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Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, Sophia Bush here. Welcome to Work in Progress,

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Speaker 1: where I talked to people who inspire me about how

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Speaker 1: they got to where they are and where they think

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Speaker 1: they're still going. Hello, Whip Smarties. I had so much

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Speaker 1: fun talking with today's guest, Megan Rinks. Megan is an actress,

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Speaker 1: a blogger, a YouTube star, and now an author. She

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Speaker 1: has a new book out called You're Not Special and

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Speaker 1: I cannot wait for my copy to arrive in the mail.

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Speaker 1: In the book, she gives some great advice. She shares

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Speaker 1: her story in hopes of reminding people that they are

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Speaker 1: not alone on the bumpy road to adulthood, and there

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Speaker 1: are more than a few laughs packed in in this conversation.

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Speaker 1: We are going to talk about everything from our mutual

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Speaker 1: love of Brooke Davis and all things One Tree Hill,

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Speaker 1: to how Megan started on YouTube, how she's staying sane

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Speaker 1: in Quarantine, and oh so much more. Enjoy Megan. I'm

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Speaker 1: so excited to have you on the podcast today. I

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Speaker 1: I feel such a kinship to you when I when

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Speaker 1: I was reading um about your book coming out, and

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Speaker 1: I read this phrase. Now that she's mostly through her

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Speaker 1: awkward stage making through to say it gets better, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god. Same. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if I'm ever going to be all the way through it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but I'm embracing it now. I'm just like, now I'm

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Speaker 1: owning it. Instead of like being afraid of being awkward.

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Speaker 1: Now I'm like, you know what, you're quirky, like it

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Speaker 1: works for some people, as opposed to trying to pretend

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Speaker 1: that I'm not. I'm like, it's fine, you can be awkward, like,

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Speaker 1: it's okay. Now it's just like a defining part of

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Speaker 1: my personality as opposed to something I'm like, oh, I'll

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Speaker 1: grow out of it. It was like, oh, it turns

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Speaker 1: out you don't grow out of it. Yeah, it turns

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Speaker 1: out I don't think I'm ever going to. And I

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Speaker 1: realized that when my friend and find something I'm doing

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Speaker 1: to be hilarious, it's usually because it's an expression of

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Speaker 1: my awkwardness. So maybe I should lean into it and

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Speaker 1: use it as comedic gold exactly exactly. I have to

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Speaker 1: tell you that. Um, and this is like such a

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Speaker 1: nerd thing. And I asked my publicist beforehand, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, can I say this store? And she was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: for sure. I was so obsessed with one Tree Hill,

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Speaker 1: like so obsessed and like Brooke Davis was my icon

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Speaker 1: and my queen as like every young feminist. But you

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Speaker 1: had a blue convertible bug in the show. And so

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Speaker 1: the first car I had in l A was a

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Speaker 1: blue convertible bug and I named it Brooke Davis. Oh

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Speaker 1: my god, I'm obsessed, and it's like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: can I tell her this? Like this, this so embarrassing,

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Speaker 1: Like no, I love that. I just like I. I

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Speaker 1: just had to tell you because I loved I loved

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Speaker 1: that show, but like I loved you like every like

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Speaker 1: it was like literally the absolute best. And I worked

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Speaker 1: with Joe de Vola a ton when I first moved

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Speaker 1: to l A and like one of them, and literally

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Speaker 1: I was telling my boyfriend this. I was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to tell her that. He was like, wow, I

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Speaker 1: haven't heard that name in so long, but he was.

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Speaker 1: He gave me a copy of I forget what season

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Speaker 1: of it, but he knew I was watching it, and

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Speaker 1: he was like, you remind me so much of Sophia.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, Joe, do you understand what kind

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Speaker 1: of compliment that is? Like do you know how much

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Speaker 1: like major that was for me? So I just have

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Speaker 1: to say that, like I have been a fan forever,

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Speaker 1: and like I love when character people who play characters

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Speaker 1: that like I love on TV end up being like

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Speaker 1: really great people and like are also like activists and

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Speaker 1: like feminists and that stuff. So you like I feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm like, okay, I'm so glad, like that's who

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Speaker 1: I chose to relate to and really like. So I

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Speaker 1: just want to say thank you because it was so

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Speaker 1: especially like at that time, I think of a lot

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Speaker 1: of TV shows and stuff, there was not a lot

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Speaker 1: of great like female characters, and like even in like

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Speaker 1: every show, there's like questionable things that like you know

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Speaker 1: as an actor that you're like, I hate this, like

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Speaker 1: and even though this is a character and it's not

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Speaker 1: always me, like I hate the fact that like this

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Speaker 1: is either supposed to be like a part of the

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Speaker 1: joke or it's supposed to be funny, and like you's

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Speaker 1: like it's not. It's like uncomfortable growth. And so it

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Speaker 1: was just nice through like all of that to like

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Speaker 1: have a character that I felt like I could count

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Speaker 1: on that I really like that. I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: this can keep me sane through all of it. So

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Speaker 1: I just yeah, I just had to tell you that

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Speaker 1: I'm a little bit of a fangirl. I love that, honestly.

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Speaker 1: I love that so much. I I feel that it's funny.

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Speaker 1: I was at this like big sort of meet up.

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Speaker 1: Um we did this big charity like convention thing, a

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Speaker 1: bunch of us together in Wilmington's like a year ago,

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Speaker 1: and these sweet girls were shocking and one of them

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm Brooke Davis is number one fan. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, gotta be honest, babe, I am like,

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Speaker 1: you all can fight for like spot number two. But

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Speaker 1: I I loved her. I loved playing her, even when

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Speaker 1: it was to your point, like complicated when I would

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Speaker 1: read something and go I would never do that. To

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Speaker 1: figure out why she would and why she did and

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Speaker 1: and and to really fight for her right to grow.

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Speaker 1: You know. I fought with my writers a lot. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and and I like I felt like I was defending

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Speaker 1: a friend. You know. She was really so meaningful to

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Speaker 1: me as well. So I don't know, I really I

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Speaker 1: just love It's no, it's it's such a it's such

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Speaker 1: a good character. And there's so few of those that

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Speaker 1: I had that were like shows that I watched at

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Speaker 1: like an age where you fall in love with TV

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Speaker 1: and characters like in a different way when you're a teenager,

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Speaker 1: because like you feel so seen and I'm an only child,

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Speaker 1: so I didn't have like, oh yeah, so I didn't

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Speaker 1: have like a sibling to relate to. So like when

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Speaker 1: I would like either read books or like watch movies

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Speaker 1: like that or TV shows, like I would get so

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Speaker 1: engulfed in that, and so it was so nice to

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Speaker 1: have something that like at that age that is like

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Speaker 1: I don't even want to see necessarily a role model,

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Speaker 1: but like a peer because like obviously, like no character

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Speaker 1: is perfect, and like I've been on that side to

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Speaker 1: where you're like fighting for something. You're like she would

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Speaker 1: never do this, Like nobody in their right mind would

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Speaker 1: ever do this, Like I can't do this. This is crazy.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that. Yeah, like there's no

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Speaker 1: way in hell. I once had to fight so like

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Speaker 1: tooth and nail so hard to like a room of

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Speaker 1: male writers about why I couldn't do like a sexy

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Speaker 1: stripped He's taking leggings off, and I was like, taking

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Speaker 1: leggings off is the least sexy thing in the world.

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Speaker 1: They're gonna get stuck on my feet. Are you gonna

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Speaker 1: cut or am I gonna like rip them off my feet?

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Speaker 1: Like this is not it's not cute. It's like you're

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Speaker 1: asking me to like squeeze into like the tightest piece

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Speaker 1: of clothing ever and like make it sexy. And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: it's not gonna be sexy. I'm gonna be jumping and

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Speaker 1: hopping and like are you kidding me? This is insane?

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Speaker 1: And so I yeah, I think it's It's just it

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Speaker 1: was just so nice to have, you know, one that

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Speaker 1: you could like count like yeah, count on. That felt

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Speaker 1: a lot better than you know, some of the ones

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Speaker 1: that just when when shows that like also like jumped

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Speaker 1: the ship where you're like, oh god, oh no, this

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Speaker 1: is this is too bad. I could I could always

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Speaker 1: count on Brooke Davis and then had it further along

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Speaker 1: in my car too, which I was so sad when

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Speaker 1: I got rid of that car and I was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, my Brooke Davis car is gone. That's

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Speaker 1: so fun. Honestly, I wonder, I'm like, I wonder how

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Speaker 1: many volkswagens like people decided they wanted because of that

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Speaker 1: sweet vibe. It was. It was like such a good vibe,

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Speaker 1: like I lived for it, and I knew I wanted one,

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Speaker 1: and minute I saw the blue color and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I have a guy have to This is me like

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Speaker 1: fully achieving Breck Davis status, which is all I've ever wanted.

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Speaker 1: While we're both awkward only children, So I see why

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Speaker 1: Joe de Viola thinks that we're similar, and I that

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Speaker 1: makes total sense. He was like, both of you are

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Speaker 1: just like loud feminist too, and I was like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: for sure, relate, relate absolutely. I'm like, do you think

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Speaker 1: I'm loud? This is a normal This isn't a normal

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Speaker 1: voice I'm speaking in. This is what we're supposed to do.

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Speaker 1: No story of my life. Oh my gosh. It's actually

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Speaker 1: been so cool. I've been getting a lot of notes

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Speaker 1: on socials about from fans who are starting the show

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Speaker 1: over again because what else are we doing in quarantine?

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Speaker 1: And I actually because dead to me, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: have you seen show on Fix on my list? We

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Speaker 1: haven't heard it yet? Okay, honestly perfect because it was

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite things to happen in television last year,

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Speaker 1: and season two just came out and I was like, no,

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Speaker 1: I obviously have to rewatch season one, so that I'm

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Speaker 1: essentially in a full binge, like up until the moment

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Speaker 1: where season two comes out and I get it. You

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Speaker 1: realize that when when you really love a character or

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Speaker 1: you love a show, like you can watch it over

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Speaker 1: and over again and and it just feels good. And

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Speaker 1: so it's been sweet as I've been rewatching one of

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Speaker 1: my favorite shows to to hear from people who are like,

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Speaker 1: I'm totally rewatching Brooks Journey, and I'm like, oh, fun,

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Speaker 1: it's really cute. I love that I should rewatch it.

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Speaker 1: I have so much to watch. I'm so bad at like, no,

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Speaker 1: I'll start with new things. The thing is like, if

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Speaker 1: we had three seasons, it would be one thing, but

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Speaker 1: we had nine. It's too much. It's a hundred and

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Speaker 1: eighty seven hours of television. Like, well, yeah, I can't.

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Speaker 1: If you have things you need to watch, you don't

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Speaker 1: want to do that first, you know. It's what I

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Speaker 1: watched when I was dropping out of college, when I

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Speaker 1: and I had no friends with one trio Like that

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Speaker 1: was like I was like, yeah, look at this big

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Speaker 1: group of friends. Can't relate I am in their group

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Speaker 1: of friends now, like those are obviously one step away

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Speaker 1: from being my friends exactly. So what what are you doing?

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Speaker 1: I mean, you know, we were talking before we started

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Speaker 1: recording about what it's like for both of us to

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Speaker 1: be working from home and figuring out how to make

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Speaker 1: you know the content that we make. But what's keeping

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Speaker 1: you busy during quarantine? How are you staying? Saying? Well,

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Speaker 1: a d h D is keeping me busy because I

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Speaker 1: constantly start a bunch of new things and then don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily finish. But I did discover that I have a

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Speaker 1: love of puzzles, like through all of this, which I

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Speaker 1: think everybody's discovering, but I have never done a puzzle

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Speaker 1: in my life, and I have I like had this

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Speaker 1: epiphany which turns out not to be an epiphany because

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Speaker 1: I googled it and it's like a whole thing and

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Speaker 1: get kind a whole study that people with a d

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Speaker 1: h D are great at puzzles, Like I thought, I

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Speaker 1: unlocked my superpower and I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I've never been like this innately good at something that

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Speaker 1: has to use my brain because my brain works so

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Speaker 1: much faster than my like then my mouth, and my

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Speaker 1: mouth works fast already. So that has been so fun

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Speaker 1: for me. And I ordered a bunch of Now my

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Speaker 1: friends and I are like shipping the puzzles we finished

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Speaker 1: to each other, so like we can all start them

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Speaker 1: all over again. But that's it's so fun. I absolutely

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Speaker 1: love that. I also, weirdly enough, so I talked about

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Speaker 1: it in my book a lot. How like I started

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Speaker 1: on YouTube when I was sixteen, and I vlogged for

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Speaker 1: a really long time and was like doing like whether

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Speaker 1: it was like daily vlogs, weekly vlogs, And in my book,

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Speaker 1: I kind of go through the point where I realized

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Speaker 1: that I was like, these aren't like great for my

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Speaker 1: mental health at all. Like there was definitely like they

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Speaker 1: served me well for a certain point when like I

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Speaker 1: didn't have friends and all that stuff, but I was

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Speaker 1: like I was just putting on a show, like I

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Speaker 1: wasn't actually like dealing with my stuff. I was like,

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Speaker 1: let me ignore my stuff and like make content for

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Speaker 1: other people. But weirdly enough, as my book came out,

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Speaker 1: I was like I kind of want to vlog again,

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Speaker 1: like which I was like, this is so weird. I

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Speaker 1: never thought I would get to that point again. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, that's like a thanks to their

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Speaker 1: a peace sort of thing. But I've been finding myself

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Speaker 1: weirdly enough, Yeah, going back to things that for like

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Speaker 1: that my therapist term is like, oh it no longer

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Speaker 1: serves you when you finished with something and like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: this thing no longer serves its purpose for you. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, now I feel like I'm going back

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Speaker 1: to like those things that didn't necessarily serve a purpose

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Speaker 1: for a little while, and now I'm like, oh, they're

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Speaker 1: serving like a different purpose for me, which is like

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Speaker 1: fun and different because I think it also it's it's

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Speaker 1: hard that productivity thing in Quarantine is so hard because

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Speaker 1: it feels like everybody is everybody is like redoing their

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Speaker 1: patio and like all of these things that it feels

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Speaker 1: like and they're doing it like beautifully, like aesthetically, like

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Speaker 1: they've got like full gland makeup on and like, oh,

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Speaker 1: we're doing it all ourselves, and it feels very much.

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Speaker 1: I like, I like will blink in its four o'clock,

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Speaker 1: Like what do you mean that you're getting this done?

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Speaker 1: It's always four o'clock. Every time I look at the clock,

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Speaker 1: it's four o'clock. And I was like, oh, ship, what

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Speaker 1: did I do all day? Now I have the exact

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Speaker 1: same experience and I've been trying to get up earlier,

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Speaker 1: so like all of this week, I've been getting up

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Speaker 1: at seven, and my plan every day is like get

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Speaker 1: up at seven, make a coffee, feed the dog, exercise,

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Speaker 1: like get your endorphins going. I'm doing none of this,

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Speaker 1: Like none of it. I get up at seven and

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Speaker 1: then I blink and it's eight, and I'm like, but wait,

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Speaker 1: where did that hour go? And I have to be

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Speaker 1: on a call at eight thirty and I'm just so

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Speaker 1: I'm confused at where the time is going. Quarantine for

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Speaker 1: me feels like a very weird just time warp and

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Speaker 1: some things are working, but so many things just aren't.

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Speaker 1: And I I had that insane sort of aspirational thing

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Speaker 1: that you know, maybe is also a sign of like

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Speaker 1: a little bit of a hyperactivity things slash like the

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Speaker 1: over the only child overachiever syndrome, where I was like, obviously,

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Speaker 1: this is what I'm going to learn to play the piano.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to get my French back, I'm gonna I

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Speaker 1: haven't touched the piano, not once, I haven't opened a

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Speaker 1: language app not I don't know what I'm doing. But

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Speaker 1: I feel busy and exhausted and maybe part of that

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Speaker 1: just comes from, you know, an empathetic experience of global stress.

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Speaker 1: But this is this is crazy, It's it's so it's

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Speaker 1: so wild. It feels like for me, it feels like

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Speaker 1: the days are so short yet so long, and we've

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Speaker 1: been here for so long, but it's only been a week.

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Speaker 1: Like it feels like it's like this time, it's like

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Speaker 1: this time warp. Like I'm yeah, I'm like, what is happening?

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Speaker 1: Like the only thing that I know for sure that

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Speaker 1: I do every day is scroll through TikTok. That is

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Speaker 1: the only thing that I am like confident that I'm

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Speaker 1: like did that today, And it's never on my to

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Speaker 1: do list. It's never my intention or my goal, Like yes,

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Speaker 1: waste an hour and a half on TikTok, but it's

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Speaker 1: the only thing I consistently do. The only thing I

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Speaker 1: was like, okay for sure, So we I'm so interested

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Speaker 1: thinking about the world. To your point of TikTok, social media,

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Speaker 1: you know YouTube. You said that you made your first

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Speaker 1: videos at sixteen, But but where do you think that

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Speaker 1: came from? Like, you know, we we we have in

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Speaker 1: common that we're both only children, and I know that

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Speaker 1: you grew up in a really small town, like less

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Speaker 1: than eight thousand people. Right where where was that? And

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Speaker 1: had as an only child in a small town begin

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Speaker 1: kind of finding her voice, Like what what was childhood

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Speaker 1: for you? Um My? I was like a very dramatic child,

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Speaker 1: um and my my parents used to say that they

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Speaker 1: caught me practicing crying in front of the mirror when

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Speaker 1: I was like two, and they were like, oh God,

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Speaker 1: she either needs to be an actor or she as

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Speaker 1: some other issues that she's dealing with. And so I

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Speaker 1: always I grew up like acting and doing plays. But

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Speaker 1: I think the thing that was so weird for me

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Speaker 1: that I didn't understand until I got older and I

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Speaker 1: understood what anxiety was where I was like, I'm a leo.

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Speaker 1: I'm so outgoing, like i love to be the center

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Speaker 1: of attention, but I'm also petrified all the time, like

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Speaker 1: of that. And so I got the same like, oh

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Speaker 1: literally my entire life of being like I'm a big

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Speaker 1: performer and I want everyone to look at me, but

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Speaker 1: also please don't look at me because I'm terrified and

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Speaker 1: I want to hide in a corner. So I always

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Speaker 1: like grappled with this. Am I an introvert? No? I'm not,

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Speaker 1: because I don't recharge alone. I recharge with people. But

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Speaker 1: it's only like a select group of people in my

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Speaker 1: ideal scenario. That's like not stressful. It's not Coachella, Like

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Speaker 1: I don't leave Coachella being like I am energized. I'm

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Speaker 1: like that's like my like anxiety cess pool. Like I

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Speaker 1: hate that. That is not fun. So I yeah, I

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Speaker 1: grew up like doing like just like very much like performer.

