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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. This week, we're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about emotional unavailability across a number of settings,

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Speaker 1: not just in romantic relationships, which I think is where

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Speaker 1: our mind often goes, but also in our friendships and

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Speaker 1: the emotional availability that we have within ourselves. I think

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Speaker 1: this term, this concept has become a massive part of

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Speaker 1: our shared dialogue recently. I see it being talked about

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Speaker 1: everywhere and use to describe certain people and relationships. It's

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Speaker 1: very much a psychobabble term, and I think for good reason,

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Speaker 1: it's a really important idea to discuss. But I also

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Speaker 1: think there are a lot of misconceptions around this idea

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Speaker 1: of emotional unavailability that I think we should clear up today.

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Speaker 1: So I really want to break down exactly what it

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Speaker 1: means to be emotionally unavailable versus available. On today's episode,

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Speaker 1: I think on a similar level, it's also vital to

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Speaker 1: discuss in our twenties because it's really a critical element

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Speaker 1: of the work that we need to do to become

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Speaker 1: good humans, to have healthy, long term relationships, to be happy,

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Speaker 1: and emotional availability is so nuanced, as is kind of

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Speaker 1: the psychology behind it. Really. I think we do often

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Speaker 1: think about it in terms of our relationships, but as

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Speaker 1: we always say on this show, the most important relationship

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Speaker 1: you will ever have is the one that you have

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Speaker 1: with yourself. And something that I think isn't discussed about

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Speaker 1: enough is that you're never really going to be able

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Speaker 1: to be emotionally available to others or vulnerable or find

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Speaker 1: a partner who was emotionally available if you're not in

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Speaker 1: touch with your own emotional needs. So I really want

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Speaker 1: to focus on that today. But I think on that

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Speaker 1: same level, a massive element of our twenties is romantic relationships.

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Speaker 1: I get questions about emotional unavailability and romantic relationships all

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Speaker 1: the time, And let me tell you, I have dated

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Speaker 1: and meant enough emotionally unavailable people to write a book

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Speaker 1: of this batter And I think these days it seems

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Speaker 1: a lot harder to truly know someone and be vulnerable

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Speaker 1: because a lot of people are more transactional about their relationships,

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Speaker 1: and this often stems from emotional unavailability. And I think

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Speaker 1: it could be really terrible to want to connect with

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Speaker 1: someone and really care about them, but find that they're

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Speaker 1: really closed off, they're unable to express their feelings, or

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Speaker 1: they're tied down by emotions from a previous relationship. So

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Speaker 1: how do we identify these people and what do we

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Speaker 1: do in the face of emotional unavailability. I think our

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Speaker 1: tendency is to keep pushing these individuals and thinking that

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Speaker 1: they will change or that we can change them. But

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Speaker 1: what will become apparent I think as we dive into

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Speaker 1: the psychology is that that's not always the case, and

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Speaker 1: I certainly don't think it's the way that we should

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Speaker 1: do things. And I think the real, hard truth of

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Speaker 1: the matter is that our own emotional unavailability is what

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Speaker 1: actually attracts these people. So let's talk about it today.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about all those nuances. We're going to break

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Speaker 1: down exactly what emotional availability versus unavailability looks like, how

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Speaker 1: it manifests in our relationship, what it means on a

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Speaker 1: personal and individual level, how to kind of cultivate emotional

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Speaker 1: availability within yourself, and I also want to talk on,

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Speaker 1: you know, some of the origins and the difference between

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Speaker 1: men and women when it comes to this concept, and

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Speaker 1: how we can really begin to recognize emotional unavailability in

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Speaker 1: ourselves and in others. So there is a lot to cover, us,

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Speaker 1: so much to cover, But I'm also really excited for

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Speaker 1: this episode. I think it really is essential listening for

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Speaker 1: anyone in this decade. So let's get into it as

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Speaker 1: we always do. Let's firstly break down the basics, what

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Speaker 1: exactly is emotional unavailability and where did the concept originate.

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Speaker 1: I think it's important to look at emotional availability as

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Speaker 1: a starting point because the profile of what an emotionally

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Speaker 1: available person looks like kind of allows us to understand

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Speaker 1: emotional unavailability a lot better. If you are someone who

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Speaker 1: is emotionally available, I hope that is all of us

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Speaker 1: who are listening. That essentially means that you are able

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Speaker 1: to express your emotions in a healthy manner, You can

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Speaker 1: form meaningful connections with others. You display commitment, particularly in

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Speaker 1: romantic relationships. You're not afraid to be vulnerable, you are

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Speaker 1: consistent in your emotional approach. You have meaningful conversations, and

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Speaker 1: you're able to be honest about how you're feeling. Even

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Speaker 1: if someone doesn't exhibit all of these traits, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you're necessarily unavailable. You know, there are a

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Speaker 1: range of factors as to why we're not vulnerable with everyone,

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Speaker 1: or why you haven't been in a committed relationship. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: it is personal preference, or you just haven't found the

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Speaker 1: right person. I think a big misconception attached to emotional

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Speaker 1: unavailability is that every individual who is like this is

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Speaker 1: afraid of commitment. That is true, I would say in

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Speaker 1: some case, maybe most, but it's not always the case.

