Speaker 1: I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was
Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some
Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Rspot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Greetings and grand rising to you. I am I on
Speaker 1: the van ZANDT your guide, your support, facilitator, teacher for
Speaker 1: some soft place for others. And this is the Our Spot,
Speaker 1: the place that we come to talk about all things relationships,
Speaker 1: all kinds of relationships, because relationships are one of the
Speaker 1: most important elements of our life. Everything is a relationship, y'all. Everything,
Speaker 1: how you eat, your money, when you see people in
Speaker 1: the street, your body, everything is a relationship. And our
Speaker 1: relationship with ourselves and our relationship with other people really
Speaker 1: determine the course, the nature, the tone, the tenor of
Speaker 1: our lives. So here at the Our Spot, we want
Speaker 1: to touch that place in your relationships that'll help make
Speaker 1: you better. And you know this season only our Spot,
Speaker 1: I promised you I'm gonna do things differently because I
Speaker 1: don't want to be an old dog that don't do
Speaker 1: new tricks. Actually, I don't want to be a dog
Speaker 1: at all. I just want to be old because you
Speaker 1: don't have to age. You don't have to age, but
Speaker 1: you've got to get older. So that's what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: And this season, I'm bringing in other people to talk
Speaker 1: to you about relationships. We've had guests, and I have
Speaker 1: a guest today that I'm so excited about to introduce
Speaker 1: you to in talking about relationships, and the thing that
Speaker 1: I love. The thing that I love about this guest
Speaker 1: is that this is a man who talks to women.
Speaker 1: I love that because women talking to women, you know,
Speaker 1: we don't pay each other no mine, and we get
Speaker 1: defensive and we get resistant. But when you have a
Speaker 1: fine young thing talking to you, and that what Michael
Speaker 1: Jackson said, pretty young thing, No you said young, I'm
Speaker 1: saying fine. You know when a woman says fine, you
Speaker 1: talk about wine and that's not going to make you
Speaker 1: drunk today. But no, I have a beautiful, beautiful brother
Speaker 1: with me today. You've probably seen him on Instagram on YouTube.
Speaker 1: I love the title of his book. He's lion siss
Speaker 1: straight up. He lying. Any time a man is going
Speaker 1: to give you the cheat cheet on how to deal
Speaker 1: with his brothers, He's okay in my book. Please join
Speaker 1: me and welcoming to the our spot. Stefan and you
Speaker 1: know him from Stefan Speaks, Welcome to the spot.
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me on.
Speaker 1: I'm so cute're just so cutey p tuty. I can't
Speaker 1: say fine because that's my cougar talking, So I want
Speaker 1: to call you cutie. And then you know, I'm talking
Speaker 1: to you like an elder, like a hanti. Okay, why
Speaker 1: are you talking to women about men? Why are you
Speaker 1: doing that?
Speaker 2: So the reality is that I speak to both men
Speaker 2: and women, but I was just saying to someone the
Speaker 2: other night, I, without any shame, I make women a
Speaker 2: priority because I feel that women have a very powerful
Speaker 2: level of influence and impact in the world. They are
Speaker 2: our mothers, our sisters, wise girlfriends, you name it, and
Speaker 2: so they're energy is extremely important because the woman's energy
Speaker 2: has the power to dictate the whole room, the whole household.
Speaker 2: So to me, I've used this saying before. I could
Speaker 2: heal a thousand men, but they may not be able
Speaker 2: to help heal a one woman, But if I hear
Speaker 2: a thousand a one woman, she can help heal a
Speaker 2: thousand men.
Speaker 1: Because she's the mother.
Speaker 2: Yes, she's a teacher, teacher exactly.
Speaker 1: You know, the honorable Elijah Muhammad said many many years ago,
Speaker 1: if you educate a man, you educate a man, But
Speaker 1: if you educate a woman, you educate a nation. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: So that is how we're rolling. And some of the
Speaker 1: things that you educate us about, I love it. I
Speaker 1: love it. So I went through all of your YouTube
Speaker 1: some of them I was fussing at you as some
Speaker 1: of them. I was amen, Yes, And so I want
Speaker 1: to just review with you some of the things that
Speaker 1: you have said or I've heard you say, so we
Speaker 1: can expound upon that. First of all, you said one thing.
Speaker 1: I just want to start here why I think it's
Speaker 1: so important that you're talking to women and men, Because
Speaker 1: we're sick of it. We're done with y'all. We're done,
Speaker 1: We're over it. Tired of being the sex partner, the housekeeper,
Speaker 1: the babysitter, and a soft place to fall, Tired of
Speaker 1: you not responding when we offer you an input. And
Speaker 1: I'm not saying the way we do it is always
Speaker 1: appropriate and correct, because it's not. But we're just sick
Speaker 1: of it. We're sick of it. And more and more
Speaker 1: women are opting to be alone rather than to put
Speaker 1: up with the conflomeration and wahalla that you guys are living.
