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Speaker 1: Hi. I am Kate Hudson and my name is Oliver Hudson.

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Speaker 2: We wanted to do something that highlighted our.

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Speaker 1: Relationship and what it's like to be siblings. We are

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Speaker 1: a sibling railvalry.

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Speaker 2: No, no, sibling.

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Speaker 3: You don't do that with your mouth, revely.

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Speaker 1: That's good. Why don't you feel well?

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Speaker 2: Me? I think I'm just coming. I've just been just going,

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Speaker 2: you know, and I'm just tired and I felt I

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Speaker 2: feel a little achy today and like I just want

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Speaker 2: to be in Yeah, I'm feeling run down.

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Speaker 1: It's making those a war of the award pushes, just

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Speaker 1: so you know, when you're going to all the dinners,

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Speaker 1: how great you are.

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Speaker 4: Like that.

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Speaker 2: I feel like the rap party really did me in

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Speaker 2: that late night, you know, and then and now it's

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Speaker 2: just stem and then you're just like hugging so many people,

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Speaker 2: you know, it's like if you into his face, someone

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Speaker 2: gave me something for sure.

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Speaker 1: Oh, without a doubt. Yeah, there's absolutely God about that.

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Speaker 1: Probably Brad Pitt.

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Speaker 2: I'm really excited about who were about to interview because

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Speaker 2: these are like my favorite topics of conversation.

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Speaker 1: It is.

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Speaker 2: I did this thing for Bustle where we did like

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Speaker 2: sex talk with Kate. I was like, I really want

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Speaker 2: to do this, Like I actually want to do like

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Speaker 2: a ten minute YouTube. Yeah show that's just like people

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Speaker 2: write in about relationships.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's so fun Well because for all Laura Berman,

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Speaker 1: this can be coming on in a few seconds, but

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Speaker 1: it's it's it's you know, sexuality, sexual experiences between couples,

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Speaker 1: Like you need to have that. That intimacy is extremely important.

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Speaker 1: Otherwise I could just marry my best friend John and

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Speaker 1: like raise kids with him, you know, like which I

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Speaker 1: still considering.

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Speaker 2: I think most women love the idea of raising children

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Speaker 2: with their best friends.

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Speaker 1: No, that's so funny. I know, yeah everyone talks.

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Speaker 2: About that, but I feel like that's the way it

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Speaker 2: was way back back pre like yeah, pre pre property

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Speaker 2: kind of.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, ownership, but don't but didn't they back then need

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Speaker 1: intimacy or was it just like yeah.

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Speaker 2: But I think a tribal I think the tribe like

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Speaker 2: more of like when when we were kind of in

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Speaker 2: families under one hundred people, like communities under one hundred

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Speaker 2: and fifty people, we were our families raised our kids,

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Speaker 2: and our intimacy and our sex was outside of the family. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: you know, hopefully yeah, because because sort of you relied

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Speaker 2: on sex and men for procreation, but then your family,

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Speaker 2: your brothers and sisters and parents raised the children, not

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Speaker 2: a partner.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And sexuality is almost like a personality. Everyone's a

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Speaker 1: little bit different, you know. Everyone has their own different

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Speaker 1: ideas of what feels good or what they want.

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Speaker 2: I know, I love all this stuff because there was

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Speaker 2: this thing called like the sexual blueprint, like what is

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Speaker 2: your blueprint? Like what's your kink? You know, and like

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Speaker 2: some people are just like sex oriented, like it's just

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Speaker 2: like they just want to get right to it. Some

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Speaker 2: people are more kinky, like some people are more like

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Speaker 2: they like they they they're more expressive, like they need

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Speaker 2: to talk about the you know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, everybody.

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Speaker 2: Has their own weird Some people are experimental and like

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Speaker 2: like being in an open relationship.

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Speaker 1: It's like, you know, let's bring her on because these

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Speaker 1: are all amazing questions to talk to ask her.

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Speaker 2: Oh, hi, how are you good?

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Speaker 4: How are you guys?

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Speaker 2: Good?

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Speaker 1: Good, good good. We're very very excited to have you on.

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Speaker 1: We were just doing our preamble and you know, this

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Speaker 1: is a topic. It sounds strange for siblings to sort

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Speaker 1: of have this connection or to be able to express

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Speaker 1: themselves like this. But Katie and I talk about this

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Speaker 1: stuff all the time.

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Speaker 2: Laura, how did you get into doctor, doctor Laura? How

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Speaker 2: did you get into this specifically?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's well, you know, I set out to be

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Speaker 4: a couple's therapist, and I am a couple's therapist, a

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Speaker 4: relationship therapist. But in my training, you know, when a

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Speaker 4: therapist is in training, you see clients and then you

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Speaker 4: have a supervisor and you go to your supervisor and

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Speaker 4: you say, hey, I had this couple and they blah

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Speaker 4: blah blah, what should I do? And they tell you

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Speaker 4: what to do and you go back and you do it.

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Speaker 4: And so because I grew up in a family like yours,

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Speaker 4: which by the way, is very rare, I think you

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Speaker 4: may know that I was totally comfortable, Like it didn't

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Speaker 4: occur to me that this was something, you know, weird

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Speaker 4: to talk about. So couples would just naturally bring sexual

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Speaker 4: issues up, duh, right, And I brought it. When I

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Speaker 4: started bringing it to my supervisor, she looked at me

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Speaker 4: like I was some kind of perv and she was like,

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Speaker 4: why are they talking to you about their sex life?

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Speaker 4: I'm like, cause I'm we're doing couples therapy, and it

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Speaker 4: quickly dawned on me that like no one in my

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Speaker 4: graduate school, my supervisors, nobody talked about sex, which made

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Speaker 4: zero sense me. I can to be a couple's therapist

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Speaker 4: and not address sex. So I got really pissed, and

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Speaker 4: I decided to get my own training, and I talked

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Speaker 4: my way into the NYU Medical Schools Fellowship training program

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Speaker 4: that was only open to medical students. But I wasn't

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Speaker 4: obviously a medical student. But I talked my way in

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Speaker 4: there and I got fellowship trained, and I started getting

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Speaker 4: trained in that, and then I accidentally got famous for

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Speaker 4: that part. I mean, that's just and it's just always

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Speaker 4: been something that has come easily to me. I always

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Speaker 4: say that, you know, I'm not good at a lot

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Speaker 4: of things, but when it comes to sex, love and relationships,

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Speaker 4: I'm kind of a savant.

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Speaker 1: There's so much to talk about. Because I was just

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Speaker 1: saying to Kate earlier, you know, sexuality is almost like

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Speaker 1: a fingerprint in a way. Everyone is a little bit different,

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Speaker 1: you know, and we have to sort of find our

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Speaker 1: paths to each other sometimes, you know. But before we

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Speaker 1: get into that, I wonder, you know, how important is

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Speaker 1: sex and relationhistionship. Of course, I think I know the

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Speaker 1: answer to this. But on the flip side of that,

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Speaker 1: how often do you see the lack of sexual intimacy

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Speaker 1: break up a relationship, marriage or boyfriend girlfriend? You know,

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Speaker 1: is that a big factor?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And that second question is partly the answer to

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Speaker 4: the first, because when sex is working in a relationship,

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Speaker 4: it's just a part of the working relationship. So in

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Speaker 4: that sense, it's just part of it. It's not like

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Speaker 4: the part of it.

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Speaker 2: It's like a mirror to the intimacy.

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Speaker 4: Yes, and it's a huge part of it. That's beautiful. However,

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Speaker 4: when it's not working, that's when it starts to pray

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Speaker 4: the fiber of your connection. That's when it starts to

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Speaker 4: put your relationship at risk. And you know, that's not

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Speaker 4: to say if your sex life sucks, one or both

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Speaker 4: of you are going to have affairs, although that certainly happens.

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Speaker 4: But I see so many couples who, you know, one

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Speaker 4: in five couples are living in sexless marriages, which means

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Speaker 4: or less times a year, And I think those statistics

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Speaker 4: have actually drastically increased since the incidents, you know, since

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Speaker 4: social media and people are fubbing each other all the time,

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Speaker 4: you know, snubbing each other with their phones or just

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Speaker 4: sitting next to each other and not connecting. But the

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Speaker 4: problem is that when it's not working, that's when you

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Speaker 4: start to have a real disconnect. And you can live

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Speaker 4: without sex, and plenty of couples do, but you're living

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Speaker 4: like roommates, you know, and there's an aspect of your

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Speaker 4: connection that is really missing. Not to mention all not

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Speaker 4: just the relationship benefits of sex, but all the health

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Speaker 4: benefits of it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, how would you answer this question which I think

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Speaker 1: is shifted and changed, especially for me personally because once

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Speaker 1: I became more vulnerable and more connected to my wife,

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Speaker 1: which happened only in the last like six years, because

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Speaker 1: I've been through some shit, you know, sex got different

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Speaker 1: from me. But this whole idea that men need to

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Speaker 1: have sex to feel connected and women need to feel

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Speaker 1: connected to have sex, is that debunked or is that true? No?

