and to invite

1494
01:16:33,960 --> 01:16:38,960
Speaker 1: more people into those conversations exactly. And so I'm I

1495
01:16:39,080 --> 01:16:43,320
Speaker 1: was just they're advocating Representer John Lewis Um called me

1496
01:16:43,360 --> 01:16:46,240
Speaker 1: up and said, we have I known me, I think

1497
01:16:46,240 --> 01:16:49,280
Speaker 1: it would drop dead. You might be talking to a

1498
01:16:49,320 --> 01:16:53,360
Speaker 1: ghost right now, Like well, okay, yeah, sure you're walking

1499
01:16:53,439 --> 01:16:55,040
Speaker 1: with Martin Luther King and now you want to welcome me.

1500
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:59,160
Speaker 1: Sure do Um, But there's he's introducing a new bill

1501
01:16:59,280 --> 01:17:02,840
Speaker 1: called the Every Child Deserves a Family Act and was like,

1502
01:17:02,880 --> 01:17:04,960
Speaker 1: I know your work background and social services, I know

1503
01:17:05,080 --> 01:17:08,360
Speaker 1: you with your children. And basically most people don't realize

1504
01:17:08,400 --> 01:17:13,439
Speaker 1: that adoption acies have the license to discriminate against LGBT people,

1505
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:17,080
Speaker 1: single people, people with different religions, and so this is

1506
01:17:17,120 --> 01:17:20,960
Speaker 1: not just a LGBT issue. This is there is a

1507
01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:24,080
Speaker 1: single mother right here who wants to raise a child

1508
01:17:24,680 --> 01:17:28,120
Speaker 1: and the state is like, no, that's unfit. Like what

1509
01:17:28,160 --> 01:17:29,920
Speaker 1: do you mean that's unfit? If I have the income,

1510
01:17:30,000 --> 01:17:32,519
Speaker 1: I have the background, I have everything that this child needs.

1511
01:17:32,680 --> 01:17:34,960
Speaker 1: Why can the child be in my household and have love?

1512
01:17:35,200 --> 01:17:37,400
Speaker 1: So you'd prefer the child to be in foster care system?

1513
01:17:37,640 --> 01:17:40,639
Speaker 1: Or they have the right to say, you're you identify

1514
01:17:40,640 --> 01:17:43,479
Speaker 1: as Jewish and I don't respect that, so you don't

1515
01:17:43,479 --> 01:17:47,080
Speaker 1: get a child. And so this this Every Child Deserves

1516
01:17:47,080 --> 01:17:50,280
Speaker 1: a Family Act is to encourage, you know, abil to

1517
01:17:50,280 --> 01:17:53,519
Speaker 1: be enacted. That says you can't discriminate against a child

1518
01:17:53,560 --> 01:17:56,120
Speaker 1: getting a home. Goes back to the intention. But our

1519
01:17:56,160 --> 01:18:00,160
Speaker 1: intention is to see children be happy and grow so

1520
01:18:00,280 --> 01:18:03,240
Speaker 1: they can be great American citizens. Why are we denying

1521
01:18:03,280 --> 01:18:06,599
Speaker 1: them families when people are qualified and willing to take

1522
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:10,240
Speaker 1: them in, yes, and who have the true desire. The

1523
01:18:10,280 --> 01:18:13,280
Speaker 1: thing that always confounds me about that, and I think

1524
01:18:13,320 --> 01:18:16,320
Speaker 1: I've been more aware of it being state to state

1525
01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:20,080
Speaker 1: depending on whatever is going on there, more aware of

1526
01:18:20,080 --> 01:18:24,200
Speaker 1: it being an lgbt Q issue. I hadn't considered the

1527
01:18:24,200 --> 01:18:27,360
Speaker 1: faith based side. All of it is unacceptable to discriminate,

1528
01:18:27,400 --> 01:18:29,599
Speaker 1: but or the single side, yeah, or the single side.

1529
01:18:29,800 --> 01:18:32,720
Speaker 1: But it's so crazy to me when you know, you

1530
01:18:32,840 --> 01:18:36,400
Speaker 1: hear these sort of religiously based adoption groups saying that

1531
01:18:36,439 --> 01:18:39,679
Speaker 1: they won't place children in homes with same sex parents.

1532
01:18:39,760 --> 01:18:43,080
Speaker 1: I'm like, those are parents who couldn't get pregnant by

1533
01:18:43,160 --> 01:18:47,519
Speaker 1: accident on a fluke if they tried, and they they

1534
01:18:47,600 --> 01:18:52,759
Speaker 1: intentionally choose want want to love and support a child.

1535
01:18:53,479 --> 01:18:56,960
Speaker 1: How could you deny love to someone. That's the problem.

1536
01:18:56,960 --> 01:18:58,599
Speaker 1: And that's what that was one of my big things.

1537
01:18:58,600 --> 01:19:01,680
Speaker 1: They're like, I can't believe that we're adults in this

1538
01:19:01,760 --> 01:19:04,560
Speaker 1: room debating a child receiving love. It was one of

1539
01:19:04,600 --> 01:19:06,599
Speaker 1: the way I started my speeches every time I think

1540
01:19:06,640 --> 01:19:09,519
Speaker 1: it's ridiculous. And then you know, during the time, because

1541
01:19:09,520 --> 01:19:10,920
Speaker 1: I was just there about two and a half weeks

1542
01:19:10,920 --> 01:19:14,320
Speaker 1: ago advocating is it was at the same time when

1543
01:19:14,360 --> 01:19:18,320
Speaker 1: we saw certain states passing these anti adoption laws, and

1544
01:19:18,520 --> 01:19:23,080
Speaker 1: you know, I was saying to representatives of those states,

1545
01:19:23,120 --> 01:19:25,920
Speaker 1: how dare you first of all, try to take away

1546
01:19:25,920 --> 01:19:29,920
Speaker 1: a woman's right, and then now you're saying you don't

1547
01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:32,320
Speaker 1: have the right to make a choice for your body,

1548
01:19:32,680 --> 01:19:34,639
Speaker 1: and I'm going to force you to have a child.

1549
01:19:36,000 --> 01:19:38,559
Speaker 1: And then I'm gonna say in that same state, that

1550
01:19:38,680 --> 01:19:40,640
Speaker 1: child that I've now forced you to have, if you

1551
01:19:40,680 --> 01:19:42,559
Speaker 1: can't take care of them. We're not also going to

1552
01:19:42,560 --> 01:19:45,439
Speaker 1: give them a family because this family over here who's

1553
01:19:45,520 --> 01:19:48,040
Speaker 1: the same sex couple, or this person who's a single

1554
01:19:48,040 --> 01:19:51,240
Speaker 1: parent but has the means, or this person who's a Muslim,

1555
01:19:51,360 --> 01:19:53,639
Speaker 1: you're not going to allow them to adopt this child

1556
01:19:53,840 --> 01:19:56,800
Speaker 1: that you just now force this woman to have. It

1557
01:19:56,920 --> 01:20:00,720
Speaker 1: just is the most backwards way of thinking. And like

1558
01:20:00,800 --> 01:20:03,000
Speaker 1: when I was there, it was just like, let's break

1559
01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:09,439
Speaker 1: this down seriously, so you and and the conversation we

1560
01:20:09,520 --> 01:20:12,040
Speaker 1: had was really in that way of just like I'm

1561
01:20:12,040 --> 01:20:14,560
Speaker 1: gonna use my platform to say you're asked backwards in

1562
01:20:14,600 --> 01:20:16,200
Speaker 1: every single way, and we're not going to stand for it,

1563
01:20:16,200 --> 01:20:17,920
Speaker 1: and we're not doing that. We're not doing this. You're

1564
01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:19,360
Speaker 1: not going to first of all, take a woman's weight

1565
01:20:19,760 --> 01:20:21,880
Speaker 1: rights away from her, and then on top of that,

1566
01:20:22,280 --> 01:20:24,600
Speaker 1: so now it's like you're affecting all of us as

1567
01:20:24,680 --> 01:20:26,559
Speaker 1: human beings. I mean, we already knew that, but then

1568
01:20:26,720 --> 01:20:28,880
Speaker 1: when you break it down, you're affecting this woman, you're

1569
01:20:28,880 --> 01:20:31,519
Speaker 1: affecting this child, you're affecting our country. It's like it's

1570
01:20:31,560 --> 01:20:35,040
Speaker 1: like a never ending cycle that you think you're doing

1571
01:20:35,120 --> 01:20:38,120
Speaker 1: some doing God's work. It's like give me a break.

