WEBVTT - Torrey Smith 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:02.600 This is cut to It with Steve Smith Senior at 0:00:02.640 --> 0:00:08.879 production of The Black Effect and I Heart Radio. I'm 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:12.200 Steve Smith Senior and I'm John And this is cut 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:16.840 to it. Good do it? Good do they's getting down 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:20.520 to do it? Good do it. We asked the questions 0:00:20.640 --> 0:00:23.880 you always want to know, but no one ever asked, 0:00:24.000 --> 0:00:29.600 let's cut to it. You ain't heard them about it, 0:00:29.640 --> 0:00:40.080 then we're about to let you know. It's all go 0:00:40.159 --> 0:00:43.720 to snaps. We talked about yesterday, like going to candy Lady, 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:48.280 let's do that. What up, Jay, Good morning, good Afternoon's up? Brother? 0:00:48.320 --> 0:00:50.680 What's up? Brother? How are you doing? Man? I'm feeling good. 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:53.040 Over the weekend. I took my daughter out. We just 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:55.440 we just um, you know, running arians going to the 0:00:55.440 --> 0:00:56.920 gross store, this, that, and I had to stop and 0:00:56.960 --> 0:01:01.760 get gas. And so she loved going into the gas station. 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:03.800 And we go in and she's like, I want to 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:10.000 grab some snaps, particular gas stations, because I wanted to 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:11.840 make sure. I didn't want you to take my niece 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:13.840 to just like any old one that like it might 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:17.920 be a chester at the that's that it looks like 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:21.240 he's trying to snatch kids. No, no, no, no, have 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:23.840 you been to some chesters? No, no chesters around. You've 0:01:23.840 --> 0:01:26.080 been in some of those gas stations here in North Carolina. 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:28.480 When I first got here, you got, you got corner stories. 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:30.760 You got look they call him Humpings down And well 0:01:30.880 --> 0:01:34.039 I first got here, I thought it was super weird 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:38.399 going to a gas station and the cashier was smoking 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:41.320 a cigarette. Oh yeah, you still haven't been to like 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:43.720 deep deep South. Thought like you, you you'd be surprised 0:01:43.800 --> 0:01:47.919 some of the stuff that no smoking. By the listen 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:51.160 you you gotta think, man, some people are still decades 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:54.280 behind here in North Carolina. So some people ain't got 0:01:54.280 --> 0:01:57.320 some of the memos. Hold on, hold on, what does 0:01:57.360 --> 0:02:04.680 decades behind have anything to do with nine nineteen eighty 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:10.400 seventeen seventy gasolene is still flammable? What what does that? 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:12.600 What does the year have to do with I'm just 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:17.280 telling you. So you're telling me some people operate a 0:02:17.360 --> 0:02:21.240 little bit different. I'm telling you anyway. So anyway, we 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:23.400 um your puff of that cigarette too, mother, that'd be 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:27.000 your lap puff. Way. Um. So we run in the 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:28.640 q tea and she's like, she want to grab some snacks, 0:02:28.639 --> 0:02:31.200 so she gets some pringles, get some air heads. We 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:33.560 get back into the car, and so she she's never 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:38.600 had prinkles before, and so yeah, so get out. So 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:42.240 I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, I'm like, no, I'm 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:46.600 that's that's that's your conna. That's that's ending our friendship. 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:49.520 And you are your kids, don't She just I mean, 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:51.960 you got like a funyan's face. So I expect that 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:55.560 I would kick you in your chin right now. Anyway, 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:57.640 back back to the back to the story. So I'm 0:02:57.680 --> 0:02:58.919 sitting in the car. We get back in the car 0:02:59.080 --> 0:03:01.079 and she's eating the snacks. It took me back, man, 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:03.160 and we we've talked about like where you grow up, 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:05.120 where I've grown up, and so for me, one of 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:07.040 the things we always should do, whether I'm walking to 0:03:07.080 --> 0:03:10.959 the barbershop, whether I'm walking to my grandmother's house, anything 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:13.320 like that. I used to love stopping at the store 0:03:13.600 --> 0:03:15.639 and I get and I got a couple of dollars, 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:17.960 or whether I'm going to the barbershop and you know, 0:03:18.040 --> 0:03:20.880 my mom gives me I needed two dollars and ten 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:24.120 cents because the excuse me a dollar ten cents because 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:26.519 the solda was sixty cents, and then the snack was 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:28.280 fifty cents, so they always get you can just have 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.240 one you can just have one dollar to get your snacks. 0:03:31.280 --> 0:03:33.680 You look like you look like you got tell me 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:35.560 if this snack is I got my go to So 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:38.400 I'm a load. I think I think your snack was 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:43.800 you probably got a solda and a big thick pickle. No, no, absolutely, 0:03:44.040 --> 0:03:46.680 that's your So that's that's what it was on your mind. 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:49.440 So I can see you gotta you gotta stack, you 0:03:49.440 --> 0:03:53.200 gotta you gotta pickle mine, any any anything. So No, 0:03:53.400 --> 0:03:56.760 my go to snack was Tom's Hot Fries, Tom's Tom's 0:03:56.760 --> 0:04:01.240 Hot Fries, Tom's Hot Fries. And and I had a 0:04:02.720 --> 0:04:05.480 blue and white blue and white. That was my go 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:10.000 to go to barbershop snack. While snack cuts my hair, 0:04:10.200 --> 0:04:12.520 gives you a fade. He's smoking a black and male 0:04:12.600 --> 0:04:14.040 while he cuts you a little bit of black and 0:04:14.080 --> 0:04:15.840 mouth ash my father on your fade. But it's okay, 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:17.640 it's okay, it's okay. You still got a fresh cut. 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:19.520 But that was my go to snack. So it took 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:21.000 me back because it made me think, you know what, 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:24.560 like my daughter is enjoying going to the store just 0:04:24.600 --> 0:04:27.039 getting a snack. And it takes me back. What was yours? 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:28.640 What was your going to? Well, first of all, we 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:32.080 had a candy lady. Yeah, in the candy lady neighborhood. 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:34.920 We went to Mr. Yeah, we had a candy lady. 0:04:34.920 --> 0:04:37.240 So you go to the house. For some of our listeners, 0:04:37.279 --> 0:04:39.520 we might even we might need to explain what's the candy. 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:42.640 So the candy lady is this, So you go to 0:04:42.800 --> 0:04:47.159 there's a house, um residential residential house. She doesn't have 0:04:47.200 --> 0:04:49.479 a license. Get over. That's that's why we call it 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:53.719 a candy because she ain't supposed to be selling the hustle. 0:04:53.839 --> 0:04:58.040 Hustle hustle, all right, So that's went back home they um, 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:03.039 they don't. They have them skulls and Sam's. But they 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:06.560 called the bulk places before costcon Sam, we're really really 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:09.520 up there. It was called smart and Final. So you 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:11.920 get smart and Final back home, and you can get 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:16.479 the the sour patch kids, right. The eminem said, the 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:21.640 big old variety pack fifty in there and they sell 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:27.600 you fors money and you're going there with change, right. 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:29.800 The only kind of places you can kind of hand, 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:33.800 the only places on the growing up in the hood 0:05:33.839 --> 0:05:37.359 that accepted change was a candy lady, Um, you can't. 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:40.839 You know, you couldn't give everybody change. Everybody didn't accept change. 0:05:40.880 --> 0:05:43.599 So um, so you had that so we would have 0:05:43.960 --> 0:05:48.000 basically we're going there and do all that stuff and um, 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:50.400 so you buy so my go to like my go 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:54.800 to snack as a kid, um was always like a 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:57.800 fruit punch, a free punch drink. It didn't matter be 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:01.720 high school. I didn't really like Hawaiian punch I was scoring. 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:04.200 My mom used to buy it and I hated it. 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:08.320 So I just don't like Hawaiian pumps. Like. So as 0:06:08.360 --> 0:06:11.039 we continue to do the podcast, you'll know there's I've 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:14.240 been wounded by my folks in some areas. So there's 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:17.000 two things that would really run me hot Um that 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:21.520 I personally have a problem with us because every Saturday, 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:25.919 that's the official cleaning music. I hate shot come on 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:28.120 and that it means whatever I had playing, I was 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:34.120 doing Saturday all morning pines. Oh. One time all was 0:06:34.160 --> 0:06:45.120 passed out because she's sprayed pneumonia. Pneumonia you don't get pneumonia, right, 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:48.479 So she didn't tell me, so SHO was on. So 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:50.400 I'm like, all right, I'm gonna jump in the shower, 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:52.760 take me a long shower, so I can kind of 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:56.760 miss something to clean it. My mama Florence had all 0:06:57.000 --> 0:07:02.599 she had folk miss flow all right, man, she she 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:11.720 sprayed uh no, right, she sprayed that in there. And 0:07:11.760 --> 0:07:14.480 so we had to shower that like on the track, right, 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:16.960 you had to step over in the tub. Right that 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:18.920 po folks right there, you got you got, you got, 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:21.240 you got the inside shower curtain in the outside. No, 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:24.160 not the screen. He's just talking about the glass one. 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:27.680 It wasn't glass, it was perplexiglass, right, And it had 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:29.360 a little it was something like that. It had a 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:31.560 little mess so you can't see when you knewe. Right. 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.400 And it had the handle that you put your towel on, right, 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:37.720 and you better use that towel more than wants. Right. 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:41.080 And so so I opened up. I turned on the 0:07:41.120 --> 0:07:43.960 shower and opened it up. I don't know how I 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:45.760 didn't smell the first time, but I turned on the 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:49.160 shower real quick. Man. I put my nose. I don't 0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:52.040 know why I with my nose first. That chemical came out. 0:07:52.560 --> 0:07:55.960 Damn passed out, was probably burned off. No, I sniffed, 0:07:55.960 --> 0:08:00.440 and I said, whoa, And somehow my mom wonder woman, right, 0:08:00.560 --> 0:08:03.800 single black woman raising two kids on twelve tho dollars 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:08.200 a year. She caught me bro I hit it and 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:12.040 almost passed out. Do you think my mom gently woke 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:16.680 me up? Why they told you play attention? I didn't know. 