WEBVTT - Laverne Cox Visits Jay Shetty’s On Purpose Podcast 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:04.280 Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which 0:00:04.320 --> 0:00:06.680 is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:09.119 that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:11.680 a day to day basis, many people don't know where 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:14.640 to turn or which tools can help. Over the past 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:17.320 couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:21.040 mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say, 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:24.040 fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:28.280 help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep, 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:31.479 and generally feel better in your daily life. So many 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:35.040 bite size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, 0:00:35.360 --> 0:00:39.200 along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:42.120 my seven minute daily series to help you live more 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:45.120 mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:49.040 Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:53.440 Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm dot com 0:00:53.479 --> 0:00:57.320 Forward slash jay for forty percent off. Calm your Mind, 0:00:57.680 --> 0:00:59.240 Change your Life? 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:03.000 Why God put me here on this planet? And how 0:01:03.040 --> 0:01:07.160 can I, in the face of all these things, rise 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:09.600 up and be there from myself as much as I 0:01:09.640 --> 0:01:13.000 can so that I am not a victim of any 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:13.200 of this. 0:01:14.160 --> 0:01:17.240 Hey everyone, I've got some huge news to share with you. 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:21.360 In the last ninety days, seventy nine point four percent 0:01:21.400 --> 0:01:24.720 of our audience came from viewers and listeners that are 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:28.480 not subscribed to this channel. There's research that shows that 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:31.199 if you want to create a habit, make it easy 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:35.039 to access. By hitting the subscribe button, you're creating a 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:39.480 habit of learning how to be happier, healthier, and more healed. 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:42.760 This would also mean the absolute world to me and 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:46.640 help us make better, bigger, brighter content for you and 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:48.560 the world. Subscribe right now. 0:01:48.880 --> 0:01:52.480 The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sheety, Jay 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:55.440 Shetty Sly, Jay set. 0:01:57.560 --> 0:02:00.880 Lemon. Welcome to On Purpose. Grateful to have you here. 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:03.440 I've looked forward to sitting with you for a long 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:06.480 long time, and so I really appreciate your space and 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:08.960 your energy and for you being here. And I want 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:12.359 to start off by asking you what childhood memory do 0:02:12.480 --> 0:02:16.239 you have that you feel has defined the person that 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:18.760 you are today or most defines the person you are today. 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:22.760 There's a few. There was a traumatic one that I 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:24.840 don't like to talk about that happened when I was 0:02:24.880 --> 0:02:30.080 two years old that was deeply traumatic that certainly shaped 0:02:31.040 --> 0:02:34.760 a lot of the trauma of my childhood, a lot 0:02:34.800 --> 0:02:39.120 of the shame based parts of my childhood. My first 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:42.679 interactions with children are the children when I was in 0:02:42.880 --> 0:02:45.280 sort of preschool, when I was probably five years old, 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:49.840 when I was bullied and called the F word and 0:02:49.919 --> 0:02:53.680 a sissy, and the kids that I acted like a girl. 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:56.080 I often say the irony of my life is when 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:58.679 I was a child, the kids called me a girl, 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:01.040 and as an adult people call me a man. That 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:05.079 I've transitioned and accepted my womanhood. That's interesting. So it's 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:08.799 interesting thinking that like other people told me, I was 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:12.359 a girl before I sort of fully was able to 0:03:12.440 --> 0:03:14.440 accept or reckon with it, and it wasn't a good 0:03:14.560 --> 0:03:16.880 positive thing, you know, right, because I was assigned mail 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:20.639 at birth as a transperson, being called a girl with 0:03:20.840 --> 0:03:24.120 sort of a bad thing in the eyes of the 0:03:24.200 --> 0:03:26.720 other children. So that's an early memory in terms of 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:31.760 interacting with other kids, and then dancing I am during 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:33.680 back in the day. I think, I don't know if 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:35.960 there's still physical education in schools, but I'm fifty one 0:03:36.000 --> 0:03:40.480 years old and we had pe physical education and during 0:03:40.600 --> 0:03:43.600 free play while the other kids were sort of playing sports. 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:46.240 I was off to the side, dancing by myself with 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:49.640 music in my head, and I would sort of have 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:53.520 characters that I would kind of portray through movement, and 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:56.640 I'd be imitating what I saw on television from Solid Gold. 