1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,880 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. 6 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 2: New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, 7 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,600 Speaker 2: it is so great to have you here, back for 8 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 2: another episode as we, of course break down the psychology 9 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,880 Speaker 2: of our twenties. Oh right. We love to talk about 10 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 2: a lot of wellness topics on this podcast, of course, 11 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,839 Speaker 2: and you know, science based tips for general holistic betterment, 12 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 2: which I enjoy, I think we all enjoy, but sometimes 13 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 2: I also like to discuss some of the quintessential I 14 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,760 Speaker 2: think twenty something experiences that we feel we need the 15 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 2: end too. And I'm not just talking about like shallow 16 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 2: surface level advice, but some serious kind of like psychological 17 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,039 Speaker 2: understanding in order to move past what we're going through, 18 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 2: the kind of you know, situations that keep us up 19 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,399 Speaker 2: at night, that keep us in a thought spiral, that 20 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,040 Speaker 2: become the center of our world for a while, even 21 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 2: if it doesn't seem that important to anybody else. And 22 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,840 Speaker 2: today is this kind of episode I want to talk 23 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,960 Speaker 2: about an experience that I've been getting so many requests on, 24 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:32,200 Speaker 2: and that is the experience of developing feelings for a 25 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 2: friend and kind of what goes through our heads, our 26 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 2: subconscious mind, our bodies when we find ourselves kind of 27 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 2: suddenly having this like romantic tension or feeling for someone 28 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:51,720 Speaker 2: that we've only ever thought about platonically. It's really fascinating 29 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 2: to me when this happens, right because often we have 30 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 2: our friends and we have the people that we are 31 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 2: romantically interested in, and it feels a bit like taboo, 32 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 2: feels a bit strange for there to be like a 33 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 2: crossover there. And there are so many instances when everything 34 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 2: just seems to like kind of take on a new light, right, 35 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 2: Like you can't stop thinking about them, you can't stop 36 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 2: chasing after them, you start can't stop like talking about 37 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 2: them and to them, you start imagining a future together. 38 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,920 Speaker 2: And this is somebody who has always been firmly planted 39 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 2: in like the platonic category of your mind. And I 40 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 2: think that it can be very very strange, and we 41 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:34,360 Speaker 2: have this kind of weird tension between suppressing our feelings 42 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 2: and protecting the friendship, kind of suffering without unrequited love 43 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 2: in silence and just kind of hoping it will go 44 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:47,280 Speaker 2: away or saying something and seeing if there is a 45 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:53,320 Speaker 2: potential there for a relationship. And within that, we start 46 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 2: to have a lot of fears and a lot of 47 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,600 Speaker 2: doubts and a lot of worries, Right like, what if 48 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 2: we ruin the friendship? What about all the other relation 49 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 2: relationships or connections that exist around this friendship. Are we 50 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,240 Speaker 2: going to be permanently kind of stuck in this kind 51 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 2: of quote unquote friend zone. Are we going to experience rejection? 52 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,360 Speaker 2: There is a lot to explore today and unsurprisingly a 53 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 2: lot of psychology and science to explain this experience, one 54 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,880 Speaker 2: that feels so personal and vulnerable and unique, but is 55 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,680 Speaker 2: actually a lot more common. So let's talk about it. 56 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 2: We're going to talk about why it is that we 57 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:36,240 Speaker 2: fall for our friends seemingly more often than you would think, 58 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 2: and what we can do about it, What is kind 59 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:43,400 Speaker 2: of the path forward through this maze of feelings. So 60 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,800 Speaker 2: let's get into it. As I said, falling for a 61 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 2: friend is actually not that uncommon. You can breathe a 62 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 2: bit of a sigh of relief if you're finding yourself 63 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 2: in this situation knowing that you are probably not the 64 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,120 Speaker 2: only one. I think it's one of those classic like 65 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,840 Speaker 2: romantic tropes, you know, like the meet cutes, the enemies 66 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:08,360 Speaker 2: to lovers, forbidden love, childhood sweethearts, falling in love with 67 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 2: a friend. A lot of people find love and find 68 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 2: connection with those who they initially viewed quite platonically. Even 69 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,159 Speaker 2: in the world of dating apps and online connections, friendship 70 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:25,440 Speaker 2: remains one of those core ways of I guess discovering 71 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 2: our partner. So back in twenty twenty one, a research 72 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 2: team at the University of Victoria in Australia, they actually 73 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 2: sought to investigate this well. They were noticing that a 74 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,440 Speaker 2: lot of couples were having the same story like, oh, 75 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 2: we were friends first and then you know, one day 76 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 2: I just saw them differently. And when you are constantly 77 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,280 Speaker 2: seeing a particular trend in something like relationship patterns or 78 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 2: the way that relationship forms, I think it's worth investigating. 79 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 2: And so they talked to over two thousand, five hundred 80 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:01,000 Speaker 2: people who were married or in de facto partner, and 81 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 2: they questioned them separately and then they questioned them together. 82 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,280 Speaker 2: And what they found was it approximately two thirds of 83 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:14,840 Speaker 2: these couples started off as friends before they became romantically involved. 