1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,199 Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 12 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 1: Going through someone's phone is an indicator of a lack 13 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:52,839 Speaker 1: of trust, right and to me, if our goal is 14 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 1: to operate from our higher place, our higher self, instead 15 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 1: of going through the phone, we will ask. 16 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:06,320 Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration, 17 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments 18 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 2: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a 19 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,760 Speaker 2: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also, 20 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:21,839 Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe 21 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our 22 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:31,199 Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content From the Patreon tab. 23 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: You welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to 24 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: uplifting women like you. 25 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,760 Speaker 3: We're your hosts. 26 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,640 Speaker 1: Doctor Dominique Bussard, a college professor and psychologist. 27 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 28 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 29 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 30 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 2: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space 31 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:08,320 Speaker 2: where black women can just be Hey, lady, it's Terry 32 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 2: here from Cultivating her Space. Are you tired of working 33 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 2: hard for your money? Do you want your business to 34 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 2: run smoothly when you're out of office? If you want 35 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,800 Speaker 2: to learn how to automate your business cash flow and 36 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,800 Speaker 2: increase your impact and influence, join me from my free 37 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 2: workshop at Brand with Terry dot Com. Again, that's Brand 38 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:34,480 Speaker 2: with Terry dot Com. My name is spelled Tebri. I 39 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 2: hope to see you there, lady. 40 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:42,920 Speaker 1: All rite our quote of the day. One of the 41 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 1: saddest things to realize is that certain people are just 42 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:51,360 Speaker 1: not who they used to be. That people you once 43 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: consider best friends are now at best strangers. Okay, see 44 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:03,640 Speaker 1: that quote. I read it in the tone that I 45 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 1: was feeling it. I felt sad right like. 46 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 2: It, dear girl felt. 47 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 3: Like damn, man, damn. 48 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 2: Mm hmm. 49 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 3: What came up for you when you heard it? 50 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:25,920 Speaker 2: Though, what came up for me was damn, Like you 51 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,760 Speaker 2: just said damn, because dom I don't know about you. 52 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:33,160 Speaker 2: I am working on this, but I have historically been 53 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 2: a sucker for nostalgia, Like I could reconnect with someone 54 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 2: that I was like third grade with and I'll just 55 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 2: be so excited, like, oh my gosh, remember third grade 56 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,560 Speaker 2: when we used to eat skittles and like we used 57 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 2: to you don't even watch movies and classes. I just 58 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:50,480 Speaker 2: get so excited because of the history that sometimes when 59 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 2: friendships have run their course or people are behaving in 60 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 2: a way in which we're no longer compatible to being 61 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 2: each other's lives, it is often a pretty sad experience 62 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 2: for me, Like there's some grieving that's involved, Like as 63 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 2: much as people be like you know, I'll be cutting 64 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,840 Speaker 2: people off, and you know, it's like nothing, it's impactful 65 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,159 Speaker 2: to me, Like it really does have an impact on me. 66 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:17,480 Speaker 2: The way I feel it is sad. 67 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,520 Speaker 1: It is it is, you know, And I think about 68 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:29,200 Speaker 1: friendships that have ended and where we've had we've had 69 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:34,320 Speaker 1: conversations about it ending. And then I think about friendships 70 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:39,239 Speaker 1: that naturally kind of dissolve over time, and there wasn't 71 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 1: necessarily like a conversation around it ending. We just naturally 72 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:49,799 Speaker 1: just grew apart, and like it went from talking every 73 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 1: day to talking once a month, to three months, to 74 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 1: once a year, twice a year, to not talking at all. Yeah, 75 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,080 Speaker 1: and it just naturally kind of evolved in that way. 76 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:11,799 Speaker 1: And so you know, I think about giving myself space 77 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,599 Speaker 1: to allow that to happen, right or to giving myself 78 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 1: space to honor any feelings that may come up around 79 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: that right, Like once there's the recognition that, oh one, 80 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:29,280 Speaker 1: this friendship is not what it used to be and two, 81 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: oh wait, it's not existing anymore at all. And so 82 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:40,039 Speaker 1: just giving myself space to like honor that I think 83 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 1: is important. 