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:22.640 It wasn't like uh Ammonia signed on their so house. 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:24.480 I was supposed to know. And then I had to 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.239 clean up, so I had to clean up dirty booty 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:31.800 and all while. So that's got your sad on Siday. 0:08:31.840 --> 0:08:33.920 So what was the other I don't know, I forgot, 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:36.920 but hey, anyway, that's but that's the whole point, man. 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:39.559 But that's the whole point. Like it really going to 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:42.439 the corner store, you're going to get snacks. It brings 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:46.559 up all that going to the corner store too. You 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:48.360 got the corner store, like you said, you got the 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:50.959 candy lady, and probably in the same proximity you got 0:08:50.960 --> 0:08:53.160 the liquor house. So you you got, you got the 0:08:53.200 --> 0:08:55.560 whole gambit. At least where I'm from, you got the 0:08:55.600 --> 0:08:58.520 whole thing right there. So yeah, you can, you can, 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:00.760 you can you can get exposed if so be it. 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:03.280 I mean, I remember one of my boys went to 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:07.320 the UH convenience store to the the corner store. Um and 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:09.920 came back. Brother had no shoes on. Man, they took 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:14.199 his shoes. They took his shoes. Dog ruthless and one 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:15.680 of my other boys got robbed. I don't know what 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:17.400 I'm thinking about this, but he got robbed. And who 0:09:17.480 --> 0:09:18.920 robbed in with a gun. He said, let me see 0:09:18.960 --> 0:09:22.360 your limp. He was like the limp the inside of 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:25.959 your pocket pocket. He got robbed too. So hey, j 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:27.960 who's our guest for today? Coming up on the Cut 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:31.440 to A podcast, We've got Tori Smith, two times Super 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:36.200 Bowl champion, eight year NFL veteran with the Ravens, forty Niners, Eagles, Panthers, 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.920 and he's the founder of the Tory Smith Family Fund 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:41.600 with his wife Chanelle. Tory Smith on the Cut to 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:52.880 It podcast. Right now, you're about to get ice up. 0:09:52.920 --> 0:09:55.400 It's our version of ice breakers, and so we have 0:09:55.440 --> 0:09:57.800 a series of questions. They may or may not have 0:09:58.000 --> 0:09:59.840 follow up. It just depends on how we feel and 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:04.000 how you answer and how you answered. Absolutely, first job 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:08.720 you had as a teenager besides cutting grass and little 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:12.240 eye jabs, My first real job was at Walmart. Walmart, 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:19.440 you look like a greader. See Actually you're comparing me 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:24.400 to the aunties checking receipts and everything that is crazy. 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:26.559 I was actually at the cash register, man, and being 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:29.200 in high school and having a lot of family in 0:10:29.200 --> 0:10:31.840 the area. Let me tell you, working in the cash 0:10:31.880 --> 0:10:34.679 register wasn't a fun experience because everyone wants to come 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:36.160 to your line and they want to talk to you 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:38.880 about everything. But I appreciate what all the world. I 0:10:38.920 --> 0:10:43.720 got all my stuff for college. All her favorite color 0:10:44.760 --> 0:10:49.120 favorite color is blue? Why blue? A lot of water? 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:52.560 I just made that up, But I've always enjoyed blue. 0:10:52.679 --> 0:10:56.880 But my favorite color combination is red and black. He 0:10:56.920 --> 0:11:01.720 went straight, I see what you did. Favorite movie of 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:07.160 all times? My favorite movie of all time is Forrest Gump. 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:14.960 He literally was a part of so many historical moments, 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:18.079 and he was like it was just naive, like he 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:19.840 didn't know anything that's going on around him, but he 0:11:19.880 --> 0:11:24.400 was accomplishing amazing things. And it's pretty cool to when 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:26.000 you were young. Did you think that was really? I 0:11:26.000 --> 0:11:28.319 know I did. I thought Forest was real for a 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:30.600 little bit. I for sure. I had to google some 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:33.920 things when I got had to make sure this base 0:11:36.000 --> 0:11:39.240 Alabama right, you know, taking into the house and running 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:46.199 out of the stadium like it's crazy. Stop, I'm moving on. Okay. One, 0:11:46.600 --> 0:11:49.720 if you can have one superpower, what would it be. 0:11:50.400 --> 0:11:53.760 Put me on the spot with this one. Um, I 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:55.760 hate traffic, so I'd like to say I'd like to 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:59.960 be able to fly. Okay, all right, so that's my selfish. 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:04.000 If you had to say that about you, I would 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:08.679 say the ability to heal others. Okay, okay, all right. 0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:13.079 The last one you're heading You're heading to a deserted island. 0:12:13.720 --> 0:12:19.280 What do you pack? I can bring my cell phone 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:24.000 and I need you know, I'm fishing pole, you know, 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:27.079 go ahead and handing my business out there, and really 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:30.320 the cell phone just to communicate with people. Um. If 0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:33.199 I can't bring my family, you know, I'm sure as 0:12:33.200 --> 0:12:35.160 long as I can communicate see him on FaceTime. We 0:12:35.240 --> 0:12:38.000 need a break from time to time. Um well yeah, 0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:40.280 just all I need to survive. I'm outdoors and I 0:12:40.320 --> 0:12:43.160 love being outside. I love being in space. And I'm 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:46.520 also a social introvert. I love to be around people, 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:48.520 but I also appreciate times when I could just be 0:12:48.600 --> 0:12:50.720 by myself. And the way you be on social media, 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:54.520 you do not seem like an introvert. Brother, I'm telling you, man, 0:12:54.600 --> 0:12:57.120 I had this social clock, Like when I'm around people 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.120 and it's just like, man, this is enough. I'm out 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:04.959 here and then drink right around and to be able 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:06.520 to go. And I don't drink. I don't smoke, So 0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:09.760 certain environments for me are just when there's cigar smoke 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:12.680 everywhere and people are just drunk and can't handle their liquor. 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:16.280 I'm just ready to leave. Where where did you grow 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:18.960 up and where are you from? Just like give us 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:26.160 the rundown of James Toys. He pulled out the government name. Man. 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:29.600 He put the government name out there, man. I grew 0:13:29.679 --> 0:13:33.000 up in a small town in Virginia, a small town 0:13:33.040 --> 0:13:38.080 called Colonial Beach, Virginia is known for two things. The 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:43.079 first President of the United States from the area, George Washington, 0:13:43.920 --> 0:13:47.719 and also the General of the South Robberty Lead. Look 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:50.440 at that, there isn't really too much going on where 0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:53.880 I'm from, his country, small town. All my families from there, 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.200 and I was raised by my mother from the oldest 0:13:56.200 --> 0:13:59.000 of seven. I was raised on mother and my grandmother, 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:01.080 and you know, we kind of we went through a 0:14:01.080 --> 0:14:03.160 lot going up. You know, my mother had me when 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:05.680 she was sixteen years old, so we really grew up together, 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:08.520 a lot of mistakes she made. You know, I was 0:14:08.640 --> 0:14:11.840 right there along with her for the ride. She She's 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:15.360 had times, you know, where she was incarcerated, she was 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:19.280 in a very abusive marriage at one point, and you know, 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:21.400 I was right along with her on that journey. So 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:24.520 all of the things that we went through really made 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:27.120 me who I am. Um. I had to mature and 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:29.720 grow up a lot earlier than a lot of my peers. 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:32.320 And because of that, you know, I was able to 0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:34.400 handle and and everything that came my way. You know, 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:36.320 I tell people all the time, I knew everything there 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:41.040 was about being a parent besides actually working. And you know, 0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:43.280 I know there were some tough moments and things that 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:45.880 you know, most kids really shouldn't go through our experience, 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:48.880 but for me now being an adult, if it shut 0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:53.160 made me who I am. Your mom got incarcerated where 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.560 you were when you were young? You know how young 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.560 were you when she was incarcerating? Yeah, my mom was. 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:03.080 She was and out of jail um a lot because 0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:06.320 of the relationship that she was in. They would fight 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:10.640 all the time, and fight all the time. You know, 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:12.960 she used to fight when she was younger, you know, 0:15:13.000 --> 0:15:15.600 in her childhood wasn't the best either, so it really 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:19.160 it was just kind of generational curses in my family 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:22.560 that I you know, my whole goal was to learn 0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:25.280 from my personal experience, and she tried to break them 0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:28.440 as an adult. And I remember when I was in 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:33.360 probably second grader, so it's probably the last time she 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:34.680 was in car shot. I take that back. It was 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:41.160 in third grade and she shot her ex husband. She 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:44.200 shot him. She said she was aiming for his body 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:46.600 and she hit him in the knee. So good things 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:49.200 she can't shoot because you know, she probably wouldn't be 0:15:49.240 --> 0:15:52.160 out here right now, but she had had enough and 0:15:53.800 --> 0:15:56.520 that was probably one of the longest things she had 0:15:56.680 --> 0:15:58.880 And you know, it wasn't over a year, but she 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:01.640 spent some months behind bars, for sure. But I just 0:16:01.680 --> 0:16:04.920 remember being there and visiting her one time, and to 0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:07.640 be honest, that was probably one of the last times 0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:11.840 I had actually been in a prison to visit a 0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:14.280 family member. There, I take that, but there was maybe 0:16:14.280 --> 0:16:17.440 two other times. But I never liked it that that 0:16:17.480 --> 0:16:19.440 was the last time I saw my mother behind bars, 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:21.840 But that wasn't the last time that she was actually 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:26.040 behind bars, and I just couldn't put it in my 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:29.360 mind to to see her in that condition, you know, 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:32.040 to see her behind bars, because I know she's a 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:35.040 flawed woman, just like I'm a flawed man. But that's 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:37.720 my mom. I know, I know her heart, and so 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:39.600 it was tough for me to see that, which is 0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:43.160 probably sounds crazy for me saying that, because we we've 0:16:43.160 --> 0:16:46.600 been to prisons together, Um, you know, visiting people, and 0:16:46.640 --> 0:16:49.280 I can do that all day, but to me, it's tough, 0:16:49.560 --> 0:16:51.920 you know, looking at my own family member, you know, 0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:55.600 in that situation, and it's something that I told her 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:58.160 that I wouldn't do and I haven't to this day. 