WEBVTT - What About Your Friends Part II: Attachment Styles – Lab 078 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:00.960 T. T. 0:00:01.520 --> 0:00:04.440 Did you see that Psychology Today article where the guy 0:00:04.519 --> 0:00:07.480 is talking about the rise of single men being lonely. 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:09.840 He was talking about the day to day we're coming 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:11.920 up on cuff and season. Yea, it is a lot 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:13.560 to consider. 0:00:13.280 --> 0:00:16.680 And a lot of men were not happy about it. 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:19.160 They took it personally, and you know, a hit dog 0:00:19.200 --> 0:00:20.000 will holler. 0:00:22.480 --> 0:00:25.639 Oh, that's taking me back to our Dialects and Accents episode. 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:30.280 Yes, yeah, apparently that article is talking about very specific 0:00:30.280 --> 0:00:31.680 people because they were very mad. 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:35.400 I think when we consider relationships, we're not just talking 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:39.840 about romantic relationships, right. How you show up in all 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:43.760 types of platonic familial relationships. All of those things are 0:00:43.880 --> 0:00:47.120 important to consider, and so we had to bring it 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:47.880 straight to the lab. 0:00:48.560 --> 0:00:51.280 I'm T T and I'm Zakiah and from Spotify. 0:00:51.479 --> 0:01:02.679 This is Dope Labs. 0:01:18.200 --> 0:01:20.840 Welcome to Dope Labs, a weekly podcast that makes it 0:01:20.959 --> 0:01:24.080 hardcore science, pop culture and a healthy dose of friendship. 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:26.760 And this week we're talking all about that healthy dose. 0:01:27.080 --> 0:01:30.280 Make sure you get the right prescription. Specifically, we're looking 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:34.479 at attachment styles, attachment theory, how you make friends, how 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:36.120 to handle conflict, all of it. 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:37.959 Let's get into the recitation. 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:49.920 What do we know? 0:01:50.040 --> 0:01:50.240 TT? 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:54.160 Well, I think one thing that we know personally is 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.800 that friendship is very special and also very important. 0:01:58.160 --> 0:02:02.360 Yes, friendships can be these really deep intimate connections, and 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:05.960 we talked about this many moons ago in LAP twenty six. 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:09.880 I feel like another thing that we know, especially at 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:15.040 this big age, is that it's hard to make new friends, 0:02:15.240 --> 0:02:17.640 Like I don't know the last time I made a 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:20.840 new friend. It's not as easy as it was when 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:22.920 we were kids on the playground, you know what I mean. 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:25.919 Yes, or even in college. And I think because of that, 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:29.240 we also know that losing a friendship can be really rough. 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:32.560 M hm Okay, So what do we want to know? 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:36.120 You know, I think we've seen a lot about relationships 0:02:36.160 --> 0:02:38.920 and how they've changed, especially over the pandemic. But we 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:42.200 want to know why friendship is so important? Why is 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:43.760 it important to us? Why do we have these big 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:45.079 feelings around friendship? 0:02:45.400 --> 0:02:47.720 I think I want to know more about the difference 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:53.160 between friendship and romance, So a platonic friendship and non 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:56.280 platonic and what are the differences, what are the strengths 0:02:56.320 --> 0:02:58.560 and weaknesses of either of them? 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:02.200 And I think the other thing I want to understand 0:03:02.560 --> 0:03:07.760 is how people are approaching friendships in different ways. And 0:03:08.320 --> 0:03:10.480 you know, I think we call those attachment styles. But 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:13.080 I've seen it in relationships. But what does it mean 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:13.880 in friendships? 0:03:14.200 --> 0:03:17.880 That's a really good question, and so piggybacking off of that. 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:21.799 When we know what our attachment styles are, Conflict is 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:26.440 inevitable in any relationship. But how should we be handling 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:28.440 conflict with our friends? 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:32.760 Yes, and if the conflict means the friendship passed to end, 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:35.680 how do we make new friends? We know it's hard, 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:37.840 but how do we jump over that hurdle and make 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:39.000 some new No new friends? 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:41.640 No new friends? No new friends? No no, Now. 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:45.360 Let's jump into the dissection. 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:01.440 Our guest for today's lab is doctor m Rissa G. Franco. 0:04:01.760 --> 0:04:03.680 My name is doctor Borissa G. Franco. 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:08.160 I am a professor, a speaker, psychologist, and author of 0:04:08.200 --> 0:04:11.200 the book Platonic, How the Science of Attachment can help 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:12.760 You Make and Keep Friends. 