84 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's tough. I'm thinking of a few situations right now. 85 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 2: There's one that's there's a friend who's actually going through 86 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 2: this currently, and I feel so bad for that friend 87 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 2: because they don't have a lot of close people that 88 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 2: are like in their circle and they're experiencing this and 89 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 2: you know, something recently happened. They reached out to the 90 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 2: end for an anniversary and they kind of like, you know, 91 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 2: went on they haven't talked in a while, and the 92 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:08,240 Speaker 2: friend didn't even the friend air quotes didn't even respond, 93 00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:10,480 Speaker 2: and it's like, y'all have this history and they didn't 94 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,120 Speaker 2: even acknowledge your message at all. Like that. That's kind 95 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 2: of that sucks, you know, But I think about my 96 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,560 Speaker 2: personal experience. I have a friend where we've had so 97 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,599 Speaker 2: many like intimate conversations, We've had you know, vacations together, 98 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 2: and we've had these what I thought was a good friendship, 99 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 2: and I had experienced a lot of like adversity at 100 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 2: this particular season in life, and we kind of fell off. 101 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:34,960 Speaker 2: And then when I, you know, when I kind of 102 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 2: came up for air and I was like, okay, I'm 103 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 2: kind of back in a good space. I tried to 104 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 2: reach out and it was just weird. Do you ever 105 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 2: get that vibe and you're like, yep something? And so 106 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,679 Speaker 2: I waited for a little bit. I was like, should 107 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 2: I say something? Maybe I should, Like it was really 108 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,159 Speaker 2: weighing on my heart. So I was like, let me 109 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,600 Speaker 2: go ahead and just let me be an adult. I'm 110 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,560 Speaker 2: trying to work on, you know, developing emotional intelligence, and 111 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 2: so I, you know, reached out and scheduled a call 112 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 2: with a person will call her Monique. And when I 113 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,240 Speaker 2: was chatting with Monique, I just had discomfort in my stomach, 114 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,920 Speaker 2: Like it was just I was asking about like, hey, 115 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,520 Speaker 2: you know, I missed our interaction, like I missed us chatting. 116 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 2: What shit? Like did anything shift? Because I felt to 117 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 2: shift around this time, and Monique was just so adamant 118 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:21,880 Speaker 2: about nothing changing and was saying how she had relocated, 119 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,720 Speaker 2: and I was like, damn, you didn't move from around 120 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 2: the corner, like you know what I mean, you moved 121 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 2: from down the street and I didn't even know. Like 122 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 2: it was just really odd. And so I had to 123 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 2: go through a sort of grieving process and realized that 124 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,120 Speaker 2: this relationship has changed, which is very difficult for me 125 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 2: down when there's no closure, like there was no fallout. 126 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 2: There was like nothing happened that I was aware of, 127 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 2: and they even't asked about it. But it was like, 128 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:49,120 Speaker 2: apparently you are moving on, and that's unfortunate cause I 129 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:49,840 Speaker 2: thought we were cool. 130 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, you know, as I listened to that, 131 00:07:53,680 --> 00:08:00,080 Speaker 1: I think about like each person's perspective, right, and I 132 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,000 Speaker 1: think about like so from your perspective, you were going 133 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 1: through something and you weren't able to be fully present, right. 134 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 1: You weren't able and I say be able to be 135 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 1: fully present in terms of you weren't showing up how 136 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,680 Speaker 1: you would normally show up in the friendship, like what 137 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 1: she was used to. And then when you came up 138 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 1: for air and you reached out, the response kind of 139 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 1: didn't match what you experienced, Like there wasn't an acknowledgement 140 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:32,760 Speaker 1: that there was a shift. 141 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:34,320 Speaker 3: But yet. 142 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 1: This friend had major things happened and didn't communicate it 143 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:46,840 Speaker 1: with you, right, So to me, that's an indication of well, yeah, 144 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,839 Speaker 1: she noticed it, like she noticed it and she felt it, 145 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:55,320 Speaker 1: but she may not have been in the space to 146 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 1: communicate that with you, right, And I think that that's 147 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:04,679 Speaker 1: what makes it hard when there's a change in the friendship, 148 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: and that makes it hard in communication in general. Right 149 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:15,560 Speaker 1: when one person is there to name it, name what's happening, 150 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: and wants to engage in a dialogue around it, and 151 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 1: the other person is not there for that for whatever reason, right, 152 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:30,679 Speaker 1: they're in denial of or unwilling to name it and 153 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,559 Speaker 1: have a conversation around it. 154 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 2: For sure. Yeah, that is definitely difficult, but we're going 155 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 2: to dive into that today, lady, So you may have 156 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,600 Speaker 2: experienced something similar. I know that this is an important 157 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,280 Speaker 2: conversation in my opinion, don because we are at complex 158 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 2: as human beings and people also change, yes, And one 159 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 