WEBVTT - 187. Falling for a friend and the friendzone 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:09.280 Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:12.280 the podcast where we talk through some of the big 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:16.880 life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:25.880 mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:27.880 Welcome back to the podcast. 0:00:28.600 --> 0:00:31.560 New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:34.600 it is so great to have you here, back for 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:37.680 another episode as we, of course break down the psychology 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:41.880 of our twenties. Oh right. We love to talk about 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:44.960 a lot of wellness topics on this podcast, of course, 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:48.839 and you know, science based tips for general holistic betterment, 0:00:48.880 --> 0:00:52.400 which I enjoy, I think we all enjoy, but sometimes 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:56.280 I also like to discuss some of the quintessential I 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:59.760 think twenty something experiences that we feel we need the 0:00:59.840 --> 0:01:03.000 end too. And I'm not just talking about like shallow 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:07.039 surface level advice, but some serious kind of like psychological 0:01:07.680 --> 0:01:10.039 understanding in order to move past what we're going through, 0:01:10.520 --> 0:01:12.720 the kind of you know, situations that keep us up 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:15.399 at night, that keep us in a thought spiral, that 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:18.040 become the center of our world for a while, even 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:20.760 if it doesn't seem that important to anybody else. And 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:23.840 today is this kind of episode I want to talk 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:26.960 about an experience that I've been getting so many requests on, 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:32.200 and that is the experience of developing feelings for a 0:01:32.240 --> 0:01:36.560 friend and kind of what goes through our heads, our 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:41.240 subconscious mind, our bodies when we find ourselves kind of 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:46.280 suddenly having this like romantic tension or feeling for someone 0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:51.720 that we've only ever thought about platonically. It's really fascinating 0:01:51.880 --> 0:01:55.560 to me when this happens, right because often we have 0:01:55.640 --> 0:01:57.160 our friends and we have the people that we are 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:00.400 romantically interested in, and it feels a bit like taboo, 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:02.280 feels a bit strange for there to be like a 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:06.880 crossover there. And there are so many instances when everything 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:09.160 just seems to like kind of take on a new light, right, 0:02:09.240 --> 0:02:11.880 Like you can't stop thinking about them, you can't stop 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:14.360 chasing after them, you start can't stop like talking about 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:17.520 them and to them, you start imagining a future together. 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:21.920 And this is somebody who has always been firmly planted 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:25.840 in like the platonic category of your mind. And I 0:02:25.919 --> 0:02:29.320 think that it can be very very strange, and we 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:34.360 have this kind of weird tension between suppressing our feelings 0:02:34.400 --> 0:02:39.520 and protecting the friendship, kind of suffering without unrequited love 0:02:39.680 --> 0:02:42.600 in silence and just kind of hoping it will go 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:47.280 away or saying something and seeing if there is a 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:53.320 potential there for a relationship. And within that, we start 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:54.880 to have a lot of fears and a lot of 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:56.600 doubts and a lot of worries, Right like, what if 0:02:56.639 --> 0:02:59.960 we ruin the friendship? What about all the other relation 0:03:00.000 --> 0:03:05.720 relationships or connections that exist around this friendship. Are we 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:08.240 going to be permanently kind of stuck in this kind 0:03:08.280 --> 0:03:12.800 of quote unquote friend zone. Are we going to experience rejection? 