Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called Defecto or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this Verry podcast, which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now. Rest your
Speaker 1: podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to
Speaker 1: The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go listen to
Speaker 1: see by. So I have a confession to make I
Speaker 1: low key. Sometimes I'm happy when the kids get in
Speaker 1: the way a k. A. Cock block because I'm in
Speaker 1: the mood anyway, so it saves me. Guys, I don't
Speaker 1: even think I have just one sound bite for this episode.
Speaker 1: I'm tired of all of y'all, you and damn kids
Speaker 1: dead as he and we're the Ellis. You may know
Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading
Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'm
Speaker 1: making me most days. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast
Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about. Through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennial Mattie couple. Dead ass is a
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and
Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows off
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead as starts. Now. Let
Speaker 1: me begin this story time by saying that when you know,
Speaker 1: when people say that kids will mess up your love life,
Speaker 1: and people will be like, no, that's not true. Yes
Speaker 1: it is, it is true. I'll give you an example.
Speaker 1: Last week, I ain't even have to take story time
Speaker 1: that far back. Thursday, me and Cadeen, ain't you know,
Speaker 1: we ain't do nothing in about three four days. So
Speaker 1: I'm my I'm already on high. So now it's Thursday
Speaker 1: and it's getting late at night, Case falling to sleep,
Speaker 1: Case falling to sleep, and I'm like, yo, yo, yo, yo, listen.
Speaker 1: She's like, no, let's watch a movie real quick, and
Speaker 1: we go upstairs. I'm like fine, So we decided to
Speaker 1: watch Parasite. So we put Parasite in and we're getting
Speaker 1: towards the end of the movie and I'm doing what
Speaker 1: I typically do when I watch movies. I watch movies
Speaker 1: and I glanced at her watch movies, and a glance
Speaker 1: at her because I want to make sure she's still
Speaker 1: up because at the end of this movie, I'm about
Speaker 1: to go get my thing thing done. All right, I'm
Speaker 1: watching the movie. The movie is about the end. I
Speaker 1: looked to my right and I see a little afro
Speaker 1: next to Codein. I'm like, twelve thirty cats got out
Speaker 1: of bed. No, this was two am. Remember, Oh no,
Speaker 1: it was two am. It was am. Cats got out
Speaker 1: of bed and just came downstairs and got right on
Speaker 1: the couch next to me. And we're just sitting there
Speaker 1: the whole time, standing right at me. Looked at me
Speaker 1: in oyes. So this is what pissed me off. Codein
Speaker 1: says to me, baby baby, because now we we we
Speaker 1: we go upstairs, we brush our teeth every we were
Speaker 1: laying in the bed. She goes, pay bad. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: put them to sleep. Right once I put them to sleep,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna wake you up. I'm fading in and out
Speaker 1: of that type of sleep. You know, that type of
Speaker 1: step people talk about when they sleep but they not
Speaker 1: really sleep and they feel like someone got pressure on
Speaker 1: their chests and they can't get up. I'm kind of
Speaker 1: in and out of that secause I don't want to
Speaker 1: go to sleep because I still want some booty. Right.
Speaker 1: All I hear is out I turned over. He's still up,
Speaker 1: k knocked out out like a light. So man, you
Speaker 1: know what, I ain't gonna do myself like a light
Speaker 1: me a light me. I want to sleep. It was
Speaker 1: pissed the next morning, So why I creep? Yeah? Been
Speaker 1: on the down low. No, it's supposed to know, so
Speaker 1: I creep. Yeah. So Jackson role Mo don't know what
Speaker 1: we do. A tension goes to show asleep, Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I'm sitting up by myself and I really don't know
Speaker 1: when I'm gone. Doc's sleep. Yeah, that's what you should
Speaker 1: have saying. That's exactly what you should have saying. I
Speaker 1: was like, you know, because Jackson ro Rod be know
Speaker 1: when and kids, this is my life. I can't believe.
Speaker 1: I'm glad I think that's song because you're able to
Speaker 1: remix that perfectly because instead of trying to creep around
Speaker 1: obvious sleep, I believe it's just my life. I'd be
Speaker 1: sleeping and I'll be down. I can't believe this is
Speaker 1: my life. This is your whole, entire life babe, But
Speaker 1: I mean it's funny. We we take funny. It's funny
Speaker 1: to know, it's funny to me, it's only funny in retrospect,
Speaker 1: because I kid you not, y'all. Like our kids literally
Speaker 1: have like the most opportune times to come and try
Speaker 1: to interrupt whenever we're trying to get a little moment
Speaker 1: freaky like yo. And the thing is, we picked creep
Speaker 1: because we tried. I think we told you before about
Speaker 1: the whole closet situation. We try to wait till late
Speaker 1: late at night, tired, and they still be up or
Speaker 1: just moving around the house like like you just trying
Speaker 1: to be quiet, and then you're here, momy, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? Like go read a book or do something.
Speaker 1: And the best is just like I want to get
Speaker 1: in the middle, like that's Cairo and Cass this thing
Speaker 1: the middle and they fight for like who's in the middle,
Speaker 1: Like who's in the middle in the middle of nothing. Okay,
Speaker 1: But the best part for me, at least after your
Speaker 1: story time, was the fact that you said when I said,
Speaker 1: you know, let me just wait till cats falls asleep.
Speaker 1: I my body. Whenever I'm tired, We'll just shut down.
Speaker 1: I don't care what I want. I could be hungry.
Speaker 1: I could just be like, you know, I might need something.
Speaker 1: At that point in time, I had to pee, but
Speaker 1: I just won't get up because I'm just that tired. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: Deval is just like, oh, she said, if you said
Speaker 1: I can get something, I'm gonna stay up. You don't
Speaker 1: care how tired you are. Was one time on his deathbed,
Speaker 1: I kid, y'all not. This man had like a hundred
Speaker 1: and four fever, And I thought to myself, Oh, I'm good,
Speaker 1: I'm good tonight. I got Jackson in bed, he's sick
Speaker 1: like I'm good. And I got in bed. Who's rolling
Speaker 1: his little hot ass over onto me. Yea, I was
Speaker 1: trying to give you this warm wood. Imagine what that
Speaker 1: feel like, it's warmed up. I was trying to teach that, guys,
Speaker 1: you're welcome. You're welcome. Imagine that feeling. That is so weird. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he heated that thing up for you. So today we're
Speaker 1: going to discuss intimacy, of course, in a relationship, but
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a deep dive into the changes that
Speaker 1: happened in a relationship when you have kids. Number One,
Speaker 1: um as both of your body changes, and we're gonna
Speaker 1: go back a little bit to talk about some of
Speaker 1: the issues Condine and I have had and some of
Speaker 1: the unresolved issues, and then speak a little bit about
Speaker 1: how we're working to fix them, because we're both unfinished products,
Speaker 1: absolutely still working on stuff, still working on some stuff,
Speaker 1: and we think it's only fair. You know, we've spoken
Speaker 1: in the past about sex and intimacy. We've had some
Speaker 1: experts on the show, but we listen to letters about
Speaker 1: intimacy and time and finding time for your balance and
Speaker 1: how me, particularly from women, how I'm able to balance
Speaker 1: everything and the wants and the needs of my spouse,
Speaker 1: like how that happens. So think about this as like
Speaker 1: part three of our unofficial Intimacy series, where we talk
Speaker 1: about a couple of things and how it's worked for
Speaker 1: us or not worked for us over the span of
Speaker 1: our eighteen year relationship and almost ten years, and also
Speaker 1: an update to to where we are. I think that
Speaker 1: we are transparent with you guys, and for sure we
Speaker 1: want to let you guys know that we're still working,
Speaker 1: you know, just like all of you guys are still working.
Speaker 1: We don't have the magic potion because some guys ask
Speaker 1: me like, yo, bro, how to do Ask me, say, bro,
Speaker 1: how you get condin to want to have sex on
Speaker 1: the time? And I was like, what make you think
Speaker 1: that want to have sex on time? Watching a one
Speaker 1: minute video? Watch you on Instagram and you still make
Speaker 1: you all into each other. And that's when I had
Speaker 1: to realize, like, you know what, I think we should
Speaker 1: you know, let people know that you know, we're just
Speaker 1: still an ongoing process. It is, and we've said time
Speaker 1: on time and time again that this podcast for us
Speaker 1: is almost like a level of therapy where we're able
Speaker 1: to talk about things and there's always a new revelation
Speaker 1: whenever we sit down in these chairs side by side.
