WEBVTT - Is There Enough Love to Go Around? 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:03.600 It sounds pretty woo woo, but compassion actually is an 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:10.160 expandable resource. Practicing inclusion and validation means that people feel 0:00:10.200 --> 0:00:14.520 heard and heard, people hear people, which means the whole 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:16.840 culture starts to change from one of that vindictive how 0:00:16.920 --> 0:00:19.720 dare you feel that way? To at worst we get 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:25.599 a world built on neutral, impartial kindness. This is it's 0:00:25.600 --> 0:00:28.120 okay that you're not okay and I'm your host, Megan 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:31.920 Divine this week on the show of Valentine's Day Special, 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:35.559 but not in the way you might be thinking. The 0:00:35.600 --> 0:00:39.040 world is a pretty rough place right now, globally and interpersonally. 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:42.280 So this week we're going to talk about love, the 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:45.800 kind with a capital L suddenly and everybody. It's coming 0:00:45.880 --> 0:00:54.720 up right after this first break before we get started. 0:00:54.760 --> 0:00:58.520 Two quick notes. One, this episode is an encore performance. 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:01.120 I am on break working on a giant new project, 0:01:01.360 --> 0:01:03.840 so we're releasing a mix of our favorite episodes from 0:01:03.880 --> 0:01:07.319 the first three seasons of the show. This episode is 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:10.600 from season one, in which I answered listener questions, sometimes 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:13.000 on my own, sometimes for the guest. So if you 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:16.039 want more of these Q and A style episodes, you 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:19.120 can find the entire collection from season one wherever you 0:01:19.160 --> 0:01:23.040 get your podcasts. Second note, while we cover a lot 0:01:23.080 --> 0:01:26.319 of emotional relational territory in our time here together, this 0:01:26.400 --> 0:01:28.920 show is not a substitute for skilled support for the 0:01:28.959 --> 0:01:32.280 license mental health provider, or for professional supervision related to 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:34.600 your work. I really want you to take what you 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:37.360 learn here, take your thoughts and your reflections out into 0:01:37.440 --> 0:01:43.840 your own world, and talk about it all. Hy friends, 0:01:44.120 --> 0:01:47.319 it is time for February's made a holiday. Whether you 0:01:47.360 --> 0:01:51.280 celebrate Valentine's Day or not, all that gushy pink love 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:56.280 imagery is pretty inescapable now disclosure for me bit of 0:01:56.320 --> 0:02:00.200 a weirdo, but February fourteenth is a children's holiday. My 0:02:00.320 --> 0:02:02.640 mom loved any excuse to give us little presents, and 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:06.560 Valentine's Day was no exception. I associate it with childhood 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:10.000 bulk packs of cartoon Valentine's Day cards, cupcakes for class, 0:02:10.000 --> 0:02:12.360 that sort of thing I can totally see, like those 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:18.320 mid eighties cartoon Valentine's School packs. Anyway, dating myself as 0:02:18.360 --> 0:02:21.560 I always do as with most commercial holidays, I honestly 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:24.160 wouldn't notice Valentine's Day as a grown up if it 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:27.359 weren't for social media and advertising and my Netflix queue. 0:02:28.320 --> 0:02:32.560 But here we are. It's February fourteenth. I do know 0:02:32.639 --> 0:02:35.440 what day it is. It's a day assigned to love. 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:39.600 And since we've already got this date assigned as something special, 0:02:39.639 --> 0:02:42.919 I would personally like to claim February fourteenth, not for romance, 0:02:42.960 --> 0:02:46.760 but for all love. Just capitalize on that love element. 0:02:47.600 --> 0:02:50.560 A day to claim love wherever and whenever it can 0:02:50.600 --> 0:02:53.720 be found. I mean, if we've got a day dedicated 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:55.800 to love already, let's make it a real sacred occasion, 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.120 one that helps create the love filled world we all want. 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:02.080 That is a tall order. So how are we going 0:03:02.160 --> 0:03:05.080 to do that? I have given it some thought, and 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:09.000 I have a plan. Now. Grief is part of love, 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:11.200 so of course we are going to talk about grief today. 0:03:11.200 --> 0:03:15.080 No surprises there. I can make anything about grief everybody. 