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:17.360 There is a lot to explore today and unsurprisingly a 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:22.320 lot of psychology and science to explain this experience, one 0:03:22.320 --> 0:03:25.880 that feels so personal and vulnerable and unique, but is 0:03:25.960 --> 0:03:29.680 actually a lot more common. So let's talk about it. 0:03:29.680 --> 0:03:31.960 We're going to talk about why it is that we 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:36.240 fall for our friends seemingly more often than you would think, 0:03:36.920 --> 0:03:39.000 and what we can do about it, What is kind 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:43.400 of the path forward through this maze of feelings. So 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:46.800 let's get into it. As I said, falling for a 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:50.400 friend is actually not that uncommon. You can breathe a 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:52.520 bit of a sigh of relief if you're finding yourself 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:56.080 in this situation knowing that you are probably not the 0:03:56.120 --> 0:03:59.120 only one. I think it's one of those classic like 0:03:59.280 --> 0:04:03.840 romantic tropes, you know, like the meet cutes, the enemies 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:08.360 to lovers, forbidden love, childhood sweethearts, falling in love with 0:04:08.400 --> 0:04:12.920 a friend. A lot of people find love and find 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:17.760 connection with those who they initially viewed quite platonically. Even 0:04:17.800 --> 0:04:21.159 in the world of dating apps and online connections, friendship 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:25.440 remains one of those core ways of I guess discovering 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:29.440 our partner. So back in twenty twenty one, a research 0:04:29.520 --> 0:04:33.680 team at the University of Victoria in Australia, they actually 0:04:33.760 --> 0:04:38.200 sought to investigate this well. They were noticing that a 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:40.440 lot of couples were having the same story like, oh, 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:42.960 we were friends first and then you know, one day 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:46.320 I just saw them differently. And when you are constantly 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:50.280 seeing a particular trend in something like relationship patterns or 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.920 the way that relationship forms, I think it's worth investigating. 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:57.520 And so they talked to over two thousand, five hundred 0:04:57.520 --> 0:05:01.000 people who were married or in de facto partner, and 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:04.080 they questioned them separately and then they questioned them together. 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:08.280 And what they found was it approximately two thirds of 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:14.840 these couples started off as friends before they became romantically involved. 0:05:15.640 --> 0:05:19.039 Two thirds. Now, that does sound like a lot, but 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:23.200 you have to remember this also includes people from older generations, 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:25.799 and it isn't just referring to the number of people 0:05:25.839 --> 0:05:28.560 that we date, right, it's talking about the number of 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:31.719 like who we end up with. So you could be 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:34.760 dating heaps of people who you meet on dating apps, 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:37.640 heaps of people who I don't know, you met through 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:41.160 work or whatever. But the people who we end up 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:44.320 together two thirds of them, the study said we were 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:48.840 initially friends with. What's even more interesting is that they 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.680 looked at how long it took for a friendship to 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:54.800 turn romantic in these situations, and they found that the 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:58.800 average length of time was about twenty two months. It's 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:02.920 almost two years of people going about their days been 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:07.120 nice and chummy and pals and friendly before kind of 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:10.719 like something's switched to something flipped in one of their minds. 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:16.120 So about sixty eight percent of these participants reported that 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:21.679 their most recent relationship as well before this relationship also 0:06:21.720 --> 0:06:25.960 began as a friendship. And this was regardless of gender, age, 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:30.839 education levels, or ethnicity. It's showing that I think that 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:33.000 really accounts for the people that we date and do 0:06:33.080 --> 0:06:35.720 not marry. It's less than the two thirds, but it's 0:06:35.760 --> 0:06:40.240 still quite significant that we are finding connection through friendship, 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:44.240 and that rate of a friend's first initiation was even 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:48.360 higher amongst twenty somethings like you and I. I'm assuming 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:53.159 and within LGBTQIA plus communities, with eighty five percent of 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:57.080 couples in this community saying that their romance began as 0:06:57.080 --> 0:07:01.680 a friendship. This number is so prizing, but I think 0:07:01.960 --> 0:07:05.800 less so when we think about the principles of attraction 