2: thing that I'm constantly trying to remember and remind myself 160 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,559 Speaker 2: is that everyone is dealing with their own life drama, 161 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 2: right or like sometimes you know, their own just situations 162 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 2: going on and their expression and how they're showing up. 163 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,920 Speaker 2: It impacts us. So the question is how do we 164 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,720 Speaker 2: deal Because me personally, I don't like to be triggered 165 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,400 Speaker 2: constantly by someone else's actions. Like, if there's any triggering 166 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 2: that's going on, I want it to be because of me. 167 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,959 Speaker 2: Like I decided to be triggered by this. I guess 168 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,440 Speaker 2: you could say that someone can decide either way, but 169 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 2: I wanted to be me acting in a certain way 170 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,480 Speaker 2: because of a decision that I've made to act a 171 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,560 Speaker 2: certain way. I don't want someone to do something and 172 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 2: then I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm triggered because if 173 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 2: that if that's the case, we'll be super fickle, just 174 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,120 Speaker 2: going kind of going with the wind, right, And I 175 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 2: want to be a bit more stable in the way 176 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,319 Speaker 2: that I show up in my expression. It's just like 177 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 2: a personal goal that I have. And so I guess 178 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,240 Speaker 2: we should just kind of dive into the conversation around 179 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 2: how do we respond when people start acting funny? Child? 180 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:50,560 Speaker 3: Listen, Let's be real. 181 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:55,839 Speaker 1: Okay, let's be real, because when we think about it, 182 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,079 Speaker 1: like I, I go back to what you said about 183 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 1: being aware of how you show up, right, And so 184 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: you said that you want to be in a space 185 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:09,560 Speaker 1: where you are stable, and you show up from a 186 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: place of being centered and awareness and with consideration for 187 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: not just yourself but for the other person. If we're 188 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:24,439 Speaker 1: being honest, sometimes that's not where we're coming from, right. 189 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,720 Speaker 1: Sometimes we may be operating from a space of hurt 190 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,600 Speaker 1: and not wanting to acknowledge that hurt. So we're in 191 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 1: a space of, well, I'm hurt, I'm gonna hurt back, right, 192 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,200 Speaker 1: Or maybe we're in a space of you know what, 193 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,080 Speaker 1: and this is still from a space of hurt. If 194 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: we're being you know, if I really think about it 195 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 1: and dig deep in it, but I'm just gonna. 196 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 3: Be petty, and so I think, you know, as. 197 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:59,000 Speaker 1: We talk about how things show up for us in 198 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: instances in which people may be active funny with us. 199 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 1: I just want us to acknowledge that there is a 200 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: range of ways in which we may respond. 201 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,520 Speaker 2: Yes, there are, indeed, right, we can be Sometimes we 202 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:16,200 Speaker 2: go back, we go into our toxic response, right, because 203 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 2: I think many of us, I know I do, got 204 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 2: a little bit of toxicity up in there. Right, We're 205 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 2: not refined one hundred percent. And then some of us 206 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,000 Speaker 2: have more of a cultivated response, right, our adults, I 207 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,000 Speaker 2: want to say the response that I hire self would 208 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,680 Speaker 2: encourage us to have. So don let's go ahead and 209 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:32,880 Speaker 2: dive into these scenarios. I'm going to read off the 210 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:37,120 Speaker 2: first scenario, lady, and then we'll just talk about, yeah, like, 211 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 2: how would you respond to this? And lady, think about 212 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,680 Speaker 2: your own situations and how this kind of fits in 213 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,439 Speaker 2: with these various scenarios. Okay, dom, So here's the first one. 214 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 2: My SWB or Friends with Benefits and I are getting serious, 215 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 2: but we aren't quite official. We spend just about every 216 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:57,080 Speaker 2: weekend together and text daily. But recently he told me 217 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 2: that he had a short noticed trip that he had 218 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 2: and he had to go back home to help his 219 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,320 Speaker 2: little cousin move. I've never heard of this little cousin, 220 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 2: which is a little id I'm assuming because you probably 221 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,960 Speaker 2: know each other's families and whatnot. And I noticed that 222 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 2: he didn't FaceTime me while he was away for the weekend, 223 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 2: and somebody said, m h, all right, all right, here's 224 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,600 Speaker 2: the kicker. I went through his phone the next time 225 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,760 Speaker 2: we hung out, and it's evident that he was hanging 226 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,240 Speaker 2: out with a girl he told me had a big 227 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:34,559 Speaker 2: crush on him in college. WTF. Okay, there's a lot. 228 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,120 Speaker 2: There's a lot, and I think there's definitely people are 229 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,400 Speaker 2: acting funny. Yes, people changing up. They acting, they're acting. 