1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: Hi, this is Annie, and you're listening to stuff I've 2 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:24,680 Speaker 1: never told you and in AWE continuing mini series with 3 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:28,760 Speaker 1: Samantha I don't know. Samantha. Thanks for joining us. Once again, 4 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,960 Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about the fallout of trauma 5 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,960 Speaker 1: because this whole series is examining all kinds of aspects 6 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 1: of trauma, UM of sexual assault and the cost of it. 7 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 1: And after this traumatic event happens, you the survivor has 8 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 1: to pick up the pieces because it does cost survivors 9 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,200 Speaker 1: not only in terms of mental, physical, and emotional health, 10 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:58,280 Speaker 1: but like financially too, um and in ways that you 11 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,560 Speaker 1: might not expect, like think about the cost of therapy, 12 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 1: of medication, lost hours or jobs due to anxiety, pank attacks, PTSD, 13 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:11,039 Speaker 1: UM and then yeah, rape kids, court trials. It is 14 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 1: like a bomb has gone off in your life and 15 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: the shrapnel is tearing into your heart and soul and 16 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 1: body and relationships. Right. I mean essentially, if you look 17 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: at it simply, it's a loss of self, almost like 18 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:25,039 Speaker 1: a morning period. I mean it could be compared to 19 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 1: that life like you have lost your sense of safety 20 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,480 Speaker 1: and you have lost a sense of hope, um that 21 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,720 Speaker 1: you should have been, that should have been part of 22 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 1: your human rights. Yeah, yeah, and I think, Um, I 23 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: know I've said it before and I totally stole this 24 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:43,040 Speaker 1: from Harry Potter, but it's true. Um, I feel when 25 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 1: I remember these times in my life, I feel like 26 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 1: I'm remembering a younger sister who died like that was 27 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 1: from the Seven Harry Potter book. But I feel like 28 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,720 Speaker 1: it's very fitting. It is. It's but you become a 29 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:57,400 Speaker 1: whole new person. So your sense of innocence has been lost, 30 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 1: and that is a death in your life, and you 31 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,520 Speaker 1: do agree it. So trigger warnings before we get into it. 32 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 1: Sexual assault, UM, suicidal ideation, self harming behaviors, eating disorders, abuse. 33 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:14,000 Speaker 1: I have just spent a couple of hours, UM, reading 34 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:18,519 Speaker 1: about the responsible reporting on these kinds of things and 35 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,920 Speaker 1: how uh contagious hearing about this can be if it 36 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:27,040 Speaker 1: is a triggering factor for you, So please please please 37 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: think about yourself in your mental health before listening. Yes, um, 38 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: so all right, let's talk about some of the aftermath 39 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: of trauma, the the bad coping mechanisms that survivors might 40 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 1: employ to deal UM. And one of the number one 41 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:53,080 Speaker 1: things is substance abuse, alcohol and drug abuse. According to 42 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:57,079 Speaker 1: some studies, people who have experienced sexual assault are thirteen 43 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,959 Speaker 1: times more likely to abuse alcohol and twenty six more 44 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 1: times more likely to abuse drugs. And that's to self medicate, 45 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,240 Speaker 1: to forget to cope, or a manifestation of self destructive behavior. 46 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: I've mentioned in past episodes that for the past two 47 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,720 Speaker 1: years I have been what I call destructive Annie, very 48 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:19,280 Speaker 1: much not taking care of myself. But one interesting thing 49 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:23,800 Speaker 1: about these numbers is it's from a study from and 50 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 1: more recent studies with more nuanced definitions found that alcohol 51 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,680 Speaker 1: abuse is three times more likely than drug abuse. And 52 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 1: it's really fascinating because the difference in numbers had to 53 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 1: do with that whole real rape thing that we've talked about. 54 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: So when you define it in that narrow way, it 55 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: created a much smaller pool that were that pool was 56 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:49,559 Speaker 1: more likely to abuse drugs. So always read the study specifications, 57 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 1: and of course you're getting new, more correctly or at 58 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: least more diverse numbers of people to do these studies with. 59 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 1: And of course we're also changing and defining who is 60 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 1: relevant and who isn't. Yes, yes, a lot of studies 61 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:08,600 Speaker 1: look at increased risk of sexual assault actually happening due 62 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 1: to alcohol and drug abuse. But what we're talking about 63 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: here is the increase of alcohol and drug abuse after 64 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 1: a sexual assault. However, the two are hard to separate, 65 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,560 Speaker 1: and there's a lot of overlap, particularly between people who 66 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 1: were already habitual users prior to their assault, but which 67 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,320 Speaker 1: is often what's used against them, Like they have a 68 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,280 Speaker 1: history of something, so they no longer attribute that as 69 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 1: part of the reason after the fact. Rights, Um, what 70 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:39,440 Speaker 1: is that called alcohol assisted? Right? Yeah, it's hard to 71 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,920 Speaker 1: separate a lot of these things out which, honestly, if 72 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 1: you look back, I feel that we can look into 73 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 1: more studies about the people who are already abusing alcohol. 74 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,919 Speaker 1: Having a new sexual assault is actually a perception of 75 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:56,480 Speaker 1: possibly further previous abuse that has happened that's not acknowledged. Yeah, yeah, 76 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:02,800 Speaker 1: absolutely So while your body may freeze, your emotions don't. 77 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 1: And survivors need an outlet. And I can totally include 78 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 1: myself in here. Alcohol and drug abuse is a way 79 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 1: to kind of mute emotions or sometimes force them out. 80 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 1: Some survivors use it as an attempt to reassert control 81 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 1: and regulate the emotions. If you feel a negative emotion 82 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:25,280 Speaker 1: coming on, you attempt to treat it with drugs. Or 83 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,560 Speaker 1: alcohol and get that disassociative state. And I think even 84 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:33,359 Speaker 1: people who aren't survivors can relate to that or at 85 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: least have seen it in TV like it's almost kind 86 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: of a joke, like you're sad and lonely, right. I mean, 87 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:43,800 Speaker 1: if you even look at the uptake of opiates and 88 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: the reason that it's happening is not necessarily all of 89 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: them are trauma victims necessarily, but maybe unhappy teenagers who 90 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 1: have overdosed, and you look at the knees and the 91 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 1: cost of what can make them feel better, quote unquote. 