Speaker 1: So I'm really grateful that you do this. Talk to
Speaker 1: me about Let me find this one statement. There's a
Speaker 1: lot more women with trauma stories than there are men.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you know about that and why.
Speaker 2: Well, I think we have to start with understanding how
Speaker 2: women are a differently than men. They are more emotionally driven.
Speaker 2: You know, people will argue, oh, men are just as emotional,
Speaker 2: they're not as emotionally driven. What's happening is you're seeing
Speaker 2: maybe more outbursts from men because men tend to suppress
Speaker 2: so much and when it finally comes out, it just
Speaker 2: pours out. But women feel constantly. Women are processing emotions constantly,
Speaker 2: so they have a bigger impact on them.
Speaker 1: And include me say you y'all.
Speaker 2: So, you guys, because of this, the trauma is at
Speaker 2: a higher level because there's more you're going to take
Speaker 2: from each experience emotionally, men tend to be so much
Speaker 2: more detached, so there's less of an impact on them
Speaker 2: with each situation that they have. Now, don't get me wrong,
Speaker 2: men have plenty of trauma plenty, but I would argue
Speaker 2: that yes, women take in more by the nature of
Speaker 2: how they are wired.
Speaker 1: Because my focus this year in twenty twenty four is
Speaker 1: really going to be on men. Tell me the impact
Speaker 1: of men not knowing how to process their feelings, how
Speaker 1: does that show up in our relationships?
Speaker 2: So it shows up one in So a lot of
Speaker 2: men subconsciously are choosing women who they can and both
Speaker 2: sides do this, but I think men aren't aware of
Speaker 2: it at all. They're choosing women where they can maintain
Speaker 2: a level of emotional control. So basically, you'll hear some
Speaker 2: people on the internet say a man should not fall
Speaker 2: in love with for women because when he falls in love,
Speaker 2: he loses all rationale, all logical thinking. And what that
Speaker 2: tells you is that a lot of men don't know
Speaker 2: how to handle being in love. They don't know how
Speaker 2: to handle those emotions. They got burned by it before.
Speaker 2: So now the only way to not fall in love
Speaker 2: again because no one chooses in that moment, let me
Speaker 2: just fall in love. We don't say okay, I want them,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna fall in love with them. It's something that
Speaker 2: just occurs naturally. So in order to avoid it, you
Speaker 2: have to basically consciously or subconsciously choose individuals you're not into.
Speaker 2: Like that, really yes, because it's the only way you
Speaker 2: can guarantee I won't cross this line. See, I like
Speaker 2: them at a level eight, but they can't get me
Speaker 2: to level nine or ten. That way, I won't ever
Speaker 2: be in that Google guy got love that I felt
Speaker 2: burning me before. But the problem for both men and
Speaker 2: women is that they don't understand love was not the issue.
Speaker 2: Fear was a lack of love was not understanding how
Speaker 2: to process their emotions. Love does not hurt you. Love
Speaker 2: is kind, Love is patient, love is considerate. Love never
Speaker 2: did you wrong, but your fear and your thought that
Speaker 2: I will lose this person, and then trying to hold
Speaker 2: on to them, I lost myself. And once you start
Speaker 2: to separate it, then you don't have to run from love.
Speaker 2: But a lot of men due to their trauma, due
Speaker 2: to heartbreak, because for a lot of guys, that's where
Speaker 2: a lot of trauma is. It's either for most people,
Speaker 2: it's going to be childhood and deep relationships, deep emotional relationships.
Speaker 1: I think the first place a man suffers heartbreak. And
Speaker 1: I could be very wrong, but my experience, particularly with
Speaker 1: my own son, I was the first woman to break
Speaker 1: his heart. I think most mothers don't recognize how they
Speaker 1: break their son's heart. They break their son's heart when
Speaker 1: they emotionally abandon them. They break their son's heart when
Speaker 1: they elevate them to the man of the house and
Speaker 1: then don't and then chastise them when they can't hold
Speaker 1: that responsibility or when they fail in that responsibility. I
Speaker 1: think we break our son's heart by not affirming them,
Speaker 1: by not acknowledging them. I think we break our son's
Speaker 1: hearts by making them responsible for things that they're not
Speaker 1: equipped to handle. I could be very wrong.
Speaker 2: No, I think it depends on the individual experience. I
Speaker 2: think for some men that has been the case, and
Speaker 2: all the things that you mentioned, especially the not affirming them,
Speaker 2: I think has a big role. On the flip side,
Speaker 2: you have some men who may not have been hurt
Speaker 2: by their mother, but they've been what's the word I'm
Speaker 2: looking for, they've been hindered by her. Yes, absolutely, because
Speaker 2: she's overly calledled them. She's overly affirmed them. She's given
Speaker 2: them no responsibility. Yes, and now this man grows up
Speaker 2: looking for a new mother that he has sex with.
Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Oh, called incest. That's nasty.