Speaker 1: So and we just had an argument a couple of
Speaker 1: days ago, I mean, it's only right to share share
Speaker 1: with the family. Let y'all know what's going on. Our
Speaker 1: spiraling off of your story about Thursday with Kaz leads
Speaker 1: us to another dramatic Friday. You will not believe the
Speaker 1: theatrics that went down in our household when we're trying
Speaker 1: to get out the house for date night. My kids
Speaker 1: have a way of making me feel so guilty about
Speaker 1: leaving the house sometimes just to go spend time with day,
Speaker 1: Daddy like yo, full on, full on Academy Award performance
Speaker 1: Cairo trying, full tears, teams reaching out in slow motion. Right,
Speaker 1: it was all stead brother, Daddy is out of here
Speaker 1: with your mom's bro. He really was. And he was
Speaker 1: like and then there was like the choking, hyper ventilating
Speaker 1: the coffee. He was about to vomit, like there was
Speaker 1: all that going on and that was just his night.
Speaker 1: Jackson has his nights when he's just like, I want
Speaker 1: you to leave, Like it's almost as if they rotate,
Speaker 1: like let me tag you in, it's you tonight, like
Speaker 1: this is the hey, this is you had the first
Speaker 1: Friday of the month. I had the last Friday of
Speaker 1: the month, and cash you pop up randomly at t
Speaker 1: am some mornings and then we lit. We covered that
Speaker 1: covers three out of the fourth fridays, and then on
Speaker 1: the fourth Friday, care falls asleep. That's about right. So
Speaker 1: the val being here frustrated, that's about right. And and
Speaker 1: this is the truth, Yo, I don't feel that there's
Speaker 1: enough empathy giving two men who are trying their hardest
Speaker 1: to be monogamous and not being able to do the
Speaker 1: things that they are supposed to be able to do
Speaker 1: with the one woman that they are supposed to live
Speaker 1: the rest of their life with. I feel like all them.
Speaker 1: I feel like all the empathy goes towards women like
Speaker 1: I feel, and I feel like it's unfair. I'm being honest.
Speaker 1: It is unfair. It is so unfair. What's so unfair
Speaker 1: about it? Your your main excuse for anything we do
Speaker 1: is I had three whole boys. If I talk about
Speaker 1: washing dishes, I talked about washing dishes. You have so
Speaker 1: many things, three boys, one eight years ago, one three
Speaker 1: years ago, and one two years ago. Still tired and
Speaker 1: my body is still evolving and changing after those boys.
Speaker 1: So don't sit here and try to man explain like
Speaker 1: how I'm supposed to feel. After the fact, I didn't
Speaker 1: say how you're supposed to feel. All I'm saying that
Speaker 1: there's no empathy given towards men. Empathize with you because
Speaker 1: y'all feel because this is what women say. Because we
Speaker 1: don't have children, our life is easy. We never tired,
Speaker 1: even though I am the most involved parents ever, I'm
Speaker 1: never tired. I've never done anything in my life, and
Speaker 1: I have no reason to. I'm supposed to just sit
Speaker 1: here and wait for whenever you're ready. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that you're not tired. I I do appreciate you as
Speaker 1: a father and a working husband and as a provider
Speaker 1: like all of that. I've said time and time again.
Speaker 1: I get it. But however, I'm just saying, our body
Speaker 1: is functioned differently. You are tired, and that does not
Speaker 1: take away from the fact that you still want to
Speaker 1: get some ass. Whereas with me, when I'm tired, my
Speaker 1: body shuts down and I don't want nobody poking at me.
Speaker 1: I understand, and I'm like, you know what, let me
Speaker 1: let me try to do you know, try to figure
Speaker 1: out a way to balance and do other stuff. But
Speaker 1: then when it comes to me saying you know what,
Speaker 1: I think I made me a little more like this
Speaker 1: is like de Val, I had a baby. It's like, yo,
Speaker 1: how long are you going to use the fact that
Speaker 1: you had a baby as a reason why you're tired?
Speaker 1: How many It's not just the baby or the actual
Speaker 1: physical act of caring and having a baby. It's then
Speaker 1: now we have to then raise the show together, So
Speaker 1: you throw that into the mix alonge parenting and everything.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to everything the way
Speaker 1: you want it. All the way, but an empathy trying
Speaker 1: to meet you halfway. I feel like that's my empathy
Speaker 1: is like, Okay, I don't feel like doing it tonight,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna muster up the strength to do it.
Speaker 1: It may not be the frequency that you want or
Speaker 1: the way in which you wanted in that moment, but
Speaker 1: you're still getting it. Now ask the question, because let's
Speaker 1: be honest. Let's be honest. If he wants to have
Speaker 1: sex every day, right, and you don't want to have
Speaker 1: sex every day, that's seven times out of the week
Speaker 1: he wants to have sex. You don't want to have sex,
Speaker 1: But he already says, you know what, I know she's
Speaker 1: not gonna have sex every day, So let's have sex
Speaker 1: every two days. So that leaves two more times, two
Speaker 1: times out of the week that we can't have sex,
Speaker 1: and only two times out of the seven that we
Speaker 1: do have sex. You act like you really don't want
Speaker 1: to have sex, or you let me know that you're
Speaker 1: not in the mood. What kind of enjoyable sex is
Speaker 1: that for a man who's already who's already uh compromise
Speaker 1: on the fact that he's not going to have sex
Speaker 1: as much as he wants, but then when we do right,
Speaker 1: but then a week But then when he does have sex,
Speaker 1: you have to let it know that I'm doing this
Speaker 1: because you want to have it and I'm still not
Speaker 1: in the mood. Do you think that's enjoyable for man?
Speaker 1: Being honest, do you still get unit at the end.
Speaker 1: That's not the point, It's not the Point's not the point.
Speaker 1: What if men or me, for example, did that to
Speaker 1: you when it come to the things you wanted, Rather
Speaker 1: than give it to you the way you want, I
Speaker 1: just do it in your way and let you know
Speaker 1: I'm only doing this because you wanted. I would be
Speaker 1: seen as the worst husband in the world. Think about it.
Speaker 1: Just think about it for a second. You wouldn't You
Speaker 1: wouldn't accept that from me. Men want to be wanted
Speaker 1: the same way women want to be wanted. Right. You
Speaker 1: want to feel you want to be romanticized, you want
Speaker 1: to be taking out on dates, you you want to
Speaker 1: feel like a woman. Right. I understand that. I just
Speaker 1: feel like it's daunting for me because this is something
Speaker 1: we argue about all the time, folks. So when the
Speaker 1: val be getting into his his ways with it, a
Speaker 1: lot of times I'm just like that we spoke about
Speaker 1: this already, Like you can't just speak on things and
Speaker 1: then go back to doing what you're doing, because then
Speaker 1: that doesn't work for sure. And I know for me,
Speaker 1: I've been guilty of that. I've been like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna change this, and then I wasn't consistent with it.
Speaker 1: So I will be fair and say that within our
Speaker 1: relationship there's things that I wasn't necessarily consistent with. One
Speaker 1: thing that has been consistent with is one of sex
Speaker 1: every day. That's something that we just that's not just
Speaker 1: it's not gonna happen. It's not healthy for me either,
Speaker 1: and it's not healthy for you. And we've and we've
Speaker 1: compromised on that. I think there can be a solution,
Speaker 1: and and to be honest, I think the the solution
Speaker 1: comes with effort. And that's what I think. That's why
Speaker 1: I said the thing about empathy. Right, Even if you
Speaker 1: think about our podcast that we did and I talked
Speaker 1: about we talked about chores. Every time I mentioned the
Speaker 1: chore that I was willing to do as a man,
Speaker 1: all the women cheered, right, All the women cheered if
Speaker 1: it was hemping gas, whether it's opened the doors pulling
Speaker 1: out chairs, paying all of the rent, paying the mortgage,
Speaker 1: paying the builds, all the women chaired. The minute I
Speaker 1: mentioned a chore that a woman is supposed to do,
Speaker 1: all the women was just like she had three whole boys.