1572
01:20:38,560 --> 01:20:42,000
Speaker 1: And when it all comes back so clearly to control,

1573
01:20:42,479 --> 01:20:45,360
Speaker 1: because it's about controlling the woman, it's about controlling the child,

1574
01:20:45,360 --> 01:20:50,120
Speaker 1: it's about controlling people from underserved communities. The disparity in

1575
01:20:50,320 --> 01:20:53,000
Speaker 1: drug sentencing, for example, and how it affects people of

1576
01:20:53,040 --> 01:20:55,680
Speaker 1: color versus white people. It's a joke. It's like, this

1577
01:20:55,760 --> 01:21:01,800
Speaker 1: is about controlling people so that this you know, white patriarchal,

1578
01:21:01,800 --> 01:21:07,560
Speaker 1: heteronormative ruling wealth class can maintain power. And for what

1579
01:21:08,720 --> 01:21:11,759
Speaker 1: that's exactly what it is, not helping anybody out all

1580
01:21:11,880 --> 01:21:15,240
Speaker 1: of the places, and whether we're talking about communities or

1581
01:21:15,280 --> 01:21:17,760
Speaker 1: even companies, it's like companies are an easy place to

1582
01:21:17,800 --> 01:21:20,880
Speaker 1: look at the data because there's so much information and

1583
01:21:20,880 --> 01:21:24,960
Speaker 1: and everyone understands money too, you know, as a sort

1584
01:21:25,000 --> 01:21:28,559
Speaker 1: of metric. And it's like companies with more diversity, more

1585
01:21:28,640 --> 01:21:31,240
Speaker 1: time off, paid family leave for both men and women.

1586
01:21:31,720 --> 01:21:35,800
Speaker 1: You know, when you go down the list of beautiful

1587
01:21:35,880 --> 01:21:39,000
Speaker 1: culture in a in a company, the revenue is always higher,

1588
01:21:39,320 --> 01:21:43,479
Speaker 1: the company retention is always higher, always higher. It's like,

1589
01:21:43,640 --> 01:21:47,000
Speaker 1: we do better when we embrace people and we support

1590
01:21:47,040 --> 01:21:51,160
Speaker 1: people and we give them what they need. This other

1591
01:21:51,240 --> 01:21:56,439
Speaker 1: thing it's it's a it's a lie that to your

1592
01:21:56,479 --> 01:21:59,360
Speaker 1: point when you break it down so clearly as a lie.

1593
01:22:00,200 --> 01:22:03,640
Speaker 1: And I do think not to say that because we

1594
01:22:03,720 --> 01:22:07,519
Speaker 1: have platforms we know more in any way. But what

1595
01:22:07,600 --> 01:22:10,040
Speaker 1: I will say is, when you have a platform and

1596
01:22:10,120 --> 01:22:12,880
Speaker 1: you have access, when I get to sit down with

1597
01:22:12,920 --> 01:22:16,240
Speaker 1: some of the most incredible leaders in the country, and

1598
01:22:16,320 --> 01:22:20,200
Speaker 1: you do and this person, we better do something with it,

1599
01:22:20,600 --> 01:22:24,160
Speaker 1: because if we're just like sitting around posting selfies with

1600
01:22:24,200 --> 01:22:28,080
Speaker 1: our eventual Christmas bodies all day, like, no, what do

1601
01:22:28,160 --> 01:22:31,360
Speaker 1: we do? Yeah, it's like we better do something good.

1602
01:22:31,360 --> 01:22:33,200
Speaker 1: We better try to leave this world better than when

1603
01:22:33,240 --> 01:22:36,679
Speaker 1: we found. I have to tell you something. It's another

1604
01:22:36,720 --> 01:22:38,360
Speaker 1: part of my work that I've been really trying to

1605
01:22:38,400 --> 01:22:40,640
Speaker 1: do and this is outside of the Capital, but I

1606
01:22:40,640 --> 01:22:43,800
Speaker 1: also do was kind of doing it there is you

1607
01:22:43,840 --> 01:22:48,640
Speaker 1: know when we talk about this these white male patriarchal

1608
01:22:49,000 --> 01:22:54,200
Speaker 1: that's that's really causing this sort of like control, this

1609
01:22:54,320 --> 01:22:57,559
Speaker 1: desire to control all of us, is that I've been

1610
01:22:57,600 --> 01:23:01,519
Speaker 1: trying very hard in my work recent to have these

1611
01:23:01,560 --> 01:23:05,280
Speaker 1: one on one conversations with straight white men. And I

1612
01:23:05,320 --> 01:23:08,559
Speaker 1: actually just started to ask this, You're gonna see them

1613
01:23:08,560 --> 01:23:11,439
Speaker 1: soon because I've actually asked and these are not guys.

1614
01:23:11,479 --> 01:23:13,040
Speaker 1: I know these are people that I'm just like, hey,

1615
01:23:13,080 --> 01:23:15,720
Speaker 1: you mind talking to me? And I record the last one.

1616
01:23:15,880 --> 01:23:20,599
Speaker 1: This is like the tenth one I've had where I'm

1617
01:23:20,640 --> 01:23:23,800
Speaker 1: realizing that if I don't start to reach out to

1618
01:23:23,880 --> 01:23:28,360
Speaker 1: this group of men and say, everywhere you go right now,

1619
01:23:28,400 --> 01:23:31,240
Speaker 1: you're being attacked, You're being told you're wrong, you're horrible,

1620
01:23:31,280 --> 01:23:34,639
Speaker 1: you're horrible. It's a hard thing for them to hear

1621
01:23:34,760 --> 01:23:36,720
Speaker 1: and listen to anybody here. I mean, please don't send

1622
01:23:36,720 --> 01:23:38,599
Speaker 1: me hate mail, because I'm not saying, oh, we should

1623
01:23:38,600 --> 01:23:41,160
Speaker 1: be forgiving. I mean like they're they're they're the victims.

1624
01:23:41,160 --> 01:23:43,000
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that. No, but I commend you because

1625
01:23:43,000 --> 01:23:45,200
Speaker 1: you are saying that everyone is a human and everyone

1626
01:23:45,240 --> 01:23:48,639
Speaker 1: is sensitive. Everyone's sensitive. And what's happening is that part

1627
01:23:48,680 --> 01:23:51,799
Speaker 1: of this desire to keep the control is this fear

1628
01:23:52,200 --> 01:23:55,360
Speaker 1: and fear, and anytime we make fear based decisions or

1629
01:23:55,400 --> 01:23:58,200
Speaker 1: have fear based thoughts, it causes us to do irrational things.

1630
01:23:58,880 --> 01:24:02,599
Speaker 1: And so you have to understand the behavior we're seeing

1631
01:24:02,800 --> 01:24:06,120
Speaker 1: is based out of fear, and unless you tackle that

1632
01:24:06,240 --> 01:24:09,439
Speaker 1: fear with education and love and empathy, then you're just

1633
01:24:09,479 --> 01:24:12,719
Speaker 1: gonna see more people falling deeper and deeper into that fear.

1634
01:24:12,800 --> 01:24:15,640
Speaker 1: That's why networks like Fox News work so well, is

1635
01:24:15,680 --> 01:24:19,360
Speaker 1: because they incite fear in people. And when I'm fearful,

1636
01:24:19,800 --> 01:24:22,880
Speaker 1: of course, if when it's dark outside, people listen, and

1637
01:24:23,240 --> 01:24:26,880
Speaker 1: not not to you so fear, but friends ready to listen.

1638
01:24:27,680 --> 01:24:29,880
Speaker 1: If you're in your house and it's dark outside and

1639
01:24:29,920 --> 01:24:32,920
Speaker 1: there's no lights coming on, and I say to you

1640
01:24:33,320 --> 01:24:36,559
Speaker 1: there's a killer out there, you're gonna believe me because

1641
01:24:36,560 --> 01:24:38,519
Speaker 1: you can't see what's out there. And even if you

1642
01:24:38,560 --> 01:24:40,640
Speaker 1: don't believe me, it's gonna get lodged in your subconscious

1643
01:24:40,640 --> 01:24:42,920
Speaker 1: and you're gonna get more and more nervous. And every

1644
01:24:43,160 --> 01:24:46,400
Speaker 1: night you're gonna get suspicious, and you're gonna be you're

1645
01:24:46,400 --> 01:24:50,040
Speaker 1: gonna be uncomfortable. And that's what's happening right now. There

1646
01:24:50,280 --> 01:24:53,400
Speaker 1: is a group of people in our world, white men,

1647
01:24:53,760 --> 01:24:57,479
Speaker 1: who have been told it's dark outside and you should

1648
01:24:57,520 --> 01:25:00,760
Speaker 1: be suspicious. And the suspicion that we're telling them to

1649
01:25:00,800 --> 01:25:04,200
Speaker 1: have is that everything that you have known of your power,

1650
01:25:04,320 --> 01:25:06,760
Speaker 1: of your beauty, of your thing, you're not going to

1651
01:25:06,840 --> 01:25:09,760
Speaker 1: have anymore. That's a scary place. If I told you today,

1652
01:25:09,800 --> 01:25:11,679
Speaker 1: I'm going to rip your home away from you. You'd

1653
01:25:11,680 --> 01:25:13,679
Speaker 1: be scared out of your mind. You're gonna do whatever

1654
01:25:13,720 --> 01:25:15,800
Speaker 1: you need to do it. It's not proper behavior, it's

1655
01:25:15,840 --> 01:25:18,280
Speaker 1: not right behavior, but it is fear based behavior. And