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Speaker 4: That is so true, And I think you could say

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Speaker 4: it even just beyond gender, about the masculine and feminine right.

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Speaker 4: So if you're in order to have a healthy sexual connection,

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Speaker 4: you need polarity. One of you needs to be more

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Speaker 4: in your masculine the other needs to be more in

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Speaker 4: their feminine. It doesn't matter what gender you are, So

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Speaker 4: you could be a guy more in his feminine with

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Speaker 4: another guy who's more in his mask. Fill in whatever

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Speaker 4: gender you want there, but the one that lives in

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Speaker 4: their masculine achieves a sense of emotional closeness and connection

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Speaker 4: through the physical act of sex. The one that is

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Speaker 4: more in their feminine achieves uh, you know, doesn't want

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Speaker 4: to have sex unless they feel that emotional connection and closeness,

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Speaker 4: especially in a long term relationship. If you're talking about

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Speaker 4: one night stands or the beginning of a relationship, everybody

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Speaker 4: wants to have sex, but in a long term relationship

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Speaker 4: that is a huge part. So for the woman or

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Speaker 4: for the feminine, a huge part of her sexual in

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Speaker 4: inspiration is how close she feels to her partner and

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Speaker 4: the ironies, that's where you get the sex romance stalemate.

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Speaker 4: So she may not be as available for sex even

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Speaker 4: after a childbirth or menopause or any other thing, stress, whatever,

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Speaker 4: and she withdraws from her availability for sex, and then

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Speaker 4: he is less tapped and tuned in emotionally connected, and

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Speaker 4: then she's that much less available for sex, and then

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Speaker 4: that whole stalemate.

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Speaker 1: Kate, I started to take this over asks of a

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Speaker 1: question for you, Kate.

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Speaker 2: Hudson, Oh, geez, yeah, maybe I don't want to do

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Speaker 2: this no.

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Speaker 1: Because again, well, Kate, you're obviously extremely feminine. You know,

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Speaker 1: there's no doubt, but you have a strong you have

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Speaker 1: a masculine side to you, just as I have a

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Speaker 1: feminine streak. I should probably go on you know, testosterone

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Speaker 1: to have more masculinity, but you are you know, so

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Speaker 1: do you feel like you need to feel connected to

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Speaker 1: have sex or do you feel like.

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Speaker 2: You Well, it's funny you're asking me this because I

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Speaker 2: sometimes go, I wait, it wavers for me, like it shifts.

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Speaker 2: I think the thing is, I'm incredibly I'm incredibly feminine

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Speaker 2: when it comes to connective like if things are going off,

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Speaker 2: if things are like not connecting in the relationship, I

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Speaker 2: usually don't feel like I want to have sex with

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Speaker 2: my with the partner. That being said, I am also

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Speaker 2: the kind of person that's like, I'll just make myself

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Speaker 2: have sex and I'll feel better, So I'll shut that

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Speaker 2: part off and be like then once I have sex

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Speaker 2: and I get that like that dopamine going and that

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Speaker 2: connective tissue back a little bit then I can kind

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Speaker 2: of it actually opens something up for me that I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I actually feel more connected than I did, even though

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Speaker 2: like sometimes you actually I think this is my own thing.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes I think you actually just need to have sex

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Speaker 2: with your partner, even if you're not feeling it. You

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Speaker 2: need to kind of almost like get your head around

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Speaker 2: it differently, because usually afterwards you feel a different sense

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Speaker 2: of closeness.

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Speaker 4: Amen. I love that, and I'm absolutely right. I mean

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Speaker 4: I say that to people all the time. You may

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Speaker 4: be wanting, you know, to watch the latest episode of

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Speaker 4: your favorite show or do something else on your to

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Speaker 4: do list, but once you get going, and women say

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Speaker 4: this to me all the time because women are typically

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Speaker 4: the ones less interested. Not always, but the majority of

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Speaker 4: the time is like, once I get going and I'm done,

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Speaker 4: I think, oh I should do this more often. This

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Speaker 4: was really fun, and and you've now created deeper connection

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Speaker 4: with your partner, and then he is more emotionally tuned in,

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Speaker 4: so like assuming you're not despising each other and like

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Speaker 4: there's like really huge issues going on. I always say,

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Speaker 4: you know, there is some a lot of power to

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Speaker 4: just doing it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like there's an especially like with like

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Speaker 2: the miss match libido, Like I think, as it's one

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Speaker 2: thing in your twenties, everybody's like firing on all cylinders.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to get a little weird on this. I'd

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Speaker 2: love to know what you think about this, because I

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Speaker 2: have this theory right, Like women are so fascinating because

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Speaker 2: and we don't talk about this enough, that men men's libidos,

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Speaker 2: it's like they come out the gate hot and then

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Speaker 2: naturally without things helping them, you know, they start their

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Speaker 2: libido and their hormones start to change. Actually younger than

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Speaker 2: women and ours we sort of come into our peak older,

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Speaker 2: and it's it's not necessarily matched. So if you're sort

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Speaker 2: of around the same age as your partner, for women

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Speaker 2: in our mid thirties, we start to kind of peak

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Speaker 2: and get very much into our sexual peak, whereas men's

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Speaker 2: libidos are now coming out of their peak. Is this

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Speaker 2: the correct.

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Speaker 4: Well, there is truth to what you're saying, but not

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Speaker 4: for the reason I think that you're saying. Because hormonally,

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Speaker 4: you know, starting in our mid thirties, things are really

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Speaker 4: getting you know, so we're not as hormonally supported for

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Speaker 4: wanting sex in our mid thirties and beyond as we

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Speaker 4: were in our twenties. So, for instance, a woman in

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Speaker 4: her sixties has half the testosterone, which is that hormone

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Speaker 4: of desire that a woman in her twenties has, and

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Speaker 4: it's slowly declining throughout our lifespan, so that by the

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Speaker 4: mid to late thirties, and especially if she's on hormonal

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Speaker 4: contraceptives which bind up even more testosterone and keep it

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Speaker 4: from being available for the body to use. She's often

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Speaker 4: physiologically not prone to be horny. However, emotionally and intellectually

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Speaker 4: she has been through some shit. She knows more who

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Speaker 4: she is, she's more comfortable in her body, she knows

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Speaker 4: what shes so she's like, let's go, you know. So

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Speaker 4: emotionally and intellectually she's more there. Whereas guys, yes, their

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Speaker 4: testosterone slowly declines, but usually they see the biggest drop

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Speaker 4: off in their fifties, while you start to see low

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Speaker 4: testosterone and the effects of that. But at the same time,

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Speaker 4: a guy in their twenties is like a rabbit, right,

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Speaker 4: and once he's getting to thirty five, he has responsibilities,

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Speaker 4: he has stress. The one thing that I see time

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Speaker 4: and time again, and this is interesting to look at

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Speaker 4: how stress affects libido. We could go into a whole

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Speaker 4: rabbit hole around that. But for women, any kind of

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Speaker 4: stress can affect her libido. For men, the primary stress

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Speaker 4: that seems to affect their libido is job or money

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Speaker 4: related stress, because that hits them, you know, right mcahoney,

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Speaker 4: so to speak in their sense of manner. So often

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Speaker 4: we'll see in the mid thirties, men having a lot,

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Speaker 4: I have a family to support, I have the bills debate,

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Speaker 4: I have a lot of you know, so a lot

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Speaker 4: of that stress will start kicking in that lower makes

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Speaker 4: them less like, well, let's go, you know. But in general,

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Speaker 4: you know, I always say that like the way we

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Speaker 4: approach sex. You know, men are like a microwave oven.

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Speaker 4: They can get going pretty quickly when the opportunity presents itself.

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Speaker 4: Where women, you know, we're like a slow burning stove.

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Speaker 4: We need to be kind of stoked, you know, and

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Speaker 4: connected to and those fires fanned a little bit, I.

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Speaker 1: Know when you have kids, though, sometimes it's hard to

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Speaker 1: like stoke it.

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Speaker 4: That's why when I say if you're waiting to have

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Speaker 4: you know, if you're if you're waiting for sex to

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Speaker 4: happen spontaneously once you have kids, You're going to be

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Speaker 4: waiting a long time. You have to you have to

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Speaker 4: really be intentional about planning it and setting time aside

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Speaker 4: for it, or it won't happen.

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Speaker 2: I wonder, like, that's that's fascinating. So it's not. It

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Speaker 2: really is more stress related than it is actually the

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Speaker 2: way the body functions.

