Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 2: New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world,
Speaker 2: it is so great to have you here, back for
Speaker 2: another episode as we, of course break down the psychology
Speaker 2: of our twenties. Oh right. We love to talk about
Speaker 2: a lot of wellness topics on this podcast, of course,
Speaker 2: and you know, science based tips for general holistic betterment,
Speaker 2: which I enjoy, I think we all enjoy, but sometimes
Speaker 2: I also like to discuss some of the quintessential I
Speaker 2: think twenty something experiences that we feel we need the
Speaker 2: end too. And I'm not just talking about like shallow
Speaker 2: surface level advice, but some serious kind of like psychological
Speaker 2: understanding in order to move past what we're going through,
Speaker 2: the kind of you know, situations that keep us up
Speaker 2: at night, that keep us in a thought spiral, that
Speaker 2: become the center of our world for a while, even
Speaker 2: if it doesn't seem that important to anybody else. And
Speaker 2: today is this kind of episode I want to talk
Speaker 2: about an experience that I've been getting so many requests on,
Speaker 2: and that is the experience of developing feelings for a
Speaker 2: friend and kind of what goes through our heads, our
Speaker 2: subconscious mind, our bodies when we find ourselves kind of
Speaker 2: suddenly having this like romantic tension or feeling for someone
Speaker 2: that we've only ever thought about platonically. It's really fascinating
Speaker 2: to me when this happens, right because often we have
Speaker 2: our friends and we have the people that we are
Speaker 2: romantically interested in, and it feels a bit like taboo,
Speaker 2: feels a bit strange for there to be like a
Speaker 2: crossover there. And there are so many instances when everything
Speaker 2: just seems to like kind of take on a new light, right,
Speaker 2: Like you can't stop thinking about them, you can't stop
Speaker 2: chasing after them, you start can't stop like talking about
Speaker 2: them and to them, you start imagining a future together.
Speaker 2: And this is somebody who has always been firmly planted
Speaker 2: in like the platonic category of your mind. And I
Speaker 2: think that it can be very very strange, and we
Speaker 2: have this kind of weird tension between suppressing our feelings
Speaker 2: and protecting the friendship, kind of suffering without unrequited love
Speaker 2: in silence and just kind of hoping it will go
Speaker 2: away or saying something and seeing if there is a
Speaker 2: potential there for a relationship. And within that, we start
Speaker 2: to have a lot of fears and a lot of
Speaker 2: doubts and a lot of worries, Right like, what if
Speaker 2: we ruin the friendship? What about all the other relation
Speaker 2: relationships or connections that exist around this friendship. Are we
Speaker 2: going to be permanently kind of stuck in this kind
Speaker 2: of quote unquote friend zone. Are we going to experience rejection?
Speaker 2: There is a lot to explore today and unsurprisingly a
Speaker 2: lot of psychology and science to explain this experience, one
Speaker 2: that feels so personal and vulnerable and unique, but is
Speaker 2: actually a lot more common. So let's talk about it.
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about why it is that we
Speaker 2: fall for our friends seemingly more often than you would think,
Speaker 2: and what we can do about it, What is kind
Speaker 2: of the path forward through this maze of feelings. So
Speaker 2: let's get into it. As I said, falling for a
Speaker 2: friend is actually not that uncommon. You can breathe a
Speaker 2: bit of a sigh of relief if you're finding yourself
Speaker 2: in this situation knowing that you are probably not the
Speaker 2: only one. I think it's one of those classic like
Speaker 2: romantic tropes, you know, like the meet cutes, the enemies
Speaker 2: to lovers, forbidden love, childhood sweethearts, falling in love with
Speaker 2: a friend. A lot of people find love and find
Speaker 2: connection with those who they initially viewed quite platonically. Even
Speaker 2: in the world of dating apps and online connections, friendship
Speaker 2: remains one of those core ways of I guess discovering
Speaker 2: our partner. So back in twenty twenty one, a research
Speaker 2: team at the University of Victoria in Australia, they actually
Speaker 2: sought to investigate this well. They were noticing that a
Speaker 2: lot of couples were having the same story like, oh,
Speaker 2: we were friends first and then you know, one day
Speaker 2: I just saw them differently. And when you are constantly
Speaker 2: seeing a particular trend in something like relationship patterns or
Speaker 2: the way that relationship forms, I think it's worth investigating.
Speaker 2: And so they talked to over two thousand, five hundred
Speaker 2: people who were married or in de facto partner, and
Speaker 2: they questioned them separately and then they questioned them together.
Speaker 2: And what they found was it approximately two thirds of
Speaker 2: these couples started off as friends before they became romantically involved.
