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Speaker 1: Hi, Hi Catherine. Oh hi Chelsea, Hi, I still have

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Speaker 1: deep throat boys. Oh my gosh, Chelsea, where are you now?

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Speaker 2: Well?

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Speaker 3: I just did a road trip mm hmm with my

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Speaker 3: new dog, Mochi, who's a five year old child.

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Speaker 1: I saw a picture of him and he is pretty

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Speaker 1: much the cutest thing I've ever seen.

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Speaker 3: He's a big, fat baby. He's seventy pounds, so it's

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Speaker 3: exactly my body type. And I took him and Bernice

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Speaker 3: and he had never flown before, so his family didn't

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Speaker 3: want him anymore because they had a baby or something.

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Speaker 1: So I had to pick him up.

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Speaker 3: And he had never been on a plane, so I

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Speaker 3: didn't want to freak him out because you know, like

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Speaker 3: and fly him up to Whistler. But no one in

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Speaker 3: my family thought I could do it. Everyone's like, do

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Speaker 3: not go on a road trip from LA to Whistler, Chelsea,

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Speaker 3: like yourself with Bernice and Mochi meeting for the first

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Speaker 3: time and then in a car together for I mean

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Speaker 3: two days.

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Speaker 4: Basically, I went through to San Francisco.

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Speaker 3: I stayed with my sister one night, and then my

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Speaker 3: friend Kelly from Whistler was like, let me come down

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Speaker 3: and meet you. You're not competent enough to drive yourself

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Speaker 3: to Whistler. And I was like, no, because all I

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Speaker 3: wanted to do was be alone and bond with my dogs.

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Speaker 3: But you can't really bond with a new dog when

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Speaker 3: you're driving, right. Bernie's is a good girl, and I

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Speaker 3: was gonna leave her behind this winter because my Belle.

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Speaker 3: She's happy at my Bell's and she's got Felix, her boyfriend, who's.

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Speaker 5: Our dog guy at the house. But she's just been

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Speaker 5: looking so cute lately.

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Speaker 3: I just couldn't bear this might be her last year

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Speaker 3: with us. She's older, but she's so cute.

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Speaker 1: She's really scrumpshot.

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Speaker 4: So I had to take her.

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Speaker 5: I had to take her, and if she doesn't, I'm

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Speaker 5: going to stay until I've towed the Critics' Choice Awards. Oh,

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Speaker 5: by the way, I just announced new dates in Australia, everybody,

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Speaker 5: and New Zealand, so take a look at those on

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Speaker 5: Chelseahandler dot com.

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Speaker 4: And I am coming to Salt Lake City.

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Speaker 3: There are tickets for that, and all my Canadian dates

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Speaker 3: are this winter, so you know, follow me and you'll

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Speaker 3: find out anyway.

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Speaker 1: Bernice is she's a good traveler.

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Speaker 3: She is, actually she doesn't want any trouble. She just

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Speaker 3: like wants to mind her business. And she's good with

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Speaker 3: other dogs. Yeah, she gets annoyed if they like, you know, come.

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Speaker 4: Like bother her, but she's good.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So I have a new family and we'll see how long.

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Speaker 3: And oh what I was saying is if it doesn't

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Speaker 3: work out like with Brinice doesn't like Whistler and she's

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Speaker 3: not into the snow. There's not a lot of snow

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Speaker 3: here yet, m m, then I will take her back

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Speaker 3: in January when I come.

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Speaker 1: Back to the beach.

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Speaker 6: Choice.

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Speaker 3: But Mochi's going to stay with me, and they'll keep

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Speaker 3: each other company when I'm skiing and doing my bad

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Speaker 3: parenting exactly.

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Speaker 1: They can be each other's pack. Well, Chelsea, I know

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Speaker 1: you usually do family stuff for the holidays. Is there

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Speaker 1: anything you're looking forward to?

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Speaker 4: Oh, you know what's happening this year.

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Speaker 3: I'm moving out of my house so I can move

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Speaker 3: into a bigger house that I had to rent for

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Speaker 3: my family.

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Speaker 1: So that's what I'm doing. You're a new house that

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Speaker 1: just got finished or no, your house was no, no.

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Speaker 3: No, because that's never going to be finished.

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Speaker 4: That's in la. I just saw that house.

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Speaker 3: And it's still not done. Just although it's going to

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Speaker 3: be gorgeous, just in time for me to move to

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Speaker 3: New York City.

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Speaker 1: Excellent.

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Speaker 4: But I've already lost interest in that house. It's taken

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Speaker 4: so long.

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Speaker 3: Anytime anything takes long, I can't I've lost interest.

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Speaker 1: I don't care. Well, it's hard to be like, have

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Speaker 1: the same passion for something that you had three years ago.

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Speaker 4: I bought that I ordered the floors for that house

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Speaker 4: two years ago.

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Speaker 3: That is years ago, so obviously, like, but Carla is

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Speaker 3: staying back and she is battening down the hatches.

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Speaker 1: She's whipping everyone into shape.

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Speaker 3: So there's been more progress progress, I'm saying because I'm

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Speaker 3: saying it like that now because I'm in Canada, and

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Speaker 3: there's been more progress since she's been staying behind, So

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Speaker 3: that's been helpful.

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Speaker 2: Good.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think she'll whip everybody into shape and gets

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Speaker 1: shipped done.

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Speaker 3: So my family arrives momentarily, you know, in a couple

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Speaker 3: of days, and then we have a house for a week,

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Speaker 3: and then they leave and then I have like three

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Speaker 3: weeks off before my next date in Vancouver or Kelowna

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Speaker 3: or Edmonton, wherever the hell I'm going next.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it sounds like I do need it.

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Speaker 1: I do need it, get into bed and then like

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Speaker 1: not move for at least a week of that. I

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Speaker 1: know that's I can't wait.

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Speaker 3: I need sleep and skis and skis skis will rejuvenate me.

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Speaker 1: Today is our holiday episode, Chelsea.

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Speaker 4: Which holiday are we celebrating.

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Speaker 1: We're celebrating all of them, Kanza, Christmas, all the things Anica.

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Speaker 1: We have some holiday themed questions. Some callers talking about

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Speaker 1: the new year. Okay, great, Yes, So my fifteen year

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Speaker 1: old nephew and I'm not sure if anyone else in

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Speaker 1: my family realizes what he has asked for. And he's like,

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Speaker 1: not into drugs whatever, but he asked for a book

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Speaker 1: on finding psilocybin mushrooms in the forest. You know that,

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Speaker 1: the mushroom guy, Paul Stamitz. He asked for a book

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Speaker 1: from him, and I was like, I told my sister,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm going to get that for him,

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Speaker 1: thinking she didn't know what it was. And she's like, oh, no,

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Speaker 1: Grandma's gonna get that for him. So he wants a

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Speaker 1: psilocybin book and everyone's fine, that's.

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Speaker 3: Fine, who cares, I mean, let everybody. The more educated

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Speaker 3: people are about drugs the better.

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Speaker 1: I kind of agree, and I said, I would like

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Speaker 1: to supplement that with How to Change Your Mind. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's a good book, right, which is by Michael polland

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Speaker 1: Michael Pollin. Yeah, by Michael Pollan. And then my sister

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Speaker 1: was like, no, wait till he's twenty. I'm like, but

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Speaker 1: it's not something that makes you want to do drugs.

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Speaker 3: It's just everybody, no, exactly, it's good to be educated. Also,

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Speaker 3: that's what I gave everybody. That's Christmas. I gave everybody

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Speaker 3: two books. That's what I sent out for Christmas gifts,

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Speaker 3: The Great Alone and Atomic Habits.

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Speaker 1: Oh fantastic, very different books.

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Speaker 3: So that, yeah, that's my gift to everyone. I'm just

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Speaker 3: only giving books out from now on.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's good.

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Speaker 2: M hmm.

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Speaker 4: I'm still reading Tomorrow, Tomorrow, tomorrow.

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Speaker 3: But I mean, I'm just not that interested in that book,

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Speaker 3: even though everyone else loves it so much.

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Speaker 1: Oh see, I started it and I'm very into it.

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Speaker 4: Really, it was so interesting about it, you know.

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Speaker 1: What, I because I knew you said this a couple

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Speaker 1: of weeks ago.

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Speaker 5: And I've never taken It's never taken me longer to

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Speaker 5: read a book. But that's also really writing my book.

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Speaker 5: So I'm writing a book, so my focus is really there,

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Speaker 5: and then in between I read.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like it reads a little like a

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Speaker 1: genreving book, where it's really just about the character development

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Speaker 1: and sort of their interaction. I don't know. I like it.

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Speaker 5: But it's about gaming. It's it's all about gaming. Everyone

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Speaker 5: kept saying, it's not that. Don't worry, it's not about gaming.