0:07:06.360 --> 0:07:10.160 and what actually drives our romantic choices and our romantic 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:17.480 interest in someone, it really comes down to three factors. Proximity, similarity, 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:22.800 and reciprocity. These are the factors that really determine the 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:25.520 start of a friendship, but they also determine the start 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:29.920 of a relationship. They underline all forms of attraction, So 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:32.920 let's break these down. I think sometimes it feels a 0:07:32.960 --> 0:07:36.360 bit strange to like analyze something as beautiful and magical 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:39.800 as love through a scientific or an experimental lens. But 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:42.920 a lot of our dating choices do come down to 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:46.400 our internal psychology. So in research Conductor back in the 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:50.240 late nineties, this group of scientists kind of noticed that 0:07:50.280 --> 0:07:54.800 we are more likely to like someone and express admiration 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:57.920 and respect for them if we perceive that they are 0:07:57.960 --> 0:08:00.960 similar to us. So it's the age old saying that 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:04.560 kind of like birds of a feather flock together, and 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:08.840 it seems scientifically quite true. If someone shares similar values 0:08:08.840 --> 0:08:14.480 to us, similar interests, beliefs, hobbies, even educational background, the 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:18.400 same kind of cultural family upbringing, we are more likely 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:22.600 to fall for them because it gives us more touch 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:26.960 points or opportunities for connection, gives us more conversation topics, 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:32.800 and therefore more opportunities for vulnerability and eventually attraction. This 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:38.240 is simply known as the similarity attraction effect. We like 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:41.640 people who are like us because they feel safe, they 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:45.600 feel comfortable, they feel familiar, and there are fewer kind 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:50.160 of opportunities for tension i guess or friction or misunderstanding 0:08:50.280 --> 0:08:53.520 or having to explain ourselves because this person is so 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:57.240 alike or similar to us. It goes without saying that 0:08:57.280 --> 0:09:00.440 we don't just choose our romantic partners based on simi larity, 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:03.520 but also our friendships and so the people that we 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:08.640 inevitably become close to in a platonic capacity. Therefore, kind 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:12.679 of have the greatest opportunity to be our best kind 0:09:12.720 --> 0:09:18.080 of romantic candidates. Right, Because if the primary principle behind 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:22.320 attraction is similarity, who is more similar to us than 0:09:22.320 --> 0:09:24.040 the people that we hang out with all the time. 0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:27.400 Who is someone that we already know that we like 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:30.920 and who likes us back. It's our friends, And that's 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:34.439 why developing feelings for a friend is not as uncommon 0:09:34.480 --> 0:09:38.800 as we think. Now. The other principle comes down to proximity. Right. 0:09:38.840 --> 0:09:41.560 To put it plainly, we are more likely to develop 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:45.640 romantic feelings for someone we see frequently and who we 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:50.080 are physically or geographically close to. I know this sounds 0:09:50.320 --> 0:09:54.400 so obvious, right, we don't. It's kind of impossible to 0:09:54.440 --> 0:09:57.160 develop true attraction to someone we've never met and we've 0:09:57.160 --> 0:10:00.360 never talked to. But it's deeper than just having the 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:03.960 opportunity for feelings to develop through proximity. It seems that 0:10:04.160 --> 0:10:08.840 just being around someone or being repeatedly exposed to them 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:13.040 increases the likelihood that we will be attracted to them. 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:17.160 We also tend to feel safe with people that we 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:22.000 see regularly, and so it's likely that a lot of 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:26.440 love kind of comes down to the mere exposure effect. 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:29.760 So this is a concept that was introduced in the 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:33.520 sixties by this I kind of remember his name. Oh yeah, 0:10:33.559 --> 0:10:38.120 doctor Robert zajohnyk Zijohn. I'll leave it in the description. 