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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the podcast. It is so great to have you here,

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Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. Today, I have such a

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Speaker 1: special guest episode for you, one that goes places we've

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Speaker 1: never been before. On the podcast, we are talking to

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Speaker 1: somebody who has spent most of her life navigating a

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Speaker 1: chronic illness, being in the public eye, and just learning

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Speaker 1: how to exist in a world that can be very

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Speaker 1: cruel to people who look different. She was diagnosed just

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Speaker 1: six years old with a rare medical condition. Her story

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Speaker 1: is one of amazing power, resilience, creativity. You may know

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Speaker 1: her from her modeling work, her advocacy, her behind the

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Speaker 1: scenes content at the Oscars, on Runways film premieres, amongst

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Speaker 1: many other things. Welcome to the podcast. Nikki Lely.

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Speaker 2: Thank you. I was just like, that was the most

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Speaker 2: incredible intro. Really, that was amazing, Okay.

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Speaker 1: I honestly thank you for saying that, because I always

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Speaker 1: like to make sure our intros just cover every amazing

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Speaker 1: dimension of somebody. You did.

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Speaker 2: That was incredible. Thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 2: I was just saying to you before we started I've

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Speaker 2: been a fan of yours for so long, so this

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Speaker 2: feels insane And.

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Speaker 1: The fact that you found me on substack is crazy.

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Speaker 2: No, Honestly, as soon as I joined substack, just as

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Speaker 2: like someone that wanted to get more into reading and

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Speaker 2: it's really introspective and overthinkinger, I was like, okay, I

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Speaker 2: need to go to substack, and your substacks were literally

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Speaker 2: the first thing I was recommended, so it was meant

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Speaker 2: to be.

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Speaker 1: I think it was.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you want the full cycle, can say.

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Speaker 1: I know, well, full circle, but like in the opposite

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Speaker 1: direction where I feel like this is what most people

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Speaker 1: know me for, and the fact that you found me

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Speaker 1: on my substack, where like I'm a little bit more vulnerable.

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Speaker 2: No, I love it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that means a lot. I always forget to get

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Speaker 1: people to introduce themselves. I always just jump into the

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Speaker 1: question same briefly, introduce yourself. Who are you? How do

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Speaker 1: most people? How might people know who you are? Already?

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Speaker 2: So I'm nicky most people know me as n he

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Speaker 2: lily online and I started making videos like you said,

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Speaker 2: around eight years old, and it all came from me

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Speaker 2: being diagnosed with a condition called AVM at six and

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Speaker 2: I was a super active, chatty, outgoing child. Had to

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Speaker 2: give up all of the things I loved that made

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Speaker 2: me happy as a six year old, and my life

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Speaker 2: was very empty. It was very lonely, and so YouTube

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Speaker 2: became a way for me to connect to the outside world.

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Speaker 2: And so I would watch videos from my hospital bed

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Speaker 2: and almost feel like I was friends with these people

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Speaker 2: I was watching for like twenty minutes, I could escape

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Speaker 2: from treatments or hospital monitor sounds or whatever it was.

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Speaker 2: And so one day I asked my mum and dad

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Speaker 2: if i'd be allowed to post a video on YouTube,

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Speaker 2: and they're obviously apprehensive looking back, me being eight years

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Speaker 2: old is actually insane, but I think they understood it

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Speaker 2: was like the exception to the rule because I needed something,

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Speaker 2: and so it became my project for myself, something to

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Speaker 2: put my energy into that was mine that helped me regrect,

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Speaker 2: gain control, and to focus on outside of what I

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Speaker 2: was doing. So that happened when I was eight years old,

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Speaker 2: and now I'm twenty one, and since then, I've done

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Speaker 2: advocacy work. I've spoken at the United Nations a lot

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Speaker 2: of my It's funny because when I first started making videos,

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Speaker 2: I didn't address my condition at all for like three years.

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Speaker 2: It was just kind of like a world in which

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Speaker 2: I wanted to exist without my condition being a factor

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Speaker 2: because it had taken up every part of my real life.

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Speaker 2: And so it was just me sharing my love of

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Speaker 2: makeup and like you know, baking and things that I

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Speaker 2: was finding as I was diagnosed to put my energy into,

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Speaker 2: my time into and so that's kind of how it

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Speaker 2: all began. It was not something where it boomed from

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Speaker 2: the beginning, but as I posted more on YouTube, I

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Speaker 2: started to gain a following and started to do some

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Speaker 2: work on TV and now I'm here. That was like

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Speaker 2: the longest intro to myself ever. That was not short

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Speaker 2: at all. Oh, I think that was. I feel like

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Speaker 2: there's a lot more that you could answer. Yeah, I know,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, let me just stop now, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: don't worry.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, first follow up, what YouTubers did you watch before

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Speaker 1: you started posting? Do you remember?

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, of course it was like Zouella classically

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Speaker 2: like all of the brick Crew they called it. So

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Speaker 2: it was like Zoella Alfie Tanya Bar Tania Bar is

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Speaker 2: a funny one because I recently, like were actually a

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Speaker 2: couple of years ago, met her we were in a

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Speaker 2: queue for the same event and you have to like

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Speaker 2: cue up for the carpet, and she started talking to

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Speaker 2: me first, and in my head all I could think was,

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Speaker 2: oh my gosh, little Nikki would be dying right now,

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Speaker 2: like I bought her makeup line, like literally that whole

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Speaker 2: group was obsessed with them. And so we talked for

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Speaker 2: like twenty minutes. I didn't actually even tell her my name.

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Speaker 2: We were just talking, and then she kind of left

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Speaker 2: and then I didn't see her, and she'd followed me

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Speaker 2: like straight away after.

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Speaker 1: And you were like, yeah, oh my god.

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Speaker 2: No honestly, especially when I'm sure you've that same way

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Speaker 2: when something happens that you know your younger self would

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Speaker 2: just die over. It's the most full circle things. So

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Speaker 2: I would watch them. I also would watch a lot

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Speaker 2: of like American beauty Guru Bethany Mto, Oh my god,

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Speaker 2: Bethany Motor, Michelle Farm like Hyler, Oakly, Jokersepher, like all

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Speaker 2: of that group choice of arm before he was like no,

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Speaker 2: literally all of them. I was just obsessed. I'd watch

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Speaker 2: like all of their vlogs at vid Cone and it would.

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Speaker 1: Be like, you know what, Oh my god, we had

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Speaker 1: actually Arden Rose. I don't know if you know podcast

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Speaker 1: the other day and we were talking about how like

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Speaker 1: you would watch the same video by like seven different

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Speaker 1: people and it was literally just the same different You'd

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Speaker 1: be like load them up, and you'd be like and

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Speaker 1: that one next, and like before you go to school.

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Speaker 2: I was obsessed, especially with Zoella. I remember doing like

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Speaker 2: reviews of her new like collections when you were when.

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Speaker 1: You were on YouTube, I was of full circle. Let's

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Speaker 1: talk about AVM. Yeah, can you talk about what it's

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Speaker 1: like to have it? But also for people who may

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Speaker 1: not know what it is, what's a little brief overview

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Speaker 1: that they.

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Speaker 2: Could n Yeah. So I was born with my AVM,

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Speaker 2: and you have to be born with an AVM, but

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Speaker 2: it can become active at any age. So someone could

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Speaker 2: live up until twenty one, which is my age now,

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Speaker 2: and then it could be triggered until then, never know

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Speaker 2: they have it, never have any signs, never really show

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Speaker 2: up on scans unless they were kind of looking for it.

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Speaker 2: And so till I was six years old, both sides

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Speaker 2: of my face looked the exact same. There was no

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Speaker 2: inkling that there was anything wrong with me. And then

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Speaker 2: at six years old, I started having veins and sweating

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Speaker 2: appearing on the right side of my face. Didn't know

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Speaker 2: what it was, didn't think much of it, but we

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Speaker 2: went to the doctor. The doctor very quickly referred me

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Speaker 2: to another doctor and then ensued a bunch of tests

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Speaker 2: and scans and just hospital stuff and appointments, and then

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Speaker 2: after a couple of months, it was very quick turn

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Speaker 2: around because everyone was kind of like, what is going on.

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Speaker 2: I was told with my parents sat in kind of

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Speaker 2: a dingy hospital room that I had in AVM. So

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Speaker 2: an AVM is basically an abnormal connection between your arteries

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Speaker 2: and your veins. So all over your body you have arteries,

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Speaker 2: veins and capillaries, and capillaries go in between your arteries

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Speaker 2: and veins to balance out the high and low flow

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Speaker 2: pressures between them. But when you have an AVM, your

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Speaker 2: capillaries basically aren't formed in the places that they need

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Speaker 2: to be, so your arteries and veins collide directly into

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Speaker 2: each other and tangle. So it's an abnormal connection, and

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Speaker 2: because of that, there's a build up of pressure from

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Speaker 2: the blood vessels, which causes pain, swelling, appearance of veins,

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Speaker 2: but also the worst part for me and people with

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Speaker 2: AVMs is bleeding, so you can have life threatening bleeds

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Speaker 2: because of the build up of pressure. It's almost like

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Speaker 2: a pressure cooker where there can be a build up

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Speaker 2: of pressure and that blood vessel is just ready to

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Speaker 2: go and then you can have like a really bad bleed.

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Speaker 2: So I was in a coma when I was thirteen

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Speaker 2: because of the goodness, yeah, for eight days because of

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Speaker 2: the bleeds so bad. Yeah. So I've had a lot

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Speaker 2: of like near death experiences, and I think that's what's

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Speaker 2: crazy is I think a lot of people on social media,

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Speaker 2: I mean, if you followed me for a while, you'll

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Speaker 2: know kind of as much as you can the depth

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Speaker 2: of what I've been through, like physically, but a lot

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Speaker 2: of people just know me from my appearents and not

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Speaker 2: like the physical side because I share it, but I don't,

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Speaker 2: you know, I'm not like pulling my phone out when

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Speaker 2: I'm in the emergency room or I'm in a hospital appointment,

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Speaker 2: So what they see is more me talking about like

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Speaker 2: my parents versus the physical side that affects me, you know,

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Speaker 2: day to day, Like I every Wednesday or every other

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Speaker 2: Wednesday have to go and see my nose doctor so

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Speaker 2: he can check if there's any blood vessels that need

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Speaker 2: to be you know, treated so that I don't then

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Speaker 2: start having a bleed. So it's always you never feel

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Speaker 2: like you're stable. There's no sense of stability when you

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Speaker 2: have an AVM, and currently there's no cure. Everything's kind

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Speaker 2: of trials or I've been on three trial drugs, none

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Speaker 2: of them were for me. I've had ninety eight surgeries

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Speaker 2: to just try and maintain my symptoms for four years.

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Speaker 2: Me and my parents used my parents use their savings

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Speaker 2: to get me treatment in America for four years every

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Speaker 2: six to eight weeks. So my life has kind of

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Speaker 2: become about like treat and repeat and hospital, and when

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Speaker 2: I was younger, especially hospital, we talked about it as

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Speaker 2: if it was my second home. And I've always kind

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Speaker 2: of struggled a lot with like my relationship with my

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Speaker 2: body because from a very early age it's kind of

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Speaker 2: given over to doctors and stitched up, cut into it

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Speaker 2: didn't feel like mine. So for a lot of my life,

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Speaker 2: I haven't really had autonomy over my body, which is

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Speaker 2: been a really hard thing because I think when you're younger,

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Speaker 2: like you know, you're trying to find yourself and find

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Speaker 2: who you are and have a sense of self and identity.

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Speaker 2: So when like your body, which is kind of the

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Speaker 2: biggest thing you have that's with you at all times,

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Speaker 2: it's kind of been given over to these other people,

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Speaker 2: and you know, your life becomes so out of control

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Speaker 2: so early, it was incredibly difficult. Yeah. I think that's

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Speaker 2: the thing with dealing with an AVM is that it's

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Speaker 2: or any chronic illness where there is no end in sight,

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Speaker 2: there's no cure. It's so hard because you just feel

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Speaker 2: like a duck that's just kind of trying to tread

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Speaker 2: above water and you never know, Like I could have

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Speaker 2: a good period for a month and then suddenly, like

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Speaker 2: you know, hell breaks loose and I'm in the hospital

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Speaker 2: having nine bleeds a day.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god.

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Speaker 2: So I'm you know, I'm doing things like the oscars

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Speaker 2: or things like that. But the anxiety I felt like

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Speaker 2: leading up to the oscars because it felt like something

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Speaker 2: that was set in stone, and my life is so

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Speaker 2: not set in stone that anything like that. It's like

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Speaker 2: I never get excited for it because the nerves of

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Speaker 2: this isn't going to happen, or something's going to happen.

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Speaker 2: That means that this, you know, doesn't follow through is

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Speaker 2: so big and has been in my life. That's been

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Speaker 2: the case that it's very hard for me to look

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Speaker 2: forward to things and instead be so anxious that it's

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Speaker 2: not even going to to happen.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is the thing that I was so interested

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Speaker 1: in talking to you about, is the psychological side of

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Speaker 1: a chronic illness and the fact that a lot of people,

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Speaker 1: as you said, would see, I don't know, a visual

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Speaker 1: difference and that would be it. Yeah, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's so important that you talk about and that you

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Speaker 1: are talking to us about. No, there's all this other

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Speaker 1: side of it, like this the mental load of the

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Speaker 1: anxiety that you're explaining. And what really struck me about

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Speaker 1: that was you being like, yeah, all these great things

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Speaker 1: are happening. Imagine not being able to even look forward

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Speaker 1: to the good stuff because of how distressful that might be.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I've been in and out of therapy my whole

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Speaker 2: life and different things, and in therapy at the moment

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Speaker 2: having EMDR for chronic PTSD. Yeah, sow finding it it's hard,

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, it is. I went into EMDR because

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Speaker 2: it kind of felt like the only option CBT wasn't

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Speaker 2: going to work for me. Because I knew I knew. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm almost too over therapisted, Like I know everything, I

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Speaker 2: know why things have happened. I know my mental place

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Speaker 2: is a product of my physical health mostly, and so

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Speaker 2: I know all of that. So that's not going to

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Speaker 2: work for me. I needed to feel like I was

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Speaker 2: doing something that was like progress and an actual tangible

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Speaker 2: thing because so much of my life has been things

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Speaker 2: that haven't been that. So talking about issues is great,

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Speaker 2: and you definitely need to do that, but that's just ruminating.

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Speaker 2: So EMDR for me, I've had fifteen sessions of it.