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Speaker 1: Many people who we would classify as emotionally unavailable do

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Speaker 1: find themselves in long term partnerships and marriages. They want

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Speaker 1: love like every other living and breathing person on this planet.

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Speaker 1: But it's what occurs in those relationships that is the

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Speaker 1: true hallmark of emotional unavailability. An emotionally unavailable person is

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Speaker 1: going to have a hard time giving and receiving and

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Speaker 1: reciprocating emotions, or being vulnerable and open with those in

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Speaker 1: their lives. And it is normally the case that these

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Speaker 1: people are highly socially advanced, and they will seek out

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Speaker 1: romantic encounters. But when it comes to the complex emotional

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Speaker 1: situations that are bound to occur in any long term relationship,

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Speaker 1: when it comes to conflict or being emotionally intimate and committed,

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Speaker 1: they become really anxious, They can't cope, they shut down,

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Speaker 1: or they flee all together. So what happens is that

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Speaker 1: these individuals may find themselves married or in long term

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Speaker 1: relationships or with lots of friends, but they're going to

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Speaker 1: be lacking because they are unable to reach the depths

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Speaker 1: of their emotions and share what they're really feeling in

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Speaker 1: a manner that is conducive to real emotional closeness and intimacy.

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Speaker 1: Of course, emotional unavailability looks very different in the context

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Speaker 1: of dating, particularly in our twenties. As you can imagine,

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Speaker 1: if you are someone who is not comfortable with your

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Speaker 1: own emotions and lacks the ability to be emotionally intimate,

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Speaker 1: you are going to have a very hard time dating,

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Speaker 1: especially if you're looking for commitment. These individuals, if you've

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Speaker 1: come across them, they may come off as really standoffish.

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Speaker 1: They lack affection, they fail to communicate, they ghost you,

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Speaker 1: They may like to cool all the shots, or they

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Speaker 1: shut things down when it starts to get serious and vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: And it's not because they don't necessarily want to go deeper.

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Speaker 1: It's actually because they can't. All of these characteristics come

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Speaker 1: from a place of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment,

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Speaker 1: fear of getting to know someone and then losing them.

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Speaker 1: That is what's at the core, and it's a really

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Speaker 1: crucial part of emotional unavailability, all of these evasive behavioral patterns.

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Speaker 1: It's not because the person is a sociopath. It's because

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Speaker 1: they're actually scared. Emotional unavailability pulling away from others when

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Speaker 1: things get tough. It's essentially a coping mechanism that has

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Speaker 1: been unconsciously enlisted to protect someone from emotional pain. Most

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Speaker 1: of the time, I think most individuals who are going

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Speaker 1: through this or who have this kind of characteristic, they

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Speaker 1: may not even consciously realize what they're doing, but more importantly,

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Speaker 1: they don't understand the why. And to understand and the why,

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Speaker 1: we need to understand the origins of this concept. We

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Speaker 1: need to understand the origins of this condition. You may

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Speaker 1: have already put this together, but there is a lot

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Speaker 1: of overlap between emotional unavailability and an avoidant attachment style.

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Speaker 1: Much like how people with an avoidant attachment style avoid

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Speaker 1: emotional closeness. They withdraw, they suppress emotions, they're highly independent,

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Speaker 1: they fear rejection. Emotionally unavailable people are very much the same.

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Speaker 1: They're highly similar, and most of the time they're linked.

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Speaker 1: There was this one study conducted, i think at UC Berkeley,

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Speaker 1: and it looked it parent and child separation and reunion.

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Speaker 1: So this is what they use to understand attachment styles.

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Speaker 1: They essentially have a child in a room, they ask

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Speaker 1: their parent to leave for a few minutes, and they

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Speaker 1: observe how the child reacts when they return, and based

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Speaker 1: on their reaction, based on their behavior, these psychologists of

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Speaker 1: the person observing can understand their attachment style. They ran

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Speaker 1: one of these studies and what they found was that

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Speaker 1: emotional unavailability was linked to avoidant attachment style or attachment disorganization.

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Speaker 1: And we know that our attachment styles begin in infancy

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Speaker 1: and in childhood, and many psychologists theorize that this is

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Speaker 1: where the origins of emotional unavailability lie as well. When

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Speaker 1: they had a bit of a deeper look into this idea,

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Speaker 1: researchers found that most people who meet this profile have

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Speaker 1: had an upbringing that is characterized by a lack of

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Speaker 1: emotional closeness with their caregiver, or they report having a

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Speaker 1: parent who was unresponsive to their emotional needs, didn't want

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Speaker 1: to discuss hard things, was closed off, or didn't really

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Speaker 1: have a great sense of empathy for their feelings. This

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Speaker 1: is incredibly impactful on a child, especially during those forums

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Speaker 1: years of life, because, as we know, we learn how

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Speaker 1: to function and perform in relationships based off of our parents.

