Speaker 1: While we hope Couch Talks can be a tool that
Speaker 1: helps them supports wherever you are in life. Couch Talks
Speaker 1: does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy
Speaker 1: or any mental health services.
Speaker 2: To good all right, break it down. If you ever
Speaker 2: have feelings that you just won't home, Amy and Cat gotcha,
Speaker 2: Cob and like a brother, the ladies and folks, we
Speaker 2: just follow an the spirit where it's out of the
Speaker 2: front and real stuff to the chill stuff and them
Speaker 2: but swaying. Sometimes the best thing you can do it
Speaker 2: just stop you feel. This is Feeling Things with Amy
Speaker 2: and Cat.
Speaker 3: Happy Thursday.
Speaker 4: Welcome to Couch Talks, our Q and a episode to
Speaker 4: the Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 3: I'm Amy and I'm Cat and We're going.
Speaker 4: To start off with a pretty powerful email and I'm
Speaker 4: gonna paraphrase it because it was incredibly long and we'll
Speaker 4: just get right into it and the topic is not
Speaker 4: light there. She even gave us a trigger warning. I'll
Speaker 4: read that as part of the email. It starts off, Hey,
Speaker 4: my name is V. I'm twenty five years old from Virginia.
Speaker 4: V from Virginia.
Speaker 5: I love you love an alliteration.
Speaker 4: Uh trigger warning This email includes references to abuse, addiction,
Speaker 4: and suicide threats. I want to preface this by saying
Speaker 4: that you're welcome to read, share, or paraphrase any part
Speaker 4: of this email on the podcast at your discretion. So
Speaker 4: after that line, we paraphrased uh and condensed everything that
Speaker 4: V had to share. So the details that you need
Speaker 4: to know to understand her question for us, she was
Speaker 4: in a severely abusive relationship, emotional, physical, and psychological. He
Speaker 4: was an alcoholic and an addict who cheated, lied, made
Speaker 4: suicide threats. He held weapons to his head, forced her
Speaker 4: to watch, and at one point he actually fired a
Speaker 4: gun into a voicemail to make her think that he
Speaker 4: had taken his life. Every time she tried to leave,
Speaker 4: he pulled her back in through manipulation, threats or empty promises.
Speaker 4: She became pregnant, and he abandoned her during the entire pregnancy.
Speaker 4: After she gave birth, he denied being the father, called
Speaker 4: her horrible names, and threatened to take their daughter away,
Speaker 4: while simultaneously offering to disappear forever for one thousand dollars.
Speaker 4: He's never met his daughter. She has since seen on
Speaker 4: Facebook that he appears to be happy committed or in
Speaker 4: a happy, committed relationship with someone else. She herself has
Speaker 4: been in therapy for a year and is starting EMDR
Speaker 4: with a new therapist. Her actual questions that she included
Speaker 4: in the email, how do you accept that there may
Speaker 4: never be justice, accountability, or an apology. How do you
Speaker 4: move forward when the person who caused all the harm
Speaker 4: appears to have gotten a fresh start while you are
Speaker 4: still carrying the consequences. And how do you hold on
Speaker 4: to hope for your own future when his apparent happiness
Speaker 4: feels like proof that he was rewarded and you were discarded.
Speaker 4: So I told you we were starting off heavy and
Speaker 4: out of the gate. This isn't even into the deep stuff.
Speaker 4: This is just such a reminder to all of us
Speaker 4: what you see on Facebook and Instagram isn't real life.
Speaker 4: So I think that's one thing you can do for
Speaker 4: yourself is maybe not even look at his stuff, but
Speaker 4: if you do look at it with a filter of
Speaker 4: you even use that he appears to be happy in
Speaker 4: another relationship with someone else, you know the torment you
Speaker 4: went through with him.
Speaker 3: I don't know a person.
Speaker 4: If that's how they operate in life, their relationship is
Speaker 4: probably not happy unless he's done some real work and
Speaker 4: he's gotten healing and he's a completely different person, because
Speaker 4: they may appear happy.
Speaker 3: But I just doubt that's the case.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's clear he is really good at manipulating,
Speaker 1: and he's he's a liar, and he from this email.
Speaker 1: I don't know this person, but all of these if
Speaker 1: all of these things are true, then he's not going
Speaker 1: to snap his fingers and start dating somebody else and
Speaker 1: be a completely different person to that person. However he
Speaker 1: might want you to think that, like and everybody else
Speaker 1: and everybody else. Yeah, And so I as hard as
Speaker 1: that is, I feel like it's that's kind of some
Speaker 1: of that advice that people let go in one ear
Speaker 1: and out the other because you hear it so often,
Speaker 1: but you hear it so often.
Speaker 5: Because it is so true.
Speaker 1: We talk about this all the time in general, not
Speaker 1: even about x's and stuff, but just in general being
Speaker 1: careful of the things that you see on Instagram, like
Speaker 1: that people are selling or whatever it is that they
Speaker 1: might that this is working for them, but we don't
Speaker 1: really know that. So this is the same idea, just
Speaker 1: at a very higher risk level that yeah, anybody can
Speaker 1: put anything. Also Also, you can make a lot of
Speaker 1: fake stuff now, like on AI and chat GBT, like
Speaker 1: you can.
Speaker 3: Wait, do you think his girlfriend's AI?
Speaker 5: It could be? It could be. I mean I haven't
Speaker 5: used like the.