92 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: And for me, a lot of my population that I'll 93 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: work with in the world of social work, they would 94 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:09,040 Speaker 1: rather have something that they can control rather than something 95 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: that is safely prescribed. And that's also one of the 96 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:17,359 Speaker 1: big like, oh my goodness, meganisms that's not being regulated. Yeah, 97 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: and I think a threat in all of the stuff 98 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,320 Speaker 1: that we're talking about, one of the most important things 99 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: is that feeling of control because it's been taken from you, 100 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:30,159 Speaker 1: so you're trying to cope and feel in control again, 101 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,479 Speaker 1: possibly in these very unhealthy ways. One study found that 102 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 1: of sexual assault survivors get drunk for the first time 103 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 1: after the assault and try cocaine for the first time. 104 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 1: That is really specific. I know, kind of surprising to 105 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,480 Speaker 1: me personally, but I guess if you consider, unfortunately, how 106 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 1: young usually the first sexual assault happens. Um, I guess 107 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 1: it fits into that. And now I have definitely started 108 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 1: it self medicating more, mostly with alcohol since Donald Trump 109 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,679 Speaker 1: got elected. Self destructive Annie that's when she was born. Um, 110 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: all my trauma bubbled up to the surface. Um. It 111 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 1: kind of shocked me because I thought I had it 112 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: kind of in control, but then this happened, and um, yeah, 113 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: it just I've lost control. But I was trying to 114 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: convince myself that I had it. Um. And alcohol is 115 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 1: so much easier than getting treatment or getting medication. It's 116 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,560 Speaker 1: an easy way to self medicate to try head off 117 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 1: these negative emotions. Some survivors use drugs or alcohol as 118 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 1: a way to become more sexual or to be able 119 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,800 Speaker 1: to have sex, Like if they're so tense, these are 120 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,720 Speaker 1: I mean, this is not uncommon for any person in general, 121 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,760 Speaker 1: because you don't want to admit there's something wrong, and 122 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 1: drinking is a social thing, so therefore, why not this 123 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,960 Speaker 1: is acceptable? This is legal essentially, and so therefore this 124 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,480 Speaker 1: is a much better way of trying to forget and 125 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 1: or liquid courage as they would call it, as you're 126 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,200 Speaker 1: talking about with trying to become sexual and hoping to 127 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,480 Speaker 1: continue as of life is normal. Right. And that's something 128 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 1: that a couple of listeners wrote in about because we 129 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: recently did an episode on consents and you cannot consent 130 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: if you're drunk, and a lot of listeners wrote in 131 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 1: and we're like, well but what about this, and I 132 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 1: it is it's just difficult to navigate. So the fact 133 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 1: that people are purposefully drinking right in order to have 134 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 1: sex is something that we should red flag. Yeah, well, 135 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: if you only can have sex when your inhibitions are down, 136 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:48,520 Speaker 1: there's some kind of issue, problematic moments that is going 137 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 1: to block your ability to have an intimate relationship rights exactly. 138 00:08:54,280 --> 00:09:01,199 Speaker 1: Another piece of fallout is risky sexual behavior. Sexual violence 139 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,560 Speaker 1: has been linked to high risk sexual behavior like unprotected sex, 140 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: increased risk of sexually transmitted infections. I think I've already 141 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,600 Speaker 1: said I went to the total opposite way or am 142 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 1: a sexual jury so out? Um, But in either case, 143 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 1: that is something else that people who experience sexual assaws 144 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 1: often do that that they avoid sexual contact altogether. I 145 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: always think of Rita from Dexter. I don't know if 146 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:27,080 Speaker 1: you ever saw that, Yes, I did, actually, yeah, which 147 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 1: it worked out for him because he didn't want to 148 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,040 Speaker 1: have sex. She had been in this abusive relationship and 149 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,680 Speaker 1: she didn't want to have sex, right, but then she 150 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 1: got past it and you know, and all of those things. Well, actually, 151 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 1: and we can also end that spectrum of risky sexual behavior. 152 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: We can correlate this with prostitution and domestic minor trafficking 153 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,520 Speaker 1: and human trafficking m. According to one study SEV, the 154 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 1: prostitute of victims attribute to being sexually abused as children, 155 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,559 Speaker 1: influencing their reason that they became prostitute or started prostituting. 156 00:09:55,240 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 1: And with that, um of those prostitutes never disclose their 157 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 1: sexual abuse. And then on top of that, it shows 158 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 1: that at least exploited children have been sexually abused, which 159 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,480 Speaker 1: is kind of one of the reasons that we talked 160 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: about early sexualization as problematic UM, because this is how 161 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 1: they are conditioned um to become more sexual and or 162 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 1: be open to being sexually abused without realizing it is 163 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,439 Speaker 1: as an abuse. And I think that's one of the 164 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: things that we would talk about obviously, if you look 165 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: back and many of the kids who run away from 166 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:36,480 Speaker 1: home and then end up in this lifestyle, or even 167 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 1: um women in general, this is a monetary gain and 168 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 1: this is what they learned. Their value is because that's 169 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:48,240 Speaker 1: what they were taught. Yeah. Yeah. In seventeen, the Swedish 170 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,000 Speaker 1: media