Speaker 2: Two thirds. Now, that does sound like a lot, but
Speaker 2: you have to remember this also includes people from older generations,
Speaker 2: and it isn't just referring to the number of people
Speaker 2: that we date, right, it's talking about the number of
Speaker 2: like who we end up with. So you could be
Speaker 2: dating heaps of people who you meet on dating apps,
Speaker 2: heaps of people who I don't know, you met through
Speaker 2: work or whatever. But the people who we end up
Speaker 2: together two thirds of them, the study said we were
Speaker 2: initially friends with. What's even more interesting is that they
Speaker 2: looked at how long it took for a friendship to
Speaker 2: turn romantic in these situations, and they found that the
Speaker 2: average length of time was about twenty two months. It's
Speaker 2: almost two years of people going about their days been
Speaker 2: nice and chummy and pals and friendly before kind of
Speaker 2: like something's switched to something flipped in one of their minds.
Speaker 2: So about sixty eight percent of these participants reported that
Speaker 2: their most recent relationship as well before this relationship also
Speaker 2: began as a friendship. And this was regardless of gender, age,
Speaker 2: education levels, or ethnicity. It's showing that I think that
Speaker 2: really accounts for the people that we date and do
Speaker 2: not marry. It's less than the two thirds, but it's
Speaker 2: still quite significant that we are finding connection through friendship,
Speaker 2: and that rate of a friend's first initiation was even
Speaker 2: higher amongst twenty somethings like you and I. I'm assuming
Speaker 2: and within LGBTQIA plus communities, with eighty five percent of
Speaker 2: couples in this community saying that their romance began as
Speaker 2: a friendship. This number is so prizing, but I think
Speaker 2: less so when we think about the principles of attraction
Speaker 2: and what actually drives our romantic choices and our romantic
Speaker 2: interest in someone, it really comes down to three factors. Proximity, similarity,
Speaker 2: and reciprocity. These are the factors that really determine the
Speaker 2: start of a friendship, but they also determine the start
Speaker 2: of a relationship. They underline all forms of attraction, So
Speaker 2: let's break these down. I think sometimes it feels a
Speaker 2: bit strange to like analyze something as beautiful and magical
Speaker 2: as love through a scientific or an experimental lens. But
Speaker 2: a lot of our dating choices do come down to
Speaker 2: our internal psychology. So in research Conductor back in the
Speaker 2: late nineties, this group of scientists kind of noticed that
Speaker 2: we are more likely to like someone and express admiration
Speaker 2: and respect for them if we perceive that they are
Speaker 2: similar to us. So it's the age old saying that
Speaker 2: kind of like birds of a feather flock together, and
Speaker 2: it seems scientifically quite true. If someone shares similar values
Speaker 2: to us, similar interests, beliefs, hobbies, even educational background, the
Speaker 2: same kind of cultural family upbringing, we are more likely
Speaker 2: to fall for them because it gives us more touch
Speaker 2: points or opportunities for connection, gives us more conversation topics,
Speaker 2: and therefore more opportunities for vulnerability and eventually attraction. This
Speaker 2: is simply known as the similarity attraction effect. We like
Speaker 2: people who are like us because they feel safe, they
Speaker 2: feel comfortable, they feel familiar, and there are fewer kind
Speaker 2: of opportunities for tension i guess or friction or misunderstanding
Speaker 2: or having to explain ourselves because this person is so
Speaker 2: alike or similar to us. It goes without saying that
Speaker 2: we don't just choose our romantic partners based on simi larity,
Speaker 2: but also our friendships and so the people that we
Speaker 2: inevitably become close to in a platonic capacity. Therefore, kind
Speaker 2: of have the greatest opportunity to be our best kind
Speaker 2: of romantic candidates. Right, Because if the primary principle behind
Speaker 2: attraction is similarity, who is more similar to us than
Speaker 2: the people that we hang out with all the time.
Speaker 2: Who is someone that we already know that we like
Speaker 2: and who likes us back. It's our friends, And that's
Speaker 2: why developing feelings for a friend is not as uncommon
Speaker 2: as we think. Now. The other principle comes down to proximity. Right.
Speaker 2: To put it plainly, we are more likely to develop
Speaker 2: romantic feelings for someone we see frequently and who we
Speaker 2: are physically or geographically close to. I know this sounds
Speaker 2: so obvious, right, we don't. It's kind of impossible to
Speaker 2: develop true attraction to someone we've never met and we've
Speaker 2: never talked to. But it's deeper than just having the
Speaker 2: opportunity for feelings to develop through proximity. It seems that
Speaker 2: just being around someone or being repeatedly exposed to them
Speaker 2: increases the likelihood that we will be attracted to them.
Speaker 2: We also tend to feel safe with people that we
Speaker 2: see regularly, and so it's likely that a lot of
Speaker 2: love kind of comes down to the mere exposure effect.
Speaker 2: So this is a concept that was introduced in the
Speaker 2: sixties by this I kind of remember his name. Oh yeah,
Speaker 2: doctor Robert zajohnyk Zijohn. I'll leave it in the description.
