1 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:19,640 Speaker 1: Dating texting is insufferable. You don't know how to manage 2 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: a conversation with a stranger, okay, because you don't want 3 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:23,799 Speaker 1: to go too deep and you don't want to be 4 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,720 Speaker 1: too light. So it's like, hey, how you doing. How's 5 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,320 Speaker 1: your weekend? Mine's great, how about you? 6 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:28,840 Speaker 2: Web surfing? Did whatever? 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: My three kids just went off the co All right, 8 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 1: that's enough, buddy, that's too much, you know what I mean, 9 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 1: I've gone too far. 10 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:35,200 Speaker 2: But it's like this is good. 11 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: Well, I'm in Rhode Island for the weekend, having a 12 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 1: great time. The weather has been beautiful. Some little thing 13 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 1: you give, like some little thing I traveled too much. 14 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 1: I wish it was longer, some little thing that showed 15 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,440 Speaker 1: Like I said to someone like it's been choppy, because 16 00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: my summer's been choppy. And then someone else said, oh 17 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:52,960 Speaker 1: my god, mine has been too. We don't need to 18 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: get into it. We don't need to get into their 19 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:59,200 Speaker 1: their ex wife or my you know, freakin' dehydration problem. 20 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,760 Speaker 1: But like, it's been shoppy for different reasons. We'll discuss 21 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 1: that if we ever get on a date. But it's 22 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,920 Speaker 1: just like saying a little more than nothing, because what 23 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,400 Speaker 1: you can't do is the volley of the tennis ball, 24 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,839 Speaker 1: back and forth about no, oh, nice, great? 25 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:15,040 Speaker 2: When the okay? So you go back and forth a little. 26 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:16,959 Speaker 1: Then you might want to ask a question you can 27 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 1: only be about you because I ask a question about you. 28 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: You can't only be about you. You have to ask 29 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 1: a question about them. You have to be It's like 30 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: being in person. You have to be like where do 31 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 1: you live? Like you could say some what par but 32 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,200 Speaker 1: not like where It sounds like you're just trying to 33 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 1: do like investigative reporting. I would say something like I'm 34 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 1: in Florida in the moment, but I do spend a 35 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 1: lot of the summer in New York. 36 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,320 Speaker 2: Why do I say that? 37 00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 1: Because I don't want someone to be intimidated by me 38 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,920 Speaker 1: being in Florida and they think I'm out of the game, 39 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,319 Speaker 1: like I'm out of the game with them, So letting 40 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,280 Speaker 1: them know I'm flexible to be. So you're moving the 41 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 1: ball forward. You're letting them know a little bit about 42 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: you without them realizing you are. And then like someone 43 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,760 Speaker 1: might be like, well, I spend time here and there, 44 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: my son goes to school at blah blah blah. Okay, 45 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 1: person as a son, it's pretty critical to get a 46 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,800 Speaker 1: read on how many kids somebody he hasn't what ages 47 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: they are. Okay, from experience, people don't want if you've 48 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: or you're out of the woods. You really don't want 49 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 1: someone with a two year old. Like it's just like 50 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,840 Speaker 1: it's not ideal. Sorry, if you have a two year old, 51 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: don't feel bad. Just date someone else with a four 52 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 1: year old, six year old, Okay, just it's just gonna 53 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,919 Speaker 1: be easier. But then there comes a point where the 54 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: volley becomes penpaling and you really don't know. And someone 55 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: I know says, men are really insecure and they really 56 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:32,000 Speaker 1: want reinforcement. So one guy was a super catch and 57 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,440 Speaker 1: had said want to get together before or after Labor Day? 58 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,360 Speaker 1: This was on an app and I said, here's my number, 59 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: and then we never went over there, so I was like, 60 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 1: was that two four? We're like, I don't want to 61 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 1: be over here in this weird app that I'm never on. 62 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,080 Speaker 1: But then another guy we took it to phone number 63 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 1: and that became a better conversation cause you kind of 64 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: want to get out of like just the volley zone. 65 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,320 Speaker 1: You want to get into something more about like who 66 00:02:56,360 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: you are, Like, Okay, let's put it this way. This 67 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 1: person mentioned someplace where they spend time, So you want 68 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,079 Speaker 1: to like have an analysis of that and add something 69 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: to it if you've ever been there, or would you 70 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 1: like to go there, but give something about yourself. I've 71 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,679 Speaker 1: met people that do not like the beach. They do 72 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,520 Speaker 1: not like the beach, They do not want to go 73 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,080 Speaker 1: in the water. Get the fuck out of here, Like 74 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: what like we need to know that right before we 75 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,799 Speaker 1: know how many kids you have, because I have no 76 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: interest in that. Like, it doesn't mean I have to 77 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 1: do a family that praise together, stays together. I need 78 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 1: to stay with someone, be with someone every second. But like, 79 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:35,440 Speaker 1: if someone doesn't like the beach, we're going to have 80 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 1: a problem, Like we're fighting. 