professionals and the Swedish Court of Appeals has um 171 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,319 Speaker 1: They have started talking about sex as self injury or 172 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 1: s A s I, particularly among adolescent survivors of assault 173 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,760 Speaker 1: are both. The definition from the Children's Welfare of Sweden 174 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 1: is when a person has a pattern of seeking sexual 175 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 1: situations involving mental or physical harm to themselves. The behavior 176 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,480 Speaker 1: causes significant distress or impyramid and school work or other 177 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:18,880 Speaker 1: important areas, or, in the words of Stockholm, tell your 178 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:23,120 Speaker 1: quote to have repetitive and recurrent intense feelings such as shame, 179 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 1: guild anxiety, disgust, and self hatred that are confirmed and 180 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:31,200 Speaker 1: or temporarily alleviated by repetitive and recurrent exposure to sexual 181 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:35,440 Speaker 1: and physical abuse, humiliation, and violation. This, as well as 182 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:40,400 Speaker 1: alcoholism or drug abuse, is categorized as indirect self harming behavior, 183 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,400 Speaker 1: but it does have a pretty direct link to other 184 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:47,079 Speaker 1: self harming behaviors, which we will get into after a 185 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: quick break for a word from you're sponsor, M and 186 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:03,760 Speaker 1: we're back, Thank you sponsor. Okay, so let's start with 187 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:08,040 Speaker 1: self harm, which is frequently cutting but sometimes burning skin 188 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 1: with like cigarettes. Um. This is another way of coping 189 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 1: bad coping a survivor might turn to. And again this 190 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: is it relates back to control. It's about feeling and control. 191 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 1: It's a behavior that is meant to self injure but 192 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,680 Speaker 1: not kill. Yeah. I don't know if I actually told 193 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,000 Speaker 1: you this, but one of my ways of coping when 194 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: I get really stressed and anxious is actually scratching my 195 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:36,360 Speaker 1: head until I bleed and or actually um, holding my 196 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: fists in order using my nails to cut into myself, 197 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 1: which is oftentimes I don't even realize I'm doing it 198 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,679 Speaker 1: until after the fact. But that is a form of 199 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:50,319 Speaker 1: self harming as well. So it's important because to make 200 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:55,280 Speaker 1: that distinction between meaning to self injure and not meaning 201 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,520 Speaker 1: to kill. Because a lot of folks who display self 202 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:03,959 Speaker 1: harming behavior, uh do not display suicidal behavior. Um. But 203 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 1: people who do display self harming behavior are more likely 204 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:10,800 Speaker 1: to contemplate suicide. Some people actually use self harm as 205 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,920 Speaker 1: a way to release but not act on suicidal urges. 206 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:18,360 Speaker 1: Um Again, this form of self medication. Just like alcohol 207 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,839 Speaker 1: or drugs, the pain becomes too much and you need 208 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: a release or distraction. The reasons cited for most of 209 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 1: this behavior is overwhelming negative emotions are stressed. Some statistics 210 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,319 Speaker 1: show that sixty scent of people who self harm feel 211 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,440 Speaker 1: no pain when they do self harm, and people who 212 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,520 Speaker 1: have experienced some form of abuse are at a much 213 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 1: higher risk of developing self harming behavior. And just like 214 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 1: I said, I don't even notice half the time is 215 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,719 Speaker 1: after the fact that I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm 216 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,040 Speaker 1: doing this. Yeah, and it is. It's kind of one 217 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,160 Speaker 1: of those things that it's just an automatic reaction to 218 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,440 Speaker 1: stress because that's what I've learned as I'm not going 219 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 1: to be volatile and loud and you know, throw a foot, 220 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:04,719 Speaker 1: I'm just going internalize and breathe. But in my subconscious 221 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:08,040 Speaker 1: is I'm losing myself. So what do I do to 222 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 1: find myself again? Right? And on top of the the 223 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 1: control aspect, a lot of these things that we're talking 224 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,640 Speaker 1: about are addictive in nature, and self harming that release 225 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 1: that comes with it is also addictive. One and every 226 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 1: one people is thought to engage in self harming behavior. 227 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: Statistics show that teenagers, specifically female teenagers, are the most 228 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 1: likely to self harm, and I did throughout high school 229 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 1: and college. Estimates show that somewhere between sixty seven and 230 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,120 Speaker 1: eight to people who self harm are women. Whether this 231 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 1: is because women are more likely to experience abuse, are 232 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 1: are taught to turn these negative motions inward, or both, 233 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 1: experts aren't sure of rape victims have visible scars from 234 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:57,000 Speaker 1: self harming, and it probably is more. There's a really 235 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,040 Speaker 1: incorrect narrative that I believe has been addressed on the 236 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: show I Know, we did a video about it, um 237 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 1: that this is something teenage girls do for attention, But 238 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: numerous studies have turned that narrative on its head, which 239 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,640 Speaker 1: is I'm really glad it has because it is a 240 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: constant thing where everything is said as attention. A girl 241 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 1: is being slutty, she's trying to seek attention, a girl 242 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 1: is being right. Dramatic self harming is frequently compared to 243 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,720 Speaker 1: or described as an addiction or an irresistible urge, which 244 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,560 Speaker 1: is kind of what you were describing, and these different 245 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,920 Speaker 1: self harming and aiding disorders oftentimes have, as you already said, 246 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:38,040 Speaker 1: a control factor, having control on self, specifically part of 247 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,280 Speaker 1: one's life when everything feels uncertain or being taken out 248 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,280 Speaker 1: of your hands. But you know, as stated above, it 249 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 1: is also an uncontrollable urgent addiction has just been recently 250 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 1: added to the d s M five in its own 251 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: diagnosis and no longer as a symptom of another diagnosis, 252 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 1: which is non suicidal self injury. That's how it's titled. 