1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:04,920 Speaker 1: When the vision itself came to me was the culmination 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:11,200 Speaker 1: of an accumulation of learnings over my lifetime. You might say, 3 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: at first, I thought, why am I being given this vision? 4 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: Surely there are others more worthy of being burdened with 5 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:31,720 Speaker 1: the gift of child honoring as a philosophy. I'm Chris Garcia, 6 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,319 Speaker 1: and this is Finding Raffie, a ten part series from 7 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: My Heart Radio and Fatherly in partnership with The Rococo 8 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:43,000 Speaker 1: Punch about the life, philosophy, and the work of Raffie, 9 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 1: the man behind the music. One morning in Raphie says 10 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 1: he woke up from a deep sleep with a vision 11 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:04,000 Speaker 1: two words suspended in mid air, char honoring. I knew 12 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 1: in that luminous moment that I was being given something 13 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,319 Speaker 1: that would be the work of the rest of my life. 14 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: I knew in that moment that it was a unique 15 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:20,000 Speaker 1: social change revolution that connects personal, culture and planet, an 16 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:30,840 Speaker 1: integrated philosophy for restoring communities and restoring the earth. Everything 17 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: in Ralphie's mind seems to come down to child honoring. 18 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 1: It came up over and over again in our conversations. Basically, 19 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:42,040 Speaker 1: it's his philosophy for saving the planet by putting children first. 20 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 1: It eventually became a book and an online course, and 21 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 1: Ralphie was selling it to me pretty hard and one 22 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 1: way you can deepen your connection with the beautiful words 23 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 1: that you might read and wonder how might I practice 24 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 1: this in my own family, as you would take the 25 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 1: online course in child hon ring that my Raffie Foundation 26 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:08,440 Speaker 1: offers for a very reasonable price. On my dad, I 27 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 1: took the bait. Raphie's philosophy covers a lot. He asked 28 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,880 Speaker 1: us to consider so many different concepts with children in mind, 29 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 1: from the way we grow our food to how we 30 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:23,880 Speaker 1: measure economic progress. He paints a picture of a utopian 31 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 1: world full of farmers, markets, parents volunteering with their kids, 32 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 1: and pesticide free parks. I found it hard to know 33 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,720 Speaker 1: where I'm supposed to step in, both as a person 34 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,799 Speaker 1: and as a parent. See and reading it, it made 35 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,920 Speaker 1: me think a lot about privilege, because it's there's so 36 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,560 Speaker 1: much pressure on parents to make sure they're doing everything 37 00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 1: just perfectly, reading the right books, having the right toys. 38 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, it's about survival 39 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 1: and love, and not everyone has the means to curate 40 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:59,079 Speaker 1: the perfect bubble for their child. There's no such thing 41 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: as perfect parenting. So let's just put that out of 42 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: our minds. All parents, in their various situations, sum are 43 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,839 Speaker 1: having a tough time month after month making ends meet. 44 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 1: You know. Everybody's got different pressures, different challenges, and also 45 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 1: different rewards, you know, but we're all doing our best. 46 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,960 Speaker 1: And the point of conscious parenting is to be conscious 47 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:39,080 Speaker 1: of how we are parenting, how we were parented, what 48 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 1: that instilled in us that might be passed on to 49 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: our children. So it's a call to conscious living. Raphae's 50 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 1: child honoring vision might sound a little esoteric, but I 51 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: have to give the guy credit. He knows when and 52 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 1: who to ask for help. He called up the top 53 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: thinkers and environmental health education, business, in psychology, you name it, 54 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: to test his ideas and shape his philosophy. I would 55 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: like to think that before I met Rafiel, I was 56 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: doing child honoring work. This is Dr Sharna Olfman, a 57 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 1: Canadian expat living in Pittsburgh. She co wrote Raphael's Child 58 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: Honoring book and happens to be a leading expert in 59 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:25,320 Speaker 1: developmental psychology. One of the many reasons I'm excited to 60 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: talk to you um today is because you're an expert 61 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,359 Speaker 1: in all of this and I am a sponge that 62 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: wants to soak in all this knowledge with you. Well, 63 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:39,440 Speaker 1: I want to be really clear that the child honoring 64 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:46,000 Speaker 1: philosophy is Raphael's philosophy, but we're part of this community. 