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:00.880 Maybe I'll get over it a little bit, but to me, 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:04.000 that's honestly a little bit of trauma there that I've 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:07.440 I've tried to stay away from. But you know, it's 0:17:07.520 --> 0:17:09.640 like I said, it wasn't the last time that it happened, 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:11.840 but it was the last time for a long time 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:16.440 before she had another incident. You're saying that you're still traumatized. 0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:19.200 What what are so many things that you're dealing with, 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:22.560 you know obviously as a man, a father, a husband, 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.160 you know, and then ultimately a son that you're still 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:29.080 trying to get through. Yeah, that's probably one of the 0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:31.680 biggest things for me as an adult. You know, you're 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:34.760 you don't realize things when when it happens to you, right, 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:39.600 And as men, especially Black men, you're kind of taught 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:42.880 to just suck it up, holding in, stay to yourself 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:46.439 and keep going. You know, I found myself as a 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:51.439 young and you know, being angry um about certain things, 0:17:52.359 --> 0:17:57.000 and I didn't really know how to communicate it. And 0:17:57.040 --> 0:18:00.119 so I understand when I see a kid now out 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:03.600 that's lashing out, and I'm like, man, like, I see 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:06.720 that because I've been in your shoes, um as an 0:18:06.760 --> 0:18:09.800 adult looking at my kids. Now, you know whether it's abused, 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:12.679 whether it's the way I communicate with my wife. These 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:14.800 are all things that I had to learn, Like, you 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:18.880 don't know that you have issues until you're around somebody 0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:21.280 that lets you know that you're wrong. Yeah, well you 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:24.240 didn't have a playbook, right, And and experiencing that kind 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:26.720 of trauma, it's it's it's definitely big. And I think 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:29.240 for all three of us. I know, you know, Smithy 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:32.040 has his own background, My mom has been through and 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:35.200 a survival of domestic violence as well, and so it 0:18:35.640 --> 0:18:38.120 is a lot. And while I didn't witness my mom. 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:41.120 You see the reverberations and how you just deal with her, 0:18:41.119 --> 0:18:43.960 and so just sharing that, you know, how you deal 0:18:44.000 --> 0:18:47.040 with your mom and and and the and the trauma 0:18:47.119 --> 0:18:49.720 that you've dealt with it. That's man, it's it's it's 0:18:49.720 --> 0:18:51.760 tough because we all are you know, we all are 0:18:51.760 --> 0:18:53.720 taught just kind of deal with it, go on. We 0:18:53.720 --> 0:18:55.800 we we process it and we move on. But we 0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:58.760 really don't process you do it. We don't at all. 0:18:59.160 --> 0:19:03.840 And that's the toughest process it. Bro I just thinking 0:19:03.840 --> 0:19:06.359 about it, going back into some of the stuff that 0:19:06.400 --> 0:19:10.960 I witnessed as as a as a youngster, watching my 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:14.119 mom deal with some of the stuff that she's she 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:18.600 dealt with with her her husband when he was when 0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:24.280 he was alive when I was younger. I can I 0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:28.360 can literally go back and close my eyes and see 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:34.080 those times that like midnight, one am, when the when 0:19:34.119 --> 0:19:38.159 my mom's you know, now he's passed away, husband, you 0:19:38.200 --> 0:19:41.000 should just be raider and talk down to her, and 0:19:41.080 --> 0:19:45.560 she was. I remember specifically one time she was. He 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:48.639 was standing over her, calling her all these calling names, 0:19:49.440 --> 0:19:54.040 and she was crouched down and just fearing for her life. 0:19:54.400 --> 0:20:01.560 And we were living on Cambridge Avenue, the Duplex, and 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:05.080 I just remember that even at forty one right now, 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:08.480 I can remember that. You remember the smell, I can't. 0:20:08.520 --> 0:20:10.960 I can remember the pain color, I remember the I 0:20:11.040 --> 0:20:14.560 remember the like crazy, the what do they? I don't 0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:16.920 even now that I'm I guess now that I'm I'm 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:19.160 an adult and got a little change in my pocket, 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:22.600 like they don't even we call them armed wars, but 0:20:22.680 --> 0:20:26.400 they were like TV stands, And I remember the TV 0:20:26.480 --> 0:20:31.120 stand like I can visualize everything, and so hearing what 0:20:31.200 --> 0:20:37.080 you said, I can't imagine. I don't know. I guess 0:20:37.080 --> 0:20:40.760 for me, is there some shows that I watched today 0:20:40.920 --> 0:20:44.600 that I have to turn off because it triggers something 0:20:44.760 --> 0:20:47.640 in me, that stirs something up in me that's just 0:20:47.680 --> 0:20:52.000 like overwhelmed me. So I'm I can't imagine. Do you 0:20:52.080 --> 0:20:54.359 go through that now, toy? Do you? Did? You know? 0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:57.119 If you watch and obviously how violent shows are you 0:20:57.160 --> 0:21:00.760 when you see someone, especially a woman that is maybe 0:21:00.760 --> 0:21:04.320 pulling the trigger of a of a significant other, do 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:06.720 you go back in time a little bit? Do you 0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:08.440 have that trauma or you just kind of like, oh, 0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:11.639 it's just a TV show. No, it's for sure brings 0:21:11.640 --> 0:21:14.280 you back to that moment, you know, just listening to y'all, Like, 0:21:15.040 --> 0:21:17.440 you know, there's a thousand in cents that I can 0:21:17.480 --> 0:21:19.800 think of, Well, I remember the smell of the car, 0:21:20.280 --> 0:21:22.959 you know what I mean. It's just like you remember 0:21:23.000 --> 0:21:27.280 every single thing. And that to me isn't something that 0:21:27.320 --> 0:21:29.600 I realized, Like it's stuck with me. Not because it 0:21:29.640 --> 0:21:31.840 was a great memory, but it was a traumatic experience. 0:21:32.520 --> 0:21:35.359 And so when you're watching TV and you see a 0:21:35.400 --> 0:21:38.160 story comes up, or you're looking at a kid that's 0:21:38.160 --> 0:21:41.840 curled up that feels like they're powerless, you know, like 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:44.439 you remember what it was like to be in that situation. 0:21:44.520 --> 0:21:47.160 You know, when you're watching a man and his tone 0:21:47.240 --> 0:21:52.360 dealing with the woman, you realize, dang, like that's an issue, 0:21:53.000 --> 0:21:56.520 you know. And and even in myself, like I try 0:21:56.560 --> 0:21:58.280 to make sure that even when I'm talking to my 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:01.960 wife that I'm not letting my tone get to a place. 0:22:02.000 --> 0:22:05.320 I will never physically put my hand my hands on 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:08.840 my wife, but I know that the way my tone 0:22:08.880 --> 0:22:12.040 could be could be just as dangerous as putting my 0:22:12.080 --> 0:22:15.600 hands on my wife. And so that's that's important for 0:22:15.640 --> 0:22:18.600 me to know. But I come from a family where 0:22:19.280 --> 0:22:22.040 communication between my mother and my grandmother was hot stop. 0:22:22.880 --> 0:22:25.080 You know, my mother in the way we communicate that 0:22:25.160 --> 0:22:27.080 time she talked to us because of her own pain 0:22:27.200 --> 0:22:29.600 was hot style. And so you have to learn like 0:22:29.920 --> 0:22:32.240 if that's all you know, you think that's just how 0:22:32.280 --> 0:22:38.600 people communicate, right, And it's introduced me to the fact 0:22:38.600 --> 0:22:40.320 that I know, like, yeah, I'm about to talk to 0:22:40.359 --> 0:22:43.800 me like that just thing, okay, all right? Like and 0:22:43.920 --> 0:22:46.560 so there's things that I seriously like my wife, Like 0:22:46.560 --> 0:22:49.119 people talk about being woke now about social issues, Like 0:22:49.720 --> 0:22:53.200 my wife made me woke and aware of my own 0:22:53.280 --> 0:22:56.399 issues that I haven't dealt with or that I needed 0:22:56.400 --> 0:22:58.600 to deal with. How are you dealing with those right now? 0:22:59.240 --> 0:23:02.320 And I've had to talk to counselors in the past. 0:23:02.359 --> 0:23:04.440 I've had to talk to my peers. I've had to 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:07.560 talk to Steve Smith. I've had to talk to an Kwanbo. 0:23:07.640 --> 0:23:09.600 Then you know, I've had to talk to some of 0:23:09.640 --> 0:23:14.080 my receiver coaches, Jim Hustler, Bobby Ingraham, you know, like 0:23:14.119 --> 0:23:17.360 there are some some great men um that I've I've 0:23:17.359 --> 0:23:19.560 had the Adam Henry, you know, he's down there in 0:23:19.600 --> 0:23:21.879 Dallas right now to receive goes for the Cowboys, Like 0:23:22.080 --> 0:23:24.159 these are men that I was able to talk to 0:23:24.240 --> 0:23:28.800 about real issues. But guess what, they all had experiences too, 0:23:30.280 --> 0:23:34.960 which is something that to me, and being in an 0:23:35.080 --> 0:23:37.679 environment where, like I said, as young black men, and 0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:39.760 even mental health in the black community in general, it's 0:23:39.760 --> 0:23:43.360 like a stigma, like it's negative to go get help. Yep. 0:23:43.640 --> 0:23:46.320 The reality of it is like, no one if you 0:23:46.359 --> 0:23:49.560 continue to hold all this stuff in, like you're never 0:23:49.560 --> 0:23:51.719 gonna be able to heal and move on. Why do 0:23:51.760 --> 0:23:55.680 you think it's it's such a big stigma. And obviously 0:23:55.680 --> 0:23:57.320 in the black community. And the reason I say the 0:23:57.320 --> 0:24:01.240 black community is because you're listening to Tory Smith and 0:24:01.280 --> 0:24:05.320 cut to it, and this is an audio podcast and 0:24:05.720 --> 0:24:09.680 we're black. So that's why we're saying black men. Because 0:24:10.040 --> 0:24:13.439 I don't know what it's like to not be a 0:24:13.560 --> 0:24:18.240 black man. But I also don't act like I know 0:24:18.320 --> 0:24:23.960 what it's like two be a non black man. And 0:24:24.000 --> 0:24:27.720 so there is especially right now in this climate that 0:24:27.840 --> 0:24:30.800 there is a little bit of times people are like, well, 0:24:31.040 --> 0:24:32.919 why does it all you have to be black, you know, 0:24:33.040 --> 0:24:35.479 or why does it have to be race? You know? 0:24:35.560 --> 0:24:39.280 Sometimes racists just used as a you know, as a 0:24:39.320 --> 0:24:43.280 measuring stick, or also just to to paint a picture 0:24:43.520 --> 0:24:47.520 of what people experience like, I mean, you know, I 0:24:47.560 --> 0:24:50.560 hate to say this way, but a short guy has 0:24:50.600 --> 0:24:55.320 no idea what it's like to deal with being a 0:24:55.400 --> 0:24:58.720 