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:00.520 For those people who are my age who know solid 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:02.760 Gold was this show in the eighties, was a countdown 0:04:02.800 --> 0:04:05.440 show that counted down the top hits of the week, 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:08.440 and they had solid Gold dancers, and there was this 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:12.120 beautiful black woman named Darcel Wynn who was the lead 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:14.280 Solid Gold dancer, and she had long hair sort of 0:04:14.360 --> 0:04:17.440 down to her knees, and she was so sexy and 0:04:17.760 --> 0:04:20.600 so vivacious, and so I was sort of pretending to 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:24.240 be Darcel as I danced in pe and free play 0:04:24.560 --> 0:04:29.479 and then church and speaking in church almost every Sunday. 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:33.000 My mother reminds me that I would summarize this Sunday 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:36.280 school lesson every Sunday, and Children's Day was like the 0:04:36.360 --> 0:04:39.000 fourth Sunday of every month, and I was always sort 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:43.320 of getting up and making speeches in church, and that 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:47.320 even though I'm not a religious person now I'm very spiritual. 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:52.760 Church was this performance opportunity. The religious part of it 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:56.520 wasn't affirming It was very shaming, but the performance part 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:59.760 of it was very affirming. Being told that I was 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:04.880 a speaker and that I was smart was something that 0:05:05.960 --> 0:05:08.640 dancing and starting to study dance in third grade and 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:13.200 doing talent shows and then being considered a smart kid 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:18.880 who spoke well became my identity in terms of how 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:24.320 I saw myself, in addition to the identity that was 0:05:24.360 --> 0:05:27.240 sort of placed on me that was from the other 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:30.719 kids and from my teachers, the bullied identity, the freak, 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:35.479 the sissy, the F word, the queer, all those identities 0:05:35.520 --> 0:05:38.400 that were stigmatized were sort of placed on me. But 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:43.640 I also won talent shows and was a good speaker. 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:48.000 And there's this one moment in seventh grade. I know 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:49.240 you asked for one childhood member. 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:50.479 I this is beautiful. 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.560 But there is one moment in seventh grade where I 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:59.680 ran for vice president of the student council and I 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:02.159 remember sort of doing the campaign. I made little flyers 0:06:02.240 --> 0:06:07.520 and stuff, and like I was this very by middle school, 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:10.000 I was dressing myself with things from the Salvation Army 0:06:10.200 --> 0:06:14.120 and they were it was not quite gender non conforming yet, 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:17.560 but it was going more in an androgynist direction, and 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:19.480 I was kind of this know it all kid. I 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:21.560 was like, you know, raising my hand. You know, to 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:23.640 be the first one to answer questions in class is 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:28.080 very annoying. And I was chased home from school every 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:30.440 day by kids who wanted to beat me up and 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:33.320 call it, you know, this is the F word, bullied 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:37.480 because I was very fim. But when the year that 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:39.840 I ran for student council president, we all got to 0:06:39.920 --> 0:06:43.440 make speeches, and right after the speeches, the kids voted, 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:48.240 and I remember the beginning of my speech was quality 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:52.400 is my principal and qualified is my attitude. I don't 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:55.680 know what I say after that, and I just remember 0:06:55.760 --> 0:06:59.040 the kids being like and they throwed it for me, 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:01.320 and I became visperate than in the student council. So 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:04.080 this kid that like no one liked, who they made 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:08.120 fun of, there was something about me speaking in this 0:07:08.360 --> 0:07:14.120 moment with this confidence and this sense of something I 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:17.920 don't know, maybe speaking in church every Sunday that they 0:07:18.080 --> 0:07:22.560 voted for me, and that was a really wonderful moment 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:26.360 of screw you to the kids. It's like they voted 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:28.880 for me, but like I was also like this kid 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:31.120 that everyone made fun of and didn't like. So there 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:33.640 was you know, and looking back, and I've talked to 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:36.360 very few people from middle school, but like I think, 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:39.120 even though they all sort of made fun of me, 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:41.920 there was an