65 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:51,599 Speaker 1: The solutions require the work and the ideas of people 66 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:55,679 Speaker 1: in many, many different professions. In her book series called 67 00:04:55,880 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: Childhood in America, Sharna writes about some controversial educational reforms 68 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:04,039 Speaker 1: that she believed were harming our children, and Raffie was 69 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 1: all about it. What were you trying to communicate to 70 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,760 Speaker 1: the world at that time? There were kind of a 71 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,599 Speaker 1: confluence events that led to the creation of that book, 72 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:15,159 Speaker 1: So maybe it would help to unpack that a little bit. 73 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,919 Speaker 1: If you were in preschool in the nineties, you most 74 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,680 Speaker 1: likely spent your days playing with ghak and sitting on 75 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,360 Speaker 1: a carpet square singing Barney songs. It was pretty chill. 76 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:33,119 Speaker 1: Playtime was the popular curriculum. Then flash forwards two thousand 77 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,680 Speaker 1: and two, Former President George W. Bush had just passed 78 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:40,600 Speaker 1: the highly criticized No Child Left Behind Act, and suddenly 79 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 1: schools became very test driven, meaning preschool kids spent more 80 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,920 Speaker 1: time sitting at their desk taking tests than they did 81 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: outside learning how to play. As a clinical psychologist, I 82 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,720 Speaker 1: was aware of this very big up surge in the 83 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:04,480 Speaker 1: number of children who are being diagnosed with attention deficit 84 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:09,400 Speaker 1: disorder and who are also being prescribed stimulants. So there 85 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: were like one in ten kids being prescribed riddle in 86 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,040 Speaker 1: there are these kind of formal preschool settings, and also 87 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:21,039 Speaker 1: there was this uptick in play getting translated to screen time. 88 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 1: At the time, my son had just lost a person 89 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,840 Speaker 1: that was very, very important to him, and it was 90 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:39,000 Speaker 1: a very very traumatic event for my son. So I'm 91 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 1: looking at all of these different trends and I'm thinking 92 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:46,480 Speaker 1: about my child, and I'm thinking that these preschool settings 93 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,120 Speaker 1: don't feel right for him. This was how I felt 94 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,479 Speaker 1: as a parent, but it is also how I felt 95 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,719 Speaker 1: as a developmental psychologist. If you take a bunch of 96 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,600 Speaker 1: kids and you sit them at desks when they're meant 97 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,279 Speaker 1: to be playing creatively, and then you know they spend 98 00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:04,680 Speaker 1: their leisure time in front of screens, it's going to 99 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 1: create some developmental issues. I look back and I think 100 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: about my childhood and I was a very energetic boy 101 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,360 Speaker 1: that sat in a desk in a Catholic school all 102 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: day and then watched TV at night, and I think 103 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: my teachers and then my parents thought that I was 104 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: just a bad student or incapable of learning. I ended 105 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: up going to UC Berkeley, one of the best colleges 106 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,640 Speaker 1: in the world, but I stumbled out of the gates 107 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 1: because I don't think I was meant to sit in 108 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 1: a chair and then watch The Simpsons all night. Afterwards, 109 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: in my own head, I almost saw myself as a 110 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: bad student, even though I wasn't, because I just couldn't 111 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:57,240 Speaker 1: participate in that environment absolutely, And then those labels risks 112 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 1: sort of becoming self fulfilling prophecies. You know. The the 113 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 1: issue isn't that you can't get there from a lesson 114 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 1: optimal beginning, but why make it so hard? Um? Should 115 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,840 Speaker 1: I be paying you for this session? And is this 116 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,600 Speaker 1: become a therapy session? Now? I feel like I feel 117 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,080 Speaker 1: so much. I'm like, you're right, and you know it 118 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 1: wasn't my fault and if only that would have happened, 119 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,040 Speaker 1: I figured it out, But you know I shouldn't. I 120 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,120 Speaker 1: shouldn't have had to. Um. Can you tell me about 121 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 1: the first time you met Raffie? So you know, Raffie 122 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: heard about my work and Ralphie was kind enough to 123 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:36,719 Speaker 1: fly out to Pittsburgh and he uh met me at 124 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 1: my home. At the time, Sharna's kids were six and 125 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 1: nine years old, prime Raffie years. So when we finished 126 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: our meeting, Raffie grabbed a banana from my kitchen, put 127 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,800 Speaker 1: it to his ear and his mouth like he was 128 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:56,560 Speaker 1: holding a banana phone from just like the cover art 129 