Speaker 2: But he did a lot of work on, once again,
Speaker 2: the principles of attraction, and it's kind of like quite
Speaker 2: a reductionist theory, but he basically stipulated. He suggested that
Speaker 2: anyone can fall in love with somebody else if they're
Speaker 2: around them enough. And once again, who are we around
Speaker 2: the most? Our friends? We have a lot of opportunities
Speaker 2: to make memories with these people. People we feel very
Speaker 2: familiar with their inner workings, their dreams, their quirks, their ideals,
Speaker 2: the long conversations that we have, the laughter, all of
Speaker 2: which are special parts of a relationship. But they also
Speaker 2: form a bond, a bond that makes someone a great
Speaker 2: candidate for romance if everything else kind of goes according
Speaker 2: to plan. This is more likely to be the case
Speaker 2: when we imagine or we feel like the other person
Speaker 2: is returning our interests. This is known as reciprocal liking.
Speaker 2: At first that maybe in the form of friendship, right, like, oh,
Speaker 2: I want to be friends with somebody who genuine shows
Speaker 2: like interest in me and likes me back. But as
Speaker 2: the bond grows, because they are giving back that energy
Speaker 2: and investment that we're giving them, sometimes our perception can change,
Speaker 2: and so does our interpretation of their actions. It's not
Speaker 2: just they want to hang out with us because they
Speaker 2: enjoy our company. Start to apply a deeper meaning to
Speaker 2: every little moment and decision and action. You know they
Speaker 2: want to hang out with us. It's not just because
Speaker 2: they're our friend. It's because there's something else going on, right,
Speaker 2: and so reciprocity is one of those core principles of attraction.
Speaker 2: When we are looking for a mate or someone in love,
Speaker 2: we want someone who likes us back, obviously, and sometimes
Speaker 2: we confuse the liking as a friend as a liking
Speaker 2: in a romantic sense. All of this kind of creates
Speaker 2: the recipe for developing feelings for someone that we are
Speaker 2: friends with. We know we already have admiration and respect
Speaker 2: to them, otherwise they wouldn't be our friend. We know
Speaker 2: that we are similar because we are close, that they
Speaker 2: are familiar, and you know, proximal and obviously there is reciprocity,
Speaker 2: other as the friendship wouldn't have developed in the first place.
Speaker 2: And so in short, we have fulfilled what a lot
Speaker 2: of psychologists call the conditions of love just by nature
Speaker 2: of being platonically. Now, a lot of what we've talked
Speaker 2: about that tends to shift liking to loving really rests
Speaker 2: in personality similarities. But we're also forgetting about one final thing,
Speaker 2: and that is physical attraction, because that is a huge
Speaker 2: component of any romantic and intimate relationship. And I think
Speaker 2: it's one of the main reasons why we don't just
Speaker 2: end up dating all of our friends, right, Like, maybe
Speaker 2: you don't have that kind of sexual preference, Maybe you
Speaker 2: just don't see them in that way. We can't imagine
Speaker 2: sleeping with them, they're not our type. But what about
Speaker 2: those situations where you've had like no kind of physical
Speaker 2: attraction for many years, You are firmly in the friend zone,
Speaker 2: you travel together, you sleep in the same bed, nothing,
Speaker 2: and then suddenly you start seeing things differently. It happens
Speaker 2: a lot, and I think the question that we often
Speaker 2: have is like, has this always been the case? Have
Speaker 2: I just been suppressing my true feelings in order to
Speaker 2: protect the friendship. Maybe I thought I didn't have a shot,
Speaker 2: Or it's because we just genuinely didn't experience the physical
Speaker 2: spark that would make us romantically interested in someone until later.
Speaker 2: And what is it that changes, Well, let me explain.
Speaker 2: Each of us has a very unique set of preferences
Speaker 2: around what we would like physically in a partner, or
Speaker 2: at least what we know we would find appealing. So
Speaker 2: a new study has suggested that beauty attraction is very
Speaker 2: much in the eye of the beholder. About fifty percent
Speaker 2: of our preferences come down to our life experiences. So
Speaker 2: even identical twins who have the same genetic blueprint, they
Speaker 2: typically have the same family environment and upbringing, they end up,
Speaker 2: you know, sometimes dating completely different people because it comes
Speaker 2: down to things like personal experiences, the media, we're exposed to,
Speaker 2: the people we meet, the things that we're interested in.
Speaker 2: You know, if you're a very active person, you may
Speaker 2: like someone who's more lean. If you're obsessed with a
Speaker 2: particular actor or boy band, you might find your self
Speaker 2: having preferences that align with what these people look like.
