1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, where we 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: discuss all things mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,599 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford, 5 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:24,759 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information 6 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:29,040 Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls 7 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to 8 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,240 Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to 9 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,479 Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental 10 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me 11 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,320 Speaker 1: for session eight of the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. 12 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: We are continuing our celebration of Mental Health Awareness Month 13 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: by discussing relationships. We've talked about friendships, We've talked about 14 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,720 Speaker 1: dating relationships, we talked about the relationships with our moms, 15 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: and this week we're going to be talking about the 16 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: relationships with our children and parenting. So in this episode 17 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:18,040 Speaker 1: you'll hear a conversation I had with Mercedes Samudio, who 18 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 1: is a licensed clinical social worker. She's a parent coach, speaker, 19 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,959 Speaker 1: and best selling author who helps parents and children communicate 20 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: with each other manage emotional trauma, navigate social media and 21 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 1: technology together, and develop healthy parent child relationships. Over the 22 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: course of her career, she has worked with adoptive families, 23 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: foster families, teen parents, parents navigating the child protective services system, 24 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: and children living with mental illness. She started the in 25 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 1: parent shaming movement as well as coined the term shameproof parenting, 26 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 1: using both to bring awareness to ending parent shame. Mercedes 27 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 1: is a leading parenting expert and has an amazing following 28 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 1: on social media that allows her to reach the hearts 29 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,320 Speaker 1: of thousands of parents who feel heard and seen on 30 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:12,639 Speaker 1: their parenting journey. She has been featured on the Huffington's Posts, 31 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: US News and Report, Woman's Day, l A parent Magazine, 32 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:22,160 Speaker 1: CBS l A, and Kids in the House. She seeks 33 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: to empower parents to believe that they are already great 34 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: guys for raising healthy and happy children. You can read 35 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:33,639 Speaker 1: more about her parenting expertise at shameproof parenting dot com. 36 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 1: So Mercedes is really one of the leading voices in 37 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: parenting today, and I am very excited that I'm able 38 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 1: to share the conversation that we had um with all 39 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,079 Speaker 1: of you. I think that you will find it very 40 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: good and will be very interested in a lot of 41 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,639 Speaker 1: the things that she shared. So thank you so much 42 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:53,760 Speaker 1: for joining us today, Marth Dandies, how are you? I Well, 43 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,919 Speaker 1: thank you so much for having me. So I'm very 44 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: excited to have you on the podcast with us today 45 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 1: to talk all about the movement that you've started around 46 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 1: shameproof parenting. Um, so, can you start breaching by telling 47 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: us what shameproof parenting is? Sure? So, the idea of 48 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 1: shameproof parenting came from this hashtag that I started about 49 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 1: two years ago, which is in parents shaming. That's the hashtag. 50 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:24,079 Speaker 1: And as I was getting um feedback from so many people, colleagues, professionals, parents, 51 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: saying we're sieties, You're so right, we need to stop 52 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,560 Speaker 1: shaming parents, I had one person asked me, okay, so 53 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 1: I'm on board, but how And I was like, you 54 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,839 Speaker 1: know what, that's a really great question. How do we 55 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,200 Speaker 1: become more aware of how we shame parents? And what 56 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,560 Speaker 1: I was really moved by was not worrying about how 57 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 1: other people shame parents, but how parents take on that 58 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 1: shape and incorporated unintentionally and sometimes intentionally into how they 59 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: raise their children. And so the idea of shameproof parenting 60 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 1: is how do you manage a world that is constantly 61 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,840 Speaker 1: going to bombard you with these external ideas and values 62 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,080 Speaker 1: of how a child should be raised? How are you 63 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 1: going to take that in and not internalize in a 64 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 1: negative way, but look at it as is this who 65 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 1: I am? Is this how I want to raise my child? 66 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,119 Speaker 1: Is this the parenting identity that I want to embody? 67 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,159 Speaker 1: And so the idea of it is that you're going 68 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 1: to shameproof your parenting. Not by saying there is no 69 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 1: more parenting shame, but by saying, okay, people are going 70 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,600 Speaker 1: to give me a solicited advice. People are gonna come 71 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,840 Speaker 1: up to me and point fingers. How am I going 72 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: to shameproof myself? How am I going to protect myself, 73 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,920 Speaker 1: my parenting identity and the relationship I have with my kids? 74 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,600 Speaker 1: How am I going to do that? That sounds wonderful? 75 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,560 Speaker 1: I mean, And as the mom of a three year 76 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 1: old and a one year old, I mean, I definitely. 77 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: You know, have been reading a lot of parenting books, 78 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,279 Speaker 1: and you know everybody wants to try to get it 79 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 1: right right, um, which you which you talk a lot 80 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: about in your book. But I think that I've not 81 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,919 Speaker 1: read anything that comes from such a fresh perspective like 82 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: Shameproof Parenting UM. When I was reading it, it just 83 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: felt very heart centered and something that I was really 84 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:02,279 Speaker 1: able to connect with. UM. So, and I want to 85 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: see if you had any thoughts or you know, give 86 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:08,760 Speaker 1: us your thoughts about why you think UM parenting. It 87 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: seems like parenting and pregnancy are UM some two of 88 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:18,599 Speaker 1: the things that solicit most of this unsolicited advice, and 89 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,360 Speaker 1: so can you talk a little bit about why you 90 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: think that might be? Sure? So, my idea is that 91 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,040 Speaker 1: parenting is something that everyone's experienced, whether because they were parented, 92 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,000 Speaker 1: which we all have been, or because they are now 93 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: coming into their own parenting identity. And I think when 94 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:36,599 Speaker 1: you have something as universal as child raising, you definitely 95 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 1: are going to have people who have their own ideas 96 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,400 Speaker 1: about it. Right. You have people who think it's supposed 97 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: to be done this way, who think it's supposed to 98 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: be done that way. And I would even say, over 99 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,599 