Speaker 1: Hi, Hi Catherine. Oh hi Chelsea, Hi, I still have
Speaker 1: deep throat boys. Oh my gosh, Chelsea, where are you now?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 3: I just did a road trip mm hmm with my
Speaker 3: new dog, Mochi, who's a five year old child.
Speaker 1: I saw a picture of him and he is pretty
Speaker 1: much the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Speaker 3: He's a big, fat baby. He's seventy pounds, so it's
Speaker 3: exactly my body type. And I took him and Bernice
Speaker 3: and he had never flown before, so his family didn't
Speaker 3: want him anymore because they had a baby or something.
Speaker 1: So I had to pick him up.
Speaker 3: And he had never been on a plane, so I
Speaker 3: didn't want to freak him out because you know, like
Speaker 3: and fly him up to Whistler. But no one in
Speaker 3: my family thought I could do it. Everyone's like, do
Speaker 3: not go on a road trip from LA to Whistler, Chelsea,
Speaker 3: like yourself with Bernice and Mochi meeting for the first
Speaker 3: time and then in a car together for I mean
Speaker 3: two days.
Speaker 4: Basically, I went through to San Francisco.
Speaker 3: I stayed with my sister one night, and then my
Speaker 3: friend Kelly from Whistler was like, let me come down
Speaker 3: and meet you. You're not competent enough to drive yourself
Speaker 3: to Whistler. And I was like, no, because all I
Speaker 3: wanted to do was be alone and bond with my dogs.
Speaker 3: But you can't really bond with a new dog when
Speaker 3: you're driving, right. Bernie's is a good girl, and I
Speaker 3: was gonna leave her behind this winter because my Belle.
Speaker 3: She's happy at my Bell's and she's got Felix, her boyfriend, who's.
Speaker 5: Our dog guy at the house. But she's just been
Speaker 5: looking so cute lately.
Speaker 3: I just couldn't bear this might be her last year
Speaker 3: with us. She's older, but she's so cute.
Speaker 1: She's really scrumpshot.
Speaker 4: So I had to take her.
Speaker 5: I had to take her, and if she doesn't, I'm
Speaker 5: going to stay until I've towed the Critics' Choice Awards. Oh,
Speaker 5: by the way, I just announced new dates in Australia, everybody,
Speaker 5: and New Zealand, so take a look at those on
Speaker 5: Chelseahandler dot com.
Speaker 4: And I am coming to Salt Lake City.
Speaker 3: There are tickets for that, and all my Canadian dates
Speaker 3: are this winter, so you know, follow me and you'll
Speaker 3: find out anyway.
Speaker 1: Bernice is she's a good traveler.
Speaker 3: She is, actually she doesn't want any trouble. She just
Speaker 3: like wants to mind her business. And she's good with
Speaker 3: other dogs. Yeah, she gets annoyed if they like, you know, come.
Speaker 4: Like bother her, but she's good.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: So I have a new family and we'll see how long.
Speaker 3: And oh what I was saying is if it doesn't
Speaker 3: work out like with Brinice doesn't like Whistler and she's
Speaker 3: not into the snow. There's not a lot of snow
Speaker 3: here yet, m m, then I will take her back
Speaker 3: in January when I come.
Speaker 1: Back to the beach.
Speaker 6: Choice.
Speaker 3: But Mochi's going to stay with me, and they'll keep
Speaker 3: each other company when I'm skiing and doing my bad
Speaker 3: parenting exactly.
Speaker 1: They can be each other's pack. Well, Chelsea, I know
Speaker 1: you usually do family stuff for the holidays. Is there
Speaker 1: anything you're looking forward to?
Speaker 4: Oh, you know what's happening this year.
Speaker 3: I'm moving out of my house so I can move
Speaker 3: into a bigger house that I had to rent for
Speaker 3: my family.
Speaker 1: So that's what I'm doing. You're a new house that
Speaker 1: just got finished or no, your house was no, no.
Speaker 3: No, because that's never going to be finished.
Speaker 4: That's in la. I just saw that house.
Speaker 3: And it's still not done. Just although it's going to
Speaker 3: be gorgeous, just in time for me to move to
Speaker 3: New York City.
Speaker 1: Excellent.
Speaker 4: But I've already lost interest in that house. It's taken
Speaker 4: so long.
Speaker 3: Anytime anything takes long, I can't I've lost interest.
Speaker 1: I don't care. Well, it's hard to be like, have
Speaker 1: the same passion for something that you had three years ago.
Speaker 4: I bought that I ordered the floors for that house
Speaker 4: two years ago.
Speaker 3: That is years ago, so obviously, like, but Carla is
Speaker 3: staying back and she is battening down the hatches.
Speaker 1: She's whipping everyone into shape.
Speaker 3: So there's been more progress progress, I'm saying because I'm
Speaker 3: saying it like that now because I'm in Canada, and
Speaker 3: there's been more progress since she's been staying behind, So
Speaker 3: that's been helpful.
Speaker 2: Good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think she'll whip everybody into shape and gets
Speaker 1: shipped done.
Speaker 3: So my family arrives momentarily, you know, in a couple
Speaker 3: of days, and then we have a house for a week,
Speaker 3: and then they leave and then I have like three
Speaker 3: weeks off before my next date in Vancouver or Kelowna
Speaker 3: or Edmonton, wherever the hell I'm going next.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it sounds like I do need it.
Speaker 1: I do need it, get into bed and then like
Speaker 1: not move for at least a week of that. I
Speaker 1: know that's I can't wait.
Speaker 3: I need sleep and skis and skis skis will rejuvenate me.
Speaker 1: Today is our holiday episode, Chelsea.
Speaker 4: Which holiday are we celebrating.
Speaker 1: We're celebrating all of them, Kanza, Christmas, all the things Anica.
Speaker 1: We have some holiday themed questions. Some callers talking about
Speaker 1: the new year. Okay, great, Yes, So my fifteen year
Speaker 1: old nephew and I'm not sure if anyone else in
Speaker 1: my family realizes what he has asked for. And he's like,
Speaker 1: not into drugs whatever, but he asked for a book
Speaker 1: on finding psilocybin mushrooms in the forest. You know that,
Speaker 1: the mushroom guy, Paul Stamitz. He asked for a book
Speaker 1: from him, and I was like, I told my sister,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm going to get that for him,
Speaker 1: thinking she didn't know what it was. And she's like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: Grandma's gonna get that for him. So he wants a
Speaker 1: psilocybin book and everyone's fine, that's.
Speaker 3: Fine, who cares, I mean, let everybody. The more educated
Speaker 3: people are about drugs the better.
Speaker 1: I kind of agree, and I said, I would like
Speaker 1: to supplement that with How to Change Your Mind. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a good book, right, which is by Michael polland
Speaker 1: Michael Pollin. Yeah, by Michael Pollan. And then my sister
Speaker 1: was like, no, wait till he's twenty. I'm like, but
Speaker 1: it's not something that makes you want to do drugs.
Speaker 3: It's just everybody, no, exactly, it's good to be educated. Also,
Speaker 3: that's what I gave everybody. That's Christmas. I gave everybody
Speaker 3: two books. That's what I sent out for Christmas gifts,
Speaker 3: The Great Alone and Atomic Habits.
Speaker 1: Oh fantastic, very different books.
Speaker 3: So that, yeah, that's my gift to everyone. I'm just
Speaker 3: only giving books out from now on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's good.
Speaker 2: M hmm.
