WEBVTT - Healing After Abuse + Are My Parents Gambling Addicts? (Couch Talks) 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.000 While we hope Couch Talks can be a tool that 0:00:02.080 --> 0:00:04.920 helps them supports wherever you are in life. Couch Talks 0:00:04.960 --> 0:00:08.000 does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:10.680 or any mental health services. 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:15.760 To good all right, break it down. If you ever 0:00:15.880 --> 0:00:19.560 have feelings that you just won't home, Amy and Cat gotcha, 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:23.520 Cob and like a brother, the ladies and folks, we 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:25.640 just follow an the spirit where it's out of the 0:00:26.239 --> 0:00:29.639 front and real stuff to the chill stuff and them 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:33.199 but swaying. Sometimes the best thing you can do it 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:38.760 just stop you feel. This is Feeling Things with Amy 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:39.240 and Cat. 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:40.760 Happy Thursday. 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:43.680 Welcome to Couch Talks, our Q and a episode to 0:00:43.720 --> 0:00:44.879 the Feeling Things podcast. 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:47.720 I'm Amy and I'm Cat and We're going. 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:52.479 To start off with a pretty powerful email and I'm 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:58.000 gonna paraphrase it because it was incredibly long and we'll 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:00.800 just get right into it and the topic is not 0:01:00.960 --> 0:01:04.560 light there. She even gave us a trigger warning. I'll 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:07.720 read that as part of the email. It starts off, Hey, 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:10.840 my name is V. I'm twenty five years old from Virginia. 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:12.959 V from Virginia. 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:16.120 I love you love an alliteration. 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:20.800 Uh trigger warning This email includes references to abuse, addiction, 0:01:20.959 --> 0:01:24.039 and suicide threats. I want to preface this by saying 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:26.840 that you're welcome to read, share, or paraphrase any part 0:01:26.880 --> 0:01:30.520 of this email on the podcast at your discretion. So 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:36.680 after that line, we paraphrased uh and condensed everything that 0:01:36.760 --> 0:01:40.959 V had to share. So the details that you need 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:44.280 to know to understand her question for us, she was 0:01:44.319 --> 0:01:48.720 in a severely abusive relationship, emotional, physical, and psychological. He 0:01:48.800 --> 0:01:51.640 was an alcoholic and an addict who cheated, lied, made 0:01:51.680 --> 0:01:57.480 suicide threats. He held weapons to his head, forced her 0:01:57.560 --> 0:02:01.320 to watch, and at one point he actually fired a 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:03.240 gun into a voicemail to make her think that he 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:06.640 had taken his life. Every time she tried to leave, 0:02:06.760 --> 0:02:10.280 he pulled her back in through manipulation, threats or empty promises. 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:14.000 She became pregnant, and he abandoned her during the entire pregnancy. 0:02:14.400 --> 0:02:17.400 After she gave birth, he denied being the father, called 0:02:17.480 --> 0:02:20.960 her horrible names, and threatened to take their daughter away, 0:02:21.040 --> 0:02:25.760 while simultaneously offering to disappear forever for one thousand dollars. 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:29.040 He's never met his daughter. She has since seen on 0:02:29.080 --> 0:02:33.000 Facebook that he appears to be happy committed or in 0:02:33.040 --> 0:02:37.240 a happy, committed relationship with someone else. She herself has 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:40.600 been in therapy for a year and is starting EMDR 0:02:41.320 --> 0:02:45.120 with a new therapist. Her actual questions that she included 0:02:45.400 --> 0:02:49.840 in the email, how do you accept that there may 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:53.000 never be justice, accountability, or an apology. How do you 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:55.360 move forward when the person who caused all the harm 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:58.440 appears to have gotten a fresh start while you are 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:01.520 still carrying the consequences. And how do you hold on 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:04.560 to hope for your own future when his apparent happiness 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:08.519 feels like proof that he was rewarded and you were discarded. 0:03:10.800 --> 0:03:14.440 So I told you we were starting off heavy and 0:03:14.760 --> 0:03:18.320 out of the gate. This isn't even into the deep stuff. 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:23.120 This is just such a reminder to all of us 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:29.960 what you see on Facebook and Instagram isn't real life. 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:32.800 So I think that's one thing you can do for 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:35.760 yourself is maybe not even look at his stuff, but 0:03:35.880 --> 0:03:38.360 if you do look at it with a filter of 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:43.720 you even use that he appears to be happy in 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:47.520 another relationship with someone else, you know the torment you 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:48.360 went through with him. 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:50.880 I don't know a person. 