Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now every rust.
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Speaker 1: now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go
Speaker 1: listen to see you by, Hey, what's good job? We
Speaker 1: recorded these episodes before all the news about COVID nineteen broke.
Speaker 1: We wanted to let you know that we're here for
Speaker 1: you and we hope that you enjoyed these episodes and
Speaker 1: they can bring you a little bit of joy and
Speaker 1: escape in these uncertain times. I don't know how I'm
Speaker 1: gonna talk to our boys about sex. You stole my
Speaker 1: sound by because I was gonna say the same thing. Well,
Speaker 1: dead ass, who's gonna talk to him? He and Elis
Speaker 1: we may know us from posting funny videos without boring
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly had a form of ray
Speaker 1: I'm making me dead most dates. And one more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married, Yes, so we are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast, an open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of mommonial Mattie Couples. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day, but we
Speaker 1: say dead as we're actually saying facts. One hun the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take stilt talk to a whole new lever started. Now. Alright, guys,
Speaker 1: this story time it's gonna be extremely short because it
Speaker 1: is the microcosm of my sex education experience in my household. Right. So,
Speaker 1: at this time, at fifteen, I was still exploring but
Speaker 1: not really having sex consistently. So I had a couple
Speaker 1: of girlfriends, you know, we were doing some things. I was,
Speaker 1: you know, sophomore in high school. I was a late bloomer,
Speaker 1: so I was still like very very young. Um, I
Speaker 1: looked very young, but I was still trying to figure out, like,
Speaker 1: what is this thing everybody's talking about? And I had
Speaker 1: no one to really tell me. Um. One morning, walk
Speaker 1: into my parents room to get socks and my dad goes, hey,
Speaker 1: I said what he said, you know, I keep my condoms.
Speaker 1: I was like yeah, and that bottom drawer. He was like,
Speaker 1: all right, that was my sex education experience. The end.
Speaker 1: I remember my uncle Kevin gave me a similar speech. Um.
Speaker 1: The speech went like this, YO, when it rains, make
Speaker 1: sure you got your rain boots on. Metaphor. That was it.
Speaker 1: That was it. That was it. But no one really
Speaker 1: talked to me to details about sex, and I kind
Speaker 1: of ended up figuring it out on my own, speaking
Speaker 1: to some older, older cousins and older dudes I looked
Speaker 1: up to, and I ended up figuring it out and then, um,
Speaker 1: now you're a pro. Three kids later, I should be
Speaker 1: a hope you know what you're doing. Mine was very
Speaker 1: kind of awkward, you know, because my mom tends to
Speaker 1: be very awkward with like uncomfortable conversations. So at school,
Speaker 1: of course, because that's generally where you start hearing things.
Speaker 1: People start talking about, you know, sex and this and
Speaker 1: that and body parts. So I remember saying to my
Speaker 1: mom one day, like, so people talking about sex at school?
Speaker 1: Was that? And I was round about thirteen, um, which
Speaker 1: I'm thinking nowadays it's probably really late to have a
Speaker 1: conversation about sex, extremely late now with access to Instagram
Speaker 1: and you too. And then she started forcing the conversation
Speaker 1: came up also too, with like knowing your body and
Speaker 1: like when your period was going to come. So she
Speaker 1: ended up getting me a book that was kind of
Speaker 1: like talked about the body, menstruation, all that stuff, and
Speaker 1: then it kind of touched on sex a bit, and
Speaker 1: she's like, read the book and we'll discuss it. But
Speaker 1: the discussion was very kind of vague, vague, and I
Speaker 1: just have to kind of figure things out on my own.
Speaker 1: Knowing my mom, you know how she was sweating bullets
Speaker 1: having this conversation with me. So things have to be
Speaker 1: different with our boys. So Kay picked this song baby Ahead.
Speaker 1: You're gonna start it off for us. I think we should.
Speaker 1: It's so fitting, it's so fitting. Let's talk about sex bait.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all
Speaker 1: the good things and the bad things that make me.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about Hey, Hey, let's
Speaker 1: talk about sex. Let's talk about sex. Hey, we're talking
Speaker 1: about sex. That's the record already. No, we talk about
Speaker 1: sex openly and often on this podcast. Yes, we talk
Speaker 1: about it in our relationship. Our Sex Drives even had
Speaker 1: an expert on the show to help us spice up
Speaker 1: our sex lives. So that's an ongoing topic for us.
Speaker 1: But now that we have to prepare the way our
Speaker 1: boys approach sex eventually and sexuality as they get older, UM,
Speaker 1: we have to have a different talk. And because de
Speaker 1: Val and I are both shook over this conversation, we
Speaker 1: felt the need to bring somebody in to help us
Speaker 1: get a clear explanation on how we can talk to
Speaker 1: our boys about sex and sexuality. We brought in an expert,
Speaker 1: Miss Antoinette Sully. Hey girl, I thank you for having
Speaker 1: what one of my favorite characters from Monsters Inc. It's
Speaker 1: Scully's best Scully Scully X files bad. Okay, I still so.
Speaker 1: Antona is a mother, an entrepreneur, and the co founder
Speaker 1: of more Than sex Ed, which is an organized organization
Speaker 1: which mission which oh gosh, let's say that again. Antona
Speaker 1: is a mother, an entrepreneur, and the co founder of
Speaker 1: more Than sex Ed, an organization whose mission it is
Speaker 1: to provide a comprehensive, inclusive, and fact based, very important
Speaker 1: understanding of human sexuality to children across l A. So welcome, Antoinette,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us today. I mean,
Speaker 1: after Devottle his story and I told my story clearly
Speaker 1: there's this uncomfortable situation that occurs whenever parents have to
Speaker 1: talk to their children about sex. Do you think that's common?
Speaker 1: Do you in your expertise have you come across those
Speaker 1: scenarios where you kind of had to intervene maybe to
Speaker 1: help parents like us give our children the talk. Yes,
Speaker 1: I think that it is so important that we start early,
Speaker 1: but because most people don't want to start early, I
Speaker 1: mean like early, like as soon as your child starts
Speaker 1: to identify body parts early, that's like three, because already
Speaker 1: knows his stuff and stuff and your stuff. In fact,
Speaker 1: I know that we don't have similer stuff. Yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: that's one of the first things. Is your opposite gender
Speaker 1: children would be like, oh, that's different than what I have.
Speaker 1: So clearly there's levels to this whole thing. Of course, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: you don't dump, You don't dump at all, right, right, right? So, um,
Speaker 1: would you say that there's kind of like a natural
Speaker 1: succession with ages that okay, age groups you know, say
Speaker 1: three to five or like you know, six to eight,
Speaker 1: that there's certain conversations that should be had or do
Speaker 1: you kind of wait to see what your children brings
Speaker 1: your way, or how do you kind of a little
Speaker 1: bit of both, right, And I think one of the
Speaker 1: things that I like to tell parents and that we
Speaker 1: or to stick to is answer the question you're being asked,
Speaker 1: So don't provide any extra, but don't don't assume that
Speaker 1: the extra information is what they're looking for. Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: very much they have a very specific question, and once
Speaker 1: they get the answer to that, they're totally fine. And
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to go that cut and dry too deep. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, if they're asking where do babies live, you
Speaker 1: know they're not asking for like the whole process. You
Speaker 1: know what's funny. I'm not afraid to speak to my
Speaker 1: kids about sex. I'm not afraid at all. I'm just
Speaker 1: afraid of telling them the wrong information at the wrong time.
Speaker 1: That's really what I feel like. I have I talked
Speaker 1: about everything to everybody, so speaking to my kids about
Speaker 1: sex is not really taboo to me. But I think
Speaker 1: it's just the idea of my children eventually having sex
Speaker 1: one day. I don't think it's a talk, but I'm
Speaker 1: just like, oh my god, these little penises that my
Speaker 1: body grew. Eventually they're going to hear this that they
Speaker 1: can't do that to them. I like grew these little
Speaker 1: people with penises and then eventually they're going to be
Speaker 1: like out there having sex. Like that just makes me
Speaker 1: shook to the course, Well, let's dial it back on it.