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Speaker 1: We use them as a blueprint, We mimic their behavior.

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Speaker 1: So if your parent never showed you love, you probably

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Speaker 1: never learned how to show it from others or how

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Speaker 1: to receive that yourself. Emotional unavailability it also stems from

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Speaker 1: a deeper fear of intimacy and a fear of rejection.

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Speaker 1: If you have been repeatedly rejected by a caregiver when

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Speaker 1: you attempted to receive emotional support or comfort, you're going

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Speaker 1: to learn through repeated conditioning that you should suppress those

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Speaker 1: feelings because it will cause pain. If you don't, you

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Speaker 1: will be rejected and it will hurt. So you shut

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Speaker 1: off as a coping mechanism, and that pattern of repeated

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Speaker 1: behavior that learned mechanism becomes harder to change the older

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Speaker 1: we get and the more it becomes ingrained. But maybe

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Speaker 1: this individual, maybe you're thinking of someone, they have tried

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Speaker 1: to break down those barriers. They've entered their twenties, they

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Speaker 1: are trying to become closer with others and fight this instinct.

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Speaker 1: They're dating, they're falling in love. All seems to be

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Speaker 1: going really well, but we all know that love doesn't

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Speaker 1: come without its challenges. We've all had our hearts broken,

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Speaker 1: We've been rejected a few times, and for most of

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Speaker 1: us who are emotionally available or securely attached, we just

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Speaker 1: kind of see this as part of the game, right,

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Speaker 1: It's just part of life, and we move on and

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Speaker 1: we know that we'll find someone better. But the emotionally

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Speaker 1: unavailable person doesn't see it that way. Those experiences just

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Speaker 1: reinforce their initial belief that to avoid pain they need

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Speaker 1: to shut down. So those initial romantic encounters and learning

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Speaker 1: experiences may actually have the effect of just reinforcing this

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Speaker 1: pre existing behavioral pattern. It's not all about childhood experiences, though,

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Speaker 1: Something like a traumatic breakup, even the death of a

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Speaker 1: former partner, a close friend, or the end of a

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Speaker 1: relationship may be because of cheating or abuse, or a

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Speaker 1: toxic catalyst. It can also trigger temporary or permanent emotional unavailability.

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Speaker 1: Some experiences are so influential that they entirely change our

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Speaker 1: attitudes towards intimacy and vulnerability. If you have been completely

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Speaker 1: devastated by the end of a relationship, no matter what

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Speaker 1: the context, our brains can often make a rapid but

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Speaker 1: highly a logical assumption that in order to avoid that

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Speaker 1: pain in the future, we should avoid all further instances

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Speaker 1: of commitment and vulnerability as a protective mechanism. At the

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Speaker 1: end of the day, the only thing our mind wants

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Speaker 1: to do is help ups to avoid pain and help

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Speaker 1: us to survive. And intense emotions associated with the end

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Speaker 1: of a relationship are painful, so unconsciously the mind associates

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Speaker 1: relationship with pain, commitment with pain, and it causes us

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Speaker 1: to shut down and push away further instances of emotional intimacy.

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Speaker 1: That is one of the big reasons why we always

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Speaker 1: say not to date anyone right out of a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Chances are that their emotional capacity is at an all

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Speaker 1: time low and their emotional ability to commit is going

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Speaker 1: to be highly stunted by their recent experience. This is

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Speaker 1: particularly the case for men. I might get criticism for

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Speaker 1: saying this, but honestly, the science does back it up.

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Speaker 1: Men are much more likely to display emotional unavailability compared

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Speaker 1: to women, particularly in their twenties, and there are a

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Speaker 1: few reasons why this is the case. We know that

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Speaker 1: men's brains develop later than women. Women reach full sen

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Speaker 1: snaptic and global maturity at twenty three on average, compared

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Speaker 1: to men at twenty six, so that's a three year

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Speaker 1: head start that women have. And the last part of

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Speaker 1: our brain to fully mature is the frontal lobe, and

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Speaker 1: that part of the brain is responsible for things like

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Speaker 1: complex executive emotions, understanding and reacting to others' feelings, judgment,

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Speaker 1: and our attitudes and personality. Our emotional availability and capacity

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Speaker 1: to connect with others is directly correlated to the development

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Speaker 1: of that lobe, and therefore it's going to show up

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Speaker 1: a lot later in men than women, which is why

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Speaker 1: I think I get so many messages from women in

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Speaker 1: the early twenties really struggling with dating men who are

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Speaker 1: so closed off and they're almost emotionally incapable and unwilling

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Speaker 1: to commit. It's not always the case but I do

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Speaker 1: think it's rather frequent. And there was this additional theory

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Speaker 1: put forward by this psychologist. I don't know how to

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Speaker 1: pronounce her name, doctor Jernigan. If she's listening to this,