acknowledgement that there was talent and there 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:48.640 was intelligence there. And how wonderful, as traumatizing as my 0:07:48.760 --> 0:07:54.440 childhood was to create a sense of self it, you know, 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:58.200 reading drama of the Gifted Child, I understand that, you know, 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:01.120 in retrospect, my identity became a about accomplishment and not 0:08:01.160 --> 0:08:05.320 who I was authentically. But how wonderful to be a 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:07.960 kid who valued education because of my mother, who was 0:08:08.000 --> 0:08:11.040 a teacher, and had this identity that was attached to 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:18.040 accomplishments and intelligence and talent. That's a lovely thing, particularly 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:20.960 as I, you know, as a woman in the world 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:23.640 where so often now now fifty one year old woman 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:26.400 thinking about aging and who's an actress in Hollywood, and 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:28.560 so much of being a woman is about how we look, 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:33.800 and so much of how I grew up was about 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:38.480 my talent and intelligence and not that and that's a 0:08:38.520 --> 0:08:41.719 beautiful thing. That's a really really beautiful thing to have 0:08:41.880 --> 0:08:46.880 those things be valued and associate it with who you are. 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:49.560 And so as I, you know, sort of go into 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:52.720 the world and do a lot of different things, knowing 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:57.640 that I'm talented, knowing that I'm smart, and that because 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:00.439 of all that training in church and do in public 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:04.199 speaking competitions, and you know, valuing education is still being 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:09.559 just a student of so many different things that I 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:13.560 can lead with those things, and that that those are 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:17.800 the reasons why I've you know, gotten to where I am. 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:20.200 I think, you know, on God's time, not my time. 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:21.959 I thought it should have happened, you know, twenty five 0:09:22.040 --> 0:09:26.000 years ago, but it didn't happen till I was forty. 0:09:26.400 --> 0:09:32.160 But it did happened right on time and when there 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:35.959 was a sense of purpose attached to it and that 0:09:36.080 --> 0:09:38.520 there was something to say. And so that is my 0:09:38.920 --> 0:09:41.480 another intention of today is to try to say things 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:44.120 in a way that people can hear. I've been grappling 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:48.800 a lot with how sort of anti intellectual our world is. 0:09:49.280 --> 0:09:51.560 There's so many divides in this culture right now around 0:09:51.679 --> 0:09:54.679 you know, liberal and conservative and all that stuff, but 0:09:54.720 --> 0:09:56.600 it is one of the big ones is people who've 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:59.200 gone to college and who haven't and how they vote. 0:09:59.320 --> 0:10:02.440 You know, I think most non college educated people vote 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:04.679 for the Republican Party. And then I'm an actress, but 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:06.680 I talk in a way, you know, I'm an intersectional 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:08.800 feminist and I you know, read Belle Hooks and I 0:10:08.920 --> 0:10:10.880 just did a podcast episode dedicated to her, and I 0:10:11.000 --> 0:10:14.680 use phrases like imperless, white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy to evoke 0:10:14.760 --> 0:10:17.160 bell Hooks's work. So I talk in this way that's like, 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:22.640 that's not always accessible. So I want to be able 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:24.120 to meet people where they are, but I don't want 0:10:24.120 --> 0:10:27.920 to done myself down either. But I'm just aware of 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:32.760 the elitism tie to certain kinds of ways of speaking 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:36.920 and certain kinds of education. But I also am aware 0:10:37.040 --> 0:10:41.199 that language. Sometimes to be exacting with language, we have 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:46.240 to use words like patriarchy and white supremacy and heteronormativity, 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:49.760 you know, to really sort of talk about what's going 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:53.120 on or trauma or resilience. So sometimes to really be 0:10:53.280 --> 0:10:56.839 precise with language and exacting with language, you might come 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:01.280 across as a little bit elitist and grappling with that too, 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:04.640 just as someone now who has been a working class 0:11:04.679 --> 0:11:06.840 person until I was like in my forties and then 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:09.880 now you know, have some class privilege, So just grappling 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:13.840 with privilege. I'm constantly sort of grappling and questioning myself 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:18.319 and my positionality and trying to not be this that 0:11:18.480 --> 0:11:21.240 of touch Hollywood actress. 