Speaker 1: Tell us how you got involved in sex education, because
Speaker 1: clearly there's a market for that, it's very important. UM.
Speaker 1: So how did you get involved with it? Um? And
Speaker 1: why is it so important for you to talk about
Speaker 1: it um openly? I definitely fell into it. UM. I
Speaker 1: am a part of a church organization that created a
Speaker 1: sexual health curriculum, I mean like decades ago. Um. And
Speaker 1: so then in two thousand and fifteen, California announced that
Speaker 1: they were going to have to push sex said through
Speaker 1: through schools right like from elementary school all the way
Speaker 1: to high school. UM. And awesome co founder and who's
Speaker 1: the e D right now of UM more than sex
Speaker 1: said she, Jill Herbertson, was actually really excited about being
Speaker 1: able to bring this curriculum that usually it is only
Speaker 1: given to privileged white people in these liberal churches, and
Speaker 1: push it out and make it more secular so that
Speaker 1: it can go out to schools across l A which
Speaker 1: is much more diverse than what usually you get in
Speaker 1: a Unitarian church. And so because we were already working together, UM,
Speaker 1: I had already been trained on this specific program, this curriculum.
Speaker 1: It's called Our Whole Lives UM, and we call it OWL.
Speaker 1: So if I say OWL again, that's what I'm talking about,
Speaker 1: the curriculum UM. And so at that point we thought, well,
Speaker 1: how do we get this from our small little section
Speaker 1: to out into the cosmos because what people need it?
Speaker 1: And that's where it UM. When we spoke to Melissa
Speaker 1: Fredericks UM Melissa well ms keV on stage, she talked
Speaker 1: about how she grew up in a very religious, strict
Speaker 1: religious background, and sex was so shaming that she felt
Speaker 1: like a deviant when she had questions, and and she
Speaker 1: grew up not knowing a lot about her body and
Speaker 1: about sex and didn't know how to even be a
Speaker 1: wife because she was still learning herself. Do you find that,
Speaker 1: you know, giving this information to young people, especially in
Speaker 1: the child environment, is helping them? I do. Yeah. It
Speaker 1: gives people. It gives children a confidence in who they
Speaker 1: are because they can sort of work from the inside out.
Speaker 1: I guess you can think of it, UM and to
Speaker 1: understand like, oh, my body does this and it's not
Speaker 1: scary or gross. Or right, you know, we have all
Speaker 1: of these questions, um, and you're so afraid to ask
Speaker 1: anybody whether this is normal, that you sort of just
Speaker 1: sit in that silence, and it's a heavy silence, UM
Speaker 1: that can go on for years. Or if it's not silence,
Speaker 1: it's maybe going to the wrong parties and maybe not
Speaker 1: getting the right information, or someone who just may not
Speaker 1: know or just may not have their best interest at heart. Right.
Speaker 1: I mean, most people talk to the people in their
Speaker 1: own age group. So high school kid is going to
Speaker 1: talk to another high school kids they don't have all
Speaker 1: the right information, then for sure, where are you going
Speaker 1: to go from there? Right? No, exactly. That's one thing,
Speaker 1: my bad baby. That's one thing that I've learned mentoring
Speaker 1: young men, um Like for the last ten years, I
Speaker 1: mentor like hundreds of young men through Brooklyn through our
Speaker 1: sports performance program. But it was always a topic of
Speaker 1: sex education, drugs, and alcohol. And what I have learned
Speaker 1: over the last ten years that the people they deemed
Speaker 1: to be deviant are people who lack knowledge and didn't
Speaker 1: have a safe space to talk about the things that
Speaker 1: they were wondering about, so they just tried things whenever
Speaker 1: they had a chance to, and then people labeled them
Speaker 1: as deviance. And then once they got labeled as deviant,
Speaker 1: they just existed in that label and said, well, I'm
Speaker 1: just bad because I'm bad, so I might as well
Speaker 1: be bad. So it's funny to hear you talk about
Speaker 1: giving people as information. I think it may be smarter
Speaker 1: if we give our kids information earlier. Just like with
Speaker 1: the whole alcohol thing. My dad let me sip bear
Speaker 1: when I was young, So because I had access to
Speaker 1: do it and my father to leave wasn't like don't
Speaker 1: don't do it. I really had no need to go
Speaker 1: out and become, you know, a secret closet drinker because
Speaker 1: I knew I could sit it right there with my dad.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's kind of the same, so it
Speaker 1: takes away the mystique around it, like oh my god,
Speaker 1: it stops being mysterious, and it also turns into something
Speaker 1: that is part of your common knowledge. Right Like if
Speaker 1: you start early and you talk to your kids about
Speaker 1: their bodies and then you talk to them about what
Speaker 1: their bodies are going to do and what that looks
Speaker 1: like over time, then it doesn't become some secret thing
Speaker 1: that happens all of a sudden when you're twelve for sure.
Speaker 1: Let's go back to your story with your dad and
Speaker 1: your uncle and where that kind of left you with,
Speaker 1: you know, your knowledge about sex, Like where did you
Speaker 1: go to after that to then find out about it? Um? Well, well,
Speaker 1: at least at this point, I knew that I had
Speaker 1: to wear a condom because my uncle had My uncle
Speaker 1: had his first daughter, my cousin, Porscha, out of wedlock,
Speaker 1: and he made it very clear to me that if
Speaker 1: you if you want to raise a family the right way,
Speaker 1: you should be married and have a child. So he
Speaker 1: made that clear. My dad made that clear. So I
Speaker 1: knew that condoms was a way to help prevent that.
Speaker 1: Um watching porn, you know, you you find out where
Speaker 1: the porn channels are, and you try to figure out
Speaker 1: what I gotta do. And I'm speaking to older, older
Speaker 1: people on my block, my older cousins, people that I
Speaker 1: looked up to that were a couple of years older
Speaker 1: than me. I was a freshman in high school, and
Speaker 1: when I got to high school, that's when it was
Speaker 1: like middle school was when everybody was touching and doing stuff.
Speaker 1: Middle school right high schools, and people was like now
Speaker 1: I'm having sex, So now I'm fourteen, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I gotta find out how to do this. So like
Speaker 1: where does it go? You know. So I'm a freshman
Speaker 1: and I'm asking seniors because I played sports. I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: so I'm going to boust to team. He's on the
Speaker 1: basketball team. Him and his girlfriend talk about sex, you know,
Speaker 1: I asked him pull him side, like so, you know,
Speaker 1: I never had sex before, Like what I what I
Speaker 1: gotta do? And though they'll you know, like, oh, you
Speaker 1: never had sex, and then they'll clown you forever. First
Speaker 1: they clown you for at least two years. They call
Speaker 1: you a virgin every day until you tell them that
Speaker 1: you had sex, improved that you had sex. But um,
Speaker 1: that's how I found out. It was old older dude
Speaker 1: in my school. Yeah, very similar, Yeah, very similar. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the porn you know, older cousins. I remember one my
Speaker 1: cousins saying like, if you're ever going to do it,
Speaker 1: just make sure that he wears a condom. That was
Speaker 1: like the biggest thing. So I remember the whole banana
Speaker 1: and condom thing. I see that in like movies and
Speaker 1: it's everywhere, like just you know the accuracy of like
Speaker 1: the shape of the anatomy and whatnot. They come in
Speaker 1: different sizes. Is these bananas, but more or less you
Speaker 1: have an idea of how to put them on. So
Speaker 1: that was like the main thing. UM. So you talk
Speaker 1: about sex education Antoinette and like, UM, the schools and
Speaker 1: at home? How important is it? Like do you ever
Speaker 1: see a disconnecting that when you do speak to children,
Speaker 1: you know, even in the church setting or something like
Speaker 1: maybe they don't speak about it at home, but it's
Speaker 1: offered in church. Like where do you think are the
Speaker 1: appropriate spaces for that? UM? We hope that all of
Speaker 1: the spaces are inclusive enough to let kids say what
Speaker 1: they want and you know, always UM try and have
Speaker 1: at least one adult that they feel like they can
Speaker 1: come to and content to UM and feel safe around.