0:03:50.920 --> 0:03:54.480 If that's how they operate in life, their relationship is 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:56.880 probably not happy unless he's done some real work and 0:03:56.920 --> 0:04:00.280 he's gotten healing and he's a completely different person, because 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:01.560 they may appear happy. 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:04.920 But I just doubt that's the case. 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:11.200 Yeah, And it's clear he is really good at manipulating, 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:15.280 and he's he's a liar, and he from this email. 0:04:15.560 --> 0:04:18.200 I don't know this person, but all of these if 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:20.640 all of these things are true, then he's not going 0:04:20.720 --> 0:04:25.240 to snap his fingers and start dating somebody else and 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:28.479 be a completely different person to that person. However he 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:32.800 might want you to think that, like and everybody else 0:04:32.800 --> 0:04:37.240 and everybody else. Yeah, And so I as hard as 0:04:37.279 --> 0:04:39.040 that is, I feel like it's that's kind of some 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:41.640 of that advice that people let go in one ear 0:04:41.680 --> 0:04:43.839 and out the other because you hear it so often, 0:04:43.839 --> 0:04:45.040 but you hear it so often. 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:45.839 Because it is so true. 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:49.080 We talk about this all the time in general, not 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:52.800 even about x's and stuff, but just in general being 0:04:52.839 --> 0:04:55.640 careful of the things that you see on Instagram, like 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:59.560 that people are selling or whatever it is that they 0:04:59.640 --> 0:05:01.560 might that this is working for them, but we don't 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:04.920 really know that. So this is the same idea, just 0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:09.240 at a very higher risk level that yeah, anybody can 0:05:09.240 --> 0:05:14.440 put anything. Also Also, you can make a lot of 0:05:14.480 --> 0:05:19.120 fake stuff now, like on AI and chat GBT, like 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:19.760 you can. 0:05:19.960 --> 0:05:21.560 Wait, do you think his girlfriend's AI? 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:24.440 It could be? It could be. I mean I haven't 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:28.719 used like the. 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:30.160 Photo stuff that often, but even this last week I 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:32.599 typed in there and was like, can you put curtains 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:34.520 on my window? And it looks like a real photo 0:05:34.600 --> 0:05:36.760 and it looks like so oh. 0:05:36.839 --> 0:05:39.920 You know, on Tuesday's episode, I was telling you about 0:05:40.440 --> 0:05:43.640 my friend's Hinge profile and we were going through the 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:47.960 fifty men that had sent her a rose or whatever, 0:05:48.560 --> 0:05:51.920 and one of them. I thought, oh my gosh, wait 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:55.920 this guy is cute and oh he's a surgeon. I mean, 0:05:55.960 --> 0:05:58.080 there was all this stuff and then as we scrolled, 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:00.000 she was like, no, this is AI and I was like, wait, 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:05.400 there's AI people on Hinge. And he gave his instagram 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:07.240 that you could look up to and he looked up 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:10.960 the Instagram, and so much about it seemed so fake. 0:06:11.240 --> 0:06:16.400 And remember cry ocat. I think on Riyah that dating 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:17.719 app you have to get invited to. 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:19.520 I think she got. 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:23.560 Scammed by AI photos or some fake photos and she 0:06:23.640 --> 0:06:25.720 thought he was some Italian model and she's like, look 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:28.400 at this guy that's into me I don't even know well, 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:30.680 and she's beautiful, so I thought, okay, yeah, this Italian 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:32.479 model might be under her like I don't know. But 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:35.520 turns out it was total scam situation and it was 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:38.200 through a dating app. And so that's a really good point, 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.200 Like what's It's kind of everywhere and we need to 0:06:41.240 --> 0:06:43.680 be aware of it in some places like on Instagram 0:06:43.760 --> 0:06:46.240 now it needs to be labeled, like if you upload 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:47.839 something AI like, it'll give. 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:51.680 A tag that says that. But I don't know if Facebook. 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:54.240 Sometimes I feel like you can get away with it, 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:57.760 like I just there's probably loopholes. And I'm not saying 0:06:57.760 --> 0:06:59.800 this guy is like made up a AI girlfriend, but 0:06:59.880 --> 0:07:03.960 I'm just saying, like you, now is a time where 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:07.360 we have to question things before we believe them, which 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:10.840 I hate that because it feels very cynical, but we 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:13.600 should not just I'm the kind of person who wants 0:07:13.640 --> 0:07:16.040 to believe the good and everything, but I've learned time 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:18.400 and time again you can't do that because I end 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:21.720 up hurting my own feelings by doing that. So I 0:07:21.840 --> 0:07:25.920 would encourage her to take everything she sees with a 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:31.640 very large grain of salt, and also just let's say 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:33.960 he is in a new relationship and he's happy. Does 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:36.640 that now make you want to be back with him? 