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Speaker 5: It's all about gaming.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm only about a quarter of the way through,

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Speaker 1: but like it's sort of about I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: feel like it's about games as informs their relationship. That's

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Speaker 1: what I'm getting from. But I'm also only a quarter

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Speaker 1: of the way through.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I don't know how far I am.

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Speaker 3: I don't think i'm more than halfway through either, but

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Speaker 3: I guess i'll finish it.

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Speaker 1: Well, that's on everyone else's your endless but we'll not

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Speaker 1: put it on your year end list. No, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I know.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but the grade alone I will always recommend and

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Speaker 3: circ Yeah, yeah, you love that one.

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Speaker 1: I have that book. I'm going to read that again.

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Speaker 1: I haven't read it. I picked it up in a

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Speaker 1: bookstore the other day and I just I read a

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Speaker 1: few pages and I didn't know if like the prose

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Speaker 1: was for me. But I don't know.

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Speaker 5: Maybe I should give it a try. Oh from the beginning, Yeah,

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Speaker 5: it's you got to get into it. That's like a

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Speaker 5: fantasy book. Yeah, Greek mythology.

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Speaker 4: But I'm not into that either. But I loved it.

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Speaker 3: I love the use her just her writing is so powerful,

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Speaker 3: like she just knows how to finish a sentence or

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Speaker 3: write a sentence.

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Speaker 1: Speaking of your end lists, are there any like movies,

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Speaker 1: TV books that you experience this year that you love

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Speaker 1: and want to recommend?

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Speaker 3: Well, I need to watch all those movies for the Critics'

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Speaker 3: Choice Awards.

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Speaker 4: I haven't seen any of the movies yet. I only

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Speaker 4: saw My Maestro.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I saw that at a friend's house because

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Speaker 3: she was screening it.

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Speaker 1: And that was really good.

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Speaker 4: That Carrie Mulligan, it's fucking awesome.

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Speaker 1: She is just a yeah she is. Yeah, she's in

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Speaker 1: it and she's so good too. I love a period

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Speaker 1: piece Sarah Silverman, like she was in Masters of Sex.

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Speaker 1: I'm like dressed all nineteen fifties and yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, she does some good movie choices.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, she's fantastic. I did watch May December, which is

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Speaker 1: how is that.

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Speaker 4: I've heard mixed reviews about that.

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Speaker 1: It's very camp, but it's really interesting and I think

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Speaker 1: like it's very interesting to watch from like an acting standpoint,

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Speaker 1: and the story is really good. It's a lot about manipulation.

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Speaker 1: It's interesting too because you have all these like incredible

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Speaker 1: actors and yet the music is almost like TV movie music,

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Speaker 1: Like it's very dunt dun dun duh, and it's a

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Speaker 1: very chousic is off.

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Speaker 4: That's what they said, that it doesn't add up to

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Speaker 4: the movies.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but see, I I loved that choice because there's

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Speaker 1: sort of like a revelation at the end. You understand

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Speaker 1: why they sort of made that sort of cheesy choice.

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Speaker 1: But the acting is incredible, the story is really good.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot of manipulation and you kind of like

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Speaker 1: power dynamics shifting and it's really cool. Yea's really cool.

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Speaker 3: Well, I've been watching a lot of TV, but I

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Speaker 3: can't even remember what I'm watching.

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Speaker 4: I'm watching The Gilded Age.

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Speaker 1: That what I'm watching. I haven't seen the second season yet,

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Speaker 1: but I don't even know what I'm watching half the time.

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Speaker 4: I Mean, I just.

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Speaker 1: Don't even know.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, sometimes I'm paying attention. Sometimes I'm not.

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Speaker 3: When I came home from my last dight in Ottawa,

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Speaker 3: which was so fun, Toronto crowds were so awesome, Otta

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Speaker 3: was I was so awesome. I landed on a Sunday,

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Speaker 3: went out thinking I was dying.

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Speaker 4: On the Sunday, I'm dying.

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Speaker 3: I was like, oh my god, No, I was so sick,

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Speaker 3: and I had two Christmas things to go do, and

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Speaker 3: I was like, I kept trying to get out of

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Speaker 3: both of them. I ended up getting home at two

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Speaker 3: am Sunday night at two am, this is last week.

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Speaker 3: Then Monday, I had another thing. I had a goop

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Speaker 3: thing for Gwyneth, and then I had another thing, and

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Speaker 3: then we went out to dinner, and I and I

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Speaker 3: went out again, and then it's just it was non stop.

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Speaker 1: Give yourself a bedtime.

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Speaker 4: I know, I don't know what I think I'm doing anymore.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I think I'm thirty thirty years old and

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Speaker 3: I'm not thirty years old, and I need like I

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Speaker 3: need to I need like a pump of adrenaline or something. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: you know, but you know I need a shot of energy.

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Speaker 1: The best thing to give you that is just.

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Speaker 4: Like a ball is what I need? I need an

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Speaker 4: eight ball? Who has an eight ball?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 1: You know what you got to do the suburban speedball,

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Speaker 1: which is like your first drink is an espresso Martini

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Speaker 1: and then you do something out.

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Speaker 4: Espresso Martini's fucking work.

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Speaker 5: They wake you up, They wake you up, and then

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Speaker 5: you have a butt and it's great.

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Speaker 2: Uh huh.

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Speaker 1: You can't do too many of that because then you'll

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Speaker 1: be up all night or your heart could explode. Like

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Speaker 1: these people who drank these extreme lemonades. Have you heard

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Speaker 1: about this?

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Speaker 2: Who?

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Speaker 1: Yes, at this particular fast food chain. I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to say which one, but two people have died after

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Speaker 1: drinking these cafinated lemonades. Is it like a red bull?

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Speaker 4: It's like a red so they had a heart attack.

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Speaker 1: Yep, he had a heart attack and died. Two people

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Speaker 1: have died after drinking men.

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Speaker 4: Did they take they recall them?

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Speaker 7: No?

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Speaker 1: I don't think Yeah, I don't think they've it yet.

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Speaker 1: We don't know if that was what caused it. But

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Speaker 1: they died. Doesn't sound like a positive situation. Oh, it's

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Speaker 1: all crazy anyway, don't drink over caffee to drinks everybody. Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: should we go to some callers. I also have some

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Speaker 1: follow ups. Okay, so Chelsea, you know, we have our

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Speaker 1: NYC girls who are child free and have been chatting,

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Speaker 1: and I've been putting them all together. They started like

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Speaker 1: a WhatsApp group and they're all chatting. Well, they got

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Speaker 1: together for the first time and we got a really

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Speaker 1: sweet email from them. I love it. Yes, and Courtney

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Speaker 1: was the one who sent this in. She said, thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for taking the time to connect this

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Speaker 1: group of women, and it was so energizing to meet

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Speaker 1: for brunch in NYC this past weekend. Turns out we

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Speaker 1: all feel like black sheep, oftentimes for more reasons than

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Speaker 1: just choosing to be child free or single. We're all

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Speaker 1: independent and successful in our own right. Some have partners

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Speaker 1: and others are struggling in the dating scene. We're often

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Speaker 1: the ones paving various paths away from the norms we

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Speaker 1: come from, and uniting for brunch today felt like a

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Speaker 1: new home. It's so refreshing to have a community that

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Speaker 1: we rather seamlessly fit into, and we all thank you

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Speaker 1: and Chelsea for uniting us via her podcast. That meeting

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Speaker 1: launched plans to travel, to play sports, have trivia nights,

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Speaker 1: to help promote each other and our businesses to drink

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Speaker 1: and eat together from here. Thank you and happy holidays.

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Speaker 1: Love the NYC Child Free Crew. You've united. Ps. The

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Speaker 1: table behind us had maybe twenty people, at least half

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Speaker 1: were toddlers. And of course this was a total shit show.

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Speaker 1: We couldn't help but realize the sheer comedy of it all.

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Speaker 1: No regrets, how is wee? Oh wow, I know, look

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Speaker 1: at these fabulous women.

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Speaker 4: Oh my god, No, that's so cool.

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Speaker 1: Very happy for them. There have been a couple ladies

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Speaker 1: who've reached out about Chicago. So Chicago, if you want

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Speaker 1: to start a group, let me know, and then I

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Speaker 1: have one other. This feels like a fun holiday surprise,

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Speaker 1: though it's not exactly holiday. But Brooke had written in

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Speaker 1: way back on our Jamie Green Burke ep and she

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Speaker 1: was struggling with infertility and looking for ways to be positive.

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Speaker 1: So you and Jamie gave her some really good advice.

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Speaker 1: She says, You're Chelsea. I wanted to thank you for

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Speaker 1: taking the time to chat with me, offer advice and

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Speaker 1: let me share the story of my miscarriage. It was

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Speaker 1: so helpful to hear the perspectives from three different women.