253 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 1: Another thing we need to talk about is eating disorders. 254 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 1: Multiple studies have shown a link between abuse and eating disorders. 255 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,280 Speaker 1: One found fifty of people suffering from bulimia and anorexia 256 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 1: had a history of sexual abuse compared to the participants 257 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: that did not suffer from those two eating disorders. Important 258 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 1: to note the distinction between correlation and causality, but worth 259 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,400 Speaker 1: mentioning it can be used similarly to these other bad 260 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 1: coping mechanisms we've been talking about again, a form of control, 261 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,760 Speaker 1: something that numbs you, disassociate to you. I read an 262 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 1: article that described in eating disorder as the person assuming 263 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 1: the role of both the victim and the abuser, and 264 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: I know that I developed my first eating disorder in 265 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:46,440 Speaker 1: middle school, like directly related to my abuse. UM. I 266 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 1: definitely used it as a way to feel in control, 267 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,800 Speaker 1: to feel numb. Also, I was like so anxious and 268 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,120 Speaker 1: full of hatred for my own body, which I blamed 269 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,200 Speaker 1: for the whole situation. UM that food had no taste. 270 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,760 Speaker 1: Is nauseated all the time, and there's there's like an 271 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: element of cleansing involved as well. Right, And then I've 272 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,560 Speaker 1: I've called it before on this show. Exercising has become 273 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,360 Speaker 1: what I call my coping mechanism gone wrong. And actually 274 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:19,920 Speaker 1: through the therapy UM that Samantha and I have been hearing, 275 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: my therapist said that it is another form of self 276 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 1: harm I am engaging in. I mean, originally you hear 277 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:30,240 Speaker 1: that as a positive like exercise so I can release 278 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:34,040 Speaker 1: my stress. But it's absolutely true that you are wearing 279 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,960 Speaker 1: down your body when you do too much rights and 280 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 1: if it's like painful and you still engage in it. 281 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:45,719 Speaker 1: And this brings us to suicide UM, which again we're 282 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:49,720 Speaker 1: gonna have resources at the end, very careful when we 283 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:55,720 Speaker 1: discuss this. UM. It is a complex public health issue 284 00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 1: of suicides involved mental health and or substance abuse. So 285 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:05,359 Speaker 1: no one event is the cause it's amalgamation of things. Yeah, 286 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:09,720 Speaker 1: but please, please, please please please restating the trigger warning. Um, 287 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 1: there are things, there are people, there are programs that 288 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,439 Speaker 1: are out there to help you, right, and and just 289 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,840 Speaker 1: to reiterate, we're talking about those statistics. We're talking about 290 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,680 Speaker 1: this because it needs to be noted for those who 291 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,879 Speaker 1: don't understand what trauma is and for those who are 292 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,199 Speaker 1: suffering and or contemplating these ideas. We want you to 293 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: know that there are others who feel this way and 294 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,800 Speaker 1: who can and have gotten out of it. And myself 295 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,000 Speaker 1: and I know Anny you've talked about it, we are 296 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:42,840 Speaker 1: two of those people. Yes, Um, absolutely. From the CDC quote, 297 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,639 Speaker 1: suicide is the third leading cause of death among fifteen 298 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,399 Speaker 1: to twenty four year olds. That's of deaths, and the 299 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,160 Speaker 1: second leading cause of death among twenty to thirty five 300 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 1: year olds compared to the tenth leading cause overall. It's 301 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: the second leading cause of death of American college students. 302 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,760 Speaker 1: Up to fifteen of one thousand females studied reported saying 303 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: they made suicidal attempts after suffering from some sort of 304 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: sexual harassment. Thirty three percent of women who are raped 305 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 1: consider suicide and attempted and studies are ongoing into the 306 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 1: statistics around the l g b t q I community 307 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 1: and on male survivors. Survivors whose sexual assault took place 308 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,720 Speaker 1: sixteen or younger are three to four times more likely 309 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,360 Speaker 1: to take their own lives. Overall, survivors are ten times 310 00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:32,040 Speaker 1: more likely to kill themselves. And I know we just 311 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,200 Speaker 1: I just recently talked about the case with the high 312 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:38,720 Speaker 1: school teacher in which this youth UM ended up taking 313 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:43,159 Speaker 1: our own life. And there are so many things obviously 314 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,439 Speaker 1: that was taken advantage of of this young lady. And 315 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,320 Speaker 1: we need to talk about the fact that when we 316 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,879 Speaker 1: talked about grooming a lot of time predators can note 317 00:19:54,359 --> 00:20:02,159 Speaker 1: the week oddly enough, UM. And there's also youth in 318 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: UM vulnerable identity groups including lgbt q I UM worse 319 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: with family rejection, Native American youth, Latina adolescent girls, foster 320 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,200 Speaker 1: care youth, and alumni homeless youth, and social media can 321 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:18,919 Speaker 1: really exacerbate this UM. A quote I read from an article, 322 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: it can really seem like the whole world knows. And 323 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:26,440 Speaker 1: that's to do with a lot of the revenge revenge 324 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:30,880 Speaker 1: porn is it called, which many states have actually recognized 325 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:35,399 Speaker 1: this as a crime which is finally I mean, I 326 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:40,200 Speaker 1: will say one of the things about UM laws and regulations, 327 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: they are having a hard time keeping up with social 328 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 1: media and internet and all of that because they are 329 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: exceedingly faster than being able to pass a law or 330 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: a bill. Um, it is unfortunate that people are the worst. 