Speaker 1: So then it's like there is no empathy for a
Speaker 1: man who was trying to do everything he's supposed to
Speaker 1: do in this in his relationship to be the best
Speaker 1: husband he can be and still requires the romanticism and
Speaker 1: the things you want from his wife because it's not
Speaker 1: just about the sex for us. And I think that's
Speaker 1: the problem. When you just turn over and you just
Speaker 1: throw your butt and say here, you're gonna get your
Speaker 1: not anyway, that's not romantic to us. That's not making
Speaker 1: us feel wanted the same way. Come Valentine is they
Speaker 1: If Valentine's they happened, and I don't have flowers diamonds dinner,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna feel special. If I just come in
Speaker 1: the house and throw flowers that you say here, just
Speaker 1: take it, you would look at me like, really, that's
Speaker 1: what I get. But constantly men are approached that way
Speaker 1: when it comes to sex because you feel like that's
Speaker 1: what we need. We just well, I mean to be
Speaker 1: honest too, that's what a lot of men at least
Speaker 1: and what in conversation that I've heard or overheard with men,
Speaker 1: then sometimes they talk about, yeah, I'm just trying to
Speaker 1: get my note and run, like you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And to be honest, I think a lot of women
Speaker 1: probably feel that, like, bro, you need some release, right
Speaker 1: if you're gonna get it, get it however you gotta
Speaker 1: get it. You're saying it now, which is a little
Speaker 1: bit different to me, like, oh, so there is like
Speaker 1: a process that you guys want, So it's not necessarily
Speaker 1: about hitting it and running. You want a whole a
Speaker 1: whole episode to happen. You want like something to happen.
Speaker 1: I think that people confused it too. If you ask
Speaker 1: a man if you're trying to get his nuts, and
Speaker 1: this is a man who's not trying to be monogamous,
Speaker 1: he's probably trying to get his nut. He's on the chase.
Speaker 1: So he has the chase, right, he meets different women, right,
Speaker 1: those women are dressed up, those women out there looking nice.
Speaker 1: It's the whole chase and the thrill of the hunt
Speaker 1: that excites him. Right. So when he gets that and
Speaker 1: he finally gets his release after the thrill of the hunt,
Speaker 1: he feels accomplished. So at that point, even if the
Speaker 1: girl is just like whatever, I'm gonna turnover and just
Speaker 1: give it to you, then there's an accomplishment there because
Speaker 1: there was a process to get to it. No, because
Speaker 1: the hunt was the process. Typically, if you're on the hunt,
Speaker 1: if you're a single man and you're on the hunt
Speaker 1: for looking for women, that woman, that's that woman you
Speaker 1: meet in a in a in the bar or the club,
Speaker 1: is not going to turn him and say he'd take it.
Speaker 1: That woman is probably on the hunt like you. So
Speaker 1: they have that passionate one night stand. That's something that's
Speaker 1: exciting for the both of them, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So now he's he's trying to find he gets the hunt.
Speaker 1: The hunt is, he's on the prow he's looking for
Speaker 1: different women, and once he gets the payoff, the hunt
Speaker 1: was part of the payoff. So once you found a
Speaker 1: woman who you want to be monogamous with and the
Speaker 1: hunt is no longer there because you have the woman
Speaker 1: you want to spend the rest of your life with
Speaker 1: and there's no hunt, the payoff isn't this grand because
Speaker 1: there is no hunt. So now it's like I'm not chasing,
Speaker 1: I'm not hunting. I'm just she's just giving it to
Speaker 1: me this way. So my thing is for especially for
Speaker 1: husbands who their life can become monotonous if everything is
Speaker 1: about the kids and then work and then the kids
Speaker 1: and then work, and then when their wife comes in
Speaker 1: and then it's just like here, just take it. There's
Speaker 1: no hunt there, you know what I'm saying. No, So
Speaker 1: so this makes me think of like when you talk
Speaker 1: about this hunt, looking at the course of our relationship
Speaker 1: over the past almost eighteen years, married almost ten years,
Speaker 1: it's kind of like the very beginning of the relationship
Speaker 1: absolutely free. Kids were just getting to know each other.
Speaker 1: There's all that excitement around that, and then their transitions
Speaker 1: into this monogamous relationship where we're together and then we
Speaker 1: get married and then you have kids and how different
Speaker 1: things are once you have children. So that's pretty much
Speaker 1: what you're alluding to, like the hunting part of it,
Speaker 1: and being in the very beginning of a relationship versus
Speaker 1: like because montonous. Because like I'm openly saying, and I'll
Speaker 1: say this a thousand times, your body is going to
Speaker 1: be different after having three children. You're gonna be tired, right,
Speaker 1: and there's there's gonna be times where you're not gonna
Speaker 1: want to have sex, and I'm gonna want to have sex.
Speaker 1: We already know that, like that's already a thing. But
Speaker 1: what I think is missing is that I don't think
Speaker 1: women understand what's missing for us when it comes to sex.
Speaker 1: If you think it's just the nut, then you're missing
Speaker 1: the whole point. You understand what I'm saying, And there
Speaker 1: are things that you've done that have kind of excited
Speaker 1: me that if we like did that stuff consistently, it
Speaker 1: would add to it outside of just being like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's just monotonous having sex, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So it's it's not really just so much about the frequency.
Speaker 1: I know for a fact, we can't have sex as
Speaker 1: much as I want to have sex. Your body can't
Speaker 1: take it like with and that's it. Some people say this, right,
Speaker 1: men and women, it isn't natural to be monogamous, right,
Speaker 1: It isn't normal, It isn't natural. Isn't normal to be monogamous? Right?
Speaker 1: I would agree with that, it isn't natural, isn't normal
Speaker 1: to be monogamous, But I will say this, and this
Speaker 1: will be my counter argument. You've never been great at
Speaker 1: anything in life, doing anything natural or normally. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So I'm not trying to be natural
Speaker 1: or normal. I'm trying to do something great. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to spend my life and build it with one person,
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna have to do something great to make
Speaker 1: it work. It sacrificing, making sacrifice. Anything that it takes
Speaker 1: to be great takes an immense amount of sacrifice. Think
Speaker 1: about your greatest athletes, think about your greatest entertainers. They
Speaker 1: sacrifice a ton of stuff that people who are considered
Speaker 1: to be normal do in order to be great. It's
Speaker 1: crazy when you talk about that and like the level
Speaker 1: of sacrifice because to me, it's almost like and I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to make like downplay it or make it
Speaker 1: seem like it's comical, but to be a great person,
Speaker 1: I want to just have to sacrifice the quality of
Speaker 1: my sex life. To me, that just seems crazy because
Speaker 1: sex is sex isn't if it was crazy? Why is
Speaker 1: it so crazy for a man to want to have
Speaker 1: sex with somebody else? Right? Well, because you like, again,
Speaker 1: like you just said, it's not normal or natural for
Speaker 1: people to naturally want to be monogamous. I get it,
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying I guess because in my mindset
Speaker 1: where I value sex on my like you know, list
Speaker 1: of things is just not up there with you, per se,
Speaker 1: Like I'm a parent now, I have kids, I have
Speaker 1: a whole career, like we're building this together. So for me,
Speaker 1: when I look at my list of things and like
Speaker 1: where things fall on that totem pole, sex is just
Speaker 1: not up there for me personally, and it is there
Speaker 1: for you. But if I say I want to have
Speaker 1: sex with someone else, it's a problem, right of course.
Speaker 1: So then sex is up there because that's a note.
Speaker 1: That's because that's a deal breaker for you. You You can't
Speaker 1: say sex and you throw I'm talking about sex within
Speaker 1: the not want to say confines, but within our relationship.
Speaker 1: When you throw a whole another person and intad it
Speaker 1: makes them that just completely throws every Either way, sex
Speaker 1: is a priority for you because if I choose to
Speaker 1: have sex with someone else other than you, that's a dealbreaker. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: So then sex is a priority. The problem is people
Speaker 1: making a non priority when they want to. So we
Speaker 1: got to have sex, and then we have to have
Speaker 1: like subcategories under it. It is quality of sex, frequency
Speaker 1: of sex, sex with one person. Like, I guess there's
Speaker 1: like subcategories to it, because like you're saying to me,
Speaker 1: now sex not being on my total poll or being
Speaker 1: far up. Now you're telling me like, oh, well, if
Speaker 1: I had cheat with somebody else then, because that's always
Speaker 1: your argument because sex wasn't important for you, you wouldn't matter.
Speaker 1: It wouldn't matter having sex me, I guess you having
Speaker 1: seen having sex, right, Okay, so I have to subcategories
Speaker 1: sex as it looks to the vow. Yeah, because we're partners,
Speaker 1: were teammates. Okay, so I need to correct that. Maybe
Speaker 1: I need to put that little subcategory in under sex
Speaker 1: for me because it's quality frequency, I feel about it,
Speaker 1: how he feels about it. I can't just say sex
Speaker 1: with missing. I can't just say sex and not include you.
