Speaker 1: Hello, is this Caesar? Yeah, Caesar, you texted me and
Speaker 1: you said you wanted to talk about the topic of
Speaker 1: love in the strip club.
Speaker 2: Gone right, yep, yep, I remember sending that tax Yeah
Speaker 2: it was. It was crazy, crazy night and I don't
Speaker 2: know how I did.
Speaker 1: It, but yeah, what was What was your night?
Speaker 2: Let's see kind of started with the whole thing with
Speaker 2: the strip club was buddy mine. He told me he's
Speaker 2: never gone to the strip club. This was around I
Speaker 2: think Christmas Eve or day after Christmas. I'm like, all right,
Speaker 2: I got you, let's let's go. It was off work
Speaker 2: to the first time ever taking him to the strip club.
Speaker 2: I was kind of feeling under the weather. It wasn't
Speaker 2: really feeling it, but I mean wanted him to experience
Speaker 2: strip club the first time. So I took him out.
Speaker 2: He did his thing, and which just went back home.
Speaker 2: Come the weekend after Christmas, I was feeling much better.
Speaker 2: I wasn't sick anymore or anything. I was like, all right,
Speaker 2: I couldn't enjoyed myself the other day, I want to
Speaker 2: go out have fun by myself. I'm gonna try again.
Speaker 2: Went to the strip club, chilling there by myself and
Speaker 2: strip club being. I mean the I know they don't
Speaker 2: like being called strippers, but the entertainers, stancers. They there's
Speaker 2: not much of an imagination. They don't leave much to
Speaker 2: that day imagination. You get to see, you get to
Speaker 2: see pretty good things.
Speaker 1: Sure that's I think that's the point.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just I get there, sit at
Speaker 2: the table. I get a waitress come up to me.
Speaker 2: They're fully dress, just working as well in the strip club.
Speaker 2: Comes up to me. I'm still sober her being so
Speaker 2: even right now. She came up to me, asked her
Speaker 2: what I wanted to drink, and I saw how beautiful
Speaker 2: she was, and like, just like right now, I'm fucking
Speaker 2: up with my words. She had me speechless. They didn't
Speaker 2: know what to say. Whatever. She was like, okay, I
Speaker 2: got you. She she understood that. She even laughed and
Speaker 2: chuckled that I couldn't get my words out. She brought
Speaker 2: me a drink. She actually brought me her favorite drink,
Speaker 2: and throughout the night she was my waitress and kept
Speaker 2: bringing me more and more drinks, more and more drinks
Speaker 2: in my system. Have a bit more confident that liquid
Speaker 2: courage and I had the brightest idea and the dumbest
Speaker 2: idea to ask her if I could get a lap
Speaker 2: dance from her instead of a stripper that wanted from her,
Speaker 2: because she was beautiful to me somehow. Do you agree
Speaker 2: I thought I was about to get kicked out or something.
Speaker 2: She agreed. I'm not expecting to see anything more than
Speaker 2: just just a regular lap dance, her fully dressed or whatever,
Speaker 2: because I find her very attractive. What I got to
Speaker 2: see more than than what I was from what I thought.
Speaker 2: So and now so many private room getting the lap
Speaker 2: dance or whatever. But you think there be a leapt dance. No,
Speaker 2: it wasn't even a left dance. I was just she
Speaker 2: tried to do the dance. But I was just there
Speaker 2: talking to her, just pouring myself out to her, just
Speaker 2: telling her how beautiful she was and everything. And if
Speaker 2: if it was through a different situation, a different circumstance,
Speaker 2: I like to get to know her and everything else,
Speaker 2: just I myself.
Speaker 1: So okay, so you guys are back in the private
Speaker 1: room and there's no lap dancer, just you're just sitting
Speaker 1: there and talking with each other. You're pouring yourself out
Speaker 1: to her emotionally, and you say, if this was another situation, yeah, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: she said, what did she say?
Speaker 2: So, I mean, yeah, it did start as a left dance,
Speaker 2: but conversations kept going. But yeah, I mean, strippers have
Speaker 2: stage names, waitress have their real names. And in the
Speaker 2: beginning she gave me a real name, and we actually
Speaker 2: she wanted to exchange socials and contact information, and I'm like, okay, cool,
Speaker 2: maybe an actual shop here. But I mean at the time,
Speaker 2: I'm just drunk, happy on winter, not really thinking. I
Speaker 2: just kept going with the flow, had a good time
Speaker 2: within her talking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so was this recent?
Speaker 2: This was let's see, the weekend after Christmas?
Speaker 1: Okay, So have you guys, I mean you said the
Speaker 1: topic of this was love and the strip club gone rights?
Speaker 1: Has this continued to go?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Have you been in contact with her? Has there what's
Speaker 1: the situation been or was it all the matrix?
Speaker 2: So once strip club over here, I'm not sure in
Speaker 2: other places. Strip club over here closes at two, and
Speaker 2: there's only one other place in the city that is
Speaker 2: open a little after hours nightclub. I go over there
Speaker 2: and just I kept partying. I'm me and her, We're
Speaker 2: messaging back and forth. I invite her out, and she agreed.
Speaker 2: She wanted to come out and everything. Then what's it called?
Speaker 2: She got stuck because they are also the keen up
Speaker 2: crew at the strip club. Okay, she couldn't come out
Speaker 2: that night, no problem. Next morning. Next morning, I realized
Speaker 2: what I've done. I'm apologizing. I'm so embarrassed and everything.
Speaker 1: Why are you? Why are you embarrassed? Why are you?
Speaker 1: What's the matter?
Speaker 2: Because now I'm sober and I'm realizing that somewhat remembering
Speaker 2: what happened last night, I poured myself out to this
Speaker 2: chick that I didn't even know that well. And I
Speaker 2: embarrassed myself. I'm telling all types of things and everything,
Speaker 2: and like, I mean, everything that I said was truthful,
Speaker 2: but I embarrassed myself. I was just, I guess what's
Speaker 2: it called, very lost for words, and her beauty just
Speaker 2: brought it all out. And then I was drunk.
Speaker 1: Were you were you telling her like were you just
Speaker 1: like kind of like emotionally pouring out to her about
Speaker 1: her or were you kind of like talking about like
Speaker 1: your life and whatnot?
Speaker 2: Oh no, not my life? A butt her like that.
Speaker 2: I wanted to be with her, said her, to know
Speaker 2: her more, like just I told her a lot of
Speaker 2: things about her or me wanting to know her. And
Speaker 2: I just met her that night, and mind you, she's
Speaker 2: showing me a lot of things city all of that
Speaker 2: very first night.
Speaker 1: I have to well, I have to ask. I have
Speaker 1: to ask. So even though she wasn't a I guess
Speaker 1: a stripper, were did you did you did you tip?
Speaker 1: Did you tip her in the way that you would
Speaker 1: have a stripper giving you a lap dance?
Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah, because I mean at the time, it's still
Speaker 2: just I wasn't expecting exchangeing contact information. I'm still paying
Speaker 2: for a dance.
Speaker 1: Okay, so very in you. You message her and you're
Speaker 1: apologizing for all this stuff, and then what does she say.
Speaker 2: She actually wanted to hang out anymore? Really? Yeah? And
Speaker 2: we kept talking here and there. She helped me do
Speaker 2: run some errands. I needed help. I needed an extra
Speaker 2: driver to pick up a vehicle. She offered to help
Speaker 2: me out.
Speaker 1: Really, but yeah, you guys are hanging out and she's
Speaker 1: running errands with you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she sent me her actual address, picked her up,
Speaker 2: run the errands, I took her back home. I'm thinking
Speaker 2: I'm just taking her background dropping her off. That's it
Speaker 2: real quick. Now. Where we sat in front of her place,
Speaker 2: maybe over two to three hours, just talking in the vehicle.
Speaker 2: And come New Year's you had New Year's Eve, New
Speaker 2: Year's Day, I mean, everyone's out partying and everything. She
Speaker 2: had to work. Marchington the problem. I'm out partying with
Speaker 2: a few of my buddies, and she actually had time
Speaker 2: to meet me at the after hours nightclub. So we're
Speaker 2: over there and me and her hanging out. She's meeting
Speaker 2: my buddies and everything. I mean, she was at work.
Speaker 2: I was with my guy friends new Year's with New
Speaker 2: Year's ball drop or whatever. Like people usually kiss New
Speaker 2: Year's as soon as it happens. I was my buddies.
Speaker 2: I'm not kissing none of them. She was at work.
Speaker 2: I don't know if she was kissing on anyone or not,
Speaker 2: maybe one of her girlfriends or something at work coworkers.
Speaker 2: But once we were met up later that night, it's
Speaker 2: New Year's Day now, maybe like four o'clock in the morning,
Speaker 2: we're still at this club, and I had actually when
Speaker 2: she got there, like, so, what you got your New
Speaker 2: Year's kiss? Shit, I'm like no, She asked me if
Speaker 2: I got mine. I'm like no, I didn't do anything.
Speaker 2: But she went for it. She she engaged it and
Speaker 2: everything like all right, cool, little late to a kiss,
Speaker 2: but kept going.
