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Speaker 1: If you would like to have us answer your questions.

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Speaker 2: If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or

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Speaker 2: a terrible throffle, guess what You've got decisions?

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Speaker 3: Hey, guys, welcome to you got decisions?

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Speaker 1: It's day. That's right before we get to this week's episode.

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Speaker 3: If you haven't yet, make sure you go purchase, create

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Speaker 3: order and support us with our new book, No Holds Bart,

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Speaker 3: a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power, available for

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Speaker 3: you now. And if you want to see us bring

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Speaker 3: the book from the pages to the stages. Make sure

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Speaker 3: you go to NHB tour dot com. Our tour starts

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Speaker 3: in July. And we are coming to a city near you.

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Speaker 1: Where are you coming? Yeah? Which city are you coming to?

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Speaker 1: You coming to featuring Mom Mama Jewel is in the building.

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Speaker 4: Hi, I'm so proud of my girls. We're gonna do this.

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Speaker 3: All right, Let's get into the question. And I think

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Speaker 3: you could help us with this. I really really liked

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Speaker 3: this question. So it says, Hey, I'm a twenty one

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Speaker 3: year old in university. I couldn't help but realize the

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Speaker 3: growth in Mandy in the relationship aspect. I was currently

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Speaker 3: listening to the Single by Choice episode where Mandy talks

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Speaker 3: about her negative views on relationships, and I can't help

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Speaker 3: but feel the same. I know, I'm young, I know

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Speaker 3: there are good men out there, but I have such

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Speaker 3: a negative view on relationships after my previous one. To me,

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Speaker 3: relationships feel like such a sacrifice. Why would I pour

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Speaker 3: my heart out to someone and be vulnerable with them

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Speaker 3: just for it to potentially come to an end? For context,

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Speaker 3: I was in a long term relationship with a cheater

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Speaker 3: who got me pregnant and I got an abortion. And

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Speaker 3: I've had many other mentally tolling relationships before that.

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Speaker 1: Girl, you only twenty will Jesus.

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Speaker 3: I also recently started to develop a crush on this

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Speaker 3: one guy I have been dating.

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Speaker 1: Find out that he has a damn child and the

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Speaker 1: baby mama is dead.

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Speaker 3: It's hard being in negative, toxic relationships and having quote

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Speaker 3: unquote faith after all that. It's a negative mindset, I know.

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Speaker 3: But listening to the newer episodes and seeing how both

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Speaker 3: of y'all are thriving in relationships, how did you, guys

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Speaker 3: personally overcome the negative thoughts you may have had about

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Speaker 3: relationships previously. I know my email is getting long, but

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Speaker 3: my issue with dating as well as is the casual sex.

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Speaker 3: I am open to having sex, but I also hate

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Speaker 3: the thought that the man is viewing me solely for sex.

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Speaker 3: But I also hate the thought of committing. I want

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Speaker 3: to be able to enjoy casual sex with nothing tired

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Speaker 3: to it, but then I feel guilt. I don't want

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Speaker 3: to be another quote unquote number to their account.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate you both. I love your podcast help.

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Speaker 3: So the question is, I guess we'll start with the

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Speaker 3: first one is how have we gotten over our negative

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Speaker 3: views on me and dating relationships in order to thrive

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Speaker 3: and get into new ones.

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Speaker 2: I think the first thing I was thinking about when

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Speaker 2: you were reading it and she was like, what's the

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Speaker 2: point or if it could potentially go bad? Why start

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Speaker 2: a new business? Why do anything and take leaps on anything?

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Speaker 2: Like at the end of the day, we all did

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Speaker 2: day go in right? We want companionship, we want to date,

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Speaker 2: we want sex. Yes, it could go bad, but it

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Speaker 2: could go right. Now, I'll be totally transparent, I would

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Speaker 2: say sixty five percent of my dating experiences didn't go

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Speaker 2: in the way that I wanted. The other thirty five

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Speaker 2: would maybe be boyfriends or successful casual relationships sixty five

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Speaker 2: is pretty high. However, they weren't bad, they just didn't

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Speaker 2: go the way I wanted. And you really can't control

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Speaker 2: other people like you can't continually control dating scenarios. You're

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Speaker 2: always gonna meet a guy in your life. For twenty one,

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Speaker 2: someone's gonna come where you like him more than he

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Speaker 2: likes you. Someone's gonna come where he does want where

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Speaker 2: you want it just or or she.