Speaker 1: the past twenty years, there's been so much research about 100 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: how we develop and where some of our behavior comes 101 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 1: from that I think it's even given more people space 102 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: to say, well, since we, you know, start off as children, 103 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: how are we going to raise children? To be healthy adults. Well, 104 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: everyone has idea about that, whether they are a parent 105 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: or you know, they are just coming from their own 106 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: parenting experience. And so my idea is that, because it's 107 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 1: such a universal topic, is something that each and every 108 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,400 Speaker 1: human on this planet has experienced, we have to learn 109 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: how to lean into what does it mean to bring 110 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,840 Speaker 1: a human from birth into adulthood? What does that look like, 111 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: and not do it in a way that shames those 112 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,880 Speaker 1: people who have taken on that role, because you know, 113 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 1: even biological people who are not biological parents take on 114 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,480 Speaker 1: that role. But how do we create a world where 115 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:37,880 Speaker 1: everyone is kind of invested in taking a child from 116 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: birth into adulthood, not just the people who brought them 117 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,360 Speaker 1: into the world, but everyone around them. And how can 118 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 1: we do that in a way that I think is 119 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,080 Speaker 1: more village like, But not in a village where we're 120 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,039 Speaker 1: all telling you what to do. It's a village where 121 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 1: we're all giving you space to find out, to feel 122 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,560 Speaker 1: into it, to lean into it, and to grow. So 123 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,280 Speaker 1: you talk a lot about and you've already talked about today, um, 124 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,360 Speaker 1: the whole idea of your parent identity, and you talk 125 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 1: more about what that means. Yes, so I am a 126 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,279 Speaker 1: license clinical social worker, right, So that means I studied 127 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 1: all these theories about development, and we pretty much, i 128 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 1: would say, have a theoretical understanding of almost every level 129 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 1: of development, cognitive, physiological, biological. We have all these developmental 130 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 1: understandings of people, and we don't have any type of 131 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 1: framework for how does a person move from being just 132 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: a human on their own to being a human who's 133 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 1: raising another human. There is no parenting identity development theory 134 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: anywhere where we really give people an insight, um a 135 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 1: window into what does it look like to develop a 136 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 1: parenting identity? Who am I? You know? I know I 137 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: was a a sister and a brother, and I was 138 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: you know, uh ceo of a company all of those things. 139 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 1: You know, I was a wife, I was a husband. 140 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 1: We have wonderful theories about how to come into those identities, 141 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,480 Speaker 1: but not about how to come into what does it 142 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 1: mean to raise another human? And so that's what I 143 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,440 Speaker 1: mean by your parenting identity, this piece of you as 144 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 1: another aspect of who you are, that is just as 145 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,160 Speaker 1: important and it needs just as much nurturing as you know, 146 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,080 Speaker 1: becoming a wife or becoming the CEO of a company 147 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: or you know, any of these things that we do 148 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 1: with all of our other pieces of our identity. So 149 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: what do you think about? Um? And And recently we've 150 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 1: been seeing a lot more probably with the advent of 151 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 1: more and more social media. UM, we've been seeing some 152 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 1: very public displays of like how people are parenting. Right, so, 153 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 1: most of the time, what goes on in your house 154 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,760 Speaker 1: in terms of discipline and parenting is only kind of 155 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: behind closed doors because nobody else sees. But lately, UM, 156 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,520 Speaker 1: I've been witnessing people using social media to really like 157 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,960 Speaker 1: put on display how they are parenting their children. UM. 158 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,719 Speaker 1: So we've seen examples of you know, like maybe a 159 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 1: kid gets bad grades in class, or it's cutting up 160 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 1: at school, and um, he will then have to get 161 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 1: like a very embarrassing haircut or um. You know, you've 162 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: seen examples of like moms and dad's be raiding their 163 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 1: children about something that has happened, but putting it on 164 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,920 Speaker 1: social media. UM. So can you talk a little bit 165 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,160 Speaker 1: about that, and you know, give us your thoughts about 166 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 1: why we are maybe seeing so much more public display 167 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 1: of that. Sure. So, I think we use social media, 168 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 1: most of us as humans use social media to get 169 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,200 Speaker 1: validation for who we are and what we're doing. We 170 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: post about what we're eating, we post about where we are. 171 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 1: We post all of these things because we want people 172 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: to see our life and being a parent. You know, 173 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 1: the discipline part is part of your life. It's part 174 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: of how you want to be validated. And I think 175 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: in this culture of shaming parents, parents have unfortunately developed 176 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,880 Speaker 1: this habit of saying I'm doing the best I can. Look. 177 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,959 Speaker 1: You see how he's acting, you see what he's doing, 178 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 1: you see how she's talking to me. If I can 179 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: show you that my Keya is not this perfect angel 180 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: that you all think they are, then you'll see that 181 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: I'm struggling as a parent. And I think that the 182 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,319 Speaker 1: way that we shame parents has created this. Unfortunately, it's 183 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 1: created this idea what parents can't say I'm struggling without 184 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: people saying, well, you should do this, and you should 185 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,520 Speaker 1: do that, and you you should do this. We don't want 186 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 1: to just listen to parents. We don't want to just 187 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,080 Speaker 1: hear what they're struggling with. We want to tell them 188 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,960 Speaker 1: right away, well, you know, joy, we know when I 189 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 1: had them one year old, you know this is what 190 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: I did. He wouldn't talk to me that way, and 191 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,079 Speaker 1: my three or would not be jumping on all over 192 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: my couch if I was you, And we don't want 193 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,640 Speaker 1: to just listen to what is your experience? How are 194 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 1: you coming into this, how are you feeling about this? So, 195 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 1: as a result of us not really having that space 196 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 1: for parents, parents have found it. As maladaptive as it 197 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: may seem, they found that space because for