Speaker 1: All right, okay, it sounds like, you know, it sounds
Speaker 1: like it sounds nice. It sounds nice so far. So
Speaker 1: this was New Year's Day, that was about twelve days ago.
Speaker 1: How has how has this evolved or not since then?
Speaker 2: So kinda in the same city, but with my job,
Speaker 2: I'm kind of on the road countryside, city side as well,
Speaker 2: working on the river. I mean, she's also going to school,
Speaker 2: still working two jobs and things like that. So first
Speaker 2: week and second week of January, it's kind of like
Speaker 2: message here there. We're both basically we're both adults and stuff.
Speaker 2: We got things going on, call each other hand there,
Speaker 2: try to out whenever we can to see when our
Speaker 2: schedule is line up. But we both know we're business.
Speaker 2: We're not we're not trying to Uh, she's not all
Speaker 2: in my business. I'm not all of her business. If
Speaker 2: if we may want this to work out, we're gonna try.
Speaker 2: But it was a good start to the New Year's
Speaker 2: If if this doesn't go anywhere, I have a good
Speaker 2: memory of how my New year started.
Speaker 1: That's nice, man, that's nice. What's your name?
Speaker 2: Your name.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you gave me your name. Hold on, let me
Speaker 1: look at it against Caesar. Mm hmmm, that's a nice story. Caesar.
Speaker 1: What's your your I'm curious about you. What's your Uh?
Speaker 1: How'd you find this podcast? How do you find me?
Speaker 1: I'm just curious. I'm curious.
Speaker 2: I don't know if it was usually going not, so
Speaker 2: what's it going? I think I was following at one point,
Speaker 2: on and off, on and off, But I've always seen
Speaker 2: the phone calls, the reals kept coming up and everything.
Speaker 2: Some of them I like funny and everything. But then
Speaker 2: I don't know. Sometimes I just be cleaning out my
Speaker 2: uh my followings and everything. But I can honestly say
Speaker 2: I've unfollowed I think a few times, and followed back
Speaker 2: on and off. So some people do it and everything.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I like your content, content and everything. I've
Speaker 2: never heard of someone you were out of country as well.
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, well I've never heard. That's interesting to me.
Speaker 1: I've never heard of somebody like I get like unfollowing someone,
Speaker 1: but I've never heard of unfollow and follow back, and
Speaker 1: then I like that the back and forth is a new.
Speaker 2: Not not rapidly like at the same minute.
Speaker 1: I know not pressing the button rapidly. But I know
Speaker 1: what you're being No.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, at one point I'm like, Okay, I'm liking
Speaker 2: the content. I'm watching all the videos and everything. I
Speaker 2: like it. And later on just I don't know, a
Speaker 2: wave of different emotions or some shit I just cleaned
Speaker 2: out all of my followings or whatever, like, oh, let
Speaker 2: me just refresh my feed get a different feel of things.
Speaker 2: Then later on, oh I like your content, I start
Speaker 2: following again, and they just be back and forth.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so you're on the So your job takes
Speaker 1: you on the road.
Speaker 2: Yeah, whenever they call wherever it is that they need me,
Speaker 2: I gotta go.
Speaker 1: What is the job?
Speaker 2: A mechanic for boats?
Speaker 3: Cool?
Speaker 2: Wherever? Wherever our company boat is that there's multiple boats.
Speaker 2: But wherever they're at and something's messed up to I
Speaker 2: have to go fix it.
Speaker 1: So I got some questions. So you really poured yourself
Speaker 1: out to this waitress lady. How's your love life? How's
Speaker 1: your love life been in the past? You strike me
Speaker 1: as an emotionally vulnerable man who you know, takes chances
Speaker 1: when it goes to what's what's your love life been like?
Speaker 2: So let's see back in high school high school days now,
Speaker 2: I was an actual lover boy and everything, try to
Speaker 2: do everything to please whoever I was with. But I'm
Speaker 2: sure people some people may relate, some people may not.
Speaker 2: But when when when you actually care for someone and
Speaker 2: that someone that you're with at the time treats you
Speaker 2: very badly or does you very dirty, or like you
Speaker 2: find out the hard way that you actually don't mean
Speaker 2: shit to them or whatever, It's like that changes or
Speaker 2: kind of hurts you very bad where you tell yourself
Speaker 2: You're never going to be this vulnerable again. So I
Speaker 2: became kind of an asshole for a very very long time.
Speaker 2: But anyone, anyone that i'd be interested in, like, I
Speaker 2: try a little bit, but I would hold back. I
Speaker 2: wouldn't be as open as I was with this girl.
Speaker 2: And I said I was never going to be that
Speaker 2: vunerable ever again. But I guess it was just me
Speaker 2: being very drunk and seeing how beautiful, beautiful she was.
Speaker 2: It's just all of that came out.
Speaker 1: Do you feel like over the years people have been
Speaker 1: have like taken advantage of your emotional vulnerability?
Speaker 2: When when I start to open up a little more
Speaker 2: to whoever I'm with, Uh, like Yeah, they see they
Speaker 2: take advantage of how nice I be, or like I
Speaker 2: try to offer her. I try to offer help. I
Speaker 2: think a long time ago an ex of mine, like
Speaker 2: an actual I considered this one an actual ex because
Speaker 2: we never hate each other nothing. We only split up
Speaker 2: because of work. Work wise, we'd never have time for
Speaker 2: each other. And later on we talked here and there,
Speaker 2: and I actually offered her to move in with me.
Speaker 2: Went free. She doesn't have to worry about paying any
Speaker 2: bills or nothing like that. She can continue working if
Speaker 2: she wants. I can take care of her, and she
Speaker 2: can go back to school. I offered that to her.
Speaker 2: We were in the we were in the moment of
Speaker 2: actually trying to move her into my place, but with
Speaker 2: the person or situation she was in the with someone else,
Speaker 2: it backfiredled her very badly. Now to this day, she's
Speaker 2: actually still with the person and in a very bad space.
Speaker 2: She what's it called? She agreed in the beginning we
Speaker 2: were actually moving the stuff in and backed out last minute,
Speaker 2: and now she's suffering for it and no one, no
Speaker 2: one ever will ever get that offer from me ever. Again.
Speaker 1: Interesting, Okay, so how did it make you feel? She's
Speaker 1: like moving her stuff in and then she's like, you
Speaker 1: know what, no, never mind?
Speaker 2: Well I told her because she said, like, we passed
Speaker 2: up the street from my place, and I called her
Speaker 2: and told her, what's going on? Why did we pass
Speaker 2: it up? Like? Oh, but the person she the situation
Speaker 2: she was with at the target, like, oh, he wants
Speaker 2: to talk in person, he wants to explain himself such
Speaker 2: and such and everything, like I was kind of aggravated
Speaker 2: about it and whatever. I can't do anything about it.
Speaker 2: She wants to go talk to him. Impression, okay, I
Speaker 2: told her. I told her it's either today, we do
Speaker 2: this now, or you'd never see me again. So she
Speaker 2: went to go talk to him, trying to see what
Speaker 2: was going to happen. She told me to just go
Speaker 2: meet her meet up at her grandma's place. I'm at
Speaker 2: her grandma's place. We're waiting on her. As soon as
Speaker 2: she pulls up, she says, oh, he wants to try
Speaker 2: again and everything. I didn't even let her finish. I
Speaker 2: just I loaded her case from the vehicle and I left.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm, yeah, was.
Speaker 1: That the last before this waitress warming? Was that the
Speaker 1: last sort of romantic situation you were in?
Speaker 2: Huh? Oh yeah, I think so. I mean, I mean
Speaker 2: there's another other uh what's it called people around that.
Speaker 2: I've been with some things, but it's never never been
Speaker 2: anything deep or emotional. That's just a pastime.
Speaker 1: Mm hm m m. Do you feel like you will
Speaker 1: be able to because that's rough someone being like all right,
Speaker 1: I'm ready to move in with you and then be like,
Speaker 1: actually I want to try to go with my ex
Speaker 1: and there's ship is you know halfway in? That's rough.
Speaker 1: Do you believe, Caesar, that you will ever be able
Speaker 1: to open your heart again?
Speaker 2: I mean I won't and all the uh what's it
Speaker 2: called people have been with, it's it's me pursuing them
Speaker 2: or trying to get to know them. And I feel
Speaker 2: like if I stop trying, it would just come to
Speaker 2: me if someone actually wants to get to know me,
Speaker 2: and if I see they show effort, yeah, I'll open
Speaker 2: up to that person.
Speaker 1: That That's what everyone always says. That's what everyone always says,
Speaker 1: is like you uh uh, you know what's the people
Speaker 1: say like the minute you stop looking is when it happens.
Speaker 1: And I would I would amend that a little bit
Speaker 1: because you have to put yourself out there and you
Speaker 1: have to take chances in order to meet new people
Speaker 1: and whatnot. But I think what they I think what
Speaker 1: they mean by that is, like, you know, you can
Speaker 1: kind of tell, you can kind of tell when somebody
Speaker 1: wants to put effort towards you when they don't.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, let's say so, I usually try to enjoy
Speaker 2: my myself going up alone sometimes here and there. Like
Speaker 2: I may go to a bar. I would drink myself
Speaker 2: just I'll look around, see what's going on or whatever.
