Speaker 1: This is cut to It with Steve Smith Senior at
Speaker 1: production of The Black Effect and I Heart Radio. I'm
Speaker 1: Steve Smith Senior and I'm John And this is cut
Speaker 1: to it. Good do it? Good do they's getting down
Speaker 1: to do it? Good do it. We asked the questions
Speaker 1: you always want to know, but no one ever asked,
Speaker 1: let's cut to it. You ain't heard them about it,
Speaker 1: then we're about to let you know. It's all go
Speaker 1: to snaps. We talked about yesterday, like going to candy Lady,
Speaker 1: let's do that. What up, Jay, Good morning, good Afternoon's up? Brother?
Speaker 1: What's up? Brother? How are you doing? Man? I'm feeling good.
Speaker 1: Over the weekend. I took my daughter out. We just
Speaker 1: we just um, you know, running arians going to the
Speaker 1: gross store, this, that, and I had to stop and
Speaker 1: get gas. And so she loved going into the gas station.
Speaker 1: And we go in and she's like, I want to
Speaker 1: grab some snaps, particular gas stations, because I wanted to
Speaker 1: make sure. I didn't want you to take my niece
Speaker 1: to just like any old one that like it might
Speaker 1: be a chester at the that's that it looks like
Speaker 1: he's trying to snatch kids. No, no, no, no, have
Speaker 1: you been to some chesters? No, no chesters around. You've
Speaker 1: been in some of those gas stations here in North Carolina.
Speaker 1: When I first got here, you got, you got corner stories.
Speaker 1: You got look they call him Humpings down And well
Speaker 1: I first got here, I thought it was super weird
Speaker 1: going to a gas station and the cashier was smoking
Speaker 1: a cigarette. Oh yeah, you still haven't been to like
Speaker 1: deep deep South. Thought like you, you you'd be surprised
Speaker 1: some of the stuff that no smoking. By the listen
Speaker 1: you you gotta think, man, some people are still decades
Speaker 1: behind here in North Carolina. So some people ain't got
Speaker 1: some of the memos. Hold on, hold on, what does
Speaker 1: decades behind have anything to do with nine nineteen eighty
Speaker 1: seventeen seventy gasolene is still flammable? What what does that?
Speaker 1: What does the year have to do with I'm just
Speaker 1: telling you. So you're telling me some people operate a
Speaker 1: little bit different. I'm telling you anyway. So anyway, we
Speaker 1: um your puff of that cigarette too, mother, that'd be
Speaker 1: your lap puff. Way. Um. So we run in the
Speaker 1: q tea and she's like, she want to grab some snacks,
Speaker 1: so she gets some pringles, get some air heads. We
Speaker 1: get back into the car, and so she she's never
Speaker 1: had prinkles before, and so yeah, so get out. So
Speaker 1: I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, I'm like, no, I'm
Speaker 1: that's that's that's your conna. That's that's ending our friendship.
Speaker 1: And you are your kids, don't She just I mean,
Speaker 1: you got like a funyan's face. So I expect that
Speaker 1: I would kick you in your chin right now. Anyway,
Speaker 1: back back to the back to the story. So I'm
Speaker 1: sitting in the car. We get back in the car
Speaker 1: and she's eating the snacks. It took me back, man,
Speaker 1: and we we've talked about like where you grow up,
Speaker 1: where I've grown up, and so for me, one of
Speaker 1: the things we always should do, whether I'm walking to
Speaker 1: the barbershop, whether I'm walking to my grandmother's house, anything
Speaker 1: like that. I used to love stopping at the store
Speaker 1: and I get and I got a couple of dollars,
Speaker 1: or whether I'm going to the barbershop and you know,
Speaker 1: my mom gives me I needed two dollars and ten
Speaker 1: cents because the excuse me a dollar ten cents because
Speaker 1: the solda was sixty cents, and then the snack was
Speaker 1: fifty cents, so they always get you can just have
Speaker 1: one you can just have one dollar to get your snacks.
Speaker 1: You look like you look like you got tell me
Speaker 1: if this snack is I got my go to So
Speaker 1: I'm a load. I think I think your snack was
Speaker 1: you probably got a solda and a big thick pickle. No, no, absolutely,
Speaker 1: that's your So that's that's what it was on your mind.
Speaker 1: So I can see you gotta you gotta stack, you
Speaker 1: gotta you gotta pickle mine, any any anything. So No,
Speaker 1: my go to snack was Tom's Hot Fries, Tom's Tom's
Speaker 1: Hot Fries, Tom's Hot Fries. And and I had a
Speaker 1: blue and white blue and white. That was my go
Speaker 1: to go to barbershop snack. While snack cuts my hair,
Speaker 1: gives you a fade. He's smoking a black and male
Speaker 1: while he cuts you a little bit of black and
Speaker 1: mouth ash my father on your fade. But it's okay,
Speaker 1: it's okay, it's okay. You still got a fresh cut.
Speaker 1: But that was my go to snack. So it took
Speaker 1: me back because it made me think, you know what,
Speaker 1: like my daughter is enjoying going to the store just
Speaker 1: getting a snack. And it takes me back. What was yours?
Speaker 1: What was your going to? Well, first of all, we
Speaker 1: had a candy lady. Yeah, in the candy lady neighborhood.
Speaker 1: We went to Mr. Yeah, we had a candy lady.
Speaker 1: So you go to the house. For some of our listeners,
Speaker 1: we might even we might need to explain what's the candy.
Speaker 1: So the candy lady is this, So you go to
Speaker 1: there's a house, um residential residential house. She doesn't have
Speaker 1: a license. Get over. That's that's why we call it
Speaker 1: a candy because she ain't supposed to be selling the hustle.
Speaker 1: Hustle hustle, all right, So that's went back home they um,
Speaker 1: they don't. They have them skulls and Sam's. But they
Speaker 1: called the bulk places before costcon Sam, we're really really
Speaker 1: up there. It was called smart and Final. So you
Speaker 1: get smart and Final back home, and you can get
Speaker 1: the the sour patch kids, right. The eminem said, the
Speaker 1: big old variety pack fifty in there and they sell
Speaker 1: you fors money and you're going there with change, right.
Speaker 1: The only kind of places you can kind of hand,
Speaker 1: the only places on the growing up in the hood
Speaker 1: that accepted change was a candy lady, Um, you can't.
Speaker 1: You know, you couldn't give everybody change. Everybody didn't accept change.
Speaker 1: So um, so you had that so we would have
Speaker 1: basically we're going there and do all that stuff and um,
Speaker 1: so you buy so my go to like my go
Speaker 1: to snack as a kid, um was always like a
Speaker 1: fruit punch, a free punch drink. It didn't matter be
Speaker 1: high school. I didn't really like Hawaiian punch I was scoring.
Speaker 1: My mom used to buy it and I hated it.
Speaker 1: So I just don't like Hawaiian pumps. Like. So as
Speaker 1: we continue to do the podcast, you'll know there's I've
Speaker 1: been wounded by my folks in some areas. So there's
Speaker 1: two things that would really run me hot Um that
Speaker 1: I personally have a problem with us because every Saturday,
Speaker 1: that's the official cleaning music. I hate shot come on
Speaker 1: and that it means whatever I had playing, I was
Speaker 1: doing Saturday all morning pines. Oh. One time all was
Speaker 1: passed out because she's sprayed pneumonia. Pneumonia you don't get pneumonia, right,
Speaker 1: So she didn't tell me, so SHO was on. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, all right, I'm gonna jump in the shower,
Speaker 1: take me a long shower, so I can kind of
Speaker 1: miss something to clean it. My mama Florence had all
Speaker 1: she had folk miss flow all right, man, she she
Speaker 1: sprayed uh no, right, she sprayed that in there. And
Speaker 1: so we had to shower that like on the track, right,
Speaker 1: you had to step over in the tub. Right that
Speaker 1: po folks right there, you got you got, you got,
Speaker 1: you got the inside shower curtain in the outside. No,
Speaker 1: not the screen. He's just talking about the glass one.
Speaker 1: It wasn't glass, it was perplexiglass, right, And it had
Speaker 1: a little it was something like that. It had a
Speaker 1: little mess so you can't see when you knewe. Right.
Speaker 1: And it had the handle that you put your towel on, right,
Speaker 1: and you better use that towel more than wants. Right.
Speaker 1: And so so I opened up. I turned on the
Speaker 1: shower and opened it up. I don't know how I
Speaker 1: didn't smell the first time, but I turned on the
Speaker 1: shower real quick. Man. I put my nose. I don't
Speaker 1: know why I with my nose first. That chemical came out.
Speaker 1: Damn passed out, was probably burned off. No, I sniffed,
Speaker 1: and I said, whoa, And somehow my mom wonder woman, right,
Speaker 1: single black woman raising two kids on twelve tho dollars
Speaker 1: a year. She caught me bro I hit it and
Speaker 1: almost passed out. Do you think my mom gently woke
Speaker 1: me up? Why they told you play attention? I didn't know.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like uh Ammonia signed on their so house.
Speaker 1: I was supposed to know. And then I had to
Speaker 1: clean up, so I had to clean up dirty booty
Speaker 1: and all while. So that's got your sad on Siday.
Speaker 1: So what was the other I don't know, I forgot,
Speaker 1: but hey, anyway, that's but that's the whole point, man.
Speaker 1: But that's the whole point. Like it really going to
Speaker 1: the corner store, you're going to get snacks. It brings
Speaker 1: up all that going to the corner store too. You
Speaker 1: got the corner store, like you said, you got the
Speaker 1: candy lady, and probably in the same proximity you got
Speaker 1: the liquor house. So you you got, you got the
Speaker 1: whole gambit. At least where I'm from, you got the
Speaker 1: whole thing right there. So yeah, you can, you can,
Speaker 1: you can you can get exposed if so be it.