230 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,440 Speaker 2: They inconsistent. We got some sneaky links going on. People 231 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,679 Speaker 2: are inconsistent, Like domb What feelings do you think are 232 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 2: in the mix here? 233 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:54,360 Speaker 3: There's a lot in the mix there. So there's so 234 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,480 Speaker 3: there's multiple points that I want to address. Okay, wait, 235 00:13:57,559 --> 00:14:00,840 Speaker 3: let me let me We got a child to start. 236 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 1: So I think in terms of the feelings, the thing 237 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 1: that immediately comes up for me, in terms of when 238 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:13,160 Speaker 1: you suspect someone that's acting funny, listen. 239 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 3: To your instincts. 240 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: Your gut is telling you something ain't right, and you 241 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,320 Speaker 1: know why your gut is telling you this right, because 242 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:26,800 Speaker 1: there's things like, as it was pointed out, there were 243 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: things changes in that person's behavior that you took notice of, 244 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 1: which is important right now, those changes in behavior sometimes 245 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 1: don't mean anything, right, that could just be pure coincidence. 246 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 1: But if your instincts, your gut, your spidy senses, whatever 247 00:14:53,760 --> 00:15:02,320 Speaker 1: you name it is giving you indication that something is all, 248 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 1: then to me, we gotta speak on it. If we're 249 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: operating from our higher self, right, like, yeah, so operating 250 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 1: from our higher self, we're gonna speak on it. We're 251 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: gonna say to our partner, Hey, here's something that I noticed. 252 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:33,360 Speaker 1: I noticed that we FaceTime every day. However, you're on 253 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 1: this trip and we haven't face timed at all. 254 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,200 Speaker 2: And that point something out really quick. Don I just 255 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 2: want to acknowledge the fact that, in any instance, if 256 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 2: there's a shift in someone's behavior, approaching them and like 257 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 2: initiating a I want to say, productive conversation, because you 258 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 2: could just snap and go all out right, and that's 259 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 2: like a different type of energy. But if you have 260 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 2: a conversation like the one that you're posing them, there's 261 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:04,280 Speaker 2: a great degree of vulnerability. Yes, that's required to do that. 262 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 2: You're really putting yourself out there. And I personally think 263 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 2: it's commendable. I mean, I was talking to so one 264 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 2: the other day, dom and they had shared with me 265 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 2: that they were going through something and they said, yeah, 266 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 2: that person really hurt my feelings and that that's like 267 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 2: that is It takes a lot to say that for 268 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,800 Speaker 2: a lot of people. For some people, you know what, 269 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,360 Speaker 2: I like, you are really opening up and so I 270 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 2: love the fact that you pointed that out. That is 271 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 2: our refined, higher self response. So that's the first part. 272 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 2: You said, it's to have a conversation. What else. 273 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,640 Speaker 1: So you're going to have a conversation, and the conversation, 274 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,280 Speaker 1: like you said, that does require a level of vulnerability, right, 275 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: because what that vulnerability is communicating directly communicating to the 276 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:48,160 Speaker 1: other person is that you care, that you have feelings 277 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 1: in this, that you are invested in this relationship, right 278 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 1: And if you were in a space where you're taking 279 00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:00,240 Speaker 1: things from friends with benefits to a more committed relationship, 280 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 1: that level of vulnerability can be scary, right. But if 281 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: we are operating it sounds like this is kind of 282 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: the space where this person was at. If we're operating 283 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 1: from a lower vibrational space and perhaps maybe our petty self, 284 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,440 Speaker 1: right or our insecure self. Either way, we're operating from 285 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:29,480 Speaker 1: a lower space. When we see that person again, we 286 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 1: go through their phone. And lady, I know, as you're listening, 287 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 1: there might be several of you that are like doc 288 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 1: to dime, I go through phones all the time. 289 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:45,760 Speaker 2: I hear you, Sis, I hear you, But but you. 290 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:49,160 Speaker 1: Know, I want to name it as it is. Right, 291 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 1: going through someone's phone is an indicator of a lack 292 00:17:55,560 --> 00:18:04,040 Speaker 1: of trust, right, And to me, if our goal is 293 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:09,360 Speaker 1: to operate from our higher place, our higher self, instead 294 00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:12,840 Speaker 1: of going through the phone, we will ask Tom. 295 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,640 Speaker 2: I got a couple questions for you, Okay. So number one, 296 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,400 Speaker 2: when you say that it's a lack of trust when 297 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,159 Speaker 2: you go through someone's phone, do you think that that 298 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 2: could be a lack of trust on you having a 299 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:28,119 Speaker 2: lack of trust in your partner or and or potentially 300 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,879 Speaker 2: having a lack of trust in your own self. Like 301 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,960 Speaker 2: maybe this is a situation where maybe the woman who 302 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,000 Speaker 2: is going through this situation, maybe she really got her 303 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,360 Speaker 2: own sneaky link and she's like linking up with her 304 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 2: other FWB her this SI I do, and she's like, oh, 305 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,640 Speaker 2: I'm gonna check on him because I know I'm doing 306 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,959 Speaker 2: some dirts, so I'm going to check on him, Like 307 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,120 Speaker 2: there is it? Are you saying that it could be. 308 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 3: Right? 