84 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:19,039 Speaker 2: Two thirds. Now, that does sound like a lot, but 85 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 2: you have to remember this also includes people from older generations, 86 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,799 Speaker 2: and it isn't just referring to the number of people 87 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:28,560 Speaker 2: that we date, right, it's talking about the number of 88 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,719 Speaker 2: like who we end up with. So you could be 89 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 2: dating heaps of people who you meet on dating apps, 90 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 2: heaps of people who I don't know, you met through 91 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,160 Speaker 2: work or whatever. But the people who we end up 92 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 2: together two thirds of them, the study said we were 93 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:48,840 Speaker 2: initially friends with. What's even more interesting is that they 94 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 2: looked at how long it took for a friendship to 95 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 2: turn romantic in these situations, and they found that the 96 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 2: average length of time was about twenty two months. It's 97 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 2: almost two years of people going about their days been 98 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:07,120 Speaker 2: nice and chummy and pals and friendly before kind of 99 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,719 Speaker 2: like something's switched to something flipped in one of their minds. 100 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:16,120 Speaker 2: So about sixty eight percent of these participants reported that 101 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:21,679 Speaker 2: their most recent relationship as well before this relationship also 102 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 2: began as a friendship. And this was regardless of gender, age, 103 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:30,839 Speaker 2: education levels, or ethnicity. It's showing that I think that 104 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 2: really accounts for the people that we date and do 105 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 2: not marry. It's less than the two thirds, but it's 106 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 2: still quite significant that we are finding connection through friendship, 107 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 2: and that rate of a friend's first initiation was even 108 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,360 Speaker 2: higher amongst twenty somethings like you and I. I'm assuming 109 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 2: and within LGBTQIA plus communities, with eighty five percent of 110 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 2: couples in this community saying that their romance began as 111 00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:01,680 Speaker 2: a friendship. This number is so prizing, but I think 112 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:05,800 Speaker 2: less so when we think about the principles of attraction 113 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 2: and what actually drives our romantic choices and our romantic 114 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 2: interest in someone, it really comes down to three factors. Proximity, similarity, 115 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 2: and reciprocity. These are the factors that really determine the 116 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 2: start of a friendship, but they also determine the start 117 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:29,920 Speaker 2: of a relationship. They underline all forms of attraction, So 118 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 2: let's break these down. I think sometimes it feels a 119 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,360 Speaker 2: bit strange to like analyze something as beautiful and magical 120 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 2: as love through a scientific or an experimental lens. But 121 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 2: a lot of our dating choices do come down to 122 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,400 Speaker 2: our internal psychology. So in research Conductor back in the 123 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 2: late nineties, this group of scientists kind of noticed that 124 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 2: we are more likely to like someone and express admiration 125 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 2: and respect for them if we perceive that they are 126 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: similar to us. So it's the age old saying that 127 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 2: kind of like birds of a feather flock together, and 128 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,840 Speaker 2: it seems scientifically quite true. If someone shares similar values 129 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 2: to us, similar interests, beliefs, hobbies, even educational background, the 130 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:18,400 Speaker 2: same kind of cultural family upbringing, we are more likely 131 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 2: to fall for them because it gives us more touch 132 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 2: points or opportunities for connection, gives us more conversation topics, 133 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:32,800 Speaker 2: and therefore more opportunities for vulnerability and eventually attraction. This 134 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 2: is simply known as the similarity attraction effect. We like 135 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 2: people who are like us because they feel safe, they 136 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 2: feel comfortable, they feel familiar, and there are fewer kind 137 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 2: of opportunities for tension i guess or friction or misunderstanding 138 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 2: or having to explain ourselves because this person is so 139 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 2: alike or similar to us. It goes without saying that 140 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 2: we don't just choose our romantic partners based on simi larity, 141 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,520 Speaker 2: but also our friendships and so the people that we 142 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 2: inevitably become close to in a platonic capacity. Therefore, kind 143 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,679 Speaker 2: of have the greatest opportunity to be our best kind 144 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:18,080 Speaker 2: of romantic candidates. Right, Because if the primary principle behind 145 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:22,320 Speaker 2: attraction is similarity, who is more similar to us than 146 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,040 Speaker 2: the people that we hang out with all the time. 147 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 2: Who is someone that we already know that we like 148 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 2: and who likes us back. It's our friends, And that's 149 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,439 Speaker 2: why developing feelings for a friend is not as uncommon 150 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 2: as we think. Now. The other principle comes down to proximity. Right. 151 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,560 Speaker 2: To put it plainly, we are more likely to develop 152 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 2: romantic feelings for someone we see frequently and who we 153 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:50,080 Speaker 2: are physically or geographically close to. I know this sounds 154 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 2: so obvious, right, we don't. It's kind of impossible to 155 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 2: develop true attraction to someone we've never met and we've 156 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 2: never talked to. But it's deeper than just having the 157 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,960 Speaker 2: opportunity for feelings to develop through proximity. It seems that 158 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:08,840 Speaker 2: just being around someone or being repeatedly exposed to them 159 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 2: increases the likelihood that we will be attracted to them. 160 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 2: We also tend to feel safe with people that we 161 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 2: see regularly, and so it's likely that a lot of 162 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 2: love kind of comes down to the mere exposure effect. 163 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 2: So this is a concept that was introduced in the 164 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 2: sixties by this I kind of remember his name. Oh yeah, 165 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 2: doctor Robert zajohnyk Zijohn. I'll leave it in the description. 