Speaker 1: I mean, I remember one of my boys went to
Speaker 1: the UH convenience store to the the corner store. Um and
Speaker 1: came back. Brother had no shoes on. Man, they took
Speaker 1: his shoes. They took his shoes. Dog ruthless and one
Speaker 1: of my other boys got robbed. I don't know what
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about this, but he got robbed. And who
Speaker 1: robbed in with a gun. He said, let me see
Speaker 1: your limp. He was like the limp the inside of
Speaker 1: your pocket pocket. He got robbed too. So hey, j
Speaker 1: who's our guest for today? Coming up on the Cut
Speaker 1: to A podcast, We've got Tori Smith, two times Super
Speaker 1: Bowl champion, eight year NFL veteran with the Ravens, forty Niners, Eagles, Panthers,
Speaker 1: and he's the founder of the Tory Smith Family Fund
Speaker 1: with his wife Chanelle. Tory Smith on the Cut to
Speaker 1: It podcast. Right now, you're about to get ice up.
Speaker 1: It's our version of ice breakers, and so we have
Speaker 1: a series of questions. They may or may not have
Speaker 1: follow up. It just depends on how we feel and
Speaker 1: how you answer and how you answered. Absolutely, first job
Speaker 1: you had as a teenager besides cutting grass and little
Speaker 1: eye jabs, My first real job was at Walmart. Walmart,
Speaker 1: you look like a greader. See Actually you're comparing me
Speaker 1: to the aunties checking receipts and everything that is crazy.
Speaker 1: I was actually at the cash register, man, and being
Speaker 1: in high school and having a lot of family in
Speaker 1: the area. Let me tell you, working in the cash
Speaker 1: register wasn't a fun experience because everyone wants to come
Speaker 1: to your line and they want to talk to you
Speaker 1: about everything. But I appreciate what all the world. I
Speaker 1: got all my stuff for college. All her favorite color
Speaker 1: favorite color is blue? Why blue? A lot of water?
Speaker 1: I just made that up, But I've always enjoyed blue.
Speaker 1: But my favorite color combination is red and black. He
Speaker 1: went straight, I see what you did. Favorite movie of
Speaker 1: all times? My favorite movie of all time is Forrest Gump.
Speaker 1: He literally was a part of so many historical moments,
Speaker 1: and he was like it was just naive, like he
Speaker 1: didn't know anything that's going on around him, but he
Speaker 1: was accomplishing amazing things. And it's pretty cool to when
Speaker 1: you were young. Did you think that was really? I
Speaker 1: know I did. I thought Forest was real for a
Speaker 1: little bit. I for sure. I had to google some
Speaker 1: things when I got had to make sure this base
Speaker 1: Alabama right, you know, taking into the house and running
Speaker 1: out of the stadium like it's crazy. Stop, I'm moving on. Okay. One,
Speaker 1: if you can have one superpower, what would it be.
Speaker 1: Put me on the spot with this one. Um, I
Speaker 1: hate traffic, so I'd like to say I'd like to
Speaker 1: be able to fly. Okay, all right, so that's my selfish.
Speaker 1: If you had to say that about you, I would
Speaker 1: say the ability to heal others. Okay, okay, all right.
Speaker 1: The last one you're heading You're heading to a deserted island.
Speaker 1: What do you pack? I can bring my cell phone
Speaker 1: and I need you know, I'm fishing pole, you know,
Speaker 1: go ahead and handing my business out there, and really
Speaker 1: the cell phone just to communicate with people. Um. If
Speaker 1: I can't bring my family, you know, I'm sure as
Speaker 1: long as I can communicate see him on FaceTime. We
Speaker 1: need a break from time to time. Um well yeah,
Speaker 1: just all I need to survive. I'm outdoors and I
Speaker 1: love being outside. I love being in space. And I'm
Speaker 1: also a social introvert. I love to be around people,
Speaker 1: but I also appreciate times when I could just be
Speaker 1: by myself. And the way you be on social media,
Speaker 1: you do not seem like an introvert. Brother, I'm telling you, man,
Speaker 1: I had this social clock, Like when I'm around people
Speaker 1: and it's just like, man, this is enough. I'm out
Speaker 1: here and then drink right around and to be able
Speaker 1: to go. And I don't drink. I don't smoke, So
Speaker 1: certain environments for me are just when there's cigar smoke
Speaker 1: everywhere and people are just drunk and can't handle their liquor.
Speaker 1: I'm just ready to leave. Where where did you grow
Speaker 1: up and where are you from? Just like give us
Speaker 1: the rundown of James Toys. He pulled out the government name. Man.
Speaker 1: He put the government name out there, man. I grew
Speaker 1: up in a small town in Virginia, a small town
Speaker 1: called Colonial Beach, Virginia is known for two things. The
Speaker 1: first President of the United States from the area, George Washington,
Speaker 1: and also the General of the South Robberty Lead. Look
Speaker 1: at that, there isn't really too much going on where
Speaker 1: I'm from, his country, small town. All my families from there,
Speaker 1: and I was raised by my mother from the oldest
Speaker 1: of seven. I was raised on mother and my grandmother,
Speaker 1: and you know, we kind of we went through a
Speaker 1: lot going up. You know, my mother had me when
Speaker 1: she was sixteen years old, so we really grew up together,
Speaker 1: a lot of mistakes she made. You know, I was
Speaker 1: right there along with her for the ride. She She's
Speaker 1: had times, you know, where she was incarcerated, she was
Speaker 1: in a very abusive marriage at one point, and you know,
Speaker 1: I was right along with her on that journey. So
Speaker 1: all of the things that we went through really made
Speaker 1: me who I am. Um. I had to mature and
Speaker 1: grow up a lot earlier than a lot of my peers.
Speaker 1: And because of that, you know, I was able to
Speaker 1: handle and and everything that came my way. You know,
Speaker 1: I tell people all the time, I knew everything there
Speaker 1: was about being a parent besides actually working. And you know,
Speaker 1: I know there were some tough moments and things that
Speaker 1: you know, most kids really shouldn't go through our experience,
Speaker 1: but for me now being an adult, if it shut
Speaker 1: made me who I am. Your mom got incarcerated where
Speaker 1: you were when you were young? You know how young
Speaker 1: were you when she was incarcerating? Yeah, my mom was.
Speaker 1: She was and out of jail um a lot because
Speaker 1: of the relationship that she was in. They would fight
Speaker 1: all the time, and fight all the time. You know,
Speaker 1: she used to fight when she was younger, you know,
Speaker 1: in her childhood wasn't the best either, so it really
Speaker 1: it was just kind of generational curses in my family
Speaker 1: that I you know, my whole goal was to learn
Speaker 1: from my personal experience, and she tried to break them
Speaker 1: as an adult. And I remember when I was in
Speaker 1: probably second grader, so it's probably the last time she
Speaker 1: was in car shot. I take that back. It was
Speaker 1: in third grade and she shot her ex husband. She
Speaker 1: shot him. She said she was aiming for his body
Speaker 1: and she hit him in the knee. So good things
Speaker 1: she can't shoot because you know, she probably wouldn't be
Speaker 1: out here right now, but she had had enough and
Speaker 1: that was probably one of the longest things she had
Speaker 1: And you know, it wasn't over a year, but she
Speaker 1: spent some months behind bars, for sure. But I just
Speaker 1: remember being there and visiting her one time, and to
Speaker 1: be honest, that was probably one of the last times
Speaker 1: I had actually been in a prison to visit a
Speaker 1: family member. There, I take that, but there was maybe
Speaker 1: two other times. But I never liked it that that
Speaker 1: was the last time I saw my mother behind bars,
Speaker 1: But that wasn't the last time that she was actually
Speaker 1: behind bars, and I just couldn't put it in my
Speaker 1: mind to to see her in that condition, you know,
Speaker 1: to see her behind bars, because I know she's a
Speaker 1: flawed woman, just like I'm a flawed man. But that's
Speaker 1: my mom. I know, I know her heart, and so
Speaker 1: it was tough for me to see that, which is
Speaker 1: probably sounds crazy for me saying that, because we we've
Speaker 1: been to prisons together, Um, you know, visiting people, and
Speaker 1: I can do that all day, but to me, it's tough,
Speaker 1: you know, looking at my own family member, you know,
Speaker 1: in that situation, and it's something that I told her
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't do and I haven't to this day.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'll get over it a little bit, but to me,
Speaker 1: that's honestly a little bit of trauma there that I've
Speaker 1: I've tried to stay away from. But you know, it's
Speaker 1: like I said, it wasn't the last time that it happened,
Speaker 1: but it was the last time for a long time
Speaker 1: before she had another incident. You're saying that you're still traumatized.
Speaker 1: What what are so many things that you're dealing with,
Speaker 1: you know obviously as a man, a father, a husband,
Speaker 1: you know, and then ultimately a son that you're still
Speaker 1: trying to get through. Yeah, that's probably one of the
Speaker 1: biggest things for me as an adult. You know, you're
Speaker 1: you don't realize things when when it happens to you, right,
Speaker 1: And as men, especially Black men, you're kind of taught
Speaker 1: to just suck it up, holding in, stay to yourself
Speaker 1: and keep going. You know, I found myself as a
Speaker 1: young and you know, being angry um about certain things,
Speaker 1: and I didn't really know how to communicate it. And
Speaker 1: so I understand when I see a kid now out
Speaker 1: that's lashing out, and I'm like, man, like, I see
Speaker 1: that because I've been in your shoes, um as an
Speaker 1: adult looking at my kids. Now, you know whether it's abused,
Speaker 1: whether it's the way I communicate with my wife. These
Speaker 1: are all things that I had to learn, Like, you
Speaker 1: don't know that you have issues until you're around somebody
Speaker 1: that lets you know that you're wrong. Yeah, well you
Speaker 1: didn't have a playbook, right, And and experiencing that kind
Speaker 1: of trauma, it's it's it's definitely big. And I think
Speaker 1: for all three of us. I know, you know, Smithy
Speaker 1: has his own background, My mom has been through and
Speaker 1: a survival of domestic violence as well, and so it
Speaker 1: is a lot. And while I didn't witness my mom.