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:25.880 Thank you for connecting the dots for us. I could 0:11:25.920 --> 0:11:30.719 see how the experiences you were having back then you 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:32.800 can kind of draw that line, and I could see 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:34.600 you kind of connecting the dots in your own mind 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:37.920 to where you are today. And I love that you 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.800 present your experience as so much more of a paradox 0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:44.320 and a dichotomy as opposed to clarity, because I think 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:47.880 that clarity comes from the questioning and the curiosity that 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:50.959 you have about your own experience. Earlier, you used the 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:54.000 term you said you're learning to reparent. You're in a 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:56.680 child yes, And you could hear that in the way 0:11:56.679 --> 0:12:00.760 you were describing the journey so far. What are parts 0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:03.000 of yourself that you think you've spent the most time 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:05.360 reparenting or what does that look like? 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:08.000 So much of it is about how I framed my story. 0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:12.079 I'm a Brene Brown stand slash scholar. And when we 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:15.120 disown our stories, we're defined by them. When we own 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:17.480 our stories, we can write a brave new ending. And 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:21.079 so much and actually, interestingly enough, on the podcast, I 0:12:21.200 --> 0:12:23.040 was just watching one of your earlier podcasts when you 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:26.120 had Oprah on talking about what happened to me and 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:29.360 so much of the way I for many years, I 0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:32.839 had been in denial about all my childhood trauma. Like 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.640 I was in denial about the bullying and the straight 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:38.640 up violence I experienced as a child, a non performing child, 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:41.760 and so I needed to for many years to talk 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:45.199 about that. I needed to reckon with that and just 0:12:45.360 --> 0:12:48.880 acknowledge that it happened and feel the pain of that 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:52.040 that there was no tools to experience as a child. 0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:55.040 And then so I sort of went from that, you know, 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:57.880 the what happened to me? Well, actually I went I 0:12:58.040 --> 0:12:59.679 was what's wrong with me? And then I went to 0:12:59.800 --> 0:13:02.360 what happened to me? And then and now I'm in 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:05.520 its base of like was right with me? You know, 0:13:05.760 --> 0:13:09.640 and what happened that wasn't just traumatic but was affirming, 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:12.199 and that were resources and the things that sort of 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:15.040 helped me get through. I've been working with an amazing 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:17.599 therapist named Jennifer burn Flyer, who I interviewed on my 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:21.880 podcast twice in the first season, and we do somatic 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:24.840 work that is based in the community resiliency model from 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:26.840 the based on the Trauma Research Institute. 0:13:26.840 --> 0:13:29.160 Do you know this work I've heard I'm familiar with it, 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:30.240 but not well. 0:13:30.280 --> 0:13:32.920 But the Trauma Research Institute came up with this thing 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:36.160 called krim or, the Community Resiliency Model that is sort 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:39.560 of based in resilience, and it's sematic works. It's all 0:13:39.600 --> 0:13:42.040 about sensing into your body and there's six tools of that, 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:44.560 and so we've been I've been working with my therapist 0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:48.960 on sort of refiring and rewiring sort of the way 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:51.679 doctor joe It Spinza talks about it, and creating new 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:56.520 neurotransmitters in my nervous system and deepening my resilient zone. 0:13:56.640 --> 0:14:01.439 So there were things in my childhood that got me 0:14:01.559 --> 0:14:05.040 through my childhood. They're dancing and so. Yes, so acknowledge 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:07.800 that there was abuse and that there was bullying and 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:10.559 violence in my childhood, but there were also things that 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:14.600 got me through my life, art and dancing and reading 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:18.800 and performing, and those things continue to get me through, 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:21.400 So it becomes it's a both. And one of the 0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:25.240 tools of krim OR, the Community Resiliency Model is shift 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:27.880 and stay, and it's all about sensing into your body 0:14:27.880 --> 0:14:30.520 and shift and stay is about like I would go 0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:32.680 into a therapy session with Jennifer, and she would say, 0:14:32.720 --> 0:14:34.280 you know, how are you feeling today? And I was like, oh, 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:36.400 I'm a little anxious. And she'll ask me, where do 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:39.560 you feel that in your body? And often my anxiety 0:14:39.600 --> 0:14:42.360 sort of happens in my stomach. I'm feeling a little 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:44.400 bit of that now, I think, just because of being 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:48.240 in a podcast. And then she Jennifer will invite me, 0:14:48.400 --> 0:14:50.040 you