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Speaker 1: It makes sense, It makes sense. Yeah, stress is the

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Speaker 1: killer of everything, including your libido.

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Speaker 4: It definitely is. It's a big one.

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Speaker 2: Okay. Throutples and open relationships are increasingly becoming more and

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Speaker 2: more popular and more like you know, oh yeah, oh yeah.

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Speaker 2: And I have a lot of I have a lot

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Speaker 2: of friends who actually are in very like successful loving

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Speaker 2: threatle relationships, which is wild. Yeah, when I talk to

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Speaker 2: them about it, I'm always fascinated because I'm like, this

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Speaker 2: is so fascinating because I find that there's sort of

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Speaker 2: a lack of possessiveness that they have to have in

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Speaker 2: order to exist in this relationship and their whole theory

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Speaker 2: of like I don't want I don't want to get

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Speaker 2: in the way of my partner's life, whole life experience.

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Speaker 2: I am like personally, like I would go fucking crazy.

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Speaker 2: There's way I would be able, I'd be like I

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Speaker 2: would find that I would find myself feeling insecure or

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Speaker 2: or or you know, maybe having a you know, feeling jealous,

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Speaker 2: envious of different kinds of connection. But when I talk

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Speaker 2: to my friends about it, they're like, it goes through

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Speaker 2: different waves, Like sometimes I feel more connected to my

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Speaker 2: female partner, and sometimes I feel moments of more connection

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Speaker 2: with my male partner, and vice versa. Sometimes I'm out

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Speaker 2: in the world and I'm being more independent and they're

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Speaker 2: more connected. But like her whole thing is like when

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Speaker 2: we when I feel that sense of need, I realized

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Speaker 2: that it's not coming from them, It's actually coming from me.

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Speaker 2: What is it that I need in order to exist

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Speaker 2: in this relationship in a better way? And I'm like,

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Speaker 2: this is so evolved.

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Speaker 4: Yes, well, I was.

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Speaker 1: Going to my question, is the evolution of sex? Is

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Speaker 1: this where we're heading?

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Speaker 4: Well, yes, and no, I think we could talk about

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Speaker 4: the reasons why I think it's happening. But what you're saying, Kate,

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Speaker 4: is really and what you're describing is so true. And

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Speaker 4: this is my experience. Very few thrupples open relationships survive

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Speaker 4: because they don't have what you're describing you have to

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Speaker 4: be so emotionally mature and attuned and taking care of

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Speaker 4: your own stuff and not possessive and not jealous. And

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Speaker 4: all of us like to think that we're not possessive

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Speaker 4: and jealous, but most of us are. I certainly am.

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Speaker 4: I mean I have that part of me. So you

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Speaker 4: have to be so evolved psychologically and emotionally and have

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Speaker 4: healed so many wounds, and be so good at communication

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Speaker 4: and authenticity and honesty. And the truth is, most of us,

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Speaker 4: unless we've been in poop tons of therapy, and I

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Speaker 4: have tons of work and are committed to really keeping

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Speaker 4: the communications so clean and pure and taking responsibily for

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Speaker 4: our own stuff. Not just us, but everyone else in the

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Speaker 4: open relationship or the thruple has to be doing that.

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Speaker 4: It very rarely works because of that, but when it does,

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Speaker 4: it's because everyone's doing that so effectively. And I think

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Speaker 4: part of the reason that's been evolving, and that's really

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Speaker 4: the reason I wrote Sex Magic is I didn't think,

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Speaker 4: I mean, this is my tenth book. I didn't think

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Speaker 4: I had another sex book in me, you know. I

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Speaker 4: was like, I've said everything about how to give oral sex,

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Speaker 4: how to deal with uneven design, like I've done it all,

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Speaker 4: but through and after the pandemic I noticed a huge shift.

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Speaker 4: And part of it, honestly, is because pornhub went free

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Speaker 4: and ev and everyone was stuck at home just you know,

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Speaker 4: so all kinds of stuff started evolving out of that.

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Speaker 4: And then coming out of that people were like, look,

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Speaker 4: I want to live differently. And also I think this

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Speaker 4: generation of like thirty five and under is kind of

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Speaker 4: looking at sex and relationships differently. And that's part of

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Speaker 4: it too. And by the way, we are not designed

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Speaker 4: for monogamy for life, where actually we evolved to be

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Speaker 4: serially monogamous, you know, like actually the number one the

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Speaker 4: divorce rate across the world is when the youngest the

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Speaker 4: highest divorce rate is when the youngest child reaches three years,

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Speaker 4: which is really from an evolutionary perspective, this is how

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Speaker 4: we anthropologists believe and archaeologists believe. We've created these sex

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Speaker 4: contracts where the woman would say, Okay, I'm only gonna

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Speaker 4: have sex with you so you can be sure these

377
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Speaker 4: genes are yours, and in exchange, you hunt for us,

378
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Speaker 4: you protect us because I can't do it because I'm

379
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Speaker 4: taking care of this infant and then when the infant

380
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Speaker 4: can go on my back or walk alongside me while

381
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Speaker 4: I'm gathering and doing my usual thing, then we'll part ways.

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Speaker 4: And monogamy was developed as an economic thing and then

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Speaker 4: became a religious thing. And monogamy for life. I mean,

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Speaker 4: we died at fifty if we were lucky to live

385
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Speaker 4: that long, right now, monogamy for life is till we're

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Speaker 4: one hundred.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it's so funny you said that. I know this

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Speaker 1: isn't my idea obviously, but I thought the exact same

389
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Speaker 1: thing like six months ago, because I was having a

390
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Speaker 1: conversation with someone and I was like, well, wait a minute,

391
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Speaker 1: when you fucking think about it, we lived like thirty five,

392
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Speaker 1: so you're only married for like five years. You just

393
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Speaker 1: die now, it's like you lived till one hundred and

394
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Speaker 1: sixty eight and you're like, I love you, baby, Like

395
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Speaker 1: happy hundred year aniversary. Jesus Christ.

396
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Speaker 4: You know it's a lot, so it's a lot of work.

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Speaker 1: But how do you maintain monogamy?

398
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Speaker 2: Then?

399
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Speaker 1: I mean, how do you just? I mean, I know

400
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Speaker 1: it's been evolved, not out of us, but to at

401
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:05,560
Speaker 1: least fifty percent statistically, but you know, you have to

402
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,160
Speaker 1: work at monogamy, you have to try it hard.

403
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Speaker 4: Yeah, that whole myth that it's supposed to be effortless

404
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:12,880
Speaker 4: if it's love.

405
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Speaker 1: Is a rock of right.

406
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:23,080
Speaker 4: Yeah. No, it requires constant commitment and recommitment, really attending

407
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Speaker 4: to the nurturing and the feeding of your connection, and

408
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Speaker 4: real honesty. You know, one of the things that I

409
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Speaker 4: counsel my couples on all the time is really about

410
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Speaker 4: how to be honest. Like I was. You know, I

411
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,760
Speaker 4: was on a business trip and I noticed that I

412
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Speaker 4: was really attracted and I started flirting with the woman

413
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Speaker 4: sitting next to me, And you know, I'm tuning in

414
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:47,639
Speaker 4: and tapping into the fact that I need more of

415
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Speaker 4: that energy in this relationship. So I'm going to take

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Speaker 4: responsibility on my end for creating more of that.

417
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Speaker 2: I love you saying this because I think these are

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Speaker 2: the things that people think it would hurt the partner,

419
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Speaker 2: but I actually think that's how you It's it's like

420
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Speaker 2: almost like being in denial.

421
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Speaker 4: But also, you know, a big part of successful long

422
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Speaker 4: term relationships is each of you taking your one hundred percent.

423
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Speaker 4: So it's one thing if you go to your partner

424
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Speaker 4: and say this isn't working for me, I'm not happy.

425
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Speaker 4: I'm looking over a year versus like, what's my one

426
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,480
Speaker 4: hundred percent? I want more romance? How am I not

427
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:26,359
Speaker 4: showing up welcoming romance or being initiating romance more? I

428
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,920
Speaker 4: want more play? What am I not? You know? So

429
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Speaker 4: I'm I'm here saying this is missing and this is

430
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Speaker 4: what I'm committed to doing on my end. Will you

431
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:36,879
Speaker 4: join me?

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Speaker 1: Laura?

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Speaker 2: Do you find that women are better at that than men?

434
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Speaker 2: I find in my experience women that women like I.

435
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Speaker 2: It is not hard for me to say this is

436
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 2: what I need. Yeah, but I find that it's you.

437
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 2: Like anytime I'm sitting with a group of women, it's

438
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:58,600
Speaker 2: always about, like I've said it, I've been saying it

439
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 2: for years, this is what I need. I couldn't have

440
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,639
Speaker 2: I put it out on a platter for him. I

441
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:09,679
Speaker 2: gave him every opportunity to know exactly what it was

442
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 2: that I needed, and he could never show up for it.