Speaker 2: As silly as it sounds, and this also tends to
Speaker 2: explain why our physical preferences change over time. If it
Speaker 2: comes down to personal experiences, those things obviously, you know,
Speaker 2: we have more of them as we get older, and
Speaker 2: so it kind of makes sense that our attraction that
Speaker 2: is derived from personal experiences changes as those experiences accumulate.
Speaker 2: Perhaps you have had an experience with someone else that
Speaker 2: it shifts how you think about your friend. You have
Speaker 2: seen them in a new scenario, like on a trip
Speaker 2: together or at a wedding or at their job, and
Speaker 2: you just see them completely differently, or you're just like
Speaker 2: physical tastes change and you haven't seen them in a while,
Speaker 2: and since that time when you saw them last, they've
Speaker 2: started dressing differently, they've cut their hair. Suddenly they are
Speaker 2: exactly your type, and we have this like epiphany moment
Speaker 2: of like, oh my god, God, are they attractive? Am
Speaker 2: I into them? When we do reach that moment, that
Speaker 2: kind of place of realization, you're probably going to enter
Speaker 2: it from the gateway of denial, right, especially if that
Speaker 2: is a really valuable and important friendship to you. No
Speaker 2: one likes to admit something that makes them vulnerable or
Speaker 2: could drastically change something about their life. It is shocking
Speaker 2: and it creates an emotional chaos we simply don't want
Speaker 2: to deal with. So your denial of your true feelings
Speaker 2: when it comes to your friend kind of comes from
Speaker 2: a place of self preservation. Even if everyone around you
Speaker 2: is claiming that they can tell you have feelings, that
Speaker 2: you have a crush, that something's changed, Admitting that to
Speaker 2: yourself and others means a giving people information about your
Speaker 2: personal feelings that might be quite revealing or leave you
Speaker 2: open to judgment or scrutiny, And b it requires you
Speaker 2: to either do something or just endure this kind of
Speaker 2: possibility of unrequited love until it passes. But if you
Speaker 2: are regularly checking up on this person on social media,
Speaker 2: if you are finding that you can't stop thinking about
Speaker 2: them throughout the day, that you're experiencing a lot of
Speaker 2: jealousy when they talk about the people they are dating,
Speaker 2: or your territorial over their time, wondering why they aren't
Speaker 2: texting you back, always wanting to spend every day with them.
Speaker 2: If you're changing your appearance when you're around them, I
Speaker 2: think that's a pretty good sign that something is shifted there.
Speaker 2: So what are you going to do about it? I
Speaker 2: think that's what I want to discuss next, right is like,
Speaker 2: why can this be so difficult to manage? What are
Speaker 2: the fears that we have to work through? And do
Speaker 2: we admit our feelings and potentially face not having them
Speaker 2: reciprocated or ending the friendship in the process, or do
Speaker 2: we just say nothing? Do we just see what happens?
Speaker 2: So I want to talk about all of that and
Speaker 2: more after this short break. Developing feelings for a friend
Speaker 2: is never the most welcome news. Actually, I think it's
Speaker 2: a mixture of many emotions, right, feelings of possibility, the anxiety,
Speaker 2: the excitement of the what if, the general like euphoria
Speaker 2: and entertainment of having a crush. But we also find
Speaker 2: ourselves between a bit of a rock and a hard place.
Speaker 2: What if things change and are never the same. How
Speaker 2: do we manage our sense of longing and our typical
Speaker 2: instinct to really imagine a future with this person whilst
Speaker 2: ensuring that we don't get ahead of ourselves doesn't blow
Speaker 2: up in our faces. We have a very keen sense
Speaker 2: of what we have to lose, and I think we
Speaker 2: also understand that it's going to be tricky to navigate.
Speaker 2: So in those situations where you have become aware of
Speaker 2: a crush, I guess you have two options. The first
Speaker 2: option is that you can say nothing. This is the
Speaker 2: path of least resistance. If we say nothing, we don't
Speaker 2: have to face the possibility of rejection, of loss of
Speaker 2: the let's face it, the awkwardness that might come with them,
Speaker 2: you know, confirming that our feelings are one sided. There
Speaker 2: are a lot of considerations that go into managing our
Speaker 2: feelings for a friend, and it's not just about them.