166 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:40,440 Speaker 2: But he did a lot of work on, once again, 167 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 2: the principles of attraction, and it's kind of like quite 168 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 2: a reductionist theory, but he basically stipulated. He suggested that 169 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 2: anyone can fall in love with somebody else if they're 170 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 2: around them enough. And once again, who are we around 171 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 2: the most? Our friends? We have a lot of opportunities 172 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:02,120 Speaker 2: to make memories with these people. People we feel very 173 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 2: familiar with their inner workings, their dreams, their quirks, their ideals, 174 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 2: the long conversations that we have, the laughter, all of 175 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,559 Speaker 2: which are special parts of a relationship. But they also 176 00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 2: form a bond, a bond that makes someone a great 177 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 2: candidate for romance if everything else kind of goes according 178 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,520 Speaker 2: to plan. This is more likely to be the case 179 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:32,120 Speaker 2: when we imagine or we feel like the other person 180 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 2: is returning our interests. This is known as reciprocal liking. 181 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 2: At first that maybe in the form of friendship, right, like, oh, 182 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 2: I want to be friends with somebody who genuine shows 183 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 2: like interest in me and likes me back. But as 184 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:48,200 Speaker 2: the bond grows, because they are giving back that energy 185 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:53,200 Speaker 2: and investment that we're giving them, sometimes our perception can change, 186 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,439 Speaker 2: and so does our interpretation of their actions. It's not 187 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 2: just they want to hang out with us because they 188 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,680 Speaker 2: enjoy our company. Start to apply a deeper meaning to 189 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,079 Speaker 2: every little moment and decision and action. You know they 190 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,560 Speaker 2: want to hang out with us. It's not just because 191 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 2: they're our friend. It's because there's something else going on, right, 192 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 2: and so reciprocity is one of those core principles of attraction. 193 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 2: When we are looking for a mate or someone in love, 194 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,920 Speaker 2: we want someone who likes us back, obviously, and sometimes 195 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,360 Speaker 2: we confuse the liking as a friend as a liking 196 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:30,200 Speaker 2: in a romantic sense. All of this kind of creates 197 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,560 Speaker 2: the recipe for developing feelings for someone that we are 198 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,000 Speaker 2: friends with. We know we already have admiration and respect 199 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,600 Speaker 2: to them, otherwise they wouldn't be our friend. We know 200 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,720 Speaker 2: that we are similar because we are close, that they 201 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 2: are familiar, and you know, proximal and obviously there is reciprocity, 202 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,920 Speaker 2: other as the friendship wouldn't have developed in the first place. 203 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,160 Speaker 2: And so in short, we have fulfilled what a lot 204 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 2: of psychologists call the conditions of love just by nature 205 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:02,240 Speaker 2: of being platonically. Now, a lot of what we've talked 206 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 2: about that tends to shift liking to loving really rests 207 00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:11,079 Speaker 2: in personality similarities. But we're also forgetting about one final thing, 208 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,160 Speaker 2: and that is physical attraction, because that is a huge 209 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,960 Speaker 2: component of any romantic and intimate relationship. And I think 210 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 2: it's one of the main reasons why we don't just 211 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,520 Speaker 2: end up dating all of our friends, right, Like, maybe 212 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,560 Speaker 2: you don't have that kind of sexual preference, Maybe you 213 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,440 Speaker 2: just don't see them in that way. We can't imagine 214 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,520 Speaker 2: sleeping with them, they're not our type. But what about 215 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 2: those situations where you've had like no kind of physical 216 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,040 Speaker 2: attraction for many years, You are firmly in the friend zone, 217 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 2: you travel together, you sleep in the same bed, nothing, 218 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 2: and then suddenly you start seeing things differently. It happens 219 00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 2: a lot, and I think the question that we often 220 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 2: have is like, has this always been the case? Have 221 00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 2: I just been suppressing my true feelings in order to 222 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,840 Speaker 2: protect the friendship. Maybe I thought I didn't have a shot, 223 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,000 Speaker 2: Or it's because we just genuinely didn't experience the physical 224 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,240 Speaker 2: spark that would make us romantically interested in someone until later. 225 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 2: And what is it that changes, Well, let me explain. 226 00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 2: Each of us has a very unique set of preferences 227 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:14,599 Speaker 2: around what we would like physically in a partner, or 228 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:18,000 Speaker 2: at least what we know we would find appealing. So 229 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 2: a new study has suggested that beauty attraction is very 230 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,000 Speaker 2: much in the eye of the beholder. About fifty percent 231 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 2: of our preferences come down to our life experiences. So 232 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 2: even identical twins who have the same genetic blueprint, they 233 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:39,080 Speaker 2: typically have the same family environment and upbringing, they end up, 234 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 2: you know, sometimes dating completely different people because it comes 235 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:49,520 Speaker 2: down to things like personal experiences, the media, we're exposed to, 236 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,480 Speaker 2: the people we meet, the things that we're interested in. 237 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,160 Speaker 2: You know, if you're a very active person, you may 238 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 2: like someone who's more lean. If you're obsessed with a 239 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:00,280 Speaker 2: particular actor or boy band, you might find your self 240 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,920 Speaker 2: having preferences that align with what these people look like. 241 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 2: As silly as it sounds, and this also tends to 242 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 2: explain why our physical preferences change over time. If it 243 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:16,280 Speaker 2: comes down to personal experiences, those things obviously, you know, 244 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 2: we have more of them as we get older, and 245 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,360 Speaker 2: so it kind of makes sense that our attraction that 246 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:28,320 Speaker 2: is derived from personal experiences changes as those experiences accumulate. 