Speaker 1: You see the reverberations and how you just deal with her,
Speaker 1: and so just sharing that, you know, how you deal
Speaker 1: with your mom and and and the and the trauma
Speaker 1: that you've dealt with it. That's man, it's it's it's
Speaker 1: tough because we all are you know, we all are
Speaker 1: taught just kind of deal with it, go on. We
Speaker 1: we we process it and we move on. But we
Speaker 1: really don't process you do it. We don't at all.
Speaker 1: And that's the toughest process it. Bro I just thinking
Speaker 1: about it, going back into some of the stuff that
Speaker 1: I witnessed as as a as a youngster, watching my
Speaker 1: mom deal with some of the stuff that she's she
Speaker 1: dealt with with her her husband when he was when
Speaker 1: he was alive when I was younger. I can I
Speaker 1: can literally go back and close my eyes and see
Speaker 1: those times that like midnight, one am, when the when
Speaker 1: my mom's you know, now he's passed away, husband, you
Speaker 1: should just be raider and talk down to her, and
Speaker 1: she was. I remember specifically one time she was. He
Speaker 1: was standing over her, calling her all these calling names,
Speaker 1: and she was crouched down and just fearing for her life.
Speaker 1: And we were living on Cambridge Avenue, the Duplex, and
Speaker 1: I just remember that even at forty one right now,
Speaker 1: I can remember that. You remember the smell, I can't.
Speaker 1: I can remember the pain color, I remember the I
Speaker 1: remember the like crazy, the what do they? I don't
Speaker 1: even now that I'm I guess now that I'm I'm
Speaker 1: an adult and got a little change in my pocket,
Speaker 1: like they don't even we call them armed wars, but
Speaker 1: they were like TV stands, And I remember the TV
Speaker 1: stand like I can visualize everything, and so hearing what
Speaker 1: you said, I can't imagine. I don't know. I guess
Speaker 1: for me, is there some shows that I watched today
Speaker 1: that I have to turn off because it triggers something
Speaker 1: in me, that stirs something up in me that's just
Speaker 1: like overwhelmed me. So I'm I can't imagine. Do you
Speaker 1: go through that now, toy? Do you? Did? You know?
Speaker 1: If you watch and obviously how violent shows are you
Speaker 1: when you see someone, especially a woman that is maybe
Speaker 1: pulling the trigger of a of a significant other, do
Speaker 1: you go back in time a little bit? Do you
Speaker 1: have that trauma or you just kind of like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's just a TV show. No, it's for sure brings
Speaker 1: you back to that moment, you know, just listening to y'all, Like,
Speaker 1: you know, there's a thousand in cents that I can
Speaker 1: think of, Well, I remember the smell of the car,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It's just like you remember
Speaker 1: every single thing. And that to me isn't something that
Speaker 1: I realized, Like it's stuck with me. Not because it
Speaker 1: was a great memory, but it was a traumatic experience.
Speaker 1: And so when you're watching TV and you see a
Speaker 1: story comes up, or you're looking at a kid that's
Speaker 1: curled up that feels like they're powerless, you know, like
Speaker 1: you remember what it was like to be in that situation.
Speaker 1: You know, when you're watching a man and his tone
Speaker 1: dealing with the woman, you realize, dang, like that's an issue,
Speaker 1: you know. And and even in myself, like I try
Speaker 1: to make sure that even when I'm talking to my
Speaker 1: wife that I'm not letting my tone get to a place.
Speaker 1: I will never physically put my hand my hands on
Speaker 1: my wife, but I know that the way my tone
Speaker 1: could be could be just as dangerous as putting my
Speaker 1: hands on my wife. And so that's that's important for
Speaker 1: me to know. But I come from a family where
Speaker 1: communication between my mother and my grandmother was hot stop.
Speaker 1: You know, my mother in the way we communicate that
Speaker 1: time she talked to us because of her own pain
Speaker 1: was hot style. And so you have to learn like
Speaker 1: if that's all you know, you think that's just how
Speaker 1: people communicate, right, And it's introduced me to the fact
Speaker 1: that I know, like, yeah, I'm about to talk to
Speaker 1: me like that just thing, okay, all right? Like and
Speaker 1: so there's things that I seriously like my wife, Like
Speaker 1: people talk about being woke now about social issues, Like
Speaker 1: my wife made me woke and aware of my own
Speaker 1: issues that I haven't dealt with or that I needed
Speaker 1: to deal with. How are you dealing with those right now?
Speaker 1: And I've had to talk to counselors in the past.
Speaker 1: I've had to talk to my peers. I've had to
Speaker 1: talk to Steve Smith. I've had to talk to an Kwanbo.
Speaker 1: Then you know, I've had to talk to some of
Speaker 1: my receiver coaches, Jim Hustler, Bobby Ingraham, you know, like
Speaker 1: there are some some great men um that I've I've
Speaker 1: had the Adam Henry, you know, he's down there in
Speaker 1: Dallas right now to receive goes for the Cowboys, Like
Speaker 1: these are men that I was able to talk to
Speaker 1: about real issues. But guess what, they all had experiences too,
Speaker 1: which is something that to me, and being in an
Speaker 1: environment where, like I said, as young black men, and
Speaker 1: even mental health in the black community in general, it's
Speaker 1: like a stigma, like it's negative to go get help. Yep.
Speaker 1: The reality of it is like, no one if you
Speaker 1: continue to hold all this stuff in, like you're never
Speaker 1: gonna be able to heal and move on. Why do
Speaker 1: you think it's it's such a big stigma. And obviously
Speaker 1: in the black community. And the reason I say the
Speaker 1: black community is because you're listening to Tory Smith and
Speaker 1: cut to it, and this is an audio podcast and
Speaker 1: we're black. So that's why we're saying black men. Because
Speaker 1: I don't know what it's like to not be a
Speaker 1: black man. But I also don't act like I know
Speaker 1: what it's like two be a non black man. And
Speaker 1: so there is especially right now in this climate that
Speaker 1: there is a little bit of times people are like, well,
Speaker 1: why does it all you have to be black, you know,
Speaker 1: or why does it have to be race? You know?
Speaker 1: Sometimes racists just used as a you know, as a
Speaker 1: measuring stick, or also just to to paint a picture
Speaker 1: of what people experience like, I mean, you know, I
Speaker 1: hate to say this way, but a short guy has
Speaker 1: no idea what it's like to deal with being a
Speaker 1: seven foot tall guy trying to get into a small car.
Speaker 1: Like there are thing that you have to deal with
Speaker 1: that other people don't have to deal with. So that's
Speaker 1: why I say, as a black man or black men,
Speaker 1: why is mental health such a stigma in the community,
Speaker 1: where when you really think about it, when you just
Speaker 1: strip away all of everything, Bro, you gotta imagine, Tory,
Speaker 1: you what you've dealt with as a young man, watching
Speaker 1: your mother shoot her husband, me watching my mom get
Speaker 1: beat by her husband, Gerard watching his mom get beat
Speaker 1: by her husband. And to say that this doesn't have
Speaker 1: an impact on you, you don't see the world a
Speaker 1: little bit. We apprehension, man, you gotta be blank and
Speaker 1: kid me. It's what we have experienced as young men.
Speaker 1: There are some people are walking in that are walking
Speaker 1: around having never experienced that will never experience it. And
Speaker 1: thankfully my kids will never experience having to watch me
Speaker 1: put my hands on my wife. The only thing I
Speaker 1: put my hands on is a gentle hand on my wife.
Speaker 1: But you know what I'm saying. But it's just it's
Speaker 1: it's experiences, man, And I think what all of us
Speaker 1: are saying is that we're just so often taught as
Speaker 1: black men and maybe as men in general, but our
Speaker 1: experiences are as black men, we're taught suck it up,
Speaker 1: don't say nothing, don't tell the family secrets. We're gonna
Speaker 1: talk about uncle uncle Earl down the street and what
Speaker 1: he's done. Right, Like we just we we always and
Speaker 1: to elaborate on it. We just always keep it within.
Speaker 1: We keep all our family business within the family. That's
Speaker 1: just it seems you don't hear your dirty laundry. It's
Speaker 1: about to me, and I think that's trauming itself. One
Speaker 1: thing that in the black community that we've struggled with,
Speaker 1: specifically along the lines of mental health, is that it's like,
Speaker 1: all right, everyone around you is dealing with it, right,
Speaker 1: and that's that's why generalizing it. But what people are
Speaker 1: saying is that, okay, uncle uncle Earl was dealing with it.
Speaker 1: You know, you you can talk to your peers there
Speaker 1: some people are dealing with the exact same things. But
Speaker 1: it's like you want to protect the people in your home.
Speaker 1: Still in spite of their flaws, you know, and we
Speaker 1: are consistently told and taught as men's tough and like
Speaker 1: it's about being masculine and strong, like you're weak if
Speaker 1: you have to reach out and you can't control what
Speaker 1: your thoughts are in your mind, you know, and in
Speaker 1: other communities, you know, it's important to speak of like
Speaker 1: I know people who are you know, some of my
Speaker 1: wife friends from high school who were dealing with issues
Speaker 1: with sports, dealing with losing and it was okay for
Speaker 1: them and their parents were willing to have them reach
Speaker 1: out to a counselor or to a therapist. In the
Speaker 1: black community, Oh you're talking to the crazy folks. You're
Speaker 1: gonna you gotta go to the crazy house. You know.
Speaker 1: You kind of get judged for wanting to reach out
Speaker 1: to get help. So that's why it's important for men
Speaker 1: like us to speak out about it, because people are
Speaker 1: dealing with issues. A lot of the issues we see now,
Speaker 1: whether it's crime really specifically talking about crime. When you
Speaker 1: see it, you know, I see the kid who witnessed abuse,
Speaker 1: who had no guidance, who couldn't trust people like I
Speaker 1: couldn't trust people because that the people who are responsible
Speaker 1: for providing for you, are putting you in environments that
Speaker 1: you know, as a child you shouldn't even be in.