Speaker 2: He's just looking for someone to replace her role, but
Speaker 2: not in a healthy way because he does not know
Speaker 2: how to stand on his own two feet. So it
Speaker 2: can go both ways with that. But I do think
Speaker 2: if you were to talk to a lot of men,
Speaker 2: I come across more men who their heartbreak is a woman,
Speaker 2: a woman that they felt deeply for, whether they were
Speaker 2: in an actual relationship, whether they were a friend of
Speaker 2: hers and wanted her bally and she went with someone else.
Speaker 2: There's usually something like that of that nature in their life.
Speaker 1: How do I Okay, let's talk about that. And this
Speaker 1: is not the direction I thought we were going. But
Speaker 1: since we go on in this direction, let's just go
Speaker 1: on in this direction. We'll talk about that when they
Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the rspot. Let's pick up
Speaker 1: where we left off. How do women break men's hearts?
Speaker 1: Tell us how we do that?
Speaker 2: Where did we start?
Speaker 1: So listen, give me the top three, Give me the
Speaker 1: top three.
Speaker 2: Well, the top number one is just flat out rejection. Okay,
Speaker 2: well maybe we don't like you, granted, but it's still
Speaker 2: heartbreaking to that man. But it's rejection in the face
Speaker 2: of I'm trying to love you and give you good
Speaker 2: So number two, which is attached to number one, it's
Speaker 2: not only the rejection, but you rejected me for I
Speaker 2: hate to say, like this, for that trash of a man.
Speaker 2: You went to, this man over here that we all
Speaker 2: saw was toxic, unhealthy guy. Yes, doesn't do you right.
Speaker 2: I'm here trying to love you and you still choose him.
Speaker 2: That's heartbreak. Number two, that just compounded number one.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, because I gotta stick up for the sisters.
Speaker 1: I'm a good woman, I'm a clean woman, and you
Speaker 1: go over there and get the thought.
Speaker 2: You're a lot of men, yes, done with it, And
Speaker 2: so I think, so let's touch on that for a second,
Speaker 2: because here's what both sides are missing in that dynamic.
Speaker 2: I always say, a lot of men say, oh, these
Speaker 2: women just want thugs and bad boys, and I tell them, like, listen,
Speaker 2: it's not that he's a thug or a bad boy.
Speaker 2: Is that he exudes certain masculine traits that women are
Speaker 2: drawn to, and they would rather deal with a thug
Speaker 2: bad boy with those masculine traits or those perceived traits,
Speaker 2: than to deal with who they view as too soft
Speaker 2: and I have to toughen them up. See, it's easier
Speaker 2: for a woman to say, let me take the really
Speaker 2: hard guy and try to soften them up than the
Speaker 2: soft guy and try to harden them up, because that
Speaker 2: to her true nature. Her nature truly is on the
Speaker 2: softer side, not the hardest side. On the flip side,
Speaker 2: men aren't going to the thought because she's a thought.
Speaker 2: No man wakes up and says, I can't wait till
Speaker 2: I marry a hope like that doesn't it doesn't happen
Speaker 2: like that. That's not the dream that men have. It's
Speaker 2: just that the quote unquote thought possess certain traits and
Speaker 2: qualities that men are drawn to. And again, men will
Speaker 2: over many men, despite what they may claim, will overlook
Speaker 2: that perceived thoughtness, so to speak, because she's exuding those
Speaker 2: other things such as what like what that feminine energy,
Speaker 2: that that sexual energy?
Speaker 1: That its feminine or the sexual because a good girl,
Speaker 1: she has a lot of feminine energy.
Speaker 2: No, a lot of good girls have very neutral energy.
Speaker 1: So you don't have to tell me because I know
Speaker 1: about that.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's like they think being calm and cool is
Speaker 2: being feminine. No, you're neutral. You're not expressing desire, you're
Speaker 2: not showing interest. So I always say, if you pay attention,
Speaker 2: a lot of people, both men and women, they may
Speaker 2: have a good person and let's say a crazy person,
Speaker 2: and a lot of times they choose the crazy person
Speaker 2: to be with. Why Because the crazy person shows them desire,
Speaker 2: makes them feel wanted. And a lot of times these
Speaker 2: good people think just laying back, sitting back and because
Speaker 2: I'm good, you should pick me. But they're not expressive.
Speaker 2: They're not seductive, they're not affectionate in a way that
Speaker 2: draws that person in. So a perfect example of that
Speaker 2: feminine energy that the quote unquote thought may give. An
Speaker 2: analogy I'll use is I tell women, if you were
Speaker 2: to ever go to a strip club, all right, and
Speaker 2: you paid attention, the woman who can make the most
Speaker 2: money isn't necessarily. The woman that looks the best is
Speaker 2: not necessary. The woman has the best body, the one
Speaker 2: who talks to the custom of the best, the one
Speaker 2: who comes with that certain energy that makes the man
Speaker 2: feel good about himself. That's the thing that they're drawn to.
Speaker 2: And the reality is that the quote unquote perceived thought,
Speaker 2: and sometimes it's just a perception. She's not actually no, you.