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Speaker 1: she probably isn't she can correct me, but let's go

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Speaker 1: with doctor Jernigan. And she suggested that men receive a

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Speaker 1: lot more culturally reinforced messages from society that emotional vulnerability

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Speaker 1: is weak, and in response, they develop patterns of emotional

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Speaker 1: unavailability in an attempt to live up to their cultural

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Speaker 1: and gender expectations. I do think that really aligns with

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Speaker 1: my own personal experience. If I'm being honest, I've encountered

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Speaker 1: a lot more men than women who I would say

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Speaker 1: display signs of emotional unavailability. I've even dated a few

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Speaker 1: of them, and it all follows the very much the

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Speaker 1: same pattern of experiences. They love the beginning of the relationship,

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Speaker 1: when it's all fun and talking and sex and dates.

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Speaker 1: As soon as it becomes more committed and you have

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Speaker 1: a fight or you have to overcome some kind of disagreement,

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Speaker 1: their kneejeck reaction is to shut down and is to run.

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Speaker 1: And we can understand the reasons why and the origins

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Speaker 1: behind emotional unavailability. We could talk about it all day,

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Speaker 1: but the truth is that it really sucks. It really sucks.

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Speaker 1: It's really terrible to find someone that you connect with

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Speaker 1: and whose company you enjoy, only to really discover that

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Speaker 1: three or four months in they are incapable of truly

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Speaker 1: connecting with you, or they push you away, and the

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Speaker 1: thing is that they probably won't give you a reason either.

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Speaker 1: Ghosting is actually a massive sign of emotional unavailability because

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Speaker 1: these individuals don't have the capacity to navigate emotionally complex

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Speaker 1: situations such as ending it with someone. It is honestly

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Speaker 1: so much more disappointing to me to receive a message

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Speaker 1: from someone when things are ending or fizzling, because I'm like, damn,

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Speaker 1: that guy was actually emotionally available. I know that because

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Speaker 1: when I'm being ghosted, it's a pretty clear sign that

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Speaker 1: this person was never going to commit and they weren't

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Speaker 1: going to go much deeper anyways, because they cannot navigate

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Speaker 1: complex emotional situations such as hurting someone's feelings or dealing

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Speaker 1: out rejection or breaking up with someone. Regardless, we do

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Speaker 1: want to avoid relationships or falling for people who display

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Speaker 1: this repeated pattern of behavior. And let me say very clearly,

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Speaker 1: if you think that you can fix someone, the chances

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Speaker 1: are that that will get you nowhere. The roots of

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Speaker 1: emotional unavailability run very deep into our childhood wounds and

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Speaker 1: unconscious coping mechanisms. That is not work that you can

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Speaker 1: do for someone else. You cannot go into their brain

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Speaker 1: and fix their early childhood experiences. You cannot force them

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Speaker 1: to do anything. They're going to have to reach that

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Speaker 1: decision for themselves, as disappointing as it may sound, but

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Speaker 1: there is something that we can do. Often one of

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Speaker 1: the reasons we find ourselves in a cycle of attracting

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Speaker 1: or dating people who are emotionally unavailable is because we

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Speaker 1: ourselves are not emotionally available, and we are using someone

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Speaker 1: else's lack of emotional commitment as a very easy way

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Speaker 1: to deflect or ignore our own unavailability. There have been

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Speaker 1: studies on this. Emotionally unavailable people are often more attracted

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Speaker 1: to each other because, when you really think about it,

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Speaker 1: they share the same desire. They share the same goal,

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Speaker 1: and that is to avoid intimacy, and that is to

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Speaker 1: avoid vulnerability. So they're more aligned on the value set,

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Speaker 1: they're more aligned on their desires. You may also find

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Speaker 1: that you're actually not attracted to emotionally available people because

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Speaker 1: it would put you in a situation in which you

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Speaker 1: would have to be vulnerable and you would have to

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Speaker 1: reciprocate their candor and their depth and sometimes emotional unavailability.

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Speaker 1: The will they won't they is kind of exciting, and

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Speaker 1: that's a big sign that you might be the unavailable

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Speaker 1: one if you are attracted to inconsistency and attracted to anxiety.

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Speaker 1: Like I mentioned at the beginning, we do often think

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Speaker 1: about emotional availability in terms of our relationships, but the

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Speaker 1: most important relationship you will have is the one you

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Speaker 1: have with yourself. You will never be able to be

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Speaker 1: emotionally available to others if you are not in touch

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Speaker 1: with your own emotional needs, you will repeatedly attract the

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Speaker 1: same types of people into your life over and over

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Speaker 1: again if you don't address the underlying reason why this

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Speaker 1: is so. We are going to talk about how you

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Speaker 1: can cultivate your own emotional availability in just a second.

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Speaker 1: Here's the big secret. If you want to attract people

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Speaker 1: and grow your relationships with those who are emotionally available,

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Speaker 1: you won't get anywhere if you don't work on yourself first.