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Speaker 1: I loved like putting on shows and doing all of

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Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. And I actually started my YouTube

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Speaker 1: channel because the summer before my senior of high school,

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Speaker 1: my very small town. I grew up in a town

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Speaker 1: called Fairfax, and we're in county in northern California, and

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Speaker 1: Marine is like like high achiever Central. Like my entire

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Speaker 1: high school was like either they like took a gap

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Speaker 1: year and like went to India to find themselves, or

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Speaker 1: they went to Stanford. Like there was literally no in between.

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Speaker 1: I was like, so like what if I'm like neither

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Speaker 1: of those, Like I don't want to travel right now

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Speaker 1: because like that sounds stressful and expensive, but like I

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Speaker 1: also am not smart enough to go to Stanford. So

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Speaker 1: all of my friends did like pre college programs to

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Speaker 1: like in like like Northwestern did journalism, did all of

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Speaker 1: that stuff, and I had Mono, so I couldn't do anything.

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Speaker 1: And I also didn't have great grades, so it's not

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Speaker 1: like I could get into into any of those things.

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Speaker 1: So I ended up making a YouTube channel for like

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Speaker 1: the summer. And it was odd because I never grew

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Speaker 1: up doing sports. I danced, but like I was allowed

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Speaker 1: to quit anything, Like I never had like the no,

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Speaker 1: you have to stay and do this. It was like

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Speaker 1: if you like quit, then if you want. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, well, now I'm like fifteen, and all of

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Speaker 1: my friends have done like extracurriculars and all of this stuff,

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Speaker 1: and I've done everything once I did like Ukrainian easter

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Speaker 1: egg blowing classes, like I have done like all of

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Speaker 1: this like random stuff. But I never persu I didn't

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Speaker 1: have any at least in my opinion, I didn't have

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Speaker 1: me like knack or like I didn't have my thing,

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Speaker 1: Like I didn't have that, and that's such a weird

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Speaker 1: important thing in high school, like you're an athlete, you

359
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Speaker 1: run track or you you're this kind of person. And

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Speaker 1: even though I did theater, I wasn't like one of

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Speaker 1: the theater kids even though I did all the plays,

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Speaker 1: I just didn't fit in with them. So YouTube was,

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Speaker 1: weirdly enough, it became kind of like that was my thing.

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Speaker 1: And I started at such a good point in YouTube.

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Speaker 1: It was before anyone was getting paid, so like there

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Speaker 1: was none of that, oh, You're gonna make all this

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Speaker 1: money off of it, and it was so not saturated.

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Speaker 1: And I also, weirdly enough, sixteen was a late age

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Speaker 1: to start making YouTube videos, so like people were like

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Speaker 1: twelve and eleven like making videos, and there you're relating

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Speaker 1: to other like young young people watching, and then the

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Speaker 1: only other people who are really making videos in the

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Speaker 1: space was people who were like in their twenties, so

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Speaker 1: they kind of like knew better to be like professional

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Speaker 1: and all of that stuff. So you're either I'm acting

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Speaker 1: like a kid or I'm being really professional. And I

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Speaker 1: was at this sweet spot of six team where I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I swear like I make dirty jokes, like I'm just

379
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Speaker 1: unapologetically myself often, So it ended up like, I think

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Speaker 1: doing pretty well because I was I was like a

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Speaker 1: different kind of person on YouTube at the time, because

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Speaker 1: I wasn't really thinking about it as oh, I'm a

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Speaker 1: business professional, but then I also was I wasn't a kid,

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Speaker 1: so I think that there was that kind of divide

385
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Speaker 1: that ended up being a good thing. But I had

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Speaker 1: no idea. It was. I was like, oh, I'm just

387
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Speaker 1: going to do it for a summer, like I'm not

388
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Speaker 1: going to keep doing this, and then I just did. Okay.

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Speaker 1: So I'm so curious because then what if everyone on

390
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Speaker 1: YouTube was twelve or a group of adults doing like

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Speaker 1: whatever professional demonstrations they were doing. Um, And I'm just thinking,

392
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Speaker 1: I'm like, my god, the last YouTube video I watched

393
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,200
Speaker 1: was like how to train your dog to run on

394
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Speaker 1: a treadmill? Literally, this is the thing I'm trying to

395
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Speaker 1: figure out. My poor dog. Well, my poor dog is

396
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,720
Speaker 1: like losing her mind. She's cooped up, like all the

397
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Speaker 1: hikes are closed and she doesn't know what to do

398
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Speaker 1: with herself. But if there was no one else kind

399
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Speaker 1: of in your peer group doing this, how did you

400
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Speaker 1: even know what to do? And and how did you

401
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,600
Speaker 1: find I guess like when did you discover YouTube? And

402
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,280
Speaker 1: when did you then, by watching whatever you were watching,

403
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,879
Speaker 1: think oh I could do this. I have something to

404
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,879
Speaker 1: do here. Yeah. So I had a friend who I

405
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,399
Speaker 1: grew up with who she did beauty videos on YouTube

406
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Speaker 1: for like a short period of time when we were

407
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Speaker 1: in middle school, and she used like a fake name

408
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,080
Speaker 1: and like lied about a bunch of stuff, so like

409
00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:25,280
Speaker 1: it became like drama at our school. But at the

410
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,240
Speaker 1: same time, like it was the era where you would

411
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,399
Speaker 1: never put your last name on the internet because it

412
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,800
Speaker 1: was like, oh no, like people are coming to find you,

413
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Speaker 1: like it is dangerous. So I learned about it exactly,

414
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,600
Speaker 1: and like I learned about it through her. So I

415
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,960
Speaker 1: thought YouTube was just for beauty videos, so I didn't

416
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,040
Speaker 1: know there was anything else. And I didn't wear makeup,

417
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Speaker 1: Like I didn't know how to do it, so but

418
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Speaker 1: I just pretended and I kind of like, I guess

419
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,040
Speaker 1: this is what you do. So like my first earliest

420
00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:51,879
Speaker 1: videos are me clearly like bullshitting my way through and

421
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,840
Speaker 1: like not really faking it that I don't know what

422
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,000
Speaker 1: I'm doing. But it was like I guess I'll just

423
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Speaker 1: like keep trying to do this. But I think like

424
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,960
Speaker 1: through all of it, I did end up finding people

425
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,080
Speaker 1: who were like around my age, it was, and they

426
00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:07,480
Speaker 1: were a lot of them did start a little bit

427
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,439
Speaker 1: younger than I did, and I think that's where you

428
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,480
Speaker 1: get the like more of like the squeaky clean little

429
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,120
Speaker 1: thing because like your fourteen, your parents are gonna yell

430
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,880
Speaker 1: at you if you swear, and like my parents were

431
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,639
Speaker 1: not like that. Like I I was like, I was

432
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,199
Speaker 1: just doing whatever I really wanted to do. So I

433
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,640
Speaker 1: think that's kind of where But I it's so funny.

434
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,000
Speaker 1: I've always I've always had really bad imposter syndrome, and

435
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,480
Speaker 1: I think I've always had it on YouTube. But because

436
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,800
Speaker 1: I wasn't really consuming YouTube videos, I wasn't comparing myself

437
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,600
Speaker 1: to anyone. I was kind of just listening to my

438
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,359
Speaker 1: friends like, oh, this is the kind of stuff that

439
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,879
Speaker 1: people do, this is what you do, and I was

440
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,120
Speaker 1: like okay, and I just started doing it and wasn't

441
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,520
Speaker 1: realizing that if I actually actively compared the videos I

442
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,960
Speaker 1: was doing to what other people were doing, mine were awful.

443
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,239
Speaker 1: They were like not good, Like I clearly had no

444
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,080
Speaker 1: idea like what I was saying, but I just I

445
00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:59,280
Speaker 1: was just so blissfully unaware of all of that stuff.

446
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,800
Speaker 1: And I've I've really got out of my way to

447
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,760
Speaker 1: like kind of always be like that, Like I don't

448
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,679
Speaker 1: like to consume content of people who are doing I

449
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,439
Speaker 1: don't like to consume content of people who are like,

450
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,040
Speaker 1: we're kind of in the same lane, because like, I

451
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,960
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that I'm like an inherently jealous person because

452
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 1: it's not. I was recently, like I tweeted about this,

453
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,639
Speaker 1: being like, am I jealous if? I like, no, I

454
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,520
Speaker 1: don't want I want everyone to have what they have.

455
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,480
Speaker 1: I just want what they have. And they're like, no, no,

456
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,359
Speaker 1: that's not jealousy, You're just envious, and I'm like, naturally

457
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,720
Speaker 1: can kind of be like that. So I really try

458
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,119
Speaker 1: not to like consume stuff of people who are doing

459
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,040
Speaker 1: kind of like in a similar like the like the

460
00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:37,919
Speaker 1: same same vein of what I'm doing, because I can

461
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,800
Speaker 1: just compare so much, and then I like get the

462
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,920
Speaker 1: debilitating perfectionism where I'm like, well, if I'm not doing it,

463
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,679
Speaker 1: if I'm not filming videos with drones and doing it

464
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,600
Speaker 1: like this, and if it doesn't cost ten thousand dollars

465
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,160
Speaker 1: and like why am I doing it? And I was like, well,

466
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,800
Speaker 1: mag and not everything has to be like that. Well.

467
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,800
Speaker 1: I also, I mean, I love that you're willing to

468
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,199
Speaker 1: talk about that and willing to open a conversation about that,

469
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:04,040
Speaker 1: because it's especially I think as women we have decades

470
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:08,600
Speaker 1: of a consumer driven industry that has literally been designed

471
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,720
Speaker 1: and orchestrated to make us feel less than so that

472
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:16,520
Speaker 1: we'll buy more. And women have been taught, you know,

473
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,400
Speaker 1: unlike men who are allowed to just punch each other

474
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 1: on the playground growing up, girls are always supposed to

475
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,840
Speaker 1: be nice, They're always supposed to be sweet, They're always

476
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:29,720
Speaker 1: supposed to kind of stuff their feelings down. So we

477
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 1: don't not that we're supposed to be hitting each other.

478
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 1: That's not what I'm saying. But we don't have these

479
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:39,760
Speaker 1: patterns of self expression for quote unquote ugly emotions which

480
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,680
Speaker 1: envy would theoretically fall into. So we don't know how

481
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,560
Speaker 1: to say, oh my god, like, look at this amazing girl.

482
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,359
Speaker 1: She's beautiful, she's smart, she's funny, she made this video

483
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,159
Speaker 1: that is so incredible, Like I don't know if I

484
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,719
Speaker 1: could do something like that. We don't know that that's normal.

485
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 1: So so because when those emotions come up, we've been

486
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:03,080
Speaker 1: cultured I think they're bad. Then we sort of we

487
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,879
Speaker 1: project that badness onto other people in a weird way. Yeah. No,

488
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,119
Speaker 1: I think there's that difference of like, you don't have

489
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,800
Speaker 1: to hate people who are doing things and have things

490
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,360
Speaker 1: that you wish you had, but you also don't have

491
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,440
Speaker 1: to like consume all of the things that they're doing

492
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,600
Speaker 1: if they don't make you feel great. And that was

493
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,920
Speaker 1: such like a I had that. I had a conversation

494
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,280
Speaker 1: with my therapist about that. I was like, am I

495
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 1: a bad feminist? Because like, there are some people that

496
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,560
Speaker 1: I'm like friends with, but I'm like they make me

497
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,840
Speaker 1: feel bad about myself, but it's nothing that they're doing,

498
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,400
Speaker 1: and like I feel so bad that I'm not supporting them.

499
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,879
Speaker 1: She's like, well, how are you not supporting them? I

500
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,719
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I just like muted them on Instagram,

501
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,240
Speaker 1: and she was like, that's not not supporting them, Like

502
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,080
Speaker 1: that's not like if you're not actively tearing someone down,

503
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 1: talking bad about someone, and like all of that, like

504
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,919
Speaker 1: you're allowed to like protect your own like mental health

505
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,080
Speaker 1: and still like love and support these people who might

506
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:53,000
Speaker 1: not necessarily for where you're currently at in your life

507
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,640
Speaker 1: bring you to make you feel like the best version

508
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 1: of yourself and that has nothing to do with them,

509
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 1: and it's everything to do with you. And I was like, yeah, Okay,

510
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 1: so I'm not a bad feminist. Okay, Like I was

511
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,679
Speaker 1: like that I was terrified of that well, and I

512
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,239
Speaker 1: think if you can own it, and I think if

513
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:09,960
Speaker 1: you can understand how your experience of what you take

514
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:15,680
Speaker 1: in relates to your self care and your mental health, again,

515
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,879
Speaker 1: it shifts the perspective. It's less actually that you're envious

516
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,359
Speaker 1: of what someone else has and more that your personal

517
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,720
Speaker 1: self doubt or whatever it is you're processing in the

518
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,760
Speaker 1: moment is triggered by the observation of what appears to

519
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:33,439
Speaker 1: be someone else's perfection. And one of the things that

520
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,919
Speaker 1: I that I love so much. I was having this

521
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,000
Speaker 1: conversation years ago UM with my friend Glenn and Doyle.

522
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,200
Speaker 1: She's an amazing author and she's kind of like this

523
00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 1: incredible mentor to me. And I was saying, you know,

524
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,960
Speaker 1: we were having a conversation. It was like a fireside

525
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,440
Speaker 1: chat at this big speaking event thing. It was so cool. Honestly,

526
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 1: I'm like, as we're having this conversation, I'm like, you

527
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,160
Speaker 1: have to come. You would love this. I love fireside chat.

528
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,359
Speaker 1: But so we were talking and I said, you know,

529
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,960
Speaker 1: one of the things that I think is so differ

530
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 1: a call is that because we do live in this

531
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,080
Speaker 1: digital world and we are connected, and so many of

532
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 1: us do. I think for good reason, have presence on

533
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 1: social media gets really easy to compare someone's two dimensional

534
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:16,399
Speaker 1: life on screen to your three dimensional experience, which is

535
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,200
Speaker 1: so much more complicated, and things look perfect that aren't

536
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 1: because there are people who think your life looks perfect.

537
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,040
Speaker 1: And then and then you're sitting in your three dimensional

538
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,560
Speaker 1: body going like I'm the only one failing and that's

539
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,800
Speaker 1: universally true for everyone. And she said something that I

540
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:36,119
Speaker 1: was like, and she said, never compare someone else's outsides

541
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:42,000
Speaker 1: to your insides. Yeah, and so if you have to

542
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,120
Speaker 1: mute someone else's outsides to protect your insides, I think

543
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:50,600
Speaker 1: that's an amazing show of like willpower, self preservation and

544
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,760
Speaker 1: self care. One of the biggest things that like was

545
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,280
Speaker 1: the ahab click moment for me is when I realized

546
00:25:57,359 --> 00:26:01,600
Speaker 1: that I compare my own highlight reel to my own

547
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,679
Speaker 1: life like I will compare and like. And that was

548
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 1: when I was like, oh, wow, this is a mean thing.

549
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,359
Speaker 1: This is not anybody else being involved, Like this is

550
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:11,320
Speaker 1: all on me. We're like I would look back at

551
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: old pictures or I would look back at old videos

552
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,960
Speaker 1: and all of that stuff that I had this like deep,

553
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 1: like three hour talk with one of my friends who

554
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 1: has also been on YouTube for a while, and I

555
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,399
Speaker 1: was like, were we happier back then? Or are we

556
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,200
Speaker 1: just good at faking it? And like was this like

557
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,720
Speaker 1: was this like the best version of ourselves? And like

558
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 1: did we or did we feel the exact same way

559
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 1: that we feel now? Like are we comparing ourselves to ourselves?

560
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:38,000
Speaker 1: And like and we we even had a hard time

561
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:40,360
Speaker 1: getting caught up in the sense of it's hard enough

562
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,960
Speaker 1: when you look at other people and like you rationalize

563
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,919
Speaker 1: like is this their real life or they putting on

564
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,760
Speaker 1: a front? And then I was like, wait, I'm having

565
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,439
Speaker 1: a hard time looking at things that I've posted or

566
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 1: talked about like two, three or four years ago, and

567
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,720
Speaker 1: going was I being real? Was I putting on a front?

568
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 1: Like I'm comparing me now to prior me forever? Like

569
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,600
Speaker 1: the cycle that continues to go on. And I think

570
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 1: it happens even whether or not anyone's online or whatever.

571
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,639
Speaker 1: But I found it so much, especially with like body

572
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,239
Speaker 1: positivity or like body neutrality, where you look back at

573
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,000
Speaker 1: a picture of yourself and you're like, oh, I hated

574
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 1: how I looked that night, And then you look and

575
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 1: you're like, why look so good? Like why can't I

576
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,320
Speaker 1: look like that now? And it's like, oh, but I've

577
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,199
Speaker 1: never in that current moment where you're in like however

578
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,000
Speaker 1: you're looking and however you're feeling, you're like at least

579
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,040
Speaker 1: I've always found I'm always thinking about something before and

580
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,000
Speaker 1: then I have to put myself back in that before

581
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,200
Speaker 1: and I go in that moment, I wasn't going, this

582
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:31,919
Speaker 1: is it, this is what I feel the best I

583
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,479
Speaker 1: was thinking of me before again, like it's just this

584
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,520
Speaker 1: endless cycle that I found, like Okay, well now I

585
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 1: just I just don't. I don't slip down that rabbit

586
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:44,080
Speaker 1: hole because it's not helpful for me at all to

587
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,720
Speaker 1: like put And that's also like the I've had I

588
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,760
Speaker 1: love following like body positive people and like body body

589
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:53,199
Speaker 1: neutrality was like the biggest like mind like mind blowing

590
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:54,879
Speaker 1: thing to me up where I was like because I

591
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 1: was like self love is so unattainable for some things

592
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 1: for me. I'm like I have like flat feet and

593
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,880
Speaker 1: I hate them and they're huge, and like I'm not

594
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,760
Speaker 1: gonna love them, like no offense to like massive feed

595
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,679
Speaker 1: like they kind of suck, like I look like I

596
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,159
Speaker 1: come into a room feet first, but I was like,

597
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:11,480
Speaker 1: but why do I if I can't If I can't

598
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 1: love them, which is fine, then I just don't have

599
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: to care and put all of this value on something

600
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:19,080
Speaker 1: that is like so unimportant. But I think the issue

601
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 1: at least I found that the issue with self, My

602
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,880
Speaker 1: issue with self love for certain things is it it

603
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,720
Speaker 1: makes it feel important because the things you love are

604
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: things that are important to you. And I was like, well,

605
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,320
Speaker 1: I can't let some of this stuff be important to

606
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:34,080
Speaker 1: me because like if I if I have to love it,

607
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 1: then it means it's important and I'm not going to

608
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:37,959
Speaker 1: be able to love it, so therefore it can't be

609
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 1: important at all. Right, Well, and and why does everything

610
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 1: have to be important? It's too much. I can't have

611
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,920
Speaker 1: that many pillars. I need to have like small things

612
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 1: or a couple of things that are important to me,

613
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 1: and then everything it goes like a scale from there.