Speaker 1: Don't know what I say. I say, and I'm real
Speaker 1: clear about it. I didn't understand it for a long
Speaker 1: time and I denied it. I'm not a hoe, but
Speaker 1: I'm hoish. I'm hoish. I know how to do that thing.
Speaker 1: I really do, and you know, I want to teach
Speaker 1: women how to do it, how to walk, because a
Speaker 1: woman who knows who she is can walk in the
Speaker 1: room and take total control of a man's body. She
Speaker 1: don't have to touch it, she don't have to even
Speaker 1: go near it, but she can drop that wholeness on
Speaker 1: and work the room. But we have been taught, particularly
Speaker 1: those of us who grew up in the church, that
Speaker 1: that's bad, that that's wrong. So I ain't a hoe,
Speaker 1: but I am hoish.
Speaker 2: And that's why we have to separate the behavior from
Speaker 2: the energy. Yes, no one's saying to be a whole
Speaker 2: in behavior, so to speak, but yes, you have to
Speaker 2: exude that energy, that femininity, that desired, that seductiveness. Like
Speaker 2: I have this thing where I tell people what I've
Speaker 2: seen from both sex is that you know, a lot
Speaker 2: of men on the internet say they don't want a
Speaker 2: woman that has.
Speaker 1: A pass but that has a pass.
Speaker 2: But tons of men you didn't.
Speaker 1: Want a woman that has a who got a pass.
Speaker 2: They want skilled without the.
Speaker 1: Experience that acquire that. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 2: But the thing is, despite them saying that, if they
Speaker 2: meet a woman they like and she has a pass
Speaker 2: and nobody knows about it, they go with it. They
Speaker 2: don't make an issue about it. It's only when it's
Speaker 2: known in public that it becomes a problem. And the
Speaker 2: funny thing is women do the same thing on the
Speaker 2: flip side, but not with sexual pass. With if he's
Speaker 2: broke or not. A lot of women will get online
Speaker 2: and say I won't they have broke man, this, that
Speaker 2: and the other. But if they meet a man and
Speaker 2: they like him and it turns out he's broke, as
Speaker 2: long as.
Speaker 1: The world broke, okay, she will deal.
Speaker 2: With amount of times. And so that's the thing. What
Speaker 2: people claim they want idealistically is not how things play
Speaker 2: out realistically, and so, but it doesn't change the fact
Speaker 2: that there will still be people who will have their
Speaker 2: perceptions of you based on certain behaviors.
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to go back to wholeness and hooker
Speaker 1: in and whatever moment. And this is what I want.
Speaker 1: This is what I want women to know. For me,
Speaker 1: it's not the actual physical act. It's the exchange of
Speaker 1: energy as a woman. Every time a man makes a
Speaker 1: deposit in you, he is stepping into your space, into
Speaker 1: your world. And I tell women all of the time,
Speaker 1: one of the reasons that you can't find a man
Speaker 1: today is because you've still got so many attached. You're
Speaker 1: still in the bed with the other two or three.
Speaker 1: Because as women, we are receptacles. We are receptacle energy,
Speaker 1: and so we receive that energy. And there's ways that
Speaker 1: we need to clean ourselves up in order to clean
Speaker 1: away our past. So it's not that she's doing all
Speaker 1: of this with all of these men. It's that he's
Speaker 1: making deposits in her energy that she doesn't know about,
Speaker 1: which brings me to my next topic, cheating or not
Speaker 1: being honest when you're in a relationship, because you and
Speaker 1: I are together, and you're over there with Katrina and
Speaker 1: Cafada and whoever else, and you bring that home to me,
Speaker 1: and so I'm in relationship now with her, and I
Speaker 1: didn't make that choice. That's my problem with it. So
Speaker 1: talk to me about cheating. Man.
Speaker 2: Cheating is such a delicate topic, but I do believe
Speaker 2: it's a very misunderstood issue. You know. I don't like
Speaker 2: the people who say, well, and let me make sure
Speaker 2: I clarify this. They'll say, it's never the fault of
Speaker 2: the person who got cheated on, right, It's always the cheater.
Speaker 2: It's always the cheating. So the minute someone cheats, it's
Speaker 2: on them. That's it and the story. And I think
Speaker 2: that's very dangerous to tell people this because some people
Speaker 2: are continuously being cheated on because they're not identifying certain
Speaker 2: negative patterns within themselves that lead down that path. One
Speaker 2: quick example was there was a man who reached out
Speaker 2: to me and he was swearing off Christian women, and
Speaker 2: I'm like, what's going on? And he said, he been
Speaker 2: cheated on twice before, and now this third woman who
Speaker 2: was his fiance cheated on him with his baby's mother's BOYFRIENDY.
Speaker 2: And so he's like, I'm done with these women. But
Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, if you got cheated on three
Speaker 2: times in a row in your last three relationships, there's
Speaker 2: something you're overlooking. We can't just say women are horrible.