247 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,880 Speaker 2: Perhaps you have had an experience with someone else that 248 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 2: it shifts how you think about your friend. You have 249 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,120 Speaker 2: seen them in a new scenario, like on a trip 250 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,560 Speaker 2: together or at a wedding or at their job, and 251 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 2: you just see them completely differently, or you're just like 252 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:46,360 Speaker 2: physical tastes change and you haven't seen them in a while, 253 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 2: and since that time when you saw them last, they've 254 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:52,680 Speaker 2: started dressing differently, they've cut their hair. Suddenly they are 255 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 2: exactly your type, and we have this like epiphany moment 256 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 2: of like, oh my god, God, are they attractive? Am 257 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,600 Speaker 2: I into them? When we do reach that moment, that 258 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 2: kind of place of realization, you're probably going to enter 259 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 2: it from the gateway of denial, right, especially if that 260 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,560 Speaker 2: is a really valuable and important friendship to you. No 261 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,480 Speaker 2: one likes to admit something that makes them vulnerable or 262 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 2: could drastically change something about their life. It is shocking 263 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 2: and it creates an emotional chaos we simply don't want 264 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,040 Speaker 2: to deal with. So your denial of your true feelings 265 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 2: when it comes to your friend kind of comes from 266 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 2: a place of self preservation. Even if everyone around you 267 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,560 Speaker 2: is claiming that they can tell you have feelings, that 268 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,120 Speaker 2: you have a crush, that something's changed, Admitting that to 269 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 2: yourself and others means a giving people information about your 270 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,960 Speaker 2: personal feelings that might be quite revealing or leave you 271 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 2: open to judgment or scrutiny, And b it requires you 272 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 2: to either do something or just endure this kind of 273 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,879 Speaker 2: possibility of unrequited love until it passes. But if you 274 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 2: are regularly checking up on this person on social media, 275 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,800 Speaker 2: if you are finding that you can't stop thinking about 276 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,639 Speaker 2: them throughout the day, that you're experiencing a lot of 277 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 2: jealousy when they talk about the people they are dating, 278 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:21,480 Speaker 2: or your territorial over their time, wondering why they aren't 279 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,560 Speaker 2: texting you back, always wanting to spend every day with them. 280 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 2: If you're changing your appearance when you're around them, I 281 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,120 Speaker 2: think that's a pretty good sign that something is shifted there. 282 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,280 Speaker 2: So what are you going to do about it? I 283 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 2: think that's what I want to discuss next, right is like, 284 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 2: why can this be so difficult to manage? What are 285 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,320 Speaker 2: the fears that we have to work through? And do 286 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:47,200 Speaker 2: we admit our feelings and potentially face not having them 287 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 2: reciprocated or ending the friendship in the process, or do 288 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:56,000 Speaker 2: we just say nothing? Do we just see what happens? 289 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,639 Speaker 2: So I want to talk about all of that and 290 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:07,960 Speaker 2: more after this short break. Developing feelings for a friend 291 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,840 Speaker 2: is never the most welcome news. Actually, I think it's 292 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:16,159 Speaker 2: a mixture of many emotions, right, feelings of possibility, the anxiety, 293 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,720 Speaker 2: the excitement of the what if, the general like euphoria 294 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,480 Speaker 2: and entertainment of having a crush. But we also find 295 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,480 Speaker 2: ourselves between a bit of a rock and a hard place. 296 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,720 Speaker 2: What if things change and are never the same. How 297 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:33,200 Speaker 2: do we manage our sense of longing and our typical 298 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,679 Speaker 2: instinct to really imagine a future with this person whilst 299 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 2: ensuring that we don't get ahead of ourselves doesn't blow 300 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 2: up in our faces. We have a very keen sense 301 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,439 Speaker 2: of what we have to lose, and I think we 302 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,360 Speaker 2: also understand that it's going to be tricky to navigate. 303 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 2: So in those situations where you have become aware of 304 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:55,560 Speaker 2: a crush, I guess you have two options. The first 305 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,879 Speaker 2: option is that you can say nothing. This is the 306 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 2: path of least resistance. If we say nothing, we don't 307 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:07,360 Speaker 2: have to face the possibility of rejection, of loss of 308 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,520 Speaker 2: the let's face it, the awkwardness that might come with them, 309 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,480 Speaker 2: you know, confirming that our feelings are one sided. There 310 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:18,000 Speaker 2: are a lot of considerations that go into managing our 311 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,720 Speaker 2: feelings for a friend, and it's not just about them. 312 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 2: It's also about of course wanting to protect like your 313 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:29,159 Speaker 2: own heart and your own self esteem, but also I 314 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,720 Speaker 2: think you really contemplate the network of relationships that you 315 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:38,280 Speaker 2: have built around this friendship. Admitting your feelings can create 316 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,000 Speaker 2: tension in a friendship group because people may start to 317 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,680 Speaker 2: treat us and other you know, the other person differently 318 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:50,040 Speaker 2: because of our obvious feelings or confession. It becomes a 319 00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:53,320 Speaker 2: topic of conversation. And then if you were to say 320 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 2: something and they say, oh, no, thanks, you might find 321 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:00,480 Speaker 2: yourself too embarrassed to be around this larger group who 322 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 2: kind of knows that this has happened. The possibility of 323 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:08,640 Speaker 2: this presents I think a unique type of loss known 324 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:14,320 Speaker 2: as social loss, the pain of losing connections as a 325 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:20,480 Speaker 2: result of some event. It can leave us feeling alienated, isolated, 326 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 2: and worst of all, quite lonely. As a species. We 327 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,120 Speaker 2: don't have a particularly good relationship with loneliness. We tend 328 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,520 Speaker 2: to villainize it, and therefore we seek any alternative, even 329 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,719 Speaker 2: if it means avoiding our true feelings and you know, 330 