Speaker 4: I'm still reading Tomorrow, Tomorrow, tomorrow.
Speaker 3: But I mean, I'm just not that interested in that book,
Speaker 3: even though everyone else loves it so much.
Speaker 1: Oh see, I started it and I'm very into it.
Speaker 4: Really, it was so interesting about it, you know.
Speaker 1: What, I because I knew you said this a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks ago.
Speaker 5: And I've never taken It's never taken me longer to
Speaker 5: read a book. But that's also really writing my book.
Speaker 5: So I'm writing a book, so my focus is really there,
Speaker 5: and then in between I read.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like it reads a little like a
Speaker 1: genreving book, where it's really just about the character development
Speaker 1: and sort of their interaction. I don't know. I like it.
Speaker 5: But it's about gaming. It's it's all about gaming. Everyone
Speaker 5: kept saying, it's not that. Don't worry, it's not about gaming.
Speaker 5: It's all about gaming.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm only about a quarter of the way through,
Speaker 1: but like it's sort of about I don't know. I
Speaker 1: feel like it's about games as informs their relationship. That's
Speaker 1: what I'm getting from. But I'm also only a quarter
Speaker 1: of the way through.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I don't know how far I am.
Speaker 3: I don't think i'm more than halfway through either, but
Speaker 3: I guess i'll finish it.
Speaker 1: Well, that's on everyone else's your endless but we'll not
Speaker 1: put it on your year end list. No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but the grade alone I will always recommend and
Speaker 3: circ Yeah, yeah, you love that one.
Speaker 1: I have that book. I'm going to read that again.
Speaker 1: I haven't read it. I picked it up in a
Speaker 1: bookstore the other day and I just I read a
Speaker 1: few pages and I didn't know if like the prose
Speaker 1: was for me. But I don't know.
Speaker 5: Maybe I should give it a try. Oh from the beginning, Yeah,
Speaker 5: it's you got to get into it. That's like a
Speaker 5: fantasy book. Yeah, Greek mythology.
Speaker 4: But I'm not into that either. But I loved it.
Speaker 3: I love the use her just her writing is so powerful,
Speaker 3: like she just knows how to finish a sentence or
Speaker 3: write a sentence.
Speaker 1: Speaking of your end lists, are there any like movies,
Speaker 1: TV books that you experience this year that you love
Speaker 1: and want to recommend?
Speaker 3: Well, I need to watch all those movies for the Critics'
Speaker 3: Choice Awards.
Speaker 4: I haven't seen any of the movies yet. I only
Speaker 4: saw My Maestro.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I saw that at a friend's house because
Speaker 3: she was screening it.
Speaker 1: And that was really good.
Speaker 4: That Carrie Mulligan, it's fucking awesome.
Speaker 1: She is just a yeah she is. Yeah, she's in
Speaker 1: it and she's so good too. I love a period
Speaker 1: piece Sarah Silverman, like she was in Masters of Sex.
Speaker 1: I'm like dressed all nineteen fifties and yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, she does some good movie choices.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she's fantastic. I did watch May December, which is
Speaker 1: how is that.
Speaker 4: I've heard mixed reviews about that.
Speaker 1: It's very camp, but it's really interesting and I think
Speaker 1: like it's very interesting to watch from like an acting standpoint,
Speaker 1: and the story is really good. It's a lot about manipulation.
Speaker 1: It's interesting too because you have all these like incredible
Speaker 1: actors and yet the music is almost like TV movie music,
Speaker 1: Like it's very dunt dun dun duh, and it's a
Speaker 1: very chousic is off.
Speaker 4: That's what they said, that it doesn't add up to
Speaker 4: the movies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but see, I I loved that choice because there's
Speaker 1: sort of like a revelation at the end. You understand
Speaker 1: why they sort of made that sort of cheesy choice.
Speaker 1: But the acting is incredible, the story is really good.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of manipulation and you kind of like
Speaker 1: power dynamics shifting and it's really cool. Yea's really cool.
Speaker 3: Well, I've been watching a lot of TV, but I
Speaker 3: can't even remember what I'm watching.
Speaker 4: I'm watching The Gilded Age.
Speaker 1: That what I'm watching. I haven't seen the second season yet,
Speaker 1: but I don't even know what I'm watching half the time.
Speaker 4: I Mean, I just.
Speaker 1: Don't even know.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, sometimes I'm paying attention. Sometimes I'm not.
Speaker 3: When I came home from my last dight in Ottawa,
Speaker 3: which was so fun, Toronto crowds were so awesome, Otta
Speaker 3: was I was so awesome. I landed on a Sunday,
Speaker 3: went out thinking I was dying.
Speaker 4: On the Sunday, I'm dying.
Speaker 3: I was like, oh my god, No, I was so sick,
Speaker 3: and I had two Christmas things to go do, and
Speaker 3: I was like, I kept trying to get out of
Speaker 3: both of them. I ended up getting home at two
Speaker 3: am Sunday night at two am, this is last week.
Speaker 3: Then Monday, I had another thing. I had a goop
Speaker 3: thing for Gwyneth, and then I had another thing, and
Speaker 3: then we went out to dinner, and I and I
Speaker 3: went out again, and then it's just it was non stop.
Speaker 1: Give yourself a bedtime.
Speaker 4: I know, I don't know what I think I'm doing anymore.
Speaker 3: I'm like, I think I'm thirty thirty years old and
Speaker 3: I'm not thirty years old, and I need like I
Speaker 3: need to I need like a pump of adrenaline or something. Yeah,
Speaker 3: you know, but you know I need a shot of energy.
Speaker 1: The best thing to give you that is just.
Speaker 4: Like a ball is what I need? I need an
Speaker 4: eight ball? Who has an eight ball?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: You know what you got to do the suburban speedball,
Speaker 1: which is like your first drink is an espresso Martini
Speaker 1: and then you do something out.
Speaker 4: Espresso Martini's fucking work.
Speaker 5: They wake you up, They wake you up, and then
Speaker 5: you have a butt and it's great.
Speaker 2: Uh huh.
Speaker 1: You can't do too many of that because then you'll
Speaker 1: be up all night or your heart could explode. Like
Speaker 1: these people who drank these extreme lemonades. Have you heard
Speaker 1: about this?
Speaker 2: Who?
Speaker 1: Yes, at this particular fast food chain. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to say which one, but two people have died after
Speaker 1: drinking these cafinated lemonades. Is it like a red bull?
Speaker 4: It's like a red so they had a heart attack.
Speaker 1: Yep, he had a heart attack and died. Two people
Speaker 1: have died after drinking men.
Speaker 4: Did they take they recall them?
Speaker 7: No?
Speaker 1: I don't think Yeah, I don't think they've it yet.