Speaker 1: I find that if kids don't really have that connection
Speaker 1: at home to open up, they won't feel comfortable with
Speaker 1: that connection at school either UM or even you know, extracurriculars.
Speaker 1: My kids are in girl Scouts. I have girls, and
Speaker 1: so we find that that's also a space where a
Speaker 1: lot of the knowledge isn't there. And so then the
Speaker 1: parents are like, oh, I don't know if I want
Speaker 1: to talk about this now, and you know, if you're
Speaker 1: watching your kids girls and you're like, well, we got
Speaker 1: to talk about this sometimes, right, So but ultimately it's
Speaker 1: important to start feel letting feeling comfortable at home so
Speaker 1: they can feel comfortable somewhere else. And that's what we
Speaker 1: always talk about. I want my children to feel comfortable
Speaker 1: talking to me about anything, even if they don't talk
Speaker 1: to me about sex. If they feel comfortable speaking to me,
Speaker 1: and I know that they're speaking to someone responsible, at
Speaker 1: least they're open talking about it. So that's the first thing.
Speaker 1: We have to make the kids feel comfortable. So you
Speaker 1: can't just scream at them all the time. Stuff. Well, no,
Speaker 1: I get it, I trust me. We we worked on
Speaker 1: that in a previous episode about me. But I'll be trying, guys,
Speaker 1: I try, but I know where to come to sex.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to make the boys feel uncomfortable. No,
Speaker 1: no, no no, that that's that's a topic that I think
Speaker 1: I can be like that with you and Twing an
Speaker 1: end of out in the Space and y'all in the
Speaker 1: podcast universe. But when it comes to know my boys,
Speaker 1: I definitely want that to be a thing. And like
Speaker 1: you said, knowing when to introduce certain things, So like,
Speaker 1: that's gonna be something important for us because knowing that
Speaker 1: we have three boys different ages, you have two girls,
Speaker 1: you know, making sure that we're not over answering, but
Speaker 1: at the same time to we're giving the appropriate information
Speaker 1: at the right time. Can I play Devil's advocate? I
Speaker 1: would like to introduce my boys to certain things before
Speaker 1: they get another answer from somebody else. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, your own children's maturity level two and what
Speaker 1: they can handle. But what I'm saying is is I
Speaker 1: don't want for them to ask me a question before
Speaker 1: I give them some information, because they may never ask
Speaker 1: the question and they may get the information from somebody else.
Speaker 1: What do you think about that? I think if you
Speaker 1: give if you have a really nice foundation, right like
Speaker 1: if I'm on board with when your kids understand their
Speaker 1: body parts, having the correct names for it, right, and
Speaker 1: then you move that to consent, and you know who
Speaker 1: is allowed to touch you in what places, right like
Speaker 1: you sell have to change diapers, who's allowed to see you,
Speaker 1: what the doctors, And that is a precursor to how
Speaker 1: people interact when they have to deal with sexual context
Speaker 1: and content and like that. And so I still find
Speaker 1: that a lot of parents want to get it out
Speaker 1: out real quick because they're like, oh, you're we're talking
Speaker 1: about it, let's talk about it. And what the kids
Speaker 1: are really talking about or really asking, is oh I
Speaker 1: had an idea about this one specific thing. Is it
Speaker 1: this thing? You know? They're looking they're looking to find
Speaker 1: out whether their own feelings are validated. And so sometimes
Speaker 1: when we want to have those really tough conversations really
Speaker 1: quickly or too soon, it's not going to go anywhere anyway,
Speaker 1: because they're not going to have enough of the context
Speaker 1: to to really take it in. What you want to
Speaker 1: talk about now? For sure? Is there like a book
Speaker 1: or something that I could like slide and introduced them,
Speaker 1: because so many they I mean once that I had
Speaker 1: for my kids and it was a little too soon,
Speaker 1: but it might be good for your ten year old.
Speaker 1: So I have a just turned six and an eight
Speaker 1: and a half year old. So we have an eight
Speaker 1: and a half. Well, Jackson will be nine in April, yeah,
Speaker 1: might will be nine. Yeah. Um my kids are super
Speaker 1: obsessed right now with baby babies and people having babies.
Speaker 1: I do not want to have more babies. So they
Speaker 1: keep asking, oh, yeah, you like the same person. No,
Speaker 1: they keep asking let's and I'm like no, I'm I'm good. Um.
Speaker 1: But so we read a lot of these stories that
Speaker 1: are like, let's make a baby, and what's in there.
Speaker 1: It's about a family having another baby, and it talks
Speaker 1: about like the different gestational periods and different to which
Speaker 1: a baby actually gets there, which starts with sex. Most
Speaker 1: books at this age so do not start with sex.
Speaker 1: They start with, hey, they need an egg and its firm.
Speaker 1: Babies happen, but we don't know how to get We
Speaker 1: don't know how to get you. Then they save that
Speaker 1: for maybe like the eleven and twelve year olds maybe exactly,
Speaker 1: and so there's get more complex. There is a book
Speaker 1: called Let's Talk about Sex. It's really awesome. It's drawn,
Speaker 1: and so it's age appropriate for I want to say,
Speaker 1: ten thirteen and that sort of middle school like upper elementary,
Speaker 1: lower middle school age UM, where they're able to get
Speaker 1: these sorts of informations like oh, I feel this way
Speaker 1: and these are the body parts I have and this
Speaker 1: is how babies get where they get, you know, And
Speaker 1: so there are different stages and I think if you
Speaker 1: start early, um, you can work on this. My my
Speaker 1: mom was the same I got a book, but start
Speaker 1: with the book for your three year old, right, and
Speaker 1: then of course have them read the books and then
Speaker 1: they'll ask you questions and you answer the questions asking,
Speaker 1: and then you continue that as they get a little
Speaker 1: bit older. So now let's get to the teenage years. Okay, teenagers,
Speaker 1: but really four teenagers because I want you touched on
Speaker 1: it just a bit, and I wanted to say, like,
Speaker 1: you're the mother of two girls, we have the three boys.
Speaker 1: So the conversation about consent is extremely important to our
Speaker 1: children's future because consent is everything that's kind of the
Speaker 1: root of it. So it's like, Okay, we know the
Speaker 1: body parts, we know their differences, and then consent is next.
Speaker 1: So how do we start to instill um our idea
Speaker 1: of consent or the idea of consent as an essential
Speaker 1: value for them so that it becomes second nature. So
Speaker 1: the way that we do it at home is we
Speaker 1: do consent with everything. So it's not just about sex
Speaker 1: or sex done it holes or body parts or whatever,
Speaker 1: but it's about everything, right, Like, oh, your sister doesn't
Speaker 1: want to be touched. She's saying no about her body,
Speaker 1: and I feel like that's one of the really standard ones.
Speaker 1: I'm saying no about my body in any way and
Speaker 1: teaching boundaries and teaching boundaries yourself. Yeah, and so then
Speaker 1: that will extend to everything that they do. And I
Speaker 1: feel like that's one of the ways that we normalize sex,
Speaker 1: head that we normalize talking about sex, because we take
Speaker 1: consent to mean everything. Hey, you're drinking out my water glass.
Speaker 1: I'm saying no about my water glass possession in that, Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure. Yeah. I think that's huge because we often
Speaker 1: talk about molestation in our communities and how easy it
Speaker 1: is for a child to feel like they have to
Speaker 1: have I have to allow an older person access to
Speaker 1: their body. You know how you start with consent growing up, right?