309 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,000 Speaker 1: But the thing is is you want to check in 310 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,720 Speaker 1: with yourself about why you are engaging in the behavior 311 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: that you're engaging. Right, So if you're saying, I'm gonna 312 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:07,480 Speaker 1: go through his phone because things were a little off, 313 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,879 Speaker 1: he was acting funny while he was out of town, 314 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:17,119 Speaker 1: and my spidy senses say something ain't right, Yeah, I 315 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 1: hire yourself with have a conversation about it right now. 316 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,200 Speaker 3: It could be that. 317 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 1: Our spidy senses are up because, like you pointed out, 318 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 1: our spidy senses might be a little off because we 319 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 1: are the ones engaging in funny behavior, right, So really 320 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,639 Speaker 1: it's an indication to check in with ourselves. 321 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,600 Speaker 2: Yeah. The last thing I want to say about this scenario, 322 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,199 Speaker 2: Dom is that I think that if we were to 323 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 2: take out the last part and let's say she didn't 324 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,960 Speaker 2: go through the phone, I feel like she could have 325 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 2: had the conversation like you said, and if she still 326 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,840 Speaker 2: felt like something was off, Lady, listen to your body, 327 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,560 Speaker 2: Like our bodies don't lie, and we get those feelings 328 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 2: It's like, you may not know what it is, but 329 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:07,880 Speaker 2: I believe that if you feel the feeling, there's something there. 330 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 2: And if you I'm this may be woo woo for you, 331 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,119 Speaker 2: but I'm like down to pray and meditate and ask 332 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 2: the universe God to reveal it to me, Like, Okay, 333 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,159 Speaker 2: can you reveal what's going on here? The thing is 334 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,720 Speaker 2: when we get the revelation, what you're going to do 335 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,359 Speaker 2: about it? Like, are we just getting the revelation to 336 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:23,879 Speaker 2: get it or are we going to make a decision 337 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:28,640 Speaker 2: once the revelation comes, right, because we deserve better than 338 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,439 Speaker 2: this funny feeling that we get from this person. Yes, 339 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,680 Speaker 2: all right, so down, let's go into the next scenario here. 340 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,439 Speaker 2: All right. So my sister is the last one to 341 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,399 Speaker 2: be partnered. And to make a long story short, she 342 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:45,320 Speaker 2: had a hot girl decade okay, lots of partners, traveling, 343 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 2: living her best life. She met a new guy and 344 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 2: seemed to be really excited about him, and when we 345 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 2: caught up, she told me that she could see him 346 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,399 Speaker 2: being the one and she can even see them having kids, 347 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 2: et cetera. All that, we FaceTime each other almost daily, 348 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,960 Speaker 2: and the last few times I as about her new Boo. 349 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 2: She got super defensive and basically told me to mom 350 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,520 Speaker 2: my damn business, and it came off really rude. The 351 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,760 Speaker 2: crazy thing is she texts me today telling me that 352 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,280 Speaker 2: they're going to Jamaica in a month. Am I missing 353 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 2: something that is a little interesting? 354 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,879 Speaker 3: She ain't missing nothing. She's right on it, like she 355 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:19,680 Speaker 3: sees it. 356 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:25,919 Speaker 1: She knows her sister and she recognizes that her sister 357 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,440 Speaker 1: the behavior isn't matching up. 358 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,439 Speaker 3: So she's not missing. 359 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 1: The fact that there is something awry that her sister's 360 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:41,879 Speaker 1: acting funny like, she's not missing that. What may be 361 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:46,719 Speaker 1: missing is the actual information of why she's acting funny. 362 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 1: Right to me, when I hear this, I think of, well, 363 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:57,560 Speaker 1: the sister's in an unhealthy relationship. Like what automatically comes 364 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,920 Speaker 1: up for me is the sister is in an unhealthy 365 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:07,680 Speaker 1: relationship and that's why she doesn't want to share what's 366 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:14,880 Speaker 1: going on. That's why she's being evasive. Typically, when someone 367 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 1: is being evasive about their relationship after they just spent 368 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 1: like the initial part gushing over like they were in 369 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,400 Speaker 1: that honeymoon phase and they were just gushing over this person, 370 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:33,120 Speaker 1: and then they shift to being evasive. Either one it's 371 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,960 Speaker 1: an unhealthy relationship. And to me, you know, we don't 372 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:44,199 Speaker 1: want to jump to extreme conclusions, but to me, the 373 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:48,040 Speaker 1: extreme conclusion is this is a warning sign or a 374 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:53,120 Speaker 1: red flag or the start of an abusive relationship. So 375 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:58,080 Speaker 1: again I come back to we get the sense that 376 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:05,199 Speaker 1: something is awry, let's have a conversation. So this is 377 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,120 Speaker 1: my sister. I'll go to her and I'll say, Sis, 378 00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:14,760 Speaker 1: what's going on. I'm concerned. I initially you were sharing 379 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 1: everything about what was happening in this relationship. Now all 380 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,159 Speaker 1: of a sudden, like you're going to Jamaica, but you 381 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: don't want to share anything. 