Speaker 1: We don't know if that was what caused it. But
Speaker 1: they died. Doesn't sound like a positive situation. Oh, it's
Speaker 1: all crazy anyway, don't drink over caffee to drinks everybody. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: should we go to some callers. I also have some
Speaker 1: follow ups. Okay, so Chelsea, you know, we have our
Speaker 1: NYC girls who are child free and have been chatting,
Speaker 1: and I've been putting them all together. They started like
Speaker 1: a WhatsApp group and they're all chatting. Well, they got
Speaker 1: together for the first time and we got a really
Speaker 1: sweet email from them. I love it. Yes, and Courtney
Speaker 1: was the one who sent this in. She said, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for taking the time to connect this
Speaker 1: group of women, and it was so energizing to meet
Speaker 1: for brunch in NYC this past weekend. Turns out we
Speaker 1: all feel like black sheep, oftentimes for more reasons than
Speaker 1: just choosing to be child free or single. We're all
Speaker 1: independent and successful in our own right. Some have partners
Speaker 1: and others are struggling in the dating scene. We're often
Speaker 1: the ones paving various paths away from the norms we
Speaker 1: come from, and uniting for brunch today felt like a
Speaker 1: new home. It's so refreshing to have a community that
Speaker 1: we rather seamlessly fit into, and we all thank you
Speaker 1: and Chelsea for uniting us via her podcast. That meeting
Speaker 1: launched plans to travel, to play sports, have trivia nights,
Speaker 1: to help promote each other and our businesses to drink
Speaker 1: and eat together from here. Thank you and happy holidays.
Speaker 1: Love the NYC Child Free Crew. You've united. Ps. The
Speaker 1: table behind us had maybe twenty people, at least half
Speaker 1: were toddlers. And of course this was a total shit show.
Speaker 1: We couldn't help but realize the sheer comedy of it all.
Speaker 1: No regrets, how is wee? Oh wow, I know, look
Speaker 1: at these fabulous women.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, No, that's so cool.
Speaker 1: Very happy for them. There have been a couple ladies
Speaker 1: who've reached out about Chicago. So Chicago, if you want
Speaker 1: to start a group, let me know, and then I
Speaker 1: have one other. This feels like a fun holiday surprise,
Speaker 1: though it's not exactly holiday. But Brooke had written in
Speaker 1: way back on our Jamie Green Burke ep and she
Speaker 1: was struggling with infertility and looking for ways to be positive.
Speaker 1: So you and Jamie gave her some really good advice.
Speaker 1: She says, You're Chelsea. I wanted to thank you for
Speaker 1: taking the time to chat with me, offer advice and
Speaker 1: let me share the story of my miscarriage. It was
Speaker 1: so helpful to hear the perspectives from three different women.
Speaker 1: Jamie I'd especially like to thank you for sharing your
Speaker 1: personal story as well. Since we talked, I'm happy to
Speaker 1: report I have good news to share. My rainbow baby
Speaker 1: girl is finally here. She was born in March a
Speaker 1: Pisces like you, ladies, which we love, and Chelsea, I
Speaker 1: know you'll be proud of me. For the first time ever,
Speaker 1: I started speaking to a therapist on a weekly basis
Speaker 1: who specialize in perinatal and maternal anxiety. It's been helpful
Speaker 1: to gain tools for helping myself de escalate and relax
Speaker 1: in my times of spiraling, and I know that toning
Speaker 1: down my overthinking mind is good for both me and
Speaker 1: the baby. So I'm doing everything i can. The meditation
Speaker 1: thing I'm still working on, but I've come to love
Speaker 1: long walking meditations with my daughter and the stroller. Thank
Speaker 1: you again. I can't get enough of your podcast and
Speaker 1: still tune in every week. Keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker 5: Brook, That's great, Yes, Jamie, Jamie listens to every podcast,
Speaker 5: So Jamie, way to go, Jamie.
Speaker 1: You finally have contributed something to the world. You you
Speaker 1: ladies got Brooke pregnant.
Speaker 3: Jamie's recently got kicked off of her own daughter's softball
Speaker 3: team because she's in one of those sideline moms.
Speaker 1: Well she didn't get kicked off, but.
Speaker 3: She has to stop going to games for her daughter's
Speaker 3: mental health. She's she's such an asshole. At the games
Speaker 3: that she had. Her daughter was like, she goes, I
Speaker 3: don't think I'm going to come to any games anymore,
Speaker 3: and her daughter's like, I think that's best.
Speaker 1: Oh no, I think old is so ridiculous. She's so competitive.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I knew she really enjoyed going to these,
Speaker 1: but I didn't know it was like that. Yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: I guess. Yeah, we love Jamie. Well, let's take a
Speaker 1: quick break and we'll come back with some questions. OK, guys,
Speaker 1: and we're back. So our first caller today, Chelsea, is Lauren.
Speaker 1: She lives right here in California and says, Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 1: I am a child free woman who has three adult
Speaker 1: step children ranging from thirty five to forty three years old.
Speaker 1: I've been with my husband for twenty nine years. I've
Speaker 1: given my all to being a good step parent, but
Speaker 1: my step children expect a lot from me and don't reciprocate.
Speaker 1: They do nothing for me for Mother's Day or my birthday.
Speaker 1: But expect me to put on a Norman Rockwell holidays
Speaker 1: for them while they don't contribute or do so minimally.
Speaker 1: They also blame me, not their dad when they don't
Speaker 1: get their way, such as when their dad and I
Speaker 1: visit my family for one of the holidays. I've grown
Speaker 1: resentful and don't want to be the family lightning rod anymore.
Speaker 1: I've tried to communicate with them, but it has not
Speaker 1: gone well. My thought is to disengage from them, but
Speaker 1: that would be tricky. Been a supportive of me, but
Speaker 1: he too is at a loss of what to do.
Speaker 1: I'm again dreading the holidays this year, which really sucks.
Speaker 1: I would appreciate any advice you have. Thank you. Lauren.
Speaker 4: Hi Hi, Lauren, Hi, Hi.
Speaker 1: How are you?
Speaker 6: I'm doing well?
Speaker 3: How are you just hanging on by a thread like
Speaker 3: we all are during the holiday season?
Speaker 1: Yes, truly.
Speaker 3: So it sounds like you don't know you're not looking
Speaker 3: forward to your holidays.
Speaker 6: Well, I haven't the last few years and kind of
Speaker 6: been doing a lot of soul searching about letting other
Speaker 6: people decide what I'm going to be doing kind of
Speaker 6: with my time, and you know, kind of need to
Speaker 6: wanted to take back, like the joy you know of it,
Speaker 6: and just feeling like sometimes you get kind of stuck
Speaker 6: into what people think you should do. So you know,
Speaker 6: there's a lot of expectations, which you know, you've talked
Speaker 6: about with women about what we're supposed.
Speaker 1: To be doing.
Speaker 6: And you know, I'm a step pa and kind of
Speaker 6: always been responsible person with my family and others.
Speaker 1: How many step children do you have?
Speaker 6: Three?
Speaker 1: Three?
Speaker 4: And how old were they when you guys got married.
Speaker 1: How old were the kids?
Speaker 6: Well, when I met my husband, we dated for quite
Speaker 6: a while, but they were six eleven, fourteen and now
Speaker 6: they're grown.
Speaker 4: So do they think of you as a parent figure?
Speaker 4: What's the dynamic?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 6: Well, they do, but I feel like, and I know
Speaker 6: I'm not ever going to be like at the level
Speaker 6: of their parents, you know. I mean, I just feel
Speaker 6: like I can take it for granted, it's not a
Speaker 6: big deal. On my birthday or Mother's Day, they don't
Speaker 6: plan anything, they don't do anything. I mean, I might
Speaker 6: get flowers or something, and it's not that I want something,
Speaker 6: but you know, just even saying, hey, let me take
Speaker 6: you out for a cup of tea or a glass
Speaker 6: of wine or something, and you know, it doesn't have
Speaker 6: to be expensive. I don't. It's not that, it's just
Speaker 6: kind of like Overlea, you just don't feel like you're yeah, yeah,
Speaker 6: you feel I was just like just sort of like
Speaker 6: I'm expected to do these things.