Speaker 1: You know how your parents say, hey, give someone so
Speaker 1: a hug, and if you don't feel like giving him
Speaker 1: a like, did not tell you to allow your kids
Speaker 1: to not want to give people hugs young so they
Speaker 1: can feel like they own their body. This way, when
Speaker 1: an adult says you're supposed to do X, y Z
Speaker 1: to me, you could be like, no, I don't have to.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's a very It's not a matter
Speaker 1: of being rude either. They just made you know what
Speaker 1: this challenge in this moment, does not want to hug
Speaker 1: you because they have their own reasons for not wanting to,
Speaker 1: you know, and sometimes children that they have tell tales,
Speaker 1: you know, are their own. They something could puts potentially
Speaker 1: be happening with an adult that they don't feel comfortable with.
Speaker 1: You know, in the previous times, they may have had
Speaker 1: to give hugs and now they don't want to give
Speaker 1: hugs for whatever their reason is. So and I think
Speaker 1: I think that's like a societal issue where we allow
Speaker 1: adults access to our children too easily by just forcing
Speaker 1: them to do things that they don't want to do.
Speaker 1: And if we can start by stopping that, I think
Speaker 1: that's that's the best thing we can do to protect
Speaker 1: our children, because I know I definitely I'm not doing
Speaker 1: that with we don't do the hugs, sitting on laps
Speaker 1: like that whole thing is Yeah, if you don't want to,
Speaker 1: then that's that's the mood he's in. And that's amazing
Speaker 1: because that's one of the first parts to consent is
Speaker 1: feeling like you have autonomy over your own person who
Speaker 1: and feeling like you can say no, this makes me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: I don't want to leave um, I don't want to
Speaker 1: sit here. Um, And those will help a you know,
Speaker 1: if a five year old can do it, you know,
Speaker 1: think of how how amazing they may feel when something
Speaker 1: is wrong in their fifteen and they want to say, hey,
Speaker 1: I don't like this and I wanted this to stop. Um. No, absolutely,
Speaker 1: it's amazing when you have your own kids, how differently
Speaker 1: you look at the world. Oh for sure, that didn't
Speaker 1: seem like a big deal. It's like, oh wow, there's
Speaker 1: an actual life now you understand. Especially, you know, if
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say if, because I don't want to act
Speaker 1: like I have autonomy over your body. But if I
Speaker 1: have a daughter, right, baby taught me okay, so to
Speaker 1: that can pay your bills? Now, Um, she didn't come
Speaker 1: here for that kind of work. I mean, you put
Speaker 1: it on into that she ain't come for all that
Speaker 1: she ain't go for the ax bill. But if I
Speaker 1: have a daughter, the first thing I will teach her
Speaker 1: is her right to say no to anybody or anything,
Speaker 1: because historically we have often made women feel as if
Speaker 1: they're acting strange when they don't want to smile or
Speaker 1: let someone be around them. And I remember seeing this
Speaker 1: as a young as a young person, you know, Smile
Speaker 1: your young lady, be happy, smile, give hugs. And then
Speaker 1: the slight thing, I gotta smile and give hugs all
Speaker 1: the time. That leads to other things. And now that
Speaker 1: I have kids, and I always said to myself, when
Speaker 1: I have my daughter, I'm not making my and it
Speaker 1: wasn't until I had Jackson, who was a boy, and
Speaker 1: I remember trying to tell Jackson to say it, what's
Speaker 1: up to people? And Jackson didn't want to give fives
Speaker 1: at first, and I was kind of like, you don't
Speaker 1: gotta give you a fies. Then I started thinking, like, yo,
Speaker 1: if I had a daughter, when I tell my daughter
Speaker 1: to smile and give us and I'm like, no, I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: And it's crazy how your kids change your perspective on
Speaker 1: the whole world. And now I look at people different,
Speaker 1: Like if I don't look at someone who doesn't hug,
Speaker 1: is weird no more? You know? And before I'm like,
Speaker 1: they don't give hugs, they're weird. Now usually if you
Speaker 1: meet someone and you go to hug them, they would like,
Speaker 1: I'm a hugger. It's all good, you know. And I'll
Speaker 1: say that sometimes because I'll go to hug someone naturally,
Speaker 1: and then if they're just not a hugger, maybe they'll
Speaker 1: send the hand and I don't take offense. You know,
Speaker 1: I moved to l A. I had to change that
Speaker 1: to be like hugs or handshakes because people aren't. Do
Speaker 1: you think we should do that with our kids? We should,
Speaker 1: because I know I grab my kids, not kiss my
Speaker 1: kids like I grab. Do you know it's really funny
Speaker 1: I do, and I'll ask them like, hey, can I
Speaker 1: give you hugs? I mean it's not as often as
Speaker 1: I probably should um, but I find that they do
Speaker 1: the same. So my oldest will come up to me
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, Mom, I'm feeling sad or I
Speaker 1: want some attention. Can I have a hug please? And
Speaker 1: that helps cut down on the running into my body
Speaker 1: tackle at the knees, yeah, or something else to my
Speaker 1: attention to tackle at the knees. You know how they
Speaker 1: say kids don't understand per s space. If you not forced,
Speaker 1: but allow your kids to ask permission to give you,
Speaker 1: as a parent, a hug, they'll understand personal space with
Speaker 1: strangers and other people. Because I've met some people kids
Speaker 1: who have been right here and I wanted to be
Speaker 1: liked my six year old is not personal space, right,
Speaker 1: So you have to meet somebody's kids that you're like, yo,
Speaker 1: this this kid like licked my face and their parents
Speaker 1: didn't say nothing. I think that I think that we
Speaker 1: should we should start to apply that, you know, you know,
Speaker 1: like yo, ask that for a hug first, And it
Speaker 1: seems so impersonal when it's your kids, but it's also
Speaker 1: preparing them for society in life. And it also prepares
Speaker 1: them for for sexual intercourse with people asking for permission,
Speaker 1: seeking permission, and then giving permission. I never thought about that,
Speaker 1: so just now, so it's fast forward like you wanted
Speaker 1: to the teenage years. So UM, we're looking at an
Speaker 1: article by USC's Nursing School. This is two thousand and sixteen,
Speaker 1: so so not to date, so dated, but it did
Speaker 1: say that the United States has higher rates of team
Speaker 1: park and SEE and sexually transmitted diseases than most other
Speaker 1: industrialized country countries UM. And this seems to be UM
Speaker 1: because of the lack of sex education in schools. UM.
Speaker 1: The US requires sex education in grades six, seven, seven
Speaker 1: through twelve, UM, when other nations require it to be
Speaker 1: discussed as early as kindergarten. Then another survey that was
Speaker 1: done on This is data from the National Survey of
Speaker 1: Family Growth. Female teenagers are more likely than male teenagers
Speaker 1: to first report receiving instructions on birth control in high school.
Speaker 1: So I guess that would make sense because females have
Speaker 1: the you know exactly, Um, Younger female teenagers are more
Speaker 1: likely than younger male teenagers to have talked to their
Speaker 1: parents about sex and birth control. Nearly two out of
Speaker 1: three female teenagers talked to their parents about how to
Speaker 1: say no to sex, compared to one out of five
Speaker 1: male teens two out of five male teenagers. Wow. So
Speaker 1: interesting stuff there, Um, So how does it happen with
Speaker 1: the teenagers who kind of don't know? Um, you know,
Speaker 1: there's levels to experiences at that point, UM, what in
Speaker 1: your experience have you have you what in your experience
Speaker 1: have you realized with teenagers when it comes to sex
Speaker 1: and education. What more than sex ays does is that
Speaker 1: we have classes for teens, and so we get to facilitators,
Speaker 1: usually male and female facilitators, so we can kind of
Speaker 1: have that dynamic, um, and then we allow the teens
Speaker 1: to be able to talk to each other and talk
Speaker 1: openly to the facilitators and ask questions. We allow them
Speaker 1: to ask questions anonymously in a question box, and so
Speaker 1: those questions get answered at the next session. Um, And
Speaker 1: so that way you don't have to feel sort of
Speaker 1: weird about wondering if a thing is normal. But we
Speaker 1: find that when teenagers are able to have these conversations
Speaker 1: with other teenagers present, they're much more open and engaged
Speaker 1: to being a part of the conversation. Yeah, what I'm
Speaker 1: what I'm realizing just listening to you is that ultimately
Speaker 1: it starts at home and we as parents, because every
Speaker 1: child has a parent, you know, nobody doesn't unless they're
Speaker 1: an orphan when they don't. But as adults, if you
Speaker 1: have control over a child, not control, but if you're parenting,
Speaker 1: there are certain things you should learn about how to
Speaker 1: educate your teenagers before even going into these environments so
Speaker 1: that they can receive the information even unlearning as a parent.