Speaker 1: Photo stuff that often, but even this last week I
Speaker 1: typed in there and was like, can you put curtains
Speaker 1: on my window? And it looks like a real photo
Speaker 1: and it looks like so oh.
Speaker 4: You know, on Tuesday's episode, I was telling you about
Speaker 4: my friend's Hinge profile and we were going through the
Speaker 4: fifty men that had sent her a rose or whatever,
Speaker 4: and one of them. I thought, oh my gosh, wait
Speaker 4: this guy is cute and oh he's a surgeon. I mean,
Speaker 4: there was all this stuff and then as we scrolled,
Speaker 4: she was like, no, this is AI and I was like, wait,
Speaker 4: there's AI people on Hinge. And he gave his instagram
Speaker 4: that you could look up to and he looked up
Speaker 4: the Instagram, and so much about it seemed so fake.
Speaker 4: And remember cry ocat. I think on Riyah that dating
Speaker 4: app you have to get invited to.
Speaker 3: I think she got.
Speaker 4: Scammed by AI photos or some fake photos and she
Speaker 4: thought he was some Italian model and she's like, look
Speaker 4: at this guy that's into me I don't even know well,
Speaker 4: and she's beautiful, so I thought, okay, yeah, this Italian
Speaker 4: model might be under her like I don't know. But
Speaker 4: turns out it was total scam situation and it was
Speaker 4: through a dating app. And so that's a really good point,
Speaker 4: Like what's It's kind of everywhere and we need to
Speaker 4: be aware of it in some places like on Instagram
Speaker 4: now it needs to be labeled, like if you upload
Speaker 4: something AI like, it'll give.
Speaker 3: A tag that says that. But I don't know if Facebook.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I feel like you can get away with it,
Speaker 1: like I just there's probably loopholes. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: this guy is like made up a AI girlfriend, but
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like you, now is a time where
Speaker 1: we have to question things before we believe them, which
Speaker 1: I hate that because it feels very cynical, but we
Speaker 1: should not just I'm the kind of person who wants
Speaker 1: to believe the good and everything, but I've learned time
Speaker 1: and time again you can't do that because I end
Speaker 1: up hurting my own feelings by doing that. So I
Speaker 1: would encourage her to take everything she sees with a
Speaker 1: very large grain of salt, and also just let's say
Speaker 1: he is in a new relationship and he's happy. Does
Speaker 1: that now make you want to be back with him?
Speaker 1: Because your relationship doesn't sound like anything that you ever wanted,
Speaker 1: and he has hurt you, he doesn't deserve to be
Speaker 1: in your life. He probably doesn't deserve to be in
Speaker 1: his daughter's life at this point. Like to respect yourself,
Speaker 1: we have to create boundaries and not allow people, even
Speaker 1: if they've changed, like because we.
Speaker 5: Have been hurt in some way.
Speaker 1: Sometimes okay to say like, good for you, I'm so
Speaker 1: glad that you are. Don't have to be glad, but like,
Speaker 1: good for you that you've created this new life for yourself.
Speaker 1: I deserve somebody who would have never done that to me.
Speaker 4: I wonder if it would be helpful for her to
Speaker 4: mute his account so that she doesn't have to even
Speaker 4: see it.
Speaker 1: I've also one of my first thoughts was, like, somebody
Speaker 1: could have sent her these photos.
Speaker 5: I don't know. Maybe she's not Facebook.
Speaker 1: Friends with him, but if she is, I would highly
Speaker 1: recommend cut off any kind of any kind of access
Speaker 1: you have to his life and he has to your life,
Speaker 1: because he is an to me. This is if all
Speaker 1: of this is true and we can't give like actual
Speaker 1: advice because we don't know this person. This is a podcast,
Speaker 1: but to me, this person is very unsafe, so they
Speaker 1: don't need access to any part of your life. And
Speaker 1: for your asking like how do I like accept and
Speaker 1: move on? A part of that is cutting off this
Speaker 1: part of your life. And we've talked recently about how
Speaker 1: sometimes we're quick to cut off several relationships. This is
Speaker 1: one of those situations that it makes sense, like he
Speaker 1: didn't just hurt your feelings one time, he endangered you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and having to deal with the fact that there
Speaker 4: may never be justice, accountability or an apology. That's where
Speaker 4: radical acceptance comes in. Yeah, you have to look at
Speaker 4: the type of person that you're dealing with. You have
Speaker 4: started there, or you've been doing therapy for a year,
Speaker 4: you're starting AMDR, You're getting the tools that you need
Speaker 4: that will help you radically accept that. He's the type
Speaker 4: of person you may not get that from.
Speaker 1: And well, I like to think with that is I
Speaker 1: get that. I get it because I also would want justice.
Speaker 3: Yes, that is like the queen of justice.
Speaker 1: How many times have I well, I've recently talked about
Speaker 1: my YELP review, but I oftentimes am like, I'm going
Speaker 1: to write a review for this.
Speaker 3: It's not right, and it's not.
Speaker 1: But what I would hope for her is that what
Speaker 1: becomes more important about him getting what he deserves is
Speaker 1: that you get what you deserve. So what kind of
Speaker 1: life are you living?
Speaker 6: Like?
Speaker 1: You're doing the work to heal from this. You one
Speaker 1: day will have a relationship that brings you joy and
Speaker 1: feel safe and loving, and that is more important. Your
Speaker 1: life is more important than what happens.