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Speaker 1: It just happens.

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Speaker 2: But I don't see any answer being I won't do

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Speaker 2: it because.

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Speaker 5: But I did she say she was twenty one, she

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Speaker 5: was twenty one. She's she hasn't spirited enough. Yeah all, yeah,

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Speaker 5: that twenty one unless she was dating at thirteen, she

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Speaker 5: doesn't have enough to say. I understand this part. This

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Speaker 5: is this worked, but she's studied dating. If you just

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Speaker 5: why not be a scept you both get in the

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Speaker 5: same day.

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Speaker 1: Type of menu. Yeah, had dated to compare if you

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Speaker 1: dated the artsy guys. Well, you're going to hear that.

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Speaker 1: She said that she's been in really toxic relationships. Girl,

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Speaker 1: that's what I would assume.

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Speaker 3: That majority of them, though, were while you were under

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Speaker 3: twenty one, So maybe drinking and partying wasn't involved. Maybe

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Speaker 3: your partners didn't even have their own places because you've

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Speaker 3: bore lived with parents. You haven't even gotten to maybe

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Speaker 3: explore the world with a partner at twenty one because

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Speaker 3: of financial things. I can't imagine many pe people her

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Speaker 3: age having everything together.

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Speaker 2: You you're scared of casual relationships, but sure twenty one

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Speaker 2: aren't because they know they're experiencing life.

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Speaker 1: I don't think it's twenty one.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I wanted to fall in love, but I

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Speaker 2: never stop somebody because I wanted to.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to try shit.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so here's the thing, even I want

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Speaker 3: to remove the age when you've been in so many

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Speaker 3: toxic relationships. I mean, y'all saw it took me a

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Speaker 3: while to get over my last one, and I think

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Speaker 3: I did that through therapy and just you know, loving

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Speaker 3: myself first. So I think, for me, if you're dating

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Speaker 3: at twenty one, what are you looking for?

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Speaker 1: Like? Are you just waiting for a guy to woo

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Speaker 1: you and make you his girlfriend? Or are you being

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Speaker 1: intentional while you're dating?

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Speaker 5: Just when she sees the thing where things are going,

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Speaker 5: she's just heading in the same direction. Try the opposite

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Speaker 5: of something so open it spanned your mindset, So be

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Speaker 5: doing this dating the same type of guys and being

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Speaker 5: only twenty one change of mindset.

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Speaker 4: Say this is not working for me, that's true.

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Speaker 1: That is literally why it's hadded this on my hand.

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Speaker 3: Then this is Einstein's definition of insanity doing the same

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Speaker 3: thing over and over expecting a different result. And I've

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Speaker 3: related to my motherfucking niggas like you're not gonna sit here,

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Speaker 3: and which is probably why I'm with a with a

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Speaker 3: twenty six year old britt now.

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Speaker 1: But it's like it actually, that's a really good simony.

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Speaker 1: It's night and day. My ex he was American, Harlem.

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Speaker 4: You gotta remember something. People a fear of change.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, so that's how they get stuck in the same

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Speaker 5: situation because they're scared to go out of the box.

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Speaker 4: Try if it's not working for you.

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Speaker 5: If you see it that somebody's running over your foot constantly,

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Speaker 5: you want to move your foot eventually, I mean, but.

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Speaker 1: I mean not only that.

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Speaker 3: I was gonna say too, like Unfortunately, when you constantly

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Speaker 3: find yourself to be in toxic relationships, the toxicity is.

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Speaker 1: What you believe to love it. Well, it also that's

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Speaker 1: what's your view of a relationship.

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Speaker 5: It looks like that's why you don't need to go away,

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Speaker 5: go opposite when the person is too top, go to

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Speaker 5: the ones that are too nice, opposite, and you're going

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Speaker 5: to meet somebody in the middle. There's always somebody in

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Speaker 5: the middle. There's one that's too nice, there's one to aggressive.

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Speaker 3: I think the problem is and women don't admit it often,

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Speaker 3: especially when they're young.

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Speaker 1: Women too like the cat mouse game, probably more that's

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Speaker 1: so they know.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, women I love to feel chase or to pursue.

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Speaker 1: Like, women don't admit that, but they.

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Speaker 5: Do what you're making. But they evidently being twenty one,

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Speaker 5: she's liking being treated like this and like that, but

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Speaker 5: she thinks that's scaring.