Speaker 1: Like you're gonna have some trust issues. You know, you
Speaker 1: may follow the wrong crowd because of that. And that's
Speaker 1: not to make excuse for everyone's issues, but I understand
Speaker 1: and so to me, like, that's a big thing that
Speaker 1: we had to continue to talk about because again, we
Speaker 1: all have these problems. And I would have never known
Speaker 1: Steve had these problems if I didn't talk to Steve
Speaker 1: about it, right, I didn't. I wouldn't know g had it.
Speaker 1: We didn't talk about it. So it's important for us
Speaker 1: to continue that conversation man to be better and to
Speaker 1: break that because we have our issues dealing with your
Speaker 1: trauma and negative experiences. You can't do it alone. We
Speaker 1: need to pause, take a moment, refresh yourself. I love
Speaker 1: cut to It, and I love it even more when
Speaker 1: you download us and subscribe, and you can follow us
Speaker 1: on social media too, Smithie, where where at that's at?
Speaker 1: Cut to It on Instagram? What about Twitter? At cut
Speaker 1: to It? Facebook? Cut to It featuring Steve Smith singr?
Speaker 1: What about online? And you can follow us at cut
Speaker 1: to It Podcast dot com where you can buy merch
Speaker 1: and you can subscribe to us wherever you listen to podcasts.
Speaker 1: I got all my answers questions. Uh yeah, I got
Speaker 1: all my questions answered. That's what I'm here for. A
Speaker 1: brother cut to a podcast dot com. How did you
Speaker 1: handle carrying all this to the University of Maryland at
Speaker 1: some point? You know, I don't know if there was
Speaker 1: something that I wouldn't say there was honestly a moment
Speaker 1: or anything just clicked. But that was just my life, right,
Speaker 1: like I I was, no matter what was going on
Speaker 1: around us. My mother said, I need to have good grades,
Speaker 1: right regardless of our situation. We could be moving, you know,
Speaker 1: basically out of our car. You know, I moved before
Speaker 1: I was sixteen. We moved over twenty times, and you go,
Speaker 1: and no matter what happened, I was supposed to have
Speaker 1: great grades. Stay right there though you moved twenty times
Speaker 1: because of what? Why did you move twenty times? Because
Speaker 1: when somebody hears when you moved twenty times, they just go, Man,
Speaker 1: that's a lot. But your mom had you and you
Speaker 1: were six when she was sixteen. You are one of seven, okay,
Speaker 1: sixteen years old, having a child that is a fiscal responsibility.
Speaker 1: That's tough. And it doesn't seem like you're a military
Speaker 1: by It ain't like she was getting relocated because of
Speaker 1: her She was a CEO of a company. She was
Speaker 1: a child having a child, right. I mean when you
Speaker 1: think about you know, for my mother, one, let's get
Speaker 1: her to she's in her twenties, right, she's living, she's working.
Speaker 1: My mother always worked. That's one thing. She's a grinder.
Speaker 1: What happened what I'm telling you about, Like my mother
Speaker 1: was a grinder. That's where I got my work ethic
Speaker 1: from my mother and my grandmother because they did whatever,
Speaker 1: like being young and moving. You know, there are different asws.
Speaker 1: So for example, right, I told you she met disabusive,
Speaker 1: disabusive ex husband of her and I remember the first
Speaker 1: time we had to leave my town to Colonia Beach
Speaker 1: was because we got evicted. We got evictive because this
Speaker 1: guy punch the guy that was coming to fix something
Speaker 1: in the house in the mouth. And then the lady,
Speaker 1: the maintenance lady, the lady who's managing the property, excuse me,
Speaker 1: not the maining the manager of the property. They went
Speaker 1: over there to talk to her. He'd beat her up,
Speaker 1: and the other, so the apartments that I grew up
Speaker 1: and my mom is technically barred off the property right
Speaker 1: now because of him. And you talk about a traumatic experience.
Speaker 1: When my grandmother lived down the street, and you know,
Speaker 1: obviously I wanted to go live with her, you know,
Speaker 1: with my brothers, and in the meantime to my mom
Speaker 1: could find a place. And I remember watching them take
Speaker 1: all of our stuff out and put it on the corner.
Speaker 1: You know, we didn't have a storage unit, right, We
Speaker 1: didn't have money for that. We didn't have a trucks
Speaker 1: to go and pick it up and maybe put in somebody.
Speaker 1: I'm watching people go out there and take our stuff,
Speaker 1: and I'm like guarding it like a little chihuahua, like
Speaker 1: trying to protect you know that their grandma owner. Right.
Speaker 1: Like I'm walking around and I'm like, no, put it back.
Speaker 1: That's my brothers, you know, that's my toy that I'm
Speaker 1: trying to protect it. And I remember my grandma just
Speaker 1: grabbing me coming out there and get me and saying
Speaker 1: it's okay, baby, just come on, we'll get it back.
Speaker 1: And like that moment to me hurt. Man, he still
Speaker 1: hurts even talking about it now. I know it sounds
Speaker 1: little like man, but like man like that that hurt,
Speaker 1: you know, just watching all of that just go out
Speaker 1: the window, and not even because of her mistakes, just
Speaker 1: because of the man that was able to influence it
Speaker 1: and understanding that too. Um wh I'm talking about the
Speaker 1: man that was able to influencer learning from him. It
Speaker 1: wasn't just about the abuse aspect or the power that
Speaker 1: men have, but watching him there let me know the
Speaker 1: power that we have, um to influence a woman who
Speaker 1: wants to be led, a woman who's willing to trust
Speaker 1: you and love you and give you their all, like
Speaker 1: we have the power to influence them, and we and
Speaker 1: to who much is getting? Much is required? And too often,
Speaker 1: you know, we neglect our responsibility and take advantage of
Speaker 1: well for selfish reasons. And I was able to learn
Speaker 1: that from him, you know, because I I used to
Speaker 1: you know, I would have some hard feelings towards my mom, like,
Speaker 1: you know, like how could you be this stupid? Like
Speaker 1: I know, I know this is wrong, and I'm a kid.
Speaker 1: So if I know this wrong, this is wrong, why
Speaker 1: can't you just leave? You know? Why are we in
Speaker 1: this situation? Why do you keep getting why you keep
Speaker 1: fighting him. You're going to jail because of him. If
Speaker 1: I'm able to recognize this as a kid, that y'all
Speaker 1: are the problem relationship wise, why can't you? And then
Speaker 1: I got older and I realized, Okay, you know, I
Speaker 1: was in College Park or just getting ready to leave
Speaker 1: College Park. She had multiple kids and had him to
Speaker 1: influence her, and the perspective matter, you know, And even
Speaker 1: though I do, I feel like, you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: tough too, or it shouldn't be that hard to recognize that.
Speaker 1: I recognized that when you have issues yourself and you
Speaker 1: don't know what real love is like, that's an issue
Speaker 1: as well. And that's something that I struggle with as
Speaker 1: an adult. It's crazy what you're saying, because I can
Speaker 1: go back and remember my mom married her husband. His
Speaker 1: name was Sylvester, and I remember when she married him,
Speaker 1: she had a little small ceremony after several times of
Speaker 1: him just dog just just dog cussing her. And I
Speaker 1: remember the day she married him. I was in a
Speaker 1: little ceremony. I went to the bathroom, I looked in
Speaker 1: the mirror, and I remember that was the day that
Speaker 1: I lost my mom. And I have not connected with
Speaker 1: my mom in a way that a child supposed to
Speaker 1: connect with his mom till his day. And it's something
Speaker 1: that's so bad that in my second year in the league,
Speaker 1: my second year in the league bro off season, my
Speaker 1: mom calls me crying. She called me crying and said
Speaker 1: she was like, I gotta tell you something. I'm like,
Speaker 1: what's up? What she was like, Sylvester died. I didn't
Speaker 1: care that Sylvestor was dead. I was trying to figure out,
Speaker 1: why are you calling me after this man abandoned you
Speaker 1: beat you down, and then you called me as an
Speaker 1: adult talking about a man who pretty much emotionally destroyed
Speaker 1: our family. M hm, And you calling me crying that
Speaker 1: he died and he didn't die like they were together.
Speaker 1: He died because he got a robbery charge and died
Speaker 1: in jail of a heart of time. And she's calling
Speaker 1: me crying and was upset that I didn't receive the
Speaker 1: information with with empathy. I had no empathy, and and
Speaker 1: talking about empathy and kind of going is like why
Speaker 1: one of the reasons I don't trust people is I
Speaker 1: struggled with trust at such a young age in my household,
Speaker 1: from the from the people that are so that that
Speaker 1: give you life. That's supposed to be the most trustworthy
Speaker 1: people that you can be is Mom and pop. H
Speaker 1: Even til this day, it is one of the reason
Speaker 1: why a stranger comes up to me, it's like, Hey,
Speaker 1: what's going on? Right? I don't I have no I'm
Speaker 1: so guarded and so little Steve on, little Smitty that
Speaker 1: I'm like now, I'm good, Like I don't want to.
Speaker 1: I really don't want to interact with strangers because I
Speaker 1: don't know what that person is gonna do to me.
Speaker 1: I don't know how that person will impact me long
Speaker 1: term or short term. So I'm better off just keep
Speaker 1: myself at a distance. Like I could talk to people
Speaker 1: all the time, I'll walk away and go. I will
Speaker 1: never talk to that person ever again, just because I'm
Speaker 1: so closed in and I'm so wounded. Right and many
Speaker 1: months and years and as to three hundred dollars accession
Speaker 1: with a counselor that I believe now it was all
Speaker 1: worth it. I think I got more out of the
Speaker 1: other session that they did, because if I didn't address
Speaker 1: those things, just like tour, I think personally, I would
Speaker 1: be in jail or dead right now, just because of
Speaker 1: the wounds that I experienced and how much anger and
Speaker 1: loneliness that I had. I think it also just goes
Speaker 1: to show, like the tentacles that all this stuff has,
Speaker 1: it's deeply rooted, and it's and it's in you and
Speaker 1: you know, as a forty one year old man, as
Speaker 1: as you know men in their thirties, you know, Tori
Speaker 1: and I, it's the tentacles are deep, and then we
Speaker 1: can get into a whole different conversation and we'll have
Speaker 1: to transition. But it also shows how systemic some of
Speaker 1: this stuff is. Right, And my question to you to
Speaker 1: kind of lead back, is, you know, Tori, I know you.