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Speaker 2: I've got five left. It's a lot. First, when we

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Speaker 2: first started doing EMDR with my therapist, we actually made

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Speaker 2: a like almost a timeline of all of the traumatic

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Speaker 2: things that have happened to me since I was six

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Speaker 2: years old. And it was like two pages long, and

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Speaker 2: it was the most crazy thing too, and we kind

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Speaker 2: of put the dates, although it was a bit blurry,

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Speaker 2: and like named each experience and it was so insane

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Speaker 2: to kind of see your trauma kind of laid out

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Speaker 2: like that. And so then we kind of went through, okay,

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Speaker 2: which one is the worst out of all of the

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Speaker 2: worst traumas, and have been targeting that and it is

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Speaker 2: the most kind of the biggest workout for your brain ever.

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Speaker 2: I do think that it's helping, But after I do

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Speaker 2: a MDR, I'm like gone for the whole time, so exhausted.

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Speaker 2: I remember the first time I had a MDR, I've

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Speaker 2: literally thought I'd been drugged. I was like, what has

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Speaker 2: happened to me? I can't position dizzy, just knocked out,

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Speaker 2: Like I just felt like I wasn't in my body.

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Speaker 2: Because obviously you kind of also dissociate a little bit

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Speaker 2: when you're doing that, because you're back in the experience.

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Speaker 2: So EMDR is great because I feel like it's directly

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Speaker 2: kind of attacking certain things that have happened to me.

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Speaker 2: It's hard because I'm also dealing with the reality still

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Speaker 2: in a way, but it means that because you're bringing

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Speaker 2: up like the worst things that have ever happened to

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Speaker 2: you that you would naturally put back in the back

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Speaker 2: of your mind, You're then kind of you have your MDR,

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Speaker 2: and then the rest of your week you're left with

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Speaker 2: that kind of just being at the surface of your

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Speaker 2: mind and having to deal with that. So that's yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's hard, but I'm kind of relieved that I feel

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Speaker 2: like I'm doing something that has like a beginning and

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Speaker 2: an end in a way. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think also like you have been not

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Speaker 1: to put words in your mouth, but you have been

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Speaker 1: in medical institutions for the majority of your life. You

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Speaker 1: have probably an incredible medical like a knowledge being, dictionary

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Speaker 1: of terms, see psychological understanding. I'm sure you've met a

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Speaker 1: million psychologists, a million case workers, a million social workers.

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Speaker 1: I feel like for somebody like you who is incredibly

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Speaker 1: self aware, it's something I see with like CBT all

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Speaker 1: the time where it's just like incredibly difficult to not

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Speaker 1: just hear what somebody has to saying, like come on,

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Speaker 1: I heard that exactly, but then a million times cool,

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Speaker 1: we've got the knowledge I need to do something practical.

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Speaker 1: I'm so glad that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. And my therapist keeps catching me out because we'll

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Speaker 2: be going through a memory and I'll say, She'll always

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Speaker 2: stop me and be like, what do you feel now?

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Speaker 2: What do you see now? And I'll start I can't

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Speaker 2: just say the thing. I have to then analyze the

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Speaker 2: thing and explain it is like stop analyzing it, yeah,

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Speaker 2: just stop analyzing, just say the thing and continue. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: And I think it comes from like that being That's

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Speaker 2: the thing is when you're so over kind of therapist

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Speaker 2: and so self aware. I mean, I'm so self aware

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Speaker 2: even of my body. I've had to be tapped into

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Speaker 2: it that you do that in general too much that

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Speaker 2: then I feel like it's almost also me trying to

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Speaker 2: because I'm so used to no one understanding that I

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Speaker 2: have to over explain, over compensate, over justify. So I

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Speaker 2: find that I'm doing a lot in therapy and my

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Speaker 2: therapist is always calling me out, being like, just go

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Speaker 2: with the feeling. You don't need to explain the feeling,

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Speaker 2: you don't need to make sense of it, just go

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Speaker 2: with it.

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Speaker 1: So interesting that you said, like you're so in touch

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Speaker 1: with your body because probably, like mostly your condition would

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Speaker 1: like necessitate that, like any pain might be incredibly threatening

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Speaker 1: or important to deal with. But it's like that even

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Speaker 1: when you're trying to like heel through trauma, you probably

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Speaker 1: feel that in your body a lot more intensely than

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Speaker 1: most people as well.

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Speaker 2: Totally, And it's this weird thing where I'm constantly kind

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Speaker 2: of in this fight or flight mode where you know,

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Speaker 2: I could have the tiniest kind of niggle or feeling

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh my god, where are my tissues.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to have a nosebleed. And that has been

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Speaker 2: the case sometimes because my nose beeds can just come

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Speaker 2: on out of nowhere. So you're constantly kind of preparing

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Speaker 2: for danger. Your body's constantly in that kind of state,

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Speaker 2: which means that I'm never able to kind of relax

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Speaker 2: or return to a baseline. And so like with my therapist,

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Speaker 2: we've been talking about a lot about window of tolerance.

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Speaker 2: And you know, obviously the window of tolerance when you

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Speaker 2: have a lot of traumatic event or a destabilized kind

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Speaker 2: of nervous system or disregulated that your window of tolerance

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Speaker 2: is so much smaller, and you bounce up above it

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Speaker 2: or down below it much quicker, so hyper or hypo arousal.

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Speaker 2: And so for me, I think what's been helpful with

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Speaker 2: therapy is I'm so self aware, but I also treat

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Speaker 2: that self awareness as like I'm very hard on myself.

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Speaker 2: And so what it's helped me with is being able

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Speaker 2: to apply these theories to myself and make sense of

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Speaker 2: them when a lot of my life has been not

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Speaker 2: being able to kind of put something in a box

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Speaker 2: and make sense of it as just that because it's

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Speaker 2: so much and it's so messy. But equally, you know,

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Speaker 2: I'm so tapped into my body, but I'm also I've

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Speaker 2: been through a lot of like dissociation from my body

355
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Speaker 2: and detachment where it's because it's not felt like mine,

356
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Speaker 2: it doesn't feel like it's mine. I remember I had

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Speaker 2: a massive surgery a few years ago. It was a

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Speaker 2: twelve hour surgery and I was recovering for four and

359
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Speaker 2: a half months, and that was one of the I mean,

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Speaker 2: the rock bottom of my life, that whole recovery period,

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Speaker 2: and I remember looking at my hands and being like,

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Speaker 2: these hands don't feel attached to my body, Like I

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00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,600
Speaker 2: felt so outside of my body because so much had

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00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,000
Speaker 2: happened that it was kind of like, yeah, you need

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Speaker 2: to shut down to just survive through this. But yeah,

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Speaker 2: I think you know, therapy is one of those things

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Speaker 2: where it's almost like the most important relationship outside of

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Speaker 2: the one you have with yourself. To have a good

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00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,840
Speaker 2: therapist or a bad therapist or psychologist can make or

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Speaker 2: break your experience. Yes, because I've had some rubbish ones

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Speaker 2: where I go into it instantly a note in my gut,

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Speaker 2: this isn't going to work.

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Speaker 1: How do you know that it's just.

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Speaker 2: A feeling I gets. It's almost like I guess, like

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Speaker 2: speed dating, like we're dating. It's that feeling of like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: this isn't going to work, or this I feel like

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Speaker 2: this could work. Obviously, you know you can't. You need

378
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,800
Speaker 2: time to see. But I do feel like for me,

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Speaker 2: the person matters as much as the therapy. So I

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Speaker 2: feel like and also in my life, a lot of

381
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:06,000
Speaker 2: doctors for medical stuff haven't seen me as a whole person.

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Speaker 2: They've seen me as a problem that needs facing.

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Speaker 1: I was going to say, I feel like you would

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Speaker 1: have a good nose for it because you've probably dealt

385
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Speaker 1: with a lot of people in this setting. You can

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Speaker 1: tell who has genuine empathy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, is that?

388
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Speaker 1: Do you think your empathy radar is quite too high?

389
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:20,040
Speaker 1: Too high?

390
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,159
Speaker 2: Oh my god, in the sense of I'm such a

391
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,359
Speaker 2: deep feeler and I'm so overly aware of like there

392
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,080
Speaker 2: could be a change in energy in the room, and

393
00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,840
Speaker 2: I'm like, someone's angry with me, someone's upset, you know.

394
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,520
Speaker 2: So I'm so aware of that. And I think I

395
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,639
Speaker 2: completely understand, especially in a medical lens, that doctors have

396
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,960
Speaker 2: to detach themselves from their work. I mean, I could

397
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,480
Speaker 2: never do what they do day in day out, you know,

398
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,719
Speaker 2: delivering hard news, doing these insane surgeries, and then go

399
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,720
Speaker 2: home and carry that all with me. You know, you

400
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,600
Speaker 2: can't do that. You have to learn to detach thing

401
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:55,040
Speaker 2: with therapy and therapists and whatever else. But equally a

402
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,720
Speaker 2: lot of doctors have kind of seen me and told me,

403
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,080
Speaker 2: through my life from a very early age, complicated. This

404
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,440
Speaker 2: is complex. You're a problem. You're an eleven out of ten,

405
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,880
Speaker 2: and so you apply that to you as a person,

406
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:11,920
Speaker 2: especially when you're so young, or this can't be fixed.

407
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,080
Speaker 2: So it's like you're constantly kind of sat in this

408
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,080
Speaker 2: hospital waiting room and watching everyone else around you leave

409
00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:20,440
Speaker 2: the room, but you're still stuck in it because your

410
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,399
Speaker 2: problem is never solved. And a lot of doctors have

411
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:27,439
Speaker 2: kind of seen me as yeah, a problem and not

412
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,639
Speaker 2: as a whole human. They think, Okay, we can do

413
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,000
Speaker 2: this drastic surgery that might help you, but they're not

414
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,120
Speaker 2: thinking how is that going to impact my life? How

415
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,680
Speaker 2: is that going to impact me as a human? How

416
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Speaker 2: is that going to impact me as a thirteen year old,

417
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Speaker 2: fifteen year old, twenty one year old who wants to

418
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Speaker 2: also live as much of a normal life as you

419
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:47,600
Speaker 2: possibly can, and so I think that's been really hard.

420
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,000
Speaker 2: Like paradox is that of course I need, you know,

421
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,399
Speaker 2: to have their health support and the medical support, but

422
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Speaker 2: a lot of doctors have never seen me as a

423
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,560
Speaker 2: whole person. So it's like as soon as I leave

424
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Speaker 2: that hospital, I know that they're not considering what I'm

425
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,919
Speaker 2: going through outside of the hospital. Like it's like you

426
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,400
Speaker 2: get discharged from hospital and it's like, okay.

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Speaker 1: Off you go.

428
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, but no, then I'm dealing with four and a

429
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,840
Speaker 2: half months of recovery in my room, not leaving it.

430
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Speaker 1: And do you think sometimes they see it as like

431
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,520
Speaker 1: an intellectual problem maybe for them, Yeah, yeah, where they're

432
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,119
Speaker 1: like you're a challenge, this is interesting to me.

433
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Speaker 2: Or I've had a lot of which is no problem

434
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,440
Speaker 2: with that, but a lot of like junior doctors who've

435
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,440
Speaker 2: come in and they've been like, can they, you know,

436
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 2: be a part of this appointment so they can see

437
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,720
Speaker 2: your case and stuff like that. Like I remember once

438
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:39,120
Speaker 2: when I was younger, going into a doctor's appointment and

439
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,520
Speaker 2: having about I think I must have been nine, and

440
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,960
Speaker 2: having about fourteen doctors surrounding me like.

441
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:49,480
Speaker 1: That you nine, Yeah, been really scary.

442
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:50,879
Speaker 2: Especially know their names.

443
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,760
Speaker 1: I didn't know their names probably. And then also when

444
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,879
Speaker 1: most people and you included, would see a doctor be

445
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,159
Speaker 1: like something's really wrong, having that many doctors around you

446
00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,480
Speaker 1: would probably have thought the worst.

447
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah that's good.

448
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah I can imagine. Do you want to talk

449
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:10,960
Speaker 1: about your YouTube channel?

450
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:11,879
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's do it.

451
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,240
Speaker 1: Do you want to talk about what it's been like

452
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:20,440
Speaker 1: spending so much of your life on social media? Yeah?

453
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:20,880
Speaker 2: Like crazy?

454
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:27,000
Speaker 1: How is your relationship to it changed? Like before we started,

455
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,399
Speaker 1: the listeners need to know we were just like Chatty

456
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:32,160
Speaker 1: Kathy's before.

457
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,520
Speaker 2: Oh my god, yeah it was so good.

458
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,159
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you were talking about how, you know, you

459
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,480
Speaker 1: started TikTok and you've got like a million followers in

460
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:42,440
Speaker 1: like a month. But that individual, that younger you, who

461
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,720
Speaker 1: like started it as an escape to now like, yeah,

462
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,119
Speaker 1: how has the relationship changed?

463
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,040
Speaker 2: Such a good question. I mean it's changed a lot.

464
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,360
Speaker 2: When I first started YouTube and put myself on social media,

465
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,879
Speaker 2: there was no part of my brain that was like,

466
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,760
Speaker 2: this is going to be a job I need to

467
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,200
Speaker 2: perform or be a certain way. There was no part

468
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,159
Speaker 2: of my brain because it's also that innocent still that

469
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 2: you have as a child that this is play. I'm

470
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,760
Speaker 2: going to do this for fun, like you know, this

471
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,720
Speaker 2: is for me, which all of us as adults, we

472
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,400
Speaker 2: lose that. And that's a lot of what I talk

473
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,600
Speaker 2: about and just think about in life is how I

474
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,280
Speaker 2: need to tap back into that somehow. Yeah with the

475
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,280
Speaker 2: new podcast, Yeah exactly, Like I talk a lot about

476
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,880
Speaker 2: how life becomes and think a lot about how life

477
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,719
Speaker 2: becomes so serious that we actually lose playtime. And if anything,

478
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,480
Speaker 2: adults need that more than even kids because there's so

479
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,600
Speaker 2: much more that takes away playtime.

480
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,320
Speaker 1: I need. We need to do a whole episode on this.

481
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,280
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I would love a deep personal philosophy

482
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:37,159
Speaker 1: of mine. I'm glad that you are.

483
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:37,720
Speaker 2: I would love that.

484
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:38,119
Speaker 1: I know.

485
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:39,960
Speaker 2: I knew that as soon as we met you would

486
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:40,560
Speaker 2: just hit it off.

487
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:44,280
Speaker 1: I love playtime. I honestly do. So many episodes where

488
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 1: like we talk about whimsy and fun. But I feel

489
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:50,919
Speaker 1: like when we're kids, you were talking about like you

490
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,360
Speaker 1: started YouTube, It's like this thing is an escaping also

491
00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 1: because it was fun and now it's your job, you

492
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 1: do love it less I do.