0:04:13.240 --> 0:04:16.240 Not only is doctor Franco a psychologist, but she's also 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:20.360 a friendship expert. She's traveled the world studying the science 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:21.440 behind friendship. 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:24.920 Now you may remember we've had doctor Franco on Dope 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:27.840 Labs before we learned a lot from her in Lab 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:30.120 twenty six, and she didn't have a book then, so 0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:33.039 we can't wait to get into the information that's in 0:04:33.080 --> 0:04:36.520 this text. Yes, we know how important friendship is for 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:40.320 me and TT, but what does science tell us about friendship? 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:43.360 We know from the science set just like we need food, 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:46.520 we need water, we need air, we need social connection 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:49.440 to be functioning at our best, which is why research 0:04:49.520 --> 0:04:53.000 actually finds that the impact of loneliness is a kind 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:56.440 to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. It's actually linked to 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:59.120 how long you live, your level of connection even more 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:01.160 so than you're die, and the amount. 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:01.800 That you exercise. 0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:06.440 So if this doesn't underscore how important friendship is in 0:05:06.520 --> 0:05:10.320 combating loneliness, I don't know what will fifteen cigarettes a day, 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:12.360 how many cigarettes are in a pack. 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:15.680 I also think friendship specifically plays a huge role in 0:05:15.720 --> 0:05:18.400 our identities. When we hang out with our friends, we 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:20.479 learn different ways of being in the world, and we 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:23.640 begin to incorporate that into who we are as people. 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:27.400 A lot of people put a lot of energy into 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:33.440 dating or finding their life love partners, but doctor Franco 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:39.559 is right, friendships are also really really important to our identities. 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:42.000 And doctor Franco says that people often pit romance and 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:45.280 friendship against each other when they're actually a lot more 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:46.640 connected than we might think. 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:50.279 Friendship is part of what having a healthy romantic relationship 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:52.600 looks like. For example, there are studies that find that 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:56.000 when you're going through conflict with your partner, you're gonna 0:05:56.040 --> 0:05:59.200 have dysregulated stress hormone release, but not if you have 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:01.960 close friends. And so friendship in the ways that it 0:06:02.000 --> 0:06:06.160 stabilizes us and grounds us also primes us to experience 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:09.120 healthier relationships and all other aspects of our lives. 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:12.159 Friendships feel like those before you could really swim. They 0:06:12.200 --> 0:06:13.600 would give you those little things to go on your 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:17.080 arms to keep you from drowning. Uh huh, floaties when 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:19.279 you jump into a sea of conflict. Friendship is like 0:06:19.320 --> 0:06:20.880 the floaties to be like, hey. 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:21.960 We have you bellied. 0:06:22.000 --> 0:06:25.760 We're not gonna let you drown. Friends, that's perfect, and 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:28.160 this friendship has been that for me. Baby. 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:32.000 Okay, we more than floaties. Now, we a whole scuba suit. 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:33.599 We come with oxygen. 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:37.080 Okay, go down there if you want. 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:38.880 We've got even when you're down in the depths, you 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:48.320 still got it, we ask doctor Franco to break down 0:06:48.320 --> 0:06:51.480 the difference between romantic and platonic relationships. 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:55.320 The origin of platonic comes from Plato the philosopher, and 0:06:55.600 --> 0:06:57.839 he talked about friendship at a time when it really 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:00.600 wasn't seen on a hierarchy like it is today. And 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:02.960 in fact, they talk about a philosopher in the book 0:07:03.080 --> 0:07:06.480 who has this quote around friendship being so beautiful because 0:07:07.000 --> 0:07:10.040 we don't need sex to keep us together. We're just 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:13.360 in it because of each other's characters. And even if 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:15.640 we don't have this formal ceremonity to hold it together, 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:18.080 we're still in this relationship and in that way, it's 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:19.600 divine and its own right. 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:24.120 Yes, yes, yes, you know, I believe in the ability 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:27.480 to go. I think if every day you get to 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:29.200 wake up and choose like, yes, I still want to 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:31.680 engage with this person, it must be real. 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:32.320 Ye, Okay. 