Speaker 3: And you know, and what of your previous conversations with them,
Speaker 3: you said they didn't go well in the letter, like,
Speaker 3: give us an example, tell us what happened.
Speaker 6: Well, it's kind of like they when I've told them.
Speaker 6: I was talking to my stepdad with this Thanksgiving because
Speaker 6: there was a big blow up because she found out
Speaker 6: that we were supposed to go to my family and
Speaker 6: I told my husband about it, and to be honest,
Speaker 6: you know, I probably could have communicated better and said, hey,
Speaker 6: you know because I told him, hey, you know, tell
Speaker 6: them we're going to be my family, but we're here
Speaker 6: for Christmas.
Speaker 4: And meaning they're not invited to your family's Thanksgiving.
Speaker 6: Well they could, but they they're not. They're not going
Speaker 6: to come. They're not going to make the effort to
Speaker 6: get on a plane and go. And so they had
Speaker 6: Thanksgiving up our house.
Speaker 1: With and without you.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and they all really like stepped up and like
Speaker 6: they were calling it. They were like which they wouldn't
Speaker 6: do with me. They would just kind of assume that
Speaker 6: I was posting the whole thing. And so they called
Speaker 6: my husband before I left and said, hey, yeah, so
Speaker 6: you know we're going to do this. We're going to
Speaker 6: do that. You know. My husband's like, I'll roast the turkey.
Speaker 6: He called me on Thanksgiving and asked me how to
Speaker 6: do it.
Speaker 1: I mean, well, and specifically, Lauren, I know you said
Speaker 1: that even if it's hosted at one of the kids house,
Speaker 1: they expect you to cook the entire meal and sort
Speaker 1: of throw throw the whole party.
Speaker 6: Well, yeah, they going to my stepdaughter's house in another city.
Speaker 6: She said, we can have it up there. But then
Speaker 6: I'm kind of expected to come up and they don't
Speaker 6: plan anything. I go to the grocery store and they're like, okay,
Speaker 6: what are we going to do? And so, and you know,
Speaker 6: I think I've kind of let it happen that way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I.
Speaker 6: Take responsibility for that. But I'll throw out an email
Speaker 6: saying what can you guys bring? And I don't hear anything,
Speaker 6: and you know, like a couple days before and then
Speaker 6: it's like okay, well, I don't know, you know, And
Speaker 6: I said, then I have to kind of keep prodding them,
Speaker 6: and it's.
Speaker 3: It's just it sounds like you haven't done a very
Speaker 3: good job of creating any boundaries which I can relate to.
Speaker 4: I also am bad at creating boundaries, but you should.
Speaker 3: You need to, and clearly they stepped up and are
Speaker 3: capable of doing it in your absence, so that they're
Speaker 3: so now that you you know, you can use Thanksgiving
Speaker 3: as a perfect example, like you guys really stepped up
Speaker 3: over Thanksgiving. I would love for that to happen in
Speaker 3: Christmas and actually moving forward on all holidays. It's a
Speaker 3: lot of pressure on me to take care of everything.
Speaker 5: And you can also throw in there that you didn't
Speaker 5: appreciate spending Thanksgiving without your husband, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5: That's it's you don't have to spend every Thanksgiving with
Speaker 5: you know, people split holidays all the time in divorces
Speaker 5: with their children, especially the adult children. I mean, they're married,
Speaker 5: They're going to go to their spouses at some point
Speaker 5: for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You have to set a new
Speaker 5: set of rules, like moving forward, This isn't your only burden.
Speaker 5: You're happy to have them all, but you need help
Speaker 5: and you need them to contry, and you have to
Speaker 5: get better at communicating because you're you're not I can
Speaker 5: tell that you haven't been.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I think I think that's fair. And I at
Speaker 6: first was like, okay, well, you guys just decide what
Speaker 6: you're going to do for the holidays and let me
Speaker 6: know and I'll work around it. But then I realized, no,
Speaker 6: you know, that's not okay, and I want to spend
Speaker 6: at least one of the holidays with my husband. So
Speaker 6: I just said, you know, we're going to do every
Speaker 6: other holiday and if you guys want to come out,
Speaker 6: you're always welcome, but you're going to have to make
Speaker 6: your own plans on that. And they did say after Thanksgiving,
Speaker 6: you know, I said, oh, it looks like you guys
Speaker 6: did a great job on all the food, and they're like, yeah, well,
Speaker 6: it just wasn't this. It was kind of hotchpotch. It
Speaker 6: wasn't It wasn't as good as when you're there. And so,
Speaker 6: you know, in fairness, they kind of recognize and it's like, well,
Speaker 6: it doesn't have to be great, it doesn't have to
Speaker 6: be you know whatever. I just you know, and so yeah,
Speaker 6: I realize I have to get better at community, and
Speaker 6: the more I've set the boundaries with them, I'm realizing
Speaker 6: it's coming back in with good results both for them
Speaker 6: and for me.
Speaker 4: It is.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and this is a perfect jumping off point. This
Speaker 3: is a perfect like turning point. Since you did opt
Speaker 3: out for Thanksgiving to spend it with your own family,
Speaker 3: and they noticed your absence and the impact it had
Speaker 3: on the dinner, it's a perfect opportunity for you to go, Okay,
Speaker 3: moving forward, let's all work together so that there's not
Speaker 3: so I'm not responsible for everything, because it's really hard
Speaker 3: to provide for everyone. You're talking about six people now, right,
Speaker 3: are they all married up? Yes, we're significant other right,
Speaker 3: so yeah, so that's not on you. And you didn't
Speaker 3: have those fucking kids. Also, fuck, I mean, I'm so
Speaker 3: sick of step parents having to do all this stuff.
Speaker 3: You know, it's enough. Where's their mother? By the way,
Speaker 3: she around? Wh don't they go be with her?
Speaker 6: She leaves on the other side of the country. They
Speaker 6: see her at other times of the year.
Speaker 4: So when's your next holiday together? Christmas?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think to give you some specific boundaries that you
Speaker 1: can set, whether you're hosting or someone else's hosting. I
Speaker 1: think is perfectly fair to say in advance let them know, like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm going to make this one dish or these two dishes,
Speaker 1: and I would love for you guys to all bring something.
Speaker 1: Feel free to let me know what you're bringing, or
Speaker 1: you can just bring something, but letting them know, like
Speaker 1: the rest of the meal will be a group effort.
Speaker 1: It will be on them to bring some things as well.
Speaker 1: And the other thing is like, no one can force
Speaker 1: us to do something without us actually doing it, right,
Speaker 1: especially in this sort of circumstance where everyone expects you
Speaker 1: to lay out this beautiful meal, but like you are
Speaker 1: the one actually doing it. So on the day of,
Speaker 1: if it winds up being a hodgepodge, that's okay. You
Speaker 1: don't actually have to be the one to like step
Speaker 1: in and save the day and make the mashed potatoes
Speaker 1: and everything else. Let it be a little bit of
Speaker 1: a hodgepodge, but say like, hey, I want to take
Speaker 1: a little bit more of a backseat this year. I'm
Speaker 1: going to make the turkey and the stuffing or whatever
Speaker 1: your thing your two major things are, and say would
Speaker 1: love for you guys to fill in the gaps with
Speaker 1: your other favorite dishes.
Speaker 4: And it's not a request. It's like, you know, that's
Speaker 4: how it's going to be.
Speaker 3: Like you have to frame it in a way that
Speaker 3: it's not a you're not asking, you're telling them.