Speaker 1: You ended up going to the University of Maryland, but
Speaker 1: you're you're a criminal justice major. M hmm. Do you
Speaker 1: think any of your childhood and coming up influenced you're
Speaker 1: choosing that as a major and then transitioning during your
Speaker 1: playing career and now post your career, why you do
Speaker 1: so much criminal justice? Social justice work had everything to
Speaker 1: do with it. You know, I recognize earlier on that
Speaker 1: we had issues, systemic issues within our criminal justice system.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm watching people that I know and love,
Speaker 1: I'm going to jail for using drugs or even selling drugs.
Speaker 1: But I know, people that don't look like them in
Speaker 1: terms of skin color that get fines or shorter sentences.
Speaker 1: And to me, like hearing that early on, that man
Speaker 1: he was doing the same thing my cousin was doing. Like,
Speaker 1: how is how did that happen? Right? Like? And so
Speaker 1: you start to learn things, and you know, you see
Speaker 1: the way, um again, people are charged, and there was
Speaker 1: a major discrepancy that I was able to see with
Speaker 1: my own two eyes. And beyond that, when it came
Speaker 1: to policing in general, um, which is still a part
Speaker 1: of the criminal justice system in my eyes, because you
Speaker 1: know that's amazing branch. The police are the enforcers, right, Um.
Speaker 1: I was able to witness police brutality at an early age.
Speaker 1: You know, I was able to see that some officers
Speaker 1: Please note that I said some, Yes, I agree with you,
Speaker 1: some off them. How all officers abuse power. And you know,
Speaker 1: I've seen people get beat I've seen people. You know,
Speaker 1: he's like the same way you pick the bully picks
Speaker 1: on uh, the kid in class, I've seen police officers
Speaker 1: pick on civilians. And to me, there's always a big difference.
Speaker 1: Right if the civilian uh fights back at the bully,
Speaker 1: then there's an issue, um for them that could literally
Speaker 1: lead to death. I've only seen abuse, but it could
Speaker 1: lead to death if you make the wrong move. So um,
Speaker 1: and not to mention the jail time that you're gonna
Speaker 1: get thrown at you. But I recognized that at an
Speaker 1: early age and also in my mom's situation, which we
Speaker 1: didn't touch on but I'm sure you probably will. When
Speaker 1: I was in college, Um, my mother was arrested for
Speaker 1: the first time and over ten twelve years probably, and
Speaker 1: she was actually arrested for fighting my sister in law
Speaker 1: and my mother was attacked first. I don't know everyone
Speaker 1: says this, but you know, my sister in law will
Speaker 1: even say that's the truth. Uh, you don't. My mother
Speaker 1: first and expected to turn the other cheek. I know
Speaker 1: that's what we're supposed to do biblically, but Mona came
Speaker 1: doing that right. It's just the truth. And you know
Speaker 1: she my assistant law m. P Her put her hands
Speaker 1: on my mother, and my mother passed my nephew who
Speaker 1: she was holding at the time. Passed my nephew off
Speaker 1: and she ended up with the malicious wounding charge from
Speaker 1: fighting her and apparently a tooth was loose and some
Speaker 1: other things. So I'm in college part so she gave
Speaker 1: her I don't mean to make light of it, but
Speaker 1: let's be honest. She gave her all she wanted, gave
Speaker 1: her everything that she wanted, and it was it was.
Speaker 1: It wasn't a good situation afterwards, legally because it happened
Speaker 1: in the same county that my mother had experienced the
Speaker 1: majority of her charges, who had the same d A
Speaker 1: that had been there for thirty years, so he knew
Speaker 1: her since she was a teenager. So so she got
Speaker 1: arrested jail. You are what in college? I am finishing
Speaker 1: up my restret sophomore year that spring, so I'll never
Speaker 1: forget this. We were at in Annapolis, Maryland, and they
Speaker 1: have an award where they bring together Navy in Maryland
Speaker 1: and they honored the m v P. S Well, I
Speaker 1: was the m VP of Maryland that year, and my
Speaker 1: mother was coming up for the banquet and she wasn't
Speaker 1: there on time, and I'm like all I kept calling him,
Speaker 1: like man, what do you ask? She didn't answer, and
Speaker 1: so they end up popping up late. Um when I
Speaker 1: saw her, she came up with my grandmother, but she
Speaker 1: had her hand wrapped and I was confused, um, but
Speaker 1: clearly she had an altercation. She was like, I'll talk
Speaker 1: to you about it afterwards. Well, afterwards, she gets a
Speaker 1: phone call that you have a warn out for your arrest.
Speaker 1: You need to turn yourself in, and she was like, well,
Speaker 1: what am I being charged for it? You know, like
Speaker 1: she hit me first, which we know legally, you know,
Speaker 1: there's a difference between self defense and putting the palls
Speaker 1: on somebody. In the words of Steve Smith, you know
Speaker 1: like that there's legally, you know, you can run into
Speaker 1: some issues even if someone hit you first. She ended
Speaker 1: up turning herself in. This is in February. Hold on
Speaker 1: those one of the things you skipped over because I
Speaker 1: know you well enough. When she comes up late and
Speaker 1: she has her hand wrapped, what's going through your mind? Bro?
Speaker 1: Real talk like be honest. I didn't, man, I didn't
Speaker 1: know if she had an accident. I didn't know what
Speaker 1: because her tone, you know, there were so many like
Speaker 1: think of like banquets style. You have a banquet, there's
Speaker 1: a couple hundred people around, and so you couldn't. You couldn't.
Speaker 1: You couldn't like the diction, but I knew something. I
Speaker 1: knew something was up. This is the thing. She didn't
Speaker 1: have a single scratch on her So, like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm right, you know, I like, I really I was
Speaker 1: really confused, like that she cut her hand or what.
Speaker 1: But then when you see her answer that phone call,
Speaker 1: and you know she told her she had to turn
Speaker 1: herself in, you know, that's a different kind of conversation.
Speaker 1: I'm still thinking even then, Okay, well she had to
Speaker 1: turn herself and she'll get her out. They'll have her
Speaker 1: then court and they'll talk it out or whatever, and
Speaker 1: they'll drop the charge right at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: It was a family issue. Well, February of two thousand
Speaker 1: and ten turned into my mom not being released until
Speaker 1: almost July or August of that same year. My mother
Speaker 1: couldn't afford a great lawyer. Um, she didn't have a
Speaker 1: bail that we could afford. This is a woman that
Speaker 1: was in jail, that hadn't been in trouble for ten
Speaker 1: twelve years, who had her rights restored. Who we went
Speaker 1: from struggling her working two jobs and that's barely being
Speaker 1: above the poverty line, to all of a sudden she
Speaker 1: gets her rights restored. She educated herself throughout the entire
Speaker 1: process and she was making six figures. She gets into
Speaker 1: this incident and then she loses it all again. She's
Speaker 1: back at the bottom, and I was hopeless. There wasn't
Speaker 1: a single thing that I could do to help the situation.
Speaker 1: I'm in college, I can't really leave early. I don't
Speaker 1: have a job. I'm not having money. My brothers and
Speaker 1: sisters at home with her then um fiance, well husband now,
Speaker 1: but her partner back then. And what am I gonna do?
Speaker 1: You know, all this time, all these years, you know,
Speaker 1: I was there. I was in the house so I
Speaker 1: could help manage my brothers and sister. And in this situation,
Speaker 1: I felt powerless. Like I remember going to coach Regan's
Speaker 1: office and talking to him about it at Maryland. He
Speaker 1: was the head coach and I wasn't tears. Man, I
Speaker 1: just like, man, I just nothing I can do, you know,
Speaker 1: Like how am I gonna make sure that the bills
Speaker 1: don't get cut off? Like my mom had bought a house,
Speaker 1: like she was a homeowner now, Like you don't know
Speaker 1: how much things shane over that ten years and she's
Speaker 1: a homeowner. She's paying her mortgage on time. And now
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out how can I work during
Speaker 1: springball to try to make money. How can I get
Speaker 1: a job to try to make money to make sure
Speaker 1: that the bills are on and you can't and you
Speaker 1: can't really work because you're under scholarship. You received a
Speaker 1: scholarship to your student athlete. That's a whole system. So
Speaker 1: you're a student athlete, your mom is in your mom
Speaker 1: is going to jail, or she's currently in jail. You
Speaker 1: have six other brothers and sisters that are dependent now
Speaker 1: on you. You over here still trying to get your
Speaker 1: nail's number right, You're trying to solidify your place in
Speaker 1: the world at the University of Maryland. H you're juggling. Now.
Speaker 1: You go from a student athlete kid to now of
Speaker 1: a sudden, responsible adult, a responsible adult with limited resources,
Speaker 1: Like there is no there is no money that you
Speaker 1: can get from your coaches legally, right, Like that didn't
Speaker 1: happen for me, um And I was able to find
Speaker 1: an internship that I was able to make some money from.
Speaker 1: And you know, we just focused on the bills, you know,
Speaker 1: like you talked about larning financial literacy. Well, when you know, Okay,
Speaker 1: we're lucky that she has a house that she bought
Speaker 1: or we will be getting victory at the end of
Speaker 1: the month. It would be moved twenty two or one, right,
Speaker 1: And I knew then. And also I had a friend
Speaker 1: who was who was in the process of going through
Speaker 1: the drafting, Bruce Campbell. What you guys know Big Bruce. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Big Bruce actually loaned me some money. Man um, he
Speaker 1: loaned me some money. And that was the he's the
Speaker 1: best man. That's one of my best friends in the world.