every parent 198 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,600 Speaker 1: that post something like that and gets flack forward, there's 199 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: another parent who's everyone saying, girl, yep, that's what I 200 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 1: would have done. That's exactly how I would have done it, 201 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,559 Speaker 1: you know. And so we need to find a healthier 202 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,080 Speaker 1: space for parents to say I don't know what to 203 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,400 Speaker 1: do with my kid brings home bad grades, and that 204 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:44,240 Speaker 1: space cannot be full of advice and suggestions. That space 205 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,559 Speaker 1: has to be full of also empathy and compassion. How 206 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,679 Speaker 1: does that feel for you to make sure your kid 207 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:52,400 Speaker 1: has everything they need and they still can't go to 208 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,199 Speaker 1: school and do what you you expect of them. What 209 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,760 Speaker 1: does that feel like for you? You You know, to make 210 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,680 Speaker 1: sure that your kid doesn't have any of the same 211 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 1: issues you had when you were kid, and for your 212 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 1: kid to still talk back to you. What does that 213 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: feel like, I think when we can start giving parents 214 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 1: that space, will stop seeing so much of these public 215 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 1: displays of kind of validation that I think parents are 216 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,959 Speaker 1: looking for when they post stuff like that. So you're 217 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,760 Speaker 1: really talking about something that's pretty transformative, you know, like 218 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 1: this idea of kind of creating a safe space in 219 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,040 Speaker 1: a lot of ways for parents to be able to 220 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 1: share yes, I'm struggling, and for the circle in the 221 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 1: community to be able to hold the concern without automatically 222 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 1: jumping in with all these advice and things I would 223 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,840 Speaker 1: have done. Yes, And if you if we're really being honest, 224 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 1: we have that almost everywhere else in our lives. You know, 225 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,480 Speaker 1: when you go to your girlfriend's ill say, girl, pour 226 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: me some wine. She pours you wine and just let 227 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: you cry. She doesn't try to tell you to leave 228 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 1: you that man and get out of that house. She'll 229 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 1: just let you cry and drink her whole bottle of wine. 230 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,040 Speaker 1: You know, when you go to somebody and you say, girl, 231 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 1: I hate this job, and I was like, girl, you 232 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,360 Speaker 1: to leave that job. Put your two weeks noticing, and 233 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 1: they say, well, tell me about it. What's going on? 234 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,320 Speaker 1: You know? Can I help? What can I do? What 235 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 1: you need. But when parents start to say that, we 236 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,319 Speaker 1: immediately think, well, you know you do positive parenting. You 237 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,080 Speaker 1: gotta do this, parent You know, we gotta do this, 238 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,680 Speaker 1: And we don't want to give parents that space to 239 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,520 Speaker 1: be frustrated, to to make mistakes, to say I don't 240 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:13,880 Speaker 1: know what to do. I don't know where my expectations 241 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,000 Speaker 1: should be. Should I expect my kid to make Straina's 242 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,160 Speaker 1: or should I not? Should I hope that my siblings 243 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: won't ever fight or should I not? What? Where? What 244 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 1: do I do? Where's the baseline? We need to give 245 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,120 Speaker 1: parents space to find out what their baseline is in 246 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 1: accordance with their parenting identity and their personality, and in 247 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: accordance with the people they have in their homes, the 248 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 1: truth and they have in their homes, you know what 249 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: I mean. So how would you say we could go 250 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:41,680 Speaker 1: about starting to create this kind of a culture shift. Well, 251 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 1: you know, I posit this. I think it first starts 252 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: with us understanding and identifying. First, for parents, identifying where 253 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,160 Speaker 1: did your shame come up? Because not every parent has 254 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: the same level of shame. You know, I might think 255 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: that you're upset with your kids forgetting to f but 256 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,320 Speaker 1: that might not be where your shame is. It might 257 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: be in some other aspect of your parenting identity, or 258 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 1: in your fly that you've created. And I think it 259 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:05,520 Speaker 1: starts with just listening, just hearing, not assuming that Joy 260 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,200 Speaker 1: is having a hard time with a three year old, 261 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: but listening to what's really happening. You know, what is 262 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,280 Speaker 1: happening to you, Joy? Is it just the three year old? 263 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 1: Is it? Is it your business? Is it? This? Is 264 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 1: it that? What's really causing you know, all of this 265 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: discomfort for you? Once I figure that out, then I 266 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 1: can start to say, well, what do you need? Do 267 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,680 Speaker 1: you need? Ex do you need? Why do you need? Parenting? 268 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,200 Speaker 1: You know, I've noticed that some of my parents, the 269 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 1: kid actually is even the issue. It's just that they've 270 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,839 Speaker 1: had a horrible day at work and they just want 271 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: to come home and go to sleep, but they can't 272 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,320 Speaker 1: because people need food, and people need clothes, people need 273 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,320 Speaker 1: homework done, and so that's where the frustration comes from. 274 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 1: So when we just listen to parents and listen to 275 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,520 Speaker 1: what aspects of their life are really impeding, are becoming 276 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,839 Speaker 1: a barrier to their parenting, whether it's the parenting and 277 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,440 Speaker 1: the kid itself, or if it's something else then we 278 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,079 Speaker 1: can begin to, I think, hold a space for parents 279 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,760 Speaker 1: and give them the advice that's actually unique to them 280 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,760 Speaker 1: in their situation. That sounds wonderful, that the answer sounds wonderful, 281 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: And I think that your book is going to give 282 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,240 Speaker 1: us some really good strategies about how we can be 283 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,200 Speaker 1: able to kind of create this culture shift in terms 284 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,719 Speaker 1: of parenting. Yes, and I think you're right, it is 285 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,199 Speaker 1: a culture shift. I think we live in a very 286 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,920 Speaker 1: public culture where almost everything is either in the news 287 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,280 Speaker 1: or on social media, and I think we are still 288 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 1: in this period of transition and adjustment, adjustment to how 289 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,320 Speaker 1: do we live in a world where everything is so public? 