Speaker 2: But I'll sure you can't really findly love at a bar.
Speaker 2: People in there may not be happy or for someone
Speaker 2: to go into a bar is a reason that they're there,
Speaker 2: h it's not isn't a good thing or a bad thing. Yeah,
Speaker 2: But I may go to a nice fat have dinner
Speaker 2: by myself or something, look around, talk to a waitress
Speaker 2: here in there, see how they're day did if they
Speaker 2: continue with the conversation and be friendly or whatever, like
Speaker 2: just actually have an actual conversation, not hit on anyone,
Speaker 2: see where it goes, and so and so whoever you
Speaker 2: speak with at the time, and like and the actual
Speaker 2: conversation and they continue more conversation, more conversation, exchange, contact, inspiration, like,
Speaker 2: don't I wouldn't expect them to be sitting them sending
Speaker 2: me good mornings or updates on things or whatever. Just
Speaker 2: like they'll call here and they like, hey, yeah.
Speaker 1: You can tell. Yeah, you can tell the way that
Speaker 1: somebody's texting you or carery communicating with you, whether or
Speaker 1: not they want to be yeah, yeah, and yeah, and
Speaker 1: just try. I think you were getting on the ID
Speaker 1: subject and it's just like, yeah, not trying not to
Speaker 1: like force ship you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, mm hmm, Caesar, what happens I out of time?
Speaker 1: No, you're not, There's there is no there's no concept
Speaker 1: of being out of time. I mean there's death that's
Speaker 1: being out of time, neither dead. Are you still in
Speaker 1: a car outside of your house?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Oh I forgot. We don't.
Speaker 2: We can.
Speaker 1: We can leave this in, but for context we Caesar
Speaker 1: and I had this conversation for like the first two
Speaker 1: minutes of it, and then I realized I was a recording,
Speaker 1: So I asked him if we could redo the first
Speaker 1: two minutes of this conversation, and I can.
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'll mention that, but ninety nine percent of the
Speaker 1: conversation was what you guys heard. But I realized in
Speaker 1: that one percent is where the information that you were
Speaker 1: even or no, no, we're not alive. We're just I
Speaker 1: just I I I just put I put the phone
Speaker 1: number on Instagram and I just started recording. But it Uh,
Speaker 1: I forgot that the information that you are parked outside
Speaker 1: of your house was in that bit that was lost.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna I'll go. I'll let you get back
Speaker 1: into your house. Caesar. I appreciate you sharing your story
Speaker 1: with us, and I think you're gonna have something tells me, Caesar, something,
Speaker 1: something tells me that you're a You're a You're a
Speaker 1: sweet guy, and love will find its way to you.
Speaker 1: Something tells me that I'm not just blowing smoke up
Speaker 1: your deck.
Speaker 2: What's it called? So? Uh you saw a message, correct,
Speaker 2: the one that I said?
Speaker 1: Of course, yeah, of course that's what I called.
Speaker 2: You said, this is this isn't live? Correct? Uh No, Okay, Now,
Speaker 2: if you want to post clips or sorts of it
Speaker 2: or whatever, I'm cool with it and everything. If you
Speaker 2: could kind of lead my name out, that's things.
Speaker 1: Oh sure, wait is your name? Is your real name? Caesar?
Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah, I should have used the fake name.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, Well, we can do that, Brandon. Let's
Speaker 1: let's put.
Speaker 2: Uh you know, you know never mind.
Speaker 1: Yeah, really, yeah, serious, you want to put out there?
Speaker 2: Put it out there? Because I was about to say, like,
Speaker 2: so that girl from Strict Club, that's one, and there's
Speaker 2: kind of a few others that I'm not trying to
Speaker 2: pursue but are kind of in conversations right now. So yeah,
Speaker 2: whichever is in the least, it's the one I spend
Speaker 2: more time.
Speaker 1: Okay, I see what I see what you mean? I
Speaker 1: a bit you're are you are you worried that this
Speaker 1: podcast will will be found by one of them an influence?
Speaker 2: No? No, I mean I like your content. I mean
Speaker 2: I did tell you sometimes I don't follow what I follow,
Speaker 2: but I like your content. Like it's weird, it's funny,
Speaker 2: and it's a guy and a great in a get
Speaker 2: Go suit. I like it. To me. I don't think
Speaker 2: that would ever come on to their feeds. Hopefully, hopefully
Speaker 2: it does, like I want you to get more most
Speaker 2: people to come through, but highly doubt it may come
Speaker 2: across their feed You're.
Speaker 1: Telling me that you don't believe that in general, beautiful
Speaker 1: women have therapy. Gecko come across on the Instagram feed
Speaker 1: for sure.
Speaker 2: For sure, I'm sure you get get callers and beautiful
Speaker 2: women coming through, like, uh, what's it called from the
Speaker 2: two that are kind of in conversation with right now. Uh,
Speaker 2: I don't know, maybe maybe it might come across. It's
Speaker 2: just two two people, righture.
Speaker 1: But okay, yeah, all right, I'm gonna this is all right,
Speaker 1: this is I'm gonna take this as your final answer
Speaker 1: that we can keep the name Caesar.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, and I'll possibly just just burn myself and
Speaker 2: ruin all chances.
Speaker 1: But you don't have to burn I can I tell
Speaker 1: you something and listen, I listen sees you don't have
Speaker 1: to burn yourself genuinely. I mean, I'm sure I think
Speaker 1: you my my my view of you from the half
Speaker 1: hour that I've been talking to you is a positive view.
Speaker 1: So I don't think that this would negatively. It seems
Speaker 1: to me that women and this is, by the way,
Speaker 1: this is like a dude. I read a book about
Speaker 1: this when I was like twenty. It's called Models by
Speaker 1: this guy, Mark Manson. But actually, I think certain certain
Speaker 1: kinds of women are really attracted to, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: a guy who's who's emotionally vulnerable and honest about his
Speaker 1: feelings and whatnot. And so I think I think that
Speaker 1: the waitress at the strip club that night, you know,
Speaker 1: the thing that I guess you found embarrassing, I say,
Speaker 1: it seems as though that actually, like the authenticity of
Speaker 1: that perhaps drew her in, you know, and you strike
Speaker 1: me as an authentic guy, So I wouldn't look at
Speaker 1: any of this is anything to be embarrassed from my perspective.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I get it. But like she is the
Speaker 2: only one that I kind of that kind of really
Speaker 2: knows me, somewhat knows me. But part of me, yeah,
Speaker 2: there's another part of me, Like you said, you see
Speaker 2: me as a nice, genuine person. That that's your point
Speaker 2: of view of me, correct, h h. But other side
Speaker 2: of me, I'm actually kind of still an asshole.
Speaker 1: That's okay, I don't but love it. But I'm going
Speaker 1: to refute this real quick because I don't think that
Speaker 1: the part of you that's kind of an asshole necessarily
Speaker 1: negates or refutes the part of you that I am
Speaker 1: perceiving right now. I think that those two parts of
Speaker 1: your existence, uh, can coexist as you are a dynamic,
Speaker 1: multifaceted human being.
Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes I'm probably long, but I feel
Speaker 2: like sometimes that autistic because you kind of lost me
Speaker 2: there a little bit.
Speaker 1: Oh, I love.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: I feel like if you're artistic, if if you are autistic,
Speaker 1: would have been locked in.
Speaker 2: Sometimes. But like, uh, I'm good with words, but sometimes
Speaker 2: I also fucking my words as well, and also with
Speaker 2: the chicks, I'm lost for words as well.
Speaker 1: So I get you.
Speaker 4: Man.
Speaker 2: Yeah, today, he's also kind of been a long day.
Speaker 1: See, it's been nice talking you, Suess. I'm gonna let
Speaker 1: you get back into your house. Anything. Is there anything
Speaker 1: else you want to say to the people of the
Speaker 1: computer before we go?
Speaker 2: Mm hmm. I hope everyone finds love, true love and
Speaker 2: not get taken advantage of.
Speaker 1: Thank you, brother.
Speaker 2: Don't be like me. Don't don't be like me, be
Speaker 2: an actual good person.
Speaker 1: You're doing great man.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this year I said I want to change, I
Speaker 2: want to be better, so.
Speaker 1: More take care of Thanks for sharing, man, I appreciate you.
Speaker 2: Nice talking man you Caesar.
Speaker 1: That was Caesar. That was really that was interesting. I
Speaker 1: want to an update from Caesar. I really do like
Speaker 1: of all the like callers that I would want updates
Speaker 1: from that I can think of in my head. Caesar
Speaker 1: is one. Caesar doesn't strike me as someone who listens
Speaker 1: to the podcast. I think he just follows me on Instagram.
Speaker 1: But if he does happen to listen back to this,
Speaker 1: give me an update, Caesar. Caesar, I want to hear
Speaker 1: from you. I a lot of people I'm like, don't
Speaker 1: call me back for another year. I want an update
Speaker 1: from Caesar. I would be very happy to hear from
Speaker 1: Caesar again. Call me back and call me back in
Speaker 1: a month, Caesar. I want to hear how your love
Speaker 1: life's going. I'm invested in.