Speaker 1: Yes, and then you don't do anything that you didn't
Speaker 1: say you were going to do. The way the boundary
Speaker 1: gets broken is by you then doing the thing you
Speaker 1: said you weren't going to do. Right, So like, let
Speaker 1: it be a little messy. This is this is something
Speaker 1: I've learned with my with my in laws is I'll
Speaker 1: be like, hey, here's how I think it should be done,
Speaker 1: and then when I'm ignored, I just have to be
Speaker 1: like okay, and then it's a little messy and guess what,
Speaker 1: Like everything is fine? Is it ideal? Maybe not, but
Speaker 1: it's fine.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm realizing because it's like I don't have that
Speaker 6: kind of energy that I used to have. Kind of
Speaker 6: the holidays have become like a day of work for me.
Speaker 6: It's like a.
Speaker 1: Work, right, It's like not fun and it's like preparing
Speaker 1: the day before and.
Speaker 3: Yeah, listen, everyone reacts to boundaries initially like they're offended,
Speaker 3: and then eventually it turns into respect and it's not
Speaker 3: long after the first offense, like the feeling of offense.
Speaker 1: So I just just.
Speaker 3: Set the boundaries, send an email, put it together, and
Speaker 3: also have a little bit more oomph about what you're
Speaker 3: gonna fucking do and what you're not gonna do.
Speaker 4: Don't let people take advantage of you.
Speaker 3: You have one life to live, like, enjoy yourself and
Speaker 3: make sure people are respecting you and you feel good
Speaker 3: about it, because then you're going to have a much
Speaker 3: better experience too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, looking forward to next year, people respond well to
Speaker 1: knowing what the expectation should be. So maybe there's some
Speaker 1: regularity you can do where it's like, Okay, Thanksgiving we
Speaker 1: always been with my family, and Christmas we always spend
Speaker 1: with your family, to your husband, to the kids. And
Speaker 1: that can also be something that he's communicating.
Speaker 6: Yes, thank you, I really appreciate it, and I really
Speaker 6: love the podcast.
Speaker 3: Oh thanks Lauren. Get your shit together, okay, sister, Yes, okay, okay,
Speaker 3: stronger okay, right bye.
Speaker 1: Bye, And he says, dear Chelsea, I want to start
Speaker 1: off by saying how much I look forward to your
Speaker 1: podcast every week to always bring a smile to my face.
Speaker 1: I'm writing in because my boyfriend of ten years, yes,
Speaker 1: ten years, keeps hinting at an engagement. The funny story
Speaker 1: is he's been hinting at it for so long now
Speaker 1: it's starting to feel a little boy who cried wolf.
Speaker 1: We had our son in October of twenty twenty, and
Speaker 1: I suffered from severe postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. He
Speaker 1: was not supportive during my struggle, and I have a
Speaker 1: lot of resentment toward him because of it. I've been
Speaker 1: with my therapist for a little under a year now,
Speaker 1: and I'm working through all my postpartum issues. Through it all.
Speaker 1: Whenever we argue, he tells me and to think I
Speaker 1: bought you a ring and was going to propose. Oh God,
Speaker 1: but I always thought he was bluffing. Recently, however, I
Speaker 1: was cleaning his side of the closet and came across
Speaker 1: a hidden area with a shirt crumpled into a ball.
Speaker 1: I lifted the shirt to fold it and found a
Speaker 1: jewelry box with an engagement ring inside of it. The
Speaker 1: thing is, I felt nothing, and then I felt irritated
Speaker 1: because of all the times he threw the idea of
Speaker 1: a ring in my face. He doesn't know I found it,
Speaker 1: and I'd like to keep it that way. But I
Speaker 1: guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here?
Speaker 1: I love him and I want our family to work,
Speaker 1: but I'm tired of being the forever girlfriend, or, as
Speaker 1: his sister so lovingly refers to me, the baby mama.
Speaker 1: With the holidays looming, I fear the question is about
Speaker 1: to be popped. Any advice is so appreciated, Annie, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I think no, and should get married.
Speaker 3: I mean, why legally bind yourself to any person, But
Speaker 3: when you have a child it becomes a different issue.
Speaker 1: I think, I don't know.
Speaker 3: It sounds like you should probably try counseling before you
Speaker 3: make any decision, because him not being understanding of your
Speaker 3: postpart of depression is a big red flag if he
Speaker 3: doesn't get that right, and I mean, he needs to
Speaker 3: understand why he's not empathetic enough. And also saying like
Speaker 3: to think I was going to propose to you, That
Speaker 3: doesn't sound like a loving thing that any partner ex
Speaker 3: girls should ever say to someone. That's gross. So I
Speaker 3: would try counseling. I would try that with him, and
Speaker 3: if it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Work, and I think counseling like with the intent of
Speaker 1: like improving your relationship, not necessarily should we or shouldn't
Speaker 1: we get married? Yeah, don't put so much pressure on that.
Speaker 3: I've been talking to a new therapist who's like, you know,
Speaker 3: talking about one of our main issues is like not
Speaker 3: trying to control the outcome of things, you know, especially
Speaker 3: with relationships. Don't go into therapy thinking like we're gonna
Speaker 3: fix everything. Go into therapy thinking we're gonna find out
Speaker 3: if we belong together, you know, like taking it more
Speaker 3: by moment and figuring out, like, because whatever the result is,
Speaker 3: you're gonna be Okay. It's not going to be the
Speaker 3: end of the world if you leave your boyfriend. Easier
Speaker 3: actually when you're not married to leave him and I
Speaker 3: understand that you have a child together, but like, your
Speaker 3: happiness is paramount, and if you if you've been going
Speaker 3: to counseling and you've been working on yourself, there's no
Speaker 3: reason he shouldn't be going also individually and together. Not
Speaker 3: with the idea that, okay, we're gonna fix it and
Speaker 3: get married, with the idea.
Speaker 4: That, okay, this is where we are, let's talk about it.
Speaker 3: If we're compatible enough to stay together and work through
Speaker 3: these issues and survive together, and you know, you don't
Speaker 3: have to throw it out right away. But it's good
Speaker 3: that you knew about the ring, you saw it, and
Speaker 3: it's good that he said that to you, because it's
Speaker 3: that's an icky thing to say, and that's one of
Speaker 3: the first things you should bring up in therapy.
Speaker 1: Now, if he does propose sort of all over the holidays,
Speaker 1: oh with you, we would you preempt it and be like,
Speaker 1: if you're thinking of asking, now is not the moment.
Speaker 1: Let's go get some couples counseling.
Speaker 3: Yes, I would definitely say if you're thinking about proposing
Speaker 3: to me, but it sounds like this guy's going to
Speaker 3: pretend he never She could say, you know what you
Speaker 3: should do. You should say, listen, I found the ring
Speaker 3: in the closet. I know you've mentioned to me a
Speaker 3: couple of times you were going to propose to me.
Speaker 3: If you are thinking about proposing, I don't think this
Speaker 3: is the time. I think we have some issues we
Speaker 3: have to work through, and I want to take the
Speaker 3: pressure off of you and me. We have the baby,
Speaker 3: we're dealing with some stuff, and let's try and do
Speaker 3: some couples counseling. And if after that we still feel
Speaker 3: like we have a relationship, then we could talk about
Speaker 3: getting married again, but take it off the table, because
Speaker 3: then that kind of takes the pressure out of the
Speaker 3: balloon or whatever for sure balloon.