Speaker 1: And along with that and working, I was able to
Speaker 1: make sure that the bills are paid and she didn't
Speaker 1: get evicted or they didn't get evicted because she didn't
Speaker 1: get out to July. And guess what, when she gets
Speaker 1: out in July, she has to start all over. She's
Speaker 1: a felon. So that was that that six figure job,
Speaker 1: everything's gone back to the bottom. So it's like the
Speaker 1: situation that she was in never even happened. And part
Speaker 1: of the reason why I left Maryland was because of
Speaker 1: that situation. And I talked about it a little bit,
Speaker 1: but everyone doesn't really know. I'll probably just go ahead
Speaker 1: and tell you right now. You know, we went on
Speaker 1: that whole year and I was going to start my
Speaker 1: red shirt junior year football wise, and I remember getting
Speaker 1: on the phone when she got out in like July
Speaker 1: or August. I'm not sure of the month, but I
Speaker 1: just remember coach Freedon gave me permission to leave practice,
Speaker 1: so I'm pretty sure it may have been August to
Speaker 1: go get it um from jail. And so I remember
Speaker 1: getting a phone call with her from the bill collectors
Speaker 1: and they were gonna foreclose at home, and I was like, listen,
Speaker 1: and if y'all can wait until New Year's I'm going
Speaker 1: to have the money. I had no clue if I
Speaker 1: was going to be able to leave early. You know,
Speaker 1: I knew I was, you know, one of the higher
Speaker 1: rated guys, but I could have went out there and
Speaker 1: sucked anything that could have got hurt anything. But I
Speaker 1: was just able to hold them off until New Year.
Speaker 1: So my whole motivation that season, I had two classes
Speaker 1: during the fall because I front loaded everything, and I graduated.
Speaker 1: I graduated that December. But also I played very well,
Speaker 1: and so I went to college. My number one goal
Speaker 1: was to graduate, and now I had the opportunity to
Speaker 1: go and try to provide and really save my family situation.
Speaker 1: And I ended up having that money on New year's
Speaker 1: and my family. You know, I had a place to stay,
Speaker 1: got a place, got a place to stay now forever. Yeah,
Speaker 1: been blessed man, Sure thankful. There are so many young
Speaker 1: Tory Smith's, Gerard little John, Steve Smith Seniors or Steve
Speaker 1: Smith Jrs. Right that are really trying to say, Nobody
Speaker 1: gets me, Nobody really understands what I'm experiencing. I'm just
Speaker 1: a kid. I'm just somebody bitching and complaining. Nobody really
Speaker 1: understands or you give light to what these young men
Speaker 1: and women. There are women w n b A, lawyers, doctors,
Speaker 1: women who are going through the same struggle, whose parents
Speaker 1: had them or mom had them at a young age
Speaker 1: that feel hopeless. What do you tell that person that's
Speaker 1: listening right now, how they not give up? How do
Speaker 1: they not fall into the and in the mental drowning
Speaker 1: of looking at this, it really feels like nability to
Speaker 1: to reality. It's tough, you know, That's the first thing
Speaker 1: I tell But it was tough. Um, it's not going
Speaker 1: to be easy. But I'll just let people know that
Speaker 1: whatever you're experiencing or going through, when whether it's right
Speaker 1: now or a child in my shoes or even adult
Speaker 1: that's still doing those issues, like, if you can control
Speaker 1: what you can control, you can make it out of
Speaker 1: your situation. You know, My entire hustle and grind and
Speaker 1: motivation wasn't about the situation now was in the past.
Speaker 1: It was like, man, how do I make sure that
Speaker 1: when I'm older and not control what I'm doing, that
Speaker 1: my life isn't like this? How do I make sure
Speaker 1: that the life for my future kids isn't going to
Speaker 1: be like this? And it wasn't. It's not all financial,
Speaker 1: you know. I like to tell people that it's not
Speaker 1: all financial, even though my definition of success it's stability.
Speaker 1: M knowing where you're going to live, knowing that you're
Speaker 1: gonna have the opportunity, knowing that who you're going home to,
Speaker 1: your wife, your kids, Like, that's success to me. The
Speaker 1: janitor at my high school was a very successful man.
Speaker 1: He had all of that, you know, like the President
Speaker 1: Obama is a very successful man. He has all of that.
Speaker 1: It's not a money thing, you know, when and I
Speaker 1: think oftentimes with tie money to success. Money for sure
Speaker 1: can help to facilitate to get to that, to reach
Speaker 1: that level, but it's not the end of all, be
Speaker 1: all you mean I told you I moved to when
Speaker 1: it Sometimes being stable is a big deal. It's a
Speaker 1: big accomplishment. And that's something that regardless of what you're
Speaker 1: experiencing now or what your experience in the past, you
Speaker 1: can control not putting your hands on your partner or
Speaker 1: not being abused. You know, that's something that you can
Speaker 1: remove yourself in that situation, even though it's not the
Speaker 1: easiest thing to do. You can remove yourself from that situation.
Speaker 1: You know. You can't try to work to provide, even
Speaker 1: though it's hard, and there are certain levels of certain jobs,
Speaker 1: and you may have to take a step back to
Speaker 1: go forward, but it's something that you are capable of
Speaker 1: on um and simply just communicating and treat treating people
Speaker 1: with respect. It's something that we're all capable of doing.
Speaker 1: So to me, I realized early on that my attitude
Speaker 1: I could control it, regardless of what was going on
Speaker 1: around me. I could control it, and I can't continue
Speaker 1: to project my feelings on other people, like and that's
Speaker 1: a really a humbling thing when you're like, man, like,
Speaker 1: what about what I think? You know? Like no one
Speaker 1: feels no one feels me right, Like no one understands me.
Speaker 1: You know like you sound like you sound like a
Speaker 1: conversation we used to have when I first got to
Speaker 1: the Ravens. Yeah, you know, a matter of fact, let's
Speaker 1: let's dig into that little bit, because I mean where
Speaker 1: you are the first person, that first teammate, the first
Speaker 1: teammate that we've had on cut to it, So you
Speaker 1: gotta give us. Let's let's let's cut to and here's
Speaker 1: the thing. So Steve tried to like prepopulate a story
Speaker 1: that we can get into. Yes, sir, I'm a communications
Speaker 1: made a little bit. But so yeah, he tried to
Speaker 1: pre he tried to preload some stories. I don't want those.
Speaker 1: I don't want those. Give give us some really good
Speaker 1: stories between you be covered one side of the bread, butter,
Speaker 1: how much? How much time do I have? Go ahead
Speaker 1: and all the time in the world, go ahead? My
Speaker 1: favorite Steve st well, I'm not gonna say my favorite, y'all,
Speaker 1: I have a whole don't don't let me Steve, Steve,
Speaker 1: we can cut to it another episode. But Steve, I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm a clettly pretty balanced guy emotionally. You know,
Speaker 1: I had my Steve um He's upset one day and
Speaker 1: I'm trying. I know you've never seen Steve be upset,
Speaker 1: but he was upset one day and I was like, Steve, man,
Speaker 1: it's all right, man, just you know, just just relax.
Speaker 1: And the way he looked at me, I can y'all
Speaker 1: can probably feel the has looked through the micro He
Speaker 1: looked at me like he was ready to kill me.
Speaker 1: He's like, you butt both hast of the bride, don't
Speaker 1: tell Like, bro, I'm on your side. Don't tell half
Speaker 1: of the story though, dogs. So here's here's here's what
Speaker 1: happened on two sides talking about why tell. Okay, So
Speaker 1: we were we were in O t a s. First
Speaker 1: of all, I came to the Ravens. They gave me
Speaker 1: a sign of bonus. They opened up the meeting and
Speaker 1: the offense. Cortin at at the time, who I respect,
Speaker 1: does not mention the thirteen year vet that they just
Speaker 1: picked up. He only mentions Tory, Jacobe all these other dudes.
Speaker 1: So you just spent the off off, all right. And
Speaker 1: so I'm like, come on, see this is see this
Speaker 1: is new to me. So he was like, yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of guys out here you can learn
Speaker 1: from Tory Smith, Jacobe I'm the oldest dude in the room,
Speaker 1: in the wire saving room. Okay, cool, all right, that's
Speaker 1: how it's gonna be. So now I'm running, I'm running.
Speaker 1: Is this not accurate? I'm running with the forces you
Speaker 1: want to know, because that's who they put me with.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm playing for the offense. I didn't know the offense.
Speaker 1: Did you know the offense? Story? Yes, okay, you thunder,
Speaker 1: That's why he said you can learn from it. We
Speaker 1: already knew the offense. So I didn't know the offense, right,
Speaker 1: You see how I just flip that I didn't know
Speaker 1: the offense. But I'm I'm running with dudes that they're
Speaker 1: not even throwing the ball when I'm in they handed
Speaker 1: it off And I'm like, now, so now we're at
Speaker 1: the second level of disrespect. Yeah, so now I'm running
Speaker 1: with dudes that won't even be a training camp. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I can't display how good I am if I'm not
Speaker 1: even able to get the opportunity to show that this
Speaker 1: thirty three, thirty four year old guy can still play.
Speaker 1: And so I'm standing in the back of the line
Speaker 1: earning my voice. But I'm like, to this day, I
Speaker 1: had no care in the world. I woke up on
Speaker 1: the wrong side of the bed. I was piste off
Speaker 1: Smitty and so Joe Flacco, the quarterback who can throw
Speaker 1: the ball ninety yards seventy yards off his back foot
Speaker 1: like it's nothing. But he's in there. And one of
Speaker 1: my one of our boys from Maryland, Gerrard Shepherd Shell.
Speaker 1: So were in two minutes and I'm not getting no passes.
Speaker 1: So I'm running with the ones because toy got a
Speaker 1: day off or whatever the case may be. I yes,
Speaker 1: he was on the field. Yeah I'm I'm I'm lying,
Speaker 1: but he so. But this did happen. I'm wide open.
