Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central now.
Speaker 2: Happy belated fourth of July everyone. I hope you had
Speaker 2: an amazing weekend, because mine.
Speaker 1: Truly was.
Speaker 2: I actually got asked to join Taylor Swift's squad. Yeah,
Speaker 2: she gives you the flag bikini when she sends the text.
Speaker 3: So that was really cool.
Speaker 2: And what a great holiday though, you know, getting the
Speaker 2: day off celebrating independence was the perfect time for America
Speaker 2: to achieve something historic, and.
Speaker 4: Joey Jaw's Chestnut has upset Matt Stony to regain the
Speaker 4: championship title at the annual July fourth hot Dog Eating
Speaker 4: Contest at Tony Highland. Chestnut down seventy hot dogs and
Speaker 4: buns in ten minutes.
Speaker 2: Seventy hot dog seventy Do you guys want to do?
Speaker 2: You know how many hot dogs? The winner eight in
Speaker 2: nineteen eighty Do you know me?
Speaker 5: Nine?
Speaker 2: Nine nine was enough to win you the title today?
Speaker 2: That's the average customer order, my friends. And what has
Speaker 2: changed not the human body, but man's will and determination.
Speaker 2: That's what makes America so great. An appetite for innovation
Speaker 2: in every realm. I mean, I'm jealous. We don't have
Speaker 2: eating contests in Africa. We don't like if you have food,
Speaker 2: you've already won.
Speaker 1: It's as simple as that.
Speaker 2: It's just that it's like, hey, you do you have
Speaker 2: hot dogs? Then you are there.
Speaker 4: We now.
Speaker 2: Let's check it on the traffic without very own where
Speaker 2: would junior?
Speaker 6: Everybody?
Speaker 1: Oh, it's not what's going on?
Speaker 2: It's up ah man, good to see him, see you?
Speaker 7: So what's that?
Speaker 1: What's happening with the traffic?
Speaker 6: Roy?
Speaker 1: I don't even think we need to talk about today.
Speaker 1: You never want to talk about the traffic, Roy, No,
Speaker 1: I do. I do want to talk about trave I
Speaker 1: want to talk about the weekend traffic, that holiday traffic
Speaker 1: that's gonna be wild. Okay, we don't need to talk
Speaker 1: about this. We need to talk about this weekend. It's
Speaker 1: gonna be a huge traffic. It is, it is, It's
Speaker 1: gonna be a lot of You just need to be
Speaker 1: wherever the traffic ain't. That's where you need to be.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, what yeah, Look, look, I just want to
Speaker 1: give people a couple of tips. I just want to
Speaker 1: give people a few tips on how to deal with
Speaker 1: the holiday traffic and the.
Speaker 2: Way which roads to go on and like that.
Speaker 1: We already know the basics, right, we already know. If
Speaker 1: you stuck on the freeway, you just take the shoulder
Speaker 1: and you drive on the shoulder. If if you're in
Speaker 1: a carpool lane, you just get you blow up the
Speaker 1: sex dolls and you put the sex dolls which in
Speaker 1: the carpool lane. If you got a rental car, you
Speaker 1: get the coverage. You bull those people out the way.
Speaker 1: Those are those are the bread and butter. But this traffic,
Speaker 1: Fourth of July traffic gonna be crazy. We gotta level up.
Speaker 1: You're stuck in traffic right now. Whatever street you on,
Speaker 1: call in like a fire or a heart attack or
Speaker 1: an emergency up the street where you're trying to go,
Speaker 1: and then follow the ambulance to wherever you need to go.
Speaker 1: You just follow the ambulance.
Speaker 8: That sounds crazy to me.
Speaker 1: That's I got that from Diehard three. It's a great movie.
Speaker 1: A lot of good traffic tips in that movie, like
Speaker 1: would you do that? That only works for a couple
Speaker 1: of miles. Yeah, that only works for a couple of miles.
Speaker 1: You know, if you're trying to go somewhere far, you
Speaker 1: have to call in eight nine tragedies to get to
Speaker 1: where you're going. So if you're trying to get far.