Speaker 1: And also like that should be a boundary that you
Speaker 1: guys set up in therapy, is like here are some
Speaker 1: specific things you're not allowed to say to each other.
Speaker 1: Brad and I have our specific thing, like very specific
Speaker 1: lines of dialogue that we are never allowed to throw
Speaker 1: out in a fight, and this should be one of them,
Speaker 1: because he's like spoiled the idea of even getting married
Speaker 1: for you. So that's something to unpack, but not in
Speaker 1: a way of like should we or shouldn't we, in
Speaker 1: a way of like this is a line of dialogue
Speaker 1: I would love to have, just like it's not allowed
Speaker 1: in our or in our relationship. Well, let us know
Speaker 1: what happens and jump into some counseling. Well, our next
Speaker 1: question comes from Jordan. We've got a bit of a
Speaker 1: New Year's question, Chelsea. Jordan is calling in and the
Speaker 1: subject line of his email is everyone keeps falling in
Speaker 1: love with me, Dear Chelsea. I'm Jordan, thirty one from Melbourne, Australia,
Speaker 1: and I'm queer. This past year has been a roller coaster.
Speaker 1: I ended an eight year relationship, lost my father, quit
Speaker 1: my job to return to university, and had my dog
Speaker 1: pass away. So safe to say it's been a huge
Speaker 1: year of change, growth and self discovery. I'm reaching out
Speaker 1: for a relationship advice as we head into the new year.
Speaker 1: I ended my long term relationship of eight years because
Speaker 1: I wanted more personal growth and a shift in relationship preferences,
Speaker 1: one being monogamy. Since then, I've unintentionally entered three more relationships,
Speaker 1: admittedly a lot in ten months, despite my focus on
Speaker 1: self discovery and avoiding commitment. All three I've ended, breaking
Speaker 1: their hearts while I'm enjoying my current phase of exploration
Speaker 1: aka being a slut. I keep falling into these relationships
Speaker 1: even though I know it's the last thing I want
Speaker 1: and need. Despite being open about my intentions and actively
Speaker 1: avoiding dating, it keeps happening. I'm a people pleaser and
Speaker 1: naturally connect with others, which might be contributing to this pattern.
Speaker 1: Any advice on how to break the cycle would be
Speaker 1: greatly appreciated. Jordan, Hi, Jordan, Hello, how are you Hi?
Speaker 4: You can't stop making people fall in love?
Speaker 2: With you, it is a bit of a problem.
Speaker 4: Well can't you just keep your dick in your pants?
Speaker 2: No, I can't.
Speaker 8: I did for eight years in my relationship, which you know,
Speaker 8: As I said in my letter, I'm now at a
Speaker 8: point in my life for the first time in my
Speaker 8: life where I actually like myself and I think I'm
Speaker 8: quite attractive. So I want to be able to explore that.
Speaker 8: You know, I'm in a really good place with myself
Speaker 8: and want to keep doing that kind of stuff, but
Speaker 8: then just keep falling into these they are quite beautiful
Speaker 8: relationships with people, but knowing that it's really not something
Speaker 8: that I want or need at this time.
Speaker 3: Well, okay, so I mean I'm off for like having
Speaker 3: fun affairs with people without getting too attached. I'm with
Speaker 3: you on that, But so when you start to get attached,
Speaker 3: what are you thinking? Why do you continue hanging out
Speaker 3: with them because you're just having a good time.
Speaker 2: Because, yeah, because it's really nice.
Speaker 8: I find myself having these connections with people where I
Speaker 8: can just fully be myself, where I feel really comfortable
Speaker 8: with them, where I have similar similar likes and we
Speaker 8: can do nice things together and we have great sex,
Speaker 8: And then I kind of get to this point where
Speaker 8: I'm like, shit, it's it would be really hard to
Speaker 8: kind of end this right now, and I think I
Speaker 8: would really really miss it. And then if I do
Speaker 8: kind of cut things off, am I then just going
Speaker 8: to fall into the same thing with someone else?
Speaker 5: Well okay, so what's the problem with that that you're
Speaker 5: breaking everyone's heart?
Speaker 8: Is that your well, well, no, there's kind of multiple problems.
Speaker 8: It's that you know, I ended my year relationship. But
Speaker 8: one of the reasons why I did was because I
Speaker 8: really wanted to spend more time more time with myself,
Speaker 8: and I wanted to have more independence, and I wanted
Speaker 8: to be selfish and think about myself because you know,
Speaker 8: being with someone for eight years, you always want to
Speaker 8: kind of put them first and you want to think
Speaker 8: about them a lot. And then all of the little
Speaker 8: relationships I've forgotten into this year, I find myself putting
Speaker 8: that other person first and then putting myself second, and
Speaker 8: I end up, I don't know, I end up almost
Speaker 8: frustrated or almost resenting them that I have to kind
Speaker 8: of put them first, and I then will make an
Speaker 8: active decision where I say, you know, I'm not going
Speaker 8: to go dating anyone I'm going to try and just
Speaker 8: have little flings on the side, maybe make some friends,
Speaker 8: and then just suddenly, suddenly it happens and I'm in
Speaker 8: another I'm in another situation with someone.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, this is all your fault, Like, you know,
Speaker 3: you have to set a boundary with yourself because you're
Speaker 3: bound you can't follow your own Like you have to decide, okay,
Speaker 3: if you don't want people to fall in love with you,
Speaker 3: if you don't want to break people's hearts and you're
Speaker 3: having you want to have a casual sex, like you
Speaker 3: have to be very clear, which I'm sure you're being.
Speaker 4: Are you being clear upfront? Like I'm not in this
Speaker 4: for a relationship?
Speaker 2: I am, And it made it even harder.
Speaker 8: With the last relationship that I had, or the last
Speaker 8: longer one, which was I think or seven or eight months,
Speaker 8: was that I was pretty open throughout our relationship and
Speaker 8: I said, look, I'm in a really tough place where
Speaker 8: I love you and have a great connection with you,
Speaker 8: but I also don't think this is what I wanted
Speaker 8: the moment. But then the relationship kind of continued on
Speaker 8: even though I was open about that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think you have to be firmer with people.
Speaker 3: If you really are not interested in pursuing a relationship
Speaker 3: with someone who is getting attached to you, the most
Speaker 3: compassionate thing you can do is to just cut it off,
Speaker 3: unless you have no problem going through life just breaking
Speaker 3: a bunch of people's hearts. I don't think like karmically
Speaker 3: that's really what you want to do. What it sounds
Speaker 3: like you want to do is have a lot of
Speaker 3: casual sex with different people while getting to know yourself better.
Speaker 4: And there's nothing wrong with that, you know, But when.
Speaker 3: You go out with someone multiple times and you know,
Speaker 3: like we all know, when someone's more interested in a
Speaker 3: relationship than we are, and you need to be like
Speaker 3: decent enough that when you recognize that, you pull back
Speaker 3: and say, okay, let me cut this off now. Don't
Speaker 3: let it linger on and on, even when you've said
Speaker 3: it and they're like, okay, because listen, I've been on
Speaker 3: the receiving side of that. I'm sure you have too,
Speaker 3: where somebody's like, oh, I'm not looking for anything serious,
Speaker 3: and you think, well, they'll change their mind if you know,
Speaker 3: if they don't see me for a while, or if
Speaker 3: you know with me, I'm different.
Speaker 5: Everyone thinks that they can change somebody. So if you
Speaker 5: stay with someone.