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:35.680 In Doctor Franco's book, she has this thing that she 0:07:35.760 --> 0:07:39.320 calls a shovel friendship, and it's a person who is 0:07:39.320 --> 0:07:44.600 your friend that would literally bury the body should you 0:07:44.680 --> 0:07:50.320 show up. And I told her, Zakia is absolutely my 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:51.280 shovel friend. 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.680 And that's the thing, right, Somebody that is willing to 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:57.560 do that for you has to love you. Doctor Franko 0:07:57.680 --> 0:08:02.760 tells us that people compartmentalize platonic and romantic relationships too much, 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:06.040 and that the same thing that makes romance successful also 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:08.240 creates successful friendships. A. 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:11.600 Rout Ad and I go as far as to argue 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.560 that actually romance is part of friendship, right, like those 0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:17.240 feelings like you're idealizing someone, you want to spend all 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:20.680 your time with them, your territorial of them. People often 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:23.840 feel that in friends, particularly with best friendships, and that's 0:08:23.880 --> 0:08:25.280 separate from sexual interest. 0:08:25.720 --> 0:08:28.200 I love this point, and doctor Franco talks about this 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:31.480 in her book with some very specific stories throughout history. 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:34.600 One of our favorites that she shared was about President 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:39.280 Abraham Lincoln and his close friend Joshua Speed. They were 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:43.240 so close, these two men, they shared a bed, they 0:08:43.240 --> 0:08:45.760 were love letters to each other back then. 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:47.559 That was all considered normal. 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:51.040 Romance has actually been part of friendship, even more so 0:08:51.120 --> 0:08:54.280 than marriage throughout history, because we used to get married 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:58.160 to people because we wanted to pull resources, we wanted 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:02.360 to be affiliated with their family. It was a practical endeavor, 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:05.880 and the sexes were considered so distinct, so the idea 0:09:05.960 --> 0:09:08.120 was you can't really connect with someone who's a different 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.959 gender as you. Where you find that deep romance, those 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:14.440 people that really get you, those people you feel passionate about, 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:17.040 is through your friends and so Abe and Joshua speed 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:20.200 story and historians still argue over whether this was sexual, 0:09:20.280 --> 0:09:22.120 But I frame it in the larger context of the 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:25.360 time that their interaction was normal. Friends would carve their 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:28.559 names into trees, friends would even go on the honeymoons 0:09:28.720 --> 0:09:31.880 of people that got married. Romance as being a part 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:35.280 of friendship was all normal, and we've only stigmatized it 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:38.920 more or seen it as separate from friendship within the 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:39.880 past one hundred. 0:09:39.640 --> 0:09:40.520 And fifty years. 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:42.280 Yeah, I told t T that I would be on 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:45.000 her honeymoon before I realized it was going to be hiking. 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:46.719 Then I was out. 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:51.320 Then no one came. Shoot, my goodness. Everybody bailed out. 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:53.280 What happened? Whatving? 0:09:54.640 --> 0:09:57.000 But I was at the wedding. Yes, you were one 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:59.199 of my bridesmaids. You have to be there. It was 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:00.800 no way I was doing it without you. 0:10:00.960 --> 0:10:05.000 The stigmas be damned. I wasn't worried about those stigmas. Okay, 0:10:05.160 --> 0:10:07.640 no new day new age and I'm feeling good. 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:11.920 But we wanted to know more about like when all 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:15.000 of this happened, When did that shift with friendship occur? 0:10:15.440 --> 0:10:19.920 And doctor Franco talks about how industrialization actually impacted our 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:21.239 approach to friendship. 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:27.000 Before eighteen sixty seven, our sexual orientation it wasn't an identity. 0:10:27.120 --> 0:10:28.920 It was just forbidden to have sex with someone of 0:10:28.920 --> 0:10:32.640 the same sex. It wasn't forbidden to be gay, and 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:35.239 all these sort of consolation of behaviors that we associate 0:10:35.280 --> 0:10:37.440 with being gay, like if you hold a friend's hand, 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:39.400 you're not having sex with them, so that's not stigmatized. 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:41.360 Or you write them a love letter, you're not having 0:10:41.440 --> 0:10:43.720 sex with them, so that wasn't stigmatized at the time. 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:46.960 And then what started to happen is at that time, 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:50.520 industrialization was happening. People were moving into cities, things are 0:10:50.520 --> 0:10:54.040 more anonymous, There started to be more same gender relationships. 