Speaker 4: To him and the type of life you get to
Speaker 4: provide for your daughter. And that's so there's radical acceptance
Speaker 4: in there. There's also you doing what you need to
Speaker 4: do for your life, which is you're already doing it,
Speaker 4: minus the you may need to. However, you're getting access
Speaker 4: to his Facebook information, and if friends are sending that
Speaker 4: to you, you maybe ask friends like, hey, I don't
Speaker 4: I'd rather not know unless it's information that I need
Speaker 4: because of my daughter, I probably don't need to know
Speaker 4: what's going on with his life and his relationship. That
Speaker 4: question was how do I move forward when the person
Speaker 4: who caused harm appears?
Speaker 3: Who've gotten a.
Speaker 4: Fresh start, Well, you're getting a new start too, because
Speaker 4: you've gotten him out of your life, So I would
Speaker 4: shift perspective on Thank goodness you're out from under that,
Speaker 4: because you could still be stuck there. So this is
Speaker 4: a fresh start for you, and you've already started with
Speaker 4: the tools that you have, and then you get to
Speaker 4: move and from your path and what is now possible
Speaker 4: from this? How do you get to come alongside and
Speaker 4: support other people that have gone through something similar.
Speaker 3: It may not be right.
Speaker 4: Away, but then that's one of the ways we get
Speaker 4: to use our pain to help others.
Speaker 5: Do you did you see that interview? I wish I
Speaker 5: knew who it was with.
Speaker 1: I want to say, with Stephen Colbert and somebody else,
Speaker 1: but it could be wrong, but it was asking, like
Speaker 1: one of them, how do you deal with like the
Speaker 1: hardest parts of your life and these things that you've
Speaker 1: been through.
Speaker 5: Is this ringing a bell to you?
Speaker 1: Yep?
Speaker 5: Okay? Well his response was this will make me cry. God,
Speaker 5: I've been doing so good.
Speaker 4: His response was, Kat's seven and a half months pregnant.
Speaker 4: By the way, in case you're having to be tuning
Speaker 4: in for the very first time, not all of our
Speaker 4: emails are this heavy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but Kat does cry a lot.
Speaker 1: He's I'm paraphrasing, he said it much more eloquently, but
Speaker 1: it just felt so good and it's so true, he said.
Speaker 1: I have a lot of gratitude for the things that
Speaker 1: have hurt me in my life, not because I'm happy
Speaker 1: that they have happened, but because that is what connects
Speaker 1: us to other human beings. Being able to relate to
Speaker 1: somebody else and be able to hear somebody else's story
Speaker 1: and have compassion for them and be able to help
Speaker 1: them through something.
Speaker 5: Those are the most meaningful parts of relationships.
Speaker 1: Yes, it's fun to go to party and go on
Speaker 1: vacations and do all this stuff, but the most meaningful
Speaker 1: parts of life are when you're going through something and
Speaker 1: I can be there for you and I can understand you.
Speaker 1: So that's how I have gratitude for and can accept
Speaker 1: that these things have happened to me, is because I
Speaker 1: have to believe that they are there to bring me
Speaker 1: closer to other people and connect me to people.
Speaker 5: I did a pretty good getting through that, actually I did.
Speaker 1: So there's that I wish I had that video because
Speaker 1: then I would send that to this person that it
Speaker 1: was as that was really helpful to hear.
Speaker 5: But I think all that's true.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I think that if you're wondering how to
Speaker 4: hold on to hope, like to me, I have to
Speaker 4: cling to hope at times when it doesn't I even
Speaker 4: tattooed it on my arm whenever I was in the
Speaker 4: process of adoption like my husband and I at the
Speaker 4: time it took us five years to get our kids
Speaker 4: from Haiti and a spaw me hope and Haitian creole,
Speaker 4: and I tattooed a spot on my wrist so that
Speaker 4: every day I would look at it and I was
Speaker 4: reminded to keep the faith and to have hope. And
Speaker 4: you may need to just have little reminders for yourself.
Speaker 4: Doesn't mean it has to be a tattoo. But my
Speaker 4: story wasn't working out the way I thought, but I
Speaker 4: had to surrender my dream of getting pregnant and having babies.
Speaker 4: That storyline shifted completely, and becoming a mom happened in
Speaker 4: a way that I never would have imagined for myself
Speaker 4: at all whatsoever. Not only did we end up not
Speaker 4: ever having a baby, then we were going to adopt
Speaker 4: a baby, and we didn't even adopt a baby. We
Speaker 4: adopted two older children, so everything looked different, like I
Speaker 4: never got to change diapers or wake up in the
Speaker 4: middle of the night because they're crying and hold them.
Speaker 4: And like, there's a lot of things that I was
Speaker 4: looking forward to when it came to becoming a mom
Speaker 4: that I.
Speaker 3: Had to.
Speaker 4: You know, I had hope for that too, And then
Speaker 4: my period would come, and every time that would be
Speaker 4: the vicious cycle of crying and then starting that. But
Speaker 4: then this my story shifted, and your story is shifting.
Speaker 4: Like this is a completely different chapter that you now
Speaker 4: get to write for yourself, and thank goodness, he's not
Speaker 4: a part of it.
Speaker 5: M H.