493
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,760
Speaker 2: If I'm going to be honest, I miss I mean

494
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,600
Speaker 2: social media, and I'm sure you can agree has changed

495
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,360
Speaker 2: so much as a landscape. It's become in an amazing whey,

496
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 2: it's become very legitimate now, and it's become something that

497
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:14,640
Speaker 2: you can do, you know, financially. Like I remember when

498
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 2: it was like the zoellism and stuff, how they kind

499
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,760
Speaker 2: of still weren't really taken that seriously or like it

500
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,479
Speaker 2: was like, why is she so successful? I don't understand,

501
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 2: whereas now it's you know, it's one of the biggest

502
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,600
Speaker 2: markets in the world social media, but I miss the

503
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,919
Speaker 2: I think this also just happens with growing up. You

504
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,959
Speaker 2: become more self aware of yourself and more aware of

505
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 2: how people perceive you and how you perceive you and

506
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,840
Speaker 2: our external opinions and voices, and that is really difficult.

507
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 2: And also when you become your work, it's this really

508
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 2: hard thing. Where where does Nikki Lily start and where

509
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:53,040
Speaker 2: does Niki end? And Niki Lily obviously is still me.

510
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 2: My name is Nicki, my middle name is Lily. But

511
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,359
Speaker 2: in a way I've had to create a little bit

512
00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 2: of distance from both in order to hang her up

513
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,639
Speaker 2: at the end of the day and still be me.

514
00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:07,520
Speaker 2: Nicky is me. But it's also like to others, an

515
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:11,480
Speaker 2: inspiring more inspiring version of me. It's a more aspirational

516
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,480
Speaker 2: version of me, more positive as all of us are

517
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:17,280
Speaker 2: on social media. It's just a heightened version. And it's

518
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 2: been incredible because honestly, I don't think there's many jobs,

519
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:23,080
Speaker 2: if any, I could have had with my circumstances except

520
00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:25,520
Speaker 2: social media. So in that way, it's been, you know,

521
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 2: such a gift. And I'm so so lucky because having

522
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 2: such unpredictable health, you know tomorrow I could be in hospital.

523
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,719
Speaker 2: I just don't know. It would be incredibly hard for

524
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,040
Speaker 2: me to maintain a job for like a company in

525
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,520
Speaker 2: normal nine to five. And so in that way, I'm

526
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,640
Speaker 2: so grateful that I've been able to, alongside my condition

527
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,280
Speaker 2: do and have a job, because that's what a lot

528
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,879
Speaker 2: of people with disability to struggle with is that a

529
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,160
Speaker 2: lot of people have to rely on others for that unfortunately.

530
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,679
Speaker 2: And so I think how social media has changed for

531
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 2: me is that I still absolutely love it. I think

532
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 2: the hard part for me now is because I'm such

533
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,560
Speaker 2: an overthinker, because I'm such a perfectionist, as we've been

534
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:09,480
Speaker 2: talking about, and I lack so much control in myself.

535
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,200
Speaker 2: I try and find that even more from my job

536
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,680
Speaker 2: because also my job is me, so it links back

537
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,239
Speaker 2: to that. I'm sure you feel the same, And so

538
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 2: the hard part is how do I make videos that

539
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,720
Speaker 2: still fulfill that younger part of me that is just

540
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,399
Speaker 2: for fun, but also how do I make videos that

541
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,879
Speaker 2: perform well for my job? And that is the paradox

542
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:36,200
Speaker 2: that I deal with every single day. Yeah, yeah, I'm

543
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,119
Speaker 2: sure you feel the same.

544
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, I do. And it's just weird. It's just such

545
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,720
Speaker 1: a weird thing where you're like, I want to keep

546
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 1: parts of me private, but I also know that like

547
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,360
Speaker 1: we've gotten to the stage of social media where the

548
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 1: only thing left that people care about is just like

549
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:53,040
Speaker 1: extreme vulnerability exactly because they're like, I've seen it all,

550
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,399
Speaker 1: I've seen it all. We're like getting to like I

551
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,120
Speaker 1: feel like like digging down. Everybody wants like the most

552
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,520
Speaker 1: vulnerable nugget of truth about you for them to consume,

553
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,679
Speaker 1: and sometimes I'm like, I don't really want to do that.

554
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,480
Speaker 1: That's why I like don't have TikTok, because I was

555
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,120
Speaker 1: just like, I just can't give over every single part

556
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,920
Speaker 1: of my life to an audience. Yeah, especially since I've

557
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,240
Speaker 1: spent my whole twenties talking about what it's like basically

558
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,040
Speaker 1: documented chronicle my entire tray. I know, like two episodes

559
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:19,840
Speaker 1: a week. I talk about myself for two hours a week.

560
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,040
Speaker 1: It's it's getting a little bit boring at this point.

561
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 2: But you know, like how I'm going to do?

562
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 1: You know, I mean, there's only so much like you

563
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:29,400
Speaker 1: can scrape the barrel. Have you ever considered quitting social media?

564
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,720
Speaker 1: I know you said it's this, it's this amazing job

565
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: for you.

566
00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:35,360
Speaker 2: I do have. I think a lot of us when

567
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 2: we hit that burnout phase, and I've kind of been

568
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 2: in it recently a lot. If I'm gonna be honest,

569
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:41,520
Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever been more burnt out in

570
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,640
Speaker 2: my life. Really, Okay, yeah, I don't know what it is.

571
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:50,160
Speaker 2: I think that I've what's been incredible is me being

572
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,080
Speaker 2: able to do things like the Oscars or like in

573
00:27:52,119 --> 00:27:55,040
Speaker 2: two weeks I'm going to can Film Festival, or you know,

574
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,280
Speaker 2: these massive moments speaking at the United Nations. I've done

575
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,240
Speaker 2: so many incredible things that I almost then go back

576
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,320
Speaker 2: to my baseline of life and I'm like, Okay, what

577
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,720
Speaker 2: do I post now? What do I talk about now?

578
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,360
Speaker 2: I feel very lost in between those moments, even though

579
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 2: I know what I need to do, I know what

580
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,240
Speaker 2: I need to talk about, but it's almost like there's

581
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,719
Speaker 2: this barrier mentally that I'm also like, I have so

582
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:19,440
Speaker 2: many ideas, I have so many thoughts, where do I start?

583
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,080
Speaker 2: And then that's when I start spiraling because I don't

584
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:24,680
Speaker 2: have a very logical brain. My brain goes straight to emotion.

585
00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:27,240
Speaker 2: So then it's kind of like me being like, maybe

586
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,320
Speaker 2: I'm just not cut out for this job, you know.

587
00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 2: And then I watch videos on TikTok, and it's like

588
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:35,480
Speaker 2: I can't enjoy the videos because I'm just comparing myself

589
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:40,360
Speaker 2: to maybe their their engagement or maybe their idea. And

590
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,840
Speaker 2: so would I stop social media? I mean at this point,

591
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 2: not in the near future. I still have so much

592
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,440
Speaker 2: that I want to do. And for me, it's such

593
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 2: a special place. I found a community on it. It's

594
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,360
Speaker 2: given me a sense of purpose, it's given me a

595
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 2: sense of control and reclamation of my life. But equally,

596
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 2: it isn't a job that has much stability, and so

597
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,680
Speaker 2: that is the hard part is when in my life

598
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:07,200
Speaker 2: I want control and I search for it so deeply,

599
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:09,480
Speaker 2: and then when you have a job that does not

600
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 2: have the stability, I don't go into in an amazing way.

601
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 2: I don't have to go into an office five days

602
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,640
Speaker 2: a week or three days a week. But equally I

603
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:18,160
Speaker 2: don't have to go into an office five days or

604
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 2: three days a week. So then what do I do

605
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 2: with myself? And I thrive off of routine and structure

606
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 2: and stability because my life and my body is the

607
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 2: complete opposite of that. So then when you're kind of

608
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 2: chucked into this job that is so last minute, that

609
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:34,080
Speaker 2: is so unpredictable, that is so reliant on other people,

610
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,280
Speaker 2: you know, your followers or brands or whatever else it

611
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:39,320
Speaker 2: may be, but he's equally so relignt on you because

612
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,840
Speaker 2: you are the product. You are the thing, and the

613
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 2: cog doesn't move unless you're the one moving it. With

614
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:50,160
Speaker 2: this job, it is so hard to not compare. And

615
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 2: I think maybe it's like this delayed burnout where I've

616
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,120
Speaker 2: been doing this for so long, Like I'm only twenty one,

617
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:57,920
Speaker 2: But if you can, like a lot of people started

618
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 2: social media and covid, which was kind of the natural trajectory.

619
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,720
Speaker 2: Now they're doing social media full time. I've been doing

620
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:07,480
Speaker 2: it for like over a decade, and so because of that,

621
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 2: I feel like I've had this delayed kind of buy now.

622
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,160
Speaker 2: I've always gone through phases where I'm like, I don't

623
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,280
Speaker 2: know what I'm doing. I'm really lost, I'm really uninspired this,

624
00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 2: that and the other. Like we all do with jobs,

625
00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:18,360
Speaker 2: you know, we always question what we're doing, even if

626
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,360
Speaker 2: we love our job. We always think like it's the

627
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:22,400
Speaker 2: grass greener over here, you know, what should I be

628
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 2: doing differently? And it's always great to want to grow,

629
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:29,320
Speaker 2: but I feel like I really struggle to take in

630
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,560
Speaker 2: where I'm at and be happy with it. So I

631
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 2: feel like at the moment, I'm having a little bit

632
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,760
Speaker 2: of like a what am I doing with my life?

633
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,320
Speaker 2: What do I post? Where do I go? What's important?

634
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 2: What do people want from me? And it's almost then

635
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,480
Speaker 2: like paralyzing because I'm then like I don't know where

636
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 2: to go or what to do. And so I will

637
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:49,240
Speaker 2: always love social media, and even if you know, a

638
00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:51,160
Speaker 2: few years down the line, I decide that I want

639
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,120
Speaker 2: to be less involved in social media aspect, I would always,

640
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 2: i think, want to do something camera facing in some way.

641
00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,200
Speaker 2: I feel like, you know, I've done so much work

642
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 2: around advocacy to suddenly kind of even though that'd be

643
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,200
Speaker 2: completely fine, to suddenly disappear. I think would be such

644
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:09,960
Speaker 2: a shame for the facial difference community and the disability community.

645
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,959
Speaker 2: But there is a lot of times where I'm kind

646
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 2: of like, is this right for me? Am I doing

647
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 2: this right? I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm

648
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 2: A couple of weeks ago, I actually forced myself to

649
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 2: leave London and I went to the countryside for like

650
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:25,800
Speaker 2: a couple of days with one of my fads. We

651
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 2: literally were in like a shepherd's heart habit in the

652
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 2: middle of nowhere.

653
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:30,960
Speaker 1: I was like, where is that?

654
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 2: No, Honestly, we went to the New Forest and it's

655
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 2: kind of like a couple of hours outside of London.

656
00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:39,640
Speaker 2: Absolutely loved it. We went into this small town and

657
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,280
Speaker 2: there were just donkeys on the pavement like there were pedestrians.

658
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:45,960
Speaker 2: It was amazing, so cute. So I needed that because

659
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:49,480
Speaker 2: I think we can get so it can feel like

660
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,200
Speaker 2: a rat race sometimes in this job, and especially when

661
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 2: you've been I've been through a lot, it becomes a

662
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,600
Speaker 2: rat race, and then some with all of the other

663
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 2: stuff I've got on top. So I absolutely love what

664
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:03,280
Speaker 2: I do and I'm so grateful for what it's given me.

665
00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:04,720
Speaker 2: You know, the fact that I went to the Oscars

666
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 2: this year is insane, like could have never ever ever

667
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,960
Speaker 2: pictured myself in that room. But equally, I do all

668
00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:13,760
Speaker 2: of these amazing things, and then I kind of go

669
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 2: back to reality and I'm like, I don't know what

670
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 2: to do with myself now because you're so kind of

671
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:21,640
Speaker 2: consumed when you're in the moment of that thing, and

672
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:23,280
Speaker 2: then you go back to baseline. I come back to

673
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,440
Speaker 2: London and I go back home, go back to my normal,

674
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 2: and I'm so happy shying my normal. My normal has

675
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,000
Speaker 2: always actually been what's resonated most with people, with my

676
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,120
Speaker 2: reality of my life. But then I'm like, where do

677
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:35,640
Speaker 2: I what is the balance?

678
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:39,800
Speaker 1: You know? It sounds very like golden handcuffs. Yeah, vibe

679
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:43,120
Speaker 1: where it's like, this is a great job, dream job. Yeah,

680
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: I'm like supporting myself. I'm going to these amazing things,

681
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 1: but also like hard sometimes I would like a break.

682
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:51,880
Speaker 1: And the thing with social media is like there is

683
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:55,000
Speaker 1: no break. Yeah, because that's the job, right, that is

684
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,240
Speaker 1: the job. Can we talk about your comment section for a.

685
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,880
Speaker 2: Second, Yeah, comments section. There was a.

686
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:06,120
Speaker 1: Video that you made last year that it was like

687
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:10,080
Speaker 1: a trend of people in your comments of cropping crapping

688
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 1: your face and only showing one side of your face. Yeah,

689
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:17,960
Speaker 1: and then essentially like flipping it and showing your face without.

690
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 2: Using AI to ask, like prompt it to do.

691
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,920
Speaker 1: That, to like remove yeah, to remove half of your

692
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 1: face to remove your visual differences.

693
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 2: I'm still getting it today as well.

694
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 1: Really, God, people are awful. Just how does a few

695
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:32,520
Speaker 1: on people do that?

696
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:40,840
Speaker 2: It felt so dehumanizing. It was so weird because also

697
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:42,800
Speaker 2: it was on a video that was just a trend.

698
00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 2: It was a photo of me when I was younger,

699
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:45,720
Speaker 2: and then you swiped and it was a photo of

700
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 2: me now, And I think I got tens of thousands

701
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:54,320
Speaker 2: of comments all of a sudden, of people, yeah, cropping

702
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:57,280
Speaker 2: the photo of me now to just show the left

703
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:59,680
Speaker 2: side of my face that doesn't have my condition, or

704
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:05,200
Speaker 2: commenting it and then saying wasted potential or the potential

705
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:09,360
Speaker 2: she could have had or Nikki, I've fixed it, or

706
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:11,960
Speaker 2: commenting the photo of me where they've got the like

707
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,480
Speaker 2: AI also like using an I for such a stupid

708
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 2: thing to mirror my face so that it completely takes

709
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:22,040
Speaker 2: away that side of my face with my condition, and

710
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,440
Speaker 2: then saying commenting it and saying you look so pretty.