seven foot tall guy trying to get into a small car. 0:24:58.880 --> 0:25:01.840 Like there are thing that you have to deal with 0:25:01.880 --> 0:25:03.640 that other people don't have to deal with. So that's 0:25:03.640 --> 0:25:07.120 why I say, as a black man or black men, 0:25:07.880 --> 0:25:12.680 why is mental health such a stigma in the community, 0:25:12.680 --> 0:25:14.600 where when you really think about it, when you just 0:25:14.840 --> 0:25:21.280 strip away all of everything, Bro, you gotta imagine, Tory, 0:25:21.440 --> 0:25:24.960 you what you've dealt with as a young man, watching 0:25:24.960 --> 0:25:29.400 your mother shoot her husband, me watching my mom get 0:25:29.520 --> 0:25:33.920 beat by her husband, Gerard watching his mom get beat 0:25:34.040 --> 0:25:38.199 by her husband. And to say that this doesn't have 0:25:38.240 --> 0:25:40.679 an impact on you, you don't see the world a 0:25:40.720 --> 0:25:45.680 little bit. We apprehension, man, you gotta be blank and 0:25:45.800 --> 0:25:51.280 kid me. It's what we have experienced as young men. 0:25:51.560 --> 0:25:53.520 There are some people are walking in that are walking 0:25:53.560 --> 0:25:57.920 around having never experienced that will never experience it. And 0:25:58.000 --> 0:26:02.000 thankfully my kids will never experience having to watch me 0:26:02.440 --> 0:26:05.440 put my hands on my wife. The only thing I 0:26:05.520 --> 0:26:08.880 put my hands on is a gentle hand on my wife. 0:26:08.880 --> 0:26:11.720 But you know what I'm saying. But it's just it's 0:26:11.800 --> 0:26:14.560 it's experiences, man, And I think what all of us 0:26:14.560 --> 0:26:18.160 are saying is that we're just so often taught as 0:26:18.240 --> 0:26:20.639 black men and maybe as men in general, but our 0:26:20.640 --> 0:26:23.520 experiences are as black men, we're taught suck it up, 0:26:23.800 --> 0:26:26.080 don't say nothing, don't tell the family secrets. We're gonna 0:26:26.119 --> 0:26:29.240 talk about uncle uncle Earl down the street and what 0:26:29.280 --> 0:26:32.199 he's done. Right, Like we just we we always and 0:26:32.240 --> 0:26:35.600 to elaborate on it. We just always keep it within. 0:26:35.720 --> 0:26:38.480 We keep all our family business within the family. That's 0:26:38.480 --> 0:26:42.480 just it seems you don't hear your dirty laundry. It's 0:26:42.520 --> 0:26:46.000 about to me, and I think that's trauming itself. One 0:26:46.040 --> 0:26:50.239 thing that in the black community that we've struggled with, 0:26:50.440 --> 0:26:54.480 specifically along the lines of mental health, is that it's like, 0:26:54.520 --> 0:26:58.320 all right, everyone around you is dealing with it, right, 0:26:58.960 --> 0:27:03.440 and that's that's why generalizing it. But what people are 0:27:03.480 --> 0:27:06.720 saying is that, okay, uncle uncle Earl was dealing with it. 0:27:07.560 --> 0:27:09.480 You know, you you can talk to your peers there 0:27:09.600 --> 0:27:11.520 some people are dealing with the exact same things. But 0:27:11.560 --> 0:27:14.040 it's like you want to protect the people in your home. 0:27:14.160 --> 0:27:19.239 Still in spite of their flaws, you know, and we 0:27:19.320 --> 0:27:23.879 are consistently told and taught as men's tough and like 0:27:23.920 --> 0:27:27.560 it's about being masculine and strong, like you're weak if 0:27:27.560 --> 0:27:29.840 you have to reach out and you can't control what 0:27:29.960 --> 0:27:32.199 your thoughts are in your mind, you know, and in 0:27:32.320 --> 0:27:34.600 other communities, you know, it's important to speak of like 0:27:34.680 --> 0:27:36.960 I know people who are you know, some of my 0:27:37.040 --> 0:27:39.600 wife friends from high school who were dealing with issues 0:27:39.600 --> 0:27:43.960 with sports, dealing with losing and it was okay for 0:27:44.080 --> 0:27:46.960 them and their parents were willing to have them reach 0:27:47.000 --> 0:27:51.919 out to a counselor or to a therapist. In the 0:27:51.960 --> 0:27:55.119 black community, Oh you're talking to the crazy folks. You're 0:27:55.119 --> 0:27:58.280 gonna you gotta go to the crazy house. You know. 0:27:58.400 --> 0:28:00.800 You kind of get judged for wanting to reach out 0:28:00.800 --> 0:28:03.760 to get help. So that's why it's important for men 0:28:03.840 --> 0:28:06.320 like us to speak out about it, because people are 0:28:06.320 --> 0:28:08.720 dealing with issues. A lot of the issues we see now, 0:28:09.040 --> 0:28:13.159 whether it's crime really specifically talking about crime. When you 0:28:13.200 --> 0:28:16.200 see it, you know, I see the kid who witnessed abuse, 0:28:17.320 --> 0:28:21.840 who had no guidance, who couldn't trust people like I 0:28:21.880 --> 0:28:25.400 couldn't trust people because that the people who are responsible 0:28:25.480 --> 0:28:29.000 for providing for you, are putting you in environments that 0:28:29.200 --> 0:28:31.239 you know, as a child you shouldn't even be in. 0:28:31.320 --> 0:28:34.359 Like you're gonna have some trust issues. You know, you 0:28:34.400 --> 0:28:37.240 may follow the wrong crowd because of that. And that's 0:28:37.280 --> 0:28:41.280 not to make excuse for everyone's issues, but I understand 0:28:42.160 --> 0:28:44.440 and so to me, like, that's a big thing that 0:28:44.480 --> 0:28:46.400 we had to continue to talk about because again, we 0:28:46.480 --> 0:28:48.680 all have these problems. And I would have never known 0:28:48.720 --> 0:28:50.720 Steve had these problems if I didn't talk to Steve 0:28:50.760 --> 0:28:53.800 about it, right, I didn't. I wouldn't know g had it. 0:28:53.880 --> 0:28:56.680 We didn't talk about it. So it's important for us 0:28:56.720 --> 0:28:58.960 to continue that conversation man to be better and to 0:28:59.080 --> 0:29:02.000 break that because we have our issues dealing with your 0:29:02.040 --> 0:29:07.600 trauma and negative experiences. You can't do it alone. We 0:29:07.680 --> 0:29:16.840 need to pause, take a moment, refresh yourself. I love 0:29:17.080 --> 0:29:19.760 cut to It, and I love it even more when 0:29:19.800 --> 0:29:24.080 you download us and subscribe, and you can follow us 0:29:24.120 --> 0:29:27.120 on social media too, Smithie, where where at that's at? 0:29:27.160 --> 0:29:31.360 Cut to It on Instagram? What about Twitter? At cut 0:29:31.400 --> 0:29:35.320 to It? Facebook? Cut to It featuring Steve Smith singr? 0:29:35.760 --> 0:29:38.800 What about online? And you can follow us at cut 0:29:38.800 --> 0:29:41.960 to It Podcast dot com where you can buy merch 0:29:42.360 --> 0:29:45.320 and you can subscribe to us wherever you listen to podcasts. 0:29:46.040 --> 0:29:49.400 I got all my answers questions. Uh yeah, I got 0:29:49.480 --> 0:29:52.520 all my questions answered. That's what I'm here for. A 0:29:52.520 --> 0:29:56.719 brother cut to a podcast dot com. How did you 0:29:56.920 --> 0:30:02.520 handle carrying all this to the University of Maryland at 0:30:02.640 --> 0:30:04.480 some point? You know, I don't know if there was 0:30:04.600 --> 0:30:06.920 something that I wouldn't say there was honestly a moment 0:30:07.000 --> 0:30:10.000 or anything just clicked. But that was just my life, right, 0:30:10.120 --> 0:30:13.880 like I I was, no matter what was going on 0:30:13.960 --> 0:30:16.719 around us. My mother said, I need to have good grades, 0:30:17.800 --> 0:30:21.600 right regardless of our situation. We could be moving, you know, 0:30:21.840 --> 0:30:24.960 basically out of our car. You know, I moved before 0:30:25.000 --> 0:30:29.400 I was sixteen. We moved over twenty times, and you go, 0:30:30.120 --> 0:30:32.800 and no matter what happened, I was supposed to have 0:30:32.840 --> 0:30:37.520 great grades. Stay right there though you moved twenty times 0:30:37.560 --> 0:30:40.480 because of what? Why did you move twenty times? Because 0:30:40.480 --> 0:30:43.800 when somebody hears when you moved twenty times, they just go, Man, 0:30:43.880 --> 0:30:47.120 that's a lot. But your mom had you and you 0:30:47.160 --> 0:30:53.560 were six when she was sixteen. You are one of seven, okay, 0:30:53.600 --> 0:30:59.120 sixteen years old, having a child that is a fiscal responsibility. 0:30:59.120 --> 0:31:02.520 That's tough. And it doesn't seem like you're a military 0:31:02.560 --> 0:31:06.719 by It ain't like she was getting relocated because of 0:31:06.720 --> 0:31:10.120 her She was a CEO of a company. She was 0:31:10.160 --> 0:31:13.120 a child having a child, right. I mean when you 0:31:13.200 --> 0:31:18.400 think about you know, for my mother, one, let's get 0:31:18.400 --> 0:31:24.320 her to she's in her twenties, right, she's living, she's working. 0:31:24.360 --> 0:31:26.920 My mother always worked. That's one thing. She's a grinder. 0:31:27.040 --> 0:31:31.040 What happened what I'm telling you about, Like my mother 0:31:31.120 --> 0:31:33.120 was a grinder. That's where I got my work ethic 0:31:33.160 --> 0:31:35.360 from my mother and my grandmother because they did whatever, 0:31:36.120 --> 0:31:39.960 like being young and moving. You know, there are different asws. 0:31:39.960 --> 0:31:42.960 So for example, right, I told you she met disabusive, 0:31:43.520 --> 0:31:48.440 disabusive ex husband of her and I remember the first 0:31:48.480 --> 0:31:50.800 time we had to leave my town to Colonia Beach 0:31:52.080 --> 0:31:55.720 was because we got evicted. We got evictive because this 0:31:55.760 --> 0:32:01.720 guy punch the guy that was coming to fix something 0:32:01.720 --> 0:32:05.360 in the house in the mouth. And then the lady, 0:32:05.760 --> 0:32:08.600 the maintenance lady, the lady who's managing the property, excuse me, 0:32:08.640 --> 0:32:11.360 not the maining the manager of the property. They went 0:32:11.400 --> 0:32:13.120 over there to talk to her. He'd beat her up, 0:32:13.200 --> 0:32:16.000 and the other, so the apartments that I grew up 0:32:16.000 --> 0:32:18.520 and my mom is technically barred off the property right 0:32:18.520 --> 0:32:22.160 now because of him. And you talk about a traumatic experience. 0:32:22.200 --> 0:32:25.440 When my grandmother lived down the street, and you know, 0:32:25.480 --> 0:32:27.280 obviously I wanted to go live with her, you know, 0:32:27.320 --> 0:32:30.480 with my brothers, and in the meantime to my mom 0:32:30.520 --> 0:32:34.160 could find a place. And I remember watching them take 0:32:34.240 --> 0:32:36.760 all of our stuff out and put it on the corner. 0:32:37.880 --> 0:32:40.960 You know, we didn't have a storage unit, right, We 0:32:41.000 --> 0:32:43.520 didn't have money for that. We didn't have a trucks 0:32:43.720 --> 0:32:46.720 to go and pick it up and maybe put in somebody. 0:32:47.400 --> 0:32:51.640 I'm watching people go out there and take our stuff, 0:32:51.880 --> 0:32:55.240 and I'm like guarding it like a little chihuahua, like 0:32:55.360 --> 0:32:58.880 trying to protect you know that their grandma owner. Right. 0:32:59.440 --> 0:33:01.720 Like I'm walking around and I'm like, no, put it back. 0:33:01.760 --> 0:33:04.800 That's my brothers, you know, that's my toy that I'm 0:33:04.840 --> 0:33:09.280 trying to protect it. And I remember my grandma just 0:33:09.400 --> 0:33:11.280 grabbing me coming out there and get me and saying 0:33:11.280 --> 0:33:14.320 it's okay, baby, just come on, we'll get it back. 0:33:15.240 --> 0:33:18.440 And like that moment to me hurt. Man, he still 0:33:18.480 --> 0:33:20.480 hurts even talking about it now. I know it sounds 0:33:20.480 --> 0:33:24.400 little like man, but like man like that that hurt, 0:33:24.760 --> 0:33:27.760 you know, just watching all of that just go out 0:33:27.800 --> 0:33:32.560 the window, and not even because of her mistakes, just 0:33:32.680 --> 0:33:36.960 because of the man that was able to influence it 0:33:38.440 --> 0:33:42.760 and understanding that too. Um wh I'm talking about the 0:33:42.800 --> 0:33:46.000 man that was able to influencer learning from him. It 0:33:46.160 --> 0:33:50.480 wasn't just about the abuse aspect or the power that 0:33:50.560 --> 0:33:52.920 men have, but watching him there let me know the 0:33:52.920 --> 0:33:57.040 power that we have, um to influence a woman who 0:33:57.040 --> 0:33:59.360 wants to be led, a woman who's willing to trust 0:33:59.400 --> 0:34:01.320 you and love you and give you their all, like 0:34:01.720 --> 0:34:04.480 we have the power to influence them, and we and 0:34:05.000 --> 0:34:07.520 to who much is getting? Much is required? And too often, 0:34:08.160 --> 0:34:11.080 you know, we neglect our responsibility and take advantage of 0:34:11.080 --> 0:34:15.120 well for selfish reasons. And I was able to learn 0:34:15.160 --> 0:34:17.759 that from him, you know, because I I used to 0:34:18.400 --> 0:34:21.040 you know, I would have some hard feelings towards my mom, like, 0:34:22.000 --> 0:34:23.719 you know, like how could you be this stupid? Like 0:34:23.840 --> 0:34:27.880 I know, I know this is wrong, and I'm a kid. 0:34:29.200 --> 0:34:31.239 So if I know this wrong, this is wrong, why 0:34:31.320 --> 0:34:34.920 can't you just leave? You know? Why are we in 0:34:34.960 --> 0:34:37.560 this situation? Why do you keep getting why you keep 0:34:37.600 --> 0:34:39.719 fighting him. You're going to jail because of him. If 0:34:39.760 --> 0:34:42.680 I'm able to recognize this as a kid, that y'all 0:34:42.680 --> 0:34:46.520 are the problem relationship wise, why can't you? And then 0:34:46.560 --> 0:34:50.960 I got older and I realized, Okay, you know, I 0:34:51.000 --> 0:34:53.120 was in College Park or just getting ready to leave 0:34:53.160 --> 0:34:56.080 College Park. She had multiple kids and had him to 0:34:56.120 --> 0:35:01.080 influence her, and the perspective matter, you know, And even 0:35:01.080 --> 0:35:04.359 though I do, I feel like, you know, it's it's 0:35:04.360 --> 0:35:08.400 tough too, or it shouldn't be that hard to recognize that. 0:35:08.480 --> 0:35:11.960 I recognized that when you have issues yourself and you 0:35:12.880 --> 0:35:16.320 don't know what real love is like, that's an issue 0:35:16.360 --> 0:35:19.680 as well. And that's something that I struggle with as 0:35:19.719 --> 0:35:24.879 an adult. It's crazy what you're saying, because I can 0:35:24.960 --> 0:35:30.120 go back and remember my mom married her husband. His 0:35:30.239 --> 0:35:36.600 name was Sylvester, and I remember when she married him, 0:35:36.640 --> 0:35:40.440 she had a little small ceremony after several times of 0:35:40.520 --> 0:35:44.520 him just dog just just dog cussing her. And I 0:35:44.560 --> 0:35:47.600 remember the day she married him. I was in a 0:35:47.600 --> 0:35:50.279 little ceremony. I went to the bathroom, I looked in 0:35:50.320 --> 0:35:53.120 the mirror, and I remember that was the day that 0:35:53.160 --> 0:35:57.640 I lost my mom. And I have not connected with 0:35:57.719 --> 0:36:00.440 my mom in a way that a child supposed to 0:36:00.480 --> 0:36:04.880 connect with his mom till his day. And it's something 0:36:05.800 --> 0:36:08.560 that's so bad that in my second year in the league, 0:36:09.480 --> 0:36:14.319 my second year in the league bro off season, my 0:36:14.320 --> 0:36:19.960 mom calls me crying. She called me crying and said 0:36:20.880 --> 0:36:22.360 she was like, I gotta tell you something. I'm like, 0:36:22.360 --> 0:36:26.840 what's up? What she was like, Sylvester died. I didn't 0:36:26.920 --> 0:36:31.080 care that Sylvestor was dead. I was trying to figure out, 0:36:31.200 --> 0:36:34.719 why are you calling me after this man abandoned you 0:36:35.719 --> 0:36:38.799 beat you down, and then you called me as an 0:36:39.080 --> 0:36:47.120 adult talking about a man who pretty much emotionally destroyed 0:36:47.160 --> 0:36:51.960 our family. M hm, And you calling me crying that 0:36:53.000 --> 0:36:55.360 he died and he didn't die like they were together. 