1656
01:25:18,320 --> 01:25:20,280
Speaker 1: so my hope is that as I'm trying to work

1657
01:25:20,320 --> 01:25:22,639
Speaker 1: on capital, that I can also work on the minds

1658
01:25:22,680 --> 01:25:25,720
Speaker 1: and emotions of these individuals to say, let's break it

1659
01:25:25,720 --> 01:25:29,080
Speaker 1: down and talk about this fear. It's irrational because by

1660
01:25:29,120 --> 01:25:31,760
Speaker 1: me getting something, by a woman getting something, by us

1661
01:25:31,800 --> 01:25:34,360
Speaker 1: all being equal, does not take away from you. And

1662
01:25:34,439 --> 01:25:37,240
Speaker 1: that's what's been told to you so often, is that

1663
01:25:37,280 --> 01:25:40,760
Speaker 1: by other people getting the same things you have, that

1664
01:25:40,840 --> 01:25:43,320
Speaker 1: you're somehow not going to have it anymore. And I

1665
01:25:43,360 --> 01:25:47,559
Speaker 1: do think to your point, it's about the nuance and

1666
01:25:47,600 --> 01:25:50,280
Speaker 1: it's about how we talk about it. Because what I've

1667
01:25:50,280 --> 01:25:52,760
Speaker 1: had to learn is when I, you know, say a

1668
01:25:52,800 --> 01:25:54,880
Speaker 1: phrase like I just said and talk about the system

1669
01:25:54,960 --> 01:26:00,200
Speaker 1: and power, that the individuals who look like the system

1670
01:26:00,439 --> 01:26:03,240
Speaker 1: feel like they're being told they're wrong. So when I'm

1671
01:26:03,280 --> 01:26:05,439
Speaker 1: out speaking now, I talk and I and I say

1672
01:26:05,479 --> 01:26:07,360
Speaker 1: something about like, you know, these old white guys in power.

1673
01:26:07,400 --> 01:26:09,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, just to clarify, I know a lot of

1674
01:26:09,360 --> 01:26:11,880
Speaker 1: great old white guys, my dad is an old My

1675
01:26:12,000 --> 01:26:17,480
Speaker 1: dad is the sweetest, kindest, He's this like progressive, raging feminist.

1676
01:26:17,520 --> 01:26:21,840
Speaker 1: He's awesome. So I'm not saying you are bad. I'm

1677
01:26:21,880 --> 01:26:26,439
Speaker 1: saying that an inequal system is a problem, and the

1678
01:26:26,520 --> 01:26:31,040
Speaker 1: people who benefit in a system that harms others in

1679
01:26:31,080 --> 01:26:35,040
Speaker 1: the process of some benefiting is dangerous. And I think

1680
01:26:35,080 --> 01:26:38,759
Speaker 1: it's really important. And what I have learned sitting at

1681
01:26:38,800 --> 01:26:42,080
Speaker 1: the feet of so many of the activists and friends

1682
01:26:42,120 --> 01:26:44,439
Speaker 1: in my life who are people and women of color,

1683
01:26:45,120 --> 01:26:48,760
Speaker 1: is that when I am asked to call in other

1684
01:26:48,880 --> 01:26:51,479
Speaker 1: white women, for example, around the election, to talk about

1685
01:26:51,479 --> 01:26:54,360
Speaker 1: how our voting block, not me, but the voting block

1686
01:26:54,439 --> 01:26:58,320
Speaker 1: voted against our own interests, I have to be very

1687
01:26:58,360 --> 01:27:02,679
Speaker 1: careful and say, look, it's the system that is dangerous

1688
01:27:02,720 --> 01:27:05,919
Speaker 1: to all of us. Like my my friend Brittany Packnett,

1689
01:27:05,960 --> 01:27:08,040
Speaker 1: who is the most brilliant woman who's been on tour

1690
01:27:08,080 --> 01:27:11,000
Speaker 1: with Pods of America, was like, white ladies, the patriarchy

1691
01:27:11,000 --> 01:27:13,840
Speaker 1: doesn't have anything for you. You have to stop believing

1692
01:27:13,880 --> 01:27:17,639
Speaker 1: that it does. And she's right, it's damaging to all

1693
01:27:17,680 --> 01:27:20,600
Speaker 1: of us, and it's damaging to the white men in

1694
01:27:20,600 --> 01:27:25,360
Speaker 1: the patriarchy too, and I think that what is so

1695
01:27:25,439 --> 01:27:32,200
Speaker 1: important is that we don't encourage a feeling of by

1696
01:27:32,240 --> 01:27:35,400
Speaker 1: other people gaining, you you lose. What we start having

1697
01:27:35,400 --> 01:27:38,519
Speaker 1: a conversation of is there is actually more than enough

1698
01:27:38,560 --> 01:27:42,120
Speaker 1: to go around for all of us to gain. But

1699
01:27:42,280 --> 01:27:44,479
Speaker 1: and but that community needs to hear that. And you

1700
01:27:44,479 --> 01:27:47,519
Speaker 1: just said it, like when we say these generalizations of

1701
01:27:47,600 --> 01:27:50,360
Speaker 1: all white men or whatever, then what happens that we

1702
01:27:50,400 --> 01:27:52,719
Speaker 1: turn a whole group off. When we say white women

1703
01:27:52,800 --> 01:27:54,679
Speaker 1: voted for Trump and they're the problem, then you turn

1704
01:27:55,000 --> 01:27:56,720
Speaker 1: all white women off. It's the same one when you

1705
01:27:56,720 --> 01:27:59,360
Speaker 1: say all black people are thugs, are criminals. You turn

1706
01:27:59,400 --> 01:28:02,000
Speaker 1: black people off from whatever you're saying. And so for me,

1707
01:28:02,120 --> 01:28:05,000
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, I'm not trying to change the world,

1708
01:28:05,040 --> 01:28:07,880
Speaker 1: but if I can have small conversations with white men

1709
01:28:08,080 --> 01:28:10,360
Speaker 1: and say, listen, I'm not going to call you a

1710
01:28:10,360 --> 01:28:12,439
Speaker 1: problem right now, I'm not going to tell you're a

1711
01:28:12,520 --> 01:28:15,120
Speaker 1: problem because you're being told you're a problem. And of course,

1712
01:28:15,200 --> 01:28:17,000
Speaker 1: if I'm told every day I'm the problem, i don't

1713
01:28:17,000 --> 01:28:18,599
Speaker 1: want to talk to the people who think I'm a problem.

1714
01:28:18,920 --> 01:28:21,080
Speaker 1: So I'm just gonna go around people that think I'm

1715
01:28:21,080 --> 01:28:23,599
Speaker 1: not the problem, who I'm not suspicious of that. It's

1716
01:28:23,640 --> 01:28:26,120
Speaker 1: not night outside. I'm not suspicious of them, and I'm

1717
01:28:26,120 --> 01:28:29,880
Speaker 1: gonna feel comfortable and comfortable around them. No, then we

1718
01:28:30,000 --> 01:28:32,800
Speaker 1: continue self segmenting worse and worse and worse. And so

1719
01:28:32,840 --> 01:28:34,760
Speaker 1: now I'm gonna say, let me invite you in. Let's

1720
01:28:34,800 --> 01:28:37,080
Speaker 1: have some conversations where I want to hear what you

1721
01:28:37,120 --> 01:28:39,519
Speaker 1: have to say. Empathetic listening is something key that we

1722
01:28:39,600 --> 01:28:42,320
Speaker 1: don't teach each other to teach kids anymore. We've forgot

1723
01:28:42,360 --> 01:28:45,400
Speaker 1: how to do. And what empathetic listening is, people, is

1724
01:28:45,479 --> 01:28:50,960
Speaker 1: where you talk to someone without having a response. So

1725
01:28:51,240 --> 01:28:53,200
Speaker 1: most of us, when we get into conversation, especially when

1726
01:28:53,240 --> 01:28:56,120
Speaker 1: it comes to politics or different beliefs, we already know

1727
01:28:56,120 --> 01:28:57,640
Speaker 1: what we're about to say before they even say it.

1728
01:28:58,080 --> 01:29:00,880
Speaker 1: So we already have our response and we're ready to say, ah, no,

1729
01:29:00,880 --> 01:29:02,280
Speaker 1: no, no no, let me tell you why you're wrong. And

1730
01:29:02,320 --> 01:29:08,320
Speaker 1: empathetic listening says, calm down, listen fully without any opinion

1731
01:29:08,520 --> 01:29:12,080
Speaker 1: or judgment, and then respond. And so when I'm speaking

1732
01:29:12,160 --> 01:29:14,639
Speaker 1: to these white men, I go in from an empathetics

1733
01:29:14,680 --> 01:29:17,920
Speaker 1: place and I empathetically listened because I'm like, Okay, tell

1734
01:29:17,960 --> 01:29:20,720
Speaker 1: me what's going on with you? And people have told me,

1735
01:29:20,760 --> 01:29:23,680
Speaker 1: I'm foolish, I'm stupid. They're like you, why are you

1736
01:29:23,680 --> 01:29:25,519
Speaker 1: doing this? You're giving them more power, And I'm like, no,

1737
01:29:25,560 --> 01:29:27,400
Speaker 1: I'm trying to learn from them so that they can

1738
01:29:27,479 --> 01:29:30,160
Speaker 1: learn from me. Because until we do this, we're gonna grow.