Speaker 1: You are my sex life. So when I think about
Speaker 1: sex and I just include myself, I think about myself.
Speaker 1: That's so selfish. That's why for me, what if I said, well,
Speaker 1: if she's not willing to have sex every day, that's
Speaker 1: a deal breaker because that's what I need. That's that's
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying, so that's why, but that's why
Speaker 1: there's a company, and that's also sex amidst children, and
Speaker 1: which which creates I'm at to drop this down because
Speaker 1: that creates a whole different entity of problems when you
Speaker 1: come with children. Because here's the bottom line, there is
Speaker 1: never enough time in the day for us to do
Speaker 1: all the things that we really want to do or
Speaker 1: need to do. We prioritized by doing the things we
Speaker 1: need to do first, and then the things we want
Speaker 1: to do end up at the bottom of the totem pole. Right.
Speaker 1: And the reason why I think this is an important
Speaker 1: conversation is because, like you said, sex, sex for you
Speaker 1: is not as important that one thing always ends up
Speaker 1: at the bottom, but that one thing is not a
Speaker 1: one thing always for me. That's that's a neat thing.
Speaker 1: So when it ends up at the bottom of your
Speaker 1: totem pole, but it's high on my total pole, I'm
Speaker 1: left feeling as if I don't be a cute little
Speaker 1: exercise for us to do, or even for every married
Speaker 1: a sexercise, or it's not even just like because that's
Speaker 1: a whole another thing. It's exercise. Think of something else,
Speaker 1: but you know, maybe just reevaluating and jotting down a
Speaker 1: list of things and where it falls in terms of
Speaker 1: not because I don't think we've ever really sat and
Speaker 1: done that as a couple, and I think it may
Speaker 1: even be a cute little exercise just to kind of
Speaker 1: see where our head is, especially in this space now,
Speaker 1: because naturally, being together in the very beginning with what
Speaker 1: we wanted to needed from each other and for ourselves
Speaker 1: is completely drastically changed to now. So maybe that we
Speaker 1: can might do that on date night next time. You
Speaker 1: know what I mean when we try to challenge ourselves
Speaker 1: to keep our phones down, writing down list you just
Speaker 1: turned date night in the homework night, Well that's better
Speaker 1: than like you being on your phone during date night
Speaker 1: or me being on my phone. Like we try to
Speaker 1: make sure we put our phones down. I'll be looking
Speaker 1: at you and I'll be into you, and he'd be
Speaker 1: ready to go home. And do you know what, So
Speaker 1: here we all it's still that all roads still lead
Speaker 1: back to that because it's been a couple of days, right,
Speaker 1: it's been a couple of days. And speaking of which,
Speaker 1: like making time for it when you're parenting, like scheduling
Speaker 1: it in I thought about that if that's a thing
Speaker 1: or do we just seize the opportunities when they present themselves.
Speaker 1: I like the whole season the opportunity when it presents
Speaker 1: itself because it offers a little bit of spontaneity, which
Speaker 1: I think the thrill in that was always a good
Speaker 1: thing for us, and being able to be spontaneous, like
Speaker 1: the fair of getting caught things like that. I was
Speaker 1: going to say that that that's fun, but my issue
Speaker 1: with that is sometimes I'm just not in the mood
Speaker 1: for sex at all. So it's like, yeah, I could
Speaker 1: be spontaneous in my mind right now, but like there,
Speaker 1: if my body can only do what my mind is
Speaker 1: telling me to do, it becomes the disconnect. I know,
Speaker 1: and I understand. I understand. I don't think about I
Speaker 1: think you think I disregarded a lot, and it's not
Speaker 1: me disregarding it. It's me like thinking to myself, damn,
Speaker 1: all right, the kids asleep, my mom's not here. I
Speaker 1: could totally just like spontaneous, pop up and do something
Speaker 1: right now, but god damn, I just don't really want
Speaker 1: to because my body is just not wanting to do it,
Speaker 1: and my mind it sounds good. But if I can
Speaker 1: get my body to respond, I completely understand that. I
Speaker 1: completely understand that. But but then you have to ask yourself,
Speaker 1: like if I if I am in a relationship with
Speaker 1: my partner, right, that may be fine for you, but
Speaker 1: is everything you're gonna do just going to be based
Speaker 1: around you and it's just because you're not in the
Speaker 1: mood or you don't need it, Does that mean that
Speaker 1: your partner has to just go without it because you're
Speaker 1: not in the mood. And that's where the sacrifice, And
Speaker 1: that's what the sacrifice is because it's the same thing
Speaker 1: myself in the mood. Because it's the same it's the
Speaker 1: same thing for men like you. Guys expect us to
Speaker 1: do things that you want to do even when we're
Speaker 1: not in the mood. And if we're not doing it,
Speaker 1: you say that what we don't put no effort, we're
Speaker 1: not trying hard enough, and then we have to do
Speaker 1: it right. So it's funny because I'm looking at our
Speaker 1: rundown and it's one of the questions, askess, did you
Speaker 1: figure out any surefire waves to get in the mood
Speaker 1: when you're in a hurry? I don't know, that's what
Speaker 1: you think. That's me and and and let me tell
Speaker 1: y'all sister is my sisters out there, UM, if you're
Speaker 1: looking for sure wire, sure fire ways. I think it
Speaker 1: was at one of the the live shows I shouted out, um,
Speaker 1: one of the young lady that I met at the
Speaker 1: mom ference UM last year, and she has a sex
Speaker 1: toy stop shop online, so I literally sometimes just I
Speaker 1: had hit her up while back. I said, send me
Speaker 1: a couple of your best sellers. So that send me
Speaker 1: a couple of like what's your top threes, four or
Speaker 1: five skews? Send them to me so I can experiment
Speaker 1: with them. Because I'm going to be completely honest, there's
Speaker 1: sometimes that I have to go to my little bag
Speaker 1: of tricks. And this is something I'm planning to activate
Speaker 1: more because you know, New Year knew me, and I'm
Speaker 1: trying to activate this more. So it may require me
Speaker 1: to like get myself going first a little bit, just
Speaker 1: to even remotely get myself into some kind of Got
Speaker 1: a question and that should be work. I got a
Speaker 1: serious question. This is a question that I know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna ask on behalf of all men. Right. When a
Speaker 1: woman says she wants to be monogamous, does she know
Speaker 1: what that entails? By asking the man that she wants
Speaker 1: to only want to be with them, or does she
Speaker 1: feel I want him to be monogamous and only want
Speaker 1: to have sex when I want to have sex. That's
Speaker 1: a serious question because men don't know. We don't get it.
Speaker 1: I don't get it. I mean naturally not. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's a thing where you're just like I don't
Speaker 1: think we realize maybe I'm I can't speak for all
Speaker 1: women but me personally. First of all, I'll always say
Speaker 1: that I don't think I was adequately prepared for marriage
Speaker 1: being with one person, Like there's a lot of ship
Speaker 1: that I just did not know. And that's something that
Speaker 1: we talked about now actively through like devoce Truth and
Speaker 1: Caneine's Truth on my blog where we're gonna be kind
Speaker 1: of recapping the past ten years of our relationship and
Speaker 1: like how everything started, what our mindset was when we
Speaker 1: first started dating, to like when we first decided that
Speaker 1: we were going to get married. I felt ill prepared
Speaker 1: for that because I really didn't have Like now I
Speaker 1: understand the value and having like a mentor someone who's
Speaker 1: maybe a little older than you that can really say,
Speaker 1: you know, what says this is that this is what
Speaker 1: you have to look forward to. These are some of
Speaker 1: the things that you may have to do when you
Speaker 1: don't want to do them. One thing I remember, mom,
Speaker 1: I'm saying to me prior to getting married. She was
Speaker 1: and she said it from a place of like she
Speaker 1: kind of just threw it out there, and I'm not
Speaker 1: sure where it came from, but she was just kind
Speaker 1: of like, I just don't start any bad habits that
Speaker 1: you don't intend on keeping up. And I didn't know
Speaker 1: what that meant, because I don't it could have been
Speaker 1: with sex. It could have been with but I didn't
Speaker 1: think necessarily I was adequately prepared for that. So for me,
Speaker 1: I didn't equate monogamy and marriage to just having sex
Speaker 1: with my husband whenever he wants it, however he wants it. Like,
Speaker 1: that's not something that I was prepared for. No, it wasn't.