0:36:55.400 --> 0:36:58.800 He died because he got a robbery charge and died 0:36:58.840 --> 0:37:01.320 in jail of a heart of time. And she's calling 0:37:01.360 --> 0:37:05.960 me crying and was upset that I didn't receive the 0:37:06.000 --> 0:37:12.000 information with with empathy. I had no empathy, and and 0:37:13.239 --> 0:37:16.080 talking about empathy and kind of going is like why 0:37:16.239 --> 0:37:19.400 one of the reasons I don't trust people is I 0:37:19.520 --> 0:37:24.719 struggled with trust at such a young age in my household, 0:37:26.200 --> 0:37:29.600 from the from the people that are so that that 0:37:29.719 --> 0:37:32.120 give you life. That's supposed to be the most trustworthy 0:37:32.160 --> 0:37:36.719 people that you can be is Mom and pop. H 0:37:37.239 --> 0:37:39.920 Even til this day, it is one of the reason 0:37:39.960 --> 0:37:42.200 why a stranger comes up to me, it's like, Hey, 0:37:42.280 --> 0:37:46.359 what's going on? Right? I don't I have no I'm 0:37:46.440 --> 0:37:52.040 so guarded and so little Steve on, little Smitty that 0:37:52.120 --> 0:37:54.279 I'm like now, I'm good, Like I don't want to. 0:37:54.320 --> 0:37:57.799 I really don't want to interact with strangers because I 0:37:57.840 --> 0:38:00.160 don't know what that person is gonna do to me. 0:38:00.600 --> 0:38:05.160 I don't know how that person will impact me long 0:38:05.280 --> 0:38:08.160 term or short term. So I'm better off just keep 0:38:08.239 --> 0:38:10.239 myself at a distance. Like I could talk to people 0:38:10.239 --> 0:38:11.839 all the time, I'll walk away and go. I will 0:38:11.920 --> 0:38:14.839 never talk to that person ever again, just because I'm 0:38:14.960 --> 0:38:19.000 so closed in and I'm so wounded. Right and many 0:38:19.239 --> 0:38:25.879 months and years and as to three hundred dollars accession 0:38:26.200 --> 0:38:30.160 with a counselor that I believe now it was all 0:38:30.200 --> 0:38:33.160 worth it. I think I got more out of the 0:38:33.160 --> 0:38:35.720 other session that they did, because if I didn't address 0:38:35.760 --> 0:38:39.839 those things, just like tour, I think personally, I would 0:38:39.840 --> 0:38:42.719 be in jail or dead right now, just because of 0:38:42.760 --> 0:38:46.440 the wounds that I experienced and how much anger and 0:38:47.520 --> 0:38:51.279 loneliness that I had. I think it also just goes 0:38:51.280 --> 0:38:55.040 to show, like the tentacles that all this stuff has, 0:38:54.880 --> 0:38:57.520 it's deeply rooted, and it's and it's in you and 0:38:58.000 --> 0:39:00.239 you know, as a forty one year old man, as 0:39:00.320 --> 0:39:03.040 as you know men in their thirties, you know, Tori 0:39:03.160 --> 0:39:07.160 and I, it's the tentacles are deep, and then we 0:39:07.160 --> 0:39:09.759 can get into a whole different conversation and we'll have 0:39:09.800 --> 0:39:12.279 to transition. But it also shows how systemic some of 0:39:12.280 --> 0:39:14.719 this stuff is. Right, And my question to you to 0:39:14.800 --> 0:39:17.239 kind of lead back, is, you know, Tori, I know you. 0:39:17.239 --> 0:39:20.319 You ended up going to the University of Maryland, but 0:39:20.440 --> 0:39:24.880 you're you're a criminal justice major. M hmm. Do you 0:39:24.920 --> 0:39:31.160 think any of your childhood and coming up influenced you're 0:39:31.200 --> 0:39:35.200 choosing that as a major and then transitioning during your 0:39:35.200 --> 0:39:38.560 playing career and now post your career, why you do 0:39:38.680 --> 0:39:42.600 so much criminal justice? Social justice work had everything to 0:39:42.640 --> 0:39:46.359 do with it. You know, I recognize earlier on that 0:39:46.400 --> 0:39:51.279 we had issues, systemic issues within our criminal justice system. 0:39:51.320 --> 0:39:54.400 You know, I'm watching people that I know and love, 0:39:55.400 --> 0:39:59.960 I'm going to jail for using drugs or even selling drugs. 0:40:00.320 --> 0:40:02.719 But I know, people that don't look like them in 0:40:02.800 --> 0:40:09.560 terms of skin color that get fines or shorter sentences. 0:40:09.680 --> 0:40:12.440 And to me, like hearing that early on, that man 0:40:12.480 --> 0:40:16.080 he was doing the same thing my cousin was doing. Like, 0:40:16.160 --> 0:40:18.799 how is how did that happen? Right? Like? And so 0:40:18.920 --> 0:40:21.359 you start to learn things, and you know, you see 0:40:21.400 --> 0:40:24.960 the way, um again, people are charged, and there was 0:40:25.000 --> 0:40:27.080 a major discrepancy that I was able to see with 0:40:27.120 --> 0:40:30.759 my own two eyes. And beyond that, when it came 0:40:30.800 --> 0:40:34.279 to policing in general, um, which is still a part 0:40:34.320 --> 0:40:37.120 of the criminal justice system in my eyes, because you 0:40:37.160 --> 0:40:41.400 know that's amazing branch. The police are the enforcers, right, Um. 0:40:41.440 --> 0:40:45.040 I was able to witness police brutality at an early age. 0:40:45.239 --> 0:40:48.080 You know, I was able to see that some officers 0:40:48.160 --> 0:40:51.120 Please note that I said some, Yes, I agree with you, 0:40:51.239 --> 0:40:57.000 some off them. How all officers abuse power. And you know, 0:40:57.000 --> 0:40:59.600 I've seen people get beat I've seen people. You know, 0:40:59.640 --> 0:41:02.520 he's like the same way you pick the bully picks 0:41:02.560 --> 0:41:06.000 on uh, the kid in class, I've seen police officers 0:41:06.040 --> 0:41:11.560 pick on civilians. And to me, there's always a big difference. 0:41:11.640 --> 0:41:15.440 Right if the civilian uh fights back at the bully, 0:41:15.600 --> 0:41:19.600 then there's an issue, um for them that could literally 0:41:19.680 --> 0:41:21.879 lead to death. I've only seen abuse, but it could 0:41:21.920 --> 0:41:24.640 lead to death if you make the wrong move. So um, 0:41:24.680 --> 0:41:26.479 and not to mention the jail time that you're gonna 0:41:26.480 --> 0:41:29.160 get thrown at you. But I recognized that at an 0:41:29.160 --> 0:41:32.279 early age and also in my mom's situation, which we 0:41:32.320 --> 0:41:34.319 didn't touch on but I'm sure you probably will. When 0:41:34.360 --> 0:41:38.360 I was in college, Um, my mother was arrested for 0:41:38.480 --> 0:41:43.600 the first time and over ten twelve years probably, and 0:41:44.800 --> 0:41:49.239 she was actually arrested for fighting my sister in law 0:41:50.680 --> 0:41:55.160 and my mother was attacked first. I don't know everyone 0:41:55.200 --> 0:41:57.239 says this, but you know, my sister in law will 0:41:57.320 --> 0:42:00.520 even say that's the truth. Uh, you don't. My mother 0:42:00.640 --> 0:42:03.440 first and expected to turn the other cheek. I know 0:42:03.480 --> 0:42:06.520 that's what we're supposed to do biblically, but Mona came 0:42:06.640 --> 0:42:11.400 doing that right. It's just the truth. And you know 0:42:11.560 --> 0:42:15.279 she my assistant law m. P Her put her hands 0:42:15.280 --> 0:42:17.279 on my mother, and my mother passed my nephew who 0:42:17.320 --> 0:42:20.640 she was holding at the time. Passed my nephew off 0:42:20.680 --> 0:42:24.319 and she ended up with the malicious wounding charge from 0:42:24.360 --> 0:42:27.799 fighting her and apparently a tooth was loose and some 0:42:27.880 --> 0:42:30.560 other things. So I'm in college part so she gave 0:42:30.560 --> 0:42:32.719 her I don't mean to make light of it, but 0:42:32.840 --> 0:42:35.879 let's be honest. She gave her all she wanted, gave 0:42:35.920 --> 0:42:40.000 her everything that she wanted, and it was it was. 0:42:40.200 --> 0:42:44.640 It wasn't a good situation afterwards, legally because it happened 0:42:44.680 --> 0:42:48.320 in the same county that my mother had experienced the 0:42:48.360 --> 0:42:50.840 majority of her charges, who had the same d A 0:42:52.360 --> 0:42:55.799 that had been there for thirty years, so he knew 0:42:55.800 --> 0:42:58.560 her since she was a teenager. So so she got 0:42:58.680 --> 0:43:05.480 arrested jail. You are what in college? I am finishing 0:43:05.640 --> 0:43:09.080 up my restret sophomore year that spring, so I'll never 0:43:09.120 --> 0:43:14.399 forget this. We were at in Annapolis, Maryland, and they 0:43:14.480 --> 0:43:18.360 have an award where they bring together Navy in Maryland 0:43:18.480 --> 0:43:20.360 and they honored the m v P. S Well, I 0:43:20.400 --> 0:43:23.719 was the m VP of Maryland that year, and my 0:43:23.719 --> 0:43:25.919 mother was coming up for the banquet and she wasn't 0:43:25.920 --> 0:43:29.319 there on time, and I'm like all I kept calling him, 0:43:29.360 --> 0:43:31.920 like man, what do you ask? She didn't answer, and 0:43:31.960 --> 0:43:34.640 so they end up popping up late. Um when I 0:43:34.680 --> 0:43:36.600 saw her, she came up with my grandmother, but she 0:43:36.680 --> 0:43:41.640 had her hand wrapped and I was confused, um, but 0:43:41.920 --> 0:43:44.160 clearly she had an altercation. She was like, I'll talk 0:43:44.239 --> 0:43:46.480 to you about it afterwards. Well, afterwards, she gets a 0:43:46.520 --> 0:43:50.200 phone call that you have a warn out for your arrest. 0:43:51.000 --> 0:43:53.200 You need to turn yourself in, and she was like, well, 0:43:53.200 --> 0:43:54.840 what am I being charged for it? You know, like 0:43:54.880 --> 0:43:58.040 she hit me first, which we know legally, you know, 0:43:58.160 --> 0:44:00.600 there's a difference between self defense and putting the palls 0:44:00.640 --> 0:44:03.920 on somebody. In the words of Steve Smith, you know 0:44:04.120 --> 0:44:06.520 like that there's legally, you know, you can run into 0:44:06.520 --> 0:44:09.440 some issues even if someone hit you first. She ended 0:44:09.480 --> 0:44:12.799 up turning herself in. This is in February. Hold on 0:44:12.880 --> 0:44:16.960 those one of the things you skipped over because I 0:44:17.400 --> 0:44:21.480 know you well enough. When she comes up late and 0:44:21.600 --> 0:44:24.440 she has her hand wrapped, what's going through your mind? Bro? 0:44:24.880 --> 0:44:27.479 Real talk like be honest. I didn't, man, I didn't 0:44:27.480 --> 0:44:29.920 know if she had an accident. I didn't know what 0:44:30.080 --> 0:44:32.120 because her tone, you know, there were so many like 0:44:32.320 --> 0:44:34.439 think of like banquets style. You have a banquet, there's 0:44:34.640 --> 0:44:37.640 a couple hundred people around, and so you couldn't. You couldn't. 0:44:37.960 --> 0:44:40.440 You couldn't like the diction, but I knew something. I 0:44:40.520 --> 0:44:42.759 knew something was up. This is the thing. She didn't 0:44:42.760 --> 0:44:45.640 have a single scratch on her So, like, you know, 0:44:45.719 --> 0:44:49.840 I'm right, you know, I like, I really I was 0:44:49.880 --> 0:44:51.759 really confused, like that she cut her hand or what. 0:44:52.400 --> 0:44:54.439 But then when you see her answer that phone call, 0:44:54.520 --> 0:44:56.120 and you know she told her she had to turn 0:44:56.160 --> 0:44:59.880 herself in, you know, that's a different kind of conversation. 0:45:00.000 --> 0:45:03.160 I'm still thinking even then, Okay, well she had to 0:45:03.200 --> 0:45:04.880 turn herself and she'll get her out. They'll have her 0:45:04.880 --> 0:45:06.880 then court and they'll talk it out or whatever, and 0:45:06.920 --> 0:45:09.040 they'll drop the charge right at the end of the day. 0:45:09.040 --> 0:45:16.520 It was a family issue. Well, February of two thousand 0:45:16.560 --> 0:45:20.000 and ten turned into my mom not being released until 0:45:20.280 --> 0:45:24.120 almost July or August of that same year. My mother 0:45:24.120 --> 0:45:28.279 couldn't afford a great lawyer. Um, she didn't have a 0:45:28.360 --> 0:45:32.319 bail that we could afford. This is a woman that 0:45:32.400 --> 0:45:35.759 was in jail, that hadn't been in trouble for ten 0:45:35.840 --> 0:45:40.319 twelve years, who had her rights restored. Who we went 0:45:40.400 --> 0:45:44.080 from struggling her working two jobs and that's barely being 0:45:44.120 --> 0:45:47.880 above the poverty line, to all of a sudden she 0:45:47.920 --> 0:45:50.960 gets her rights restored. She educated herself throughout the entire 0:45:51.000 --> 0:45:56.080 process and she was making six figures. She gets into 0:45:56.120 --> 0:46:00.640 this incident and then she loses it all again. She's 0:46:00.680 --> 0:46:05.359 back at the bottom, and I was hopeless. There wasn't 0:46:05.360 --> 0:46:09.759 a single thing that I could do to help the situation. 