331 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 1: That is unfortunate. It is very unfortunate. We wouldn't be 332 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:06,919 Speaker 1: having this series at all if people would just be better. UM. 333 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,640 Speaker 1: So for myself, UM, I did try to kill myself 334 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:15,000 Speaker 1: when I was fifteen, and someone found me, and if 335 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 1: they hadn't, I don't think I would be here. It 336 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:20,080 Speaker 1: was a combination of all of this fallout, ongoing building up. 337 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,399 Speaker 1: I took the steps to get help. I told people 338 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,280 Speaker 1: I have the numbers saved in my phone, the hotline, 339 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,320 Speaker 1: so that I remember feeling this way. I have a 340 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:29,879 Speaker 1: group of people I can reach out to. You you 341 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,400 Speaker 1: know what to do because we've discussed it. So, yes, 342 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,880 Speaker 1: there is hope. Recovery is totally possible. It's always ongoing. 343 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,240 Speaker 1: But there are resources out there for you, right and 344 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 1: I think, um, as you and I have talked previously before, 345 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:47,600 Speaker 1: and as I mentioned above before, rather that we we 346 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,520 Speaker 1: have gone through these and we have gone through some 347 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,879 Speaker 1: of the worst of it, UM, but also some of 348 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,680 Speaker 1: the more supportive of it as well. And I think 349 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,159 Speaker 1: what is what we need to talk about more is 350 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 1: the fact that there is help after the fact, there 351 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:09,359 Speaker 1: is survival after the fact. Um. I know, like you 352 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:13,960 Speaker 1: were talking about your fourteen Alice twelve, and I got 353 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,320 Speaker 1: help from my friends, not so much from my family. 354 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:21,320 Speaker 1: And that oftentimes happened because I would say I wasn't 355 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,679 Speaker 1: in a very religious family and the idea was Jesus 356 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,840 Speaker 1: will save you. But if you want to go down 357 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,800 Speaker 1: the religious faith throughout, it's also they've also provided help 358 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,600 Speaker 1: in this day and age, and it could be as 359 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,159 Speaker 1: easy as you have a friend, or it can be 360 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:42,359 Speaker 1: as hard as you have to do therapy. Yeah. So 361 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,440 Speaker 1: another part of this fallout that we should talk about 362 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,280 Speaker 1: is um setting examples for the younger people in our 363 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,160 Speaker 1: lives and normalizing. And one of the most disturbing things 364 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,720 Speaker 1: about my own experience in hindsight is how I reacted 365 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,920 Speaker 1: to being date raped in my freshman year of college. 366 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,959 Speaker 1: I wanted to do it was but add this overall 367 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,639 Speaker 1: sense that this happens, I rolled the dice and lost. 368 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: It's a risk I accepted it by going to a 369 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,000 Speaker 1: party and drinking. It's just something that happens, unfortunately, and 370 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 1: I had drawn short show, right, And that's that's why 371 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,120 Speaker 1: we talked about the fact of many people haven't reached 372 00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:17,119 Speaker 1: out to the show about Emma, have I been raped 373 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:23,000 Speaker 1: because they they are in such self hate that it's 374 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,800 Speaker 1: easier to blame yourself than to acknowledge something happened. And 375 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,720 Speaker 1: then when you actually look back on, oh, this is 376 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,960 Speaker 1: not my fault, it becomes a whole new world. But 377 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:36,520 Speaker 1: because we are so inundated by culture and quote unquote 378 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:42,879 Speaker 1: patriarchy that we had somehow done something to lead to 379 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:47,720 Speaker 1: this moment instead of acknowledging, Oh, you, as the partner 380 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:52,160 Speaker 1: who or the predator, or the the person who came 381 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: after me, you should take responsibility. Why am I taking 382 00:23:55,960 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 1: it onto myself? Another cost is survivor is guilt and 383 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,119 Speaker 1: wondering about other people that might have been hurt because 384 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 1: of your silence. And again people who come forward often 385 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 1: experience that as well. Victims often talk about how if 386 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,480 Speaker 1: they had come forward, they may have prevented later crimes, 387 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,920 Speaker 1: taking on the responsibility of the perpetrator. And I think 388 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,600 Speaker 1: we see that with some of the latest cases where 389 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 1: everybody's accusing them of why are you coming out now, 390 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,760 Speaker 1: you know, and it's just essentially it's I'm trying to 391 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,359 Speaker 1: protect the people. And I think I even had a 392 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,800 Speaker 1: certain case that happened in my small Hope town and 393 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,640 Speaker 1: I got someone someone reached out to me. I think 394 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 1: I talked about this previously and was like, Hey, this 395 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,160 Speaker 1: dude is continuing and we want to try to stop him. 396 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:43,679 Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh gosh, I have this responsibility, but 397 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:47,560 Speaker 1: as the legal lot legal part of proportion of what 398 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,399 Speaker 1: I know, I'm like, but I'm going to harm your case. 399 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 1: And I feel so guilty still because I want to 400 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:57,879 Speaker 1: protect the women and children, but I don't know the 401 00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:01,440 Speaker 1: responsibility is how do I do this without harming your 402 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:07,840 Speaker 1: case and honestly owing owning their own survival by paying 403 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:12,159 Speaker 1: back to society. That's kind of one of my driven 404 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,480 Speaker 1: reasons to be a social worker, and I've been one 405 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 1: for years and years and years and years. It's because 406 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,679 Speaker 1: I feel like I have been given a moment of 407 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,320 Speaker 1: being able to say I'm okay, and even though I 408 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 1: feel damaged at times, I'm still better than most. And 409 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:33,119 Speaker 1: I feel guilty when I can't give back and or 410 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 1: I can't advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. 411 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,720 Speaker 1: And if I fail, and I'm going to tell you, 412 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,919 Speaker 1: in the world of social work, I feel like I 413 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 1: failed more than I've helped. And I know I know 414 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 1: the whole bit, but in my own personal life, it's 415 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:51,680 Speaker 1: kind of like, what have I done? Have I really helped? 