614
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 1: But I can't have everything be all of that at once.

615
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 1: Everything doesn't have to be amazing. There can be a

616
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 1: whole handful of things that are just fine exactly, and

617
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: then that's also fine, like it's fine, like it doesn't

618
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: have to be it's like fantastic, happy, perfect all the time.

619
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 1: When you think about because I think that's such an

620
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,840
Speaker 1: interesting thing. You know, you observing that you can compare

621
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:18,440
Speaker 1: yourself to prior versions of yourself. How how does it

622
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 1: feel now to have all this record of of your

623
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 1: life online in the way that you do, because you

624
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 1: talk about coming into this space in such a unique time,

625
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,920
Speaker 1: like before YouTube had been monetized, before people were even

626
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 1: maybe using their names like that you would never put

627
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,960
Speaker 1: your last name, like did did your family think it

628
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,680
Speaker 1: was crazy that you were putting videos of yourself on YouTube?

629
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:45,040
Speaker 1: Like what? What in the sort of looking back at

630
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 1: the scope do you think now? Think now and like

631
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 1: maybe even remember about how it started and how different

632
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:55,640
Speaker 1: it was. Yeah, I mean I I was lucky that

633
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 1: like my friends were all very supportive of me on

634
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 1: YouTube because again it was like my thing. They all

635
00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:02,880
Speaker 1: had a thing, and I kind of was. I wasn't

636
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:06,240
Speaker 1: like a floater, but I just didn't have that concrete thing.

637
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 1: So I think my friends were really happy for me

638
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:12,280
Speaker 1: with it. I like dive deep into like the parent

639
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,520
Speaker 1: relationship stuff in my book that it was that was

640
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 1: a huge reason why I threw myself like into YouTube.

641
00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,760
Speaker 1: Alat was like not having a super happy home life

642
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:24,320
Speaker 1: and having like YouTube was you again like you get

643
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 1: to create your own highlight reel, and so I was,

644
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:28,800
Speaker 1: so I would do that, like I would make my

645
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,320
Speaker 1: videos and like make certain things not even necessarily appear

646
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: to be better for other people, but like for me

647
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,040
Speaker 1: that I was like, oh, this is like it's like

648
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,640
Speaker 1: a scrap book. You don't put like ship memories in

649
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,560
Speaker 1: a scrap book. You put all of the good stuff.

650
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,160
Speaker 1: And so like there's like a year where something really

651
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 1: bad happens, You're not probably going to include it, so

652
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: because you want to look back on it with like

653
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 1: oh wow, this was so happy, these memories is and

654
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,920
Speaker 1: the stuff that I actually want to remember. So I

655
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:56,200
Speaker 1: really focused on like making my YouTube like that. And

656
00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:01,880
Speaker 1: I think, like I think because I my parents were

657
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 1: like supportive in a certain like to a certain extent,

658
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,520
Speaker 1: like my dad's always been like my number one, biggest cheerleader,

659
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:14,080
Speaker 1: but he's also like Capricorn workaholic. I mean, he know

660
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,360
Speaker 1: my mom's a Capricorn. He's a sat because he has

661
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,520
Speaker 1: sat I forget which one he is, but he's he's

662
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:22,320
Speaker 1: like a workaholic like all of that kind of stuff.

663
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,880
Speaker 1: And so I think I he was like supportive of it,

664
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 1: and my mom was not, but in a sense that

665
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:32,520
Speaker 1: I think that made me work harder at it and

666
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: like it's something to prove, Like when your parents don't

667
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:38,160
Speaker 1: necessarily think, like when they're like, oh, that's so dumb,

668
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,400
Speaker 1: Like that's so stupid, nothing's going to come from it,

669
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 1: it becomes like, oh, I'll show you sort of things.

670
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:47,360
Speaker 1: So it's weird because I think the whole like my

671
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:50,800
Speaker 1: like big like leaps in YouTube because I really threw

672
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:52,480
Speaker 1: myself into it when I had a really bad time

673
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:55,959
Speaker 1: at college, and part of it was people that like

674
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,640
Speaker 1: either didn't like that I was on YouTube or like

675
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,239
Speaker 1: thought that I because I was like making money at

676
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,480
Speaker 1: that time, that I should like be giving them stuff

677
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 1: and like I should give that like that I should

678
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,560
Speaker 1: have brought more to their lives, like because of what

679
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:12,239
Speaker 1: I was doing, a lot of that like success and

680
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 1: like when I was really grinding at it. So much

681
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 1: of it was I don't want to say like vengeful

682
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:20,120
Speaker 1: or like i'll show you kind of a thing, but

683
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 1: it kind of was so so many of my memories

684
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,600
Speaker 1: of like I was so unhappy, but like I had

685
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:29,280
Speaker 1: some like something to really really prove that, like you

686
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,720
Speaker 1: just I just like grind. I hate like being like

687
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 1: ill rise and grind, but like I did, like I

688
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:39,040
Speaker 1: really threw myself into something as a combo of a distraction,

689
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 1: but then also as like proving it to myself and

690
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,840
Speaker 1: other people that like I could do this thing and

691
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:47,360
Speaker 1: this thing wasn't stupid. But I I think I was

692
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 1: always lucky because um I had, like my friends were

693
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 1: always so supportive, like the night, Like my best friend

694
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:56,640
Speaker 1: Sydney is literally like she is she had since we

695
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 1: were in high school. She is referred to herself as

696
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,040
Speaker 1: the Gail to my bro And I was like, no,

697
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,640
Speaker 1: in your own story, you should be Oprah. She goes,

698
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:05,920
Speaker 1: now I want to be Gail, Like I am Gail,

699
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 1: you are my bro. And I was like okay, like

700
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 1: for sure. And so and her parents were like they

701
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:14,760
Speaker 1: were really like who raised me and who like were

702
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:17,240
Speaker 1: like the most like involved like adults in my life

703
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,120
Speaker 1: and role models, and they very much were so supportive

704
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,400
Speaker 1: of it too. So I think that was that was

705
00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 1: like a good part of it. So yeah, it was

706
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:28,040
Speaker 1: just a weird thing to like kind of succeed in

707
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 1: like my like I was always the most successful, whether

708
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:34,440
Speaker 1: it was like YouTube were doing whatever I was doing

709
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 1: when I was like the most happy in my real life,

710
00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: I mean the most unhappy in my real life. So

711
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,040
Speaker 1: it was like this weird thing. So I don't even

712
00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:45,080
Speaker 1: necessarily have like great memories of like when like I

713
00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,040
Speaker 1: was able. I got asked a couple of days ago,

714
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:48,920
Speaker 1: like what was it like when you realize that, like

715
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:50,640
Speaker 1: YouTube could be your job and like that was like

716
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:52,560
Speaker 1: your full income. And I was like, well, I realized

717
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,080
Speaker 1: it when I was like getting bullied in college and

718
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:55,720
Speaker 1: I had to drop out and I needed to figure

719
00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 1: out if I could pay rent. And so it wasn't

720
00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 1: like this like, oh, I've made it, Like it's always

721
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 1: has been. It's always been like this weird combo of choosing, like, Okay,

722
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:07,640
Speaker 1: do I throw myself into all this stuff on the internet?

723
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:09,919
Speaker 1: And if I'm throwing myself into it, usually that means

724
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 1: I'm not feeling so great in my personal life. So

725
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:15,280
Speaker 1: how do I find the balance of like doing both

726
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,880
Speaker 1: and being happy in both? Which is something I'm still

727
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:22,520
Speaker 1: trying to learn and do all about. Yeah, but I

728
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 1: mean that makes total sense to me. What what was

729
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:28,319
Speaker 1: sort of the jump because you started at sixteen and

730
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: then you go to college, like did it feel that

731
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,720
Speaker 1: summer when you began more like a hobby and then

732
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:42,000
Speaker 1: when when did this sort of transition happen? Yeah, So

733
00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 1: I compare it to it being like my like swim

734
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:48,800
Speaker 1: team or my lacrosse when I was in high school,

735
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 1: like it was a hobby, Like it was, this is

736
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 1: just a thing that I do for fun, and even

737
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,800
Speaker 1: through college because like I never planned on doing YouTube forever.

738
00:34:57,920 --> 00:34:59,640
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm moving to l A and I'm

739
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:00,840
Speaker 1: going to be an actor and if I have to

740
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:02,960
Speaker 1: go to college, I go to college in southern California

741
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:04,560
Speaker 1: and then drop out and then moved to l A.

742
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,200
Speaker 1: Like I had this. I also had this delusional idea

743
00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:08,799
Speaker 1: that I was going to get discovered in a mall

744
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,839
Speaker 1: and be on Disney Channel, and I was like that's

745
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,240
Speaker 1: eventually once I started like uploading a lot of videos

746
00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 1: of me swearing online, I was like, yeah, it's not

747
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,279
Speaker 1: gonna happen, Like it's not gonna be Disney Channel, Like

748
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:20,120
Speaker 1: they're gonna like one quick Google search. It's not going

749
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,280
Speaker 1: to happen. But so I think like I never really

750
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:25,919
Speaker 1: treated it. I don't. Yeah, I don't think I've ever

751
00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:30,080
Speaker 1: really treated it like a job because I think I've

752
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,120
Speaker 1: always wanted it to be a hobby that I got

753
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 1: paid for because I think because it is so parallel

754
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 1: to like acting in the industry, like it's not the

755
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:41,319
Speaker 1: same thing, but it is like at this point in time,

756
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:43,640
Speaker 1: it is kind of in the same space. And I

757
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:46,040
Speaker 1: had a hard time being like, oh, this is my job,

758
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:47,920
Speaker 1: this is like what I'm gonna do, because I was like, well,

759
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,320
Speaker 1: I don't want to do this forever. This was something

760
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:53,600
Speaker 1: that I started as a hobby that is really fun

761
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:56,920
Speaker 1: and I like doing, but I can't if this is

762
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,719
Speaker 1: all there is to it, Like I don't I want

763
00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:02,480
Speaker 1: to go teach like theater in like Wisconsin or something

764
00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:04,719
Speaker 1: like I need like I want, I have, I need

765
00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:08,840
Speaker 1: something else to be like fulfilled by it. But I think,

766
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,719
Speaker 1: like it wasn't. I think it probably wasn't until I

767
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,160
Speaker 1: dropped out that I really looked at it like a job,

768
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:18,600
Speaker 1: because when I was in high school, like I think

769
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,680
Speaker 1: the most I ever made was fifty dollars, was like

770
00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:23,920
Speaker 1: my like fifty to a hundred dollars, and then by

771
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:26,920
Speaker 1: the time I was in college, it was a steady

772
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:30,279
Speaker 1: increase in Okay, I could pay for my apartment in

773
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,320
Speaker 1: college and I could do that, and I never really

774
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:35,799
Speaker 1: looked at it like a job, also because I think

775
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:38,680
Speaker 1: I was at that time, I was nineteen, and I

776
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:41,840
Speaker 1: didn't have any friends who were working full time, like

777
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,399
Speaker 1: everybody was either like a student and had a side job.

778
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,759
Speaker 1: And I've never been like a money oriented like I'm not.

779
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,319
Speaker 1: I don't like looking at money like stresses me out.

780
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:52,759
Speaker 1: I don't like it. I don't. It's like I'm it's not.

781
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: I don't like it, and so I think I don't

782
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 1: even I don't think I even realized it was a

783
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,759
Speaker 1: job or I switched it for being a job to

784
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:02,839
Speaker 1: a hobby until I needed it to be a job,

785
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,560
Speaker 1: And because I needed something to get me out of college,

786
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:08,800
Speaker 1: like I needed something that I could leave for because

787
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:12,239
Speaker 1: I knew I had to support myself. I wasn't I

788
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,720
Speaker 1: didn't have any family who was going to pay for anything,

789
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:16,479
Speaker 1: like if I was going to drop out and move out.

790
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,520
Speaker 1: So it was very much that at that point for me,

791
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 1: it had to be a job, because how else do

792
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:27,920
Speaker 1: you cope with being nineteen and not going to college

793
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:29,560
Speaker 1: when every other one of your friends were going to

794
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:32,920
Speaker 1: college and I don't have when you're working at it

795
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,359
Speaker 1: like a job where you interact with people all the time.

796
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:37,640
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, I'm still having a social life. So

797
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,560
Speaker 1: I kind of in my mind had to make it

798
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:42,920
Speaker 1: and I think I probably presented it that way to

799
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:44,440
Speaker 1: a lot of people that I was like, oh, my

800
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,879
Speaker 1: YouTube's like doing so well. I'm like, I don't need

801
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 1: college anymore. I'm dropping out. I'm like, oh, in reality,

802
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,320
Speaker 1: you're like, it's so depressed. You wanted college to work,

803
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,920
Speaker 1: like you really wanted to have this cool experience. But

804
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:56,319
Speaker 1: I think I needed to spin it to make it

805
00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:00,279
Speaker 1: like a good opportunity and like something that was worth

806
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,720
Speaker 1: it to me to do and like pursuing dreams versus

807
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:07,560
Speaker 1: being like admitting defeat, because I think I felt dumb

808
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:11,359
Speaker 1: admitting defeat in something that I it was pretty clear

809
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,799
Speaker 1: I was doing. I was successful at this one part

810
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,000
Speaker 1: of my life and I wasn't the other. And so

811
00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:17,839
Speaker 1: I was like, well, I feel kind of like an

812
00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,480
Speaker 1: asshole if I'm saying I like, I'm not succeeding. But

813
00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not succeeding like emotionally and like interpersonally.

814
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:26,520
Speaker 1: But you've got this career that's going well, and it's like, yeah,

815
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:29,000
Speaker 1: you kind of feel like an asshole to like say

816
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,399
Speaker 1: that you're not doing so hot when other people would

817
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:34,120
Speaker 1: kill to have an opportunity like that. And it's like, well,

818
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 1: there's other stuff going on behind the scenes, right, And

819
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:41,399
Speaker 1: it's so tricky because both both of those things can

820
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 1: fully be true and obviously we're true. What what was

821
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:49,520
Speaker 1: the dynamic at school? Where were you going and and

822
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:54,400
Speaker 1: why why wasn't it working? I went to uct Riverside.

823
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,160
Speaker 1: Have you ever been to Riverside? I have, yes, worst

824
00:38:57,200 --> 00:39:01,160
Speaker 1: place on earth, absolutely, I it is. First of all,

825
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,919
Speaker 1: it's hot. It's too hot all the time. Like as

826
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:07,000
Speaker 1: a town. It was not fun um. It was also

827
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:09,959
Speaker 1: like the meth capital of the world when I went there,

828
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 1: and I was like this like sheltered kid who like

829
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,840
Speaker 1: I can't even watch TV shows or people do drugs.

830
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,919
Speaker 1: So I was like anxious and terrified the whole time

831
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:20,840
Speaker 1: of like every party I walked into being like like

832
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 1: please tell me that's baking soda, Like I hate this

833
00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:28,000
Speaker 1: is so stressful, but yeah, I it was. I never

834
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: wanted to go to college, like it was just I

835
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,160
Speaker 1: was not academic. I was not great academically, like as

836
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:37,200
Speaker 1: a student at all, because I always had a. I

837
00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:39,319
Speaker 1: don't know when, like you discovery of a d h D,

838
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:40,880
Speaker 1: but I always had a d h D. But my

839
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,400
Speaker 1: parents were very anti diagnosing that, and they were just

840
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,759
Speaker 1: very I think a lot of the time too very

841
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:49,440
Speaker 1: ignorant in it. And I what I've learned now as

842
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: an adult is how different it's diagnosed, like as like

843
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:56,839
Speaker 1: little girls and little boys, because little boys like they're

844
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,360
Speaker 1: bouncing off the walls, they can't focus on anything, and

845
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,160
Speaker 1: I was bound thing off the walls. But I loved

846
00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:04,120
Speaker 1: to read, so therefore I couldn't have a d h

847
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:06,120
Speaker 1: D because I could read a book. And now I

848
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:08,440
Speaker 1: have talked like my psycholosts just about it, and she

849
00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:10,719
Speaker 1: was like, well, no, there's a superpower with a d

850
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:12,799
Speaker 1: h D where you can hyper focus on things that

851
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: you love and you can't stop doing them. I was like, oh,

852
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:17,799
Speaker 1: so me doing a puzzle until four? I am that

853
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:20,960
Speaker 1: makes sense, But like if you're not interested in something,

854
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 1: it's not even like I could choose to not pay attention.

855
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:27,920
Speaker 1: It was like I can't, like my brain cannot compute,

856
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,319
Speaker 1: Like it's just like the Charlie Brown voice, and I'm like,

857
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:33,479
Speaker 1: I don't know what you're saying. So I wasn't good

858
00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:36,640
Speaker 1: at school, so I never had again the desire to

859
00:40:36,719 --> 00:40:40,160
Speaker 1: really go to school because it wasn't fun like when

860
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:42,799
Speaker 1: you're not doing great in school and especially when you

861
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 1: have to talk in front of people and all of

862
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:46,959
Speaker 1: that stuff, like it just it was like a ball

863
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,319
Speaker 1: of anxiety and not be feeling like so unconfident in it.

