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Speaker 1: My sister's kid sucks. There's no way around it. My

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Speaker 1: daughter thinks so too, and my sister's mad that I

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Speaker 1: just told her. Am I the act fule.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 3: There's a thing that we found on the show called

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Speaker 3: brutal honesty. Yeah, I'm just being brutally honest. I gotta

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Speaker 3: let you know that you suck. I don't care if

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Speaker 3: you're five. It's called constructive feedback. Come on, yeah, hi,

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Speaker 3: five year old, you suck.

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Speaker 2: Work on it.

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Speaker 4: Damn.

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Speaker 2: That's parents.

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Speaker 1: They'll go home and maybe be better exactly, or you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe we'll never see him again, as both ways possibility

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Speaker 1: if he does.

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Speaker 4: If it doesn't kill you, it makes me stronger.

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Speaker 2: That's what they say. There he goes, but.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes it kills you.

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Speaker 2: No, no, no, that's not what they say though. That's

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Speaker 2: not the same.

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Speaker 4: That is not the same.

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Speaker 2: That's not the same.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm trying to be strong.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we got all right.

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Speaker 1: My wife and her younger sister are best friends. As

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Speaker 1: a result. When our middle daughter and her cousin were

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Speaker 1: born around the same time, my wife really expected them

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Speaker 1: to also be best friends. With sixteen years of hindsight,

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Speaker 1: I can say it with certainty that the expectation was misplaced. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: much like the expectation that I would be spending my

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Speaker 1: month in Bali with my new Balanese girlfriend, Australian, myn

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Speaker 1: Australian girlfriend that is from b Yeah, girlfriend for Bali,

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Speaker 1: that's right. But alas, no muss, nothing happened. In particular,

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Speaker 1: my daughter just doesn't like her cousin. My wife keeps

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Speaker 1: pushing the relationship. This includes making my daughter spend time

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Speaker 1: with her cousin during family gatherings, inviting her cousin on trips.

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Speaker 4: Forcing my daughter to call her.

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Speaker 1: We're pretty sure I'm the favorite parent, a fact that

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Speaker 1: keeps my ego well inflated, and therefore my ampathy towards

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Speaker 1: the situation is not well received by my wife. From

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Speaker 1: my perspective, this isn't important, and I do not possess

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Speaker 1: the ability to make two teenagers become friends. I'm also

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Speaker 1: pretty sure that trying to push this kind of knuckleheaded

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Speaker 1: stuff on kids makes kids not want.

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Speaker 4: To speak to you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so this is where I'm probably the asshole. Yesterday,

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Speaker 1: my wife forced my daughter to video call her cousin.

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Speaker 1: My daughter rejected the request, and my wife told her,

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Speaker 1: unless you have a valid reason for disliking your cousin.

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Speaker 1: You will do this because we're family. This is so dumb. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: this is so dumb. Force friendship, I don't understand. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: just let happen naturally. Yeah, and maybe even happens naturally

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Speaker 1: could lead somewhere, but often it doesn't.

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Speaker 4: Night.

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Speaker 2: She wasn't used, She wasn't your cousin.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's true.

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Speaker 2: That's true.

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Speaker 1: Fuck, maybe she'd be dating my cousin. The call occurred

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Speaker 1: this morning. We awoke to a PowerPoint presentation titled valid

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Speaker 1: Reasons to Dislike my cousin, using clips from the zoom call.

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Speaker 1: Segments included why is cousin's voice so grading? A music

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Speaker 1: theory approach, a case study, conversations that provide no value,

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Speaker 1: rethinking the idea that there are no dumb questions, et cetera.

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Speaker 1: With the benefit of a couple hours of hindsight. It

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Speaker 1: was a very cruel takedown of her cousin's entire personality.

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Speaker 2: But this is hilarious.

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Speaker 4: I want to see that power point.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I'd want to soba.

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Speaker 1: My wife was furious my eldest daughter and I lost

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Speaker 1: her laughing. My wife is demanding I support her and

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Speaker 1: punishing my daughter for bullying her cousin. I have refused

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Speaker 1: because I feel this whole situation wouldn't have occurred if

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Speaker 1: she didn't push the relationship. But I'm starting to have

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Speaker 1: second thoughts because it was very mean, I guess, although

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Speaker 1: very funny.

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Speaker 4: Am I the appful question?

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Speaker 2: How old is the kid? Again? Like sixteen? Teenager?

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Speaker 4: The kid is a teenager, We're not sure of the age.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So I feel like there's you kind of reach

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Speaker 3: this point with your kid.