416 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,560 Speaker 1: Or am I just putting a small band aid on 417 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:59,199 Speaker 1: a gashing wound. Another piece of the fallout here is 418 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,600 Speaker 1: loss of person relationships, also trust, feeling dirty or that 419 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:06,720 Speaker 1: you did something wrong. UM. Thirty percent of survivors experience 420 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,439 Speaker 1: problems at school or work following sexual trauma, and thirty 421 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,159 Speaker 1: seven report experienced problems with friends or family. And I 422 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,520 Speaker 1: think we need to talk about the fact that about 423 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:19,280 Speaker 1: the whole feeling dirty, UM, because I think we all 424 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,600 Speaker 1: know what that experience feels like. It ruins sexual experiences 425 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:28,080 Speaker 1: sometimes for some UM, and it's ruins intimacy in general, 426 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:32,560 Speaker 1: whether it's just a relationship. And for me, UM, this 427 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 1: is as you were talking about therapy, one of the 428 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,199 Speaker 1: things that I have talked about with my therapist, with 429 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:41,880 Speaker 1: our therapist rather she's amazing, UM, is that the mere 430 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 1: fact that I can't last long in a relationship because 431 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 1: to me, it's all use them and leave them and 432 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: or you're gonna leave anyway. Um. And that's absolutely the 433 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,640 Speaker 1: feeling of I'm not worth it. I'm worth this value, 434 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,680 Speaker 1: and that value is sexually and then you move on. 435 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 1: So I know, like, even though I am all about 436 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 1: you know, having your own experience, being um strong in 437 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:11,520 Speaker 1: your own voice for sexuality, whatever, it's also part of 438 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 1: that is I don't trust that it can be loving, 439 00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:18,160 Speaker 1: you know. And I think that's what like, I feel 440 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,800 Speaker 1: dirty at times. People feel dirty at times. There's moments 441 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:27,160 Speaker 1: that you can't associate outside of that moment and whether 442 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,399 Speaker 1: you're going to be triggered at any moment for some 443 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,800 Speaker 1: awful reason, you know. And I think we also have 444 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,160 Speaker 1: to talk about the fact that this oftentimes affects relationships, 445 00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:43,479 Speaker 1: whether it's your husband, your you know, or your partner 446 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 1: or any of those reasons, that there is a moment 447 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 1: of how does the partner react and what is he 448 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,800 Speaker 1: supposed to do or what is she supposed to do. 449 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 1: So we do have a little bit more in this episode, 450 00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 1: but first we have one more quick break for work 451 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:12,120 Speaker 1: from response to m HM, and we're back, Thank you sponsor. 452 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:18,159 Speaker 1: So to conclude this episode, UM, when I think about 453 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:22,840 Speaker 1: why I didn't publicly come forward and like until recently, 454 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,359 Speaker 1: not even with people that have known me forever, UM, 455 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,199 Speaker 1: because I didn't think I was worth it, um, or 456 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:31,280 Speaker 1: that it was worth it. I didn't think i'd be believed. 457 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 1: I didn't want to stress anyone out. I wanted people 458 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,359 Speaker 1: to be happy and pretend that it never happened. And 459 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,479 Speaker 1: the thought of voicing that shame and disgust that I 460 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,320 Speaker 1: felt and giving it a name was terrifying in a 461 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:46,440 Speaker 1: weird way. It didn't even occur to me to do that. 462 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,680 Speaker 1: I was afraid of judgment, some sort of retaliation, and 463 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:54,000 Speaker 1: it it cost me to not come forward. All of 464 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:57,640 Speaker 1: these bad cooking things UM, eating disorders like of sleep, 465 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:01,640 Speaker 1: suicidal ideation, constant guilt, wondering if other people suffered because 466 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,960 Speaker 1: of my silence. I did lose relationships going back to running, 467 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:10,160 Speaker 1: I wrecked my knees. I I fought really hard, and 468 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:13,959 Speaker 1: I was determined to be happy. And it's so strange 469 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:18,440 Speaker 1: to say this, but some good did come out of it. Um. 470 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 1: It's a very uneasy thing for me to admit, because 471 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,640 Speaker 1: it's this horrendous event. Um, all these events that should 472 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,920 Speaker 1: never have happened. But I was able to take some 473 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 1: of it and turn it into writing into art and 474 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,960 Speaker 1: two things that helped me sort through what I was feeling. 475 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,680 Speaker 1: Things that made me feel empowered, and I found my 476 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,360 Speaker 1: support group. And it's through all of this and working 477 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:40,240 Speaker 1: on the show and through meeting people like you, Samantha, 478 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:42,480 Speaker 1: that I have been able to start to be more 479 00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:45,120 Speaker 1: open about my experience. Um. There was a time where 480 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 1: I could not even voice any of this. I would 481 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:51,240 Speaker 1: dissolve into a mess of tears and even screaming sometimes. 482 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: And it's just taken a lot of time and having 483 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,040 Speaker 1: supportive people in my life, UM, that I've been able 484 00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:59,600 Speaker 1: to take this step. Um, And I'm glad I could 485 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:01,720 Speaker 1: be a so work for you. I'm not gonna lie. 486 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,960 Speaker 1: I'm thinking like, have I pushed you so too far? Sometimes? 487 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:10,400 Speaker 1: And I think it is a part of the culture 488 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:15,200 Speaker 1: that silence is better than speaking. And I think this 489 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:18,640 Speaker 1: whole idea of we all suffer through things, just deal 490 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,640 Speaker 1: with it, um, And it needs to be out the 491 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:25,240 Speaker 1: door because we need to understand what we're going through 492 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,520 Speaker 1: or what we have gone through, or the things that 493 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:32,480 Speaker 1: trigger us affect our daily life, UM affect our relationships, 494 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:36,800 Speaker 1: affect our own self esteem. And I think for me, 495 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:39,800 Speaker 1: I mean, going through all of this, I've I've tried 496 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:43,720 Speaker 1: to use my experiences as a motivation to do better, 497 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 1: to be better, to care more. Two the detriment of myself, 498 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 1: of me having anxiety attacks, social aviation, not taking care 499 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 1: of myself because I would rather focus on others than 500 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,960 Speaker 1: my own problems. And I you and I talked to 501 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:04,480 Speaker 1: by the fact that we UM are doing