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Speaker 1: Jamie I'd especially like to thank you for sharing your

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Speaker 1: personal story as well. Since we talked, I'm happy to

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Speaker 1: report I have good news to share. My rainbow baby

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Speaker 1: girl is finally here. She was born in March a

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Speaker 1: Pisces like you, ladies, which we love, and Chelsea, I

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Speaker 1: know you'll be proud of me. For the first time ever,

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Speaker 1: I started speaking to a therapist on a weekly basis

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Speaker 1: who specialize in perinatal and maternal anxiety. It's been helpful

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Speaker 1: to gain tools for helping myself de escalate and relax

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Speaker 1: in my times of spiraling, and I know that toning

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Speaker 1: down my overthinking mind is good for both me and

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Speaker 1: the baby. So I'm doing everything i can. The meditation

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Speaker 1: thing I'm still working on, but I've come to love

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Speaker 1: long walking meditations with my daughter and the stroller. Thank

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Speaker 1: you again. I can't get enough of your podcast and

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Speaker 1: still tune in every week. Keep doing what you're doing.

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Speaker 5: Brook, That's great, Yes, Jamie, Jamie listens to every podcast,

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Speaker 5: So Jamie, way to go, Jamie.

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Speaker 1: You finally have contributed something to the world. You you

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Speaker 1: ladies got Brooke pregnant.

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Speaker 3: Jamie's recently got kicked off of her own daughter's softball

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Speaker 3: team because she's in one of those sideline moms.

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Speaker 1: Well she didn't get kicked off, but.

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Speaker 3: She has to stop going to games for her daughter's

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Speaker 3: mental health. She's she's such an asshole. At the games

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Speaker 3: that she had. Her daughter was like, she goes, I

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Speaker 3: don't think I'm going to come to any games anymore,

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Speaker 3: and her daughter's like, I think that's best.

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Speaker 1: Oh no, I think old is so ridiculous. She's so competitive.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god. I knew she really enjoyed going to these,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't know it was like that. Yeah, I know,

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Speaker 1: I guess. Yeah, we love Jamie. Well, let's take a

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Speaker 1: quick break and we'll come back with some questions. OK, guys,

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Speaker 1: and we're back. So our first caller today, Chelsea, is Lauren.

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Speaker 1: She lives right here in California and says, Dear Chelsea,

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Speaker 1: I am a child free woman who has three adult

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Speaker 1: step children ranging from thirty five to forty three years old.

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Speaker 1: I've been with my husband for twenty nine years. I've

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Speaker 1: given my all to being a good step parent, but

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Speaker 1: my step children expect a lot from me and don't reciprocate.

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Speaker 1: They do nothing for me for Mother's Day or my birthday.

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Speaker 1: But expect me to put on a Norman Rockwell holidays

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Speaker 1: for them while they don't contribute or do so minimally.

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Speaker 1: They also blame me, not their dad when they don't

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Speaker 1: get their way, such as when their dad and I

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Speaker 1: visit my family for one of the holidays. I've grown

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Speaker 1: resentful and don't want to be the family lightning rod anymore.

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Speaker 1: I've tried to communicate with them, but it has not

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Speaker 1: gone well. My thought is to disengage from them, but

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Speaker 1: that would be tricky. Been a supportive of me, but

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Speaker 1: he too is at a loss of what to do.

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Speaker 1: I'm again dreading the holidays this year, which really sucks.

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Speaker 1: I would appreciate any advice you have. Thank you. Lauren.

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Speaker 4: Hi Hi, Lauren, Hi, Hi.

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Speaker 1: How are you?

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Speaker 6: I'm doing well?

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Speaker 3: How are you just hanging on by a thread like

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Speaker 3: we all are during the holiday season?

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Speaker 1: Yes, truly.

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Speaker 3: So it sounds like you don't know you're not looking

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Speaker 3: forward to your holidays.

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Speaker 6: Well, I haven't the last few years and kind of

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Speaker 6: been doing a lot of soul searching about letting other

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Speaker 6: people decide what I'm going to be doing kind of

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Speaker 6: with my time, and you know, kind of need to

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Speaker 6: wanted to take back, like the joy you know of it,

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Speaker 6: and just feeling like sometimes you get kind of stuck

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Speaker 6: into what people think you should do. So you know,

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Speaker 6: there's a lot of expectations, which you know, you've talked

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Speaker 6: about with women about what we're supposed.

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Speaker 1: To be doing.

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Speaker 6: And you know, I'm a step pa and kind of

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Speaker 6: always been responsible person with my family and others.

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Speaker 1: How many step children do you have?

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Speaker 6: Three?

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Speaker 1: Three?

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Speaker 4: And how old were they when you guys got married.

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Speaker 1: How old were the kids?

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Speaker 6: Well, when I met my husband, we dated for quite

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Speaker 6: a while, but they were six eleven, fourteen and now

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Speaker 6: they're grown.

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Speaker 4: So do they think of you as a parent figure?

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Speaker 4: What's the dynamic?

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Speaker 2: Like?

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Speaker 6: Well, they do, but I feel like, and I know

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Speaker 6: I'm not ever going to be like at the level

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Speaker 6: of their parents, you know. I mean, I just feel

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Speaker 6: like I can take it for granted, it's not a

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Speaker 6: big deal. On my birthday or Mother's Day, they don't

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Speaker 6: plan anything, they don't do anything. I mean, I might

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Speaker 6: get flowers or something, and it's not that I want something,

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Speaker 6: but you know, just even saying, hey, let me take

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Speaker 6: you out for a cup of tea or a glass

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Speaker 6: of wine or something, and you know, it doesn't have

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Speaker 6: to be expensive. I don't. It's not that, it's just

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Speaker 6: kind of like Overlea, you just don't feel like you're yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 6: you feel I was just like just sort of like

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Speaker 6: I'm expected to do these things.

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Speaker 3: And you know, and what of your previous conversations with them,

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Speaker 3: you said they didn't go well in the letter, like,

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Speaker 3: give us an example, tell us what happened.

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Speaker 6: Well, it's kind of like they when I've told them.

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Speaker 6: I was talking to my stepdad with this Thanksgiving because

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Speaker 6: there was a big blow up because she found out

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Speaker 6: that we were supposed to go to my family and

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Speaker 6: I told my husband about it, and to be honest,

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Speaker 6: you know, I probably could have communicated better and said, hey,

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Speaker 6: you know because I told him, hey, you know, tell

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Speaker 6: them we're going to be my family, but we're here

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Speaker 6: for Christmas.

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Speaker 4: And meaning they're not invited to your family's Thanksgiving.

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Speaker 6: Well they could, but they they're not. They're not going

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Speaker 6: to come. They're not going to make the effort to

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Speaker 6: get on a plane and go. And so they had

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Speaker 6: Thanksgiving up our house.

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Speaker 1: With and without you.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, and they all really like stepped up and like

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Speaker 6: they were calling it. They were like which they wouldn't

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Speaker 6: do with me. They would just kind of assume that

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Speaker 6: I was posting the whole thing. And so they called

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Speaker 6: my husband before I left and said, hey, yeah, so

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Speaker 6: you know we're going to do this. We're going to

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Speaker 6: do that. You know. My husband's like, I'll roast the turkey.

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Speaker 6: He called me on Thanksgiving and asked me how to

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Speaker 6: do it.

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Speaker 1: I mean, well, and specifically, Lauren, I know you said

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Speaker 1: that even if it's hosted at one of the kids house,

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Speaker 1: they expect you to cook the entire meal and sort

439
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Speaker 1: of throw throw the whole party.

440
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:32,120
Speaker 6: Well, yeah, they going to my stepdaughter's house in another city.

441
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,920
Speaker 6: She said, we can have it up there. But then

442
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:39,080
Speaker 6: I'm kind of expected to come up and they don't

443
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:43,640
Speaker 6: plan anything. I go to the grocery store and they're like, okay,

444
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,119
Speaker 6: what are we going to do? And so, and you know,

445
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,240
Speaker 6: I think I've kind of let it happen that way.

446
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like you. Yeah,

447
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:52,520
Speaker 1: so I.

448
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,600
Speaker 6: Take responsibility for that. But I'll throw out an email

449
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,000
Speaker 6: saying what can you guys bring? And I don't hear anything,

450
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,520
Speaker 6: and you know, like a couple days before and then

451
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,320
Speaker 6: it's like okay, well, I don't know, you know, And

452
00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:07,920
Speaker 6: I said, then I have to kind of keep prodding them,

453
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:08,720
Speaker 6: and it's.

454
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,199
Speaker 3: It's just it sounds like you haven't done a very

455
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,679
Speaker 3: good job of creating any boundaries which I can relate to.

456
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:16,280
Speaker 4: I also am bad at creating boundaries, but you should.