81 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 2: So I might say I'm a beach person. I love 82 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,119 Speaker 2: blah blah blah. 83 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,080 Speaker 1: Then it could inspire someone else to say, oh, I 84 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 1: really like to be on the golf course. Now I 85 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 1: know they golf. That's a decision. Maybe I golf, Maybe 86 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: I want to take up golf. Maybe I don't golf. 87 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,080 Speaker 1: Maybe I don't like golfers. Maybe I don't like the pants, 88 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 1: the hours, the golf courts, the people. Whatever. It's just 89 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,680 Speaker 1: like you want to give an indication of yourself and 90 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,360 Speaker 1: be honest about it, because you don't want to lock 91 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: them in based on something that you're not. You don't 92 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,280 Speaker 1: want to be hard and fast like, oh, I only 93 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: like the beach, But you might want to give an 94 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 1: indication of something that makes you happy. And those are 95 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 1: the things that would really make someone interested in you, 96 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,240 Speaker 1: because at a certain age, someone's not just like I 97 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 1: want to have sex with you because you're hot. It's 98 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,240 Speaker 1: not that. That's a different story. If someone is in 99 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:21,520 Speaker 1: a place where they might want to be in a relationship, 100 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: if they want to get an understanding of how you vibe. 101 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: They've been through it. They've been possibly married, divorced, breakups, makeups, heartbreak, 102 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,880 Speaker 1: they've done the work, they've made the mistakes. They don't 103 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,000 Speaker 1: want to get in the road of someone who wants 104 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: to live on a golf course or is a cat 105 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:39,920 Speaker 1: person if they're a dog person. So try to get 106 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,240 Speaker 1: the things out in and not I'm obsessed with you, 107 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 1: I'm your girlfriend type of way, and a real subtle 108 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 1: Oh it's nice here at this time of the year, 109 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,800 Speaker 1: because I really do enjoy my walking on the beach. 110 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I went there. 111 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 1: They have great restaurants, like anecdote will throw it in 112 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 1: see if you get a bite, then you see if 113 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 1: you have a rhythm, if there's something there. Guys will say, 114 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,960 Speaker 1: what are you looking for? I'm like you to be 115 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: in a closet hidden for me, because I'm not looking 116 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,640 Speaker 1: for you. I'm looking for somebody else in another closet, Like, 117 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,039 Speaker 1: don't get so deep. Don't ask me about my hopes 118 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: and dreams right now, that's too much. We'll get there, 119 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 1: Like I'll show you what I'm looking for by what 120 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 1: I'm saying, but don't ask me that the first second. 121 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,400 Speaker 2: It's creepy, it's cringey. 122 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,719 Speaker 1: You know, you might if you're on an app, you 123 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,360 Speaker 1: might want them to realize you're hopeful that you've done 124 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 1: this before, that you haven't been on the app in 125 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,599 Speaker 1: a long time. Don't lie, but be like this can 126 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,919 Speaker 1: be a positive place. Like when I first was on 127 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,120 Speaker 1: apps years ago, I wanted to like tell everybody that 128 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,280 Speaker 1: I had never been on like I was sort of 129 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:43,000 Speaker 1: embarrassed about it. And it's honestly not embarrassing, especially if 130 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,600 Speaker 1: you don't leave the house. It's just embarrassing because it's 131 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: a lot of losers. So anyway, don't pimpal, don't volley, 132 00:05:52,200 --> 00:06:07,440 Speaker 1: but don't offer up too much information. If you don't 133 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: love it, you don't like it. It's so helpful for everything. 134 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 1: Is it a house, is it a car? Is it 135 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,440 Speaker 1: a guy? Is it a girl? Is it an opportunity? 