Speaker 2: It's also about of course wanting to protect like your
Speaker 2: own heart and your own self esteem, but also I
Speaker 2: think you really contemplate the network of relationships that you
Speaker 2: have built around this friendship. Admitting your feelings can create
Speaker 2: tension in a friendship group because people may start to
Speaker 2: treat us and other you know, the other person differently
Speaker 2: because of our obvious feelings or confession. It becomes a
Speaker 2: topic of conversation. And then if you were to say
Speaker 2: something and they say, oh, no, thanks, you might find
Speaker 2: yourself too embarrassed to be around this larger group who
Speaker 2: kind of knows that this has happened. The possibility of
Speaker 2: this presents I think a unique type of loss known
Speaker 2: as social loss, the pain of losing connections as a
Speaker 2: result of some event. It can leave us feeling alienated, isolated,
Speaker 2: and worst of all, quite lonely. As a species. We
Speaker 2: don't have a particularly good relationship with loneliness. We tend
Speaker 2: to villainize it, and therefore we seek any alternative, even
Speaker 2: if it means avoiding our true feelings and you know,
Speaker 2: engaging in some good old fashioned suppression. But if there
Speaker 2: is I think one thing that psychology tells us about
Speaker 2: suppressing intense feelings or emotions, it's that they find a
Speaker 2: way to come out, whether that's through resentment towards your
Speaker 2: friend for not knowing about your feelings, frustration, poor concentration,
Speaker 2: needing to constantly seek advice and reassurance. I firmly believe
Speaker 2: that with most things like this, there will come a
Speaker 2: time when you will need an answer to bring you
Speaker 2: some peace. You'll need to know whether there is a
Speaker 2: possibility of this being a thing. And I'm speaking from
Speaker 2: experience here. I remember having the biggest, all consuming crush
Speaker 2: on someone in my first year of university who was
Speaker 2: a good friend, and we were very enmeshed in this
Speaker 2: friend group together, and I'd formed it was really my
Speaker 2: lifeline at the time. This friend group was kind of
Speaker 2: the first big group of friends I had in you know,
Speaker 2: my first early months of moving out of home. They
Speaker 2: were really important, and I spent basically the whole year
Speaker 2: pining after this person, having these small moments that felt
Speaker 2: enormous at the time, constantly wanting more and not knowing
Speaker 2: where we stood until I just had to come out
Speaker 2: and say it and get some answers, even though I
Speaker 2: kind of knew deep down that, you know, they weren't
Speaker 2: going to be the answers that I wanted. I think
Speaker 2: it was important and it was really strange for a while.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to sugarcoat it, right, Like I remember
Speaker 2: a lot of those friends, like who I was previously
Speaker 2: friends with because of this person, went on like a
Speaker 2: trip together, and like I always felt that maybe if
Speaker 2: I hadn't made it awkward for people, I would have
Speaker 2: been invited, or that there we were kind of force
Speaker 2: to make a choice between the person who was really
Speaker 2: deep in their emotions and really struggling and the person
Speaker 2: who was like the happy one right and who wasn't
Speaker 2: going to accords drama. And as someone who lived through
Speaker 2: that got through that, it ends up totally okay. It
Speaker 2: always works itself out, And I'm really glad that I
Speaker 2: said something. I'm really glad that even though intuitively I
Speaker 2: knew that he wasn't going to date me, that we
Speaker 2: weren't going to have a future together. It was better
Speaker 2: than spending even more months, maybe even years, stuck in
Speaker 2: like fantasy and wishful thinking and kind of projecting this
Speaker 2: big fairy tale I had of him onto the version
Speaker 2: of him that didn't really exist, right like, I was
Speaker 2: only seeing the potential, and I think whilst it remained ambiguous,
Speaker 2: I could still indulge in the possibility of the what if.
Speaker 2: But the what if wasn't getting me anywhere. It wasn't
Speaker 2: doing me any favors, It wasn't allowing me to move on.
Speaker 2: It certainly wasn't making me a good friend. And it
Speaker 2: was kind of a relief to hear and be like no,
Speaker 2: and then we moved forward. So saying nothing is one option.
Speaker 2: Let me present you with the obvious alternative one that
Speaker 2: I just talked about. I'm sure you've all considered. You
Speaker 2: can muster up the courage to sit this person down
Speaker 2: and say, hey, things have changed for me, have they
Speaker 2: changed for you? And you can see what they come back.
Speaker 2: With a few caveats here, don't do this if they're
Speaker 2: in a relationship with someone else or fresh out of
Speaker 2: a relationship. I think that is just like a sign
Speaker 2: of disrespect to your friend, and it's not going to
Speaker 2: end well. I don't know why I felt they need
Speaker 2: to say that, but in case it wasn't obvious, you
Speaker 2: still need to respect, like have some level of decency
Speaker 2: and not just prioritize your own feelings. But besides that,
Speaker 2: I think being honest about your emotions and being vulnerable
Speaker 2: it's not going to destroy you. It's actually probably going
Speaker 2: to bring you a lot of clarity and make you stronger.
Speaker 2: The best possible scenario is that they will reciprocate everything
Speaker 2: you're telling them. They will confess their love, They're down
Speaker 2: for exploring what this could be, and it grows great,
Speaker 2: you know, happily ever after baby's marriage, all the good things.