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,080 Speaker 2: engaging in some good old fashioned suppression. But if there 331 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,320 Speaker 2: is I think one thing that psychology tells us about 332 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 2: suppressing intense feelings or emotions, it's that they find a 333 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,920 Speaker 2: way to come out, whether that's through resentment towards your 334 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:56,000 Speaker 2: friend for not knowing about your feelings, frustration, poor concentration, 335 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,399 Speaker 2: needing to constantly seek advice and reassurance. I firmly believe 336 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 2: that with most things like this, there will come a 337 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,159 Speaker 2: time when you will need an answer to bring you 338 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,000 Speaker 2: some peace. You'll need to know whether there is a 339 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 2: possibility of this being a thing. And I'm speaking from 340 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:18,240 Speaker 2: experience here. I remember having the biggest, all consuming crush 341 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 2: on someone in my first year of university who was 342 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,480 Speaker 2: a good friend, and we were very enmeshed in this 343 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,199 Speaker 2: friend group together, and I'd formed it was really my 344 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:30,119 Speaker 2: lifeline at the time. This friend group was kind of 345 00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 2: the first big group of friends I had in you know, 346 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,080 Speaker 2: my first early months of moving out of home. They 347 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:39,920 Speaker 2: were really important, and I spent basically the whole year 348 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:44,560 Speaker 2: pining after this person, having these small moments that felt 349 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:49,320 Speaker 2: enormous at the time, constantly wanting more and not knowing 350 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,960 Speaker 2: where we stood until I just had to come out 351 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,520 Speaker 2: and say it and get some answers, even though I 352 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 2: kind of knew deep down that, you know, they weren't 353 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 2: going to be the answers that I wanted. I think 354 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,360 Speaker 2: it was important and it was really strange for a while. 355 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,840 Speaker 2: I'm not going to sugarcoat it, right, Like I remember 356 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,680 Speaker 2: a lot of those friends, like who I was previously 357 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,399 Speaker 2: friends with because of this person, went on like a 358 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 2: trip together, and like I always felt that maybe if 359 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,520 Speaker 2: I hadn't made it awkward for people, I would have 360 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 2: been invited, or that there we were kind of force 361 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,840 Speaker 2: to make a choice between the person who was really 362 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:29,320 Speaker 2: deep in their emotions and really struggling and the person 363 00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 2: who was like the happy one right and who wasn't 364 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 2: going to accords drama. And as someone who lived through 365 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:39,840 Speaker 2: that got through that, it ends up totally okay. It 366 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:44,080 Speaker 2: always works itself out, And I'm really glad that I 367 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,960 Speaker 2: said something. I'm really glad that even though intuitively I 368 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 2: knew that he wasn't going to date me, that we 369 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 2: weren't going to have a future together. It was better 370 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 2: than spending even more months, maybe even years, stuck in 371 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 2: like fantasy and wishful thinking and kind of projecting this 372 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,400 Speaker 2: big fairy tale I had of him onto the version 373 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,040 Speaker 2: of him that didn't really exist, right like, I was 374 00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:16,480 Speaker 2: only seeing the potential, and I think whilst it remained ambiguous, 375 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,080 Speaker 2: I could still indulge in the possibility of the what if. 376 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 2: But the what if wasn't getting me anywhere. It wasn't 377 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,959 Speaker 2: doing me any favors, It wasn't allowing me to move on. 378 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,639 Speaker 2: It certainly wasn't making me a good friend. And it 379 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,480 Speaker 2: was kind of a relief to hear and be like no, 380 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,879 Speaker 2: and then we moved forward. So saying nothing is one option. 381 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,919 Speaker 2: Let me present you with the obvious alternative one that 382 00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:44,679 Speaker 2: I just talked about. I'm sure you've all considered. You 383 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,720 Speaker 2: can muster up the courage to sit this person down 384 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,760 Speaker 2: and say, hey, things have changed for me, have they 385 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,560 Speaker 2: changed for you? And you can see what they come back. 386 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 2: With a few caveats here, don't do this if they're 387 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,800 Speaker 2: in a relationship with someone else or fresh out of 388 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,840 Speaker 2: a relationship. I think that is just like a sign 389 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,320 Speaker 2: of disrespect to your friend, and it's not going to 390 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,160 Speaker 2: end well. I don't know why I felt they need 391 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,399 Speaker 2: to say that, but in case it wasn't obvious, you 392 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,399 Speaker 2: still need to respect, like have some level of decency 393 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:14,760 Speaker 2: and not just prioritize your own feelings. But besides that, 394 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,639 Speaker 2: I think being honest about your emotions and being vulnerable 395 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,679 Speaker 2: it's not going to destroy you. It's actually probably going 396 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,040 Speaker 2: to bring you a lot of clarity and make you stronger. 397 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 2: The best possible scenario is that they will reciprocate everything 398 00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:31,760 Speaker 2: you're telling them. They will confess their love, They're down 399 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,720 Speaker 2: for exploring what this could be, and it grows great, 400 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,440 Speaker 2: you know, happily ever after baby's marriage, all the good things. 401 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,399 Speaker 2: You're part of that two thirds of people who end 402 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,159 Speaker 2: up with a friend, And I think it's almost like 403 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,920 Speaker 2: a new chapter, right. You already know each other as friends, 404 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 2: but then you have to get to know each other 405 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:51,680 Speaker 2: as romantic partners, and that may take some time adjusting 406 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:53,879 Speaker 2: because it is a whole new level of intimacy. So 407 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:59,480 Speaker 2: obviously a lot of honest conversations about your feelings and intentions. 408 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,640 Speaker 2: Hopefully you're on the same page. I think even this 409 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 2: can be scary, Even getting like the yes can be 410 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,920 Speaker 2: scary because what if it doesn't work out and you've 411 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 2: lost both a good friend and a love interest and 412 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:18,480 Speaker 2: a partner. That is a particular kind of loss in there. 