711
00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 1: Oh God, that's really sad. So sad it makes to

712
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 1: be kind of emotion that makes me really angry.

713
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:34,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's like I've spent this makes me emotional.

714
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:36,920
Speaker 2: I've actually felt emotional about it for a really long time.

715
00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:38,600
Speaker 1: It's awful behavior.

716
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:44,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've spent my whole life trying to accept myself

717
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 2: like and hating myself, to be honest, like my appearance,

718
00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,879
Speaker 2: my life, my body, hating it all. No one has

719
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 2: been at all of the hate comments. No one has

720
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,240
Speaker 2: said to me something that I've not said to myself.

721
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,680
Speaker 2: From a young age, I felt so out of control

722
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,400
Speaker 2: and I felt so angry with my self and my

723
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:04,920
Speaker 2: body that it was almost going against me, and yet

724
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 2: I was still having to live with it. My body

725
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,080
Speaker 2: and my parents felt like my enemy, and I just

726
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,000
Speaker 2: couldn't comprehend it. So the only thing I would do

727
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,440
Speaker 2: is self hate and you know, all of that kind

728
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:16,799
Speaker 2: of stuff, because it felt like controlled, like how you know, yeah,

729
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:20,480
Speaker 2: what we all do. And so I've spent my whole

730
00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:23,840
Speaker 2: life trying to accept the body and the face that

731
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 2: I now have and my new reality and the fact

732
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:29,879
Speaker 2: that I don't look like an average person and see

733
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,400
Speaker 2: that as something that is not a negative thing. And

734
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,560
Speaker 2: I've internalized a lot of stuff growing up, you know,

735
00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:38,280
Speaker 2: not looking the same as anyone in a room, constantly

736
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 2: feeling like the black sheep or kind of othered and

737
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:41,920
Speaker 2: not being able to put in a box, and that

738
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:44,920
Speaker 2: making people uncomfortable, being set out on the street from

739
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:46,719
Speaker 2: a very early age, and therefore not wanting to leave

740
00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 2: the house because of that, being scared of kids my

741
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:51,640
Speaker 2: own age that you normally would go outside and play

742
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,120
Speaker 2: with because they would be the ones pointing and whispering.

743
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 2: And so they basically undid all of that self work

744
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:01,520
Speaker 2: that I've done and the trauma that I've kind of

745
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:04,680
Speaker 2: internalized growing up, and did all of that work I'd

746
00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:08,799
Speaker 2: done to get through that and heal from that, just

747
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:12,160
Speaker 2: through their comments. And even though obviously I'm so aware

748
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:15,000
Speaker 2: and always tell myself, like I see hate comments now,

749
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:17,080
Speaker 2: I was like, poor you, Like you must have such

750
00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:18,680
Speaker 2: a sad life to do that, Like that's what I

751
00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:21,920
Speaker 2: was spending your time on. But this felt so personal.

752
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,560
Speaker 2: It felt completely different because you are going to the

753
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:29,839
Speaker 2: effort of screenshoting my face and cropping it and then

754
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,239
Speaker 2: commenting it, and then you know, captioning the comment or

755
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 2: asking Ai, you are going through steps to.

756
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:36,879
Speaker 1: Do this, multiple points where you could say, maybe this

757
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:38,120
Speaker 1: is a really awful idea.

758
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:41,520
Speaker 2: Exactly, you could question your conscience here even if you

759
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,560
Speaker 2: think that, even if you think, oh gosh, you would

760
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 2: look so beautiful if both sides of face look the same,

761
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 2: which would be obviously horrible thing. Why are you commenting it?

762
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:53,520
Speaker 2: Why do you think you're doing me a favor? That's

763
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:58,280
Speaker 2: what I found so confusing and difficult about the comments

764
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 2: is everyone was struck sharing it and phrasing things when

765
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:03,839
Speaker 2: they were commenting these photos in a way as if

766
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 2: they were helping me, and in a way as if

767
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 2: it was out of kindness and like they're a good person,

768
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:08,600
Speaker 2: or like.

769
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:12,319
Speaker 1: A compliment you the thing where somebody's like sorry, I'm like,

770
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:15,799
Speaker 1: you cannot even imagine why you would say that, because

771
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,240
Speaker 1: it's not like you can change, and even if you could,

772
00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 1: why why would you say that?

773
00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,839
Speaker 2: So it's basically like, oh, my appearance isn't good enough

774
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:26,960
Speaker 2: for your ideas of what pretty is or what it

775
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,160
Speaker 2: means to be a human, so you can erase that

776
00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:32,319
Speaker 2: half that doesn't fit your standards.

777
00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:34,839
Speaker 1: And it's also like, oh, you're not all we care

778
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:37,360
Speaker 1: about is I don't know, making or thinking of you

779
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,240
Speaker 1: as beautiful and also ignoring perhaps the side of your

780
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:43,920
Speaker 1: of your like of your chronic illness. That is as

781
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:50,560
Speaker 1: we spoke about before, psychologically, physically, emotionally, socially really intense. Yeah,

782
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:55,520
Speaker 1: and all they're focusing on is wasted potential.

783
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,120
Speaker 2: Or it was like, oh god, knew you'd be too

784
00:37:58,120 --> 00:37:59,719
Speaker 2: good looking at by the sides of your face look

785
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:01,120
Speaker 2: the same, So you had to do that to you?

786
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 1: Oh my god. So when you saw see those comments,

787
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:11,279
Speaker 1: is it rage? Is it sadness? Do you have a

788
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:14,640
Speaker 1: sense of like I want to retaliate because I feel

789
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,319
Speaker 1: like those would all be very natural, And I.

790
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 2: Kind of did retaliate with this one. Yeah. I initially

791
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:24,560
Speaker 2: was like so confused. I was like, what is going on?

792
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,719
Speaker 2: Like how has this become a thing just this one point.

793
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:30,160
Speaker 2: It's just a video, Like it's just a normal video.

794
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:33,600
Speaker 2: It's not even addressing my appearance. It's just literally two photos,

795
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:37,080
Speaker 2: and it's become a trend. Like it was. I could

796
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 2: not go into my comments without seeing it. And if

797
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,840
Speaker 2: it wasn't on that video, it was on other videos.

798
00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:44,480
Speaker 2: And it's like then I couldn't even engage with people

799
00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:47,440
Speaker 2: that were being nice and were my normal followers because

800
00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:49,719
Speaker 2: of that, it was a sea of it, and so

801
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:52,200
Speaker 2: initially I was just like, what is going on? Like

802
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:54,960
Speaker 2: I couldn't comprehend it, like where it had come from?

803
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,760
Speaker 1: Why people or something?

804
00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:59,960
Speaker 2: And also why is your brain going to so many people?

805
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,279
Speaker 2: So many people? And I'm sure a lot of them

806
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:04,840
Speaker 2: are children, but that is not an excuse. That is

807
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:09,240
Speaker 2: not good enough for me. And so initially it was confusion,

808
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 2: and then it was rage. And I kind of took

809
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 2: a break from social media for a week after it

810
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:17,960
Speaker 2: started happening, and I sat with it, and I wanted

811
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,200
Speaker 2: a video addressing it, but I really wanted to kind

812
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:22,759
Speaker 2: of come back down from all of these really. You know,

813
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:24,480
Speaker 2: obviously we would like to react and we would like

814
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:26,000
Speaker 2: to kind of do things in the moment, And I

815
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:27,719
Speaker 2: was like, I need to give myself a moment to

816
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,600
Speaker 2: actually work out do I want to give this time?

817
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:32,440
Speaker 2: Do I want to actually make a video addressing this

818
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:34,879
Speaker 2: because a lot of comments and haters just want your

819
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:38,200
Speaker 2: time and want to be recognized. So I was like,

820
00:39:38,239 --> 00:39:40,000
Speaker 2: do I actually want to give this the time it

821
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 2: doesn't deserve? But I thought this is an issue so

822
00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 2: much bigger than the comments. This is discrimination and it's

823
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:51,360
Speaker 2: just not good enough. And so, you know, me being

824
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:55,000
Speaker 2: like a patron for face equality and all the stuff

825
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,440
Speaker 2: I do, it felt like I would be doing an

826
00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:00,920
Speaker 2: injustice if I didn't talk. This is just such a

827
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:03,960
Speaker 2: bigger issue than just me. Yeah, And so I did

828
00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:07,120
Speaker 2: address it, and it was kind of a lot about

829
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:09,960
Speaker 2: saying like kind of how dare you? And like, by

830
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 2: you doing this, you are racing half of me. And actually,

831
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,880
Speaker 2: my condition makes me who I am. It's not who

832
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:18,280
Speaker 2: I am. I do things in spite of my condition,

833
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,759
Speaker 2: but my condition is the reason I am who I

834
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:23,560
Speaker 2: am today. It's completely changed me as a person. So

835
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:25,760
Speaker 2: by your racing that, you're racing what I've been through.

836
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:28,400
Speaker 2: You're racing you know, all of the self work that

837
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,000
Speaker 2: I've done in one comment and you don't care.

838
00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:34,279
Speaker 1: And before you posted that, did you talk to like

839
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,000
Speaker 1: your friends about it? Your parents? And what did they say?

840
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: Were they probably can imagine being your parents, they would

841
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:43,839
Speaker 1: be like, I don't we don't want any more of this.

842
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:46,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's yeah. My mum was quite worried about me

843
00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:49,000
Speaker 2: posting it. Yeah, because also at the end, I was like,

844
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:51,000
Speaker 2: get off my page. And she was like, oh, maybe

845
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:52,719
Speaker 2: you shouldn't say that, and I was like, well, no,

846
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,279
Speaker 2: get off my page. You know, I'm never very outspoken

847
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:58,200
Speaker 2: like that. I've always been like, I never get involved

848
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:00,120
Speaker 2: in not that this is drama, but I never get

849
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,720
Speaker 2: involved in controversy. I'm not controversial. I never get involved

850
00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:04,720
Speaker 2: in drama. And if I speak about issues, it's because

851
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,560
Speaker 2: they are real issues. And so this felt like it

852
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:09,800
Speaker 2: was kind of leaping a little bit out of that box.

853
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,080
Speaker 2: But it was directly addressing something that I'd been through

854
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:15,280
Speaker 2: and an issue today of discrimination, not just a facial difference,

855
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:17,839
Speaker 2: but body type, color, whatever it may be, but in

856
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:21,960
Speaker 2: my own way and how it has affected me. I

857
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,800
Speaker 2: filmed the video. I kind of had a few talking

858
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:27,480
Speaker 2: points because I was like, I want this to be

859
00:41:27,719 --> 00:41:30,840
Speaker 2: as deal will lended as possible. I want to adjust

860
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,680
Speaker 2: the fact that this isn't okay, but also kind of

861
00:41:33,719 --> 00:41:36,480
Speaker 2: be like, get off my page, end it with a positive.

862
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:39,680
Speaker 2: So I really wanted to sit there and think, like, Okay,

863
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:41,920
Speaker 2: how do I want to structure this. I kind of

864
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,080
Speaker 2: let myself just speak from the heart, but also I

865
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:46,160
Speaker 2: wanted to relay things in the best way I could,

866
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,560
Speaker 2: and I sent it to my friend, one of my

867
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 2: best friends, and she was like, this is amazing. Post it.

868
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:53,160
Speaker 2: And when I posted it, I was so anxious. I

869
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,000
Speaker 2: was like, oh no, maybe I should have posted it.

870
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:58,000
Speaker 2: And that video has got ten million reviews on TikTok

871
00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:01,680
Speaker 2: about me addressing it, and thousands on comments on Instagram

872
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:05,400
Speaker 2: of people, you know, followers and people saying I cannot

873
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 2: believe people are doing this, and so if anything actually

874
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:13,680
Speaker 2: helped people. Even now, if people comment that on my videos,

875
00:42:13,719 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 2: other people say why are you doing this? She said,

876
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,319
Speaker 2: she doesn't like it and this isn't okay. So it's

877
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:21,320
Speaker 2: kind of created more allyship, I feel like, and also

878
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,640
Speaker 2: made people that don't have a facial difference or a

879
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:28,239
Speaker 2: bodily difference aware of a really big issue on social media.

880
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,080
Speaker 2: But it's also it's down to the social media apps.

881
00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:34,400
Speaker 2: They're not doing enough. And that's my constant like paradox

882
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:36,920
Speaker 2: as well with using social media. So I'm like, you're

883
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:38,920
Speaker 2: not doing enough to support people like me.

884
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:44,240
Speaker 1: Also that they make so much money off of views, likes, engagement,

885
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:48,719
Speaker 1: off of the the reputation that you give platforms of

886
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,160
Speaker 1: like you are somebody who goes to the oscar, somebody

887
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:53,880
Speaker 1: who goes to somebody who does this, you have legitimized

888
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:57,719
Speaker 1: social media as a business that benefits them, and then

889
00:42:57,719 --> 00:43:01,719
Speaker 1: they'll just let people tearing you and do nothing about it.

890
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 2: So that's also really disheartening with And I get it

891
00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 2: such a big issue and it takes so many people

892
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:09,640
Speaker 2: to change almost the most minute thing when it's such

893
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:13,680
Speaker 2: a big company or you know, check, But equally, when

894
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:16,000
Speaker 2: this is such a big issue and it's so rampant

895
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:19,040
Speaker 2: in so many ways, not just for people's facial differences,

896
00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:21,879
Speaker 2: there should be more in place to give people more

897
00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:25,400
Speaker 2: authority and more control over their accounts to be able

898
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:28,800
Speaker 2: to enjoy social media and enjoy posting and not fear

899
00:43:29,719 --> 00:43:32,520
Speaker 2: the backlash because that is not free speech, that is hating,

900
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:33,440
Speaker 2: lat's discrimination.

901
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:36,359
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, I feel like you've handled that in just

902
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: like the most amazing way I tried. Yeah. I think

903
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:43,759
Speaker 1: you deserve a lot of credit for it. That's fucking hard. Yeah,

904
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,080
Speaker 1: and you're like when you were what twenty, when that happens.

905
00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:48,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's also just such like an unforeseen thing,

906
00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:51,239
Speaker 2: like I've never seen anyone, yeah, deal with that at

907
00:43:51,239 --> 00:43:53,320
Speaker 2: such a large scale. So I was also just like,

908
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:56,000
Speaker 2: I don't know how to how to deal with this,

909
00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:57,840
Speaker 2: how to take this, how to respond.

910
00:43:58,239 --> 00:43:59,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, now that you say it, it's like I've never

911
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:03,360
Speaker 1: I've never seen anything like that. No, And obviously, like

912
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:07,040
Speaker 1: people get trolled when they've like at the center of drama, yeah,

913
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:10,680
Speaker 1: or something's happened, but for it to be that individual

914
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:12,640
Speaker 1: and personal and for you to be going through that

915
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:15,520
Speaker 1: at twenty and just being like fuck.