Speaker 1: He throws the ball to sheep, not eight now, not
Speaker 1: one time, but multiple times. And now I am furious
Speaker 1: by the way. Call all the passes all not one pass,
Speaker 1: the two passes, not three. Every look, every look did
Speaker 1: not go. I didn't get one look. I didn't get
Speaker 1: I didn't get a lick at the cone. I didn't
Speaker 1: get that. I didn't get nothing. And so they already
Speaker 1: can tell by my walk you're boiling right now. Boy,
Speaker 1: if we talk about Maryland blue Crab, I'm the water
Speaker 1: instant hot. And so I go over there and and
Speaker 1: Tori being the way Tori is. Toris like, no, you
Speaker 1: know he want to pat me on the bat, Nah,
Speaker 1: big bro, you good, he'd be a peacemaker. I want
Speaker 1: no part of that peacemaker, right, Like like like Tories Mama Monica,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to put them palls on somebody. And so
Speaker 1: I'm like, so, I think this is a story goes
Speaker 1: like this. I said, I said, Bobby ingram my wife,
Speaker 1: receiver coach, and so I said shop was McDonald's. And
Speaker 1: I said, I'm Rufe's, Chris, and you do not take
Speaker 1: your family or take your girl out on the date
Speaker 1: to Makedonald's. You take her aware, Bruce Chris that I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna see. That was the funniest line I've ever
Speaker 1: heard from anyone, because he's standing in a normal tone. Now,
Speaker 1: imagine someone being piste off yelling you don't go to McDonald's.
Speaker 1: When you got Rufe, Chris, I was dying laughing. But
Speaker 1: I mean that was Steven. He was mad with me.
Speaker 1: But we walked in and we hugged it out. Good.
Speaker 1: I think it's about that time. Just take a little breather.
Speaker 1: Good God, let's getting down to dood Hey, Gerard, why
Speaker 1: didn't you get that T shirt? Oh yes, I got
Speaker 1: it from cut to a podcast dot com where we
Speaker 1: have exclusive merchandise. Shout out to our guys at seven
Speaker 1: or four shot. But yeah, you can go on, buy
Speaker 1: you a T shirt, subscribe to us wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to podcasts. Tory was that dude a teammate of mind
Speaker 1: that when I really look at it, when we talked
Speaker 1: about going down that dark alley. I remember there was
Speaker 1: a play that one of the dbs hit Tory late
Speaker 1: and it was a run play, and I remember looking
Speaker 1: at him in a huddle. I'm like, bro, you good.
Speaker 1: He like, man, he got me pretty good. And I
Speaker 1: looked at him and I said, I got him. And
Speaker 1: the next play, I didn't care what the play was
Speaker 1: us want to clean his I went and cleaned this clock.
Speaker 1: Yeah I knew, I know you like And it was
Speaker 1: like that was how I looked at my teammates, where
Speaker 1: we we like brothers and sisters. Right, you you bid,
Speaker 1: you you bit and complain, you bicker, you fight, But nah,
Speaker 1: I don't know body Bob cross I could. I could
Speaker 1: beat up Toy, but nobody else could beat up Toys
Speaker 1: and Tory is one of those teammates that I was
Speaker 1: fortunate enough to play football with him, fortunate enough a
Speaker 1: little bit, but I gained a lifetime friend and a
Speaker 1: brother in arms, and a brother I can call on
Speaker 1: for advice, good advice and even bad advice to go.
Speaker 1: You know what, I know Tory gonna give me the
Speaker 1: real I know Tori is gonna shoot me straight. And
Speaker 1: that's gotta think about it. In the pandemic and in life. Man,
Speaker 1: those are rare people like torys a unicorn. He's not
Speaker 1: one of those that you see all the time. And
Speaker 1: I experienced that, and I would have never experienced it
Speaker 1: without taking that leap and going out and say, you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm gonna go to Baltimore and and and
Speaker 1: I got opportunity to learn who who James Tory Smith
Speaker 1: was in which there are many days that we talked
Speaker 1: in the meeting room, a little bit about ball and
Speaker 1: a lot about life. M hmm. And from him he
Speaker 1: said he needed it. But that's how relationships. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: when we talk about a brotherhood, like, we have too
Speaker 1: many one side of relationships out here, right, and you
Speaker 1: have to have somebody that can point to you that
Speaker 1: you can receive from them and vice versa. And for me,
Speaker 1: you gotta think I was in year four. I'm going
Speaker 1: into my contract year. You know, I'm stressing out over
Speaker 1: that I'm having family issues like no other. And I
Speaker 1: was able to talk to Steve about these things and
Speaker 1: to him to have somebody that one just listened, but
Speaker 1: also a person with a perspective, they understand where I'm
Speaker 1: coming from, Like that meant the world. You know, I
Speaker 1: was newly married. I don't even been married like a
Speaker 1: year or's two before Steve got there. And to be
Speaker 1: able to talk about different challenges there, like there were
Speaker 1: real life things that I don't have a lot of
Speaker 1: men that I call on or or feel comfortable calling
Speaker 1: on for certain issues. So to have someone that came
Speaker 1: into the room, like you know, I believe in God
Speaker 1: and I believe, I swear like everything happened for a
Speaker 1: reason for Steve Smith to be there, you know, the
Speaker 1: same Steve Smith that Carolina might have felt like was
Speaker 1: an issue. It was a blessing to me in Baltimore
Speaker 1: and that locker room. I gotta give you kudos and
Speaker 1: also act like nobody's in the room and me not
Speaker 1: get emotional is because of you pushing me and challenging me.
Speaker 1: I would not have been an NFL analysts because I
Speaker 1: was when I looked at film, when I looked at
Speaker 1: a guy, I was like, he can player, he knp
Speaker 1: And so we had Week four against Carolina and and
Speaker 1: and Bobby Ingram, who's a good friend of mine, a
Speaker 1: good friend of Tory, who I played against in Seattle
Speaker 1: as well. Um, he goes up, all right, Steve, you
Speaker 1: gotta leave. You know this team like the back of
Speaker 1: your hand. And before I opened my mouth, Tory goes, Steve, H,
Speaker 1: don't give us everybody's a bump? Can you finally give
Speaker 1: us a real rundown of this team? And I kind of,
Speaker 1: you know, I wrote my eyes, kind of like like
Speaker 1: a kid. I wrote my now that I think about,
Speaker 1: I wrote it like of my kids. And I and
Speaker 1: I said, all right, and I broke down the team
Speaker 1: from the starters all the way to the guys that
Speaker 1: potentially would play, and I broke them down with their
Speaker 1: strengths and weaknesses. Are But I would have never I
Speaker 1: would say this at times in football because I knew
Speaker 1: the game so well, and I loved the game, and
Speaker 1: I had a passion for I was lazy in my
Speaker 1: descriptions of people, and so Tor was like, bro, stop
Speaker 1: being lazy. Everybody can't be a bummed this dude and
Speaker 1: this dude this in the league for a reason. Can
Speaker 1: you please tell me why is he good? What do
Speaker 1: you see? Because we were being film and Tory coming
Speaker 1: there like, bro, what are you looking at I'm like,
Speaker 1: I want to see this, this, this, I'm looking at this.
Speaker 1: He was like, why don't you explain that to us?
Speaker 1: I was lazy? He can't play. Because of that, Tory
Speaker 1: showed me what was inside of me that I didn't
Speaker 1: really realize that I could do this for a liver.
Speaker 1: But it was Tory who pushed me, the guy one
Speaker 1: in this fourth fifth year that pushed me this old head,
Speaker 1: he stop being lazy. And because of that tour, you
Speaker 1: build something in me that gave me the confidence to know, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, don't let me display that Steven that I've
Speaker 1: harbored in and kind of guarded myself against. Like you
Speaker 1: had so much knowledge, like Steve Smith's knowledge of the game.
Speaker 1: Let's not even talk about analysts. Suff there are things
Speaker 1: that he's seen during the game that would mean the
Speaker 1: world to younger guys. So I would like kind of
Speaker 1: be like the little brother that's pestering, like, man, I
Speaker 1: want more, you know, like I know, like I know
Speaker 1: you know because you've seen it, right, Like they're like,
Speaker 1: so when we talk about film study and everyone talks
Speaker 1: about like, oh, everyone's great guys like Steve, guys like
Speaker 1: guys who played they could go out on that field
Speaker 1: any Sunday not even know who they're playing and go
Speaker 1: out there and perform and perform. Well, why because there
Speaker 1: isn't anything new that they're gonna see that they haven't seen.
Speaker 1: And to be able to communicate that when you know
Speaker 1: individuals and you're breaking her down the way I may
Speaker 1: break down an individual it's different than him, and we
Speaker 1: might break it down together. Was different for Jakobe Jones
Speaker 1: or Bobby Ingram. So for us in that room, like
Speaker 1: and I was the baby, you know out of those guys,
Speaker 1: like it was always great conversation. But Steve, you knew,
Speaker 1: he knew so much. And I'm not saying like he
Speaker 1: didn't do it before. You know, he had a short
Speaker 1: way of communicating. But the initial sentence was going to
Speaker 1: be everyone was a bump and they Okay, now do
Speaker 1: we get that out of the way. Steve. How would
Speaker 1: you know? But he was. He was awesome with that
Speaker 1: as a player. And the next thing, you know, I
Speaker 1: will never forget the Carolina breakdown because one, it was personal, right,
Speaker 1: we knew how much it meant to him. But to
Speaker 1: study a guy, a younger Josh Norman, who is you know,
Speaker 1: coming off of his first big year um and seeing
Speaker 1: the things that the weaknesses that he knew from going
Speaker 1: against him every day in practice, you know, So it
Speaker 1: was a great experience to be able to listen and
Speaker 1: to see it, and honestly to see him dominate that
Speaker 1: day too. It's gonna be hard to top a lot
Speaker 1: of the stuff you've already given us, whether it be
Speaker 1: talking about your upbringing or talking about mental health in
Speaker 1: the black community. But we're about to go into a
Speaker 1: part of our podcast we like to call the deep three.
Speaker 1: And so we know that a three route isn't deep.