1739
01:29:30,200 --> 01:29:32,840
Speaker 1: Because my fiance is the first white guy I've ever dated,

1740
01:29:33,800 --> 01:29:36,559
Speaker 1: never dated white guy before this, and ironically we're gonna

1741
01:29:36,560 --> 01:29:40,759
Speaker 1: married now. And I've been around his very main family

1742
01:29:41,080 --> 01:29:44,440
Speaker 1: there from Maine, and some of them have Trump stickers

1743
01:29:44,479 --> 01:29:49,559
Speaker 1: and say things that is very problematic all the time.

1744
01:29:50,439 --> 01:29:53,760
Speaker 1: And of course I could being the only person in

1745
01:29:53,800 --> 01:29:56,200
Speaker 1: their family now, the only person of color in the family, now,

1746
01:29:56,960 --> 01:29:58,720
Speaker 1: I could jump up and say, what the hell is

1747
01:29:58,760 --> 01:30:00,680
Speaker 1: wrong with you? You're stupid by a blah. But I

1748
01:30:00,720 --> 01:30:02,960
Speaker 1: sit there and I'm like, I gotta have a conversation

1749
01:30:02,960 --> 01:30:06,200
Speaker 1: with you, because until you realize I see, your humanity

1750
01:30:06,479 --> 01:30:07,960
Speaker 1: is the only way that you're gonna feel comfortable and

1751
01:30:07,960 --> 01:30:09,840
Speaker 1: see in my humanity. And so I want us to

1752
01:30:09,840 --> 01:30:11,160
Speaker 1: talk about it. I want us to have a get

1753
01:30:11,160 --> 01:30:13,479
Speaker 1: to a place where you can understand how your choices

1754
01:30:13,479 --> 01:30:16,120
Speaker 1: are affecting my life. And like you said earlier, there's

1755
01:30:16,160 --> 01:30:18,160
Speaker 1: the law of abundance there's enough for all of us.

1756
01:30:18,160 --> 01:30:21,200
Speaker 1: You don't have to feel threatened that inside the dark

1757
01:30:21,240 --> 01:30:24,240
Speaker 1: we're gonna we're secretly taking everything we're not. The light

1758
01:30:24,360 --> 01:30:25,920
Speaker 1: is out and there's enough for all of us. Look,

1759
01:30:25,960 --> 01:30:28,080
Speaker 1: there's a house there for you. A house. It's a method,

1760
01:30:28,120 --> 01:30:30,120
Speaker 1: there's everything for everyone. I'm like, you don't have to

1761
01:30:30,160 --> 01:30:32,879
Speaker 1: lose your house, but everybody else deserves a house. Exactly,

1762
01:30:32,920 --> 01:30:35,000
Speaker 1: you don't have to lose your position, but everybody else

1763
01:30:35,080 --> 01:30:37,760
Speaker 1: deserves a position. You don't have to have health care

1764
01:30:37,840 --> 01:30:39,920
Speaker 1: that is less great than the health care you have,

1765
01:30:40,000 --> 01:30:43,360
Speaker 1: but everybody deserves health care. And it's such a foreign concept,

1766
01:30:43,360 --> 01:30:46,479
Speaker 1: but only ways by having these conversations. So through the

1767
01:30:46,560 --> 01:30:49,479
Speaker 1: hill and through these conversations, I'm hoping that I'm doing

1768
01:30:49,479 --> 01:30:52,519
Speaker 1: better to have people feel like, Okay, we can we

1769
01:30:52,560 --> 01:30:57,880
Speaker 1: can do this together. That's so beautiful. And again it

1770
01:30:57,880 --> 01:31:01,360
Speaker 1: it isn't your job to do that emotional labor of

1771
01:31:01,479 --> 01:31:06,400
Speaker 1: educating people. But when you have a personal interaction with someone,

1772
01:31:06,520 --> 01:31:11,200
Speaker 1: it changes your opinion of their circumstance. It enlightens something.

1773
01:31:11,400 --> 01:31:14,680
Speaker 1: It it takes away that subconscious feeling of something being

1774
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:18,320
Speaker 1: foreign or unknown and thus scary. You know, I think

1775
01:31:18,320 --> 01:31:22,920
Speaker 1: we forget that through all these you know, millennia of evolution.

1776
01:31:23,479 --> 01:31:26,160
Speaker 1: Sure we have this capacity to meditate and be spiritual

1777
01:31:26,200 --> 01:31:28,599
Speaker 1: and be a high ourselves. But also we're these little

1778
01:31:28,680 --> 01:31:30,960
Speaker 1: humans with these little lizard brands, and we are very

1779
01:31:30,960 --> 01:31:34,280
Speaker 1: tribalistic in our d n A. So we have to

1780
01:31:34,360 --> 01:31:39,519
Speaker 1: outtrain that instinct that we might think we're above, but

1781
01:31:39,760 --> 01:31:42,439
Speaker 1: we fall into when we're at our worst, or we're tired,

1782
01:31:42,520 --> 01:31:46,160
Speaker 1: or were exhausted, or we're afraid. To your point, and

1783
01:31:46,160 --> 01:31:49,320
Speaker 1: and for you to say, I have done enough work

1784
01:31:49,720 --> 01:31:53,120
Speaker 1: that I understand this, and I understand that people don't

1785
01:31:53,160 --> 01:31:55,600
Speaker 1: know what they don't know, and that by having a

1786
01:31:55,640 --> 01:32:00,160
Speaker 1: conversation we might illuminate that is That is a if

1787
01:32:00,240 --> 01:32:02,040
Speaker 1: you are not required to give, but I think it

1788
01:32:02,120 --> 01:32:09,200
Speaker 1: is amazing that you do. I appreciate that we're just

1789
01:32:09,200 --> 01:32:11,719
Speaker 1: doing a little part. I gotta tell anybody listening because

1790
01:32:11,760 --> 01:32:14,120
Speaker 1: I know you hear us. We have the capacity for it.

1791
01:32:14,439 --> 01:32:16,600
Speaker 1: We found space in our life, you and I to

1792
01:32:16,680 --> 01:32:18,800
Speaker 1: be able to do this work, to pick up this

1793
01:32:18,840 --> 01:32:21,599
Speaker 1: emotional labor someone at home. If you don't feel like

1794
01:32:21,640 --> 01:32:24,080
Speaker 1: you have the capacity to do this, there's other ways

1795
01:32:24,120 --> 01:32:25,760
Speaker 1: for you to do certain things. And I never want

1796
01:32:25,760 --> 01:32:29,400
Speaker 1: to feel, you know, especially because communities that are marginalized,

1797
01:32:29,760 --> 01:32:33,080
Speaker 1: you know, community of color, the LGBT community, women, we

1798
01:32:33,120 --> 01:32:36,360
Speaker 1: feel like we always have to be the ones to

1799
01:32:36,560 --> 01:32:39,320
Speaker 1: put on the clothes, you know, pick up our you know,

1800
01:32:39,439 --> 01:32:41,280
Speaker 1: and do the work. It's like, why don't have to

1801
01:32:41,280 --> 01:32:43,000
Speaker 1: teach you? Why don't you go do the research yourself?

1802
01:32:43,040 --> 01:32:44,760
Speaker 1: So I don't have to teach you. And So if

1803
01:32:44,800 --> 01:32:46,200
Speaker 1: you're out there and you don't feel like you have

1804
01:32:46,240 --> 01:32:49,160
Speaker 1: emotional capacity, it's okay, don't put any guilt on yourself,

1805
01:32:49,200 --> 01:32:52,120
Speaker 1: it's fine. But if you do feel like there's a

1806
01:32:52,160 --> 01:32:55,599
Speaker 1: part of your capacity that can teach one person, educate

1807
01:32:55,640 --> 01:32:57,920
Speaker 1: one person, show them empathy, show them love, and in

1808
01:32:57,960 --> 01:33:00,759
Speaker 1: return you'll get that as well. Just start there, because

1809
01:33:00,760 --> 01:33:03,400
Speaker 1: that's how we start to make the changes and see

1810
01:33:03,439 --> 01:33:05,800
Speaker 1: the changes in our world. And I will say I

1811
01:33:06,240 --> 01:33:09,559
Speaker 1: have to add to that and say how grateful I am.

1812
01:33:09,600 --> 01:33:12,880
Speaker 1: You know, I'm very lucky that I grew up in California,

1813
01:33:12,960 --> 01:33:14,880
Speaker 1: that I grew up in a place with a Korea

1814
01:33:14,920 --> 01:33:18,200
Speaker 1: town in a little Ethiopia and with parents who are

1815
01:33:18,400 --> 01:33:20,600
Speaker 1: my dad is an immigrant and my mom's mom was

1816
01:33:20,640 --> 01:33:24,720
Speaker 1: an immigrant. Like there's a curiosity there that is also privilege.