Speaker 1: It's got to be bigger than dealing with traffic. You
Speaker 1: got to avoid traffic altogether. Traffic, you gotta you gotta
Speaker 1: avoid traffic all together. Everybody talks about you know, the
Speaker 1: best way to avoid traffic is to leave early. Leave late.
Speaker 2: Oh you mean like like like eight pm, nine pm.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about for July fourth. Travel You should leave
Speaker 1: July tenth.
Speaker 8: Leave late, roy leave late, yeah, okay late late.
Speaker 2: Yeah, But then you miss the traffic. But you also
Speaker 2: missed July fourth, like the hot dogs, the fireworks. You
Speaker 2: miss it all.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you miss all of that, but you also miss
Speaker 1: sitting on your ass and a car for three and
Speaker 1: a half hours. You missed the traffic too. Re'st of
Speaker 1: beauty of your laugh off? What are you missing? What
Speaker 1: July fourth? What you missing?
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 6: What?
Speaker 9: What?
Speaker 1: What? What? You miss?
Speaker 6: Dog?
Speaker 10: What?
Speaker 8: The hot dog?
Speaker 1: This is America. Every day we eat a hot dog
Speaker 1: and try to blow up some shit. This is July
Speaker 1: for if it's just a reason to do what we
Speaker 1: was already doing. People was popping fireworks in the hood
Speaker 1: where I grew up all the time. Fireworks and barbecue
Speaker 1: is a regular occurl. Sorry, no, it's not something new Man.
Speaker 2: Okay, missed your life. Fourth, try escape your life. Fourth traffic.
Speaker 2: All right, that's that's a tip.
Speaker 1: So damn good tip. I don't like the judgement if
Speaker 1: your face right now.
Speaker 2: I'm not judging you. I just think it's weird, all.
Speaker 1: Right, I'm just but I'm look. It's just important over
Speaker 1: the holiday weekend that you stay safe. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Stay safe. You do your best to obey
Speaker 1: the speed limit. If you feel yourself drowsy, pull over,
Speaker 1: not drive drowsy, especially if you got kids in the car.
Speaker 1: If you got kids in the car and you're feeling drowsy,
Speaker 1: you pull over. Let them kids drive. Kids got to
Speaker 1: kick in and they got to pull. They weight, so
Speaker 1: you let them kids drive. If you just get in
Speaker 1: the back seat, get you some sleep. You got them
Speaker 1: sex dolls back there. Anyway, you to cuddle.
Speaker 8: Up Roy, that's illegal. That's a crime that comes if
Speaker 8: they record when they're eighteen. There ain't nobody tripping on,
Speaker 8: no kid hitting a couple so much. And six year
Speaker 8: old side swiped a couple of cars. No, nobody can't
Speaker 8: even getated to sealed the records. I'll teach you about
Speaker 8: that later.
Speaker 2: Oh, These are some fantastic tips. Where any anything else?
Speaker 1: You know what, man, I got a bounce. Man, I'm
Speaker 1: hitting down to Alabama for Fourth of July, and I
Speaker 1: think my son just pulled up. I got a it
Speaker 1: my son driving me?
Speaker 2: How old is your son?
Speaker 9: Ray eight?
Speaker 6: You know what?
Speaker 1: Right would Junior even reach the pedals? Though? You can
Speaker 1: reach the pedals though.
Speaker 3: No news show would be complete without a commentator who
Speaker 3: provides gentle insight into the heart of the American experience.
Speaker 3: That's why we have the Obie Award winning David Tel.
Speaker 11: Thanks John Well. This week marks the birth of a
Speaker 11: very special lady. She's over two hundred years old, a
Speaker 11: little dirty, rarely speaks English, but is no strangers to violence. No,
Speaker 11: I'm not talking about Fara Faucet. I'm talking about America,
Speaker 11: the fourth of July, the birth of our great nation. Now,
Speaker 11: for some people, Independence Day is nothing more than a
Speaker 11: movie where Will Smith saves the world by not singing.
Speaker 11: Well to me, it's about fireworks. But the FEDS they're
Speaker 11: trying to restrict the firework displays. And I say that's wrong.
Speaker 3: David, I'm in her up. After a series of accidents,
Speaker 3: authorities are just trying to create some safety measures.