Speaker 1: So it's funny though, because when I was getting married,
Speaker 1: all the married men said, be prepared to not have sex.
Speaker 1: That be prepared to not have sex. I was like that,
Speaker 1: I said, y'all, y'all capt him right now. That's because
Speaker 1: I started the bad habit and having it or whenever
Speaker 1: you wanted it before that. And then we went ahead
Speaker 1: and got married and had we had issues with sex
Speaker 1: before we got married. But I don't think it was
Speaker 1: I don't think it was the whole marriage thing. I
Speaker 1: think it was be prepared to not have sex once
Speaker 1: you decide that you want to be with one woman
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life or you're trying to
Speaker 1: be so it wasn't like or be prepared to like
Speaker 1: not have as much sex once you have children or anything.
Speaker 1: It was just like through the course of your marriage
Speaker 1: and then no. But then when they said once you
Speaker 1: have kids, forget about it, people did say, once you
Speaker 1: have kids, forget about it. But listen, I've heard I've
Speaker 1: heard things change over time and you find something like
Speaker 1: I don't. But I'm gonna be honest, I don't think.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's just the forties. I look at
Speaker 1: our life the past three years. We've gone through a
Speaker 1: lot of change because you were pregnant and then pregnant again,
Speaker 1: and then you will deal with postpartum. Then we were
Speaker 1: going through transitions with our careers, and then we were moving.
Speaker 1: So realistically, there hasn't been any consistency for us to
Speaker 1: even get in the routine. Like a lot of these
Speaker 1: things that we listen to things that would help have
Speaker 1: a routine. What is our routine if you don't have one,
Speaker 1: and my routine is arguing about this stuff all the time,
Speaker 1: any think routine about it at least twice a week.
Speaker 1: So it's funny to hear you say that because I
Speaker 1: feel like that in turn, because I'll be trying to
Speaker 1: figure out the problem a little bit. Man. I think
Speaker 1: that supports me a little bit because it's like you're saying, Katine,
Speaker 1: and I will admit that in the past three years,
Speaker 1: we really haven't had any routine with anything. So I
Speaker 1: feel like that's in turn, you're saying, Okay, Katine, I
Speaker 1: kind of sort of understand how you might feel. Maybe
Speaker 1: we can. I've always said I've always said I understand
Speaker 1: how you feel. That doesn't mean that I'm trying. I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to push for change, and I think that
Speaker 1: that's what the problem is. I like to talk things out.
Speaker 1: While I'm trying to figure things out. I'm not blaming you.
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to take the blame. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: figure out what the issue is. If we can figure
Speaker 1: out what the issue is, we can work together. The
Speaker 1: problem is once we talk out what the issues are.
Speaker 1: You tend to get defensive and you feel like I'm
Speaker 1: attacking you. But my thing is is like, if you
Speaker 1: can take compliments or you can take me praising you
Speaker 1: for things that I think that you do greatly, you
Speaker 1: should be able to take the criticism when I think
Speaker 1: that you can do. I don't get defensive. I don't think.
Speaker 1: I know you always say I get defensive, but sometimes
Speaker 1: the defense is not really me trying to just back
Speaker 1: my opinion or my views. It's just being frustrated or
Speaker 1: just being like feeling helpless in that moment, like understanding
Speaker 1: that damn you know what I mean. It's not me
Speaker 1: trying to just defend the way I feel all the time.
Speaker 1: You tell me that all the time. I hate when
Speaker 1: you say I get defensive because I can. I can
Speaker 1: feel free, and I should be able to explain the
Speaker 1: way I feel about something without you thinking I'm being defensive.
Speaker 1: Not being defensive. I'm just telling you how I feel
Speaker 1: about it. I hear that. But I mean there are
Speaker 1: people who say they and this is the truth, that
Speaker 1: they appreciate that I I love my wife, but they
Speaker 1: don't feel like I give a fair portrayal about people
Speaker 1: who who do want sex more, needs sex more from
Speaker 1: their partner. They're feeling and they're always talking about that, y'all.
Speaker 1: I do talk about it, but I praise you a
Speaker 1: lot more than not talking about our deficiencies and what
Speaker 1: we have and the people feel like, well, they figured
Speaker 1: it out and we haven't, but we have figured out something.
Speaker 1: Just for the record, Like for example, and you mentioned it,
Speaker 1: the closet thing that you that you started doing was
Speaker 1: freaking dope because through the closet thing, I felt it
Speaker 1: became spontaneous, you know, so I felt like it was
Speaker 1: like random. It almost felt like the hunt, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like like the kids will be going
Speaker 1: for a nap and you would give me a look
Speaker 1: and you would walk away somewhere, and then we would
Speaker 1: go have our time there and we would be trying
Speaker 1: not to get caught by your mom. And that that
Speaker 1: reminds me of what it's like when you're dating you
Speaker 1: only have a little bit of time between classes or
Speaker 1: your roommate comes back. Always the best part And just
Speaker 1: for a quick context, if people don't know about the closet,
Speaker 1: it's just the thing that Devil and I have now
Speaker 1: where I'll like either give him a look or I'll
Speaker 1: shoot him a text message if I'm in another room
Speaker 1: and he's downstairs or something, and I'll be like, meet
Speaker 1: me in the closet. And that brings me down to
Speaker 1: things like, you know, a quickie, Like we were looking
Speaker 1: at fatherly dot com, which is funny. I felt like
Speaker 1: it was necessary to look at fatherly because we're trying
Speaker 1: to look at it from the father perspective, Like things
Speaker 1: that men struggle with getting their wife back after having children,
Speaker 1: and like how how to be flexible with that. So
Speaker 1: for example, having a wife that her body has changed,
Speaker 1: she doesn't feel good, she's going through parts postpartum, she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be touched because you just had a
Speaker 1: whole baby in her, and then it's now breastfeeding. Like
Speaker 1: there's so many things to keep taking too kind of sinderation.
Speaker 1: So on the site it did talk about breaking it
Speaker 1: down to a quickie, so being flexible, um, moving the
Speaker 1: furniture if there's a moving the furniture or finding a
Speaker 1: closet or a room. The other night, did we in
Speaker 1: the den in front of the TV? Oh? We did?
Speaker 1: That was a good one. That little ottoman was popping
Speaker 1: it's a perfect height. But also then also to being
Speaker 1: prepared for walking, so like having to lock the door,
Speaker 1: which we don't have locks in our need to lock
Speaker 1: on our room door. Um, but having locks on the
Speaker 1: door is being prepared for the kids busting in is
Speaker 1: their quick way to feed, feed the maneuver so that
Speaker 1: they don't catch you in the act or something like that. Um.
Speaker 1: So that's just funny because you know, there's a different
Speaker 1: ways according to this this website family dot com that
Speaker 1: tells you how you can kind of deal with it.
Speaker 1: And then there's also you know, getting a babysitter or
Speaker 1: just if you have the means to do that, just
Speaker 1: allotting the time, and that's when it almost becomes like
Speaker 1: a scheduling thing. So sometimes scheduling doesn't seem as fun
Speaker 1: because I like, you have schedule. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: a scheduling. I think it's I think what you said
Speaker 1: is very very important, right because you have so much
Speaker 1: other things going on, and your body does work differently
Speaker 1: for you than it does for me. Sex isn't as
Speaker 1: a priority, so when you're putting around, because I've already
Speaker 1: admitted that we already don't have enough time for the
Speaker 1: things that we need in the day. The things that
Speaker 1: we want always fall to the bottom. So if it's
Speaker 1: not a priority because your body is just not there,
Speaker 1: it's always going to be at the bottom. But I
Speaker 1: think it's also being cognizant of the things that your
Speaker 1: partner may need, not only just the things that you need,
Speaker 1: and say, you know what, let me just find this
Speaker 1: quick little six or seven minutes, do you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, To make sure that they're taking care of
Speaker 1: you know. And and I think that we often as
Speaker 1: people lose sight of our partner while we're doing going
Speaker 1: through all the things that we have to do as
Speaker 1: a family, you know what I'm saying. So, like I
Speaker 1: said this the other day, I was so focused on
Speaker 1: building an empire doing this that I forgot the most
Speaker 1: important part of being a father was time and the
Speaker 1: time I spend with my son. It's the same thing
Speaker 1: with my wife. I spent so much time trying to
Speaker 1: provide and make sure you have everything that I forget
Speaker 1: the time that we spend as partners. And that's not
Speaker 1: just the time that we spend having sex, but it's
Speaker 1: also the time we spend. What I listened to you
Speaker 1: talk about the things that are important to you, us
Speaker 1: going out on a date away from the kids, and
Speaker 1: letting you be a woman and not worried about being
Speaker 1: a mom, because I know some people struggle with, especially
Speaker 1: maybe first time parents, getting out being with each other
Speaker 1: and then still talking about the kids, right, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, which is like, which is probably one
Speaker 1: of the sure fire ways. Like I used to do
Speaker 1: that in the very beginning, and then by the third child,
Speaker 1: you're just like, okay, Jackson, let me face t have
Speaker 1: me real quick, text me, text me if you're good.