290 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: How do we live in a world where almost everything 291 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:30,040 Speaker 1: we do can be scrutinized, Because even if you yourself don't, 292 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: you know, take a picture of what's going on with 293 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: your family, someone else can. Someone else can be in 294 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: the store and take a video of you trying to 295 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,480 Speaker 1: manage your child's tangent and posting online, you know. And 296 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,880 Speaker 1: I think living in this world, it's definitely gonna be 297 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: a cultural shift of how do we use this technology 298 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 1: and this access to better ourselves as opposed to continuously 299 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,760 Speaker 1: destroying ourselves? With it. So what do you think, um, 300 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: are some of the most common missteps we make as parents? 301 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,200 Speaker 1: You know, so you have tons of experience working with 302 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,080 Speaker 1: parents on a variety of issues. UM, So if you 303 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,000 Speaker 1: could give us some insight about some of the most 304 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 1: common misteps you see parents make and how, um we 305 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 1: may be able to be able to again begin thinking 306 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 1: differently about parenting. Yeah, so, UM, I believe one of 307 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 1: them that I see quite a bit is this idea 308 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,160 Speaker 1: that your child is an extension of you and that 309 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,040 Speaker 1: you have to make your child a decent human being. 310 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 1: And I think that level of pressure is what kind 311 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 1: of exacerbates a lot of the other things that happened 312 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 1: in the world. We're constantly worried about what other people 313 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,000 Speaker 1: are gonna say when my three year old can sit 314 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: the table and eat food, when that actually just might 315 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: not be who your kid is. There are some three 316 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,120 Speaker 1: year olds who are great, and there's some who, no 317 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 1: matter how many times who threaten them, they're not gonna 318 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:40,040 Speaker 1: sit out. And so really learning how to say I 319 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,240 Speaker 1: am a human right and really get in touch with that. 320 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 1: I talked about that a lot in the book. Get 321 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,360 Speaker 1: in touch with their own humanity, get in touch with 322 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,960 Speaker 1: their own identity, because the more you do that, the 323 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 1: more you have space to empathize with this other human 324 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: your task with raising that this other human is just 325 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,520 Speaker 1: as flawed and just as amazing as you are. And 326 00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: I think that kind of, you know, that kind of 327 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:05,280 Speaker 1: is the umbrella for most of the common barriers and 328 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,920 Speaker 1: issues that I see in parents. And then I think 329 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 1: the other one is learning how to communicate in different 330 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 1: ways than just talking. So most people, and most of 331 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,600 Speaker 1: the parents who can pay for my services and work 332 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,080 Speaker 1: with me, they're great at speaking, but they're not always 333 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,240 Speaker 1: great at hearing the emotional communication and then more nonverbal 334 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 1: communications that we all have to learn how to be 335 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 1: nuanced within our in our relationships. And I think in 336 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,520 Speaker 1: the parenting relationship, the parents child one it's even harder 337 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 1: to deal with because everyone says, you're the parent, you 338 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: better control that kid, you better make sure that they 339 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,160 Speaker 1: don't think or do anything out of line. And I 340 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,200 Speaker 1: think that's a really horrible expectation of place on a 341 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 1: parent to do for a kid, because, like I said, 342 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: you're human and so is your kid. You can't control 343 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,560 Speaker 1: another human. I don't care if it did come out 344 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,960 Speaker 1: of you or not so really, kind of these two 345 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 1: concepts of managing our expectations of who we're going to 346 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 1: be when we become parents and the present that we 347 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,680 Speaker 1: are tasked with lazy and it depends time learning how 348 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: to communicate and more way than to get that vertical 349 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:06,199 Speaker 1: steep um level of communication. So what might that look like? 350 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,439 Speaker 1: Can you give us some ideas about like how you 351 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 1: can learn to communicate, you know, especially with like a 352 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: three year old who is you know, kind of verbal 353 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:17,160 Speaker 1: but not super understanding, you know, as as much as 354 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,400 Speaker 1: you do as an adult. So how can you begin 355 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 1: to communicate with them different things? Well, I think one 356 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,879 Speaker 1: of the ways, and I feel this is across you know, 357 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:29,680 Speaker 1: age aged um groups is played so kids, especially younger 358 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,560 Speaker 1: kids zero to five, you find out so much when 359 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,680 Speaker 1: you just watch them play with each other. You find 360 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 1: out the things that they're picking up, You find out 361 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,680 Speaker 1: the cultural things that they're picking up, You find out 362 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,760 Speaker 1: the gender things that they're picking up. You find out 363 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 1: the things that maybe you didn't think they heard that 364 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,720 Speaker 1: they did. Really watching them play, and you don't have 365 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,919 Speaker 1: to be a therapist to understand, you know, if your 366 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,480 Speaker 1: kid is doing something, but when your kid is playing 367 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,480 Speaker 1: with their cars and they're constantly trying to kill everybody 368 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,919 Speaker 1: in the car set. That lets you know there might 369 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 1: be some aggression. Your three year old can say, Mom, 370 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,399 Speaker 1: I'm really mad. But if you just told them you 371 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:01,879 Speaker 1: can't have that and they go in the room and 372 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:05,240 Speaker 1: they destroy all of their their toys, that's anger, right 373 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 1: Learning how to read these nonverbal cues of Okay, he 374 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 1: didn't tell me he's mad, but I can tell he 375 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,159 Speaker 1: went in there and play all of his cars or 376 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 1: in a car accident. Right now, he's probably feeling a 377 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 1: little bit of aggression towards either me or something else 378 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: that's going on in the house. And I think you 379 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,399 Speaker 1: can even notice that with older kids. You know, kids, 380 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,680 Speaker 1: we don't always have, even as a note, the right 381 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,679 Speaker 1: language to share how we're feeling or what we're experiencedly internally. 382 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 1: But it's really about getting quiet enough to say, what 383 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,399 Speaker 1: what am I seeing? We just had this issue, we 384 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,359 Speaker 1: just had this conflict, or we just had this really 385 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,919 Speaker 1: great day, and what am I seeing? Outside of the 386 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,679 Speaker 1: words they're using, how are they interacting with everyone in 387 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,240 Speaker 1: the house, How are they interacting with their things or 388 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,680 Speaker 1: the TV shows they're watching, or as kids get older, 389 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,359 Speaker 1: they start to you know, like certain clothing and certain music. 