Speaker 1: Because you think about us as adults, we come with
Speaker 1: some sort of sexual baggage to say, or own sexual
Speaker 1: experiences that then may impact how we speak to our
Speaker 1: children and working to our children. So how can parents
Speaker 1: unlearn their own shame or their own personal sexual past
Speaker 1: and talk about sex and engage in healthy conversations with
Speaker 1: their kids. I think it's probably doing the research being
Speaker 1: able to understand what you're missing out on if you,
Speaker 1: as an adult don't even know how your own body works, um,
Speaker 1: because you can't really explain that right. My my eight
Speaker 1: year old is obsessed with the word puberty right now.
Speaker 1: She has no idea what it means. She thinks it's
Speaker 1: a thing that happens to you and it's funny and
Speaker 1: it's goofy. But at first my husband was like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: do we have to talk about puberty? And I was like, no,
Speaker 1: she didn't want to hear about it. She just wants
Speaker 1: to say the word the word it's funny. And so
Speaker 1: when we get caught up in our own like baggage,
Speaker 1: as you said, then we start to dump on our
Speaker 1: kids in a way that almost feels inappropriate. And so
Speaker 1: I really feel like parents, if we're getting getting these
Speaker 1: books to read to our children, that's one of the
Speaker 1: first ways that you get all the information that you have, right,
Speaker 1: you get a different book and you read um and
Speaker 1: just finding out more about your own body and how
Speaker 1: it works, how the process will work for children, so
Speaker 1: that when they have questions, you can answer their questions
Speaker 1: accurately and and be able to I guess give them
Speaker 1: reassurance that they're not alone for sure. How would how
Speaker 1: would you avoid I know you heard the whole comment
Speaker 1: with t I and his daughter and what he said.
Speaker 1: How do you avoid as a parent because t I
Speaker 1: is not the only person who's done that, and he's
Speaker 1: not He's not the only person. I know moms when
Speaker 1: I was training who were that invasive. I remember moms
Speaker 1: I just mentoring young men and women and they were
Speaker 1: moms who are single moms and just like I take
Speaker 1: her and I checked this because I want to make
Speaker 1: sure And how do you prevent any person, a mom
Speaker 1: or a dad from being that invasive? Like what steps
Speaker 1: can they take to still be protective over their children
Speaker 1: without being invasive privacy that happens because you know black parents,
Speaker 1: it's really hard. I I don't know if I personally
Speaker 1: could protect you know, all of these people. I would
Speaker 1: love to, And the the t I comment was really
Speaker 1: really hard to deal with. And I think because there
Speaker 1: are enough of us who are sort of like, hey,
Speaker 1: this is this is not cool, this is not what
Speaker 1: we're doing anymore. Um. I think the more that voices
Speaker 1: like yours and more that people see that there's a
Speaker 1: different way to do it, then we can start to
Speaker 1: get this sort of out in the atmosphere, right because
Speaker 1: if the only way you know how to do it is, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give my twelve year old a book about
Speaker 1: sex when they're twelve and that's it. We'll never talk
Speaker 1: about it, or you know, I don't feel comfortable talking
Speaker 1: about periods and now I have to do it, and
Speaker 1: you know it's it's that continues because we don't have
Speaker 1: other people going, wait a second, there's a there's another
Speaker 1: way to do this. We can totally do this to that,
Speaker 1: and that's what I think we need more of because
Speaker 1: as much as people wanted to jump on t I
Speaker 1: for what he said, there are a lot of people
Speaker 1: if t I wasn't involved in his daughter's sex life
Speaker 1: and she was out there acting crazy, we've been like, well, ha,
Speaker 1: fallen that there. So it's like, where do we draw
Speaker 1: the line from the public lynchings of being upset at
Speaker 1: T I by what he's said and an understanding what
Speaker 1: he's trying to do, Like me as a dad, Ultimately,
Speaker 1: if I have a daughter, I don't know what extremes
Speaker 1: I will go to to protect her innocence. You know,
Speaker 1: I would rely heavily on her mom. I would because
Speaker 1: she's a woman and I would trust her. But ultimately,
Speaker 1: if this is the sad part, if my daughter does
Speaker 1: end up going astray and does things that people don't
Speaker 1: seem to be socially acceptable, the first person they're gonna
Speaker 1: blame is me, right, So let's be honest. As much
Speaker 1: as we want to hate t I, people will blame
Speaker 1: the dad, and any girl who doesn't do is people
Speaker 1: think they say they have daddy issues. Where do we
Speaker 1: draw the line as far as this is appropriate, this
Speaker 1: isn't appropriate with dealing with your teenage daughters. I think
Speaker 1: that we put a lot of pressure on teenage girls
Speaker 1: to have all the answers when I mean this is
Speaker 1: a two person events, Like if something happens you you
Speaker 1: have to deal with both having a teenage daughter and
Speaker 1: possibly a teenage boy by someone someone else, And so
Speaker 1: your story of as a boy being told where the
Speaker 1: condoms are and like that being the extent of it.
Speaker 1: I remember as the same as my brother, But like
Speaker 1: I got like books, right, I got a whole education
Speaker 1: on what was supposed to be happening and what was
Speaker 1: down and how it all worked in a much more
Speaker 1: comprehensive way, and not necessarily in a more open way,
Speaker 1: but definitely the responsibility was said on me for sure
Speaker 1: that I don't get myself pregnant. I kind of feel like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel you want that, because it was the same thing.
Speaker 1: It was like, well, this is what you do to
Speaker 1: take control of your body. And I think that's why
Speaker 1: probably to most females are on birth control early, like
Speaker 1: I have. I know a couple people who have said
Speaker 1: that their teenage daughters they just put them on birth
Speaker 1: control because it's like, Okay, it'll help with like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it'll help with like menstruation and regulating the period cycled yadi, yadi, YadA.
Speaker 1: But also too, it's like just in case God forbid,
Speaker 1: my daughter is not going to be getting pregnant for nobody.
Speaker 1: But you know what's crazy though, you know how and
Speaker 1: this is how asked backwards that may work. A girl says,
Speaker 1: I'm on birth control so I can have sex on
Speaker 1: protected because I'm not gonna get pregnant, you know, like
Speaker 1: peoples s T I S. And I remember in high school.
Speaker 1: I remember in high school there was a couple of
Speaker 1: girls who on birth control and their boyfriends like, we
Speaker 1: only need to use a condom. She on birth control,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I was like, dang, Like, you know,
Speaker 1: I didn't understand what birth control was at the age.
Speaker 1: But now when I think about those comments, and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, so, you put your daughter on birth control
Speaker 1: so she don't get pregnant, but you're not protecting her
Speaker 1: from having unprotected sex with this guy who is having
Speaker 1: sex with other people. You know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: we're doing half the work, right, We're giving only just
Speaker 1: the information we want to give, and then we're leaving
Speaker 1: out some factual um information that keeps everybody safe for sure,
Speaker 1: for sure. So we talked about teenage girls. Ultimately, I'm
Speaker 1: going to have three teenage boys, right, And I'm not
Speaker 1: worried about the consent things so much because my father
Speaker 1: was very straightforward with me. The minute she says no,
Speaker 1: it means you know, the minute she says stop, it
Speaker 1: means stop. Because there was the whole thing about what
Speaker 1: if a girl says stop, but she really wants you
Speaker 1: to keep going with My father was like, if she
Speaker 1: wants you to keep going, she would said keep going,
Speaker 1: she says stop, then you stop. So I'm not worried
Speaker 1: about that aspect of it. I'm worried about how to
Speaker 1: make them be educated. Trying to figure out how to
Speaker 1: say this. I want to educate them, but I don't
Speaker 1: want to over educate them. But they need to be
Speaker 1: educated and over educated. Do you get what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: Because boys, boys need to be educated, and we put
Speaker 1: a lot of owners on the girls, but boys need
Speaker 1: to be educated. And it's like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: to overgive them, overgive them, but I'm I do not
Speaker 1: want to leave it to anybody else. I do not.