Speaker 2: You're part of that two thirds of people who end
Speaker 2: up with a friend, And I think it's almost like
Speaker 2: a new chapter, right. You already know each other as friends,
Speaker 2: but then you have to get to know each other
Speaker 2: as romantic partners, and that may take some time adjusting
Speaker 2: because it is a whole new level of intimacy. So
Speaker 2: obviously a lot of honest conversations about your feelings and intentions.
Speaker 2: Hopefully you're on the same page. I think even this
Speaker 2: can be scary, Even getting like the yes can be
Speaker 2: scary because what if it doesn't work out and you've
Speaker 2: lost both a good friend and a love interest and
Speaker 2: a partner. That is a particular kind of loss in there.
Speaker 2: I think that's a two in one breakup, which would
Speaker 2: just be so difficult. It might also not be completely
Speaker 2: smooth sailing right, Like you might sleep together once, be like,
Speaker 2: I don't know if that's working out, have a bit
Speaker 2: more of a back and forth. You know, you both
Speaker 2: had feelings together. That is a whole different situation that
Speaker 2: I think it's so nuanced and difficult because then it's
Speaker 2: kind of like you have an answer. You know that
Speaker 2: this person likes you like them back, but maybe you're
Speaker 2: just not meant to work out, Like maybe you're just
Speaker 2: not meant to be together, And that is the conclusion
Speaker 2: that you needed to know. At least you gave it
Speaker 2: to gave it a try, Like at least you're not
Speaker 2: left with the hypothetical, You're not left with the what if.
Speaker 2: The other scenario is that we are put in the
Speaker 2: friend zone.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 2: The friend zone I think is more of a pop
Speaker 2: culture reference than a scientific term, but it does help
Speaker 2: to explain what occurs here in which someone is communicating
Speaker 2: that they explicitly see you in the category of friend
Speaker 2: rather than partner. The friend zone is an interesting concept
Speaker 2: because it's a lot more common in cross gender friendships
Speaker 2: between men and women, and according to some psychologists, the
Speaker 2: term is used a lot more by men when they
Speaker 2: have been rejected by a woman who showed no romantic
Speaker 2: interest in them in this way. I think it's a
Speaker 2: bit controversial because a lot of feminist writers and thinkers
Speaker 2: tend to think of it as like a concept to
Speaker 2: soothe male feelings of rejection, and it is kind of
Speaker 2: associated with this idea that men see friendship with women
Speaker 2: as offering some kind of sexual reward if they are
Speaker 2: nice enough to them. But when we take away that
Speaker 2: gendered lens, I think the friend zone is really just
Speaker 2: an assertion of person and all boundaries around where people
Speaker 2: see the relationship relationship kind of existing in the grand
Speaker 2: scheme and spectrum of relationships. When we confess our feelings
Speaker 2: this is often this is an area that we don't want.
Speaker 2: I think it's the fear of rejection that is particularly
Speaker 2: scary in this situation. Rejection is painful on a social level,
Speaker 2: but also on a physical and neurological level. The experience
Speaker 2: of being shut down or pushed away elicits the same
Speaker 2: kind of reactions we have in response to a physically
Speaker 2: painful stimuli, like a beasting or grazing our knee or
Speaker 2: breaking a bone. That's because it ignites the same areas
Speaker 2: of our brains that are responsible for interpreting and processing
Speaker 2: physical pain. We want to avoid that pain. So when
Speaker 2: it occurs, when you've been brave, you've put yourself out there,
Speaker 2: and you've been met with a less than ideal answer,
Speaker 2: the first thing you are going to be feeling is regret,
Speaker 2: maybe embarrassment, and then probably most likely fear that we've
Speaker 2: said things we can't take back that are going to
Speaker 2: permeate and perhaps all to the friendship forever. That's the
Speaker 2: risk we take in these situations. I think when someone
Speaker 2: doesn't reciprocate our feelings, it's essentially now an experience of
Speaker 2: unrequited love, the emotions, the romantic intimacy that only goes
Speaker 2: one way. That's particularly hard, I think, because feelings of
Speaker 2: love are obviously meant to be shared, and it's okay
Speaker 2: to grieve your idea of what this person could have
Speaker 2: been and what you wanted them to be. It doesn't
Speaker 2: mean that they still like you in a friendship capacity,
Speaker 2: but maybe you do need to take some distance for
Speaker 2: yourself as you heal. That would be my biggest piece
Speaker 2: of advice is to take a few weeks apart so
Speaker 2: you can think of a way forward. Even if you
Speaker 2: can stay friends, I think it's still important to have
Speaker 2: a bit of like a cooling down period for yourself
Speaker 2: to actually think about it and to think about how
Speaker 2: difficult these unrequired emotions might be and how you're gonna manage.
Speaker 2: I think most of the time we have this impulse
Speaker 2: to kind of keep face and pretend it doesn't bother
Speaker 2: us and just like hope everything goes back to the
Speaker 2: way it was by forcing the same kind of reactions
Speaker 2: and interactions that we used to have. I would advise
Speaker 2: against this because feelings don't disappear the moment, they aren't reciprocated.