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Speaker 4: She doesn't know anything out of it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, by the way, this isn't shade to your age.

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Speaker 2: This should be you understanding when I was when I

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Speaker 2: was Yeah, when I was twenty one, I feel like

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Speaker 2: I was so happy I finally got to be twenty one,

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Speaker 2: and all people wanted to do is tell me you're

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Speaker 2: only twenty one.

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Speaker 4: So she's like, which one is it?

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Speaker 1: But what you got to.

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Speaker 2: Realize is like, even you know, you haven't experienced enough yet.

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Speaker 2: I did a dating in our dating course. By the way,

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Speaker 2: when you pre order the book, you're gonna be receiving

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Speaker 2: a course, our masterclass. I did a dating course with

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Speaker 2: a matchmaker in Dating Pro. One of the things she

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Speaker 2: said that it reminded me what you just said, Mandy,

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Speaker 2: was when things feel exciting for women, they can't differentiate delusion, excitement,

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Speaker 2: and anxiety.

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Speaker 3: Especially when the hormones are involved in You're plussy thumping

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Speaker 3: because he.

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Speaker 2: Didn't let's just say, he didn't maybe call you, but

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Speaker 2: then he calls you the next day. You're so excited,

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Speaker 2: you're ramped up about the call. There's an inconsistency in

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Speaker 2: the feeling, and so basically, but she's settling now, they're

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Speaker 2: up and down. You don't really know that you're going

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Speaker 2: through it because you think it feels exciting. But all

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Speaker 2: of that is really bad. And I'm telling you I

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Speaker 2: would date a guy twenty five. Try dating a guy

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Speaker 2: right around twenty five, maybe like he's finish college, maybe

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Speaker 2: he's entering the workforce, and like try to see a

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Speaker 2: little bit of a difference in maybe how the approach works.

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Speaker 1: I also think I would tell her to go up

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Speaker 1: to thirty. I mean, I was thinking she was young. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you twenty five to thirty.

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Speaker 2: If they will even date, Oh they will okay.

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Speaker 4: One years O. Wait, she enjoys sex because she's like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I'm just oh, so you.

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Speaker 1: H having sex for fun too?

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Speaker 2: Girl to say that you feel like, oh, he's just

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Speaker 2: using you for sex.

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Speaker 1: But she said that she doesn't want to be another

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Speaker 1: quote unquote number. Why I did you have another number?

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Speaker 1: I mean, you can look at it that way. I think.

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Speaker 3: I think though this, this one's a little difficult for

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Speaker 3: me now, only because if she has experienced some level

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Speaker 3: of intimacy, which I didn't experience early on in my

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Speaker 3: sex life, being just a fuck buddy for someone and

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Speaker 3: not having intimacy. I said, my casual sex buddies didn't

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Speaker 3: do it for me, and I felt empty after sex

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Speaker 3: and that was one of the worst.

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Speaker 5: We were doing it when you do it often, well,

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Speaker 5: I was doing it because you were looking for emotion

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Speaker 5: after it was just.

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Speaker 1: But that's what I'm saying.

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Speaker 3: If she, if she's been in relationships and the sex

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Speaker 3: was more than just a fuck because there was our

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Speaker 3: actual intimacy involved, her feelings involved.

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Speaker 4: Get used to it.

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Speaker 3: And so that's why I think it's possible she's used

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Speaker 3: to that sex now, so a casual fuck buddy won't

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Speaker 3: be fulfilling.

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Speaker 2: But you need to also learn how to have casual

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Speaker 2: sex in a way that makes you feel safe.

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Speaker 1: So, for example, I can't say someone who does a

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Speaker 1: service with me. I see her month.

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Speaker 2: We just had this conversation and she said, I just

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Speaker 2: had sex in the first time in a few months,

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Speaker 2: and I had to really take it into my own

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Speaker 2: rains girl. She had just stopped dating someone. She was like,

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Speaker 2: so in my head, I'm just like, I'm too old

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Speaker 2: for this ship. I can't just fuck somebody. She was like,

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Speaker 2: I literally made it fun, got some new hair, got

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Speaker 2: a thick I started swiping. I'm like, I'm gonna get

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Speaker 2: some big by Saturday. She was like, And then it

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Speaker 2: became this game. I was having fun. I'm on the date,

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Speaker 2: seeing how the vibe is going. She's like, I went

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Speaker 2: out almost in my head like I was looking for sex,

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Speaker 2: she said, when before she would go out looking for

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Speaker 2: someone to date.