1817
01:33:25,200 --> 01:33:27,679
Speaker 1: You know, we have these big conversations about white privilege,

1818
01:33:27,680 --> 01:33:32,920
Speaker 1: but the privilege of exposure. I can't overstate how grateful

1819
01:33:32,960 --> 01:33:35,200
Speaker 1: and how lucky I am. And there's still a lot

1820
01:33:35,240 --> 01:33:38,479
Speaker 1: that I don't know. And I'm lucky that I have

1821
01:33:38,600 --> 01:33:42,559
Speaker 1: a beautifully diverse community. But I'm also very clear on

1822
01:33:43,360 --> 01:33:48,519
Speaker 1: which of my friends who come from historically marginalized groups

1823
01:33:48,680 --> 01:33:52,080
Speaker 1: want to have those conversations and which don't. And I

1824
01:33:52,160 --> 01:33:55,080
Speaker 1: know if I don't know something, first of all, I

1825
01:33:55,120 --> 01:33:57,760
Speaker 1: know where to look because I've now done enough work

1826
01:33:57,800 --> 01:34:00,439
Speaker 1: and asked enough questions, and I've still like I'm just

1827
01:34:00,520 --> 01:34:03,559
Speaker 1: at the beginning, but I know resources I can go to.

1828
01:34:03,760 --> 01:34:06,200
Speaker 1: And then when I have a question or or i

1829
01:34:06,240 --> 01:34:08,800
Speaker 1: want to make sure I understand something correctly, I know

1830
01:34:08,840 --> 01:34:11,599
Speaker 1: who I can ask that doesn't feel labored by that.

1831
01:34:12,520 --> 01:34:14,800
Speaker 1: And the only way that I've learned that is by

1832
01:34:14,840 --> 01:34:20,120
Speaker 1: trial and error. And I think to your point, it's

1833
01:34:20,160 --> 01:34:22,640
Speaker 1: it's a really beautiful thing to put yourself out there

1834
01:34:22,680 --> 01:34:25,320
Speaker 1: and ask, and it's a really beautiful thing to put

1835
01:34:25,360 --> 01:34:28,440
Speaker 1: yourself out there and offer if you have the capacity,

1836
01:34:28,840 --> 01:34:33,559
Speaker 1: and if you don't, you're you're still perfect. You know,

1837
01:34:33,680 --> 01:34:35,840
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I'm like I don't want to have conversations

1838
01:34:35,880 --> 01:34:38,680
Speaker 1: about harassment in the workplace today. I just don't want it.

1839
01:34:39,520 --> 01:34:41,360
Speaker 1: And then a couple of days later, I'm like, Okay,

1840
01:34:41,160 --> 01:34:43,920
Speaker 1: today I can do that. You know whatever it is,

1841
01:34:44,000 --> 01:34:46,880
Speaker 1: but it's it's interesting something I want to touch on.

1842
01:34:47,560 --> 01:34:49,800
Speaker 1: And and literally I'm like, we've gone through all of

1843
01:34:49,840 --> 01:34:52,120
Speaker 1: my notes. I'm very excited about this. I just like,

1844
01:34:52,200 --> 01:34:58,160
Speaker 1: I'm real, No, I love how I get so excited.

1845
01:34:58,240 --> 01:34:59,960
Speaker 1: And you have so many great things to talk about.

1846
01:35:00,360 --> 01:35:03,640
Speaker 1: You There's two things you mentioned. One you're doing a

1847
01:35:03,680 --> 01:35:08,160
Speaker 1: podcast and you wrote a children's book. Can you tell

1848
01:35:08,240 --> 01:35:10,240
Speaker 1: us about both of those things? Because I want everyone

1849
01:35:10,280 --> 01:35:12,200
Speaker 1: who's listening to go and listen to your podcasts in

1850
01:35:12,240 --> 01:35:13,679
Speaker 1: to buy your book, and to read it to kids

1851
01:35:13,680 --> 01:35:17,559
Speaker 1: and friends. So my podcast is called Karamo. I'm from

1852
01:35:17,560 --> 01:35:20,000
Speaker 1: the School of Oprah. That's why my memoirs called Karamo.

1853
01:35:20,360 --> 01:35:23,920
Speaker 1: My podcast called Karamo. I'm like, I'm not gonna you

1854
01:35:23,920 --> 01:35:25,800
Speaker 1: gave me this name. I'm gonna call everything Karamo. You

1855
01:35:25,840 --> 01:35:28,200
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So, but what I realized is

1856
01:35:28,240 --> 01:35:30,320
Speaker 1: that being on Quarra and having the training, people hit

1857
01:35:30,320 --> 01:35:32,280
Speaker 1: me up on my social media and even the guys

1858
01:35:32,280 --> 01:35:34,120
Speaker 1: will tell you this more than any of the other

1859
01:35:34,160 --> 01:35:37,040
Speaker 1: guys in the Fab five. We'll go places and people

1860
01:35:37,040 --> 01:35:40,160
Speaker 1: have an emotional reaction and connection to me. People interact

1861
01:35:40,200 --> 01:35:42,479
Speaker 1: with me and they like, can we talk about my emotions?

1862
01:35:42,520 --> 01:35:44,400
Speaker 1: Can we talk about my anxiety and my fears? That's

1863
01:35:44,439 --> 01:35:46,960
Speaker 1: all my stuff is. People don't really call me and say,

1864
01:35:47,040 --> 01:35:48,760
Speaker 1: let's have fun, let's have a dance party, you know

1865
01:35:48,800 --> 01:35:52,960
Speaker 1: what I mean? And and so I realized that people

1866
01:35:53,040 --> 01:35:55,880
Speaker 1: were looking for that support for me. But we only

1867
01:35:55,920 --> 01:35:58,639
Speaker 1: have eight episodes per season on quar Eyes, so that's

1868
01:35:58,640 --> 01:36:01,479
Speaker 1: only eight people plus the people around then they get helped.

1869
01:36:01,920 --> 01:36:04,320
Speaker 1: So I was like, how can I do something where

1870
01:36:04,360 --> 01:36:06,680
Speaker 1: I could help more people? So I decided a podcast,

1871
01:36:07,120 --> 01:36:10,080
Speaker 1: and it's a call in podcast. Apparently it's like the

1872
01:36:10,120 --> 01:36:12,400
Speaker 1: first of its kind, which I was like, what people

1873
01:36:12,400 --> 01:36:15,200
Speaker 1: are not doing call in podcasts? Or I didn't know?

1874
01:36:15,680 --> 01:36:18,040
Speaker 1: And so I have a one hundred number and people

1875
01:36:18,080 --> 01:36:20,880
Speaker 1: can call in and I take about thirty to forty calls,

1876
01:36:21,640 --> 01:36:24,679
Speaker 1: either for individuals or with them and a family member

1877
01:36:24,800 --> 01:36:27,559
Speaker 1: or a boyfriend or girlfriend, and I help them solve

1878
01:36:27,600 --> 01:36:31,599
Speaker 1: their problem. There's no time limit, so I don't say

1879
01:36:31,720 --> 01:36:33,880
Speaker 1: you get four minutes and then you gotta go that's

1880
01:36:33,920 --> 01:36:36,200
Speaker 1: the video of podcast. As you know, we can just

1881
01:36:36,280 --> 01:36:38,400
Speaker 1: talk and talk and then you know what is good

1882
01:36:38,400 --> 01:36:41,160
Speaker 1: will edit and put in. But my intention is to

1883
01:36:41,240 --> 01:36:43,920
Speaker 1: help people to get the tools to have better lives.

1884
01:36:44,479 --> 01:36:46,920
Speaker 1: And so yeah, that's the podcast. I wish that there

1885
01:36:47,000 --> 01:36:50,519
Speaker 1: was something more to it, but it's just literally call

1886
01:36:50,640 --> 01:36:53,240
Speaker 1: in and I'll help you and we have some really

1887
01:36:53,240 --> 01:36:57,080
Speaker 1: transformative conversations that you just uh. It just warms my

1888
01:36:57,160 --> 01:37:00,680
Speaker 1: heart where I'm able to see someone grow and I'm

1889
01:37:00,800 --> 01:37:03,519
Speaker 1: such a short matter of time and get it and

1890
01:37:03,520 --> 01:37:05,720
Speaker 1: then get the tools so they can continue on. It's

1891
01:37:05,720 --> 01:37:07,640
Speaker 1: what I do on Queer Eye, you know, like on

1892
01:37:07,800 --> 01:37:10,639
Speaker 1: my I have four days on the show to help

1893
01:37:10,680 --> 01:37:14,840
Speaker 1: people to have an emotional arc and growth. And now

1894
01:37:14,880 --> 01:37:17,120
Speaker 1: I've even perfected it more where like in forty five

1895
01:37:17,160 --> 01:37:19,040
Speaker 1: minutes people are crying and then they're like I get it,

1896
01:37:19,080 --> 01:37:21,160
Speaker 1: and I'm like, what in the hell of Karama did

1897
01:37:21,160 --> 01:37:23,160
Speaker 1: you just do? Did you were you able to really

1898
01:37:23,280 --> 01:37:28,240
Speaker 1: help this stranger in Kansas or New New Nashville or

1899
01:37:28,439 --> 01:37:30,880
Speaker 1: I had I'm having people now call more internationally, which

1900
01:37:30,920 --> 01:37:32,479
Speaker 1: is kind of amazing to me. When I'm I'm like

1901
01:37:32,520 --> 01:37:34,120
Speaker 1: what time is it there? And they're like three thirty

1902
01:37:34,120 --> 01:37:35,680
Speaker 1: in the morning, and I was like, you waited up

1903
01:37:35,720 --> 01:37:37,960
Speaker 1: till three thirty morning. Talk to me first of all,

1904
01:37:38,000 --> 01:37:41,160
Speaker 1: thank you, but like and they're like having the breakthrough

1905
01:37:41,200 --> 01:37:44,719
Speaker 1: and I'm like wow, and so um, yeah, that's the podcast.