Speaker 2: This all from Jude.
Speaker 4: Hello, Hey, Hi is this Lyle?
Speaker 2: Yes? Hi?
Speaker 1: Who's this?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 3: Hi?
Speaker 4: This is uh Jude.
Speaker 1: What's going on, Jude? How's life?
Speaker 4: I think it's going well so far.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I mean a lot's been happening in the last few
Speaker 4: months for me. But all things considered, could be could
Speaker 4: be worse. I guess that's something to say, But I
Speaker 4: think it's going just fine.
Speaker 1: You know, was there any particular reason why you wanted
Speaker 1: to call me today?
Speaker 4: Honestly, I just saw you were online and I figured
Speaker 4: I I have tried calling you before on like other
Speaker 4: fronts that I've kind of already had, I guess sort
Speaker 4: of like topics in mind for but I just didn't
Speaker 4: think you were gonna pick up. So I was like, whatever,
Speaker 4: I'll give a call and shit. So you know, I'm
Speaker 4: a little uh I guess, uh no, that's that's okay.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 1: We put this podcast through like a background noise removal thing,
Speaker 1: so I don't know if it'll pick this up. But
Speaker 1: you sound like you have a baby in the back.
Speaker 4: I do absolutely actually Ceas just throwing a ball around
Speaker 4: right now in like my apartment courtyard.
Speaker 1: Is that your baby, Yeah it is, this is your base. Okay.
Speaker 1: I have a really important question.
Speaker 4: Mm hmm, go for it.
Speaker 1: Have you seen the movie Marty Supreme?
Speaker 2: I haven't yet.
Speaker 4: No, I've been hearing great things though.
Speaker 1: Ah fuck, all right, well shit now I can't talk
Speaker 1: about it. Okay, it's a great I can't why I can't.
Speaker 1: The question I had for you would require me to
Speaker 1: spoil the movie, and so I don't want to go.
Speaker 4: You know what, It's all right, though, go for it
Speaker 4: all No, that's like it's too important of a spoiler,
Speaker 4: is it it is?
Speaker 1: Yeah? No, you should go see that. I actually haven't
Speaker 1: yet fully talked about I mean, that's not what this
Speaker 1: podcast is about. But I haven't talked about yet how
Speaker 1: much I loved that movie. Everyone should go see that movie.
Speaker 1: It's a good movie anyway, Okay, And I can't tell you.
Speaker 1: I can't tell you why, but I can't tell you
Speaker 1: why I brought up that movie without spoiling it anyway.
Speaker 1: All Right, you have a child, feel like.
Speaker 4: I might have. She's too and a quarter.
Speaker 1: How old are you.
Speaker 4: Twenty six?
Speaker 1: Oh shit? Okay, dude, what's it like being dad? Was
Speaker 1: it like being a dad?
Speaker 4: Honestly, it's fucking insane, like people always say it, you know,
Speaker 4: the moment I saw my kid let changed for me
Speaker 4: and you think it's like a load of shit, but
Speaker 4: it really isn't. Actually, it's pretty intense, Like you feel
Speaker 4: this really primal sort of like emotion that you've never
Speaker 4: really ever thought was even anywhere within I guess like reach.
Speaker 4: And it's just sort of like, I don't know, your
Speaker 4: DNA gets fucking changed, and it just says like you
Speaker 4: have to protect and fucking provide for this little thing
Speaker 4: for the rest of his life, you know, Like it's
Speaker 4: it's pretty it's pretty intense. She's she's yelling at me
Speaker 4: right now that she doesn't want me to play with her.
Speaker 4: But even now I'm like, yo, that's that's kind of shitty,
Speaker 4: but you know, I got to give her a space.
Speaker 4: And uh yet it's it's a whole array of emotions
Speaker 4: because I mean, you know, people they always ask you like,
Speaker 4: are you ready? But I don't think anybody's ever ready
Speaker 4: for any moment because, like you know, every every instance
Speaker 4: that that happens, when when it comes down to like
Speaker 4: having a kid is sort of just like absolutely brand new.
Speaker 4: They kind of die at the end of every night
Speaker 4: and are reborn every morning because they're just constantly fucking changing.
Speaker 4: So it's it's like you you have to take care
Speaker 4: of a new person every single day and you just
Speaker 4: have to kind of adapt to this like incredibly unreasonable
Speaker 4: force that just has your face.
Speaker 1: What's your name again?
Speaker 4: Uh, I'm using my kid's name, but we'll go with Jude.
Speaker 1: Jude. That was you're you're a well spoken gentleman.
Speaker 2: Jude.
Speaker 1: I enjoyed that description. It is interesting a new person
Speaker 1: is born every day. You feel like you're going up
Speaker 1: against a different child every day. Like it's really that
Speaker 1: it's that inconsistent the personality is is ever evolving?
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, I will say that the interests they'll
Speaker 4: they'll stick. And so, like, I know, she loves blue
Speaker 4: and that's not going to change for a good minute.
Speaker 4: She loves the rolling Stones, that's fine, gonna change for
Speaker 4: a while.
Speaker 1: She she she's two.
Speaker 4: She's two in a quarter. Yet she's really like aware
Speaker 4: for her age. I always get people kind of like,
Speaker 4: generally I don't know, kind of questioning if I'm lying
Speaker 4: about her age because she just seems really and I
Speaker 4: know everybody goes, oh, my kid's soul blah blah blah
Speaker 4: blah blah, but like I don't, I don't consider she's
Speaker 4: not over here fucking you know, in three years. I
Speaker 4: don't expect her to be Beethoven composing symphonies like fucking death.
Speaker 4: But I do think she's uh got, I don't know, Well,
Speaker 4: like this, this kind of believes into something else that
Speaker 4: I've I've kind of had in mind about like that
Speaker 4: I read this series, this book series that really dipped
Speaker 4: into like reincarnation and ship, and I'm just like, this
Speaker 4: definitely is not this kid's first rodeo, Like he's been around.
Speaker 1: That's fascinating. Okay, all right, I have. I have lots
Speaker 1: of questions. Uh anyway, First of all, I put a
Speaker 1: pin in the uh reincarnation things. I want to talk
Speaker 1: about that. But she's two years old and she likes
Speaker 1: the rolling Stones, Like does she like the rolling Stones
Speaker 1: in the sense that like you put on the music
Speaker 1: for her and she likes the music, or does she
Speaker 1: like does she like know who they are? Is a
Speaker 1: two year old conscious enough to understand mick Jack's existence.
Speaker 4: I will say that she's she's aware of of influence,
Speaker 4: like as in sometimes she'll see me try to shoehorn
Speaker 4: some of my interests into who she is, and that's
Speaker 4: just like a natural part of it, you know, Like
Speaker 4: I don't know, I I guess if I had to
Speaker 4: think of like something, even if if it's like as
Speaker 4: my new as what I'm about to bring up. We
Speaker 4: go to this little sushi cafe right down the street
Speaker 4: from us, and I absolutely love of the fucking choshu
Speaker 4: pork that's in that ramen. She hates it, and I
Speaker 4: always go, you know, trying to go to her like, oh,
Speaker 4: this is the these fucking knees you should eat it too,
Speaker 4: and she was like no, no, no no, And it
Speaker 4: kind of works that way with like generally her interest too.
Speaker 4: I mean, she didn't fuck with Batman forever just because
Speaker 4: you know, she she really likes bright tones and just
Speaker 4: h I guess he's an optimistic kind of kid, and
Speaker 4: our relationship is sort of like a Batman Superman kind
Speaker 4: of thing, where it's just like she's this bright ray
Speaker 4: of light that sort of like is just unfettered and shines.
Speaker 4: And I've always been more kind of a pessimistic, kind
Speaker 4: of detached person. So it's like, you know, as much
Speaker 4: as I would want her to love that man, she won't.
Speaker 4: So when I put on the Stones, she was just
Speaker 4: like it was it was jumping Jack Flash, and she
Speaker 4: just started moving her little fucking head, her little fucking heat,
Speaker 4: and I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna introduce to
Speaker 4: you what this band is called. And she she recently
Speaker 4: also kind of picked up on Nirvana too, and it's just, honestly,
Speaker 4: it's just fancy shirts. I think that's kind of what
Speaker 4: helps kind of introduce the concepts of these musical groups.
Speaker 4: But generally music has always been something that's fascinated her.
Speaker 1: So but you said to me, sorry to interrupt you,
Speaker 1: but you said that you are a generally pessimistic, detached person.
Speaker 1: Did that Did she change any of that in you?
Speaker 4: You know it? It definitely took uh uh, she did,
Speaker 4: she did, for sure, But it took some time because
Speaker 4: I mean she was born and you know, my uh
Speaker 4: my baby mama, because we did separate, she was always
Speaker 4: more on the optimistic side of things. But for me,
Speaker 4: I just like, I'm not even joking. The very first
Speaker 4: I want to say, like thirty forty days that she
Speaker 4: was born, I would up till like four in the
Speaker 4: morning just fucking watching her breathe, making sure she like
Speaker 4: didn't spontaneously die on me or something, or you know,
Speaker 4: like sometimes kids will roll over and or you'll hear like, oh,
Speaker 4: you know, if only someone was awake, they wouldn't have
Speaker 4: choked on there, like you know, fucking they drink and
Speaker 4: ounce too much of milk and they're gone, and it's
Speaker 4: like holy shit, you know, and it it bleeds into
Speaker 4: a lot more than just that. But I will say,
Speaker 4: she's she's she changed a lot about me, m and
Speaker 4: for the better.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: It's just what happened with your baby mama.