864
00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:56,279
Speaker 1: But I went to UC Riverside and my like my

865
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:58,640
Speaker 1: parents were very much like just focus on like making

866
00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:02,280
Speaker 1: friends and like the social exp arians. I joined his sorority,

867
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:06,239
Speaker 1: and little did I know, it was just it ended

868
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:09,680
Speaker 1: up being kind of that downfall for me was like

869
00:41:09,719 --> 00:41:14,879
Speaker 1: the friendships that I kind of had there, and what

870
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:17,239
Speaker 1: it really ended up turning to be was like the

871
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,080
Speaker 1: girls that I was like roommates with and friends with

872
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,600
Speaker 1: knew who I was on YouTube before and didn't tell me,

873
00:41:23,719 --> 00:41:26,120
Speaker 1: and like they kind of talked with each other that

874
00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:28,120
Speaker 1: they were like, Oh, we're going to get her to

875
00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:30,239
Speaker 1: pay like all of this money and rent, so she'll

876
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:32,359
Speaker 1: essentially be paying for us all to live here, and

877
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 1: like will like it was just very much they and

878
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: I think that was the thing that I found like

879
00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:41,680
Speaker 1: the weirdest once I got older, because even still now

880
00:41:41,719 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 1: I don't even know why they hated me so much,

881
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:45,840
Speaker 1: Like it was girls who were like my best friends

882
00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:49,440
Speaker 1: freshman year, and then sophomore year, it was like they

883
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 1: fucking hated me. And I was like, what it even

884
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:55,560
Speaker 1: now at I'm like, I don't really know why, Like

885
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 1: I still don't really know what happened. And I think

886
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,480
Speaker 1: it was I don't want to like and I and

887
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,000
Speaker 1: I talked about in the book and like the chapter

888
00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:06,280
Speaker 1: about like like I think it's like trying to remember

889
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:08,480
Speaker 1: what the chapters called, but something about college and bullying

890
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 1: and stuff. It was such like an embarrassing thing to

891
00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:15,360
Speaker 1: be like, I'm getting bullied at nineteen years old. I

892
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 1: was like, even the word bully, it feels like like

893
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,840
Speaker 1: little kiddish. And I was like, and I went to

894
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:23,880
Speaker 1: such like a positive high school that was like, oh,

895
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:25,799
Speaker 1: like if you came out in high school, you were

896
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 1: automatically prompting or queen like. It was so liberal and

897
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,399
Speaker 1: granola and everybody loved each other and it was so

898
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:35,960
Speaker 1: like cheesy in that typical like twenty one Jump Street

899
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 1: style like way. And then the college was so different

900
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:43,720
Speaker 1: that I felt I felt so embarrassed, like it's so

901
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,440
Speaker 1: and I and I'm glad that I like eventually ended

902
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 1: up like talking about it while I was going through it,

903
00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:50,400
Speaker 1: because it happened to one of my best friends a

904
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:52,719
Speaker 1: couple of years later who was younger than me. And

905
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:54,840
Speaker 1: then I was getting all this influx of people that

906
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,920
Speaker 1: it still happens, Like we think that you get bullied

907
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:00,080
Speaker 1: as a kid and then it goes away. And I

908
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:02,359
Speaker 1: was like, you know who's better at bullying? Girls who

909
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:06,160
Speaker 1: are like in their ninety Those girls have perfected bullying.

910
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:09,520
Speaker 1: Like they're so good at ripping you apart and making

911
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:13,640
Speaker 1: you feel like absolute trash. It was, Oh, it was awful.

912
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:18,799
Speaker 1: I hated it, I mean honestly, and I you know,

913
00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:21,879
Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to depress anybody, but I'm

914
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:23,800
Speaker 1: listening to you talk about it, and I'm like, girl,

915
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:25,759
Speaker 1: I went through it in college, I went through it

916
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:29,880
Speaker 1: in my like mid to late twenties. I've I've been

917
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:33,000
Speaker 1: through cycles of this also, And I think I think

918
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,160
Speaker 1: that's something that makes it really hard for us as

919
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:38,360
Speaker 1: women to figure out and understand how this could be

920
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:41,080
Speaker 1: happening is that women have never been taught to own

921
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 1: their success and to understand that success is kind of

922
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:49,480
Speaker 1: a competitive contact sport, and so there is a real

923
00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:52,719
Speaker 1: strange dynamic where because we don't own it, we don't

924
00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:55,719
Speaker 1: understand that it can make us a target. And I

925
00:43:55,760 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 1: could not fathom that that the connection, the direct connection

926
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,719
Speaker 1: in timeline between when one of my best friends in

927
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 1: college turned on me and the fact that I had

928
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:12,040
Speaker 1: started booking really steady work. I couldn't see it, And

929
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:16,239
Speaker 1: in hindsight it was like, oh, that's so obvious. It's

930
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:20,839
Speaker 1: I actually feel stupid for not being willing to just say, hey,

931
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:23,480
Speaker 1: what's going on with the dynamic here? But I also

932
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:30,720
Speaker 1: could never, never, at twenty, have been comfortable enough to say, hey,

933
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:33,440
Speaker 1: is what's happening in my work life making you jealous?

934
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:36,400
Speaker 1: I never would have said a friend could be jealous.

935
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:39,719
Speaker 1: And it's taken me until my mid thirties to be

936
00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:42,640
Speaker 1: able to identify that thing. Like you know, when two

937
00:44:42,719 --> 00:44:44,879
Speaker 1: dogs at the dog park like start sniffing each other

938
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:47,200
Speaker 1: and their little hair goes up like right on their neck.

939
00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:50,480
Speaker 1: Like now I can see when the hairs go up

940
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:53,560
Speaker 1: like that on a on a woman who is like

941
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,960
Speaker 1: maybe in my social circle or whatever. And I'm just like,

942
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:59,320
Speaker 1: you either deal with your ship or don't. But I

943
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:01,360
Speaker 1: I don't. Well, I'm that kind of energy into my

944
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:06,320
Speaker 1: life anymore. I don't welcome competitive energy into my space anymore.

945
00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:08,879
Speaker 1: I'm just not here for it. I have like too

946
00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:11,239
Speaker 1: many incredible women in my life and in my work

947
00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: life who are just ride or die, supportive all in.

948
00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:20,120
Speaker 1: And so when I see that that thing, I understand

949
00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:22,759
Speaker 1: that it's culture. I understand that that's a thing that's

950
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 1: been done to so many of us. I don't hold

951
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:29,279
Speaker 1: it against those people, but I also don't tolerate those

952
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:32,080
Speaker 1: people in my space because they're not the only people

953
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,239
Speaker 1: that exist. And that was so hard for me to

954
00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:37,399
Speaker 1: recognize because the same way, like I have friends who

955
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:40,120
Speaker 1: are like my best friend Sydney is like has always

956
00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:43,160
Speaker 1: been the most supportive person in the world, like to

957
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:46,480
Speaker 1: the extent like it's like it's uncanny how supportive that

958
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,839
Speaker 1: that she is. And so I has such a hard

959
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:51,520
Speaker 1: time rationalizing that. I was like, oh, not everybody is

960
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:54,600
Speaker 1: a Sydney, Okay, there are other people here, and like,

961
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:58,280
Speaker 1: I can't if I've found these good people. And because

962
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:00,759
Speaker 1: like she lives in San Francisco, Go and all of that,

963
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:03,360
Speaker 1: I always wanted to find my like my my l

964
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:05,000
Speaker 1: a version of her and finally I was like, but

965
00:46:05,080 --> 00:46:07,160
Speaker 1: she's enough. That's all I need, Like, I don't need

966
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:10,160
Speaker 1: to recreate these friendships because it sucks to say that

967
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,719
Speaker 1: those friendships are like it's it's like a double edged

968
00:46:12,719 --> 00:46:15,120
Speaker 1: sword that these friendships are so special. You wish that

969
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:17,920
Speaker 1: everybody was that supportive and great, but they're not, and

970
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:20,200
Speaker 1: so trying to seek and find that out. I'm like,

971
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:22,360
Speaker 1: I already have that. But I literally love what you

972
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:25,959
Speaker 1: said about success being a competitive, competitive combat sport because

973
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:28,959
Speaker 1: it is. It a hundred percent is And it's so

974
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:32,240
Speaker 1: weird because you feel even as women, we feel guilty.

975
00:46:32,680 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 1: Not that we should at all, but there's like this

976
00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:38,280
Speaker 1: inherent sense of feeling you're you're happy when you're successful,

977
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:39,880
Speaker 1: or at least for me, it's always been I'm happy.

978
00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:41,719
Speaker 1: But I'm also a little like, ah, like I don't

979
00:46:41,719 --> 00:46:43,560
Speaker 1: want to I don't want to show this off, Like

980
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 1: I don't I have to feel like I'm watching everything

981
00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:48,399
Speaker 1: I'm doing versus like man or like I'm gonna buy

982
00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:51,600
Speaker 1: like Maserati and like make it be so loud when

983
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:54,440
Speaker 1: I drive it so everybody knows. And women are like, oh,

984
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:56,800
Speaker 1: I don't want anyone to think that I'm like spoiled

985
00:46:56,880 --> 00:46:59,799
Speaker 1: or showing off, and so it's like you're you're so

986
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:04,480
Speaker 1: aware of your success not making other people uncomfortable when like,

987
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:08,279
Speaker 1: why like that shouldn't like I don't feel uncomfortable with

988
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:11,480
Speaker 1: other people's like success, unless I'm like dealing with my

989
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:14,480
Speaker 1: own stuff, in which case it is no animosity or

990
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:17,480
Speaker 1: anger towards anybody else because me being like, your life

991
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:20,040
Speaker 1: looks so perfect on Instagram, and I love that for you,

992
00:47:20,080 --> 00:47:22,319
Speaker 1: and I'm just gonna like mute your story for a

993
00:47:22,320 --> 00:47:24,680
Speaker 1: couple of weeks until I can figure my ship out

994
00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:27,320
Speaker 1: or what I found. I'll reach out to those friends

995
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:30,040
Speaker 1: of mine who like seem like they're doing so well

996
00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:31,400
Speaker 1: and I'm a little envious of, and I'm like, I

997
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:33,120
Speaker 1: should get lunch with them and hang out. And then

998
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:34,680
Speaker 1: we hang out and I'm like, oh, their life is

999
00:47:34,719 --> 00:47:36,919
Speaker 1: not going as well as I thought it was, and

1000
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:40,000
Speaker 1: I was falling into this trap that I know them

1001
00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:44,200
Speaker 1: personally and like it's just not it's not it's not

1002
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,279
Speaker 1: that it's like black and white of being like, oh

1003
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:49,279
Speaker 1: they're this, I'm this, and it's like it's it's we're

1004
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 1: all the same in that sense. How how did you deal?

1005
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:59,719
Speaker 1: Because again, right hindsights, Like we can look back at

1006
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:02,600
Speaker 1: friendships that might have been toxic, you can look back

1007
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,960
Speaker 1: at your college situation and understand it. But at the time,

1008
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:08,880
Speaker 1: I imagine it was really hard. How how did you

1009
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:12,600
Speaker 1: make the decision to get out of that environment, to

1010
00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:17,000
Speaker 1: drop out to change things to focus on your videos?

1011
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:21,239
Speaker 1: Like what was that decision process and and sort of

1012
00:48:21,239 --> 00:48:24,920
Speaker 1: timeline like for you, Yeah, I, oh, gosh, I've putting

1013
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:28,799
Speaker 1: myself back there, I think. I So the thing that

1014
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:31,960
Speaker 1: was so getting bullied in college by my roommates was

1015
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:35,759
Speaker 1: hard enough. The thing that was the hardest, like after that,

1016
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 1: was that nobody cared. Like we had this big sorority

1017
00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:41,799
Speaker 1: of all of these other girls and everybody knew what

1018
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,960
Speaker 1: was going on, and nobody cared. And I had adults

1019
00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:47,240
Speaker 1: that I would like, I like reached out to being

1020
00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:49,719
Speaker 1: like like tail between my legs, being like I don't

1021
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,360
Speaker 1: know if I do anything wrong, Like I don't know

1022
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,399
Speaker 1: what I'm supposed to do. When I had them be like, well,

1023
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:55,920
Speaker 1: this is what happens when you're successful, Like people people

1024
00:48:55,920 --> 00:48:58,239
Speaker 1: are just like you're going to have to prepare for this,

1025
00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:00,759
Speaker 1: and some people aren't going to like you, and you're

1026
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:03,120
Speaker 1: going to have to deal this is like you signed

1027
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:05,479
Speaker 1: up for this, And I was like, what, Like, how

1028
00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:08,080
Speaker 1: is me being successful? Me signing up for like having

1029
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:10,640
Speaker 1: people who pretended to be my friend for a year

1030
00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:13,600
Speaker 1: and then treated me like ship and then yeah, having

1031
00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:17,080
Speaker 1: nobody else care that for me was like my I'm out.

1032
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:19,239
Speaker 1: So like I moved out of the apartment that I

1033
00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 1: was in with those girls who I lived with, and

1034
00:49:22,239 --> 00:49:24,840
Speaker 1: I moved into an apartment complex with another girl I

1035
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:27,400
Speaker 1: went to school with, and that was like good for

1036
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:30,600
Speaker 1: a while, and then she started like and I didn't

1037
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:32,719
Speaker 1: really talk about it, Like I hated talking about it,

1038
00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:36,040
Speaker 1: what really like happened and what went down because it

1039
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:38,160
Speaker 1: was so obvious and it was one of those things

1040
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:40,200
Speaker 1: that you're like, well, maybe like they don't know, and

1041
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:43,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, they fucking know. Everybody knows what happened.

1042
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:46,080
Speaker 1: Like it's not like it wasn't like a sudden ship,

1043
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:47,960
Speaker 1: Like it was three people who hung out every single day,

1044
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:49,680
Speaker 1: and then suddenly two of them were like pointing and

1045
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:51,640
Speaker 1: laughing at the third girl and she was sitting by

1046
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:54,399
Speaker 1: herself and like it doesn't take a like and even

1047
00:49:54,440 --> 00:49:57,000
Speaker 1: now if I saw that happening, I go, yeah, I know,

1048
00:49:57,120 --> 00:49:59,880
Speaker 1: what's if there's two and one, I'm gonna assume the

1049
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 1: two are messing with the one, Like that's it's just

1050
00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:05,000
Speaker 1: how it goes. And so I ended up moving into

1051
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:07,680
Speaker 1: a different apartment and hanging out with these other girls,

1052
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:10,399
Speaker 1: and it it just became so clear that like when

1053
00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:12,120
Speaker 1: I would try and talk about it, they were like, oh,

1054
00:50:12,120 --> 00:50:13,839
Speaker 1: we really don't want to get in the middle, like

1055
00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:16,480
Speaker 1: we're friends with them, and I was like, oh wow,

1056
00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:20,080
Speaker 1: Like it's if I stay here, I have to become

1057
00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:23,600
Speaker 1: okay with the fact that these girls who treated me

1058
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:27,479
Speaker 1: so terribly are friends with everybody else I know here,

1059
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:30,960
Speaker 1: and everybody else I know here is doesn't want like

1060
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:32,840
Speaker 1: doesn't want to take sides, doesn't want to be a

1061
00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:34,879
Speaker 1: part of it. And I was like, when you don't

1062
00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:37,600
Speaker 1: take sides in bullying, then you're just saying you should

1063
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:40,480
Speaker 1: have gone bullied, like because there are no sides in

1064
00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:43,640
Speaker 1: that situation, like there is a victim and there's a perpetrator,

1065
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:46,600
Speaker 1: like if there's nothing that was done, like you're not picking,

1066
00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:49,279
Speaker 1: Like my side is just please be my friend, like

1067
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:52,239
Speaker 1: please hang out with me. I need someone to talk to.

1068
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:56,120
Speaker 1: And I tried to make it work for like I

1069
00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:58,160
Speaker 1: must have been. I think I did so with my

1070
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:02,000
Speaker 1: sophomore year, that happened like the first corridor and then

1071
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:06,000
Speaker 1: by spring corridor, I dropped out and I it's like

1072
00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:09,279
Speaker 1: I like submitted my final and I was just done.

1073
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:12,080
Speaker 1: But my my grades were absolute trash, like I couldn't

1074
00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:15,920
Speaker 1: focus on school, like I was just so miserable, and

1075
00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:21,160
Speaker 1: I threw myself into work because that was it kind

1076
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:24,200
Speaker 1: of felt like I the reason why I got bullied

1077
00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:26,560
Speaker 1: or like whatever reason was for me, felt like, oh,

1078
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:28,319
Speaker 1: it's because of my job, Like it's because of this

1079
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:30,360
Speaker 1: what like the success but I'm having online and what

1080
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:34,160
Speaker 1: I'm doing, and those people online, they're the ones who

1081
00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:36,000
Speaker 1: are nice to me, Like this is like they did

1082
00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:39,320
Speaker 1: nothing to me except like give me this opportunity and

1083
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:41,719
Speaker 1: I got to do all of this stuff and I

1084
00:51:41,760 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 1: would rather throw myself into that community and those people

1085
00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 1: then what I was dealing with at school. And so

1086
00:51:48,239 --> 00:51:50,880
Speaker 1: it just it was a very It was rough though,

1087
00:51:50,960 --> 00:51:54,400
Speaker 1: Like nobody wanted me to drop out, obviously, even my friends,

1088
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:57,000
Speaker 1: like my friends because they were having such different experiences.

1089
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:59,400
Speaker 1: They were like just transferred to another school and I

1090
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:02,160
Speaker 1: was like, but I hate college, like I hate school

1091
00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:04,720
Speaker 1: and like, this isn't fun for me, and the social

1092
00:52:04,760 --> 00:52:06,880
Speaker 1: aspect was the stuff that's supposed to be fun, and like,

1093
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 1: if that's not fun, I can't do it. But it

1094
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:12,719
Speaker 1: took a while for even like my closest friends and

1095
00:52:12,760 --> 00:52:15,719
Speaker 1: everybody to be like, Okay, this was I guess this

1096
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:18,400
Speaker 1: was a good idea because I told everybody that I

1097
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:20,560
Speaker 1: was just taking a leave of absence, and I knew

1098
00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:22,480
Speaker 1: I was never going back, but I was like, if

1099
00:52:22,600 --> 00:52:25,239
Speaker 1: I can prove to everybody else that I don't need it,

1100
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:29,000
Speaker 1: then they won't make me go back there. And there's

1101
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:33,520
Speaker 1: something to that energy. You know. You said that you

1102
00:52:33,600 --> 00:52:36,560
Speaker 1: were trying to focus on the positive, and obviously the

1103
00:52:36,640 --> 00:52:39,400
Speaker 1: social situation and what was happening in college wasn't working,

1104
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:43,400
Speaker 1: but what was happening online was. But I think about that,

1105
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:45,560
Speaker 1: and I'm like, you know, every person who kills it

1106
00:52:45,600 --> 00:52:48,240
Speaker 1: in an industry or who has succeeded in a new

1107
00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:50,839
Speaker 1: endeavor says like, you gotta fake it till you make it.