Speaker 2: They stay with us, and we often have a lot
Speaker 2: of expectations that maybe this person might eventually change their mind.
Speaker 2: You have to trust that this person knows what they
Speaker 2: want and knows what's right for them, Even if it's
Speaker 2: painful for you, try not to get stuck in the
Speaker 2: mental loop of questioning their decision, questioning their answer. Is
Speaker 2: it because I'm not their type? What's wrong with me physically?
Speaker 2: Am I not good enough? It's definitely an now line
Speaker 2: of thinking. We like to overly examine our perceived failures
Speaker 2: to prevent them from occurring again, or to try and
Speaker 2: come up with some cure or a solution, But often
Speaker 2: it just gets us stuck in a pretty deep mental hole,
Speaker 2: one that is filled with a lot of self doubt,
Speaker 2: a lot of insecurity. Just because this person didn't pick
Speaker 2: you doesn't mean that no one will, but it can
Speaker 2: be really hard to see that when we're shouldering a
Speaker 2: lot of deep pain. This is why, again I recommend
Speaker 2: giving yourself some space, let yourself feel disappointed, let yourself
Speaker 2: mourn for a little bit, and then start to think
Speaker 2: about your future as friends and whether that relationship can
Speaker 2: be maintained. I think that it's important to try to
Speaker 2: focus on the friendship that is at the heart of
Speaker 2: this experience. Right Like, you like them for a reason
Speaker 2: because they are a good person. But are you going
Speaker 2: to be satisfied with not having everything, with just having
Speaker 2: the part that is platonic. That is a question that
Speaker 2: I think you have to answer for yourself. But while
Speaker 2: you're thinking it through, I want to give you five
Speaker 2: tips for dealing with this situation from beginning to end.
Speaker 2: I think when you first notice that you've developed feelings
Speaker 2: for a friend, stop and pause. Do you actually like
Speaker 2: this person or are they just the only person around?
Speaker 2: This is sometimes a very real possibility, as the proximity
Speaker 2: principle tells us, sometimes all attraction takes is physical closeness
Speaker 2: to set up a whole chain of reactions. So pause
Speaker 2: and consider whether this person would actually make you happy
Speaker 2: in the long term, whether you are stretching your imagination
Speaker 2: a little bit too much, or whether you are just
Speaker 2: seeing potential when there isn't anything actually there. Dating in
Speaker 2: our twenties is really hard. First dates suck, blind dates
Speaker 2: are even worse. The constant small talk, rejection, the heartbreak.
Speaker 2: It can feel like a lot, And so some times,
Speaker 2: when we've been through a lot of that, we seek
Speaker 2: comfort in the things that we know, which is this
Speaker 2: friend that we know will never harm us. But it
Speaker 2: doesn't necessarily mean that just because you're good friends that
Speaker 2: a relationship with them would work out that they are
Speaker 2: the right person for you. So I would say, honestly,
Speaker 2: look at this person's personality, look at their character, look
Speaker 2: at their behavior. Are they really as wonderful as you
Speaker 2: think they are? Do you think that your life would
Speaker 2: be perfect with this person or is there maybe someone
Speaker 2: else out there? And that's my second point. Give yourself
Speaker 2: some space to date elsewhere. Don't date looking for distraction,
Speaker 2: but to look for possibility. Sometimes we become very obsessive
Speaker 2: when we have one person in mine and we have
Speaker 2: decided that they are the one. And maybe I sound pessimistic,
Speaker 2: but I think that we have more than just one
Speaker 2: person out there who is compatible with us, who would
Speaker 2: make us happy. So don't limit yourself before you know
Speaker 2: how they feel. Don't don't close yourself off into like
Speaker 2: this space of compulsion and obsession towards this person. Keep
Speaker 2: the doors open, keep your mind open to the possibility
Speaker 2: of someone else, and don't wait for them to act
Speaker 2: or to ask you how you're feeling. Be an active
Speaker 2: player here, get yourself some answers so that you can
Speaker 2: move forward in whatever the direction this relationship is going
Speaker 2: to take. You have to be brave to go after
Speaker 2: what you want in life in any capacity, and the
Speaker 2: answer is always going to be no unless you ask,
Speaker 2: in which case, yeah, you know, it might still be
Speaker 2: a no. But how can you really confirm that if
Speaker 2: you never say anything, if you never speak up. I
Speaker 2: think that speaking your truth is one of the greatest
Speaker 2: gifts that you can give yourself. If it doesn't give
Speaker 2: you a relationship, at least it will give you answers
Speaker 2: for those times when things haven't gone the way that
Speaker 2: you want them to. I cannot stress this enough. Treat
Speaker 2: it like a breakup, or like any other kind of
Speaker 2: romantic loss or rejection. When we shame ourselves out of
Speaker 2: big emotions, what we are enduring is called disenfranchised grief,
Speaker 2: and that is a kind of loss that is not
Speaker 2: openly acknowledged and accepted, despite its still being painful for
Speaker 2: the person experiencing it. In this case, you remember, it's
Speaker 2: okay to miss them. It's okay to be sad about
Speaker 2: the possibility that you saw and the future that you imagined.