Speaker 2: What's going on? So we dig deeper, and what it
Speaker 2: turned out was he was the type of guy that thought,
Speaker 2: if I pay the bills, my job is done. Old school, Oh,
Speaker 2: you don't need to do anything else. You should be happy.
Speaker 2: So these women were drawn to the financial security but
Speaker 2: were left void emotionally, and that just opens the door
Speaker 2: to people entertaining someone else. And so the same thing
Speaker 2: happens on the flip side, where you have some women
Speaker 2: who will lure a man in with how she initially
Speaker 2: acts sexually. Because I've heard so many stories, I said
Speaker 2: that I was so many couples and she knows she
Speaker 2: can't sustain that.
Speaker 1: It's my hand, put yourself down.
Speaker 2: And then it turns into a marriage that has all
Speaker 2: this sexual neglect. And then when he finally does cheat,
Speaker 2: if he does cheat, it's, oh, it's he's the problem.
Speaker 2: You can't do that because.
Speaker 1: I was neglectful. I was just tired by the time.
Speaker 2: You know what, and listen, sometimes there's understandable reasons. But
Speaker 2: I'll give another example. There was one time where a
Speaker 2: man he was married to a woman. They were already
Speaker 2: kind of rocky with the sex, but then she had
Speaker 2: some kind of issue. I think she had assist in
Speaker 2: her uterus. So the doctor said, Okay, for the next
Speaker 2: six months, there's gonna be no sex. The husband was like,
Speaker 2: all right, I'm a supporter. I understand, we're good, you know, and.
Speaker 1: There's a distinction. But I don't want you to stop
Speaker 1: your story. But I just want our listeners to know
Speaker 1: that there's a distinction between sex and intercourse. So for
Speaker 1: six months, there's no intercourse, but they could have still
Speaker 1: made love and done all manner of wonderfulness exactly. Don't
Speaker 1: ask me how I know these things.
Speaker 2: He was still, he was still very accommodating, very understanding.
Speaker 2: His mindset was, I'm gonna be a good husband. But
Speaker 2: once this is all, we're past this. We're gonna get
Speaker 2: back to being more intigivement and having more sexual intercourse.
Speaker 2: Six months past, she finishes her process, she's good. Not
Speaker 2: only is she now healed, the even tells her, it's
Speaker 2: actually a good idea that you start having sex right now.
Speaker 2: And what happened They still didn't have sex. Why that's
Speaker 2: the thing. The reality is that a lot of women
Speaker 2: are not being honest with men about one what they
Speaker 2: need to be sexually receptive to them to the fact
Speaker 2: that they get with men they're not sexually satisfied by.
Speaker 2: So you have this phenomena where the woman meets this
Speaker 2: great guy, she likes him, she feel like she can
Speaker 2: have a relationship with him, but the sex is not
Speaker 2: what it needs to be. But for her, it's like,
Speaker 2: I don't want to rock the boat and lose this man,
Speaker 2: so I'm gonna act like the sex is good. I'm
Speaker 2: gonna just roll with this. Or she's riding off the
Speaker 2: high from having the potential of finally getting married and
Speaker 2: having that long lasting relationship, and that high is enough
Speaker 2: to push her through these sexual moments and have her
Speaker 2: be excited. But once the goal is achieved and there
Speaker 2: is marriage, now the smoke is cleared and the reality
Speaker 2: is she never really liked it. I know, if one
Speaker 2: woman where she has several sexual partners, let's say she
Speaker 2: had seven. Six out of the seven it was very
Speaker 2: block but there's one out of the seven that it's amazing,
Speaker 2: and the way that she shows up sexually for him
Speaker 2: is night and day compared to the other six she experienced.
Speaker 2: All right, Okay, So part of that is because for
Speaker 2: a lot of women, the connection outside the bedroom will
Speaker 2: dictate the connection inside.
Speaker 1: The bedroom absolutely for all women.
Speaker 2: So I do think some women have gotten to a
Speaker 2: place of in being so in tune with themselves, in
Speaker 2: their body and other thing how to enjoy sex, that
Speaker 2: they can still handle that lack of connection better than
Speaker 2: the next woman can. Okay, all right, And so even
Speaker 2: speaking to that, part of the reason why a lot
Speaker 2: of women don't even enjoy sex, I believe is because
Speaker 2: there's so much in their head and they don't allow
Speaker 2: themselves to enjoy in that process, which is why we
Speaker 2: now have the issue of how the toxic man tends
Speaker 2: to be better in bed for a lot of women.
Speaker 1: And mercy sleeping with toxic But.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you, I believe that what's happening is
Speaker 2: so when a woman is truly emotionally invested into a
Speaker 2: man and more vulnerable, she is going to be more like,
Speaker 2: am I doing it right? What does he think of me?