390 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 1: All of these things are nonverbal ways that we communicate 391 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,679 Speaker 1: to each other. That if as a parent you can 392 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,639 Speaker 1: kind of get into with that, you can start even 393 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,280 Speaker 1: noticing how to give your kids that emotional language. Right, 394 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:00,919 Speaker 1: you see your keys it, Like I said, three year 395 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,440 Speaker 1: old having all of his cars in a car accident. 396 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: You can say, Wow, that must be really frustrating, you know, 397 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,159 Speaker 1: to have everybody been a cariss and how are you 398 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 1: gonna solve that? How are you gonna help everybody? Right? 399 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,880 Speaker 1: And you're helping this kid develop this language that they 400 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 1: don't have, that they're showing it through their play or 401 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 1: through these nonverbal cues. Yeah. So I mean a lot 402 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 1: of what you talk about, like we've already mentioned, feels 403 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 1: very transformative. But at the basic level which you just mentioned, um, 404 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,359 Speaker 1: really just sounds like being very present and being you know, 405 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,600 Speaker 1: just kind of in tune with what's happening with your child. Yes, 406 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960 Speaker 1: And I also tell my parents that it starts with 407 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,880 Speaker 1: them because a lot of the parents that I work with, 408 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,359 Speaker 1: you know, they're part of this this culture of go 409 00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,479 Speaker 1: go go, and so I think a lot of times, 410 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,439 Speaker 1: you know, parents have so much on their plate that 411 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,239 Speaker 1: they even get out of tune with themselves. I've met 412 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,159 Speaker 1: parents who tell me they don't eat, they don't sleep, 413 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: and it's like, are you listening to your body? What's 414 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,160 Speaker 1: going on for you? First? There's no way you can 415 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 1: have that type of attunement with a child that's outside 416 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,160 Speaker 1: of you if you don't have it with yourself first. 417 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:58,959 Speaker 1: If you're not you know, when you get a headache, 418 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,600 Speaker 1: do you know where that came? You know, when you're 419 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,240 Speaker 1: just angry for no reason because someone left a piece 420 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,959 Speaker 1: of paper in the middle of the floor, do you 421 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,239 Speaker 1: know where that anger is coming from? Do you know 422 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,119 Speaker 1: where that resonates from? So it's this idea first, starting 423 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,000 Speaker 1: with yourself and saying, wow, I get really angry when 424 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: everyone keeps going in and out of the house. What 425 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,720 Speaker 1: is that about? What are my values about going in 426 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,160 Speaker 1: now the house? Where did I learn those values from? 427 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 1: And then being able to say, okay, now I can 428 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 1: look at someone else and figure out how their nonverbal 429 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,080 Speaker 1: cues or triggering them, you know if that makes sense? 430 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:31,399 Speaker 1: M m mmmm, absolutely absolutely So I want to go 431 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,399 Speaker 1: back um a little bit to talk more about or 432 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,680 Speaker 1: to see if you have any more insight about UM 433 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,400 Speaker 1: the role that social media plays with our in terms 434 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,760 Speaker 1: of parenting UM. And I'm not sure about you, but 435 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,439 Speaker 1: I am a part of UM like a lot of 436 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,320 Speaker 1: like Facebook mommy group kinds of things, so like about 437 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: breastfeeding and you know, once they started school and all 438 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,239 Speaker 1: of this stuff. UM and you definitely will see a 439 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,359 Speaker 1: lot of these mommy wars kind of play out. Like 440 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,600 Speaker 1: Facebook feels like a breeding ground for a lot of 441 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,679 Speaker 1: this UM And so I wanted to hear your insights about, 442 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,920 Speaker 1: like how is that related to like the shameproofing, Like 443 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,800 Speaker 1: does some of that come out of shame? I think 444 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,760 Speaker 1: it does. I think we all again, like I said earlier, 445 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,280 Speaker 1: I think everyone has an idea about what it means 446 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 1: to parents, A very universal thing to have an idea about. 447 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,520 Speaker 1: And so once you're in the thick of it, you're 448 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,480 Speaker 1: in these groups trying to figure out is what I'm 449 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:24,000 Speaker 1: doing valid? Is this is what I'm doing viable? And 450 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,640 Speaker 1: so you have people, when you go back to who 451 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,320 Speaker 1: they are as humans, they don't always know how to 452 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: ask for help or how to give help because they 453 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 1: themselves are dealing with their own journey on being emotionally intelligent. 454 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,919 Speaker 1: Are are being able to be present in the world. 455 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,480 Speaker 1: So what I teach my parents about shameproofing is this, 456 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,959 Speaker 1: find the village that feels resonant for you. So if 457 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,439 Speaker 1: you're in four or five mom groups and you've never 458 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 1: felt like posting to get help, that's probably not the 459 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,359 Speaker 1: mom group you need to be in. You know, you 460 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: need to find say, Okay, what do I need. Well, 461 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,760 Speaker 1: I'm a mom who really likes to outdoors and I 462 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,679 Speaker 1: really want to, you know, help my kids learn how 463 00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 1: to go into the outdoors. So you maybe want to 464 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 1: be an a group that talks about that, or you 465 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,480 Speaker 1: might want to start one. If you're a parent who's 466 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,280 Speaker 1: more mindful, then you might want to be in a 467 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: group that's more mindful. If you're a parent who believes 468 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 1: in breastfeeding until your child weans off on their own, 469 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:12,120 Speaker 1: no matter how old they are, then you might want 470 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,000 Speaker 1: to be in a group or start a group for that. 471 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,639 Speaker 1: I think sometimes we will force ourselves to stay in 472 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,680 Speaker 1: different tribes or different groups because we feel like, well, 473 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 1: I've got to learn, you know, I've got to toughen up, 474 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,560 Speaker 1: and I don't believe in that. I don't believe that 475 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,679 Speaker 1: when you toughen up, it helps you. I believe that 476 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,399 Speaker 1: when you toughen up and you just keep yourself in this, 477 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,240 Speaker 1: it makes you way more disconnected from yourself and and 478 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,840 Speaker 1: then eventually your child. So when you're on Facebook or 479 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,560 Speaker 1: you're in any type of online um community, just as yourself, 480 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,639 Speaker 1: when's the last time I felt like I could actually 481 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,960 Speaker 1: post in there and get support the way I need support? 