457
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,520
Speaker 3: You need to, and clearly they stepped up and are

458
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,000
Speaker 3: capable of doing it in your absence, so that they're

459
00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:24,680
Speaker 3: so now that you you know, you can use Thanksgiving

460
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,080
Speaker 3: as a perfect example, like you guys really stepped up

461
00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,040
Speaker 3: over Thanksgiving. I would love for that to happen in

462
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,679
Speaker 3: Christmas and actually moving forward on all holidays. It's a

463
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,600
Speaker 3: lot of pressure on me to take care of everything.

464
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,840
Speaker 5: And you can also throw in there that you didn't

465
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,000
Speaker 5: appreciate spending Thanksgiving without your husband, you know what I mean.

466
00:19:40,119 --> 00:19:42,119
Speaker 5: That's it's you don't have to spend every Thanksgiving with

467
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:45,159
Speaker 5: you know, people split holidays all the time in divorces

468
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,480
Speaker 5: with their children, especially the adult children. I mean, they're married,

469
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,400
Speaker 5: They're going to go to their spouses at some point

470
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,120
Speaker 5: for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You have to set a new

471
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,639
Speaker 5: set of rules, like moving forward, This isn't your only burden.

472
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,880
Speaker 5: You're happy to have them all, but you need help

473
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,480
Speaker 5: and you need them to contry, and you have to

474
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,840
Speaker 5: get better at communicating because you're you're not I can

475
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:04,800
Speaker 5: tell that you haven't been.

476
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:08,879
Speaker 6: Yeah, I think I think that's fair. And I at

477
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,000
Speaker 6: first was like, okay, well, you guys just decide what

478
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,560
Speaker 6: you're going to do for the holidays and let me

479
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,520
Speaker 6: know and I'll work around it. But then I realized, no,

480
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,000
Speaker 6: you know, that's not okay, and I want to spend

481
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,520
Speaker 6: at least one of the holidays with my husband. So

482
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:20,960
Speaker 6: I just said, you know, we're going to do every

483
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,840
Speaker 6: other holiday and if you guys want to come out,

484
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,200
Speaker 6: you're always welcome, but you're going to have to make

485
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,879
Speaker 6: your own plans on that. And they did say after Thanksgiving,

486
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,520
Speaker 6: you know, I said, oh, it looks like you guys

487
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,960
Speaker 6: did a great job on all the food, and they're like, yeah, well,

488
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,199
Speaker 6: it just wasn't this. It was kind of hotchpotch. It

489
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,320
Speaker 6: wasn't It wasn't as good as when you're there. And so,

490
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,880
Speaker 6: you know, in fairness, they kind of recognize and it's like, well,

491
00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:44,679
Speaker 6: it doesn't have to be great, it doesn't have to

492
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 6: be you know whatever. I just you know, and so yeah,

493
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,879
Speaker 6: I realize I have to get better at community, and

494
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,880
Speaker 6: the more I've set the boundaries with them, I'm realizing

495
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,000
Speaker 6: it's coming back in with good results both for them

496
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:57,960
Speaker 6: and for me.

497
00:20:58,280 --> 00:20:58,600
Speaker 4: It is.

498
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, and this is a perfect jumping off point. This

499
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,560
Speaker 3: is a perfect like turning point. Since you did opt

500
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,679
Speaker 3: out for Thanksgiving to spend it with your own family,

501
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,360
Speaker 3: and they noticed your absence and the impact it had

502
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,560
Speaker 3: on the dinner, it's a perfect opportunity for you to go, Okay,

503
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,840
Speaker 3: moving forward, let's all work together so that there's not

504
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,120
Speaker 3: so I'm not responsible for everything, because it's really hard

505
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,080
Speaker 3: to provide for everyone. You're talking about six people now, right,

506
00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:24,280
Speaker 3: are they all married up? Yes, we're significant other right,

507
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:26,520
Speaker 3: so yeah, so that's not on you. And you didn't

508
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,760
Speaker 3: have those fucking kids. Also, fuck, I mean, I'm so

509
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,200
Speaker 3: sick of step parents having to do all this stuff.

510
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,240
Speaker 3: You know, it's enough. Where's their mother? By the way,

511
00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:37,359
Speaker 3: she around? Wh don't they go be with her?

512
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,159
Speaker 6: She leaves on the other side of the country. They

513
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,840
Speaker 6: see her at other times of the year.

514
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,160
Speaker 4: So when's your next holiday together? Christmas?

515
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:45,040
Speaker 6: Yeah?

516
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,399
Speaker 1: I think to give you some specific boundaries that you

517
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,040
Speaker 1: can set, whether you're hosting or someone else's hosting. I

518
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:55,360
Speaker 1: think is perfectly fair to say in advance let them know, like, hey,

519
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,080
Speaker 1: I'm going to make this one dish or these two dishes,

520
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,120
Speaker 1: and I would love for you guys to all bring something.

521
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,919
Speaker 1: Feel free to let me know what you're bringing, or

522
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,800
Speaker 1: you can just bring something, but letting them know, like

523
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,399
Speaker 1: the rest of the meal will be a group effort.

524
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,359
Speaker 1: It will be on them to bring some things as well.

525
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,960
Speaker 1: And the other thing is like, no one can force

526
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:15,800
Speaker 1: us to do something without us actually doing it, right,

527
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,040
Speaker 1: especially in this sort of circumstance where everyone expects you

528
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:23,080
Speaker 1: to lay out this beautiful meal, but like you are

529
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,960
Speaker 1: the one actually doing it. So on the day of,

530
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,840
Speaker 1: if it winds up being a hodgepodge, that's okay. You

531
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 1: don't actually have to be the one to like step

532
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,160
Speaker 1: in and save the day and make the mashed potatoes

533
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,720
Speaker 1: and everything else. Let it be a little bit of

534
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,639
Speaker 1: a hodgepodge, but say like, hey, I want to take

535
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,399
Speaker 1: a little bit more of a backseat this year. I'm

536
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,640
Speaker 1: going to make the turkey and the stuffing or whatever

537
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,040
Speaker 1: your thing your two major things are, and say would

538
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:46,440
Speaker 1: love for you guys to fill in the gaps with

539
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,000
Speaker 1: your other favorite dishes.

540
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,520
Speaker 4: And it's not a request. It's like, you know, that's

541
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,320
Speaker 4: how it's going to be.

542
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,240
Speaker 3: Like you have to frame it in a way that

543
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 3: it's not a you're not asking, you're telling them.

544
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,120
Speaker 1: Yes, and then you don't do anything that you didn't

545
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,080
Speaker 1: say you were going to do. The way the boundary

546
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,119
Speaker 1: gets broken is by you then doing the thing you

547
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,560
Speaker 1: said you weren't going to do. Right, So like, let

548
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,440
Speaker 1: it be a little messy. This is this is something

549
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,719
Speaker 1: I've learned with my with my in laws is I'll

550
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,440
Speaker 1: be like, hey, here's how I think it should be done,

551
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 1: and then when I'm ignored, I just have to be

552
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,200
Speaker 1: like okay, and then it's a little messy and guess what,

553
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,439
Speaker 1: Like everything is fine? Is it ideal? Maybe not, but

554
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:22,320
Speaker 1: it's fine.

555
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,840
Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm realizing because it's like I don't have that

556
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,159
Speaker 6: kind of energy that I used to have. Kind of

557
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,439
Speaker 6: the holidays have become like a day of work for me.

558
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,000
Speaker 6: It's like a.

559
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,640
Speaker 1: Work, right, It's like not fun and it's like preparing

560
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:35,720
Speaker 1: the day before and.

561
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:40,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, listen, everyone reacts to boundaries initially like they're offended,

562
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,199
Speaker 3: and then eventually it turns into respect and it's not

563
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,120
Speaker 3: long after the first offense, like the feeling of offense.

564
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:47,400
Speaker 1: So I just just.

565
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 3: Set the boundaries, send an email, put it together, and

566
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:54,160
Speaker 3: also have a little bit more oomph about what you're

567
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,359
Speaker 3: gonna fucking do and what you're not gonna do.

568
00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:57,960
Speaker 4: Don't let people take advantage of you.

569
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 3: You have one life to live, like, enjoy yourself and

570
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,440
Speaker 3: make sure people are respecting you and you feel good

571
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 3: about it, because then you're going to have a much

572
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:04,920
Speaker 3: better experience too.

573
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, looking forward to next year, people respond well to

574
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:13,199
Speaker 1: knowing what the expectation should be. So maybe there's some

575
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 1: regularity you can do where it's like, Okay, Thanksgiving we

576
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,160
Speaker 1: always been with my family, and Christmas we always spend

577
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,679
Speaker 1: with your family, to your husband, to the kids. And

578
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,800
Speaker 1: that can also be something that he's communicating.

579
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,600
Speaker 6: Yes, thank you, I really appreciate it, and I really

580
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:28,680
Speaker 6: love the podcast.