Speaker 3: After you've told them that you're not serious, then that
Speaker 3: leads them to believe that they are changing your mind,
Speaker 3: and that's just making a bigger mess of things. So
Speaker 3: the boundary that you have is with yourself, like you
Speaker 3: have to stop it, you know, make an amount, like
Speaker 3: you're not going to see somebody more than three times,
Speaker 3: so that nobody gets attached to anybody until you're ready
Speaker 3: for an actual relationship. And this way, nobody can be
Speaker 3: that mad at you after three dates. Nobody's going to
Speaker 3: be like I was in love with you after three dates,
Speaker 3: and if they are, then that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: I'm away.
Speaker 8: Yeah, And I think that's what my ex said as well.
Speaker 8: When I broke up. They were like, you know, I
Speaker 8: gave you the opportunity to leave, and then I felt
Speaker 8: like that you were still in this and then it
Speaker 8: just kind of dragged on and on. And I think
Speaker 8: a big part of me kind of staying in these
Speaker 8: things comes down to spending the majority of my life
Speaker 8: feeling really insecure, feeling like I wasn't attractive, feeling like
Speaker 8: I was unlovable, and then I think suddenly having someone
Speaker 8: come in and be like.
Speaker 2: This person really likes me, multiple people like me. This
Speaker 2: is good. I need to cling to this.
Speaker 8: It's I think it's it's those you know, twenty eight
Speaker 8: years or thirty years of me feeling like I can't
Speaker 8: have that, I don't deserve that, and then suddenly it happens, and.
Speaker 3: I think, I'm like, what's happening is it's a great example,
Speaker 3: Like that's great people like you, so like, just you
Speaker 3: don't need others people's validation of how special you are
Speaker 3: anyway you do, because you've been dehydrated from it from
Speaker 3: during your eight year relationship. My girlfriend is also experiencing this.
Speaker 3: She's dating somebody and he's.
Speaker 5: All over her like so considerate, making all these plans
Speaker 5: for her, and she's and he's like, you know, so
Speaker 5: into her, and she's just like, I've never been treated
Speaker 5: this nicely and it's annoying, like I'm not attracted to it,
Speaker 5: and I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 3: You know it's so typical. But listen, you're attracting a
Speaker 3: lot of people. That's a great thing. Be respectful of
Speaker 3: other people and their feelings, and most importantly, respect yourself.
Speaker 3: Don't spread yourself so thin like this like, if you
Speaker 3: don't have the capacity for a relationship, don't lead anyone
Speaker 3: down that road, you know, And that's just a good
Speaker 3: way karmically for you to behave for when you are
Speaker 3: ready for your next relationship, and that way you're going
Speaker 3: to be treated with respect because you don't want someone
Speaker 3: coming into your life and messing with your emotions in
Speaker 3: that way. I mean, look how it made you feel
Speaker 3: for eight years.
Speaker 7: Absolutely, I think there's almost a sense of life almost
Speaker 7: as it's a fomo as well, when I meet these
Speaker 7: really beautiful people that suddenly I'm like, oh, but then
Speaker 7: this person then won't be in my life and that'll
Speaker 7: be really sad, and then I'm missing out on that connection.
Speaker 1: Well, you can still have them in your life, just
Speaker 1: like not in a sexual way for a little while.
Speaker 1: And I think if there is someone that you can't
Speaker 1: stop thinking of six months down the road or three
Speaker 1: months down the road, then like that is your gut
Speaker 1: telling you to go back and explore something a little
Speaker 1: bit more.
Speaker 2: Mmmmm.
Speaker 8: And I think with the last day year relationship, I
Speaker 8: thought I could change myself. I spent the entire time
Speaker 8: being like I don't think this is what I want,
Speaker 8: but I like this person, therefore, I'm going to really
Speaker 8: try and change it. And I just got to the
Speaker 8: end and I was like, I really tried to change
Speaker 8: how I was feeling, and I just I just couldn't.
Speaker 2: I couldn't do it.
Speaker 1: Something I get a sense about from you is that
Speaker 1: you're very good at mirroring, and you talk about being
Speaker 1: very good at people pleasing or that's like your m
Speaker 1: is people pleasing, and I do wonder, I wonder if
Speaker 1: you're seeing somebody, if you're seeing a therapist, is sort
Speaker 1: of like unpack some of this because getting rid of
Speaker 1: the people pleasing stuff to a healthy degree has been
Speaker 1: super life changing for me over the last.
Speaker 4: Are you in therapy, because now it would be a
Speaker 4: good time to start.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, Look, I've had a pretty crazy year and
Speaker 8: I hadn't been working for a while so we can
Speaker 8: come and money was a thing. And now I'm finally
Speaker 8: in a position or about to be in a position
Speaker 8: where I'm like, great, I can.
Speaker 2: At the top of my priority list.
Speaker 8: I need to talk about my shit it because after
Speaker 8: everything that's happened this year, I've kind of been just
Speaker 8: pushing it all down and being like I'm totally fine
Speaker 8: and I just know that it needs to just word
Speaker 8: vomit onto someone and really unpack it because I know
Speaker 8: that I know that there's a lot in them to.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and like think about your motivations for things too,
Speaker 3: Like you know what's your intention every time?
Speaker 4: It's good to take it down a notch.
Speaker 3: You're talking about getting to know yourself and then you're
Speaker 3: talking about getting lost in a bunch of other people.
Speaker 3: So those are two conflicting ideas. Also, you know, if
Speaker 3: you really want to get in touch with yourself, you
Speaker 3: should slow it down and fuck the fomo. It's not
Speaker 3: about missing out when you're trying to get to know yourself.
Speaker 3: It's about putting a deposit into your mental health for
Speaker 3: the future and for your future relationships. So be very
Speaker 3: generous with your care for others and also be very
Speaker 3: generous with your care for yourself.
Speaker 8: Yeah, I think I do keep putting other people's feelings
Speaker 8: and emotions before my own when I get into these things.
Speaker 4: Yeah, sactly be a selfish act as well.
Speaker 3: Even though it sounds like selfless, it can actually be
Speaker 3: a selfish thing when you're putting other peoples because that
Speaker 3: creates resentment, that creates all sorts of other emotions, and
Speaker 3: it's kind of like you think, like you're being drama. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's a little like dramatic because you're creating drama, Like
Speaker 3: I do all of this like I'm doing this for you.
Speaker 4: I'm doing this for you.
Speaker 3: You're kind of taking the responsibility off of yourself when
Speaker 3: it's your responsibility, you know.
Speaker 4: So I think you need to get your head out.
Speaker 3: Of your ass a little bit, get focused, get a
Speaker 3: good therapist, and just calm down a little bit. Just
Speaker 3: calm down. You don't need to fuck everybody. You can
Speaker 3: fuck a couple of people. Don't get involved with anybody
Speaker 3: when you're not emotionally available. You want to have a
Speaker 3: good time, go ahead and have it, that's all you,
Speaker 3: and then spend some time alone, spend quality time with
Speaker 3: yourself alone.
Speaker 1: You mentioned that somebody you're dating has a primary partner,
Speaker 1: and like, maybe that's a good route for you right now.
Speaker 1: Is like not somebody who's gonna be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm falling alone, someone who already has told you their
Speaker 1: boundary is that's my primary person. You're the side piece
Speaker 1: and kind of following that a little bit, Yeah.