0:03:15.760 --> 0:03:17.919 We're also going to talk a little bit about navigating 0:03:17.960 --> 0:03:20.560 clinical concerns as they relate to love. And we're going 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:23.119 to throw in a little bit of social justice here too, 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:28.280 because what is justice but love in action. That we 0:03:28.360 --> 0:03:30.800 have got an episode suitable for February fourteenth, and we 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:34.520 won't even need conversation hearts to do it. Although I 0:03:34.600 --> 0:03:38.040 really like conversation. Hearts, especially the purple ones, do not 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:43.160 at me. The purple ones are delicious, okay, listener question 0:03:43.480 --> 0:03:46.080 number one everybody to get us into this big, messy 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:50.040 juggernaut of love. So this listener wrote, I work with 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:52.200 a lot of clients in the middle of divorces and 0:03:52.280 --> 0:03:55.960 other separations. I also have a few clients whose partners died, 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:58.040 so I get to hear both kinds of loss, death 0:03:58.160 --> 0:04:01.520 and divorce. Most of my divorcing clients have compared their 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:05.520 losses to death at least once, while the widowed people 0:04:05.600 --> 0:04:08.320 have all complained that way too many people compare death 0:04:08.360 --> 0:04:10.160 to divorce, and I feel like I have this weird 0:04:10.200 --> 0:04:14.440 split vision going on. Death isn't the same as divorce. 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:18.560 But is it okay that the people facing divorce think 0:04:18.560 --> 0:04:20.560 they're the same. They like talk about them as though 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:23.480 they're the same. Should I be saying something about this 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:25.240 to any of my clients or should I just let 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:29.200 it be? Okay? I love this question. This is an 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:33.320 exceptionally sticky and multi layered, complicated question, and I love 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:37.400 questions like that. So comparing losses happens all the time 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:40.640 with all kinds of loss. If your partner died. It's 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:43.200 pretty much guaranteed that somebody will say, hey, I got divorced, 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:46.200 I know exactly how you feel. If you're getting divorced, 0:04:46.240 --> 0:04:48.719 it is pretty much guaranteed that someone else will have 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:52.239 their own divorce story, which, although it is absolutely nothing 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:54.760 like your own experience, will cause them to say I 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:59.440 know just how you feel. Comparing and conflating losses is 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:02.560 so com If you're a therapist or a doc or 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:05.240 somebody else in a helper role, you've probably fielded a 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:09.760 complaint like this. People feeling like their loss gets downgraded 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:15.520 in some kind of weird emotional competitive one upmanship. Unsolicited 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:18.799 comparisons happen all the time, and they turn ugly really 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:24.160 really fast. So for this listener, they've got clients who 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:27.840 are divorcing comparing their divorces to death, and people who 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:30.000 are living through the death of their partner feeling pissed 0:05:30.040 --> 0:05:33.720 off that people keep comparing their death to divorce. It's 0:05:33.760 --> 0:05:36.599 probably not the same people, though, right. I mean, this 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:39.720 listener didn't clarify, but I feel like comparing divorce and 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:42.159 death is so common. I'm assuming this clinician's clients don't 0:05:42.160 --> 0:05:44.440 all know each other and they're all just like complaining 0:05:44.720 --> 0:05:47.320 about each other in their individual sessions. That would be 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:51.000 weird and probably have some ethical concerns to it. But 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:53.719 before we talk about whether this listener should bring this 0:05:53.800 --> 0:05:57.120 thing up with their clients, we should really talk about 0:05:57.160 --> 0:06:02.360 comparing losses in general and why that's a bad idea. 0:06:02.880 --> 0:06:06.960 Might not be immediately clear why this death divorce thing 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:10.080 is a problem. I'm going to give you another example 0:06:10.160 --> 0:06:14.480 using losses that get compared badly all the time, animals 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:19.919 versus people. So let's say that you learn that a 0:06:19.960 --> 0:06:23.080 colleague's baby died at thirty nine weeks with no known cause, 0:06:23.560 --> 0:06:25.440 and you want to comfort them. You want to let 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:27.200 them know it's okay to feel sad, help them feel 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:31.279 less alone, all the good supportive person things. So you say, 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:34.359 I know exactly how you feel. My dog died a 0:06:34.360 --> 0:06:38.520 few years ago and it was awful. Okay. So for 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:41.560 the person whose baby just died, they don't hear that 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:45.440 comment as supportive. They hear that your dog is just 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:49.040 as important as their child. I will tell you that 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:52.640 dog baby comparisons are never going to turn out okay. Ever, 0:06:53.960 --> 0:06:55.760 But if we point that out to the person whose 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:58.440 dog died, like we say something like, hey, that's not 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:01.200 a comparison that really helps hear kind of apples and oranges. 