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Speaker 1: I think that there is a growing rate of emotional

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Speaker 1: shallowness in this generation because of a lot of factors,

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Speaker 1: many outside of our control. But it can be seen

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Speaker 1: in this rise of entirely new terms that we have

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Speaker 1: for relationships that we haven't really encountered in previous generations,

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Speaker 1: terms like situationships. I actually I had to explain this

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Speaker 1: term to my mum the other day, and she was

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Speaker 1: so confused that you could technically be in a relationship

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Speaker 1: with someone but not be committed. And she made an

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Speaker 1: excellent point that it's likely because a lot of people

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Speaker 1: in our generation are more afraid of being emotionally vulnerable

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Speaker 1: because of societal shifts away from commitment and away from

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Speaker 1: traditional relationship archetypes. Some of that is very empowering. I

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Speaker 1: think all power to people who want to decide how

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Speaker 1: their relationships function, and they do so consensually, and they

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Speaker 1: do so by communicating that. But I think it's also

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Speaker 1: important to reflect on the impact that this may have

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Speaker 1: on our emotional welfare and our ability to connect, particularly

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Speaker 1: when dating. So, what are some of the signs that

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Speaker 1: you are the emotionally unavailable one? It doesn't necessarily mean

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Speaker 1: that there's something wrong with you. I will just put

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Speaker 1: that disclaimer out there. It's really just a pattern of

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Speaker 1: behavior and a habit that is formed in response to things,

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Speaker 1: most of the time outside of our control. I don't

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Speaker 1: think anyone wakes up and is like, I want to

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Speaker 1: be emotionally unavailable. I want to push away the people

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Speaker 1: that love me. It's not a conscious decision. It just

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Speaker 1: kind of happens. But it's still worth being able to

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Speaker 1: identify that. I think that's the first step to being

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Speaker 1: able to heal that part of yourself. The first big

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Speaker 1: major sign is that you fear intimacy. Maybe you have

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Speaker 1: come out of a really traumatic breakup, a really traumatic situation,

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Speaker 1: and the idea of being in a long term relationship

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Speaker 1: leaves you feeling really anxious. Maybe you've been hurt before,

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Speaker 1: and the concept of having to open up to someone

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Speaker 1: in a long term partnership, potentially losing them, maybe encountering

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Speaker 1: hard emotions that's really difficult for you to imagine, and

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Speaker 1: it's almost a fear response. You feel your gut churning,

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Speaker 1: you feel anxious, you feel nauseous. That's a fear of intimacy,

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Speaker 1: and this may result in the second indicator, which is

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Speaker 1: that you avoid commitment Obviously, like we stipulated, this isn't

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Speaker 1: always the case, but sometimes you may like to keep

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Speaker 1: your options open to prevent yourself from having to truly

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Speaker 1: have to open up to one person. It's a fear mechanism.

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Speaker 1: We use it to protect ourselves, but it's also a

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Speaker 1: sign of emotional unavailability. This next one may be unexpected,

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Speaker 1: but let me explain it a little bit more. You

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Speaker 1: may find that you have a lot of superficial friends

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Speaker 1: and very few meaningful relationships. You have built up this

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Speaker 1: wide variety of acquaintances of people that you can casually

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Speaker 1: go for a drink with or talk to, but none

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Speaker 1: of them know you very deeply, and there's a reason

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Speaker 1: behind that. It's because there is less chance of being

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Speaker 1: abandoned or rejected, or feeling truly alone and vulnerable. If

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Speaker 1: you have quote unquote backups and people who you aren't

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Speaker 1: truly emotionally close to. In that way, you avoid pain.

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Speaker 1: I think it's an important reminder that emotional unavailability it

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Speaker 1: isn't just reserved for our romantic relationships. Our brains don't

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Speaker 1: shut down and switch on that part of our brain

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Speaker 1: when it comes to friendships, and at the core of

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Speaker 1: emotional unavailability is a fear of rejection and abandonment, and

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Speaker 1: that can come from multiple directions and multiple types of relationships.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure that there have been many of you out

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Speaker 1: there who have had better and closer and deeper relationships

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Speaker 1: with your friends than some of the people that you've dated,

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Speaker 1: and when those friendships might not work, when you have disagreements,

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Speaker 1: that can sometimes hurt a lot. More So, if you

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Speaker 1: find yourself surveying your friends and recognizing that you have

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Speaker 1: voluntarily and deliberately chosen more shallow relationships and friendships compared

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Speaker 1: to those which are deep and meaningful, it may be

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Speaker 1: indicative of emotional unavailability. This final sign. I also think

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Speaker 1: it's interesting, but I also think it's common sense. You

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Speaker 1: may find that your very conflict averse. You get to

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Speaker 1: defensive easily, and you turn off during emotionally complex situations.