482 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 1: If you can't even think when's the last time that 483 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,960 Speaker 1: was it, then you might need to leave out of 484 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,120 Speaker 1: that group. If you said the last couple of times 485 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,720 Speaker 1: I've checked in I felt so you know, I felt horrible, 486 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,600 Speaker 1: I felt this this nagging discomfort, Then that might not 487 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,440 Speaker 1: be the group for you. Does that mean it's a 488 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: horrible group? I can't say. But it's more about worrying 489 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,960 Speaker 1: about what do I need to feel supported and how 490 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,840 Speaker 1: do I get that support, and then going to find 491 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:13,280 Speaker 1: that for yourself. Got you? Got you? So really, when 492 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: we're talking about like how we can shameproof our parenting, 493 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,399 Speaker 1: we're really talking about starting with ourselves. So not so 494 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: much about like how to fix my child, but what 495 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,800 Speaker 1: how am I parenting in a way that you know 496 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: is not consistent with who my child actually is right right, 497 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: And I think that's I think it's difficult though, because again, 498 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,680 Speaker 1: our world tells us differently. Our world says, you've got 499 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 1: to control that kid. If anything happens, it's your fault. 500 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,680 Speaker 1: If this kid grows up to be anything that's abnormal 501 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: or not correct, it's your fault. So I think parents 502 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,399 Speaker 1: are constantly in that contention of I've got to make 503 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 1: sure I'm doing it right, but it's not always an 504 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,080 Speaker 1: alignment with what I who I have in my home. 505 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,600 Speaker 1: And so I think that's the part of shameproof parenting 506 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,679 Speaker 1: that I'm trying to get, you know, this kind of 507 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: cultural shift that we're talking about, which is start when 508 00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:01,280 Speaker 1: your home first, start with you have first, and then 509 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,560 Speaker 1: go out to the world, don't let the world tell 510 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: you where to start, and then you come back home. 511 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:07,760 Speaker 1: So I do think it is important for us to 512 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:12,760 Speaker 1: talk about UM, the cultural pieces to shame UM because 513 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:14,320 Speaker 1: I do think I mean, and we can kind of 514 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,480 Speaker 1: see this playing out in the media that if there 515 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 1: is a teenager who um commits a crime UM like 516 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 1: a black teenager does something, then there's a lot of 517 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,640 Speaker 1: talk about, well, what do the parents do and where 518 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,160 Speaker 1: are they and all this kind of stuff, whereas maybe 519 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,200 Speaker 1: if it's a white team, then it's just teens being 520 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,560 Speaker 1: teens kind of thing, right, Um, And so I want 521 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: to hear your thoughts about, um, any particular cultural aspects 522 00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:38,560 Speaker 1: that we need to be mindful of in terms of 523 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,879 Speaker 1: being black parents. Yes, definitely. And I think you're speaking 524 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,840 Speaker 1: to something that's very systemic, right, that there's still racism. 525 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: There's still people who judge you based on how you 526 00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:50,240 Speaker 1: look and in the race that you identify with, versus 527 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,919 Speaker 1: who you actually are. And I think for you know, 528 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,360 Speaker 1: any minority family, especially if you're in the more oppressed 529 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:59,360 Speaker 1: minority like African Americans unfortunately are in America, sometimes it's 530 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,919 Speaker 1: really important and to start off with who are you 531 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,000 Speaker 1: and how do you want your family to show up 532 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,520 Speaker 1: in the world. Yes, we can worry about how people 533 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 1: see us, but I think we really want to model 534 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 1: for kids that no matter how people see you, how 535 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,000 Speaker 1: do you want to show up in the world. You know, 536 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,399 Speaker 1: I think sometimes people still think all black people spank 537 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,640 Speaker 1: their kids, and that's not always true. You know, there 538 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,520 Speaker 1: are definitely a lot of you know, black parents who 539 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: believe in positive parentings, who believe in positive discipline and 540 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 1: don't spank their children. And I think it's really important 541 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:29,240 Speaker 1: on that same line that we have more cultural people 542 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:32,520 Speaker 1: out speaking about child raising practices, not just the kind 543 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,320 Speaker 1: of people who identify and the white culture always being 544 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 1: the parenting experts. You know, we need more African American 545 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,040 Speaker 1: parenting experts, We need more like Fino parenting experts, We 546 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,280 Speaker 1: need more Asian parenting experts, So that way we can 547 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 1: start to understand that culture plays such a huge role 548 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,159 Speaker 1: and how I raise my kid. If I have a 549 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,680 Speaker 1: black son, I'm probably gonna talk to him a lot 550 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,040 Speaker 1: differently than if I have a white son because just 551 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,160 Speaker 1: the way the world experiences him. And so I think 552 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,160 Speaker 1: that if we have more people, more experts, talking about 553 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,720 Speaker 1: it this way, we can start to really again have 554 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:05,440 Speaker 1: this cultural shift of the way that people parent has 555 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,159 Speaker 1: to be very unique to not only their home, but 556 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,600 Speaker 1: their culture, experience, their gender identity, their sexual orientation, their 557 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:15,080 Speaker 1: religious identity. All of these things start with the parents 558 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,040 Speaker 1: first recognize it for themselves. Who are we? What is 559 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,760 Speaker 1: what is our family? How do I how do we identify? 560 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,520 Speaker 1: And then how do I help my children now understand 561 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,879 Speaker 1: that same identity and go out into the world so 562 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:29,800 Speaker 1: their particular strategies that you might offer to black parents about, 563 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 1: you know, like how to really tap into this shame 564 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,439 Speaker 1: for themselves. We'll talk about it like literally, how does 565 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,959 Speaker 1: it show up for you? Because if you say to me, 566 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,040 Speaker 1: you know, I'm scared for my black son and that's 567 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,440 Speaker 1: why I spank him, then we need to talk about that. 568 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,240 Speaker 1: What do you think the spanking is going to do? 569 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,280 Speaker 1: What do you think the beating is going to do? 570 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,040 Speaker 1: Do you think that's going to prepare him for a 571 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:51,200 Speaker 1: world that will also probably beat him and be rude 572 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,840 Speaker 1: to him, or do you think that's going to make 573 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,359 Speaker 1: him harder? What do you think? And I think as 574 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,679 Speaker 1: you start to talk into it, it gives again that 575 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,919 Speaker 1: parents that space to say I don't really know, you know, 576 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,199 Speaker 1: I don't really understand, or yes, I think it is 577 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:04,840 Speaker 1: the way it's going to be. And I think we 578 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,199 Speaker 1: have to be really open to that widity of people 579 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,920 Speaker 1: feeling like this is how I'm experiencing the world and 580 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,960 Speaker 1: that's how I'm going to teach my children and then 581 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 1: having them talk through what does that do? What is 582 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,320 Speaker 1: the outcome? What? What do you want for your your son? 583 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,439 Speaker 1: What do you want for your black daughter? What do 584 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:25,080 Speaker 1: you want and then helping them find healthy ways to 585 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,639 Speaker 1: get them there that might not always you know, seem 586 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,520 Speaker 1: like you know the best ways. I know sometimes UM, 587 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,960 Speaker 1: our African American culture can kind of scoff at the 588 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,920 Speaker 1: parent and the positive parenting stuff because it feels like whitewashed. 