0:07:01.920 --> 0:07:05.359 The person who's grieving the loss of their dog gets defensive, like, 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:08.080 wait a minute, you're saying that a loss of my 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:10.720 dog isn't as important as their baby, And my dog 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:13.480 was my family. How dare you say my loss wasn't important? 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:16.920 Do you see how terrible this gets in like less 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:19.160 than a minute. Whenever I describe this, I see that 0:07:19.280 --> 0:07:22.320 old Bugs Bunny cartoon where like somebody pulls out a gun, 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:23.640 and the other one pulls out a bigger gun, and 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:25.320 then a bigger gun and a big like it just 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:32.360 gets bad fast. The death of a pet is an undervalued, 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:37.880 frequently dismissed, even ridiculed loss. So if we even suggest 0:07:38.160 --> 0:07:40.760 that maybe it's not so cool to compare the loss 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:43.680 of a dog with a loss of a child, we 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:49.920 are stepping into battle. And what is that battle? Over compassion? 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:55.960 We undervalue grief of all kinds in this culture, which 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.640 means most people feel like they have to defend their grief. 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:04.280 And by grief here I mean all of it. Everyday stressors, divorces, breakups, 0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:07.680 death of humans, death of not humans, job loss, illness, injury, 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:12.720 all of it. Because we undervalue grief and emotional pain 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:17.720 of all kinds. Most people feel undersupported just on a 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:24.240 regular basis. There's not enough compassion to go around. Compassion 0:08:24.880 --> 0:08:29.240 is a scarce resource. And what do we do with 0:08:29.320 --> 0:08:34.400 a scarce resource? We fight over it. We fight over oil, 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:40.480 we fight over water, we fight over clean air, and 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:45.800 we fight over compassion. Your divorce can't possibly be as 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.320 bad as my death. The death of your dog isn't 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:50.360 as bad as the death of my friend. Your diagnosis 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:52.520 isn't as bad as my diagnosis. You think you're having 0:08:52.520 --> 0:08:55.960 a bad day, Mine is so much worse. We get 0:08:55.960 --> 0:09:00.000 this almost like, how dare you approach to other people's pain? 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:03.320 You don't get to be sad about this thing, because 0:09:03.320 --> 0:09:06.080 if we start allocating support to you, there won't be 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.720 enough support left for me, and I already feel alone 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:12.560 in all this. If we have to start talking about 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:15.000 your pain, then we have to stop talking about my pain, 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:17.000 and I already feel like I'm getting by with scraps 0:09:17.000 --> 0:09:20.600 from the people I care about. I mean, that kind 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:23.120 of sounds bleak, like maybe I'm overreacting here, But if 0:09:23.160 --> 0:09:25.080 you think about it, if you really think about it, 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:30.320 we do actually treat compassion like pie, like a finite resource. 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:34.200 You give away too much and you get nothing. The 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:36.439 stakes are a little bit higher here than they are 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.520 with your favorite coconut cream pie. But still, it's not 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:43.080 just when somebody compares their loss to our loss that 0:09:43.120 --> 0:09:45.200 we freak out like this. It's a general way of life. 