Speaker 11: Oh really, well, yank my doodle. It's a dandy who
Speaker 11: never had a good time with a firework. Come on,
Speaker 11: raise your hook hand up in the air. Fireworks are great,
Speaker 11: especially for the kids. They get training for sounds and colors,
Speaker 11: they were later experienced during drug experiences, and they keep
Speaker 11: the fraud population and checked. The list goes on and on, John.
Speaker 3: That's very Dave, now very experienced. Off you, Dave. Aren't
Speaker 3: there safe for fireworks available? I mean, sparklers, for instance,
Speaker 3: are both safe and enjoyable if you will.
Speaker 11: Now you got it? Okay, good point, lady, Liberty. Sparklers
Speaker 11: are the gay cousin of the firework family. Come on,
Speaker 11: we're celebrating the country's independence, not your office Thames Birthday
Speaker 11: party at a TGI Fridays, Thanks Stewart.
Speaker 3: Okay, Regis, are you telling me that the best part
Speaker 3: of Fourth of July are explosive fireworks?
Speaker 11: Nobody likes to suck up? But I think you got it, Yes, fireworks.
Speaker 11: I think other lame holidays should have them too, like
Speaker 11: Groundhog Day. Throw a couple of M eight's in there,
Speaker 11: right That little buggle be coming out early Spring or Thanksgiving?
Speaker 11: Come on, Grandma will get to the point a little quicker,
Speaker 11: staring down the business end of a Roman candle. Fourth
Speaker 11: of July without fireworks is like Christmas without a tree,
Speaker 11: or the Puerto Rican Day parade without a video camera,
Speaker 11: or Valentine's Day without a hooker.
Speaker 9: That's right.
Speaker 11: Happy Birthday, America. I'll be in the van. Happy birthday
Speaker 11: to you, Dave.
Speaker 12: We'll be right back after that.
Speaker 7: July fourth. It's that glorious day when we celebrate America's
Speaker 7: independence from Great Britain. And it's also my birthday. I said,
Speaker 7: it's my birthday, and if y'all get me donuts again,
Speaker 7: I'm gonna hurt somebody. But despite that, there are black
Speaker 7: folks out there who have a complicated relationship with the
Speaker 7: fourth of July, you know, because of all the slavery
Speaker 7: and segregation and redlining and police brutality and Megan the
Speaker 7: Stallion not getting their respect she deserves. And I get that,
Speaker 7: But did you know that there was a time when
Speaker 7: July fourth was a very black holiday. In fact, there
Speaker 7: was a time when America thought black people celebrated July
Speaker 7: fourth a little too much. Here's the story. Before the
Speaker 7: Civil War, Independence day was a day for white people
Speaker 7: to celebrate by parading around town and getting wasted on
Speaker 7: cheap foods. It was basically a Patriots game for the
Speaker 7: original Patriots, but for the growing anti slavery movement, July
Speaker 7: fourth was a shameful day that represented America's hypocrisy, because
Speaker 7: how are you gonna celebrate freedom when you're chaining up
Speaker 7: millions of people. That's like Britney Spears, Dad's throwing a
Speaker 7: party because he can write his own checks. And no
Speaker 7: one expressed this anger better than Frederick Douglas in a
Speaker 7: speech he gave on July fourth, eighteen fifty two, where
Speaker 7: he told white Americans that the existence of slavery in
Speaker 7: this country brands your Republicanism as a sham, your humanity
Speaker 7: as a base pretense, and your Christianity as a lie.
Speaker 4: Dang.
Speaker 7: That was a read straight from the Library of Congress.
Speaker 7: Would have been like, yeah, and your wigs look gooovious,
Speaker 7: your petticoats smell like horseballs, and your wood teeth got
Speaker 7: termites with your all dying of consumption. Ass I know
Speaker 7: gout when I see it. But then the Civil War happened,
Speaker 7: and it completely flipped the script on July fourth, especially
Speaker 7: in the South, because now black people can actually celebrate freedom,
Speaker 7: and white Southerners were in no mood to celebrate the
Speaker 7: independence day of a country that had just whooked their asses.