Speaker 1: I I am afraid because I have a couple of
Speaker 1: boys who I think are very manipulative, and they'll figure
Speaker 1: out who they can ask certain things. They'll be like,
Speaker 1: I'm not asking Dad this, so I'll ask who I
Speaker 1: want to get the answer from. How do I avoid
Speaker 1: that without tainting them? You know what I mean? But
Speaker 1: I think the consent thing is is the best place
Speaker 1: to go, right, Like it's you start with, when someone
Speaker 1: says no, it means no. When someone says maybe, that
Speaker 1: also probably means right. So one of the things I
Speaker 1: think that we try to do is we want to
Speaker 1: have all the answers, but it's actually really nice to
Speaker 1: be able to let your kids feel safe with other adults. So,
Speaker 1: if you have another adult in your family or in
Speaker 1: your community that you would feel safe with your children,
Speaker 1: going to let them know. And that way they won't
Speaker 1: get the misinformation, right, they won't find it out from
Speaker 1: one of their friends, or they won't find it out
Speaker 1: from a dirty magazine. I don't know do dirty magazine?
Speaker 1: Do you exist? So? I mean, do comes? But a
Speaker 1: good way to take some of the pressure off of
Speaker 1: you is to literally take the pressure off of you.
Speaker 1: Tell your children, I trust this other adult. I trust
Speaker 1: this person in my community. If you have questions that
Speaker 1: you are uncomfortable asking me, go ask them, and then
Speaker 1: you have conversations with that adult. Right, you make sure
Speaker 1: that that adult and you have a rapport that you
Speaker 1: guys feel comfortable with the same information. UM make it
Speaker 1: so that you build a community of people that your
Speaker 1: children can trust. Absolutely. I definitely, I definitely understand you, guys.
Speaker 1: But I also I'm a boy, and I was a
Speaker 1: fifteen year old boy, and anytime somebody gave me a
Speaker 1: list of people that I could speak to, I speak
Speaker 1: to none of them. I was like anybody who my
Speaker 1: parents told me I could speak to, because my has
Speaker 1: already got to them. I needed to find different. You
Speaker 1: guys are different. I am different than my kids, but
Speaker 1: I know boys like mentoring. All these boys they like
Speaker 1: they don't want to be anywhere near their parents, and
Speaker 1: I'm trying to find a way to kind of sneak
Speaker 1: the information to them, you know, without I think we'll
Speaker 1: figure it out. So I'm trying to figure out, hopefully
Speaker 1: gravitate towards by the time boys need this, then they'll
Speaker 1: be this organization more than sex said, where they can take,
Speaker 1: you know, six weeks of healthy sexual education with other
Speaker 1: people that are their same age boys and girls. They
Speaker 1: can ask their questions, they can feel confident in the
Speaker 1: work that they're doing. So you may have to opt
Speaker 1: into that. I mean we could, but I've setten the
Speaker 1: sex and classes when I was fifteen before, and all
Speaker 1: that heard was vagina, vagina, That's what I'm married. But
Speaker 1: I can also imagine for you, just as we kind
Speaker 1: of wrap things up, we can touch on it um
Speaker 1: how complex sex education is now because you know, we're
Speaker 1: talking about gender identity, UM identifying in different ways so
Speaker 1: how do you, um, so talk to me a little
Speaker 1: bit about gender expression? And I guess that's it's sex
Speaker 1: and sex educator. Um. Do you think this is an
Speaker 1: appropriate age to start allowing you children to express their
Speaker 1: gender in certain ways or any kind of obstacles that
Speaker 1: you found when it comes to children, um, deciding or
Speaker 1: vocalizing I should say, their sexual orientation. UM. I've come
Speaker 1: to see that most of the obstacles when kids have
Speaker 1: difference of opinion about that that's different than like the
Speaker 1: heteronormative like straight gender expression is actually other kids, other
Speaker 1: kids and maybe sometimes other adults that are like, oh no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you're totally not that thing that you think you are
Speaker 1: because you're too young. Um. And we never say that
Speaker 1: to kids you think are straight, right, like ever, right,
Speaker 1: Like a five year old looks at a pretty woman,
Speaker 1: like an adult woman and goes, oh, she's pretty. We're like, yes,
Speaker 1: she is, isn't she? But if a five year old
Speaker 1: girl did that, we would be like, uh no, that's
Speaker 1: not how you feel about that. Um. And So I
Speaker 1: think that one of the things that we can do
Speaker 1: is to let kids express themselves in the way they
Speaker 1: want to without trying to take that away from them
Speaker 1: almost immediately because it'll happen right right, Um. And the
Speaker 1: other thing is to listen to them because I mean,
Speaker 1: gender expression and gender identity we're still sort of figuring
Speaker 1: out how we all fit into that, right. So so
Speaker 1: even if you identify completely as straight um and CIS
Speaker 1: are like says gender, you're still within the gender spectrum
Speaker 1: and we try to negate that for some reason and
Speaker 1: just say, oh, that person is trans so that they're
Speaker 1: the gender spectrum or that person and is by or
Speaker 1: that person's case, and they're you know, the only people
Speaker 1: talking about sexuality where we're all in it together. And
Speaker 1: I think that if we give that to our kids,
Speaker 1: because I mean, if you've talked to middle and high
Speaker 1: school kids today, they're fine, Like they know I was
Speaker 1: gonna be honest about they know, like they're they're and
Speaker 1: they're in it, and they're comfortable with it. They're comfortable
Speaker 1: with different pronouns, they're comfortable with, you know, wearing whatever
Speaker 1: they want and identifying however they want. It's really mostly adults.
Speaker 1: I think we missed kids that are first are giving
Speaker 1: them all these ideas and no, no, no, you're too
Speaker 1: young and don't wait it out and they know, you
Speaker 1: know what's funny, right, And it's the funny thing. The
Speaker 1: funny thing I think about gender and sexuality, Right, we
Speaker 1: as adults now want to put labels on everything and everybody, right,
Speaker 1: so we start messing people's head up. If you're a boy,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't wear and I've heard men, I've heard minutes
Speaker 1: it is. If you're a boy, shouldn't wear tight pants,
Speaker 1: Your boy, you can't wear wigs. If your boy, you
Speaker 1: shouldn't wear outliner. Right, But that's saying man idolizes prince.
Speaker 1: And think about the irony and that prince in this
Speaker 1: day and age would be considered a free quote unquote
Speaker 1: to all of these headero males who idolized him for
Speaker 1: being himself. And the prince loved women. So think about that, Like,
Speaker 1: we put all these labels on kids from young instead
Speaker 1: of allowing them to be who they want to be.
Speaker 1: And then once we put the label on them, we
Speaker 1: tell them what they can they can't do, but then
Speaker 1: idolized people who we if we, if they were young,
Speaker 1: would have labeled them something different. I feel like adults
Speaker 1: need to kind of chill out when it comes to
Speaker 1: kids and let a kid just be a kid. I
Speaker 1: just let a kid be a kid. And like you said,
Speaker 1: they get to middle school, high school, they're gonna figure
Speaker 1: that out, especially with gender, because even as adults were
Speaker 1: still trying to figure out what the gender spectrum is?
Speaker 1: How do we label young babies when we don't know
Speaker 1: what the gender spectrum is because we're trying to figure
Speaker 1: it out. To me, it seems like we're working as backwards.