0:46:09.800 --> 0:46:13.040 I'm in college, I can't really leave early. I don't 0:46:13.080 --> 0:46:15.799 have a job. I'm not having money. My brothers and 0:46:15.840 --> 0:46:21.480 sisters at home with her then um fiance, well husband now, 0:46:22.239 --> 0:46:27.920 but her partner back then. And what am I gonna do? 0:46:28.760 --> 0:46:31.640 You know, all this time, all these years, you know, 0:46:31.719 --> 0:46:33.640 I was there. I was in the house so I 0:46:33.680 --> 0:46:37.680 could help manage my brothers and sister. And in this situation, 0:46:37.960 --> 0:46:41.000 I felt powerless. Like I remember going to coach Regan's 0:46:41.040 --> 0:46:44.640 office and talking to him about it at Maryland. He 0:46:44.680 --> 0:46:48.080 was the head coach and I wasn't tears. Man, I 0:46:48.200 --> 0:46:51.520 just like, man, I just nothing I can do, you know, 0:46:51.640 --> 0:46:53.840 Like how am I gonna make sure that the bills 0:46:53.840 --> 0:46:55.760 don't get cut off? Like my mom had bought a house, 0:46:56.560 --> 0:46:59.120 like she was a homeowner now, Like you don't know 0:46:59.120 --> 0:47:02.640 how much things shane over that ten years and she's 0:47:02.640 --> 0:47:06.520 a homeowner. She's paying her mortgage on time. And now 0:47:07.000 --> 0:47:08.839 I'm trying to figure out how can I work during 0:47:08.880 --> 0:47:11.879 springball to try to make money. How can I get 0:47:11.880 --> 0:47:14.080 a job to try to make money to make sure 0:47:14.080 --> 0:47:16.520 that the bills are on and you can't and you 0:47:16.600 --> 0:47:19.840 can't really work because you're under scholarship. You received a 0:47:19.880 --> 0:47:24.839 scholarship to your student athlete. That's a whole system. So 0:47:24.880 --> 0:47:27.839 you're a student athlete, your mom is in your mom 0:47:27.960 --> 0:47:31.160 is going to jail, or she's currently in jail. You 0:47:31.960 --> 0:47:35.719 have six other brothers and sisters that are dependent now 0:47:35.880 --> 0:47:39.120 on you. You over here still trying to get your 0:47:39.200 --> 0:47:46.200 nail's number right, You're trying to solidify your place in 0:47:46.239 --> 0:47:51.640 the world at the University of Maryland. H you're juggling. Now. 0:47:51.719 --> 0:47:55.279 You go from a student athlete kid to now of 0:47:55.280 --> 0:48:00.960 a sudden, responsible adult, a responsible adult with limited resources, 0:48:02.680 --> 0:48:04.759 Like there is no there is no money that you 0:48:04.800 --> 0:48:07.560 can get from your coaches legally, right, Like that didn't 0:48:07.600 --> 0:48:11.120 happen for me, um And I was able to find 0:48:11.120 --> 0:48:15.439 an internship that I was able to make some money from. 0:48:15.480 --> 0:48:18.080 And you know, we just focused on the bills, you know, 0:48:18.120 --> 0:48:22.279 like you talked about larning financial literacy. Well, when you know, Okay, 0:48:23.000 --> 0:48:26.520 we're lucky that she has a house that she bought 0:48:27.120 --> 0:48:28.600 or we will be getting victory at the end of 0:48:28.600 --> 0:48:33.040 the month. It would be moved twenty two or one, right, 0:48:33.360 --> 0:48:36.759 And I knew then. And also I had a friend 0:48:36.760 --> 0:48:39.480 who was who was in the process of going through 0:48:39.480 --> 0:48:42.799 the drafting, Bruce Campbell. What you guys know Big Bruce. Yeah, 0:48:43.000 --> 0:48:46.360 Big Bruce actually loaned me some money. Man um, he 0:48:46.480 --> 0:48:48.759 loaned me some money. And that was the he's the 0:48:48.760 --> 0:48:50.800 best man. That's one of my best friends in the world. 0:48:51.440 --> 0:48:55.160 And along with that and working, I was able to 0:48:55.200 --> 0:48:58.520 make sure that the bills are paid and she didn't 0:48:58.560 --> 0:49:01.399 get evicted or they didn't get evicted because she didn't 0:49:01.400 --> 0:49:03.040 get out to July. And guess what, when she gets 0:49:03.080 --> 0:49:05.399 out in July, she has to start all over. She's 0:49:05.440 --> 0:49:07.879 a felon. So that was that that six figure job, 0:49:09.800 --> 0:49:13.040 everything's gone back to the bottom. So it's like the 0:49:13.080 --> 0:49:17.520 situation that she was in never even happened. And part 0:49:17.520 --> 0:49:20.799 of the reason why I left Maryland was because of 0:49:20.800 --> 0:49:23.279 that situation. And I talked about it a little bit, 0:49:23.320 --> 0:49:26.160 but everyone doesn't really know. I'll probably just go ahead 0:49:26.160 --> 0:49:28.040 and tell you right now. You know, we went on 0:49:28.120 --> 0:49:30.440 that whole year and I was going to start my 0:49:30.520 --> 0:49:34.920 red shirt junior year football wise, and I remember getting 0:49:34.920 --> 0:49:36.840 on the phone when she got out in like July 0:49:36.960 --> 0:49:38.600 or August. I'm not sure of the month, but I 0:49:38.680 --> 0:49:42.760 just remember coach Freedon gave me permission to leave practice, 0:49:42.760 --> 0:49:45.120 so I'm pretty sure it may have been August to 0:49:45.200 --> 0:49:51.720 go get it um from jail. And so I remember 0:49:51.719 --> 0:49:54.799 getting a phone call with her from the bill collectors 0:49:55.239 --> 0:49:59.919 and they were gonna foreclose at home, and I was like, listen, 0:50:00.040 --> 0:50:04.799 and if y'all can wait until New Year's I'm going 0:50:04.840 --> 0:50:08.640 to have the money. I had no clue if I 0:50:08.680 --> 0:50:10.880 was going to be able to leave early. You know, 0:50:10.960 --> 0:50:12.919 I knew I was, you know, one of the higher 0:50:13.000 --> 0:50:15.680 rated guys, but I could have went out there and 0:50:15.760 --> 0:50:18.759 sucked anything that could have got hurt anything. But I 0:50:18.840 --> 0:50:21.040 was just able to hold them off until New Year. 0:50:21.120 --> 0:50:24.560 So my whole motivation that season, I had two classes 0:50:25.280 --> 0:50:30.279 during the fall because I front loaded everything, and I graduated. 0:50:31.400 --> 0:50:36.280 I graduated that December. But also I played very well, 0:50:37.160 --> 0:50:39.239 and so I went to college. My number one goal 0:50:39.280 --> 0:50:42.200 was to graduate, and now I had the opportunity to 0:50:42.239 --> 0:50:45.000 go and try to provide and really save my family situation. 0:50:45.120 --> 0:50:49.280 And I ended up having that money on New year's 0:50:49.320 --> 0:50:52.360 and my family. You know, I had a place to stay, 0:50:55.680 --> 0:50:59.359 got a place, got a place to stay now forever. Yeah, 0:51:00.040 --> 0:51:04.719 been blessed man, Sure thankful. There are so many young 0:51:05.280 --> 0:51:10.560 Tory Smith's, Gerard little John, Steve Smith Seniors or Steve 0:51:10.600 --> 0:51:15.840 Smith Jrs. Right that are really trying to say, Nobody 0:51:15.840 --> 0:51:20.440 gets me, Nobody really understands what I'm experiencing. I'm just 0:51:20.520 --> 0:51:23.919 a kid. I'm just somebody bitching and complaining. Nobody really 0:51:24.000 --> 0:51:28.000 understands or you give light to what these young men 0:51:28.280 --> 0:51:32.680 and women. There are women w n b A, lawyers, doctors, 0:51:32.680 --> 0:51:35.520 women who are going through the same struggle, whose parents 0:51:35.560 --> 0:51:38.000 had them or mom had them at a young age 0:51:38.440 --> 0:51:42.120 that feel hopeless. What do you tell that person that's 0:51:42.239 --> 0:51:46.880 listening right now, how they not give up? How do 0:51:46.960 --> 0:51:54.000 they not fall into the and in the mental drowning 0:51:54.120 --> 0:51:59.479 of looking at this, it really feels like nability to 0:51:59.480 --> 0:52:04.680 to reality. It's tough, you know, That's the first thing 0:52:04.719 --> 0:52:07.719 I tell But it was tough. Um, it's not going 0:52:07.760 --> 0:52:10.400 to be easy. But I'll just let people know that 0:52:10.520 --> 0:52:14.480 whatever you're experiencing or going through, when whether it's right 0:52:14.520 --> 0:52:17.400 now or a child in my shoes or even adult 0:52:17.400 --> 0:52:20.400 that's still doing those issues, like, if you can control 0:52:20.440 --> 0:52:23.120 what you can control, you can make it out of 0:52:23.160 --> 0:52:27.200 your situation. You know, My entire hustle and grind and 0:52:27.239 --> 0:52:32.520 motivation wasn't about the situation now was in the past. 0:52:32.560 --> 0:52:34.000 It was like, man, how do I make sure that 0:52:34.040 --> 0:52:37.640 when I'm older and not control what I'm doing, that 0:52:37.800 --> 0:52:39.640 my life isn't like this? How do I make sure 0:52:39.719 --> 0:52:42.920 that the life for my future kids isn't going to 0:52:42.960 --> 0:52:46.319 be like this? And it wasn't. It's not all financial, 0:52:47.280 --> 0:52:48.920 you know. I like to tell people that it's not 0:52:48.960 --> 0:52:54.080 all financial, even though my definition of success it's stability. 0:52:54.560 --> 0:52:57.799 M knowing where you're going to live, knowing that you're 0:52:57.800 --> 0:53:00.200 gonna have the opportunity, knowing that who you're going home to, 0:53:01.040 --> 0:53:04.319 your wife, your kids, Like, that's success to me. The 0:53:04.400 --> 0:53:06.759 janitor at my high school was a very successful man. 0:53:08.000 --> 0:53:12.160 He had all of that, you know, like the President 0:53:12.200 --> 0:53:15.319 Obama is a very successful man. He has all of that. 0:53:15.400 --> 0:53:18.040 It's not a money thing, you know, when and I 0:53:18.080 --> 0:53:21.759 think oftentimes with tie money to success. Money for sure 0:53:21.840 --> 0:53:25.359 can help to facilitate to get to that, to reach 0:53:25.400 --> 0:53:26.880 that level, but it's not the end of all, be 0:53:27.000 --> 0:53:29.600 all you mean I told you I moved to when 0:53:29.600 --> 0:53:32.920 it Sometimes being stable is a big deal. It's a 0:53:32.920 --> 0:53:36.000 big accomplishment. And that's something that regardless of what you're 0:53:36.000 --> 0:53:38.759 experiencing now or what your experience in the past, you 0:53:38.760 --> 0:53:41.640 can control not putting your hands on your partner or 0:53:41.719 --> 0:53:44.759 not being abused. You know, that's something that you can 0:53:44.920 --> 0:53:47.160 remove yourself in that situation, even though it's not the 0:53:47.160 --> 0:53:50.600 easiest thing to do. You can remove yourself from that situation. 0:53:51.040 --> 0:53:53.279 You know. You can't try to work to provide, even 0:53:53.280 --> 0:53:56.400 though it's hard, and there are certain levels of certain jobs, 0:53:56.400 --> 0:53:57.719 and you may have to take a step back to 0:53:57.800 --> 0:53:59.840 go forward, but it's something that you are capable of 0:54:00.040 --> 0:54:03.439 on um and simply just communicating and treat treating people 0:54:03.480 --> 0:54:05.560 with respect. It's something that we're all capable of doing. 0:54:05.680 --> 0:54:08.640 So to me, I realized early on that my attitude 0:54:08.680 --> 0:54:10.360 I could control it, regardless of what was going on 0:54:10.440 --> 0:54:13.200 around me. I could control it, and I can't continue 0:54:13.239 --> 0:54:16.759 to project my feelings on other people, like and that's 0:54:16.800 --> 0:54:19.120 a really a humbling thing when you're like, man, like, 0:54:19.760 --> 0:54:21.839 what about what I think? You know? Like no one 0:54:21.920 --> 0:54:26.400 feels no one feels me right, Like no one understands me. 0:54:26.680 --> 0:54:30.040 You know like you sound like you sound like a 0:54:30.080 --> 0:54:33.239 conversation we used to have when I first got to 0:54:33.280 --> 0:54:35.879 the Ravens. Yeah, you know, a matter of fact, let's 0:54:36.000 --> 0:54:38.680 let's dig into that little bit, because I mean where 0:54:38.719 --> 0:54:41.840 you are the first person, that first teammate, the first 0:54:41.880 --> 0:54:44.840 teammate that we've had on cut to it, So you 0:54:44.920 --> 0:54:48.759 gotta give us. Let's let's let's cut to and here's 0:54:48.760 --> 0:54:52.200 the thing. So Steve tried to like prepopulate a story 0:54:52.280 --> 0:54:57.279 that we can get into. Yes, sir, I'm a communications 0:54:57.320 --> 0:55:03.239 made a little bit. But so yeah, he tried to 0:55:03.280 --> 0:55:06.560 pre he tried to preload some stories. I don't want those. 0:55:06.600 --> 0:55:09.719 I don't want those. Give give us some really good 0:55:09.760 --> 0:55:15.759 stories between you be covered one side of the bread, butter, 0:55:15.960 --> 0:55:18.080 how much? How much time do I have? Go ahead 0:55:18.080 --> 0:55:20.799 and all the time in the world, go ahead? My 0:55:20.840 --> 0:55:23.799 favorite Steve st well, I'm not gonna say my favorite, y'all, 0:55:23.800 --> 0:55:27.720 I have a whole don't don't let me Steve, Steve, 0:55:27.760 --> 0:55:32.080 we can cut to it another episode. But Steve, I 0:55:32.200 --> 0:55:35.680 feel like I'm a clettly pretty balanced guy emotionally. You know, 0:55:35.719 --> 0:55:42.320 I had my Steve um He's upset one day and 0:55:42.400 --> 0:55:48.520 I'm trying. I know you've never seen Steve be upset, 0:55:48.560 --> 0:55:52.759 but he was upset one day and I was like, Steve, man, 0:55:52.800 --> 0:55:55.160 it's all right, man, just you know, just just relax. 0:55:56.160 --> 0:55:59.040 And the way he looked at me, I can y'all 0:55:59.040 --> 0:56:02.000 can probably feel the has looked through the micro He 0:56:02.120 --> 0:56:04.400 looked at me like he was ready to kill me. 0:56:04.560 --> 0:56:12.279 He's like, you butt both hast of the bride, don't 0:56:12.360 --> 0:56:16.120 tell Like, bro, I'm on your side. Don't tell half 0:56:16.120 --> 0:56:18.600 of the story though, dogs. So here's here's here's what 0:56:18.680 --> 0:56:24.880 happened on two sides talking about why tell. Okay, So 0:56:24.960 --> 0:56:26.839 we were we were in O t a s. First 0:56:26.840 --> 0:56:29.400 of all, I came to the Ravens. They gave me 0:56:29.440 --> 0:56:33.560 a sign of bonus. They opened up the meeting and 0:56:34.360 --> 0:56:36.640 the offense. Cortin at at the time, who I respect, 0:56:37.600 --> 0:56:39.840 does not mention the thirteen year vet that they just 0:56:39.880 --> 0:56:44.360 picked up. He only mentions Tory, Jacobe all these other dudes. 0:56:44.560 --> 0:56:47.880 So you just spent the off off, all right. And 0:56:47.920 --> 0:56:49.920 so I'm like, come on, see this is see this 0:56:49.960 --> 0:56:52.920 is new to me. So he was like, yeah, you know, 0:56:53.000 --> 0:56:54.839 there's a lot of guys out here you can learn 0:56:54.920 --> 0:57:00.480 from Tory Smith, Jacobe I'm the oldest dude in the room, 0:57:00.520 --> 0:57:03.920 in the wire saving room. Okay, cool, all right, that's 0:57:03.960 --> 0:57:07.920 how it's gonna be. So now I'm running, I'm running. 0:57:08.160 --> 0:57:12.719 Is this not accurate? I'm running with the forces you 0:57:12.800 --> 0:57:15.399 want to know, because that's who they put me with. 0:57:15.560 --> 0:57:19.680 I'm I'm playing for the offense. I didn't know the offense. 