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:40.080 Because your relationship doesn't sound like anything that you ever wanted, 0:07:41.080 --> 0:07:42.920 and he has hurt you, he doesn't deserve to be 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:45.800 in your life. He probably doesn't deserve to be in 0:07:45.800 --> 0:07:49.680 his daughter's life at this point. Like to respect yourself, 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:52.560 we have to create boundaries and not allow people, even 0:07:52.600 --> 0:07:55.120 if they've changed, like because we. 0:07:55.120 --> 0:07:55.920 Have been hurt in some way. 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.640 Sometimes okay to say like, good for you, I'm so 0:07:58.760 --> 0:08:01.000 glad that you are. Don't have to be glad, but like, 0:08:01.360 --> 0:08:04.200 good for you that you've created this new life for yourself. 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.440 I deserve somebody who would have never done that to me. 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:10.880 I wonder if it would be helpful for her to 0:08:11.000 --> 0:08:13.880 mute his account so that she doesn't have to even 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:14.600 see it. 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.520 I've also one of my first thoughts was, like, somebody 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:19.560 could have sent her these photos. 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:21.160 I don't know. Maybe she's not Facebook. 0:08:20.800 --> 0:08:23.520 Friends with him, but if she is, I would highly 0:08:23.520 --> 0:08:27.280 recommend cut off any kind of any kind of access 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:30.040 you have to his life and he has to your life, 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:33.400 because he is an to me. This is if all 0:08:33.440 --> 0:08:35.520 of this is true and we can't give like actual 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:39.280 advice because we don't know this person. This is a podcast, 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:44.719 but to me, this person is very unsafe, so they 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:48.000 don't need access to any part of your life. And 0:08:48.080 --> 0:08:51.360 for your asking like how do I like accept and 0:08:51.440 --> 0:08:53.720 move on? A part of that is cutting off this 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:58.080 part of your life. And we've talked recently about how 0:08:58.120 --> 0:09:02.280 sometimes we're quick to cut off several relationships. This is 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:06.080 one of those situations that it makes sense, like he 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:09.520 didn't just hurt your feelings one time, he endangered you. 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:13.440 Yeah, and having to deal with the fact that there 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:17.240 may never be justice, accountability or an apology. That's where 0:09:17.360 --> 0:09:20.440 radical acceptance comes in. Yeah, you have to look at 0:09:20.440 --> 0:09:23.240 the type of person that you're dealing with. You have 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:25.360 started there, or you've been doing therapy for a year, 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:27.960 you're starting AMDR, You're getting the tools that you need 0:09:28.360 --> 0:09:31.800 that will help you radically accept that. He's the type 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:33.720 of person you may not get that from. 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:37.640 And well, I like to think with that is I 0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:41.040 get that. I get it because I also would want justice. 0:09:41.280 --> 0:09:45.160 Yes, that is like the queen of justice. 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:48.880 How many times have I well, I've recently talked about 0:09:48.920 --> 0:09:51.520 my YELP review, but I oftentimes am like, I'm going 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:52.800 to write a review for this. 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:55.480 It's not right, and it's not. 0:09:57.720 --> 0:10:01.560 But what I would hope for her is that what 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:06.200 becomes more important about him getting what he deserves is 0:10:06.200 --> 0:10:09.880 that you get what you deserve. So what kind of 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:10.640 life are you living? 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:10.760 Like? 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:13.640 You're doing the work to heal from this. You one 0:10:13.720 --> 0:10:16.800 day will have a relationship that brings you joy and 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:21.560 feel safe and loving, and that is more important. Your 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:24.040 life is more important than what happens. 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:26.280 To him and the type of life you get to 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:31.320 provide for your daughter. And that's so there's radical acceptance 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:33.760 in there. There's also you doing what you need to 0:10:33.760 --> 0:10:36.479 do for your life, which is you're already doing it, 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:38.960 minus the you may need to. However, you're getting access 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:42.560 to his Facebook information, and if friends are sending that 0:10:42.600 --> 0:10:45.040 to you, you maybe ask friends like, hey, I don't 0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:49.200 I'd rather not know unless it's information that I need 0:10:49.240 --> 0:10:52.200 because of my daughter, I probably don't need to know 0:10:52.240 --> 0:11:06.600 what's going on with his life and his relationship. That 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:09.319 question was how do I move forward when the person 0:11:09.360 --> 0:11:10.560 who caused harm appears? 