382 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 3: So what's up? And give them an. 383 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 1: Opportunity to share, because it could also be that maybe 384 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,920 Speaker 1: they're in a space where they. 385 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,480 Speaker 3: Don't want to. 386 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:42,720 Speaker 1: Share out all of what's happening in their relationship anymore. Right, So, 387 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,760 Speaker 1: sometimes what happens when we're in a healthy dynamic and 388 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 1: we're trying to build a solid foundation with someone, we 389 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:55,240 Speaker 1: start to keep things between the two of us so 390 00:23:55,280 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 1: that we're not being heavily influenced by the outside. Yes, 391 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,840 Speaker 1: so there's room for possibilities of things that could be happening, 392 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: but we won't know for sure unless we ask, right. 393 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,480 Speaker 2: I love that you pointed out both perspectives down and 394 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,600 Speaker 2: not just like one side of that coin. But it 395 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,760 Speaker 2: could be a healthy relationship. And it's like, I want 396 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,280 Speaker 2: to protect what we had because I know that my 397 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,960 Speaker 2: sister who's asking, she'd be all nosy and she'd be 398 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,160 Speaker 2: telling my mom and other sisters and brothers or cousins 399 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,840 Speaker 2: our business. It could be something like that too. I gots. 400 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 2: The other thing that came up for me as we 401 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,200 Speaker 2: were kind of diving into this was if this is 402 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,439 Speaker 2: a theme for this sister, Like is she constantly like 403 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 2: sharing and then she's like minja damn business and there's 404 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 2: like a theme there, Because I think that if that's 405 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,399 Speaker 2: the case, the conversation would be good. But then the 406 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:50,000 Speaker 2: other sister who said, am I missing something? She may 407 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:53,240 Speaker 2: need to sort of shift her behavior and no longer 408 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,280 Speaker 2: inquire about, you know, certain aspects of her sister's life 409 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,719 Speaker 2: if she's going to respond that way. That's what came 410 00:24:58,800 --> 00:24:59,159 Speaker 2: up for me. 411 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, that's a good point that it could be 412 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:06,120 Speaker 1: that the sister is being is being too nosy, right, 413 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,240 Speaker 1: or being inquisitive however we choose to view it, right, 414 00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:12,639 Speaker 1: But we're being real that's what the other sister's going 415 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 1: to say, right. 416 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 3: You being nosy? 417 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:18,399 Speaker 1: And you know, I think about like sister dynamics, right, Like, 418 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:19,280 Speaker 1: that's what's really going. 419 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:19,760 Speaker 3: To be said. 420 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:23,080 Speaker 1: Right, It's not going to be old since you being inquisitive, 421 00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:25,160 Speaker 1: it's gonna be no you in my business? 422 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,000 Speaker 3: Why you being so nosy? 423 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:27,399 Speaker 2: Right? 424 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:30,679 Speaker 3: I feel like I had. 425 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,480 Speaker 1: A flashback just now of conversations with my sisters, like 426 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,639 Speaker 1: you know, and and the reality is you're right like 427 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,480 Speaker 1: picking up on the pattern. And but it goes back 428 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,280 Speaker 1: to a conversation between the sisters, right. 429 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,399 Speaker 2: Yes, for sure. And the one thing I want to 430 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 2: say before we move on to the next scenario is 431 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:52,920 Speaker 2: I think that it's important to also realize in this situation, 432 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,159 Speaker 2: you asking someone a question in them change, like their 433 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,560 Speaker 2: behavior changing. Sometimes it doesn't have anything to do with you, 434 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,080 Speaker 2: Like it could be that, like you said, the sister 435 00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:03,000 Speaker 2: could be going through a rough patch with that boo 436 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:04,359 Speaker 2: and so she's like, I don't even want to talk 437 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,879 Speaker 2: about his ass, like and now I'm taking my frustration 438 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,800 Speaker 2: out on my sister who's asking me. Right, it's not 439 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,480 Speaker 2: even it has nothing to do with her, but it's 440 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,760 Speaker 2: my situation, all right, So now I'm going to move 441 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:18,239 Speaker 2: on to the next scenario here, and it says one 442 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 2: of my work friends who I used to get lunch 443 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,400 Speaker 2: with a few times a week, has been hanging out 444 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,520 Speaker 2: with the new girl at work, and it feels like 445 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:28,239 Speaker 2: she's distancing herself from me. After a recent conversation, I 446 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,560 Speaker 2: was explaining a concept to her that we learned at work, 447 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,639 Speaker 2: and she got really irritated and says something like, you 448 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 2: don't have to say that shit like I'm slow just 449 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:40,879 Speaker 2: because I didn't go to college like you. Okay. I 450 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,640 Speaker 2: was literally like okay in my head, and then I apologized. 