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Speaker 5: Oh.

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Speaker 2: She said that alleviating the pressure and kind of taking

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Speaker 2: the sex back for herself made her feel better about it.

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Speaker 2: And that's what I mean by needing to learn how

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Speaker 2: to do casual sex right, I as you if you

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Speaker 2: listened to this podcast for years, haven't been the greatest

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Speaker 2: at it. When I'm good at it, I'm good. I

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Speaker 2: fall in love too quick, Yes she does. I'm meeting

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Speaker 2: my casual sex partners and it's turning into a casual

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Speaker 2: sex as a result of us not being a good match.

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Speaker 1: That is why I get to see.

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Speaker 5: Let me tell you, got you what girls do when

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Speaker 5: they meet somebody that you're When you meet a man

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Speaker 5: and you're attracted to him and the physical is good,

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Speaker 5: you see your whole future, You see your wedding, you

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Speaker 5: see your kids because that person made you feel so comfortable,

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Speaker 5: you had picked out a perfect man. Now that picket

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Speaker 5: fence going up and everything else falls out the window.

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Speaker 4: You don't see red flags.

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Speaker 2: And we and again when it decides not to be

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Speaker 2: a match, but they're still good enough to fuck, you

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Speaker 2: still have this thing in your head like, but what

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Speaker 2: if that's the problem. We should be looking at casual

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Speaker 2: sex partners as for her own pleasure. Stop saying things like, well,

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Speaker 2: if you have sex with them, it's just for them,

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Speaker 2: or you're just another number for them. You also could

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Speaker 2: be using these men for experiences and pleasure and fun learn.

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Speaker 1: I agree. I do want to add to that though.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's important to if you're gonna engage in casual

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Speaker 3: sex that you want to fuck too, and you're not doing.

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Speaker 1: It just because he's pressuring.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, about you knowing what you want, branding it and

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Speaker 3: expressing it andating it and making sure that it's fulfilling

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Speaker 3: for both parties.

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Speaker 1: Like, yeah, well, the only.

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Speaker 5: Way you could feel used is if you make yourself

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Speaker 5: feel used. It doesn't just happen like man's feel she's

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Speaker 5: saying more or less like she's feeling like that's because.

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Speaker 4: She let herself feel like that. She's got to stop,

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Speaker 4: not to stop.

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Speaker 2: Caf flighter, and mother is saying, you made yourself feel

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Speaker 2: like a oh. I semi agree with that, because I've

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Speaker 2: had casual sex for men made me feel great, had

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Speaker 2: a great morning the next day or whatever, and I

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Speaker 2: was just.

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Speaker 1: Like, well, I was just in my own head.

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Speaker 3: I used to love when I had like casual sex

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Speaker 3: with someone like one of my casual sex partners. That

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Speaker 3: would make me start singing, skipping, calling my friends like beach,

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Speaker 3: oh my god, let me tell you. But normally times

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Speaker 3: casual sex only does that one it's good. Well it's

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Speaker 3: bad too bad casual like, oh, this is a waste

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Speaker 3: of bad. Casual sex will make you, It'll make you mad,

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Speaker 3: it'll make you be like you just.

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Speaker 2: Can't desert it, like I had to lift my leg

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Speaker 2: extra for that because Manny not writing.

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing any of that. Do you get on top?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 4: Boom, Absolutely, I'm not coming.

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Speaker 1: Whose daughter is it?

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Speaker 2: Anyway, y'all, If you want more conversations like this, head

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Speaker 2: on over to our patreot dot com backslash or.

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Speaker 1: Say definitely, are still giving you the sex over there?

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Speaker 2: Yes, and you can also get a fast track to

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Speaker 2: get your question to us sooner, so make sure if

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Speaker 2: you have a question that you email us Decisions Pod

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Speaker 2: at gmail dot com. And again, we're really looking forward

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Speaker 2: to seeing you guys on tour, so get your tickets

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Speaker 2: now at NHB Tour dot Calm and we.

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Speaker 3: Will see y'all next Wednesday. Wednesday, Hun Hi, Wenday wen

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Speaker 3: day Day.

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Speaker 1: Come back, Hey,