581
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,520
Speaker 3: Oh thanks Lauren. Get your shit together, okay, sister, Yes, okay, okay,

582
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,560
Speaker 3: stronger okay, right bye.

583
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,200
Speaker 1: Bye, And he says, dear Chelsea, I want to start

584
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,879
Speaker 1: off by saying how much I look forward to your

585
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,560
Speaker 1: podcast every week to always bring a smile to my face.

586
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 1: I'm writing in because my boyfriend of ten years, yes,

587
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 1: ten years, keeps hinting at an engagement. The funny story

588
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,679
Speaker 1: is he's been hinting at it for so long now

589
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 1: it's starting to feel a little boy who cried wolf.

590
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,639
Speaker 1: We had our son in October of twenty twenty, and

591
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,600
Speaker 1: I suffered from severe postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. He

592
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,720
Speaker 1: was not supportive during my struggle, and I have a

593
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 1: lot of resentment toward him because of it. I've been

594
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:08,160
Speaker 1: with my therapist for a little under a year now,

595
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,080
Speaker 1: and I'm working through all my postpartum issues. Through it all.

596
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:13,439
Speaker 1: Whenever we argue, he tells me and to think I

597
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,440
Speaker 1: bought you a ring and was going to propose. Oh God,

598
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 1: but I always thought he was bluffing. Recently, however, I

599
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,480
Speaker 1: was cleaning his side of the closet and came across

600
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,960
Speaker 1: a hidden area with a shirt crumpled into a ball.

601
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,679
Speaker 1: I lifted the shirt to fold it and found a

602
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:30,960
Speaker 1: jewelry box with an engagement ring inside of it. The

603
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,760
Speaker 1: thing is, I felt nothing, and then I felt irritated

604
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,919
Speaker 1: because of all the times he threw the idea of

605
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,560
Speaker 1: a ring in my face. He doesn't know I found it,

606
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,320
Speaker 1: and I'd like to keep it that way. But I

607
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,880
Speaker 1: guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here?

608
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,240
Speaker 1: I love him and I want our family to work,

609
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,880
Speaker 1: but I'm tired of being the forever girlfriend, or, as

610
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,600
Speaker 1: his sister so lovingly refers to me, the baby mama.

611
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,639
Speaker 1: With the holidays looming, I fear the question is about

612
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:59,000
Speaker 1: to be popped. Any advice is so appreciated, Annie, I

613
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,840
Speaker 1: don't know. I think no, and should get married.

614
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,639
Speaker 3: I mean, why legally bind yourself to any person, But

615
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,600
Speaker 3: when you have a child it becomes a different issue.

616
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,000
Speaker 1: I think, I don't know.

617
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,280
Speaker 3: It sounds like you should probably try counseling before you

618
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,199
Speaker 3: make any decision, because him not being understanding of your

619
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,840
Speaker 3: postpart of depression is a big red flag if he

620
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,399
Speaker 3: doesn't get that right, and I mean, he needs to

621
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:21,080
Speaker 3: understand why he's not empathetic enough. And also saying like

622
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 3: to think I was going to propose to you, That

623
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,719
Speaker 3: doesn't sound like a loving thing that any partner ex

624
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:28,639
Speaker 3: girls should ever say to someone. That's gross. So I

625
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,439
Speaker 3: would try counseling. I would try that with him, and

626
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:33,360
Speaker 3: if it doesn't.

627
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 1: Work, and I think counseling like with the intent of

628
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:39,920
Speaker 1: like improving your relationship, not necessarily should we or shouldn't

629
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 1: we get married? Yeah, don't put so much pressure on that.

630
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,040
Speaker 3: I've been talking to a new therapist who's like, you know,

631
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 3: talking about one of our main issues is like not

632
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,680
Speaker 3: trying to control the outcome of things, you know, especially

633
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:54,200
Speaker 3: with relationships. Don't go into therapy thinking like we're gonna

634
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,400
Speaker 3: fix everything. Go into therapy thinking we're gonna find out

635
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,920
Speaker 3: if we belong together, you know, like taking it more

636
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,199
Speaker 3: by moment and figuring out, like, because whatever the result is,

637
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,280
Speaker 3: you're gonna be Okay. It's not going to be the

638
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 3: end of the world if you leave your boyfriend. Easier

639
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 3: actually when you're not married to leave him and I

640
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,160
Speaker 3: understand that you have a child together, but like, your

641
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,800
Speaker 3: happiness is paramount, and if you if you've been going

642
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:17,760
Speaker 3: to counseling and you've been working on yourself, there's no

643
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:21,199
Speaker 3: reason he shouldn't be going also individually and together. Not

644
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 3: with the idea that, okay, we're gonna fix it and

645
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 3: get married, with the idea.

646
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,760
Speaker 4: That, okay, this is where we are, let's talk about it.

647
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,520
Speaker 3: If we're compatible enough to stay together and work through

648
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,920
Speaker 3: these issues and survive together, and you know, you don't

649
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,400
Speaker 3: have to throw it out right away. But it's good

650
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,600
Speaker 3: that you knew about the ring, you saw it, and

651
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,240
Speaker 3: it's good that he said that to you, because it's

652
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,159
Speaker 3: that's an icky thing to say, and that's one of

653
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,840
Speaker 3: the first things you should bring up in therapy.

654
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 1: Now, if he does propose sort of all over the holidays,

655
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,959
Speaker 1: oh with you, we would you preempt it and be like,

656
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 1: if you're thinking of asking, now is not the moment.

657
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,000
Speaker 1: Let's go get some couples counseling.

658
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:57,480
Speaker 3: Yes, I would definitely say if you're thinking about proposing

659
00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:59,119
Speaker 3: to me, but it sounds like this guy's going to

660
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,080
Speaker 3: pretend he never She could say, you know what you

661
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,440
Speaker 3: should do. You should say, listen, I found the ring

662
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,639
Speaker 3: in the closet. I know you've mentioned to me a

663
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 3: couple of times you were going to propose to me.

664
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,800
Speaker 3: If you are thinking about proposing, I don't think this

665
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,919
Speaker 3: is the time. I think we have some issues we

666
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 3: have to work through, and I want to take the

667
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:17,399
Speaker 3: pressure off of you and me. We have the baby,

668
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 3: we're dealing with some stuff, and let's try and do

669
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,639
Speaker 3: some couples counseling. And if after that we still feel

670
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,200
Speaker 3: like we have a relationship, then we could talk about

671
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,639
Speaker 3: getting married again, but take it off the table, because

672
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 3: then that kind of takes the pressure out of the

673
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:31,679
Speaker 3: balloon or whatever for sure balloon.

674
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 1: And also like that should be a boundary that you

675
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,600
Speaker 1: guys set up in therapy, is like here are some

676
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,760
Speaker 1: specific things you're not allowed to say to each other.

677
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,520
Speaker 1: Brad and I have our specific thing, like very specific

678
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:43,360
Speaker 1: lines of dialogue that we are never allowed to throw

679
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,200
Speaker 1: out in a fight, and this should be one of them,

680
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,800
Speaker 1: because he's like spoiled the idea of even getting married

681
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:51,960
Speaker 1: for you. So that's something to unpack, but not in

682
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 1: a way of like should we or shouldn't we, in

683
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,040
Speaker 1: a way of like this is a line of dialogue

684
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 1: I would love to have, just like it's not allowed

685
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:01,160
Speaker 1: in our or in our relationship. Well, let us know

686
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 1: what happens and jump into some counseling. Well, our next

687
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,239
Speaker 1: question comes from Jordan. We've got a bit of a

688
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 1: New Year's question, Chelsea. Jordan is calling in and the

689
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,520
Speaker 1: subject line of his email is everyone keeps falling in

690
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:22,600
Speaker 1: love with me, Dear Chelsea. I'm Jordan, thirty one from Melbourne, Australia,

691
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: and I'm queer. This past year has been a roller coaster.

692
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,600
Speaker 1: I ended an eight year relationship, lost my father, quit

693
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:30,800
Speaker 1: my job to return to university, and had my dog

694
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 1: pass away. So safe to say it's been a huge

695
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 1: year of change, growth and self discovery. I'm reaching out

696
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: for a relationship advice as we head into the new year.

697
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 1: I ended my long term relationship of eight years because

698
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 1: I wanted more personal growth and a shift in relationship preferences,

699
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: one being monogamy. Since then, I've unintentionally entered three more relationships,

700
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:54,239
Speaker 1: admittedly a lot in ten months, despite my focus on

701
00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:57,760
Speaker 1: self discovery and avoiding commitment. All three I've ended, breaking

702
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:01,000
Speaker 1: their hearts while I'm enjoying my current phase of exploration

703
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: aka being a slut. I keep falling into these relationships

704
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:06,720
Speaker 1: even though I know it's the last thing I want

705
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:10,200
Speaker 1: and need. Despite being open about my intentions and actively

706
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 1: avoiding dating, it keeps happening. I'm a people pleaser and

707
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:16,920
Speaker 1: naturally connect with others, which might be contributing to this pattern.