know, is there somewhere in your body where it 0:14:50.040 --> 0:14:53.800 feels neutral or positive and right now it's my ankle, 0:14:54.480 --> 0:14:58.560 and she'll invite me to breathe into that and focus 0:14:58.640 --> 0:15:00.960 my attention instead of where it's anxious, but to focus 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.280 my attention on where it's neutral and positive. So I'm 0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:05.920 focusing and on my ankle right now, and then we 0:15:06.040 --> 0:15:10.120 just kind of focus the energy there and invariably, if 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:12.720 I can focus my energy in my body where it's 0:15:12.800 --> 0:15:17.920 neutral or positive, sometimes eventually the anxiety will dissipate, maybe 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:21.840 not completely, but it'll dissipate a little bit. And it's 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:24.520 about that's really about living in the both and in 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:28.680 our bodies, and it's a reminder that we become sort 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:32.120 of what we focus on too, literally in a somatic way. 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:34.520 Literally in our bodies. But I think in a sort 0:15:34.520 --> 0:15:38.160 of more global sense as well, we become the thing 0:15:38.240 --> 0:15:40.640 that we focus on. So and the tricky thing for 0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:45.360 me is in my attempts to do both, and I 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:51.000 do the and without the both, meaning I focus on 0:15:51.120 --> 0:15:53.440 the resilience, I focus on the neutral and the positive, 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:55.960 and I mean a little bit of denial of the 0:15:56.880 --> 0:15:59.480 of the challenge, of the anxiety, of the difficult thing 0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:01.120 that's going on in my body. And so I have 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:04.000 to be able to acknowledge that part too, and and 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:06.640 not just be in the resilience, because there's a bit 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:10.040 of denial there, and so I'm not in the full 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:12.040 truth of what's going on in my body, what's going 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:14.400 on with me in a moment. So being able to 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:18.720 like say, the anxiety, it is here. Maybe it's attached 0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:21.240 to a story, maybe it's not. Sometimes it's just a feeling. 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:24.080 Sometimes it's not necessarily attached to a story. Often it 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:27.920 is or thought. And then go to the end, go 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:30.880 to that neutral or positive place, the resilient place, the 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:33.080 thing that brings me joy, but making sure that I 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:36.040 don't skip the difficulty that might be going on too 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:39.880 then be slipping into denial A little bit and you 0:16:40.080 --> 0:16:41.440 and an effort to just sort of be. 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:42.520 Positive all the time. 0:16:42.720 --> 0:16:44.560 Yeah, because that's just not real. 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:47.800 Absolutely, thank you so much for sharing that tool and technique. 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:50.480 I'm sure everyone's listening is going to try and practice 0:16:50.520 --> 0:16:51.240 that in their own way. 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:53.680 What is amazing last thing I'll say about KRIM or 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:56.200 the community resilience, it's these There are six tools as 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:58.720 an app called eye Chill which breaks down the six 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.640 tools and it's and it was advised by the Trauma 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:05.399 Research STASSU for people who might be you know, coming 0:17:05.640 --> 0:17:08.919 from veterans or police officers, people who are coming from 0:17:09.000 --> 0:17:11.880 very traumatic experiences that you can take into your community 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:15.600 and share tools that are very accessible. Doing it is 0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:18.280 not easy, but they're accessible tools. Shift and stay is 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.720 one of them. Resourcing with another one I mentioned gesturing 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:24.720 is another. Tracking is huge. You have to track what's 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:27.359 going on in your body. Help now. So these are 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:31.200 skills that are very accessible and that people can teach 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:34.320 to each other the practice of it. For me, the 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:37.000 biggest piece is slowing myself down to actually track what's 0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:40.280 going on in my body. And we all know that 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:42.920 book the body keeps the score and so no matter 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.200 what is going on intellectually and all the work. You know, 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:50.320 I've been in therapy for twenty three years now, that 0:17:51.200 --> 0:17:54.040 it has to land in the body. It has to 0:17:54.200 --> 0:17:58.200 be work, that it has to be somatic. It has 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:01.760 to be because our body. Eighty percent of our information 0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:04.000 comes from the body to the head and twenty percent 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:06.840 from the head to the body, right, And so no 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:09.320 matter how intellectual we are, no matter how much we 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:12.960 want to talk it through and understand it, our bodies 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:16.520 have to If there's trauma, if there's stress, our bodies 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:21.040 have to know it differently. Our bodies have to understand 0:18:22.760 --> 0:18:28.240 what a healthy connection or healthy attachment is. I have 0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:32.600 to know it in my nervous system. There's this knowing 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:35.480 and then there's like this knowing because of that thing. 