443
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,680
Speaker 2: It's a very it feels like a very common thing

444
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,920
Speaker 2: that women, you know, share with each other a lot.

445
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:22,240
Speaker 2: I know, I've experienced it. And then what happens is

446
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,440
Speaker 2: then women are just done.

447
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 4: Yeah. Eventually it's like a door closes.

448
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,000
Speaker 2: A door closes, a light switch goes off, and then

449
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,440
Speaker 2: the man is like, what the.

450
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:35,400
Speaker 4: Fuck that happens?

451
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:41,600
Speaker 2: First clenched to close, locked, Yeah, but then the men

452
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 2: and then men are sitting there going what happened?

453
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:50,439
Speaker 4: What I mean? Part of that is because you know,

454
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:53,680
Speaker 4: like I do see a lot of like so many

455
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,480
Speaker 4: couples come in and she's like, I've been telling him

456
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 4: I need more romance and he's like, I am romantic.

457
00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:03,080
Speaker 4: I bring you flowers once a week, and you know,

458
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,359
Speaker 4: and she's so, and she's like, no, that's not what

459
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,679
Speaker 4: I mean, you know, but she's so. It's not just

460
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:12,280
Speaker 4: saying what you need. Men need an instruction manual. They need.

461
00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 4: So I'll sit down and be like, okay, what are

462
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,680
Speaker 4: the things that you you know, let's give him a

463
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,439
Speaker 4: twenty item list of things that are romantic to you,

464
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,399
Speaker 4: because that's a different definition for everyone else. If he

465
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 4: has a direction and specific ideas, most men, if he's

466
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:32,919
Speaker 4: motivated and is invested in the relationship, will do that.

467
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,560
Speaker 4: But what you're saying about the emotional attunement and his

468
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,639
Speaker 4: ability to kind of be able to talk about and

469
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:43,280
Speaker 4: even access his feelings, much less articulate them, that is

470
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:46,880
Speaker 4: not something most men were raised to even know how

471
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,800
Speaker 4: to do. I can't tell you how many men sit

472
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,679
Speaker 4: in my office and as we start to talk, they

473
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:54,480
Speaker 4: can't even tell me how they feel in the moment

474
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,960
Speaker 4: that they're listening to their partners say X y Z

475
00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,359
Speaker 4: to them, and I'm like, okay, so I have to

476
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,520
Speaker 4: go to like, are you what are you feeling in

477
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,960
Speaker 4: your body right now? Scan your Okay, I'm feeling tightness

478
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,680
Speaker 4: in my back, Okay, that's anger. I'm feeling tightness in

479
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 4: my chest. Okay, that's fear. So I sometimes have to

480
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,480
Speaker 4: like start with the body to get them to start

481
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 4: having an emotional vocabulary that they've never even been able

482
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,480
Speaker 4: to access before. And it's our It's been our faults.

483
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,000
Speaker 2: I love that. I love that because we do hold

484
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,720
Speaker 2: in our body energetically so much. I feel like, and

485
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,720
Speaker 2: maybe I know that people sometimes think it's like, oh,

486
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:33,480
Speaker 2: it's all like hoiti doity kind of out up in

487
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:37,119
Speaker 2: the stars and in that you know, you know, fairy

488
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,080
Speaker 2: dust realm. But I really feel like a huge part

489
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:46,600
Speaker 2: of sex is being connected to your spiritual center and

490
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,280
Speaker 2: like how you're able to let go, like how you're

491
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,240
Speaker 2: able to open up where you hold like all those

492
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:53,480
Speaker 2: things you're talking about.

493
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,560
Speaker 4: Fame and.

494
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,199
Speaker 2: So much when you talk about fear, I think so

495
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 2: much of that happens in there's like two extremes. I mean,

496
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,400
Speaker 2: there's a lot of extreme it's such a huge spectrum.

497
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 2: But you find that like some people find sex to

498
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:15,639
Speaker 2: be the outlet. It's where they can be everything that

499
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,840
Speaker 2: they can't be on the outside. It's why it ends

500
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:23,159
Speaker 2: up becoming a secret world for them. Yeah, and then

501
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,080
Speaker 2: there's the other side, which is then the other thing,

502
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:28,320
Speaker 2: which is like then when you have an intimate partner,

503
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:32,479
Speaker 2: then sex to be able to really open up and

504
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 2: to be vulnerable and intimate with someone becomes something so

505
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 2: you feel very exposed.

506
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 4: Yes, because the stakes are much higher.

507
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,720
Speaker 2: Right right, And I guess the question is is like

508
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,880
Speaker 2: how does one work with their body in order to

509
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 2: actually be able to open up more connection to their

510
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:55,600
Speaker 2: partner versus like keeping it held in, do you know?

511
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 4: Yeah? Well, so part of what you're talking about are inhibitions, right,

512
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:02,840
Speaker 4: And part of it are all the messages that we've internalized,

513
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:05,200
Speaker 4: not just that we got growing up about what's okay

514
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 4: and not okay sexually, what a nice girl does and

515
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,000
Speaker 4: doesn't do it even if intellectually at this point we

516
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 4: don't subscribe to it. That there's a part of us

517
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 4: inside us that still does and any kind of trauma

518
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 4: or betrayal or humiliation or any of those things that

519
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:21,880
Speaker 4: have happened to us along the way, the body keeps

520
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:25,840
Speaker 4: the score. I'll uh, you know, besil vandercolt. So so

521
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,200
Speaker 4: that's a huge part of the work that I do.

522
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:29,880
Speaker 4: That's a huge part of what I wrote about in

523
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:35,200
Speaker 4: the book is a tuning. It's all about your body

524
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 4: is your transceiver. It's not only how you put energy out,

525
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:42,160
Speaker 4: it's how you receive energy. And from a sexual standpoint,

526
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:45,479
Speaker 4: one of the most beautiful things you can do is

527
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:49,280
Speaker 4: start to there's practices to open up and first a

528
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,080
Speaker 4: tune to where you're holding tension in the body, where

529
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,920
Speaker 4: you're shutting down. Yes, you know, olivert may be your

530
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 4: labia clenching, but sometimes there are other parts of yourself

531
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,400
Speaker 4: and when you can start to attune to that, like

532
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 4: there's a practice, a sematic practice I do with it.

533
00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:04,960
Speaker 2: You say, somatic work.

534
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 4: I love, Yeah, I have all about the somatic work.

535
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:09,280
Speaker 4: And one of my favorite things to do with people

536
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 4: is like, let's say it's a sexual thing, or they're

537
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:14,800
Speaker 4: noticing that this is happening. We'll say, okay, go back

538
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 4: to that last sexual scenario in your mind. Scan your

539
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:21,600
Speaker 4: body where you hold it, you know, where you noticing tightness, clenching, whatever, pain,

540
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 4: and they'll be like, okay, in my belly. And then

541
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 4: we'll go all the way into that will make it bigger,

542
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,120
Speaker 4: and it's so beautiful and fascinating. We'll make it bigger.

543
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,280
Speaker 4: It'll take on a color and a shape, and then

544
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 4: I'll say, okay, first thing that occurs to you, what

545
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:39,640
Speaker 4: is the earliest memory you have of feeling this feeling?

546
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:43,320
Speaker 4: And they'll go immediately without thought to like when I

547
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 4: was seven years old and I you know, my uncle

548
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:50,360
Speaker 4: Bill said X y Z to me when I was

549
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 4: dancing around the kitchen, and you know, I felt tremendous

550
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 4: shame and whatever. Like it's fascinating because as soon as

551
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,560
Speaker 4: you go into the body, the body will inform you

552
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 4: on these places. And then once shame is brought to

553
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:08,000
Speaker 4: the light, so often, especially these little shames that we

554
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:12,840
Speaker 4: don't even know we're carrying, they evaporate, you know, once

555
00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 4: they're brought to light and you look at them with

556
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:18,920
Speaker 4: adult human eyes, you're like, no, that's ridiculous. You know,

557
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,960
Speaker 4: sometimes it's something big that needs to be worked through,

558
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,120
Speaker 4: but more often than not, it's something that we didn't

559
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:27,600
Speaker 4: even know we were carrying. And as you clean that up,

560
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 4: you open the channels and sex at its finest and

561
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,520
Speaker 4: you don't need open relationships and porn and the next

562
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 4: thing to get your dopamine hit. And it's most profound

563
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:42,240
Speaker 4: that feeling of intense excitement is so much more available

564
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:44,560
Speaker 4: to you when you can open the channels and start

565
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 4: moving that sexually sexual energy through you in between you,

566
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 4: And that's like, that's why, you know, that's what sex

567
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:52,000
Speaker 4: magic it's about.