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:40.440 But he did a lot of work on, once again, 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:43.880 the principles of attraction, and it's kind of like quite 0:10:43.920 --> 0:10:48.160 a reductionist theory, but he basically stipulated. He suggested that 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:51.280 anyone can fall in love with somebody else if they're 0:10:51.320 --> 0:10:54.120 around them enough. And once again, who are we around 0:10:54.120 --> 0:10:57.520 the most? Our friends? We have a lot of opportunities 0:10:57.559 --> 0:11:02.120 to make memories with these people. People we feel very 0:11:02.760 --> 0:11:08.040 familiar with their inner workings, their dreams, their quirks, their ideals, 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:11.600 the long conversations that we have, the laughter, all of 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:15.559 which are special parts of a relationship. But they also 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:20.480 form a bond, a bond that makes someone a great 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:26.160 candidate for romance if everything else kind of goes according 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:29.520 to plan. This is more likely to be the case 0:11:29.559 --> 0:11:32.120 when we imagine or we feel like the other person 0:11:32.280 --> 0:11:35.480 is returning our interests. This is known as reciprocal liking. 0:11:36.200 --> 0:11:38.800 At first that maybe in the form of friendship, right, like, oh, 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:41.800 I want to be friends with somebody who genuine shows 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:44.280 like interest in me and likes me back. But as 0:11:44.320 --> 0:11:48.200 the bond grows, because they are giving back that energy 0:11:48.800 --> 0:11:53.200 and investment that we're giving them, sometimes our perception can change, 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:56.439 and so does our interpretation of their actions. It's not 0:11:56.520 --> 0:11:58.120 just they want to hang out with us because they 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:01.680 enjoy our company. Start to apply a deeper meaning to 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:06.079 every little moment and decision and action. You know they 0:12:06.080 --> 0:12:07.560 want to hang out with us. It's not just because 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:11.920 they're our friend. It's because there's something else going on, right, 0:12:12.000 --> 0:12:15.600 and so reciprocity is one of those core principles of attraction. 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:18.440 When we are looking for a mate or someone in love, 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:22.920 we want someone who likes us back, obviously, and sometimes 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:26.360 we confuse the liking as a friend as a liking 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:30.200 in a romantic sense. All of this kind of creates 0:12:30.240 --> 0:12:32.560 the recipe for developing feelings for someone that we are 0:12:32.600 --> 0:12:36.000 friends with. We know we already have admiration and respect 0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:38.600 to them, otherwise they wouldn't be our friend. We know 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:40.720 that we are similar because we are close, that they 0:12:40.760 --> 0:12:46.520 are familiar, and you know, proximal and obviously there is reciprocity, 0:12:46.520 --> 0:12:49.920 other as the friendship wouldn't have developed in the first place. 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:53.160 And so in short, we have fulfilled what a lot 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:57.600 of psychologists call the conditions of love just by nature 0:12:57.640 --> 0:13:02.240 of being platonically. Now, a lot of what we've talked 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:06.640 about that tends to shift liking to loving really rests 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:11.079 in personality similarities. But we're also forgetting about one final thing, 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:14.160 and that is physical attraction, because that is a huge 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:17.960 component of any romantic and intimate relationship. And I think 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:19.520 it's one of the main reasons why we don't just 0:13:19.600 --> 0:13:21.520 end up dating all of our friends, right, Like, maybe 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:24.560 you don't have that kind of sexual preference, Maybe you 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:26.440 just don't see them in that way. We can't imagine 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:29.520 sleeping with them, they're not our type. But what about 0:13:29.559 --> 0:13:33.160 those situations where you've had like no kind of physical 0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:37.040 attraction for many years, You are firmly in the friend zone, 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:39.840 you travel together, you sleep in the same bed, nothing, 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:44.640 and then suddenly you start seeing things differently. It happens 0:13:45.559 --> 0:13:48.280 a lot, and I think the question that we often 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:50.600 have is like, has this always been the case? Have 0:13:50.679 --> 0:13:53.600 I just been suppressing my true feelings in order to 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:56.840 protect the friendship. Maybe I thought I didn't have a shot, 0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:00.000 Or it's because we just genuinely didn't experience the physical 0:14:00.320 --> 0:14:04.240 spark that would make us romantically interested in someone until later. 