Speaker 1: So you're gonna let us be great anyway. So we
Speaker 1: know that, but uh, these next three, these next three
Speaker 1: questions just allow us to take a deeper dive into you,
Speaker 1: you know, as a person beyond your profession. So Smitty,
Speaker 1: go ahead and lead us into deep three. You celebrated
Speaker 1: an anniversary with your wife. What is being a father
Speaker 1: and a husband meaning you today means everything? You know,
Speaker 1: we just celebrated year seven and the responsive ability that
Speaker 1: comes with that, Like every time I look at my wife,
Speaker 1: every time I look at my kids, I look at
Speaker 1: the individuals that I prayed for and that I made
Speaker 1: decisions for without even knowing they existed. And to add
Speaker 1: the responsibility to provide for them, to be challenged by
Speaker 1: my wife, to be a better communicator, to not let
Speaker 1: my past um impact the way that I am with
Speaker 1: my kids, and to be able to see them through
Speaker 1: and lead them. Um especial, you know, and she's special
Speaker 1: and the way she helps challenge me. So I'm for
Speaker 1: sure thankful for it. And that's the biggest responsibility that
Speaker 1: I'll ever have on this on this earth. And I
Speaker 1: don't take it for granted, and I don't take the
Speaker 1: responsibility lightly, you know. It's I'm fortunate that, you know,
Speaker 1: I was able to play as long as I did,
Speaker 1: and I'm looking forward to, you know, being more present
Speaker 1: now with my kids, and I'm trying to be a
Speaker 1: better father and a better husband myself. That's where you
Speaker 1: talked a lot about your childhood what you saw, what
Speaker 1: you what your experience looking back on it. Now, what
Speaker 1: does forgiveness mean to you as an adult? M M,
Speaker 1: you're really good right there. But but but me in
Speaker 1: counseling right now now, forgiveness is huge. Man. Do you
Speaker 1: know for me how hard it was? Forgiveness is everything.
Speaker 1: But forgiveness isn't easy. I will say that, um, But
Speaker 1: when you do it, it's very free, like you feel
Speaker 1: like you have a weight lifted off, like it's not
Speaker 1: yours to carry. Um. But I've been able to forgive
Speaker 1: my mother's ex husband. Forgive doesn't mean that we're buddies
Speaker 1: or that we're gonna be hanging out, nothing like that.
Speaker 1: That might work for some people, but that's not working
Speaker 1: with me in this situation. Um. But I forget. I
Speaker 1: forgive him, um. And you know, but we're all sinners,
Speaker 1: just him, um, and I'm no better. So I forgive him. Man,
Speaker 1: I can move on. I don't carry that same type
Speaker 1: of hatred that I used to have, that same type
Speaker 1: of hatred that would cause me to be up at
Speaker 1: night or the being a rage every time I even
Speaker 1: think of his hear his name or pictures face, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I don't have that anymore. UM, I think of
Speaker 1: forgetting this for my mother as well. Mhm. I used
Speaker 1: to judge my mother and and for the situations that
Speaker 1: she put me through, or my brothers and my siblings through. Um,
Speaker 1: I carried a lot of weight. You know, I've always
Speaker 1: loved my mother through that, But I carried I was,
Speaker 1: I had carried a lot of weight and and honestly,
Speaker 1: I would say hatred towards a lot of things towards
Speaker 1: her in a lot of ways, UM, that I no
Speaker 1: longer have because my perspective is different. I've forgiven her,
Speaker 1: and I understand, you know when I think about now again,
Speaker 1: I'm not taking away from the fact of these were
Speaker 1: her decisions and she made them. But I just take
Speaker 1: a look back at where I was at twenty five
Speaker 1: and where she was at, and if I was in
Speaker 1: this situation, what I've been or done any better? And
Speaker 1: when you think about it, it's, you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: a tough situation, UM, And your perspective is different. Right,
Speaker 1: I was twenty five years old, Stephen. I think I
Speaker 1: was just around you, Right, I was around that age,
Speaker 1: and you know, my mother had multiple kids and still
Speaker 1: trying to survive literally survived her abusive relationship, so um man,
Speaker 1: it was a different thing. But I've been able to
Speaker 1: forgive her, and now I don't. I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: bring that up, you know. I try not to talk
Speaker 1: about the past towards her, because you can't truly forgive
Speaker 1: someone to interact with them if you're gonna throw it
Speaker 1: in their face every single time, you know, you get
Speaker 1: into an argument or you bring back these old feelings.
Speaker 1: They may never go away. But I forgiven her, so
Speaker 1: I know not to bring it up, you know, And
Speaker 1: and that's huge for me. Show the last question to
Speaker 1: end it all, if you if older Tory had the
Speaker 1: opportunity to go back in time and write a letter
Speaker 1: to young Tory, whoop to say, um, don't let your
Speaker 1: circumstances of situations make your heart cold. I feel like
Speaker 1: everything I'm telling y'all, I missed out. Not even that
Speaker 1: I missed out. I've carried a lot of weight. Um.
Speaker 1: I built up these walls to protect me from so
Speaker 1: many things, and it's even blocked me from the ability
Speaker 1: to love the right way. Like I'm I'm I'm a
Speaker 1: thirty one year old man, and I'm I have to
Speaker 1: learn how to love like that's the weirdest thing to say, um,
Speaker 1: because love to me, like I said that people around
Speaker 1: me and this is loved and and you're saying you
Speaker 1: love me like this doesn't add up, you know, like
Speaker 1: these decisions, the situations you put me in, this isn't
Speaker 1: love right. And so for me that process is with
Speaker 1: my my wife, UM being I was, I'm super awkward,
Speaker 1: Like I didn't tell people, um, I love them like
Speaker 1: I made sure because of what I saw and what
Speaker 1: people said, I love you and I love you carried
Speaker 1: no weight. I needed to know that your action showed it.
Speaker 1: So I went until I was probably about years old
Speaker 1: before I've been told my people around me and started
Speaker 1: telling them that I love them because I it didn't
Speaker 1: make any sense as the accidn't show and I always
Speaker 1: and everyone's like, you know, you just know how Tor is.
Speaker 1: You know how tor is, Like he's gonna show you,
Speaker 1: He's not gonna say it right. And I just kind
Speaker 1: of started listening to that a little bit and think like, well,
Speaker 1: if I'm gonna complain about how it was for me
Speaker 1: coming up, I'm no better in the way that I'm
Speaker 1: handling these things. And it made me cold in a
Speaker 1: lot of ways. I'm used to disappointment, um from other people.
Speaker 1: I'm used to being disappointed from other people's actions. I'm
Speaker 1: used to uh failure, and so all of these things
Speaker 1: kind of built this cold heart that Honestly, my wife
Speaker 1: has probably felt the biggest blow from that and and
Speaker 1: her journey with me and helping me to be better. So, UM,
Speaker 1: I would say that just open up more and not
Speaker 1: take as long, because I think I would be a
Speaker 1: lot more. I think my heart is pure in terms
Speaker 1: of like my intentions and my love is. I feel
Speaker 1: like it's it's being the goal and the objective and
Speaker 1: what I want and what I projected is pure and real.
Speaker 1: But um, I know my cold heart and feelings have
Speaker 1: hurt some people along the way. Tour. Yep, love you, Bro,
Speaker 1: Love you too, Man, love you to love you too. Bro.
Speaker 1: Appreciate you, Man, appreciate appreciate me. If you find yourself
Speaker 1: in that place where you need help and you know
Speaker 1: you don't know where to term for general information, we
Speaker 1: have a number for you on mental health and treatment
Speaker 1: services in your local area. One eight seven seven seven
Speaker 1: to six four seven to seven again one eight seven
Speaker 1: seven seven to six four seven to seven. It's not
Speaker 1: about the stigma of mental health, is about getting better
Speaker 1: within your mental health. Suck it up is not the
Speaker 1: answer to fix everything. Sometimes you have to seek help
Speaker 1: and seek outside outsider's perspective to get a healthy perspective
Speaker 1: of what you consider normal. And you know, moving twenty
Speaker 1: plus times is not normal. Watching your mom shoot her
Speaker 1: husband is not normal. So that's what I really loved
Speaker 1: about Tory expressing and sharing and and given that opportunity
Speaker 1: to say, hey, mental health is something serious and we
Speaker 1: all go through it, but how we handle it and
Speaker 1: how we seek help is more important. You wrote an
Speaker 1: article for NFL dot com two years ago and really
Speaker 1: detailing your own journey and about with depression anxiety, and
Speaker 1: I just can remember the outpourn of love from people
Speaker 1: saying that how you inspired them and how you impacted them,
Speaker 1: and even me being one of them, right, just even
Speaker 1: having my own about with depression and mental health. And
Speaker 1: it's it's refreshing to hear athletes, but just people in
Speaker 1: general starting to be outspoken about mental health because it
Speaker 1: runs so rampant. It is, it is very much it.
Speaker 1: It doesn't care socio economically doesn't care, black or white,
Speaker 1: but it is stigmatized, right. It happens to be stigmatize
Speaker 1: in our black community. But I think the more that
Speaker 1: we can have these conversations around being transparent, being open,
Speaker 1: sharing our own experiences is the way that we can
Speaker 1: kind of pull ourselves out of it and and normalize
Speaker 1: going to get help, going to get therapy, going to
Speaker 1: get counseling, and just becoming whole, speaking up and not
Speaker 1: holding it in. It's the first step, and if you
Speaker 1: can do that, you can take the next step. Cut
Speaker 1: to It with Steve Smith Singer That Is Me is
Speaker 1: a production of Cut to It, LLC Ball Told Creative Media,
Speaker 1: The Black Effect, and I Heart Radio. For more podcast
Speaker 1: from my Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 1: From Cut to It. Executive producer Steve Smith, Singer, co
Speaker 1: host Gerard little John, talent in booking man manager Joe Fusci,
Speaker 1: social media manager Peyton Smith from balto Creative Media. Cut
Speaker 1: Too It is produced by Brian Balka Chevic and Meredith Carter,
Speaker 1: with the production assistance by Alex Lebrek, Production manager Sarah Pollock.
Speaker 1: Theme music by Alex Johnson, Lyrics and vocals by Anthony Hamilton.
Speaker 1: You ain't heard about it, then we're about to let
Speaker 1: you know. It's all