Speaker 4: Honestly, it was. It was just kind of the age
Speaker 4: old story. It's funny. We we fit a lot of statistics,
Speaker 4: like almost down to the tea, And it was actually
Speaker 4: something that I kind of had in mind where I
Speaker 4: was like, maybe I should start being safe about, like,
Speaker 4: you know, coitus, because I remember, hold up, hold.
Speaker 1: Up, what what do you mean by you fit a
Speaker 1: lot of statistics?
Speaker 2: So?
Speaker 4: Do you know what the average amount of time that
Speaker 4: you have to for lack of a better word, right now,
Speaker 4: bang someone to get them pregnant, like concurrently through you know,
Speaker 4: like a period of time that you're with them for
Speaker 4: like on on average.
Speaker 1: My guess, I think it's a lot, right, Like it's
Speaker 1: it's hard to get pregnant, like people have to try.
Speaker 4: Well, I think it, you know what. And I don't
Speaker 4: remember if I looked at the age range that we
Speaker 4: were when this happened, but maybe it's very specific to
Speaker 4: when we were. I believe we were twenty three and
Speaker 4: twenty two ish and it's eight months and that's exactly
Speaker 4: when I googled that. And then I'm not joking, Like
Speaker 4: two days later, she's like, yo, I'm pregnant. I'm like fuck, okay,
Speaker 4: wait you were like.
Speaker 1: Fuck okay, okay, hold on, you were you were like
Speaker 1: you just you keep unraveling. You were like, fuck, okay,
Speaker 1: but yeah, were you having unprotected sex with this lady
Speaker 1: for eight months?
Speaker 2: Eight eight months?
Speaker 1: Just we you know, were you pull an ounce?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah, of course, you know, right all over the back.
Speaker 4: That's what you gotta do.
Speaker 1: But you know, were you doing it? Were you doing
Speaker 1: it at the last minute?
Speaker 4: No, well, for the most part, yes, But I will
Speaker 4: just say I know when I conceived my child, and
Speaker 4: I know exactly why it happened, And honestly, it's because
Speaker 4: of the fucking uh Friends Christmas episode where Phoebe's singing
Speaker 4: a happy kitty sad kitty at that cafe.
Speaker 1: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Speaker 4: So there's this friend's episode. Honestly, it could have been
Speaker 4: any fucking Friends episode. We were we were traveling like
Speaker 4: to Arizona because that's where my siblings are, and she
Speaker 4: she came along with me, right like we were a ers.
Speaker 4: Well we were some months in the point is it'll
Speaker 4: kind of lined up to that day like when I
Speaker 4: trace it back. Obviously I don't have like the exact
Speaker 4: timeline etched into my head, so I can't give you exact,
Speaker 4: you know, details on it, but I will say a
Speaker 4: thousand percent that day I fell asleep on top of
Speaker 4: her because I was I was we were just you know,
Speaker 4: like shit, we we got a motel, we might as
Speaker 4: well use it.
Speaker 1: And I have to keep a sorry, sorry, sorry, I
Speaker 1: keep interrupting you, but I'm trying to. Okay, you're good. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're telling me that an episode of Friends.
Speaker 4: You're telling me on top of her.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you're having sex with your girlfriend and then
Speaker 1: while watching, while watching Friends, and then you what you
Speaker 1: come in your sleep?
Speaker 4: I think I just like I was so bored and
Speaker 4: just like I guess numb to both like this act
Speaker 4: we were having at the time as well as like
Speaker 4: this episode of Friends that I was just kind of like,
Speaker 4: I really dropped the ball, you know. I was distracted, fell.
Speaker 1: Asleep with your You like, okay, so you're having sex
Speaker 1: with this lady. Girlfriends drifting.
Speaker 4: I was drifting to sleep. I was like in and
Speaker 4: out of consciousness, and I was like, I should stay up.
Speaker 4: This is happening, and but you know, Friends was on
Speaker 4: in the background. I was like, this isn't doing it
Speaker 4: for me. I was in Austin, Man, I drove like
Speaker 4: nine hours.
Speaker 1: I've never heard of somebody coming in there. Well okay, well, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, hola haha, you had a wet dream inside
Speaker 1: of a girlfriend, is what I'm hearing. Yeah, essentially, that's hilarious.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah. But I do remember also thinking, like day,
Speaker 4: maybe I should get Plan B And at the time
Speaker 4: I didn't know they cost like eight bucks at Costco.
Speaker 4: And I was like, I'm not I just went on
Speaker 4: a road trip. I'm not trying to drop fifty bucks.
Speaker 1: I don't have to tell you how much more expensive
Speaker 1: having a child is than Plan B.
Speaker 4: Oh, one thousand percent. But also I was like, I mean,
Speaker 4: we've been doing this for how long? And it that happened? Like, okay,
Speaker 4: I slip up once? What what are the odds the
Speaker 4: one time I fall asleep while you know, just a
Speaker 4: little underprepared that it's gonna happen.
Speaker 1: And okay, so I mean it's so she it's okay,
Speaker 1: So she tells you that she's pregnant, and what's your
Speaker 1: first response?
Speaker 2: A fuck?
Speaker 4: Straight up? I was just like, I don't, I mean,
Speaker 4: I'm mind you, I'm I'm fuck. I was twenty two,
Speaker 4: twenty three ish around there, right, and I uh sorry,
Speaker 4: I got a text that kind of distracted me a
Speaker 4: little bit. But I I was twenty two or twenty three.
Speaker 4: I was in and out of college at this point
Speaker 4: in time. I just dropped out again and I was
Speaker 4: working at a coffee shop broke as fuck. Like my
Speaker 4: last you know, tax thing or whatever's like twenty grand
Speaker 4: in California. I was like, I can't afford a baby.
Speaker 4: And also, I don't think that I should be passing
Speaker 4: my dreams down, like they're not that great. I'm like
Speaker 4: five eight. Most of my family has like a history
Speaker 4: of mental illness. And I was like I was in
Speaker 4: a real tony soprano thing where I was like, my shun,
Speaker 4: what what the fuck did I give my shun? But
Speaker 4: my shitty fucking dreams, you know.
Speaker 1: So what's your life like now? Like, what do you do?
Speaker 1: What's the what's your You're an interesting guy to me,
Speaker 1: You're you know, you're smart, dude. I'm curious what's going
Speaker 1: on with you.
Speaker 4: I've always said my life is like kind of predicated
Speaker 4: on like two very distinct forces, and it's like luck
Speaker 4: and tragedy and uh. For the most part, recently, it's
Speaker 4: been just a lot of really cool, lucky breaks where
Speaker 4: you know, I knocked her up, and I it's funny.
Speaker 4: So when I found out she was pregnant in that week,
Speaker 4: this crazy shit happened where I I basically had to
Speaker 4: save her life so the end, and we thought my
Speaker 4: kid died. So it was this whole other thing. I
Speaker 4: won't get too much into it, but essentially I I
Speaker 4: I got hooked up with the job out in a
Speaker 4: really big, touristy rich area and so now I kind
Speaker 4: of I work maybe five, like maybe thirty hours a week.
Speaker 1: I came home with, uh, wait, how did your how
Speaker 1: did your wife almost die? What the fuck happens?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, So I mean it's it's kind of crazy.
Speaker 4: So I have I have various theories on this, one
Speaker 4: of which is so it's funny. She she had gone
Speaker 4: to the doctors during the time that I'd met her
Speaker 4: for this, like Ovari insist that she had, and they
Speaker 4: told her, like, it doesn't matter, nothing's gonna happen, like
Speaker 4: it can just fucking stay there, It'll be fine. And
Speaker 4: so then either one of two things was, uh, you know,
Speaker 4: because my my uh sperm was in her and there
Speaker 4: was a little thing at two weeks or maybe like
Speaker 4: the size of a fucking pentoben that pent being probably
Speaker 4: like shop on the cyst broke it. And so she's
Speaker 4: she's a really recalcit trent person, like very headstrong and ornery.
Speaker 4: So I'm not even joking. I remember we were in
Speaker 4: bed and she was she was fucking just she looked
Speaker 4: like ship. She looked like she was gonna die, and
Speaker 4: she actually was. You know, like at one point in time,
Speaker 4: I was like, you know, are you sure we shouldn't,
Speaker 4: you know, go to the hosports and she's like, no, no, no,
Speaker 4: like it really really really fucking hurts, but I'll be fine,
Speaker 4: and and then we both dozed off, and when I
Speaker 4: woke up, her lips were pale, she was cold, and
Speaker 4: I like smacked her a few times and she just
Speaker 4: was unresponsive, and I was like, you know, I finally
Speaker 4: ended up getting a kind of like really drows.
Speaker 2: Like, h.
Speaker 4: Oh my mom, And I was like.