1906
01:37:44,760 --> 01:37:48,519
Speaker 1: You literally look sparkly when you talk about this really Yeah.

1907
01:37:48,800 --> 01:37:51,759
Speaker 1: It's like I'm I'm watching you and it and it

1908
01:37:51,840 --> 01:37:55,160
Speaker 1: feels like you're saying that this is happening, and it's

1909
01:37:55,160 --> 01:37:57,920
Speaker 1: happening in forty five minutes. I'm like, because you're so

1910
01:37:58,600 --> 01:38:01,280
Speaker 1: you're so in it. It's like you you must be

1911
01:38:01,320 --> 01:38:05,599
Speaker 1: in the sharpest zone of your life right now. It's

1912
01:38:05,640 --> 01:38:07,679
Speaker 1: like I feel like that's what I was saying before

1913
01:38:07,680 --> 01:38:10,439
Speaker 1: I get off the calls, and like I shocked myself

1914
01:38:10,479 --> 01:38:13,080
Speaker 1: because I'm like, how did how did you just get

1915
01:38:13,080 --> 01:38:16,240
Speaker 1: them to have that emotional breakthrough? Like and then we

1916
01:38:16,400 --> 01:38:18,160
Speaker 1: my producers are really great. We can make sure that

1917
01:38:18,200 --> 01:38:20,559
Speaker 1: people get, you know, resources, because I don't want to leave.

1918
01:38:20,600 --> 01:38:22,880
Speaker 1: I think it's very responsible when we leave people without Again,

1919
01:38:22,960 --> 01:38:25,120
Speaker 1: you hear me say all the time, tools and resources

1920
01:38:25,120 --> 01:38:27,120
Speaker 1: because you gotta be able to continue it on. And

1921
01:38:27,160 --> 01:38:30,840
Speaker 1: I'm just so excited. So the podcast is going really good. Yeah,

1922
01:38:30,960 --> 01:38:35,559
Speaker 1: So the podcast the number is one eight three three, Karamo.

1923
01:38:36,640 --> 01:38:39,840
Speaker 1: I know right again, I'm not trying to confuse. I

1924
01:38:40,040 --> 01:38:42,479
Speaker 1: love it. I can never can I tell you something

1925
01:38:42,520 --> 01:38:45,280
Speaker 1: really quick. It's a total tangent. But when I was little,

1926
01:38:45,320 --> 01:38:48,240
Speaker 1: I was a weird little kid, and similarly to you, like, look,

1927
01:38:48,680 --> 01:38:50,720
Speaker 1: I'll be up at the Pride parade all night, like

1928
01:38:51,200 --> 01:38:55,240
Speaker 1: I love fun, but people want to have deep talks

1929
01:38:55,280 --> 01:38:57,680
Speaker 1: with me, like I love to be silly, and it

1930
01:38:57,840 --> 01:39:00,479
Speaker 1: just doesn't always happen. And I'm kind of like, all right,

1931
01:39:00,520 --> 01:39:03,519
Speaker 1: I'm gonna embrace what comes my way. And I'm the

1932
01:39:03,560 --> 01:39:05,559
Speaker 1: same way about you know. It's like it seeks me

1933
01:39:05,600 --> 01:39:07,880
Speaker 1: out for a reason. Okay, okay, let's do it. Let's

1934
01:39:07,920 --> 01:39:11,799
Speaker 1: unpack stuff, let's talk about it. And my mom recently

1935
01:39:12,040 --> 01:39:13,920
Speaker 1: I sent her photos because two weeks ago I got

1936
01:39:13,920 --> 01:39:16,439
Speaker 1: to see Oprah speak and Cheryl Strade interviewed her and

1937
01:39:16,479 --> 01:39:19,519
Speaker 1: like they are too. This was This was at a

1938
01:39:19,520 --> 01:39:21,800
Speaker 1: documentary film festival that I go to every year. I

1939
01:39:21,800 --> 01:39:27,800
Speaker 1: will come like life changer. It's it is my ultimate recharge.

1940
01:39:27,800 --> 01:39:30,479
Speaker 1: It's the place where I plug in, where I learned things,

1941
01:39:30,520 --> 01:39:32,760
Speaker 1: where I'm reminded about how to fight and what to

1942
01:39:32,800 --> 01:39:35,679
Speaker 1: fight for. Its magic. I'll give you the full rundown

1943
01:39:35,680 --> 01:39:37,160
Speaker 1: after this, because I could talk about it for hours.

1944
01:39:37,320 --> 01:39:39,840
Speaker 1: But Cheryl interviewed Oprah and they are like two of

1945
01:39:39,880 --> 01:39:43,880
Speaker 1: the greatest teachers of my whole life. And I was

1946
01:39:43,960 --> 01:39:46,320
Speaker 1: just like sitting there balling and sending my mom videos

1947
01:39:46,760 --> 01:39:50,640
Speaker 1: and she goes, do you remember what? Like, what is

1948
01:39:50,840 --> 01:39:53,600
Speaker 1: just wonderfully strange child you were? And I was like,

1949
01:39:53,600 --> 01:39:57,200
Speaker 1: where is this going? And my mom was like, you

1950
01:39:57,200 --> 01:40:00,360
Speaker 1: you when you were little, your two favorite show Those

1951
01:40:00,560 --> 01:40:05,320
Speaker 1: were Murphy Brown and Oprah. And you used to ask

1952
01:40:05,439 --> 01:40:07,120
Speaker 1: me because my mom would pick me up from school

1953
01:40:07,120 --> 01:40:09,800
Speaker 1: and I'd get home at three ten and Oprah came

1954
01:40:09,800 --> 01:40:12,439
Speaker 1: on at three. So I was like this little seven

1955
01:40:12,520 --> 01:40:14,439
Speaker 1: year old being like, but mom just picked me up.

1956
01:40:14,439 --> 01:40:17,280
Speaker 1: I'm not learning anything at school. I learned everything from Oprah.

1957
01:40:17,439 --> 01:40:19,559
Speaker 1: And I would beg her to pick me up early

1958
01:40:19,600 --> 01:40:21,360
Speaker 1: so I could be seated in front of the TV

1959
01:40:21,439 --> 01:40:24,040
Speaker 1: when Oprah started. Hold on, I'm having a little moment

1960
01:40:24,120 --> 01:40:26,800
Speaker 1: right now. I just had a swear to God on

1961
01:40:27,040 --> 01:40:29,720
Speaker 1: my life, my children. My mother and I just had

1962
01:40:29,720 --> 01:40:32,519
Speaker 1: a similar conversation. She was like, do you remember your

1963
01:40:32,520 --> 01:40:34,559
Speaker 1: two favorite shows as a child? And I was like,

1964
01:40:35,080 --> 01:40:39,920
Speaker 1: kinda where Donna You, Phill Donna You who trained Oprah?

1965
01:40:40,000 --> 01:40:42,240
Speaker 1: And I love Oprah obviously, but I you would run

1966
01:40:42,320 --> 01:40:45,599
Speaker 1: home and watch Phill Donna You all the time and

1967
01:40:45,760 --> 01:40:49,240
Speaker 1: Mash and both of those two shows were always about

1968
01:40:49,920 --> 01:40:51,880
Speaker 1: how to give back, how to help, how to have

1969
01:40:51,920 --> 01:40:54,280
Speaker 1: these conversations. So I was just having a moment right

1970
01:40:54,280 --> 01:40:57,880
Speaker 1: now hearing you say your two children child shows were

1971
01:40:57,920 --> 01:41:02,080
Speaker 1: like Oprah and you know Murphy Brown Brown. I'm like, well,

1972
01:41:02,360 --> 01:41:03,920
Speaker 1: first of all, it just shows where we are to

1973
01:41:04,000 --> 01:41:08,600
Speaker 1: it anyway, I love it, but it's a mirror moment

1974
01:41:08,680 --> 01:41:11,439
Speaker 1: I and I realized recently because a couple of years

1975
01:41:11,439 --> 01:41:13,000
Speaker 1: ago they put Murphy Brown back on the air, and

1976
01:41:13,040 --> 01:41:15,120
Speaker 1: I had a really irrational response. I was driving down

1977
01:41:15,160 --> 01:41:17,680
Speaker 1: Sunset and I started screaming in my car, screaming. I

1978
01:41:17,720 --> 01:41:20,200
Speaker 1: saw the billboard. I didn't know what to do, and

1979
01:41:20,600 --> 01:41:22,760
Speaker 1: I was like, wait a minute. Because I went to

1980
01:41:22,840 --> 01:41:25,439
Speaker 1: college for the b f A theater program and I

1981
01:41:25,439 --> 01:41:27,840
Speaker 1: got there and I was like, I don't understand this.