Speaker 1: Like I feel like we're trying so hard to figure
Speaker 1: something out that's so abstract that we're we're working backwards
Speaker 1: and we're losing kids because once people labels and we
Speaker 1: start pointing and saying don't do this and don't do that,
Speaker 1: we're work. You know, we're losing trust. The kids are
Speaker 1: starting to lose trust and us as adults because they
Speaker 1: don't believe what we're saying. So when it comes to
Speaker 1: that with my kids, man, I'm just my kids gonna
Speaker 1: be who they are. Nobody better come to me with
Speaker 1: what my kid is because I'll fight them. I'm so serious.
Speaker 1: I look at I look at I'm growing up. I
Speaker 1: loved Michael Jackson. I loved him. If you look at
Speaker 1: the way I turned addressed who I turned. It was
Speaker 1: the biggest womanizer, the biggest strongest hetero sexual man. I
Speaker 1: looked at old pitches I turned, and he wore wigs,
Speaker 1: he had a cut bob, he wore an eyeliner. He
Speaker 1: wore tight pants with fish net shirts. Could you imagine
Speaker 1: what I turned? It would be called today, But people
Speaker 1: thought he was a man's man back then. It's like,
Speaker 1: I think we're doing too much. Let people be kids
Speaker 1: with that. Just let kids be kids. Do you offer
Speaker 1: that at more than sex said, like a complete open
Speaker 1: safe space for children to speak about that naturally? Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: children who are still trying to like figure out things sexually,
Speaker 1: depending on whatever um area they identify with. Yes, I mean,
Speaker 1: and that's why when you start early and you give
Speaker 1: children a place to really get all of the adult
Speaker 1: for themselves, then as it changes, you know, they can say, oh,
Speaker 1: maybe I was this and now I feel more drawn
Speaker 1: to this um without feeling like they're wrong all the time. Right.
Speaker 1: It gives them space to open up and really dig
Speaker 1: deep and go, oh, well, this is this is who
Speaker 1: I am, and this is what makes me feel comfortable,
Speaker 1: this is what I would want, this is how I
Speaker 1: want to be treated and It creates adults that feel
Speaker 1: confident in themselves to go out and say, these are
Speaker 1: the kind of relationships I want. These are the kinds
Speaker 1: of people I want in my life because it's all
Speaker 1: about relationships, right, It's all about how we interact with
Speaker 1: each other, whether that's sexual or not. Um. And when
Speaker 1: we start with consent and move our way onto something
Speaker 1: much more intense like sexual contact, are contact, um, then
Speaker 1: we're on the right page. Right, they know where to start.
Speaker 1: Sounds good, very helpful tips today, Yes, for sure. And
Speaker 1: for the record, I like you in type pants. I
Speaker 1: like yeah second print. This is the second time today
Speaker 1: for the print you talked about my underwear and now
Speaker 1: you're talking about Bernandez now fresh. You're a hot mess,
Speaker 1: you know. I think we need a break. We need
Speaker 1: the coolest guy off. Yeah, we're gonna take a quick break,
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Speaker 1: is best in the history of golf, no question in
Speaker 1: my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist
Speaker 1: Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger
Speaker 1: Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's
Speaker 1: been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now. Listen
Speaker 1: in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. So
Speaker 1: now let's get into some listener letters. Antoinette is sticking around,
Speaker 1: and um let's see what y'all hit us up within
Speaker 1: the email box real quick. All right, all right, here's
Speaker 1: the first one. First off, I just want to say
Speaker 1: the value truly inspire me to be a better husband
Speaker 1: to my wife and father to my Son's appreciate that, man,
Speaker 1: I appreciate you. Love that. I just wanted to know
Speaker 1: if you had any advice on fatherhood. I have a
Speaker 1: three year old and a two week old, and I
Speaker 1: feel that, due to not having any good examples of
Speaker 1: being a father, I'm unequipped to give them the tools
Speaker 1: to be upstanding men. Any help is appreciate it. Uh,
Speaker 1: what's up? Brother? First and foremost, thank you for your
Speaker 1: kind words. Um, I really appreciate them. The first thing
Speaker 1: I would say about fatherhood is that just asking this
Speaker 1: question means that you're going to be a great father.
Speaker 1: You acknowledge that you don't know everything. And one thing
Speaker 1: I learned from Just Sports was that the minute you
Speaker 1: think you know everything is when you have to realize
Speaker 1: you know nothing. So seek as much information as you can.
Speaker 1: We talked about it a lot on this podcast. Seeking
Speaker 1: information is the best way to pass information on to
Speaker 1: your son's and for you to spend time with him,
Speaker 1: hug him, kiss him, tell them you love them, and
Speaker 1: still discipline when needed, but also make sure that they
Speaker 1: know that they can trust their father for whatever they need.
Speaker 1: That's going to give them the confidence to be upstanding
Speaker 1: young men. And it's that simple. You'll figure it out.
Speaker 1: There's no rule book, there's no you know book to
Speaker 1: you know, follow these guidelines. Love them as hard as
Speaker 1: you can. UM, give them that that discipline when they
Speaker 1: need it, but just let them know that they can
Speaker 1: trust their dad. Oh that's really nice. I love when
Speaker 1: the guys right in because I feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: you're a lot of our questions are normally from women,
Speaker 1: but when guys right in. But you took the words
Speaker 1: right out of my mouth though this wasn't a question
Speaker 1: post to me, but I thought the same thing. I'm
Speaker 1: like for him to even write in about this and say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't know. I haven't had those
Speaker 1: examples around, like what are some tips that already just
Speaker 1: shows me that you're going to be dad for sure?
Speaker 1: For sure? Absolutely, So thank you for that one, all right,
Speaker 1: And the second listener letter listening to your podcasts with
Speaker 1: Mr and Mrs keV on stage and the thing Miss
Speaker 1: keV on stage said about purity really struck me. Wow,
Speaker 1: we spoke with that kind of touched on that. Growing up,
Speaker 1: my parents did not talk to me about sex at
Speaker 1: all other than it's wrong and just wait till marriage.
Speaker 1: So in my mind, I just settled on the fact
Speaker 1: that I'm okay, I'm not going to have to do
Speaker 1: sex until I'm married. Then it changed to I'm not
Speaker 1: going to have sex until I'm with someone I have
Speaker 1: a real mutual love with. Here, I am twenty seven
Speaker 1: years old and single, trying to date in a generation
Speaker 1: who only believes in tender texting and sex. On the
Speaker 1: first date part of me feels like I've made way
Speaker 1: too big a deal out about purity and being a virgin.
Speaker 1: There have been times where I felt that I should
Speaker 1: just do it and get it over with. Should I.
Speaker 1: The older I get, the more complex I feel about
Speaker 1: the situation and how it's becoming. I feel less in
Speaker 1: tune with my body as a young woman, and I'm
Speaker 1: starting to have increased anxiety about sharing my body with
Speaker 1: another person. And at what point should I tell a
Speaker 1: guy that I'm a virgin? Good thing? We got, Antonine,
Speaker 1: I don't even so seven just breaking down twenty seven
Speaker 1: years old. She's been taught that sex has been wrong
Speaker 1: in her entire life, she needs to wait till marriage,
Speaker 1: and now she's in a society where you know, sex
Speaker 1: as casual um, and she kind of wants to know
Speaker 1: how to deal with this. Okay, Well, I personally have
Speaker 1: a huge problem with the purity culture. It's very patriarchal
Speaker 1: for me in a way that women aren't allowed to
Speaker 1: really take care of themselves. Um. And so my advice
Speaker 1: would be to someone who might feel this way is
Speaker 1: definitely get to know your own boundaries, right, Like, take
Speaker 1: away the boundaries that someone else has given you and
Speaker 1: really feel where you're where you stand, and if once
Speaker 1: those boundaries to take away, once you feel like, oh
Speaker 1: well this this is something that someone else cared more
Speaker 1: about than what I care about, then you really know
Speaker 1: who you are. And then you know, maybe you might
Speaker 1: want to have sex, maybe you don't want to have sex,
Speaker 1: and that's fine, being more taking taking the power away
Speaker 1: from the parents or whoever has instilled this purity mindset
Speaker 1: and just saying, okay, what do I want to do? Exactly?