0:57:20.600 --> 0:57:26.520 Did you know the offense? Story? Yes, okay, you thunder, 0:57:27.640 --> 0:57:29.560 That's why he said you can learn from it. We 0:57:29.640 --> 0:57:33.240 already knew the offense. So I didn't know the offense, right, 0:57:33.360 --> 0:57:35.040 You see how I just flip that I didn't know 0:57:35.120 --> 0:57:38.240 the offense. But I'm I'm running with dudes that they're 0:57:38.240 --> 0:57:40.960 not even throwing the ball when I'm in they handed 0:57:41.000 --> 0:57:45.440 it off And I'm like, now, so now we're at 0:57:45.440 --> 0:57:48.400 the second level of disrespect. Yeah, so now I'm running 0:57:48.400 --> 0:57:52.600 with dudes that won't even be a training camp. I'm like, 0:57:53.080 --> 0:57:57.480 I can't display how good I am if I'm not 0:57:57.560 --> 0:58:00.120 even able to get the opportunity to show that this 0:58:00.320 --> 0:58:03.680 thirty three, thirty four year old guy can still play. 0:58:03.840 --> 0:58:05.840 And so I'm standing in the back of the line 0:58:06.040 --> 0:58:10.360 earning my voice. But I'm like, to this day, I 0:58:10.480 --> 0:58:14.400 had no care in the world. I woke up on 0:58:14.440 --> 0:58:17.760 the wrong side of the bed. I was piste off 0:58:17.800 --> 0:58:23.320 Smitty and so Joe Flacco, the quarterback who can throw 0:58:23.760 --> 0:58:29.280 the ball ninety yards seventy yards off his back foot 0:58:29.360 --> 0:58:33.680 like it's nothing. But he's in there. And one of 0:58:33.720 --> 0:58:39.600 my one of our boys from Maryland, Gerrard Shepherd Shell. 0:58:40.440 --> 0:58:43.960 So were in two minutes and I'm not getting no passes. 0:58:44.000 --> 0:58:46.920 So I'm running with the ones because toy got a 0:58:47.040 --> 0:58:50.840 day off or whatever the case may be. I yes, 0:58:50.960 --> 0:58:54.440 he was on the field. Yeah I'm I'm I'm lying, 0:58:54.800 --> 0:58:59.360 but he so. But this did happen. I'm wide open. 0:59:00.240 --> 0:59:05.840 He throws the ball to sheep, not eight now, not 0:59:06.000 --> 0:59:12.960 one time, but multiple times. And now I am furious 0:59:12.960 --> 0:59:18.720 by the way. Call all the passes all not one pass, 0:59:19.200 --> 0:59:23.640 the two passes, not three. Every look, every look did 0:59:23.720 --> 0:59:26.040 not go. I didn't get one look. I didn't get 0:59:26.440 --> 0:59:28.760 I didn't get a lick at the cone. I didn't 0:59:28.760 --> 0:59:33.560 get that. I didn't get nothing. And so they already 0:59:33.760 --> 0:59:38.360 can tell by my walk you're boiling right now. Boy, 0:59:38.400 --> 0:59:42.520 if we talk about Maryland blue Crab, I'm the water 0:59:43.760 --> 0:59:47.640 instant hot. And so I go over there and and 0:59:47.760 --> 0:59:50.360 Tori being the way Tori is. Toris like, no, you 0:59:50.400 --> 0:59:52.480 know he want to pat me on the bat, Nah, 0:59:52.640 --> 0:59:57.520 big bro, you good, he'd be a peacemaker. I want 0:59:57.560 --> 1:00:03.560 no part of that peacemaker, right, Like like like Tories Mama Monica, 1:00:03.960 --> 1:00:08.960 I'm trying to put them palls on somebody. And so 1:00:09.080 --> 1:00:12.360 I'm like, so, I think this is a story goes 1:00:12.360 --> 1:00:14.880 like this. I said, I said, Bobby ingram my wife, 1:00:14.880 --> 1:00:19.920 receiver coach, and so I said shop was McDonald's. And 1:00:19.960 --> 1:00:23.560 I said, I'm Rufe's, Chris, and you do not take 1:00:23.640 --> 1:00:26.160 your family or take your girl out on the date 1:00:26.360 --> 1:00:33.360 to Makedonald's. You take her aware, Bruce Chris that I'm 1:00:33.400 --> 1:00:37.680 not gonna see. That was the funniest line I've ever 1:00:37.720 --> 1:00:41.960 heard from anyone, because he's standing in a normal tone. Now, 1:00:42.040 --> 1:00:46.800 imagine someone being piste off yelling you don't go to McDonald's. 1:00:46.920 --> 1:00:52.760 When you got Rufe, Chris, I was dying laughing. But 1:00:53.480 --> 1:00:55.400 I mean that was Steven. He was mad with me. 1:00:55.720 --> 1:01:00.720 But we walked in and we hugged it out. Good. 1:01:00.960 --> 1:01:03.360 I think it's about that time. Just take a little breather. 1:01:04.120 --> 1:01:11.640 Good God, let's getting down to dood Hey, Gerard, why 1:01:11.680 --> 1:01:15.000 didn't you get that T shirt? Oh yes, I got 1:01:15.000 --> 1:01:17.000 it from cut to a podcast dot com where we 1:01:17.040 --> 1:01:20.160 have exclusive merchandise. Shout out to our guys at seven 1:01:20.240 --> 1:01:22.200 or four shot. But yeah, you can go on, buy 1:01:22.200 --> 1:01:24.560 you a T shirt, subscribe to us wherever you listen 1:01:24.560 --> 1:01:30.200 to podcasts. Tory was that dude a teammate of mind 1:01:30.280 --> 1:01:32.480 that when I really look at it, when we talked 1:01:32.520 --> 1:01:35.320 about going down that dark alley. I remember there was 1:01:35.360 --> 1:01:41.840 a play that one of the dbs hit Tory late 1:01:42.560 --> 1:01:47.160 and it was a run play, and I remember looking 1:01:47.160 --> 1:01:48.880 at him in a huddle. I'm like, bro, you good. 1:01:48.920 --> 1:01:52.520 He like, man, he got me pretty good. And I 1:01:52.560 --> 1:01:55.200 looked at him and I said, I got him. And 1:01:55.240 --> 1:01:58.880 the next play, I didn't care what the play was 1:01:59.080 --> 1:02:01.520 us want to clean his I went and cleaned this clock. 1:02:02.760 --> 1:02:05.200 Yeah I knew, I know you like And it was 1:02:05.280 --> 1:02:12.400 like that was how I looked at my teammates, where 1:02:12.440 --> 1:02:16.160 we we like brothers and sisters. Right, you you bid, 1:02:16.360 --> 1:02:21.840 you you bit and complain, you bicker, you fight, But nah, 1:02:21.880 --> 1:02:26.840 I don't know body Bob cross I could. I could 1:02:26.880 --> 1:02:32.360 beat up Toy, but nobody else could beat up Toys 1:02:33.760 --> 1:02:37.320 and Tory is one of those teammates that I was 1:02:37.400 --> 1:02:41.360 fortunate enough to play football with him, fortunate enough a 1:02:41.440 --> 1:02:46.240 little bit, but I gained a lifetime friend and a 1:02:46.320 --> 1:02:50.440 brother in arms, and a brother I can call on 1:02:51.000 --> 1:02:54.120 for advice, good advice and even bad advice to go. 1:02:54.200 --> 1:02:56.720 You know what, I know Tory gonna give me the 1:02:56.800 --> 1:02:59.240 real I know Tori is gonna shoot me straight. And 1:02:59.280 --> 1:03:02.960 that's gotta think about it. In the pandemic and in life. Man, 1:03:02.960 --> 1:03:06.160 those are rare people like torys a unicorn. He's not 1:03:06.240 --> 1:03:09.880 one of those that you see all the time. And 1:03:09.920 --> 1:03:12.800 I experienced that, and I would have never experienced it 1:03:12.880 --> 1:03:16.720 without taking that leap and going out and say, you 1:03:16.720 --> 1:03:19.320 know what, I'm gonna go to Baltimore and and and 1:03:19.800 --> 1:03:23.320 I got opportunity to learn who who James Tory Smith 1:03:23.520 --> 1:03:27.200 was in which there are many days that we talked 1:03:27.880 --> 1:03:31.680 in the meeting room, a little bit about ball and 1:03:31.760 --> 1:03:38.520 a lot about life. M hmm. And from him he 1:03:38.600 --> 1:03:44.600 said he needed it. But that's how relationships. Yeah, And 1:03:44.640 --> 1:03:47.280 when we talk about a brotherhood, like, we have too 1:03:47.360 --> 1:03:50.920 many one side of relationships out here, right, and you 1:03:51.000 --> 1:03:53.240 have to have somebody that can point to you that 1:03:53.320 --> 1:03:56.439 you can receive from them and vice versa. And for me, 1:03:57.080 --> 1:03:59.920 you gotta think I was in year four. I'm going 1:04:00.040 --> 1:04:04.880 into my contract year. You know, I'm stressing out over 1:04:04.920 --> 1:04:10.280 that I'm having family issues like no other. And I 1:04:10.320 --> 1:04:14.120 was able to talk to Steve about these things and 1:04:14.320 --> 1:04:18.600 to him to have somebody that one just listened, but 1:04:18.720 --> 1:04:21.800 also a person with a perspective, they understand where I'm 1:04:21.840 --> 1:04:24.440 coming from, Like that meant the world. You know, I 1:04:24.480 --> 1:04:26.280 was newly married. I don't even been married like a 1:04:26.360 --> 1:04:30.120 year or's two before Steve got there. And to be 1:04:30.200 --> 1:04:33.760 able to talk about different challenges there, like there were 1:04:33.840 --> 1:04:36.520 real life things that I don't have a lot of 1:04:36.600 --> 1:04:39.880 men that I call on or or feel comfortable calling 1:04:39.920 --> 1:04:44.360 on for certain issues. So to have someone that came 1:04:44.400 --> 1:04:47.919 into the room, like you know, I believe in God 1:04:47.960 --> 1:04:49.960 and I believe, I swear like everything happened for a 1:04:49.960 --> 1:04:52.320 reason for Steve Smith to be there, you know, the 1:04:52.360 --> 1:04:55.160 same Steve Smith that Carolina might have felt like was 1:04:55.200 --> 1:04:58.760 an issue. It was a blessing to me in Baltimore 1:04:59.640 --> 1:05:03.160 and that locker room. I gotta give you kudos and 1:05:03.200 --> 1:05:06.680 also act like nobody's in the room and me not 1:05:06.720 --> 1:05:10.880 get emotional is because of you pushing me and challenging me. 1:05:11.440 --> 1:05:15.640 I would not have been an NFL analysts because I 1:05:15.800 --> 1:05:18.760 was when I looked at film, when I looked at 1:05:18.760 --> 1:05:21.520 a guy, I was like, he can player, he knp 1:05:22.400 --> 1:05:26.439 And so we had Week four against Carolina and and 1:05:26.440 --> 1:05:28.480 and Bobby Ingram, who's a good friend of mine, a 1:05:28.480 --> 1:05:30.920 good friend of Tory, who I played against in Seattle 1:05:31.520 --> 1:05:35.920 as well. Um, he goes up, all right, Steve, you 1:05:35.960 --> 1:05:37.720 gotta leave. You know this team like the back of 1:05:37.760 --> 1:05:43.680 your hand. And before I opened my mouth, Tory goes, Steve, H, 1:05:44.680 --> 1:05:47.760 don't give us everybody's a bump? Can you finally give 1:05:47.880 --> 1:05:52.720 us a real rundown of this team? And I kind of, 1:05:52.840 --> 1:05:56.960 you know, I wrote my eyes, kind of like like 1:05:57.000 --> 1:05:59.320 a kid. I wrote my now that I think about, 1:05:59.320 --> 1:06:02.040 I wrote it like of my kids. And I and 1:06:02.080 --> 1:06:04.360 I said, all right, and I broke down the team 1:06:04.520 --> 1:06:07.400 from the starters all the way to the guys that 1:06:07.440 --> 1:06:10.520 potentially would play, and I broke them down with their 1:06:10.560 --> 1:06:15.440 strengths and weaknesses. Are But I would have never I 1:06:15.480 --> 1:06:19.160 would say this at times in football because I knew 1:06:19.200 --> 1:06:21.400 the game so well, and I loved the game, and 1:06:21.400 --> 1:06:23.680 I had a passion for I was lazy in my 1:06:23.760 --> 1:06:28.400 descriptions of people, and so Tor was like, bro, stop 1:06:28.400 --> 1:06:31.560 being lazy. Everybody can't be a bummed this dude and 1:06:32.480 --> 1:06:34.560 this dude this in the league for a reason. Can 1:06:34.640 --> 1:06:38.280 you please tell me why is he good? What do 1:06:38.400 --> 1:06:40.919 you see? Because we were being film and Tory coming 1:06:40.960 --> 1:06:42.360 there like, bro, what are you looking at I'm like, 1:06:42.400 --> 1:06:44.240 I want to see this, this, this, I'm looking at this. 1:06:44.320 --> 1:06:46.600 He was like, why don't you explain that to us? 1:06:47.040 --> 1:06:50.240 I was lazy? He can't play. Because of that, Tory 1:06:50.560 --> 1:06:53.360 showed me what was inside of me that I didn't 1:06:53.400 --> 1:06:55.800 really realize that I could do this for a liver. 1:06:56.520 --> 1:07:00.120 But it was Tory who pushed me, the guy one 1:07:00.200 --> 1:07:03.040 in this fourth fifth year that pushed me this old head, 1:07:03.360 --> 1:07:06.840 he stop being lazy. And because of that tour, you 1:07:06.920 --> 1:07:11.280 build something in me that gave me the confidence to know, hey, 1:07:11.400 --> 1:07:15.600 you know, don't let me display that Steven that I've 1:07:15.880 --> 1:07:19.520 harbored in and kind of guarded myself against. Like you 1:07:20.120 --> 1:07:23.840 had so much knowledge, like Steve Smith's knowledge of the game. 1:07:24.480 --> 1:07:26.640 Let's not even talk about analysts. Suff there are things 1:07:26.720 --> 1:07:30.040 that he's seen during the game that would mean the 1:07:30.120 --> 1:07:33.200 world to younger guys. So I would like kind of 1:07:33.200 --> 1:07:36.040 be like the little brother that's pestering, like, man, I 1:07:36.080 --> 1:07:38.960 want more, you know, like I know, like I know 1:07:39.080 --> 1:07:41.600 you know because you've seen it, right, Like they're like, 1:07:41.640 --> 1:07:43.800 so when we talk about film study and everyone talks 1:07:43.800 --> 1:07:47.640 about like, oh, everyone's great guys like Steve, guys like 1:07:48.280 --> 1:07:51.160 guys who played they could go out on that field 1:07:51.320 --> 1:07:54.280 any Sunday not even know who they're playing and go 1:07:54.360 --> 1:07:58.360 out there and perform and perform. Well, why because there 1:07:58.400 --> 1:08:01.920 isn't anything new that they're gonna see that they haven't seen. 1:08:03.320 --> 1:08:06.280 And to be able to communicate that when you know 1:08:06.800 --> 1:08:08.880 individuals and you're breaking her down the way I may 1:08:08.920 --> 1:08:12.280 break down an individual it's different than him, and we 1:08:12.400 --> 1:08:15.400 might break it down together. Was different for Jakobe Jones 1:08:15.480 --> 1:08:19.040 or Bobby Ingram. So for us in that room, like 1:08:19.240 --> 1:08:21.559 and I was the baby, you know out of those guys, 1:08:21.680 --> 1:08:24.360 like it was always great conversation. But Steve, you knew, 1:08:24.439 --> 1:08:27.400 he knew so much. And I'm not saying like he 1:08:27.439 --> 1:08:29.840 didn't do it before. You know, he had a short 1:08:29.880 --> 1:08:32.479 way of communicating. But the initial sentence was going to 1:08:32.560 --> 1:08:34.920 be everyone was a bump and they Okay, now do 1:08:35.000 --> 1:08:36.960 we get that out of the way. Steve. How would 1:08:37.760 --> 1:08:40.000 you know? But he was. He was awesome with that 1:08:40.160 --> 1:08:42.240 as a player. And the next thing, you know, I 1:08:42.280 --> 1:08:47.439 will never forget the Carolina breakdown because one, it was personal, right, 1:08:47.479 --> 1:08:49.680 we knew how much it meant to him. But to 1:08:49.880 --> 1:08:54.840 study a guy, a younger Josh Norman, who is you know, 1:08:55.000 --> 1:08:58.559 coming off of his first big year um and seeing 1:08:58.600 --> 1:09:01.720 the things that the weaknesses that he knew from going 1:09:02.120 --> 1:09:05.880 against him every day in practice, you know, So it 1:09:05.920 --> 1:09:08.560 was a great experience to be able to listen and 1:09:08.720 --> 1:09:12.200 to see it, and honestly to see him dominate that 1:09:12.280 --> 1:09:15.320 day too. It's gonna be hard to top a lot 1:09:15.360 --> 1:09:17.519 of the stuff you've already given us, whether it be 1:09:18.320 --> 1:09:21.320 talking about your upbringing or talking about mental health in 1:09:21.360 --> 1:09:23.439 the black community. But we're about to go into a 1:09:23.479 --> 1:09:26.400 part of our podcast we like to call the deep three. 