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Speaker 4: Like when they're like little and they're like, you know,

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Speaker 4: set up playing.

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Speaker 3: Well specifically with like the the bullying or like whatever

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Speaker 3: thing right, Like okay, Like, ah no, I don't say

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Speaker 3: many names once you get to like the later teenage years.

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Speaker 3: If I saw this, I would think it's funny and

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Speaker 3: like maybe it's kind of mean spirited, but.

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Speaker 1: I think it is mean spirited, though I would probably yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would probably say like, hey, like you know, you

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Speaker 1: might not want to hang out with your cousin, but

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Speaker 1: you shouldn't make.

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Speaker 4: Things like this.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, although the mom did set the kid up, like

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Speaker 1: why don't you want to hang out with your cousin?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: So I actually don't think the kid's aptful because of that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't think the kid's the app because they're trying

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Speaker 1: to force a relationship. Yes, that the kid doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to have, Yes, And so I don't think the kid's

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Speaker 1: the actual I don't think the dad is the aful. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think the mom's the apple for trying to force

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Speaker 1: a relationship.

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Speaker 4: But I don't know. I want to know what everyone

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Speaker 4: else thinks.

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Speaker 2: Definitely, let's know in the comments.

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Speaker 4: Never try to force relationship. Let it happened naturally.

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Speaker 3: Also, I would love to hear your most annoying family

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Speaker 3: member stories. Oh yeah, like I've people definitely got a

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Speaker 3: lot of those.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, for sure.

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Speaker 1: Remember my cousin Max used to I didn't even remember this,

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Speaker 1: but apparently Christian said he used to do this thing

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Speaker 1: like Max and I did not get along when we

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Speaker 1: were kids. We get along now, he's great, but in

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Speaker 1: middle school he would lick the bottom of his shoe

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Speaker 1: a lot.

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Speaker 4: I don't know as a performed those stunts.

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Speaker 1: I think, oh my god, I remember this, But Christian

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Speaker 1: brought it up, and I'm like, I don't remember this

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Speaker 1: at all, but uh yeah, it was just and there's

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Speaker 1: just a bunch of weird fit I don't remember everything.

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Speaker 4: But that is so discussion. We didn't get along with

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Speaker 4: him a lot.

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Speaker 2: Man.

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Speaker 3: Kids really need a like guardian, Like what is it

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Speaker 3: the attention? The validation of attention? Like I know that

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Speaker 3: is to.

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Speaker 1: Lick a shoe, to lick a shoe, but I would

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Speaker 1: have licked any shoe to have Ashley Stay a couple

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Speaker 1: more days?

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Speaker 2: How many shoes too?

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Speaker 4: To at least?

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Speaker 2: What about like five?

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Speaker 4: How many days? Am I getting a month? A month? Yeah?

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Speaker 4: Five shoes shoes for a month? Easy?

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Speaker 2: What about fifty shoes?

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Speaker 1: Fifty shoes for a month? Yeah, just one lick, one lick,

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Speaker 1: but on fifty different shoes. Do I have to like

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Speaker 1: the whole surface area or is it just like whole

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Speaker 1: surface area everything? Like I'm the cleanest that shoe like

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Speaker 1: that skid row toes like like like like toes of

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Speaker 1: skid row, like they're all needled up.

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Speaker 4: Probably not. I wouldn't do it many am I getting anything?

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Speaker 1: Like?

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Speaker 4: Is it like is there.

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Speaker 1: How many?

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Speaker 2: How many?

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Speaker 4: But would I could I get diseases? Probably not?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I don't think AIDS is worth I'm sorry, Ashley Stay,

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Speaker 1: we were so committed.

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Speaker 4: I wouldn't get AIDS for you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but honest yeah, honest, honest, Yeah, it was great, John.

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Speaker 4: But it was a great couple of days.

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Speaker 3: You know what, Sam, We have all of these incredible

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Speaker 3: people here.

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Speaker 4: That's true.

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Speaker 3: If you haven't already putting in my sung of less

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Speaker 3: song and go right down something you love about Sam.

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Speaker 3: Let's let's give our boys, Sam some actually a lot

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Speaker 3: of you have written some really nice John.

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Speaker 4: You don't understand.

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Speaker 1: It was so lovely, John, Johnny, don't I understand? Okay,

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Speaker 1: So what was our second day here? Yeah, our second

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Speaker 1: full day here. Yes, I'm about to go for a

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Speaker 1: sunset surf.

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Speaker 2: You are.

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Speaker 4: I am so excited the sun setting. It's beautiful.