916
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:19,440
Speaker 2: Completely like unprovoked, like just a normal innocent TikTok.

917
00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:23,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm glad people are kind of now they can

918
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:26,040
Speaker 1: police it for you. Yeah, and now they can be

919
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: like get out, get the fuck out of here, exactly.

920
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,879
Speaker 2: I think that's the thing is there is I feel

921
00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:33,799
Speaker 2: like we will have a lack of like allyship on

922
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,759
Speaker 2: social media and also in life. I think we will

923
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:38,719
Speaker 2: need to be more supportive of one another. And I

924
00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:42,440
Speaker 2: completely get life happens, and obviously you're focusing on like

925
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:44,359
Speaker 2: your shit, and you know, it's always a ton of vision.

926
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:47,920
Speaker 2: I'm like that, But you shouldn't have to like people

927
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:53,279
Speaker 2: that are going through the issue, whatever it is, discrimination, misogyny, misogyny,

928
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:55,600
Speaker 2: whatever it is, they shouldn't have to be the ones

929
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:58,480
Speaker 2: that are constantly speaking about the issue. It should be

930
00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:00,520
Speaker 2: the people around them that are less affair by the

931
00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:03,920
Speaker 2: issue that also speaking about it and you know, pushing

932
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:06,920
Speaker 2: that along and voicing it and amplifying the voice. So

933
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:08,520
Speaker 2: that's what I talk a lot about with you know,

934
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,759
Speaker 2: a facial difference. Advocacy is like being an ally is

935
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:16,600
Speaker 2: literally just supporting the message and saying like, this isn't okay,

936
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:18,879
Speaker 2: why are you doing that? And so that is one

937
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,799
Speaker 2: beautiful thing about what has come out of social media

938
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,680
Speaker 2: is as much as I can obviously say this isn't good,

939
00:45:24,719 --> 00:45:27,080
Speaker 2: this isn't good, I obviously obviously spend most of my

940
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:29,520
Speaker 2: life on it because it is my job. And so

941
00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:32,440
Speaker 2: there is a beauty in the community I've built. And

942
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,600
Speaker 2: also I have gone from being stared at on the

943
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:39,840
Speaker 2: street because of my appearance only on face value, whereas

944
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:42,040
Speaker 2: when I was younger, whereas now I get stared out

945
00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:44,160
Speaker 2: on the street mainly because people recognize me.

946
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: Wow.

947
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,719
Speaker 2: So that's been a really beautiful shift.

948
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:49,960
Speaker 1: And is it nice as well to feel like if

949
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:52,200
Speaker 1: somebody is looking at you you can be like, yeah,

950
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:54,799
Speaker 1: it's because of that, yeah other reason.

951
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:56,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not always that I'm not like, oh, you

952
00:45:56,680 --> 00:45:59,520
Speaker 2: know me like instantly, but I do feel like it's

953
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:01,920
Speaker 2: beautiful now because they'll make me see my condition and

954
00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:05,319
Speaker 2: that's like how they know it's Niki, but it's like

955
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 2: they see Niki, And I think that's what's beautiful is

956
00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 2: I've spent so much of my life only being seen

957
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:15,080
Speaker 2: as my condition, my doctors, by myself, by people on

958
00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:18,680
Speaker 2: the street, peers, whatever it may be. It's been really

959
00:46:18,719 --> 00:46:21,600
Speaker 2: beautiful to be able to change that narrative through what

960
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:26,319
Speaker 2: I do with especially kids and young people, as like

961
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:29,319
Speaker 2: I am Nikki, Lily, I'm Nikki, I'm not oh the

962
00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:30,760
Speaker 2: girl with the medical condition.

963
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:31,719
Speaker 1: Yeah.

964
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,560
Speaker 2: So when people recognize me now, they're just coming up

965
00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 2: to me and saying like, oh, I love you, Can

966
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:35,680
Speaker 2: I have a photo?

967
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:36,600
Speaker 1: Or they just speak to me.

968
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 2: And that's been really special because I've spent so much

969
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:43,080
Speaker 2: of my life hiding myself. Like even now, I from

970
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:45,759
Speaker 2: very early age internalize like things to do when I

971
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:47,640
Speaker 2: walk past a big group of people, or like do

972
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:50,279
Speaker 2: this and scratch my head to you know, pretend that

973
00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:52,719
Speaker 2: I've can't itch that covers my eye when I'm going

974
00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:56,720
Speaker 2: through a busy place, Like I still do it. Really, Yeah,

975
00:46:56,920 --> 00:47:05,279
Speaker 2: it's so internalized. You went to the oscars, I know,

976
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,759
Speaker 2: crazy crazy. Yeah, do you want to talk about that,

977
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:09,560
Speaker 2: Let's do it.

978
00:47:09,719 --> 00:47:12,040
Speaker 1: When you were there, did you have that impulse?

979
00:47:13,239 --> 00:47:17,520
Speaker 2: I was so anxious about the Oscars because firstly I

980
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:20,120
Speaker 2: was like, I'm not an actor, don't know why I'm here,

981
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:22,080
Speaker 2: Like I had such bad imposter sydrome.

982
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:25,279
Speaker 1: Honestly, they invite so many people who are just doing

983
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,840
Speaker 1: amazing things. Yeah, they know all difference based exactly.

984
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:30,120
Speaker 2: So the Oscars have twenty five spaces to fill every

985
00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:32,120
Speaker 2: year that are outside of cast crew. And you know,

986
00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:34,759
Speaker 2: other people go to the Oscars, and I was one

987
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:38,080
Speaker 2: of those twenty five. Globally, I think I was the

988
00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:40,880
Speaker 2: only person from the UK, And so it's like you

989
00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:43,040
Speaker 2: and your plus one, which is who'd you bring? Insane?

990
00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:46,600
Speaker 2: I just brought my manager, borring I honestly, I I

991
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:48,480
Speaker 2: no offense to my manager. I would have loved to

992
00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:50,880
Speaker 2: have rung like a friend or a family member, but

993
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:54,200
Speaker 2: I knew that my manager would be the most supportive

994
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:57,640
Speaker 2: in that high pressure environment, like he can navigate the

995
00:47:57,719 --> 00:48:00,279
Speaker 2: room for me, because I knew that if I bring

996
00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:02,560
Speaker 2: like a family member or a friend, I'm then having

997
00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 2: to worry about, Okay, where do I need to go?

998
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:06,760
Speaker 2: Whereas the carpet, whereas like he can assert that because

999
00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:07,880
Speaker 2: he is my manager.

1000
00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:08,160
Speaker 1: Job.

1001
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:10,839
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, so I was like, you know what, it's

1002
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:12,680
Speaker 2: probably the best idea to do that. But I brought

1003
00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:15,400
Speaker 2: my best friend with me to La, so like the

1004
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,239
Speaker 2: surrounding experience was with her and we went to like

1005
00:48:18,239 --> 00:48:19,680
Speaker 2: an after party together.

1006
00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:21,640
Speaker 1: But which after party?

1007
00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:24,600
Speaker 2: Elton John's after party, but.

1008
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:27,600
Speaker 1: He wasn't there. Wait, what I know, you can't call

1009
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:30,560
Speaker 1: it Elton John's after party if Elton John isn't there. Exactly,

1010
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:32,800
Speaker 1: I'm calling it a tailors of concert and she's not performing.

1011
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:35,160
Speaker 2: No, Honestly, I think he'd like We got there pretty

1012
00:48:35,200 --> 00:48:37,080
Speaker 2: late because I had to go back to the hotel

1013
00:48:37,239 --> 00:48:39,840
Speaker 2: and like change because I couldn't have won that dress

1014
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:40,560
Speaker 2: to a party.

1015
00:48:40,760 --> 00:48:43,839
Speaker 1: The white dress, Yeah, gorgeous. By the way, you would

1016
00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:45,080
Speaker 1: have gotten dirty there, I feel.

1017
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:46,960
Speaker 2: Like exactly even in the bottom of it was getting

1018
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:48,360
Speaker 2: dirty just on the street.

1019
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:49,080
Speaker 1: Who are you wearing?

1020
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:51,879
Speaker 2: So it's a brang called lu Chen. She actually has

1021
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:55,080
Speaker 2: a dress in the met Gala this year, which is whoa. Yeah,

1022
00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:57,879
Speaker 2: she'd turned that dress around in a week.

1023
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:03,720
Speaker 1: Go and look this dress. It's it's like a wedding

1024
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:07,760
Speaker 1: dress level of just like crazy couture.

1025
00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's I don't know how she did it. I

1026
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:12,240
Speaker 2: was kind of anxious because I've never done a custom

1027
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:15,080
Speaker 2: dress before, and obviously when you're doing something like that,

1028
00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 2: you have to wear that dress. Someone spent their time

1029
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:17,719
Speaker 2: and their effort on it.

1030
00:49:17,840 --> 00:49:19,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't just go and get something else.

1031
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:21,440
Speaker 2: No. Yeah, I'm so used to having options, and options

1032
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:23,920
Speaker 2: make me feel safe because I'm like, we've got plan A,

1033
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:26,040
Speaker 2: plan B, plan C. So for this, it was like

1034
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:28,120
Speaker 2: I was putting all my eggs in one basket and

1035
00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,080
Speaker 2: being like, this, well, this is what I'm wearing. And

1036
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:31,520
Speaker 2: because it was the Oscars, I was like, but what

1037
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:33,360
Speaker 2: if I don't like it? What if it's not perfect?

1038
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:36,360
Speaker 2: It was perfect and I couldn't have been happy with it,

1039
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:38,200
Speaker 2: And because it was custom, I can now keep it,

1040
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:41,320
Speaker 2: so I can if I ever have children or like whatever,

1041
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:44,600
Speaker 2: I can be like, this is what I WoT the Oscars.

1042
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:47,960
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that is the couse fricking thing. Yeah,

1043
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:49,920
Speaker 1: because normally you don't get to keep the dress. You

1044
00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:50,960
Speaker 1: have to give it back exactly.

1045
00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:53,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the thing I don't think people get is

1046
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,280
Speaker 2: like everything you're giving back.

1047
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:56,880
Speaker 1: Like a bratling for you.

1048
00:49:56,920 --> 00:50:01,040
Speaker 2: No, but Yeah, the Oscars was phenomenal. I like I

1049
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:04,760
Speaker 2: blacked out. I was so anxious from the moment I

1050
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:06,520
Speaker 2: to be honest, from the moment I woke up that day,

1051
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:08,280
Speaker 2: I was so anxious. I woke up at seven am

1052
00:50:08,320 --> 00:50:11,720
Speaker 2: because I had to be ready by mid day. Oscars

1053
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:13,600
Speaker 2: is like you have you're sat by four for the

1054
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,560
Speaker 2: you know, for the oscar. So you have to get there.

1055
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:17,520
Speaker 2: It takes an hour because of the traffic because they

1056
00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:23,200
Speaker 2: shut down lay the Chinese. It's I think it's the Dolby.

1057
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:23,879
Speaker 1: Theater, Doby Theater.

1058
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:28,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's like a big Oscar is massive deal.

1059
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:32,319
Speaker 2: But I was so anxious, like I was. We were

1060
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:33,759
Speaker 2: in the car on the way and I was like

1061
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:36,880
Speaker 2: I can't do this, Like I was, I thought I

1062
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:39,200
Speaker 2: was gonna be sick. No, honestly, I whenever I do

1063
00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:41,720
Speaker 2: something like that, it may seem like can or whatever,

1064
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:45,080
Speaker 2: it may seem like I'm fine. I am like having

1065
00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:48,200
Speaker 2: the biggest panic attack of my life. Inside. I black out.

1066
00:50:49,120 --> 00:50:50,560
Speaker 2: I blacked out from the moment I got in the

1067
00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:52,359
Speaker 2: car on the way there to the moment we sat down,

1068
00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:54,640
Speaker 2: like the whole of the red carpet, I barely remember.

1069
00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:58,160
Speaker 1: Okay, the fact that you cannot remember it, and you

1070
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:03,200
Speaker 1: the you looked that amazing, just because like the poses

1071
00:51:03,239 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 1: you like, you were like your body took over and

1072
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:08,280
Speaker 1: you that's exactly how my body.

1073
00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:10,840
Speaker 2: Oh really yeah, I don't know what did, but I

1074
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:13,040
Speaker 2: think my body almost went into like fight flight or freeze,

1075
00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:13,719
Speaker 2: and it's just like.

1076
00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:17,000
Speaker 1: Okay through this before and you were like exactly what I'm.

1077
00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:20,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I blacked out. But I think whenever something

1078
00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:22,359
Speaker 2: like that happens, all I want is for it to

1079
00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:24,640
Speaker 2: just go well and everything to align. And because there

1080
00:51:24,680 --> 00:51:26,800
Speaker 2: was such a big build up, I knew since November

1081
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:29,160
Speaker 2: I was going I actually couldn't. It kind of did

1082
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:30,919
Speaker 2: for like a wedding where it's like, you know, there's

1083
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:33,839
Speaker 2: this massive date in this massive day and you're kind

1084
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:36,000
Speaker 2: of like everything needs to work out, so this will

1085
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:38,480
Speaker 2: kind of goes smoothly, and you know this could be

1086
00:51:38,480 --> 00:51:40,040
Speaker 2: the one time I do it in my life, like

1087
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 2: a wedding, so let's you know, let's make it count.

1088
00:51:43,160 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 2: So I was just like, please let everything go well

1089
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:47,400
Speaker 2: for me for once, and it did. It couldn't have

1090
00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:50,400
Speaker 2: gone better than I imagine, And it was honestly amazing

1091
00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:53,120
Speaker 2: that we had such amazing seats and I could see

1092
00:51:53,120 --> 00:51:56,520
Speaker 2: like the back of Timothy Shannaone's head, like yeah, okay.

1093
00:51:56,239 --> 00:51:59,400
Speaker 1: Wait, wait wait, I have I have three follow up questions.

1094
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 1: Number one, what did you eat? What do they give

1095
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:04,279
Speaker 1: you in terms of food and drink?