413 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,640 Speaker 2: I think that's a two in one breakup, which would 414 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:24,440 Speaker 2: just be so difficult. It might also not be completely 415 00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:27,720 Speaker 2: smooth sailing right, Like you might sleep together once, be like, 416 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 2: I don't know if that's working out, have a bit 417 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,320 Speaker 2: more of a back and forth. You know, you both 418 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,840 Speaker 2: had feelings together. That is a whole different situation that 419 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,440 Speaker 2: I think it's so nuanced and difficult because then it's 420 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,040 Speaker 2: kind of like you have an answer. You know that 421 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,160 Speaker 2: this person likes you like them back, but maybe you're 422 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,760 Speaker 2: just not meant to work out, Like maybe you're just 423 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 2: not meant to be together, And that is the conclusion 424 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:52,680 Speaker 2: that you needed to know. At least you gave it 425 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,639 Speaker 2: to gave it a try, Like at least you're not 426 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,160 Speaker 2: left with the hypothetical, You're not left with the what if. 427 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,400 Speaker 2: The other scenario is that we are put in the 428 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:02,399 Speaker 2: friend zone. 429 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:02,800 Speaker 1: Now. 430 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 2: The friend zone I think is more of a pop 431 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:08,200 Speaker 2: culture reference than a scientific term, but it does help 432 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:12,160 Speaker 2: to explain what occurs here in which someone is communicating 433 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 2: that they explicitly see you in the category of friend 434 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,640 Speaker 2: rather than partner. The friend zone is an interesting concept 435 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,680 Speaker 2: because it's a lot more common in cross gender friendships 436 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:27,600 Speaker 2: between men and women, and according to some psychologists, the 437 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:31,239 Speaker 2: term is used a lot more by men when they 438 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 2: have been rejected by a woman who showed no romantic 439 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,320 Speaker 2: interest in them in this way. I think it's a 440 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,000 Speaker 2: bit controversial because a lot of feminist writers and thinkers 441 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,399 Speaker 2: tend to think of it as like a concept to 442 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,119 Speaker 2: soothe male feelings of rejection, and it is kind of 443 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,119 Speaker 2: associated with this idea that men see friendship with women 444 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:52,879 Speaker 2: as offering some kind of sexual reward if they are 445 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,760 Speaker 2: nice enough to them. But when we take away that 446 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,320 Speaker 2: gendered lens, I think the friend zone is really just 447 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,520 Speaker 2: an assertion of person and all boundaries around where people 448 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 2: see the relationship relationship kind of existing in the grand 449 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,280 Speaker 2: scheme and spectrum of relationships. When we confess our feelings 450 00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:15,960 Speaker 2: this is often this is an area that we don't want. 451 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:21,200 Speaker 2: I think it's the fear of rejection that is particularly 452 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:26,520 Speaker 2: scary in this situation. Rejection is painful on a social level, 453 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,959 Speaker 2: but also on a physical and neurological level. The experience 454 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:34,840 Speaker 2: of being shut down or pushed away elicits the same 455 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 2: kind of reactions we have in response to a physically 456 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:41,480 Speaker 2: painful stimuli, like a beasting or grazing our knee or 457 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,679 Speaker 2: breaking a bone. That's because it ignites the same areas 458 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:48,840 Speaker 2: of our brains that are responsible for interpreting and processing 459 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 2: physical pain. We want to avoid that pain. So when 460 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,760 Speaker 2: it occurs, when you've been brave, you've put yourself out there, 461 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 2: and you've been met with a less than ideal answer, 462 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:03,160 Speaker 2: the first thing you are going to be feeling is regret, 463 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:09,120 Speaker 2: maybe embarrassment, and then probably most likely fear that we've 464 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,840 Speaker 2: said things we can't take back that are going to 465 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:16,480 Speaker 2: permeate and perhaps all to the friendship forever. That's the 466 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,680 Speaker 2: risk we take in these situations. I think when someone 467 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:24,040 Speaker 2: doesn't reciprocate our feelings, it's essentially now an experience of 468 00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 2: unrequited love, the emotions, the romantic intimacy that only goes 469 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:33,159 Speaker 2: one way. That's particularly hard, I think, because feelings of 470 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:37,920 Speaker 2: love are obviously meant to be shared, and it's okay 471 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,640 Speaker 2: to grieve your idea of what this person could have 472 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 2: been and what you wanted them to be. It doesn't 473 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:48,360 Speaker 2: mean that they still like you in a friendship capacity, 474 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,720 Speaker 2: but maybe you do need to take some distance for 475 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,680 Speaker 2: yourself as you heal. That would be my biggest piece 476 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,400 Speaker 2: of advice is to take a few weeks apart so 477 00:28:56,480 --> 00:29:00,080 Speaker 2: you can think of a way forward. Even if you 478 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:04,160 Speaker 2: can stay friends, I think it's still important to have 479 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,960 Speaker 2: a bit of like a cooling down period for yourself 480 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,560 Speaker 2: to actually think about it and to think about how 481 00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:14,840 Speaker 2: difficult these unrequired emotions might be and how you're gonna manage. 482 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,240 Speaker 2: I think most of the time we have this impulse 483 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:20,600 Speaker 2: to kind of keep face and pretend it doesn't bother 484 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,400 Speaker 2: us and just like hope everything goes back to the 485 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,800 Speaker 2: way it was by forcing the same kind of reactions 486 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 2: and interactions that we used to have. I would advise 487 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:32,920 Speaker 2: against this because feelings don't disappear the moment, they aren't reciprocated. 