136 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:17,200 Speaker 1: Is it a business? Is it a drink? Is it 137 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,480 Speaker 1: a vacation spot? Is it an idea? 138 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,000 Speaker 2: Anything? If you don't love it, you don't like it. 139 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: So I have merely considered going out with some guys 140 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,040 Speaker 1: that someone is like, oh it'll be fun, or are 141 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: they hot, or like they're ten years younger. And I 142 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: did go to dinner with this guy, but I wasn't 143 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 1: a date. 144 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:37,280 Speaker 2: What the fuck? 145 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 1: I'm never doing that. I'm never doing that because I'm 146 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 1: not gonna want to be eighty two with someone seventy two. 147 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:45,160 Speaker 1: It's just not happening, Okay, So don't go, dumb, dumb, 148 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: don't go. So I now have gone so long without 149 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 1: really dating that I have said, if I don't love it, 150 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:58,600 Speaker 1: I don't like it. So now it's gotten really strict. 151 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,279 Speaker 1: So someone wanted to set me up with someone lives 152 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 1: in two cities that I don't visit, that I have 153 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,480 Speaker 1: no connection to that I don't vibe with I don't 154 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 1: want to ever live there. 155 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 2: You know. 156 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,600 Speaker 1: It's not like you're twenty two and you might be 157 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 1: moving to Austin or something like that, although Austin would 158 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 1: be cool. 159 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 2: Am I moving to Cleveland? 160 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 1: Now? The horses left the barn. I'm ingrained in what 161 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 1: I like and what I know. And it's a vibe. 162 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,400 Speaker 1: It's not just the people in a place. It's a vibe. 163 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: It's the energy. It's the group that goes there. It's 164 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: a culture. It's gonna be a reach, it's gonna be 165 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 1: changing everything, it's gonna be lonely. I just don't want that. 166 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 1: Well I look into it. Yeah, that's one piece of 167 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: the puzzle. If everything else was great when I consider 168 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: Monticello and Chicago combination, yes, but everything else has to 169 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 1: be great. So I'm running into this thing where someone 170 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: will come and be like, this guy is very good looking, 171 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 1: has all his hair, he's tall, he's extraordinarily successful. But 172 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: he has six children and one is eight, one is twelve. 173 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,480 Speaker 1: I'm like, immediately, no, I don't want six children. And 174 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: it'll be six children, but like four or out of 175 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 1: the house. Okay, what does that mean? They like live 176 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: in Zaiere, like they're still the kids, Like my friends 177 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 1: who have twenty four year old kids are still like 178 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,160 Speaker 1: on the teat in some way doesn't have to meet financially, 179 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:12,960 Speaker 1: but they're kids. 180 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,520 Speaker 2: You know. It's not like the dust and the Wind. 181 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 1: Now, if it was someone with six kids and they're 182 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,600 Speaker 1: all out of the house and the person is lives 183 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: in New York and likes Florida, likes the Hampton's, like, yes, 184 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:28,040 Speaker 1: would I possibly consider it? Yes, because it's like one 185 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 1: puzzle piece that is telling to me. But I don't 186 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,880 Speaker 1: want to have like seven kids on a vacation and 187 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: that's just my own. And again, like I'm not too picky. 188 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 1: I don't want that. It's like saying you don't want steak, 189 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: you want chicken tonight, you're too picky. 190 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 2: Fuck off. I don't want it, I don't want to 191 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:45,839 Speaker 2: eat it, and I don't love it. I don't like it. 192 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 1: So now it's so much easier when you're discerning because 193 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,240 Speaker 1: you don't get full on the crap. You don't spin 194 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,480 Speaker 1: your wheels on stupidity. You're so strict, But it makes 195 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,720 Speaker 1: you laser focus that you could see it when it 196 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,840 Speaker 1: comes because you're not all like oh, I hate it. 197 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,679 Speaker 1: I don't want to do this anymore. You're just like, 198 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: I'm just being strict. I'm not doing it until it's 199 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: worth doing. I'm not liking it until I love it. 200 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:14,840 Speaker 1: So I am starting to date because I've seen something 201 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 1: that makes me want to go. 202 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 2: So my thing is, I'm not going unless we're going. 203 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:25,160 Speaker 1: I'm not going unless I am leaping out of bed 204 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:29,960 Speaker 1: to go, excited to go. The boxes are checked. So 205 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:34,560 Speaker 1: I got a live one. I got a live one, 206 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 1: and if I like it, I'll tell you I like it, 207 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,439 Speaker 1: and then we're gonna stay quiet for a while, as 208 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,920 Speaker 1: you all would want from me. But I'm just gonna 209 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: tell you I got a live one. 210 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 2: Oh my god. 211 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,959 Speaker 1: If I hear another person say age is just a number, 212 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 1: In case you're wondering, age is not just a number. 