0:10:54.360 --> 0:10:58.280 There is a push for psychiatrists, specifically Sigmund Fred another 0:10:58.320 --> 0:11:02.400 guy named Richard Vonkraft Ebbing, where they sort of created 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:07.560 this theory around same sex love. They created almost this 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:10.800 concept of sexual orientation as a larger identity because they 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:12.720 wanted to say that it was a disorder, So they 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:15.559 created this identity to then push this agenda of something 0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:17.960 went wrong in your childhood that made you attracted to 0:11:18.000 --> 0:11:19.320 be with someone of the same gender. 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:23.280 So what Freud was trying to do was intellectualize homophobia 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:27.960 by saying that homosexuality was some sort of perversion, and 0:11:28.000 --> 0:11:34.000 that was to reinforce his and society's views of homosexuality. 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:37.040 So Freud was just a piece in the overall puzzle that. 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:42.959 Creates this society that is steeped in homophobia and affecting 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:45.960 same sex platonic relationships. 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:48.000 And I think a lot of this has to do 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:51.520 with the gendering of friendship. It was normal before for 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:54.320 men to have friends and be you know, the homies, 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.240 the same way we see besties always characterized as women 0:11:57.320 --> 0:11:59.320 in the media. That was the same thing we were 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:02.240 seeing with men. It wasn't until over time we saw 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:08.319 friendship being characterized as feminine and femininity being tied to homosexuality, 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:11.840 and homosexuality being seen as negative that men felt to 0:12:11.920 --> 0:12:16.360 perform heterosexuality, that they had to distance themselves from friendship 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:20.040 which felt feminine to them, and it becomes stigmatized along 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:23.240 with a lot of behaviors that were previously considered platonic. 0:12:24.120 --> 0:12:26.680 Remember when we started saying, well, not we, But when 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:30.840 folks started saying romance, romance when it was just two 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:33.800 men that were friends, Yeah, what are we doing here? 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:36.199 The homophobia is just peaku. 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:40.080 All of these arguably romantic behaviors that were so normal 0:12:40.120 --> 0:12:44.080 to friendship because of homophobia really became a lot less normal. 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.440 And even now, I think there's this concept in the 0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:50.000 research called homo hysteria, which is fear of being perceived 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:54.160 as gay, and I think that phenomenon in particular really 0:12:54.200 --> 0:12:57.280 affects straight men's ability to connect with each other. And 0:12:57.360 --> 0:12:59.480 there's a study that the more homophobic a man is, 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:02.480 the less his friendships are because of the way we 0:13:02.520 --> 0:13:07.520 conflate any sort of intimacy, natural normal intimacy between men, 0:13:07.640 --> 0:13:09.520 we conflate it with sexual interest. 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:10.400 Uh. 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.480 We need to be talking about this because it's not 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:13.240 just in the research. 0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:13.800 I'm seeing it. 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:18.000 I'm seeing it playing out on Instagram and Twitter and 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:20.200 the tiktoks daily daily. 0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:23.200 Honey, If this is affecting your friendships, and we are 0:13:23.240 --> 0:13:27.960 saying friendships are a key part of your romantic relationships, 0:13:28.000 --> 0:13:30.520 it's also affecting your romantic relationships too. 0:13:30.600 --> 0:13:33.000 Right, Because everything that you're supposed to be getting from 0:13:33.040 --> 0:13:36.080 your friends, you are trying to get from your romantic partner. 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:38.600 With your romantic partner will ten times out of ten not. 0:13:38.640 --> 0:13:39.679 Be able to fulfill. 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:43.200 So you really just out here in a relationship and 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:44.280 still lonely. 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:49.000 Fifteen cigarettes a day. I think this brings us right 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:51.680 back to what we were saying about friendship. This is 0:13:51.800 --> 0:13:54.679 just another type of relationship. And if you haven't practiced 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:58.720 friendship with your platonic friends, you're supposed to automatically know 0:13:58.720 --> 0:14:00.000 how to do it in a relationship. 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:05.040 I don't think that's how that works, y'all. Not Alan 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:05.800 overson out here. 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:09.199 You need you need to practice practice. Yes, we're talking 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:10.400 about practice. 0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:14.520 And so when we think about how do people show 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:17.280 up in friendships right now, a lot of this is 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:21.240 related to attachment theory and attachment styles, how people show 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:24.720 up and how this affects their connection with others. 