1108
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:54,400
Speaker 1: And so I hear you figuring out how you were

1109
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:56,440
Speaker 1: just going to fake it till you made it and

1110
00:52:56,440 --> 00:53:00,840
Speaker 1: and make this thing work for you. So you leave school,

1111
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:05,359
Speaker 1: you you go all in and now we're, you know,

1112
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:09,279
Speaker 1: at your empire if you want to call it that

1113
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:11,520
Speaker 1: or your business like whatever feels right, but I'm like

1114
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:13,439
Speaker 1: call it an empire. Own it. I love it if

1115
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:16,440
Speaker 1: you're like we're you know, like we're talking about owning success,

1116
00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:19,600
Speaker 1: like own it and it's you know, two million subscribers

1117
00:53:19,600 --> 00:53:21,319
Speaker 1: and a podcast and a blog now a book, and

1118
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:27,359
Speaker 1: it's like how how how do you think that happened? Like?

1119
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:33,239
Speaker 1: Was was it about content? Was it about regularity? Was

1120
00:53:33,239 --> 00:53:36,560
Speaker 1: it about getting really honest with your viewers? Like how

1121
00:53:36,600 --> 00:53:38,680
Speaker 1: did how did you begin to build it when you

1122
00:53:38,680 --> 00:53:41,359
Speaker 1: went all in on it? Yeah? I think for me,

1123
00:53:41,560 --> 00:53:45,480
Speaker 1: it's always been the honesty. I've never been good at

1124
00:53:45,760 --> 00:53:48,919
Speaker 1: I'm like stubborn to a fault, like if I will,

1125
00:53:49,480 --> 00:53:51,719
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not good at picking my battles, Like

1126
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:54,040
Speaker 1: every battle is my battle and I have to win it.

1127
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:58,360
Speaker 1: I like I can't let anything go, Like I can't

1128
00:53:58,400 --> 00:54:02,200
Speaker 1: at all, Like I just have this, like I'm I

1129
00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:04,960
Speaker 1: will admit I am like a keyboard social justice warrior,

1130
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:06,480
Speaker 1: Like there are things where I'm like, no, I will

1131
00:54:06,480 --> 00:54:08,640
Speaker 1: get in a fight with every single person who tweets

1132
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:10,640
Speaker 1: at me and like says something that I'm like, no,

1133
00:54:10,719 --> 00:54:14,080
Speaker 1: I like I I can't not. So I think I've

1134
00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:17,000
Speaker 1: never been the whole thing with YouTube, which has been

1135
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:19,640
Speaker 1: difficult for a lot of people. It has been difficult

1136
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:23,200
Speaker 1: for me, but I haven't part I haven't like joined

1137
00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:25,680
Speaker 1: in on it is the fact that there are trends,

1138
00:54:25,719 --> 00:54:28,000
Speaker 1: like there are like eras of what is cool, and

1139
00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:31,000
Speaker 1: I can fully admit that I rocked it in the

1140
00:54:31,080 --> 00:54:35,560
Speaker 1: era of like twenty fifteen sixteen, like I was in

1141
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:38,239
Speaker 1: that cool era, and then it changed to these kinds

1142
00:54:38,239 --> 00:54:41,640
Speaker 1: of videos that were super saturated and highly edited and

1143
00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:45,319
Speaker 1: they were very like bubble gum aspirational stuff, and that

1144
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:48,839
Speaker 1: was never my niche. My niche was never being an

1145
00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:51,920
Speaker 1: aspirational person. I was always someone that people are like, oh,

1146
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:53,799
Speaker 1: I see you. You're kind of like a mess like

1147
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:56,520
Speaker 1: I am, and this feels comfortable. And so when it

1148
00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:01,000
Speaker 1: got to this aspirational content, I never I never really

1149
00:55:01,040 --> 00:55:03,720
Speaker 1: went in on that because it felt so like fake

1150
00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:06,040
Speaker 1: and and authentic to me. So I kept doing what

1151
00:55:06,080 --> 00:55:09,000
Speaker 1: I was doing, and after a while that content was gone,

1152
00:55:09,040 --> 00:55:11,480
Speaker 1: and then it moved on to I don't even know

1153
00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:13,360
Speaker 1: what they would call like the next era, but it

1154
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:15,480
Speaker 1: was always this like EBB and flow of things. And

1155
00:55:15,560 --> 00:55:19,560
Speaker 1: I've seen, like as a consumer of watching, people love

1156
00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:22,440
Speaker 1: when the people that they follow are authentic in themselves.

1157
00:55:22,480 --> 00:55:24,920
Speaker 1: But the issue is you can't hit in every single

1158
00:55:24,960 --> 00:55:27,920
Speaker 1: market and every single time that like what they're into

1159
00:55:28,040 --> 00:55:31,000
Speaker 1: is changing, because then you're changing, and therefore you're not

1160
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:34,800
Speaker 1: authentic anymore. And so it's like it becomes really hard

1161
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:38,359
Speaker 1: to have like a long sustaining career because if you

1162
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:41,520
Speaker 1: start to shift your m oh to fit in with

1163
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:44,960
Speaker 1: what's popular, then you're no longer what they who who

1164
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:46,799
Speaker 1: they thought you were, and they feel and like your

1165
00:55:46,840 --> 00:55:50,080
Speaker 1: audience can feel betrayed. So I think the thing that's

1166
00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:54,319
Speaker 1: worked for me and it's definitely like my success is nowhere,

1167
00:55:54,480 --> 00:55:56,719
Speaker 1: like if whether it's like videos or whatever, it is

1168
00:55:56,840 --> 00:55:59,920
Speaker 1: like it's my success to me, and like has changed,

1169
00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:02,840
Speaker 1: like my podcast has like that's a new Endenver and

1170
00:56:02,880 --> 00:56:05,759
Speaker 1: all of this sort of stuff. But I think for me,

1171
00:56:05,840 --> 00:56:10,240
Speaker 1: like it was just being honest and I have always been.

1172
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:13,520
Speaker 1: I would say I'm like a seemingly open book, but

1173
00:56:13,719 --> 00:56:16,919
Speaker 1: I'm so I am like very much an open book

1174
00:56:16,920 --> 00:56:18,279
Speaker 1: about a select of things. I'm like, oh, but if

1175
00:56:18,320 --> 00:56:20,240
Speaker 1: you knew what was going on in here, like you'd

1176
00:56:20,239 --> 00:56:22,279
Speaker 1: be like, oh, you're not opening up at all, Like

1177
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:25,359
Speaker 1: I'm so I'm not like a big I like, we'll

1178
00:56:25,400 --> 00:56:27,680
Speaker 1: talk with my friends about certain stuff, but not everything.

1179
00:56:27,840 --> 00:56:30,600
Speaker 1: And so I've And I think that's also probably a

1180
00:56:30,719 --> 00:56:33,000
Speaker 1: syndrome of only child is m because you're like I'm

1181
00:56:33,120 --> 00:56:35,759
Speaker 1: used to being the only kid and like, who's going

1182
00:56:35,800 --> 00:56:37,960
Speaker 1: to talk to I don't have another like peer to

1183
00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:40,400
Speaker 1: relate to. Yeah, I mean I have that for sure.

1184
00:56:40,560 --> 00:56:44,760
Speaker 1: I process a lot on my own, and I also

1185
00:56:44,840 --> 00:56:48,640
Speaker 1: am such a verbal processor because I can't just think

1186
00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:51,359
Speaker 1: about it. So if I can have a long night

1187
00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:54,160
Speaker 1: with some best friends to talk about things, I'll do.

1188
00:56:55,320 --> 00:56:57,920
Speaker 1: I'll do sort of aha moments and leaps and bounds.

1189
00:56:58,239 --> 00:57:00,719
Speaker 1: But it also takes me a while times to talk

1190
00:57:00,760 --> 00:57:05,200
Speaker 1: about things like I remember sharing, you know, with one

1191
00:57:05,239 --> 00:57:07,479
Speaker 1: of my best friends when I finally like I quit

1192
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:09,920
Speaker 1: this job a couple of years ago. And when I

1193
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:12,680
Speaker 1: finally shared with my best guy friend why I quit

1194
00:57:12,719 --> 00:57:15,080
Speaker 1: my job a year after I did, he like sat

1195
00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:16,960
Speaker 1: on the couch with me and he was sobbing, and

1196
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:19,560
Speaker 1: he was like, I can't believe I didn't know this,

1197
00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:22,480
Speaker 1: Like I'm not I'm not going to say like why

1198
00:57:22,560 --> 00:57:24,480
Speaker 1: didn't you call me? Like obviously this is what you

1199
00:57:24,520 --> 00:57:26,480
Speaker 1: were dealing with, but like, why didn't you call me?

1200
00:57:27,080 --> 00:57:30,200
Speaker 1: And I was like, I just I as an as

1201
00:57:30,240 --> 00:57:32,760
Speaker 1: an only and as like that mix of an introvert

1202
00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:37,280
Speaker 1: and extrovert. I really went inside and I wasn't. I

1203
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:39,520
Speaker 1: didn't know how to talk about this for a while,

1204
00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 1: but now I'm ready and like, now i'll talk. Let's

1205
00:57:42,600 --> 00:57:44,920
Speaker 1: talk about it all the time, you know. But I

1206
00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:48,200
Speaker 1: so I totally get that. I feel such a kinship

1207
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:52,160
Speaker 1: with you. That's exactly how I am, like exactly like

1208
00:57:52,320 --> 00:57:54,520
Speaker 1: I I have to like I always call it like

1209
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:57,320
Speaker 1: mentally preparing or mentally processing, like I have to do

1210
00:57:57,400 --> 00:58:01,120
Speaker 1: all of the filing in my mind first and on

1211
00:58:01,160 --> 00:58:03,600
Speaker 1: my own before I can let anybody else into, like

1212
00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:06,720
Speaker 1: because it's clutter, Like it's all just clutter and mess.

1213
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:09,640
Speaker 1: And sometimes I don't want to immediately deal with the mess.

1214
00:58:09,640 --> 00:58:12,600
Speaker 1: Sometimes I want to take months ignoring the mess and

1215
00:58:12,680 --> 00:58:14,840
Speaker 1: not end up processing it and not dealing with it.

1216
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:16,800
Speaker 1: And then finally I'll do that, but then I can

1217
00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:19,560
Speaker 1: let other people in. But I'm not. I'm the exact

1218
00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:22,600
Speaker 1: same way, like I have to get it. Yeah. Well,

1219
00:58:22,640 --> 00:58:24,600
Speaker 1: and I also think there's a real reality. Look the

1220
00:58:24,640 --> 00:58:27,160
Speaker 1: way our brains are wired, sometimes they don't allow us

1221
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:31,320
Speaker 1: to deal with things. The brain compartmentalizes, lets you focus

1222
00:58:31,360 --> 00:58:34,440
Speaker 1: somewhere else. It's all it's all coping mechanisms on a

1223
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:37,280
Speaker 1: sliding scale. It makes me so curious though, because to

1224
00:58:37,320 --> 00:58:39,640
Speaker 1: your point, there's so many people who feel like you're

1225
00:58:39,720 --> 00:58:43,320
Speaker 1: so open, like you'll you'll really talk about something in

1226
00:58:43,360 --> 00:58:46,200
Speaker 1: such a deep way because you do. How do you

1227
00:58:46,280 --> 00:58:49,240
Speaker 1: kind of toggle between what you talk about with your

1228
00:58:49,400 --> 00:58:53,520
Speaker 1: followers and what you don't like. Do you worry about oversharing,

1229
00:58:53,840 --> 00:58:55,640
Speaker 1: do you feel like you need to be on all

1230
00:58:55,680 --> 00:59:00,960
Speaker 1: the time? What what is your methodology for how you

1231
00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:04,479
Speaker 1: show up in that space? So I am just now

1232
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:07,560
Speaker 1: learning how to do that and figure that out, because

1233
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:12,680
Speaker 1: it's kind of like when you've got a friend who

1234
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:15,800
Speaker 1: should be in therapy and treats their friendships like therapy

1235
00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:18,400
Speaker 1: and it gets a point where you're like, I can't

1236
00:59:18,880 --> 00:59:20,760
Speaker 1: I can't help you in the way that you need.

1237
00:59:20,880 --> 00:59:24,959
Speaker 1: And I think for a long time I was either

1238
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:28,440
Speaker 1: in one of two mindsets. Either I would ignore and

1239
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:31,200
Speaker 1: not process and not deal with it, and like you said,

1240
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:34,360
Speaker 1: like coping mechanism, I would throw myself into videos and

1241
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:37,560
Speaker 1: really put myself on so I didn't have to deal

1242
00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:39,960
Speaker 1: with what I was going through. And then there were

1243
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:44,280
Speaker 1: times that I was dealing with so much and I

1244
00:59:44,320 --> 00:59:46,640
Speaker 1: was so overwhelmed that I was like, I physically can't,

1245
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:49,680
Speaker 1: like I physically can't put it on, and if I do,

1246
00:59:49,720 --> 00:59:51,320
Speaker 1: I know I'm going to do a bad job at it.

1247
00:59:51,440 --> 00:59:53,720
Speaker 1: And if I read all these comments of people saying, like,

1248
00:59:53,760 --> 00:59:56,120
Speaker 1: what's she not talking about? Like is anyone noticing her face?

1249
00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:58,680
Speaker 1: It like this time stamp or anything like all of

1250
00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:01,960
Speaker 1: that stuff that I felt like the only times the

1251
01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:04,240
Speaker 1: times that I've been so honest when I felt like

1252
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:06,040
Speaker 1: it's like when you want to tell someone you love

1253
01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:07,640
Speaker 1: them for the first time and your tear. All you're

1254
01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:09,800
Speaker 1: thinking about is sayking, like don't say it. Don't say

1255
01:00:09,840 --> 01:00:12,160
Speaker 1: it like it's the only word in your head. And

1256
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:14,480
Speaker 1: that's how I felt when I was like really shitty

1257
01:00:14,480 --> 01:00:15,840
Speaker 1: stuff that I was like, I don't know how to

1258
01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:18,560
Speaker 1: turn on a camera and say anything else because my

1259
01:00:18,640 --> 01:00:21,120
Speaker 1: brain as opposed to having all of these tabs open.

1260
01:00:21,360 --> 01:00:24,680
Speaker 1: It's just one thing that I'm so overwhelmed by and

1261
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,200
Speaker 1: I feel like I have to talk about it, and

1262
01:00:27,240 --> 01:00:29,760
Speaker 1: I think for a while, I wouldn't say that I

1263
01:00:29,920 --> 01:00:33,480
Speaker 1: unloaded online like I think I really I was careful

1264
01:00:33,520 --> 01:00:36,120
Speaker 1: about what I said and really specific about what I

1265
01:00:36,160 --> 01:00:39,800
Speaker 1: said because I was always like I was always kind

1266
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:41,920
Speaker 1: of I've always been the share where I like step

1267
01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:44,840
Speaker 1: I'm like to two steps in see how it's being

1268
01:00:44,840 --> 01:00:48,600
Speaker 1: received before I dive in, because I'm like, I can't.

1269
01:00:48,680 --> 01:00:51,280
Speaker 1: I can't be exposed and vulnerable and then not have

1270
01:00:51,440 --> 01:00:54,040
Speaker 1: someone to like be there to catch me, Like I

1271
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:57,720
Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable doing that. So I think that I

1272
01:00:57,720 --> 01:01:01,120
Speaker 1: would always kind of toe that line of like sharing

1273
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:05,480
Speaker 1: to an extent that I felt like I could let

1274
01:01:05,480 --> 01:01:07,919
Speaker 1: that out and I didn't. I wouldn't feel so exposed.

1275
01:01:08,120 --> 01:01:10,120
Speaker 1: And that's what my therapist says, ite like you hate

1276
01:01:10,120 --> 01:01:13,560
Speaker 1: feeling exposed like that is like it's I can't if

1277
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:15,720
Speaker 1: I can't tie it up and like I just can't

1278
01:01:15,720 --> 01:01:18,160
Speaker 1: walk around like that because I'm I'm an EmPATH and

1279
01:01:18,200 --> 01:01:21,439
Speaker 1: I will I will, I will take chatter, I will

1280
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:24,240
Speaker 1: be like fanos snap and I will disintegrate into the

1281
01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:27,440
Speaker 1: world like I will just combust in feelings and I

1282
01:01:27,480 --> 01:01:31,680
Speaker 1: hate it. And so that has been It's it really

1283
01:01:31,760 --> 01:01:34,600
Speaker 1: took me until I mean a lot of therapy to

1284
01:01:34,640 --> 01:01:36,600
Speaker 1: figure all of it out. But really what it took

1285
01:01:36,640 --> 01:01:40,000
Speaker 1: for me was to find that the Internet is a

1286
01:01:40,040 --> 01:01:42,280
Speaker 1: great place, but the Internet is not my friend. Those

1287
01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:45,440
Speaker 1: aren't people like those are lots of little people who

1288
01:01:45,720 --> 01:01:47,919
Speaker 1: they know me, but I don't know them, And it's

1289
01:01:47,960 --> 01:01:51,920
Speaker 1: like it's like being in love with like a celebrity

1290
01:01:51,920 --> 01:01:54,600
Speaker 1: who you've never met before that I don't get anything.

1291
01:01:54,720 --> 01:01:56,680
Speaker 1: I can get some messages out of it, but I

1292
01:01:56,680 --> 01:01:58,840
Speaker 1: don't know enough about you, like I don't know enough

1293
01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:02,520
Speaker 1: about all of these specific people to form this whole relationship.