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Speaker 1: I see this pretty Australian girl to my right as

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Speaker 1: I'm about to go in, and she's taking pictures of

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Speaker 1: the sunset, and I strike up a conversation and then

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Speaker 1: she like drops her phone or something.

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Speaker 2: Oh.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, are you nervous because you're talking to

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Speaker 1: a cute surfer and she's like, no, ha ha ha,

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Speaker 1: let me get your I have to jump into the water,

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Speaker 1: but let me get your Instagram and then I jump

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Speaker 1: into the water. Have the most amazing surf, dude. It

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Speaker 1: was incredible. Almost died on the rocks and then because

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Speaker 1: of the near death experience, I'm just like I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna go for it. And so I'm like, hey, let's

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Speaker 1: get drinks tonight. And then she comes We like go

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Speaker 1: to a bunch of different bars, we like dance and

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Speaker 1: eat great food and like just have the most amazing conversation.

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Speaker 1: And she comes back here. We take a dip in

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Speaker 1: the pool, we listen to country songs, take a shower,

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Speaker 1: and it was like four nights of that.

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Speaker 4: It was great in a row.

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Speaker 2: That's true. She was here, she was here every day,

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Speaker 2: every day.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and she just left like thirty minutes ago.

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Speaker 1: I'm fine, You're gonna be good, good buddy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, thousands of people rooting for you right now.

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Speaker 3: And if if you're an Australian that's near Bali, oh yeah,

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Speaker 3: and you want to take a flight out and mean, Sam,

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Speaker 3: just go to just go to the beach, just catch

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Speaker 3: some waves. Ye, look around for a cute, hunky American

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Speaker 3: man that is shredding the nard and uh.

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Speaker 2: We can make something happen. Yeah, we can make something happen.

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Speaker 4: I don't know if I'm ready to love again.

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Speaker 2: Give us, Sam, give us, give us one one positive thing.

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Speaker 3: From the trip to close out with our with our

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Speaker 3: beautiful fans Today.

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Speaker 4: Ashley, we'll see in the next episode.

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Speaker 3: I stole nuts from a squirrel. Well, and now my

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Speaker 3: life is ruined. I have always thought of myself as

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Speaker 3: rather intelligent. My wife says, I'm on par with an

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Speaker 3: average chimp or an octopus.

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Speaker 4: Octopuses are very smart.

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Speaker 2: And I am proud of this fact.

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Speaker 3: I recently had the opportunity to engage in a battle

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Speaker 3: of wits with a squirrel, which I thought would have

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Speaker 3: been an occasion I would be able to rise to,

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Speaker 3: given to my recent triumph over the dog, who I

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Speaker 3: tricked into thinking the ball disappeared object impermanence. What alas,

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Speaker 3: we have a backyard with a nice garden that my

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Speaker 3: wife designed and built. She's really proud of it and

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Speaker 3: finds a lot of relaxation working on I work from home,

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Speaker 3: and recently I've noticed that we get a daily visitor.

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Speaker 4: Who is a daily visitor, John a squirrel. A squirrel

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Speaker 4: in the garden, how dare it?

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Speaker 3: Who also likes to poke around and look for food.

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Speaker 3: I usually see him while making breakfast. I almost thought

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Speaker 3: it said I usually see him while he's making breakfast.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, damn, this squirrel crazy.

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Speaker 4: And this squirrel flippit omelets. It's like the towy baby.

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Speaker 3: You know, the tiktoks where they have like the tiny

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Speaker 3: tiny can. So I usually walk by the window and

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Speaker 3: watch him forage. Well, about a week ago I saw

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Speaker 3: him bury an acorn or some kind of nut.

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Speaker 4: Oh, yeah, bury that nut if you catch my drift.

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Speaker 2: I catch a drift John literal nut semen Ooh.

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Speaker 3: I had this bright idea that I'd go there and

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Speaker 3: put a handful of mixed nuts in there with the

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Speaker 3: one that he had buried.

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Speaker 2: I thought this was genius level trolling.

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Speaker 3: I was so amused at my idea that the next

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Speaker 3: day I even stood by the window watching him look

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Speaker 3: for the spot where he had buried the nuts, and

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Speaker 3: I was mumbling to myself something like.

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Speaker 2: Foolish, foolish squirrel, you know nothing.

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Speaker 1: Wait, I want to see what happens with this all

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Speaker 1: finds this buried treasure.

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Speaker 3: Also, who is like so maniacal against the poor little squirrel?