1096
00:52:04,320 --> 00:52:06,920
Speaker 2: Okay, So when you're there in the theater, they give

1097
00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:10,040
Speaker 2: you a snack box under your under your chair, and

1098
00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:12,520
Speaker 2: it had like chocolate in it, it had popcorn in it,

1099
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:14,360
Speaker 2: and it has a drink. That's all you get for

1100
00:52:14,400 --> 00:52:17,680
Speaker 2: the ceremony. But it's like the Oscar snack box. Oh

1101
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,279
Speaker 2: my god, I found this new chocolate that I was

1102
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:22,400
Speaker 2: obsessed with and I couldn't find it anywhere. Snow caps,

1103
00:52:23,200 --> 00:52:26,520
Speaker 2: So they're chocolate chips covered in sprinkles and you just

1104
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:29,200
Speaker 2: like pull them out and they are insane. So I finished,

1105
00:52:29,239 --> 00:52:31,440
Speaker 2: like because I hadn't eaten all day. Whenever I'm anxious,

1106
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:33,440
Speaker 2: I don't eat. It's like my body is like you

1107
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:36,120
Speaker 2: can't eat or this is done. It's like it just

1108
00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:38,360
Speaker 2: tenses up and freezes up. I'm like the opposite of

1109
00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:41,280
Speaker 2: like a comfort eater, and I can't eat when I'm stressed,

1110
00:52:42,120 --> 00:52:45,480
Speaker 2: So I ate like midnight that night. But so you

1111
00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:47,200
Speaker 2: get a snack box and that's just it at the

1112
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,359
Speaker 2: Oscar because obviously you're not on tables. You're like in

1113
00:52:49,360 --> 00:52:53,080
Speaker 2: a theater, like a yeah, and everyone it's so funny,

1114
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:55,600
Speaker 2: like at the front they're all there eating theirs snacks

1115
00:52:55,600 --> 00:52:57,040
Speaker 2: in between like the main.

1116
00:52:58,960 --> 00:52:59,439
Speaker 1: Snow cap.

1117
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:03,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a photo of like Teyana Taylor who's a actress,

1118
00:53:03,040 --> 00:53:04,960
Speaker 2: and she's got like her snack box like on the

1119
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:08,160
Speaker 2: floor and she's like in this like photo and it

1120
00:53:08,239 --> 00:53:10,040
Speaker 2: just makes it all seem so much more like funny

1121
00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:11,640
Speaker 2: in real life. I mean, people got to eat.

1122
00:53:11,880 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 1: You know, that is crazy because I was like, and

1123
00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:16,400
Speaker 1: it's a long it's like four hours, right.

1124
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:20,200
Speaker 2: Very long. But after they have something called the Governor's

1125
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:21,799
Speaker 2: Ball and it's like in a separate room and that's

1126
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:24,600
Speaker 2: where the Oscars winners get their name engraved on their

1127
00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:26,799
Speaker 2: oscar because obviously they don't know who's gonna win, so

1128
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:30,800
Speaker 2: they only put it on after the spread of food

1129
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:36,320
Speaker 2: was crazy. So they have wolfgam Puck who's a chef,

1130
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:39,320
Speaker 2: like do all the food. And it was like tables

1131
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:41,400
Speaker 2: of food. They had a whole dessert table, they had

1132
00:53:41,400 --> 00:53:43,640
Speaker 2: a whole hot food table, they had a whole ice

1133
00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:46,640
Speaker 2: cream section. I feel like I didn't enjoy it, probably

1134
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:48,640
Speaker 2: because I was in this white dress, like I can't

1135
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:50,759
Speaker 2: get anything on this. Yeah, you can't got a full

1136
00:53:50,800 --> 00:53:52,840
Speaker 2: face of makeup and I've got extensions in This is

1137
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:55,600
Speaker 2: not the vibe to be like indulging in food.

1138
00:53:55,920 --> 00:53:57,560
Speaker 1: Dude, I love how I'm like, So what was what

1139
00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:58,960
Speaker 1: are you eating? Also with a may?

1140
00:53:59,360 --> 00:54:01,439
Speaker 2: I mean I had I had a little burger, I sat,

1141
00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:02,960
Speaker 2: I sat down. I had a burger and I had

1142
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:04,400
Speaker 2: a hot dog and I had a nice cream.

1143
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:04,879
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1144
00:54:05,200 --> 00:54:06,840
Speaker 2: But it was so funny. Me and my manager are

1145
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:08,600
Speaker 2: like perched on the end of this sofa with like

1146
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:11,279
Speaker 2: some Oscars winners, and the Oscars was just on the

1147
00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:14,240
Speaker 2: table in silence, and I was just eating my burger.

1148
00:54:14,400 --> 00:54:16,680
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Well this brings me my next question.

1149
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:19,800
Speaker 1: So first question was food was good, but you didn't

1150
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:21,240
Speaker 1: really have much because you were anxioent.

1151
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:22,040
Speaker 2: I had was good.

1152
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:24,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're a little little bit a little bit Who

1153
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:27,400
Speaker 1: were you the most shell shocked to meet?

1154
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:30,759
Speaker 2: So I didn't meet that many people because when you

1155
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:33,919
Speaker 2: do the carpet, especially, you're giving time slots to go on. Yeah,

1156
00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:35,720
Speaker 2: so it kind of runs like a well loyered machine.

1157
00:54:35,719 --> 00:54:37,600
Speaker 2: It's like, you know, a smooth run, not like a

1158
00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:41,640
Speaker 2: massive queue of people in the carpet. I was really

1159
00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:44,600
Speaker 2: excited to meet, you know, Amelia de Moldenburg who does

1160
00:54:44,719 --> 00:54:47,760
Speaker 2: Chicken Shop Date because she does the interviews on the carpet,

1161
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:50,600
Speaker 2: so that was really cool. I did want. Yeah, I

1162
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:53,120
Speaker 2: did one which is really and like the Academy, like

1163
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:56,600
Speaker 2: poasted it and it was crazy. So that was really cool.

1164
00:54:56,640 --> 00:55:00,960
Speaker 2: That was very full circle. But McKenna gray, she's an actress.

1165
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,480
Speaker 2: She's going to be in the New Hunger Games, She's

1166
00:55:03,560 --> 00:55:06,239
Speaker 2: going to be Daphnie like Scooby Doo. She's in Five

1167
00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:09,120
Speaker 2: Nights of Freddy's so many other things. She's amazing. She's

1168
00:55:09,160 --> 00:55:11,719
Speaker 2: like a young actress. She's nineteen, which is.

1169
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:14,400
Speaker 1: She is also the girl who was like she was

1170
00:55:14,480 --> 00:55:16,880
Speaker 1: every single younger version of any blonde.

1171
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:20,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's so true. I think she's been in

1172
00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:22,720
Speaker 2: like the most franchised films ever.

1173
00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:25,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can imagine, like.

1174
00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:29,920
Speaker 2: The American young actors and actresses. I don't know what

1175
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,640
Speaker 2: they're eating and I don't know what they're doing. It's

1176
00:55:31,680 --> 00:55:34,880
Speaker 2: just different. But she was so sweet. She came up

1177
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:36,960
Speaker 2: to me and again I was like, I'm not an actress.

1178
00:55:36,960 --> 00:55:39,239
Speaker 2: I don't know what I'm doing here, Like you know,

1179
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:42,560
Speaker 2: did the carpet. I was so anxious for the carpet

1180
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:44,760
Speaker 2: as well, because it was my first ever carpet in

1181
00:55:44,800 --> 00:55:47,279
Speaker 2: the US period. So I was like, I don't know

1182
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:50,279
Speaker 2: with my appearents, I don't know how the photographers are

1183
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:53,840
Speaker 2: going to perceive me. I don't know how the press

1184
00:55:53,920 --> 00:55:57,399
Speaker 2: is going to take me or respond to me. Yeah.

1185
00:55:57,480 --> 00:55:59,040
Speaker 2: I was just very anxious. It was the same when

1186
00:55:59,040 --> 00:56:00,279
Speaker 2: I went to can and I was like, I don't

1187
00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 2: know what it's going to be like on the carpet,

1188
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:05,480
Speaker 2: I just you don't know, it's not familiar. But everyone

1189
00:56:05,560 --> 00:56:08,319
Speaker 2: was so lovely and they had like a crowd of

1190
00:56:08,360 --> 00:56:11,920
Speaker 2: like young people who were like cheering for everyone that

1191
00:56:11,960 --> 00:56:14,040
Speaker 2: came in. So I know, walked in, they were like

1192
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:16,080
Speaker 2: cheering for me, and I did not know what to

1193
00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:16,680
Speaker 2: do with myself.

1194
00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:18,880
Speaker 1: I was so awkwardly like they probably knew who you

1195
00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:19,520
Speaker 1: were as well.

1196
00:56:19,680 --> 00:56:21,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, but for me, I'm like, oh, they were cheering

1197
00:56:21,239 --> 00:56:23,640
Speaker 2: for everyone, it's not me, you know, just like that.

1198
00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:27,359
Speaker 2: But mckennay gray sorry back to that. She came up

1199
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:30,200
Speaker 2: to me and was like, Hi, I just want to say,

1200
00:56:30,239 --> 00:56:33,960
Speaker 2: like me trying to do an American accent of her Hi.

1201
00:56:34,120 --> 00:56:36,160
Speaker 2: She trying to say, I love your videos, and I

1202
00:56:36,239 --> 00:56:39,080
Speaker 2: was like, because I really wanted to go you know

1203
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:40,440
Speaker 2: who I am, but I was like, let me not

1204
00:56:40,520 --> 00:56:43,279
Speaker 2: do that. Let me, you know, act like I can

1205
00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:45,600
Speaker 2: meet her on that level. So I was like, oh

1206
00:56:45,600 --> 00:56:47,960
Speaker 2: my god, thank you so much. You look like a princess,

1207
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:50,040
Speaker 2: because she did. She had this amazing pink dress on.

1208
00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,200
Speaker 2: And then we were just saying it was so hot

1209
00:56:52,280 --> 00:56:55,960
Speaker 2: because that day was thirty five degrees see, and we

1210
00:56:56,239 --> 00:56:59,200
Speaker 2: like on the it was outdoors carpet. We were all in,

1211
00:56:59,239 --> 00:57:01,640
Speaker 2: like the most heavy dress is full face and makeup dying.

1212
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:04,560
Speaker 2: All of the Oscars workers had like those neck fans

1213
00:57:04,600 --> 00:57:05,000
Speaker 2: around them.

1214
00:57:05,000 --> 00:57:05,759
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that died.

1215
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:08,480
Speaker 2: It was yeah, it was so hot. So we were like,

1216
00:57:08,520 --> 00:57:11,120
Speaker 2: are you dying? Yeah, are you dying? Yeah? She was

1217
00:57:11,160 --> 00:57:12,920
Speaker 2: so sweet. We spoke for a few minutes and I

1218
00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:14,920
Speaker 2: was like, how are you feeling. She was like, I'm

1219
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:18,600
Speaker 2: really nervous, but I'm excited to be here. I'm just

1220
00:57:18,720 --> 00:57:23,960
Speaker 2: so sweet. And that was something that was so crazy

1221
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:25,320
Speaker 2: because I also forget people.

1222
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:25,720
Speaker 1: Obviously.

1223
00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:27,240
Speaker 2: I know I've got a lot of followers, but you

1224
00:57:27,320 --> 00:57:29,000
Speaker 2: do just say I'm sure you feel saying you do

1225
00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:31,240
Speaker 2: just think that is a number you forget every one

1226
00:57:31,240 --> 00:57:34,200
Speaker 2: of those people. And those people aren't just in the

1227
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:37,400
Speaker 2: UK or Australia, they are all across the world. So

1228
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:39,560
Speaker 2: then when she said like, oh, I love your videos,

1229
00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:42,720
Speaker 2: I was like, you're in America, You're an incredible actress,

1230
00:57:42,720 --> 00:57:44,520
Speaker 2: and you know who I am. It was this really

1231
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:47,680
Speaker 2: strange like and also the fact that, like what I think,

1232
00:57:47,720 --> 00:57:50,600
Speaker 2: acting is such a legitimate job and sometimes doing social

1233
00:57:50,600 --> 00:57:52,640
Speaker 2: media can feel a little bit less legitimate or like

1234
00:57:52,880 --> 00:57:56,280
Speaker 2: real or like important. And so for me it was

1235
00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 2: this really weird thing where it's like she recognized what

1236
00:57:58,280 --> 00:58:00,800
Speaker 2: I was doing and kind of validated it, and then

1237
00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:02,880
Speaker 2: that gave me a bit of like confidence. I think.

1238
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:05,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, so she was she was like the one that

1239
00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:08,800
Speaker 1: was Yeah. So the Elton John after party was fun,

1240
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:11,400
Speaker 1: very very fun. Did you see anybody call there?

1241
00:58:11,760 --> 00:58:14,080
Speaker 2: So there's a series I'm obsessed with called Tell Me Lies.

1242
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:16,800
Speaker 1: I've heard about this. Somebody told me I feel like.

1243
00:58:16,720 --> 00:58:19,400
Speaker 2: You should watch it because there's a lot of psychological

1244
00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:21,160
Speaker 2: stuff in it. Like I feel like you'd be like, yeah,

1245
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:23,160
Speaker 2: he's got this wrong with him. Like I feel like

1246
00:58:23,200 --> 00:58:23,960
Speaker 2: you'd really enjoy it.

1247
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:25,120
Speaker 1: Is it like reality TV.

1248
00:58:25,320 --> 00:58:28,840
Speaker 2: No, oh okay, Oh it's amazing. You should watch it.

1249
00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:31,240
Speaker 2: So some of the cast was there, and I wasn't

1250
00:58:31,360 --> 00:58:34,080
Speaker 2: like I was too I'm not I don't really drink

1251
00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:35,920
Speaker 2: at all, but I was too sober to go up

1252
00:58:35,920 --> 00:58:38,120
Speaker 2: to them and like be like hi, yeah, so I

1253
00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,640
Speaker 2: was so anxious. I like, didn't you know, drink anything

1254
00:58:40,640 --> 00:58:44,640
Speaker 2: that day? But yeah, we saw them, he asked, we

1255
00:58:44,760 --> 00:58:51,160
Speaker 2: saw Milo Mannheim, who's going to be the new Flinn

1256
00:58:51,200 --> 00:58:53,520
Speaker 2: Rider in the Tangle that's coming out to You.

1257
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,200
Speaker 1: Just got the full young Hollywood.

1258
00:58:55,360 --> 00:58:57,640
Speaker 2: It was literally that was exactly it. It was all

1259
00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:02,280
Speaker 2: of the young Hollywood like people, which is really crazy.

1260
00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:04,960
Speaker 2: My best friend, like Alicia, who she came with you right,

1261
00:59:05,080 --> 00:59:08,480
Speaker 2: came with me. We snuck her in. She's upset with

1262
00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:09,200
Speaker 2: mine and man home.

1263
00:59:09,280 --> 00:59:09,920
Speaker 1: She was like, oh my god.

1264
00:59:10,680 --> 00:59:12,160
Speaker 2: You know. I was like go up to him, and

1265
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:14,280
Speaker 2: then she was like nikky, just he just touched me

1266
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:17,080
Speaker 2: to get like to go through the going, and I

1267
00:59:17,200 --> 00:59:19,080
Speaker 2: was like go up to him. She was too scared.