1294
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:05,560
Speaker 1: Like it's just and no matter how much I share,

1295
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:09,439
Speaker 1: I'm never going to feel that sense of connection when

1296
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:12,960
Speaker 1: I'm just messaging something like I'm responding to a comment,

1297
01:02:13,040 --> 01:02:14,600
Speaker 1: like if I meet you in person and we get

1298
01:02:14,640 --> 01:02:17,200
Speaker 1: to know each other, but it's the difference of friendships

1299
01:02:17,320 --> 01:02:21,960
Speaker 1: versus like pen pals or something that's so detached. And

1300
01:02:22,240 --> 01:02:25,320
Speaker 1: it wasn't until I had these good friends in real

1301
01:02:25,360 --> 01:02:27,480
Speaker 1: life and like a good like relationship and all of

1302
01:02:27,520 --> 01:02:30,680
Speaker 1: that stuff that I finally could like see what it was,

1303
01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,160
Speaker 1: how to how to have that divide and how to

1304
01:02:34,280 --> 01:02:37,280
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, what do I want to share and

1305
01:02:37,360 --> 01:02:39,520
Speaker 1: what can I talk about with my therapist and talk

1306
01:02:39,560 --> 01:02:41,800
Speaker 1: about with my boyfriend and all of that stuff. And

1307
01:02:41,840 --> 01:02:45,040
Speaker 1: now when I go online, it's not me being afraid

1308
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:47,120
Speaker 1: of kind of towing the line of like not saying

1309
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:49,760
Speaker 1: too much and being too vulnerable, because I've already processed

1310
01:02:49,800 --> 01:02:52,960
Speaker 1: it with people and I've already I'm now coming at

1311
01:02:52,960 --> 01:02:55,640
Speaker 1: it from I don't want to not not as like, oh,

1312
01:02:55,720 --> 01:02:57,720
Speaker 1: I know what I'm doing kind of way, but a

1313
01:02:57,760 --> 01:02:59,960
Speaker 1: little bit it's a little bit more clear, and it's

1314
01:03:00,040 --> 01:03:03,160
Speaker 1: a little bit more concise and cohesive, and I can

1315
01:03:03,240 --> 01:03:07,000
Speaker 1: talk about it without either being so emotionally broken that

1316
01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,680
Speaker 1: I'm going to burst into tears or not wanting to

1317
01:03:09,720 --> 01:03:12,520
Speaker 1: talk about it at all and completely like faking it.

1318
01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:15,880
Speaker 1: And I found that that the more honest that I

1319
01:03:15,920 --> 01:03:20,160
Speaker 1: am with people online, the not like I don't. I

1320
01:03:20,200 --> 01:03:22,680
Speaker 1: hate the term like relatable because it seems so forced,

1321
01:03:22,760 --> 01:03:25,160
Speaker 1: like it feels like you're trying. When you're like someone's relatable,

1322
01:03:25,160 --> 01:03:27,440
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, they're trying to be relatable. But I

1323
01:03:27,480 --> 01:03:29,720
Speaker 1: think like I did a video I think it was

1324
01:03:29,720 --> 01:03:31,360
Speaker 1: like last week or the week before, and I like

1325
01:03:31,480 --> 01:03:34,120
Speaker 1: left in a clip of me taking my face mask

1326
01:03:34,160 --> 01:03:36,600
Speaker 1: off and like being so upset with myself for picking

1327
01:03:36,600 --> 01:03:39,240
Speaker 1: my skin and I like pick my skin all the time,

1328
01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:41,520
Speaker 1: like I can't stop. And I just left it in

1329
01:03:41,600 --> 01:03:44,280
Speaker 1: and I was like, maybe this is oversharing or whatever,

1330
01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:46,480
Speaker 1: but I didn't edit it. I didn't use it as

1331
01:03:46,480 --> 01:03:49,760
Speaker 1: the thumbnail, didn't make it like this big, like click

1332
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:52,080
Speaker 1: bait sort of thing. And I got so many messages

1333
01:03:52,080 --> 01:03:54,120
Speaker 1: of people who are like, thank you so much for

1334
01:03:54,160 --> 01:03:57,240
Speaker 1: like being someone who's vlogging during quarantine and showing that

1335
01:03:57,280 --> 01:03:59,720
Speaker 1: you're like having a mental breakdown because you picked the

1336
01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:01,600
Speaker 1: ship out of your skin and you don't know why,

1337
01:04:01,720 --> 01:04:04,960
Speaker 1: and you're verbally processing it and talking about it with us,

1338
01:04:05,360 --> 01:04:08,920
Speaker 1: but you're not you're not like pretending it didn't happen,

1339
01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:11,840
Speaker 1: and you're still But then I ended the clips saying

1340
01:04:12,200 --> 01:04:14,560
Speaker 1: I think I don't feel great looking at myself and

1341
01:04:14,600 --> 01:04:16,000
Speaker 1: like this if you find it right now, I'm not

1342
01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:17,240
Speaker 1: going to film for the rest of the day. And

1343
01:04:17,280 --> 01:04:20,080
Speaker 1: people like that's such like an amazing growth from our

1344
01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:23,920
Speaker 1: US viewers to see you recognize that talk about it

1345
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:26,000
Speaker 1: and then go, this is what I need and I'm

1346
01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:28,800
Speaker 1: going to step away from this. And I they're like,

1347
01:04:28,840 --> 01:04:31,080
Speaker 1: you gave us enough, Like it's not too much. We

1348
01:04:31,120 --> 01:04:34,200
Speaker 1: don't feel like you're you're you're pushing yourself to do

1349
01:04:34,280 --> 01:04:35,680
Speaker 1: this kind of stuff. And I was like, Oh, this

1350
01:04:35,760 --> 01:04:38,400
Speaker 1: feels it feels like the good I'm learning how to

1351
01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:41,960
Speaker 1: share a good amount with people that it feels like

1352
01:04:42,000 --> 01:04:45,080
Speaker 1: I'm also not I don't like get worried about filming

1353
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:46,919
Speaker 1: anymore of like really trying to like, oh I feel

1354
01:04:46,920 --> 01:04:48,760
Speaker 1: like look nice and do like get it all like

1355
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:50,480
Speaker 1: pep up and all of that stuff. I was like, Oh,

1356
01:04:50,520 --> 01:04:52,640
Speaker 1: I can just like turn on a camera and just

1357
01:04:52,720 --> 01:04:55,280
Speaker 1: be what I'm like right now, which is so much

1358
01:04:55,360 --> 01:04:59,760
Speaker 1: easier and way less pressure. There's so much more freed

1359
01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:03,840
Speaker 1: of it that And I love it the way that

1360
01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:08,120
Speaker 1: you talk about the experience of like these relationships with followers,

1361
01:05:08,160 --> 01:05:13,240
Speaker 1: because I I feel a lot of similar feelings. There's

1362
01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:17,960
Speaker 1: a struggle, I feel like sometimes to properly qualify what

1363
01:05:18,120 --> 01:05:23,360
Speaker 1: that is because I truly do appreciate what happens online.

1364
01:05:23,680 --> 01:05:27,840
Speaker 1: My community is so amazing and I'm obsessed with them

1365
01:05:28,160 --> 01:05:32,800
Speaker 1: and and yet and it only happens to me sometimes

1366
01:05:33,240 --> 01:05:37,080
Speaker 1: when there's an interaction in person. That feels weird because

1367
01:05:37,080 --> 01:05:40,160
Speaker 1: when we're when we're messaging or we're having a conversation,

1368
01:05:40,240 --> 01:05:42,720
Speaker 1: or we're having a dialogue, or we're all activating around

1369
01:05:42,760 --> 01:05:45,800
Speaker 1: like a cause, or people are helping to rally for

1370
01:05:45,880 --> 01:05:50,040
Speaker 1: some social justice issue. With me, it feels like this

1371
01:05:50,200 --> 01:05:56,240
Speaker 1: incredibly delicious like energy, And every once in a while,

1372
01:05:56,400 --> 01:05:59,200
Speaker 1: I'll have an interaction in person that really throws me

1373
01:05:59,240 --> 01:06:02,160
Speaker 1: and makes me feel so uncomfortable, and I know that

1374
01:06:02,160 --> 01:06:04,440
Speaker 1: that's not someone's goal, and I know that that's not

1375
01:06:04,520 --> 01:06:07,320
Speaker 1: done on purpose. I mean, aside from the occasional creepy

1376
01:06:07,320 --> 01:06:10,840
Speaker 1: guy who deserves a punch in the phase. But what

1377
01:06:10,960 --> 01:06:15,520
Speaker 1: I realize is that in person, the energy, the difference

1378
01:06:15,600 --> 01:06:21,919
Speaker 1: in relationship is palpable because the sometimes I run into

1379
01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:24,400
Speaker 1: a person and to them, I'm the most familiar person

1380
01:06:24,400 --> 01:06:27,560
Speaker 1: in the world. But to me, this person is a stranger.

1381
01:06:28,200 --> 01:06:31,000
Speaker 1: And if we have a conversation online, if they leave

1382
01:06:31,040 --> 01:06:33,520
Speaker 1: a comment and I respond to them, we're having an

1383
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:38,280
Speaker 1: equal conversation. But in person, there is this like expectation.

1384
01:06:38,360 --> 01:06:41,080
Speaker 1: There's very often like a desire for like intimate touch,

1385
01:06:41,240 --> 01:06:44,720
Speaker 1: like like strangers really want to hug me, and they

1386
01:06:44,720 --> 01:06:46,440
Speaker 1: want to hug me in a way that like my

1387
01:06:46,560 --> 01:06:49,080
Speaker 1: friends hugged me, where we hug and then they like squeeze,

1388
01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:52,760
Speaker 1: and and I know that that is not someone trying

1389
01:06:52,800 --> 01:06:54,840
Speaker 1: to make me uncomfortable. But I'm looking at your face

1390
01:06:54,880 --> 01:06:57,240
Speaker 1: and I say that it makes you uncomfortable. It makes

1391
01:06:57,280 --> 01:07:00,040
Speaker 1: me so uncomfortable because it feels like an intimate to

1392
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:03,480
Speaker 1: see that has not been earned, because I don't have

1393
01:07:03,560 --> 01:07:06,240
Speaker 1: that intimacy with this person. I don't know this person.

1394
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:08,800
Speaker 1: And and so in a way, I feel like I

1395
01:07:08,840 --> 01:07:11,800
Speaker 1: have to It's almost like I have to bifurcate and

1396
01:07:11,840 --> 01:07:15,280
Speaker 1: I have to honor the experience I'm having, which is

1397
01:07:15,320 --> 01:07:19,000
Speaker 1: that I'm physically uncomfortable, but I also want to honor

1398
01:07:19,040 --> 01:07:24,640
Speaker 1: the emotional experience and like connection and you know, whether

1399
01:07:24,680 --> 01:07:27,320
Speaker 1: it's compliment, observation, whatever, I'm on the receiving end of

1400
01:07:27,400 --> 01:07:31,240
Speaker 1: that's also so nice. And they're two completely different and

1401
01:07:31,280 --> 01:07:34,640
Speaker 1: almost opposing things, and they're happening at the same time.

1402
01:07:36,240 --> 01:07:40,480
Speaker 1: And again I don't I don't propose that I have

1403
01:07:40,560 --> 01:07:42,280
Speaker 1: some sort of solution. I just think it can be

1404
01:07:42,320 --> 01:07:46,120
Speaker 1: important to acknowledge like the reality of this stuff, especially

1405
01:07:46,160 --> 01:07:50,040
Speaker 1: as women trying to figure out how to feel respected

1406
01:07:50,080 --> 01:07:54,920
Speaker 1: in our bodies in the world. And and so I wonder,

1407
01:07:56,040 --> 01:07:59,320
Speaker 1: I guess, just meeting you where you are and saying

1408
01:07:59,360 --> 01:08:03,640
Speaker 1: like saying, you're not alone there. I wonder how do

1409
01:08:03,760 --> 01:08:09,000
Speaker 1: you feel about your relationships, perhaps even just in the

1410
01:08:09,040 --> 01:08:12,240
Speaker 1: digital space, because obviously it's more complicated in the physical,

1411
01:08:12,320 --> 01:08:15,040
Speaker 1: but like in the in the digital space. What is

1412
01:08:15,080 --> 01:08:18,439
Speaker 1: your relationship like with your followers? Do do you find

1413
01:08:18,520 --> 01:08:21,080
Speaker 1: that because of the way you share and the things

1414
01:08:21,080 --> 01:08:23,280
Speaker 1: that you offer, do they do that back? Like do

1415
01:08:23,360 --> 01:08:26,320
Speaker 1: they give you advice? What is your community feel like?

1416
01:08:26,439 --> 01:08:29,120
Speaker 1: Does it does it feel like a really trusted place

1417
01:08:29,200 --> 01:08:32,920
Speaker 1: for you? So I think, I I mean, I literally

1418
01:08:32,960 --> 01:08:35,360
Speaker 1: relate to everything that you're saying, and I think the

1419
01:08:35,400 --> 01:08:38,760
Speaker 1: thing that I because I I feel all of that,

1420
01:08:38,880 --> 01:08:41,720
Speaker 1: and then I feel guilty for feeling that kind of

1421
01:08:42,040 --> 01:08:44,960
Speaker 1: guilt is so intense, and it feels and it feels

1422
01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:47,120
Speaker 1: like it feels like a dirty emotion that I shouldn't

1423
01:08:47,120 --> 01:08:49,840
Speaker 1: be feeling because we're having The person who I'm meeting

1424
01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:52,640
Speaker 1: is having such a different experience than I am, and

1425
01:08:52,760 --> 01:08:55,880
Speaker 1: I am I'm not I feel the whole same thing.

1426
01:08:55,920 --> 01:08:58,920
Speaker 1: And I think my biggest pressure I've always felt is

1427
01:08:58,960 --> 01:09:02,840
Speaker 1: when people will say, like your videos or whatever you're doing,

1428
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:04,640
Speaker 1: like when I listened to your podcast, when I do

1429
01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:07,600
Speaker 1: anything that consume any of your content, like that's like

1430
01:09:07,640 --> 01:09:10,240
Speaker 1: the only that's like my escape from my life when

1431
01:09:10,280 --> 01:09:13,000
Speaker 1: I want to be happy, and I'm like, that's my life,

1432
01:09:13,120 --> 01:09:16,200
Speaker 1: Like that's my life, and my life is an escape

1433
01:09:16,200 --> 01:09:18,880
Speaker 1: for you to be happy? What's my escape? Like, what's

1434
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:22,479
Speaker 1: how do I find that? Because I love if that

1435
01:09:22,520 --> 01:09:25,000
Speaker 1: can be. I love when people say that if that's

1436
01:09:25,000 --> 01:09:26,960
Speaker 1: like how you feel about it, but I don't. More

1437
01:09:27,000 --> 01:09:30,160
Speaker 1: than anything, I would rather people consume my content. And

1438
01:09:30,200 --> 01:09:33,840
Speaker 1: I think it's it's really changed the more honest that

1439
01:09:33,960 --> 01:09:36,160
Speaker 1: I've been and the more open that I've been that

1440
01:09:36,280 --> 01:09:39,200
Speaker 1: now people will say, I watch your content, and I

1441
01:09:39,320 --> 01:09:41,679
Speaker 1: just the whole time I'm watching, I'm going, oh my god, same,

1442
01:09:41,840 --> 01:09:44,640
Speaker 1: oh my god, same, like I could I see you

1443
01:09:44,720 --> 01:09:47,479
Speaker 1: in that? And that feels so much better, so much

1444
01:09:47,520 --> 01:09:50,760
Speaker 1: less pressure because and I think if they had said that,

1445
01:09:50,800 --> 01:09:52,960
Speaker 1: like five years ago, when I was really faking it

1446
01:09:53,080 --> 01:09:54,599
Speaker 1: till I made it, I would have been like, oh god,

1447
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:57,000
Speaker 1: well I don't relate to her, so like I'm glad

1448
01:09:57,080 --> 01:09:59,840
Speaker 1: you do, but like that doesn't feel like me, So

1449
01:10:00,400 --> 01:10:03,560
Speaker 1: that's hard. But I think the same way that like online,

1450
01:10:03,600 --> 01:10:06,720
Speaker 1: I love the relationship I have. I think everybody is

1451
01:10:06,760 --> 01:10:10,519
Speaker 1: so nice and so sweet. And I've gotten to this

1452
01:10:10,520 --> 01:10:12,200
Speaker 1: point where I feel like every d M I get

1453
01:10:12,240 --> 01:10:15,320
Speaker 1: when people want to give me advice, they start with saying,

1454
01:10:15,360 --> 01:10:17,280
Speaker 1: feel free to tell me to funk off, like and

1455
01:10:17,320 --> 01:10:20,840
Speaker 1: they started with like, hey, we know your personality and

1456
01:10:20,840 --> 01:10:22,960
Speaker 1: like we know you're not asking for this advice and

1457
01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:25,880
Speaker 1: it's unsolicited. So I think the more that they've gotten

1458
01:10:25,920 --> 01:10:28,920
Speaker 1: to know me, I think, the more I don't want

1459
01:10:28,920 --> 01:10:31,479
Speaker 1: to say respectful, but also the older that they've got

1460
01:10:31,520 --> 01:10:34,640
Speaker 1: like the my I'm really lucky that my audience has

1461
01:10:34,680 --> 01:10:37,439
Speaker 1: grown up with me and I'm not making videos for

1462
01:10:37,479 --> 01:10:41,200
Speaker 1: twelve year olds, so that age where it then becomes oh,

1463
01:10:41,240 --> 01:10:43,559
Speaker 1: we're all in our twenties, like, it feels a little

1464
01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:47,639
Speaker 1: bit less. I never want to be someone's like idle

1465
01:10:47,880 --> 01:10:50,120
Speaker 1: or hero or something, because that's like pressure and shoes

1466
01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:52,200
Speaker 1: that I can't feel. I'd rather be someone that you

1467
01:10:52,200 --> 01:10:54,599
Speaker 1: look at and go, oh my god, we could be friends.

1468
01:10:54,720 --> 01:10:58,240
Speaker 1: Like I like that relationship a lot more. But it's

1469
01:10:58,439 --> 01:11:02,439
Speaker 1: it's it's a hard line to like figure out because

1470
01:11:02,479 --> 01:11:05,920
Speaker 1: I wish I could have like every interaction with like

1471
01:11:06,320 --> 01:11:08,679
Speaker 1: my audience. I wish I could have them all online,

1472
01:11:09,000 --> 01:11:10,880
Speaker 1: and then if I have it in person, I wish

1473
01:11:10,880 --> 01:11:13,120
Speaker 1: I had like a cheat sheet with everyone's face and

1474
01:11:13,160 --> 01:11:16,280
Speaker 1: their user name and their little icon and every interaction

1475
01:11:16,320 --> 01:11:19,519
Speaker 1: we've had before, so I don't so I feel like

1476
01:11:19,560 --> 01:11:21,400
Speaker 1: I'm on an even playing field with them, so I

1477
01:11:21,439 --> 01:11:25,360
Speaker 1: don't feel like I'm coming in there as the asshole

1478
01:11:25,439 --> 01:11:27,559
Speaker 1: who was like, oh I don't remember you. But it's like,

1479
01:11:27,600 --> 01:11:30,080
Speaker 1: but if I if I was given five minutes like

1480
01:11:30,160 --> 01:11:32,880
Speaker 1: all of the conversations we've had, like I totally would,

1481
01:11:33,200 --> 01:11:36,520
Speaker 1: But now I just feel like I'm under a microscope

1482
01:11:36,520 --> 01:11:39,200
Speaker 1: and I don't want to disappoint And then I feel

1483
01:11:39,200 --> 01:11:41,599
Speaker 1: like then I just become like a caricature of myself

1484
01:11:41,640 --> 01:11:44,960
Speaker 1: and I'm like, yeah, you're like, I just don't want

1485
01:11:45,000 --> 01:11:47,880
Speaker 1: you to be disappointed by who I am in person.