0:18:35.560 --> 0:18:37.080 I mean, you've talked about it in your podcast. But 0:18:37.200 --> 0:18:41.040 so much happens in our lives preverbal between the ages 0:18:41.080 --> 0:18:43.880 of one and three, one and five, before we even 0:18:43.960 --> 0:18:47.680 have language, So many things will happen to us that 0:18:48.160 --> 0:18:52.520 we don't have words for that our nervous systems are 0:18:52.640 --> 0:18:57.440 tracking in those moments. And so the work of reparenting, 0:18:57.560 --> 0:19:01.239 the work of resetting the nerve system, of deepening our 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:05.199 resilient zone. It's about that that somatic, that pre verbal, 0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:09.399 that not even the prefrontal cortex, but that limpic brain, 0:19:09.560 --> 0:19:13.000 that that piece that's like that that reprogramming, that fight 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:18.159 flighter freeze so that we really deepen our resilient sound. Anyway, 0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:19.040 I could talk about. 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:23.200 This, No, No, genuinely, it's it's so helpful and so insightful, 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:25.080 and I know our community is going to love this 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:28.240 so far. But I want to go back to your comment. 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:31.320 And you mentioned a few times on how we like 0:19:31.440 --> 0:19:35.920 to deny certain experiences and uncomfortable things and difficult things, 0:19:36.000 --> 0:19:37.920 and I know that for a fact I've done that 0:19:38.080 --> 0:19:40.200 so much in my life physically as well. It's so 0:19:40.320 --> 0:19:43.520 easy to deny of physical pain thinking it's nothing, and 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:47.000 emotional pain sometimes even easier to do it with. But 0:19:47.960 --> 0:19:54.080 why is denial so unhealthy? And what parts of yourself 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:57.800 do you still find you may deny sometimes. 0:19:57.560 --> 0:19:59.680 Deny that is unhealthy because I mean, we're not living 0:19:59.680 --> 0:20:03.880 in the show truth for ourselves. And there's this line 0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:05.840 I think for Magnolia. You think you may be done 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:07.240 with the past, but the past isn't done with you. 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:13.399 That like, even when I'm in denial, there's still the 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:16.280 stuff is still operating in my life. Nadine Berg Harris 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:19.320 has a beautiful TED talk where she talks about adverse 0:20:19.400 --> 0:20:23.520 childhood experiences and there's this wonderful research about adversity in 0:20:23.640 --> 0:20:27.680 childhood and how excess doses of adversity is the way 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:30.040 she sort of puts it, in childhood can lead to 0:20:30.720 --> 0:20:35.200 physical literal like you know, sort of asthma, diabetes, all 0:20:35.280 --> 0:20:38.200 these health outcomes in children and then later in life, 0:20:38.560 --> 0:20:42.000 so that when we don't deal with psychologically and emotional things, 0:20:42.240 --> 0:20:46.160 they show up in our bodies in unhealthy ways. All 0:20:46.280 --> 0:20:49.040 these other different things. And so when we're in denial 0:20:49.359 --> 0:20:52.960 about a trauma we've experienced or something that is difficult 0:20:53.080 --> 0:20:55.639 for us that is happening in our bodies, and if 0:20:55.680 --> 0:20:58.080 we don't acknowledge it and release it, it has to go. 0:20:58.200 --> 0:20:59.960 It has to move through and out of the body. 0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:03.840 It can be deadly. Stress can be deadly. And my 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:07.399 therapist likes to talk about we talk about trauma resilience, 0:21:07.440 --> 0:21:09.760 but then there's different kinds of trauma and different levels 0:21:09.800 --> 0:21:13.639 and distressors. Right, stressors can like bump us out of 0:21:13.680 --> 0:21:16.280 there's an idea of the resilient zone. She sort of 0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:19.359 likes to encourage us to imagine like these two lines, 0:21:19.400 --> 0:21:22.080 and that our resilient zone sort of goes in waves 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:24.760 between these two lines. And then there's low zone, which 0:21:24.840 --> 0:21:26.600 is like she likes to think there's a house, and 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:29.760 our resilient zone is the ground floor. Low zone would 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:31.680 be the basement, and high zone would be the attic, 0:21:31.760 --> 0:21:33.680 and high zone is when we're in that fight flight 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:36.200 or freeze and we're anxious and we're stressed and we're 0:21:36.280 --> 0:21:39.600 just like and then low zone would be this kind 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:41.760 of like depressed, I don't want to get out of bed, 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:45.200 maybe I'm suicidal or I'm just like listless, and so 0:21:45.880 --> 0:21:48.440 we want to have deepening. Our resilience zone is about 0:21:48.440 --> 0:21:50.440 being able to go into lows and highs and be 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:54.240 in our and have emotions, but not be bumped into 0:21:54.320 --> 0:21:56.600 that high space or bumped into that low zone. And 0:21:56.760 --> 0:22:00.760 so if we are constantly in that high zone, and 0:22:00.880 --> 0:22:03.680 I've been constantly in that fight flight or freeze, I'd 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:06.040