Speaker 4: So have a little way for you to remember that
Speaker 4: hope is there. You're doing the work and these are
Speaker 4: going to be some beautiful chapters with you and your daughter.
Speaker 4: And I'm so sorry that you went through this with
Speaker 4: this guy who seems very unwell.
Speaker 5: Yeah, to put it lightly.
Speaker 4: To put it lightly, all right, Next email, this is
Speaker 4: from Oh it's supposed to be anonymous.
Speaker 3: Yep, literally in bold.
Speaker 4: Keep this anonymous, please, so but we can say they're well,
Speaker 4: I don't even know if we should say where they're
Speaker 4: from now.
Speaker 3: Dang, they're from America.
Speaker 5: Which we do need to clarify because we're international.
Speaker 4: Yes, we do have listeners in Canada and.
Speaker 3: It was so from Africa somewhere.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, oh Nigeria, Nigeria, I think, yeah, Nigeria.
Speaker 5: I feel like we had an Australian.
Speaker 3: I'm sure we did.
Speaker 5: I love somebody vacationing in Australia.
Speaker 4: We need to pull up that map again that gives
Speaker 4: us the percentages of like who's listening where, so just
Speaker 4: know this person's in America.
Speaker 3: Hey, Amy and Kat.
Speaker 4: I'm processing some big feelings regarding my parents and reaching
Speaker 4: out to get some advice on this situation. I'm thirty
Speaker 4: five years old, happily married to children. My parents are
Speaker 4: in their mid sixties, and I believe they both have
Speaker 4: a gambling addiction. First, I love my parents dearly. They
Speaker 4: own a business and they are very blessed financially. And
Speaker 4: while I do not know the details of their gambling
Speaker 4: wins and losses, I definitely only hear about the winds
Speaker 4: and perks of being their elite status of the casino lol.
Speaker 4: But I do have serious concerns of how gambling affects
Speaker 4: their mentical and physical health, along with fears of what
Speaker 4: this hobby slash addiction could be doing to them financially.
Speaker 4: My parents are the most excited and happiest when they
Speaker 4: are at the casino or talking about their recent trip
Speaker 4: to the casino. Outside of those times, they are fairly
Speaker 4: negative people. Gambling brings them the most joy in life.
Speaker 4: I have my two children their only grandchildren, and they
Speaker 4: enjoy spending time with them that they rarely come to
Speaker 4: visit or ask about their grandchildren unless I reach out
Speaker 4: for context. I live two hours from them, and the
Speaker 4: casino is an hour forty five from them the other direction.
Speaker 4: It makes me incredibly sad that my parents will randomly
Speaker 4: drive to the casino on a weeknight or spend every
Speaker 4: other week in there, when I've mentioned that their grandchildren
Speaker 4: would like to see them and would appreciate help occasionally
Speaker 4: during the week if their schedule would allow. Am I
Speaker 4: being too critical of the thing that brings them the
Speaker 4: most joy? How can I address this with them? How
Speaker 4: do you truly know that a gambling hobby might just
Speaker 4: that it's just a hobby, or it could actually be
Speaker 4: an addiction. Thank you for any and all advice. Have
Speaker 4: the day you need to have your friend Anonymous from America.
Speaker 1: Which I had that thought because you clarified it is
Speaker 1: I wonder if there have to be casinos in other countries, right, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: I just had that thought. You know how some states
Speaker 1: it's illegal. In some states it's legal that, Like, I
Speaker 1: didn't know if other countries. I'm sure some countries are
Speaker 1: around want.
Speaker 5: To do it at all.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So clearly that's not the country that this person
Speaker 1: would be emily from.
Speaker 5: Okay, I have some thoughts. Do you have some thoughts?
Speaker 5: Can I just jump in.
Speaker 3: Jump in therapists?
Speaker 1: So there's some main questions you want to us to address,
Speaker 1: And one of them was, am I being too critical?
Speaker 5: Thing that brings them the most joy? I don't hear.
Speaker 1: I love the introspection of am I being too hard
Speaker 1: on them? I don't hear you being critical. I hear
Speaker 1: a lot of sadness and fear, which to me isn't
Speaker 1: being a critic. It's just having emotions towards what you're seeing.
Speaker 1: So we can't diagnose somebody. I was gonna say, we
Speaker 1: can't diagnose somebody having an addiction without you know, having
Speaker 1: them kind of be part of the process. However, that's
Speaker 1: not true because we can see behaviors, but you're not
Speaker 1: seeing all of your parents' behaviors exactly, So we can't.
Speaker 5: And yeah, we're definitely not.
Speaker 1: So I think you're not going to be able to
Speaker 1: see if this is truly an addiction for them because
Speaker 1: you don't have you're not privy to all of the information.
Speaker 1: I think gambling addictions can be more insidious because you
Speaker 1: can hide to an extent some of the repercussions versus
Speaker 1: if you're.
Speaker 5: An alcoholic or you're a drug addict or something like that.
Speaker 1: You're oftentimes you're out in public and those things are
Speaker 1: being shown more often and the consequences can be seen
Speaker 1: to other people.
Speaker 4: Bloodshot eyes, slurring words right, like, without access to their
Speaker 4: bank account and seeing yeah, and however time they're actually
Speaker 4: sending there.
Speaker 3: But I guess true, it doesn't matter if they're in debt.
Speaker 3: It can still be an addiction.