451 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,840 Speaker 2: Now every time I ask about getting lunch, she has 452 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,960 Speaker 2: an excuse, and I'm really confused because she seems to 453 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:56,240 Speaker 2: have time for the new girl. Really weird what's going on. 454 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:06,199 Speaker 1: So it feels obvious to me that this is a 455 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:11,119 Speaker 1: scenario that's not necessarily at least the small snippet of 456 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:16,720 Speaker 1: it is not about the person, right, It's about the workfront. 457 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 1: And I say it's a snippet because there could be 458 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:28,639 Speaker 1: a larger dynamic that they have where our writer is 459 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: contributing a bigger role in that dynamic. Right, So that's 460 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,480 Speaker 1: why I'm saying I want to be clear that it's 461 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,120 Speaker 1: just I'm focusing just on this particular snippet. 462 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 3: So, in this particular. 463 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 1: Snippet, it's not about our writer, it's about their workfriend. 464 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:54,360 Speaker 1: That workfriend is hella insecure, and there's nothing that our 465 00:27:54,400 --> 00:28:00,119 Speaker 1: writer can do about that. They can't give workfront a degree, 466 00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:04,000 Speaker 1: there's nothing that they can do to change that dynamic, right, 467 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,920 Speaker 1: or to change workfriend's feelings of insecurity. 468 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:09,800 Speaker 3: It seems to me. 469 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:15,440 Speaker 1: That the workfriend is reacting out of hurt and doesn't 470 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 1: want to communicate their hurt. 471 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:19,480 Speaker 3: Right. 472 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:25,280 Speaker 1: So our writer said something. This is an instance of 473 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:34,639 Speaker 1: intent versus impact. So the intent, from our writer's perspective 474 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 1: was to share some new information with her work friend. 475 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:47,959 Speaker 1: The impact was that the work friend felt insulted, and 476 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:53,080 Speaker 1: so they lashed out with their words and then they 477 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:58,400 Speaker 1: pulled back from the relationship in an effort to protect themselves, 478 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: which I don't blame right Like, we are all as 479 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:07,479 Speaker 1: human beings, we are all wired to protect ourselves. And 480 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:11,680 Speaker 1: so even though our writer apologized, which was the right 481 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 1: thing to do, even though our writer apologized, the work 482 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,400 Speaker 1: friend needs time and space. 483 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 3: It sounds like. 484 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:26,920 Speaker 1: No workfriend isn't necessarily responding to it well in terms 485 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 1: of when our writer went and tried to reach out 486 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: and approach address. Okay, we've had a rupture, here, can 487 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,880 Speaker 1: we fix it work? Friend does not seem to be 488 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,600 Speaker 1: in a place where they want to fix the rupture. 489 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:43,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's kind of hard to move forward with 490 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,480 Speaker 2: someone when you want to fix it and they don't, right, 491 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:48,320 Speaker 2: And it's again it kind of goes back to the 492 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 2: quote of the day. It can be sad. We're like, damn, 493 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,200 Speaker 2: I actually valued our little lunch dates and the conversations 494 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:56,720 Speaker 2: we had and all that, and it's like, your hurt 495 00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:00,520 Speaker 2: won't let you move past this incident so that we 496 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:01,960 Speaker 2: can kind of get back to where we were, because 497 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,440 Speaker 2: there's been a big shift with you. I don't know now. 498 00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 2: I think that you know, having these conversations it takes 499 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,440 Speaker 2: a lot of maturity, a lot of growth, a lot 500 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:14,640 Speaker 2: of vulnerability. I know my communication skills have grown leads 501 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 2: and bounds from where they were like in adulthood. And 502 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:21,120 Speaker 2: I remember at one point like just shutting down and 503 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:23,800 Speaker 2: cutting people off, like not having the conversation. That was 504 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,560 Speaker 2: the way that I protected myself. And now when it 505 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,680 Speaker 2: comes to where I am, I value as hard as 506 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:33,880 Speaker 2: it is, I value having the conversations going through my 507 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:37,480 Speaker 2: you know what I've learned in my conflict resolution program, 508 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:41,160 Speaker 2: and like using my tools to really articulate how I feel. 509 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:44,200 Speaker 2: And oftentimes I feel so sensitive, I feel so seen, 510 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,920 Speaker 2: I feel so naked sometimes. But I think that there 511 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:50,840 Speaker 2: should be pride, encourage and standing in how you feel, 512 00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:53,480 Speaker 2: Like if someone hurts your feelings, letting them know that 513 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 2: is important. And anyone that's going to be on the 514 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:58,479 Speaker 2: receiving end of that conversation and if they want to