Speaker 2: She's processing all these things. This is going to hinder
Speaker 2: her ability to enjoy the experience. When she's dating the
Speaker 2: toxic man that she knows is toxic, and she knows
Speaker 2: there's no real future with this man, she no longer
Speaker 2: cares her emotions aren't tied to it, so he's like
Speaker 2: a life sized dildo to her. She's going in strictly
Speaker 2: for enjoyment. So now it is not that he's that
Speaker 2: much better, it's that she unlocks the door to allow
Speaker 2: herself to enjoy it at a much higher level. And
Speaker 2: if she can transfer that kind of mindset to the
Speaker 2: man she loves, she would experience a much greater sexual
Speaker 2: experience with that man. A lot to it.
Speaker 1: This is the Our Spot and we are really talking
Speaker 1: about relationships, although we seem to be stuck on sex.
Speaker 1: So when we come back from this break, I promise
Speaker 1: you we are going to talk about relationships and sex.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Welcome back to the Our Spot.
Speaker 1: My guest today is Stefan, a certified relationship and dating coach,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how we fell into the whole
Speaker 1: talking about sex, but it's been twice. I know, holes
Speaker 1: and sex and toxic men, but here at the Our Spot,
Speaker 1: we want to talk about what's real and what's raw,
Speaker 1: and what it is that makes our relationships work and
Speaker 1: what it is that doesn't make them work. I want
Speaker 1: to go back to this topic for one second because
Speaker 1: on one of your podcasts you talked about a woman
Speaker 1: who was not sexually attracted to a man, but was
Speaker 1: with him because he paid the bills. And I want
Speaker 1: to talk about that for a moment, and not from
Speaker 1: her perspective, from his perspective. If he's is he paying
Speaker 1: for sex? I mean, really, he's paying for sex, and
Speaker 1: that's okay.
Speaker 2: For a lot of men, all they care about is
Speaker 2: the end result, which is which is getting the sex,
Speaker 2: which is her time and attention during that moment, and
Speaker 2: being able to have more authority, I guess in that situation,
Speaker 2: because he's just taking care of everything for some men.
Speaker 2: For some men there's a level of wanting that authority.
Speaker 2: And when I say authority, it's like, okay, in a
Speaker 2: casual situation or a situation he's paying for sex. What
Speaker 2: he likes about that is I don't have to invest
Speaker 2: emotionally in this, all right, And he gets to control, yeah,
Speaker 2: and he has actually more say so in what he desires,
Speaker 2: because if you're just establishing a loving relationship, there's more
Speaker 2: of a give and take there in a very transaction relationship.
Speaker 2: Is hey, I give you this in return for this.
Speaker 2: That's it in the story, and either you're with it
Speaker 2: or you're not. But in a romantic relationship he has
Speaker 2: to be more flexible and more considerate how she feels
Speaker 2: in that moment. If he's paying for it, he don't.
Speaker 1: Care because for me, that's just you know, a private
Speaker 1: enterprise prostitution, you know, And I guess that can work,
Speaker 1: because you know, I gave it away for love and
Speaker 1: didn't get the bills paid. I just wondering, maybe I.
Speaker 2: Don't know.
Speaker 1: It's just so you know, today we are just so
Speaker 1: depraved and everything and how we do everything. There's just
Speaker 1: such a level of baseness and depravity, and it really
Speaker 1: it hurts me for women because this is not going
Speaker 1: to be good because as we continue to bring children
Speaker 1: into it, and as an elder now I'm always everything
Speaker 1: I do, I'm wondering with the women behind me when
Speaker 1: they look at me, what do they see? You know.
Speaker 1: I can talk about all of it, and I've been
Speaker 1: through a lot of it, But what I want to
Speaker 1: demonstrate is something completely different and some of the things
Speaker 1: that I see men doing today and the behavior it's
Speaker 1: not good for those coming up underneath them. I want
Speaker 1: to ask you this question, where do men learn how
Speaker 1: to manage their emotions and develop an emotional vocabulary, because
Speaker 1: one of the things that I find with men is
Speaker 1: they do not have a very sophisticated emotional library, a vocabulary.
Speaker 1: It's either good, bad, right, wrong, fair, unfair, happy, sad,
Speaker 1: that's it. I mean. They don't know about anxiety. They
Speaker 1: don't know about frustration, they don't know about disappointment. Although
Speaker 1: they experience, they don't talk about it. Insecurity, inadequacy, because
Speaker 1: what I've learned is inadequacy is to kryptonite to man.
Speaker 1: If he feels he's inadequate in any way, he goes crazy.
Speaker 1: But where do men learn to manage and handle their emotions.
Speaker 2: I mean most men don't have anywhere. They don't in
Speaker 2: the natural flow of their life. They don't learn it
Speaker 2: from anywhere. I was just speaking to my barber earlier,
Speaker 2: and he was saying, how you know he struggled sometimes
Speaker 2: in relationship because he saw I think it was his
Speaker 2: father or a family member. Whenever that the baby's mother
Speaker 2: was upset, he just gave him money. Yes, okay, So
Speaker 2: to him, that's the answer. He doesn't understand. You need
Speaker 2: to communicate, you need to be able to express things,
Speaker 2: and that's just not a place he's been comfortable with
Speaker 2: so for a lot of it.