213 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 2: Age is an age. It is not just a number. 214 00:09:56,559 --> 00:10:00,080 Speaker 1: How do I know this Because when I was in 215 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,959 Speaker 1: my twenties living in LA I was dating people that 216 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 1: were sometimes fifteen years older than I am. So if 217 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,439 Speaker 1: I was twenty three and I was dating someone thirty, 218 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:13,800 Speaker 1: not that old. Maybe like thirty eight, Yeah that was possible. 219 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,760 Speaker 1: Twenty four, thirty nine was totally possible. Twenty five, okay, forty, 220 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,839 Speaker 1: whatever was totally possible. 221 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:20,200 Speaker 2: Right. 222 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,560 Speaker 1: The reason age is not just a number is because 223 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: now those people are over seventy. So age is not 224 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: just a number. Age is and age they're over seventy, 225 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 1: we are going in one direction, like we are getting older. 226 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,280 Speaker 1: So I do not believe it's just a number. I 227 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,439 Speaker 1: believe it's a fact and it's a truth. And when 228 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 1: I think about my age, I think my age, my stage. 229 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:49,960 Speaker 1: I think about where I'm at in my life. I 230 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: think about the fact that in dating someone said to me, oh, 231 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: if you start dating, would you stop, like if you 232 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: really like this guy. I'm like, no, there's no stopping 233 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,679 Speaker 1: until we found the person, because we ain't got that 234 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,080 Speaker 1: kind of time. Now. Why because age is not just 235 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 1: a number. Age is an age. My age is my age. 236 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: It happens to be a number, but it is not 237 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 1: just a number. It is a fact and a truth, 238 00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:21,440 Speaker 1: a milestone, a touchstone, a judgment zone. I mean, it 239 00:11:21,559 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: is how people define other people. Oh they look good 240 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 1: for their age. So I don't know why, I'm just 241 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: thinking about the fact when I talk about age. Regina 242 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 1: King was talking about losing her son and how it 243 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,960 Speaker 1: made her more present. And my girlfriend today had two 244 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 1: like scares on her body that she's going to get 245 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,439 Speaker 1: checked out, and she's just like wow, and a lot 246 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: of things have been happening with her, just different things, 247 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,559 Speaker 1: and I was like, it's the age, Like I think 248 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 1: it's the age because it's just like things are happening. 249 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,280 Speaker 1: So I was thinking about Regina King saying she is present, 250 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,720 Speaker 1: and I was thinking about when my friend was going 251 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,360 Speaker 1: through this, she was like, you just you know, you 252 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,560 Speaker 1: have to be grateful, or she said something about treasure 253 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,440 Speaker 1: every day or something, and I was thinking about Regina 254 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 1: King and being present, because it's true, if you go 255 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,319 Speaker 1: through something, you're gonna be more present. It doesn't mean 256 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,599 Speaker 1: we have to be hang gliding and I have to 257 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 1: be climbing up you know, a fucking mountain, I Kilimanjaro 258 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,040 Speaker 1: or anything. I think it just means be present. And 259 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,600 Speaker 1: I really have tried to be more present, even in 260 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 1: things like if I don't sleep. It used to run 261 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: my life whether I slept, I didn't sleep, I slept 262 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,440 Speaker 1: this many hours, I slept that many I even had 263 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:25,680 Speaker 1: a sleep app asleep tracker. 264 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:26,720 Speaker 2: What the fuck is that gonna do? 265 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 1: Just gonna yell at me and tell me I slept 266 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,760 Speaker 1: in sleep no shit, Like what am I gonna do? 267 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 1: We can't go back now, Like I know that I 268 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 1: should be in better early, Like it's not looking at 269 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,040 Speaker 1: the tracker, is it going to do anything. I know 270 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,400 Speaker 1: that maybe having a glass of wine at eleven o'clock 271 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 1: at night is not my best choice, but some you know, 272 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 1: fuck it. Sometimes I like the way it feels to 273 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,480 Speaker 1: be alone, like snacking around the house. The point is 274 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,080 Speaker 1: being present is like today I got on my yoga Matt, 275 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,560 Speaker 1: and I always am most grateful when I do yoga. 276 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,440 Speaker 1: There's no no place a beach walk but yoga. I 277 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,880 Speaker 1: will thank myself. I will sit and I will say 278 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: I am grateful, and I think myself for doing this. 279 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,599 Speaker 1: I felt present And I've been taking baths that have 280 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 1: been lasting longer, which says to me, I'm being present 281 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 1: because I'm not just taking the baths to take the 282 00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: baths to rush out. It's like, let me just lay 283 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: here for a while and dissolve in here and sometimes 284 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 1: even like almost fall asleep. So let's talk about divorce 285 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 1: and custody time sharing. 