488 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,479 Speaker 2: They stay with us, and we often have a lot 489 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 2: of expectations that maybe this person might eventually change their mind. 490 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,400 Speaker 2: You have to trust that this person knows what they 491 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,560 Speaker 2: want and knows what's right for them, Even if it's 492 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,680 Speaker 2: painful for you, try not to get stuck in the 493 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:54,640 Speaker 2: mental loop of questioning their decision, questioning their answer. Is 494 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:57,560 Speaker 2: it because I'm not their type? What's wrong with me physically? 495 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:00,520 Speaker 2: Am I not good enough? It's definitely an now line 496 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,840 Speaker 2: of thinking. We like to overly examine our perceived failures 497 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,600 Speaker 2: to prevent them from occurring again, or to try and 498 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:10,160 Speaker 2: come up with some cure or a solution, But often 499 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:12,480 Speaker 2: it just gets us stuck in a pretty deep mental hole, 500 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:14,640 Speaker 2: one that is filled with a lot of self doubt, 501 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 2: a lot of insecurity. Just because this person didn't pick 502 00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 2: you doesn't mean that no one will, but it can 503 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:26,320 Speaker 2: be really hard to see that when we're shouldering a 504 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:30,920 Speaker 2: lot of deep pain. This is why, again I recommend 505 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 2: giving yourself some space, let yourself feel disappointed, let yourself 506 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,440 Speaker 2: mourn for a little bit, and then start to think 507 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 2: about your future as friends and whether that relationship can 508 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 2: be maintained. I think that it's important to try to 509 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,800 Speaker 2: focus on the friendship that is at the heart of 510 00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 2: this experience. Right Like, you like them for a reason 511 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,320 Speaker 2: because they are a good person. But are you going 512 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,880 Speaker 2: to be satisfied with not having everything, with just having 513 00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:02,280 Speaker 2: the part that is platonic. That is a question that 514 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:05,240 Speaker 2: I think you have to answer for yourself. But while 515 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:06,960 Speaker 2: you're thinking it through, I want to give you five 516 00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:12,080 Speaker 2: tips for dealing with this situation from beginning to end. 517 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:15,200 Speaker 2: I think when you first notice that you've developed feelings 518 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:19,480 Speaker 2: for a friend, stop and pause. Do you actually like 519 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 2: this person or are they just the only person around? 520 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:28,120 Speaker 2: This is sometimes a very real possibility, as the proximity 521 00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 2: principle tells us, sometimes all attraction takes is physical closeness 522 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:35,080 Speaker 2: to set up a whole chain of reactions. So pause 523 00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:37,840 Speaker 2: and consider whether this person would actually make you happy 524 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 2: in the long term, whether you are stretching your imagination 525 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:44,640 Speaker 2: a little bit too much, or whether you are just 526 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:49,600 Speaker 2: seeing potential when there isn't anything actually there. Dating in 527 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:53,560 Speaker 2: our twenties is really hard. First dates suck, blind dates 528 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:57,800 Speaker 2: are even worse. The constant small talk, rejection, the heartbreak. 529 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 2: It can feel like a lot, And so some times, 530 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,000 Speaker 2: when we've been through a lot of that, we seek 531 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:04,560 Speaker 2: comfort in the things that we know, which is this 532 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:07,480 Speaker 2: friend that we know will never harm us. But it 533 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:10,160 Speaker 2: doesn't necessarily mean that just because you're good friends that 534 00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,280 Speaker 2: a relationship with them would work out that they are 535 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 2: the right person for you. So I would say, honestly, 536 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 2: look at this person's personality, look at their character, look 537 00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:22,520 Speaker 2: at their behavior. Are they really as wonderful as you 538 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:24,440 Speaker 2: think they are? Do you think that your life would 539 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:28,560 Speaker 2: be perfect with this person or is there maybe someone 540 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:31,800 Speaker 2: else out there? And that's my second point. Give yourself 541 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:36,960 Speaker 2: some space to date elsewhere. Don't date looking for distraction, 542 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 2: but to look for possibility. Sometimes we become very obsessive 543 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,720 Speaker 2: when we have one person in mine and we have 544 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:48,200 Speaker 2: decided that they are the one. And maybe I sound pessimistic, 545 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,080 Speaker 2: but I think that we have more than just one 546 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,400 Speaker 2: person out there who is compatible with us, who would 547 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:58,320 Speaker 2: make us happy. So don't limit yourself before you know 548 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:02,080 Speaker 2: how they feel. Don't don't close yourself off into like 549 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:07,880 Speaker 2: this space of compulsion and obsession towards this person. Keep 550 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:11,520 Speaker 2: the doors open, keep your mind open to the possibility 551 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 2: of someone else, and don't wait for them to act 552 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,959 Speaker 2: or to ask you how you're feeling. Be an active 553 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 2: player here, get yourself some answers so that you can 554 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:24,640 Speaker 2: move forward in whatever the direction this relationship is going 555 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 2: to take. You have to be brave to go after 556 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,480 Speaker 2: what you want in life in any capacity, and the 557 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:33,760 Speaker 2: answer is always going to be no unless you ask, 558 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,600 Speaker 2: in which case, yeah, you know, it might still be 559 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,120 Speaker 2: a no. But how can you really confirm that if 560 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:43,160 Speaker 2: you never say anything, if you never speak up. I 561 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,160 Speaker 2: think that speaking your truth is one of the greatest 562 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,240 Speaker 2: gifts that you can give yourself. If it doesn't give 563 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,520 Speaker 2: you a relationship, at least it will give you answers 564 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 2: for those times when things haven't gone the way that 565 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:56,960 Speaker 2: you want them to. I cannot stress this enough. Treat 566 00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,520 Speaker 2: it like a breakup, or like any other kind of 567 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:04,840 Speaker 2: romantic loss or rejection. When we shame ourselves out of 568 00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 2: big emotions, what we are enduring is called disenfranchised grief, 569 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:12,360 Speaker 2: and that is a kind of loss that is not 570 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:17,680 Speaker 2: openly acknowledged and accepted, despite its still being painful for 571 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:22,440 Speaker 2: the person experiencing it. In this case, you remember, it's 572 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:26,400 Speaker 2: okay to miss them. It's okay to be sad about 573 00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:30,400 Speaker 2: the possibility that you saw and the future that you imagined. 