589 00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:39,040 Speaker 1: But we really have to talk about what do you 590 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,159 Speaker 1: want for your children? How do you want them to 591 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,440 Speaker 1: show up in the world and talk to the parts 592 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,760 Speaker 1: of talk to shade in a way that it comes 593 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:48,800 Speaker 1: up for you. Yeah, I mean, and I do think 594 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,959 Speaker 1: you are offering a different framework for questions to have 595 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,200 Speaker 1: and you know, conversations to have with our children, because 596 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,560 Speaker 1: even in just observing online conversations, you can see like 597 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,639 Speaker 1: there's this delicate balance between UM, like how much do 598 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,920 Speaker 1: you step in I think especially UM with like black 599 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:09,680 Speaker 1: male children. UM. You know, like at what point do 600 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,439 Speaker 1: you kind of help them realize like how the world 601 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: sees them and like not want them to be shocked? 602 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:17,640 Speaker 1: You know. So it's almost like you want to kind 603 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:19,639 Speaker 1: of be able to kind of break the ugly truth 604 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:23,080 Speaker 1: to them before the world does. UM. And and and 605 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,359 Speaker 1: and honestly, I don't know the answers to that, you know, like, 606 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,080 Speaker 1: I don't know if it's better to kind of say, Okay, 607 00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:29,760 Speaker 1: this is kind of how you have to be prepared 608 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:32,040 Speaker 1: to show up in the world versus kind of letting 609 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 1: it happen, right, And if I can speak to that 610 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,760 Speaker 1: a little bit, I think that's the importance of having 611 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: that village. That's the importance of really creating these villages 612 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,800 Speaker 1: where we're not shaming parents, but we we give parents 613 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,360 Speaker 1: a space to do what you just said, which is 614 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:45,560 Speaker 1: I don't know when to break it to my black 615 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,160 Speaker 1: sons that the world is not going to see them 616 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:50,120 Speaker 1: the same way I do. When do I do that? 617 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 1: And to have that that community kind of village where 618 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:54,600 Speaker 1: we talk about how do we do that, do we 619 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:56,320 Speaker 1: do it now, do we do it later? How do 620 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,960 Speaker 1: we prepare them so they're not angry and they don't laugh? 621 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,200 Speaker 1: How does the world wants they find out? Like? How 622 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,240 Speaker 1: do we do that? And I think again that goes 623 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:06,000 Speaker 1: back to what I said about having more people of 624 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: color speaking about child raising practices, because we need more 625 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,760 Speaker 1: frameworks for that, we need more space for that. Yeah, 626 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,120 Speaker 1: So do you have some resources or other ideas about 627 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 1: like besides your book of course, um, you know, like 628 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 1: other people or other UM resources that people should be 629 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:26,560 Speaker 1: paying attention to. Well, there are two authors that I 630 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 1: like a lot. I think that they are starting to 631 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,840 Speaker 1: talk about it. So there is a Soda Kirkland and 632 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:33,920 Speaker 1: she has a book called Beating Black Children where it 633 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: talks about the culture of African Americans and spanking. And 634 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:40,840 Speaker 1: then there is another author. Her name is Dr Stacy 635 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:44,360 Speaker 1: haddn't Patterson Pattinson. I feel like I'm messing up her 636 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 1: last name, but her book is called Spare the Spare 637 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,560 Speaker 1: the Rod, or Spare the Child, and she again talks 638 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 1: about how spanking has kind of infiltrated its way into 639 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:54,960 Speaker 1: our culture and what and what kind of prescriptions we 640 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,120 Speaker 1: can do to get it out of our culture. Okay, perfect, 641 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:01,560 Speaker 1: perfect and any other like websites are like ted talks 642 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:04,880 Speaker 1: or any other things that you've heard or come across 643 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:06,720 Speaker 1: that you think would be helpful for people to get 644 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 1: more information and start kind of building this village and 645 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:13,200 Speaker 1: thinking differently about how we're parenting. So those two people 646 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,040 Speaker 1: I really like. I like um and it's not about parenting, 647 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:18,920 Speaker 1: But I really like Brne Brown her work around shame 648 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,880 Speaker 1: and how she's brought that to the line, Like shame 649 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,360 Speaker 1: and vulnerability. I think any of her talks are really 650 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: poignant and very insightful. And then there's another parenting author 651 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,960 Speaker 1: who is a woman of color herself, Dr Shofali Sabari, 652 00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,640 Speaker 1: and she also has her own books as well as 653 00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:35,880 Speaker 1: her own TED talks where she talks about conscious parenting 654 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:38,120 Speaker 1: and kind of some of the things that I've talked about. 655 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:41,160 Speaker 1: She also, you know, has coined and and began to 656 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,960 Speaker 1: talk about where it's about really honoring yourself first and 657 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,200 Speaker 1: then moving into how that looks in your parenting. So 658 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:52,360 Speaker 1: I do want to hear more Mercedes about like your practice, UM, 659 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,400 Speaker 1: and like what does this look like? When would parents 660 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,320 Speaker 1: typically contact you? UM, talk to me a little bit 661 00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:01,000 Speaker 1: about the work that you do. So I do a 662 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,600 Speaker 1: little bit of everything. Now I do a lot of speaking, 663 00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,200 Speaker 1: so I'm kind of increasing my speaking, so I've been 664 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 1: doing that more, a little bit more workshops. And then 665 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,680 Speaker 1: in terms of one on one UM, I haven't set 666 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:12,960 Speaker 1: up where parents can come to my website and they 667 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,440 Speaker 1: can schedule forty or five minutes sessions or sixty minutes 668 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,040 Speaker 1: sessions where we work virtually and we pretty much work 669 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:20,480 Speaker 1: on whatever it is that's bothering you in that moment, 670 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:22,960 Speaker 1: and we begin to talk about what it is that 671 00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 