1982
01:41:28,360 --> 01:41:30,240
Speaker 1: I don't know how to stand around and talk about

1983
01:41:30,240 --> 01:41:32,160
Speaker 1: my craft all day. I want to tell stories, and

1984
01:41:32,240 --> 01:41:36,400
Speaker 1: like you go to theater school. Amazing, Like amazing. I

1985
01:41:36,439 --> 01:41:39,800
Speaker 1: transferred into the journalism school and started studying journalism and

1986
01:41:39,840 --> 01:41:42,240
Speaker 1: political science. And that's when I really started working like

1987
01:41:42,280 --> 01:41:45,120
Speaker 1: crazy because I had so much to say. And I

1988
01:41:45,160 --> 01:41:46,760
Speaker 1: think about it and I'm like, wait, did I just

1989
01:41:46,840 --> 01:41:49,960
Speaker 1: grow up and try to be m Brown? Like I

1990
01:41:50,040 --> 01:41:52,840
Speaker 1: just wanted to be in this like badass journalist woman.

1991
01:41:53,080 --> 01:41:54,640
Speaker 1: And I can't tell you how often I wear a

1992
01:41:54,680 --> 01:41:57,200
Speaker 1: turtlenike and a blazer. And I'm like, I just want

1993
01:41:57,439 --> 01:42:01,000
Speaker 1: I think I just want to be Candice Bergen. It's

1994
01:42:01,000 --> 01:42:06,920
Speaker 1: a real thing, Okay, So I can't wait to see

1995
01:42:06,920 --> 01:42:10,280
Speaker 1: all the things that you're doing. One of which, wait,

1996
01:42:10,400 --> 01:42:12,840
Speaker 1: I forgot your children's books. Oh yeah, the children book.

1997
01:42:12,840 --> 01:42:15,040
Speaker 1: I wrote their children's book after the success of my

1998
01:42:15,080 --> 01:42:18,080
Speaker 1: memoir with my son, because as a child, I there

1999
01:42:18,120 --> 01:42:19,439
Speaker 1: was a mantra I used to tell my children I

2000
01:42:19,439 --> 01:42:22,559
Speaker 1: still tell them, which is you're perfectly designed. And part

2001
01:42:22,560 --> 01:42:24,640
Speaker 1: of me saying that to them as children is to

2002
01:42:24,680 --> 01:42:27,080
Speaker 1: remind them that there's no part of who you are

2003
01:42:27,120 --> 01:42:30,439
Speaker 1: authentically that is wrong. Because we get messages and narratives

2004
01:42:30,479 --> 01:42:33,080
Speaker 1: constantly that tell us that we are not okay, that

2005
01:42:33,160 --> 01:42:35,360
Speaker 1: there's some part of us that's wrong. And so when

2006
01:42:35,360 --> 01:42:37,200
Speaker 1: you can remind your child that every part of you

2007
01:42:37,280 --> 01:42:39,479
Speaker 1: is perfectly designed. It gives them the courage and self

2008
01:42:39,600 --> 01:42:42,920
Speaker 1: esteem to be able to fight against the negativity that's

2009
01:42:42,960 --> 01:42:46,720
Speaker 1: going to be inadvertently coming towards them daily. And one

2010
01:42:46,720 --> 01:42:48,240
Speaker 1: of the other things of this is that part of

2011
01:42:48,240 --> 01:42:50,439
Speaker 1: their perfect design, all of our perfect design, is the

2012
01:42:50,439 --> 01:42:53,040
Speaker 1: ability to ask for help if we need it. And

2013
01:42:53,160 --> 01:42:57,439
Speaker 1: so I the book is a picture book that was

2014
01:42:57,479 --> 01:43:00,639
Speaker 1: written for children, but ironically we've already started pre sales

2015
01:43:00,760 --> 01:43:03,839
Speaker 1: and like we have so many adults, and even adults

2016
01:43:03,840 --> 01:43:05,920
Speaker 1: at the publishing company they're like, I'm reading this to

2017
01:43:05,920 --> 01:43:08,720
Speaker 1: myself because the themes in it are for children, but

2018
01:43:08,720 --> 01:43:11,320
Speaker 1: it's really for all of us to remember when you're

2019
01:43:11,320 --> 01:43:15,080
Speaker 1: in these moments at school, work, family, you are perfectly designed.

2020
01:43:15,320 --> 01:43:18,559
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with you. You gotta be able to

2021
01:43:18,600 --> 01:43:21,840
Speaker 1: practice daily fighting against those negative messages and believing in

2022
01:43:22,000 --> 01:43:26,040
Speaker 1: who you are because authentically there's nothing wrong with you. Um.

2023
01:43:26,320 --> 01:43:28,800
Speaker 1: And so the book comes out in the fall, I know.

2024
01:43:28,920 --> 01:43:30,920
Speaker 1: So the book comes out in the fall. It's called

2025
01:43:31,000 --> 01:43:34,760
Speaker 1: I Am Perfectly Designed, And so I'm excited for people

2026
01:43:34,760 --> 01:43:37,160
Speaker 1: to read it. And my son co wrote it with

2027
01:43:37,200 --> 01:43:40,160
Speaker 1: me because when we decided to do it, they were like,

2028
01:43:40,320 --> 01:43:42,360
Speaker 1: you write a children's book, and I was like, well,

2029
01:43:42,360 --> 01:43:45,440
Speaker 1: first of all, I want my child to be involved

2030
01:43:45,479 --> 01:43:47,639
Speaker 1: in the children's book. You know, like some people write

2031
01:43:47,680 --> 01:43:49,559
Speaker 1: children book they're not parents. But I am so why

2032
01:43:49,560 --> 01:43:51,760
Speaker 1: would I just be selfish enough again going back to

2033
01:43:51,760 --> 01:43:54,400
Speaker 1: what we said earlier, to think that my child's experience

2034
01:43:54,760 --> 01:43:56,720
Speaker 1: shouldn't play into the book. It's like one of those

2035
01:43:56,720 --> 01:43:58,920
Speaker 1: things of like, I'm the adult, so I write the book. No,

2036
01:43:59,840 --> 01:44:01,960
Speaker 1: you are the kid. What would you like to hear?

2037
01:44:02,120 --> 01:44:03,720
Speaker 1: What would you have liked to been told? What would

2038
01:44:03,760 --> 01:44:05,800
Speaker 1: you like to say? Your opinion is valid? And so

2039
01:44:05,840 --> 01:44:07,719
Speaker 1: he helped co write the book and then he also

2040
01:44:07,760 --> 01:44:10,680
Speaker 1: helped pick the illustrations with me um and I am

2041
01:44:10,720 --> 01:44:13,720
Speaker 1: proud to say it was a very collaboration which I'm

2042
01:44:13,760 --> 01:44:16,400
Speaker 1: so proud of him to see him flourish and yeah,

2043
01:44:16,479 --> 01:44:19,840
Speaker 1: I am perfectly designed comes out this fall. Thanks. I

2044
01:44:22,960 --> 01:44:25,599
Speaker 1: in in wrapping, I mean, I don't want to wrap,

2045
01:44:25,600 --> 01:44:27,960
Speaker 1: but I don't want to keep you here forever, even

2046
01:44:28,000 --> 01:44:29,280
Speaker 1: though I wish I could put you in my pocket

2047
01:44:29,280 --> 01:44:33,160
Speaker 1: and take you home. The podcast, I mean, I get

2048
01:44:33,920 --> 01:44:37,639
Speaker 1: the podcast is called work in progress because to me,

2049
01:44:38,320 --> 01:44:41,000
Speaker 1: I think that I think social media is the most

2050
01:44:41,040 --> 01:44:44,000
Speaker 1: beautiful place to connect to be seen, find your tribe,

2051
01:44:44,040 --> 01:44:46,760
Speaker 1: to your point. But I also think it's tricky because

2052
01:44:46,800 --> 01:44:49,679
Speaker 1: it makes it look like everybody else has everything figured out,

2053
01:44:50,160 --> 01:44:52,280
Speaker 1: and like we're the one person who doesn't know what's

2054
01:44:52,280 --> 01:44:57,240
Speaker 1: going on. And what I've learned and what I try