Speaker 1: You're good, everybody's reading, nobody's bleeding. Great. But you know,
Speaker 1: that was something that we had to learn too. So
Speaker 1: you know, I think first time parents probably deal with that,
Speaker 1: especially moms who are very attached in the beginning, and
Speaker 1: being able to say, you know what, I'm going to
Speaker 1: take a night to just really focus on my husband
Speaker 1: or focus on my wife a significant other, how how
Speaker 1: it works out for you, and being sure to just
Speaker 1: let so you know. But it also leads me to
Speaker 1: is thinking about intimacy and like the definition of intimacy
Speaker 1: and how that can change throughout the course of your relationship.
Speaker 1: Intimacy Intimacy for us is not just sex. Intimacy can
Speaker 1: can be that because right exactly, so, it's also and
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to even be physical, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Like, sometimes the intimacy is just in being
Speaker 1: able to like sit with you, talk to you, look
Speaker 1: at you in your face, Like some of my favorite
Speaker 1: times with you is date night, being able to just
Speaker 1: look at you across the table, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Sometimes You're like, I'll sit next to you, and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: sit across from you, so I can actually just look
Speaker 1: at you. And that's sometimes great because it gives me
Speaker 1: a chance to really just like look you in the
Speaker 1: eye and just have conversation like we used to. We
Speaker 1: don't have a lot of that time because so much
Speaker 1: of our time is consumed with rushing here, rushing there,
Speaker 1: you know, tossing a kid in your way, three kiss
Speaker 1: the keys, like somebody always have somebody has something to do,
Speaker 1: Like we're gonna be leaving here to rush Jackson, you know,
Speaker 1: to to his martial arts class. Like it's just it's
Speaker 1: just always every day. It's literally every day. It's literally um.
Speaker 1: But I think as the kids are getting older, it's
Speaker 1: starting to get a little bit easier. Would you say?
Speaker 1: I think for me it is because I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm finally starting to kind of get my body back,
Speaker 1: and you know, I'm feeling good about myself. I've been
Speaker 1: working out lately, really trying to like take care of
Speaker 1: myself internally and externally. Um, do you think it's gotten better?
Speaker 1: It happens. It's gotten weight. First of all, our sex
Speaker 1: life is gotten way better than what has been the
Speaker 1: past couple of years, especially because I think you've gotten
Speaker 1: more confident with your body. I liked you and was
Speaker 1: attracted to you at the through the entire point. Like
Speaker 1: you always talk about how much you weighed. I think
Speaker 1: you got up to one seventy. I thought you were
Speaker 1: attractive in one seventy and you didn't understand it. And
Speaker 1: what I didn't understand was how can how could she
Speaker 1: not see how beautiful she is when I can see it?
Speaker 1: And I didn't understand that Like that, like when you
Speaker 1: say you don't understand how someone can need that, I
Speaker 1: didn't understand how someone could not feel attractive, Like I
Speaker 1: thought you were beautiful at hundred and seventy pounds and
Speaker 1: really didn't matter to me. I think you're attractive in
Speaker 1: a hundred and forty pounds really doesn't matter to me.
Speaker 1: I just think you look good. So for me it
Speaker 1: was learning the psyche of my partner while she's going
Speaker 1: through things. So I think over years you've gotten more
Speaker 1: confident with how you look, so things have gotten better.
Speaker 1: I feel like we're starting to get in a little
Speaker 1: bit of a routine with the kids because Jackson is
Speaker 1: in school, Cayro and cats go down for their naps
Speaker 1: at a particular time, and you're able to find your
Speaker 1: time in your space to kids naps. And lastly, I
Speaker 1: think that because we have some space in distance, because
Speaker 1: you travel, I travel. The film, when we do see
Speaker 1: each other, that electricity comes back because that hunt and
Speaker 1: chased almost right, because honestly them, I'm only going to
Speaker 1: see her before I have to fly back out. So
Speaker 1: we get it in in those times where I know
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be back for a while. Somebody,
Speaker 1: please cast about in a movie so he can he
Speaker 1: can go away for a little bit cash deviuce so
Speaker 1: I don't got to have sex, please please, because I'm
Speaker 1: tired and I don't need a little break. How about that?
Speaker 1: But I mean, the good thing is that the intimacy
Speaker 1: is there, the attraction is still there, the intimacy is
Speaker 1: still there on different levels. Um, and for sure, and
Speaker 1: I know, I feel like your role to me has
Speaker 1: changed a little bit after kids. For sure. Um, it's
Speaker 1: almost like you're like becoming Well You've always been a
Speaker 1: cheerleader for me, but I feel like you have to
Speaker 1: kind of be You're a cheerleader for me in the
Speaker 1: bedroom almost, if that makes sense. Yeah, you're always coaching
Speaker 1: me up and let me know, Like you know, I'm
Speaker 1: still attracted to you. I only want to be with
Speaker 1: you like because I amn't know. Because and the thing is,
Speaker 1: I am and I'm going to be unapologetic about this.
Speaker 1: I Am not going to apologize for how much I
Speaker 1: love my wife and how much I physically want my wife.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to apologize for that because we're here
Speaker 1: so often when when women say, and I get these things, Hey,
Speaker 1: I had a baby, had two babies, and I'm not
Speaker 1: the same with my husband doesn't look at me to say,
Speaker 1: he doesn't touch me on affectionate and I can understand
Speaker 1: how that could hurt someone. So for me, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be unapologetic. I want you all the time like I do. Like,
Speaker 1: that's just I do. I think that you're beautiful. So
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be apologetic and say, hey, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna curb my appetite for my wife. No, this is
Speaker 1: why I picked her to spend the rest of my
Speaker 1: life with. And I'm unapologetic. I want you, baby, You're
Speaker 1: gonna have to deal with it. Just want to cuddle sometimes,
Speaker 1: so could we just cuddle? I do be cuddling, but
Speaker 1: when I poke you, that's not my problem. There's certain
Speaker 1: things you can't control. The certain things I can't control.
Speaker 1: Want to cuddle under my fluffy red blanket. I got
Speaker 1: this amazing blanket. I was just telling Triple about it.
Speaker 1: There was a Christian but yeah, I got a really
Speaker 1: great um blanket that I just like to cuddle. And
Speaker 1: then cuddle has always turned into something else. But you
Speaker 1: know what, we'll take the good with the bad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you gotta take the good with the bad. It's a
Speaker 1: bad actually calls it bad. Guys. Listen, I'm standing up
Speaker 1: for us today, fellas. I'm gonna get some heat for it.
Speaker 1: I don't give a ship. We got to talk about
Speaker 1: what we need in these relationships. Yo. They always say
Speaker 1: always no. They always say to men like, you know,
Speaker 1: you guys need to be more vulnerable, speak to your women.
Speaker 1: And then when we speak and like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about this no more. You wanted me to
Speaker 1: be vulnerable and speak. I'm speaking on the things that
Speaker 1: matter because it matters to you. You know, you know
Speaker 1: what we should do this season. We should get you
Speaker 1: with some men on here, Like how about I turn
Speaker 1: over my mic and my headphones to a couple of
Speaker 1: guys to come in. I'm with you. I could talk
Speaker 1: about some stuff. I'm so with it. And then I
Speaker 1: think that would be awesome for like the ladies to
Speaker 1: tune in so they can hear. They can hear our perspective,
Speaker 1: to hear I got some women to be transparent, right.