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:48.480 A lot of the time we make fun of the 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:50.679 way people react to the death of a musician or 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:54.200 an actor. We get all huffy when people are stressed 0:09:54.240 --> 0:09:56.040 out over not fitting into their favorite genes. When there 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:58.120 are people starving in the world, How dare they be 0:09:58.200 --> 0:10:01.200 upset about something so little? There are important issues and 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:04.680 losses to focus on. We can't waste compassion on these 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:11.000 things that don't count. We've got so little compassion and 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:14.960 tolerance for other people's pain, it's no wonder we fight 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:22.520 over who deserves it. Here's the thing, compassion is an 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:27.800 abundant resource. We just don't treat it that way. There's 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:30.560 actually plenty of love and compassion to go around if 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:35.439 we just stop hoarding it. There's more than enough love 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:40.760 and acceptance and compassion for everybody. If we treat compassion 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:45.760 like the abundant resource. It already is. It's not pie. 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:51.640 We won't run out. And that means getting back to 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:53.720 our theme of the day here, that we have to 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:58.080 start being generous with love. If you want a world 0:10:58.600 --> 0:11:02.000 where there is enough love and compassion for your losses 0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:06.000 for your life, you have to start creating that world 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:10.240 by extending love and compassion for all losses, even the 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:13.199 ones you don't understand, even the ones you don't think 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:17.520 are important, even the ones you don't see as valid. 0:11:18.760 --> 0:11:21.680 If we're able to offer compassion to everyone without asking 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:24.880 them to prove that their pain is good enough or valid, 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:27.040 then we start to get the world that we all want, 0:11:27.040 --> 0:11:29.640 which is a world where there is enough compassion and 0:11:29.679 --> 0:11:35.240 love and understanding for everybody. If compassion is freely available, 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:39.839 no one needs to fight over it. That is the 0:11:39.920 --> 0:11:44.920 end goal. That is my personal plan for world domination. 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:48.280 No one needs to defend their right to exist and 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:51.479 to feel because there is no shortage of love and compassion. 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:55.040 My Goofy example, no one fights over toothpaste, do they. 0:11:56.040 --> 0:12:00.679 There is toothpaste everywhere, no one fights over it. I 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:07.120 want that for compassion and love. Now I realized I 0:12:07.120 --> 0:12:09.280 didn't actually answer this listener's question. Yet I went on 0:12:09.280 --> 0:12:13.240 a rant instead, a compassion and resource guarding love based rant. 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:17.280 So to briefly answer this clinician's question, I don't think 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:19.200 you need to bring all of this up in session 0:12:19.240 --> 0:12:21.640 in order to point out the not so cool conflation 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:25.559 of losses. However, it is something to keep in mind 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:29.280 as a possible line of self inquiry for your clients. 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:33.160 Do your clients facing divorce feel like comparing it to 0:12:33.200 --> 0:12:37.520 death makes their loss more legitimate somehow? Do your widowed 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:40.360 clients feel like these comparisons take away from the already 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:42.760 scarce resource of love and support they feel like they 0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:49.040 have around them. All good questions, not solutions, but good 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:54.240 questions with the side benefit of some subtle education around 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:57.439 the mechanisms underneath these comparisons we make without really thinking 0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:01.520 about them. That is kind of my job here, to 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:03.440 make you look under the surface of things you don't 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:05.760 even pay attention to and see what's really driving the 0:13:05.800 --> 0:13:11.120 emotional relational bus, so to speak. Love is a lot. 0:13:11.960 --> 0:13:15.200 It is not exactly the simplistic, soft focused, pink pastel 0:13:15.280 --> 0:13:18.840 thing the marketers use this time of year, but love 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:23.240 is ferocious. Coming up next, everybody, I will tell you 0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:25.720 what to do when somebody tries to conflate their loss 0:13:25.720 --> 0:13:29.080 with yours. Since you are now all newly deputized to 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:31.720 be less defensive and more inclusive in the service of 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:35.760 a more abundantly compassionate