0:14:04.320 --> 0:14:07.120 And what is it that changes, Well, let me explain. 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:10.640 Each of us has a very unique set of preferences 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:14.599 around what we would like physically in a partner, or 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:18.000 at least what we know we would find appealing. So 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:23.280 a new study has suggested that beauty attraction is very 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.000 much in the eye of the beholder. About fifty percent 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:30.800 of our preferences come down to our life experiences. So 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:34.120 even identical twins who have the same genetic blueprint, they 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:39.080 typically have the same family environment and upbringing, they end up, 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:44.800 you know, sometimes dating completely different people because it comes 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:49.520 down to things like personal experiences, the media, we're exposed to, 0:14:50.040 --> 0:14:52.480 the people we meet, the things that we're interested in. 0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:55.160 You know, if you're a very active person, you may 0:14:55.280 --> 0:14:57.720 like someone who's more lean. If you're obsessed with a 0:14:57.760 --> 0:15:00.280 particular actor or boy band, you might find your self 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:03.920 having preferences that align with what these people look like. 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:07.240 As silly as it sounds, and this also tends to 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:11.200 explain why our physical preferences change over time. If it 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:16.280 comes down to personal experiences, those things obviously, you know, 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:18.920 we have more of them as we get older, and 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:22.360 so it kind of makes sense that our attraction that 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:28.320 is derived from personal experiences changes as those experiences accumulate. 0:15:28.840 --> 0:15:31.880 Perhaps you have had an experience with someone else that 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:34.640 it shifts how you think about your friend. You have 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:37.120 seen them in a new scenario, like on a trip 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:39.560 together or at a wedding or at their job, and 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:43.040 you just see them completely differently, or you're just like 0:15:43.160 --> 0:15:46.360 physical tastes change and you haven't seen them in a while, 0:15:46.880 --> 0:15:48.960 and since that time when you saw them last, they've 0:15:49.440 --> 0:15:52.680 started dressing differently, they've cut their hair. Suddenly they are 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:58.560 exactly your type, and we have this like epiphany moment 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:02.560 of like, oh my god, God, are they attractive? Am 0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:05.600 I into them? When we do reach that moment, that 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:09.800 kind of place of realization, you're probably going to enter 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:15.040 it from the gateway of denial, right, especially if that 0:16:15.200 --> 0:16:19.560 is a really valuable and important friendship to you. No 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:22.480 one likes to admit something that makes them vulnerable or 0:16:22.520 --> 0:16:26.000 could drastically change something about their life. It is shocking 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:28.880 and it creates an emotional chaos we simply don't want 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:32.040 to deal with. So your denial of your true feelings 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:34.360 when it comes to your friend kind of comes from 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:37.800 a place of self preservation. Even if everyone around you 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:40.560 is claiming that they can tell you have feelings, that 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:44.120 you have a crush, that something's changed, Admitting that to 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:48.840 yourself and others means a giving people information about your 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:51.960 personal feelings that might be quite revealing or leave you 0:16:52.000 --> 0:16:56.880 open to judgment or scrutiny, And b it requires you 0:16:56.920 --> 0:17:00.600 to either do something or just endure this kind of 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:05.879 possibility of unrequited love until it passes. But if you 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:09.280 are regularly checking up on this person on social media, 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:11.800 if you are finding that you can't stop thinking about 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:14.639 them throughout the day, that you're experiencing a lot of 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:17.080 jealousy when they talk about the people they are dating, 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:21.480 or your territorial over their time, wondering why they aren't 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.560 texting you back, always wanting to spend every day with them. 0:17:24.600 --> 0:17:28.560 If you're changing your appearance when you're around them, I 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:31.120 think that's a pretty good sign that something is shifted there. 