Speaker 1: But but then I will say this, don't listen with
Speaker 1: the intent to hear us say all the things you
Speaker 1: want to hear. Listen. You'll have to tell that as
Speaker 1: a disclaimer in the very yes, you have to listen
Speaker 1: to that you can hear how we honestly feel, because
Speaker 1: what happens is is when people tend to speak about
Speaker 1: how they honestly feel, it may not be what you
Speaker 1: want to hear. So you get upset about it, It's
Speaker 1: not my problem. If you honestly want to learn and
Speaker 1: you want to get an insight to the perspective of
Speaker 1: your significant other than what they may be going through,
Speaker 1: you gotta be willing to listen. And that's that's the
Speaker 1: bottom line, because you're gonna do your woman's episode and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna listen. One of the greatest things that I've
Speaker 1: done since we started this podcast was listening to sham Booty.
Speaker 1: I listened to her a lot because I want to
Speaker 1: understand that dynamic and I feel like I've become a
Speaker 1: better husband because now I want to understand that things
Speaker 1: that can help you in that process. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I look at you always learning. I love
Speaker 1: I'm trying alone, I honestly am I'm trying to do.
Speaker 1: I'll be sure to listen to so I can hear
Speaker 1: from other men, because of course I'm only hearing your
Speaker 1: perspective all the time for the most part. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean. But that may be helpful as a
Speaker 1: woman to listen to it and just try to I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean, I agree with everything, or I may not
Speaker 1: take everything from it, but it helps, you know, that's
Speaker 1: the whole point of this guy's exactly right. And you
Speaker 1: know there's a point to adds, right, we gotta take
Speaker 1: a break for that. There's a whole point to that.
Speaker 1: He's got to get paid for sure. Well, we're gonna
Speaker 1: take a quick break and move into listening letters after
Speaker 1: we get into some ads. So stick around, folks. This
Speaker 1: for the record. There it is a win for the ages.
Speaker 1: Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.
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Speaker 1: And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or your favorite podcast app. All right, So we went
Speaker 1: into the email box to see what you guys were
Speaker 1: submitting to dead as Advice at Gmail dot com you
Speaker 1: want to go ahead and read the first list to
Speaker 1: letter baby. All right, let's check this. So all right,
Speaker 1: So here's my situation. I've been with my now fiance
Speaker 1: for a total of seven years. Within those seven years,
Speaker 1: we've welcomed to kids. I am lonely and I don't
Speaker 1: feel like I have a partner. I feel like I
Speaker 1: have a roommate. He comes home, we talk about bills,
Speaker 1: the kids, and the news. I've spoken to my partner
Speaker 1: and explained my love language to him, which is physical
Speaker 1: touch and words of affirmation. I explained to him that
Speaker 1: I am lonely and I need those things because that's
Speaker 1: how I connect with my partner. He blows me off
Speaker 1: and says that I'm too needy. I speak his love language,
Speaker 1: acts of service and receiving gifts. I make sure the
Speaker 1: house is clean, and I don't bother him. He says
Speaker 1: that I let myself go after having kids, and he's
Speaker 1: a visual person, but even when I'm dolled up to
Speaker 1: the nines, he doesn't react. I have a vision of us.
Speaker 1: I want us to be a team and I want
Speaker 1: to feel the fields. But I just feel like we
Speaker 1: are separate and there are no fields to make things worse.
Speaker 1: To make things worse, my previous partner gave me an
Speaker 1: s T I one I can't get rid of. So
Speaker 1: I can't get rid of. So when I told my
Speaker 1: partner this year is ago away before the kids, and
Speaker 1: there was clearly a misunderstanding, I recently had a flare
Speaker 1: up seven years later and reminded him. He realized he misunderstood,
Speaker 1: and now I am like a walking disease and he
Speaker 1: doesn't want that. He doesn't want He's been tested and
Speaker 1: doesn't have it. What should I do? I've never felt
Speaker 1: so lonely in my life. Should I call off this engagement?
Speaker 1: This is really deep. Um. Based on what she says,
Speaker 1: it sounds like he may he may have an issue
Speaker 1: if he says it was a misunderstanding with the s
Speaker 1: T I, Um, I think it may be a misunderstanding
Speaker 1: that he was not aware of. That might be the
Speaker 1: root of this entire thing. It seems that may be
Speaker 1: the of it, and maybe he feels a little deceived
Speaker 1: or I don't know. When he says it's a misunderstanding,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how it was a misunderstanding. But um,
Speaker 1: in that being said, maybe that's the reason why at
Speaker 1: this point, he's maybe a little distant, you know. Well,
Speaker 1: I wonder if he felt to see before because they
Speaker 1: have two kids. I don't know whether he she explained
Speaker 1: that before the kids are after, but if they had
Speaker 1: two kids after, that means he was still, you know,
Speaker 1: and they've been together for seven years and then she
Speaker 1: said she had a flair up seven years later, So
Speaker 1: I'm not sure of the time frame there, but it
Speaker 1: seems like he kind of disconnected a little bit or
Speaker 1: clocked out. And it could have also been to um,
Speaker 1: you know, once you have children and you're you're working,
Speaker 1: and that there's the bills, and there's like there's certain routine, monotonous,
Speaker 1: like mundane things that always have to be discussed, you know,
Speaker 1: like for even for us, like dev just like all right,
Speaker 1: it's close to the first of the month of the
Speaker 1: fifteenth that we have discussions about like the bills, Like
Speaker 1: nobody wants to sit and discuss bills because you know,
Speaker 1: that's that's just kind of daunting after a while. And
Speaker 1: then you know, the kids are the kids, of course
Speaker 1: it's unavoidable. And then the news. But his failure to
Speaker 1: acknowledge your love language, I think it's probably also another
Speaker 1: big issue too. Um so everything else aside him not
Speaker 1: putting forth the effort to just try to at least
Speaker 1: give you a little bit of what you require. I
Speaker 1: think it's an issue, especially if you guys are looking
Speaker 1: to do this for like the long haul and be married.
Speaker 1: I agree if I, in listening to Cadein explain that
Speaker 1: my biggest issue was that him disregarding your feelings when
Speaker 1: you've been transparent with him. If you've been transparent, he says, hey, babe,
Speaker 1: I'm going to work towards it. Let's do this together.
Speaker 1: That's one thing. When he says that you're just needy
Speaker 1: and disregards you, that means that he's not willing to
Speaker 1: put in the work. And that's an issue now. Is
Speaker 1: going to become more of an issue later on for sure.
Speaker 1: So I don't know. I think that you may have
Speaker 1: to make some decisions about where you want to move forward,
Speaker 1: because ultimately, you don't owe anybody anything. It doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if you have children with them or not. You have
Speaker 1: one inaliable right on this world, and that's to survive
Speaker 1: by any means necess terry. And the second right is
Speaker 1: to be as happy as you can while trying to survive.
Speaker 1: So if this person is not going to try to
Speaker 1: help you be happy in your survival on this planet,
Speaker 1: I say, you just cut your cut your losses, right man,
Speaker 1: Maybe figure out a way to co parent and you know, yes,
Speaker 1: so that at least the kids can grow up in
Speaker 1: a healthy, somewhat co parenting environment. So good luck to you,
Speaker 1: sith yes, ma'am, all right, HiPE canein and devol onto.
Speaker 1: The second question. I've been in a healthy, strong relationship
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend for a year now. He's twenty six
Speaker 1: and I'm twenty three. The only thing between us that
Speaker 1: hasn't been good is sex. Sometimes it feels amazing and
Speaker 1: sometimes it just doesn't. At the end of it, most
Speaker 1: of the time, I feel unsatisfied. My boyfriend straight up
Speaker 1: asked me if I felt like the sex between us
Speaker 1: is whack, and I answered yes. For clarity, he's the
Speaker 1: second person that I've ever had sex with, and before him,
Speaker 1: I can say that I wasn't very sexually active. I
Speaker 1: acknowledge that I haven't been sexually free with myself, meaning
Speaker 1: I don't really know much about my own body. There
Speaker 1: we go. This issue has made us question whether we're
Speaker 1: a fit to be together, but we don't believe in
Speaker 1: breaking up without trying first. We love each other and
Speaker 1: made a vow to commit through it all. The greatest
Speaker 1: thing about this is that he acknowledges our struggle and
Speaker 1: as a man, is willing to do anything to fix it.
Speaker 1: I would appreciate any advice on this. Love you guys,
Speaker 1: I think that they're on the right path. Like, listening
Speaker 1: to that was so dope, because he's acknowledging that he's
Speaker 1: acknowledging that he feels that there's a disconnect. And he
Speaker 1: asked her what she felt, and she was honest and
Speaker 1: said yeah. But then she acknowledged the fact that there
Speaker 1: are certain things that she doesn't know about herself. The
Speaker 1: fact that they're willing to do that and be committed
Speaker 1: to each other, I think is a recipe for success.