Speaker 2: But it doesn't mean that they are the one. It's
Speaker 2: just the result of a bond of attachment of our
Speaker 2: memory flare ups. You know, our brains are weirdly wired
Speaker 2: to bring up old memories and information when it's not useful.
Speaker 2: So it doesn't mean that you've like missed out right
Speaker 2: just because you're thinking about this person, just because they're
Speaker 2: in their brain is no, there's no deeper meaning in that.
Speaker 2: There's no deeper fate that you've missed out on. I
Speaker 2: think it's just our natural reaction to not just rejection,
Speaker 2: but also to a disruption in our attachment. Wanting to
Speaker 2: reach out doesn't make you weak. Mourning something that never
Speaker 2: was doesn't make you crazy. I hate that word. You
Speaker 2: are just a human with a lot of big emotions.
Speaker 2: You are so sensitive, and you have a lot of
Speaker 2: love to give, and I think that capacity to love
Speaker 2: others is very rare and very beautiful and should be celebrated,
Speaker 2: especially during a time where I think everyone really wants
Speaker 2: to play games and keep things close to their chest.
Speaker 2: It's honestly so radical to be so open with your
Speaker 2: love and your feelings for others. And I always think
Speaker 2: it's the people who are told they love too much,
Speaker 2: who give too much to others, who struggle the most
Speaker 2: in dating. But they are the ones who experience the
Speaker 2: deepest and most gorgeous, delicate human emotions. And feelings and
Speaker 2: passion when they find the right person. This person is
Speaker 2: not the right person. They are not the one, even
Speaker 2: though you have this attachment to them, even though you
Speaker 2: have this connection. But when you do find this person
Speaker 2: who is for you, think about how amazing it's going
Speaker 2: to feel. And this current experience, what you're going through
Speaker 2: is just a chapter in your story. It's something to
Speaker 2: perhaps one day laugh about, and you'll soon really realize
Speaker 2: that it's part of the journey that gets you to
Speaker 2: where you need to be going. So in that space
Speaker 2: between now and then, do things you know will help
Speaker 2: you heal. Give yourself space to focus on your own
Speaker 2: self growth, getting really deep into your goals, your hobbies,
Speaker 2: anything to get you thinking about something other than this person.
Speaker 2: Consciously shift your thoughts from returning again and again to
Speaker 2: your friend and what could have been, to what your
Speaker 2: life will be. If you take all of that energy
Speaker 2: and you spend it on yourself. You just want to say,
Speaker 2: I am sending a whole lot of love personally. I
Speaker 2: know it's really difficult. I know that you get really
Speaker 2: really wrapped up in what could be and what is,
Speaker 2: and it feels like you're never going to get over
Speaker 2: this person. It feels like this is going to destroy you.
Speaker 2: I've lived through it. It doesn't. It gets better. You will
Speaker 2: recover from this. It will just be part of this
Speaker 2: great story that is expanding out in front of you.
Speaker 2: And maybe it does work out, in which case that's fantastic.
Speaker 2: You will join this huge group of people who do meet,
Speaker 2: you know, the loves of their lives as friends. And
Speaker 2: I think that's just like a wonderful part of human
Speaker 2: connection and human relationships is that we have the capacity
Speaker 2: to really form these really meaningful relationships both platonically and romantically.
Speaker 2: Just because something isn't romantic doesn't mean that it's not
Speaker 2: platonically valuable. That's something I also want you to remember.
Speaker 2: So again, lots of love, lots of healing, lots of strength.
Speaker 2: You will do what is best for you and I'm
Speaker 2: hoping that you get the outcome that you deserve, and
Speaker 2: if not, you have the everything that you need to
Speaker 2: move on and to move forward. So thank you so
Speaker 2: much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it,
Speaker 2: please feel free to leave a five star review on
Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, make sure
Speaker 2: you're following along for when new episodes come out. There's
Speaker 2: some pretty good ones coming out soon, some special guest episodes,
Speaker 2: and if you have a episode suggestion, if you want
Speaker 2: to tell me a story about the person that you've
Speaker 2: fallen in love with who might be a friend, maybe
Speaker 2: a situation where this has worked out, please send me
Speaker 2: a DM at that Psychology podcast. I would love to
Speaker 2: hear from you, and as always, stay kind and be
Speaker 2: gentle to yourselves until next time.