Speaker 1: Got you exactly? And then when you have that, and
Speaker 1: this goes back to consent, right, and you meet someone
Speaker 1: who might want to have sex on a first date,
Speaker 1: and you can say that's not for me. Right, Maybe
Speaker 1: you want to have sex on the first date. Maybe
Speaker 1: you want to be a part of the same sort
Speaker 1: of tender culture. I'm not really sure, but I would
Speaker 1: say the best thing to do is really find out
Speaker 1: where you stand, not where your parents stand, not where
Speaker 1: society even wants to put to you. Right, So taking
Speaker 1: away the levels of a shame that is surrounding it,
Speaker 1: or that's been placed on her about it, because now
Speaker 1: she's asking the question and it's funny. Um, it's not funny,
Speaker 1: but I was thinking about a little pre conversation we
Speaker 1: had about this topic with one of our producers, Triple As.
Speaker 1: She said, the conversation that her mom had with her
Speaker 1: about sex. But nobody's gonna do you better than yourself.
Speaker 1: Nobody's gonna do you like you do yourself. So can
Speaker 1: I wonder if I was just saying, I wonder if
Speaker 1: she's been exploring her own body to see what she
Speaker 1: likes and what she doesn't likes. Maybe that can take
Speaker 1: some of the edge off or not. I don't know,
Speaker 1: because I wasn't seven in the Virgins, and I will
Speaker 1: say this to a piggyback of what Anton that said.
Speaker 1: I think it's a point for her to figure out
Speaker 1: what she wants. If she wants to exist in the
Speaker 1: tender culture and be free sexually, there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1: People live in by different moral codes and different moral standards.
Speaker 1: As long as you're living truth to yourself, you're fine.
Speaker 1: But if she does want to exist in the purity culture,
Speaker 1: need be it for us to judge her? For there
Speaker 1: are also men who live by the same standard. For example,
Speaker 1: like Tim Tebow, who said he wasn't going to have
Speaker 1: sexually got married and he did it. And this is
Speaker 1: a world famous, world class athlete who could have had
Speaker 1: his choice of any woman. At one point. He was
Speaker 1: like the greatest football player ever out of Florida who
Speaker 1: chose to stick by his own moral code and to
Speaker 1: stay pure in his own right as a man to
Speaker 1: find a woman to get married to. So there are
Speaker 1: men out there who exist in that same culture if
Speaker 1: you choose to. I wonder if not we should invent
Speaker 1: it is in the same boat. But I'm wondering if
Speaker 1: there are spaces for people who share like that, like
Speaker 1: minded or you know, way of question, probably just because
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're practicing purity or a virgin. But
Speaker 1: I agree with you. I definitely agree that it has
Speaker 1: to be your own choice, right Like so if Tim
Speaker 1: Tebow decided that that was him and he felt confident
Speaker 1: in that, then that's fine. But your listener doesn't feel
Speaker 1: like she feels confident. So it has to be your
Speaker 1: because blowing up my parents. It has to be your values.
Speaker 1: And once you become set in your values, then you know,
Speaker 1: all of the anxiety goes away. I mean, that's you
Speaker 1: know what's funny, That's what it all boils down to,
Speaker 1: is that this is your own person, and you owe
Speaker 1: nobody else. You nobody else anything. You can do what
Speaker 1: you want with who you want, with yourself or with
Speaker 1: someone like that's just a boy home line. You know
Speaker 1: she's not seventeen, she's all right. Rys list their letters.
Speaker 1: Thank you for helping us out with a much you
Speaker 1: appreciated um. And if you out there want to be
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to
Speaker 1: email us at dead s Advice at gmail dot com
Speaker 1: and send us a nice little story, a little context
Speaker 1: so we can try to give y'all our two cents.
Speaker 1: All right, So tell everybody one more time recap where
Speaker 1: they can find you your handles websites give them all
Speaker 1: the ta so when they want to set up these
Speaker 1: sessions with their kids and you, you know, we can
Speaker 1: get them popping. Oh my goodness. If you want to
Speaker 1: find classes in the l A area, both for schools
Speaker 1: and um independent classes, you can go to more than
Speaker 1: sex ed and that's sex head with a hyphen in
Speaker 1: between sex dot org um my personal handle. You want
Speaker 1: to give us the person business, you could do that
Speaker 1: because box might get blown up. I will give him
Speaker 1: the business given the business in fults in the business
Speaker 1: and so actually you can probably just email that would
Speaker 1: be best. So the email they can find through the
Speaker 1: website more than sex hyphen dot org. Yes, perfect, Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, thank you, thank you much. Appreciate it. Alright,
Speaker 1: Moment of truth time. We had a very loaded conversation
Speaker 1: today about the birds and the bees and the babies,
Speaker 1: the baby's babies, but our babies. No, but it does
Speaker 1: start with the babies because something that I learned, it
Speaker 1: was like a lightbulb that just went off. If you
Speaker 1: start with permission with your children, by teaching them personal space,
Speaker 1: how to respect other people's personal space, but how to
Speaker 1: gain respect for their own personal space, everything else will
Speaker 1: probably be very very simple. You know. Something simple is like, hey,
Speaker 1: don't just run up on me and give me a hug.
Speaker 1: You know, let's talk about it first, right, Hey, Dad
Speaker 1: could give you a hug? Hey, Caro, give you a hug?
Speaker 1: Hey Jacks, can Dad give you a kiss? Today? Just
Speaker 1: about asking those questions will create a culture where they
Speaker 1: will understand what consent is and what it isn't. And
Speaker 1: we're not even talking about sex, talking about consent for touching,
Speaker 1: consent for anything. And that's huge for the beginning basis
Speaker 1: of sex education. Absolutely just giving them the autonomy over
Speaker 1: their person like this is what I will allow and
Speaker 1: won't allow, and then giving the same respect to other people.
Speaker 1: That's okay, no, for sure, that's so. UM. I think
Speaker 1: my moment is true is knowing that it's never too
Speaker 1: young to start the conversation with the kids and um,
Speaker 1: you know, starting from you know, very early, you know,
Speaker 1: two and three, where Kira and kas are um with
Speaker 1: just body parts, identifying what they are, using the correct names,
Speaker 1: and then age appropriate conversations there after where you start
Speaker 1: to slowly put things into context, but in a nature,
Speaker 1: in a manner, in a time frame where they can
Speaker 1: actually absorb it and understand it. Um. I think it's
Speaker 1: going to be very important for us moving forward with
Speaker 1: the boys. UM So I look forward to teaming up
Speaker 1: with you, joining forces. Give me a handshake, me a handshake. There,
Speaker 1: there we are, And if you're approaching one on the street,
Speaker 1: you know, meet someone for the first time, maybe ask them,
Speaker 1: are you hugger or do you want to handshake? Your handshake?
Speaker 1: Hug your handshake? So we're handshaking today the way you'd
Speaker 1: be acting about the birds and bees in our own bed.
Speaker 1: I don't know, We're gonna constantly disagreement later on. Be
Speaker 1: sure to follow us on social media at Cadeen, I
Speaker 1: am and developed, And if you're listening on Stitcher, Spotify
Speaker 1: or Apple podcast, be short to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1: Dead As dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We
Speaker 1: are produced by Jackie Soljico and Dinor Opinia are executive
Speaker 1: producer t Square. Our associate producers are Triple and Kristen Torres.
Speaker 1: Our chief content Officer is Chris Bannon. Our studio engineer
Speaker 1: and original music is by Brendan Burns and last but
Speaker 1: not least, we are mixed by Andy Kristen's We'll Back.
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now as part of the stitchen Net.
Speaker 1: We're called Substraction that's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple,
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction, right now, it's out.
Speaker 1: Do it please,