1268
00:59:19,280 --> 00:59:21,160
Speaker 2: So it's basically both of us fangunning. You're like, no,

1269
00:59:21,280 --> 00:59:22,400
Speaker 2: you go up to them. Now you're up to the

1270
00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:23,760
Speaker 2: whole night, and.

1271
00:59:23,800 --> 00:59:25,200
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you just like got to have that

1272
00:59:25,320 --> 00:59:28,400
Speaker 1: experience and you were like the prayers for the health

1273
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:31,520
Speaker 1: or whatever like that is exactly. I don't know prayers

1274
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:34,600
Speaker 1: around just like the there it was just.

1275
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:37,920
Speaker 2: Like everything aligned and I was so grateful. But I

1276
00:59:38,040 --> 00:59:40,200
Speaker 2: do feel like my nervous system was like what the

1277
00:59:40,960 --> 00:59:44,560
Speaker 2: has like happened today? Like and so the day after

1278
00:59:44,640 --> 00:59:47,240
Speaker 2: we actually left LA and went to Malibu Beach, and

1279
00:59:47,320 --> 00:59:50,600
Speaker 2: I feel like I needed that to just like reground myself,

1280
00:59:51,560 --> 00:59:53,640
Speaker 2: to get out of like La La and just be

1281
00:59:53,760 --> 00:59:56,480
Speaker 2: by some nature, like some water and just kind of

1282
00:59:57,200 --> 00:59:57,680
Speaker 2: a little bit.

1283
00:59:57,880 --> 00:59:59,680
Speaker 1: Every time I'm in LA, I feel that way. Yeah,

1284
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,040
Speaker 1: when you were in like the most La situation that

1285
01:00:02,080 --> 01:00:05,440
Speaker 1: you could possibly find yourself. Truly, the oscars other than

1286
01:00:05,520 --> 01:00:07,760
Speaker 1: maybe like a Coachella, a pre Coachella.

1287
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:10,400
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, it's one of those things where it's like, oh,

1288
01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:13,640
Speaker 2: I imagine doing a carpet in America and that first

1289
01:00:13,720 --> 01:00:15,360
Speaker 2: carpet being like the biggest carpet ever.

1290
01:00:15,720 --> 01:00:17,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's I feel like this is the thing. I

1291
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:19,840
Speaker 1: have a feeling. I have this feeling a lot where

1292
01:00:19,840 --> 01:00:21,720
Speaker 1: I'm like, fuck, I'm doing all the cool stuff when

1293
01:00:21,760 --> 01:00:24,360
Speaker 1: I'm like in my twenties, Like I need to I

1294
01:00:24,440 --> 01:00:26,600
Speaker 1: don't want to slow down, but like I, I want

1295
01:00:26,640 --> 01:00:28,440
Speaker 1: to save some stuff for later. I feel like you

1296
01:00:28,480 --> 01:00:29,960
Speaker 1: probably have the same Do you feel like you.

1297
01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:34,120
Speaker 2: Are actively present and acknowledging the successes you have?

1298
01:00:35,080 --> 01:00:37,320
Speaker 1: No, Because I'm the same as you, I'm going to

1299
01:00:37,400 --> 01:00:39,360
Speaker 1: confidently say that I'm the same as you, and then

1300
01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:42,280
Speaker 1: I'm constantly like, Okay, what's next. I need to like evolve. Yeah,

1301
01:00:42,720 --> 01:00:47,120
Speaker 1: And I think also I just like never expected it

1302
01:00:47,240 --> 01:00:51,320
Speaker 1: to be to ever be anywhere near anyone famous ever.

1303
01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:54,280
Speaker 1: Like I was like, I'm going to be like a researcher.

1304
01:00:54,520 --> 01:00:55,520
Speaker 2: So wow.

1305
01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:59,160
Speaker 1: I still try and like always just remember myself as

1306
01:00:59,240 --> 01:01:01,640
Speaker 1: like a research and somebody who's interested in the science.

1307
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,800
Speaker 2: So because that's the thing, isn't it when you start,

1308
01:01:03,880 --> 01:01:06,200
Speaker 2: Like even for me, when I started becoming aware of

1309
01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:08,960
Speaker 2: the numbers or of the certain people follow me, it

1310
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:10,720
Speaker 2: was like, oh can I put this video out because

1311
01:01:10,760 --> 01:01:12,800
Speaker 2: blah blah blah follows me. Oh blah blah blah, I

1312
01:01:12,920 --> 01:01:15,040
Speaker 2: see this. I don't ever think about it that way.

1313
01:01:15,200 --> 01:01:17,520
Speaker 2: That's what I have had to learn. It's just you

1314
01:01:17,600 --> 01:01:18,480
Speaker 2: have to just post, you know.

1315
01:01:18,880 --> 01:01:20,560
Speaker 1: I did it for a while. I think with episodes,

1316
01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:23,120
Speaker 1: I used to really think about it, and now I'm

1317
01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:27,000
Speaker 1: just like whatever, I'm just like it's I just like

1318
01:01:27,080 --> 01:01:28,880
Speaker 1: to remember that, like this is just a job, and

1319
01:01:28,920 --> 01:01:31,200
Speaker 1: I'll have many jobs, so I'll just like do it

1320
01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:33,520
Speaker 1: while it's while I'm having fun. I'll have fun exactly

1321
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:36,280
Speaker 1: whilst it's working. It works, and that's the way it's

1322
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:45,720
Speaker 1: always adapt Yeah, speaking of which, you have launched a

1323
01:01:45,760 --> 01:01:49,240
Speaker 1: new podcast called Live a Little.

1324
01:01:49,200 --> 01:01:51,280
Speaker 2: Live a Little, a Little. Yeah, we were just talking

1325
01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:53,760
Speaker 2: about it before we started, and when did you start

1326
01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:56,560
Speaker 2: the podcast? So we started it or I started it

1327
01:01:56,680 --> 01:02:00,640
Speaker 2: in early December. It's been some thing that I've wanted

1328
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:02,240
Speaker 2: to do for a very long time. I was actually

1329
01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:05,680
Speaker 2: supposed to start podcasts pre covid, and then Covid happened,

1330
01:02:05,800 --> 01:02:08,040
Speaker 2: and then the podcast company was like no longer a thing,

1331
01:02:08,520 --> 01:02:10,640
Speaker 2: and it just didn't end up happening. And also that

1332
01:02:10,800 --> 01:02:12,560
Speaker 2: was like then for Covid was kind of three or

1333
01:02:12,600 --> 01:02:15,760
Speaker 2: four years on and off, and so by that point,

1334
01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:19,720
Speaker 2: my experiences, my perspective, my age had all completely changed. I'm,

1335
01:02:19,920 --> 01:02:22,280
Speaker 2: you know, now out of school, I'm a young adult,

1336
01:02:22,440 --> 01:02:26,280
Speaker 2: Like my self awareness has changed, my interests have changed, priorities,

1337
01:02:26,320 --> 01:02:28,240
Speaker 2: all of that stuff. So I was like, Okay, what

1338
01:02:28,360 --> 01:02:30,840
Speaker 2: does a podcast look for me now? And I'm so

1339
01:02:31,200 --> 01:02:34,400
Speaker 2: someone and I know you're the same way. I will

1340
01:02:34,440 --> 01:02:37,240
Speaker 2: only do something if it feels right. Yeah, And I

1341
01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:39,640
Speaker 2: think a lot of social media has become doing stuff

1342
01:02:39,800 --> 01:02:42,160
Speaker 2: just because like, oh, I'll just start a podcasts, you know,

1343
01:02:42,240 --> 01:02:44,680
Speaker 2: why not if the opportunity's there, And not to say that,

1344
01:02:44,840 --> 01:02:46,320
Speaker 2: you know, if you want to do that, go for it.

1345
01:02:46,760 --> 01:02:48,440
Speaker 2: But I knew that, like the time had to be

1346
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:49,800
Speaker 2: right for me to start, when I had to have

1347
01:02:49,880 --> 01:02:52,800
Speaker 2: something to say. Otherwise, what is the point? I have to, like,

1348
01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:55,440
Speaker 2: in a lot of my life in a great way

1349
01:02:55,440 --> 01:02:57,560
Speaker 2: and in a bad way. I really struggle to do

1350
01:02:57,760 --> 01:03:01,360
Speaker 2: anything if it doesn't feel fulfilling or purposeful, and that

1351
01:03:01,440 --> 01:03:04,560
Speaker 2: can almost hit me, you know, hit me in the

1352
01:03:04,600 --> 01:03:06,800
Speaker 2: bad way because and then like searching for that in

1353
01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:08,560
Speaker 2: every single thing I do. And then I'm like, Nikki,

1354
01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:10,720
Speaker 2: this can just be a thing. It doesn't need to

1355
01:03:10,760 --> 01:03:13,520
Speaker 2: be like this massive impact or this massive purposeful thing

1356
01:03:13,680 --> 01:03:16,640
Speaker 2: or fulfill you in a certain way. Obviously everything should

1357
01:03:16,760 --> 01:03:20,160
Speaker 2: hopefully fulfill you in life that you do. But for me,

1358
01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:22,680
Speaker 2: the podcast just felt like it was right, and I

1359
01:03:22,800 --> 01:03:25,680
Speaker 2: feel like I was so again with all the short

1360
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:27,760
Speaker 2: form stuff, although you need to hook this, you need

1361
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:30,360
Speaker 2: to optimize that, like we were talking about, I needed

1362
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:32,720
Speaker 2: something that felt like a breath of fresh air. I

1363
01:03:32,840 --> 01:03:35,200
Speaker 2: needed something that felt like an escapism back to kind

1364
01:03:35,200 --> 01:03:36,760
Speaker 2: of my YouTube roots where I just sit and talk

1365
01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:40,280
Speaker 2: to a camera. And it's funny, it's like, as soon

1366
01:03:40,360 --> 01:03:42,560
Speaker 2: as you have a microphone and a camera in front

1367
01:03:42,560 --> 01:03:44,760
Speaker 2: of you, the honesty is just coming out. I don't

1368
01:03:44,760 --> 01:03:47,360
Speaker 2: know what it is, unknock something in you. And so

1369
01:03:47,560 --> 01:03:49,760
Speaker 2: for me, Live a Little is from an idea of

1370
01:03:50,360 --> 01:03:52,320
Speaker 2: a lot of my life. I have felt very alone

1371
01:03:52,360 --> 01:03:54,160
Speaker 2: and I've not had that friend that gets me. And

1372
01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:56,240
Speaker 2: there's been so many things that I ruminate over and

1373
01:03:56,280 --> 01:03:58,560
Speaker 2: I've had no one to discuss them with. So it's

1374
01:03:58,600 --> 01:04:01,720
Speaker 2: my idea of like the listener is the friend, and

1375
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:03,200
Speaker 2: we can be that for each other. It's a three

1376
01:04:03,240 --> 01:04:05,360
Speaker 2: am chat you have a sleepover, or the call you

1377
01:04:05,440 --> 01:04:07,880
Speaker 2: have with your friend, or the deep introspective chats or

1378
01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:11,560
Speaker 2: the like cringe chats or the embarrassing conversations. And so

1379
01:04:11,800 --> 01:04:15,000
Speaker 2: I've done episodes about like romanticizing what alone time looks

1380
01:04:15,080 --> 01:04:16,840
Speaker 2: like and how I've spent a lot of my time alone.

1381
01:04:16,920 --> 01:04:19,120
Speaker 2: So I saw it as a negative thing and how

1382
01:04:19,160 --> 01:04:21,920
Speaker 2: to make it more perpotful now, you know, learning to

1383
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:24,040
Speaker 2: play again as an adult, like we were talking about,

1384
01:04:24,320 --> 01:04:27,080
Speaker 2: and like what that looks like because adults, you know,

1385
01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:30,400
Speaker 2: we forget that playtime is so important. Even more so,

1386
01:04:30,520 --> 01:04:32,840
Speaker 2: living little is the idea that I've lived so much

1387
01:04:32,920 --> 01:04:35,200
Speaker 2: life in the things I've done that we've talked about.

1388
01:04:35,240 --> 01:04:37,080
Speaker 2: You know, I as like the youngest person to get

1389
01:04:37,600 --> 01:04:39,400
Speaker 2: a bafter and I got an Emmy when I was

1390
01:04:39,440 --> 01:04:43,720
Speaker 2: like fifteen, these crazy things. But then I've lived so

1391
01:04:44,000 --> 01:04:47,080
Speaker 2: much little life in my childhood. I didn't really have

1392
01:04:47,200 --> 01:04:48,960
Speaker 2: one from six years old at all. I became like

1393
01:04:49,160 --> 01:04:52,480
Speaker 2: sixty when I was six years old, and you know,

1394
01:04:52,640 --> 01:04:56,120
Speaker 2: just normal life experiences or independence I don't have. So

1395
01:04:56,200 --> 01:04:58,960
Speaker 2: it's that idea. But equally, just life is short and

1396
01:04:59,080 --> 01:05:01,080
Speaker 2: life can be so serious times, so we all need

1397
01:05:01,160 --> 01:05:04,360
Speaker 2: to just live a little because tomorrow is not promised.

1398
01:05:04,440 --> 01:05:07,920
Speaker 2: So it's just exploratory. It's supposed to feel comforting. A

1399
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:09,600
Speaker 2: lot of the people I have on, it's like not

1400
01:05:09,720 --> 01:05:13,880
Speaker 2: really about I've had actors on, advocates on, musicians on,

1401
01:05:15,040 --> 01:05:17,640
Speaker 2: and activists and it's mainly about, of course what they do,

1402
01:05:17,800 --> 01:05:19,880
Speaker 2: but who they are outside of what they do. It's

1403
01:05:19,960 --> 01:05:23,000
Speaker 2: like meant to humanize people, because I think so much

1404
01:05:23,120 --> 01:05:27,000
Speaker 2: of life now is either people dehumanizing one another. Social

1405
01:05:27,000 --> 01:05:29,480
Speaker 2: media can feel you know, so unrealistic and so comparative

1406
01:05:29,520 --> 01:05:31,880
Speaker 2: at times. It's like, let me bring you back to us,

1407
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:33,400
Speaker 2: so we will like sit on the floor. I take

1408
01:05:33,440 --> 01:05:35,280
Speaker 2: my shoes off, and it's like, you know, it's very

1409
01:05:35,360 --> 01:05:37,440
Speaker 2: rare you see like actors in that kind of setting,

1410
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:40,160
Speaker 2: like shoes off, like cross legged on a like a

1411
01:05:40,240 --> 01:05:42,240
Speaker 2: little social thing. You're just chilling.