568
00:31:52,560 --> 00:32:06,320
Speaker 2: I love sex magic. Yeah, let's talk about porn because

569
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:09,520
Speaker 2: I feel like this is like a big topic of conversation,

570
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 2: Like also with girls, you know, how much porn do

571
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 2: you watch together? How do you watch porn together? Do

572
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:19,959
Speaker 2: not watch porn together? Do you find that if your

573
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 2: partner's watching porn without you, that's a version of cheating?

574
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:26,680
Speaker 2: Do they hide the fact that they? You know, I

575
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,640
Speaker 2: feel like it's a it's such a thing.

576
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,560
Speaker 1: And also I also have a question along those lines.

577
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:33,480
Speaker 1: I know porn is sort of seen as negative, which

578
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,480
Speaker 1: of course it is. It's infiltrating sort of the young

579
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,520
Speaker 1: minds and giving them a different idea of sex and

580
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 1: what pleasure is and what sexual experience is like. It

581
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,720
Speaker 1: is part of a natural evolution. I say natural because

582
00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:49,520
Speaker 1: everything is evolving naturally, even though through tech. But is

583
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 1: there any positivity to porn?

584
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 4: You know? Well, so this is interesting even for me

585
00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 4: because I've been doing this for thirty years and until

586
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:07,000
Speaker 4: porn Hub went free. I if you ask me this question, unequivocally,

587
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:09,600
Speaker 4: I would say, you know what, there is definitely a

588
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,880
Speaker 4: place for porn in a healthy relationship. I am not

589
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 4: anti porn. I think it can be used as long

590
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,680
Speaker 4: as it's not replacing sex or getting in the way

591
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:23,160
Speaker 4: of sex, you know, keeping in mind that is not

592
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:28,080
Speaker 4: really a reasonable you know, expression of what pleases a

593
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:30,800
Speaker 4: woman and what bodies look like and all of those.

594
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,240
Speaker 4: It's not a good sex education. Let's just put it

595
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 4: that way. Now, I actually feel differently about it because

596
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:43,640
Speaker 4: it has become so accessible and insidious and what happens

597
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,320
Speaker 4: and when they've now started to look at people's brains,

598
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,760
Speaker 4: and this is really fascinating and also scary. What they

599
00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:53,000
Speaker 4: found is when you are looking at porn, so let's

600
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 4: just take a guy who's looking at porn or a

601
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 4: young boy who's looking at porn. You the brain is

602
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,400
Speaker 4: perceiving what you seeing on the screen as two D

603
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 4: not three D. So you're creating a neuropathway and a

604
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:14,600
Speaker 4: brain penis or brain body reaction to a two dimensional object,

605
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,560
Speaker 4: not a three dimensional person. And what they're finding is

606
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:22,920
Speaker 4: so two things. One, the porn stimulates the dopemine centers,

607
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,479
Speaker 4: and that's the same part of the brain that lights

608
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,600
Speaker 4: up when you do coke. It's the addiction part of

609
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:30,120
Speaker 4: the brain. And just like with coke, you need more

610
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 4: and more and more. Well, with porn, it's not just

611
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,520
Speaker 4: more and more and more, you need heightened. Okay, I've

612
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:38,440
Speaker 4: seen enough of the post, you know, the teacher and

613
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:41,040
Speaker 4: the student. Now that doesn't do it for me anymore,

614
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:45,040
Speaker 4: doesn't stimulate me. Now I need s and m Now

615
00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:47,680
Speaker 4: I need choking, Now I need violence. Now you know

616
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:49,520
Speaker 4: you have to keep upping the ante to get the

617
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 4: same effect, So that's kind of dangerous. The second thing

618
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 4: is that you are training the body to respond to

619
00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,799
Speaker 4: two D versus three D. So what they're seeing is

620
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,920
Speaker 4: that men who are watching a lot of porn especially

621
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:05,279
Speaker 4: when they start young, but even for older men are

622
00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:08,200
Speaker 4: having a harder time getting aroused by a three dimensional

623
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:11,120
Speaker 4: woman or man or whoever they're with, so they have

624
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 4: to watch porn in order to get aroused while they're

625
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 4: having sex.

626
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:18,239
Speaker 2: Also, I wonder how it like leads there's all this,

627
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:20,760
Speaker 2: you know, like how it leads into sort of live

628
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:26,320
Speaker 2: like the video you know, all the video stuff, flip brace,

629
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:30,480
Speaker 2: Oh my god. I had a friend who found out

630
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,719
Speaker 2: that their partner was like completely addicted to.

631
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:36,320
Speaker 4: It's really addictive.

632
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 2: And I was just like, yeah, but I think that

633
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:41,239
Speaker 2: goes to the thing like is that I mean, I

634
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:46,640
Speaker 2: guess it's how you define cheating. But I would feel

635
00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 2: so it would feel awful for me if.

636
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 4: I was in that, you know, well historically, like before,

637
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:55,759
Speaker 4: I would have said, okay, don't I get it that

638
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,279
Speaker 4: it makes you feel insecure, but you would have to

639
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:01,480
Speaker 4: understand that this is fantasy, right, and he doesn't want

640
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,319
Speaker 4: to be with that porn star. He wants to be

641
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 4: with you. And all men self stimulate, and this is

642
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 4: just what he's doing.

643
00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:07,920
Speaker 3: Now.

644
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:12,200
Speaker 4: I feel differently because of what's been happening, And I

645
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 4: do think that so many men and women, but it's

646
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:20,280
Speaker 4: mostly men and young boys are getting into this cycle

647
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:24,359
Speaker 4: where they're addicted and they would rather go and you know,

648
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:30,160
Speaker 4: take care of themselves quickly. Watching some porn than engaging

649
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,920
Speaker 4: sex is certain to replace sex with their partner, and

650
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 4: that does feel like a betrayal.

651
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:38,839
Speaker 1: Well, you know, I have a friend who's he got divorced.

652
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:41,880
Speaker 1: He's a long term girlfriend now, but he had about

653
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:45,359
Speaker 1: you know, three years or so being single, and he's

654
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 1: my age, forty nine years old. And it was all

655
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:53,120
Speaker 1: of these twenty five to twenty seven year old girls

656
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:56,120
Speaker 1: who wanted this older older men, and there's like this

657
00:36:56,280 --> 00:37:01,440
Speaker 1: movement for it apparently, and sex was porns, meaning like

658
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:08,919
Speaker 1: everything was based off of what these girls women were watching. Now,

659
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:13,359
Speaker 1: so is this how they feel like they need to

660
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:16,359
Speaker 1: please or is this just it is? But so are

661
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,200
Speaker 1: they or is this just the new.

662
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:20,400
Speaker 4: Norm of how this is what they are being taught

663
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:25,440
Speaker 4: men want? So historically met boys were being poorly sex

664
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:30,040
Speaker 4: educated via porn. Now girls and boys are and so

665
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:33,440
Speaker 4: or so they are thinking, oh, this is what men want. Oh,

666
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:35,359
Speaker 4: if I really want to turn them on, I'm going

667
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:38,240
Speaker 4: to be like a porn star. So choke me, baby,

668
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,560
Speaker 4: you know, hang me from the rafters whatever. And look,

669
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 4: if you're into that, go ahead. But these girls are

670
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,160
Speaker 4: not really into it, you know, and they've lost the

671
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:48,759
Speaker 4: art of fantasy. And I'm a very I was a

672
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,680
Speaker 4: very My youngest is twenty now. But when they were coming,

673
00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:53,759
Speaker 4: you know, I was very open about sex. I was

674
00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:56,880
Speaker 4: that mother that educated them. I had three boys. They

675
00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:59,200
Speaker 4: all knew where the clitterist was, as you know, especially

676
00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:01,960
Speaker 4: as I realized that they were at our sexual you know,

677
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:05,600
Speaker 4: I was. We talked about everything, and I remember we

678
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:07,840
Speaker 4: had a conversation once because I have a line of

679
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 4: sex toys and one of my boys, they were like fourteen,

680
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:12,839
Speaker 4: they had some friends over and he said, hey, mom,

681
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 4: will you give me one of your sex toys? And

682
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:17,120
Speaker 4: I and at this point, I'm starting to realize the

683
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 4: effects of porn, and I said, yes, as long as

684
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:23,000
Speaker 4: you promise that when you use it, you won't always

685
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:27,080
Speaker 4: use it to porn, that sometimes you'll use fantasy. And

686
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,320
Speaker 4: he looked at me like I had six heads and says,

687
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:31,600
Speaker 4: what is fantasy?

688
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:35,279
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh my god, I can't.