2055
01:44:57,280 --> 01:44:59,400
Speaker 1: to remind people of. And I tell people all the

2056
01:44:59,439 --> 01:45:03,200
Speaker 1: times that you're allowed to be both a masterpiece and

2057
01:45:03,320 --> 01:45:06,160
Speaker 1: work in progress at the same time. Be happy with

2058
01:45:06,200 --> 01:45:09,160
Speaker 1: everything you've done and set goals for more. And I

2059
01:45:09,240 --> 01:45:10,760
Speaker 1: know that I'm a work in progress. I'm trying to

2060
01:45:10,800 --> 01:45:12,800
Speaker 1: figure it out all the time. People ask me, like,

2061
01:45:12,840 --> 01:45:14,200
Speaker 1: how did you do it? I'm like, I don't know

2062
01:45:14,200 --> 01:45:18,400
Speaker 1: how to do anything like Magnorma's nake. So I'm I'm

2063
01:45:18,439 --> 01:45:22,080
Speaker 1: always curious for the people who come in here, because

2064
01:45:22,960 --> 01:45:25,920
Speaker 1: everyone who listens looks at you and goes, God, he's

2065
01:45:26,120 --> 01:45:29,640
Speaker 1: nailing it, and you are, And I want to celebrate

2066
01:45:29,680 --> 01:45:32,920
Speaker 1: the masterpiece that is you. And I'm also curious what

2067
01:45:33,080 --> 01:45:36,160
Speaker 1: in your life feels like you're a work in progress

2068
01:45:36,240 --> 01:45:38,280
Speaker 1: right now? And do you want a long list? Because

2069
01:45:38,280 --> 01:45:40,120
Speaker 1: I got a long list. Anything you want. It could

2070
01:45:40,120 --> 01:45:42,840
Speaker 1: be a list, it could be one highlight. I'm gonna

2071
01:45:42,920 --> 01:45:47,640
Speaker 1: just choose probably the biggest highlight that I've been having recently,

2072
01:45:48,479 --> 01:45:52,400
Speaker 1: which I would say the work in progress is being

2073
01:45:52,439 --> 01:45:57,920
Speaker 1: more true to what my how my dreams are being

2074
01:45:57,960 --> 01:46:02,120
Speaker 1: redefined daily because I get nervous sometimes, especially like the

2075
01:46:02,360 --> 01:46:07,200
Speaker 1: success of Queer, I that if I, if I shift

2076
01:46:07,640 --> 01:46:12,559
Speaker 1: right now, I'm going to somehow damage what is being created.

2077
01:46:12,920 --> 01:46:15,599
Speaker 1: And it's a very it's a scary moment because I'm like,

2078
01:46:15,880 --> 01:46:17,679
Speaker 1: there's other things that I think I want to switch

2079
01:46:17,720 --> 01:46:20,920
Speaker 1: into and shift into, but you know, you have people

2080
01:46:20,920 --> 01:46:22,840
Speaker 1: around you that are saying, you can't shift right now.

2081
01:46:22,840 --> 01:46:24,240
Speaker 1: This is the highlight. You have to now do this

2082
01:46:24,280 --> 01:46:25,800
Speaker 1: and this and this, because this is where your career

2083
01:46:25,880 --> 01:46:27,840
Speaker 1: is going. And I'm like, but part of me is

2084
01:46:27,880 --> 01:46:31,560
Speaker 1: like saying, there's another dream that's coming up and flourishing,

2085
01:46:31,560 --> 01:46:34,160
Speaker 1: and I'm like, maybe I might want to go that way,

2086
01:46:34,360 --> 01:46:37,120
Speaker 1: but everyone is saying no. And so for me, it's

2087
01:46:37,160 --> 01:46:40,920
Speaker 1: acknowledging this sort of fear based decision and thought pattern

2088
01:46:40,960 --> 01:46:44,439
Speaker 1: that everyone else is having, and I'm internalizing and coming

2089
01:46:44,479 --> 01:46:47,080
Speaker 1: back to this place of like love based thinking and

2090
01:46:47,200 --> 01:46:50,559
Speaker 1: love based thoughts of like, no, if I decide to

2091
01:46:50,600 --> 01:46:53,960
Speaker 1: shift my dreams right now, it's not going to affect

2092
01:46:53,960 --> 01:46:56,960
Speaker 1: me because what is for me is for me, things

2093
01:46:56,960 --> 01:46:59,040
Speaker 1: will be great. I don't have to live in this

2094
01:46:59,080 --> 01:47:01,920
Speaker 1: sort of constant year, which many people do. You know,

2095
01:47:01,960 --> 01:47:03,800
Speaker 1: they have their jobs and they're like, I want to

2096
01:47:03,800 --> 01:47:05,559
Speaker 1: do something else, but I had to survive and I

2097
01:47:05,560 --> 01:47:06,720
Speaker 1: have to be here for the kids, and I have

2098
01:47:06,800 --> 01:47:09,400
Speaker 1: to have this money, and I can't change because it

2099
01:47:09,400 --> 01:47:11,720
Speaker 1: will mess everything up. And I'm telling myself, it's not

2100
01:47:11,720 --> 01:47:13,840
Speaker 1: gonna miss anything up. It's just gonna help me to

2101
01:47:14,000 --> 01:47:17,320
Speaker 1: be better and to do more greatness and to feel

2102
01:47:17,680 --> 01:47:21,080
Speaker 1: more comfortable in who I am. And so that's probably

2103
01:47:21,080 --> 01:47:24,560
Speaker 1: the part of myself work in progress of like reminding

2104
01:47:24,560 --> 01:47:28,200
Speaker 1: myself daily and practicing daily that if I shift and

2105
01:47:28,320 --> 01:47:32,120
Speaker 1: change because I want to for myself, it's not going

2106
01:47:32,160 --> 01:47:35,160
Speaker 1: to hurt my life. And that's where I'm at. I

2107
01:47:35,360 --> 01:47:40,280
Speaker 1: love that it reminds me that nobody ever told us.

2108
01:47:41,640 --> 01:47:44,200
Speaker 1: But the reality is when we're grown up, so we

2109
01:47:44,240 --> 01:47:47,120
Speaker 1: have to sign our own permission slips. You better preach.

2110
01:47:47,200 --> 01:47:51,560
Speaker 1: Is that your original? Because that is beautiful, That is gorgeous.

2111
01:47:51,840 --> 01:47:56,599
Speaker 1: That was a little It's a little takeaway is as

2112
01:47:56,600 --> 01:47:58,680
Speaker 1: an adult, you have to sign your own permission. To

2113
01:47:58,720 --> 01:48:01,519
Speaker 1: sign your own permission slip. But preach and listen. You

2114
01:48:01,600 --> 01:48:04,599
Speaker 1: and me, we love the opera. It's like the woman

2115
01:48:04,640 --> 01:48:09,200
Speaker 1: taught me everything I know, but it's true. It's like, yeah,

2116
01:48:09,280 --> 01:48:11,639
Speaker 1: because if we don't give it to ourselves, nobody else

2117
01:48:11,720 --> 01:48:15,000
Speaker 1: is going to. And I spent a really long time

2118
01:48:15,040 --> 01:48:17,080
Speaker 1: waiting for somebody else to tell me I was allowed,

2119
01:48:18,479 --> 01:48:22,040
Speaker 1: and like, let's not do that anymore more. Well, thank

2120
01:48:22,080 --> 01:48:25,280
Speaker 1: you for all of this. What a beautiful hang and

2121
01:48:25,920 --> 01:48:28,719
Speaker 1: the tools that you offered to people, and the gems

2122
01:48:28,760 --> 01:48:32,160
Speaker 1: that you are dropping everywhere, and my god, you just

2123
01:48:33,160 --> 01:48:35,600
Speaker 1: I just can't thank you enough for sharing yourself in

2124
01:48:35,640 --> 01:48:38,000
Speaker 1: the way that you do and for just being in

2125
01:48:38,040 --> 01:48:39,920
Speaker 1: here with that smile. It's like, in this moment, I'm

2126
01:48:39,960 --> 01:48:42,320
Speaker 1: like bummer for everyone listening that we didn't film this

2127
01:48:42,360 --> 01:48:44,599
Speaker 1: podcast because I don't get to stare at your face.

2128
01:48:47,400 --> 01:48:54,479
Speaker 1: This was awesome. This show is executive produced by Me,

2129
01:48:54,760 --> 01:48:59,639
Speaker 1: Sophia Bush, and sim Sarna. Our supervising producer is Alison Bresnick.

2130
01:49:00,000 --> 01:49:03,320
Speaker 1: Our associate producer is Cate Lin Lee, Our editor is

2131
01:49:03,400 --> 01:49:06,559
Speaker 1: Josh Wendish, and our music was written by Jack Garrett

2132
01:49:06,600 --> 01:49:09,479
Speaker 1: and produced by Mark Foster. This show is brought to

2133
01:49:09,479 --> 01:49:11,519
Speaker 1: you by Krillion Anatomy h