286 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,280 Speaker 2: I've talked about this before. 287 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: When your kids are young and you're about to go 288 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: through a breakup, or you have already gone through a breakup, 289 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,520 Speaker 1: or the split has begun. Your mind will play tricks 290 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 1: on you. You have imprinted on your child and vice 291 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:57,280 Speaker 1: versa or children, and you think that it will be 292 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,040 Speaker 1: like that forever. People tell you a people tell you 293 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 1: it's different. You just don't have the capacity to understand that. 294 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 1: When your child is a teenager, they enter the witness 295 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 1: Protection program and have no idea who you are and 296 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 1: won't acknowledge your presence. So my daughter and I are 297 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,599 Speaker 1: very close, like very very close. It's well documented, and 298 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: we travel together. We're together a lot. We live for 299 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,920 Speaker 1: each other. She will text me like she's in love 300 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,800 Speaker 1: with me during the day, I can't wait to see you, Mama, 301 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 1: love Mama. 302 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,840 Speaker 2: And then she'll get home and. 303 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: I'll be hi, mama, and wealha going to be amazing 304 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 1: because she's like a dysfunctional relationship with a man where 305 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: we love each other. We've had amazing times together. Then 306 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 1: she texts, gives such good texts and she gets in 307 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 1: the house. Is the amazing hug. We connect, we latch, 308 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: and then she walks into a room and I don't 309 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 1: see her again. For days, like not days, but like hours. 310 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:55,800 Speaker 1: And I'm just saying that that happens with multiple teenagers, 311 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,080 Speaker 1: where a mom just wants a fucking glass of wine 312 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: in a moment of silence, just wants her kids to 313 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,360 Speaker 1: have plants so she can make her own, but doesn't 314 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 1: want to say go have plans, just wants tonight to herself, 315 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 1: just want tonight out, just wants a vacation, et cetera. 316 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:12,880 Speaker 1: Your life will become very different once the kids are older, 317 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 1: but when you're going through it, it's almost like after 318 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,600 Speaker 1: you have a baby, when you're super emotional and your 319 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:23,280 Speaker 1: hormones haven't gotten back to normal. Your hormones, your emotions, 320 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: everything changes under severe stress and duress of a divorce, 321 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,080 Speaker 1: and you are panicked and you think that you won't 322 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,760 Speaker 1: get time with your kid. This is the end of 323 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,680 Speaker 1: the world. They're gonna forget you, they're gonna love the 324 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: other parent more. They go to the other parent's house, 325 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,520 Speaker 1: they buy them all the stuff, and you can't keep 326 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,120 Speaker 1: up and you can't compete, and you are in a vacuum. 327 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 1: It's no different than you being madly in love with 328 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,760 Speaker 1: someone breaking up with them, not being able to imagine 329 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 1: life without them and then one day you don't even 330 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: think about them anymore, meaning both of those things were real. 331 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: Both of those things were real. So the feeling you 332 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 1: have towards your kid and not want it to be 333 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,960 Speaker 1: apart from them, it is one hundred percent real, but 334 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:07,160 Speaker 1: it is fairly fleeting, which is why when people obsess 335 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,800 Speaker 1: over the time, the custody time and a divorce, like 336 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: you could be battling over something and you're giving up 337 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: on one thing but not the other thing. 338 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 2: It's just a couple of years. 339 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 1: Decision making is more important, as I've discussed, but I 340 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,440 Speaker 1: mention this because when you have to work and you 341 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 1: have to travel, and you want to have a social 342 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 1: life and you want to go on a date, you 343 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 1: need time for yourself. So you're not going to be 344 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: with your kid all the time. When they're young, or 345 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,800 Speaker 1: when you're coming out of a divorce, you feel more. 346 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,440 Speaker 1: I mean, if you're a good parent, you feel more 347 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,720 Speaker 1: attached to your kid and you want that bonding. And 348 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:41,200 Speaker 1: also people displace the love that they had in the 349 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,360 Speaker 1: relationship or the security and the relationship and they then 350 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: put it on the child. 