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:11.040 Who've gotten a. 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:14.840 Fresh start, Well, you're getting a new start too, because 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:17.440 you've gotten him out of your life, So I would 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:22.280 shift perspective on Thank goodness you're out from under that, 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:26.080 because you could still be stuck there. So this is 0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:28.160 a fresh start for you, and you've already started with 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:30.080 the tools that you have, and then you get to 0:11:30.120 --> 0:11:33.320 move and from your path and what is now possible 0:11:33.360 --> 0:11:35.440 from this? How do you get to come alongside and 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:37.800 support other people that have gone through something similar. 0:11:39.280 --> 0:11:40.280 It may not be right. 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:41.959 Away, but then that's one of the ways we get 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:44.920 to use our pain to help others. 0:11:45.120 --> 0:11:48.800 Do you did you see that interview? I wish I 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:49.719 knew who it was with. 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:52.400 I want to say, with Stephen Colbert and somebody else, 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:56.560 but it could be wrong, but it was asking, like 0:11:57.280 --> 0:12:00.600 one of them, how do you deal with like the 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:02.560 hardest parts of your life and these things that you've 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:03.040 been through. 0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:04.720 Is this ringing a bell to you? 0:12:04.800 --> 0:12:05.000 Yep? 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:10.800 Okay? Well his response was this will make me cry. God, 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:11.880 I've been doing so good. 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:16.560 His response was, Kat's seven and a half months pregnant. 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:18.360 By the way, in case you're having to be tuning 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:21.120 in for the very first time, not all of our 0:12:21.120 --> 0:12:22.079 emails are this heavy. 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:24.400 Yeah, but Kat does cry a lot. 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:30.000 He's I'm paraphrasing, he said it much more eloquently, but 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:33.760 it just felt so good and it's so true, he said. 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:36.560 I have a lot of gratitude for the things that 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:40.080 have hurt me in my life, not because I'm happy 0:12:40.080 --> 0:12:42.800 that they have happened, but because that is what connects 0:12:42.840 --> 0:12:45.920 us to other human beings. Being able to relate to 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:49.160 somebody else and be able to hear somebody else's story 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:52.240 and have compassion for them and be able to help 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:53.120 them through something. 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:56.960 Those are the most meaningful parts of relationships. 0:12:57.520 --> 0:13:00.440 Yes, it's fun to go to party and go on 0:13:00.520 --> 0:13:03.240 vacations and do all this stuff, but the most meaningful 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:06.960 parts of life are when you're going through something and 0:13:07.000 --> 0:13:09.000 I can be there for you and I can understand you. 0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:13.880 So that's how I have gratitude for and can accept 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:16.960 that these things have happened to me, is because I 0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:20.120 have to believe that they are there to bring me 0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:22.880 closer to other people and connect me to people. 0:13:24.000 --> 0:13:26.120 I did a pretty good getting through that, actually I did. 0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:29.520 So there's that I wish I had that video because 0:13:29.559 --> 0:13:31.480 then I would send that to this person that it 0:13:31.520 --> 0:13:33.839 was as that was really helpful to hear. 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:36.319 But I think all that's true. 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:39.840 Yeah, And I think that if you're wondering how to 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:44.880 hold on to hope, like to me, I have to 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:49.080 cling to hope at times when it doesn't I even 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:52.640 tattooed it on my arm whenever I was in the 0:13:52.679 --> 0:13:56.160 process of adoption like my husband and I at the 0:13:56.160 --> 0:13:58.760 time it took us five years to get our kids 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:01.280 from Haiti and a spaw me hope and Haitian creole, 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:03.640 and I tattooed a spot on my wrist so that 0:14:03.679 --> 0:14:05.760 every day I would look at it and I was 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:10.680 reminded to keep the faith and to have hope. And 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:14.520 you may need to just have little reminders for yourself. 