689
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 4: Believe, like this is the world we're living in. So

690
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:40,640
Speaker 4: I sat all these boys down and I explained to

691
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 4: them how to fantasize because they don't even know anymore

692
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:46,120
Speaker 4: because it's being fed to them through porn.

693
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:49,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh god, especially with attention spans, and your fantasy

694
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,839
Speaker 1: is gonna last thirty seconds. Be like, wait, I forget this.

695
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,320
Speaker 2: It's so interesting that we've lived in a world where

696
00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:58,160
Speaker 2: like we sort of kept keep all these things very quiet,

697
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:00,480
Speaker 2: as if like that's going to be the right thing

698
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:04,480
Speaker 2: to do, versus demystifying it, which actually makes it much healthier,

699
00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:05,800
Speaker 2: so much healthier.

700
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:08,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, how you guys are having this conversation.

701
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:11,399
Speaker 2: It's so fascinating that, like, yeah, I wonder, I wonder

702
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:14,080
Speaker 2: where that. I mean, I'm sure it's just a construct

703
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:17,640
Speaker 2: that's from you know, ages ago. But just like we do,

704
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:20,360
Speaker 2: there's just certain things you don't discuss.

705
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 4: Now that's our I mean, even on television, on the shows,

706
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 4: I mean, you know this, Okay, there's so much sex,

707
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:31,879
Speaker 4: but nobody talks about it except behind closed doors. We're

708
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:35,759
Speaker 4: watching it. We're watching porn, we're watching it on network television.

709
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:38,640
Speaker 4: Even even on soap operas they're showing tons of sex,

710
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,880
Speaker 4: but we don't talk about it in our own lives.

711
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:44,760
Speaker 4: And even like as I've been doing all the press

712
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,719
Speaker 4: on sex magic. All of a sudden, all of these

713
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:49,880
Speaker 4: television shows, morning shows that I would have gone on

714
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,680
Speaker 4: one hundred times, they're like, oh, we don't talk about sex,

715
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:55,080
Speaker 4: Like what do you mean you don't talk about sex?

716
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,839
Speaker 4: The show that's on two hours after you people are

717
00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:01,200
Speaker 4: having sex, you know, But it's so interesting.

718
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 2: It is interesting. I wonder too, like when you when

719
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:10,319
Speaker 2: you I have Now that I have a girl, I

720
00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 2: notice that like girls, there's so much projection on young

721
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:20,839
Speaker 2: girls when they feel in their power women. I look

722
00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:24,080
Speaker 2: at my little girl and like, if she's feeling good,

723
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:27,000
Speaker 2: or she's dancing a certain way, or she's like her

724
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:30,520
Speaker 2: older brothers or you know, it's like like no, like

725
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:32,920
Speaker 2: you can't do that, you can't move like that, you

726
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:36,279
Speaker 2: can't wear that. Why is she wearing a you know,

727
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:40,560
Speaker 2: a crop top? And I'm like, because she likes it, yeah, yeah,

728
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:43,680
Speaker 2: And in her mind it's not even about anything that

729
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,919
Speaker 2: she's she just feels good.

730
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:48,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, she's not trying to get anyone's attention.

731
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:52,879
Speaker 2: No, And and it's so I find it fascinating how we,

732
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 2: especially women, not men, how we that that that a

733
00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:03,600
Speaker 2: woman's true nature, like her divine feminine yes is very

734
00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:09,600
Speaker 2: early on, like squelched, squelched and told, no, you cannot

735
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:13,719
Speaker 2: behave this way. You cannot be in that power, you

736
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:18,480
Speaker 2: cannot be that feminine or that expressive with it. You

737
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:23,080
Speaker 2: cannot show sensuality, you know. And then you become and

738
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:26,240
Speaker 2: then you become you know, you get shamed for it. Yes,

739
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:29,560
Speaker 2: and you see it on you see it on digital media,

740
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:33,279
Speaker 2: you see it all over the place. Yeah, and we're

741
00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:35,319
Speaker 2: still doing it. It's like it's like I find it.

742
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:36,399
Speaker 2: It's like a programming.

743
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 4: It is absolutely a programming, and it's so misogynistic and

744
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:45,319
Speaker 4: it's also basically victim blaming. It's saying to women, to

745
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,319
Speaker 4: little girls all the way through, in this really insidious way,

746
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:53,359
Speaker 4: you have to shut this down because men can't control themselves, right,

747
00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:58,080
Speaker 4: and so in order to be safe and to be respected,

748
00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:02,480
Speaker 4: you can't be essential being, you know. And and there's

749
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:06,720
Speaker 4: this insidious shutdown of it that in what you're watching,

750
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:08,839
Speaker 4: and they're doing it innocently, and her brothers are being

751
00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:10,960
Speaker 4: protective and they know what. You know, I get all

752
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:14,520
Speaker 4: of that, but what's happening in citiously you're watching in

753
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:20,080
Speaker 4: real time these little stickers that go over, you know,

754
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:23,719
Speaker 4: the beams of light right like that, just start tamping

755
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:28,440
Speaker 4: down her liveness, her sensuality, her ability to feel comfortable

756
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:31,360
Speaker 4: in her body, her true nature, her true nature.

757
00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:34,080
Speaker 1: But is there a line of what's appropriate?

758
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:36,400
Speaker 4: Well, the same what I was about to say to

759
00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 4: your question, Oliver, is that on the flip side, what

760
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:45,960
Speaker 4: I'm also seeing, especially among tween and teen girls, is

761
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:48,200
Speaker 4: that And just like you were talking about the guy

762
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:51,640
Speaker 4: with the young women, you know, asking, you know, it's

763
00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:56,440
Speaker 4: like they are being taught. It's this conflicted message, don't

764
00:42:56,680 --> 00:43:01,239
Speaker 4: be in your sensuality. But if you want attention, if

765
00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:06,880
Speaker 4: you want likes, then you've got to sexualize yourself. You

766
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,319
Speaker 4: got to show the butt shot with you looking over

767
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:10,719
Speaker 4: your shoulder in the in the.

768
00:43:10,719 --> 00:43:14,560
Speaker 1: Bikini in which you see so much of But yeah,

769
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:19,640
Speaker 1: but you're also dealing with what I do too, authenticity,

770
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:24,480
Speaker 1: authentic sensuality versus sort of I need clicks and likes to.

771
00:43:24,719 --> 00:43:27,400
Speaker 4: Yes, and what's the motivation? And what I see is

772
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:32,279
Speaker 4: that girls are doing this in mass not because you know,

773
00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,400
Speaker 4: I love the way my butt looks and I'm just

774
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:37,200
Speaker 4: feeling it in the moment, but that this is how

775
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:40,279
Speaker 4: I know I will get likes. This is and and

776
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:42,480
Speaker 4: this is the interesting thing. I'll never forget. This was

777
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:45,520
Speaker 4: one episode I did with on the Oprah Show years ago.

778
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:48,320
Speaker 4: Years ago, I met with a bunch of middle school

779
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:52,160
Speaker 4: girls and we started talking about sex, and they taught

780
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:55,399
Speaker 4: me something really powerful that I've continued to confirm through

781
00:43:55,400 --> 00:44:02,240
Speaker 4: the years. That girls will sexualize them they'll send naked pictures,

782
00:44:02,239 --> 00:44:05,359
Speaker 4: they'll do whatever to the boy that asks, especially if

783
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:08,400
Speaker 4: he's a popular boy or a desirable boy. So she

784
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,000
Speaker 4: will objectify herself. She will move beyond her boundaries of

785
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:18,320
Speaker 4: comfort to keep his attention. Not for him. What she's

786
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:22,040
Speaker 4: wanting is for him to be interested in her because

787
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:25,719
Speaker 4: that makes her more popular with the other girls if

788
00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:29,279
Speaker 4: she has access to the popular boys or the desirable

789
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 4: boys the other girls, so it's social collateral. But at

790
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:37,400
Speaker 4: the same time, then she's being slept shamed by the girls.

791
00:44:37,719 --> 00:44:41,919
Speaker 4: So it's like this whole messed up bullying toxicity.

792
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:45,680
Speaker 2: I just worry about girls in this next generation because

793
00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:49,440
Speaker 2: you know, but then again, it's like I worry about

794
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:52,000
Speaker 2: girls and I and then I'm not because we're so

795
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:58,840
Speaker 2: tough because we've been deueling with some sort of version

796
00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:02,879
Speaker 2: of this for or forever, So you know, it's it's

797
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:05,400
Speaker 2: just a change. But I just it's the changing of

798
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:10,080
Speaker 2: the you know, kind of like how we're you know again,

799
00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:13,440
Speaker 2: like how we're dealing with this sort of social aspect of.