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:34.280 So what are you going to do about it? I 0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:36.480 think that's what I want to discuss next, right is like, 0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:40.560 why can this be so difficult to manage? What are 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:43.320 the fears that we have to work through? And do 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:47.200 we admit our feelings and potentially face not having them 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:51.760 reciprocated or ending the friendship in the process, or do 0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:56.000 we just say nothing? Do we just see what happens? 0:17:56.680 --> 0:17:58.639 So I want to talk about all of that and 0:17:58.720 --> 0:18:07.960 more after this short break. Developing feelings for a friend 0:18:08.160 --> 0:18:11.840 is never the most welcome news. Actually, I think it's 0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:16.159 a mixture of many emotions, right, feelings of possibility, the anxiety, 0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:19.720 the excitement of the what if, the general like euphoria 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:23.480 and entertainment of having a crush. But we also find 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:25.480 ourselves between a bit of a rock and a hard place. 0:18:26.240 --> 0:18:28.720 What if things change and are never the same. How 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:33.200 do we manage our sense of longing and our typical 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:36.679 instinct to really imagine a future with this person whilst 0:18:36.760 --> 0:18:39.120 ensuring that we don't get ahead of ourselves doesn't blow 0:18:39.200 --> 0:18:42.359 up in our faces. We have a very keen sense 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:44.439 of what we have to lose, and I think we 0:18:44.480 --> 0:18:47.360 also understand that it's going to be tricky to navigate. 0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:51.600 So in those situations where you have become aware of 0:18:51.800 --> 0:18:55.560 a crush, I guess you have two options. The first 0:18:55.560 --> 0:18:58.879 option is that you can say nothing. This is the 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:03.280 path of least resistance. If we say nothing, we don't 0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:07.360 have to face the possibility of rejection, of loss of 0:19:07.400 --> 0:19:10.520 the let's face it, the awkwardness that might come with them, 0:19:10.880 --> 0:19:14.480 you know, confirming that our feelings are one sided. There 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:18.000 are a lot of considerations that go into managing our 0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:21.720 feelings for a friend, and it's not just about them. 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:25.480 It's also about of course wanting to protect like your 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:29.159 own heart and your own self esteem, but also I 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:33.720 think you really contemplate the network of relationships that you 0:19:33.800 --> 0:19:38.280 have built around this friendship. Admitting your feelings can create 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:42.000 tension in a friendship group because people may start to 0:19:42.119 --> 0:19:44.680 treat us and other you know, the other person differently 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:50.040 because of our obvious feelings or confession. It becomes a 0:19:50.119 --> 0:19:53.320 topic of conversation. And then if you were to say 0:19:53.320 --> 0:19:56.200 something and they say, oh, no, thanks, you might find 0:19:56.200 --> 0:20:00.480 yourself too embarrassed to be around this larger group who 0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:04.280 kind of knows that this has happened. The possibility of 0:20:04.320 --> 0:20:08.640 this presents I think a unique type of loss known 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:14.320 as social loss, the pain of losing connections as a 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:20.480 result of some event. It can leave us feeling alienated, isolated, 0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:25.000 and worst of all, quite lonely. As a species. We 0:20:25.080 --> 0:20:29.120 don't have a particularly good relationship with loneliness. We tend 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:32.520 to villainize it, and therefore we seek any alternative, even 0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:35.719 if it means avoiding our true feelings and you know, 0:20:36.000 --> 0:20:40.080 engaging in some good old fashioned suppression. But if there 0:20:40.200 --> 0:20:43.320 is I think one thing that psychology tells us about 0:20:43.400 --> 0:20:47.720 suppressing intense feelings or emotions, it's that they find a 0:20:47.720 --> 0:20:50.920 way to come out, whether that's through resentment towards your 