Speaker 2: Your mom's not gonna do shit. I'm gonna call nine
Speaker 2: one one.
Speaker 1: And she said that like you said that exactly, like ause,
Speaker 1: he's I'm sorry, I'm gonna call that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, exactly that That's probably how I sounded in
Speaker 4: the moment too. But I I ended up calling the ambulance.
Speaker 4: And this was so when I say we dozed off,
Speaker 4: it was it was again like and I don't remember
Speaker 4: who started what I mean, she felt like shit, but
Speaker 4: somehow like the mood came about and that was when
Speaker 4: that was when it got really really bad. Was and
Speaker 4: also at that time it was just like again, I'm like,
Speaker 4: twenty two twenty three.
Speaker 1: Dude, s down track with me real quick. What do
Speaker 1: you mean the mood? The mood guys at the hospital.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, this was before before we knocked out.
Speaker 4: We went for another round, and I like, again, you're.
Speaker 1: Jude, You're Jude, Jude. I think that down dude's down
Speaker 1: track of man, okay you yeah, this lady, this lady
Speaker 1: is falling this okay, your girlfriend is like pale and
Speaker 1: and you called did you call nine one one?
Speaker 4: I did a thousand percent right away?
Speaker 1: And I guess what happens?
Speaker 4: So then they come and they tick her to the hospital.
Speaker 4: They have to like do some crazy surgery, and they
Speaker 4: tell me point blank, they're like, your kid's probably dead
Speaker 4: and she might. Yeah. They were like you're you're cause
Speaker 4: it was like a two week old thing. It was
Speaker 4: it was a tiny, little, like very just new form
Speaker 4: of life again, like the size of the fucking pinto bean.
Speaker 4: And so they were like, the kid's probably dead, like
Speaker 4: she's lots of ships on the blood. We're gonna have
Speaker 4: to do with surgery. And I remember asking them, like,
Speaker 4: she'll she'll make it though, right, like at least she'll
Speaker 4: make it, and they're like, ooh, I mean no promises.
Speaker 4: I was like, fuck, So I'm just like, my kid's
Speaker 4: dead and my girlfriend might die. That's crazy, you know,
Speaker 4: But yeah, no, she she ended up pulling through and
Speaker 4: then they, uh, they they ended up realizing that, you know,
Speaker 4: the kid was still alive. But she she again was
Speaker 4: like basically recovering from surgery, and it was like the
Speaker 4: first two weeks of of her my kid even being
Speaker 4: of any kind of like existence. So they told me
Speaker 4: straight up like probably the next ultrasound, it's gonna be
Speaker 4: like fifty to fifty, whether or not there's a heartbeat
Speaker 4: or even anything in there.
Speaker 1: Oh wow that How did that make it? Okay? By
Speaker 1: the way, also, the way you were telling that story before,
Speaker 1: when you were like because you were going in and
Speaker 1: out of two different stories, and it made it sound
Speaker 1: like your girlfriend got really sick and then you guys
Speaker 1: started fucking again.
Speaker 4: You understand, Oh no, no, no, thousand thousand percent, and.
Speaker 1: So Jude, I'm gonna stop you.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: So okay, So when you're when you when you were
Speaker 1: told that there was a fifty to fifty chance, like, like, what,
Speaker 1: how did you feel?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What was going on in your because I because you
Speaker 1: initially because like it's an interesting emotional roller coaster to
Speaker 1: me because you initially don't didn't you were like, you know,
Speaker 1: afraid to even have this baby, and then when you
Speaker 1: hear it's a fifty to fifty chance, like, what do
Speaker 1: you like? What's going on in your head?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Well, I mean when we first got there and they
Speaker 4: told me it was dead, I mean it felt like
Speaker 4: I lost, I lost my kid, I lost And you know,
Speaker 4: I never I never didn't want her. I just always
Speaker 4: wanted to like kind of brace her mom for who
Speaker 4: she was gonna have this baby with. So I'd just
Speaker 4: tell her like, hey, I'm up for it, I'm game.
Speaker 4: But you know, obviously you're like eight months in a
Speaker 4: dat and you're not gonna disclose everything about yourself. At
Speaker 4: that point, you're barely out of like the honeymoon phase.
Speaker 4: So I was just like as blunt as I could be.
Speaker 4: I told her. I was like, look, I mean, we
Speaker 4: could do it. And then she was at whatever. Anyway,
Speaker 4: I felt devastated. I just started bawling and crying and
Speaker 4: I could have fucking I shut down, dude, I was.
Speaker 2: I was just not even there.
Speaker 4: It felt like some some part of me separated from
Speaker 4: from who I was and just would never come back.
Speaker 4: And then lucky, luckily enough, there was a chance, and
Speaker 4: and so it was nothing but hope. I was just like,
Speaker 4: I mean, I think I think this thing's gonna want
Speaker 4: to be born. I think it's gonna fight this fucking
Speaker 4: you know, and it and it did like against the
Speaker 4: wants man, like you know, she just Kanda is here now.
Speaker 1: Interesting, all right, let's go back to this thing I
Speaker 1: put a pin in earlier about you're you've been reading
Speaker 1: a book about reincarnation.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so it's it's a series by Yukio Mishima. It's
Speaker 4: called The Sea of Fertility Tetrology. And it starts off
Speaker 4: like really super benign. It's just I mean, this guy
Speaker 4: was a far right radical kind of guy who in
Speaker 4: his books is trying to I mean, it's the whole
Speaker 4: reincarnation part is a different aspect of who he is
Speaker 4: or what his beliefs are. But essentially in the book,
Speaker 4: there's the central kind of figure who chronicles the lives
Speaker 4: of one of his best friends who comes back to
Speaker 4: life and dies in like ways it just kind of
Speaker 4: establish who he is. Like it's sort of like his
Speaker 4: hubris ends up being, you know, it not only a
Speaker 4: defining factor of him and his you know kind of
Speaker 4: like coming back every time, but it manifests in a
Speaker 4: different way. So like the first time he's kind of
Speaker 4: obviously going through this is his friends just like this
Speaker 4: really pure, dainty, kind of like noble guy who's just
Speaker 4: you know, absolutely just in denial of of being anything
Speaker 4: other than than pure. It's like, of course, I don't
Speaker 4: like this girl, Like that's stupid. I'm I'm I'm the
Speaker 4: embodiment of of what like pre World War One Japan
Speaker 4: and bodies and and it's this whole other thing with
Speaker 4: like you know, the quot shifts and shit.
Speaker 1: But so so do you believe that, like, uh, your
Speaker 1: kid used to be someone else?
Speaker 4: A thousand percent. I think a lot of us used
Speaker 4: to be people in other lives before this one, Like
Speaker 4: there's there's certain mannerisms in me that a lot of
Speaker 4: people kind of like jab at and they're like, what
Speaker 4: the fuck is that, dude? Why do you do that?
Speaker 4: Like you're not You're not. And it's it's something as
Speaker 4: simple as like I've always had this proclivity towards likewing
Speaker 4: my head like just slightly every time, I like, excuse
Speaker 4: myself for and I'm like, where are the fun I'm
Speaker 4: Mexican bro like and and and and that's the things
Speaker 4: like nobody understands you. They're like, you're you're fucking weird
Speaker 4: for that. And there's other things where I'm like, I'm
Speaker 4: pretty sure I was like a Japanese dude in my past.
Speaker 1: Was about to say. I was about to say, you like,
Speaker 1: it's so funny to me that you read a reincarnation
Speaker 1: book by a Japanese guy and your conclusion was like,
Speaker 1: I was a Japanese guy in the past.
Speaker 4: I was a Japanese guy.
Speaker 1: So so what's next for you?
Speaker 2: Jude?
Speaker 1: What's uh? I You've given me a bit of a
Speaker 1: picture of how you got to be living the life
Speaker 1: that you're currently living. Oh what did you kind of
Speaker 1: tell me? What happened with the baby mama. So it's
Speaker 1: I mean, it sounds like you guys had a kind
Speaker 1: of a close relationship. Yeah, you like like what, yeah,
Speaker 1: did you? Did you mention what happened there?
Speaker 4: I didn't, and it was it was anything like crazy drum.
Speaker 4: It was just again, you know, we we sit a
Speaker 4: lot of the statistics where it's like eight months we
Speaker 4: got pregnant, fucking two years after having a kid, we
Speaker 4: broke up, and it's just like no bad blood really
Speaker 4: just generally, I don't think we we had enough. I
Speaker 4: guess I'm not sure if it's like background or for
Speaker 4: grand information on what a relationship. I mean, we barely
Speaker 4: had a relationship without a kid, let alone one with
Speaker 4: a kid, and it's just difficult to kind of, you know,
Speaker 4: like learn to be a parent and still be a
Speaker 4: partner when that idea of how we were gonna, like
Speaker 4: I guess you could say love each other was never
Speaker 4: even really fully established like we were. We were at
Speaker 4: that point in time where you're barely setting boundaries, you're
Speaker 4: barely starting to kind of like really understand who the
Speaker 4: other person is. But the thing is, you know, we
Speaker 4: were we were in a time of transition too. So
Speaker 4: it's just like, I mean, I loved her before she
Speaker 4: was a mother, I loved her as she was becoming one,
Speaker 4: and then once she became one. It's not that like
Speaker 4: I stopped or that she stopped, but just rather that
Speaker 4: neither of us were able to really, I guess, put
Speaker 4: in enough time or effort to continue to grow that
Speaker 4: aspect of our lives. It was like, you know, it's
Speaker 4: just it just kind of happened.