say, oh, 515 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,440 Speaker 2: you're too sensitive or so not being a big right 516 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 2: because I know, I know I've said that to people before, 517 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:04,280 Speaker 2: and I know the people have said it to me 518 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,560 Speaker 2: before in the past. Life, y'all, this has happened, you know, 519 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:09,840 Speaker 2: not in the recent years, but it's happened. It's part 520 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,400 Speaker 2: of the story. It's happened. And I think we have 521 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 2: to normalize people having feelings and normalize not telling people 522 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:19,880 Speaker 2: that you're too sensitive, because now you're saying that this 523 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:24,120 Speaker 2: the way that someone feels is basically invalid. Like when 524 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,680 Speaker 2: we break that down down, that's pretty bizarre to say 525 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,360 Speaker 2: to someone like, oh, you're being too sensitive, But these 526 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:30,880 Speaker 2: are my feelings. 527 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:34,840 Speaker 3: Right, Like my feelings are my feelings. 528 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 1: I am entitled to my feelings, just like you are 529 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:42,360 Speaker 1: entitled to your feelings. Sometimes our feelings might not be 530 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,200 Speaker 1: in alignment, and. 531 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,520 Speaker 3: That is okay. 532 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:50,880 Speaker 1: But I'm with you that it is hard to be 533 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:57,320 Speaker 1: that vulnerable and put yourself in that position to say 534 00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:02,760 Speaker 1: you hurt my feeling or what you said made me angry, 535 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:06,880 Speaker 1: or like just naming what the feeling might be right, 536 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,080 Speaker 1: which is why I say like there's a spectrum of responses, 537 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,960 Speaker 1: and sometimes our response might be to go petty, right, 538 00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:22,920 Speaker 1: and petty really means passive aggressive. Passive aggressive, and if 539 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,080 Speaker 1: we're going to operate from my higher self, we want 540 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: to operate from an assertive space. Ye, So you know 541 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:34,160 Speaker 1: we have some tips. 542 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,240 Speaker 2: We got some tips girls, and they juicy. I want 543 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:38,959 Speaker 2: to dive into them so bad down, but I know 544 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,920 Speaker 2: that we are going to move the rest of this 545 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:46,240 Speaker 2: conversation onto the after show. So lady, visit herspace podcast 546 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:50,560 Speaker 2: dot com, click on Wisdom Wednesday with Terry Patreon. That'll 547 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,640 Speaker 2: take you over to the after show, or you can 548 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:54,640 Speaker 2: tune in right here in app if you're listening to 549 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:57,000 Speaker 2: Spotify or if you're listening on Spotify or if you're 550 00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:00,760 Speaker 2: listening on Apple iTunes, you can tune in there. And 551 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,920 Speaker 2: for any of you that are interested in a conversation 552 00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:07,400 Speaker 2: on how to manage conflict, we have a bomb ass 553 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:10,520 Speaker 2: episode where you get to see Domini and our acting skills. 554 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,320 Speaker 2: Not really, it's so it's so bad, y'all. Just it's 555 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,200 Speaker 2: it's bad. The tips are good, but our acting is like, nah. 556 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:19,360 Speaker 3: We didn't we didn't go to acting school. 557 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:21,640 Speaker 2: Nah, we didn't go to acting school. It's season two, 558 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:25,360 Speaker 2: episode four, and it's called our First Fight. Tips to 559 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,959 Speaker 2: manage conflict for the non confrontational woman. All right, so 560 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:30,520 Speaker 2: go ahead and check out the after show so we 561 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,080 Speaker 2: can dive into these juicy tips on how to respond 562 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 2: when people start acting funny. 563 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,320 Speaker 1: Hey lady, it's doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her 564 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:44,080 Speaker 1: Space podcast. Do you have a burning question you're dying 565 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:47,800 Speaker 1: to get feedback on? Do you want an unbiased perspective 566 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:53,160 Speaker 1: on a situation you're facing. If so, visit cultivatinghirspace dot 567 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:57,960 Speaker 1: com and click ask doctor Dom under the start here option. 568 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:04,600 Speaker 1: Every Tuesday, there's a few questions and answer them at random. 569 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:08,960 Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show 570 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:14,960 Speaker 1: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and 571 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:18,200 Speaker 1: mental health, but is by no means meant to be 572 00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:22,520 Speaker 1: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained 573 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:26,600 Speaker 1: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is 574 00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,960 Speaker 1: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy 575 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:35,920 Speaker 1: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider. 576 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,480 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 577 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:43,080 Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website cultivatinghirspace dot com and 578 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:45,720 Speaker 2: be sure to click the Patreon tab to get access 579 00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:50,600 Speaker 2: to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show and 580 00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:53,839 Speaker 2: before we meet again repete after me. I am doing 581 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:57,560 Speaker 2: the best I can with the understanding knowledge and awareness 582 00:34:57,600 --> 00:34:59,000 Speaker 2: I have at this moment.