Speaker 1: Is it that he's not comfortable or is it that
Speaker 1: he doesn't know how, But rather than admit that he's
Speaker 1: inadequate in that area, he comes it up with dollarbility.
Speaker 2: I think it's both. I think it's it's he doesn't
Speaker 2: know how in one sense, but also not comfortable because
Speaker 2: he's never he hasn't been there, he hasn't lived in
Speaker 2: that place, and you don't know what's coming from that.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: One of the fears a lot of men have in
Speaker 2: opening up and being more expressive is the woman throwing
Speaker 2: it back in their face. And a lot of men
Speaker 2: have experienced that.
Speaker 1: I want you to I want you to say that
Speaker 1: again to all of you are spot women out there listening,
Speaker 1: say that again.
Speaker 2: A lot of men are afraid to open up because
Speaker 2: the fear of the women throwing it back in their face.
Speaker 1: And we're historians, and we'll go back and dig up
Speaker 1: something for fifty six. Well, when you said so and
Speaker 1: so and so so, ladies, you're hearing that, don't do that.
Speaker 1: And we do it to our sons also, hell y'all
Speaker 1: do it to each other. A lot of women to
Speaker 1: bring that in.
Speaker 2: A lot of women will not. I always laugh when
Speaker 2: some women swear they know everything about their friend, and
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, there's things you don't know because she knows.
Speaker 2: If she tells you and y'all ever have a fallen out,
Speaker 2: you will use it against her. So she will go
Speaker 2: to the grave with some of this information. She'll be
Speaker 2: quicker to tell a guy friend than she will have.
Speaker 1: It's true that you know. I want you all to
Speaker 1: hear this is a man speaking to us about how
Speaker 1: we be, how we be with each other. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: men don't learn how to process even identify emotions.
Speaker 2: I mean the way that they learn. Those who do
Speaker 2: learn are those who go on that discovery, that path
Speaker 2: of trying to understand, trying to grow. Also, those who
Speaker 2: may be in certain environments are forced to learn, so
Speaker 2: to speak. But you know, the everyday man, if he's
Speaker 2: not making that intentional choice to go learn, where is
Speaker 2: he really going to get it from?
Speaker 1: Well, so I want to I want to support us
Speaker 1: and women and also push us women to say that
Speaker 1: it's it is. I think it is incumbent upon us
Speaker 1: as women to begin to raise our sons and in
Speaker 1: my case, grandsons and great grandsons with a level of
Speaker 1: emotional sensitivity and awareness and vocabulary. Because we're raising other
Speaker 1: people's fathers and husbands, I think it's incumbent upon us
Speaker 1: to make the space for our sons, grandsons, brothers, fathers.
Speaker 1: Because every man is raised by a woman or not
Speaker 1: raised by a woman, and it's going to impact how
Speaker 1: he is in relationships. So I think it's incumbent upon us.
Speaker 2: So what.
Speaker 1: Because men aren't very often emotionally closed or guarded when
Speaker 1: an emotional man shows up, how do we handle it?
Speaker 1: As women? How do we men crying? And all of
Speaker 1: you know, because of what I do, that doesn't bother me.
Speaker 1: But most women see a man cry or get into
Speaker 1: his feelings, as you would say, they don't know what
Speaker 1: to do with that. What do you do with that? Well?
Speaker 2: Think all the man needs you to be is consoled.
Speaker 2: It's the same way if you had a son, what
Speaker 2: would you do. You'd rub his bag. You're gonna tell
Speaker 2: me it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1: No, we tell him stop that crying. Boys don't cry.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So that's what you shouldn't be doing. And the
Speaker 2: thing is this, though, I will say this to the
Speaker 2: whole boys don't cry issue. We have to learn to, yes,
Speaker 2: encourage our boys to be expressive, but we should not.
Speaker 2: But we have to teach them not to be emotionally unstable,
Speaker 2: right and not to be You did a.
Speaker 1: Video on that man, an emotionally unstable man, exactly.
Speaker 2: And so the example I give is that if a
Speaker 2: child comes to you and they're all whining, crying and
Speaker 2: they're frantic, you still want them to calm down and
Speaker 2: use their words and express themselves, but you just don't say, okay,
Speaker 2: just keep crying and keep being frantic. So I think
Speaker 2: some people have taken it to the wrong end of
Speaker 2: the spectrum and say, yes, let these boys just be
Speaker 2: all emotional all over the place, and it's like no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2: They still have to learn how to reel it in.
Speaker 2: But then yes, express themselves properly. And so when that
Speaker 2: man comes to you crying and being emotional, yes, I
Speaker 2: think it's about being that soft place for him right there,
Speaker 2: being that peace, being that encourager speaking life into him
Speaker 2: in that moment. That's what he needs. But I also
Speaker 2: do tell men that understand, like I believe, the issue
Speaker 2: is less about the man crying to the woman and
Speaker 2: a lot of times. What he's crying about?
Speaker 1: All right, okay, and and tell me more about that too.