Speaker 2: One day.
Speaker 4: She came home. She was like, I don't think we
Speaker 4: should be together, and I was like, I don't either,
Speaker 4: Like house serendipitous, we should probably break up. She's like, probably,
Speaker 4: all right, cool.
Speaker 1: That makes a lot of sense to me though, that
Speaker 1: you have a kid. And then you're like, that makes
Speaker 1: all aspect because you you guys, So you guys were
Speaker 1: together for for how long.
Speaker 4: And total eight months before she got pregnant and my
Speaker 4: kid was so it makes sense to me that almost
Speaker 4: three years.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, so you stayed together for a little bit
Speaker 1: after the kid.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: So you wrote that you were together with the kid
Speaker 1: for longer than you were together without the.
Speaker 2: Kid, exactly.
Speaker 4: That's what That's what I mean A.
Speaker 1: Guess it's interesting, right because you were like you had
Speaker 1: an already premature relationship there where you didn't even like
Speaker 1: know each other all that well, and then now you
Speaker 1: have a kid and it's like, oh, we got to
Speaker 1: get to know not only get to know the kid,
Speaker 1: but get to know ourselves with the kid. And it's
Speaker 1: just like, but with all this shit going on, there's
Speaker 1: not enough room for you guys to really develop your relationship.
Speaker 1: I guess that that makes a lot of sense to me,
Speaker 1: Like just like logistically.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, it was. It was just you know, logistics,
Speaker 4: and I mean a lot of I guess, like, you know,
Speaker 4: we we never found our communication style. I guess you
Speaker 4: could say it was a big because there was. And
Speaker 4: you know, we've we've been broken up for about three
Speaker 4: months now, and the first month we kind of just
Speaker 4: talked it out. We just hashed out, like we were
Speaker 4: both in a place where we wanted to understand why
Speaker 4: it didn't work out, and I think we we came
Speaker 4: to understand that, Like it just it just was for
Speaker 4: the most part, both of us kind of being and
Speaker 4: a big part of it too, is like you don't
Speaker 4: want to argue in front of your kid. You don't
Speaker 4: want to put that on them, but you also can't
Speaker 4: get away from them. So it's like you never have
Speaker 4: the time to to really work on compromise. And compromise
Speaker 4: people say is like when neither party is happy or
Speaker 4: you know, a thousand percent unsatisfied. So it's like we
Speaker 4: couldn't work through that progress. So there were times where
Speaker 4: I would play Kate what she wanted and she would
Speaker 4: do the same without fully wanting to, because there could
Speaker 4: have been some middle ground that we would have found,
Speaker 4: but we never felt that we could actually work towards
Speaker 4: it because you know, we don't want to. We don't
Speaker 4: want to put it's a sensitive kid, we out, so
Speaker 4: she would have picked up on it. And how terrible
Speaker 4: is that? You know, Like I guess at the end
Speaker 4: of the.
Speaker 1: Day, Well, as guys, I get what you mean. It's like, Okay,
Speaker 1: in order for us to really understand each other, we
Speaker 1: have to like hash things out, and uh, we don't
Speaker 1: want to be hash in it. We don't want to
Speaker 1: be hash in and out in front of the kid.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So it's like, you know, if it didn't work
Speaker 4: out and we we couldn't really like fit each other's
Speaker 4: molds quite so easily within the context of what life
Speaker 4: had in store for us. Then that's just how she goes,
Speaker 4: you know.
Speaker 1: So what are you up to? What's okay? Let me
Speaker 1: ask you this, okay, So again, Yeah, I have a
Speaker 1: pretty clear picture of how you arrived at your life
Speaker 1: as it is before we go, And thank you very
Speaker 1: much for sharing all of this with us. It's been
Speaker 1: very interesting talking to you. What's next? What's next? Are you, Jude?
Speaker 1: Where where do you see life taking you?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 4: Right now, it's just kind of focusing on, you know,
Speaker 4: raising my daughter still kind of I guess, reinvesting in
Speaker 4: myself and pursuing the interest that you know. Unfortunately when
Speaker 4: she was younger, you you kind of have to give
Speaker 4: up and just generally moving on from here.
Speaker 2: Man.
Speaker 4: Like you know, I'm not I'm not saying like, oh
Speaker 4: I I need someone to like feel complete, but I
Speaker 4: am in a place where, like I feel complete enough
Speaker 4: that it's like, okay, we're you know, I'm just gonna
Speaker 4: go with the wind and just you know, be a
Speaker 4: wave and fucking ride lights out and see where it
Speaker 4: takes me in. Right now, it's like I feel good, bro,
Speaker 4: I'm I'm I got a decent job, I might go
Speaker 4: back to school. I have, my kid is happy with me,
Speaker 4: and like, you know, I recently started kind of talking
Speaker 4: to someone. So it's like it's all the up and up.
Speaker 4: It's it's uh, just staying positive and being strong for
Speaker 4: my child and for myself and just yeah, I think
Speaker 4: I think there are clearers guys now than ever, and
Speaker 4: so it's just taking in that sunlight in the you know,
Speaker 4: can up.
Speaker 1: I'm uh, I'm glad to hear that. It was interesting
Speaker 1: the way you describe yourself as a life of tragedy
Speaker 1: and luck, and it sounds like you're in a great
Speaker 1: season of luck, that's for sure. That's awesome. Mm, thanks
Speaker 1: for talking to me, Jude. I appreciate I appreciate this.
Speaker 1: I felt like I feel like I learned some stuff
Speaker 1: from listening to you.
Speaker 4: I'm glad you could take something away from man, and
Speaker 4: thank you for giving me my fifteen minutes.
Speaker 1: Is there anything else you want to say is to
Speaker 1: the people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I guess you know what I will say to
Speaker 4: like all the single dads out there that feel like
Speaker 4: right now, you know, maybe you might have just broken
Speaker 4: up with or have gotten broken up with or whatever
Speaker 4: the fuck happened between you and your baby mama, and
Speaker 4: you come home and all your kids shit is there
Speaker 4: and your kid's not there, and you go, damn the
Speaker 4: Fuck'm gonna have to be be a piece of shit.
Speaker 4: Don't do it, man, like just stuffing up. You know,
Speaker 4: it's it's it's hard to kind of get away from
Speaker 4: the feeling that things are never gonna be better, or
Speaker 4: that like you've lost something that you'll never get back,
Speaker 4: but that's still not true. Like life is so long
Speaker 4: and you know you've got prospects out there, and don't
Speaker 4: feel that you have to chase after something that I
Speaker 4: guess won't chase back after you or that just wasn't
Speaker 4: in the cards for you. People always say like I
Speaker 4: wish I had a perfect family, and it's like, there
Speaker 4: there really is no perfect family. Like even if you
Speaker 4: have nuclear family, like you got problems, there's drama, there's bullshit,
Speaker 4: and just because you're not you know, maybe with the
Speaker 4: mother of your child, don't let that turn it to
Speaker 4: something that it shouldn't because you know, it's just the
Speaker 4: the the loss of I guess everything that you have
Speaker 4: as a foundation when you become a father and a
Speaker 4: partner in that sort of way. Is is a great
Speaker 4: one that that's gonna really bring you down, but uh
Speaker 4: you can, uh you can persevere and uh you know
Speaker 4: uh in uh Herman has his said dartha. He says,
Speaker 4: I can think, I can wait, I can fast, And
Speaker 4: fucking Victor Frankle says that with any with any why,
Speaker 4: there's always a how so like you know you'll uh
Speaker 4: you'll be better, bro, don't don't let not you.
Speaker 1: Know, Victor Victor Victor Frankel, Victor Frankl is the uh
Speaker 1: the got the Holocaust driver guy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: I've been trying to read that book.
Speaker 4: Dude, It's it's so good. Yeah I have I'm a
Speaker 4: few by him that I haven't been able to get
Speaker 4: around you. But he's pretty fucking amazing. All right, let's go, you.
Speaker 1: Know I am, but dude, I you know, I I
Speaker 1: know I said we're gonna go in a second. But yeah,
Speaker 1: the way the picture, the picture you painted struck me.
Speaker 1: That's very specific thing of being a single father where
Speaker 1: your kid's ship is at your house but they're not there,
Speaker 1: and you're just like fuck, what do you even? What
Speaker 1: is like? What is this room?
Speaker 2: Is?
Speaker 1: It is this a home? Is this a fucking bachelor den?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What the like? It's just that sounds like just a
Speaker 1: an interesting, like mental space to be in. It sounds
Speaker 1: like you're you're writing through it. So I'm proud of you, buddy.
Speaker 4: Oh thank you man. Yeah, and I definitely appreciate it.