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Speaker 1: If you are around people who want emotional support, you

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00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:16,480
Speaker 1: may automatically try and minimize their emotions by changing the

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Speaker 1: subject or simply withdrawing. You might also want to keep

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00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:24,479
Speaker 1: topics light so that they stick to the surface level stuff,

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00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 1: to the comfortable themes that you feel safe discussing. That's

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00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:33,359
Speaker 1: because you're afraid of opening up. If you maybe are

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00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,679
Speaker 1: listening to this and being like that sounds like my friend,

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Speaker 1: I will say, it's not because they want to shut

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Speaker 1: you down. It's not because they want to reject your

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00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 1: needs or devalidate or minimize your reactions. It's because they

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00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,720
Speaker 1: feel trapped and they don't want to be forced into

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00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,679
Speaker 1: a position where they have to reciprocate or they have

402
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,360
Speaker 1: to share the good news. Though, is that emotional unavailability?

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Speaker 1: It's just a description. It's not an indictment or a

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00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 1: life sentence. Like we've discussed, many of the factors that

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00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:10,920
Speaker 1: influence emotional unavailability are beyond our control. But I also

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00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,879
Speaker 1: want to recognize that just because they are beyond our

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00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,600
Speaker 1: control doesn't mean that we don't have agency. And it

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00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 1: can be really rough to have that self awareness whereby

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00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:25,199
Speaker 1: you can identify that you are emotionally unavailable, but you

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00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: don't really know what to do. But that's what we're

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Speaker 1: here for today. So how do we realize our most

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Speaker 1: emotionally available and authentic selves and how do we work

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00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:40,639
Speaker 1: towards choosing emotionally available partners? The key is to start internally.

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Speaker 1: Often our inability to be emotionally open it stems from

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00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:49,240
Speaker 1: a difficulty with being honest with ourselves about our emotional

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00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:53,360
Speaker 1: needs and our desires. We don't just avoid the complex

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00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:57,320
Speaker 1: feelings and experiences of others, we also tend to suppress

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00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:01,159
Speaker 1: our own hard emotions because they are difficult to manage

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Speaker 1: if you can't share them or you can't trust others

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Speaker 1: with your vulnerability. It's important to work on identifying what

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00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,040
Speaker 1: you're feeling when you're feeling it. I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of us emotionally available or not have a tendency to

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00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:18,760
Speaker 1: pick up our phones, scroll TikTok, switch on the television,

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00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 1: distract ourselves when uncomfortable emotions kind of bubble to the surface.

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Speaker 1: Do whatever you can to avoid that. That goes for everyone.

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Speaker 1: It's uncomfortable, but sometimes you need to feel uncomfortable to grow,

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00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,360
Speaker 1: and being able to recognize your own feelings and manage

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00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 1: them yourself is a massive pathway to being emotionally available

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Speaker 1: with others. Sometimes this comes from childhood wounds. I would

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00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,760
Speaker 1: say that is the biggest predictor, and particularly the behaviors

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00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 1: of our caregivers and our parents. The sad reality is,

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Speaker 1: no matter how hard you try, you cannot go back

433
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 1: to childhood and fear things you cannot reshape how you

434
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,640
Speaker 1: think things should have gone. You can't undo the past,

435
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:08,080
Speaker 1: but what you can do is reparent yourself at the

436
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 1: moment you are in now. I did a whole episode

437
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 1: on healing your inner child. I think it's really valuable

438
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:18,040
Speaker 1: if this is something that's been on your mind for

439
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:21,719
Speaker 1: a while. But a brief synopsis of this episode is

440
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 1: that in order to heal childhood attachment wounds that may

441
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,880
Speaker 1: be contributing to your emotional unavailability, you have to start

442
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,800
Speaker 1: treating yourself as if you are speaking to your childhood self,

443
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 1: as if the tiny version of you is sitting in

444
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,080
Speaker 1: front of you and you need to protect them. So

445
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 1: you need to create a personal and internal environment for

446
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 1: them to feel safe by letting yourself feel your emotions,

447
00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:50,720
Speaker 1: showing unconditional love for yourself whatever that means for you,

448
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 1: and creating emotional safety. This may involve going to therapy

449
00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:01,120
Speaker 1: or engaging in some kind of emotional real life like journaling,

450
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 1: but it also involves just giving your inner child space

451
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 1: to feel without shutting them down, without ignoring it, without

452
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,360
Speaker 1: suppressing it, because that mimics the way that you may

453
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:16,760
Speaker 1: have been shut down by a parent during childhood and

454
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: by connecting deeper with your emotions, you really do profoundly

455
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 1: shift your ability to connect with others, and you'll begin

456
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,320
Speaker 1: to notice I think a shift in the quality and

457
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: the depth not just of your relationships or your relationships

458
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 1: with your friends or your family, but in how you

459
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:40,680
Speaker 1: treat yourself as well. A wall will probably come down,

460
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 1: and it may be painful. There's a lot of suppressed

461
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:49,480
Speaker 1: stuff that builds up from childhood or from experiences of

462
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 1: rejection or breakups or trauma. But I think a lot

463
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 1: of hard things are worth doing, and this is one

464
00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 1: of them. All of these habits and activities, they will