1412
01:05:42,520 --> 01:05:44,320
Speaker 1: It's really good. You should go and watch it. So

1413
01:05:44,400 --> 01:05:48,800
Speaker 1: that's it. With that in mind, what is my final question,

1414
01:05:49,360 --> 01:05:52,720
Speaker 1: what's something really big that you want to achieve in

1415
01:05:52,760 --> 01:05:56,640
Speaker 1: the next ten years? Well a question.

1416
01:05:57,880 --> 01:06:01,600
Speaker 2: I mean there's so many things I think I would

1417
01:06:01,680 --> 01:06:03,800
Speaker 2: really love to have more based on what we've been

1418
01:06:03,800 --> 01:06:06,640
Speaker 2: talking about. More stability, like personally in my life and

1419
01:06:06,800 --> 01:06:09,960
Speaker 2: in my job, and for really content and stay safe

1420
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:12,360
Speaker 2: and stable with it. That's something I'm still kind of

1421
01:06:12,560 --> 01:06:14,600
Speaker 2: you know, I feel like I'm constantly peddling on a

1422
01:06:14,640 --> 01:06:16,320
Speaker 2: bike and I need to just figure out like what

1423
01:06:16,440 --> 01:06:18,280
Speaker 2: the baseline is and hopefully be able to.

1424
01:06:18,320 --> 01:06:18,680
Speaker 1: Roll with that.

1425
01:06:19,280 --> 01:06:21,520
Speaker 2: But outside of that, I think it's you know, with

1426
01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:24,920
Speaker 2: all of the facial advocacy I do. We still have

1427
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:27,760
Speaker 2: such a long way to go. It's incredible that I've

1428
01:06:27,760 --> 01:06:29,680
Speaker 2: been able to be in spaces that have, you know,

1429
01:06:29,800 --> 01:06:32,880
Speaker 2: in the past, not been that inclusive aka the Oscars

1430
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:37,280
Speaker 2: Can Film Festival. I could go on, and so for me,

1431
01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:40,240
Speaker 2: a massive part of what I do is the advocacy,

1432
01:06:40,280 --> 01:06:42,560
Speaker 2: and it's the showing up. I always say that, like,

1433
01:06:42,640 --> 01:06:44,640
Speaker 2: one of my bigger streams is to work with like

1434
01:06:45,400 --> 01:06:48,280
Speaker 2: a game or like a toy, like a Barbie, and

1435
01:06:48,400 --> 01:06:50,320
Speaker 2: create a Barbie with like a facial difference.

1436
01:06:51,240 --> 01:06:53,040
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's make that happen.

1437
01:06:53,120 --> 01:06:55,440
Speaker 2: I know, that's my dream I've been for so long.

1438
01:06:55,480 --> 01:06:56,160
Speaker 2: I'm like Barbie.

1439
01:06:56,560 --> 01:06:59,400
Speaker 1: They just did an autistic Barbie. Amazing, and I feel

1440
01:06:59,400 --> 01:07:00,960
Speaker 1: like last year they did another.

1441
01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:04,640
Speaker 2: They did like a diabetic Barbie. Yea a diabetic syndrome Barbie.

1442
01:07:05,600 --> 01:07:07,920
Speaker 2: So many different ones, a blind Barbie. So I feel like,

1443
01:07:08,360 --> 01:07:11,600
Speaker 2: of course, every facial difference is different, that's the whole point,

1444
01:07:12,080 --> 01:07:14,320
Speaker 2: but I feel like it would be so incredibly special.

1445
01:07:15,000 --> 01:07:18,080
Speaker 2: I never saw myself in anything growing up. And it's

1446
01:07:18,120 --> 01:07:20,680
Speaker 2: not to say that only people with facial difference should

1447
01:07:20,680 --> 01:07:23,080
Speaker 2: play with this Barbie, but it's just a Barbie. Yeah,

1448
01:07:23,360 --> 01:07:26,520
Speaker 2: and I think so much of kids learning comes from

1449
01:07:26,600 --> 01:07:30,720
Speaker 2: play and comes from exposure to things, and toys are

1450
01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:33,080
Speaker 2: such an incredible way to teach kids about things before

1451
01:07:33,080 --> 01:07:35,640
Speaker 2: you can verbalize them and make sense of them through words.

1452
01:07:36,120 --> 01:07:38,160
Speaker 2: And so for me, that would be incredible, like either

1453
01:07:38,200 --> 01:07:41,200
Speaker 2: with a Barbie or a Lego, or like maybe it's

1454
01:07:41,280 --> 01:07:43,680
Speaker 2: like a sim character, Sim's character that has a facial

1455
01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:46,560
Speaker 2: difference like that is My dream is to enter other

1456
01:07:46,640 --> 01:07:50,600
Speaker 2: spaces which just make it feel so like mainstream and normal.

1457
01:07:51,880 --> 01:07:55,200
Speaker 2: So I think that'd be an incredible thing. I would

1458
01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:58,560
Speaker 2: love to continue doing documentarial work, like in my past

1459
01:07:58,640 --> 01:08:00,760
Speaker 2: I did like a lot of documentary about my life

1460
01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:03,600
Speaker 2: and presenting, so I would love to continue doing that.

1461
01:08:03,960 --> 01:08:06,520
Speaker 2: Ever since I was little, like I mean, I'm definitely

1462
01:08:06,640 --> 01:08:09,040
Speaker 2: not like a look at me like, I'm not that

1463
01:08:09,160 --> 01:08:11,480
Speaker 2: kind of person. I am pretty introverted. But ever since

1464
01:08:11,480 --> 01:08:13,680
Speaker 2: I was little, I loved pretending I was on TV

1465
01:08:13,840 --> 01:08:16,880
Speaker 2: and I loved like that world and I loved it

1466
01:08:17,000 --> 01:08:19,439
Speaker 2: was my escapism, you know, yeah, because I didn't see

1467
01:08:19,479 --> 01:08:21,519
Speaker 2: myself in toys or TV, so that would be my

1468
01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:24,479
Speaker 2: world in which I existed. So I'd love to continue

1469
01:08:24,520 --> 01:08:27,439
Speaker 2: with that and hopefully with what I can do, there's

1470
01:08:27,479 --> 01:08:29,560
Speaker 2: powering numbers. So hopefully the more I can do, the

1471
01:08:29,600 --> 01:08:31,280
Speaker 2: more it opens the door to other people being able

1472
01:08:31,360 --> 01:08:33,280
Speaker 2: to do it. I mean, even at the met Gala

1473
01:08:33,360 --> 01:08:34,720
Speaker 2: this year, there was like a lot more people with

1474
01:08:34,800 --> 01:08:36,439
Speaker 2: disabilities there, which was so incredible.

1475
01:08:36,479 --> 01:08:39,320
Speaker 1: I saw who was the girl who was in the

1476
01:08:39,439 --> 01:08:46,040
Speaker 1: Hunger Games screeping I'm terrible with me, so am I Okay,

1477
01:08:46,160 --> 01:08:47,640
Speaker 1: well look it up. She was the first of a

1478
01:08:47,680 --> 01:08:49,400
Speaker 1: wheelchair user to attend.

1479
01:08:49,520 --> 01:08:51,639
Speaker 2: Amazing, that's what I mean.

1480
01:08:51,800 --> 01:08:54,840
Speaker 1: And I was like, that's fucking cool and also kind

1481
01:08:54,880 --> 01:08:56,759
Speaker 1: of crazy. That's the first person I know, right.

1482
01:08:56,760 --> 01:08:58,760
Speaker 2: I read that and I was a bit like great,

1483
01:08:58,840 --> 01:09:03,040
Speaker 2: but also what ye, I was like, that's that's quite insane. Yeah,

1484
01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:06,439
Speaker 2: it was even like I would touch on it quickly.

1485
01:09:06,520 --> 01:09:10,640
Speaker 2: But like last September, walked in Paris Fashion Week for

1486
01:09:10,920 --> 01:09:15,400
Speaker 2: a brand and it was like one of the first

1487
01:09:15,479 --> 01:09:18,479
Speaker 2: times that there's been someone with a proper facial difference

1488
01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:21,240
Speaker 2: walking through and past fashion week, and I closed it

1489
01:09:21,320 --> 01:09:24,040
Speaker 2: and Vogue Radway was like, Nick, it was the best

1490
01:09:24,080 --> 01:09:27,320
Speaker 2: part of the show, and it was. It was craziness.

1491
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:28,880
Speaker 1: That's so cool.

1492
01:09:29,120 --> 01:09:32,439
Speaker 2: But again it's like so incredible, but also why is

1493
01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:35,680
Speaker 2: this thing you know? Yeah, So it's just I want

1494
01:09:35,760 --> 01:09:37,800
Speaker 2: things to just feel normalized. And I think sometimes people

1495
01:09:37,840 --> 01:09:40,760
Speaker 2: that don't have facial differences or differences, I think that

1496
01:09:40,880 --> 01:09:44,599
Speaker 2: we want to be like having special treatment. But it's honestly,

1497
01:09:44,640 --> 01:09:45,800
Speaker 2: we just want to be able to be in the

1498
01:09:45,920 --> 01:09:49,479
Speaker 2: room without it feeling either tokenized or like we've had

1499
01:09:49,520 --> 01:09:51,960
Speaker 2: to like kick down ten doors while someone else is

1500
01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:54,280
Speaker 2: kicked down or just slightly opened one to get through.

1501
01:09:54,320 --> 01:09:57,160
Speaker 1: It. So funny to me that it's like, you guys

1502
01:09:57,160 --> 01:10:00,240
Speaker 1: want special treatment and it's like, well, which is not quality. Yeah,

1503
01:10:00,240 --> 01:10:02,360
Speaker 1: it's also just like but you guys have all the treatments,

1504
01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:05,640
Speaker 1: like aren't you getting this? Yeah exactly, people like me

1505
01:10:05,760 --> 01:10:10,600
Speaker 1: would have. Not people like me, people though, like have

1506
01:10:10,760 --> 01:10:14,080
Speaker 1: walked fashion runways, Like do you know what I mean?

1507
01:10:14,160 --> 01:10:17,360
Speaker 1: It's like asking for one small thing is not special treatment,

1508
01:10:18,640 --> 01:10:19,439
Speaker 1: and it really.

1509
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:23,160
Speaker 2: Wouldn't take that much yeah, exact things to you know, change. Yeah,

1510
01:10:23,280 --> 01:10:25,880
Speaker 2: but maybeople wanting to make the change.

1511
01:10:26,640 --> 01:10:28,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to walk a fashion runway.

1512
01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:29,360
Speaker 2: Oh my god, let's do it.

1513
01:10:29,479 --> 01:10:31,640
Speaker 1: We do it together. I think I'll leave it to you.

1514
01:10:31,760 --> 01:10:33,440
Speaker 1: I think I think you're the professional.

1515
01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:36,040
Speaker 2: I think you're hey, maybe in ten years, you never know.

1516
01:10:36,360 --> 01:10:38,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll see, Yeah, we'll see, we'll see. Well, thank

1517
01:10:38,960 --> 01:10:40,960
Speaker 1: you so much for coming on the podcast. Did you

1518
01:10:41,520 --> 01:10:43,280
Speaker 1: enjoy our chat? I have loved this.

1519
01:10:43,439 --> 01:10:46,880
Speaker 2: This has felt like therapy. It's the best way, Like

1520
01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:50,120
Speaker 2: it felt so like cathartic and I could talk to

1521
01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:52,560
Speaker 2: you for hours. I just know our brains work in

1522
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:53,479
Speaker 2: really similar ways.

1523
01:10:53,800 --> 01:10:56,720
Speaker 1: Oh my god. It's actually been hard to not be like,

1524
01:10:57,040 --> 01:11:01,040
Speaker 1: oh yeah, i know, like jumping in like as always.

1525
01:11:00,560 --> 01:11:02,559
Speaker 2: Like that with like my podcast, and when I'm talking

1526
01:11:02,600 --> 01:11:04,600
Speaker 2: to people, I'm like rain and rain and rain, so

1527
01:11:04,760 --> 01:11:06,240
Speaker 2: like let them finish. Yeah.

1528
01:11:06,640 --> 01:11:08,720
Speaker 1: And i also have this terrible habit where I'm like

1529
01:11:08,800 --> 01:11:10,639
Speaker 1: mm hmmm mm hmmm.

1530
01:11:10,760 --> 01:11:13,519
Speaker 2: Because you want to like shows that you're acknowledging, yeah,

1531
01:11:13,600 --> 01:11:15,559
Speaker 2: but then you also like or I'll be like yeah,

1532
01:11:15,640 --> 01:11:16,800
Speaker 2: yeah yeah, and I'm like just.

1533
01:11:17,920 --> 01:11:20,400
Speaker 1: Just people always leave comments on my episodes being like

1534
01:11:20,479 --> 01:11:23,040
Speaker 1: shut up, and I'm like no, but I'm no, I'm

1535
01:11:23,120 --> 01:11:25,000
Speaker 1: just so in like because that's what you would do

1536
01:11:25,080 --> 01:11:27,960
Speaker 1: if like it was your creation. Yeah exactly. Yeah, Well

1537
01:11:28,000 --> 01:11:30,400
Speaker 1: I'm so glad. I'm going to leave links to live

1538
01:11:30,400 --> 01:11:34,400
Speaker 1: a little everything else. If you enjoyed the show, even

1539
01:11:34,400 --> 01:11:37,920
Speaker 1: if you didn't go and follow Nikki anyways because she

1540
01:11:38,040 --> 01:11:40,439
Speaker 1: has amazing things to say. Her videos are also just cool.

1541
01:11:41,320 --> 01:11:43,760
Speaker 1: You share behind the scenes of just like amazing things

1542
01:11:43,800 --> 01:11:45,439
Speaker 1: that you're doing in life and also the every day

1543
01:11:46,120 --> 01:11:48,840
Speaker 1: Don't forget that this episode is also on Netflix if

1544
01:11:48,880 --> 01:11:50,120
Speaker 1: you want to go and check it out. You can

1545
01:11:50,160 --> 01:11:53,000
Speaker 1: also follow us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast, and

1546
01:11:53,120 --> 01:11:55,400
Speaker 1: as Nikki mentioned in the beginning, we have a sub

1547
01:11:55,479 --> 01:11:58,439
Speaker 1: stack also the Psychology of Your Twenties, which you can

1548
01:11:58,520 --> 01:12:01,559
Speaker 1: go and check out right now. Thank you for listening.

1549
01:12:02,040 --> 01:12:04,439
Speaker 1: Be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will

1550
01:12:04,520 --> 01:12:05,639
Speaker 1: talk very very soon.