world, We'll be right back after 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:47.640 this break. Welcome back, friends. Hopefully you have taken a 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:51.160 minute to adjust and settle down if you were personally 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:54.679 feeling defensive with all of my talk about grief comparisons 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:59.080 and treating compassion as an abundant resource. It's important to 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:04.679 remember here that all loss is valid, all personal experience 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:09.679 is valid, and no matter what the loss is, everybody 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:12.160 gets to have their own loss be the worst loss 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:17.600 in the world because for them it is. If we're 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:19.920 doing this new thing that I've been talking about, where 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:23.000 we seed compassion in the world, you can let other 0:14:23.040 --> 0:14:25.600 people's losses be the worst loss in the world for 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:28.960 them because it is. Actually I have another dog related 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:31.560 metaphor that I just thought up in my head, so 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:35.920 I have the best dog in the world. My co 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:40.040 producer Tanya here also has the best dog in the world. 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:42.760 We are not going to fight about who's correct, because 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:45.800 we are both correct. This is what I'm talking about 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:48.200 with all loss being valid, everybody gets to have their 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:50.440 own loss be the worst loss in the world because 0:14:50.440 --> 0:14:54.880 for them it is true. We can even extend this 0:14:54.920 --> 0:14:59.520 whole compassion thing to inclusion and social justice issues. You 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:02.120 don't have to understand the experience of systemic racism if 0:15:02.160 --> 0:15:04.640 you aren't a person of color in order to extend 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:09.520 love and compassion to others. If you don't quite get 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:13.280 the whole rigamarole around the gender spectrum, you can extend 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:15.880 love and compassion to the trans and gender fluid communities, 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.720 supporting them through the challenges of being alive in different bodies. 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:21.880 You see where I'm going with this, Everybody, If you 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:26.800 hoard compassion, you get a world of scarcity where you 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:30.040 are always on the lookout for wasted support, wasted in 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:34.000 air quotes, You're always on the lookout for inappropriate uses 0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:36.720 of compassion just to ensure there's enough leftover for you. 0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:40.480 There will never be enough in that kind of world. 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:44.320 You'll always end up insisting that somebody else should be 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:47.960 left out. We have to compete like that when there 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:51.760 can only be one winner, one winner of the Love 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:56.000 and Support Prize. That is a small and ungenerous world 0:15:56.040 --> 0:16:00.880 to live in everybody. If you want want a beautiful 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:03.520 world where compassion is everywhere and you get to have 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:06.640 enough for your own needs, where your own compassion cup 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:11.520 runneth over, you have to help build that world. You 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:14.680 have to treat compassion like the abundant resource it is 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:17.840 and share it widely, broadcast that stuff like frog eggs 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:20.680 like more than enough to ensure the continuation of the species. 0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:24.200 You don't have to agree with somebody in order to 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:28.760 believe in their right to love and care. It sounds 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:33.000 pretty woo woo, but compassion actually is an expandable resource. 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:38.200 Practicing inclusion and validation means that people feel heard and 0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:42.640 heard people hear people, which means the whole culture starts 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:44.680 to change from one of that vindictive how dare you 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:47.640 feel that way? To At worst, I mean worst case 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:50.880 scenario if we start seeding this kind of compassion and love. 