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: on his famous Banana Phone album, and he greeted the 130 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,560 Speaker 1: kids and he talked to them through the banana. It 131 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:08,360 Speaker 1: was just a really wonderful a first meeting, and my 132 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:13,840 Speaker 1: kids just were enthralled. Ring ring ring, ring, ring ring ring. 133 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: Banana phone Ying Yang Yin Yang Yin Yang ying yan fool. 134 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:24,720 Speaker 1: It's a real live mama and Papa phone, a brother 135 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: and sister and a doga phone, a grandpa phone, and 136 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:42,600 Speaker 1: a Granma phone to oh yeah, my cell learn Ralph 137 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: he saw something in Sharna's work that he'd been trying 138 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: to articulate for the last several years. How we treat 139 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,560 Speaker 1: our children is the key to building a sustainable world. 140 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:56,360 Speaker 1: A few months after their first meeting, Ralfie flies Sharna, 141 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: her husband Dan, and their two young children out to 142 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 1: his home on a small island off the coast of Vancouver, 143 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 1: and I like to say we were living the child 144 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,840 Speaker 1: honoring life. You know, it really was a beautiful, idyllic 145 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:18,320 Speaker 1: two weeks. Main Island is this beautiful island off the 146 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:24,120 Speaker 1: coast of British Columbia, surrounded by the Pacific Ocean. We 147 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:29,439 Speaker 1: timed the visit to coincide with this amazing nature camp 148 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,560 Speaker 1: that was taking place that my kids were able to 149 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 1: participate in. And it was such a magical camp, wooded, beautiful, 150 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,560 Speaker 1: and the kids spent all day every day in nature, 151 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:48,720 Speaker 1: tramping around the woods, splashing around in the ocean, collecting shells, 152 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: and putting on little plays, et cetera. Evenings, he would 153 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:59,000 Speaker 1: often join us for dinner and we would spend hours 154 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,959 Speaker 1: talking about how how to make the world a better 155 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:07,000 Speaker 1: place for children. I think that Ralphie took me more 156 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:12,120 Speaker 1: deeply into my awareness of you know, issues like global 157 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: warming and soil health, etcetera. Yeah, it was absolutely a 158 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:23,080 Speaker 1: pivotal experience for me, and it was just a wonderful 159 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 1: way to kind of launch the work that we did 160 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 1: together over the course of the next couple of years 161 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:36,320 Speaker 1: bringing the book to fruition. What would you say is 162 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,880 Speaker 1: was the vision or the goal for this book. So 163 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: the Child Honoring Philosophy is both profound and elegant, I 164 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,320 Speaker 1: would say, in its simplicity. But I would say that 165 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 1: probably the first impulse for Rafie in creating The Child 166 00:11:55,559 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: Honoring Philosophy was his concern about the health the physical planet. 167 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:09,640 Speaker 1: You know, his concern about global warming, his concern about water, air, soil. 168 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: You know, at the core, we're literally killing our children's home, 169 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 1: We're killing their planet. And if we want to turn 170 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,680 Speaker 1: this ship around and we want to create a healthy 171 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: planet and a healthy world, not in which children can survive, 172 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,840 Speaker 1: but in which they can fully thrive and fully self actualize, 173 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:31,720 Speaker 1: then all of us need to lead with the question 174 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: is what I'm doing, what I'm saying, how I'm acting 175 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:40,560 Speaker 1: in the best interests of the young child. So I 176 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,600 Speaker 1: would like to say that the child Honoring Philosophy could 177 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:48,199 Speaker 1: also be thought of as a value. When we lead 178 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,120 Speaker 1: with that value, then we create a world that is 179 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:56,120 Speaker 1: fit for children. When we don't, we end up with 180 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,439 Speaker 1: the dying planet and kids who are eating junk food 181 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,439 Speaker 1: and getting sick and not thriving and feeling like they 182 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: can't find a place for themselves in the world. It's 183 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:11,600 Speaker 1: putting kids first and their well being, and by doing that, 184 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: everything will fall in place exactly. So sometimes we get 185 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: like blinders even when we're working. Oh, it's all about 186 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:26,239 Speaker 1: the soil health, it's all about legislation, it's all about education, 187 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,920 Speaker 1: it's all about mental health. Now, it's all about all 188 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,720 Speaker 1: of these things because they all are integrated and they're 189 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:37,439 Speaker 1: all interdependent. And that's the child honoring philosophy, understanding that 190 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:41,080 Speaker 1: it's not just one issue, but it's all of the above. 