708
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 1: Any advice on how to break the cycle would be

709
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:24,360
Speaker 1: greatly appreciated. Jordan, Hi, Jordan, Hello, how are you Hi?

710
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 4: You can't stop making people fall in love?

711
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 2: With you, it is a bit of a problem.

712
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 4: Well can't you just keep your dick in your pants?

713
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:32,320
Speaker 2: No, I can't.

714
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:35,120
Speaker 8: I did for eight years in my relationship, which you know,

715
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:37,320
Speaker 8: As I said in my letter, I'm now at a

716
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:38,720
Speaker 8: point in my life for the first time in my

717
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,280
Speaker 8: life where I actually like myself and I think I'm

718
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 8: quite attractive. So I want to be able to explore that.

719
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,400
Speaker 8: You know, I'm in a really good place with myself

720
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,280
Speaker 8: and want to keep doing that kind of stuff, but

721
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 8: then just keep falling into these they are quite beautiful

722
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:59,200
Speaker 8: relationships with people, but knowing that it's really not something

723
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:01,680
Speaker 8: that I want or need at this time.

724
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:05,000
Speaker 3: Well, okay, so I mean I'm off for like having

725
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:09,000
Speaker 3: fun affairs with people without getting too attached. I'm with

726
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,560
Speaker 3: you on that, But so when you start to get attached,

727
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 3: what are you thinking? Why do you continue hanging out

728
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,480
Speaker 3: with them because you're just having a good time.

729
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,040
Speaker 2: Because, yeah, because it's really nice.

730
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,280
Speaker 8: I find myself having these connections with people where I

731
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 8: can just fully be myself, where I feel really comfortable

732
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:27,239
Speaker 8: with them, where I have similar similar likes and we

733
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:30,320
Speaker 8: can do nice things together and we have great sex,

734
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:32,800
Speaker 8: And then I kind of get to this point where

735
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 8: I'm like, shit, it's it would be really hard to

736
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 8: kind of end this right now, and I think I

737
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 8: would really really miss it. And then if I do

738
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,680
Speaker 8: kind of cut things off, am I then just going

739
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,240
Speaker 8: to fall into the same thing with someone else?

740
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,840
Speaker 5: Well okay, so what's the problem with that that you're

741
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:50,880
Speaker 5: breaking everyone's heart?

742
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 8: Is that your well, well, no, there's kind of multiple problems.

743
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 8: It's that you know, I ended my year relationship. But

744
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 8: one of the reasons why I did was because I

745
00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 8: really wanted to spend more time more time with myself,

746
00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:04,520
Speaker 8: and I wanted to have more independence, and I wanted

747
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:08,800
Speaker 8: to be selfish and think about myself because you know,

748
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:10,920
Speaker 8: being with someone for eight years, you always want to

749
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:13,200
Speaker 8: kind of put them first and you want to think

750
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,080
Speaker 8: about them a lot. And then all of the little

751
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,400
Speaker 8: relationships I've forgotten into this year, I find myself putting

752
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:22,040
Speaker 8: that other person first and then putting myself second, and

753
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,760
Speaker 8: I end up, I don't know, I end up almost

754
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:29,040
Speaker 8: frustrated or almost resenting them that I have to kind

755
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,480
Speaker 8: of put them first, and I then will make an

756
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,200
Speaker 8: active decision where I say, you know, I'm not going

757
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,320
Speaker 8: to go dating anyone I'm going to try and just

758
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,920
Speaker 8: have little flings on the side, maybe make some friends,

759
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,960
Speaker 8: and then just suddenly, suddenly it happens and I'm in

760
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,680
Speaker 8: another I'm in another situation with someone.

761
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 3: Okay, well, this is all your fault, Like, you know,

762
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:52,480
Speaker 3: you have to set a boundary with yourself because you're

763
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 3: bound you can't follow your own Like you have to decide, okay,

764
00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:57,520
Speaker 3: if you don't want people to fall in love with you,

765
00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,160
Speaker 3: if you don't want to break people's hearts and you're

766
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:01,880
Speaker 3: having you want to have a casual sex, like you

767
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 3: have to be very clear, which I'm sure you're being.

768
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,040
Speaker 4: Are you being clear upfront? Like I'm not in this

769
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 4: for a relationship?

770
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:08,880
Speaker 2: I am, And it made it even harder.

771
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:12,000
Speaker 8: With the last relationship that I had, or the last

772
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 8: longer one, which was I think or seven or eight months,

773
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,920
Speaker 8: was that I was pretty open throughout our relationship and

774
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:19,840
Speaker 8: I said, look, I'm in a really tough place where

775
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 8: I love you and have a great connection with you,

776
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 8: but I also don't think this is what I wanted

777
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,120
Speaker 8: the moment. But then the relationship kind of continued on

778
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 8: even though I was open about that.

779
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think you have to be firmer with people.

780
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 3: If you really are not interested in pursuing a relationship

781
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,040
Speaker 3: with someone who is getting attached to you, the most

782
00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 3: compassionate thing you can do is to just cut it off,

783
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 3: unless you have no problem going through life just breaking

784
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,040
Speaker 3: a bunch of people's hearts. I don't think like karmically

785
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,480
Speaker 3: that's really what you want to do. What it sounds

786
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:47,600
Speaker 3: like you want to do is have a lot of

787
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,800
Speaker 3: casual sex with different people while getting to know yourself better.

788
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:54,080
Speaker 4: And there's nothing wrong with that, you know, But when.

789
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:56,320
Speaker 3: You go out with someone multiple times and you know,

790
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 3: like we all know, when someone's more interested in a

791
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:02,400
Speaker 3: relationship than we are, and you need to be like

792
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:06,360
Speaker 3: decent enough that when you recognize that, you pull back

793
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,879
Speaker 3: and say, okay, let me cut this off now. Don't

794
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 3: let it linger on and on, even when you've said

795
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,400
Speaker 3: it and they're like, okay, because listen, I've been on

796
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,439
Speaker 3: the receiving side of that. I'm sure you have too,

797
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,760
Speaker 3: where somebody's like, oh, I'm not looking for anything serious,

798
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,160
Speaker 3: and you think, well, they'll change their mind if you know,

799
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 3: if they don't see me for a while, or if

800
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:25,920
Speaker 3: you know with me, I'm different.

801
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,600
Speaker 5: Everyone thinks that they can change somebody. So if you

802
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:31,000
Speaker 5: stay with someone.

803
00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:33,399
Speaker 3: After you've told them that you're not serious, then that

804
00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:36,040
Speaker 3: leads them to believe that they are changing your mind,

805
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 3: and that's just making a bigger mess of things. So

806
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,719
Speaker 3: the boundary that you have is with yourself, like you

807
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 3: have to stop it, you know, make an amount, like

808
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,120
Speaker 3: you're not going to see somebody more than three times,

809
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:49,320
Speaker 3: so that nobody gets attached to anybody until you're ready

810
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,440
Speaker 3: for an actual relationship. And this way, nobody can be

811
00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 3: that mad at you after three dates. Nobody's going to

812
00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:57,400
Speaker 3: be like I was in love with you after three dates,

813
00:34:57,400 --> 00:34:58,960
Speaker 3: and if they are, then that's ridiculous.

814
00:34:59,000 --> 00:34:59,440
Speaker 1: I'm away.

815
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 8: Yeah, And I think that's what my ex said as well.

816
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 8: When I broke up. They were like, you know, I

817
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 8: gave you the opportunity to leave, and then I felt

818
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:08,960
Speaker 8: like that you were still in this and then it

819
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:10,520
Speaker 8: just kind of dragged on and on. And I think

820
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:12,399
Speaker 8: a big part of me kind of staying in these

821
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:16,480
Speaker 8: things comes down to spending the majority of my life

822
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,719
Speaker 8: feeling really insecure, feeling like I wasn't attractive, feeling like

823
00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 8: I was unlovable, and then I think suddenly having someone

824
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 8: come in and be like.

825
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:27,120
Speaker 2: This person really likes me, multiple people like me. This

826
00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 2: is good. I need to cling to this.

827
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,959
Speaker 8: It's I think it's it's those you know, twenty eight

828
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:35,520
Speaker 8: years or thirty years of me feeling like I can't

829
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,200
Speaker 8: have that, I don't deserve that, and then suddenly it happens, and.

830
00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:41,960
Speaker 3: I think, I'm like, what's happening is it's a great example,

831
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:44,920
Speaker 3: Like that's great people like you, so like, just you

832
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:48,279
Speaker 3: don't need others people's validation of how special you are

833
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:52,399
Speaker 3: anyway you do, because you've been dehydrated from it from

834
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,400
Speaker 3: during your eight year relationship. My girlfriend is also experiencing this.