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.440 Worst case scenario is we get a world built on neutral, 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:59.120 impartial kindness. Best case scenario, being generous like this creates 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:05.679 a world built and sustained by love. Happy Valentine's Day. 0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:09.320 I'm not saying you just need to smile and nod 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:11.720 when somebody tells you that their loss is exactly the 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:16.840 same as yours. That conflation of personal experience is never helpful, 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:18.919 not across types of loss, and not even in the 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:23.800 same kind of loss. This whole loss comparison conflation compassion 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:26.080 thing is a frustration point a lot of you share, 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:28.560 So if you need a comeback to a grief comparison 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:30.919 of any kind, you can always go with something like, 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:34.159 I appreciate the gesture, but comparing losses doesn't feel useful 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:37.159 to me at this time, or whatever. Sound like you 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:39.840 and not like me, but something clear and kind to 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:45.159 change the subject or end the conversation. Being compassionate doesn't 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:48.080 mean that you still have to participate in unhelpful comparisons 0:17:48.160 --> 0:17:52.240 or other rude behavior. My point here with this little 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:55.960 tangent is that you don't need to conflate compassion with 0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:59.960 permission for somebody to be shitty. You can start treating 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:04.280 compassion like an abundant resource and have stellar boundaries at 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:08.679 the same time. Just because you understand where somebody is 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:10.960 coming from does not mean you have to go there 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:16.520 with them. Advocate for yourself where you need to self love. 0:18:16.720 --> 0:18:19.960 Self advocacy actually increases the amount of compassion in the 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:22.480 world too, and clear boundaries are an act of love. 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:27.520 That's a whole episode for another day. But don't conflate 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:32.160 compassion with letting somebody just be a jerk. Those two 0:18:32.200 --> 0:18:36.920 things are not the same. Show yourself some compassion too. 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:40.959 That's part of building that world that we want. So 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:45.200 as we start winding down this particular episode on love, 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:48.600 with all of its messiness and its combat zones and 0:18:48.680 --> 0:18:52.000 its skirmishes over resources, none of that stuff makes it 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:54.520 onto the Hallmark cards. I want to bring in one 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:59.840 more love related concept, suitable for Valentine's Day and every day, 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:04.800 looking for love in all the right places, and by 0:19:04.880 --> 0:19:09.800 right places I mean all of them, all of the places. 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:13.199 One of my teachers has this core practice of asking, 0:19:13.280 --> 0:19:17.920 in any difficulty, is their love available here? He doesn't 0:19:17.920 --> 0:19:20.080 ask it like an admonishment like look on the bright 0:19:20.119 --> 0:19:22.639 side or look for the like, not that stuff, but 0:19:22.680 --> 0:19:26.359 as an actual, true question, is their love available here 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.760 in this moment? If we're talking about compassion as a 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:33.000 force for good in the world, what we're really talking 0:19:33.000 --> 0:19:39.679 about is love. Is their love available here in our 0:19:39.720 --> 0:19:44.359 own losses, in these conflict zones between humans, in the 0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:49.080 impossible things we face every day, is their Love available here. 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:53.680 I mean, I say I'm kind of anti Valentine's Day, 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:56.800 but I'm actually very into love, so maybe that makes 0:19:56.840 --> 0:20:01.040 me a romantic. Honestly, I think love is the only 0:20:01.119 --> 0:20:04.720 thing big enough to face this world with all of 0:20:04.720 --> 0:20:08.919 its bullshit and stress and difficulty and beauty. As Carl 0:20:09.000 --> 0:20:12.720 Sagan said, for small creatures such as we, the vastness 0:20:12.800 --> 0:20:16.639 is bearable only through love. I mean, I make myself 0:20:16.680 --> 0:20:18.600 cry all the time. How can I not be a 0:20:18.680 --> 0:20:24.520 romantic sap about love? Truly? I am a romantic and 0:20:24.600 --> 0:20:27.240 I love quoting cool people, so I can keep bringing 0:20:27.280 --> 0:20:30.359 you quotes at questions on love all day long. Even 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:32.680 though I just gave you a new question to help 0:20:32.680 --> 0:20:35.320 you lean into love wherever you find yourself that whole 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:39.560 is love available here? Question? I haven't even given you 0:20:39.600 --> 0:20:42.359 the official questions to carry with you for this week. 0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:48.359 Stay tuned, everybody, Those love related questions are coming right 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:59.000 up after this break. Each week I leave you with 0:20:59.040 --> 0:21:01.520 some questions to care with you until we meet again. 