465
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: help build a foundation for being able to identify people

466
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:07,240
Speaker 1: who are emotionally unavailable, who may bring you into that

467
00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 1: space and shut you down. I think that's probably the

468
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 1: worst part about dating people who are emotionally unavailable, is

469
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 1: that this behavioral and emotional pattern is in many ways contagious,

470
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,280
Speaker 1: and it can rub off on us by leading us

471
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:24,680
Speaker 1: to a question how we deserve to be treated and

472
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 1: eventually becoming jaded around what true, unconditional, vulnerable love should

473
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,520
Speaker 1: feel like. They actually did a study on this, and

474
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:38,200
Speaker 1: what they examined was the impact of having an emotionally

475
00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 1: unavailable partner. So they found that individuals who reported that

476
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:47,720
Speaker 1: they were dating or married or in a long term

477
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:53,600
Speaker 1: partnership with someone who displayed lowered emotional capacity themselves had

478
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,800
Speaker 1: a lower emotional capacity. So essentially what that meant was

479
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,760
Speaker 1: this behavioral pattern, this emotional reaction, this failure to be

480
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 1: vulnerable and emotionally intimate, rubs off on those around us.

481
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,520
Speaker 1: So it's a big reason why you want to avoid

482
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:12,840
Speaker 1: these individuals. Take a good hard look at your beliefs

483
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:16,760
Speaker 1: around what you want in a romantic partner. I have

484
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 1: suggested this before, but I think it's a godsend. I

485
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:24,360
Speaker 1: think it is so valuable. If you have found yourself

486
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 1: in this cycle of dating and finding people who just

487
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: always shut you down, who never want to be committed,

488
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 1: you need to make a list of non negotiables, and

489
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 1: these need to be specific. What are the things that

490
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,120
Speaker 1: you are not going to tolerate, Especially if you're someone

491
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:44,200
Speaker 1: who is looking for a committed relationship. You need to

492
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: have a hard line at what you're willing to accept

493
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 1: around noncommittal dating and romantic experiences. And a big red

494
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,160
Speaker 1: flag is someone who is not able to engage in

495
00:32:56,760 --> 00:33:01,480
Speaker 1: deep emotional conversations or acknowledge your feelings or their own.

496
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:05,800
Speaker 1: That's a huge indicator that they're not an emotionally available person.

497
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that you need to trauma dump

498
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,720
Speaker 1: on the first state to kind of understand if they're

499
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:15,320
Speaker 1: going to reciprocate your emotional intimacy. That's a bit extreme,

500
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 1: but I think it's pretty telling as you get further

501
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 1: into a relationship, whether they're willing to discuss how they're

502
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: feeling or how you're feeling, and whether they want to

503
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 1: connect with you or shut you down. It's also worth

504
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 1: questioning how do you feel about yourself? Is the reason

505
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 1: you always find yourself around emotionally unavailable people because you

506
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:41,440
Speaker 1: feel that you don't deserve love and a deep connection.

507
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 1: Are you actually just terrified of rejection or are you

508
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 1: suffering from low self esteem due to past relationships? You know,

509
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 1: it's not your fault. I think that a lot of

510
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,960
Speaker 1: this kind of does sound like it's your responsibility to

511
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 1: avoid these people. It's your fault for attracting these people.

512
00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 1: That's the case. I just to think it's something that

513
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:05,200
Speaker 1: tends to happen, and we don't always know until it's

514
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,720
Speaker 1: a bit too late or we find ourselves being ghosted

515
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:12,600
Speaker 1: by someone that they are emotionally unavailable, and that this

516
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:16,000
Speaker 1: just kind of helps you to avoid that pain. Much

517
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,680
Speaker 1: like the previous suggestion, you need to consciously rethink what

518
00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:24,319
Speaker 1: you deserve and write that down, almost like affirmations. You know,

519
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:27,920
Speaker 1: I deserve to be loved. I deserve for my emotions

520
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:32,360
Speaker 1: to be reciprocated. It's all about faking it till you

521
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,640
Speaker 1: make it, I guess, because if you don't feel like

522
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 1: you deserve deep, meaningful love and closeness, I promise that

523
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: you do. And if you continue to tell yourself that,

524
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 1: one day you will believe it as well. And whatever

525
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:52,520
Speaker 1: you do, if you take one thing out of this,

526
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:57,279
Speaker 1: do not try and force someone to change. It is

527
00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:01,000
Speaker 1: not your responsibility to fix them. I think women in

528
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 1: particular have been conditioned by society into believing that it

529
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:10,279
Speaker 1: is their duty to nurture others and to offer that

530
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:15,880
Speaker 1: maternal healing side of a relationship. But here's another hard

531
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,640
Speaker 1: truth for those of you who are listening who may

532
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:23,360
Speaker 1: be in denial about an emotionally unavailable person in your life.