therapy again, UM, 502 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:07,320 Speaker 1: And I kind of forgot because I was like, oh, yeah, Andy, 503 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 1: I gonna take therapy, and he's gonna do therapy. She's 504 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:12,360 Speaker 1: gonna be great. And then it's like, oh no, I 505 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:15,560 Speaker 1: have to talk about my issues too. And I've been 506 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:22,160 Speaker 1: able to let go of it somewhat without actually going 507 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: through it and going through the pains of growing from 508 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:28,400 Speaker 1: it or coping with it. And I think that's a 509 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:32,120 Speaker 1: lot of people, UM who also want to deny because 510 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:35,360 Speaker 1: it was so long ago, you know, and you're like, 511 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:37,640 Speaker 1: I should be over this by now, But that's not true. 512 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:40,400 Speaker 1: That's not a true statement at all. You don't have 513 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: to you can work through it now, and you should. Yeah, 514 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,120 Speaker 1: and that's one of the reasons we include the self 515 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:47,600 Speaker 1: care things at the end, because we just want to 516 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,600 Speaker 1: be like, all right, right, what we're doing in the 517 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:55,200 Speaker 1: difficulty of this UM. So some resources we talked about 518 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:56,640 Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of stuff in this one. 519 00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,560 Speaker 1: So there's the National Sexual Assault Hotline and one eight 520 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:06,080 Speaker 1: hundred six five six four six seven three for substance abuse. 521 00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:08,880 Speaker 1: Sexual abuse survivors are more likely to relapse after attending 522 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:12,160 Speaker 1: programs like rehab or getting sober some other way. And 523 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:14,360 Speaker 1: this is not to discourage anyone, just an acknowledgement that 524 00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:17,240 Speaker 1: going to rehab without treating the traumas like treating a 525 00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:20,719 Speaker 1: symptom but not the underlying cause. So there's a lot 526 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:24,160 Speaker 1: of overlap for suicidal ideation. If someone you care about 527 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:28,440 Speaker 1: outrights as they're going to kill themselves, call n one 528 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:32,320 Speaker 1: or a website resource. You can go to Suicide Prevention 529 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:37,240 Speaker 1: Lifeline dot org. UM. The number the hotline is in 530 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:40,840 Speaker 1: English one eight hundred to seven three, eight to five 531 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:44,960 Speaker 1: five and in Spanish one eight six to eight nine 532 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,560 Speaker 1: four five four. And I just want to interject here, 533 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:51,640 Speaker 1: many of the states have their own crisis behavioral crisis line. UM. 534 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,160 Speaker 1: I know I work with one specifically in Georgia, and 535 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: they will come out to you or where you're at 536 00:32:56,720 --> 00:33:00,600 Speaker 1: or where the person who is suffering and or going 537 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:02,600 Speaker 1: through that moment, and it will come to you and 538 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:06,080 Speaker 1: and help you and to necessarily diagnose you, but at 539 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,680 Speaker 1: least walk you through what it looks like. And it 540 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:12,800 Speaker 1: is very very important that this is available to many 541 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:16,239 Speaker 1: of the stays, and it's free. That's the answers. I know, 542 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:19,520 Speaker 1: like costs is part of the reason people don't do therapy, 543 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:23,520 Speaker 1: but these different there are some things out there that 544 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:28,320 Speaker 1: are free and it's available and and any you and 545 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:30,440 Speaker 1: I talked about the fact that I want we want 546 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,040 Speaker 1: to be able to say if you can't find it, 547 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,120 Speaker 1: contact us, and I know you're gonna give all the 548 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: information at the end because I don't remember. I'm just 549 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,400 Speaker 1: a guess, um, but that we can try to help 550 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,080 Speaker 1: you at least research with you what it could be 551 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:51,520 Speaker 1: available absolutely. Um. And some tips for for talking to 552 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:54,480 Speaker 1: survivors um. There are a lot, but here are some 553 00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:58,560 Speaker 1: some basic ones. If you know you're going into this conversation, 554 00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:02,160 Speaker 1: it's good to get educated and know some resources. If 555 00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:04,400 Speaker 1: you don't know what you're getting into, If you don't 556 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,800 Speaker 1: know you're getting into this conversation, look some stuff up afterwards, 557 00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:11,480 Speaker 1: check in on that person regularly. We are doing that 558 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:15,120 Speaker 1: as we record these episodes. I believe the person. Don't 559 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 1: question the details, don't force them to talk about anything 560 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:19,920 Speaker 1: they don't want to. It's about giving them control of 561 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,760 Speaker 1: their story. And um, so this was all about bad coping, 562 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:25,760 Speaker 1: and future episodes we're going to be looking at healthy 563 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:29,880 Speaker 1: coping mechanisms and becoming a survivor right and wanting to 564 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,439 Speaker 1: give examples of some of the things that have been 565 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:37,279 Speaker 1: positive through all of these negative conversations that we've had. 566 00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:43,040 Speaker 1: And I think also just to reiterate just caring and 567 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,759 Speaker 1: being there can be enough for me. I've talked about 568 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:49,840 Speaker 1: this before. I have a group of friends that don't 569 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,080 Speaker 1: quite understand what I'm going through, but they sit with me, 570 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:56,239 Speaker 1: and that's all I ask. I don't ask for them 571 00:34:56,239 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: to give me advice, I don't ask for them to 572 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,839 Speaker 1: give me ways or in amation, even just sitting with 573 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,600 Speaker 1: them and knowing you're valued enough that someone takes their 574 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:09,120 Speaker 1: time to come and be with you physically. And I'm 575 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,080 Speaker 1: by the way, I'm not touching feely, like I'm not 576 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:14,200 Speaker 1: a big hugger or anything, but to have them next 577 00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:18,040 Speaker 1: to me on a couch while I cry or while 578 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:21,399 Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out this anxiety attack. That's enough 579 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:25,319 Speaker 1: sometimes and that's all the like, that's all that may 580 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 1: be needed for that moment. Yeah, yeah, I don't want 581 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:31,759 Speaker 1: underestimate the value of that. So for our self care 582 00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:34,919 Speaker 1: self care part of the episode my D and D fact. 583 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:39,120 Speaker 1: Any are you okay? Um? Any are you okay? So? 584 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:44,399 Speaker 1: I just dungeon mastered my first game and you were 585 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,960 Speaker 1: great at it. Thank you. You weren't there, but thanks. 