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's what I was going to say. They could
Speaker 5: be doing really great and they're still addicted to it.
Speaker 1: So what I would encourage you to do is not
Speaker 1: so much focus on are my parents' gambling addicts? Because
Speaker 1: that is going You're not going to really be able
Speaker 1: to figure that out. And I don't know if that's
Speaker 1: the most important thing in this moment. It's that you
Speaker 1: have a lot of feelings about what their hobby feels like.
Speaker 5: It's taking from you and your family.
Speaker 1: And so could you have a conversation with them about
Speaker 1: literally what you said in this email.
Speaker 5: I think it was really well written.
Speaker 1: It makes me incredibly sad that my parents will drive
Speaker 1: to this casino on a weeknight and spend every other
Speaker 1: weekend there when I've mentioned that their grandchildren and daughter.
Speaker 5: Would like to see them.
Speaker 1: What would happen if you said that to them, Like,
Speaker 1: I feel really sad because I see you doing all
Speaker 1: this and you talk about going to the casino, and
Speaker 1: I'm so happy that you found you have this hobby
Speaker 1: that brings you joy, and I feel hurt when you
Speaker 1: choose that over us. And so is there a way
Speaker 1: to spend more time together or is there something going
Speaker 1: on that I don't know about? And then what you
Speaker 1: do after that is out of your control, Like what
Speaker 1: happens after that is after out of your control. But
Speaker 1: I would highly highly recommend sharing those feelings, not the
Speaker 1: accusatory ones, which I don't. I think again, this was
Speaker 1: very well written. I don't hear her being like my
Speaker 1: parents are terrible and they're this and they're running in
Speaker 1: their life. This is genuine concern and genuine feelings that
Speaker 1: I would be. I think it's fair to share with them.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I think it's just where the intentional dialogue script could
Speaker 4: come into play. So I don't know if you've heard
Speaker 4: us mentioned that script in the past, but.
Speaker 3: It's a fill in the blank. So you say when you.
Speaker 5: So I'll do it, say when blank? Okay, okay, because
Speaker 5: you want to try to not use well, that's.
Speaker 3: In our script, that right it is?
Speaker 5: Did you take that when I wrote that? Okay, Well,
Speaker 5: let's edit that.
Speaker 1: I would just because when you if you start it, especially.
Speaker 4: Say you you language, because then people get on the defense.
Speaker 5: So I agree with that, but that's been sometimes you
Speaker 5: can't avoid it.
Speaker 3: So okay, when.
Speaker 4: You feel it out, okay, when you could fill in
Speaker 4: what she could kind of say, like I'll say that.
Speaker 3: You could give her a script.
Speaker 5: Oh so you want me to fill it in.
Speaker 4: I'll say you fill it in. I'm going to say
Speaker 4: the first part and then you fill it in. Okay,
Speaker 4: So be like a little activity.
Speaker 3: Okay, when.
Speaker 1: I request that you spend more time with us, and
Speaker 1: it doesn't happen because.
Speaker 5: You're at the casino. From what I can see, I
Speaker 5: feel hurt and sad.
Speaker 4: The story I tell myself is it's the casino is
Speaker 4: more important to you and you have you get more
Speaker 4: joy from gambling than you do from.
Speaker 5: Our family, And what I need is more time with you.
Speaker 5: And it doesn't have to be that if exactly that
Speaker 5: that was just.
Speaker 3: Like an example.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I love a good script, though if I or her,
Speaker 4: i'd be like writing that dog, I'd be like, okay.
Speaker 1: But I would pick the stuff that feels the most big, authentic.
Speaker 1: And also my other feedback for using that script is
Speaker 1: keep it as short as possible because as soon as
Speaker 1: you start, even though this is a very non threatening script,
Speaker 1: as soon as somebody feels that confrontation and this is
Speaker 1: a form of confrontation, they automatically will start getting defensive,
Speaker 1: and so you want to make it as short as
Speaker 1: possible so they can stay in it with you versus
Speaker 1: you know, when we start feeling somebody is like coming
Speaker 1: at us, we're already thinking about how we want to respond.
Speaker 1: So at the end of this too, if you're having
Speaker 1: trouble hearing each other. And this is for this listener,
Speaker 1: this is for anybody. I like when people then repeat
Speaker 1: it back. What I heard you say is this, And
Speaker 1: then they'll repeat what you said and they'll say did
Speaker 1: I get it right? And maybe they got it right
Speaker 1: and you're like yes, okay, and they'll say is there
Speaker 1: anything else? And you can say no, or did I
Speaker 1: get it right? No, I didn't say that, because they
Speaker 1: might say, what I heard you say is you think
Speaker 1: that I'm an addict and you want me to go
Speaker 1: to rehab. It's like, well, I didn't say that at all,
Speaker 1: but that might be what they heard because they immediately
Speaker 1: felt a little defensive.
Speaker 5: So the repeating is really helpful.
Speaker 3: Very it's a good one.
Speaker 4: What if the grandparents are like, we lived life like
Speaker 4: we raised our children, we did we worked for however
Speaker 4: long now we're retired and living our best life, like
Speaker 4: going the casino, and it's great.
Speaker 5: You're saying, what if that was their response?
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I think that would not be addressing the
Speaker 1: sadness of I want to see you more. And that's
Speaker 1: why I think it's helpful to not focus on their actions.