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Speaker 4: This is all he's like, Oh, he's actually doing something

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Speaker 4: good for this girl.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, He's like giving him like a treasure trove of nuts,

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Speaker 3: Like this is like winning lottery, all the nuts in

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Speaker 3: his mouth he could ever wish for him. Well, anyways,

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Speaker 3: the squirrel unburied his nut, and he found it and

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Speaker 3: apparently manifested a ton of other nuts.

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Speaker 2: And the look on his face was hilarious.

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Speaker 3: I mean, he was visibly shocked and quickly buried the

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Speaker 3: whole stash again, then ran up the tree and sat

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Speaker 3: there watching slash, guarding it from the other squirrels. I

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Speaker 3: love how like the squirrel could be shocked.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, the squirrel is like, holy shit, I mean, squirrels,

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Speaker 1: do you have likesting like a yes, this is this

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Speaker 1: is compound interests of nuts.

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Speaker 3: This is the Warren Buffett of squirrels over here. At

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Speaker 3: this point, I was so pleased with myself that I

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Speaker 3: spent the whole day cracking up at the.

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Speaker 2: Thought of this squirrel.

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Speaker 3: But then at two am, I was struck with an

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Speaker 3: even more genius idea.

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Speaker 2: Does this man have a job, Yeah, clearly his working

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Speaker 2: from home.

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Speaker 3: Is like, yeah, I worked on this special archaeological project.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: It's like it's like the LinkedIn, like the LinkedIn bio language,

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Speaker 3: like I six destfully transferred a you know, like the

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Speaker 3: scientific name for a nut like a polemis contu into

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Speaker 3: freshly buried soil and aided and assisted in my furry

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Speaker 3: coworker's discoveries.

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Speaker 2: I went on side and I buried even more nuts. Nuts.

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Speaker 4: That's nuts.

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Speaker 2: He is packing his stash with his.

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Speaker 3: Nuts scarred like three times more than there was a

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Speaker 3: rich more this is this might be like squirrel's investment

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Speaker 3: has gone through the rod. This is a dopamine overload

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Speaker 3: on the squirrel might just like become a meth head

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Speaker 3: over here.

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Speaker 2: This is nut nuts. Now.

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Speaker 3: I couldn't sleep the rest of the night because I

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Speaker 3: was way too dang excited about this squirrel checking in

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Speaker 3: on his stash again again.

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Speaker 1: This guy does he have a job. How is he

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Speaker 1: dedicating this much time in the middle of the night

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Speaker 1: to fucking with this squirrel?

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Speaker 2: Wherever he works? He needs to be fired.

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Speaker 3: I probably should have realized that work from home has

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Speaker 3: truly loosened my grip on reality after two years.

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Speaker 4: Yes, you can see that now.

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Speaker 3: At this point, I find myself sitting at the window

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Speaker 3: at five am waiting for this damned squirrel to show

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Speaker 3: up and just giggling to myself like, oh yeah, he's

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Speaker 3: gonna totally trip out, cuz crazy to God, the squirrel

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Speaker 3: finally showed up and he started checking his hoard. The

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Speaker 3: look on his face indescribable. He was so flabberg acid

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Speaker 3: by what he found that he actually had to look

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Speaker 3: over both shoulders all around the yard as if to say,

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Speaker 3: are you kidding me?

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Speaker 2: Is anyone else e fansiyan this?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like the squirrel is getting paranoid. It's like, ye,

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Speaker 1: He's like, I gotta keep this under wraps. My whole

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Speaker 1: family's gonna be asked you after these nuts, after my inheritance,

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Speaker 1: they got generational squirrel wealth. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Literally, he just sat there inspecting his hoard for like

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Speaker 3: ten or fifteen minutes, frantically trying to figure out how

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Speaker 3: he managed to find his new found wealth. And in

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Speaker 3: this moment, I realized that squirrel faced the same philosophical

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Speaker 3: dilemma that most lottery winners get when they incur a

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Speaker 3: giant windfall of cash and no idea how to properly

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Speaker 3: handle it. His anxieties became mine, and I found myself

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Speaker 3: thinking I would probably not fare any better if I

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Speaker 3: won millions of dollars.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, dude, it's a burden.

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Speaker 3: I think this person might be slightly overestimating the thought

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Speaker 3: process of a squirrel.

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Speaker 2: Eventually, the squirrel.

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Speaker 3: Divided his stash into a few smaller piles and buried

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Speaker 3: them all within a few inches of each other.

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Speaker 4: Smart, diversify your income sources.

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Speaker 2: Within a few inches of each other. That's not a

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Speaker 2: diversified enough, idiot.

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Speaker 3: I don't know why the squirrel did this, but maybe

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Speaker 3: had something to do with the investor warning about too

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Speaker 3: many eggs in one basket. He was so afixed of

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Speaker 3: his hoard that he now had a hard time leaving it.