1: you know you can be, how you can shift your 672 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:27,920 Speaker 1: perspective so that way you can be more present and 673 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,720 Speaker 1: you can become more aware of how shame infiltrates your life. 674 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,920 Speaker 1: And then also how your own identity has to be 675 00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:37,719 Speaker 1: cultivated before you can start changing your child or fixing 676 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:40,160 Speaker 1: your child quote unquote. And so what I do with 677 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 1: that is I record each session. If you want the recording, 678 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,880 Speaker 1: I send it to you, and the week after we 679 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 1: have done our one on one session, you have unlimited 680 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,480 Speaker 1: text and email support from me as well. Nice, very nice. 681 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,760 Speaker 1: So what are some strategy? So let's say somebody grabs 682 00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:58,160 Speaker 1: a copy of your book, which I do encourage everyone 683 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,640 Speaker 1: to do. Um, they get a cop be of your book, 684 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:03,280 Speaker 1: what are some of the beginning strategies? Like, if I'm 685 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,000 Speaker 1: just starting out and I'm new to hearing about this 686 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:09,320 Speaker 1: shameproof parenting, Um, what are some of the beginning strategies 687 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,560 Speaker 1: you'd offer our parents to get started? I would say 688 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:14,480 Speaker 1: the first thing to do is to give yourself a 689 00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,400 Speaker 1: lot of empathy. UM, picking up any parenting book and 690 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,560 Speaker 1: deciding to change your parenting as a journey it is 691 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,920 Speaker 1: a lifelong journey, just like being a parent is a 692 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:25,280 Speaker 1: lifelong journey. So first tell yourself that this is a 693 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,920 Speaker 1: journey that I'm committed to, that I'm committed to changing. 694 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,800 Speaker 1: I'm committed to taking small steps each day, and I'm 695 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,880 Speaker 1: committed to giving myself empathy when i go back to 696 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:37,440 Speaker 1: doing some of my old stuff because I'm learning, I'm changing, 697 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,400 Speaker 1: I'm doing things differently. And I've seen that when parents 698 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:43,040 Speaker 1: do that for themselves, they have even more space to 699 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,120 Speaker 1: do it to their kids when their kids mess up 700 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,720 Speaker 1: or their kids make the wrong decisions. And so that's 701 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,960 Speaker 1: something that I think, no matter what you do in 702 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:52,440 Speaker 1: your parenting, if you can start with that empathy, and 703 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 1: even if you can start with that emotional intelligence, you're 704 00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:58,480 Speaker 1: really giving yourself and your child a great foundation to 705 00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:02,239 Speaker 1: manage conflict and behavior issues that might come up. That 706 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:04,840 Speaker 1: sounds great, That really sounds great. So it sounds like 707 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:08,000 Speaker 1: you're saying, um, you know, like, when we can stop 708 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:11,760 Speaker 1: shaming each other as parents, then we don't also, um, 709 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,560 Speaker 1: induce this sense of shame in our in our children. 710 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,960 Speaker 1: Because if it feels very circular, it is, well I 711 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,760 Speaker 1: think it is because when you are shaming yourself say 712 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:23,000 Speaker 1: I'm a horrible parent. Oh I yelled again. Oh I 713 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:26,360 Speaker 1: did this again. I suck. You have no space to 714 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,120 Speaker 1: give empathy to anyone else. You're really kind of filling 715 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,800 Speaker 1: your bucket with a lot of negativity. And if that's 716 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:34,560 Speaker 1: what you're doing, how can you give positivity from a 717 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,920 Speaker 1: bucket of negativity? Right that? It doesn't it's not It 718 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,160 Speaker 1: doesn't make any logical sense. So you have to start 719 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,479 Speaker 1: off with this idea of I'm going to take a 720 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:44,560 Speaker 1: step forward, even if I take a step back. Every 721 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:47,360 Speaker 1: time that I do that, say okay, Mercedes, you yelled, 722 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:49,400 Speaker 1: but you can say sorry, you can move forward and 723 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:51,480 Speaker 1: you can work on something else, like you have to 724 00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,880 Speaker 1: give yourself that space or else you'll constantly beat yourself 725 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,360 Speaker 1: up and then you'll constantly end up, you know, doing 726 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 1: the same thing to your kids. So I think, like 727 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 1: you said, it's a very cyclical relationship ship. So where 728 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:03,560 Speaker 1: can we find more information about you? Where can we 729 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:05,400 Speaker 1: get a copy of the book? How do we follow 730 00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:08,879 Speaker 1: you online? So you can pretty much start with all 731 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:13,160 Speaker 1: of that on my website shaneproof parenting dot com. On there, 732 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,799 Speaker 1: I have a link to get my book which is 733 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:17,360 Speaker 1: on Amazon and it will soon be on Barnes and 734 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,640 Speaker 1: Noble in the nook as well, and you will also 735 00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,800 Speaker 1: find all of my social media. You'll find my YouTube 736 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,000 Speaker 1: show The Family Couch, as well as all of my 737 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,520 Speaker 1: blogs and video blogs that I have right there from 738 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:30,040 Speaker 1: starting out at my website. Thank you so much for 739 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,680 Speaker 1: taking this time to chat with us, Mercedes. Thank you 740 00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:36,399 Speaker 1: so much for having me absolutely so. As you can tell, 741 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:39,239 Speaker 1: Mercedes has a lot of great ideas about how we 742 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:44,000 Speaker 1: can really transform our culture around parenting and UM reducing 743 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,120 Speaker 1: some of the shaming that we do of each other 744 00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:49,000 Speaker 1: as parents. So I hope that you will grab a 745 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,400 Speaker 1: copy of her book and read more about her thoughts. 746 00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:54,319 Speaker 1: I do really think that it will be UM a 747 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:57,640 Speaker 1: great thing to to introduce into your parenting style or 748 00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,520 Speaker 1: just to help you to expand your thinking about parenting 749 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,800 Speaker 1: and how we can have better relationships with our children. 750 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,200 Speaker 1: So please make sure to join me next week for 751 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:12,120 Speaker 1: our final episode of UM celebration of Mental Health Awareness Month. 752 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:15,440 Speaker 1: We will be talking all about the relationship with yourself. 753 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,880 Speaker 1: Please make sure to join the conversation over on social 754 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:23,239 Speaker 1: media and use the hashtag tv G in session. You 755 00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:26,759 Speaker 1: can find us on Facebook and Instagram at Therapy for 756 00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:29,719 Speaker 1: Black Girls, and you can find us on Twitter at 757 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:34,080 Speaker 1: Therapy for the Number four be Girls. Please make sure 758 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:36,480 Speaker 1: to share this episode in any of your other favorite 759 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:39,680 Speaker 1: episodes with the women in your life, and make sure 760 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:43,520 Speaker 1: to use the hashtag tb G In Session, I'm looking 761 00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:46,279 Speaker 1: forward to continue in this conversation with you real soon. 762 00:35:46,800 --> 00:36:05,840 Speaker 1: Take good care the doctors Choctor