1:09:26.840 --> 1:09:28.720 And so we know that a three route isn't deep. 1:09:28.720 --> 1:09:30.360 So you're gonna let us be great anyway. So we 1:09:30.400 --> 1:09:33.599 know that, but uh, these next three, these next three 1:09:33.640 --> 1:09:36.599 questions just allow us to take a deeper dive into you, 1:09:36.600 --> 1:09:38.920 you know, as a person beyond your profession. So Smitty, 1:09:39.240 --> 1:09:44.160 go ahead and lead us into deep three. You celebrated 1:09:44.280 --> 1:09:47.880 an anniversary with your wife. What is being a father 1:09:47.960 --> 1:09:54.760 and a husband meaning you today means everything? You know, 1:09:54.840 --> 1:10:00.559 we just celebrated year seven and the responsive ability that 1:10:00.640 --> 1:10:04.040 comes with that, Like every time I look at my wife, 1:10:04.320 --> 1:10:06.679 every time I look at my kids, I look at 1:10:08.160 --> 1:10:12.920 the individuals that I prayed for and that I made 1:10:12.920 --> 1:10:17.680 decisions for without even knowing they existed. And to add 1:10:17.720 --> 1:10:21.559 the responsibility to provide for them, to be challenged by 1:10:21.600 --> 1:10:25.519 my wife, to be a better communicator, to not let 1:10:25.720 --> 1:10:29.439 my past um impact the way that I am with 1:10:29.520 --> 1:10:32.280 my kids, and to be able to see them through 1:10:32.320 --> 1:10:35.839 and lead them. Um especial, you know, and she's special 1:10:36.040 --> 1:10:39.519 and the way she helps challenge me. So I'm for 1:10:39.560 --> 1:10:42.240 sure thankful for it. And that's the biggest responsibility that 1:10:42.520 --> 1:10:45.320 I'll ever have on this on this earth. And I 1:10:45.479 --> 1:10:47.600 don't take it for granted, and I don't take the 1:10:47.680 --> 1:10:51.800 responsibility lightly, you know. It's I'm fortunate that, you know, 1:10:51.840 --> 1:10:53.599 I was able to play as long as I did, 1:10:54.120 --> 1:10:56.719 and I'm looking forward to, you know, being more present 1:10:56.760 --> 1:10:59.360 now with my kids, and I'm trying to be a 1:10:59.360 --> 1:11:02.920 better father and a better husband myself. That's where you 1:11:02.960 --> 1:11:06.519 talked a lot about your childhood what you saw, what 1:11:06.640 --> 1:11:10.160 you what your experience looking back on it. Now, what 1:11:10.200 --> 1:11:14.560 does forgiveness mean to you as an adult? M M, 1:11:15.080 --> 1:11:17.680 you're really good right there. But but but me in 1:11:17.800 --> 1:11:24.000 counseling right now now, forgiveness is huge. Man. Do you 1:11:24.040 --> 1:11:27.920 know for me how hard it was? Forgiveness is everything. 1:11:27.960 --> 1:11:32.160 But forgiveness isn't easy. I will say that, um, But 1:11:32.280 --> 1:11:35.240 when you do it, it's very free, like you feel 1:11:35.280 --> 1:11:38.360 like you have a weight lifted off, like it's not 1:11:38.439 --> 1:11:42.519 yours to carry. Um. But I've been able to forgive 1:11:42.840 --> 1:11:47.320 my mother's ex husband. Forgive doesn't mean that we're buddies 1:11:48.040 --> 1:11:50.800 or that we're gonna be hanging out, nothing like that. 1:11:50.800 --> 1:11:52.759 That might work for some people, but that's not working 1:11:52.800 --> 1:11:55.560 with me in this situation. Um. But I forget. I 1:11:55.720 --> 1:11:59.599 forgive him, um. And you know, but we're all sinners, 1:11:59.720 --> 1:12:03.839 just him, um, and I'm no better. So I forgive him. Man, 1:12:03.600 --> 1:12:05.800 I can move on. I don't carry that same type 1:12:05.800 --> 1:12:08.240 of hatred that I used to have, that same type 1:12:08.240 --> 1:12:11.400 of hatred that would cause me to be up at 1:12:11.479 --> 1:12:15.760 night or the being a rage every time I even 1:12:15.920 --> 1:12:19.320 think of his hear his name or pictures face, you know, 1:12:19.360 --> 1:12:22.439 Like I don't have that anymore. UM, I think of 1:12:22.520 --> 1:12:26.000 forgetting this for my mother as well. Mhm. I used 1:12:26.000 --> 1:12:29.960 to judge my mother and and for the situations that 1:12:30.640 --> 1:12:35.559 she put me through, or my brothers and my siblings through. Um, 1:12:35.600 --> 1:12:38.080 I carried a lot of weight. You know, I've always 1:12:38.080 --> 1:12:40.840 loved my mother through that, But I carried I was, 1:12:41.000 --> 1:12:43.559 I had carried a lot of weight and and honestly, 1:12:43.600 --> 1:12:46.360 I would say hatred towards a lot of things towards 1:12:46.400 --> 1:12:49.400 her in a lot of ways, UM, that I no 1:12:49.439 --> 1:12:54.040 longer have because my perspective is different. I've forgiven her, 1:12:54.080 --> 1:12:58.240 and I understand, you know when I think about now again, 1:12:58.320 --> 1:13:00.439 I'm not taking away from the fact of these were 1:13:00.439 --> 1:13:04.040 her decisions and she made them. But I just take 1:13:04.080 --> 1:13:06.160 a look back at where I was at twenty five 1:13:06.720 --> 1:13:10.040 and where she was at, and if I was in 1:13:10.080 --> 1:13:14.839 this situation, what I've been or done any better? And 1:13:15.040 --> 1:13:17.599 when you think about it, it's, you know, it's it's 1:13:17.640 --> 1:13:20.920 a tough situation, UM, And your perspective is different. Right, 1:13:21.000 --> 1:13:23.160 I was twenty five years old, Stephen. I think I 1:13:23.200 --> 1:13:26.280 was just around you, Right, I was around that age, 1:13:26.560 --> 1:13:29.240 and you know, my mother had multiple kids and still 1:13:29.240 --> 1:13:35.559 trying to survive literally survived her abusive relationship, so um man, 1:13:35.640 --> 1:13:37.240 it was a different thing. But I've been able to 1:13:37.280 --> 1:13:40.040 forgive her, and now I don't. I don't. I don't 1:13:40.040 --> 1:13:42.800 bring that up, you know. I try not to talk 1:13:42.840 --> 1:13:45.639 about the past towards her, because you can't truly forgive 1:13:45.680 --> 1:13:47.519 someone to interact with them if you're gonna throw it 1:13:47.560 --> 1:13:51.439 in their face every single time, you know, you get 1:13:51.439 --> 1:13:54.080 into an argument or you bring back these old feelings. 1:13:54.120 --> 1:13:56.000 They may never go away. But I forgiven her, so 1:13:56.040 --> 1:13:58.360 I know not to bring it up, you know, And 1:13:58.360 --> 1:14:01.519 and that's huge for me. Show the last question to 1:14:01.760 --> 1:14:07.200 end it all, if you if older Tory had the 1:14:07.280 --> 1:14:10.759 opportunity to go back in time and write a letter 1:14:11.360 --> 1:14:18.840 to young Tory, whoop to say, um, don't let your 1:14:18.920 --> 1:14:25.800 circumstances of situations make your heart cold. I feel like 1:14:27.040 --> 1:14:30.840 everything I'm telling y'all, I missed out. Not even that 1:14:30.880 --> 1:14:34.280 I missed out. I've carried a lot of weight. Um. 1:14:34.320 --> 1:14:37.840 I built up these walls to protect me from so 1:14:37.880 --> 1:14:41.599 many things, and it's even blocked me from the ability 1:14:41.680 --> 1:14:45.720 to love the right way. Like I'm I'm I'm a 1:14:45.760 --> 1:14:48.080 thirty one year old man, and I'm I have to 1:14:48.240 --> 1:14:53.120 learn how to love like that's the weirdest thing to say, um, 1:14:53.160 --> 1:14:55.679 because love to me, like I said that people around 1:14:55.680 --> 1:14:59.519 me and this is loved and and you're saying you 1:14:59.560 --> 1:15:02.920 love me like this doesn't add up, you know, like 1:15:03.000 --> 1:15:06.280 these decisions, the situations you put me in, this isn't 1:15:06.320 --> 1:15:09.639 love right. And so for me that process is with 1:15:09.680 --> 1:15:13.280 my my wife, UM being I was, I'm super awkward, 1:15:13.360 --> 1:15:15.720 Like I didn't tell people, um, I love them like 1:15:15.760 --> 1:15:18.240 I made sure because of what I saw and what 1:15:18.320 --> 1:15:20.439 people said, I love you and I love you carried 1:15:20.479 --> 1:15:24.200 no weight. I needed to know that your action showed it. 1:15:24.320 --> 1:15:28.479 So I went until I was probably about years old 1:15:28.880 --> 1:15:31.040 before I've been told my people around me and started 1:15:31.080 --> 1:15:35.040 telling them that I love them because I it didn't 1:15:35.080 --> 1:15:37.200 make any sense as the accidn't show and I always 1:15:37.200 --> 1:15:39.680 and everyone's like, you know, you just know how Tor is. 1:15:40.040 --> 1:15:42.560 You know how tor is, Like he's gonna show you, 1:15:42.560 --> 1:15:44.720 He's not gonna say it right. And I just kind 1:15:44.720 --> 1:15:47.840 of started listening to that a little bit and think like, well, 1:15:47.880 --> 1:15:50.200 if I'm gonna complain about how it was for me 1:15:50.320 --> 1:15:54.800 coming up, I'm no better in the way that I'm 1:15:54.840 --> 1:15:57.680 handling these things. And it made me cold in a 1:15:57.760 --> 1:16:01.800 lot of ways. I'm used to disappointment, um from other people. 1:16:01.800 --> 1:16:04.439 I'm used to being disappointed from other people's actions. I'm 1:16:04.520 --> 1:16:07.679 used to uh failure, and so all of these things 1:16:07.800 --> 1:16:12.479 kind of built this cold heart that Honestly, my wife 1:16:12.680 --> 1:16:17.040 has probably felt the biggest blow from that and and 1:16:17.120 --> 1:16:21.840 her journey with me and helping me to be better. So, UM, 1:16:21.880 --> 1:16:24.840 I would say that just open up more and not 1:16:24.960 --> 1:16:26.479 take as long, because I think I would be a 1:16:26.520 --> 1:16:28.880 lot more. I think my heart is pure in terms 1:16:28.880 --> 1:16:31.439 of like my intentions and my love is. I feel 1:16:31.439 --> 1:16:34.320 like it's it's being the goal and the objective and 1:16:35.000 --> 1:16:38.559 what I want and what I projected is pure and real. 1:16:38.720 --> 1:16:42.519 But um, I know my cold heart and feelings have 1:16:42.800 --> 1:16:49.559 hurt some people along the way. Tour. Yep, love you, Bro, 1:16:50.560 --> 1:16:52.920 Love you too, Man, love you to love you too. Bro. 1:16:53.000 --> 1:16:58.080 Appreciate you, Man, appreciate appreciate me. If you find yourself 1:16:58.240 --> 1:16:59.920 in that place where you need help and you know 1:17:00.160 --> 1:17:03.200 you don't know where to term for general information, we 1:17:03.280 --> 1:17:05.759 have a number for you on mental health and treatment 1:17:05.800 --> 1:17:11.360 services in your local area. One eight seven seven seven 1:17:11.400 --> 1:17:15.920 to six four seven to seven again one eight seven 1:17:16.000 --> 1:17:20.479 seven seven to six four seven to seven. It's not 1:17:20.600 --> 1:17:24.400 about the stigma of mental health, is about getting better 1:17:25.120 --> 1:17:35.400 within your mental health. Suck it up is not the 1:17:35.600 --> 1:17:39.679 answer to fix everything. Sometimes you have to seek help 1:17:40.240 --> 1:17:45.400 and seek outside outsider's perspective to get a healthy perspective 1:17:46.280 --> 1:17:50.719 of what you consider normal. And you know, moving twenty 1:17:51.240 --> 1:17:55.920 plus times is not normal. Watching your mom shoot her 1:17:56.000 --> 1:17:59.559 husband is not normal. So that's what I really loved 1:17:59.600 --> 1:18:05.400 about Tory expressing and sharing and and given that opportunity 1:18:05.479 --> 1:18:08.880 to say, hey, mental health is something serious and we 1:18:08.960 --> 1:18:11.280 all go through it, but how we handle it and 1:18:11.320 --> 1:18:14.040 how we seek help is more important. You wrote an 1:18:14.280 --> 1:18:18.479 article for NFL dot com two years ago and really 1:18:18.760 --> 1:18:24.639 detailing your own journey and about with depression anxiety, and 1:18:24.680 --> 1:18:29.040 I just can remember the outpourn of love from people 1:18:29.760 --> 1:18:32.639 saying that how you inspired them and how you impacted them, 1:18:33.160 --> 1:18:35.960 and even me being one of them, right, just even 1:18:36.000 --> 1:18:39.360 having my own about with depression and mental health. And 1:18:40.120 --> 1:18:44.160 it's it's refreshing to hear athletes, but just people in 1:18:44.200 --> 1:18:49.360 general starting to be outspoken about mental health because it 1:18:49.439 --> 1:18:52.639 runs so rampant. It is, it is very much it. 1:18:52.640 --> 1:18:57.400 It doesn't care socio economically doesn't care, black or white, 1:18:58.000 --> 1:19:00.760 but it is stigmatized, right. It happens to be stigmatize 1:19:00.960 --> 1:19:03.439 in our black community. But I think the more that 1:19:03.479 --> 1:19:06.719 we can have these conversations around being transparent, being open, 1:19:06.760 --> 1:19:10.200 sharing our own experiences is the way that we can 1:19:10.479 --> 1:19:13.920 kind of pull ourselves out of it and and normalize 1:19:14.000 --> 1:19:16.160 going to get help, going to get therapy, going to 1:19:16.160 --> 1:19:19.960 get counseling, and just becoming whole, speaking up and not 1:19:20.160 --> 1:19:22.680 holding it in. It's the first step, and if you 1:19:22.720 --> 1:19:31.920 can do that, you can take the next step. Cut 1:19:31.960 --> 1:19:35.360 to It with Steve Smith Singer That Is Me is 1:19:35.400 --> 1:19:40.320 a production of Cut to It, LLC Ball Told Creative Media, 1:19:40.680 --> 1:19:44.320 The Black Effect, and I Heart Radio. For more podcast 1:19:44.439 --> 1:19:47.479 from my Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app, 1:19:47.640 --> 1:19:51.559 Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. 1:19:52.439 --> 1:19:56.640 From Cut to It. Executive producer Steve Smith, Singer, co 1:19:56.840 --> 1:20:01.080 host Gerard little John, talent in booking man manager Joe Fusci, 1:20:01.560 --> 1:20:06.160 social media manager Peyton Smith from balto Creative Media. Cut 1:20:06.160 --> 1:20:10.000 Too It is produced by Brian Balka Chevic and Meredith Carter, 1:20:10.360 --> 1:20:14.599 with the production assistance by Alex Lebrek, Production manager Sarah Pollock. 1:20:15.040 --> 1:20:18.639 Theme music by Alex Johnson, Lyrics and vocals by Anthony Hamilton. 1:20:19.080 --> 1:20:21.479 You ain't heard about it, then we're about to let 1:20:21.560 --> 1:20:25.760 you know. It's all