Speaker 7: So suddenly Independence Day became an almost exclusively black holiday.
Speaker 7: In the former Confederacy. Black people had picnics, they watched fireworks.
Speaker 7: They recited the Emancipation Proclamation in the thirteenth Amendment, which
Speaker 7: sounds like fun except for reading all those documents. I
Speaker 7: don't know, maybe if they put like a beat to
Speaker 7: it or something.
Speaker 1: Neat the slavery No involunteer reserve touth except as punishment
Speaker 1: for crimes of the party shell exist within the United States.
Speaker 7: Now, it's no surprise that racist whites didn't like Black
Speaker 7: people celebrating their freedom from racist whites saw they decided
Speaker 7: to party at the stop. Starting in the eighteen seventies,
Speaker 7: white mobs began attacking black gatherings of July fourth, and
Speaker 7: soon state legislatures pass laws banning celebrations near black neighborhoods,
Speaker 7: pushing parades out of city limits, and even forbidding street
Speaker 7: fenders from setting up food saws and black areas. Do
Speaker 7: you know how racist you have to be to want
Speaker 7: less fun o cake. Basically, these racist warmakers were the
Speaker 7: original barbecue beaci and stopping Black celebrations with just one
Speaker 7: part of their century long struggle against black freedom and
Speaker 7: racial justice. So I don't know about you, but this
Speaker 7: July fourth, I'll be celebrating Independence Day as hard as
Speaker 7: I celebrate Juneteenth as a day of freedom for all Americans.
Speaker 7: Not just because it's fun, but also it's because I
Speaker 7: get to piss off all those dead racists watching from
Speaker 7: hell ay, and also because it's my birthday. Now give
Speaker 7: me all that funnel cake. Happy Independulta to everybody.
Speaker 9: It's the fourth of July, that time of year when
Speaker 9: Americans who don't watch MSNBC celebrate the nation's birthday. But
Speaker 9: no matter who you are, every American loves to celebrate
Speaker 9: in the stupidest way possible by blowing shit up. Yeah,
Speaker 9: I'm talking about fireworks. It's a tradition that goes back
Speaker 9: to when the Founding Fathers filled the Liberty Bell with
Speaker 9: m eighties, which is how it got that crack. Look
Speaker 9: it up, but believe it or not, setting off bombs
Speaker 9: for fun can also be dangerous, and most people are
Speaker 9: too stupid to realize it.
Speaker 6: According to the CPSC, in twenty eighteen, more than nine
Speaker 6: thousand were injured and fireworks related incidents, the majority in
Speaker 6: a thirty day period around July.
Speaker 13: Think the upmc mercy Burn Center, the Burn Prevention Network,
Speaker 13: and the City of Pittsburgh partnered up to show just
Speaker 13: how dangerous fireworks can really be.
Speaker 14: Right, Watch what happens to this child mannequin who's holding
Speaker 14: mortar rounds, the kind of mortar rounds you can buy
Speaker 14: a fireworks stand in many states. Watch what happens when
Speaker 14: we like the fuse. It takes about six seconds for
Speaker 14: him to get out of the way, and the blasts
Speaker 14: can be significant.
Speaker 9: Okay, look, if little Timmy over here is dumb enough
Speaker 9: to take fireworks to his hands, then he probably wasn't
Speaker 9: going to survive that long anyway. But he's not alone.
Speaker 9: Fireworks are basically a trap that humans fall for every year.
Speaker 9: It seems like a great idea. Oh wow, colors in
Speaker 9: the sky. The next thing you know, you're learning how
Speaker 9: to brush your teeth with your feet. By the way,
Speaker 9: can we leave watermelons out of this? I feel like
Speaker 9: half the global crop gets wasted on these stupid safety videos.
Speaker 9: I mean, if you're gonna blow up a fruit. At
Speaker 9: least do the wall of favor and go for a honeydew.
Speaker 9: That shit's disgusting.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 9: It would be bad enough if people were just burning
Speaker 9: themselves with fireworks, but pat this tradition is burning everything
Speaker 9: else too.