0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:56.000 friend for not knowing about your feelings, frustration, poor concentration, 0:20:56.800 --> 0:21:00.399 needing to constantly seek advice and reassurance. I firmly believe 0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:03.240 that with most things like this, there will come a 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:06.159 time when you will need an answer to bring you 0:21:06.200 --> 0:21:09.000 some peace. You'll need to know whether there is a 0:21:09.040 --> 0:21:13.600 possibility of this being a thing. And I'm speaking from 0:21:13.640 --> 0:21:18.240 experience here. I remember having the biggest, all consuming crush 0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:20.520 on someone in my first year of university who was 0:21:20.560 --> 0:21:23.480 a good friend, and we were very enmeshed in this 0:21:23.600 --> 0:21:26.199 friend group together, and I'd formed it was really my 0:21:26.280 --> 0:21:30.119 lifeline at the time. This friend group was kind of 0:21:30.119 --> 0:21:33.320 the first big group of friends I had in you know, 0:21:33.400 --> 0:21:36.080 my first early months of moving out of home. They 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:39.920 were really important, and I spent basically the whole year 0:21:40.600 --> 0:21:44.560 pining after this person, having these small moments that felt 0:21:45.080 --> 0:21:49.320 enormous at the time, constantly wanting more and not knowing 0:21:49.320 --> 0:21:51.960 where we stood until I just had to come out 0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:54.520 and say it and get some answers, even though I 0:21:54.600 --> 0:21:58.960 kind of knew deep down that, you know, they weren't 0:21:58.960 --> 0:22:00.760 going to be the answers that I wanted. I think 0:22:00.800 --> 0:22:04.360 it was important and it was really strange for a while. 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:07.840 I'm not going to sugarcoat it, right, Like I remember 0:22:08.280 --> 0:22:10.680 a lot of those friends, like who I was previously 0:22:10.720 --> 0:22:13.399 friends with because of this person, went on like a 0:22:13.440 --> 0:22:16.760 trip together, and like I always felt that maybe if 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:19.520 I hadn't made it awkward for people, I would have 0:22:19.520 --> 0:22:22.960 been invited, or that there we were kind of force 0:22:23.040 --> 0:22:25.840 to make a choice between the person who was really 0:22:25.880 --> 0:22:29.320 deep in their emotions and really struggling and the person 0:22:29.359 --> 0:22:31.840 who was like the happy one right and who wasn't 0:22:31.880 --> 0:22:36.320 going to accords drama. And as someone who lived through 0:22:36.359 --> 0:22:39.840 that got through that, it ends up totally okay. It 0:22:40.000 --> 0:22:44.080 always works itself out, And I'm really glad that I 0:22:44.160 --> 0:22:47.960 said something. I'm really glad that even though intuitively I 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:51.480 knew that he wasn't going to date me, that we 0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:54.520 weren't going to have a future together. It was better 0:22:54.600 --> 0:22:59.280 than spending even more months, maybe even years, stuck in 0:22:59.320 --> 0:23:04.720 like fantasy and wishful thinking and kind of projecting this 0:23:04.920 --> 0:23:08.400 big fairy tale I had of him onto the version 0:23:08.440 --> 0:23:10.040 of him that didn't really exist, right like, I was 0:23:10.119 --> 0:23:16.480 only seeing the potential, and I think whilst it remained ambiguous, 0:23:17.200 --> 0:23:20.080 I could still indulge in the possibility of the what if. 0:23:20.840 --> 0:23:24.280 But the what if wasn't getting me anywhere. It wasn't 0:23:24.280 --> 0:23:26.959 doing me any favors, It wasn't allowing me to move on. 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:30.639 It certainly wasn't making me a good friend. And it 0:23:30.680 --> 0:23:33.480 was kind of a relief to hear and be like no, 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:37.879 and then we moved forward. So saying nothing is one option. 0:23:38.680 --> 0:23:41.919 Let me present you with the obvious alternative one that 0:23:42.119 --> 0:23:44.679 I just talked about. I'm sure you've all considered. You 0:23:45.040 --> 0:23:47.720 can muster up the courage to sit this person down 0:23:47.760 --> 0:23:50.760 and say, hey, things have changed for me, have they 0:23:50.840 --> 0:23:53.560 changed for you? And you can see what they come back. 0:23:53.560 --> 0:23:56.520 With a few caveats here, don't do this if they're 0:23:56.560 --> 0:23:58.800 in a relationship with someone else or fresh out of 0:23:58.800 --> 0:24:01.840 a relationship. I think that is just like a sign 0:24:01.840 --> 0:24:04.320 of disrespect to your friend, and it's not going to 0:24:04.400 --> 0:24:06.160 end well. I don't know why I felt they need 0:24:06.160 --> 0:24:08.399 to say that, but in case it wasn't obvious, you 0:24:08.400 --> 0:24:11.399 still need to respect, like have some level of decency 0:24:11.480 --> 0:24:14.760 and not just prioritize your own feelings. But besides that, 0:24:14.880 --> 0:24:17.639 I think being honest about your emotions and being vulnerable 0:24:18.160 --> 0:24:20.679 it's not going to destroy you. It's actually probably going 0:24:20.760 --> 0:24:24.040 to bring you a lot of clarity and make you stronger. 0:24:24.440 --> 0:24:28.080 The best possible scenario is that they will reciprocate everything 0:24:28.119 --> 0:24:31.760 you're telling them. They will confess their love, They're down 0:24:31.800 --> 0:24:34.720 for exploring what this could be, and it grows great, 0:24:34.760 --> 0:24:38.440 you know, happily ever after baby's marriage, all the good things. 0:24:38.480 --> 0:24:40.399