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Speaker 3: I spent the rest of the day thinking about how

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Speaker 3: to ratchet up the drama that was unfolding between us.

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Speaker 2: Oh what is your job, sir? Oh my god, please

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Speaker 2: please stop.

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Speaker 4: His wife is like.

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Speaker 1: Bill, you've been obsessing over this squirrel for months now.

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Speaker 4: You've not given me or the kids atny attention. Literally,

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Speaker 4: I'm divorcing you. You're not even lest think you're still

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Speaker 4: talking about this squirrel.

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Speaker 3: And then the end of the end of the story

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00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,679
Speaker 3: is like and then it was that moment I realized

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Speaker 3: I'm in love with this squirrel. Wow, And I had

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Speaker 3: to I had to marry them. Now we live happily

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Speaker 3: ever after, with all the nuts on that nut juice. Now,

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Speaker 3: this preoccupation gave way to a sort of love crafty

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Speaker 3: and madness, where all day long I experienced ghoulish, intrusive

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Speaker 3: thoughts about the funniest stuff I could do with this

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Speaker 3: squirrel stash. Eventually, I concluded that I needed to end

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Speaker 3: the game and level the economic playing field among the

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Speaker 3: squirrel population in the most communist way I could.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, he can't have one squirrel having all the wealth.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely not. There cannot be a one percent or situation.

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Speaker 3: I can't have an el squirrel, No, absolutely not, lest

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Speaker 3: this little bastard use his resource advantage to create some

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Speaker 3: evil rodent monopoly. So I went outside that night and

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Speaker 3: reclaimed all of the nuts that I had given to him,

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Speaker 3: but I left him the one single initial nut that

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Speaker 3: he had buried. And when he came back the next day,

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Speaker 3: he absolutely lost his mind. He was running all over

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Speaker 3: the wooden fence, up and down the trees, searching manically

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Speaker 3: for the culprit who had ripped him off. The amount

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Speaker 3: of twitching and rage chirping he did was enough to

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Speaker 3: disturb the nearby birds. I felt like a god lording

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Speaker 3: over the fate of the puny, mortal squirrel who had

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Speaker 3: ventured into my yard, and I couldn't help but realize

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Speaker 3: that if this squirrel had taken at least some of

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Speaker 3: the nuts with him to another location, he could have

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Speaker 3: profited greatly. But this foolish creature learned the hard way

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Speaker 3: that hottle mentality does not always yield insane nut ROI

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Speaker 3: sell a high, Come on, get out of there before

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Speaker 3: the squirrel FTX explodes before f tree X goes bottom under.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes you ride.

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Speaker 3: The wave to zero and end up with an empty

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Speaker 3: wallet with your fuzzy little squirrel in your hand. I

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Speaker 3: like the market can be a capricious mistress. When I

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Speaker 3: went to bed that night, I eagerly told my wife

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Speaker 3: about my cruel shenanigans, and she laughed pretty hard at

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Speaker 3: the story. However, the next morning, when we woke up,

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Speaker 3: the squirrel had absolutely devastated the garden.

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Speaker 4: Wait the garden that the wife spent all that time.

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Speaker 2: All the time laying her soil down.

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Speaker 4: My disrutes. She can't be happy.

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Speaker 3: Having dug scores of holes and pulling up little flowers

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00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,480
Speaker 3: and plants searching for his lost little treasure. My wife

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Speaker 3: is super pissed at me, and this weekend I have

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Speaker 3: to fix the entire garden. And now I'm not allowed

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Speaker 3: to buy any mixed nuts or interact with squirrels anymore.

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Speaker 1: Probably for the best, for your marriage's sake and also

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Speaker 1: for your jobs sake, stay away from the squirrels. I

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00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,479
Speaker 1: think he s hear Mark Robert making a video about

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Speaker 1: squirrels going through like magical hoops.

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Speaker 3: What about creating a squirrel economy m and becoming their god.

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Speaker 4: I think it will be fun.

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Speaker 3: He could create a whole commune of like squirrels and

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Speaker 3: train them to get nuts for him to listen, and

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Speaker 3: they mutually live off.

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Speaker 1: Of Or maybe he trains them to steal cash from

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Speaker 1: strangers and he gives them nuts in exchange.

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Speaker 2: Interesting. I like this idea.

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Speaker 3: If you think his wife is mad, check out this

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Speaker 3: one where the husband loses two hundred thousand dollars of

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Speaker 3: his wife's money. Click care check the link in the

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Speaker 3: description