0:21:02.240 --> 0:21:04.679 It's part of this whole. This weird stuff gets easier 0:21:04.680 --> 0:21:10.320 with practicing this week. Where is the love for your 0:21:10.359 --> 0:21:12.800 homework this week or your practice? If you'd rather not 0:21:12.880 --> 0:21:16.560 think about it as homework. You're not getting graded. Seed 0:21:16.640 --> 0:21:19.840 some love in the world, Like it doesn't always have 0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:22.919 to be this grand gesture, this building the whole world 0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:25.119 we want thing, even though I just talked that up 0:21:25.160 --> 0:21:27.760 for the last twenty five minutes, Like, it doesn't have 0:21:27.840 --> 0:21:31.840 to be the grand gesture. What small actions can you 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:35.080 take this week to make the world the kind of loving, inclusive, 0:21:35.160 --> 0:21:39.480 supportive place you want to live in. If you're stuck, 0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:42.360 think about what you want for yourself and then go 0:21:42.400 --> 0:21:46.120 give some of that to the world. Acknowledge somebody's sadness. 0:21:46.760 --> 0:21:50.520 Acknowledge somebody's recent accomplishments, hold the door for the person 0:21:50.520 --> 0:21:54.280 behind you. Catch yourself when you hear someone saying they're 0:21:54.359 --> 0:21:57.280 upset about something you would normally think is no big deal, 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:03.040 and replace that judgment with a more passionate, inclusive thought. 0:22:03.520 --> 0:22:05.400 I'm sticking that one in there because that's the really 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:07.560 hard one to practice. It means you have to pay 0:22:07.600 --> 0:22:12.720 attention to your sort of unconscious, impulsive judgments. So I'm 0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:14.879 going to read it to you again, because that's the 0:22:14.960 --> 0:22:19.639 real homework assignment. Catch yourself when you hear someone saying 0:22:19.760 --> 0:22:22.320 they're upset about something you would normally think is no 0:22:22.400 --> 0:22:25.880 big deal, and replace that judgment with a more compassionate, 0:22:26.080 --> 0:22:31.679 inclusive thought. Try treating compassion as the abundant resource it 0:22:31.760 --> 0:22:34.520 is and see what happens. Be a good scientist, run 0:22:34.560 --> 0:22:37.639 the experiment. You can even play with that question my 0:22:37.680 --> 0:22:41.720 teacher asks, is their love available here? Give it a go. 0:22:42.800 --> 0:22:46.320 Let me know how it works. I mean with everything, everybody, 0:22:46.359 --> 0:22:49.600 I am in this experiment with you. I am asking 0:22:49.640 --> 0:22:53.440 myself these same questions and doing these same homework assignments 0:22:53.800 --> 0:22:57.640 right alongside you. This is part of why I love 0:22:57.640 --> 0:23:02.800 this show and part of why questions. You know how 0:23:02.840 --> 0:23:04.960 most people are going to scan through their podcast app 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:06.800 looking for the next thing to listen to you when they 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:08.920 get to the show description for here after and think, 0:23:08.960 --> 0:23:11.359 I don't want to talk about that stuff. This is 0:23:11.400 --> 0:23:14.600 where you come in, my friends, your reviews. Let people 0:23:14.640 --> 0:23:17.240 know it really isn't all that bad in here. We 0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:19.560 talk about heavy stuff, sure, but it's in the service 0:23:19.600 --> 0:23:23.359 of making things better for everyone. So everyone needs to listen. 0:23:24.600 --> 0:23:26.960 Spread the word in your workplace, in your social world 0:23:27.000 --> 0:23:29.479 on social media and click through to leave a review. 0:23:30.080 --> 0:23:33.520 Subscribe to the show, download episodes, listen to the back 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:38.960 catalog and send in your questions. Grief education doesn't just 0:23:39.000 --> 0:23:42.360 belong to end of life issues. Life is full of losses, 0:23:42.480 --> 0:23:45.760 from everyday disappointments to events that clearly divide life into 0:23:45.800 --> 0:23:49.920 before and after. Learning how to talk about all that 0:23:50.240 --> 0:23:55.560 without cliches or platitudes or simplistic think positive posters or pink, 0:23:55.600 --> 0:24:01.760 fluffy Valentine hearts. That's an important skill for everyone. Find trainings, workshops, 0:24:01.800 --> 0:24:04.480 books and resources for every human trying to make their 0:24:04.480 --> 0:24:07.360 way in the world after something goes horribly wrong at 0:24:07.400 --> 0:24:12.680 Megandivine dot co. O Hereafter with Megan Divine is written 0:24:12.680 --> 0:24:15.840 and produced by me magn Divine. Executive producer is Amy 0:24:15.880 --> 0:24:19.840 Brown and Elizabeth Fozzio, Edited by Houston Tilley, with studio 0:24:19.880 --> 0:24:27.720 support by Chris Uran. Music provided by Wave Crush.