Speaker 6: Fireworks season is the most stressful for firefighters. According to
Speaker 6: the most recent data from the National Fire Protection Association,
Speaker 6: fireworks were to blame for an estimated nineteen thousand, five
Speaker 6: hundred fires reported to local fire departments nationwide in twenty eighteen.
Speaker 10: The National Safety Council says fireworks sort of blame forget this,
Speaker 10: more than eighteen thousand acres worth of wildfires each year,
Speaker 10: including thirteen hundred structure fires, three hundred vehicle fires, and
Speaker 10: nearly seventeen thousand other fires, and the Department of Forestry
Speaker 10: and Fire Management goes so far to say fireworks should
Speaker 10: never be used regardless of the time of year.
Speaker 9: Okay, you know your celebration of America is stupid when
Speaker 9: it looks exactly like a terrorist attack on America. There
Speaker 9: shouldn't be this much overlap between ISIS operation and your
Speaker 9: family barbecue. Fireworks are causing eighteen thousand acres of wildfires
Speaker 9: every year. That's messed up for the environment. And it's
Speaker 9: also not fair. Okay, no way, I'm gonna keep drinking
Speaker 9: through a paper straw while some guy's Roman candle is
Speaker 9: burning down the last redwood tree. And the thing about
Speaker 9: fireworks is that even when they work like they're supposed to,
Speaker 9: they're basically tortured devices for the only thing stupider than
Speaker 9: humans dogs.
Speaker 5: This Fourth of July holiday, roughly one pound of fireworks
Speaker 5: will be set off for every man, woman, and child
Speaker 5: in America and around the country. There will be thousands
Speaker 5: of dogs freaking out about it. The sounds of the
Speaker 5: explosions and the vibrations can really spook your pooch.
Speaker 1: We found videos all over social media of dogs freaking out.
Speaker 13: This giant pooch is terrified by loud fireworks and needs
Speaker 13: to be cuddled to calm down.
Speaker 1: This poor little guy found a strange place.
Speaker 8: To hide, climbing into the fridge.
Speaker 7: Are you afraid of the fireworks?
Speaker 13: A similar scene at this households as a dog finds
Speaker 13: sanctuary in the dryer.
Speaker 9: Good luck in their fire though. If you think fireworks
Speaker 9: are scary, way until someone bumps into the permanent press button.
Speaker 9: But look at what fireworks have done to our dogs.
Speaker 9: These things used to be wolves and now they're in therapy.
Speaker 9: And if you think I'm exaggerating, look at this.
Speaker 11: Todd hates fireworks almost as much as Max hates fireworks.
Speaker 1: Adaptive is clinically proven to help dogs cope around fireworks time.
Speaker 6: Find out more at adaptile dot com.
Speaker 9: Yeah, they had to put actual pharmaceutical research into solving
Speaker 9: canine firework anxiety. We could have had a cure for
Speaker 9: cancer by now if you weren't launching service to air
Speaker 9: missiles in your backyard. And as much as this is
Speaker 9: messing with dogs, who I really feel bad for is birds.
Speaker 9: Dogs are getting designer drugs that held them relax. Meanwhile,
Speaker 9: birds are up in the sky dodging rainbow balls of
Speaker 9: fire and nobody gives us shit because they can't play fetch.
Speaker 9: So fireworks are dangerous, they're destructive, and they're ruining our dogs.
Speaker 9: But luckily there's one piece of good news. This fourth of.
Speaker 13: July, America's facing get another shortage. This one might effect
Speaker 13: your Fourth of July. The fireworks industry is warning the
Speaker 13: supply ahead of Independence Day will be down about thirty
Speaker 13: percent because of supply chain issues, shoppers can expect the
Speaker 13: more limited selection, higher prices, or empty shelves.
Speaker 9: Thank you, broken supply chain, I know you finally pay
Speaker 9: off one day. All those months of wiping my ass
Speaker 9: with printed paper were worth it. So yeah, a few
Speaker 9: more ons than usual will be able to buy fireworks
Speaker 9: this year, and the ones that do will be paying
Speaker 9: extra for the opportunity to blow their fingers off. And
Speaker 9: if you ask me, that's something worth celebrating. Shut the
Speaker 9: fuck up.
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