800
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:16,879
Speaker 1: Oh, it's so crazy to watch the kids growing up

801
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,040
Speaker 1: and I have eighteen, fifteen and twelve, two boys in

802
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:20,960
Speaker 1: a little girl and watching how it's all sort of

803
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:25,719
Speaker 1: evolving and what there's how they perceive sexuality and perceive girls,

804
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,200
Speaker 1: and you know, I walk around there, you know, you

805
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:29,880
Speaker 1: drop them off at school and you look at what

806
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:34,640
Speaker 1: how how people generally girls are dressing now versus when

807
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:36,560
Speaker 1: I was in middle school in high school, and I'm like,

808
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:41,200
Speaker 1: holy shit, I'm like, you got what. And the boys

809
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,160
Speaker 1: are just they're like, Dad, you're nuts, Like this is

810
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:45,000
Speaker 1: just what it is.

811
00:45:45,080 --> 00:45:47,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, they don't even know they're they're kind of immune

812
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:47,840
Speaker 4: to it.

813
00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:50,640
Speaker 1: They're immune to it one hundred percent. When you're dealing

814
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 1: with boys growing up now, going through puberty and sort

815
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: of this primal nature going back to the primal side

816
00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:01,480
Speaker 1: of things, and watching sort of how the landscape and

817
00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:04,680
Speaker 1: society is shifting, you know, and them sort of wrestling

818
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:08,680
Speaker 1: with this idea of I feel these not aggressive, but

819
00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:11,919
Speaker 1: I feel these sexual feelings towards these girls, but now

820
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:13,799
Speaker 1: I sort of have to be careful with it and

821
00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:16,759
Speaker 1: hold it in. Do you see anything sort of that

822
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,960
Speaker 1: is shifted in a way with sort of this, you know,

823
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:24,760
Speaker 1: after the me too movements and all of that stuff.

824
00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:28,280
Speaker 4: Well, I think it's really important from the time they're early, early, early,

825
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:31,279
Speaker 4: teaching them about consent, like when they're hugging each other

826
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:34,080
Speaker 4: as little kids. You know, oh, John, you know, Susie

827
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:35,680
Speaker 4: says she doesn't want to be hugged, you know, So

828
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:38,400
Speaker 4: teaching them on and on and on about consent, and

829
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:41,920
Speaker 4: when I was doing, you know, sex education of your

830
00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:45,640
Speaker 4: kids should be an ongoing conversation, right, not just one talk.

831
00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:49,279
Speaker 4: So in those conversations you're always talking about, like I've

832
00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:52,920
Speaker 4: talked to my boys, not only about getting consent every

833
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,279
Speaker 4: step of the way, and that their partner even if

834
00:46:55,320 --> 00:46:58,840
Speaker 4: you've gotten you know, bird base or whatever, or you know,

835
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:02,239
Speaker 4: if she's ready to stop, you got to stop, but

836
00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:06,800
Speaker 4: also that if she's been under if she's taken anything,

837
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:10,480
Speaker 4: or is the slightest bit drunk, which frankly for us

838
00:47:10,640 --> 00:47:14,640
Speaker 4: was not the case, right. You know, you cannot assume

839
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:17,879
Speaker 4: she can give consent like that from a me too.

840
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:20,759
Speaker 4: Perspective is a really big deal. And I've seen so

841
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 4: many boys, especially college age boys taken down kicked out

842
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:28,640
Speaker 4: of school, like hardcore because they were at you know,

843
00:47:28,719 --> 00:47:32,000
Speaker 4: some frat party. The girl was drunk, but like was

844
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 4: into it and then I don't mean to blame her,

845
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:37,880
Speaker 4: and I'm not saying she meant to give consent, but like,

846
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:41,440
Speaker 4: that's why we have to educate boys about that piece

847
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:44,799
Speaker 4: and about you know really and the porn thing I'm

848
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:47,640
Speaker 4: telling you is huge. Like once you tell a boy,

849
00:47:47,719 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 4: listen if you want, and it's the truth. If you

850
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,560
Speaker 4: watch too much poorn, you're gonna have a hard time

851
00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 4: getting it up with a real woman. They will not

852
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:59,799
Speaker 4: watch as much poor. That's the truth, and I think

853
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,840
Speaker 4: need to be educated about that because we're seeing a

854
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:07,720
Speaker 4: huge increase in young men and boys addicted to porn

855
00:48:07,800 --> 00:48:10,840
Speaker 4: and unable to function sexually in the real world.

856
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,480
Speaker 1: Not to mention how their palms will get hair. That

857
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 1: survey too much.

858
00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 4: And that's a bit.

859
00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:29,480
Speaker 1: Tell us to shame us. Masturbate your palms will get hairy.

860
00:48:29,719 --> 00:48:50,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, that so money.

861
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:45,279
Speaker 1: Real quickly, just getting back to the couples, like what

862
00:48:45,360 --> 00:48:48,359
Speaker 1: is the what is the most common thing that you

863
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:52,640
Speaker 1: see in your practice from a sexual standpoint with couples,

864
00:48:53,239 --> 00:48:56,000
Speaker 1: and and sort of how they can disconnect or how

865
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:56,719
Speaker 1: they can get back.

866
00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:00,680
Speaker 4: Well, it's really uneven desire and and and there's several

867
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:02,960
Speaker 4: things that I'll just tell you a real quick litany

868
00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:07,000
Speaker 4: you want to really invest, like I was saying it before,

869
00:49:07,080 --> 00:49:10,280
Speaker 4: even if you need to schedule sex, embrace it, don't

870
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:13,400
Speaker 4: scoff at it. You will start to look forward to it.

871
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:17,280
Speaker 4: You'll start to anticipate it. But it's also about building

872
00:49:17,320 --> 00:49:21,080
Speaker 4: that romantic and emotional connection. So there's simple things you

873
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:23,400
Speaker 4: can do. Most couples don't talk more than fifteen minutes

874
00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:26,520
Speaker 4: a week about things other than the logistics of their lives.

875
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:29,520
Speaker 4: So even if you spend an extra fifteen minutes with

876
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:32,600
Speaker 4: all technology off, in fact, try to give yourself an

877
00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:35,839
Speaker 4: hour a day hanging out at least without your technology

878
00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:38,520
Speaker 4: near you. But if you have fifteen minutes a week

879
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,399
Speaker 4: where you're just listening to music, talking about things other

880
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:46,719
Speaker 4: than logistics, kissing and cuddling without it leading anywhere, that's

881
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:49,759
Speaker 4: a huge help. If you go. It turns out if

882
00:49:49,800 --> 00:49:52,120
Speaker 4: you go on a vacation alone, and I don't mean

883
00:49:52,120 --> 00:49:54,640
Speaker 4: a family trip because that's not a vacation. But if

884
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:57,520
Speaker 4: you go on a vacation alone once a year for

885
00:49:57,719 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 4: like five to seven days, will do more for your

886
00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:05,480
Speaker 4: relationship than a weekly date night. Five genuine expressions of

887
00:50:05,520 --> 00:50:09,160
Speaker 4: appreciation a day, even for things they're supposed to be

888
00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:12,120
Speaker 4: doing or is their role in the relationship trains the

889
00:50:12,239 --> 00:50:15,640
Speaker 4: lens that you're looking at them through away from because

890
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:18,200
Speaker 4: you're going to find evidence for whatever you're thinking. If

891
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:22,600
Speaker 4: you think he's selfish, you will find evidence, right. So

892
00:50:22,680 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 4: when you start to look for things to appreciate, that

893
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:31,120
Speaker 4: trains your lens toward appreciation, and you're expressing that to them,

894
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:34,200
Speaker 4: and then that models for them to express it back

895
00:50:34,200 --> 00:50:37,560
Speaker 4: to you. If you give each other a thirty second hug.

896
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:39,839
Speaker 4: I do this with my husband every morning. We've been

897
00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:43,920
Speaker 4: together twenty five years. Hug heart to heart and just

898
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:47,480
Speaker 4: send love from your heart into theirs for thirty seconds.

899
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:50,440
Speaker 4: It's a long time, and say in your mind, I

900
00:50:50,719 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 4: choose you, or out loud, I choose you today. Because

901
00:50:54,239 --> 00:50:56,600
Speaker 4: when you're in choice in the relationship, you're out of

902
00:50:56,600 --> 00:51:00,279
Speaker 4: that codependence. Right you can get your needs met and

903
00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:03,480
Speaker 4: a ten second kiss several times a day. These are

904
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:05,840
Speaker 4: just like what I was saying about the Karen feeding

905
00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:06,640
Speaker 4: of your connection.

906
00:51:07,520 --> 00:51:10,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, doctor Gottman was was my therapist.

907
00:51:10,920 --> 00:51:13,759
Speaker 4: Ah, so you're he had the.

908
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:18,480
Speaker 2: Six second kiss, you know, and all of his cards

909
00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:20,400
Speaker 2: and the things that he does. He was he was

910
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:22,560
Speaker 2: such a wonderful person to learn from.