533
00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:27,040
Speaker 1: The more you push, the more you try to artificially

534
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,520
Speaker 1: create situations that they are forced to be vulnerable in

535
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 1: the more they are going to pull back and they

536
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 1: may take you with them. When I was researching this episode,

537
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:41,960
Speaker 1: it was shocking how many articles I found with titles

538
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:45,759
Speaker 1: like how to get an emotionally unavailable man to chase you,

539
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:49,919
Speaker 1: how to change an emotionally unavailable man, how to use

540
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:54,719
Speaker 1: sex to fix emotional unavailability. And it was super frustrating

541
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,960
Speaker 1: to me because I was like, we shouldn't be pushing

542
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,560
Speaker 1: this narrative to either men or women, that it is

543
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: your duty to heal this person so that you can

544
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:08,080
Speaker 1: feel safe and vulnerable. That is not your job, that

545
00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 1: is not your responsibility. There are so many other people

546
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,239
Speaker 1: out there who will have done the work and who

547
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 1: will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

548
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,719
Speaker 1: And if you get one thing from this episode, like

549
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:24,600
Speaker 1: I said, you cannot change this person. Your job is

550
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:29,240
Speaker 1: just to heal yourself and focus on your own emotions

551
00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:32,400
Speaker 1: and feelings. One final thing I do want to state,

552
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,960
Speaker 1: it's a bit of a disclaimer, and that's that you

553
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,680
Speaker 1: don't need to be emotionally available to everyone. That's a

554
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:42,480
Speaker 1: critical part of this conversation. I think when we strive

555
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:46,040
Speaker 1: for emotional availability, when we enlist all of those tools.

556
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:51,600
Speaker 1: Sometimes we accidentally find ourselves transforming into someone who is

557
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: passive when it comes to our relationships because we force

558
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:59,440
Speaker 1: ourselves to hold space for everyone. But sometimes that can

559
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:04,239
Speaker 1: be equal as training as being emotionally unavailable. There is

560
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:08,640
Speaker 1: a lot of emotional energy and commitment that goes into

561
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:12,520
Speaker 1: sustaining deep connections, and as much as we like to

562
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:16,359
Speaker 1: think that that source is infinite, it's not. You have

563
00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:21,440
Speaker 1: to sometimes except the fact that you can't give everything

564
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:26,640
Speaker 1: to everyone, so be selective, you can still be emotionally

565
00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:30,319
Speaker 1: available even if you're picky. If anything, it's actually a

566
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:34,280
Speaker 1: sign of your availability because you understand what it means

567
00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: to invest and commit to a friend or a partner

568
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,640
Speaker 1: or a family member in a way that is meaningful,

569
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:45,359
Speaker 1: and that means not exhausting yourself with gathering and collecting

570
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:49,400
Speaker 1: every single connection that comes your way. It's how you

571
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: show up in those relationships with the people you have

572
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,560
Speaker 1: chosen to invest in and that you care about and

573
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 1: who can reciprocate all that love for you. That is

574
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:02,840
Speaker 1: an indicator and the biggest sign that you're emotionally available.

575
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:06,239
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I

576
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,319
Speaker 1: really hope you learned something. I hope you enjoyed it.

577
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:14,000
Speaker 1: I definitely did. One of the best parts about doing

578
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:16,920
Speaker 1: this podcast is that I get to learn things that

579
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:21,239
Speaker 1: are really relevant to me, and this was definitely one

580
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 1: of those cases. I had no idea how complicated emotional

581
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:29,920
Speaker 1: unavailability was. I think we really do for that phrase

582
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 1: around and say, oh, you know, he's emotionally unavailable, she's

583
00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:37,880
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable without thinking deeply about what that really means.

584
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,919
Speaker 1: So I hope that this did enlighten you. Maybe there

585
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:45,239
Speaker 1: is someone in your life who needs to hear this episode.

586
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:47,920
Speaker 1: You should share it with them. You should send them

587
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 1: a link. I'm sure they'll thank you later, and as always,

588
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 1: if you feel compelled to do so. If you enjoyed

589
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,399
Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to leave a five star

590
00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:02,560
Speaker 1: review on Spotify, a podcasts, wherever you're listening right now.

591
00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:06,400
Speaker 1: It really does help the show to grow and to

592
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 1: reach new people. I'm so grateful if you have listened

593
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:12,360
Speaker 1: this far, Thank you for coming on this journey with me.

594
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,319
Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, if you just want

595
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:18,160
Speaker 1: to be in touch, if you want to see what's

596
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:21,880
Speaker 1: going on behind the scenes, please feel free to follow

597
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:25,960
Speaker 1: us at that Psychology podcast. On Instagram, we share a

598
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:29,000
Speaker 1: lot of polls around what episodes you want to hear next.

599
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:31,880
Speaker 1: That's where this idea came from, so thank you for

600
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 1: all of your suggestions. Hopefully we can see you over there.

601
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:37,959
Speaker 1: Well maybe not, it's up to you. I just really

602
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:41,600
Speaker 1: hope that you enjoyed this episode and we will be

603
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:43,280
Speaker 1: back next week for another