1486
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:50,200
Speaker 1: And that's always been my biggest thing is that, And

1487
01:11:50,240 --> 01:11:54,280
Speaker 1: I think it happens so much is that everybody talks about, oh,

1488
01:11:54,439 --> 01:11:55,920
Speaker 1: what are they like in real life? Like, oh, in

1489
01:11:55,960 --> 01:11:57,960
Speaker 1: real life, what are they like? And you never want

1490
01:11:58,000 --> 01:12:01,040
Speaker 1: to be that person who sucks in real life, and

1491
01:12:01,080 --> 01:12:04,559
Speaker 1: so then you try and turn yourself on to be

1492
01:12:04,600 --> 01:12:07,080
Speaker 1: the version that people see, and the person that people

1493
01:12:07,120 --> 01:12:09,240
Speaker 1: see are like, Okay, they see you like free they

1494
01:12:09,280 --> 01:12:11,320
Speaker 1: see you like on a TV show, on a red carpet,

1495
01:12:11,360 --> 01:12:13,600
Speaker 1: like all of the best of the best stuff, and

1496
01:12:13,640 --> 01:12:15,960
Speaker 1: then you see them at like Barnes and Noble and

1497
01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,840
Speaker 1: you're like, well, now I got to turn into like

1498
01:12:18,280 --> 01:12:21,080
Speaker 1: me at the Golden Globes, but here like what they

1499
01:12:21,120 --> 01:12:24,160
Speaker 1: know you as, And that I think is really it's hard,

1500
01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:27,479
Speaker 1: but I think it'll get easier, hopefully as the Internet

1501
01:12:27,479 --> 01:12:31,000
Speaker 1: becomes more synonymous with everyone's day to day life. I

1502
01:12:31,040 --> 01:12:33,960
Speaker 1: also think that they're you have to give yourself permission

1503
01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:36,040
Speaker 1: to not feel like you have to live up to

1504
01:12:36,120 --> 01:12:40,439
Speaker 1: someone else's expectation of you, because that's not a real thing.

1505
01:12:41,680 --> 01:12:44,599
Speaker 1: And that's true whether you're like on TV or on

1506
01:12:44,640 --> 01:12:47,840
Speaker 1: YouTube or you work in an office building, like other

1507
01:12:47,880 --> 01:12:51,519
Speaker 1: people's expectations of us as humans are never who we are.

1508
01:12:52,479 --> 01:12:56,200
Speaker 1: And and I know that I've had to give myself

1509
01:12:56,240 --> 01:12:58,200
Speaker 1: a little bit of grace and permission to just be

1510
01:12:58,240 --> 01:13:01,719
Speaker 1: where I am. And I'm having a really bad day

1511
01:13:01,840 --> 01:13:05,400
Speaker 1: if like if I've just gotten horrible news and I

1512
01:13:05,479 --> 01:13:07,960
Speaker 1: meet and someone runs up to me five minutes later,

1513
01:13:08,000 --> 01:13:10,839
Speaker 1: and I'm like trying not to just start bawling in public.

1514
01:13:11,560 --> 01:13:15,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm so sorry, today's a bad day, and

1515
01:13:15,080 --> 01:13:17,760
Speaker 1: I've had to give myself permission to be human enough

1516
01:13:18,320 --> 01:13:21,640
Speaker 1: to say, like, I can't I can't even try to

1517
01:13:21,680 --> 01:13:25,280
Speaker 1: meet your expectation right now. And and you know, maybe

1518
01:13:25,320 --> 01:13:27,240
Speaker 1: next week I'll run into somebody and I'll be more

1519
01:13:27,280 --> 01:13:30,320
Speaker 1: than they expected. But you know, you have you have

1520
01:13:30,400 --> 01:13:33,880
Speaker 1: to allow yourself to be human. And I think that's

1521
01:13:34,680 --> 01:13:37,200
Speaker 1: part of what's interesting about what's happening right now is

1522
01:13:37,640 --> 01:13:39,439
Speaker 1: in a way, it almost seems to me like because

1523
01:13:39,479 --> 01:13:42,240
Speaker 1: of this whole pandemic and all of these day at

1524
01:13:42,280 --> 01:13:45,519
Speaker 1: home orders, people are being more honest about their mental

1525
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:48,519
Speaker 1: health and and we're starting to look at each other

1526
01:13:49,240 --> 01:13:53,559
Speaker 1: in in more real and holistic ways. People are asking

1527
01:13:53,600 --> 01:13:55,599
Speaker 1: how you are, and they actually mean it. People are

1528
01:13:55,640 --> 01:13:59,200
Speaker 1: like how are you? Like, are you okay? Are you sleeping?

1529
01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:03,960
Speaker 1: How your stress? You know, it feels it feels deeper

1530
01:14:03,960 --> 01:14:07,640
Speaker 1: and kinder. And I hope that that's something that we

1531
01:14:07,680 --> 01:14:11,559
Speaker 1: can apply to each other again, regardless of industry or

1532
01:14:11,600 --> 01:14:13,840
Speaker 1: like quote unquote fame or whatever. That's like, I'm not

1533
01:14:13,880 --> 01:14:15,599
Speaker 1: talking about just for you and me. I'm just talking

1534
01:14:16,200 --> 01:14:18,479
Speaker 1: for people out in the world. I hope that those

1535
01:14:18,960 --> 01:14:22,439
Speaker 1: measures of kindness are things that we can hold onto

1536
01:14:22,520 --> 01:14:26,120
Speaker 1: when we start interacting in person again, Yeah, no, totally,

1537
01:14:26,160 --> 01:14:29,120
Speaker 1: because you're again you're reading micro expressions. Now you have

1538
01:14:29,160 --> 01:14:32,200
Speaker 1: to like you're only seeing people in these little boxes

1539
01:14:32,240 --> 01:14:34,120
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, so you feel like you have

1540
01:14:34,160 --> 01:14:38,040
Speaker 1: to dig deeper because like you're not in person with them,

1541
01:14:38,080 --> 01:14:42,240
Speaker 1: and like you can't just it feels weirdly. So as

1542
01:14:42,280 --> 01:14:44,839
Speaker 1: distant as everything feels, it feel, it feels also weirdly

1543
01:14:44,880 --> 01:14:48,040
Speaker 1: more intimate. And I think like it makes us it

1544
01:14:48,120 --> 01:14:51,160
Speaker 1: forces us to like to face that we're caring a

1545
01:14:51,200 --> 01:14:54,639
Speaker 1: lot more about people, which I hope, I definitely hope

1546
01:14:54,720 --> 01:14:56,800
Speaker 1: is is uh, I think, And I think it's also

1547
01:14:56,840 --> 01:14:59,840
Speaker 1: teaching everybody like to give themselves more grace and all

1548
01:14:59,880 --> 01:15:03,519
Speaker 1: of that, and it because there's no other option now,

1549
01:15:03,720 --> 01:15:06,160
Speaker 1: and I think that's what's like, oh, well, I have

1550
01:15:06,320 --> 01:15:08,599
Speaker 1: to like there's nothing I can really do about it,

1551
01:15:08,640 --> 01:15:11,320
Speaker 1: Like there's some major things out of all of our control,

1552
01:15:11,880 --> 01:15:14,360
Speaker 1: and we don't it's you don't, Yeah, you don't know

1553
01:15:14,439 --> 01:15:16,280
Speaker 1: how you're going to react to any of this stuff,

1554
01:15:16,320 --> 01:15:18,519
Speaker 1: and so it just becomes well, whatever I'm doing, I'm

1555
01:15:18,520 --> 01:15:20,360
Speaker 1: doing and that has to be the right thing because

1556
01:15:20,360 --> 01:15:22,719
Speaker 1: I've never done it before, and so this is there's

1557
01:15:22,720 --> 01:15:24,840
Speaker 1: only one there's only one way to figure it out.

1558
01:15:27,160 --> 01:15:30,800
Speaker 1: What's it like to be promoting a book right now?

1559
01:15:31,680 --> 01:15:34,720
Speaker 1: Is that a crazy thing? In a pandemic? It is?

1560
01:15:34,800 --> 01:15:36,519
Speaker 1: But I will also say it is kind of my

1561
01:15:36,600 --> 01:15:42,000
Speaker 1: dream scenario because I was so I get so honest

1562
01:15:42,040 --> 01:15:43,920
Speaker 1: in the book that like I was, I didn't even

1563
01:15:43,960 --> 01:15:45,439
Speaker 1: want to read the audio book. I was like, I'm

1564
01:15:45,439 --> 01:15:48,080
Speaker 1: gonna cry the whole time in some random studio in

1565
01:15:48,160 --> 01:15:50,360
Speaker 1: Burbank with some dude I've never met before who's like

1566
01:15:50,600 --> 01:15:52,800
Speaker 1: gonna be operating this and like I hate this, like

1567
01:15:52,840 --> 01:15:55,240
Speaker 1: I don't want to do it, and because the pandemic

1568
01:15:55,240 --> 01:15:57,200
Speaker 1: and ended up being one of my best friends who's

1569
01:15:57,200 --> 01:16:00,320
Speaker 1: my podcast producer. She directed it from my part ment

1570
01:16:00,360 --> 01:16:02,400
Speaker 1: and like it was before stay at Home Orders, but

1571
01:16:02,439 --> 01:16:04,840
Speaker 1: it was like when we were isolating, and so she

1572
01:16:04,920 --> 01:16:07,679
Speaker 1: did it with me and like was there the whole

1573
01:16:07,720 --> 01:16:10,320
Speaker 1: time and it made me feel so much more comfortable,

1574
01:16:10,360 --> 01:16:12,320
Speaker 1: but also weirdly, at the whole time, I was like

1575
01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:14,080
Speaker 1: I don't know who I would rather now because now

1576
01:16:14,160 --> 01:16:16,040
Speaker 1: I'm like sharing with one of my friends that I'm like,

1577
01:16:16,200 --> 01:16:18,320
Speaker 1: this is is this It's like performing for someone you

1578
01:16:18,360 --> 01:16:21,080
Speaker 1: know versus one person you don't, and you're like, which

1579
01:16:21,120 --> 01:16:24,479
Speaker 1: is better? Like, I don't know, And so it ended

1580
01:16:24,560 --> 01:16:28,720
Speaker 1: up being really great and really nice because I just

1581
01:16:28,880 --> 01:16:31,200
Speaker 1: felt like I felt a lot safe. You feel safe,

1582
01:16:31,200 --> 01:16:33,240
Speaker 1: like I'm safer at home, but I just I felt

1583
01:16:33,240 --> 01:16:36,559
Speaker 1: more comfortable here. And I also wrote the book here,

1584
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:39,519
Speaker 1: Like it didn't it It's always felt like this very

1585
01:16:39,640 --> 01:16:43,559
Speaker 1: weirdly intimate thing that has lived on my laptop, Like

1586
01:16:43,640 --> 01:16:45,719
Speaker 1: it's never felt like a book or like a real

1587
01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:48,439
Speaker 1: thing that anybody else is going to see. Like it's

1588
01:16:48,479 --> 01:16:51,120
Speaker 1: just always felt so personal, and the fact that I

1589
01:16:51,160 --> 01:16:54,240
Speaker 1: got to record the audio book at home felt fitting

1590
01:16:54,360 --> 01:16:58,320
Speaker 1: for something so personal. And then I like, the greatest

1591
01:16:58,320 --> 01:16:59,880
Speaker 1: gift of all of this is that I don't have

1592
01:16:59,920 --> 01:17:02,360
Speaker 1: to do reads at a bookstore. I was like, first

1593
01:17:02,360 --> 01:17:04,680
Speaker 1: of all, I suck at reading out loud, but I

1594
01:17:04,800 --> 01:17:07,599
Speaker 1: was like, everyone wants the like, oh, read a chapter

1595
01:17:07,640 --> 01:17:09,519
Speaker 1: about depression. I'm like, I'm sorry, you want me to

1596
01:17:09,560 --> 01:17:11,439
Speaker 1: read a chapter about depression in front of like a

1597
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:13,840
Speaker 1: hundred people I've never met before, and you don't want

1598
01:17:13,840 --> 01:17:16,559
Speaker 1: me to cry? Like I like, there's no way that

1599
01:17:16,680 --> 01:17:20,479
Speaker 1: I can do that. So I think it's been it's

1600
01:17:20,520 --> 01:17:24,720
Speaker 1: been weirdly nice that like I think also just the

1601
01:17:24,800 --> 01:17:27,240
Speaker 1: timing of like the book coming out, like it got

1602
01:17:27,240 --> 01:17:30,280
Speaker 1: pushed back a lot of times. One time it got

1603
01:17:30,280 --> 01:17:33,960
Speaker 1: pushed back and you'll love this. I had female editors

1604
01:17:33,960 --> 01:17:36,200
Speaker 1: and publishers at the old place I was at tell

1605
01:17:36,280 --> 01:17:39,080
Speaker 1: me that the title You're Not Special was not something

1606
01:17:39,080 --> 01:17:41,679
Speaker 1: of women could do because it wasn't nice and only

1607
01:17:41,720 --> 01:17:45,200
Speaker 1: men could get away with it. And I went to

1608
01:17:45,439 --> 01:17:48,840
Speaker 1: like tell them off, and immediately my manager disconnected me

1609
01:17:48,880 --> 01:17:50,560
Speaker 1: from a college. She goes, yes, we're not going to

1610
01:17:50,640 --> 01:17:52,920
Speaker 1: work with them anymore, but like I just need you

1611
01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:55,080
Speaker 1: to like walk away and take a deep breath. And

1612
01:17:55,120 --> 01:17:56,600
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, good, Yeah, I don't need to

1613
01:17:56,640 --> 01:17:59,040
Speaker 1: cuss out all of these people on a phone call,

1614
01:17:59,080 --> 01:18:01,920
Speaker 1: like I I'm so angry, like I will just lose

1615
01:18:01,960 --> 01:18:04,600
Speaker 1: my mind. So I think like the fact that it

1616
01:18:04,800 --> 01:18:06,799
Speaker 1: ended up getting delayed and like there's a whole chapter

1617
01:18:06,840 --> 01:18:09,040
Speaker 1: of like why I don't have like a relationship with

1618
01:18:09,040 --> 01:18:11,719
Speaker 1: my mom anymore, and it came out like a week

1619
01:18:11,760 --> 01:18:13,960
Speaker 1: before Mother's Day, and the fact that I got like

1620
01:18:14,439 --> 01:18:17,120
Speaker 1: so many messages of people who were like I didn't

1621
01:18:17,160 --> 01:18:20,040
Speaker 1: know how much I would need this at this time,

1622
01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:22,880
Speaker 1: but like obviously any content when We're Stuck at Home

1623
01:18:22,960 --> 01:18:26,439
Speaker 1: is great, But I think the fact that, like the

1624
01:18:26,479 --> 01:18:30,080
Speaker 1: book lends itself to be like more of an intimate

1625
01:18:30,160 --> 01:18:32,600
Speaker 1: thing than something that I would feel kind of like

1626
01:18:32,640 --> 01:18:35,920
Speaker 1: i'd feel so silly, like getting on like a talk show,

1627
01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:38,720
Speaker 1: like wearing a fancy dress and like talking about like

1628
01:18:39,040 --> 01:18:42,000
Speaker 1: these really like personal intimate things about my life. Like

1629
01:18:42,040 --> 01:18:46,160
Speaker 1: it just feels it doesn't. It never really sat right

1630
01:18:46,200 --> 01:18:48,920
Speaker 1: with me. So I think that's like the one plus

1631
01:18:48,960 --> 01:18:51,080
Speaker 1: side of all of this. And I also feel a

1632
01:18:51,120 --> 01:18:56,120
Speaker 1: lot less ikey promoting something that is that it doesn't

1633
01:18:56,200 --> 01:18:59,599
Speaker 1: feel frivolous like I think it feels so, at least

1634
01:18:59,600 --> 01:19:01,760
Speaker 1: for me, like and from the response I've gotten, it

1635
01:19:01,800 --> 01:19:06,479
Speaker 1: feels so like human and feels so like relatable in

1636
01:19:06,520 --> 01:19:09,320
Speaker 1: a sense that it's like there's a lot of mental

1637
01:19:09,360 --> 01:19:11,360
Speaker 1: health talk, there's a lot of like bullying took all

1638
01:19:11,400 --> 01:19:14,480
Speaker 1: of these things that it doesn't feel like I'm promoting

1639
01:19:14,520 --> 01:19:18,480
Speaker 1: like my new bikini line like We're all stuck inside,

1640
01:19:18,840 --> 01:19:22,639
Speaker 1: which feels a lot better for my soul in a way. Well,

1641
01:19:22,680 --> 01:19:24,840
Speaker 1: for the record, I love that the title of the

1642
01:19:24,840 --> 01:19:28,000
Speaker 1: book is You're Not Special, Thank You. I think it's

1643
01:19:28,120 --> 01:19:31,200
Speaker 1: funny and it's a good thing, and I think people

1644
01:19:31,280 --> 01:19:34,000
Speaker 1: don't and I think I like the idea of people

1645
01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:36,320
Speaker 1: but being put off by it at first and being

1646
01:19:36,320 --> 01:19:38,640
Speaker 1: like what, I'm offended, and I was like, yeah, it

1647
01:19:38,680 --> 01:19:40,559
Speaker 1: makes you pick it up and then see why, and

1648
01:19:40,560 --> 01:19:43,320
Speaker 1: then you realize, like, you're not special. It's a good thing,

1649
01:19:43,439 --> 01:19:45,680
Speaker 1: Like it's a it's a great thing to not be

1650
01:19:45,760 --> 01:19:48,960
Speaker 1: special in this instance, like it's it's it's what you

1651
01:19:49,000 --> 01:19:51,160
Speaker 1: want to be, Like you don't want you don't want

1652
01:19:51,200 --> 01:19:53,280
Speaker 1: all of your struggles and all the things you've gone through.