911
00:51:22,640 --> 00:51:23,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, he's amazing.

912
00:51:23,760 --> 00:51:25,359
Speaker 1: Well you got it. I've got one more to add

913
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:25,799
Speaker 1: to your list.

914
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:26,280
Speaker 4: Okay.

915
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:28,400
Speaker 1: It's called sexual Jenga.

916
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:29,839
Speaker 4: Okay, let's see.

917
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,759
Speaker 1: Because what I did with my wife years and years

918
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:36,720
Speaker 1: and years ago, it actually started on honeymoon. We turnboard games.

919
00:51:36,719 --> 00:51:38,600
Speaker 1: We did Yatzi, but Jenga is a good. When you

920
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:42,399
Speaker 1: did yati, you turn it into a sexual four play game,

921
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:45,319
Speaker 1: and so sexual Jenga you write on the blocks what

922
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,120
Speaker 1: you want done to you or what you want to

923
00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:50,480
Speaker 1: do to your part, very specific about it, like one

924
00:51:50,719 --> 00:51:54,120
Speaker 1: second or like thirty second, like hand job or whatever

925
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:56,160
Speaker 1: it is, and then you pull it out. But then

926
00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:59,720
Speaker 1: you have to stop. So it builds up this intensity

927
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:02,799
Speaker 1: where then eventually you just can't take it.

928
00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:05,600
Speaker 2: But what happens if the jag falls.

929
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:12,399
Speaker 1: You're like a cabinet or or yazi. Instead of doing

930
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:14,359
Speaker 1: the you know, full house or the three of a kind,

931
00:52:14,400 --> 00:52:17,000
Speaker 1: you write in what you have done to yourself. You

932
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:18,960
Speaker 1: can do twister or twister.

933
00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:23,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, Doctor Lord, will you come back and talk to

934
00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:25,560
Speaker 2: us again because I would love to, And then will

935
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,520
Speaker 2: you just give us before we leave? You know why

936
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:30,920
Speaker 2: did you write Sex Magic? Where did this come from?

937
00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:31,919
Speaker 3: Why?

938
00:52:31,960 --> 00:52:32,640
Speaker 2: Another book?

939
00:52:32,920 --> 00:52:33,200
Speaker 4: You know?

940
00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:33,480
Speaker 2: What?

941
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:33,719
Speaker 4: Like?

942
00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:36,040
Speaker 2: What moved you to do it? And what do you want?

943
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:37,160
Speaker 2: What person?

944
00:52:37,360 --> 00:52:37,440
Speaker 4: Like?

945
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:39,120
Speaker 2: What are they going to get from this book that

946
00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:40,479
Speaker 2: you hope that they get from.

947
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 4: It's really about how to create that intense excitement and

948
00:52:45,200 --> 00:52:48,080
Speaker 4: long term or any relationship. It's for singles and people

949
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:51,680
Speaker 4: in relationship. But I wrote it because people are looking

950
00:52:51,719 --> 00:52:54,319
Speaker 4: for that jobamine hit. They're looking they're looking in all

951
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:59,319
Speaker 4: the wrong places for excited intensity, which is that erotic excitement.

952
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:02,200
Speaker 4: And and I could give you know I don't. I've

953
00:53:02,239 --> 00:53:04,120
Speaker 4: done all the books giving you all the tips, tools,

954
00:53:04,200 --> 00:53:06,759
Speaker 4: role plays and everything. And that's fine. And I love

955
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:12,919
Speaker 4: that this is making sex into a sacred energy exchange.

956
00:53:13,120 --> 00:53:16,520
Speaker 4: It's teaching you how to access the energy of your sexuality.

957
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:19,200
Speaker 4: So it's not just located in your genitals, but you

958
00:53:19,239 --> 00:53:21,359
Speaker 4: can run it through your body, you can circle it

959
00:53:21,400 --> 00:53:24,520
Speaker 4: between you. It teaches you to release the inhibitions that

960
00:53:24,560 --> 00:53:27,760
Speaker 4: are in the way and really connect on a deeper,

961
00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:32,439
Speaker 4: profound level emotionally, but especially essentially and sexually. And that's

962
00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:35,200
Speaker 4: really what I've been teaching my couples for years. But

963
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:37,399
Speaker 4: it finally dawned on me, like, Oh, this is what

964
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:39,680
Speaker 4: people are looking for when they keep asking me, how

965
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 4: do you spice it up? How do you spice it up?

966
00:53:42,040 --> 00:53:45,400
Speaker 4: They're looking for intense excitement, They're looking for that feeling.

967
00:53:45,560 --> 00:53:48,240
Speaker 4: So that's what I'm teaching you to do in sex magic.

968
00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:52,320
Speaker 4: And it uses all those ancient techniques. It's basically making

969
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 4: modern and accessible Contra Kundalini, Kambasutra, Taoism. They knew how

970
00:53:58,120 --> 00:54:01,480
Speaker 4: to get down, they knew how to create these feelings.

971
00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:04,600
Speaker 4: And it even teaches you how to use sexual energy

972
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:06,920
Speaker 4: to manifest.

973
00:54:06,680 --> 00:54:09,680
Speaker 2: And I do that a lot. Just yeah, I think

974
00:54:09,800 --> 00:54:10,320
Speaker 2: I think.

975
00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:12,520
Speaker 4: You're a sex magician, Kate. I think that.

976
00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:14,840
Speaker 1: Jesus you heard.

977
00:54:14,680 --> 00:54:15,759
Speaker 2: It here, everybody.

978
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:19,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, one more, just one more thing. I think you

979
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:22,160
Speaker 1: should do a pamphlet next, just called the Quickie. And

980
00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:23,920
Speaker 1: it's just a three page pamphlet.

981
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:25,120
Speaker 2: Oh I love a quickie.

982
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:27,279
Speaker 1: A pamphlet.

983
00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:34,160
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. This was so fun. I'm seriously,

984
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:35,440
Speaker 2: we could talk about this forever.

985
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:35,960
Speaker 3: I know.

986
00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:38,200
Speaker 4: It was great being with you guys.

987
00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:42,880
Speaker 2: All right, well, we'll see you again soon, Okay. I

988
00:54:43,080 --> 00:54:43,480
Speaker 2: love that.

989
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:44,760
Speaker 1: Ollie.

990
00:54:44,880 --> 00:54:46,200
Speaker 2: I'm a sex magician.

991
00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:48,040
Speaker 1: No, you're not.

992
00:54:48,520 --> 00:54:48,960
Speaker 4: I am.

993
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:52,240
Speaker 2: I am, actually, And you know what, even even if

994
00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:57,680
Speaker 2: I wasn't, I am. Now, even if I wasn't, it

995
00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:01,839
Speaker 2: is now how I'm going to defun a huge part

996
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:02,040
Speaker 2: of it.

997
00:55:02,239 --> 00:55:04,880
Speaker 1: Fine, I'll give you that. Then I'm self proclaimed a

998
00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:10,520
Speaker 1: sexual guru. Oh God, that was.

999
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:13,440
Speaker 2: So fun, isn't it amazing? I really do find it

1000
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:16,560
Speaker 2: interesting how people don't talk about sex enough.

1001
00:55:16,360 --> 00:55:18,640
Speaker 1: You know, and I love talking about it.

1002
00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:20,080
Speaker 2: Well, everybody does.

1003
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,560
Speaker 1: Well, it's fascinating, not just talking about like the in

1004
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:24,680
Speaker 1: and the the in and out of it all. There's

1005
00:55:24,719 --> 00:55:28,200
Speaker 1: just the deeper aspects of sex and sexuality and it's

1006
00:55:28,280 --> 00:55:32,799
Speaker 1: just so important and what drives us such a huge.

1007
00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:35,440
Speaker 2: Energy for huge energy for yeah, I mean, it's so

1008
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 2: much of it. When she talks about manifest manifest like

1009
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:41,719
Speaker 2: it's actually like a real thing where it's like at

1010
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:45,280
Speaker 2: the height of orgasm, what you're putting out is actually

1011
00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:48,360
Speaker 2: one of the great manifesting tools. I'm sure she talks about.

1012
00:55:48,160 --> 00:55:51,960
Speaker 1: It, and I guess I mean maybe for a woman

1013
00:55:52,040 --> 00:55:53,680
Speaker 1: for a man. All that he puts out is like

1014
00:55:53,719 --> 00:55:55,320
Speaker 1: a couple of millimeters of goo.

1015
00:55:55,960 --> 00:56:00,360
Speaker 2: Oh now I don't want to talk to you about.

1016
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:03,160
Speaker 1: All right.

1017
00:56:03,280 --> 00:56:08,640
Speaker 2: I love you on the other side,