Speaker 1: Well they're perceived addiction versus how this affects our family,
Speaker 1: how is this affecting me?
Speaker 5: Versus you? You you you you.
Speaker 3: Because then they could assess like, oh, okay, wow, we've
Speaker 3: been waiting our whole lives to just gamble and have
Speaker 3: fun together, and wow, we didn't realize with that we've
Speaker 3: been neglecting our daughter and grandchildren. So then they can
Speaker 3: assess how to prioritize their time.
Speaker 1: And the hope is that they're like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: we didn't realize that that was so important to you.
Speaker 5: That's the hope.
Speaker 1: But if they don't respond, well, that's where you have
Speaker 1: to sit with some of those uncomfortable feelings and we
Speaker 1: can't control people, which sucks.
Speaker 5: Sure does.
Speaker 3: Okay, we have a voicemail. This is I don't think
Speaker 3: it's anonymous, no, because.
Speaker 4: She's just encouraging us to skydive, because she's got like
Speaker 4: seven hundred jumps under her belt, which I've forgotten. We
Speaker 4: talked about skydiving the other day, which is why she
Speaker 4: even called in with this message of encouragement for us.
Speaker 4: She's Maria and Plano, Texas, by the way, But I
Speaker 4: have a cousin who's an avid skydiver, has hundreds and
Speaker 4: hundreds of jumps, and I was thinking I could call
Speaker 4: him and we could go.
Speaker 5: We aren't doing anything did you see.
Speaker 4: The dad that was para gliding with his child, And
Speaker 4: some people were calling it child abuse because the child's
Speaker 4: like five, and it's like can a kid decide if
Speaker 4: they want to go? But the kid was having a blast,
Speaker 4: Like the kid was.
Speaker 5: The beach.
Speaker 4: I mean, that's paras sailing, Okay, it's more think of
Speaker 4: like if you were to go skydiving. You're jumping out
Speaker 4: and when you're once, you pull the parachute and you're floating.
Speaker 4: It's sort of paragliding is like you've got this big shoot,
Speaker 4: but you may jump off of a bridge, you may
Speaker 4: jump off somewhere, and then you're gliding like I don't
Speaker 4: I don't think you're you exit from a plane.
Speaker 3: I don't know, but it looks sort of similar.
Speaker 4: But I'm just saying it was a viral clip, so
Speaker 4: I was going to ask you about it because he'd
Speaker 4: obviously been taking her since before she was five. But
Speaker 4: she was really sweet in the video, and she was
Speaker 4: even holding and like trying to steer a little bit
Speaker 4: and she's like, okay, I'm tied or whatever. But people
Speaker 4: were very divided on if that was a cute father
Speaker 4: daughter moment or if that is child abuse?
Speaker 5: What do you think.
Speaker 4: I thought it was fine because he's not gonna put
Speaker 4: his daughter in harm's way. But I guess that activity
Speaker 4: in itself is dangerous. Yeah, but he's clearly a professional.
Speaker 4: So it's like to me, I thought it was a
Speaker 4: precious moment. I would not scream child abuse. But Eddie
Speaker 4: and Lunchbox on the Bobby Bone Show, they both said
Speaker 4: child abuse.
Speaker 1: I don't know that it is necessarily child abuse, but
Speaker 1: it does ring alarm for me, Like I wouldn't feel
Speaker 1: comfortable doing that, but I also wouldn't feel comfortable pair gliding.
Speaker 5: Now the child was skydiving. To me, that feels different.
Speaker 3: Those feel the same to me, Like.
Speaker 5: If you see the video, I guess I don't really
Speaker 5: understand what pearagliding is.
Speaker 3: Well, just imagine you're falling from the sky in a parachute.
Speaker 5: But you're can we look at the law on this,
Speaker 5: because I would.
Speaker 1: If it was child abuse, I would be like, that
Speaker 1: makes sense, But if it wasn't, I also would be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I can see why that also makes sense, but I
Speaker 1: don't like it.
Speaker 5: Okay, I do not like it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't want my adult child to do this,
Speaker 1: So I'm definitely not taking my five year old.
Speaker 3: To do it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I guess if it's something that you love doing,
Speaker 4: like the voicemail abrout to play, she's got seven hundred jumps,
Speaker 4: Like if she has a baby and she feels safe
Speaker 4: doing it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wonder what the law is.
Speaker 5: You cannot take a baby sky diving. There's no way. Yeah,
Speaker 5: that feels like a liability. Uh huh.
Speaker 4: When I did it, that was the scariest part for
Speaker 4: me was right when I jumped. Sorry, how my computer
Speaker 4: volume up? Because we're gonna play the voicemail. But the
Speaker 4: when I jumped, the scariest part for me was up
Speaker 4: at the top where it's really cold and you're kind
Speaker 4: of grasping for air a little bit. But then once
Speaker 4: you pull the shoot, it's like, oh and it's really
Speaker 4: everything relaxes and you like see the city and everything
Speaker 4: around you, and.
Speaker 3: It's like it's really cool.
Speaker 5: You wouldn't do it again.
Speaker 4: No, I don't want to do it again exactly, But
Speaker 4: Mariah here would like to convince us, So let's go
Speaker 4: ahead and play her voicemail.
Speaker 6: Hi. This is Mariah in Plano, Texas. I am forty
Speaker 6: years old and I'm feeling a little bit bummed that
Speaker 6: Kat doesn't want to go skydiving, and Amy they you
Speaker 6: wouldn't do it again. I am a skydiver.