191 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 1: I mean it it's where, Yeah, I'm just taking a 192 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: moment to absorb all this. It's a lot. If I 193 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 1: sound hesitant, it's not that I disagree with the one 194 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 1: aspect of this philosophy or what it hopes to do, 195 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 1: but like, how am I supposed to meet a tiny 196 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: humans most basic needs twenty four hours a day while 197 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,640 Speaker 1: also considering how my every action impacts the world she's inheriting. 198 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: I mean, from my vantage point, it's a lot for 199 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 1: a new parent to take in because you're talking about 200 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,960 Speaker 1: humongous systemic issues. Because I have to admit, doctor, I 201 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 1: started when we knew we were having a child. I 202 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:32,400 Speaker 1: jumped in. I was I was reading so much and 203 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 1: then you have a child, and you become a zombie 204 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,080 Speaker 1: for about three months, and then you crawl out. You 205 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: you come out of the thaw, and then you no 206 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 1: longer have time to read or understand anything. How do 207 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 1: I take this in? Where do I step in? Help 208 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 1: me out here? That's a really really good question. Ironically, 209 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,720 Speaker 1: in the effort to curate that perfect bubble, sometimes parents 210 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 1: are moving their kids away from what they need most. 211 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,600 Speaker 1: We want children's create civity to come from within, like 212 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:06,960 Speaker 1: go on a nature trail. It's free, there's nothing better, 213 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,520 Speaker 1: you know. But at the end of the day, what 214 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:14,440 Speaker 1: your child needs from you is your love and your time, 215 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:19,560 Speaker 1: and everything else is optional. I love allowing that space 216 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 1: for leniency because so many of his philosophies are incredible 217 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 1: in theory, but in practical application are they even possible? Right? So, 218 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 1: I think the idea is they're aspirational, but we do 219 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: what is healthiest for the family system. I don't know 220 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 1: if we have a system. It's more of a putting 221 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 1: out fires than saving the world kind of thing. Honestly, 222 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 1: we're just trying to make it to bedtime. And my 223 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,520 Speaker 1: parents didn't have much of a system either. As I've 224 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 1: said before, or they both had difficult upbringings, lived under 225 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: an oppressive regime, and as immigrants moved to an unfamiliar 226 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 1: country where they didn't speak the language or have much support. 227 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,160 Speaker 1: One of the unintended consequences that affected how they raised 228 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:21,280 Speaker 1: me was anxiety. For example, my parents food insecurity growing 229 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 1: up poor in Cuba translated to over feeding me and 230 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:28,400 Speaker 1: rushing through meal times. I still eat like the secret 231 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 1: police is going to take my plate away. And though 232 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: I've been fortunate enough to not have to flee my homeland, 233 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 1: I don't want to mirror my anxieties about the world 234 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:58,600 Speaker 1: directly onto Sunny. You know, while I have you here. 235 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 1: Um I just something I think about a lot recently. 236 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 1: I'm the first American born son of Cuban refugees, and 237 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 1: um so one thing I think about a lot is 238 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:16,000 Speaker 1: inherited family trauma, generational trauma. As people talk about these days, 239 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,199 Speaker 1: how something that happened to, say, my great great grandpa, 240 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:23,480 Speaker 1: affects me today and how it may have affected my 241 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,199 Speaker 1: the rest of my family, either physically or emotionally or 242 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 1: something like that. How do I avoid passing that trauma 243 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,200 Speaker 1: down to my daughter, to Sunny, I think a common 244 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,280 Speaker 1: mistake is for the pendulum to swing so far the 245 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 1: other way, like, I'm not going to do it that 246 00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:43,399 Speaker 1: way because that's you know, or I'm working from a 247 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,439 Speaker 1: place of fear, and so I'm going to do the 248 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: diametric opposite, which is also not always the best way 249 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 1: to go about it. So first is consciousness, so that 250 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:58,280 Speaker 1: we can think through our choices and how they affect 251 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:02,800 Speaker 1: us and what triggers us. And knowing that your daughter 252 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 1: will carry less of that trauma and will have other 253 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:13,640 Speaker 1: opportunities because you are doing the work of trying to understand. Yeah, 254 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,240 Speaker 1: I don't know if anyone in my family's ever had 255 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: almost the privilege to think about this. You know, they've 256 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 1: they've just been trying to survive and then, um, you 257 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,120 Speaker 1: know these cycles they're vicious and they just almost automatically 258 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 1: happen unless you take a moment to acknowledge it, become aware. Absolutely, 259 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,120 Speaker 1: I would agree with that. And you know, a conversation 260 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:37,040 Speaker 1: that Raphie and I had on more than one occasion was, 261 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:41,400 Speaker 1: you know the difference between being child centered and always 262 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:49,960 Speaker 1: putting child at the center of everything. You want to 263 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 1: give your children to the best of your ability with 264 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,560 Speaker 1: the means at hand, living in this very imperfect world 265 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:01,120 Speaker 1: that we live in the best opportunity to meet their 266 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: developmental needs. But at the same time, you don't want 267 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,959 Speaker 1: to raise a child who feels that they are at 268 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: the center of the universe and only their needs matter. 269 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 1: So part of being a child honoring parent is honoring 270 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:20,080 Speaker 1: yourself and honoring your needs and honoring your wellness so 271 00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:22,560 Speaker 1: that children also grow up to understand that they are 272 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:27,800 Speaker 1: part of a family system. Well, dr, this has been 273 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,520 Speaker 1: so helpful. Um, should we just pencil in one of 274 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,919 Speaker 1: these for next week as well? And then uh, we 275 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:37,679 Speaker 1: could just make this a regular thing because it's just 276 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,040 Speaker 1: been so lovely and h yeah, thank you so much 277 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,160 Speaker 1: for talking to me today. You're very very welcome, and 278 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,159 Speaker 1: I can see with great clarity that you are a 279 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:52,159 Speaker 1: child honoring parent and that Sonny is very lucky to 280 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: have you as a father. And it's been a pleasure. 281 00:19:55,520 --> 00:20:14,920 Speaker 1: Um speaking with you. Has developing the child honoring philosophy 282 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:20,480 Speaker 1: been healing to you in a similar way, like do 283 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,720 Speaker 1: you feel like it allows you to kind of break 284 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: the cycle of past traumas or hell part of you? Well, 285 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,479 Speaker 1: I imagine it has been that way for me. I 286 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:35,439 Speaker 1: think what child honoring has also given me is a 287 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: window into the truth of how we live and how 288 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:46,880 Speaker 1: we become our true selves. It's like when you discover, 289 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:50,919 Speaker 1: you know, the foundational experience of what it feels to 290 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,000 Speaker 1: be human as being in those early years. Well, you 291 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,360 Speaker 1: want to shout it from the rooftops. You want to say, Hey, 292 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,920 Speaker 1: it's not just the university degree. In fact, more important, 293 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:09,720 Speaker 1: it's how we raise these impressionable, vulnerable, susceptible people. We 294 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:14,200 Speaker 1: just want to co create a world that doesn't inflict 295 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:18,360 Speaker 1: so much trauma. Honest children, that's what we want. We 296 00:21:18,359 --> 00:21:22,760 Speaker 1: want to create a child honoring world, and that is 297 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 1: my deepest passion. Next time, on Finding Raffie, we dive 298 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 1: into how one family made sure their daughter was always 299 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,520 Speaker 1: seen and heard for who she really was. Their parenting 300 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:51,840 Speaker 1: journey is Raffie's philosophy come to life, radical, disruptive, and 301 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,600 Speaker 1: child rearing like few in the West have experienced. This 302 00:21:55,680 --> 00:22:00,440 Speaker 1: is what child honoring really looks like. But does it work? 303 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 1: My parents did this crazy thing. They sacrifice so much financially, emotionally, whatever, 304 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:15,200 Speaker 1: They made this amazing thing, and oh boy, I better 305 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,399 Speaker 1: turn out well I'm the one. As an example of 306 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,960 Speaker 1: look I turned out like this, so that means it works. 307 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,959 Speaker 1: Finding Raffie is a production of My Heart Radio and 308 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:35,080 Speaker 1: Fatherly in partnership with Rococo Punch. It's produced by Catherine Findalosa, 309 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:39,720 Speaker 1: Meredith Hanig, and James Trout. Production assistance from Charlotte Livingston. 310 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 1: Alex French is our story consultant. Our senior producer is 311 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:48,159 Speaker 1: Andrea swahe Emily Forman is our editor. Fact checking by 312 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 1: Andrea Lopez Crusado. Raphae's music is courtesy of Troubadour Music 313 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:58,240 Speaker 1: Special thanks to Kim Layton at Troubadour. Our executive producers 314 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,440 Speaker 1: are Jessica Albert and John parad at Rococo Punch, Ty Trimble, 315 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 1: Mike Rothman and Jeff Eisenman at Fatherly and Me Chris 316 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,879 Speaker 1: Garcia thank you for listening.