Speaker 4: And uh again, it's for you know, like I guess,
Speaker 4: there's always so solidarity to be found, and you know,
Speaker 4: being in different I guess groups and stuff, and especially
Speaker 4: like online, you always see shit about single moms and
Speaker 4: kudos to them and to everything they go through, but
Speaker 4: there's always that stigma about like men's mental health and
Speaker 4: talking shit out and you know, I guess I kind
Speaker 4: of just wanted to really quickly, uh give give voice
Speaker 4: to to that very niche group of dudes out there
Speaker 4: that are probably just like because you know, you work,
Speaker 4: you work, and you come home and help contribute towards
Speaker 4: the kid, and maybe you don't have the time to
Speaker 4: see them. I do, thank god, but I know a
Speaker 4: lot of people probably don't. And maybe you only have
Speaker 4: them one they're two nights out of the fucking week,
Speaker 4: but you know, it's it's something and they're always gonna
Speaker 4: they're always gonna love you for that. And even if
Speaker 4: if you don't have that constant reminder of them being
Speaker 4: there at the end of the night to like kind
Speaker 4: of show you what you're working for. I mean, you know,
Speaker 4: there's still there's still wherever they are and you're still
Speaker 4: wherever you are, and it's very important to just.
Speaker 2: Not go.
Speaker 4: The easy way out and slowly kind of destroy yourself
Speaker 4: and be like, well, there's nothing I can do because
Speaker 4: it was with their mom or they do this or
Speaker 4: they do that. But it's like, yeah, dude, I anytime
Speaker 4: you get to see your kids, make that opportunity. Don't
Speaker 4: don't just go oh, well shit, you know, maybe I'll
Speaker 4: just only see him for an hour. Maybe I'll only
Speaker 4: see them for two. Well all right, fuck it, see
Speaker 4: them for an hour, see them for two, take a
Speaker 4: little fucking park, you know. Do it, because I know
Speaker 4: there's some people that are that make themselves victims where
Speaker 4: they're like, oh, you know, I I only see my
Speaker 4: kid on Monday, and it's like, well, why why work
Speaker 4: every other day? And I get tired and it's like, okay, dude,
Speaker 4: I do it too. Everybody does too. But that's not
Speaker 4: a fucking excuse to not to not you know, like
Speaker 4: I don't know that you can't just like play your
Speaker 4: part by by contributing money and one day out of
Speaker 4: the week, like you know, but but put every effort
Speaker 4: that you can to be a good dad. Sometimes. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 4: And I'm sorry I keep sucking ranting and.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, no, it's okay. I I have a
Speaker 1: lot of respect for the for everything you just said,
Speaker 1: I think you're doing a great fucking job. Man. I
Speaker 1: have a lot of respect for you.
Speaker 4: Thank you, dude. I appreciate you too, and I respect
Speaker 4: what you do as well because, uh, you know it,
Speaker 4: this has helped a lot for sure.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 4: Personally, they just get it off by just and to
Speaker 4: uh I guess feel feel heard in the very specific
Speaker 4: uh way and topic. And uh you do that for
Speaker 4: for more than just me, you know, you do that
Speaker 4: for every person who calls. And sometimes you just give
Speaker 4: less a laughs and sometimes that's that's all you need,
Speaker 4: you know. It's like the ridiculousness of it all, like
Speaker 4: that I'm talking about this. Yesterday, I was about how
Speaker 4: I wonder if at petting Zoos they make you sign
Speaker 4: a waiver saying you might get chlamydia, or if they
Speaker 4: test the koalas for chlamydia before letting them in the
Speaker 4: petting zoos. And you know, like you need a perfect
Speaker 4: little balance of both taking life seriously and and thinking
Speaker 4: about kohala is and chlamydia.
Speaker 1: And and with that and with that, I think we'll
Speaker 1: end the call. Good luck, dude, man, Thank you for sharing. Man,
Speaker 1: I appreciate it.
Speaker 4: No, absolutely, yeah, uh, thank you. Uh, get blessed. I
Speaker 4: guess this is what you say at the time, So
Speaker 4: I'll say.
Speaker 1: They take care of Jude, get blessed, brother.
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you, Bye bye, Okay.
Speaker 1: I like that guy, Man, that guy is a real
Speaker 1: sweet dude. I'm I was just blowing smoke up as ass.
Speaker 2: Either.
Speaker 1: I really do I respect him, irish, I respect anyone
Speaker 1: of was fucking uh And like I really have a
Speaker 1: lot of respect for anyone who has kids that aren't
Speaker 1: like actively in their life and like taking care of them.
Speaker 1: Like it's not fucking easy. Uh, it's not an easy
Speaker 1: pledge to take either, you know. I mean it's a
Speaker 1: lot of responsibility that feels like like I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: like I was twenty now he's about my He's not
Speaker 1: that much younger.
Speaker 2: Than me.
Speaker 1: But people with kids, I'm always just like, that's a
Speaker 1: real adult. I really don't feel I feel like if
Speaker 1: I really do feel like the only way I see myself,
Speaker 1: I'm like the only way I feel like like real
Speaker 1: adults have, like you know, I guess answer to things
Speaker 1: outside of themselves. So and I've I got to I
Speaker 1: got a lot of respect and it doesn't always have
Speaker 1: to be a kid. But I got a lot of
Speaker 1: respect for folks like Jude, you know, doing their thing.
Speaker 1: Thank you for thank you for sharing with us.
Speaker 2: Jude. Hello, are you the get go?
Speaker 1: I am the gecko? I am the gecko? Who are you?
Speaker 1: What's going on?
Speaker 3: I'm Maggie and I'm crashing out?
Speaker 1: Well you're crashing out? Okay, Well, first of all, nice
Speaker 1: to meet you digitally, Maggie. Why are you crashing out?
Speaker 3: My cat has asthma?
Speaker 1: Your cat has asma.
Speaker 3: She has asthma, and I just s meant five hundred
Speaker 3: dollars to get her drugs to fix her asthma.
Speaker 1: That's really nice of you. Did you get her like
Speaker 1: a cute like cat Inhaler?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's been on me inhaler. But that does not work.
Speaker 1: You know what's crazy?
Speaker 2: Is.
Speaker 1: I would think cats don't even need that much air.
Speaker 1: They're pretty tiny people, so they don't even need that
Speaker 1: much air. It's crazy they can get asthma.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think she just has like a will to
Speaker 3: die and for me to spend money on keeping her
Speaker 3: from dying. It's like a fun game we play.
Speaker 1: Interesting. Why do you think your cat wants to die?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: I think when she was like burst into the world,
Speaker 3: she got my genetic anxiety. So maybe it's like that.
Speaker 1: Do you want to die? That's a load of questions.
Speaker 3: No, I just have genetic anxiety, you.
Speaker 1: Know, and you believe that your anxiety is so bad
Speaker 1: you can pass it on to your animals.
Speaker 3: Yeah, when she was burst into this.
Speaker 1: World, that sucks, like being a therapy animal, but like
Speaker 1: the person's mental illness rubs off on you, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. Like if you're like a golden retriever, you're
Speaker 1: like a golden retriever and you're assigned to make this
Speaker 1: kid feel less anxious, but instead the dog is like,
Speaker 1: do this kid's stressing me out?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, it kind of sucks, but like she she
Speaker 3: does enjoy the saltiness of a tear so I think
Speaker 3: it's like it's good for her.
Speaker 1: Does she lick your tears when you get upset?
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's like she's pretty baller.
Speaker 1: Wow, you feed your dog, No, you're not your fucking dog.
Speaker 1: You feed your cat your own sadness.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but it like makes her stronger.
Speaker 1: That's fucking powerful. Ooh m, your cat is fucking asthma.
Speaker 1: I think you're lying. Yeah, your cat has asthma. I
Speaker 1: don't know why I.
Speaker 3: Said that, dead ass, while dead ass, I.
Speaker 1: Don't know why I said that. That would be a
Speaker 1: lame thing for you to lie about. Well, Maggie, Uh,
Speaker 1: you don't listen, Maggie. We can keep talking about other ship.
Speaker 1: We could end it right here if you have something
Speaker 1: else you want to talk about. I don't know if
Speaker 1: we fully covered the topic of your cat have an asthma.
Speaker 1: If we didn't, we can keep diving into that. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna let you take the floor here.
Speaker 3: Oh god, I mean I think the the cat asthma
Speaker 3: has been covered.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, do you have Do you have asthma?
Speaker 3: I don't think so.
Speaker 1: You should? You should? That should be something that you
Speaker 1: know or don't. No, no, no, I'm gonna go that's
Speaker 1: not something that you know, or that should be something
Speaker 1: that you know, whether or not. That's what I meant to.
Speaker 3: Say, and I'm gonna say no for the for the
Speaker 3: me asthma.
Speaker 1: Beautiful Meg, is there anything else you want to say
Speaker 1: to the people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 3: Uh?
Speaker 2: Fuck it?
Speaker 3: We all get bitches, get money, don't have asthma. Thank you, Maggie,
Speaker 3: of course, Thank you, Lyle.
Speaker 2: Never be Ken goes on the line taking your phone
Speaker 2: calls every night.
Speaker 1: Never Pinken goes through his eye.
Speaker 2: He's teaching you
Speaker 3: A cloud to live your life, but he's not really
Speaker 3: an expert.