Speaker 7: I have almost seven hundred jumps. My husband has almost
Speaker 7: eleven hundred jumps. And we have jumped in Egypt, France.
Speaker 7: We're going to Iceland in about two weeks to skydive
Speaker 7: during the eclipse. We've jumped in Bali. We actually wing
Speaker 7: suit and it's just it's so fun and just as experience,
Speaker 7: and it's like there's a lot of safety protocols in place,
Speaker 7: and it's not in I mean, yeah, it's dangerous to
Speaker 7: some extent, but as Amy said, like you get in
Speaker 7: a car every day and that's incredibly dangerous. But I
Speaker 7: think it's something that everybody should try, at least once
Speaker 7: you get a whole different perspective of life and the world.
Speaker 5: And it's just, I.
Speaker 7: Don't know, it kind of bumms me out that you
Speaker 7: wouldn't give it at least a consideration.
Speaker 5: So I don't know.
Speaker 7: I just thought i'd call and share my feelings on that. Anyways,
Speaker 7: love you guys, and have the day you need to have.
Speaker 4: She's genuinely really sad that this is like her passion
Speaker 4: and the fact that you don't even want to.
Speaker 3: Try it or that I don't want to do it again.
Speaker 4: He's so that's good. She expressed her feelings on it,
Speaker 4: which we appreciate. That's what this podcast is all about.
Speaker 4: It is about feelings. And I think that is so
Speaker 4: cool that she's jumped all those different places. After she
Speaker 4: said how many jumps her husband has, I'm like, she's
Speaker 4: from Texas. I'm like, I wonder if she's married to
Speaker 4: my cousin that like, but that would be funny. But
Speaker 4: I feel like he has a ton of jumps like that.
Speaker 4: This is a cousin on my dad's side where my
Speaker 4: dad was the youngest of seven kids, and then I
Speaker 4: was his youngest. My dad had me when he was
Speaker 4: really old, so all of my cousins on his side
Speaker 4: are way older than me.
Speaker 5: What is really old to you? How old was your dad?
Speaker 3: I mean my dad? Okay, well, I say really old
Speaker 3: when he had me, but he was late forties. Oh yeah, I.
Speaker 5: Thought you were going to say, like, no, thirty eight,
Speaker 5: and I'm like, no, he had.
Speaker 3: Me on his third marriage.
Speaker 5: Why don't know how fast his divorces came about? Well, Okay,
Speaker 5: that's the.
Speaker 4: Older Yeah, and then I'm the last of his four kids,
Speaker 4: and then he was the last. I'm just saying all
Speaker 4: of his siblings that had kids, So I don't really
Speaker 4: know my cousins. That's well, that's why I don't on
Speaker 4: his side. So that's why I don't know his wife,
Speaker 4: Like they're from Texas and he jumps a lot, or
Speaker 4: maybe she maybe knows him. But first of all, Mariah, Mariah,
Speaker 4: thank you for sharing your experience. I love that and
Speaker 4: your husband have found something that I'll enjoy doing together
Speaker 4: and that you are traveling the world doing it and
Speaker 4: they're about to go.
Speaker 3: Would she say she's going to do it during the eclipse.
Speaker 5: Eclipse that's gonna be rightand.
Speaker 3: Iceland that's gonna be so sick.
Speaker 5: Yeah, but I'll go to Iceland and not skydive.
Speaker 4: Well, what's crazy is when you have your baby, you're
Speaker 4: gonna put it in a car, but.
Speaker 5: You won't like child abuse her.
Speaker 3: You're gonna put that baby on the highway.
Speaker 1: In a really safe car seat. Again, I will say
Speaker 1: that I said this last time. Don't give me those
Speaker 1: dies kidding. I feel skydiving would be an elective activity
Speaker 1: I have to get in a car to function in
Speaker 1: my everyday life.
Speaker 5: That's what the difference is.
Speaker 1: I do recognize that I'm more likely to get hurt
Speaker 1: in a car wreck than if I go skydiving once.
Speaker 1: But the difference is I have to do one the other.
Speaker 1: I'm just choosing to be a little you know, crazy,
Speaker 1: and I'm not somebody which I'm okay that other people
Speaker 1: are not this way. Actually, you know what I really do?
Speaker 1: What is it called when I admire?
Speaker 3: What is it called when you look up to someone
Speaker 3: know what they're doing and you think it's cool.
Speaker 1: I admire when other people can have more risk taking
Speaker 1: in their lives. I am risk averse when it comes
Speaker 1: to safety, and I have a little bit of that.
Speaker 3: Like when I ride a jet ski.
Speaker 5: Oh, I got like so slow.
Speaker 4: If like I'm riding a jet ski with someone and
Speaker 4: they try to like take off and like return, like
Speaker 4: I'm like freaking out and I'm like, get me off
Speaker 4: of this.
Speaker 3: So if I'm the one driving, I'm.
Speaker 4: Like like going down the lake like barely with my
Speaker 4: my hair is not even flowing because I like don't
Speaker 4: want to drive the jet ski fast water water sports
Speaker 4: freak me out.
Speaker 5: Well, so little behind the scenes.
Speaker 1: My husband is here helping us with video, and he
Speaker 1: also does not like jet skis. It's hard, he said,
Speaker 1: Not because.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he says they're they're hard to drive.