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.240 So the idea is who we are affects how we connect, 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:30.480 and how we've connected affects who we are our personality, 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:34.200 our trust of other people, our openness, our friendliness. That's 0:14:34.200 --> 0:14:37.320 fundamentally shaped by whether we've connected in the past or 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:39.840 been heard in the past. That's really affected who we are. 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:42.760 In her book, Doctor Franco talks about six traits that 0:14:42.840 --> 0:14:45.200 make it more likely for you to connect with people 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:53.280 their initiative, vulnerability, authenticity, productive, anger, affection, and generosity. 0:14:53.760 --> 0:14:56.840 You would have these traits naturally if you didn't go 0:14:56.920 --> 0:15:00.520 through some previous baggage trauma, big t, small tea charmer. 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:02.680 But if you didn't go through these wounds, you would 0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:05.160 all have these traits. We're all inherently pro social and 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:06.000 social creatures. 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:10.480 That's right. Most primates that includes us are working together 0:15:10.920 --> 0:15:15.080 in a social order to benefit ourselves and others. Okay, 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:19.440 And so how you're raised, your neighborhood, your economic factors, 0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:24.000 your education, all of that determines the types of connections 0:15:24.000 --> 0:15:27.240 that you make. Those early interactions kind of set that 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:30.360 mold for how you engage as you move about the 0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:33.200 cabin of life. And so if you're operating with one 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:36.240 set of instructions and somebody else's operating with another, it 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:39.320 can be hard to make healthy, strong connections with those folks, 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:43.320 or even to form connections in the first place. We 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:46.720 begin to learn how to attach to others as babies, 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:51.000 and those experiences continue to inform our relationships as adults. 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:54.160 Attachment theory is basically telling us you have these early 0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:58.640 relationships with your parents. It created a template for how 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:02.640 people will respond to you throughout life. And because social 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.240 interaction is inherently very ambiguous, you don't know why someone's 0:16:06.280 --> 0:16:09.280 not responding to you. You don't know if someone's quiet 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:11.080 because they hate you or because they're. 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:12.040 Tired or hungry. 0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:16.400 This template tends to be what is reality for us. 0:16:16.560 --> 0:16:19.000 It tends to be what impacts our bodies, what impacts 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.680 how we respond, what impacts how we behave in our friendships, 0:16:21.920 --> 0:16:23.840 more so than the truth, more so than whatever the 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:25.040 reality actually is. 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:28.520 We've talked about the mind body connection before in previous 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:32.360 labs like our lab called Good Anxiety with doctor Wendy Suzuki, 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:36.480 in Mind over Matter with doctor Susanne O'Sullivan and Art 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:39.920 Therapy with Professor Juliet King. And our relationships with other 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:42.920 people can affect how we feel in our bodies, depending 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.120 on whether we feel safe or not, and if we're 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:49.600 fearful or anxious, our bodies might go into fight or 0:16:49.600 --> 0:16:53.520 flight with our friends, making it hard to make decisions 0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:55.440 or have a calm conversation. 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:58.960 So when we think about it, our life experiences yes 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:04.199 create eight and cement what our attachment styles are going 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:04.439 to be. 0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:07.320 Oh absolutely, our brain begins to predict. 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:10.520 How our relationships should go, how we connect with other people, 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:13.159 and it's all based on what we've seen before. So 0:17:13.320 --> 0:17:17.479 over time, your template of what happens in relationships becomes 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:21.840 internalized as your attachment style, and this then predicts how 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:25.359 we form attachment or connection in relationships with others. 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:30.359 Doctor Franco's book focuses on three attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, 0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:34.159 and secure. The first style is anxious attachment. 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:37.520 You think everybody is going to abandon you when it 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:41.959 comes to relationships. You are clinging or you take things personally. 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:45.080 You appreciate the ability to earn people's loves, so you 0:17:45.240 --> 0:17:48.320 enter in relationships with people that don't treat you right. 