0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:18.040 Doesn't mean it has to be a tattoo. But my 0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:21.600 story wasn't working out the way I thought, but I 0:14:21.640 --> 0:14:26.760 had to surrender my dream of getting pregnant and having babies. 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:31.720 That storyline shifted completely, and becoming a mom happened in 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:34.400 a way that I never would have imagined for myself 0:14:34.440 --> 0:14:38.040 at all whatsoever. Not only did we end up not 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:40.680 ever having a baby, then we were going to adopt 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:42.960 a baby, and we didn't even adopt a baby. We 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:47.120 adopted two older children, so everything looked different, like I 0:14:47.160 --> 0:14:50.400 never got to change diapers or wake up in the 0:14:50.440 --> 0:14:52.480 middle of the night because they're crying and hold them. 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:54.360 And like, there's a lot of things that I was 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:57.360 looking forward to when it came to becoming a mom 0:14:57.880 --> 0:14:58.400 that I. 0:14:58.320 --> 0:14:58.760 Had to. 0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:02.520 You know, I had hope for that too, And then 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:04.240 my period would come, and every time that would be 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:06.760 the vicious cycle of crying and then starting that. But 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:12.560 then this my story shifted, and your story is shifting. 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:16.320 Like this is a completely different chapter that you now 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:19.200 get to write for yourself, and thank goodness, he's not 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:20.080 a part of it. 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:21.080 M H. 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:25.400 So have a little way for you to remember that 0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:28.200 hope is there. You're doing the work and these are 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:30.440 going to be some beautiful chapters with you and your daughter. 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:32.320 And I'm so sorry that you went through this with 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:37.040 this guy who seems very unwell. 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:39.359 Yeah, to put it lightly. 0:15:39.240 --> 0:15:42.960 To put it lightly, all right, Next email, this is 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:45.800 from Oh it's supposed to be anonymous. 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:47.960 Yep, literally in bold. 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:51.840 Keep this anonymous, please, so but we can say they're well, 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:53.240 I don't even know if we should say where they're 0:15:53.240 --> 0:15:53.680 from now. 0:15:53.760 --> 0:15:57.040 Dang, they're from America. 0:15:56.440 --> 0:15:58.880 Which we do need to clarify because we're international. 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:03.400 Yes, we do have listeners in Canada and. 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:06.280 It was so from Africa somewhere. 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:12.840 Yeah, yeah, oh Nigeria, Nigeria, I think, yeah, Nigeria. 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:14.359 I feel like we had an Australian. 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:15.600 I'm sure we did. 0:16:15.920 --> 0:16:18.040 I love somebody vacationing in Australia. 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:20.040 We need to pull up that map again that gives 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:22.360 us the percentages of like who's listening where, so just 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:34.280 know this person's in America. 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:35.480 Hey, Amy and Kat. 0:16:35.760 --> 0:16:39.120 I'm processing some big feelings regarding my parents and reaching 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:41.920 out to get some advice on this situation. I'm thirty 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:44.560 five years old, happily married to children. My parents are 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:47.480 in their mid sixties, and I believe they both have 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:52.680 a gambling addiction. First, I love my parents dearly. They 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:55.440 own a business and they are very blessed financially. And 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:58.360 while I do not know the details of their gambling 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:01.800 wins and losses, I definitely only hear about the winds 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:05.680 and perks of being their elite status of the casino lol. 0:17:06.200 --> 0:17:08.919 But I do have serious concerns of how gambling affects 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:11.800 their mentical and physical health, along with fears of what 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:16.399 this hobby slash addiction could be doing to them financially. 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:20.439 My parents are the most excited and happiest when they 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.160 are at the casino or talking about their recent trip 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.000 to the casino. Outside of those times, they are fairly 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:31.320 negative people. Gambling brings them the most joy in life. 