Speaker 5: He said, not because I think the dangerous because they're
Speaker 5: hard to drive. But we The last time I was
Speaker 5: on a jet ski was with him. It was probably
Speaker 5: three years ago. We went out for maybe five minutes
Speaker 5: and I.
Speaker 1: Was like, take me back, we're gonna capsize.
Speaker 5: I haven't been on one set.
Speaker 3: Yeah, i'd say, I'm not.
Speaker 5: Really, that's the risk you see.
Speaker 3: I know your risk verse which risk averse, risk averse,
Speaker 3: that's me.
Speaker 5: That's me.
Speaker 3: Yeah, start labeling myself as.
Speaker 5: That which I yeah.
Speaker 1: Again, I admire that other people are not that way.
Speaker 1: This is I feel okay with it.
Speaker 4: But thank you for calling and sharing your experience because
Speaker 4: I know that somebody listening is motivated and will.
Speaker 5: Go skydive and don't let me keep it from doing.
Speaker 4: That's why I'm glad that I've checked that box. I
Speaker 4: don't know what got into me and made me actually
Speaker 4: do it. I know that it was my thirtieth birthday
Speaker 4: lunchbox went to and a friend.
Speaker 3: I just I guess I just decided I was going
Speaker 3: to do it, and I did it, and now I'm
Speaker 3: good with that.
Speaker 4: I don't have any other thing like wild adventure things
Speaker 4: on my life except for I do want to go
Speaker 4: to that hotel in Kenya where the giraffes come up
Speaker 4: to the window and you can feed them breakfast.
Speaker 5: I don't think that is risky.
Speaker 3: That's an adventure though, Oh yeah, yeah, that's can be adventurous.
Speaker 3: Yeah I don't.
Speaker 4: That's what I'm saying, like I don't have because I
Speaker 4: was going to say I don't have anything adventuress on
Speaker 4: my list, but that's when I corrected myself, because that's
Speaker 4: adventures I want to go. But then I'm like, well,
Speaker 4: I've already gone to Kenya before and I've gone on
Speaker 4: a safari, so on one of my travel trips, would
Speaker 4: I waste going back to Kenya again.
Speaker 5: You can't go to Kenya until you go to Paris,
Speaker 5: I know.
Speaker 4: So you can tell my adventuress in Paris if you
Speaker 4: know where I might go on my next vacation is
Speaker 4: to see I don't.
Speaker 3: I don't think I have enough time for that.
Speaker 4: Okay, for booking it, I get it, but I can
Speaker 4: still plan that but my cousin moved to Ecuador, so
Speaker 4: I might go see her in Ecuador.
Speaker 5: That would be fun, you could. I'm sure she'll do
Speaker 5: something adventurous with you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like I know that we'll go hike.
Speaker 5: And I've seen a ziplining. That's crazy.
Speaker 3: Oh, my sister had a little zipline in her backyard.
Speaker 5: I think ziplining. No, I didn't.
Speaker 4: I didn't do like you're probably talking in, like like
Speaker 4: a jungle zipline.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I haven't done that. That's scary.
Speaker 1: I went diplining at an adventure place in Dixon, Tennessee.
Speaker 3: Yeah I did. I jumped on my sister's trampoline a
Speaker 3: couple of weeks ago.
Speaker 5: Okay, at our age is kind of adventuress.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 4: I was thinking about how I haven't need to go
Speaker 4: to the capactor after ended up having to get knee surgery.
Speaker 4: A mom friend of mine, she also adopted from Haiti.
Speaker 4: She was jumping on a trampoline once. Her husband is
Speaker 4: really well known, so the story is kind of funny.
Speaker 4: She's like, I was like, what happened to your knee?
Speaker 4: And she's like, I was jumping on a trampoline with
Speaker 4: Lady Gaga and I popped my knee and was like
Speaker 4: what what? So then yeah, they had to go to
Speaker 4: the hospital. It was a whole thing. She was like
Speaker 4: out on the trampline like three seconds later. I was
Speaker 4: down for the count and I was like, oh what
Speaker 4: just like funny some people's lives, like what happened to
Speaker 4: your knee?
Speaker 5: Well me and Lady g.
Speaker 3: I was like, what are you doing with?
Speaker 5: Lady Gaga was just hanging out.
Speaker 4: I have no idea, I don't I think maybe wherever
Speaker 4: her favorite friends have friends that were somewhere and they
Speaker 4: had trampoline and somehow she ended up on the trampling
Speaker 4: with Lady Gaga.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, Well.
Speaker 5: Just so you know, we are kind of crazy. We
Speaker 5: do stuff like that. Wild you want a skydive, we
Speaker 5: support you. Mm hmm.
Speaker 3: Thank you for your emails and your voicemails. We always
Speaker 3: love them.
Speaker 4: You can email us hey, they're at Feeling Things podcasts
Speaker 4: dot com. No matter how serious, big, we can keep
Speaker 4: you anonymous. We can give every detail like whatever you.
Speaker 3: Will allow, we will try to honor and respect whatever
Speaker 3: you would like for us to put out there. And
Speaker 3: you can also call us eight seven seven two O
Speaker 3: seven two O seven seven. Most importantly, we hope, wherever
Speaker 3: you are, you have the day you need to have.
Speaker 3: Bye Bye,