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:51.239 You have trouble expressing your needs because again, you think 0:17:51.240 --> 0:17:53.200 people are going to abandon you, and you tend to 0:17:53.359 --> 0:17:55.920 develop friendships really quickly, but they can be very volatile 0:17:56.040 --> 0:17:57.320 and also end very quickly. 0:17:57.560 --> 0:17:59.600 Look to your left and to your right, do you 0:17:59.640 --> 0:18:03.560 know someone like this or is it you right? 0:18:03.880 --> 0:18:07.160 And that makes sense if you are nervous about things, 0:18:07.200 --> 0:18:09.640 you're trying to quickly get to the good part. And 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:12.080 you don't want people to leave, so you're going to 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:14.000 be constantly doing those things. That makes sense to me. 0:18:15.000 --> 0:18:18.240 Doctor Franco share some tips for folks with different attachment styles. 0:18:18.760 --> 0:18:21.760 Here's what she suggests. If you're anxiously attached. 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:25.360 For anxiously attached, one thing that would really help is 0:18:25.600 --> 0:18:30.480 to assume people like you. When you're anxiously attached, you 0:18:30.480 --> 0:18:34.240 have this implicit low self esteem and you think other 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:36.800 people don't like you. So if it's ambiguous and you 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:39.080 don't know, just assume that people like you. 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:41.760 The second is avoidant attachment. 0:18:42.080 --> 0:18:44.080 You tend to not have that many friends, and if 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:47.040 you do, they don't feel like they really know you. 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:49.480 Feels like you're at a distance. You don't ask your 0:18:49.480 --> 0:18:51.840 friends for anything. You feel very easily burdened if they 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.919 ask you for something. If there's a problem in friendship, 0:18:55.040 --> 0:18:57.200 you just sort of tend to cut it off. Your 0:18:57.280 --> 0:18:59.879 template is that people can't be trusted and if I 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:01.879 go to them for help, they will not help me. 0:19:02.000 --> 0:19:04.800 So I have to be self sufficient and that affects 0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:07.520 how avoidantly attached people interpret the world. For example, I 0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:10.000 say a study that shows that when someone does something 0:19:10.080 --> 0:19:13.239 nice for it, avoidantly attached people, they think that that 0:19:13.280 --> 0:19:15.640 person is doing it because they want something out of them, 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:16.280 and that's the. 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:17.400 Reality that is in their body. 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:19.359 So when people do nice things for them, they're not 0:19:19.400 --> 0:19:22.240 even taking that in and they continue to go forth 0:19:22.280 --> 0:19:24.119 in the world like it's true that people can't be 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:26.800 trusted even when people are showing them love all around them. 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:30.120 This has to do with how you have formed these 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:35.040 templates for attachment in the past or in your early 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:36.280 stages as a child. 0:19:36.800 --> 0:19:37.280 That's right. 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:40.080 The next tip is one that works for both anxious 0:19:40.200 --> 0:19:43.639 and avoidant attachment styles, and it's to recognize moments of 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:45.240 safety in your relationships. 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:49.520 When you are anxiously or avoidantly attached, you tune in 0:19:49.800 --> 0:19:52.640 so much to the negative because that's what your internal 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:55.560 template is, and you don't notice when people are being 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:58.959 loving towards you, or affirming you or supporting you. And 0:19:59.040 --> 0:20:01.960 so when your friend shows up for you, when your 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:04.359 friend listens to you, when your friend reaches out to you, 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:08.040 just to check in, pause and savor that in your body. 0:20:08.119 --> 0:20:10.240 What does that feel like for you internally? 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:14.640 Doctor Franco cites the work of doctor Rick Hansen, another psychologist, 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:18.600 about internalizing moments of safety and how that can actually 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:23.080 change your brain structure. For avoidantly attached people, doctor Franco 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:26.680 suggests asking yourself if there's something that someone has done 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:29.440 to suggest that they're untrustworthy, and if. 0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:34.119 You cannot identify something that they've done, recognize that your 0:20:34.160 --> 0:20:37.520 assumption that you can't trust them is coming from your 0:20:37.640 --> 0:20:43.800 history rather than the realities of the situation, and ask yourself, 0:20:43.920 --> 0:20:46.919 how would I go about this relationship differently if I 0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:48.320 felt like I could trust that. 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:50.320 Person and experiment. 0:20:50.720 --> 0:20:53.440 Experimenting is really important for changing our attachment styles, because 0:20:53.440 --> 0:20:56.240 attachment sells like an algorithm. If A, then B. If 0:20:56.280 --> 0:20:58.840 I'm vulnerable, people will reject me. If I reach out, 0:20:58.880 --> 0:21:00.719 people won't want to hear from me. And when we 0:21:00.840 --> 0:21:03.840 experiment and we do the thing that makes us scared 0:21:04.359 --> 0:21:07.200 and there's a different outcome, and we savor that outcome, 0:21:07.240 --> 0:21:10.600 we internalize that outcome, we feel the impact in our bodies. 0:21:10.800 --> 0:21:13.000 That's the work of changing our internal algorithm. 0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:16.719