Speaker 2: So I give you an example. I have a friend
Speaker 2: and he was like, he he knows his woman who
Speaker 2: left his left her guy after she lost after he
Speaker 2: lost her his job. I said, that's all that happened?
Speaker 2: You sure like she does up and left the minute
Speaker 2: after he lost his job.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I was like, no, there's got to be something else
Speaker 2: to this. He said, well, okay, technically she did tell
Speaker 2: me that. It was a month or two after he
Speaker 2: lost his job, and every day since he lost his job,
Speaker 2: he was moping, he was whining, he was dwelling in negativity.
Speaker 2: I said, that's why she left. You can't. It's one
Speaker 2: thing to have a moment of vulnerability. It's another thing
Speaker 2: to live in that. And I think, what a lot
Speaker 2: of men don't realize a lot of people don't realize.
Speaker 2: A lot of men aren't as masculine as they think
Speaker 2: and want to believe they are. They have not evolved
Speaker 2: and developed the way that they think they have.
Speaker 1: Well, what does that mean they're not as masculine as
Speaker 1: they think they are. What does that mean they.
Speaker 2: Are not as poised and being able to manage their emotions.
Speaker 2: They are not as strong in the sense of being
Speaker 2: able to face adversity and find ways to overcome it
Speaker 2: all right. They crumble in the face of it. And
Speaker 2: for a woman, she does not want a man who's
Speaker 2: gonna crumble anytime something goes wrong. She wants a man
Speaker 2: that she can feel like, that's my rock. He's gonna fight,
Speaker 2: and he's gonna make sure we're good. At least he's
Speaker 2: gonna fight to make sure we're good. Even if he
Speaker 2: can't fully succeed, he's gonna put his best foot forward.
Speaker 2: A lot of men aren't as tough as they proclaim
Speaker 2: or try to give off to the world. So what
Speaker 2: happens is when he finally has that moment that quote
Speaker 2: unquote breaks him, his true self starts to show that
Speaker 2: weaker self that never developed, and she starts to realize,
Speaker 2: wait a minute, this ain't the guy thought he was
Speaker 2: all right. So now to the world, is she left
Speaker 2: him because that thing happened? But in many cases, no,
Speaker 2: it's because who he's now showing himself to be she
Speaker 2: can't stomach and deal with. Oh, she doesn't know, yes,
Speaker 2: And so look at it this way. Let's flip it.
Speaker 2: It's almost like if a man got with a woman
Speaker 2: because initially she was being all sweet and feminine in
Speaker 2: all these things, and then something happens where she just
Speaker 2: turns negative. Right now, if she just has a negative moment,
Speaker 2: he's gonna be willing to look past that. But what
Speaker 2: happens if she now lives in that negativity and it
Speaker 2: carries on for months and months, There's gonna be a
Speaker 2: lot of men that say, I don't want this anymore. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know. Now, some will struggle to walk away. Then
Speaker 2: that's for other reasons, but people don't realize what's going
Speaker 2: on behind closed doors is a lot deeper than what
Speaker 2: we're seeing on the surface. And so going back to
Speaker 2: the whole men opening up and being vulnerable. I do
Speaker 2: think that men have to learn what I tell men
Speaker 2: on because I have a channel for men as well.
Speaker 2: I tell them being vulnerable will help you expose what
Speaker 2: kind of women you're dealing with.
Speaker 1: Okay, right now, you know, in defense of my women, sisters,
Speaker 1: my sister women, my sister women, I have to say,
Speaker 1: some of us don't know how to process our emotions
Speaker 1: because we were talked out of them, beaten out of them,
Speaker 1: frightened out of them. So we don't even know what
Speaker 1: we're looking at. Because for me, a man in his
Speaker 1: and that's me, I'm old, So pay me no mind.
Speaker 1: A man in his heart and feelings if he can
Speaker 1: articulate it, which is usually where the problem comes. They
Speaker 1: don't have a language for it. They don't know how
Speaker 1: to articulate it. That doesn't frighten me as much as
Speaker 1: one who's who says he has no fear, because that's
Speaker 1: the boy that's gonna slit your throat when you sleep,
Speaker 1: and I'll punch you in your eye one day. I'm
Speaker 1: scared of him. One who can't articulate it, I'll struggle
Speaker 1: with you. Let's find a word. But so many women
Speaker 1: are out of their emotional self also, until what else
Speaker 1: gonna do? I just it's just talking about this is
Speaker 1: depressingly well.
Speaker 2: This highlights, This highlights the real issue. The real issue
Speaker 2: is people lack healings.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, lait a minute. I would stop right
Speaker 1: there because I'm gonna I want you to come back,
Speaker 1: and that's where we're gonna start. If you've been listening,
Speaker 1: I've been with stefan certified relationship and dating coach, and
Speaker 1: we've been talking about the intricacies, the ins and outs
Speaker 1: of our relationships. Stefan and I will be back next week,
Speaker 1: so we'll see you then. In the meantime, stay in
Speaker 1: peace and not in peace. The R Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.