Speaker 8: I think that's why I'm feeling a little bit more
Speaker 8: kind of comfortable with the one that's happening at the moment,
Speaker 8: is because I know that it's I don't know.
Speaker 2: I know that there's somewhat of.
Speaker 8: A boundary there already from them, so it means that
Speaker 8: I can't track them down with me.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, Jordan, on a completely superficial note, I will say,
Speaker 1: you are now very hot, and uh, you don't need
Speaker 1: to worry that you're not anymore.
Speaker 8: Oh god, thank you so much. Even at six staty
Speaker 8: in the morning.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, he's in Melbourne, so it's very early. Oh
Speaker 1: rise and shine. Yeah, I'll be there.
Speaker 3: I'm coming to Melbourne. I just announced my Australia dates.
Speaker 8: I saw I'll be moving to the Netherlands though in June,
Speaker 8: so I'm going to miss you and I'm really freshed.
Speaker 1: So you're moving in the Netherlands. Oh there you go.
Speaker 1: Well that'll be nice. Switch a Rooney too. There you go, Yes,
Speaker 1: all right, Jordan, keep us posted.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Thank you, bye bye bye.
Speaker 1: I mean, he is so good at mirroring. I think
Speaker 1: he and I are dating at the end of that call,
Speaker 1: so I think we have time for like one more question,
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty six year old woman with
Speaker 1: a great career, great family and friends, and a kick
Speaker 1: ass dog. The one thing in my life I can't
Speaker 1: sort out are my romantic relationships. I've been married and divorced,
Speaker 1: no kids, and been in serial long term relationships for
Speaker 1: most of my twenties and thirties. I promise myself a
Speaker 1: year of celibacy and focusing on myself, and when that
Speaker 1: year was up in August, I dipped my toe back
Speaker 1: in the dating apps. I soon met my current boyfriend.
Speaker 1: We took it slow, and after three months of dating,
Speaker 1: are an official couple and very serious about each other.
Speaker 1: It feels great, healthy and mature. Thank you therapy. So
Speaker 1: what's the problem. My track record of relationship train wrecks
Speaker 1: has scarred my parents so badly. They're no longer interested
Speaker 1: in meeting or getting to know this wonderful man I'm
Speaker 1: not dating.
Speaker 3: They were like, I remember once one year, They're like,
Speaker 3: you're not allowed to bring friends or lovers on They
Speaker 3: all my friends. I'd always bring some gay guy home
Speaker 3: with me that would like ruin the get so wasted, or.
Speaker 1: Do something suck all the air out of the room.
Speaker 1: I always come with one gay man. My dad refuses
Speaker 1: to even hear anything about my dating life, since he
Speaker 1: says he's sick of hearing about it. It should be
Speaker 1: noted that after his second divorce, I listened to and
Speaker 1: supported him through his many ill advised rebounds, But I digress.
Speaker 1: My mom, who I am extremely close to and love immensely,
Speaker 1: is normally inviting and eager to welcome any guest into
Speaker 1: her home, but she told me she does not want
Speaker 1: my boyfriend to visit with me during the holidays. Her
Speaker 1: exact words were, I can't get close to someone when
Speaker 1: we both know it likely isn't going to work out. Ouch.
Speaker 1: I feel like the ultimate loser asshole whose entire family
Speaker 1: collectively rolls their eyes when they announce her seeing someone
Speaker 1: new wouldn't surprise me. If there's a when will Sarah
Speaker 1: shit the bet on this one pool? I'd made plans
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend for him to spend two days with
Speaker 1: me at my mom's house and have had now to
Speaker 1: call and uninvite him and explain that my own family
Speaker 1: thinks these things about me. I'm writing this letter after
Speaker 1: crying into my pillow like a little bit after that conversation.
Speaker 1: I mean, who wants to be with someone even their
Speaker 1: own family thinks is such a loser. How can I
Speaker 1: cope with this and change my family's perspective? Is it
Speaker 1: even worth it? Are they right to set these boundaries?
Speaker 1: And am I being a huge baby about all of this? Help?
Speaker 1: See and see, I know you'll give it to me straight.
Speaker 3: I would say to this that you should respect your
Speaker 3: family's wishes on this one. The only way to change
Speaker 3: your family's mind about you is to start changing your behavior.
Speaker 3: And by changing your behavior means not bringing someone to
Speaker 3: the holiday, since that is your pattern. Just don't you
Speaker 3: already uninvented your boyfriend great or you know, the new guy,
Speaker 3: and just respect your family's wishes and then show them
Speaker 3: a change, like if in six months you guys are
Speaker 3: still together, then you can introduce him. Don't prematurely introduce
Speaker 3: people to your family that they because that's what you've done,
Speaker 3: and just show them over time by going to Christmas
Speaker 3: without him, you're showing that you're respecting their wishes. And
Speaker 3: that's the first step in saying like, Okay, I hear
Speaker 3: what you're saying, and I do want to make a change.
Speaker 1: And this is my first demonstration of that. Totally agree.
Speaker 1: I think the proof is in the pudding. And so
Speaker 1: hopefully next year when you guys are still together and
Speaker 1: you say like you show them like, hey, we've been
Speaker 1: together almost a year and bring them along. I think
Speaker 1: that's all you gotta do. This is a wait and see.
Speaker 1: But go have a great time for the holidays, and
Speaker 1: you know, you can talk about how great your boyfriend is,
Speaker 1: but save your parents the heartache if there is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: hopefully there won't be show out Chellam. Yes, well, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: this has been very fun and I'm excited for you
Speaker 1: to spend some time up shushing in the snow.
Speaker 3: And yeah, I have to get my birthday ready. Start
Speaker 3: time to start brainstorming my birthday video.
Speaker 1: Yay, very excited.
Speaker 4: Okay, thank you everybody, We'll be back. We love you.
Speaker 4: Have a happy holiday everybody.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for listening, and thanks for all
Speaker 3: the favorite podcast dms and mentions we got. And I
Speaker 3: love that we have so many fans everywhere. At all
Speaker 3: my shows on the road, everyone's always coming up talking
Speaker 3: about the podcast, So I really appreciate everyone listening all
Speaker 3: the time.
Speaker 1: I'm glad we have a community. Yeah, it's fantastic, and
Speaker 1: you know. If you haven't left a review, go ahead.
Speaker 3: And leave one, leave a review or write a call
Speaker 3: in you know. If you want advice, feel free please
Speaker 3: do We always need callers.
Speaker 1: Chelsea. Do have some new dates for us? Oh you know,
Speaker 1: I do?
Speaker 6: You know?
Speaker 1: I do?
Speaker 5: I have a lot of We added lots of Canadian cities, Canadians,
Speaker 5: I'm coming.
Speaker 1: We added.
Speaker 5: About fifteen new tour dates. I'm coming to Denver again,
Speaker 5: Salt Lake City, Vancouver, Richmond, Virginia, Santa Rosa, California, Gary
Speaker 5: and Diana, Baltimore, Rona, New York and about seven dates
Speaker 5: in Canada. So go to Chelseahandler dot com. I am
Speaker 5: performing everywhere. I will be on tour all for the
Speaker 5: rest of the year through December, and then next year
Speaker 5: I'm going to be touring all year.
Speaker 4: So come and get it, you guys.
Speaker 5: It's good times and it's a very much needed reprieve
Speaker 5: from all the fucking madness that's going on in this world.
Speaker 5: So I'm here to bring joy and sunshine.
Speaker 1: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 1: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law, and
Speaker 1: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
Speaker 1: com