1653
01:19:53,320 --> 01:19:55,439
Speaker 1: You don't want someone to go, wow, I've never been

1654
01:19:55,439 --> 01:19:57,040
Speaker 1: through that. I feel like you're the only person in

1655
01:19:57,080 --> 01:19:59,120
Speaker 1: the world who's ever that's ever happened to And you're like,

1656
01:19:59,280 --> 01:20:01,960
Speaker 1: well that makes me feel awful, My god, I'm the

1657
01:20:02,120 --> 01:20:05,719
Speaker 1: only one. Like it's not a good feeling. It's actually

1658
01:20:05,720 --> 01:20:08,439
Speaker 1: really nice to realize that whatever it is you carry,

1659
01:20:08,479 --> 01:20:10,400
Speaker 1: there's a lot of other people out there carrying the

1660
01:20:10,439 --> 01:20:13,280
Speaker 1: same things, and and we can relate on that level

1661
01:20:13,280 --> 01:20:16,880
Speaker 1: if we're willing to get real exactly the process of

1662
01:20:16,880 --> 01:20:19,360
Speaker 1: writing a book and getting as introspective as you did

1663
01:20:19,400 --> 01:20:21,880
Speaker 1: and sharing as much as you did, and I'm sure

1664
01:20:22,000 --> 01:20:26,800
Speaker 1: everyone listening is like ready to read it. I wonder what,

1665
01:20:27,640 --> 01:20:30,160
Speaker 1: because I imagine there's so much processing work that goes

1666
01:20:30,200 --> 01:20:32,840
Speaker 1: into that and you you must sort of feel like

1667
01:20:33,680 --> 01:20:35,640
Speaker 1: a new version of yourself on the other side of

1668
01:20:35,680 --> 01:20:40,680
Speaker 1: completing it. So if you could leave my listeners with

1669
01:20:40,760 --> 01:20:44,360
Speaker 1: a lesson or a piece of advice that you feel

1670
01:20:44,400 --> 01:20:48,519
Speaker 1: like you you earned from that process, what would it be. Oh,

1671
01:20:49,080 --> 01:20:52,920
Speaker 1: I think it's that we're never done, and like we're

1672
01:20:52,960 --> 01:20:56,360
Speaker 1: never we never have it figured out. And I learned

1673
01:20:56,400 --> 01:21:00,360
Speaker 1: that through I've been writing the book for like five years,

1674
01:21:00,640 --> 01:21:04,719
Speaker 1: and I'm going back to the same stories of toxic

1675
01:21:04,800 --> 01:21:07,280
Speaker 1: friendship when I was in high school. And it's not

1676
01:21:07,360 --> 01:21:09,439
Speaker 1: like when I was editing it, I was like like

1677
01:21:09,520 --> 01:21:11,400
Speaker 1: two years ago, or I'm halfway through and I'm like, oh,

1678
01:21:11,439 --> 01:21:13,519
Speaker 1: I need to add a new story. It was no,

1679
01:21:13,640 --> 01:21:15,920
Speaker 1: I'm still learning from that thing that happened when I

1680
01:21:15,920 --> 01:21:21,599
Speaker 1: was sixteen. And I think I spent so long wanting

1681
01:21:21,600 --> 01:21:24,240
Speaker 1: to be like done with the things that I hated,

1682
01:21:24,360 --> 01:21:26,600
Speaker 1: and like done with the traumas and done with the

1683
01:21:26,640 --> 01:21:29,240
Speaker 1: stuff that like weighs on you and doesn't feel good,

1684
01:21:29,240 --> 01:21:31,960
Speaker 1: and like those bad experiences you just want to be done.

1685
01:21:32,640 --> 01:21:36,400
Speaker 1: And I thought if I wasn't done, then I needed

1686
01:21:36,439 --> 01:21:39,320
Speaker 1: to keep putting the work into eventually be done. And

1687
01:21:39,360 --> 01:21:41,519
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, but if I get rid of

1688
01:21:41,520 --> 01:21:43,559
Speaker 1: all of that stuff, and like what am I? Like,

1689
01:21:43,600 --> 01:21:45,360
Speaker 1: I'm not the things that have happened to me, but

1690
01:21:45,439 --> 01:21:48,400
Speaker 1: like that's molded who I am as a person, these experiences,

1691
01:21:48,640 --> 01:21:50,360
Speaker 1: and if I got rid of all of them, like

1692
01:21:50,479 --> 01:21:54,160
Speaker 1: what's left? Because I am a byproduct of the choices

1693
01:21:54,200 --> 01:21:56,439
Speaker 1: I've made and like the relationships that I've had, and

1694
01:21:56,439 --> 01:21:59,240
Speaker 1: like the life experiences that I've had, And if I'm

1695
01:21:59,280 --> 01:22:03,040
Speaker 1: trying to get of them, that's I am who I

1696
01:22:03,080 --> 01:22:05,599
Speaker 1: am because of them and also in spite of them,

1697
01:22:05,640 --> 01:22:07,720
Speaker 1: Like there are things that have shaped me like that,

1698
01:22:08,280 --> 01:22:11,400
Speaker 1: And it was such a it's a lesson. I'm still

1699
01:22:11,640 --> 01:22:16,160
Speaker 1: learning that that's all okay to keep learning from it

1700
01:22:16,200 --> 01:22:18,840
Speaker 1: and to keep everything open and that I'm not going

1701
01:22:18,880 --> 01:22:22,000
Speaker 1: to have it all figured out and that's really, really

1702
01:22:22,000 --> 01:22:25,680
Speaker 1: really going to be fine. And I think also that

1703
01:22:25,840 --> 01:22:30,040
Speaker 1: I don't my the other to the other one, which

1704
01:22:30,080 --> 01:22:32,120
Speaker 1: is just like an add on is is to just

1705
01:22:32,439 --> 01:22:36,400
Speaker 1: trust yourself, which I think is such like an ongoing

1706
01:22:36,720 --> 01:22:38,920
Speaker 1: lesson that we're learning. And you think it's so easy

1707
01:22:38,920 --> 01:22:42,599
Speaker 1: that yeah, I trust myself. But it's bigger than just

1708
01:22:42,680 --> 01:22:45,240
Speaker 1: like not like not only just not questioning everything you

1709
01:22:45,360 --> 01:22:47,640
Speaker 1: say and do, but also going, well, did I interpret

1710
01:22:47,720 --> 01:22:50,160
Speaker 1: that the right way? Or it's like, but there's no

1711
01:22:50,240 --> 01:22:52,280
Speaker 1: right way to interpret it. How it made me feel

1712
01:22:52,439 --> 01:22:54,200
Speaker 1: was how I felt. And one of the lines that

1713
01:22:54,280 --> 01:22:57,120
Speaker 1: people have resonated with, I mean, there's a couple of

1714
01:22:57,120 --> 01:22:59,479
Speaker 1: like vulgar, funny lines that they've resonated with, but like

1715
01:22:59,680 --> 01:23:02,200
Speaker 1: one that was, like, your feelings are valid because you

1716
01:23:02,240 --> 01:23:06,120
Speaker 1: feel them. Like if you feel something that's like, that's ends,

1717
01:23:06,160 --> 01:23:09,040
Speaker 1: that's it, that's all that matters. It exists, it's out

1718
01:23:09,040 --> 01:23:11,439
Speaker 1: there because it makes you feel a certain way. And

1719
01:23:11,479 --> 01:23:14,000
Speaker 1: I think all of those things, like I think even that,

1720
01:23:14,080 --> 01:23:15,400
Speaker 1: and I wrote that, and I was in one of

1721
01:23:15,439 --> 01:23:18,200
Speaker 1: the earliest chapters, But I don't think that I gave

1722
01:23:18,280 --> 01:23:21,439
Speaker 1: myself the opportunity to believe that about myself until I

1723
01:23:21,479 --> 01:23:24,479
Speaker 1: was done writing it. That I was like everything that

1724
01:23:24,520 --> 01:23:27,360
Speaker 1: I felt, all my feelings are going to change over time,

1725
01:23:27,400 --> 01:23:29,240
Speaker 1: they're going to change. I'm going to feel different things,

1726
01:23:29,280 --> 01:23:32,479
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel certain things, and it's and it's fine,

1727
01:23:32,600 --> 01:23:36,000
Speaker 1: and it's not you can close those doors of whatever

1728
01:23:36,040 --> 01:23:38,080
Speaker 1: has happened in your life for experiences, but you're not

1729
01:23:38,120 --> 01:23:40,240
Speaker 1: going to ever be able to like pad lock them

1730
01:23:40,280 --> 01:23:43,400
Speaker 1: up and walk away and have them never exist ever again.

1731
01:23:43,439 --> 01:23:46,640
Speaker 1: They're gonna come up, and it's about learning how to

1732
01:23:46,680 --> 01:23:48,760
Speaker 1: like process it and deal with it and take the

1733
01:23:48,840 --> 01:23:51,600
Speaker 1: lessons that you've learned and channel them for good in

1734
01:23:51,640 --> 01:23:53,519
Speaker 1: your life and figuring all of that stuff out. And

1735
01:23:53,560 --> 01:23:56,320
Speaker 1: I think I thought for a long time being like

1736
01:23:57,120 --> 01:23:59,400
Speaker 1: feeling those things like made you weak and if you

1737
01:23:59,400 --> 01:24:02,479
Speaker 1: couldn't get over something, you're weak. And it's like, okay,

1738
01:24:02,479 --> 01:24:05,559
Speaker 1: but then there's this really good place of this is

1739
01:24:05,600 --> 01:24:09,439
Speaker 1: something that doesn't actively bring me down every single day,

1740
01:24:09,479 --> 01:24:11,320
Speaker 1: but if I think about it, it hurts and it

1741
01:24:11,360 --> 01:24:14,200
Speaker 1: wasn't a great experience, but like and then there's the

1742
01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:16,360
Speaker 1: getting over at thing and that in between things. I

1743
01:24:16,400 --> 01:24:18,719
Speaker 1: was like, that's where everyone's at, but no one's telling

1744
01:24:18,800 --> 01:24:21,400
Speaker 1: us that. And that was such a powerful thing for

1745
01:24:21,439 --> 01:24:23,960
Speaker 1: me to think that, like, oh, I'm not broken and

1746
01:24:24,000 --> 01:24:26,400
Speaker 1: there's not all I'm not like missing this piece that

1747
01:24:26,439 --> 01:24:28,720
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be doing to be over all of

1748
01:24:28,760 --> 01:24:31,320
Speaker 1: this stuff, like I need to, Like it's coping and

1749
01:24:31,360 --> 01:24:35,160
Speaker 1: like learning how to process versus just trying to shut

1750
01:24:35,200 --> 01:24:39,040
Speaker 1: everything away and be done. And that's such a a

1751
01:24:39,120 --> 01:24:41,479
Speaker 1: trait that I'm used to of trying to like rush

1752
01:24:41,520 --> 01:24:43,679
Speaker 1: through things and have it be done and be finished.

1753
01:24:43,920 --> 01:24:46,639
Speaker 1: But like it's it's okay also to be unfinished as

1754
01:24:46,640 --> 01:24:48,880
Speaker 1: a person, and that's a good thing, because like I

1755
01:24:48,920 --> 01:24:51,160
Speaker 1: don't always like who I am at all times of

1756
01:24:51,160 --> 01:24:55,320
Speaker 1: the day forever, and that's it's it's great that I

1757
01:24:55,400 --> 01:24:58,400
Speaker 1: then have the opportunity and the power to grow and change,

1758
01:24:58,920 --> 01:25:01,800
Speaker 1: and it's a good thing, which it was hard for

1759
01:25:01,840 --> 01:25:05,599
Speaker 1: me to recognize. Yeah, I think it's a phenomenal thing

1760
01:25:05,640 --> 01:25:10,400
Speaker 1: to give yourself permission to always get better and and

1761
01:25:10,400 --> 01:25:15,120
Speaker 1: and grace for the moments when you feel like you're backsliding. Yeah,

1762
01:25:15,600 --> 01:25:18,720
Speaker 1: and it happens to everybody. Yeah, Well, it feels like

1763
01:25:18,720 --> 01:25:21,840
Speaker 1: the most appropriate segue into my very favorite question to

1764
01:25:21,880 --> 01:25:25,559
Speaker 1: ask everyone, which is, as you know, the title of

1765
01:25:25,600 --> 01:25:30,280
Speaker 1: the podcast is work in progress, And what as you

1766
01:25:30,439 --> 01:25:34,720
Speaker 1: sit from this vantage point today and look out and

1767
01:25:34,760 --> 01:25:37,759
Speaker 1: maybe look in what feels like a work in progress

1768
01:25:37,760 --> 01:25:42,639
Speaker 1: in your life right now? I think probably the biggest

1769
01:25:42,720 --> 01:25:48,479
Speaker 1: thing is like my own relationship with myself, which as

1770
01:25:48,560 --> 01:25:52,080
Speaker 1: an only child and I was I'm I'm so much

1771
01:25:52,120 --> 01:25:55,080
Speaker 1: more about everybody else and have always been about making

1772
01:25:55,120 --> 01:25:59,040
Speaker 1: everybody else feel comfortable and like then fitting myself in

1773
01:25:59,240 --> 01:26:03,519
Speaker 1: wherever I it in. And I've always I've loved all

1774
01:26:03,560 --> 01:26:06,759
Speaker 1: of the making the all the phrases and sayings about

1775
01:26:06,760 --> 01:26:09,639
Speaker 1: like making women making room for themselves and giving themselves

1776
01:26:09,720 --> 01:26:13,400
Speaker 1: permission to take up room. And I think that's a

1777
01:26:13,439 --> 01:26:16,880
Speaker 1: work in progress for me because I think, I mean

1778
01:26:17,280 --> 01:26:20,120
Speaker 1: it's unlearning, like we talked about the beginning, you know,

1779
01:26:20,200 --> 01:26:22,479
Speaker 1: the pink text, all of the stuff about what we've

1780
01:26:22,479 --> 01:26:24,360
Speaker 1: been taught for women to feel like. I didn't know

1781
01:26:24,360 --> 01:26:27,599
Speaker 1: what hip dips were until I like saw on Instagram

1782
01:26:27,640 --> 01:26:29,760
Speaker 1: and I was like, I'm supposed to dislike those, Like

1783
01:26:29,840 --> 01:26:31,840
Speaker 1: what what do you? What even are they? And like

1784
01:26:31,960 --> 01:26:35,360
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff that I I it's a work

1785
01:26:35,360 --> 01:26:39,840
Speaker 1: in progress with yeah, focusing on my relationship with myself

1786
01:26:40,120 --> 01:26:44,439
Speaker 1: in being okay with being like an incomplete human being

1787
01:26:44,680 --> 01:26:48,040
Speaker 1: and that I'm going to constantly grow and evolve and

1788
01:26:48,160 --> 01:26:52,120
Speaker 1: change and be okay with all of that, and then

1789
01:26:52,160 --> 01:26:56,040
Speaker 1: finding a way to not be happy all the time.

1790
01:26:56,120 --> 01:26:57,280
Speaker 1: That used to my goal. I was like, I just

1791
01:26:57,360 --> 01:26:59,760
Speaker 1: want to be happy all the time. And I was like, well, no,

1792
01:27:00,320 --> 01:27:03,160
Speaker 1: I want to be able to appreciate these moments when

1793
01:27:03,200 --> 01:27:06,519
Speaker 1: I'm really happy and recognize them, and I want to

1794
01:27:06,560 --> 01:27:11,040
Speaker 1: get better at finding at focusing on that kind of

1795
01:27:11,040 --> 01:27:13,240
Speaker 1: stuff and not and not the stuff that takes you

1796
01:27:13,320 --> 01:27:16,720
Speaker 1: down and brings you down. I would say all of that,

1797
01:27:16,800 --> 01:27:18,960
Speaker 1: And yeah, as I get I think everyone says, as

1798
01:27:19,000 --> 01:27:21,000
Speaker 1: you get older, you start to care a little bit

1799
01:27:21,080 --> 01:27:24,680
Speaker 1: less about what everybody thinks. And I've always struggled the

1800
01:27:24,720 --> 01:27:27,240
Speaker 1: most with caring about what I think about myself. And

1801
01:27:27,280 --> 01:27:28,800
Speaker 1: so I was like, yeah, I'm caring less about what

1802
01:27:28,840 --> 01:27:31,280
Speaker 1: other people think, but I'm caring too much still about

1803
01:27:31,320 --> 01:27:34,760
Speaker 1: what I think about like frivolous things. So for me,

1804
01:27:35,640 --> 01:27:39,080
Speaker 1: it's an it's an active work in progress that I

1805
01:27:39,640 --> 01:27:43,120
Speaker 1: have to seek out content and seek out like like

1806
01:27:43,240 --> 01:27:46,800
Speaker 1: just anything that makes me think about my relationship with

1807
01:27:46,840 --> 01:27:50,439
Speaker 1: myself in a better and more positive way, because it's

1808
01:27:50,479 --> 01:27:53,160
Speaker 1: not something that comes naturally. And it's also if we

1809
01:27:53,280 --> 01:27:56,240
Speaker 1: just like pay attention to the media, it's the exact

1810
01:27:56,240 --> 01:28:01,000
Speaker 1: opposite effect, Like it's it's like it's real work work,

1811
01:28:01,080 --> 01:28:02,840
Speaker 1: Like I have to go out of my way to

1812
01:28:02,960 --> 01:28:08,439
Speaker 1: work on it. But yeah, it's it's a work in progress.

1813
01:28:09,280 --> 01:28:13,240
Speaker 1: I love that. Oh my gosh, Megan, thank you so much.

1814
01:28:13,400 --> 01:28:17,799
Speaker 1: I'm I'm really excited to have had this conversation today

1815
01:28:17,880 --> 01:28:20,800
Speaker 1: and and I'm glad that we now are like the

1816
01:28:20,880 --> 01:28:29,760
Speaker 1: same person. Yeah, we're the same I love it. This

1817
01:28:29,840 --> 01:28:33,599
Speaker 1: show is executive produced by me, Sophia Bush, and sim Sarna.

1818
01:28:34,240 --> 01:28:38,280
Speaker 1: Our supervising producer is Alison Bresnick. Our associate producer is

1819
01:28:38,360 --> 01:28:42,360
Speaker 1: Kate Linley. This episode was edited by Matt Sasaki and

1820
01:28:42,400 --> 01:28:44,880
Speaker 1: our music was written by Jack Garrett and produced by

1821
01:28:44,880 --> 01:28:47,320
Speaker 1: Mark Foster. This show is brought to you by Brilliant

1822
01:28:47,320 --> 01:28:48,240
Speaker 1: Anatomy