835
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:57,040
Speaker 3: She's dating somebody and he's.

836
00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,080
Speaker 5: All over her like so considerate, making all these plans

837
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,080
Speaker 5: for her, and she's and he's like, you know, so

838
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,600
Speaker 5: into her, and she's just like, I've never been treated

839
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:08,239
Speaker 5: this nicely and it's annoying, like I'm not attracted to it,

840
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:09,840
Speaker 5: and I'm like, oh my god.

841
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:13,040
Speaker 3: You know it's so typical. But listen, you're attracting a

842
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:15,759
Speaker 3: lot of people. That's a great thing. Be respectful of

843
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:19,080
Speaker 3: other people and their feelings, and most importantly, respect yourself.

844
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:21,680
Speaker 3: Don't spread yourself so thin like this like, if you

845
00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:24,320
Speaker 3: don't have the capacity for a relationship, don't lead anyone

846
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 3: down that road, you know, And that's just a good

847
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,399
Speaker 3: way karmically for you to behave for when you are

848
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,400
Speaker 3: ready for your next relationship, and that way you're going

849
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,279
Speaker 3: to be treated with respect because you don't want someone

850
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:37,600
Speaker 3: coming into your life and messing with your emotions in

851
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,799
Speaker 3: that way. I mean, look how it made you feel

852
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:40,440
Speaker 3: for eight years.

853
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 7: Absolutely, I think there's almost a sense of life almost

854
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:46,120
Speaker 7: as it's a fomo as well, when I meet these

855
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,440
Speaker 7: really beautiful people that suddenly I'm like, oh, but then

856
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:52,279
Speaker 7: this person then won't be in my life and that'll

857
00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,880
Speaker 7: be really sad, and then I'm missing out on that connection.

858
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:57,279
Speaker 1: Well, you can still have them in your life, just

859
00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,720
Speaker 1: like not in a sexual way for a little while.

860
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 1: And I think if there is someone that you can't

861
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:03,960
Speaker 1: stop thinking of six months down the road or three

862
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,759
Speaker 1: months down the road, then like that is your gut

863
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:08,879
Speaker 1: telling you to go back and explore something a little

864
00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 1: bit more.

865
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:10,280
Speaker 2: Mmmmm.

866
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:12,560
Speaker 8: And I think with the last day year relationship, I

867
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:14,480
Speaker 8: thought I could change myself. I spent the entire time

868
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:16,040
Speaker 8: being like I don't think this is what I want,

869
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 8: but I like this person, therefore, I'm going to really

870
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:19,600
Speaker 8: try and change it. And I just got to the

871
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,200
Speaker 8: end and I was like, I really tried to change

872
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,200
Speaker 8: how I was feeling, and I just I just couldn't.

873
00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:24,920
Speaker 2: I couldn't do it.

874
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:26,719
Speaker 1: Something I get a sense about from you is that

875
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:29,560
Speaker 1: you're very good at mirroring, and you talk about being

876
00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 1: very good at people pleasing or that's like your m

877
00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:35,360
Speaker 1: is people pleasing, and I do wonder, I wonder if

878
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,440
Speaker 1: you're seeing somebody, if you're seeing a therapist, is sort

879
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:39,800
Speaker 1: of like unpack some of this because getting rid of

880
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,359
Speaker 1: the people pleasing stuff to a healthy degree has been

881
00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:44,840
Speaker 1: super life changing for me over the last.

882
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:46,680
Speaker 4: Are you in therapy, because now it would be a

883
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:47,480
Speaker 4: good time to start.

884
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:50,880
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, Look, I've had a pretty crazy year and

885
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 8: I hadn't been working for a while so we can

886
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:54,400
Speaker 8: come and money was a thing. And now I'm finally

887
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,160
Speaker 8: in a position or about to be in a position

888
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:57,319
Speaker 8: where I'm like, great, I can.

889
00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:58,839
Speaker 2: At the top of my priority list.

890
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,320
Speaker 8: I need to talk about my shit it because after

891
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:03,640
Speaker 8: everything that's happened this year, I've kind of been just

892
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:06,240
Speaker 8: pushing it all down and being like I'm totally fine

893
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:08,640
Speaker 8: and I just know that it needs to just word

894
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,239
Speaker 8: vomit onto someone and really unpack it because I know

895
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,840
Speaker 8: that I know that there's a lot in them to.

896
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:16,439
Speaker 3: Yeah, and like think about your motivations for things too,

897
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:18,479
Speaker 3: Like you know what's your intention every time?

898
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,239
Speaker 4: It's good to take it down a notch.

899
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 3: You're talking about getting to know yourself and then you're

900
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 3: talking about getting lost in a bunch of other people.

901
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 3: So those are two conflicting ideas. Also, you know, if

902
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:30,080
Speaker 3: you really want to get in touch with yourself, you

903
00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 3: should slow it down and fuck the fomo. It's not

904
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:35,360
Speaker 3: about missing out when you're trying to get to know yourself.

905
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:38,400
Speaker 3: It's about putting a deposit into your mental health for

906
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:41,640
Speaker 3: the future and for your future relationships. So be very

907
00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:44,640
Speaker 3: generous with your care for others and also be very

908
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:46,120
Speaker 3: generous with your care for yourself.

909
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:49,040
Speaker 8: Yeah, I think I do keep putting other people's feelings

910
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,399
Speaker 8: and emotions before my own when I get into these things.

911
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, sactly be a selfish act as well.

912
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 3: Even though it sounds like selfless, it can actually be

913
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:59,640
Speaker 3: a selfish thing when you're putting other peoples because that

914
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,719
Speaker 3: creates resentment, that creates all sorts of other emotions, and

915
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:07,439
Speaker 3: it's kind of like you think, like you're being drama. Yeah,

916
00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 3: it's a little like dramatic because you're creating drama, Like

917
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:13,840
Speaker 3: I do all of this like I'm doing this for you.

918
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:14,600
Speaker 4: I'm doing this for you.

919
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:17,359
Speaker 3: You're kind of taking the responsibility off of yourself when

920
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:19,319
Speaker 3: it's your responsibility, you know.

921
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:21,960
Speaker 4: So I think you need to get your head out.

922
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:24,840
Speaker 3: Of your ass a little bit, get focused, get a

923
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,520
Speaker 3: good therapist, and just calm down a little bit. Just

924
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,680
Speaker 3: calm down. You don't need to fuck everybody. You can

925
00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,000
Speaker 3: fuck a couple of people. Don't get involved with anybody

926
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,400
Speaker 3: when you're not emotionally available. You want to have a

927
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:36,680
Speaker 3: good time, go ahead and have it, that's all you,

928
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 3: and then spend some time alone, spend quality time with

929
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,600
Speaker 3: yourself alone.

930
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:45,760
Speaker 1: You mentioned that somebody you're dating has a primary partner,

931
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,080
Speaker 1: and like, maybe that's a good route for you right now.

932
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:49,879
Speaker 1: Is like not somebody who's gonna be like, oh my god,

933
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,359
Speaker 1: I'm falling alone, someone who already has told you their

934
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:56,240
Speaker 1: boundary is that's my primary person. You're the side piece

935
00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:59,760
Speaker 1: and kind of following that a little bit, Yeah.

936
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:01,200
Speaker 8: I think that's why I'm feeling a little bit more

937
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:03,280
Speaker 8: kind of comfortable with the one that's happening at the moment,

938
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,160
Speaker 8: is because I know that it's I don't know.

939
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:06,399
Speaker 2: I know that there's somewhat of.

940
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,799
Speaker 8: A boundary there already from them, so it means that

941
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:10,560
Speaker 8: I can't track them down with me.

942
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:15,400
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, Jordan, on a completely superficial note, I will say,

943
00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:18,640
Speaker 1: you are now very hot, and uh, you don't need

944
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,000
Speaker 1: to worry that you're not anymore.

945
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:22,399
Speaker 8: Oh god, thank you so much. Even at six staty

946
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:23,080
Speaker 8: in the morning.

947
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,160
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, he's in Melbourne, so it's very early. Oh

948
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:27,879
Speaker 1: rise and shine. Yeah, I'll be there.

949
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:31,000
Speaker 3: I'm coming to Melbourne. I just announced my Australia dates.

950
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:33,520
Speaker 8: I saw I'll be moving to the Netherlands though in June,

951
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:35,040
Speaker 8: so I'm going to miss you and I'm really freshed.

952
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:36,920
Speaker 1: So you're moving in the Netherlands. Oh there you go.

953
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,960
Speaker 1: Well that'll be nice. Switch a Rooney too. There you go, Yes,

954
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,920
Speaker 1: all right, Jordan, keep us posted.