574 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:34,319 Speaker 2: But it doesn't mean that they are the one. It's 575 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,920 Speaker 2: just the result of a bond of attachment of our 576 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:41,320 Speaker 2: memory flare ups. You know, our brains are weirdly wired 577 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:44,400 Speaker 2: to bring up old memories and information when it's not useful. 578 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:48,839 Speaker 2: So it doesn't mean that you've like missed out right 579 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:51,759 Speaker 2: just because you're thinking about this person, just because they're 580 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:55,759 Speaker 2: in their brain is no, there's no deeper meaning in that. 581 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,920 Speaker 2: There's no deeper fate that you've missed out on. I 582 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:02,840 Speaker 2: think it's just our natural reaction to not just rejection, 583 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:07,239 Speaker 2: but also to a disruption in our attachment. Wanting to 584 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:10,520 Speaker 2: reach out doesn't make you weak. Mourning something that never 585 00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:14,160 Speaker 2: was doesn't make you crazy. I hate that word. You 586 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,840 Speaker 2: are just a human with a lot of big emotions. 587 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:19,840 Speaker 2: You are so sensitive, and you have a lot of 588 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:22,839 Speaker 2: love to give, and I think that capacity to love 589 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:28,520 Speaker 2: others is very rare and very beautiful and should be celebrated, 590 00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,799 Speaker 2: especially during a time where I think everyone really wants 591 00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,360 Speaker 2: to play games and keep things close to their chest. 592 00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:38,560 Speaker 2: It's honestly so radical to be so open with your 593 00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:43,000 Speaker 2: love and your feelings for others. And I always think 594 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 2: it's the people who are told they love too much, 595 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,959 Speaker 2: who give too much to others, who struggle the most 596 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:52,120 Speaker 2: in dating. But they are the ones who experience the 597 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:58,040 Speaker 2: deepest and most gorgeous, delicate human emotions. And feelings and 598 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:02,319 Speaker 2: passion when they find the right person. This person is 599 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:05,200 Speaker 2: not the right person. They are not the one, even 600 00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:08,120 Speaker 2: though you have this attachment to them, even though you 601 00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:11,240 Speaker 2: have this connection. But when you do find this person 602 00:36:11,239 --> 00:36:14,200 Speaker 2: who is for you, think about how amazing it's going 603 00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:17,279 Speaker 2: to feel. And this current experience, what you're going through 604 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,239 Speaker 2: is just a chapter in your story. It's something to 605 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,480 Speaker 2: perhaps one day laugh about, and you'll soon really realize 606 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,120 Speaker 2: that it's part of the journey that gets you to 607 00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:30,520 Speaker 2: where you need to be going. So in that space 608 00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:35,480 Speaker 2: between now and then, do things you know will help 609 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:39,200 Speaker 2: you heal. Give yourself space to focus on your own 610 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,759 Speaker 2: self growth, getting really deep into your goals, your hobbies, 611 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:46,080 Speaker 2: anything to get you thinking about something other than this person. 612 00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:50,319 Speaker 2: Consciously shift your thoughts from returning again and again to 613 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:52,640 Speaker 2: your friend and what could have been, to what your 614 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,080 Speaker 2: life will be. If you take all of that energy 615 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,919 Speaker 2: and you spend it on yourself. You just want to say, 616 00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:01,080 Speaker 2: I am sending a whole lot of love personally. I 617 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:04,000 Speaker 2: know it's really difficult. I know that you get really 618 00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,759 Speaker 2: really wrapped up in what could be and what is, 619 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,279 Speaker 2: and it feels like you're never going to get over 620 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:12,640 Speaker 2: this person. It feels like this is going to destroy you. 621 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 2: I've lived through it. It doesn't. It gets better. You will 622 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:19,920 Speaker 2: recover from this. It will just be part of this 623 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:24,440 Speaker 2: great story that is expanding out in front of you. 624 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,839 Speaker 2: And maybe it does work out, in which case that's fantastic. 625 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:30,799 Speaker 2: You will join this huge group of people who do meet, 626 00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:34,520 Speaker 2: you know, the loves of their lives as friends. And 627 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,120 Speaker 2: I think that's just like a wonderful part of human 628 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:42,040 Speaker 2: connection and human relationships is that we have the capacity 629 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:46,640 Speaker 2: to really form these really meaningful relationships both platonically and romantically. 630 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:49,520 Speaker 2: Just because something isn't romantic doesn't mean that it's not 631 00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:54,160 Speaker 2: platonically valuable. That's something I also want you to remember. 632 00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:57,960 Speaker 2: So again, lots of love, lots of healing, lots of strength. 633 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:00,719 Speaker 2: You will do what is best for you and I'm 634 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:03,520 Speaker 2: hoping that you get the outcome that you deserve, and 635 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:06,880 Speaker 2: if not, you have the everything that you need to 636 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:09,640 Speaker 2: move on and to move forward. So thank you so 637 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,160 Speaker 2: much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, 638 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,520 Speaker 2: please feel free to leave a five star review on 639 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:18,399 Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, make sure 640 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:21,680 Speaker 2: you're following along for when new episodes come out. There's 641 00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:25,279 Speaker 2: some pretty good ones coming out soon, some special guest episodes, 642 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:29,279 Speaker 2: and if you have a episode suggestion, if you want 643 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:33,319 Speaker 2: to tell me a story about the person that you've 644 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:36,160 Speaker 2: fallen in love with who might be a friend, maybe 645 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,400 Speaker 2: a situation where this has worked out, please send me 646 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:42,040 Speaker 2: a DM at that Psychology podcast. I would love to 647 00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:45,200 Speaker 2: hear from you, and as always, stay kind and be 648 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,680 Speaker 2: gentle to yourselves until next time.