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:34.479 I have my two children their only grandchildren, and they 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:36.720 enjoy spending time with them that they rarely come to 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:39.960 visit or ask about their grandchildren unless I reach out 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:43.240 for context. I live two hours from them, and the 0:17:43.320 --> 0:17:47.320 casino is an hour forty five from them the other direction. 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:51.320 It makes me incredibly sad that my parents will randomly 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.080 drive to the casino on a weeknight or spend every 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:56.560 other week in there, when I've mentioned that their grandchildren 0:17:57.000 --> 0:18:00.879 would like to see them and would appreciate help occasionally 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:03.480 during the week if their schedule would allow. Am I 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:06.080 being too critical of the thing that brings them the 0:18:06.119 --> 0:18:09.240 most joy? How can I address this with them? How 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:13.840 do you truly know that a gambling hobby might just 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:15.919 that it's just a hobby, or it could actually be 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:18.960 an addiction. Thank you for any and all advice. Have 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:27.720 the day you need to have your friend Anonymous from America. 0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:28.760 Which I had that thought because you clarified it is 0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:36.119 I wonder if there have to be casinos in other countries, right, yeah, okay, 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:37.720 I just had that thought. You know how some states 0:18:37.720 --> 0:18:40.520 it's illegal. In some states it's legal that, Like, I 0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:42.720 didn't know if other countries. I'm sure some countries are 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:43.280 around want. 0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:43.600 To do it at all. 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:46.840 Yeah, So clearly that's not the country that this person 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:47.800 would be emily from. 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:50.359 Okay, I have some thoughts. Do you have some thoughts? 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:51.440 Can I just jump in. 0:18:51.600 --> 0:18:52.880 Jump in therapists? 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:57.679 So there's some main questions you want to us to address, 0:18:57.680 --> 0:18:59.760 And one of them was, am I being too critical? 0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:03.120 Thing that brings them the most joy? I don't hear. 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:07.160 I love the introspection of am I being too hard 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:10.000 on them? I don't hear you being critical. I hear 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:14.159 a lot of sadness and fear, which to me isn't 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:17.679 being a critic. It's just having emotions towards what you're seeing. 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:26.119 So we can't diagnose somebody. I was gonna say, we 0:19:26.160 --> 0:19:31.840 can't diagnose somebody having an addiction without you know, having 0:19:31.880 --> 0:19:34.920 them kind of be part of the process. However, that's 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:37.720 not true because we can see behaviors, but you're not 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:41.280 seeing all of your parents' behaviors exactly, So we can't. 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:43.000 And yeah, we're definitely not. 0:19:43.119 --> 0:19:45.600 So I think you're not going to be able to 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:48.960 see if this is truly an addiction for them because 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:51.280 you don't have you're not privy to all of the information. 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:56.000 I think gambling addictions can be more insidious because you 0:19:56.160 --> 0:20:00.640 can hide to an extent some of the repercussions versus 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:02.160 if you're. 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:07.280 An alcoholic or you're a drug addict or something like that. 0:20:07.320 --> 0:20:10.760 You're oftentimes you're out in public and those things are 0:20:10.760 --> 0:20:14.760 being shown more often and the consequences can be seen 0:20:15.440 --> 0:20:16.680 to other people. 0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:21.200 Bloodshot eyes, slurring words right, like, without access to their 0:20:21.200 --> 0:20:25.760 bank account and seeing yeah, and however time they're actually 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:26.320 sending there. 0:20:26.440 --> 0:20:28.560 But I guess true, it doesn't matter if they're in debt. 0:20:28.600 --> 0:20:29.639 It can still be an addiction. 0:20:29.720 --> 0:20:30.880 Yeah, that's what I was going to say. They could 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:33.679 be doing really great and they're still addicted to it. 0:20:34.680 --> 0:20:37.879 So what I would encourage you to do is not 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:41.080 so much focus on are my parents' gambling addicts? Because 0:20:41.080 --> 0:20:43.600 that is going You're not going to really be able 0:20:43.600 --> 0:20:46.560 to figure that out. And I don't know if that's 0:20:46.600 --> 0:20:48.840 the most important thing in this moment. It's that you 0:20:48.920 --> 0:20:52.120 have a lot of feelings about what their hobby feels like. 0:20:52.080 --> 0:20:54.040 It's taking from you and your family. 0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:57.639 And so could you have a conversation with them about 0:20:57.680 --> 0:20:59.080 literally what you said in this email. 0:20:59.119 --> 0:21:01.000 I think it was really well written. 0:21:01.480 --> 0:21:03.760