351 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 2: So you're clinging to your child more. You want your 352 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 2: child's love more. 353 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,960 Speaker 1: You're more codependent with your child because you're going through 354 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 1: a traumatic time and this is a family member that 355 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,800 Speaker 1: you love, so you're afraid. And like anything else, if 356 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,880 Speaker 1: a parent's dying, if somebody else sick, if you're going 357 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: through a hardship or a scandal or something's happening, you 358 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,439 Speaker 1: cling to the person nearest you. So there's no different 359 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:10,320 Speaker 1: in your child and divorce. But once you are my 360 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 1: age and you want to go on a date or 361 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 1: you have to go to New York for an appearance 362 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,600 Speaker 1: and the Today's Show. But your child is in school 363 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,479 Speaker 1: and they have obligations, and they have friends, and they 364 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 1: have sports. You need support. You're gonna need childcare, You're 365 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,800 Speaker 1: gonna need your own time. And if you have all 366 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,159 Speaker 1: the time with your kid, and you fought for like 367 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:34,320 Speaker 1: two different days within a fourteen day period, which is 368 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,679 Speaker 1: what people do, they get so caught up in fifty percent, 369 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,480 Speaker 1: is it sixty percent? Is it wednesdays and overnights? You 370 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,120 Speaker 1: shouldn't get caught up in that. Let's pretend you only 371 00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:45,720 Speaker 1: had your kid weekends and wednesdays and overnights. You're really 372 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,400 Speaker 1: only talking about a difference of one to two days. 373 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,720 Speaker 1: It sounds like a lot because it sounds like only 374 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,920 Speaker 1: one day a week, but there's Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday 375 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,040 Speaker 1: left really because on one of those weekends it's a Friday. 376 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 1: The point is you're fighting over like one to two 377 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: days a month, when that does not define your relationship 378 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,520 Speaker 1: with your child. What does define your relationship with your 379 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,479 Speaker 1: child is the quality of time. 380 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,600 Speaker 2: So don't feel bad about yourself. 381 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: If you don't get the full time, or if you 382 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,440 Speaker 1: thought you'd get most of the time you only got 383 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 1: fifty percent, you're having a panic attack. 384 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 2: There are different reasons. 385 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 1: If you have a drug addict, abusive ex husband, that's 386 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,920 Speaker 1: a different story. But if it's because you just psychologically 387 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,160 Speaker 1: or emotionally or you're worried about people will think, let 388 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,239 Speaker 1: that go. It's not something to judge, and it's not 389 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,399 Speaker 1: something to be judged about. 390 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:31,720 Speaker 2: Okay. 391 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:36,560 Speaker 1: Quality time is important, and it's about the marathon, not 392 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,159 Speaker 1: the sprint. It's not about what goes on from a 393 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:44,640 Speaker 1: child from four to really like twelve. At fourteen, they're 394 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,080 Speaker 1: full humans. At twelve, they're like doing their own thing. 395 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,440 Speaker 1: They've got their own ideas, their own friends, their own opinions. 396 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,399 Speaker 1: Like you know, it's not that many years. Yes they matter, 397 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 1: and yes they form who someone is. But again, there 398 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,879 Speaker 1: are parents that have their kids half the time but 399 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,680 Speaker 1: work and only put them in the bath and only 400 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,880 Speaker 1: do dinner. Like don't get into the numbers and counting. 401 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 1: Same goes for holidays. If you don't get your kid 402 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,680 Speaker 1: for Christmas, you work it out, you do Christmas another day. 403 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 1: As I've discussed before, same thing. I used to panic 404 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,199 Speaker 1: nine days away from my child because there was a 405 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 1: loophole in the custody agreement. And on a President's week, 406 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,040 Speaker 1: I would obsess over it. I wouldn't sleep over it. 407 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,679 Speaker 1: I would panic, how am I going to fix it? 408 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:25,159 Speaker 1: I was exasperated. I couldn't handle it. And you know 409 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:28,640 Speaker 1: we survived. You survived. I don't remember it. I don't 410 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 1: even remember it. And part of the time you're with 411 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 1: your kid, they're driving your nuts anyway, they're exhausted. It's 412 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,399 Speaker 1: just like the idea of things are often harder than 413 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,920 Speaker 1: the reality. Just like chip away at it, but don't 414 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,000 Speaker 1: get in your head. Try to be calm and under pressure. 415 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:58,680 Speaker 1: It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. 416 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 2: Want to back to the futterm