586 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,399 Speaker 1: I but I got the email, I got a text 587 00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,440 Speaker 1: say that you did well. Yes, I was very happy 588 00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:54,440 Speaker 1: how it went. Um So, I was super nervous going in. 589 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,759 Speaker 1: But I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot, 590 00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:01,239 Speaker 1: but the first and I should have known this, Like 591 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:03,440 Speaker 1: I'm playing with the same group I've been playing with forever. 592 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:07,400 Speaker 1: I mean all these magical items and I mean like 593 00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:13,240 Speaker 1: I've just created them, and the first like four were jokes. 594 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:17,920 Speaker 1: Which ones did they buy? The first four? So now 595 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:21,600 Speaker 1: they have a ring of invisibility where the ring turns 596 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:25,240 Speaker 1: invisible when you put it on. Useful, but they don't 597 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:29,560 Speaker 1: know did they realize this, and they bought it. Why 598 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,560 Speaker 1: would they buy it? They think it can do something else? Um, 599 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,200 Speaker 1: well they should have known what I've got low price bag, 600 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:42,360 Speaker 1: shouldn't charge them more. Um. They bought a howling wolf 601 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:45,560 Speaker 1: brooch that when you press it it howls, you know, 602 00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,399 Speaker 1: and that's it. Yeah, that's all. So that's literally something 603 00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:51,279 Speaker 1: we could buy now, Yes, like in real life, I 604 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:55,000 Speaker 1: r L. I sold them a pet rock that gives 605 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,560 Speaker 1: words of encouragement. Okay, I might buy that. Actually, really cute. 606 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:00,440 Speaker 1: I think I would buy that. It's really cute. Its 607 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:05,560 Speaker 1: name is Doggo. I would buy it. And then they 608 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:11,520 Speaker 1: bought a helm of encouragement that is overly uh enthusiastic 609 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:13,840 Speaker 1: to go into battle. Okay, I can't buy that because 610 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:18,000 Speaker 1: I'll fight with that one. So that was fun. I'm 611 00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:19,719 Speaker 1: debating on whether or not I'm going to make one 612 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,480 Speaker 1: of them actually useful. Maybe maybe we'll say, I feel 613 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:27,280 Speaker 1: like you should make the dogo useful. Oh he's great. Yeah, 614 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:32,680 Speaker 1: he keeps giving all kinds of words. So, speaking of which, UM, 615 00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:34,360 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna talk about Peaches so much right now 616 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,920 Speaker 1: because Peaches is getting on my nerves. I still love 617 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:43,400 Speaker 1: how please notice. Um, but I actually played Dominion. So 618 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:52,520 Speaker 1: this is one of the first role playing game RPG. Yeah, 619 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,400 Speaker 1: I'm a liar, but there were card expansions. Yeah, sure, 620 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:00,920 Speaker 1: is that Dominion. I don't know, I've never you've never 621 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:04,640 Speaker 1: played Dominion. I assumed you had played Dominute. Okay, anyway too. 622 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:08,600 Speaker 1: I played Dominion and the dude I played with is 623 00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:14,000 Speaker 1: really into it, and I'm trying to be supportive. I'm like, yeah, sure, 624 00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:15,960 Speaker 1: I'll be interested because a lot of my friends really 625 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:19,520 Speaker 1: like these types of game. But essentially it's like you 626 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:26,080 Speaker 1: buy magic and villages and stop things, and I'll try 627 00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:28,319 Speaker 1: to figure it out. And I will say, the dude 628 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,120 Speaker 1: thought he beat me and I had to show and 629 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:32,680 Speaker 1: I was like, no, we tied, thank you very much. 630 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:35,839 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, And I was like, no, don't act like 631 00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:37,560 Speaker 1: you were better than me. And then he was like, 632 00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:39,680 Speaker 1: oh I gave you no, no, no, no no, no, you 633 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:44,160 Speaker 1: thought you had beaten me. And I'm like, okay, I 634 00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:47,080 Speaker 1: think I could get into these Yeah. I'm not sure 635 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:48,840 Speaker 1: if I can get into D and D because that's 636 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:55,840 Speaker 1: just really intense. I feel like it. Ah, but I 637 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:59,160 Speaker 1: will say, you know what, I do love because I'm 638 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:04,400 Speaker 1: an eighty year old puzzles. Puzzles are fun. I love puzzles. 639 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:09,520 Speaker 1: I think it's so great to not think about anything 640 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,680 Speaker 1: but whether these fit together. And that's what I need. 641 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:16,840 Speaker 1: I needed to just be perfectly laid out with a 642 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:21,360 Speaker 1: beautiful picture. There you go, and that includes Peaches looking 643 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:25,880 Speaker 1: at me like are you feeding me these things? And 644 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:30,520 Speaker 1: I don't. Just so you dog lovers know, I would 645 00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:34,800 Speaker 1: never give our puzzle pieces. That's good to know, Samantha. Okay, 646 00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:40,719 Speaker 1: that was my factor slash coping mechanisms. I'll keep that 647 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:44,000 Speaker 1: in my next game night, Samantha, Puzzles come over to 648 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:47,400 Speaker 1: our side. I don't know, like we Yeah, I was 649 00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:50,160 Speaker 1: here for year last game night and it was super fun. Yeah, 650 00:39:50,239 --> 00:39:53,360 Speaker 1: we have a great time. We do. It's a party, 651 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:55,600 Speaker 1: I think overall, if we want to talk about what 652 00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:59,840 Speaker 1: coping is, it's being with people that are like minded 653 00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:03,879 Speaker 1: and just having a good time in silly talks. There 654 00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:07,680 Speaker 1: we go, and this brings us to the end of 655 00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:11,799 Speaker 1: this episode. We did it. We will be continuing our 656 00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,640 Speaker 1: mini series in the following weeks, but in the meantime, 657 00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:16,560 Speaker 1: if you would like to reach out to us, you can. 658 00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:19,360 Speaker 1: Our email is mom Stuff at how stuparks dot com. 659 00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:22,000 Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast 660 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,400 Speaker 1: and on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks, 661 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:29,560 Speaker 1: as always to our producer Andrew Howard, and thanks to 662 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:30,360 Speaker 1: you for listening.