955
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:45,520
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Thank you, bye bye bye.

956
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:48,000
Speaker 1: I mean, he is so good at mirroring. I think

957
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 1: he and I are dating at the end of that call,

958
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 1: so I think we have time for like one more question,

959
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:57,799
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty six year old woman with

960
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 1: a great career, great family and friends, and a kick

961
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,839
Speaker 1: ass dog. The one thing in my life I can't

962
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:06,520
Speaker 1: sort out are my romantic relationships. I've been married and divorced,

963
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,520
Speaker 1: no kids, and been in serial long term relationships for

964
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,200
Speaker 1: most of my twenties and thirties. I promise myself a

965
00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:14,799
Speaker 1: year of celibacy and focusing on myself, and when that

966
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,440
Speaker 1: year was up in August, I dipped my toe back

967
00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:19,840
Speaker 1: in the dating apps. I soon met my current boyfriend.

968
00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:22,160
Speaker 1: We took it slow, and after three months of dating,

969
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:24,399
Speaker 1: are an official couple and very serious about each other.

970
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,839
Speaker 1: It feels great, healthy and mature. Thank you therapy. So

971
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 1: what's the problem. My track record of relationship train wrecks

972
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:34,680
Speaker 1: has scarred my parents so badly. They're no longer interested

973
00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:36,719
Speaker 1: in meeting or getting to know this wonderful man I'm

974
00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:37,200
Speaker 1: not dating.

975
00:41:38,239 --> 00:41:40,560
Speaker 3: They were like, I remember once one year, They're like,

976
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,960
Speaker 3: you're not allowed to bring friends or lovers on They

977
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:47,560
Speaker 3: all my friends. I'd always bring some gay guy home

978
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:50,359
Speaker 3: with me that would like ruin the get so wasted, or.

979
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:54,080
Speaker 1: Do something suck all the air out of the room.

980
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:58,040
Speaker 1: I always come with one gay man. My dad refuses

981
00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:00,440
Speaker 1: to even hear anything about my dating life, since he

982
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,239
Speaker 1: says he's sick of hearing about it. It should be

983
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,600
Speaker 1: noted that after his second divorce, I listened to and

984
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:09,160
Speaker 1: supported him through his many ill advised rebounds, But I digress.

985
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:12,160
Speaker 1: My mom, who I am extremely close to and love immensely,

986
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:15,080
Speaker 1: is normally inviting and eager to welcome any guest into

987
00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:17,120
Speaker 1: her home, but she told me she does not want

988
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,359
Speaker 1: my boyfriend to visit with me during the holidays. Her

989
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 1: exact words were, I can't get close to someone when

990
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,920
Speaker 1: we both know it likely isn't going to work out. Ouch.

991
00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:28,440
Speaker 1: I feel like the ultimate loser asshole whose entire family

992
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:31,080
Speaker 1: collectively rolls their eyes when they announce her seeing someone

993
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:33,919
Speaker 1: new wouldn't surprise me. If there's a when will Sarah

994
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:36,560
Speaker 1: shit the bet on this one pool? I'd made plans

995
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:38,440
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend for him to spend two days with

996
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:40,799
Speaker 1: me at my mom's house and have had now to

997
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:43,840
Speaker 1: call and uninvite him and explain that my own family

998
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:47,120
Speaker 1: thinks these things about me. I'm writing this letter after

999
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,799
Speaker 1: crying into my pillow like a little bit after that conversation.

1000
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,000
Speaker 1: I mean, who wants to be with someone even their

1001
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:54,840
Speaker 1: own family thinks is such a loser. How can I

1002
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:57,600
Speaker 1: cope with this and change my family's perspective? Is it

1003
00:42:57,600 --> 00:43:00,080
Speaker 1: even worth it? Are they right to set these boundaries?

1004
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:02,879
Speaker 1: And am I being a huge baby about all of this? Help?

1005
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,040
Speaker 1: See and see, I know you'll give it to me straight.

1006
00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:08,359
Speaker 3: I would say to this that you should respect your

1007
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:11,200
Speaker 3: family's wishes on this one. The only way to change

1008
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 3: your family's mind about you is to start changing your behavior.

1009
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:17,759
Speaker 3: And by changing your behavior means not bringing someone to

1010
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,799
Speaker 3: the holiday, since that is your pattern. Just don't you

1011
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:24,040
Speaker 3: already uninvented your boyfriend great or you know, the new guy,

1012
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:27,279
Speaker 3: and just respect your family's wishes and then show them

1013
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:30,040
Speaker 3: a change, like if in six months you guys are

1014
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:33,560
Speaker 3: still together, then you can introduce him. Don't prematurely introduce

1015
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:36,680
Speaker 3: people to your family that they because that's what you've done,

1016
00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:39,800
Speaker 3: and just show them over time by going to Christmas

1017
00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:42,759
Speaker 3: without him, you're showing that you're respecting their wishes. And

1018
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,960
Speaker 3: that's the first step in saying like, Okay, I hear

1019
00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,279
Speaker 3: what you're saying, and I do want to make a change.

1020
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:51,120
Speaker 1: And this is my first demonstration of that. Totally agree.

1021
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:52,799
Speaker 1: I think the proof is in the pudding. And so

1022
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:55,040
Speaker 1: hopefully next year when you guys are still together and

1023
00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,040
Speaker 1: you say like you show them like, hey, we've been

1024
00:43:57,040 --> 00:44:00,720
Speaker 1: together almost a year and bring them along. I think

1025
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,480
Speaker 1: that's all you gotta do. This is a wait and see.

1026
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:06,040
Speaker 1: But go have a great time for the holidays, and

1027
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,759
Speaker 1: you know, you can talk about how great your boyfriend is,

1028
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:12,319
Speaker 1: but save your parents the heartache if there is. Yeah,

1029
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:16,640
Speaker 1: hopefully there won't be show out Chellam. Yes, well, Chelsea,

1030
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 1: this has been very fun and I'm excited for you

1031
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 1: to spend some time up shushing in the snow.

1032
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:23,000
Speaker 3: And yeah, I have to get my birthday ready. Start

1033
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 3: time to start brainstorming my birthday video.

1034
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:26,760
Speaker 1: Yay, very excited.

1035
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,359
Speaker 4: Okay, thank you everybody, We'll be back. We love you.

1036
00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:30,680
Speaker 4: Have a happy holiday everybody.

1037
00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:32,880
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for listening, and thanks for all

1038
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 3: the favorite podcast dms and mentions we got. And I

1039
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:39,600
Speaker 3: love that we have so many fans everywhere. At all

1040
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:41,919
Speaker 3: my shows on the road, everyone's always coming up talking

1041
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,839
Speaker 3: about the podcast, So I really appreciate everyone listening all

1042
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:45,239
Speaker 3: the time.

1043
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:48,640
Speaker 1: I'm glad we have a community. Yeah, it's fantastic, and

1044
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:51,640
Speaker 1: you know. If you haven't left a review, go ahead.

1045
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,480
Speaker 3: And leave one, leave a review or write a call

1046
00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:55,600
Speaker 3: in you know. If you want advice, feel free please

1047
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:57,160
Speaker 3: do We always need callers.

1048
00:44:58,120 --> 00:45:01,319
Speaker 1: Chelsea. Do have some new dates for us? Oh you know,

1049
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:01,799
Speaker 1: I do?

1050
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:02,440
Speaker 6: You know?

1051
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:02,919
Speaker 1: I do?

1052
00:45:03,239 --> 00:45:07,960
Speaker 5: I have a lot of We added lots of Canadian cities, Canadians,

1053
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:08,760
Speaker 5: I'm coming.

1054
00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:11,120
Speaker 1: We added.

1055
00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 5: About fifteen new tour dates. I'm coming to Denver again,

1056
00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:22,080
Speaker 5: Salt Lake City, Vancouver, Richmond, Virginia, Santa Rosa, California, Gary

1057
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:27,440
Speaker 5: and Diana, Baltimore, Rona, New York and about seven dates

1058
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:31,440
Speaker 5: in Canada. So go to Chelseahandler dot com. I am

1059
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:34,560
Speaker 5: performing everywhere. I will be on tour all for the

1060
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:37,799
Speaker 5: rest of the year through December, and then next year

1061
00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:39,040
Speaker 5: I'm going to be touring all year.

1062
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:41,480
Speaker 4: So come and get it, you guys.

1063
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 5: It's good times and it's a very much needed reprieve

1064
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:47,280
Speaker 5: from all the fucking madness that's going on in this world.

1065
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:51,000
Speaker 5: So I'm here to bring joy and sunshine.

1066
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:53,920
Speaker 1: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1067
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,799
Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1068
00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:59,799
Speaker 1: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1069
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law, and

1070
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:06,040
Speaker 1: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

1071
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:08,840
Speaker 1: com