Speaker 1: For sure. That's pretty mature of them. For her and
Speaker 1: for sure, I mean, like you said to piggyback off
Speaker 1: that I think what stood out for me that was
Speaker 1: highlighted in this whole thing is that I don't really
Speaker 1: know much about my own body as a woman. I
Speaker 1: can say, there's so much to learn about your body,
Speaker 1: so much to learn about what triggers you, what turns
Speaker 1: you on, what turns you off, Like, there's so much
Speaker 1: that you should learn about yourself externally and internally, and
Speaker 1: then you can kind of guide him and let him
Speaker 1: know what you like and what you don't like. So
Speaker 1: this might be an actual fun exploration process for you,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, to see what you like
Speaker 1: and try different things, and and you know, see if
Speaker 1: it means that there's just more touching and feeling going on.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think Shan's book would be great for
Speaker 1: them to even take a look at, or even like
Speaker 1: her Instagram page, that would be great for her to
Speaker 1: look at, because that also too, we'll give you a
Speaker 1: little bit more insight as to things that women typically want,
Speaker 1: or realizing how you may be different than another person.
Speaker 1: Some of it is down to anatomy, like just looking
Speaker 1: at your anatomy, looking at your vagina and saying you
Speaker 1: know what and understanding why it works the way it works.
Speaker 1: And you can potentially unlock some amazing things once you
Speaker 1: know what you like and and listen to professionals. Don't
Speaker 1: just run with misconceptions of what you think could be wrong.
Speaker 1: I've done that, and I know Codeine has done that,
Speaker 1: and I've learned things recently, like in the last couple
Speaker 1: of months by by reading Shan's booking and listening to
Speaker 1: some of her things she has on YouTube. About Codeine's body,
Speaker 1: I was like, yo, I thought this whole time, I
Speaker 1: thought it was me or this whole time, I thought
Speaker 1: Codein was just this way, And then I found out
Speaker 1: and then I tried it, and then we had discussions
Speaker 1: about it, Like he and I were very open about it,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't funny about it, like, oh, don't go
Speaker 1: sit and watch the women talk about other women's bodies
Speaker 1: and whatnot, Like No, I think that that was actually
Speaker 1: very gratifying for me to know that he took the
Speaker 1: interests to know, Okay, we can set this up a
Speaker 1: nach or we can do things differently. How can we
Speaker 1: do that? Um, so go out. And it's also too
Speaker 1: maybe learning what to not not taking as advice. For example,
Speaker 1: I've spoken to a friend of mine a little while
Speaker 1: back about, you know, her husband watching porn and just
Speaker 1: trying to just like reinvent that or the same thing
Speaker 1: that he's seen a point and she's just like, what
Speaker 1: is this And he's just like, now I was watching
Speaker 1: this video and the girl she looked like she like
Speaker 1: that and then be out And I'm like, that is
Speaker 1: acting like you know what I mean. You have to
Speaker 1: kind of take some from it and then you know,
Speaker 1: applying where you think is necessary, but also to I
Speaker 1: think the la the lines of communication that the two
Speaker 1: off you have right now at three and six, Um,
Speaker 1: it's pretty healthy, So keep it up and try some
Speaker 1: new things. And I think it's important for you guys
Speaker 1: to know that this conversation that you guys are going
Speaker 1: to continue to have about each other's bodies and learning
Speaker 1: each other is not gonna end. And this is part
Speaker 1: of the reason why it's important for us to continue
Speaker 1: to have this conversation, so that people don't feel like, well,
Speaker 1: I've done it and it didn't work and it's it's over.
Speaker 1: Because that's this is that has never been an ending
Speaker 1: point for Codeine and I. You know, it's always been.
Speaker 1: We have so many other aspects of our relationship that
Speaker 1: we adore and long and want to build on that
Speaker 1: We're not going to let sex be the sole thing
Speaker 1: that completely ends us. We're just gonna keep working at it.
Speaker 1: And um, this example, this question is an example because
Speaker 1: I always get questions like, hey, it about I try
Speaker 1: what you said and it should didn't work, so and
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, the shoul didn't work for me neither,
Speaker 1: because me and Cadine are still trying to find a way.
Speaker 1: So the fact that they're talking about it, just just
Speaker 1: keep working at it. And that's the best part because
Speaker 1: you did not argue about it and we debate, but
Speaker 1: we have great sex, and I think in parts of
Speaker 1: it we have great sex because we're constantly trying to
Speaker 1: figure each other out, like the puzzle and the frustration.
Speaker 1: Don't have bad sex. We have amazing but it's just
Speaker 1: sometimes the route to get there is a little tricky. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know, it's a little tricky. So keep at it, folks,
Speaker 1: And if you want to be featured as one of
Speaker 1: our listener letters, don't be shy, go ahead and email
Speaker 1: us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. Right
Speaker 1: moment of truth time, My moment for truth on on
Speaker 1: this episode is very simple. Learning your partner never stops.
Speaker 1: People look at us and based on what they see,
Speaker 1: feel like we figured it out. And I'm here to
Speaker 1: let people know that we're still trying to figure it
Speaker 1: out and we're still in love through the process of
Speaker 1: figuring it out. Like I adore this woman. I appreciate her.
Speaker 1: I know she loves and adores me. But we're still
Speaker 1: individuals trying to balance our personal needs and personal warrants
Speaker 1: with our collective needs and warrants. And the best part
Speaker 1: of this aspect of life is in order to be
Speaker 1: great at anything, it takes an immense amount of sacrifice.
Speaker 1: So if you're trying to be normal or natural, let's
Speaker 1: say this isn't normal and natural, then you're right, it's
Speaker 1: not normally natural. But nobody has done anything great by
Speaker 1: being normally natural. That was like a two folded moment
Speaker 1: of truth. I like that, it's moment of truth y
Speaker 1: And I love you your tights on I wore these
Speaker 1: on purpose. These are my good tights. You know, this
Speaker 1: levels of the tight game, but the leggings game, there's
Speaker 1: levels to it. So this was a good one today. Um,
Speaker 1: but I think my moment of truth is something that
Speaker 1: I actually just clicked to me actually through our conversation today,
Speaker 1: and that was when I talked about my list of things,
Speaker 1: like we're sex fell on the total pole and I
Speaker 1: joked about there being a subcategory when it came to sex,
Speaker 1: and like different like bullet points underneath that I never
Speaker 1: thought about adding to the bullet points sex as it
Speaker 1: pertains a devot or sex how devot. Maybe I always
Speaker 1: was just like, well, sex is not important to me
Speaker 1: like that, so it's just not up there. But I
Speaker 1: think I need to do more of the considering, like, Okay,
Speaker 1: it's not important to me right now in this moment,
Speaker 1: but how my devo feel about it in this moment.
Speaker 1: Appreciate that, you know, because I'll be I'll be honest
Speaker 1: and knowledgement that as frustrating as I get sometimes with
Speaker 1: this whole back and forth that we go through, like
Speaker 1: I can say that I probably don't pay enough attention
Speaker 1: to how you might potentially be feeling in that moment.
Speaker 1: So that's my moment. Sure, I want to walk away
Speaker 1: with that and just let people know or let the
Speaker 1: listeners know, like it may be worth it for you
Speaker 1: to really investigate how and why sex or intimacy or
Speaker 1: lack thereof, how it falls on your partner's list of
Speaker 1: things for wants and needs and trying to maybe see
Speaker 1: if we can shift it up back and forth a
Speaker 1: little bit, you know, that's what's up. I think that
Speaker 1: would be pretty dope. What do you think I do?
Speaker 1: I think it's dope sounds. Be sure to follow us
Speaker 1: on social media. That's I am Devout, And if you're
Speaker 1: listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1: Thank you, folks. Dead as Dead Ass is a production
Speaker 1: of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Solgico and No Opinion.
Speaker 1: Our executive producer t Square. Our associate producers are Triple
Speaker 1: and Kristin Torres. Our chief content Officer is Chris Bannett,
Speaker 1: our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan burns
Speaker 1: Head Last but not Least. We are mixed by Andy
Speaker 1: Kristen's We'll Fact. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth.
Speaker 1: We have a podcast going on right now. It's part
Speaker 1: of the Stitching network called Substraction that's available everywhere. Getting
Speaker 1: podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to
Speaker 1: the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,